The Dawn Has Arrived
by FicfansEverywhere
Summary: For Helios, being the sun is a pretty awesome job. But when the moon decides to banish him to Runeterra (and for no reason at all), his life begins to suck. Especially when he's forced into a human body. Rated T for language, violence and suggestive themes. (Temporary hiatus, because my brain needs to recharge.)
1. My Body Gets an Eviction Notice

_**(So, originally my plan was to do a Nami x OC fic, but I realized I had no actual idea for a plotline. I mean, I had an inkling, but it didn't really have anywhere to go after the beginning. But then I had a sudden burst of inspiration, and came up with this instead. This is gonna be more fun of a story than the other two, and it's got a pretty interesting perspective. But you already knew that, didn't you? This might take a few ideas from Rick Riordan's Trials of Apollo, but probably not that much. This'll be from my OC's POV, and hopefully I can make this super entertaining. NOW LET'S GET THIS ON!)**_

* * *

Hi. My name is Helios, and I'm the sun.

Yeah, that big ball of fire you see everyday. The one that makes crops grow and keeps you warm? That's me. The ball of fire that you curse on a hot day in the deserts of Shurima? Also me. Sorry about that, by the way. And yeah, I'm the entity that my peeps the Solari worship.

Well, technically I'm not the sun right now, more or less its Avatar. I'm currently writing a personal account of my recent experiences in Runeterra, at the Institute of War's library. To be honest, it took some convincing from my friends to do this. I don't have much experience with writing. Actually, none at all. But then again, Kolminye promised me this would be the only thing I'd have to write for the archives. Apparently once I'm done writing they'll use my memories to turn this into a video. I dunno why the High Councilor even wants this thing made. I guess it's because I'm one of the few "gods" to enter the League of Legends. She probably wants people to remember this "historic moment."

Anyways, you're probably wondering something: "Wait. If you're the _actual_ sun, blinding glare and all, writing in a _library_ , then how come I can see a giant ball of fire outside my window? It's some _other_ star, is it?" Well, it's like I said, I'm not _purely_ the sun anymore; more or less its Avatar. If you have no idea what that means, I'll get to it. This might be some sorta documentary, but this is gonna be one that you could treat as a story. It's gonna have action, adventure, hopefully comedy depending on your tastes, and yeah, even a bit of romance. Okay, maybe more than a bit, but still!

(Nasus is looking over my shoulder right now. He seems to be taking interest, so I might be on the right track. Although, I can't decide if him laughing is a good or bad thing. It _is_ against library rules to make loud noises, though. Hypocrisy much, Nasus?

He's not laughing anymore. Helios 1, Nasus 0.)

Want to see me take on the world's biggest freeloader? How about me nearly burning down the Summoner's Rift? Or having an awkward moment with one of my descendants? If that's not enough, wanna see what happens when I eat spicy food? You can probably guess, but I bet you'll want to see it happen anyway.

Now, where should we start? Hmmm...

I've got it!

How about we start at the beginning?

* * *

 _In the beginning, there was nothing._

 _The world was null and void, and Valoran had yet to be for-_

Whoah, whoah, wait! Not _that_ beginning! _My_ beginning!

Sorry, my hyper-eidetic memory kinda went into overdrive. I'm not actually "writing" this, per sé. I've got this weird rune hooked up to my brain that's relaying my memories. I guess I'm writing the subtitles for the video?

Wait, is this thing gonna be a _film?_ I swear to all the gods, if I find out that this gets released in theaters, I'm gonna-

Sorry, getting off track. Where were we? Oh, right. The beginning.

I was created pretty much the same way most stars in the universe were: by a giant space-dragon that shot lasers and starfire. Standard stuff, really. But I was different than most. I was a special little snowflake. Or...fireflake, I guess? Whatever.

Anyways, a little more TLC went into me. I was hotter (in both terms of the word, if I do say so myself), more powerful. Was I _the_ strongest? No, but none of the stronger stars really _were._ We were kinda sorted based on power levels. We had the dwarfs, which were basically the weenies, babies and old geezers. Contrary to popular belief, they aren't actually white-hot. Actually, a lot of things I'm going to tell you contradict what Piltovan scientists think (Heimerdinger's gonna go nuts afterwards. Wait, isn't he some sorta engineer? Whoops).

Then we had the average Joes, the yellow stars that were the most common type. They were pretty average for a sun. Didn't have much going for them. I mean, sure, once in a while they got lucky and made a measly solar system (like that one with only one planet capable of sustaining life. Earth, I think it was? Ugh, how unoriginal), but otherwise they never really accomplished anything.

After that came the orange stars. The ones that were powerful enough to make good systems, but not too much to burn them to a crisp accidentally. They had it pretty easy when it came to life. They could be pretty fun astral bodies from time to time, and flare parties were common in clusters of them.

Next, there were the big red stars. The super-jocks that ate steroids for breakfast, lunch AND dinner. The idiots were too hot (literally, not figuratively) to do anything right. They couldn't even get a desert planet going! I mean, they _tried,_ but all of their prototypes just boiled and cracked open like an egg. All brawn, no brains. Made for terrible conversationalists. I should know. I've tried.

But then, there's the _cool_ stars. The bright, blazing golden ones that can make the equivalent of an entire _galaxy._ And then blow them up, if we got angry enough. I knew a star who did that once. Poor guy had to start over from scratch. I happen to be lucky enough to be among those VIPs. Or is it VIS's? You know what, we're just gonna roll with it.

When we stars mature, we expand our gravitational fields to start making our own solar systems. At first, we mainly just abuse our power. Making two huge chunks of rock, smashing them together, possibly ruining lesser stars' systems, that sorta thing. Once we got serious, we actually started making planets that life could inhabit. Your first successful planet was always a big moment. It's basically the equivalent to becoming a parent for the first time. Solar flares in celebration, astral disco party, you name it and we did it. And for those of you with dirty minds, _no,_ we didn't do _that._ What would we do it with, anyways? We're giant balls of fire. We don't have limbs. Or extremities. Well, I do now, but you get the point.

Almost everybody else decided to make lots of planets that were good in general, and have a huge "family." No wonder our creator had so much trouble polishing us up. It actually turns out he became lazy as hell, but more on that in later chapters.

I, on the other hand, decided to experiment a bit. I wanted to see what would happen if I just focused all of my attention on _one_ planet, and made it the best I could. So I did. It took me billions of years, and twice as long as most planets, but I succeeded. I made one of the goddamn best planets the universe has ever known: the one you're standing on. You're welcome, by the way. Standing ovation? No? Fine.

Runeterra was...is the perfect planet. At least in my opinion. It had a little bit of everything, from the frozen peaks of the Freljord, the deserts of Shurima, and everything in between. Not to mention it had _magic!_ Well, the lifeforms I made could probably get along a little better, but in terms of geography, I aced it! That was pretty lucky, especially considering the setbacks I had. Again, I'll explain later.

I had a good time. My experiment had worked better than I ever imagined, and I got to just lay back and watch my planet progress. My lifeforms could be pretty fun to watch sometimes. It's kind of like ultra-HD television. Anything my light touches, I can see. I'm pretty much blind otherwise.

What, you thought as an almost-god would be like "Oh loyal servant, bring thine sacrifice hither?" Ew, no. For one, I could barely understand that sentence myself, and two, there's not a lot to do when you're a star. Yeah, the flare parties could be pretty wild, but other than that we just kind of sit around (or float). I picked up plenty of casual language from my viewings. I've been watching Runeterra from the very beginning. I know all, I see all, and I even know what Pantheon looks like under the helmet (no, I'm not telling.). Well, I used to. And even when I did there were a few things I couldn't see. But now I get to see them personally. And that was only the casual language, by the way. You think _you_ invented speech? Nope.

But enough about origins, awesome as they may be. Now, let's actually get into where our story _really_ begins.

* * *

It was a typical day for me.

I was chilling out in space, free of all anxiety, and no worries about my well-being in sight. I was watching Runeterra TV, and as usual it was pretty interesting. I was cramming in as much time as I could before the League of Legends started. Why would I be doing that? I'll tell you.

I actually had no idea what went on in there. The one setback to making a world with magic is when the denizens start coming up with ways to use it to annoy you. For example, the Institute of War had magical wards around it that prevented me from peeking although not me specifically. I considered that kind of rude. What, the assholes were too introverted to let me get my daily news update? I mean, I knew it was for security reasons, but I was still pissed off about it.

So there I was, flipping through the "channels," meaning I just looked at different sections of my planet.

 _Demacia and Noxus screaming bloody murder at each other? Check. Oooooh, Garen and Katarina are fighting again! Let's see, are they flirting? Yep. Just like always. Honestly Garen, take her on a goddamn date already!_

 _Freljord doing manly Freljord things? Check. Tryndamere and Gragas are having a drinking contest. Naturally, Gragas is winning. At this point I'm just gonna assume Gragas has alcohol for blood. Aaaaaand Tryndy just passed out. Lovely. No, wait, he's getting up. Wait, is Ashe gonna substitute for him while he recovers? Atta girl! And to think she was almost a literal block of ice at their wedding. I'll bet she's not regretting it now._

 _Shurima still recovering from Xerath's brief Ascendance 'roid rage? Check. Get a move on Azir! I can wait a few thousand years, but everybody else can't!_

 _Shadow Isles creepy and emo with a dark and brooding overlord? Check. Ewww, Elise is leading one of her "pilgrimages" again! Lady, you need to see somebody about your eating habits!_

 _Ionia still full of cool-ass ninjas? Check. Zed and Syndra still plotting revenge even though it's kind of pointless? Yep. Oh well, at least Shen's cool._

 _Bilgewater still full of mighty fine ladies? CHECK! Heh, and to think the other stars never had ones this good. Of course, it's only by human standards, but still: SUCK-EEEERRRRSSS!_

 _Piltover dealing with a bat-shit crazy terrorist? Check. Bloody hell, Caitlyn, can't you come up with a decent way of keeping her locked up? ...Also, thank gods you can't hear me, because it'd be really embarrassing if you found out I made fun of your accent._

 _Zaun filled with noxious chemicals and gases tearing up my atmosphere? Check. I'd vaporize Singed for being a complete maniac, but I might overdo it and blow up the planet._

 _Kumungu's still filled with devil plants and the Guardian's Sea is still downright fabulous, so nothing's new, really._

 ** _Talking to yourself again, Helios?_**

 _Oh, **gods** , don't tell me you're up already! _

Who was that, you ask? Only the most annoying entity in the history of the universe.

Selene, the moon.

I swear to the gods, I have _the_ _worst_ luck when it comes to getting a moon. Moons are unpleasant in general. We stars can't stand them. Here's why: Some of you reading (or watching) might have different ideas of what a moon is. Some of you might think "Serene." Or "Beautiful." Maybe even "Elegant." The truth is, all moons are one thing:

Complete and utter freeloaders.

All they ever do is mooch off our power without even asking. All those legends about the moon having magical power? Completely true, but at the same time completely _not_ true! You know how the moon only reflects sunlight? That means that is _our_ power they're using! All they're doing is just twisting it into something that isn't nearly as cool as its original form.

Selene isn't even a real moon. Normally they just form from leftover sediment after a planet's done being created, then spend the rest of their lives being complete assholes. Selene, on the other hand, pissed me off even _before_ she was a moon. You want to know what she did? Fine.

It wasn't my intention to make Runeterra mostly covered with water. It actually used to be bigger. I had this _huge_ continent planned for the complete opposite side of the planet, a few thousand miles away from Valoran and the Shadow Isles. It was gonna be _awesome,_ with all sorts of cool stuff! I was the happiest I'd ever been on the day the planet was finally finished, continent and all. I gave myself an imaginary pat on the back, thought "Well done!" to myself and prepared to enjoy my creation.

Then along came this big ugly asteroid that decided smashing into my planet was the best idea in the universe. Directly into my new continent, to be specific. Oh, and not only did it wreck my masterpiece (which meant I had to start over from about halfway), it decided to take the leftover pieces and add them to itself! End result: Selene. Smug Bitch Numero Uno.

I'll admit, I was angry. I might've vaporized Runeterra if I hadn't redirected my blast of solar energy at the last second. Every astral body in the universe probably heard me. Then again, my loud cry of " _ **FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-**_ " as I unleashed hell probably wasn't very inconspicuous, either.

Anyways, back to where we were at the time.

 _What the hell are **you** doing here, thieving freeloader? _I said, as she floated up under me. _I'm busy!_

 _ **Doing what?**_ She replied, snarky. _**You hardly ever do anything. All you ever do is sit around and watch the rodents scurry from dull point A to dull point B.**_

 _So do you!_ I shot back. _And they're not rodents! I put a lot of work into them!_

 ** _They're not even impressive. They only eat, sleep, fight and die._**

 _They do a lot more than that. You're just jealous._

 ** _Why would I be jealous of pathetic rodents that can't even compare to our power?  
_**

 _You mean MY power! You just mooch off of me and reflect my light!_

 ** _Still mad at me for that little incident, Helios?_**

 _Damn right I am, bitch! I **literally** spent billions of years on that continent! Then you come along and decide it'd look better crushed!_

 ** _It's not my fault your ever-so-precious continent looks better on me. I look simply dazzling, don't you think?_**

 _Hell no! I had to work for 12 billion more years to fix Runeterra!_

 ** _Maybe if you didn't mess up my projects I wouldn't mess up yours._**

 _ **Your** project was a ripoff of mine! And you screwed me over **first!**_

 ** _Still doesn't change the fact that you ruined my hard work. Perhaps a punishment is in order..._**

I snorted. _Please, I was here billions of years before you were even a pebble! If anything, I should be punishing you! I-_ I stopped as I noticed where Selene was going. She was moving directly under me, right over Valoran.

No.

She wouldn't _dare._

Not my shows.

But apparently from Selene's mood, oh yes my shows.

 _Selene, don't you dare do it!_ I warned. _It's my screen time!_

 ** _Too late._** And with that, she eclipsed me. Again.

 _YOU BITCH!_ I actually released a flare. _I WAS WATCHING THAT!_

 ** _Tough._** Selene replied. **_It's my turn now. Maybe if you apologize, I'll consider cutting my viewing time off a few seconds._**

 _I'LL VAPORIZE YOU!_

 ** _Tut tut, you can't, remember? Runeterra needs me. You'll mess it up if you destroy me._**

 _I hate you._

 ** _The feeling's mutual._**

I sighed in irritation. Once Selene went Full Bitch Mode (which was nearly all the time) nothing could stop her from getting what she wanted. I should've gone insane by this point. I'd been dealing with her for a few billion years, after all. But nope, I'm still thinking perfectly clearly. At least if I was insane, it would've been easier.

 _Why do I even bother putting up with you?_ I grumbled. _All you ever do is annoy me and wreck my stuff._

 ** _The same could be said for you. You're much too hot-headed and idiotic for my tastes. If you had at least half my brain cells I could find you at least semi-tolerable._**

 _We don't **have** brain cells, freeloader! _I snapped. _And at least I didn't look like a potato when I was created!_

 ** _You had better take back that insult._**

 _Never!_

 ** _You inconsiderate wretch! Have you no appreciation of my splendor?!_**

 _I have appreciation of **my** splendor! You just mooch it off me!_

 ** _At least I don't blind whoever looks at me!_**

 _Shut up! You ripped off my entourage!_

 ** _I made a better version!_**

 _You only say that because they worshipped you instead of me!_

 ** _Exactly. Better._**

 _Was not!_

 ** _Was!_**

 _Was not!_

 ** _Was!_**

 _Was NOT!_

 ** _Was!_**

 _WAS NOT!_

 ** _WAS!_**

 _WAS GODDAMN NOT!_

 ** _ENOUGH!_** Selene snapped. I stopped, stunned.

 _ **What** did you just say to me? _I felt my flames steadily growing hotter. I was losing my patience. Hopefully Selene would stop, or I'd end up disintegrating a nation or two. She liked Runeterra almost as much as I did, although it was mainly because she enjoyed the fact that it was so dependent on her. Bitch. I've probably used that word at least twelve different times, but that really was the best word to describe Selene.

 _ **I have had ENOUGH of your insufferable attitude! You are pompous, arrogant, hot-headed and rude! I have suffered in silence for billions of years while you whine about every little act I perform! I am THROUGH with this. No more.**_

I sat there, stunned. _Suff - Suffer - Suffered in - SUFFERED IN SILENCE!? I HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR OVER-THE-TOP BITCHINESS FOR BILLIONS OF YEARS AND THE ONLY THING I GET OUT OF IT IS A HEADACHE! IF ANYTHING, I SHOULD BE THROUGH WITH YOU!_

I was the angriest I'd been in a long time. Selene was calling _me_ arrogant? She was _literally_ describing herself in full detail! What was even more ridiculous was that she was younger than me by approximately 10 billion years. If anything I should be the one speaking eloquently.

 _ **Not to worry, Helios. I already have a plan which will enable us to spend a little more distance away from each other.**_

 _Good! I-_

Wait, what?

I probably should've noticed the pure white light beaming up from Runeterra into Selene. But hey, I was angry. The only thing Selene ever got right about me was that I was hot-headed. But back to the light.

It was making Selene glow brighter, like she did at night. I didn't get to see where it was coming from, though. Shame, because I totally would've broken my no-vaporizing rule.

A bigger beam of light shot out of Selene, and all the way to me. I just kind of sat there. Should I have done something? Probably, yeah. But I never really took Selene seriously, even when she was incredibly annoying.

As the light struck me, I began to feel...weird. It was a really hard feeling to describe. I'll give it my best shot to describe it to you. Basically, imagine you're floating underwater. Now imagine the water begins compacting you and forcing you to curl up into a tiny ball. Then the water shoots you down a current at about two-hundred miles an hour. Without limbs.

See? I told you it was weird.

Even weirder was that everything was growing bigger. Since when did it do that? Whatever astral entity was buffing everything up, it was doing it pretty well. I was impressed.

Then I realized that I was actually getting _smaller._ I was only kinda freaked out; this sort of thing hadn't really happened to me before. I was more curious than anything else, really. I looked behind me, and I saw _myself._ A big ball of fire, getting rapidly smaller. I looked down, and saw what looked like a stream of molten magma connecting my two bodies.

Hold on a second.

Two?

Sure enough, I was somehow disconnected from my body, dripping out of it like yolk from an egg. That's pretty much what it looked like. I didn't even have limbs. I was just a drip of molten liquid from the world's hottest egg. All of a sudden, I felt a sudden increase in pressure around me, compressing me further.

This would be the part where I got thrust down the current.

The most demeaning part was that it wasn't even a _cool_ separation. There was no explosion, no boom of thunder to demonstrate my awesomeness. There wasn't even a flash of light. It was just an audible _pop_ , like a cork from a bottle. Kind of hurt my feelings, now that I think about it. Couldn't my dramatic exit be at least a little more...I don't know, dramatic?

"Selene... _YOU BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!_ " I screamed as I rocketed downwards, toward the world I had created.

This was the point where my life began to suck.

* * *

 ** _(So, I hope you liked the little taste of my new story. This was sort of a prologue-slash-intro, to help you get a feel of what you can expect. I'm still working on my other two stories, so it might be a while before I update this again. A few weeks, tops. I've got some fun ideas for this story...I think. I'm gonna need feedback before I make a decision. For those of you who are mythology-oriented, yes, I decided to name my characters after the Greek titans of the sun and moon. You try coming up with good names. It's hard. Oh, and if you're into astronomy and currently tearing your hair out over my scientific inaccuracies, sorry. This is a fanfic. You're gonna have to just roll with it. Who will I include in this story? The ones listed in the summary, plus a few others, one I've already hinted at. Who is Helios's descendant? Post your guess in the review for this little snippet of what's to come. Until next time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere)_**


	2. Welcome to the Jungle (It Sucks)

**_(Hey, guys and gals, FicfansEverywhere here with a new chapter! I know, I said that it'd be a while, but after some thinking, I've decided to take a breather from my other two stories to work on this. I'm sorry if you've been waiting for a new chapter of I'll Be Seeing You Again and War: Legend, but I promise it won't be long. I'll probably get back to work on those two after the fifth chapter. I just feel that I can put more of my personality into this story. The reviews I got from the first chapter were super positive, so I'm gonna go ahead and continue with this. NOW LET'S DO THIS!)_**

* * *

I could already tell this was one of the lower points in my life.

Somehow, Selene had forced me into a drop of molten fire, then shot me towards my favorite planet. I had very mixed feelings about the whole experience. On one hand: Selene, you bitch, when I get back up there I'm going to kill you. On the other: Sweet, I get to tour my planet for the first time. Now isn't that cool?

I was contemplating this as I fell a few billion meters to the surface. It was a pretty unique perspective. I could easily look around me, watching my previous body shrink behind me. That was certainly weird. It was kind of like I'd died and my soul was leaving. Hopefully that wasn't the case.

But when I looked down, all I saw was a streak of blazing energy, hurtling down towards Runeterra. I basically resembled a very small comet. A very pissed off small comet at that.

I actually got kinda bored after a while. It'd already been ten minutes, and at that point I'd gotten used to the rumbling in my head. What, Selene couldn't have at least made things go a little faster?

Oh, _gods,_ she was going to do every little thing to make me suffer, wasn't she? Bitch.

It was another five minutes before Runeterra finally got big enough to make out. Another annoying little tidbit. I couldn't see nearly as well as I used to. Maybe I needed glasses. Did Piltover even offer glasses for former deities? I hadn't seen any, last time I'd checked...not that I did. I didn't think I'd need them.

I was starting to see why Selene had gotten the drop on me so easily.

My thoughts were interrupted as I broke through the atmosphere, through one of the holes in the ozone layer. For once, Zaun completely ignoring health regulations turned out to be convenient.

Then, my molten form starting peeling away, like skin did after a me-burn. A wall of wind suddenly slammed into me as my shield of flames dissipated. I didn't really enjoy the change in pressure as I plummeted, my eyes watering and the gusts buffeting my clothes. It helped a little to shield my face with my arms, but not much.

Hey, how about that? I had a body. And clothes, apparently. Phew. That was a relief. I was a bit worried that I would emerge buck-naked. _That_ would've been uncomfortable. I mean, what if I wasn't as hot as a human as I was as a star? At least if I was a hunk I'd feel a little more comfortable. Helios, the Pervy Star, they would call me. Flashing people in not one, but _two_ ways! Now wouldn't that be an interesting title.

It'd be a better title than Darius's, anyways. "The Hand of Noxus?" Seriously? Is there a Foot of Noxus too? How about a Chin? Eye? Finger? Wait! How about a Dick of Noxus?

Nah, too vulgar. Although Draven more or less fit the resumé. Pity it was such a small one, too. How do I know that? I don't actually have to see it to know what it looks like. There was no visible change if he got aroused. And he was aroused a lot. Perv.

Back to where I was at the time. Should I have pissed myself? Granted, I was falling at about two-hundred miles per hour, with no way of slowing down, but in my defense, I'm the sun. I was the equivalent of three trillion Super Mega Death Rockets exploding _simultaneously_ since the day I was formed. What did I have to be scared of?

The ground was getting pretty close. I estimated it'd be about seven seconds before I impacted. It was just an estimation, though. I couldn't really see that well through the wind.

-seven-

Wow, I'm

-six-

getting really

-five-

close. Like

-four-

 _really close._

-three-

Is this

-two-

part gonna

-one-

hurt?

-zero-

Everything went black.

* * *

I let out a groan as I woke up, blinking rapidly to adjust to the sunlight. Me-light? Whatever.

My first thought afterwards was _Yep. It hurt._ Boy, did it hurt. My body was beaten and bruised, like it'd just gone through the Fleshing. Believe me, you don't wanna know what goes on in there.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose as I sat up, only to flop back down with an audible hiss. My spine was having none of it.

 _Well, since I'm not going anywhere for a bit, I might as well look around, see where I am and what I look like._ I thought to myself. My eyes darted down to my new body, down in the smoldering crater I lay in. I had fairly tanned skin, although just enough to prevent me from looking too pale. Cool. I was a beach boy. I was wearing some sort of gi, colored red with gold trim, plus matching red pants and simple grey boots. A golden sun emblem was stitched on the space above my heart.

 _On the bright side, I look downright fabulous._ I thought. _On the downside...I've practically got a big glowing sign above my head flashing 'Hey, look at me! I'm the sun! Diana, life-stealers, come and get me!'_

 _Now, where am I?_

 _Uh-oh._

 _I'm in Kumungu._

Now, don't get me wrong, Kumungu Jungle's a really nice place...if you know where to look. The carnivorous plants and blood-sucking insects could be a bit of a turn-off. There was dense brush and trees in all directions, save for directly above me, where I'd created an opening in the canopy.

Great. Here I was, a sitting duck, practically _begging_ to be eaten by whichever lucky predator came my way first.

I moaned. "This suuuuuuuuucks." I said. I sighed. "Well, I just got here, and I'd rather not be eaten, so I guess I might as well _try_ to stand up...if I even know how."

Gingerly, I sat up, wincing as small sparks of pain ran up and down my back. Eventually I got myself into an upright position, before propping myself on my hands and knees.

I let out a huff of air. "All right." I said. "Here goes." Slowly, I raised up one knee, switching to a crouching position before pushing myself upwards. "W-woah, woah!" I wobbled on my feet as I stood, spreading my arms for balance.

"Okay..." I said as I steadied myself. "I'm standing. On legs. Weird." I cautiously raised one leg up, shakily placing it on the ground in front of me. "Just one foot..." I took another step. "In front of the other. Okay, I think I've got a rhythm going." After I got the hang of walking (my vast memory playing no small part in that), I began to practice running.

I fell flat on my face.

I spat out mud as I looked up. It tasted disgusting, and stuck to uncomfortable places in my mouth. I stood up again, wiping my face with my sleeve before spotting a nearby stream. I decided to walk over this time. I crouched down beside it, cupping my hands in the water before taking a sip. I swirled it around in my mouth for a bit before spitting it out. I repeated this process until I had cleaned my mouth sufficiently. Seriously, why did mud have to taste so bad? Why couldn't it taste like chocolate? Granted, I'd never tasted chocolate, but apparently it was good.

I caught my reflection in the water's surface as the sun shone down on it. Great. I was referring to myself in the third person now. Anyways, in terms of looks, I wasn't half bad. The most noticeable part was my hair. It was a weird mix of blonde and golden orange. It kinda made me look like my hair was on fire. My eyes were amber, nothing unusual there. I cocked my face to the side, examining myself in the water.

"Heh." I smirked. "Quite a looker, if I do say so myself."

A low growl made me immediately perk up, scanning the dense foliage in front of me. _Crap._ Was there a predator around already?

It came again, only this time I felt a twinge in my stomach. I looked down. The growl came again, only this time I could see my stomach slightly vibrating.

I sweat-dropped. "Oh. I'm hungry." I probably should've seen that coming. You get a human body, you get everything that comes with it. Even the things that suck.

"Alright..." I stood up. "How am I going to get some food?" There were only two ways to fill up in Kumungu: Hunt or eat fruit. Hunting was obviously a no-no, considering I barely knew how.

You're probably wondering "Barely? It sounds like you've never hunted at all before this!" Well, that's true, but remember: I have an eidetic memory. I'd seen plenty of hunters do their stuff out in the wilderness, and I always remembered their exact body movements. How to throw a spear, how to fire a bow, etc. The only trouble was that I knew hunting wasn't nearly as easy as it looked. You had to know the habits of your prey, and how to efficiently kill them. Did the thought disgust me? No. I'd watched the Rune Wars, for gods' sake. A dead animal was nothing compared to _that._

 _Ugh._ I just remembered what they looked like. I might throw up now. Really, they were that bad.

Anyways, I knew that I'd be more likely to get myself killed than get an actual meal. Killing it and skinning it wouldn't be a problem, but I had no way to accomplish that. I was defenseless in Kumungu.

In other words, screwed.

"Huh?" A bright flash of color caught the corner of my eye. Looking up, I spotted a yellow pear hanging from a tree branch. "Hah-ha!" I rubbed my hands together excitedly. "Now we're talkin'!" My expression faltered. "Uh...how am I gonna get that?" It was a pretty tall tree. Naturally, the pear was on one of the uppermost branches. Typical.

I sighed. "Guess there's only one way to do this." I walked up to the tree, craning my neck upward towards the pear. The cruel part was that there weren't any branches _besides_ the uppermost ones. I'd have to scale the trunk. I knew the principles behind that too, but I'd seen plenty of people attempt something they thought was easy before getting screwed over.

 _Okay,_ I puffed out a breath of air. _You know how to do this._

The first thing I did was kick the tree. I had to check if it would hold my weight. It didn't budge. Good, it wasn't rotting. Resting a foot against the trunk, I braced myself before hurling my body upward, digging my fingers into grooves in the bark. They stung from the effort, but I could tolerate it for a few minutes. I stretched an arm up, gripping further up the tree before throwing my weight up again. I was getting a good pace going after a few seconds, and I wasn't nearly as tired as I'd expected. It looked like my human body was more fit than average.

Hey, what do you know? I'd gone from learning how to walk to climbing trees in less than ten minutes. Ah, the perks of an eidetic memory. And since I was pretty muscular (My gi was short-sleeved, so I could see my arms), who knew? Maybe I'd be able to take down a tiger or two in a few days...assuming I lived that long.

I reached the top, just barely arms-length away from the pear. I licked my lips in anticipation. My first-ever meal had been mud. Hopefully my second one would be sweet. And juicy.

I reached out with one arm, but my fingers barely glanced the edge. "Damn it." I muttered under my breath, before reaching out again. I got a little further on that try, but it still wasn't enough. On the third try I managed to get a firm grip around the pear. "Hah-ha, yes!" I silently applauded myself. "Time to dig in!"

Right as I said that, my foot slipped.

I toppled from the top of the tree, but not before I managed to snap the pear off its stem.

"AAAAAAA-OOMPH!" I hit the ground with a dull _thud._ "Ow." I groaned, hissing as I rolled over onto my back. "I'm...not gonna...do that again...for a while." I panted. I was a bit out of breath. That fall had taken a lot out of me.

"But I still got this thing!" I celebrated, holding it up in both hands triumphantly. It was a big piece of fruit, and it looked _tasty._

"I think I'm gonna be just fine." I said to myself, lowering the pear to my mouth.

* * *

I was most definitely _not_ fine.

Turns out, that pear was rotten. At this point I'd just accepted that life was out to get me. How did I figure this out? The last hour.

I'd eaten the pear anyway. Beggars couldn't be choosers in Kumungu. It took a lot more water to wash _that_ awful taste outta my mouth. Afterwards, I'd set off in a random direction. The jungle wasn't endless, and I knew I'd get out eventually if I just kept walking.

Of course, Kumungu had the bright idea to make that walk _hell._ The jungle did whatever it could to make my life miserable (there's no Mother Nature, by the way. Sorry to spoil your fun). I'd been bitten by mosquitos at least twenty times, my clothes and face were dirty from slipping in mud, and I hadn't found a _single_ decent source of food since that stupid pear! I'd almost died for that fruit! And how had it rewarded me for my hard work? By tasting like shit. Oh, and there were a few piranhas in the rivers I crossed. I was going to have a _long_ rant at Selene once it got dark.

My face paled. _Oh, no. The dark._ Kumungu was a slaughterhouse at night. That was when the _real_ predators came out.

Great. Just great. Not only was I at the lowest point of my life, without any of my old power, but I had landed in the most dangerous place in all of Runeterra! Gee, it sure was fun having life hate me! The worst part was that I hadn't even done anything to deserve it.

I'm sensing a few skeptical deadpans. Seriously, I hadn't! It wasn't my fault that it was so hot in Shurima! Well, okay, it was, but not intentionally! It's not like I had temperature control. I just had one setting: immensely hot.

I was exhausted. The terrain was uneven, and I'd been walking for more than an hour. Through Kumungu Jungle. With no food. My stomach was _not_ happy with that piece of information. I could understand why. I had a rotten pear sloshing around in my guts. Didn't fix the ache I had, unfortunately.

I stopped as I heard motion in front of me. I heard disconnected muttering from over a small hill. My spirits raised. Was there someone else here? Could they help me? Maybe they had food! My stomach let out another growl at the thought.

I eagerly began picking my way through the bushes, pushing giant leaves out of the way as I made my way towards the noise. The muttering became louder as I spotted a small clearing in the trees. I sighed in relief. Finally, some open space! And if there was a person there, that meant a house! With food! This was _awesome._ It was just getting dark too, so I'd made it just in time.

 _And to think I thought life was out to get me._ I thought, snorting. _Guess it's decided to have mercy on me. No complaints there._

I stepped out of the foliage into the clearing, looking around excitedly for shelter. To my disappointment, there wasn't any. I sighed in irritation. _Fine life, make my things a little harder._ I thought to myself. _At least there's another per-_

I halted my train of thought as I looked down.

Oh, _Shit._

 _Shit shit shit._

 _Shit shit shit shit shit._

What was I freaking out about? Simple.

It wasn't a person I'd found.

 _It was Kha'Zix._

I instantly felt a lump in my stomach. This was _bad._ _Very bad._ Kha'Zix was one of my _least_ favorite champions. He had a disgusting habit of eating whatever he felt like eating, and evolved a little bit with each meal. Which meant if he ate _me,_ Runeterra would have a _very_ bad day.

Currently, he...it...screw it, _he_ was hunched over his latest meal. "Ah... _deliciousssss._ " He hissed. "It will satisssfy me...for now." I shuddered. His voice was incredibly creepy, and it didn't help he liked to extend the "s" if it was on the end of a sentence.

"This will not bring me sufficient change," Kha'Zix continued. "But it will do." I couldn't even tell what he'd eaten. It'd been ripped apart, a pile of torn meat and guts. I felt sick to my stomach. Great. Rotten pear and mutilated animal. Ultimate power combo.

I felt a surge of anger as the Voidborn picked at his food. I sure as hell hadn't invited him to Runeterra! I hadn't let _any_ of the Voidborn in! They just showed up one day and decided "Gee, wouldn't this place look cooler dead?" And he didn't even have proper manners! If you're going to kill and eat something, at least be polite about it!

Kha'Zix's head suddenly jerked upward, sniffing the air. "Hmm...I smell something...burning." I raised an eyebrow in confusion. What was he going on about? There wasn't any fire around. A glow above me caught my attention. I looked up, and my eyes widened.

The gods had set my hair on fire.

No, my weirdly-colored hair didn't just look that way. It was _literally_ on fire. Actually, it was _made_ of fire. Somehow, my hair had morphed into flames the same color as my hair, giving me the appearance of a human torch. It strangely didn't hurt; it actually felt kinda soothing.

I was still angry, though. My fist was clenched as Kha'Zix disregarded the smell and resumed eating. It was disgusting, to watch him go on like this. I could tolerate the Shadow Isles, but this? The Voidborn had shown up on _my_ pad uninvited, and the first thing they'd done was mutilate and kill. Mostly both. My hair flared brighter as my mood darkened. How Kha'Zix didn't notice this, I had no idea.

That was when I decided to temporarily shift my weight and step on a twig. And we all know what happens when we step on twigs behind a big scary void-monster.

I silently whispered a string of curses, ones I wouldn't dare write in this thing. I had some pretty creative ones, let me tell you.

Kha'Zix instantly froze, and his head whipped toward me.

 _Uh-oh._

My hair's flames instantly went out, resuming its earlier form. My anger and bravery followed shortly after.

" _My, my,_ what have we here?" Kha'Zix inquired. Blood was dripping from his fangs, which were curled up in a sinister grin. "A little Solari, far from home?" He let out what sounded like a chittering laugh. _Huh?_ I thought, momentarily confused, but terrified all the same. _Oh, it's the gi._ _The sun emblem's probably the tip-off._

"And not just _any_ Solari..." Kha'Zix sniffed towards me. Apparently he'd found something that interested him, which was _not_ good. "You smell... _different._ " He crouched low, ready to pounce. "I smell worthy prey."

 _Oh shit_ _oh shit_ _oh shit_ _oh shit_ _oh shit_ I thought desperately. I was dead. I'd seen what he could do, and if he thought I was worthy of his interest...

Yeah, I officially hated life right about then.

Luckily, I had a brilliant idea. "Oh shit, it's Rengar!" I shouted, pointing behind him. Kha'Zix instantly twisted around, snarling.

I took that as an incentive to run. I sprinted as fast as my legs could carry me, leaping over streams and climbing over anything in my way. I ran for at least five minutes without stopping, before climbing up a tree and taking cover behind the trunk atop one of its branches.

My chest was heaving, but it strangely wasn't from fatigue. I actually didn't feel tired at all. I didn't notice this, as I was too busy shivering in terror.

I couldn't believe this. I'd gone from being one of the powerful entities in the universe to hiding in a tree from a gigantic killer insect. "Make Helios's life suck" was beginning to become a recurring theme here. Selene was probably having the time of her life right now. I got to suffer at the hands of the world I'd created while Selene got to laugh at my expense. Bitch.

I couldn't hear Kha'Zix, not that it was any consolation. He could be right above me, for all I knew, and I'd never see him coming. I looked up, just in case. No killer insect. _Phew._ I was in the clear. Now that I thought about it, Kha'Zix probably would've just gone in the direction I'd pointed, anyways. He wasn't going to take any chances.

What would my next move be? Hang up here until morning? Probably not a bad idea. Most predators in Kumungu couldn't climb, save for Kha'Zix, tigers and cougars. Hopefully I'd run into the latter.

I failed to notice the thorny vine slowly slithering down towards me from above, gingerly coiling around my arm before becoming taut.

"Huh?" I looked down.

"Oh, you've gotta be-" were my last words before I was yanked upwards, disappearing through the canopy.

* * *

I was hanging upside down, wrapped in thorns. My face was flushed from the blood going to my head, and once again my life sucked. Big time.

"So, just outta curiosity...could you let me go?" I asked. My question was directed at none other than Zyra, the Rise of Thorns herself. She was lounging on a throne made of thorns (go figure), and was examining her nails absently while I writhed.

" _I'm afraid not."_ Zyra replied. Her voice always sounded like there were five different versions of her speaking at once. Did everything in Kumungu have to be so creepy? I was starting to reevaluate my belief that I'd created the perfect planet. Almost dying at least thirty times was a real eye-opener.

"And...why not?" I inquired nervously, looking down. At what? Zyra's "children." A.k.a every single type of carnivorous plant you could think of. And all of them had teeth. I was currently in what passed for Zyra's "lair." It was basically a giant dome sphere made completely of thorns, latched to the side of a gigantic tree. There wasn't much in there, besides me, Zyra, and the plants. There was a little walkway between me and her throne, made of (you guessed it) thorns. What a cliché.

 _"Because my children are hungry."_ Zyra answered, standing up from her throne. _"And you appear to be quite the tender morsel."_

I actually had the nerve to deadpan. "Lady, I haven't eaten anything in a few hours, and the last thing I _did_ eat was a rotten pear. Unless your little angels fancy that, I can guarantee I won't go down well."

Zyra laughed as she walked over to me. _"You have nerve, Solari. Not many have the gall to speak to me in such a manner."_

"Yeah, well, my life's been knee-deep in shit lately, so pardon me if I'm not exactly in the mood for cowering." I replied drily. "So much so that I'll probably taste like shit if your plants eat me."

 _"It hardly makes a difference."_ Zyra shrugged. _"Feces are a source of nutrition for my children. It also hardly matters if you're malnourished. It all comes down to the same thing, once my children's digestive fluids begin affecting you."_

I gulped. Being digested did _not_ sound fun.

 _"And there is something else."_ Zyra commented thoughtfully, tapping a finger on her chin with one hand on her hip. _"Something is...off about you."_

"Let me guess, your mage senses are picking up on something you've never seen before."

 _"You are aware of my status as a mage within the League of Legends?"_ Zyra asked, surprised.

I shrugged. "You're a bizarre plant-human hybrid that feeds people to her "children." Your, ah...reputation precedes you."

 _"Perhaps I should keep you alive for entertainment."_ Zyra mused, chuckling softly. _"But that would upset my children, and they need to be fed."_

I suddenly felt myself begin to lower, towards the snapping mouths of the plants below me. Oh, joy, the old "slow, inevitable death" routine. I'd been wondering when she'd get to that. When I was still a star, I'd seen every villain in Runeterra do this at least once. Typically it never ended well, but there were a few exceptions.

It looked like this was going to be the latter. The only thing I had was flaming hair, and it didn't even burn. At least, it didn't burn _me._

As I edged closer and closer to my doom, I slowly absorbed the situation I was in.

I'd been kicked out of my body.

Booted out to Runeterra.

I'd landed in Kumungu, the worst place I could possibly be besides the Shadow Isles.

I'd eaten a rotten pear.

I'd been bitten in the ass by piranhas.

And everywhere else by mosquitos.

I'd nearly died thirty-two times. I was keeping track.

Thirty-three counting Kha'Zix.

I was hungry, tired, and extremely annoyed.

In fact, I was angry.

 _Incredibly_ angry.

I don't remember how I broke free. Or how I even did it. All I know is one moment a plant's about to eat me, the next my restrains had been seared open and I was standing in front of Zyra with my whole body on fire, angrier than ever.

Oh, and Zyra's children had been disintegrated, too. She didn't like that.

 _"I will tear out your heart for this, Solari!"_ She hissed, thorns sprouting from the walls of her lair.

"We'll see about that." I replied, my arms blazing. "Let's see if we can turn you into your Wildfire skin."

Zyra lifted an arm, gesturing towards me. The thorns obeyed her command, streaking towards me, intent on murder. I reacted instinctively (not to mention like a total badass), thrusting both my arms out. Twin fireballs shot out, exploding in contact with the thorns. They were reduced to shriveled, blackened tendrils, before crumbling.

The Rise of Thorns snarled, before summoning another wave of thorns, albeit double the previous number. Again, I returned with fireballs, each one exploding against the malevolent vines. Interestingly enough, not only did they explode, but wherever they impacted, they caked the entire area in flames.

"Hold on a second." I briefly stopped, examining my hands. "I. Can make. NAPALM?!" I laughed. "Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!" I grinned. "It's on now, bitch!"

"But then again, maybe not." I waved a salute. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I think I'm gonna see myself out. Later." I shot a blast downward, and the floor collapsed beneath me.

* * *

A few minutes later I was cursing my stupidity as I limped away from where I'd landed. Not only had the fall hurt like hell, but I'd somehow cut myself on the way down. A deep gash was running down my side, bleeding excessively. My clothes were ripped, too. I no longer looked fabulous. That sucked.

I didn't know where I was going, but I knew I had to get away. I wasn't exactly in prime fighting condition, and I wasn't sure if I could pull off the napalm trick again. How did I even do that? Part of me wasn't surprised, considering I used to be the sun, but it was still weird. I'd have to test it out later, assuming I survived. The scent of my blood would attract predators, maybe even Kha'Zix.

I should've stayed up in Zyra's bachelorette-pad. I probably could've taken her, but instead I'd opted for the dramatic exit. Of all the times to want payback for earlier...

I limped for gods-know how long, slowly losing consciousness as blood seeped out from my wound. I then collapsed, a pool of blood expanding under me as my eyelids fluttered weakly. I could barely think straight, my thoughts disconnected and sluggish.

I hoped my body would continue to burn after I died. Runeterra had its flaws, but it still had good people. Wouldn't be very nice of me if I burned out, then Runeterra froze over. Even the Freljordians wouldn't be able to handle the drop in temperature.

I weakly looked up as I sensed a presence over me. Two, in fact. You know that weird feeling you get when someone else is close to you? How you can tell they're near you even if you can't see them? That was the vibe I was getting.

"Are you gonna just stand there, or are you gonna help me out?" I asked weakly, barely able to make them out. I was pretty desperate at that point. I'd been desperate for a while, actually.

"Tell me, human, do you prefer the arrow..." A feminine voice asked.

"Or the chase?" A not-at-all human voice snarled.

 _Oh my gods, WHY?!_

* * *

 _ **(Hope you liked this chapter. Sorry again for postponing the latest chapters of my other stories. I'm just having way too much fun with this one. Again, once I get to chapter five, I'll get back to them, so please just wait until then. Next chapter will have deity things. On a scale of 1 to 10, how screwed would you say Helios is right now? You know, considering. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere)**_


	3. I'm Adopted by a Cat

**_(Hey, guys and gals, FicfansEverywhere here with another chapter. I've been having a lot of fun with this story so far, and it's only the third chapter. Sweet! Last chapter, Helios had a pretty hard time. And it ended with encountering Kindred. Lovely. This chapter will show a bit of Helios's role in Runeterra's not-really-mythology, including his relationship with Kindred. LET'S DO THIS!)_**

* * *

It was official.

Life was out to get me.

And now Death was too, apparently. Why couldn't everybody just leave me alone? Or provide me with shelter and a hot plate of food? Was that really too much to ask? I mean, I'd eaten a _rotten pear,_ for gods' sake. Was I kinda ranting about that? Yeah. But you would've too if you'd tasted the thing. It really was nasty. It was akin to eating a pile of shit with just a hint of sour fruit. Have fun with that mental image.

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I was succumbing to blood loss. Not only that, but I'd just been asked how I wanted to die. Awesome. I should've explained manners better to Kindred when I was a star. Or at least turned Wolf into a vegetarian.

Confused? I'll get to that part in a bit.

"Seriously?" I groaned, rolling onto my back. "That's the first question you ask? 'How do you want to die?' Not 'Oh my gods, are you okay?' In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly in the mood for dying."

"Is that your answer, then?" Wolf asked excitedly. "The chase?"

"Wha-no, I was just making a point!" I retorted, rolling my eyes. In a way, Kindred showing up was a good thing. When they did, time stopped around your wound. Literally. That was one ability Lamb and Wolf had. Your fatal wound stopped hurting, and your stamina returned. Time also stopped around you in general. This was for practicality. If you chose the chase, you'd run until Wolf caught you, then once your spirit had been sucked out and sent whichever part of the afterlife you got, he'd carry your body back to its original position. If you chose the arrow, then Lamb shot you. Duh. You didn't even feel it. At least, that's from what Lamb told me. It was like getting ambushed with a frying pan from behind. Quick and painless. The time-thing also let them attend every single death in Runeterra. Luckily, I was one of the only entities aware of this. Zilean would be having a fit if he did.

"Then your choice is the arrow?" Lamb inquired, already raising her bow.

"Nope."

"Then it is the chase!" Wolf licked his chops.

"Not that either."

Kindred fell silent, stunned. "We do not understand." Lamb said. "You must pick one or the other. There is no alternative."

"Yes, there is." I replied. "You can grant me a reprieve."

"We do not-"

I cut Lamb off with a dismissive wave as I sat up. "Yes, you do. You just don't want to. Not many people deserve a second life. In fact, the last time you did that was..." I trailed off, stroking my chin thoughtfully. "Five-hundred twenty-six years ago, give or take a few days."

Wolf snarled, hackles raised. "How do you know this?! Explain yourself!" He demanded.

"Peace, dear Wolf." Lamb raised a hand to his side, stroking it soothingly. "Although I am curious myself."

I shrugged. "Simple. It's the same way I know that your mask isn't a mask. It's your face."

Kindred stiffened. "Who...are you?" Lamb asked.

I tilted my head to the side, smirking. "I'm not surprised that you don't recognize me. Last time I saw you, I was a big ball of fire. The same big ball of fire that let you live on my pad." Thank gods my cut didn't hurt anymore. It'd look awkward if it did while I made that smirk.

Lamb stared at me, her eyes darting about my face in confusion. She did that for nearly two minutes, before her eyes widened in alarm.

"Lord Helios?" She whispered. Lamb immediately dropped into a kneeling position, Wolf following her example. "Forgive us, Lord, we did not know!"

* * *

Now, I know what you're thinking here:

 _'Da ****?!_

Wait, I can make censorship beeps? _That's_ cool! And convenient. Kolminye'd have my ass if I did anything deemed "inappropriate for this account." Say what you will, she can be scary as _hell_ when she wants to be.

Anyways, surprised? Shocked, even? Kindred? Calling me "lord?" How?! I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda smug right now...okay, very smug. I'll explain it to you by asking one question:

Where do you think deities come from?

They don't just pop out of thin air and say "Hi! I'm a god! Worship me!" For starters, they only pop out of thin air. It takes them a while before they actually develop an ego. As for how they pop out of thin air? Space dragons aren't the only primordial force in the universe, you know. There are hundreds more, and they can either be really cool or just plain pathetic. And deities don't just show up on whatever planet they like. We have a system.

Basically, if a god, goddess or spirit wants to inhabit a planet, they go to the entities that run the place: Stars. Since I'm the head honcho of Runeterra, Kindred asked me for permission. They were reasonable enough (we don't let just anybody in), so I gave them a "license." I'm basically their landlord. It comes with a few perks, too.

One of them is that if I want somebody dead, I can just send Kindred. Had I ever done that? No. I wasn't a heartless bastard. Well...there was _one_ time. But I had a good reason!

I actually sent Lamb and Wolf after Mordekaiser. During his first life. Back when he was human. It was at the time people finally got tired of his bullshit and stormed his palace. The trouble was that he was extremely hard to kill. Five swords, three spears, and at least twenty arrows later and he was _still_ standing. I mean, he just _would not die._ I didn't think he knew how, at the time. So I provided him with some education. I even told Wolf to skip the chase part. Just sic 'em.

So, yeah. I basically had Death on my payroll. Er...not that I payed them. I mean, I offered, but they didn't really have any reason to use money. They're immortal. It's not like they had to earn their dinner. Sometimes, just for fun, I'd tell Illaoi's kraken god to play around with Gangplank's ship. _That_ was always hilarious.

"Guys, you really don't need to kneel. You know I'm pretty laid back most of the time." I said, feeling a little awkward.

"As you command, Lord Helios." Lamb replied, standing up. Wolf followed soon after. I sighed. Hoo boy.

"I do not understand, Lord." Wolf said, dumbfounded. "How are you here? How are you...human?"

"Selene got the drop on me. I dunno how she did it, but I'm stuck here because of her."

"Bitch." Wolf snarled.

I laughed. "Don't I know it." What, you think _I_ was the only one who knew how annoying Selene was? Every deity found out sooner or later. That was never a happy day.

"Say, uh...you wouldn't've by any chance seen a giant glowing beam of light lately, have you?" I asked. "I wasn't really paying attention when it hit me."

Lamb shook her head. "I'm afraid not, Lord Helios. We weren't even aware anything was amiss."

I groaned. "Naturally. Not only does Selene screw me over, she makes sure it's done in the most discrete way possible." I was about to go on a rant (it was night, after all) when my expression faltered.

"So...about that reprieve..." I mentioned.

"Of course, my Lord." Lamb said with a small bow. "But...you _are_ aware that we can only give you a reprieve _once_?" She asked nervously.

I gulped. "Yeah. Option three's a one-time deal. And I'm not stupid enough to try option four."

"Surely it wouldn't be difficult?" Lamb questioned.

I deadpanned. "I've been knee-deep in shit ever since I've got here. I mean, sure, I can apparently fire a bit of napalm and spontaneously combust, but I'm not nearly strong enough to even _think_ about option four."

"Apologies, Lord." Lamb replied, wincing. "We did not mean to offend you."

"You didn't. I'm laid back, remember? Now, about reviving me..."

"Right away, Lord Helios." Lamb placed her hand on my cut, and the wound slowly closed. Time began to speed up, and I felt myself getting tired. I was probably going to lose consciousness again. With my luck (although it was slowly getting better), it was going to be a habit.

"Wait a minute." My face paled. "What am I going to do? Everything besides you two wants to kill me. I don't know Kumungu. Not like..." My expression brightened. I turned to Lamb. "Do you know where-"

"I do, my Lord." She answered. "In fact, she has been tracking you for some time. The huntress is very close. She will protect you."

I let out a breath of relief. "Good. Thanks, guys. See you later."

"Farewell, Lord Helios." My vision became blurry, and I flopped to the ground, unconscious.

Yep. This was gonna become a habit.

Luckily, I'd just managed to make out the outline of someone running towards me before I blacked out.

* * *

I woke with a start.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose, letting out a yawn. I stretched my arms, before waking up enough to observe my new lodgings.

I was in a well-constructed hut, patched together from leather and tree branches. I was in a small bedroom, draped in various fur coats from my bed. I was dressed in a white tunic with matching boxers, which I'd been wearing under my gi. It was the one thing that hadn't torn from my earlier fiasco. The furs were pretty impressive, too. Those furs belonged to animals that could kill you in _their_ sleep. Which meant I was in the right place.

The bedroom was pretty much empty besides a few trophies nailed to the wall, made of tree bark. There were a few skulls, some teeth, and they all had one thing in common: they were all from some of the most lethal animals on the planet. Some of them weren't even from Kumungu. My host really knew hot to get around, which was exactly what I needed.

I stepped out of my bedroom and into the living room. It had a few chairs and one couch, all made of leather. There was even a kitchen and pantry, with running water too. Clever.

The hut also had another bedroom, plus a bathroom (and leaves for toilet paper. Luckily they were a good substitute) and door that led outside. It wasn't anything special, just a simple leather flap over an opening in the bark. The place was currently empty, but it didn't matter. She'd be back soon enough.

As if right on cue, the flap on the door lifted to reveal a woman who appeared to be in her early thirties. She had black hair, with dark skin that had a few creamy stripes, almost like a tiger. She was dressed in furs, once again from dangerous predators. She had a spear on her back, plus a boar slung over her shoulder.

"Oh!" The huntress straightened as she noticed me. "You're awake." She moved over to a small area near the kitchen, hanging the boar from a hook on the wall. "Do you remember what happened to you? She asked as she walked over to me.

"Yep." I winced. "I kind of wish I didn't."

"Understandable. Kumungu isn't exactly a friendly neighborhood, kit."

"You're telling me." I blinked a few times. "I'm sorry, 'kit?' "

The huntress rolled her eyes. "From the way I found you, absolutely." She winced in slight embarrassment. "Plus I was raised by cougars. It's a bit of a habit." I knew the cougar part. I remembered that turn of events relatively easily.

"Well, I have a name, so 'kit' isn't really necessary." I replied drily.

"Nuh-uh. You're gonna have to earn that right yourself, kit." She faltered. "But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to know your name."

"Helios." I answered, holding out a hand. She shook it. "I'm-"

"Nidalee." I finished. "I know."

She cocked an eyebrow. "How do you know my name?"

"You're The Bestial Huntress. One of Kumungu's alpha predators, the others being Rengar, Kha'Zix, and Zyra. Plus you're a champion in the League of Legends." I shrugged. "You could say you've got a pretty big rep."

Nidalee nodded, accepting my answer. "What exactly is a Solari doing here, anyways? Shouldn't you be worshipping the sun on Mount Targon? Speaking of which..." She walked over to the couch, picking up a neatly folded pile of clothing. "I took the liberty of patching up your clothes." She said, handing me my gi. "Your boots are by the door. Now answer my question."

"Uh..." I stammered. "Well, you see, I'm not a Solari. Not exactly."

"Oh?"

"This is gonna sound kinda crazy, but-"

"Crazier than Kindred giving you a pass from death?" Nidalee inquired.

"Pretty much." I stopped. "Wait, how did you know about that?"

"Kindred's a champion too, Helios. I've fought Lamb and Wolf plenty of times on the Rift to know when they're around. Wounds don't just close that fast on their own. The only way that could happen is if Kindred let you live." She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Why?"

I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly. "That would be the crazy part."

"I'm listening."

"The reason Kindred didn't reap my soul is because..." I took a deep breath. "They work for me."

Nidalee was silent, poker-faced. It was kinda funny. I mean, just imagine it.

"I'm sorry. _What?"_

"Told you."

"What do you mean they _work for you?_ Lamb and Wolf don't answer to anyone."

"They answer to me."

"How?"

"I'm kinda...sorta..." Another deep breath. "The sun."

"Now I know you're crazy, kit."

This could take a while to clear up.

* * *

I let out a deep breath as I finished, twenty minutes later. Nidalee sat on the couch, silent.

"So, let me get this straight. You're the sun." She said.

"Yep."

"That made the world."

"Yep."

"You were created by a space-dragon. I assume you mean Aurelion Sol?"

"Yep."

"You ordered Kindred to kill Mordekaiser."

"Well, technically it was only Wolf, but yep."

"And you've been banished to Runeterra by the moon, Selene."

"What a bitch."

She hummed in response. "Alright. I believe you."

"Really?" I cocked an eyebrow. "Just like that? My story's crazy, even by _your_ standards."

"Exactly."

"Huh?"

"It's too crazy _not_ to be true. People don't just come up with stories like that."

"Fair enough." I shrugged.

"What now?" Nidalee asked.

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. I honestly hadn't gotten that far. I'd just focused on getting somewhere safe, which in retrospect was a perfectly good idea.

"Getting out of Kumungu sounds like a good idea." I replied, after contemplating my answer.

"And go where?"

"Mount Targon. The Solari can help figure out how Selene did this to me." I actually considered going to Ionia, but besides a small personal matter, there wasn't really any point.

"Why would they be able to help? And I have another question: Isn't Leona technically supposed to be the sun?"

"Okay, one, they have access to a few Lunari temples, which might have useful info. Two, Leona is in no way me. Sure, I gave her me-powers and some extremely cool weapons, but she's not actually me. Just like Diana isn't Selene. Same situation."

"What about Pantheon?" Nidalee asked.

"Oh, him? He's definitely the Aspect of War. I can see why you'd be confused. It's a different case with him, though. He's running around in a host body."

I clapped my hands together. "Now, could you please help me get out of Kumungu? I'd like to get going. I'm in a bit of a hurry."

"No."

I gave a blank stare. "I'm sorry, what now?"

"You heard me, kit. I said no."

"Again with the 'kit' thing? I'm older than you. By billions of years. And why the hell can't we go now?" I demanded, my temper rising.

Nidalee's eyes suddenly widened, before she rushed over to the sink, grabbing a bucket and filling it with water. What on Runeterra was she doing?

The answer to that question came in the form of a bucket of water to the face. Luckily I'd set my clothes down on a table beside me.

Despite what Nidalee might tell you, I most definitely did _not_ shriek. I don't do that.

...Shit, now I've just confirmed it through denial. Damn it.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" I asked as I coughed and sputtered.

"Your hair was on fire!"

Ah.

"Oh, that." I answered, wiping my face with a towel Nidalee provided. "My hair, uh...does that. Sometimes."

"Your hair just randomly combusts." Nidalee summed up, deadpanning.

"Not randomly. I think it happens when I get angry. Which brings me back to my earlier question. Why can't we go?"

"Because it'd take days, kit, and I'm not gonna lug you around the whole way." Nidalee answered, crossing her arms.

"If you're worried about whether I can fight or not, I can. I almost roasted Zyra with napalm, remember?" I pointed out.

"That wasn't fighting. That was you chucking fireballs around. And Zyra's a plant. Plants hate fire. Let's see you get that lucky with Kha'Zix."

I sweat-dropped. She was right. Zyra's plants had burned really easily. So much so that it was almost embarrassing. For Zyra, I mean. I'd be if I had such a stupid weakness. Although, "kill it with fire" had gotten lots of results for a lot of people.

"Alright, fine." I said, crossing my arms. "I'll admit it, I don't like my chances with him. I'm guessing you have an idea in mind?"

"I do."

"Which is...?" I asked, gesturing for her to continue.

"I'm going to teach you to hunt."

"Say what?"

* * *

 _One month later (what, you thought I was gonna put the whole thing down? That'd take me a week, and I need me time)..._

I'd learn to both love and hate those words simultaneously.

It'd been a month since I met Nidalee (duh). One month since she'd introduced her terrifying training regimen.

I might've been more fit than the average human, but Nidalee was determined to break me in every way possible. At least, it felt that way. Even with my advanced memory, learning how to hunt was tough. It wasn't that the technique was difficult (it was, but my memory helped. You might think it was a bit unfair, but it can only help with so much), so much as the physical demand.

My body'd been beaten black and blue almost every single day since then. No, it hadn't been from learning how to climb properly. That made my fingers burn. No, it hadn't been from learning how to use a spear. That made my arms ache. And no, it hadn't been from learning how to navigate Kumungu. Well, it'd been partially from that (I'd tripped over plenty of tree roots), but I'd mostly starved. I once got lost for three days.

Nidalee didn't play when it came to teaching you how to survive. She did _not_ care if you were the sun.

No, my body'd been beaten black and blue from when Nidalee taught me hand-to-hand combat. She liked to give first-hand demonstrations. And dear gods, was she brutal. The woman could do more things with your arm than Aurelion Sol could do with star-matter. Forget Lee Sin's roundhouse kicks. Nidalee's fighting style took into account being mauled by a cougar. And I should know. She'd "demonstrated" that too.

I could see why the League had restricted her to a spear. And no, I don't want to talk about the cougar incident. _Ever_.

But despite Nidalee's newfound hobby of ripping me a new one, she could be pretty gentle. I always came home to a full meal, and she always treated whatever wounds I'd acquired to the best of her ability. She kinda acted like a mother cougar sometimes. Loving, caring, and bearing zero tolerance for bullshit. I didn't mind, actually. Nidalee was old enough to fit the role, and even though she was more my friend-slash-teacher, there was a bit of motherly sentiment in the mix somewhere. She also let me rant at Selene after dinner. That was generous of her. Especially taking my creative swear-words into account. Nidalee actually taught me a few even _I_ didn't know.

You'd be surprised what effects a month under Nidalee's wing in Kumungu had on your body. In a positive way, I mean. Take punching, for example:

The first time, she'd asked me to show her how I punch. I hit her open palm, but it was terrible (from my current point of view. Any regular person would've thought it was decent).

To show me how it was done, she punched me in the face. Hard.

Tough love is really something, isn't it?

The next time she'd asked me to punch was two weeks after. This included the incident where I'd lost my way.

That time, I punched _her_ in the face. Hard.

She was especially proud of me for that.

That wasn't the only thing that'd improved. My stamina had greatly increased, and I could scale a ten-meter cliff in less than seven seconds. I could leap at least twenty feet long (yes, like a kangaroo. Difference was I looked badass doing it). I could hit dead-center with a spear at three times that length, and I could sneak up on just about anything.

Well, not anything. I hadn't tried Kha'Zix and Zyra yet. I hadn't seen them at all, actually.

We'd also experimented a bit with my pyrokinetic abilities (ooh, look, big words. I'm such a nerd). I'd figured out how to create a fireball without so much as a second thought, but not much else besides that. The only thing we'd discovered was that I was fireproof. How had we found that out? I dropped a fireball by mistake. On myself. Turns out that not only was I fireproof, my clothes were too. They could be ripped, torn and shredded, but when it came to heat, they were invincible.

As for baths (I'll bet many of you were wondering about that part. Who wouldn't?), there was a cave near Nidalee's hut with some hot springs. She'd had the decency to put up a barrier between them so we could have some privacy.

And that pretty much sums up my life in Kumungu. Selene was probably throwing a tantrum every night she saw me. I was almost at stage three. What am I talking about? Well, I'd there were essentially three "stages" of life in Kumungu. One is where you can survive. Two is where you can do it really well. You can actually enjoy yourself if you're at stage two. And number three? That was when you were _so_ good at surviving that you could do it in style. You made it look easy.

Part of me was still trying to figure out how I'd gotten so good in such a short period of time. The other part wasn't surprised at all. Being a badass was a mandatory requirement in Kumungu.

Where was I now? Running through treetops and vaulting flawlessly over anything in my way. Either that or I climbed. The leather gloves I'd made for myself certainly helped. Did my hands get sweaty? Nope. I was fireproof. That meant I was immune to heat in general.

Anyways, I was playing a game of cat-and-mouse with Nidalee. Guess who was who. All I had to do was avoid Nidalee for as long as possible. The only other way to get the chase to stop was if I managed to catch her in a trap. Guess how often _that_ happened.

A snarl made my eyes bulge out of my skull from the branch I was running on. I instantly picked up my pace, my heart pounding in my chest. Great. She'd found me already.

A cougar burst out of the tree-line behind me, claws tearing up splinters on the bark. I leaped from the tree just as it made a swipe at my back, dropping into a roll before taking off again. I vaulted over a boulder in my way, the cougar following barely a second after. I slid under a tree-root before jumping ten feet across a ravine. I sliced through a few ropes with my spear, causing nets to jerk upwards or pits to open up in the ground, filled with wooden spikes. The cougar darted between every single one, barely slowing down.

 _Shit shit_ _shit_ _shit_ _shit_ _shit_ _shit-_ I thought frantically as I climbed a nearby tree, before leaping off a branch and scaling a five-meter stone cliff. It only took me three seconds to reach the top, heaving my weight over the rim with little effort. I didn't check to see if the cougar'd followed me. That would have shed a few precious seconds I could've spent running. Which I did.

I ran for another ten seconds before I was blindsided by the shaft of a spear, my legs thrown up from under me. I crashed to the ground, my arms splayed out. I let out a groan as I blinked rapidly, fighting off the black spots clouding my vision.

"Damn it, Nidalee." I hissed, propping myself up on my elbows. "Did you really have to clothesline me?"

"Where would the fun be if I didn't, kit?" Nidalee asked as she offered me a hand.

I took it, pulling myself up. "I thought the point of this was to survive." I grumbled.

"It is. But that doesn't mean I can't have fun doing it." She replied, her tone mirthful.

I rolled my eyes. "Why can't I ever chase you?"

"Because you can't turn into a cat, kit."

I let out a sigh. "It'd at least make up for this afternoon if you let me anyways."

"What, don't like our training sessions, kit?" Nidalee teased.

"Why on Runeterra wouldn't I enjoy getting my ass handed to me?"

Nidalee laughed. "I guess it's your favorite hobby by this point, eh, kit? Tell you what, you kill something good today, and I'll let you off the hook."

My eyes lit up with determination. "Them's fightin' words, Nid."

"Better impress me, kit." Nidalee said, before disappearing through the bushes.

* * *

This was gonna be tough.

Nidalee wasn't easily impressed. She'd killed just about every single predator you could imagine. Some animals would turn tail and run just from _looking_ at her. Whatever I killed would probably be something she'd already covered, but it'd have to be an animal I'd find difficult. A hard-earned meal.

I was hunched over on a tree branch as I contemplated this, munching on a pear. A fresh one, this time. Revenge was sweet.

...Sorry. Bad pun.

A chorus of clicks and chitters derailed my train of thought. I finished off the last of my pear and hefted my spear, gripping it firmly in one hand. I silently ran across the branch, hopping over to one across me. I peeked my head out of a curtain of leaves, staring down at the source.

It was Kha'Zix, and surprise surprise, he was bent over another URC. Unidentified Rotting Carcass.

Hey, I thought it was clever. Deal with it.

Kha'Zix had buried his face in his latest kill, slurping at the animals' insides.

I shuddered. _Eww, slurping?_ I thought. _Isn't acid spit supposed to be Kog'Maw's thing?_ Joy. He'd found something with acid spit. What else had he gotten? Razor-sharp wings? Flesh-eating death gaze? Believe it or not, that exists. There was this one time where a god with that power had asked me if he could rent a space in my pad. Naturally, I said no. I drew the line at Karthus' god-awful death screech. Luckily, being the lead singer of Pentakill kept him in check during concerts.

 _Alright, Kha'Zix._ I thought, bracing myself to spring. _Round two, bitch._

Had there even been a round one?

No, not really.

Was I in over my head?

Oh, yeah.

* * *

 _ **And that concludes this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter, Helios is gonna tango with Kha'Zix. And slightly regret it. But with the temptation of a non-kicked ass, he's willing to risk it. Why did I decide to make Helios a hunter? Well, he's gotta learn how to fight somewhere. Will his abilities with fire expand to include other stuff? Yeah. But it's not like he can just sit around until they do. Also, while I've got a general plot figured out, there are a few blank spaces. Are there any champions that you'd like to see interact with Helios in this story? I'm looking for ones that'd fit with his character. The ones that could qualify as near-deities, that would know Helios to some extent. Aatrox, Anivia, Kalista, etc. Let me know in the comments! Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	4. I'm Already Losing Body Parts

**_And la di da, I'm back with a new chapter. As I mentioned earlier, this chapter will have Helios taking on Kha'Zix for not-really round two. I dunno how long this story's gonna be, but it'll probably be a decent length. So far I've been getting a lot of support on this story (big shoutout to HoneyBadgerDCFF for your amazing review. Maybe we could collaborate on a Helios and Persephone friendship story sometime). NOW WHO'S READY TO DO THIS!? I KNOW I AM!_**

* * *

Had I been there with my past self, would I have stopped me? Nope.

For one thing, Zilean wouldn't be happy. It's common sense at this point not to screw around with the timestream. And while it is _incredibly_ tempting to erase Selene from history, sometimes you've gotta put aside your selfish desires for the good of the world. At least, that's what Master Yi told me when I complained about it, albeit with Zen-Mode activated. You can't argue shit with a guy who's in Zen-Mode. Either he's right, or his teachings are so confusing you can't figure out a counter-argument.

The other reason is that the whole thing didn't go nearly as badly as you'd think. I mean, I'm here narrating, aren't I? Everything turned out fine. Eventually. I'm not saying I regretted tangoing with Kha'Zix. It was a stupid idea. Massively stupid. I didn't even know how to tango at the time. I remedied that later with lessons from Twisted Fate, but more on that later. Much later.

But as stupid as it was, it was too good of a chance to pass up. I could barely stand up after one of Nidalee's training sessions. It didn't matter how good I got; all I ever did was drag out the fight. I could hold my own for about fifteen minutes against her. The first time I hadn't lasted five seconds. She was that good. You don't mess with Nidalee outside of the Rift. I've seen plenty of champions make that mistake. It never ended well. It was pretty fun to watch if you weren't on the receiving end. If I'd known the League was this much fun (stupid wards), I would've made myself a mortal body and saved Selene the trouble of doing it for me.

 _Okay._ I thought. _Here we go._

 _Three._

My grip tightened around my spear.

 _Two._

My eyes narrowed.

 _One._

I bent my knees further.

 _Banzai!_

I leapt from my hiding spot among the trees, spear pointed downward. This was it. Time to show Kha'Zix who the new alpha was. I ran away the first time, but now it was time to get even.

Kha'Zix jerked his head up from his meal as my shadow fell across him, before throwing himself to the side at the last moment. My spear impaled itself in whatever he'd been eating. I pulled the point from the corpse, the tip already bloodstained.

"Well, _this_ certainly is a surprisssse." Kha'Zix said as I turned to face him. "I thought you'd have been eaten by now."

I shrugged, both hands on my spear. "What can I say? I'm full of surprises."

"And you coming to me would indicate ssssuch." Kha'Zix replied, chittering. "My prey, coming to _me_ _?_ " He laughed. "That _is_ new."

"Huh? _Oh,_ I see!" I exclaimed, feigning surprise. "You think _you're_ gonna kill _me._ Funny."

"You think yourself the predator." Kha'Zix concluded, brandishing his claws. "Pray that I do not attain your foolishness after I have consumed you."

"Hmm, you may have a point. Rengar wouldn't be happy if he got cheated out of a challenge, would he?" Was I having a casual conversation with Kha'Zix? Yep. I didn't really see the point in wetting myself. It wouldn't make things easier, for one. And hey, maybe it'd annoy Kha'Zix if I died acting like a jackass. That way I'd at least get some satisfaction out of it. Plus, I'd seen Olaf fight. He practically _begs_ to die fighting. Weirdo. Nothing wrong with living a long life. I've tried getting it into his thick head. One time, when he went on another one of his berserker rages, I told Kindred to just ignore him. Couldn't die no matter how hard he tried. I thought it was hilarious. Still do.

"You are a curious creature, Solari." Kha'Zix mused. "Even near death, you ramble on."

"And even when _you're_ about to die, you still sound like a pervert." I returned. I might've said something else, but for my sake I have to censor some things. Some of you might think that's kinda boring. You might even be right. Depends on your tastes, I guess.

Kha'Zix didn't exactly take well to my insult. Like I said earlier, I can get pretty creative. One second he was standing there, the next he was right on top of me. I fell on my back, using my legs to kick him over me like Nidalee had instructed. Kha'Zix crashed against a tree, but instantly recovered, climbing up the trunk before shooting out a barrage of poisonous spikes. I rolled out of the way, throwing my spear. Kha'Zix jumped, the spear impaling itself in the wood. He hovered in the air for a moment, before diving downwards, claws outstretched. I slid under him, pulling my spear out of the tree before twisting around to parry one of his claws. I blocked a few of his strikes before returning with a thrusts and swipes of my own, before jamming the butt of my spear into his chest. I slammed the shaft into it twice, before sweeping out one of my legs, catching him off balance. He landed on his back, then sprung upwards, aiming for my neck.

It went on like that for a while. Sometimes I'd scale up a tree, only to twist around and plunge with my spear. Others I flipped over him and went for his hamstrings. I even got close to punch him in the face. I'm not gonna lie, I felt like a badass. I was a bit drunk on adrenaline, too. I wasn't the only one. Kha'Zix had more than his fair share of tricks to contribute. The poison spikes were a personal favorite of his. He'd also randomly break off from the fight and dive into the bushes, before ambushing me from another angle. We must've gone on for about ten minutes. It was only a matter of time before one of us made a mistake.

Guess who the lucky guy was.

I ended up swinging at Kha'Zix's head with the shaft of my spear. I was kinda hoping to bruise an eye or give him a concussion. At least, that's what I think I was hoping. Like I said, I was high on adrenaline. Not much thinking, just doing. I'm sure you've seen a lot of movies where that's a good thing; your instincts just take over and you become unstoppable.

That is in no way true.

Kha'Zix ended up catching the shaft in his mouth, the wood sizzling from his newly-acquired acid spit. He wrenched his head back, ripping the spear out of my hands and tossing it away into the jungle.

"No more gamesssss." Kha'Zix snarled. Have you ever heard a Voidborn snarl? It's hard to describe. Imagine a growl like a lion's, only ten of them are doing it at once, and each growl is in a different tone, kinda like Cho'Gath. "I hunger for change." He kicked me in the gut, before slashing with one of his claws at my face.

I still don't remember what happened a few seconds after. All I remember is a bright flash of light, then jagged bursts of pain arcing through my left eye. I don't recall falling, only that I was curled up on the ground with one hand on my eye. My ears were ringing like crazy; it sounded like a high pitched whine was blaring in my head, muffling the sound of my surroundings. Everything was blurry, and I couldn't see much of anything. In fact, when I lowered my hand, I couldn't see through my left eye at all. What I _could_ see was that my hand was covered with blood, and Kha'Zix had planted his face in the dirt, chewing on an equally-red object I couldn't identify. I squinted my right eye through the pain, barely able to glimpse a flash of white before it disappeared down Kha'Zix's throat.

I instantly went rigid, feeling numb. I began to shake, panic slowly washing over me. I looked down at the red on my hand, my right eye - my _remaining_ eye widening in mortification.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was now a cyclops.

I prayed to every god I could think of that I was imagining things, pulling in every little favor I'd ever earned that I was hallucinating. You might not be thinking it was such a big deal. _Dude, you've still got one eye._ _It definitely looks like it hurt, but you can still see._ I wouldn't be surprised if that was your reaction. But the thing is, losing an eye not only hurts, but it's extremely impractical. Have you ever tried closing one eye to see what it felt like? It's not really black, but just an empty space the color of whatever shade the lighting was at the time. It's a total blindspot. Any attacks from my left side I'd never see coming. Plus it felt like someone had pressed a burning hot iron to my socket. I could see why people didn't like getting burned, if that's what it felt like.

My fears were confirmed when Kha'Zix finished eating, blood pooling on the ground from his mouth. Seriously, had the guy never heard of napkins?

"That was..." Kha'Zix shuddered with delight. "Indescribable. You have an... _exquisite_ taste. And from just one eye." I hissed yet another string of colorful words as I writhed.

"I wonder what the _rest_ of you might have to offer..." Kha'Zix said, his mouth foaming and coating his fangs with saliva. What the hell went on in the League? Did they even bother to teach people manners? If they did, why didn't they include Voidborn? I'd say that was discrimination, but they're Voidborn. It's impossible to be a racist to Voidborn. Everything nasty that people said about them was true.

"Let's find out, shall we?" Kha'Zix crept forward, claws raised.

 _Why the hell did I have to be so stupid? Idiot._ I chastised myself. _There's a reason why Rengar dedicates his time to hunting him._

This was all Selene's fault.

I just _had_ to get a moon.

I couldn't have just gotten a dwarf star as a neighbor, could I?

As soon as things were finally turning up for me, I lost an eye. The irony failed to escape me.

As I lay there with Kha'Zix about to eat me, I made up my mind.

I was _definitely_ going to kill her the next time I saw her.

Just like it had a month ago, my anger provided me with adrenaline. And instinct.

I thrust out my right hand and unleashed a torrent of fire directly at Kha'Zix. He was a split-second too late as he tried to duck, the roaring flames enveloping his back. He screeched in pain, the delicate membrane of his wings burned to cinders. That was incredibly satisfying to hear.

At least, before I realized that I dun goofed.

Since Kha'Zix had avoided most of my fire, guess what lit on fire instead? Kumungu.

Yyyyyyeeaahh, not one of my proudest moments.

The flames had already spread to the point where they completely surrounded me, the trees resembling torches as they blazed. This was _definitely_ bad. While Kumungu was harsh, it was still Nidalee's home, and she wouldn't appreciate me burning it down.

Kha'Zix scrambled toward the bushes, hoping to escape, but a sudden explosion from the trees knocked him back. There were certain kinds of plants in the jungle that emitted flammable gases, and if more than one was set off, it could decimate a whole square mile. I raised my remaining arm to shield myself instinctively, the other (still) clutched around my empty socket.

That was when the weird part happened. I heard a weird sucking sound, like flames being drawn into a vacuum cleaner. I uncovered my face from my arm. What I found was the fire being sucked into the palm of my hand, disappearing into the skin. It kinda tickled, now that I think about it. The fire was coming in streams, each one from a separate section of the burning jungle. It came in for about five seconds before the last of it vanished into my palm. The fire had completely stopped, leaving a smoking brush behind.

"Huh." I said, bemused. "I started a fire, then stopped it, in less than a minute. That's new." The other neat little tidbit was that my eye-socket didn't hurt as much anymore. It still stung a little, but the pain had dulled to the point where I could tolerate it.

A shrill hiss woke me from my stupor. Ah, right. Kha'Zix. I'd just forgotten that I roasted his wings. He probably wasn't happy about that.

For once, there were no words. I'd pissed him off to the point where he could only get out a strangled snarl, panting as blood and saliva mixed in between his fangs. I really needed to get him some napkins. At least he could be sanitary while he killed me.

He took about three steps forward before a white blur tackled him and sent him sprawling to the ground. The two were a frenzy of fangs and steel before Kha'Zix peeled away from his attacker and darted off into the jungle, blood dripping from the area around his wings.

I let out a sigh of relief, but sucked it back in again.

"Rengar. Nice to finally meet you in the flesh." I said nervously.

"That was my prey." Rengar growled in reply. "Kha'Zix has grown weak. He is no longer suitable for my tastes."

"Eh, give him a week and he'll be back to normal. As normal as a Voidborn can get, anyways."

"You are the one called Helios." Rengar affirmed. "Nidalee's pupil. You claim to be the sun, yet Leona bears the same title."

"You've been watching me?" I inquired, an eyebrow raised, which was awkward due to the fact that I'd used my wounded eye.

"Many times. You sometimes intrude into my hunting ground." Rengar replied.

I sweat-dropped. "Sorry about that. I wouldn't've done it if I didn't need to. Food is food, after all."

"That may be a problem in the future, considering your recent wound." Rengar pointed at my eye-socket. "A lesson to reflect on."

I grimaced. "It seemed like a good idea, at the time. Nidalee promised she wouldn't make me train with her if I caught something good."

Rengar threw back his head and laughed, the sound echoing throughout Kumungu. "I presume you're referring to her lessons in hand-to-hand combat?"

"Dear gods, did she really need to demonstrate getting mauled by a cougar?" I cracked a weak grin. "But I'll admit, her lessons helped a lot. Especially against Kha'Zix."

"You were bold to target the Voidreaver. Not many would select him as prey."

"Well, it's just like you always say, isn't it Rengar? 'Prey on the weak and you will survive. Prey on the strong-"

"And you will live.' " Rengar finished.

"I don't suppose you'd mind helping me get back to Nidalee's?" I asked. "With this eye gone I'm gonna have trouble on my own."

Rengar shook his head. "That is asking too much of me, young hunter. I respect Nidalee's skills, but we are not on friendly terms. You will have to rely on your own abilities to return to your den." And with that, he dashed off into the jungle, most likely after Kha'Zix. He couldn't have at least said goodbye? Not even a 'farewell' like Kindred? Rude.

Now, how to get back home...

* * *

Very painfully, to answer my earlier question.

It took me half an hour just to get back home. I didn't need to clutch my eye; I moved through the jungle using both hands as I'd always done. I had also retrieved my spear from the fight with Kha'Zix. It hadn't been burned too badly; the wood had been softened from where Kha'Zix bit down on it. I could probably whittle it into a handgrip given an hour.

The real trouble was my depth perception. It'd been thrown way off, and I kept guessing my leap distances incorrectly. This often led to me plummeting to the floor. Sometimes from ten feet up. Stupid Rengar.

I was in a pretty foul mood when I _finally_ got back to Nidalee's hut. I'd be having an especially long rant at Selene tonight. I climbed up the rope-ladder that led to her hut, wedged up in a gigantic tree (I think I forgot to mention that. Whoops). I was already muttering an incessant string of curses as I climbed, my feet slipping occasionally on the boards.

I heaved myself over the top, panting as I lay on the platform around her hut. Normally I wouldn't be so tired, but falling twenty-three times from around seven feet high on average is enough to leave you winded. My socket still stung. Kha'Zix was officially on my hit-list from now on. To hell with Rengar and his stupid hunt. Things just got personal.

I went to open the flap on the door. I hesitated, my fingers just brushing the edge. How was I going to explain this to Nidalee? Well, I mean, I _knew_ what I was going to say, I just didn't know how to say it. Taking a deep breath, I pushed the flap up, covering my eye with one hand. Nidalee was spread out on the couch, lazily sharpening her spear with a flint.

"Finally back, kit?" She questioned, not even bothering to look at me.

"Yeah." I replied simply.

"What'd you get? It'd better be good. Unless you want another round of training."

"I, uh...I didn't catch anything, actually." I said, dropping my spear next to the door.

"Really? Nothing?" Nidalee tsked disapprovingly. "Then I guess you know what that means, kit."

"That might not be happening either, Nid."

"Oh, really? And why's that?"

"Take a look for yourself." I moved to a chair opposite the couch, plopping myself down. Nidalee glanced up. Her expression froze at the sight of me. My clothes were ripped up, and my hair was disheveled and messy. I was caked with dirt in some areas, not to mention my covered eye.

"Gods, kit, what the hell happened?" Nidalee abruptly sat up, setting her spear down as she moved over to where I was sitting.

"I may or may not have gotten in over my head." I said innocently.

"No kidding." Her hand moved to the one covering my eye. "What happened here?"

"Nothing good." I replied.

Nidalee sighed. "How bad is it?"

I grimaced. "It's pretty bad."

"A little scar never hurt anyone, kit."

"It's not exactly _little._ "

"Show me."

"You won't like it."

"No excuses kit, show me!"

I sighed in defeat. "Alright. But I mean it when I say it's bad." Slowly, I moved my hand away.

Nidalee gasped, a hand clasped over her mouth. " _Gods._ " She whispered. "How did this happen?"

"I decided that Kha'Zix would be a good target."

"Idiot!" Nidalee exclaimed, although her tone was laced with anxiety. "Do you know how dangerous that was? You could've gotten killed!"

"No duh. It could've been worse, really. It doesn't hurt that much anymore. Hey, maybe I can get Katarina and Rengar together. Start a club. And isn't this more of an occupational hazard anyways?"

"Shut up!" Nidalee barked. I fell silent. "This is different! You could've _actually_ died!"

"Nah. I actually got pretty mad after he ate my eye."

"You mean-"

"Yep."

"What happened?"

"I shot out a stream instead of a fireball. Got the asshole's wings. Nearly burned down Kumungu too."

"You did _what?!_ "

"I said _nearly._ It turns out I can absorb fire. I think it healed me a little. My eye stopped hurting, though I don't know if I got any cuts. I wasn't paying attention."

"Rengar won't be happy that his prey's become weak, kit."

"Yeah, he wasn't, judging from his expression."

" _You met Rengar?!_ " Nidalee shrieked. I winced. She was really taking the overprotective mom shtick to the max here.

"Not for very long. We talked, he didn't kill me, and he left. That's about it."

Nidalee opened her mouth to speak, but then deflated. "Just...I'm glad you're okay, kit." She stood up. "I'll go get something to cover your eye. Take it easy for a few days. We'll figure out what to do later. I don't want you exerting yourself any more than you need to."

"Gee, thanks mom." I drawled with a lopsided grin. "Nice to see you care."

Nidalee stiffened at my choice of words, before scowling and shaking her head. "Why I put up with you, kit..."

I had the nerve to laugh as she walked away.

* * *

The upside to my predicament was that I got a scar.

The downside to that upside was that it was a nasty scar.

It wasn't a thin slit, like Katarina's. I used to think she looked tough, back when I was a star. Scars were an indication of a survivor. If that person could survive whatever incident their scars indicated, they were someone you didn't want to mess with.

Of course, nobody ever talks about the _serious_ scars. Like the chemical burns underneath Riven's bandages. How do I know that? Again, when I was a star I could see anything my light touched. Riven would sometimes redo the bandages on her arms when no one save me was watching. Did that make me a peeping tom? Depends on your perspective. I didn't have hormones back then, so I never really understood the point of looking. I mean, I knew why people did it, but I didn't understand _why._

And don't even get me _started_ on Urgot. That guy is _also_ on my hit-list. When you have spider legs, robot hands, and tubes popping out of you, then you know you should be dead. Or at least he could wear a shirt. It doesn't exactly help that he was such a fat slob when he had all of his limbs.

As for my eye, it wasn't pretty. I had a slit, but it was a diagonal line instead of vertical. It was jagged and went deeper into the skin in some places, due to Kha'Zix's serrated claws. My eye also had smaller cuts around the rim of the socket, all of them messy. And the socket? I almost threw up when I looked at my reflection in the hot springs as I cleaned up. My eyelid was virtually non-existent, torn to shreds. Which meant it was pretty easy to see inside my socket. It was gross, let's just leave it at that. It had only been a month and I'd already lost an eye. Why couldn't I have nice things?

My eye probably looked worse when the wound was fresh. Somehow I'd stopped the bleeding by absorbing that fire. I'd never even heard of that ability before. What other things could I do? Laser vision? Making things explode my shouting "Maciuh?" Sadly these questions would have to wait. I needed to recover first.

It took five days, with Nidalee giving me a simple leather strip of fabric to cover my eye. It was nothing fancy, but it would do. I spent the next week afterwards adjusting to my disability. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, surprisingly. I just had to turn my head to the left a lot more. It was annoying, but at least I'd survive.

Me and Nidalee had also agreed on when I'd leave Kumungu. I couldn't stay forever, and I'd already learned as much as Nidalee could teach me. That and Kha'Zix would probably be after my head twenty-four seven soon. I'd leave in three days, taking a route through the Shuriman Desert. From there it'd be straight through Mogron Pass to Mount Targon, where the Solari would be waiting. Hopefully they'd be able to help me return to my body. I had some vaporizing to do. I'd let that thought motivate me from that point on.

Look out world, here comes Helios.

* * *

 ** _Holy shit, Helios is a Conduit! Sorta. You probably weren't expecting him to lose an eye, right? I have my reasons for that. I said in the summary his life was going to suck. Now you know how much. In the next chapter, Helios'll be heading out to Shurima, and meet a few friendly and not-so-friendly faces along the way. Once again, thanks so much for your support on this story, it's awesome that so many people already like it. As I mentioned last chapter, who do you want to see Helios interact with? And also, remember when I mentioned in chapter one that he had a descendant? Think you can guess who it is? Until next time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	5. Memey Helios: Reference Road

**_Surprise, surprise, I'm back with a new chapter. This will also be the last chapter before I get back to work on my other stories. That means this story will probably be updated less frequently, but I think I've got a pattern figured out. I think I'll update my other two stories first, then start my pattern: I'll write one chapter for one of my other stories, then one chapter for this one, and et cetera. That way I can keep you guys occupied. This chapter will see Helios departing for Shurima, and his first few days out in the desert. NOW LET'S DO THIS THING!_**

* * *

It was time.

It'd been three days since I'd gotten used to having one eye. Today was the day that I was going to leave for Mount Targon.

Was I nervous? Yeah. Part of me was actually going to miss Kumungu. While the first part of my life there had been shit, with Nidalee's help, things had been going pretty smoothly until that run-in with Kha'Zix. I had no idea if that meant my life was going to suck again, but hopefully it wouldn't. Did I effectively jinx it? Maybe.

It was about nine in the morning, and Nidalee had already set out to get some last-minute hunting in before I left. I was just waking up, and fixing myself some eggs for breakfast (thank gods there were birds like that in Kumungu). I also had some bacon. Oh gods, _bacon!_ Man, I'd really been missing out when I was a star! I was beginning to wonder why I even wanted to go back in the first place. My body seemed to be doing pretty well on its own, so what was the point? Of course, Selene had some explaining to do, so I'd have to do it even if it wasn't a stellar idea at the moment.

Whoops, bad star pun. Sorry. I'd spend more time coming up with smarter jokes, but that'd take up too much time and I doubt you want to read me trying to figure it out.

After I had finished up with my food, I put on my boots and slung my spear over my shoulder. I was supposed to meet Nidalee at the edge of the jungle, just where the desert began so she could give me a proper sendoff. The trip would've taken days when I first go here, now it'd only take an hour. It was easier to travel through the trees than it was to go on foot, it turns out. The ground was uneven most of the time, and you could get lost if you weren't careful.

I was just making my way out the door before I came face-to-faces with Kindred, Lamb sitting sideways on Wolf's back from his curled up position, next to the railing on the platform surrounding Nidalee's hut.

"Oh! Hey guys, what's up?" I asked, blinking a few times in surprise.

"We merely want to wish you a safe journey through the desert, Lord Helios." Lamb replied.

"Oh, right, you won't be coming with me." Lamb and Wolf don't visit Shurima all that much. You're probably thinking: _Why not? It's a desert. Stuff dies a lot there. Wouldn't Wolf consider it a buffet?_ Not really, no. Sure, there isn't a whole lot of life in Shurima, but that means there isn't a whole lot of death, either. It's kind of a dead zone, but, y'know, minus the dead. Dear gods, I've _got_ to lay off these puns. They'll be the death of me.

 _Goddammit,_ I did it again!

"We wish we could, my Lord, but Wolf does not enjoy being within Shurima's borders." Lamb said.

"There is little death! No things to chase!" Wolf growled.

"I get it; you've gotta do your job, and there's no sense in going someplace where you can't do it." I narrowed my eye thoughtfully. "You know, I should get you guys a few days off every week. You don't really have free time, and people are going to die whether you chase them or not."

"That won't be necessary, my Lord." Lamb quickly replied, nervous. "We are perfectly comfortable with working...how do you say it? Twenty-four seven."

"Don't be stupid." I waved a hand dismissively. "You guys deserve a break. Even Nagakabouros doesn't work as often as you two. You know what? Today's the weekend. Take a break today and tomorrow. _Relax._ Everybody should do it once in a while."

"You...you would really allow us this, Lord?" Lamb questioned, her tone half-nervous (she did that a lot around me), half-astonished.

I shrugged. "Sure. I've technically been doing nothing since I finished making Runeterra, I don't see why you shouldn't get to slack off too."

"But, what about the chase, my Lord? Who will I hunt?" Wolf whined (literally).

I rolled my eyes with a grin. "How about you act like an _actual_ wolf for once? You know, hunt a few live animals. Show that you're top of the local food chain."

"Hunt...live prey?" Wolf repeated, dumbfounded.

"If you only do it on your breaks, absolutely."

"I...I-" Lamb trailed off. Then her eyes began watering behind her mask-slash-face, to my surprise. I'd never seen Lamb cry before. I suppose that's because it would ruin the whole Inevitable Death shtick if she looked vulnerable.

What she did next surprised me even more. She leaped off Wolf's back and wrapped her arms around my neck in a tight hug.

"Th-Thank you, my Lord!" She cried. She immediately detached from me once she realized what she was doing.

"A-Apologies, Lord Helios, I did not mean to lose myself." She stammered.

"What? I don't have an issue with the occasional hug. If you're happy, you're happy. Nothing else to it." I smiled. "Besides, I'd rather be considered your friend than your superior. Just call me Helios from now on."

"Very well then, Lor- I mean, Helios." Lamb recovered. "We would be very grateful to have the honor of being your friend."

I smiled. "Glad we could finally get on the same page. I gotta go, guys. See you later."

"Farewell, friend Helios." Wolf replied as I jumped down the tree.

Eh, close enough.

* * *

An hour later, I made it to the edge of Kumungu.

It's a pretty weird sight to see. The jungle just abruptly ends, and there's nothing but sand as far as the eye can see beyond that point.

Nidalee was waiting for me, sitting on a low-hanging branch with her shins intertwined. She had a leather sack slung around her shoulder, plus a collection of furs draped over the branch. Weird. Dunno why she'd bring those here.

"So..." Nidalee said, dropping down from her position. "This is it, huh, kit?"

"Yep." I pointed to the sack and furs. "What're those for?"

Nidalee held out the sack, indicating for me to take it. "I filled it with dry rations, enough to last you a week and a half. I, um...didn't add any water. Not that you'll need it."

"And the furs?"

She held it out, and I realized it was actually a cloak. She'd stitched it together from various skins, and it looked very well-made. It even had a hood, with fabric covering half of the hood's opening where the head would stick out.

"I made this for you. Shurima gets cold at night, and since sandstorms are pretty common, I added a cover for your mouth."

I shuddered. "Don't remind me." Shuriman sandstorms were one of the most vicious types of weather in Valoran. They had tornadoes made of sand, and if you were really unlucky, sometimes shot lightning (AN: think Mad Max: Fury Road).

"Really nice thought of you." I smiled, taking it. I slung the sack over my shoulder before putting the cloak on, resting the butt my spear on the ground. "I appreciate all you've done for me, Nid. I'd probably be dead right now if you didn't find me."

"And don't you forget it, kit." Nidalee replied. She stuck out a hand. "It's too bad you can't stay. It's been fun having you around."

"Only because you like beating me up."

"Guilty."

I looked at the hand, before shooting Nidalee an amused deadpan. "That's it?"

"I don't do hugs, kit."

I opened my arms. "Come on, get over here."

"I'd rather not."

"Please?"

"No."

"It'd make me feel a lot more comfortable if you did."

"Too bad."

I sighed. "Fine." I moved to shake her hand, grabbing it. I suddenly pulled her into a fierce hug.

"Kit! I thought I told you-"

"Shut up. Just enjoy the moment." I whispered. "I'll miss you."

Nidalee tensed, as if she was going to protest, but deflated and reluctantly returned the gesture.

"I'll miss you too, kit." She replied, her chin resting on my shoulder (we were about the same height).

"Getting soft, Mama Cat?" I teased. "What happened to the lady who said she enjoyed using me as a punching bag earlier?"

"Shut up, kit." Nidalee snapped back, before I heard sniffling.

"Are you...crying?" I asked.

"No! I've just..." Nidalee paused. "I've just got something in my eye."

I gave a skeptical smirk. "Are you _really_ using that old excuse? I could _literally_ tell you how many times I've heard that, and it's a big number, let me tell you."

She huffed. "Fine, I'm crying. Happy?"

"A little. It means you care, for one thing. It's also the second time I've seen someone cry today. Lamb hugged me when I said she and Wolf could have the weekend off."

"Damn, kit. How the hell do you do this to people?"

"I'm a lovable idiot."

"At least you got the 'idiot' part right."

I chuckled. "We could probably spend all day bantering, but I really need to go. Selene's not gonna vaporize herself."

Nidalee sighed before pulling away. "Take care of yourself, kit. I'd hate for my lessons to have been wasted."

"They won't have been, I promise."

"Will I ever see you again?" She asked.

"Oh, probably." I replied. "The League of Legends starts up in two months, and I'll get to Mount Targon about one month from now if I hurry. Who knows? I might apply to be a champion, depending on my future agenda."

"Alright." Nidalee punched my arm. "See you, kit."

"Yeah. See you." And with that, I turned away and walked out into the sand, giving her one last wave, which she returned, before returning my gaze to the desert landscape.

It was time for the world to meet its maker.

...I thought it was funny.

* * *

It was actually a pretty nice day for me.

While my body had driven most people insane in the desert, my immunity to heat made things rather pleasant. It was almost like a day at the beach. Just add some seagulls (I regret making those sky-rats, I really do), a few spaces for volleyball, and the actual sea, and voilà! I'd have to see if I couldn't convince Azir to get a beach installed. Add a few water-parks. That way he could rebuild Shurima on commerce. Oooh, that got me thinking. I should probably go looking for Azir. Maybe he could help me. Plus, he was an old friend. After two hours of walking in the desert I was becoming anxious for some casual conversation.

How did I know Azir? Now that would be telling. Ooooh, _suspense!_ Exciting, isn't it?

No?

Why can't I have any fun writing this? Honestly, it was hard enough writing about my eye.

Anyways, it'd been another half hour, and nothing had changed. Just sand and more sand, as far as the eye could see. I reached into my sack and pulled out a few strips of jerky, munching on them absent-mindedly.

I began chewing slower, before I stopped eating completely, bits of jerky falling out of my mouth as I witnessed the event occurring on the horizon.

Sandstorm. _Shit._ And it was a big one, too. It was a wall of dirty brown clouds, stretching to both edges of the horizon. It was a long way away from where I was standing, and moving slowly, but I'd have to go that way to get to Mount Targon.

I gritted my teeth. _Fine. Hell wants to have a go?_ I thought. _Let's go._

I pulled up the hood of my cloak, covering my mouth with the fabric attached. You could only see my one eye poking out, glaring defiantly at the approaching storm.

"BRING IT, BITCH!" I screamed at the wall of sand. Why I did it, I have no idea. For once, I wasn't shouting at Selene. I guess I was just psyching myself up. I had to go through the sandstorm to cross through Mogron Pass, and I wasn't about to take the long way around.

I ran in a full sprint towards the storm, screaming at the top of my lungs. Might as well get this over with, right?

I felt a little awkward doing so, as it took me five minutes just to get halfway. Maybe I should've waited until I was close to shout my defiance. Oh, well, the moment's passed. No point in doing it a second time.

I began to realize how big the sandstorm was as I approached. It was _huge,_ at least twenty times my size. I was pretty tall, too, so that's saying something. It really did look like a thunderstorm, clouds of sand billowing fiercely above me. Oh, and there was lightning. I jinxed it after all.

"So, what?" I narrowed my eye in contemplation as my neck craned upwards. "I get a few weeks of decent luck, then my life goes to shit again?" I grumbled. "At least there's a pattern."

I walked halfheartedly towards the storm, bracing myself for the coming onslaught.

Boy, was I unprepared.

* * *

I was regretting my decision immensely. I'll bet you can figure out why.

The first thing that happened was the wall of sand hitting me. And I mean a _wall._ It certainly felt like it. I was almost thrown off my feet, and had to dig my heels into the sand so I wouldn't fall over.

Then came the wind. It was chock-full of sand (duh) and whipped around me, stinging my exposed eye. I had to shield it with my arm, which meant I could barely see where I was going.

I trudged through that storm with slow, careful steps, it taking me almost a full minute to take five steps. My cloak was flapping wildly in the wind, almost thrown my shoulders. I gripped it with my free arm.

 _What a day._ I thought bitterly. _**What a lovely day**. _

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I smelled something burning. Looking up I noticed my cloak had started to smolder. My hair had spontaneously combusted from my anger again. I quickly took a deep breath, relaxing my thoughts through the sand. My hair doused itself, returning to golden orange mixed with blonde. Great. I'd have to keep calm, otherwise I'd burn my cloak to cinders. Nidalee put a lot of work into that thing, and it'd be a shame if all that work went to waste.

I yelped as a bolt of lighting struck the ground not ten feet to my right, jumping sideways. I was wondering when that would happen. Too bad I wasn't expecting it to happen right next to me. The lightning bolt left behind a charred crater made of glass. It was actually kind of pretty. Shame I was too busy focusing on staying alive. Would lightning even hurt me? I mean, it was hot, so maybe not? Although, if the heat didn't kill me, the overload of electricity would. I decided not to test my theory. It had a few design flaws.

Another bolt struck just behind me, causing me to leap upwards in surprise. I fell face-first in the sand. I didn't have to swallow any, thanks to the fabric covering my mouth. I got on my hands and knees.

And looked up straight into the eyeless face of a Xer'Sai.

It was a small one, probably a scouting unit. It was foaming at its pincered mouth (great, this guy needed napkins too), and crouching in a defensive position. Had it gotten lost and ended up here? Didn't matter, as it was still going to kill me. Either that or it'd drag me below the sand as a tribute to Rek'Sai.

"Soooo..." I began. _What the hell am I doing?_ I thought. "I don't suppose you have a map on you?"

The Xer'Sai snarled, raising a claw. I rolled to the right just before it was brought down, ignoring the fact that I was caked in sand as I drew my spear.

"Look, I'd really prefer to do this someplace else." I said. "In case you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a _goddamn_ sandstorm. With tornadoes. And lightning."

Unfortunately, Xer'Sai have considerably less brainpower than their queen. They're dumber than a bag of rocks without her ordering them around. Which meant that either this guy was the class nerd, or Rek'Sai was hungry.

It lunged (I still have no idea what gender it was), snapping its jaws. I dodged again, jabbing my spear at one of its legs, drawing blood. It let out a piercing shriek (they sound like banshees when they do that. It's not a nice sound to hear), swiping behind it, narrowly missing my face.

"Alright, have it your way." I shrugged, nervously glancing at the raging storm around me. "If you really wanna do this now, fine." The Xer'Sai leaped forward, jaws wide open. Apparently it decided eating my face was a good idea.

I decided to disprove that theory.

I fell onto my back, holding my spear upwards as the Xer'Sai fell on top of me. It impaled itself on my spear, thrashing wildly for a few seconds before falling limp.

Like I said. Dumber than a bag of rocks.

"Eeewwww." I grimaced. "I'm gonna need a bath after this." Sure, it wasn't the first dead animal I'd touched, but Voidborn were especially gross. Take Kog'Maw for instance. I do _not_ need to know what goes on inside its stomach.

A few dozen snarls made my head jerk up as I threw the Xer'Sai off of me. I sweat-dropped at the sight of at least twenty-seven Xer'Sai, and they didn't look happy.

"Uh...hey...guys." I said weakly. "What's up?"

Again, several dozen snarls in reply.

"This isn't what it looks like, I swear." I said. "Your buddy here tripped and just happened to fall on my spear. It happens to a lot of people-er, Voidborn."

 _"They're not buying it"._ A small part of my conscious noted. Strangely, it sounded like somebody in his thirties. Almost like a college professor.

 _Gee, no shit, Sherlock._ I retorted. _Any ideas?_

 _"Talking's obviously not gonna work. How about you put Nidalee's lessons to use?"_ My conscious replied.

 _Not a bad idea, except I don't recall her teaching me how to fight a swarm of Xer'Sai._

 _"They're dumber than a bag of rocks without Rek'Sai, it won't be too hard."_

 _Ok, first of all, they still know how to use their claws and fangs, and are probably acting on Rek'Sai's orders. Secondly, who are you, and why are you inside my head? I don't recall booking a room for two._

 _"I'm the more rational half of your mind. The analytical half."_

 _And as for why I'm talking to you? I'm not crazy, am I?_

 _"Well, you **have** been through a lot lately. You've been kicked out of your body, eaten a rotten pear, lost an eye, almost died forty-three times, and now stuck in a sandstorm with a few dozen Xer'Sai. This was pretty much the tipping point. But as far as I can tell, you're not crazy. At least, not in a bad way."_

 _Joy. I'm the first star with DID._

 _"You don't have Dissociative Identity Disorder. That's when you switch personalities and forget what happened afterwards. Frankly, I'm not sure what this is. And hasn't anybody ever told you that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit?"_

 _They also say that ignorance is bliss._

 _"True, but you don't seem very happy."_

 _I'll get there when I'm out of this GODDAMN STORM!_

 _"Language."_

 _Since when do I say 'Language?'_

 _"I'm also the part of you that feels parental obligations."_

 _I don't have - oh, right. **That.** Makes sense now. _

_"It's just like I said. I'm your rational half."  
_

 _So, about me dealing with the Xer'Sai..._

 _"Don't worry about that. You already cut their numbers down by half."_

 _What do you mean I-_ I suddenly realized my position had changed. I was currently standing in the center of the swarm, with my hands wreathed in flames. The area was littered with Xer'Sai corpses, all of them charred and smoldering, some of them with chunks of glass sticking out.

 _When did I do **that?**_ _And why do some of them have glass jutting out of their bodies?_ I asked Rational-Me (this was going to take some getting used to).

 _"Our body kind of went on autopilot while we talked. You were already set on killing as many of them as you could, so our body just acted on that impulse. It used that new flame-jet ability we acquired. As for the second question, fire plus sand equals glass. There's plenty of sand, and some of it got on the Xer'Sai while our body roasted them."_

 _Oh, so it's **our** body now?_

 _"Well, I **am** in your head. What, don't like sharing?"_

 _No, I'm just getting used to the fact that I've been semi-insane for the past two minutes. Otherwise, everything's just dandy!_

 _"Again with the sarcasm?"_

 _Hey, you've had billions of years to get accustomed to it. If you don't like it, then you can leave. It'd be less of a headache for me, anyways._

 _"I can't. I don't have legs. Well, I do, technically, but they aren't mine."_

 _So, I'm just going to have to live with this?_

 _"Pretty much."_

 _Do I get to charge you rent?_

 _"How would that even work?"_

 _Fair point._

 _"Oh, by the way, you've finished off the last of the Xer'Sai. You're good now."_

 _Oh, really?_ I pulled myself back into reality, and sure enough, Rational-Me was right. I'd won. Sweet.

Of course, there was still one more problem I had to deal with.

 _"Tornado."_

 _I see it. I have an eye, you know._

 _"I'm fully aware of that. Just checking. What are you going to do?"_

 _Besides screaming in terror? I have no idea._ The corpses of the Xer'Sai caught my attention right after. Specifically, the ones with glass mixed in. I looked back at the approaching tornado, an idea forming in my head.

 _"No."_ Rational-Me said.

 _What?_

 _"It's a terrible idea."_

 _What if it works?_

 _"What if it gets us killed? Our previous body might explode if we do, remember?"_

 _Can we outrun the tornado?_

"Unfortunately not. But that doesn't mean we have to use your idea. It's crazy."

 _Says the voice running around in my brain._

 _"...Point taken. Screw it, let's do this."_

 _Am I doing it already?_

 _"Let me check...yep. And it's actually working."_

 _Wow. I'm actually turning this thing to glass with fire. Cool._

 _"Agreed. I can't believe we're not dead."_

 _I know, awesome right? How big should I make the hole in the side?_

 _"Enough to fit us through. Just leave a few air-holes when you seal it from the other end."_

 _Done. Now what?_

 _"Sleeping sounds good. We're both pretty tired. We've been walking for hours and are currently stuck inside a glass tornado with a sandstorm outside. It's not like there's much else to do."_

 _Alright. See you when I wake up, Rational-Me._

 _"See you."_

I let darkness consume me.

* * *

The first thing I noticed as I woke up was the hole in the glass tornado.

It was pretty big, about six feet high and ten feet wide. Something appeared to have smashed straight through the wall, jagged cracks around the edges of the hole.

The second thing I noticed was the head barely four feet above mine. It had glowing yellow eyes, and bearing something similar to a poker face.

The figure it belonged to resembled a large turtle, encased in a shell adorned with spikes. It had three claws on each hand, and was wearing a spiked metal harness.

"Uh, hi." I said, the figure making room for me to sit up. "How're you doing, Rammus?"

"Alright." The Armordillo replied.

* * *

 ** _I hope you liked this chapter. It was a bit of a filler, but I hand fun writing it nonetheless. Why did I decide to make Helios's head an apartment for two? Well, why not? It fills in the space needed for conversation, and it's also fun to write. Plus, it kinda makes sense that this would happen to Helios, after everything he's been through so far. I know that I'd go crazy if I was in his position. And as for why I decided to include Rammus, I haven't seen him getting much love on this website, and he happened to be in a position where I could fit him into my story. Will there be shenanigans? A few. Nothing too big, but they're still shenanigans. Until next time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	6. Stoneweavers are Dumb (Except Maybe One)

_**Hey guys and gals, I'm back with a new chapter. As you know, I just introduced Rammus into the story. This chapter will introduce a few others, and once again provide entertainment for you all. A reviewer of mine, SPaladin, pointed something out to me. There are a few lore inaccuracies that I made with my story, such as Kindred's behavior. He (or she) pointed out that Kindred probably wouldn't act as "human" (a.k.a. emotional) in the canon LoL universe as I've made them in this story. Also, they probably wouldn't need a break from their job, considering it's the whole point of their existence. I'm not gonna change how I make my characters, though. My goal is to show the "divine" champions in a light you never would've guessed. Kind of like how Rick Riordan portrays the Greek gods in Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I'm aware that the characters in this story won't be exactly like the canon version, but I'll stay as close to canon as my story's plot will allow. Also, does Rammus have a definite origin, or is it still an enigma? I've actually got an idea in mind for next chapter, and it's hilarious. Just forewarning you, in case I make another mishap. Just roll with it if I do. My main goal for this story is for it to be entertaining. AND ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?! LET'S DO THIS!**_

* * *

I wasn't really surprised to see Rammus pop up out of nowhere. He had a habit of doing that. He could be in a room with you for a whole hour and you'd only notice if he wanted you to. Take the hole in the tornado, for instance. The noise from the impact should've woken me up, but it didn't. It was almost scary, to be honest. I'd pay a decent amount of money to see if the guy could sneak up on Shen. He might as well be a Kinkou ninja. I mean, now that I'm at the Institute as a champion and all, I know that he's actually got a skin for that sorta thing, but still.

"Do you...know who I am?" I asked him.

"Yeah." He replied.

"Seriously?" I raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

"Yeah."

"Prove it." I replied skeptically. Rammus just looked up and pointed a finger at my body, which was almost directly above us. It was probably late in the morning, around, oh...ten forty-five?

"Huh." I grunted, bemused. "I guess you weren't lying."

"Yeah." Rammus said again. He wasn't really one for big words. In all the time that I was a star, I've never heard him string a complete sentence together. Not once. And he's been around a _long_ time, so that was saying something in itself. I guess he preferred to let his actions speak for him. I couldn't blame the guy for it; bowling someone over at eighty-six miles an hour _did_ send a pretty clear message (and yes, that's his top speed. I keep track of this kind of stuff when I have time).

"I've got some food in my bag if you're interested." I offered. "I've got plenty to share, so it won't make a difference if you have a bite or two."

The Armordillo tilted his head to the side, considering my offer. He shrugged. "Ok." He hobbled over to where I was sitting, taking the dry chunk of meat I pulled out of my sack. He finished it in two quick bites, making an audible gulp as he swallowed.

"So..." I took a bite of another piece of meat. "What're you doing all the way out here? I don't suppose you found me on purpose?"

Rammus shook his head. "Nope."

"Okay, so what _were_ you up to, then?" He shrugged in response. I sighed. There were certain drawbacks to Rammus lacking an expansive vocabulary. It was almost impossible to have a casual conversation with him, for one. It wasn't impossible, but there was only so much you could talk about that he could answer.

"Never mind." I said. I leaned back on my elbows, my legs splayed out on the sand. My right eye skimmed over the horizon absent-mindedly as the two of us remained in a comfortable silence. None of us were in a hurry, considering we were both immune to desert heat. Rammus is the kind of guy you can just chill out with. He isn't judgmental, and he's willing to at least listen if you've got something on your mind. I guess that's one good thing about his limited speech.

I quickly sat up as a thought came to my head. "Hey, Rammus."

"Hmm?"

"You wouldn't by any chance know where Azir is at the moment, would you?"

He nodded. "Uh-huh."

I broke into a grin. "Sweet! Could you take me to him? There're some things I need to talk to him about."

He shrugged. "Ok."

"Thanks! Could we go now?" I asked. "I'm in a bit of a hurry."

"Ok." He hobbled over to the hole in the tornado (that was pretty much his only speed besides rolling), gesturing for me to follow. I eagerly obliged.

* * *

Nobody knows Shurima better than Rammus. He practically knows it like the back of his hand. Er, I mean claw. Whatever.

As I was saying, if he wanted to, Rammus could probably draw you a map of the entire desert in less than five minutes. Assuming he can draw, anyways. I wouldn't know; I've never asked. The guy knows some places that even Azir's never seen. I guess an Armordillo doesn't have much else to do besides explore.

We'd been walking for about two hours, occasionally stopping to fetch a snack from my bag. He seemed especially fond of my jerky. We hadn't hit any more sandstorms, which was lucky. I'm not sure if Rational-Me would be able to fix getting zapped by lightning. Speaking of which, I hadn't actually heard from my other mindset since the day before. It was weird, but I wasn't worried about it. It's not like I'd invited him into my head. It'd also be awkward if Rammus caught me talking to myself out loud.

Sometimes I'd whistle a little tune to myself as we went along, to keep myself from getting bored. Rammus oddly seemed to like it. He'd hum the same tune for a little while after I'd finished, sometimes adding a slight variation to it. A musical armadillo. That was new, even for me. I guess you really do learn something new every day, huh?

You're probably wondering why I wanted to talk to Azir. Wasn't I supposed to be heading to Mount Targon? Sure, but that could wait for a bit. I was in a hurry, but I could afford to burn a week or two if I wanted. Besides, I'd never gotten the opportunity to actually talk to Azir face-to-face. We'd only talked once before, a few years ago. Let me explain; you know how Ascendance works, right? With the Sun-Disk and all that?

Putting two and two together now, are you? I'll enlighten you a bit more.

Yeah, I created the Sun-Disk. Or Me-Disk, to be exact. It wasn't all that hard; I just scrounged up a few drops of metal from my core and flung them onto an ordinary stone slab in Shurima, back when it was an amazingly awesome empire. The funny thing is that I only made it out of curiosity. I just wanted to see what someone would look like with an animal head. Gods and stars don't just use their power for significant events, you know. We like to toy with it every once in a while. How else are we supposed to figure out our limits?

Anyways, once you're zapped with Me-Energy and transform into whatever animal suited you the best, you got a little heads-up from me. I basically introduced myself and had a short conversation with you before resuming my other daily activities. *sigh* Yeah, that means ranting at Selene.

I didn't get to chat with Azir until way after Xerath completely wrecked Shurima. Admittedly, I found Azir's Ascendance kind of funny. I mean, Nasus got to be a jackal. Renekton got to be a crocodile. And Azir? He got to be a chicken.

So once the almighty chicken-lord finally assumed his rightful position, the first words of mine that entered his mind were:

"Dude, check it out! You got a chicken head!"

In hindsight that probably wasn't a good idea, but it was just too perfect of an opportunity to miss at the time. I spent half our chat laughing at his fowl predicament.

Oh yes I did. _Oh yes I did._ I don't even care how cheesy that was, totally worth it!

The other half was kind of awkward. Okay, it was really awkward. It's hard to follow up with a decent conversation after mocking someone's chicken head, let me tell you. I think we were both grateful to leave each other alone after that. Nasus and Renekton were pretty surprised to meet me, which was expected. Rammus, however...

*snort* Heh. Heh heh. Heh hah hah!

 _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA**_ _ **HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA!**_

Oooooh, I'm sorry. I lost myself for a second there. I'm sorry, I still crack up when I think of how it went down. I'm not gonna tell you just yet. My past self will talk about it later.

I didn't notice that Rammus had stopped until I bumped into his shell, poking myself on one of his spines. I bit my lip as I jolted backwards, hissing from the pain. Rammus didn't offer an apology. He was focused on something near the edge of the horizon, across the sloping dunes of sand.

"What?" I nudged his side. "What's wrong? Is someone after us?"

He shook his head, pointing in the direction he was facing. I squinted my eye, scanning the horizon for anything to be worried about. I still couldn't see anything. I shook my head in confusion. "I don't know what's gotten you so worked up, but I-" I stopped as I took another look, squinting even harder. Then I saw it. Or rather, _them._

Two dark silhouettes were weaving around each other at least half a mile from where we stood. It appeared to be two people fighting, judging from their bizarre movements. One was curving along in wide, smooth turns, while the other darted about in a zigzag pattern, dancing around the first. I briefly caught a glint of metal from the zigzagging figure, and that's when I made the connection. I rolled my eyes with a groan.

The fight was between none other than Sivir and Taliyah, the Battle Mistress and Stoneweaver. Taliyah was surfing on a wave of solid rock, firing blasts of stone shrapnel at Sivir, who nimbly ducked and dodged before throwing out her gigantic shuriken. At least, that's what her weapon looked like. She called it the Chalicer, but it was basically a shuriken.

 _Ugh._ Stoneweavers. I should've guessed Taliyah would pull something like this again. Her people are notoriously thick-headed. Bit of a cliché? Yep, but you'd be surprised how many of those exist in real life. I'm not saying Stoneweavers aren't smart; it's just that once they get an opinion of something, it's pretty much impossible to make them believe otherwise. Taliyah for example had a serious case of paranoia when it came to Azir. She had this crazy idea that he was some sorta tyrant, hoping to make her people slaves. I guess I couldn't blame her at the time. Shurima had a pretty large amount of slaves back in its glory days. In fact, Azir had only abolished it for less than two minutes before Xerath ganked him.

At one point, her irrational fear was kind of cute. I mean, she wanted to fight a guy who could control the entire _desert?_ Hilarious. Not to mention the fact that he was the _good guy._ Maybe she should think of, I don't know, ATTACKING XERATH INSTEAD. After a while, things just got annoying. I mean, Yasuo tried his best, but Taliyah wouldn't budge. Shame, considering how talented she was.

"Well," I put my hands on my hips, taking in the scene. "What do you think, Rammus? Who should we help?"

He turned to look at me, and I got the impression he was giving me a disbelieving glare, as if to say "Seriously? Do you even need to ask?" It was hard to tell, considering his only available expression was a poker-face.

I put my hands up defensively. "Just checking. Taliyah's annoyingly stubborn, but she's hardly evil." Rammus nodded in response.

"Alright, here's what I'm thinking. I'll go out there and see if I can't cool things down. You dig beneath the sand, and when I call your name, it means you need to barrel into Taliyah as quickly as possible, got it?"

"OK."

"Good, now get going." Rammus did a neat little flip in the air, before diving head-first into the sand.

"Okay," I rubbed my hands together. "Let's see if I can't make things easier for all of us."

As you can probably imagine, not so much.

* * *

I decided to just walk over and make my presence known. I _could've_ gone for something involving fireworks and explosions, but I didn't think that'd make a good first impression.

The fight was still at a stalemate from what I could see, and neither of them were letting up. Sivir appeared to be aware of how stupid the whole thing was.

"Taliyah, do we really have to do this?" She sounded exasperated. "This is pointless. I've got better things to do."

"I won't stop until you begin to understand." Taliyah replied. "I won't allow Azir to make slaves of us again!"

Even I could see Sivir's massive eye-roll from where I was standing. "You're _still_ going on about that? It's getting old, and frankly it's just sad at this point."

"You _must_ see sense, Sivir." Was Taliyah really pleading now? Dear gods, Sivir was right. This was just sad. At this point I'd just ditched the reasoning idea. "He may be your blood, but that doesn't mean you can't still do the right thing. Help me stop him."

"You're asking me to betray my grandfather." Sivir replied. "I can't do that, and I don't even want to. I know what really happened the day Shurima fell, and I also know my grandfather isn't the tyrant you think he is."

"He is clouding your mind with lies. Surely you must see that!"

"No, I really don't. Now for the love of gods, can you _please_ just leave me alone? That gold isn't going to find itself."

"No."

"Fine, have it your way." The two resumed fighting. It got pretty bland after a while. It mostly consisted of Taliyah throwing out shrapnel, while Sivir dodged and threw her shuriken, which Taliyah blocked with a wall of rock. I had a feeling that she was the only one here who wasn't bored. I think I almost fell asleep once or twice.

"Okay, that's it, time out ladies!" I yelled after I finally had enough. Both of them froze, slowly turning their heads over to look at me.

"Uh, hi." I waved. "I'm Helios. I don't suppose you'd mind if you stopped fighting, would you?"

"I wouldn't." Sivir scoffed, before jerking a thumb up at Taliyah. "But _she_ isn't going to stop until I tell her where my grandfather is."

"Stoneweavers." I shook my head in exasperation. "Still stubborn as hell, no matter how smart they are."

"And _what_ exactly is that supposed to mean?" Whoops. I'd forgotten she was still here. The reasoning idea was _definitely_ out the window now.

"It means that you can't get common sense into your thick skull." I replied drily. "I was gonna try and attempt to cool things down, but I can see that ain't gonna happen." I looked over at Sivir. "Want some help taking her down?"

" _What?!_ " Taliyah nearly shrieked. "I _knew_ it! You're another one of Azir's puppets! You're-"

"Oh my _goooooooooodddddsss._ " I groaned, letting my head fall backwards. " _Shut uuuuuuuuuuppppp._ It's less exhausting for everybody that way."

"At least we can agree on that." Sivir said, readying her shuriken. "You know how to fight, or is that spear just for show?"

"I'll have you know I nearly gutted Kha'Zix with this thing." I responded indignantly, drawing it from my back. Granted, that may have been just a teeny little lie, but she didn't need to know that, did she? "And I've got a few other tricks up my sleeve, just in case."

"Am I the only one who finds it weird that I've only known you for about a minute and you're already helping me?"

"No, but we can get acquainted later. Right now, let's just focus on getting this over with." I got into a fighting stance of my own, leveling the tip of my spear at Taliyah.

Stone began to swirl around her, slabs of rock jutting out near her legs. "If I can't persuade you to do the right thing, then you leave me no choice but to defeat you."

"I don't recall you trying to convince me of _anything_." I drily replied. "Stop trying to act cool like Yasuo. You're failing miserably."

I apparently struck a nerve at that last comment. I was just making a guess as a result of a giant rock slamming into my face.

I slammed onto my back, my arms and legs splayed out on the ground. "Owww." I groaned. I could already feel a steady trickle of blood down my nose. Terrific. "Okay, I might've deserved that. You know, I wanted to have this really cool fight where I one-upped you flawlessly, but I think I'll just stick with the easy victory for now. I'll give you a heads-up as an apology for the comment."

"Heads-up for what?"

"For this. Rammus?"

I didn't see what happened (I was still trying to shake off the black spots dancing around in my head), but I heard the impact, followed by a dull thud.

"Nice." I rasped, fist-pumping into the air.

* * *

"You might've overdone it a little." I told Rammus. The three of us were currently crowded around Taliyah's unconscious body, a massive bruise in the center of her forehead. "Maybe you should've gone for the stomach."

"Ok." Was his only reply.

"What should we do with her?" Sivir asked. She'd handled the fact that I was the sun surprisingly well. Azir had mentioned me to her a few times (although _his_ stories made him look more dignified), so that was nice. "We might as well leave her here. Less effort for us that way."

"Nah, we'll take her with us." I replied. "She'll die out in the heat, and as annoying as she is, she doesn't deserve to go that way. No matter how badly we want her to."

Sivir huffed out a sigh. "Fine. The League would probably want us dead if we did leave her behind, anyways."

"Wait, what?" I looked back up at her. "They actually do that?"

"You didn't know?"

"I can't exactly see what goes on in there. They put up wards to prevent peeking, which includes me."

"Shame. You're missing out on a lot." Sivir nudged her head towards Taliyah. "What happens if she wakes up?"

"Rammus knocking her out worked pretty well the first time, so let's just stick with that. Unless, of course, you _want_ her to be a pain in our asses?" I sarcastically inquired.

"Pass." Sivir straightened up. "So, you're looking for my grandfather?"

"Just to have a chat. I'm not really in that much of a hurry, so I figured, what the hell? I might as well, right?" I said. "Would you maybe be interested in coming along?"

"I might." Sivir mused. "For a price."

I rolled my eye. "You never miss an opportunity, do you?"

"Why would I? A girl's gotta make a living somehow." She replied. Money was Sivir's main goal for anything she did. Anything she could charge for, she would. She was getting more generous, but not by much. Luckily, I knew a pretty simple way of getting her to comply.

I shrugged. "Okay, fine. You don't have to come. I get it." I turned my back to her so she wouldn't see my sly smirk. "If you don't want to see where Azir kept his gold, that's fine by me."

"I'm sorry, what?" She instantly whipped her head in my direction.

Child's play.

* * *

Why did I want Sivir to come along? I guess I was just eager for the extra company. Talking to Rammus got dull after a while. I wasn't even lying when I mentioned the gold. Azir had a vault filled to the brim with the stuff in his palace. What was left of it, anyways. He probably wouldn't care if Sivir took a portion of it; spending was the last thing on his mind at the moment.

We tied Taliyah up and carried her along, slung over Sivir's shoulder. I had to give her credit for that. She had to lug that shuriken of hers everywhere and she could still take Taliyah's weight with it? Damn.

We'd set up camp for the night, hunched over a fire made by yours truly. Me and Sivir were munching on a few strips of beef, while Rammus was digging into my jerky. He'd really taken a liking to the stuff. Taliyah had been tossed at our feet, her body contorted into a bizarre position. There was even a little bit of drool coming out of her mouth. It was kind of gross, but also strangely fascinating.

I finished off my dinner before standing up, walking a good ways away from the fire. It was time for my nightly rant at Selene.

I found Sivir and Rammus staring as I finished. "What? Never seen a guy rant before?" I asked.

"Not at the moon, if that's what you're asking." Sivir answered drily. Sarcasm was pretty common around her, too. I guess we both had that in common. Neat.

I shrugged. "I've got a lot to be angry about."

"I'll say. Does your hair always do that?"

"What, combust? Only when I get angry. Believe me, Selene's gonna pay when I get back up there." I replied.

"I can guess what your price will be." Sivir mused, placing her chin on her fist.

"Blood." I answered, my hair slowly smoldering. "I don't care how much Runeterra needs her, I'll find a substitute."

" _Can_ she bleed?"

"She will, once I'm done with her." I sat down next to Sivir, fetching myself another piece of beef. I meant every word I said. Selene was going to pay in blood. You might think I was acting a little cruel, and you may be right. I had a mean streak when I got angry, and gods help who was on the receiving end.

"What about you, Rammus?" I asked the Armordillo. "Got a problem with that?"

"Nope." He replied.

"And what if you're stuck here?" Sivir asked. "Forced to live with us 'mere mortals' for the rest of your life?"

"Eh, I'll just vaporize Selene from a distance. I'm getting stronger, so I might be able to do it." I replied. "And I'm gonna choose to ignore that last bit of sarcasm. I'm not immortal. I'll die one day, regardless of how long that'll take."

We were interrupted by a sudden gasp from Taliyah, who'd chosen that moment to wake up.

Sivir sighed. "I'll deal with her."

"I don't know, I'm in the mood for a bit of entertainment."

"Right. Entertaining. That _perfectly_ describes her." Sivir deadpanned. "Maybe you'd want to go with, Oh, I don't know, annoying as hell?"

"I can _hear_ you!" Taliyah snapped, managing to sit up. "And at least I don't serve a tyrant!"

I put my weight on my elbows, taking another bite. "Do you even know what you're talking about?" I asked. "Xerath was the one who turned Shurima into a wasteland, not Azir."

"His was the ill will that began Azir's wrath." She replied. "He may be partially responsible, but I won't allow Azir to resurrect a long-dead ghost of an empire. His time has passed."

"Says who?"

Taliyah looked confused. "What?"

"Who gets to decide if Shurima's time as an empire is over? It can coexist with the other nations. The whole desert's made up of the lands the empire conquered, and I doubt Azir wants to conquer any more. He's better than he was, and even then he was a pretty nice guy."

"I won't take that chance." Taliyah said. "I have a duty to protect my people."

"I know." I folded my hands over my chest, staring up into the stars above. "But have you ever _talked_ to Azir about this?"

"At the Institute of War, yes."

"You mean only on the Rift." Sivir snorted. "And even then, you were only just shouting at him as you fought each other. He doesn't even consider you an enemy, you know that, right?"

"I-I-" Taliyah stammered, but then she fell silent. I'll be damned. It wasn't impossible to break a Stoneweaver's resolve after all. "Master Yasuo _did_ say I was overreacting a little." She meekly whispered.

"More than a little, I think." I replied. "So, I'll tell you what: the three of us are heading to meet up with Azir. You can come along if you want, and ask him if he's evil or not. Deal?"

Taliyah pondered my offer for a moment. "Very well." She replied. "I accept your offer."

"Okay..." I crawled over to her, my fingers hovering over her bindings. "I'm gonna let you go now." I said. "Now, I'm gonna trust you not to crush my skull with a rock. So...you know, don't make me regret my decision."

She nodded, and one of my fingers lit on fire, searing a clean cut through the ropes. They fell slack, and Taliyah stretched out her arms, and audible pop resonating through the air.

"You hungry?" I asked.

"Famished." Taliyah replied.

I tossed her another piece of meat. "That ought to hold you until tomorrow. We're should reach where we're going by tomorrow afternoon, so you'll be able to-"

"Quiet." Sivir suddenly said.

"What? I'm just-"

"I said _quiet!_ " She snapped. I fell silent.

 _What?_ I mouthed. Sivir just put a finger to her lips. What was she on about?

Then I heard it. A slow skittering, followed by the sound of shifting sand. It came on and off after a few seconds, steadily getting louder. We were being watched.

A spread one palm wide open, absorbing the flames from the fire and covering us in darkness. I slowly stood, gabbing my spear. I took a step forward, and almost tripped.

 _Huh?_ I looked down. Cracks were slowly indenting themselves in the sand, joining together to form a trapdoor.

"Son of a-"

The floor caved in beneath us, and we toppled into darkness.

* * *

 _ **Whuh-oh! The gang just got ambushed! Who might want Helios dead this time? You'll have to find out next chapter. I hope I did Sivir, Taliyah and Rammus okay. If not, again, just roll with it. I am open to suggestions for this story, people you'd like to see, things you want to happen, etc. This chapter was a bit of a filler, but the real action happens next time, I promise. It's gonna be good. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	7. The Almighty Chicken Lord to the Rescue

_**Aaaaand we're back. Whoop dee doo. I'm feeling pumped up and loaded with adrenaline, so let's do this! As you can imagine, Helios and the gang are in a little bit of a tight spot right now. Involving lots and lots of Void burrowers. They're gonna have a helluva time, aren't they? This chapter will also introduce three more champions, ones you're plenty familiar with. This chapter will also have Hobbit references. A whole buttload of 'em. Say it with me now: LET'S DO THIS THING!**_

* * *

I knew just what to say as we toppled downwards:

" _BAH GAWDS!_ "

Not exactly the most logical thing to say, but it summed up the ambush pretty well. It's not like a witty comment would've helped or anything.

We roughly hit the sloped surface of a tunnel, slipping and spinning on the world's most uncomfortable waterslide. Not only was it completely devoid of water, but it wasn't even smooth. It was almost like sliding across sandpaper without a shirt on. In other words, it hurt. A lot.

Taliyah was the first one to recover, slate beginning to gather underneath her. It slowly pushed her up until she was standing, rock-surfing along the tunnel.

"Grab on!" She said, holding out her hand to me as I tumbled along beside her. I managed to firmly grip her hand, pulling myself onto the little platform she'd created. Rock swirled around my legs to root me in place, Taliyah repeating the process with Sivir and Rammus.

It was kind of like being on one of those fancy Piltovan roller-coasters. Fast, thrilling and extremely nauseating. My stomach felt like it was going to rocket out of my throat. Which would be unfortunate, considering I needed that for eating. I liked eating.

"Where are we going?!" Sivir shouted over the wind whipping past us.

"I don't know!" Taliyah replied. "All I can do is follow this tunnel!"

"Ok."

"Really? You don't say, Rammus!" I retorted. "I _never would've guessed!_ "

We went upside down, side to side, while our insides went inside out. I was gonna hurl at any moment.

Luckily, salvation came in the form of a sudden end in the tunnel. Well, I wouldn't call it _salvation,_ but it spared my innards the agony.

"MOTHER OF - _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!_ " Me and Sivir simultaneously screamed as we plummeted. Taliyah just stuck to wordlessly screaming as her stone platform dissolved, while Rammus elected to flail his arms and take it in stride.

We landed with a sickening _squelch._ No, one of us didn't spew our guts out onto the rocky floor below. It was what we landed _in_ that made that sound.

At first, I thought it was some sort of gelatinous slime, like dragon snot or something (and for the record, that's exactly what it's like). I didn't know what a dragon was doing depositing their nostril sewage in a cavern, but I knew I definitely needed to find a bath as soon as possible.

Then the smell hit me. Gods, it was _awful._ You think Tryndamere's armpits smell bad (and don't act like you have no idea what I'm talking about, because you totally do, considering you're most likely a new summoner or something)? This was ten times worse. My nostrils felt like they'd been submerged in acid.

"Oh my gods, the _smell._ " Sivir moaned. "What the hell is that?"

I looked down, and my eye shot to its largest possible width.

"OH MY GODS, WE LANDED IN A _CORPSE!_ "

Everyone immediately threw themselves forward, trying to get as far away from the fly-infested whatever-it-was as possible. "Everybody out, everybody out, everybody out!" I shouted as I made my way off first.

"Oh, gods! Ew, ew, _EW_!" Taliyah shrieked as she joined me, wiping bits of...you really don't wanna know...of her clothes, with everyone else doing the same.

"Why?" I lamented. "Just...why?"

"Helios, it's in your hair!" She pointed at my head.

"What?! Get it off, get it off, get it off!" I swiped frantically at my hair, but the bits and pieces just wouldn't budge. Just then, a lightbulb went off in my head. I clenched my eyes shut, letting thoughts of Selene fill my head. All the arguments, the insults, the repeated jabs and jibes, all of it. It was enough to set me off.

My hair blazed, melting away the bits of again-you-really-don't-wanna-know. I silently congratulated myself for the little spark of ingenuity.

"Oh, the smell's _worse_ now!" Sivir gagged, covering her mouth and dropping to her knees. My eye watered as I discovered first-hand that burnt corpse smelled even worse than the original. "Helios, I had _better_ live through this to get that gold, or I'm taking you to Hell with me!"

We took a few minutes to recover, as our nostrils almost adjusted to the smell. Almost. I wasn't even sure what it _was_ that we dropped into. It had rotted and decayed to the point where it was pretty much another URC. It was big, too. Big enough to catch all of us, while in all honesty I would've preferred solid rock. I was going to have to talk to Azir about the décor in this place. I found it distasteful.

Now that I could get my attention off the corpse, I took a moment to observe our surroundings, my right eye darting in all directions. We were in a large, open cavern (duh), on the end of a strip of rock that looked like a makeshift bridge. The other end went towards another dark tunnel. Yippee. We were pretty high up, from what I could see. The walls just dipped down until it was pitch-black beneath us. Great. We were so high up that I couldn't see the ground. Not a very comforting thought.

"So, since it looks like we've got nowhere else to go, wanna try the tunnel?" I suggested, gesturing towards it. "If we get lost, Taliyah can always just make a tunnel going upwards."

"Alright." Rammus said, Taliyah nodding in agreement, while Sivir just shrugged.

"Then away we go!" I said, before stopping abruptly. "Oh, almost forgot!" I walked back over to the corpse, removing my spear from the skin (I'd lost my grip on it when we fell). I wrinkled my nose and narrowed my eye in response to the smell, but I was able to manage it. "Alright, I'm good. Shall we?"

Taliyah and Rammus stepped toward the tunnel, but Sivir remained rooted in place. "Something wrong?" I asked. She looked like she was thinking hard about something, and didn't like the answer she was coming to.

She pointed towards the corpse. "How exactly did this thing die?"

I shrugged. "It probably got lost, came through the tunnel and died of starvation. Why do you ask?"

Sivir shook her head. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would it die of hunger out here if it got lost? If it did, wouldn't it be in the tunnels, looking for another way out."

I hummed in response, putting a hand to my chin in thought. "Fair point. Maybe it was on the brink and crawled here to die?"

"And why would it put that much effort to get into the open if it was just going to die?" Sivir drily replied.

I shrugged again, my eye looking away sheepishly. "I dunno, maybe it was claustrophobic?"

She and Taliyah deadpanned.

"What? It was just a guess."

Sivir cleared her throat. "My point is, it doesn't look like hunger killed it. Look at the way its skin's been torn. It looks like something ripped it open."

I gulped, beginning to get her meaning. "Let me guess, we're not the only ones down here, are we?"

Sivir swept her gaze across the cavern, a hand slowly moving to her shuriken. "No. We're not."

Taliyah began to accumulate sediment around her, while I drew my spear, my knees slightly bent in anticipation.

Rammus, being Rammus, just stood there with his signature poker-face. I guess it's not like he had a battle pose or anything. He just hit stuff with his shell. What was he gonna do, click his claws together like a crab?

We all heard the noise at the same time, tensing. It was a soft, rapid clattering, almost like if you could hear a centipede walk. It was getting louder by the second, coming from all sides, even from the darkness below. It got to the point where it was almost right on top of us.

I sighed. "Aaaaaaaand cue the monsters."

As per usual, I had a fantabulous sense of timing.

Hundreds of Xer'Sai exploded from the tunnel, swarming straight towards us in a crazed frenzy. "Aw, _hell._ " I muttered. Taliyah reacted first, spreading her arms in front of her. Stalagmites burst out of the ground, impaling several Xer'Sai and joining together to form a makeshift wall. It was high enough (and sharp enough) that they had difficulty climbing over, but at a low enough angle that we could fight back. Sivir tossed out her shuriken, slicing through several Xer'Sai before returning to her hand. Taliyah threw blasts of shrapnel, occasionally pausing to summon boulders out of thin air. My spear jabbed everywhere my eye pointed, each one taking a Xer'Sai with it. And Rammus? He took advantage of our wall's low angle, using it like a ramp. He shot over the edge, bowling over at least a dozen of them. But no matter how many we killed, more just kept coming. We'd be overwhelmed in minutes.

Turns out, it was a lot sooner than that.

Shadows fell above me, and I looked up to see twenty Xer'Sai crawling up behind us. "Cheeky little _bastards._ " I said, before they enveloped us.

* * *

Getting dog-piled by Xer'Sai isn't a pleasant experience. Their legs are jamming themselves onto every spot of your body, and their breath smells _terrible._ Better than the corpse, at least. Silver lining, y'know?

We were being dragged through the tunnel, our limbs clamped in their jaws. Great. Now I had Xer'Sai spit on my gi. I'd have to ask if they had a washing machine I could use. Unlikely, but it never hurts to ask.

I couldn't see a thing in the darkness, although that didn't stop me from hearing the ever-so-colorful array of words Sivir spat at our captors. I was kinda proud of her, to be honest.

It's weird having emotions that should belong to an older person when you're at my age. Now that I think about it, that's probably why I entered Runeterra looking like I was twenty-three. That's my exact age, by solar standards.

My eye squinted as it caught a flash of light up ahead. The tunnel was coming to an end, and I was already making a guess as to what was on the other side.

Sure enough, the tunnel opened into an even bigger cavern than the one we were in, on another stone walkway. The walls around us were crawling with Xer'Sai, a few snapping their fangs at us from pillars of rock below.

Taliyah, being the total teenage rock-nerd that she was, chose that moment to gawk at the surrounding cliffs. "The stone in here is _amazing!_ " She exclaimed, starry-eyed (As a former star, I can officially say that that phrase is an acceptable description).

"SHUT UP, TALIYAH!" Sivir barked. "NOT NOW!"

While Taliyah grumbled her protest, I had my eye on where we were being led. It was a big hole in the side of the cliff, on the walkway's other end. It was (surprise, surprise) too dark for me to see what was in it, but I didn't need to. I already knew.

The Xer'Sai threw us down in front of it, leaving us to pick ourselves up with a groan. Rude. They couldn't have been a little gentler? If they were going to eat us, they at least should've been courteous while doing so. I would've felt a tad bit better knowing they respected me to some extent while they tore the flesh off my bones.

The Xer'Sai suddenly fell silent, the noise shrinking to an audible hiss. They all stared (at least, I think they were. I couldn't see their eyes) at the hole, waiting.

I rolled my eye. "If you're going to kill us, then get on with it! I'm getting bored!"

The thing in the hole obliged, a razor-sharp claw reaching out to grip the edge. Oh, the old evil-mastermind-dramatic-entrance thing. How nice. And cliché.

Another claw came out, followed by the head, fangs gleaming. It let out a guttural snarl as it pulled itself out fully, exposing the serpentine body with spindly, pointed legs.

"Rek'Sai." I said. "Fancy meeting you here in this neck of the woods."

"Uh, don't you mean 'desert?'" Taliyah asked. Sivir rolled her eyes.

"It was a _figure of speech,_ Taliyah." She groaned. "Honestly, I shouldn't've doubted you were dumb as a bag of-"

Rek'Sai hissed, and Sivir instantly trailed off. She was giving her (surprise, surprise, Rek'Sai's a her) the stink-eye, though. I had to give her credit, not many people could pull that off. For one thing, Rek'Sai didn't have any eyes. I think.

"Uh, us, why do you ask?" I said to Rek'Sai, my eyebrow raised.

"Huh?" Sivir looked at me confusedly.

"She just asked us ' _who would be so bold as to come armed into **my** kingdom?'_" I informed. "She's not very happy."

"You can _understand_ that thing?" Sivir asked, dumbfounded.

I shrugged to the best of my ability against the Xer'Sai gripping my arms. "I used to watch Malhazar talk with Kog'Maw and the other Void champions when they weren't at the Institute. It took me a while, but I managed to pick up the language. They've got some really hard irregular-"

Rek'Sai snarled, cutting me off. She made a few snorts, clicks and growls, none of which I liked.

"So, if you're such an expert, what'd "she" say _now?_ " Sivir asked.

"Um, nothing good. She said ' _I care not for the laws of the Institute of War. Whoever comes to my domain shall suffer the consequences. All of you are to be imprisoned, ripened, then eaten when the sun (_ a.k.a me) _next rises._ "

"Like _hell_ I'm gonna be an appetizer for some filthy little feet-maggot!" Sivir barked, furiously straining against the Xer'Sai holding her captive. "I'll kill all of you!"

Rek'Sai let out a few snorts, and I got the impression that she was laughing. She let off another round of clicks and growls, and this time my face paled. She'd directed the last bit to me.

"You don't look so good, Helios." Taliyah noted. "What did she say this time?"

"U-Ummm..." I stuttered. "Apparently I'm gonna be the main course. She still remembers the Xer'Sai I killed yesterday, and feels like a little payback's in order."

"You did _what?!_ " Sivir roared, struggling even more.

I sweat-dropped. "Eh-heh, yyyyyeeeaaaah. Did I not mention that? Whoops."

"Oh, so this is _your_ fault?! When I get outta here, I'm gonna-"

She didn't get to finish her sentence, as a quick bite from a Xer'Sai suddenly caused her head to droop. She'd been poisoned. Xer'Sai were different from their queen because their fangs were coated in toxins that could knock anyone out within seconds. Rek'Sai ditched that ability in favor of a stronger form, but she was still by all accounts lethal as shit. Taliyah and Rammus suffered the same fate, before I felt a sharp pressure on my neck.

I'd been wondering when I was going to black out next. Scratch that one off the bucket list.

* * *

I woke up with a splitting headache, groaning as it hit me. As my vision cleared, I realized I was upside down. That certainly explained the headache. I also found out that I was coated in hardened Xer'Sai spit, unable to move. You want to know what that looks like? When it finally hardens, it's a dirty black, and incredibly thick. Xer'Sai could do a lot of things Rek'Sai couldn't, but she was far stronger and faster than her minions. Smarter, too. I think she was actually only slightly smarter than a bag of rocks. New record.

I was stuck in a smaller cave, with only one tunnel leading out. I couldn't see it, but from the angle of the lighting behind me I could make an assumption.

 _"Well."_ Rational-Me said. _"You've clearly been busy while I was gone."_ (Author's Note: _"_ is used for Rational-Helios.)

I mentally snorted. _You have no idea._ I replied. _And where have **you** been, by the way? I haven't heard from you in a while._

 _"Aren't you glad about that?"_

 _Well, admittedly yes, but you could've at least told me where you went._

 _"I didn't really go anywhere. I just kinda lingered at the back of your mind while you got down to business. I guess that I'll only be talking to you when you actually need to. You know, whenever you're in a situation that would traumatize a regular person."_

 _Okay, so does that mean this is only temporary? Can I expect you to evict at some point?_

 _"I'll probably stop conversing with you when you get used to this kind of thing. When you get to the point where you can #$%^ &-slap a bear without even blinking, then you won't have to hear me talk anymore."_

 _Did you seriously just use a sensor beep?_

 _"I partially represent your parental obligations, remember? And speaking of which, shouldn't you be checking on your granddaughter before heading to Mount Targon? That's what I'd do. We're supposed to be responsible, after all."_

 _She can handle herself just fine. Besides, I want to see my entourage fanboy and fangirl over me. And from what I've been able to gather, Pantheon makes hella-good pancakes._

 _"I suppose you make a convincing argument. Oh, and by the way, Sivir, Taliyah and Rammus are in another room. You two are the main dish, so they're gonna let you ripen a bit more."_

 _Well, isn't that nice of them. They can be such-_ I stalled my train of thought at the station. _Hold on, **two?**_

 _"You aren't alone in here."_ Rational-Me informed. _"I don't know how, but I can see behind you. And it seems like if you two work together, you might just get out of this alive."_

 _Alright then, who is it?_

 _"I'll leave you now to ask for yourself. She still thinks you're unconscious."_ I don't know how to describe it, but I felt Rational-Me leave me alone. You know that feeling you get when someone's staring at you even though you can't see it? It was basically the exact opposite of that. I just got the impression that he (I?) left. Well, I supposed it was time to find out who was lucky enough to share a cave with me.

"Hello?" I called out. "Is someone else there?"

"Ah, you're awake." A ridiculously smooth voice replied. "I've been stuck down here for nearly three days, and I've been dying for a bit of conversation. Care to provide some?" Her voice was almost like silk, but I knew that it hid the venom underneath. Which was appropriate, considering she was part snake. I'd recognize that silver tongue anywhere.

"I'll be damned." I said. "Cassiopeia Du Couteau, the Serpent's Embrace. Enchanté."

"Well, I'm glad to see someone around here with proper manners." Cassiopeia replied approvingly. "Well, not necessarily _see,_ I'm afraid. When they brought you down here I took the opportunity to utilize my unique talents. They covered my eyes with their disgusting saliva afterwards."

"Wasn't very nice of them."

"I couldn't agree more." She replied. "And to whom to I owe the pleasure of speaking with?"

"The name's Helios. I'm the sun."

" _Really?_ " She asked, intrigued. "I can't help but be a little intrigued (knew it) by your statement. Care to elaborate a little more?"

I basically gave her the short version of my story, which took about five minutes. "Okay, that's pretty much it for me." I said. "Now you have to answer a question of my own."

"By all means, ask away."

"What exactly are you doing down here? I didn't think Xer'Sai could get the drop on _you,_ of all people."

"I was on another scouting mission for Noxus." Cassiopeia explained. "Looking for suitable territory to conquer for our nation. It was going rather swimmingly, until I was attacked by Rek'Sai. I took down quite a few of her servants before she finally managed to subdue me. And long story short, here I am."

"Can I ask you another question?" I asked. "This one's a little more personal."

"I'm listening."

"Uh...what exactly is it like to have a tail? You know, instead of legs."

Cassiopeia clicked her tongue thoughtfully. "It's an odd sensation, to be sure. Imagine your legs fuse together, then develop a heightened sense of touch, before the skin of your stomach stretches to cover the new appendage."

"So, what, you're basically laying on your stomach half the time?" I asked.

"In short, yes." She replied.

I grunted, bemused. "Welp, alright. Time to get out of here."

"Oh? And how exactly do you propose on doing that?" She asked.

"Like this." The hardened spit began to glow orange at my sides, steadily getting brighter. Finally, the material smashed apart as my arms spread out, surrounded by flame. I began to extract myself from the saliva, melting it away wherever I touched it. I was really getting the hang of my abilities.

I gracefully dropped to the floor, picking up my spear (which, conveniently, had been placed off to the side, idiot Xer'Sai). Now that I was free, I turned around to get a look at Cassiopeia. She'd been coated in even more spit than I had, with only her mouth and nose visible from her upside-down position.

"Alright, I'm gonna burn you out of there." I announced. "It should only take a few minutes."

"Try not to burn me, Helios." She forewarned. "I wouldn't be very pleased with you if that happened."

"Yeah, yeah." I said dismissively. "Just try not to flinch as I get you out."

My hands began to smolder, and I wiped them across the surface of the saliva, slowly peeling it away. Scales began to shine through, more and more skin showing as I progressed.

After a few more minutes, I managed to get Cassiopeia's arms and tail free. It coiled to the ground below her, acting as a pillow as she fell. She ripped off the goop covering her eyes by herself, and her piercing green eyes took a moment to study me once she could see.

"My, my, Helios, I had no _idea_ you were such a looker." She said appraisingly. "Although, the eye does diminish the look a bit."

"I know, it sucks. I got revenge on Kha'Zix's wings, though."

"Indeed." She gestured toward the tunnel. "Shall we go assist the others? I imagine they will require our aid."

"Eh, I don't know, Rammus has probably gotten himself out by now." I mused as we walked (well, Cassy slithered, but you get the point) up the tunnel. "It's really weird how he just shows up out of nowhere."

"I concur." She agreed, holding a claw up to her chin. "I always _did_ wonder where he came from. I'm not sure if he's even an Ascended or not."

I stopped. My eye began to twitch. My lip quivered. I started trembling.

"Are you ill, Helios?" Cassiopeia asked.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I burst out in a fit of laughter, clutching my chest as I rolled around on the floor. My eye was watering, and I quickly ran out of breath.

"I must have poisoned you by mistake." She said. "Clearly you're becoming delirious."

"No, no, it's not like that." I managed to stand up, still wheezing. "It's just...I know _exactly_ how Rammus started off, and it's just...oh my gods, I can't even."

"Do enlighten me." She replied drily. She was gonna love this.

"You see, Rammus has been an Ascended longer than Azir was Emperor of Shurima. He was a pretty decent ruler, but his _grandpa,_ on the other hand..." A mischievous grin spread across my face. "He was a bit of a party animal. He could get pretty drunk on certain occasions, but the most memorable one _by_ far was when he had a party near the Me-Disk. He got crazy drunk, and when an armadillo happened to walk by, he got the craziest idea."

Cassiopeia covered her mouth with one hand. "He _didn't_." She said, already beginning to crack up.

"He did. He took one look at the little guy, said 'hey, let's Ascend that armadillo' and a few minutes later, out came Rammus."

She mirrored my previous position afterwards, venom leaking out of her eyes instead of tears. Freaky, but also kinda cool.

"Is Sivir aware of this?" She asked after recovering. I shook my head with a grin.

"Nope. Azir made sure everyone was pretty tight-lipped about his grandpa's little 'mishap' once he became Emperor. I don't know why he'd do that, though. It would've been hilarious for the history books." I gestured back to the tunnel. "Now let's get going. We might need to pull of a dramatic and spectacular rescue."

"Sivir will most likely threaten to turn me into a handbag when we arrive." Cassiopeia noted.

I shrugged. "Well, at the very least, you'd make a very fashionable handbag." I offered.

"True enough." We exited the tunnel, only to find ourselves inside a maze of them, and face-to-not-really-face with a dozen Xer'Sai.

" _Heeeeeeeeeeeey!_ " I said, pretending to look delighted. "What's up, guys? Don't mind us, we were just leaving."

"What exactly are you attempting, Helios?" Cassiopeia inquired.

"I don't know, just trying to make some conversation, I guess. But since _that_ idea's clearly not gonna work..." I thrust out one hand, enveloping a Xer'Sai in flames. It screeched in pain as it fell, the others swarming over it in retaliation. The kid gloves were off now, that was for sure.

I sprang forward, thrusting out with my spear. Cassiopeia lashed out with clouds of poison, or sweeping with her tail. It didn't even take a minute to finish them off. "We'd better hurry." I said. "I don't fancy letting Rek'Sai eat my friends."

"Does Sivir count?"

"More or less, once I told her about Azir's vault."

"Child's play."

"Tell me about it." We ran through the maze (well, I did, but that's beside the point), picking off more Xer'Sai as we went. I even got to see Cassiopeia use her petrifying death-gaze or whatever she called it. I'd have to ask her if I could borrow a few statues for when I got myself a house. A few statues out in the backyard, a little décor, and it could be downright lovely. Of course, they'd be Xer'Sai statues, but what can you do?

We pushed out into the main cavern from before, and sure enough, there were my friends. They were gooped (I just invented a word. Boom. Deal with it.) to a long stone platform placed in front of Rek'Sai, kind of like a dinner table. Actually, that was exactly what it was. Sivir did _not_ look happy. I think she would've bitten Rek'Sai's head off if she hadn't been restrained. Taliyah looked mortified, and Rammus was, well...you know, Rammus. They'd actually had the nerve to arrange him like a roast pig, flat on his stomach with only his face sticking out from his shell. What, were they gonna eat him like Fiora slurped out cooked snails? Gross. I don't understand how she can consider that "proper dining," I really don't. If that's what dignified people eat, then I'd rather be a savage like Olaf. At least they have decent meat in the Freljord.

 _"Who dares to interrupt my meal?_ " Rek'Sai hissed, spittle flicking out of her mouth. Yet another champion that required napkins. If I started a business that provided napkins, I'd make a fortune. I'd be crazy rich. Like, _Demacia_ rich. Well, I guess I technically am now, but that's for later.

I raised my hand in response to Rek'Sai's question. "Me." I replied. "My friend and I just wanted to file a complaint for the room we were given. Room service was terrible, and our beds weren't very comfy, either. Tell me, is there a hotel website or something that we can put our opinion on? 'Cause I'm only giving this place one star out of five."

"NOT HELPING, HELIOS!" Sivir screamed.

"Yep." Rammus agreed.

"Oh, hey guys!" I waved. "Fancy meeting you here! Are you here to file a complaint too? You'll have to wait for Cassy to finish, though."

"Cassy?" Cassiopeia echoed.

I shot her a deadpan. "You expect me to use your full name when it's long as hell?"

"Helios, please." Taliyah pleaded. "Make your sarcastic comments later. We're about to die, after all."

"Alright, alright, fine." I grumbled. "Cassy, would you do the honors?"

"That's 'Cassiopeia' to you." She replied, but still obliged. Rek'Sai saw what was coming, and immediately shielded her...eyes, I think...with one claw.

The effect was almost instantaneous. Cassiopeia's eyes began to glow, and a sickly green pulse of light flashed out. The Xer'Sai weren't as lucky as Reksy was, unfortunately. Nah, who am I kidding, it was the best thing ever! For me, at least. Their bodies started to lose color, almost like Vladimir was draining them dry. I'm not sure if he qualifies as a vampire at this point, but it's close enough in my opinion. Anyways, the Xer'Sai began to harden, their skin turning to stone. By the time Cassiopeia was finished, it was like the world's most disturbing art gallery. At least they didn't have any extremities to flash, am I right?

I pried off the goop covering the others while Reksy (I am so calling her that now) was distracted, tearing it off in chunks. Funnily enough, Sivir's shuriken had been placed near the table. Rule #1 when it comes to diabolically destroying your enemies: never leave their weapons where they can fetch them if they escape. I should write a book on that after I'm done with this. Or maybe not, considering Swain might read it...

"Oh, REKSY!" I called in a singsong voice, gripping my spear. "Guess who's gonna have a really bad day."

" _It will be you, you fool._ " She snarled, before unleashing a shrill cry that echoed around the cavern. I didn't have to be a genius to know what that meant.

We were gonna have to get our hands dirty.

Xer'Sai swarmed out of every single tunnel in the cavern, scuttling towards us with a surprising amount of speed. "Get ready!" Sivir yelled as she readied her shuriken, taking a defensive position. All of us went back-to-back as we prepared for the onslaught.

"HERE THEY COME!" I yelled as the first wave hit us.

* * *

All things considered, we were doing pretty well.

Now that all of us had regrouped, and were expecting the attack this time, we handled it a lot better. Taliyah got creative with her abilities, fashioning stone armor around herself so that the Xer'Sai couldn't paralyze her again. Sivir and Cassiopeia were weaving through the horde, flinging metal and poison respectively, although I _could_ hear the consistent banter between them over the screeching. I even caught a "handbag" jab from Sivir. Totally called it. I was pretty busy with my own crowd, Rational-Me giving advice as I sliced, jumped, ducked and rolled. I was having a bit of a "ninja" moment. If I had been a regular guy from the start, I totally would've fulfilled a childhood dream. Be honest: how many of you pretended you were ninjas when you were little?

And Rammus? Well, he was being Rammus. A silent, oblivious, poker-faced badass.

 _"There are too many of them!_ " Rational-Me said as I rammed my spear through another Xer'Sai's head.

 _You think?!_ I replied, ducking around a set of claws. _Why the hell is my luck so awful half the time?!_

 _"Beats me. On your right!"_ I jabbed the butt of my spear into a Xer'Sai's stomach, before slicing its throat open with the tip of my spear.

 _Any ideas?_ I asked. _I could really use one right now!_

 _"Uh...I got nothing. I'm honestly stumped. We won't hold out for much longer."_

 _Well, think of something! I'm dying out here!_

 _"Sorry. As far as I can tell, the only thing that could save us right now would be a sudden and dramatic rescue."  
_

 _What about Cassy's eye-thing?!_

 _"She's being overwhelmed. She has to make eye contact for it to work, and there are too many Xer'Sai for her to focus on. Dramatic rescue's pretty much the only option."_

 _ **BOOM!**_

I was thrown off my feet as a sudden (and extremely dramatic) explosion rocked the entire cavern. A whole was blown open in the wall, but instead of flames, sand was pouring out. As I lifted my head, dazed, I made out a figure walking through the dust cloud. It held some sort of scepter, and had a face like a hawk.

"Take up arms." Azir said. "Fight... _FIGHT!_ "

He didn't have to tell _me_ twice. I snatched up my spear, enveloping the point in flames. I began to cut a line through the Xer'Sai to Azir, the others following close behind. Soldiers made of sand swirled into existence around him, before charging to meet the swarm.

"Hey, Azir!" I greeted as I made my way over. "What's up, chicken head?"

"Ah, Helios." He replied. "I had been wondering who was accompanying my granddaughter. I sensed her here through our bond, fearing the worst. Where is - ah, there she is. Sivir!"

"Grandfather!" She called, slicing through a few more Xer'Sai. "It's about time! What's this I hear about gold you've been hiding from me?!"

Azir turned to look at me with what I assumed was a mix of exasperation and sternness. "You informed her of my vault?"

I shrugged. "Hey, I was anxious for some company, and money was the only way I could get her to come along."

He sighed. "Fair enough." His attention turned to more Xer'Sai crawling along the wall behind us. "Ezreal! On the walls!"

"You got it!" Bolts of arcane energy flung them from the walls, sending them screeching into the darkness below. Sure enough, on a ledge above us was Ezreal, the Prodigal Explorer. He was probably on another one of his archaeological trips to Shurima. He liked to chat with Azir whenever he did. There was plenty for him to learn, after all.

"We need to leave. Now." I said, blasting another Xer'Sai to cinders with one hand outstretched. "We've got an escape route, and we're sitting ducks out here."

"Definitely." Ezreal agreed, dropping down to join us while picking off a few more Xer'Sai. "Damn, these things are ugly!"

"And don't even get me started on their _breath._ " I replied as we sprinted towards the tunnel. I was humming a little tune to myself as we cut through the mob. It was the perfect situation for a little theme music.

Of course, as soon as we got close enough, Rek'Sai burst out from under us, blocking the way. I reacted out of instinct, leaping into the air and aiming with my spear towards her face. She batted me away like I was a fly, thrown back towards the group. Taliyah rushed to help me up, but stopped when she noticed me looking at my weapon with a dumbfounded expression.

"Did you just snap my spear?" I asked. The tip had been snapped off, leaving me with a bare shaft.

Rek'Sai failed to get the hint that she dun goofed.

I picked myself up with a groan. "Here. Hold this." I said to Ezreal, holding out my broken spear. He complied, tucking it under his elbow.

My hair blazed, and I sprinted directly toward Rek'Sai, my whole body coated with fire. I jumped out and kicked with both legs, sending Rek'Sai flying back with the force of a rocket. She rebounded off the cavern wall, before slumping to the ground, unconscious (she had a little foam coming out of her mouth, too. Anyone know somebody who can invest in my napkin company?).

"Well." I turned back to the others, wiping sweat of my hands. "Since we aren't allowed to kill Reksy, and there's a huge-ass hole in the wall, wanna get out of here?"

* * *

 _ **And that's a wrap for this chapter. I hope you liked it. My computer's slow as hell right now, so it's kind of hard to write this when my laptop's throwing a fit. Next chapter will have Ezreal nerding out, Rammus being Rammus, and for the love of God, Raven, YES, Helios is gonna fight Renekton. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	8. I Almost Fry Myself (Plus Angry Gators)

_**Didn't expect me to get a new chapter out this soon, did you? For those of you following my other story (which I highly recommend you check out), you might be disappointed that a new chapter hasn't come out yet. I've got a good reason for that. As you know, Halloween's gonna be in a few weeks, and to celebrate, I'm going to do a special Harrowing chapter for War: Legend. I plan to release the chapter as close to the 31st as possible, so just to make sure I don't miss the deadline I'm going to work on TDHA until a little over a week before, which is typically when I get to work on a new chapter. Now that I've covered that, this chapter is gonna have a few things:**_

 _ **1\. Helios getting a major upgrade.**_

 _ **2\. Ezreal getting his own verb(which is gonna be the first sentence of this chapter, by the way).**_

 _ **3\. Rammus doing Rammus things(poker-facing, one-word sentences, unexplained badassery, etc).**_

 _ **4\. Smackdown with Renekton.**_

 _ **5\. SHIPS! Well, sorta. A few hints at them, at least. I'm pretty much writing this as I go along, so I'm as clueless as you are at the moment you're reading this.**_

 _ **Enough talk. Read on, dear friends. Read on.**_

* * *

I ended up getting Ezrealed.

Never heard that phrase before? Demacians, Noxians, Ionians, Zaunites, Freljordians, Bilgewater people, nothing? I guess I'm not surprised. Ezreal doesn't live in the same place you do, so it makes sense that you don't know what that means.

But you people from Piltover know what I'm talking about, don't you? You might not know Ez personally like I do, but you've probably heard enough about his reputation as an explorer and archaeologist to get an idea. Basically, when someone gets Ezrealed, it means that they're interesting and really cool. Why? Simple.

Because Ezreal asks you _**every.**_

 _ **Single.**_

 _ **Question.**_

 _ **Physically.**_

 _ **Possible.**_

 _ **About.**_

 _ **Your.**_

 _ **Personal.**_

 _ **History.**_

 _ **Until.**_

 _ **You.**_

 _ **Want.**_

 _ **To die.**_

I mean, Ezreal's a really cool guy, and he's fun to be around, but if he just catches a _whiff_ of mystery and adventure on you, kiss your brain goodbye. He will go nonstop for _hours_ until he's pried every little piece of information he can off of you. He's very thorough with his questions, too. He always makes sure he's one-hundred percent clear on what he's learned, and won't finish until he knows every detail for each answer you give him.

So there I was, trekking with the others through the desert night, listening to Ezreal go _on_ and _on_ and _on_ about what a "major historical discovery" I was. It didn't help that my story was apparently the funniest thing he'd ever heard in his life.

At least, until I let Rammus' origin "accidentally" slip off the edge of my tongue.

"Helios, was that completely necessary?" Azir asked. The two of us, along with Cassiopeia, were watching the others attempt to suffocate from laughter as we stopped for the night.

"Well, it got all the attention off me. I was being _Ezrealed_ , what did you expect me to do?"

Azir sighed. "I know what you mean. I still remember the first time I met him. I almost didn't make it out alive."

"I still don't get why you left Rammus out of Shurima's history books. People tend to pay a lot more attention to history when it's entertaining." I replied.

"Shurima was the glory of Valoran. If word had spread of how Rammus came to be, our empire would have been humiliated."

"Alright, fine." I rolled my eye. "I get it, Shurima had an image to keep." I took a bite out of Ezreal's rations, which he'd been nice enough to share. I'd lit a fire in the center, with the three of us plus Rammus lounging around it. Sivir, Taliyah and Ezreal were still laughing their guts out.

"Kinda hard to believe you two are related." I said, gesturing to Sivir. "She's sarcastic and rebellious, you're noble and straightforward. Any idea where she gets it from?"

"I can't say." Azir replied. "I wasn't there when she was born, after all."

I chuckled. "You and me both."

Cassiopeia looked at me inquisitively. "You make that sound like you have a descendant of your own."

"I do." I replied. "I've got a granddaughter. Well, great-great-granddaughter, to be specific, but it's a pain to say that every time."

She raised an eyebrow. "You can't be serious."

"I might be full of sarcastic comments and dry wit seventy-five percent of the time, but I'm not kidding this time around." I said. "She's a champion too, so I've got some pretty big bragging rights."

"And who might your granddaughter be? Is she even aware that you exist?"

"Now that would be telling." I smirked. What, you think I'm gonna tell you _now?_ Hell no. That'd spoil the surprise. And _no,_ it's not Leona. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the first answer you came to. Gods, what a cliché.

"But," I stood up, wiping the sand off of my pants. "It's that time of night for me, and after I'm done, you might be able to figure it out."

"I don't follow." Cassiopeia blinked, confused.

"You might want to plug your ears." Sivir suggested, having finally recovered. "It's apparently time for his nightly rant at the moon."

"This oughta be interesting." Ezreal propped his chin on one fist.

When all was said and done, I turned back to see Azir, Ez and Cassy with dumbstruck expressions. I should've brought a camera. Taliyah and Sivir just shrugged it off (which was kinda disappointing) and Rammus just did what he normally did in this sorta situation. Absolutely nothing.

"Goodness." Cassiopeia said. "That was certainly some...colorful language."

I gave a flourish and a bow. "I learned from the best."

"Ah, Nidalee then. I understand now."

Azir seemed to be contemplating something, leaning on his staff. He did that a lot these days. He might've been an Ascended, but he was still old. He'd had a lot taken out of him, you know?

He chuckled. "I think I know the identity of your granddaughter." He gave a beaked smile. "She got her temper from you, didn't she?"

I gave a sheepish grin. "Guilty as charged."

"Who is it?" Ezreal piped up. "Do I know her? Does she-" He didn't get to finish, as Taliyah had clamped a hand over his mouth to prevent him from Ezrealing again.

"Ezreal, how on Runeterra does Luxanna tolerate you?" She asked. Ezreal pulled down her hand, confused.

"What do you mean? What's Lux have to do with this?" Taliyah blinked twice.

"Aren't you two dating?" His eyes widened.

"What?! Nonononono, we're not dating! Never again!" Ezreal said, waving his hands in front of him.

I rolled my eye with a smirk. "Don't wanna have to deal with her brother again, do you?"

He looked back towards me. "You know about that?" He asked.

"Uh, _yeah._ " I pointed upwards. "I used to live up there, remember? I know all, I used to _see_ all, and I sure as hell saw the embarrassing situation between you and Lux."

"Why? What happened?" Taliyah asked.

I shook my head, amused. "He dated Lux for a while, and things were going pretty well for the both of them, too. The only problem was that Garen wouldn't leave the two of them alone. He kept giving Ez the death-glare, and followed them everywhere they went." It was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen back when I was a star. Garen is absolutely _terrible_ at stealth-mode. The whole time he followed Ez and Lux, he mainly just peeked around corners and acted like he wasn't looking at them when they noticed. Yeah, that means the old try-to-act-inconspicuous-by-looking-away-and-whistling routine. He's an idiot when it comes to sneaking around. Although, according to Katarina, he's a lovable idiot.

Yeah, they're dating now. Guess who played match-maker. I'll give you a hint: he's got really cool hair and is a total badass.

No, not _Ekko_ , you twats! I meant _me!_ Assholes. I can't believe I gave up godhood for _this._ Actually, I can, considering. What am I talking about? Wouldn't you like to know.

"Seriously?" Sivir looked back at Ezreal. He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Yeah. We both agreed to just be friends to save us the grief." He said.

"But it worked out well for you in the end, am I right, _Ezzy?_ " I asked with a devious smirk.

Ezreal's face went bright red. " _You know about that?_ " He whispered.

"What, your new girlfriend? Yeah. And I gotta say, man, you totally scored."

Sivir put a finger to Ezreal's chest. "Spill." She commanded.

"Well...I...U-Um..." He stuttered.

"Please, Ezreal?" Taliyah asked. "While I can't say the same for Sivir, I won't judge you."

"Yep." Rammus agreed. The thing with Rammus is that even though he's smarter than he looks, he's got a very simplistic thought process. It's hard to explain why he doesn't talk that much. Yeah, it's partially because he used to be a regular armadillo, but there's something else. It's kinda like he's got a dumb brain, but a smart head. Did that make sense? No? I can't blame you.

"No guarantees for me, Ezreal." Cassiopeia smirked.

"I will remain passive." Azir informed.

Ezreal took a deep breath. "Okay. It's...well..."

"Come on, spit it out!" Sivir said, annoyed.

"Sivir, be polite." Azir said.

"Don't tell me what to do, old man." She replied. "Come on, Ez, just tell us already!"

"It's...um..." He winced embarrassingly. "...Nami."

Sivir raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Nami. The Tidecaller."

"Yeah."

Cassiopeia hummed to his response. "A bit of a cliché, but I can't find any reason to think ill of your decision."

"Cliché?"

I rolled my eye. "Dude, come on. Naturally the Prodigal Explorer would go out with the Marai that practically _reeks_ of adventure."

"Oh." He replied. "I guess that's kinda true."

"And just so you know, Nami's scales are actually a second skin."

"That's pretty cool. How does she - wait, why are you telling me this?" He asked.

I grinned deviously, winking. His eyes widened once he got the message.

"Come on, man, _really?_ " I rolled onto my back, clutching my chest as I let out my mirth.

"What's Helios talking about?" Taliyah inquired, but Cassiopeia batted a hand her way in response.

"Ignore him. It's best if you remain ignorant." She said.

I pulled myself upright, regaining my composure. I let out a sigh of contentment, staring back up at the stars. "I wonder if the other stars even know that I'm gone." I thought out loud. "Maybe if I'm lucky I can just slip back up to my previous body without anyone noticing."

"You seem very eager to resume your position." Azir noted. "Why exactly are you going to Mount Targon?"

"There are a few Lunari temples that the Solari have access to. Once I'm there, I can look for things that might explain how Selene put me here, and figure out a way to reverse it."

Ezreal snorted. "Good luck with _that._ I don't think Diana's gonna like you poking around. I tried that once, and let me just say that I regretted it immensely."

"You may not have to go to Mount Targon to find what you seek, Helios." Azir said. "There may be a solution to your predicament with _me_."

"Oh yeah?" I gave him a skeptical glare. "And what's that?"

"You become an Ascended."

"I'm sorry, what now?"

* * *

"So, let me get this straight." I said, my hands on my hips as I looked up at the Me-Disc. " _You._ Want _me._ To place myself in front of this thing and get an animal head."

"Correct." Azir nodded. We'd gotten to his bachelor pad the next morning (courtesy of his fabulous sand powers). Sivir, as expected, made straight for the vault, her eyes already having gold coin signs in them. I could practically see her swimming in money from where I was standing. Nasus greeted us when we arrived. He had to stay behind to keep an eye on Renekton (who was chained up in the basement), to make sure he didn't escape. The League of Legends apparently didn't want to "babysit" him year-round, so Nasus had to take him home when the Institute wasn't busy.

"Will, uh...will it hurt?" I asked.

"Only a little." Nasus assured me. "The initial shock is startling, but you will get accustomed to it after a few seconds."

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Helios?" Ezreal asked. "I mean, I'd love to see the process of Ascension firsthand, but what if you get a lame animal? What if you turn into a hippo?"

"Hey." I shot him a disapproving look. "Don't diss hippos. Those things are terrifying once they open their mouths. I should know, I made them after all."

"So you wouldn't mind becoming fat?"

"...I'm starting to see your point." I clapped my hands together. "But screw it, I'll take a gamble. It's just another regular day for me, at this point."

"Are you certain I can't go through the process myself, Azir?" Cassiopeia asked, her eyes flashing at the sight of the Me-Disc. "I'd certainly like to take a gamble."

"I can't see why you would want to, Cassiopeia." He replied. "It wouldn't be much of a change. You would only acquire the head of a snake. I doubt your abilities would increase in any way."

"Guys, come on." I interrupted. "Can we get this show on the road? I have a moon to vaporize, chop chop!"

"Very well." Azir motioned towards a dais near the Me-Disc. "Step forth, and we shall begin."

I stepped up to the center, as he'd told me to. I already knew how the process worked. I invented it, after all. I took a crouching position, placing the palm of my right hand on an imprint in the stone. "Alright. Animal me up." I said.

The Me-Disc suddenly lit up, bolts of energy arcing around the room. My hands and feet suddenly lost contact with the ground, and I began to rise up. My arms spread in the air, my body taking a T-shape.

"Uh, Nasus?" I called. "Are you sure this isn't gonna - _BAH GAWDS!_ "

Remember when Nasus told me it wasn't going to hurt that much?"

He lied.

It hurt a _lot._ It was like being struck by lightning, lighting on fire (well, that's what it felt like anyways. I can't actually get burned), and getting punctured by arrows all at once.

"NASUS, YOU SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" I screamed as energy coursed through me. If I didn't get a cool animal, I was gonna collar him to Cho'Gath the first chance I got. Maybe Kog'Maw, if I got a chicken head like Azir.

An explosion rocked the palace ruins as the process finished, shaking the walls and ceiling. I dropped to the floor, landing on my face. In Piltovan terms, it was a little bug in the program that made itself known when I first created Ascension. Renekton had to learn that the hard way.

"Ooooowwwww..." I moaned, picking myself up. The others rushed over to me, eager to see what form I'd taken.

"Well..." I uncovered my face. "How do I look?"

"You don't look different." Taliyah replied. "In fact, you haven't changed at all."

"What?" I ran a hand over my face, and sure enough, it was still made of skin. "Aw, hell! I wanted something cool!" I complained.

"Did it even _work?_ " Ezreal asked.

"I can't be certain." Azir said. "I had assumed that since Helios is a former star, Ascension would have had a much more pronounced effect on him." He frowned. "It seems that I was mistaken."

I sighed, before looking up at the ceiling. "You hear that, bitch? You survive. For now." You probably know who I was talking to.

"I suppose you will have to travel to Mount Targon after all, Helios." Azir said. "I-" He suddenly stopped, looking at me with a confused expression. "Why is your eyepatch glowing?"

"Huh?"

His hand jerked to the strip covering my socket, pulling it down sharply. His eyes widened at what he saw underneath.

I winced. "Yeah, I know, it's ugly. At least I know never to mess with a devil insect again."

"Actually, your eye is...I suppose you had better see for yourself." Azir conjured up a disc made of sand, hovering in front of me. "If you would assist me."

"What? Oh." I got the hint, sending a burst of fire at the disc. It hardened into glass, the surface perfectly smooth. Damn, I was good.

Hold on...

I looked at my reflection, unsure if I was seeing things. My eye was _back._ I had two eyes again. But that wasn't the crazy part. The crazy part was that my left eye was _molten._ It was like my previous body had been shrunk, before being slipped into my empty socket. Instead of a regular iris and pupil, I had a burning white circle. It was kinda nauseating, like one of those black-and-white hypnosis things. The scar around my socket was glowing, like lava was seeping through.

In other words, I looked _awesome_.

I grinned. " _That_ is pretty cool." I said. I blinked a few times experimentally with my new eye, checking out the way the eyelid moved. It worked just as well as my old one, and cosmetically it was even better.

I turned to Cassiopeia and Taliyah. "What do you think?" I asked.

Cassiopeia put a hand to her chin, a small hum emanating from her throat. "I think it suits you, to a certain degree. It makes you look more like a god than your previous eye did."

"Well, hey, if you ain't selling it, they ain't buying it am I right?" I grinned.

"Hey, Helios, you missed something!" Ezreal called out from the dais. I craned my head to the left to look at him inquisitively. He was pointing at something laid flat on the dais, although I couldn't see it from my cross-legged position on the ground.

"What is it?" I yelled.

"You know how Rek'Sai snapped your spear?" He asked.

"Yeah, why?" I was still fuming about that. Nidalee put a lot of work into that spear, and I'd killed plenty of nasties with the thing, too. There was this one time in Kumungu where I managed to drop a bird out of the sky with a single throw. I earned my wings for dinner _that_ night, let me tell you.

"It looks like Ascension may have given you a solution to that issue."

"Seriously?" I stood up, excitement beginning to creep through my veins. Sweet, a new spear! I guess I should've expected it. Nasus, Renekton and Azir all got their weapons from the process, too. Rammus hadn't gotten any, but his shell and claws were more than enough of a substitute.

I eagerly trotted over, rubbing my hands in anticipation of snagging a new toy. If my buddies' Ascended weapons were any indication, this one would probably be made of some kind of rune metal. Unbreakable, lethal, and badass as shit.

 _Come on, show me the goods!_ I thought excitedly as I stopped beside Ezreal. _Give me my new-_

I stopped as I looked down. I raised the eyebrow of my new eye, confused. "Huh?"

My new toy was most definitely _not_ a spear. I managed to draw that conclusion from the massive golden-bronze blades running down the sides of the shaft. Each one was flat at the end, like a butcher's knife, and the two combined in a curved T-shape at the end of the shaft, which was a long metal pole with grooves embedded into it, probably to help me get a grip. Solar patterns had been etched into the blade, along with little wisps of flame on the side.

Instead of a spear, I had gotten a double-edged battle axe. (Author's Note: For those of you who play Destiny: Rise of Iron, it's basically the Iron Battle Axe, but with a Solar theme instead of Iron Banner).

"An axe?" I said, dumbfounded. "What the hell am I supposed to do with an _axe?_ "

"Uh, kill stuff with it?" Ezreal suggested.

I snorted. "I know _that,_ but axes are Darius' thing! I'm a _spear_ person!" I gestured to the axe, looking at it with mock fury. "I command you to turn into a spear! A spear, I say!"

Unfortunately, it didn't appear to be one of those talking weapons that obeyed whatever command their master gave them. That sucked. Poppy doesn't know this, but her hammer is actually sentient. He'll (yeah, it's a he) talk to whoever is worthy to wield him, but it'll be a long time before that happens.

"Dude, just take it." Ezreal said. "It looks sick, and you probably got it for a reason. Why don't you at least pick it up? I can always take it back with me to Piltover if you don't want it."

I sighed. " _Fine._ But I'd better be impressed." I stooped down, lazily picking the axe up by the handle. It let out a musical hum as it moved through the air. It was actually pretty light. I thought the thing would be heavy, considering the size of the blade, but it was as light as my spear had been.

I swung it around a few times, the blade humming with a slightly higher pitch as I did so. "Okay." I looked at it apprehensively. "It looks pretty durable, and it's incredibly light, but I don't know if this is the right weapon for me, guys."

As if feeling the sudden urge to prove me wrong, the blade suddenly burst into flames. The markings etched into the surface blazed a fiery white, molten metal dripping from the edges of the blade.

"I take it back; this is the best weapon ever." I said, with an awestruck glee.

Some of you are probably looking at this thing with a deadpan, saying "Seriously? That's all it took? As soon as the axe lights up you're all for keeping it?" I can see your logic behind that, but _come on,_ people (and Yordles)! It's a _flaming axe!_ It ups your manliness factor by at least one hundred fifty percent! Sejuani would look _way_ cooler if she had one of those! Not that I'd give it to her. She's kinda stupid. She still supports the idea that strength is all that matters in the Freljord. I'm sure you've heard that story of how she burned Ashe's gift of Avarosan grain. Moron. I mean, she turned down _free food_ _!_ Who _does_ that?

I slung my new axe over my shoulder, sticking the other hand in my pocket. "Alright, I'm keeping this. Shame that I don't have anybody to use it on. It's kinda just here for show right now, isn't it?"

A guttural roar responded, echoing down the halls. I heard a dull impact, followed my cries of rage.

Azir and Nasus instantly snapped to attention, looking at where the noise came from. "It's Renekton." Nasus said. "He's freed himself."

* * *

So, this was one of those situations with a silver lining. Renekton had gotten out, which basically meant shit, we had a crazy crocodile-dude running around in Azir's basement. Joy. On the other hand, I could test out my new axe. I hadn't so much as poked anything with it as we ran down the halls. I wanted to savor this moment. Sivir had reluctantly torn herself away from her booty (Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me. Gangplank really hates that song, which is why I sing it directly to his face every chance I get) to join us, her shuriken at the ready.

"How did he get out?" Sivir asked as we hurried along. "I thought you had him chained up!"

"We did." Nasus replied. "However, no bindings can hold my brother for long. The chains must regularly have restraining runes applied to them to ensure he doesn't escape. I had applied them just before Lord Azir left, and I haven't done so since."

"My newly acquired fantabulousness must've distracted you." I sweat-dropped. "Sorry, man. Er, dog. Whichever."

"Is 'fantabulousness' even a word?" Sivir drily asked.

"As a matter of fact, _yes._ " I haughtily replied. "People just don't use it all that much. I can get you a dictionary if you want."

"Shut up." She grumbled. I rolled my eyes (Yay! I could say 'eyes' again!).

We arrived at the door to Renekton's cell, each one three times as tall as Nasus. And he was pretty tall, considering he was an Ascended. I dunno why, but everybody who becomes Ascended grows at least half a foot. It's part of the reason Cassiopeia doesn't want to be an Ascended. I think the extra-long tail would just be a pain to manage. Plus she'd grow a snake head, and snakes are ugly up close. No offense to snakes.

"How big exactly is his cell?" Ezreal asked, running a hand along the massive stone doors. "This seems like a lot for just one guy."

"Oh, you mean the Ascended crocodile who kills people for fun and can grow to almost twice his original size?" Sivir asked. "I have no idea."

Azir sighed. "Sivir, please. Not now. But to answer your question, Ezreal, Renekton despises small spaces. He will lash out more frequently if he feels trapped or contained. We found that a larger cell calmed him, if only to some extent."

I tried to push the door open, but it wouldn't budge. I kicked it, but only ended up stubbing my toe, which resulted in me hopping around on one foot, utilizing all of the most colorful words I had ever learned. I glared at the door.

"You've made a big mistake, buddy." I lowered my axe from my shoulder. "Nobody stubs the toe of Helios!"

"Helios, I'm afraid that won't have much of an effect." Azir cautioned. "You see, the door must be opened through a very complex process, which requires-"

He never got to finish, because as you can imagine, I didn't give a damn. I hadn't done anything badass for a few hours, and I was getting angsty.

The doors were sliced apart, my axe cutting like a hot knife through butter. Then again, my axe was on fire and molten at the edges, so it was a pretty accurate analogy. I'd call my axe "The Butter Knife," but I doubt many people would tremble in fear.

"Well..." Cassiopeia stared at the wreckage, stunned. "That was...astonishing, to say the least." She smirked. "Darius is going to be upset when he learns that someone has a better weapon than he does."

"Ah, piss on what he thinks." I waved a hand dismissively. "Now I'm going in there. You guys stay out here, and guard the doors just in case I die."

"Helios, no!" Taliyah protested. "Let one of us go with you. You can't possibly handle Renekton on your own."

"I could use a pair of croc skin boots." Sivir fingered the edge of her shuriken. "I wouldn't mind going down there."

"Nah, I got this." I replied. "I'm an Ascended now, remember? If I got a fireball for an eye and a super-cool axe, I doubt that's the only thing I got from the process. Maybe I'll get lasers or something."

"You're certain?" Azir asked. "You truly believe you can handle this on your own?"

"Yeah, I do." I said. "And if I turn out to be wrong, I'll call for you. It'll probably sound like screams of pain, so just assume I need help if that happens."

Without another word, I turned around and descended into the darkness, my footsteps echoing down the stairs.

* * *

I wasn't completely blind, which was nice. Not only did my axe act like a torch, but my eye turned out to double as a flashlight. Neat.

The downside was that it was a _really_ long staircase. I was gonna have a shit time walking back up. I would've preferred an escalator. Could Azir even make one out of sand? I was going to have to add that one to the list. I might've been the sun, but I could only go on what I'd seen. If someone had decided to manifest sand escalators at one point of their lives, I had completely missed it. I sometimes tuned out for a while back when I was a star, and once I started paying attention again, I discovered that several years had passed. I swear, I look away for a _few years,_ and all of a sudden Jinx and Kled pop up out of nowhere.

I finally made it to the bottom, entering a large room supported by columns made of sandstone. It was about as wide as a soccer pitch, stretching out to the left and right. There wasn't any source of light, from what I could see, which meant I would have to rely on my eye and axe to see. Renekton probably knew I was there by now. Lucky me, I was easy croc-bait.

I slowly slunk through the hall, my footsteps silent as my axe blazed. I soon came across a pile of shattered chains, snapped at the links. "Well, at least I know he's in here with me." I muttered.

Slow, ragged breathing behind me immediately caused my back to stiffen. Well, whaddya know, he could sneak up on people. Cheeky little bastard. Well, I shouldn't say _little,_ but you get my point.

"Hmm..." I was about to do something stupid and possibly suicidal, which meant the usual. "Smell of rotting flesh? Check. Drool all over the place? Check. An ominous glare that suggests a very painful death is about to ensue? Check." I whirled around with a delighted grin. "Renekton, old boy, is that you?"

Sure enough, there he was, all six feet five of him. He had bits and pieces of meat lodged in his teeth, and he had a tight grip on his curved blade. His tail was lazily whipping about, and his eyes? Focused completely on me, as crazy as ever. Poor guy. You had to pity him for what Xerath put him through.

Renekton snarled, saliva pooling at his feet from his gums. He didn't appear to be in a mood to talk. Too bad for him, 'cause I was.

"So..." I kicked up a little bit of dust, looking around the room. "I like what you've done with the place. How long have you been decorating?"

I ducked just in time to avoid his teeth, jaws snapping where I was barely a second earlier. I leaped backwards, dodging a swipe of his Bat'leth (that's what it's called, by the way). Renekton advanced, forcing me back as I continuously ducked around bites and claw swipes.

"What, don't wanna chat?" I asked, blocking another swipe with the shaft of my axe. "You could've at least said hello."

Renekton gave no answer. Instead, he lunged, twisting around in a corkscrew with his Bat'leth pointed directly at my chest. I leaned backwards, dodging the assault secret-agent style. I would've waved my arms around dramatically, but that might've led to me losing one. I'd just gotten my eye back, I wasn't eager to lose a limb.

Renekton twisted upright just before he landed, claws creating sparks against the stone floor as he turned to face me. His Bat'leth glinted in the light of my axe, gleaming murderously. He leapt forward, swinging his blade in a crazed frenzy. I was barely able to block each strike with the shaft of my axe, sparks flying every time our weapons connected. I could've fought back, but I didn't want to. Despite the fact that he was trying to kill me, it wasn't his fault. Xerath had done this to him. My axe had completely destroyed the doors to his cell. I didn't want to see what it could do to skin and bones.

Then, I got an idea. A crazy, suicidal, wonderfully insane idea. The best kind of idea. The ones that are so crazy, they just might work.

My right leg lashed out, kicking him in the stomach. It was surprisingly effective, sending him stumbling back a few feet. I tensed, hefting my axe as I waited. Renekton ran forward, claws scraping against stone as he raised his Bat'leth, intent on cutting me to ribbons.

Just as he was about to hit me, I swung with the flat of my axe's blade, straight into his. The force of the strike was enough to knock it out of his hand, sending it careening into the corner of the hall behind him, clanging audibly as it dropped into the shadows.

Renekton turned back towards me with eyes narrowing to slits, forcing out air from his nostrils.

I raised my axe, but instead of slicing towards Renekton, I slammed it into the ground, embedding the blade into the stone floor beside me.

"Alright, big boy." I cracked my knuckles, then my neck, crouching into a ready position, fists raised. "You wanna go? Let's go. For reals, this time."

Yeah. I was going to fight Renekton hand-to-hand. It was crazy, but it wasn't stupid. Stupid ideas never work. The crazy ones tend to surprise you.

Example: This idea. I had a pretty good reason for why I was doing this. As you remember, Nidalee had taught me all sorts of things while I was in Kumungu. How to use a spear (I was gonna have to unlearn that, which sucked), how to climb, and the most important one: how to defend myself against predatory animals.

Conveniently, those lessons happened to include crocodiles. The jungle's full of them.

My fists lit up, flames licking at the knuckles. My feet shifted slightly across the floor. My eyes narrowed. Renekton whipped his tail, opening his fists to reveal his claws with a _shink._

"Let's go!" I yelled, sprinting towards him. He complied, charging on all fours.

We leapt, colliding midair, before crashing to the ground in a tangle of flying fists and slashing claws. I landed on my back with him over me, already aiming to bite my head off. Just as Nidalee had instructed, I latched on to his nose and chin, preventing him from closing his mouth. I gagged at the smell of his breath. After I smacked some sense into him, I was gonna have Azir buy him a toothbrush.

I shoved his head to the side, retaliating with a left hook to the jaw. His head snapped backwards at the impact, and I kicked with both legs at his exposed chest, knocking him into the air before landing on his back a few meters away. Weird. I'd only meant to send him flying a few feet. He was a heavy guy. I shouldn't've been able to kick him that far.

I jumped to my feet ninja-style (that's a true stereotype, Shen does it all the time), throwing fireballs at Renekton. He was pretty lithe (what a fancy word) for someone as big as he was, weaving around every single one. His right claw whizzed right towards me, and I barely ducked before it smashed into a pillar behind me, taking a chunk out of the sandstone. While he was exposed, I threw a fist forward, aimed at his shoulder. He pulled away just before it made contact (fighting's made up of a lot of close calls most of the time)...

And I stared in shock as my fist not only broke a chunk out of the pillar like Renekton, but knocked it _completely_ off the floor and ceiling, toppling down with a heavy _thud._ I blinked twice, unsure if I'd actually seen that.

"Holy-" I looked down at my fist, which wasn't even broken. "Did _I_ do that?" Now, fireballs, an axe, and a burning eye are one thing. Super strength is another.

I had to test this further. Just to make sure it wasn't just a fluke. I saw Renekton's tail coming from the side, about to smack me in the face. Instead of jumping over it, like I'd been taught, I let it hit me.

I staggered back from the impact, which was enough to make a sharp _crack_ echo throughout the room. But instead of my neck snapping like a twig, I just stood there in my staggered position. I slowly turned around to face him, rubbing the spot where he'd hit me. It looked like Ascension had done more for me than I thought.

"Well, whaddya know." I said. "That didn't hurt too much." I grinned. Oh, this was gonna be _so much fun_.

Renekton roared, swinging again with his right claw. I didn't even flinch, blocking with my left wrist. He stared at the point of contact in shock, a bit of humanity making its way through the crocodile.

Rearing back, I gave him the hardest headbutt I could, directly against his helmet. He fell onto his back, but twisted to the side, rolling over repeatedly. He was trying to bowl me over. It was similar to was a regular croc did when it had prey locked in its mouth. The death-roll, just so you know.

I took a few steps back as he advanced, avoiding the claws and tail. I was drunk on power, let me tell you. I was in the zone. And boy, did it feel good.

I kicked him, knocking him into a nearby pillar. Azir was probably going to throw a fit when he saw that we'd trashed the place, but it wasn't like he couldn't just conjure up new pillars. Besides, this was going in my "Awesomeness Montage" video! Basically, I'm gonna record all my best moments from my past, with a little help from Zilean and Ekko. I expect it to hit ten million views once it's ready for the Internet. But enough about that. Now it's time for the part where things get interesting.

Renekton was _not_ happy. You would be too, if you'd just been tossed around like a ragdoll by a guy shorter than you were. His body began to twitch, contorting in awkward positions and growing at the same time. He let loose a roar as he grew, his claws getting sharper, his teeth wider.

I found myself looking up into the face of Renekton's Tyrant Form, which was three times his original size. He stopped down to pick up his Bat'leth, which had also grown.

"Oh, goody." I grumbled. "Now I have to deal with _this._ What a time to be alive."

Renekton roared, swinging his blade in a downward arc. I leapt out of the way, grabbing my axe at the same time. Renekton ripped up the ground beneath him, sending debris flying everywhere. He was big, but he was also slow. If I could get an opening, I'd be able to take him down. It wasn't very smart of him to transform in a tight space like this.

I ran full-blast towards him, sliding under his legs. Strapping my axe to my back (it fit rather nicely in my spear's strap), I ducked out of the way of his tail, but instead of running further, I turned around and ran _up_ his tail. Well, when I say "ran," I mean "clambered." The spines made it difficult, but I managed. I scaled his back (oops, bad pun), before hurling my upper body over his neck. Standing on his shoulder, I jumped, grabbing onto his jaw. The sudden increase of weight caused Renekton to fall forward, toppling downwards. Just before he hit the ground, I crawled up to his forehead, so I wouldn't get crushed under him. He hit the ground with a _crash,_ landing flat on his chin. Without wasting a second, I ran over to another sandstone pillar, grabbing it with both hands. Fingers literally digging into the rough material, I heaved, ripping the pillar off the floor. Part of me still couldn't believe I was doing this. Propping it on my shoulder, I turned around and swung it as hard as possible.

Right on top of Renekton's head.

I might've given him a concussion. Or almost knocked him unconscious. Either way, it was effective. His body began to shrink, until he was back to his normal size.

I walked over to him, elbows resting on my knees as I crouched beside him.

"Had enough?" I asked.

 _"Helios."_ He growled in reply. I frowned. He wasn't one for talking, but he was better at conversation than _that._

"It's nice that you remember me, but you didn't answer my question." I said. "Are you _done?_ "

"...Yes."

"Good." I stood up, dusting myself off. "Let's talk."

* * *

 _ **Happy now, Raven? I hope so. And for everybody else, I did say that Helios would be getting a major upgrade, didn't I? And he hasn't even begun to discover what he can do now. Oh yes, there's more. Until next time!**_

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	9. Renekton and Nasus Do Bro Things

_**Hey, guys and gals, I'm back. This will be the last chapter before I get to work on the Halloween special for War: Legend, or should I say Harrowing? If I made Nightmare Before Christmas and Michael Jackson references for that chapter, would that be alright? Anyways, last chapter for TDHA, I made Helios an Ascended. I gave him a new eye, along with a new toy to play with. Oh, and super strength. SPaladin, one of my most frequent reviewers (kudos to you, my man, by the way) thought it was more or less kinda generic. He's right, it was kind of weird to put in, but from what I've read and seen, it looks like enhanced strength is a common ability among gods and goddesses in general. Don't worry, friends, Helios is gonna get some more creative abilities as the story goes on. Trust me, they're gonna be cool. NOW LET'S DO THIS!**_

* * *

Talking with Renekton was a pretty interesting experience.

Once we'd established that the fight was over, I picked up the pillar that I'd smacked him with and set it sideways on the ground, taking a seat on the sandstone. It was still weird how I'd suddenly been able to do that. Nasus and Azir were nowhere close to the level of strength that I'd demonstrated. Then again, neither of them were former stars. I made a mental note to check the manual for the Me-Disc whenever I got the chance. It had worked differently than it was supposed to.

You see, when you undergo Ascension, the Me-Disc basically draws out your "inner-self," or the best reflection of your personality. Your animal, weapon and abilities all depend on who you are. Take Azir, for instance. I'll admit it, he's got an eagle head instead of a chicken. And there isn't a bird alive more regal and imposing than an eagle. Perfect fit for Azir.

Anyways, once I'd sat down, I got to chatting with Renekton. It was kinda awkward, considering the fact that I'd just kicked his ass. Although, to be fair, I wasn't expecting the super-strength either.

Why am I putting that down? Renekton's looking over my shoulder right now. Our fight's a bit of a sore spot for him, so I have to put at least _one_ thing in his defense, right?

Renekton seems happy enough with that. Sweet. As for why he's out of his cage, I'll explain further.

Our conversation basically started with me asking a few simple questions, like how he'd been doing and all that, then realizing those were stupid questions, because of obvious reasons. Then we moved on to how he was gonna behave once we got back up to the others. As expected, he screamed bloody murder regarding Nasus. "I hate him" this, "he left me to die" that, you get the idea. He smashed a few pillars, tore up the ground, all the things he tended to do when someone mentioned his brother. I had to slap him in the face to get him to calm down. Twice. Part of me didn't want to; it was kinda fun watching him rant. If I'd ranted at Selene the same time he was ranting about Nasus, our movements would've looked exactly the same. But, I knew that I had to do what was necessary.

So I told Renekton why the reason he hated Nasus was stupid. Or, to be more accurate, I reminded him. From what I could guess, Xerath had somehow managed to erase the poor guy's memories of what happened.

The big guy's reaction was equal parts sad and downright hilarious.

What did he do? Oh, what you'd probably expect. He got angry, called me a liar, threw a tantrum like a big scaly baby, that sorta thing. By the time he was done again, the room we were in was practically empty. Maybe Azir could use it as a storage space or something.

I had to slap him _again_ to get him to shut up. Afterwards, once I _finally_ got him to listen to me, he shifted from rage-mode to feels-mode. Such moping, much regrets and all that. I was getting impatient by that point. I wanted to head back upstairs.

Which brings me to how everybody else reacted...

Yikes.

* * *

I walked out of the entrance to the basement, my axe slung over one shoulder. The others were waiting in the exact same position they'd been in when I left, and Taliyah appeared to have bitten her nails off.

"Helios! Thank the gods you're alright!" She yelled, running over and tackling me in a hug. I didn't really know how to respond to that. Well, I did, and it was to return the hug, but you know what I mean. We'd only known each other for a few days. It's kinda weird at first, you know?

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good." I chuckled, pulling away. "I didn't lose another eye this time, so I'd call that a win."

"What happened down there?" Sivir asked. "It sounded painful."

I shrugged. "Oh, we fought, threw a few punches, I spontaneously developed super-strength and kicked his ass, you get the general picture."

"Really, now?" Cassiopeia mused. "I assume that would explain the commotion we heard. Did you bring the room down, dear?"

"Speaking of which, where is my brother?" Nasus asked. "Did you restrain him?"

I sweat-dropped. "Ehm, eh-heh, riiiiiiiiiight." I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. "About that. He's...kinda..." I stopped, rolling my eyes with a groan. "Oh, screw it. Renekton, get out here!"

That was a mistake on my part. I probably should've given them a heads-up. Suddenly saying "Renekton, get out here!" out of the blue tends to throw people off. But, you know how it is. We make stupid mistakes when we need to do the exact opposite. Sorry about making that little design flaw, by the way. Biological programming is hard. Frankly, I was surprised that humans even evolved the way they did. I remember when you used to be monkeys. Fun times, fun times. Lots of poo-flinging and banana-eating. Pretty unsanitary, but it was a big hit on The Universe's Funniest Planetary Videos. I got one star to wet himself...which resulted in a massive solar flare that destroyed millions of lesser systems, but hey! At least I made him laugh, right?

...I know, I'm awful.

Getting off track again. What happened after Renekton poked his head out of the basement door (or what was left of it anyway)?

Complete and utter pandemonium.

Everyone's eyes bugged out of their heads, Nasus especially. Sivir lunged, tackling Renekton while drawing her shuriken. Ezreal fired up his magic gauntlet-thingy (we don't have names for _every_ magical artifact, you know), and immediately began firing bolts of Arcane energy. Rammus prepared to unleash his inner bowling ball, while Azir summoned sand-soldiers. Nasus charged with his axe (the blade was actually tiny compared to mine), but Cassiopeia strangely just sat there. I think she was the only one who'd figured out that the situation wasn't what it looked like. Or she was just lazy.

It was actually kinda entertaining. Everybody was dog-piling Renekton, with sand-soldiers adding to it. They would get thrown off after a few seconds (he's a bipedal crocodile, what did you expect?), but jump back on afterwards.

Eventually, after they were thrown off for the umpteenth time, I decided to clear things up.

"Uh, guys?" I called out.

"Guys?" They weren't paying attention. From what I could see, Renekton was attempting to get Ezreal in a headlock with his mouth. Yikes. Sivir had him in a headlock of her own, but he barely even noticed.

I face palmed with a groan, slowly counted to ten (with the occasional burst from my hair), and tried again.

" _Guys._ " Taliyah was occupied with Renekton's tail, which was flailing around while she hung onto it for dear life. Nasus was trying to get her off, but he kept getting smacked in the face with the tail. And to think these people were supposed to be champions.

" _Guys!_ " Still no answer.

I facepalmed. " _Uuuuuuu **uuuuuuuuuu** uuuuuugh._" I groaned, dramatically wiping my hand down my face as I did so. "You know what? That's it." My hair blazed, and I slammed the blade of my axe into the ground as hard as I could. A fiery eruption exploded from the impact, knocking everyone off their feet, except for Cassiopeia.

"Now that I have your attention," I pointed to Sivir, who still had Renekton in a headlock. " _Put. The crocodile. Down._ "

"Are you insane?! I'm not-"

I shot her a stern look. " ** _Now._** " Somehow, it worked. Maybe my new eye could make someone envision fiery death, I dunno. It's not like I've ever tested it. _Although,_ I could probably find out if I glared at myself in the mirror. I'll add that to the bucket-list.

Anyways, Sivir unwrapped her arms from Renekton's neck, not that it'd had much of an effect. She could barely get her arms around his neck to begin with. It was like hugging a tree, from my perspective.

I placed my hands on my hips, sternly looking at the crocodile. " _Renekton_ , what did I say about this?"

He grumbled something unintelligible in response. "Sorry, repeat that?" I cupped a hand to my ear. I was going Parental-Mode on a crocodile. Next up, I was going to teach Rammus how to talk like a goddamn philosopher. I was already on a roll with the impossible stuff, so hey, why not?

"That I wasn't allowed to attack them, and use my words instead." Renekton said.

"And? How did it end up working out?"

"Sorry." He actually looked embarrassed.

I sighed. "It's fine. I guess I shouldn't've expected anything other than a complete panic attack."

"Uh, Helios?" Sivir said, clearly looking pissed. "Mind explaining what's going on here?"

"Oops, my bad." I apologized. "Renekton, stand beside me, so we can properly reintroduce you." He complied, lumbering over to my right. I gestured with both hands to him.

"Ladies, gentlemen, Rammus (sorry man, I don't know if you count or not), allow me to introduce you to Renekton, _formerly_ bat-shit crazy crocodile, and reinstated warrior of Shurima."

Taliyah's jaw hit the floor. Score. "You're joking."

I raised an eyebrow. "If I was, we'd probably be fighting a big-ass crocodile right about now."

"Fair point." She conceded.

Renekton walked over to Azir, before kneeling with the tip of his Bat'leth in the ground. "Lord Azir." He said. "It has been many years, but I am ready to return to active service."

Azir looked at me, stunned. I flashed him dual peace signs with a cheeky grin.

"Believe it, pal." I said. "I just fixed his mind." I mimicked an explosion with my hands. "Boom. Deal with it."

Azir looked back down at Renekton, who was still waiting for his answer. "I am... surprised, to say the least, Renekton." He rubbed his chin (which was kinda weird, since he has a beak) with his free hand. "How do I know this isn't a mere ploy to lower my guard, so you may later attempt to kill Nasus?"

Renekton winced in embarrassment. I guess he didn't appreciate having his past thrown in his face. "I have no proof of my sincerity, my Lord; only my word." He stood up, turning to face Nasus. "Along with the words I will say now to my brother."

Get your handkerchiefs ready, boys and girls. This'll be the only time you get to see Renekton say something mushy.

(For the love of gods, Renekton, I swear that it'll only be _one_ time! You might think this part is embarrassing, but what else do you want me to put, the time when you asked Valor to clean your teeth? You know how _that_ went.

Long story. Assuming you're a new summoner, you probably don't know how ridiculous the Institute can be, yet. Just make friends with a few champions, and you'll see what I mean. Now back to the drama!)

"Nasus, forgive me." He said. "I wasn't in my right mind when I was released from the tomb. I remember that I was in fact the one who requested you seal me and Xerath within to begin with."

"I've caused you so much pain." He continued. "It must have been difficult for you, seeing me in such a maddened state. For so long I believe that you had left me to die alone in the dark, to be forgotten underneath the desert sands." He paused. This was taking a lot for him to say. I was pretty impressed. So far, it wasn't bad for a first try. Nasus was pretty attentive, although he hadn't shown any emotion towards it yet. Key word being "yet."

"But I know the truth now! I know that all this time, all you ever wanted was for me to return." Renekton paused again, taking a breath before pushing on. "To fight by your side again. To be your _brother_ again."

"I have never been one for grand speeches or eloquent words." He admitted. "I have always preferred my actions to speak for themselves."

"But just this once, I will lower my blade." Renekton dropped his Bat'leth, the metal clanging repeatedly as it hit the ground. "And I will ask just one thing: can you ever forgive me for the pain I've brought upon you and Lord Azir, for the hate that I felt for so long? Can you find it in yourself to accept me as your brother again?"

Nasus was silent. I had to wait for a bit to see if that was just out of habit, or he was genuinely thinking it over. He and Azir had that in common; they brooded over a lot of things. They'd be great at art.

Renekton lowered his head after Nasus continued to remain silent. I sighed. Poor guy. He'd tried so hard. He'd even managed to string a few decent sentences together. Too bad it hadn't worked. At least he wasn't crazy anymore.

Life, however, decided to make me eat my words and give me a breather. It was a pretty rare occasion; it didn't happen often.

Nasus placed his hand on Renekton's shoulder, with the warmest smile I'd ever seen from him.

"Of course I can forgive you, brother." He said.

And right after that, he gave Renekton the first bro-hug they'd had in years. It got pretty mushy after that. Renekton looked like he was about to cry. Taliyah did one better and actually _did_ cry. Sivir gagged, while Cassiopeia just rolled her eyes with a smirk, suave as shit, just like always. Azir and Ezreal just smiled, and Rammus, well...y'know how it goes.

All in all, it wasn't a bad day.

* * *

The next few days were pretty fun, as far as most of my days had gone.

Nasus and Renekton were pretty much inseparable from that point on. They did all the things you'd expect two bros to do: riding bikes together, building sandcastles, making Sivir throw up, it was just adorable. It was gonna get old soon, but I'd probably be gone before then. The Institute of War was gonna have a field day with this, that was for sure. If I failed to retake my body, I'd have to enlist as a champion just so I could see everybody's reaction. Knowing Ahri (even if it wasn't personally), the bro-pics would be all over the Internet barely after the two had walked in the door. A price we have to pay for smartphones, I guess (I seriously love those things. The AI is so much fun to talk to).

Taliyah finally decided to put on her big-girl pants and talk to Azir about the whole "tyrant" thing. I gave them some privacy for that moment, and when they finished talking about it, Taliyah looked pretty happy. She said that she was wrong about Azir (biggest understatement of the freaking CENTURY), and had actually made a deal to help him with rebuilding the palace. Sand could only do so much, you know? It turned out that she was actually a pretty competent architect, and her ideas for the palace were pretty cool when she showed them to me. At least, the parts I could understand (she went Rock-Nerd for most of the chats we had). Azir even invited the rest of her tribe to stay with him. As you can imagine, Taliyah was really happy to hear it. I was all for it too. I always hated how people on Runeterra could never get along all the time. Humans and Yordles are pack animals, after all. They work better in groups. Filling the Shuriman palace to the brim with Stoneweavers was a small step towards the goal of worldwide cooperation, but it was one in the right direction.

Hey, I just had a bit of a philosophic moment there! Cool! I guess I just can't help myself sometimes. I'm billions of years old, it'd only make sense for me to go Zen-Mode for a bit.

Ezreal took a bit of an interest in Taliyah's ideas too, although he usually spent most of his time in the library. I was impressed at how many books were left from the fall of the Empire. I was doubly impressed at how quickly he managed to read through all of them. The library was twice the size of a soccer pitch, but given a week Ez could probably read every single book. I still can't believe that Nami went for a history geek. Then again, once a lady Ezreal's age sees him in his Debonair outfit, cue the swooning. I'd be jealous, but I've already got somebody.

Uh-huh. That's what I said. Suckers! She's hot, too! You'll probably see the two of us a lot once you get settled in. Either that or I'm sparring with Syndra. It's actually pretty fun. Or I'm hanging out with my granddaughter.

Yeah, _her._ I am so proud. Good luck conceiving a kid like _that._ And guys, for your lady's sake, don't go trying. The stress alone would be unbearable. Trust me, being a grandparent has some weird moments. Especially considering that my granddaughter and I look about the same age.

When Taliyah wasn't discussing things with Azir (Yasuo's jaw was gonna hit the floor when he saw that), she was playing with Rammus. They'd figured out how to play bowling with each other. Taliyah just lined stone pillars horizontally across the hall, and then rolled Rammus towards them by fashioning a giant stone hand out of sediment. They counted points by how many pillars Rammus managed to smash. They'd given up on just knocking them over. Sometimes they even got Ezreal to play volleyball. Again, giant stone hands. Rammus was pretty content to be the ball. At least, from my perspective. Mundo's actually been wanting to cut open his head and look at his brain, but nobody's let him get that far. It's actually pretty ironic, because Rammus was willing to give it a go. He's generous like that.

Cassiopeia just did whatever everybody else was doing at the time. Despite the fact that she has a tail, petrifying eyes and can literally kill you in seconds, she's actually really nice once you get to know her. She's nobility, so manners are mandatory for her family, even in Noxus. The funny thing is that she really just accepted scouting missions so that she didn't have to deal with her city-state in general. She knew that she wouldn't really achieve much on her current mission, but hey, anything to help the growing empire, right? (wink-wink)

She also accepted scouting missions so she wouldn't have to take orders from Swain. The guy creeped people out in general, and usually wasn't fun to be around. Plus, there was also the fact that he was a total psychopath. He doesn't show it all that often, but it never matters. He's a walking cliché for villainy. I mean, he's got a six-eyed raven, black and red eyes, and constantly bends over a cane while hiding behind a collar that covers his mouth! Oh yeah, and there's also the part where he can turn into a demon bird. If that doesn't scream "I'm totally plotting to take over the world," I don't know what does.

Of course, you've probably heard about that incident with Cassy, Katarina and Talon, haven't you? How they ended up switching allegiances? For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, you'll find out later. Yeah, yeah, I'm a total asshole, but I can't go spoiling all the major plot points, can I? However, I _am_ allowed to dangle them in front of you like a donkey chasing after a carrot. I'm not gonna lie, it's kinda fun to do that.

Sivir and I, on the other hand, elected to play Ultimate Frisbee with her shuriken. I had super strength, and she was an expert at catching the thing, so why the hell not? It was kinda hard to do it with only two people, but we managed. And sometimes the others wanted to play, so we were alright. We were young, we ran green, kept our teeth nice and clean, yadda yadda yadda, you get the picture.

It's sort of funny to imagine all of us doing things reserved for kids, isn't it? I mean, you'd expect most champions to rely on Lux for lighting up their day. But now they had me. I was a former star, so I was all _about_ light. Lux may have been a genius at brightening lives, but she was merely a student; _I,_ young ninjas, was the master.

You've also probably heard about that one time when the training room exploded. Totally my fault, but I was teaching Lux how to make fireworks. It was a bit harder than I thought, because fire was my natural ability. Lux had to use magic. For those of you who are currently trying your hand at magic, I can offer you some advice. Ryze would spasm if he found out about this, so keep this to yourselves as much as you can, and whatever you do, don't tell Ryze what I'm about to tell you now:

The principles behind magic are actually pretty simple. You see, magic is the art of telling the Laws of Physics to piss off. But the trick is getting them to listen. Ask Syndra, she can tell you. She's very persuasive.

You don't seem very thrilled to have learned that information. Fine, go ahead, use the harder method of reading from books. Don't come crawling back to me when you can't figure something out.

We fooled around for a week, just taking time to enjoy ourselves. It was nice to take a load off. When I'd been living with Nidalee in Kumungu, the chances of having fun were slim. I was either hunting, climbing, or taking lessons from Nidalee. Which, as you might recall, weren't very fun.

I knew that I'd have to leave eventually. Soon I'd have to leave for Mount Targon, and return to my former self. But at the same time, I wanted my human experiences to be memorable. I was going to have as much fun as possible before I left. This part of my life had certainly been an eye-opener. And I wasn't in as much of a hurry as I'd been earlier. Azir could transport me to Mogron Pass way faster than I could walk, which was convenient. Even though walking didn't bother me anymore ('dem thighs, 'do), it still took a while, and got boring, too.

The night before I left, I was hanging out on the edge of the roof, looking up at the stars. Fortunately, it was the night for a new moon, which meant that I didn't have to deal with Selene. Ranting was a tiring hobby; it was nice to take a break once in a while.

My left eye shot out a beam of light as it skimmed over the night sky, almost like those lights at movie premiers. There weren't any electric lights for miles, so the sky was lit up in a deep shade of blue. I could see why Selene liked taking the night shift, loathe as I was to admit it. I could even see the faint outline of the galaxy Runeterra was in, and I occasionally glimpsed a shooting star streaking across the sky. Fun fact about shooting stars: they're completely different from comets. They're what happens when a star does something similar to spitting. We mainly do it just for kicks. That's the benefit of being a star; you're life's more play than work. Jealous, much?

I didn't even flinch as Ezreal Arcane Shifted beside me. "Hey." I said with a lazy wave, casually swinging my legs over the edge of the roof.

"Hey." He replied, plopping down beside me. "I'm taking a break from reading, so I thought I'd check up on you, see what you're doing."

"Star-gazing." I said. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. Still is."

"Yeah, it's a good night for it." He agreed.

"Especially since it's a new moon tonight." I replied.

He barked out a laugh, leaning back before placing his elbows on his knees. "You really hate her, don't you?"

"Yeah." I frowned up at the sky. "If Selene was here, she'd probably tell you the reason we hate each other so much is because I'm jealous of her. That I wish I was as 'magnificent' as she was."

"Are you?" Ezreal asked.

"Gods, no." I scowled. "She's the one mooching off of _me._ For as long as I've known her, she's always been stuck-up and arrogant. Believe me, the world would be better off without her."

"Doesn't the moon control the tides, though?" He inquired. "What would happen if she died?"

I shrugged. "I've got no idea, but I could probably find a decent replacement. I can get Nagakabouros to put in a little more effort. She wouldn't mind; she loves her job."

Ezreal just chuckled in response. "It sounds like you've had a pretty interesting life."

"Oh dear gods, please don't Ezreal me." We both howled at that, almost falling of the roof.

"You know..." Ezreal began after we recovered. "There's something I've always wanted to ask."

I deadpanned. "What did I just say?"

"It's only one question, I promise." He replied, holding up both hands defensively.

I sighed. "Fine. Ask away."

"Is Aurelion Sol your father?"

I blinked a few times in response. "What?"

He shrugged. "Well, he created you, right? Wouldn't that make him your father, and all the other stars your siblings?"

I shook my head. "Not exactly. It's different than the relationship between Orianna and her maker. You see, us stars don't really consider Aurelion as our dad. He didn't really make us out of nothing; he only took existing matter and shaped it into something different. Orianna only considers her maker her father because she was programmed that way. Us stars only see each other as good friends, because technically we don't share any DNA."

Ezreal hummed in response. "You could probably talk to him once you get to Mount Targon. The Solari can summon him, but they typically don't want to."

I snorted. "Yeah, I'm gonna have a nice little chat with Aurelion when I get there. He hasn't given me a tune-up in years."

Ezreal gestured to the front yard (or whatever you call it) below us, where the others were starting up a campfire. "Well, in the meantime, you can just enjoy yourself. It's been a blast having you around."

I looked down at the campfire, where Sivir and Taliyah were apparently having another round of banter, with Azir trying to get them to stop. Rammus was just doing his thing, and Cassiopeia was making the occasional sly comment, which Sivir would make an outburst at.

"Yeah." I smiled. "Sounds like a plan."

* * *

 _ **And there you have it, guys and gals. I'll be getting back to this once I finish the Harrowing chapter for my other story. This was a shorter chapter, I know, but right now there aren't any major plot points going on, though if you look carefully I've hinted at a few, plus shenanigans. Next chapter will have Helios going to Mount Targon and dealing with Mother Nature at her cruelest. Depending on how long I make the chapter, it might include Leona freaking out. We'll see how long it takes for me to add that part. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	10. Nature, Bear-Slapping, and Screaming

_**Um...hi. Yeah, I know I said that it would be a while, but as I was working on the chapter for my other story, I realized something.**_

 ** _The Dawn Has Arrived is way more fun to write than War: Legend._**

 ** _Honestly, my thrill for writing W: L has diminished. It's hard to write in third person, and it isn't nearly as fun as writing Helios' sarcastic quips, jabs and jibes. Plus, my other story was my first one, and I wrote it when I had no experience with writing a story at all. I think that there's a lot of things that I'd like to change if I had the chance. This was a hard decision to make, because I know a lot of you enjoyed my other story, but I've decided that for now, I'm putting War: Legend on hiatus. But, to make it up to you, I will include my OC summoner for that story in this one, and yes, that means a Sona pairing. Who knows, maybe I can get my boy Ellis to be Sona's Jay Badger (HoneyBadgerDCFF, kudos to you, my man for all your magnificent work, go check Badger's fics out guys, they're awesome). Once again, sorry for the inconvenience, but I'm just having way too much fun with TDHA. This chapter will have Helios hating Nature, Selene, and Life in general. NOW LET'S DO THIS THING!_**

* * *

I woke up early the next morning, just before the Me rose. It wasn't that I had a lot to pack; I just enjoyed watching myself rise over the horizon. Selene might think that Her-lit nights are romantic, but in my opinion there's nothing more romantic than a good Me-set and Me-rise. Seriously, I've seen a shitload of weddings take place just before I go under the general field-of-view. They're always nice. Lots of singing, dancing, and plenty of champagne. Yum. I don't know why getting drunk seems to be a favorite pastime during weddings, I really don't. Although, usually the groom knocks up the bride the night after, so I guess I don't really mind. The only thing just as strong as the power of love is the power of alcohol. It works wonders, let me tell you.

I also wanted to save as much daylight as possible while I booked it across Mogron Pass and to Mount Targon. You'll freeze your ass off up on the mountain at night, and I'm not even exaggerating. There was this one guy who got frostbite on his anus. If he'd survived the trip, he would have had a hell of a time going to the bathroom.

So there I was, eating another portion of my rations as the Me rose. It was probably gonna be the last relaxing moment I had before Mother Nature rolled up her sleeves to give me a spanking. Well, there _isn't_ actually a Mother Nature, but you know what I mean. The closes thing to Mother Nature Runeterra has is Ivern. The only difference is that he doesn't try to kill you when it's the least convenient time. The guy doesn't even attack jungle monsters on the Rift. He just gets to making groves and setting them free. It's always a pain for Kolminye to have them rounded up afterwards. I don't even know why she bothers. Oh well, at least she doesn't use bees as a substitute.

Don't you look at me like that. I can't see your faces, but I know that that's the expression you guys are wearing right now. You _know_ that bees are evil little shits. The _second_ you get close to a flower they're occupying, _poink!_ You've got a stinger in your crotch. Honestly, we're practically at war. You'd be surprised at how many champions agree with me. Even Zyra's conceded to that point. Naturally, Ivern has the exact opposite opinion (hashtagNaturePunz). He's always frolicking in the forests and fields with all manner of minions of darkness. Even honey badgers, Mordekaiser's only known fear, and I don't know how he manages to do _that._ Several of us have to keep telling Ivern to stop fraternizing with the enemy, but he never listens. He'd better hope none of the animals spontaneously become vegans, or he's screwed.

After I was done looking in the mirror (sorta), I happily received the heartfelt goodbye that everybody gave me. Well, what passed for one anyways. Sivir tried to play it cool, acting like she was going to be glad to see me off, but I could tell that she'd liked our Ultimate Frisbee sessions. Taliyah started crying a little (rocky exterior, my ass), and gave me a hug. at this point I was just learning to go with it. Ezreal gave me a proper bro-hug, and told me that I'd be welcome to visit him in Piltover anytime. I was starting to consider it; I'd never seen Vi punch anybody's face up close before. Cassiopeia also gave me a bro-hug (Zen-Moment: it matters not what thine gender is, only if thou possesseth the true heart of a bro), and informed that Katarina and Talon would've liked to meet me. Hear that, scrubs? That's how a boss does it. Nasus and Renekton just said that it was nice meeting me, and as for Rammus, well...guess.

I waved goodbye as Azir and I walked out of the palace. "Ready to depart, Helios?" He asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah. I'm ready."

Sand began to swirl around us, completely blocking my vision for a few seconds. When the sand dissipated, we were standing a few hundred meters away from Mogron Pass. Sand-teleportation, nifty eh?

For those of you who haven't been to Mogron Pass (which I would highly recommend, it's a cool place), it's basically rocky path through the mountains that leads directly to Mount Targon. You have to do a bit of climbing most of the way, and there aren't any trees until you arrive at the mountain, which has a forest at its base. Another odd thing is that no matter what time of the year it is, Mount Targon is always surrounded by a massive blizzard. Somebody could be sipping on a tequila barely one hundred miles away for all you knew, and it wouldn't matter. Admittedly, that was a bit of a Geography Derp on my part. My bad, sorry.

"Do you need me to accompany you the first few miles of your journey, Helios?" Azir asked. "I would not want you to lose your way."

"Nah, I'll be fine." I waved a hand dismissively. "I created the way, after all. It won't take me long."

Azir nodded in understanding. "Very well. Farewell, my friend. Until we meet again." Sand swirled around him, and once it dissipated, he was nowhere to be seen.

"Alright." I rubbed my hands together, gazing up at the mountain range in front of me. "I can do this. I'm just a hop, skip, and a jump away from getting to my entourage. No pressure."

* * *

Surprisingly, I didn't jinx myself right away. And I only use that term very reluctantly. Why? Jinx won't stop making awful puns about it. Her main goal in life is to annoy people, from what I've gathered, so she'll do whatever it takes to drive people nuts. Just...someone help us, _please._ We'll kill ourselves if we have to hear more puns. They're unbearable.

Getting back on track, despite all odds against me, my trek across Mogron Pass was actually pretty pleasant. A lot of people will tell you it's a dangerous place to be, but it's only because of the terrain. One slip is all you need to fall to your death. The view is beautiful once you get past that fact. Plus, thanks to my newfound and admittedly cliché strength (all gods and goddesses have it, so I was kinda bummed that I didn't get anything creative), I could climb the whole way without breaking a sweat. I even knocked down a few stone pillars to make myself a bridge.

It was a nice day, too. The Me was shining, the wind was giving me a nice breeze as I walked, and one time I even thought I saw a Demacian Eagle.

Cue the audible gasps!

Demacians eagles ain't nearly extinct, ladies and gentlemen (plus all the weirdos, no offense). They're _endangered_ (stupid poachers), but not extinct. They've taken to hiding in the places that no one will expect, i.e. Mogron Pass. Naturally, they appear when no one has a camera on hand. They actually do that on purpose. They're smarter than you think. Quinn isn't hallucinating when she talks to Valor; she's just learned how to read his visual and audial cues.

Anyways, the part where I screwed myself over was when I got down to the base of Mount Targon.

That's when the cold hit me.

The _second_ I entered the snowy forest at the base, a wall of wind slammed into me, à la Shurima style. The only difference was that it was cold as hell. My cloak whipped around wildly as I trudged through the deep snow, my hands barely able to hold it to my body. It was pretty foggy, too, but my burning eye cut right through it. It was just forest, forest and more forest as I walked, each tree almost invisible from the snow covering the tops. I bumped into a few when I wasn't paying attention. Say what you will, but you'd understand if you were in my position.

I was freezing, too. While it's true that I'm completely immune to extreme heat, the same can't be said for extreme cold. I could very well freeze my ass off, and I did _not_ want to end up like the other guy. I slipped and skidded on frozen ponds, fell over a few times, froze my boogers, it wasn't a fun time for me. Note to self: remind Nidalee to pack warmer furs next time.

(She's looking over my shoulder now. Well, I'm _sorry_ there weren't any warmer furs available, Nid, but for gods' sake, you're the _Bestial Huntress!_ It can't be too hard to find a decent skin!

Joy. She's threatening to kick my ass now. While I would just _love_ for you to do so, don't you have a date with Lee Sin in a few minutes? Don't wanna be late now, do you?

I don't think I've ever seen her run that fast. Score. Adding that little victory to the resumé, and FYI, I actually happen to have one. The League isn't going to last forever, and I'm gonna need to do something with my life if it happens in my lifetime. Back to my shitty situation!)

So, as you can see, I was having a pretty bad time. Me and my big mouth. Honestly, just get somebody to shoot me so I don't go and ruin everybody's day with my assumptions. Jhin would probably do it. He's into that kinda thing. We had to ban him from the drama club because every play he has a role in usually winds up with someone dead. It's unfortunate, but luckily we have magic revival thingies to prevent it from being permanent.

(Jayce is now making a protest to that label. I don't give a shit as to what they're called, Jayce, they still revive people! It won't be the end of the world if because of this account that future generations look at them in museums and they're called "magic revival thingies."

We seem to have differing opinions on that matter. Viktor just happens to be nearby, and now _he's_ interested in what we're arguing about. This oughta be great. No, seriously, somebody get the popcorn. It's always a riot when those two go at each other.

Caitlyn's got me covered. Thank you! The things she hides in that hat of hers...to this day I swear that one time I saw a hamster crawl out of that thing when nobody else was looking.)

As I trudged, stumbled and flopped forward, I came across a gorge that was blocking my path. It was a long way down, from what I could see, far enough to kill me if I jumped. And of _course_ the gorge was too wide for me to jump. Why couldn't anything ever be easy in my case?

" _Because there's hardly ever anything in life that actually is._ " Rational-Me replied, answering my question. " _You've almost always got to work for something if you want to get it._ "

 _And that's supposed to make me feel better...how?_ I asked, irritated. _I would've expected something a little more helpful from you, O' Wise One._

" _I'm_ thinking, _just give me a minute._ " He (I?) snapped back. He was in rare form today. It looked like he was finally learning how to be sarcastic. " _Hmm...maybe we could get a few trees to act as a bridge?_ "

I shook my head. _Nah, that wouldn't work._ I replied. _Sure, I might be able to sear a few of them together, but I'd most likely be frozen solid by the time I was finished, and I'm not even sure if I_ could _sear them together. I'm more likely to burn them to cinders._

" _Alright then, what do you suggest?_ " Rational-Me asked, in a strange moment of a role-reversal. " _I can't think of a reasonable solution to this._ "

 _Neither can I._ I replied, before stopping my train of thought. _Wait. That's it!_

" _I can already see what you're thinking, and_ don't. _I'm sure we can-_ "

 _But don't you see? There_ is _no reasonable solution. It's time for one of those, crazy, suicidal, completely insane ideas that always work!_ I said, bending my knees and getting myself into a ready position. _And I know just how to solve this problem._

I ran forward at a full sprint (which was slightly difficult, given the snow), heading straight towards the gap in front of me..

This was gonna work.

This was gonna _work._

" _No,_ wait." Rational-Me protested, but by then it was too late. Using a burst of flame to propel myself upwards, I leapt, soaring across the edge of the gorge.

"HAHAHAHA, _HELL YEAH!_ " I screamed, crossing the halfway point. "We're flying! _WE'RE FLYING!_ "

" _We...can't fly, you know that, right?_ " Rational-Me asked nervously. I began to see his point. We were rapidly losing altitude.

 _Well, it is good to have dreams, right?_ I asked.

" _Dreams, yes. Delusions?_ "

" _NOOOOOOOOOOOO!_ " I screamed as I plummeted, missing the other side of the gorge by only five feet.

The wind whistled in my ears as I fell, the ground rising up to meet me at an astounding rate.

This was it.

I was really going to die.

I'd never get to meet my entourage.

I'd never get to punch Selene in her rocky face.

I was just going to be...gone.

...

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 _NAH!_ XD

Oooh, _sweet!_ I can make facial emotes with this thing? What else can I do?

:P

:D

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:O

:3

X3

D:

DX

;P

XP

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¯\\_ツ_/¯

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⤜(ʘ_ʘ)⤏

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T-T

I'll stop now.

As you can probably guess, Lady Luck decided to take my side. She must have been taking a break from Twisted Fate.

I clenched my eyes shut just before the moment of impact, which was probably going to hurt. A lot.

But, instead of there being a sharp pain in my forehead and the world going black, nothing happened. For a brief moment I thought that I was already dead. Awfully nice of Kindred to give me the arrow at the last moment. However, when I opened my eyes, expecting to find the afterlife, what I found, as you can probably guess, was very different.

I was _floating_ , my face just inches from the ground. I turned over in the air, positioning myself upright. _What...?_ I was greatly confused. Had I just spontaneously developed the power to fly? Did that mean I could just generate random abilities whenever I felt like it? If so, could I get the power of spontaneously generating snacks? The same kind of meat day after day got old.

" _Look._ " Rational-Me gestured to look at my surroundings. Rocks, sticks and various other small objects were swirling around me in elliptical orbits, kind of like electrons did around a nucleus (Jayce is letting out a gasp that I used a scientific term. _Get over it,_ Jayce. I might not pay attention to _everything_ that goes on in Runeterra, considering that not everything's worth my attention, but I still have my moments.) I instantly recognized the pattern, crazy as it was. No, it wasn't flying, or telekinesis. It was...

"...Gravity?" I asked no one in particular. "I can control _gravity?_ " I laughed in disbelief. "Well, _duh._ That's what I get for being a star, I guess."

What did you expect? Gravity's a pretty cool power to have. It's actually better than telekinesis. You can alter gravity to the extent that you can walk on walls and ceilings, and you can also use it effectively in combat. Have I abused this ability once or twice. Nope.

...I've abused it at least two dozen times. But enough about those circumstances where I did, let's talk about what happened to me next!

I surged upward with a whoop, spreading my arms.

" _WOOOHOOOOO!_ " I yelled as I ascended. "THIS. IS. _AWESOME!_ "

As I soared over the edge of the gorge, it looked like I was going to be okay. For one blissful, content moment it looked like I was going to make it. I already knew where the Solari temple was; all I had to do now was fly there (or gravitate, whatever).

Of course, what happened in reality was nowhere close.

Because of all the times your new gravity powers could glitch and stop working, it would be at the least convenient time. Isn't that just swell?

"THIS IS _NOT_ AWESOME!" I screamed as I fell. I was high enough for it to hurt when I hit the ground with a _smack._ On the bright side, the pain gave something akin to warmth, however briefly. Plus I was right at the foot of Mount Targon, so I could climb the rest of the way.

"Life, why do you hate me?" I groaned, spitting out snow. "I just want to have it easy for once, is that too much to-"

I stopped as I stood up.

And stared right into the face of a bear.

Because why the hell not, Nature? _Why the hell not?_ It's not like I want to _live_ or anything! Nooooo, I'm _perfectly fine_ with being mauled to death!

It happened to be a full-grown grizzly, too. Just my luck. I always get the nasty ones. Claws twice as long as your fingers, big meaty paws, teeth that could rip your head off, the usual. At that moment, I cursed myself for making bears.

I was pretty fead up by that point. Honestly, didn't this bear have anything better to do? It couldn't come back when I was ready to kick its ass? So inconsiderate. I should've given bears proper etiquette when I made them.

The bear reared up, on it's hind legs. It spread its claws, bared its teeth, and let loose with a Runeterra-shattering roar, right in my face and effectively ruining my haircut in the process. Jerk. His breath smelled pretty bad, too. A diet based on fish will do that.

Considering all the problems I'd been having, all the setbacks I'd endured, all of the irritating little moments that had nearly driven me over the edge, I did the only logical thing I could think of.

I bitch-slapped the bear, completely poker-faced.

 _Hard._

"Bitch, do I look like I have time for your shit?" I demanded, sternly glaring at the bear, whose head had been forcefully moved to the side. At a pretty weird angle, too. Now that I thought about it, it kinda looked like...

The bear fell to the ground. Dead.

I stood there, stunned. It took me a few moments to come up with an appropriate response to what I'd just done, which I decided was-

"Holy. Shit." I gaped at what I'd just done. "Did I. Just bitch-slap. A bear. So hard. That its neck. Freaking _snapped?_ "

" _I...I have no words right now._ " Rational-Me said. " _This has gotta be the manliest thing we've ever done._ "

"Hell yeah, man!" I exclaimed excitedly. "High-five!"

" _No high-fives, I'm a voice in our head._ "

"Oh. Right." I sweat-dropped. "Hey, didn't you say that you'd get an eviction notice when I managed to do this sort of thing without even blinking?" I asked.

" _Huh? Oh, yeah. I did. I guess, uh...you don't really need me anymore. I guess I can go n-_ " There was something like a loud _pop,_ and there was just silence afterwards.

 _Uh...hello?_ I thought. _Anybody home? You know, besides me?_ I got no reply.

"Huh." I grunted. "That was kinda anticlimactic." I'd honestly been expecting something more than just an abrupt eviction from my mind. I didn't even get to bake Rational-Me goodbye cookies. Well, I say _me,_ I really mean Pantheon. Seriously, one of the best days of my life was when I first tasted his chocolate-chip cookies. They are _heavenly._ But really, I was expecting a more dramatic exit on Rational-Me's part. I guess that at the very least I could just forget about it and move on. I was pretty relieved that no one would ever witness me talking to myself.

I elected to just shrug it off and roll with it. I looked up at Mount Targon, freezing cold. And without the ability to float. Yay.

"Almost there..." I murmured. "Just a little longer."

* * *

" _Damn, it's cold!_ " I swore as I climbed up the mountainside. And I mean _hella-cold._ It was so cold that I could barely feel my _everything._ And I do mean _everything._

I was about halfway up the mountain, from what I could see. I was scaling up the whole thing, feeling extremely grateful for Nidalee's climbing lessons. I would send her a thank-you card if I managed to survive. I was really tired. The wind kept battering at me, almost throwing me off every time. The only reason why I hadn't plummeted to my death yet was because of my enhanced strength. Seriously, this blizzard was akin to one of Janna's tornadoes times ten. I was kind of amazed that I'd even made it this far. Most people died barely a quarter of the way up.

My hands were quivering from the cold, the skin beginning to turn a pale shade of blue. Great. I was starting to acquire frostbite. The snowflakes whipping around were already getting in my eyes, so I could barely find handholds. This was just another fantastic turn of events to add to the pile. Lovely.

The wind howled as I climbed, causing my cloak to flap around wildly and nearly jerk me off the wall. I would've taken it off, but, y'know, I was freezing my ass off.

I _really_ needed to find a way to get warm somehow, or frostbite would just cause my hands to snap off. Then I'd die. And dying hurt.

A lightbulb flashed over my head as I came up with an idea. Freeing one hand from the cliff (which resulted in me almost falling off), I lit my hand on fire. The flames would be enough to get my hand back up to an acceptable temperature, allowing me to keep climbing.

At least, I _thought_ that's what would happen. In reality, nothing happened. Nothing at all. I didn't feel even the slightest change in warmth.

"What?" I looked at my free hand. "Well, come on, warm up already!" I shouted. " _Come on! I'm dying up here!_ "

Nothing. I tried the other hand, but there still wasn't any change.

 _Why isn't it-_ I stopped as I realized the problem. I began to chuckle in disbelief, before the sound evolved into a full-blown laugh, echoing across the mountain. What had I realized?

I was immune to extreme heat.

Fire couldn't warm me up in any way. It was hot, sure, but it was _too_ hot, hot enough for my body to go "Nuh-uh! I ain't letting this thing hurt me!" I could only get warm gradually, at a temperature that wasn't threatening to a regular person.

"Just my luck." I shook my head, still chuckling after cooling down. I was a little delirious, but that's what happens when you're stuck in a situation like this. Of all the times to ditch Rational-Me...

" _JUST MY GODDAMN LUCK!_ " I screamed up at the sky, my tone suddenly furious. My hair exploded into a massive bonfire, lighting up the area for miles around.

" _WITH THE LUCK I'VE BEEN HAVING, I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE UP NOW, ISN'T THAT RIGHT, SELENE?!"_ I continued. " _I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP AND DIE, IS THAT IT?!"_

Yeah, I was _pissed._ I hadn't been this angry in years. Even my previous outburst at Selene when I started writing this thing wasn't as vocal as this one. I was _done._ Just **_done._**

" _FOR BILLIONS OF YEARS I'VE HAD TO DEAL WITH YOU!"_ I screamed. " _YEARS AND YEARS AND **YEARS!** AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! FOR A LONG TIME I DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK YOU WERE AS CRUEL AS YOU LOOKED! I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE, JUST **MAYBE,** YOU WEREN'T ACTUALLY SUCH A BAD PERSON! BUT WITH EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME, WITH ALL THE NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES AND AGONY, **CLEARLY** I WAS WRONG! YOU'VE MADE ME SUFFER FOR **EVERY SINGLE STEP OF THE WAY,** AND I'VE **HAD** IT! I'M **DONE** WITH DEALING WITH YOUR BULLSHIT! YOU'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT A PAIN IN THE ASS EVER SINCE WE MET, AND FOR ALL THOSE YEARS OF **BARELY** MANAGING TO TOLERATE IT, I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT! **NOTHING AT ALL!**_ "

I screamed at the top of my lungs, before suddenly tearing up the mountain with an almost godlike fervor. My anger fueled me with an unnatural amount of energy, my hair actually spitting out bursts of flame as I climbed.

I climbed at that speed for a few minutes, before my anger gave out and I collapsed against the mountainside, panting heavily.

"Just...why..." I whispered. " _Why do you treat me like this? What did I do to deserve this?_ "

I was pretty banged up emotionally. Can you blame me? I'd been through a lot, and at that point it looked like I was actually going to die. There'd be no new abilities to save me, no allies close by, no shelter to rest in.

Emotionally, I was exhausted. Physically, I'd pretty much been broken. I was freezing, exhausted, and just about done with life.

My thoughts turned sluggish, my vision becoming blurry. I couldn't see, couldn't think, and most of all, I couldn't hold on.

Finger by finger, my hand slowly lost its grip. I leaned backwards, one arm stretched outwards as I began to topple down.

A hand grabbed my wrist, and my eyes caught a soft golden glow before I lost consciousness.

I'd been wondering when my old habit would resurface.

* * *

 _ **That's it for this chapter. You can probably guess who just saved Helios' ass. I feel like this was kind of a filler chapter, because nothing major really happened, unless you count that part with the gravity-thing and the bear. Gravity-manipulation feels like a proper power, to be honest. A lot of Helios' new abilities that he'll acquire will focus on aspects of stars that don't revolve around fire. Plus, I just HAD to make Helios do something manly,and there's nothing manlier that killing a bear by bitch-slapping it. Next chapter will have Leona freaking out, Helios getting mountains of free food, and depending on where I go with the chapter, Aurelion Sol getting scolded. Once again, apologies for those of you who were expecting a new chapter for my other story, and I hope you can understand. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	11. I Meet My Entourage (They're Awesome)

_**Wassup, guys and gals? I'm back again, and I think you know the drill by now. I'm back, and with a new chapter of what is lately appearing to be everybody's favorite League of Legends story! I feel incredibly grateful for all of your support for this so far, and I'm thrilled that all of my reviews have been positive. I haven't gotten any "hate-mail" for this yet, per sé, so I'd call that a win in my book! So, in this chapter, Helios will FINALLY meet, Leona, Pantheon, and the Solari. One of my reviewers asked that it would be nice if I could show Runeterra as populated by people other than champions, so that's what I'm gonna do. Ooh, and I can't forget the Rakkor either, can I? As you can imagine, there will be a lot of initial sucking-up to Helios, but our hero will, naturally, flag that as unnecessary, because having friends is better than having a crazed entourage.**_ _ **Now, shall we?**_

* * *

My vision was blurry as my eyes slowly opened, blinking a few times to adjust to the light (which was kind of a pity; I'd been hoping for built-in Me-glasses somewhere down the line).

I became slightly aware of a warm, wet sensation on my forehead, directly in the center. As my vision resumed it's typical Ultra-HD resolution (honestly, I hate it when the video feed is grainy after regaining consciousness), I found that a little girl was softly rubbing my forehead with a hot towel. That was nice of her. Even better, I wasn't dead. Three cheers for living!

(Screw you, Karthus, I don't care how many times you rant about how great being undead is, I'm not buying it. I value having a voice that doesn't kill people every time I sing a high note.

Yeah, not so haughty now, are you? That's what I thought.)

It wasn't Leona, which was a shame. She just appeared to be a typical Solari, and she only looked like she was five years old.

Now, before you go tearing at my throat because apparently the Solari recruit kids, let me explain. As you know, the Rakkor and Solari are connected. The Rakkor don't always like the Solari, but they still obey their commands. And as I'm sure you _also_ know, the Rakkor are big on fighting. So, here's the thing: if there are kids in the Rakkor that don't live up to their expectations, then the Solari step in to "adopt" them. This is actually a pretty new rule. It started when Leona took charge after Diana murdered the Solari elders. Bitch. Although, I'm actually not as mad about that as I should be. The elders were all dicks, anyways. They put up a lot of rules and stuff about worshipping me that I _totally_ didn't approve. Honestly, the fact that you guys were my entourage is good enough, you don't have to become a goddamn _cult._

The girl in question must've noticed my groan, because she instantly stopped wiping my head.

"Oh! You're up!" She said with a grin. "Hi, mister!" Instant affection for the little lady. Another reason why I'm so glad that Leona let kids in. They're just little rays of Me-shine. Nothing like a bit of boundless positivity to brighten someone's day, am I right?

You know what still holds the record for cuteness, though? Lux as a baby.

Oh.

My.

Gods.

I swear, her family nearly _died_ from the excessive overload of cuteness. I almost did, too. I mean, you should've _seen_ her back then. She was the most adorable thing _ever._ She actively sucked the depression out of whatever room she was in. She was the equivalent to all the cute cat videos in the world _combined._ Garen still has baby pictures. We gush over them when Lux isn't looking.

The girl had curly brown hair that went below her shoulders, and was wearing traditional Solari clothing. I myself was dressed in a simple white undershirt with white sweats, and pretty much nothing else (well, except underwear). I was lying on a bed, in a fairly ornate bedroom. Sun-themed (excellent taste in decorations on Leona's part), and pretty big too. It would take three people on each other's shoulders to reach the ceiling.

"Hey, kiddo." I said. "Have you seen my other clothes and my axe? I think I had them on before I fell unconscious."

"Oh, ummm..." The girl scrunched her face up as she tried to think. That was cute. Say what you will about welcoming kids into the ranks, but I regret _nothing._ "Miss Leona has them. Your big, um...axe! Your axe started to light up all weird when it went close to her sword, so she wanted to look at it!" Her face looked worried. "She looked..." She scrunched up her face again. "What's that other word for worried? Com...comvers...conser..."

"Concerned?" I asked.

"Yeah, that!" Her face brightened up. "Also, what's up with your eye, mister? Why's it lighting up like that?"

"Oh, this?" I pointed to my left eye. I grinned. "I lost my first eye in a fight with a big bug monster. I got this one to take its place."

She stuck out her tongue. "Yuck." I laughed.

"Yuck indeed." I leaned forward. "What's your name, squirt?"

"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours!" She said in a singsong voice. I just rolled my eyes with a smirk. Kids these days.

"I'm Helios." I stuck out a hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Heel-lee-os." She turned over each syllable in her head. "Ok, got it!" She took my hand, shaking it really hard like little kids tended to to. "Nice to meet you too, Helios! I'm Anya!"

I smiled. "That's a nice name, kiddo." I stretched, letting out a yawn. "Mind if I get up?"

Anya shook her head with a frown. "Miss Leona said you couldn't go until you were all better." Honestly, I was just gushing over this kid. Am I starting to rant? Yeah, but who cares? I was enveloped in cuteness.

I grinned. "But I _am_ all better. Watch this." I stood straight up on the mattress, then with a cry of "Allee-oop!" did a front flip over the rim, landing neatly on the floor. I struck a "Ta-Dah!" pose for Anya.

" _Woooooow!_ " She exclaimed excitedly, clapping her hands. "That was cool, mister Helios!"

"Thank you!" I took an exaggerated bow. The great thing about little kids is that they get excited at just about everything. It always feels good to show off a little in front of them because they'll always have a positive reaction. "I'm glad you liked it." I gestured towards the door, where my clothes were placed on a desk nearby. "Can I go now?"

"Umm...okay!" Anya replied. "You look better, so sure!"

I fetched my clothes and changed in the bathroom, heading out just as I was tucking my shirt down. "Hey, Anya, can you take me to see Leona?" I asked. "We need to talk about some things."

"Okay!" She agreed, opening the door. "Follow me!"

* * *

The Solari temple is a pretty awesome place. Golden walls and ceilings, all Me-themed in some way. It isn't overdone, though, so it isn't unbearable to see. There are windows, of course, but there are magical wards around them so the wind can't get in. Regular glass ain't gonna cut it.

There were Solari all around me as I followed Anya through the halls, all of them looking pretty busy. It's more of a community that you would think; worshipping yours truly doesn't take up 100% of your day, after all. A lot of my entourage were giving me funny looks as I passed. They must've heard about how I passed out near the entrance to their pad.

I accidentally bumped into Anya, who'd stopped. "What's up, kiddo?" I asked, but she didn't answer. In fact, _everybody_ was quiet.

The reason was because they were all staring at none other than Pantheon, the Artisan of War. I was kind of surprised to see him; he didn't make trips to the temple often. He usually preferred to stay with the Rakkor...at least in public. You can probably guess where he goes in private.

I also had the good fortune to be on the receiving end of his gaze. Two blazing red orbs, twelve o'clock, locked right at the center of my forehead.

I knew why he was looking at me: he knew _exactly_ who I was. You can't fool a deity when it comes to this sort of thing. Just because Pantheon was running around in a host body didn't mean he got dumber.

I gestured with my eyes at the Solari around us. _Not here. Not now._

He gave a slight nod to show his understanding, before gesturing with a flick of his head towards the direction me and Anya had been heading.

"I'll take it from here." He said. "You can go now, Anya."

"O-Okay, mister Pantheon." She squeaked, waving a quick goodbye before scampering off. Pantheon had that effect on most people. He wasn't trying to be intimidating, it just kinda happened.

I walked over to him, and we turned the corner into a hallway that was empty save for the two of us.

"Pantheon. Nice to talk to you again." I said as we walked.

"Lord Helios." He replied. I was pretty glad to chat with a deity again. It's nice to talk to someone who knows a lot about your previous life, like Kindred. I'm totally lucky to have Pantheon as my war god. You don't get any better than him; believe me, I've checked.

"How are you here?" He asked.

"Who do you think?" I replied snarkily.

"Selene? How?"

I shrugged. "Beats me."

"You always did have trouble paying attention, didn't you?" I couldn't see his face underneath the helmet, but I was pretty sure he had a smug smirk on his face.

"Oh, _come_ _on!_ I turn around for a few _years_ and suddenly Jinx and Kled pop up!" I complained. "How is that _my_ fault?"

"It means that Runeterra relies on you more than you think." Pantheon replied.

"Oh, stop, you're gonna make me blush." I smirked. "Does Leona know about me yet?"

He shook his head. "It wasn't my place to tell her. Besides, I would rather see the look on her face when you tell her yourself."

I laughed. "Yeah, I hope you brought a camera. Oh, and by the way, I don't suppose that you could bake me some of those cookies of yours sometime while I'm here, could you?"

"If you want. I know that Leona wouldn't mind." He said.

"She _did_ appreciate the gesture on your first date, didn't she?" Pantheon stiffened.

"Y-You..." I waved him off. "It's your life, Pantheon. Do what you want with it, it's not my place to tell you otherwise. Besides, you two are a cute couple."

He shook his head in response. "Remind me how I got _you_ as my boss again?"

"Because I'm awesome and really nice?" I asked.

"Right. That." He agreed. We finally arrived at the door to Leona's room, which had a golden glow coming out from the crack underneath.

"She's been examining that axe of yours for hours, trying to figure out why it's reacting to her Zenith Blade." Pantheon explained. "Shall we enlighten her?"

"Yeah, let's." I replied.

* * *

Leona took it as well as you might expect.

Wide-eyed gasp, steadying herself against the table, requiring verbal support from Pantheon, it was kind of satisfying, in a way. Specifically, the part where she was now kneeling in front of me with the tip of her sword on the ground. It's kind of nice to have someone suck up to you after nearly dying. But only slightly so. I prefer friends instead of servants.

"Forgive me, my Lord!" She said. "If I had known who you were, I would've-"

"What's there to forgive?" I asked. "You didn't know it was me, and that's fine. Besides, I only just woke up a little while ago. It's not like you've offended me or anything."

She looked up at me inquisitively. "What?" Kind of a weird reply, but I understood where she was coming from. She was probably expecting the "oh loyal servant, bring thine sacrifice hither" personality.

I shrugged. "Seriously, it's fine. Nothing happened. In fact, you don't even really have to kneel. It feels nice when people fangirl over me, but I still prefer having people to talk to casually."

Leona stood, eyeing me warily. "I'll admit, I've been wondering when this day would come, but I never expected you to be so-"

"Casual?" I grinned. "Easygoing?"

She nodded. "Right." She walked back over to the table, handing me my axe. "Why are you here?" She asked as I took it, slinging it over my back. "Are we in danger? Have you come to offer us advice?"

I shook my head. "The exact opposite, actually. _I'm_ the one that needs _your_ help."

"Really?" Her eyebrows raised. "With what?"

I deadpanned. "Oh, gee, I don't know, how about the fact that I'm stuck in a human form?"

Leona winced. "I'm sorry, my Lord, I didn't mean to be so thoughtless."

I just waved her off, placing a hand on her shoulder. "It's fine. Just like I said, I'm a lot more laid back than other deities. I'm not just gonna go and vaporize you for no good reason." I smiled. "And please, just call me Helios. I'm not really the Lord of anything right now."

Leona turned to Pantheon for reassurance. He nodded. She took a deep breath, before looking back at me with that signature radiant smile of hers. "Alright then, Helios, what do you need?"

"Do you still have access to those old Lunari temples? I need to make a little visit to a few." I said.

Her eyes narrowed in curiosity. "What would you want with the Lunari?"

"Well, since it was the moon that put me here, I figure that the old temples might have a few pieces of info that could help me." I explained. "Also, if they don't, I'mma trash the place. It'll feel good to rub that in Selene's face?"

She raised an eyebrow. " _I'mma trash the place?_ "

I shrugged with a sheepish grin. "Screw eloquent speech, I prefer being straight to the point." Leona giggled.

"That must be fun for the other gods to hear." She replied.

"Yeah, we always have a blast at get-togethers." I said, before something caught my attention. "Wait, hold on. Are we going to tell the other Solari about me? I'm not sure how they would react..."

Leona's mental gears churned for a moment. "I suppose I could just tell them you're a close friend. They're pretty trusting of me; they won't think too much of my explanation."

I nodded. "Are we ready to go, then? I have a moon to kill, and preferably very painfully."

"Of course." Leona replied. "Just allow me to burn the proper sacrifices to the sun so that we will be safe on our journey."

Me and Pantheon both waited for her mental gears to turn again. "Oh. Right." She said embarrassingly. She looked at me expectantly. "Is there, um...something you would prefer?"

"Well..." I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly. "I haven't had any breakfast yet. I hear Pantheon makes good pancakes, and you apparently work wonders with meat, so...could I maybe get some chocolate-chip pancakes with bacon?"

"Absolutely." She said.

* * *

I chewed on another bite, savoring the sweet taste. "These are _magnificent._ " I said, after I swallowed. "Can I get your recipe?"

"Sorry, trade secret." Pantheon replied, slipping a piece of bacon in between the cracks in his helmet. "Can't go giving out my techniques, now can I?"

It was kinda funny to watch him eat with his helmet on. Seriously, the guy almost _never_ takes it off. The only times he does is when he goes to sleep and when he's with Leona in private. And a word of warning: I wouldn't recommend trying to sneak a look while he's in bed. Not only would that make you a peeping tom, but you'd have a spear wedged up your asshole by the time you managed to escape. There was this one time where Graves dared Volibear to rip off Pan's helmet. To this day, Volibear won't stop shivering in his sleep. I should know; Ahri snuck into his room afterwards one night and filmed him with her phone for half an hour. The poor guy was almost shedding. I'd feel sorry for him, but I was a bit too busy laughing my ass off.

(Also, Pantheon has requested that I leave out the details of what he looks like if I put in parts where he takes off his helmet around me. Because we're totally bros, I'm obligated to honor that request. You know how it is, Bro Code and all that. In fact, the Golden Rule of the Bro Code kinda helps a lot when I'm playing matchmaker around the Institute. You know which rule I mean. I can't say it out loud, because I don't want Kolminye to kill me.)

"You know, part of me doesn't want to leave Runeterra." I said, taking a sip of hot cocoa (oh yeah, Leona is also a _master_ when it comes to that). "I'm gonna miss having a mouth."

"Then why not just stay?" Leona asked. "I can understand why you would want to destroy Selene, but aren't you technically having your revenge by enjoying yourself down here? I would imagine she would be very frustrated at that."

I shrugged. "You might have a point, but I'm also mortal while I'm human. And I really have no idea as to what'll happen if I die. For all I know, my previous body might explode. And since I am _very_ fond of Runeterra, I'm going to have to get back to my body to ensure that the planet survives the next few billion years."

Leona nodded. "That sounds fair." She said, before resting her chin on her palm. "Although, I can't say I'm not disappointed that you won't stay a _little_ longer. Several champions at the Institute would've loved to meet you."

"Kalista, for instance." I replied. "Man, I got lucky the day she became the Spirit of Vengeance. I'd always kinda wanted one of those. Let me tell you about this one planet that got a guy with a flaming skull for a head..."

And that was how the morning went. Leona asked some questions, I answered them, she spewed hot cocoa at some of the responses I gave (if you think divine history is 100% serious, then you've got another thing coming), it was great.

And it only got better when we kicked down the door to the Lunari temple.

* * *

"If there's one thing that I hate the most about the Lunari, it's how everything they did was overly elaborate." I mused, as I looked up at the doors to the temple. We were on a rocky slope of the mountain, wind and snow blowing all around us in the shadow of the large cave in front. We'd had to climb down a little ways to get there, but we'd managed to get down safely, aided by my recently acquired powers of gravity, which I used to slow my fall whenever I had to drop. The doors in front of us were huge, easily three times as tall as Pantheon, from the tip of his helmet to the soles of his boots (I was beginning to sense a recurring theme. Honestly, what is it with people and large doors? Ever heard of a revolving door? Or at least a sliding glass door?). Not only that, but the doors were made of pure silver, which is pretty much the tackiest metal ever in large enough amounts. Gold is a much better choice of material. Especially when it's accented by either red or blue.

"So, how do we get in?" I asked, looking at the massive bolts blocking the door. "I don't suppose there's a key or anything, is there?"

"Unfortunately, no." Leona replied. "Only a Lunari can open them. They're far too heavy to move otherwise."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, _naturally_ Selene's entourage would have something this overly elaborate. She has a knack for that sorta thing." I smirked. "Luckily for us, I happen to prefer the simple yet effective route."

"And _how_ exactpy does that help?" Pantheon drily asked. "What are you going to do, kick down the heavily-bolted door?"

"As a matter of fact, Pantheon, _yes,_ I am." I replied, rolling my left leg around a few times.

"You can't be serious." Leona said disbelievingly. "Besides, there's a chance that Diana may be waiting for us on the other end."

"Wait, what? Really?" I said.

"Yes." Leona replied. "This is the biggest Lunari temple on the mountain. This is the most likely place to possess knowledge in regards to your condition. However, since Diana worships the moon, and always disappears when the League ends, she probably comes here."

"Which means that she may be about to pull a one-woman gank on us." I summarized.

"Yep."

"Good." Setting my axe down on the slope, I leapt forward, kicking with every ounce of strength I had, which was enough to knock the door off its hinges. " _KNOCK KNOCK, DIANA! I'M RECKLESS AS HELL AND ITCHING FOR A BEATDOWN!_ "

"Is he for real?" Leona whispered to Pantheon, after recovering from the initial shock.

"Unfortunately, yes." He responded. "Helios is anything _but_ serious most of the time."

"I heard that, lovebirds." I called as I picked up my axe. "If you're done _gazing into each other's_ eyes, I'd like to get a move on."

As you can imagine, hearing them splutter and cough in protest is always worth the effort. Romance Lesson Time, ladies and gentlemen: when two people who are secretly interested in each other get flustered when someone implies that they're interested, that means that it'll only take a simple nudge to get them dating.

(Katarina's calling bullshit. Say that again when I remind you of how you'd lose your cool every time someone said that you were into Garen, which turned out to be true.

Guess who just shut up and has a face as red as her hair right now. Honestly, sometimes it's just too easy.)

I peered into the darkness below. Some genius had decided to wreck all the stairs, which meant it was a sheer drop seven stories down.

I sighed. "Welp, no one said it was gonna be easy." Despite Leona's cry of "No, wait!" I leapt down, with a loud " _TALLY-HOOOOOOO!_ " Because really, why not? The only time someone's ever said that was when Caitlyn accidentally got drunk. Many clichés were fulfilled that day. Vi got a riot out of that one, let me tell you.

When I was about two stories away from becoming a Me-Pancake (which most likely would've tasted awful, but Kog'Maw probably wouldn't've minded), I pulled out my axe and slammed it into the wall, sparks flying down the sides as I slowed my descent. Sure, I could've used my gravity powers, but I hadn't tried them from seven stories high yet, and I wasn't about to push my luck. Also, it looked really cool when I used my axe instead. Gotta get 'dem style points, you know?

"Well?" I called up. "Come on down!"

"How?!" Leona replied. "My sword can't do that!"

"Just get Pantheon to carry you on the way down!" I offered.

Cue the flustered spluttering. Now, for most people that wouldn't have been such a big issue, but Leona and Pantheon aren't exactly skilled in the art of retaliatory banter. Even after all this time, they're _still_ super embarrassed about being open with their relationship. Not that this isn't to my and Ahri's advantage, but still.

"Fine, _I'll_ do it!" I shouted. "I'll just warp gravity around you so that you just float down!"

"You can do that?" She asked.

"Worth a try!" I answered.

"And what happens if you drop us?" Leona asked.

"Well, then I'll get Persephone to arrange a nice spot for you in the afterlife, no big deal!" I replied.

"Who's Persephone?"

"Never mind, just trust me and jump!" (AN: HOLD ON, BOYS AND GIRLS, HOLD ON! Before you get triggered, I'll explain in the notes at the end of the chapter!)

I could almost hear Leona's exasperated sigh from where I was. I could slightly hear Pantheon's words of reassurance, because the next thing I knew the both of them were hurtling right towards me. Narrowing my eyes, I focused, extending both arms out in front of me.

Do you know what controlling someone else's gravity feels like? It's weird. For me, it's like there was a tangible air bubble around Leona and Pantheon, one that was thick enough for me to feel. It's like how you can tell when there's a lot of dust in the air just because it's ever-so-slightly thicker than regular oxygen. Anyways, I basically imagined myself grabbing both of their air bubbles, then dragging them upwards. The effect was almost immediate, the two of them stopping just before they hit the ground.

"Success!" I yelled, pumping both fists in the air. "I didn't accidentally kill the both of you!"

"Isn't that nice." Pantheon drily replied. "Now could you please put us down?" Funnily enough, as a little side-effect of my gravitational tampering, the two of them were beginning to slowly orbit around me.

"I don't know." I mused, placing a hand on my chin in contemplation. "I kinda like being the center of attention."

"You already _are_ the center of attention at the Solari temple, Helios." Leona deadpanned. "I don't think you need any more than that."

"Fair point." I conceded, dropping them both. "Now, shall we?"

* * *

The Lunari temple was pretty big, which in my opinion was all it had going for it.

The lighting system was horrendous, for one thing. Instead of using fire to light the torches, somehow they'd managed to use moonlight as a replacement. Overdone, much? See, this was one of the reasons why I'd had the Lunari wiped out-

Oops, did I not mention that? Yeah, I'm pretty much the reason why the Lunari are virtually nonexistent nowadays. Here's basically how it went down: I was reveling in the fact that I had an entourage (and why wouldn't I, people were acknowledging for the first time how cool I was), when all of a sudden Selene has a "completely original" idea and creates an entourage of her own. Despite my immediate outbursts (and possibly along with the wreckage of a few solar systems), I managed to at least _tolerate_ it at first. They weren't doing anything other than sucking up to Selene, and as far as I was concerned, so long as they didn't do anything stupid they were fine.

Of course, just a short while afterwards (from my point of view, at least), I find out that they've been sneaking around and secretly converting my entourage to the Lunari. As you can imagine, I didn't like that very much. But the time that I finally snapped was when they declared war on the Solari. Convert or die was basically their motto for the whole thing, which in reality only lasted a few days. I took one look at the bastards, took another look at Kindred, and said "You know what to do."

Admittedly, that was the _only_ other time I used Kindred for anything besides Mordekaiser. And just so you know that I'm not a heartless bastard, the Lunari were all total pricks, and I'm not even exaggerating. Selene's snobby and stuck-up attitude must've rubbed off on them, and rest assured, there were no kids involved. The Lunari were stingy about that sorta thing, which ironically made it a lot easier to snuff out the lot of them.

Oh, you should've _seen_ the way Selene took it. I almost shed a tear, it was so beautiful. Ignore that bullshit about revenge being a dish best served cold. For me, flaming hot's the way to go.

So, as I was saying, the Lunari temple was all _kinds_ of tacky. The whole thing was garishly covered in silver, with depictions of Selene everywhere you looked. At least the Solari temple was subtle about praising me. It was warm and inviting, plus there was free food. The Lunari temple was the exact opposite: stern, cold, and imposing, if you can call it that. It also had a massive library, filled with all sorts of misconceptions about Selene's superiority, fitted with silver covers and pages (why anyone even put effort into making them that way, I have no idea). As painful as reading them was going to be, it was necessary in order for me to reverse what had happened.

So, with the biggest, most exasperated groan I could muster, I reached up towards one of the books on the shelves. "Well, I suppose we might as well star-" I stopped, my head slightly twitching to the side while my eyes narrowed.

"What?" Leona asked. "What is it?"

I slowly lowered my arm, looking back towards her with a frown. "We aren't alone in here."

" _Diana._ " She scowled. "How can you tell?"

"I can smell Selene's scent all the way from here." I replied. "It's coming from that door over there." I gestured to (go figure) another set of doors at the front end of the library.

"The moon has a _scent?_ " Leona asked.

"Well, not a _scent,_ it's more like-" I let out a short sigh as I tried to explain it. "Whenever Selene was around, she'd give off a very distinct vibe. A cold, bright, arrogant feeling, that basically said 'I'm better than you and I know it.' It's hard to explain, but over the years I've gotten better at telling the difference between that feeling and when things are normal. It's basically the exact opposite of the Solari temple's current vibe, which basically says 'Hey, come on in, everybody! We might party at any moment, but in the meantime just enjoy yourself!'" I wasn't joking when I said that. Go to the Solari temple if you don't believe me, you'll see what I mean.

"But enough about that." I continued. "Right now, we need to kick Diana's ass. It'll be very satisfying to rub that fact in Selene's face just before I'm done killing her." Leona nodded her consent, and we silently sprinted towards the door. As we stood on both sides, I gave a silent count to three, before Pantheon bashed the door open with his shield. We filed in, weapons drawn.

It looked like we were in some sort of meditation room. There was a circular dais on the floor, with all sorts of ugly lunar inscriptions on it (maybe I'm a little biased, but you get my point). Statues of what were apparently Selene in human form surrounded the area, and a mural on the ceiling had been enchanted to look like the night sky, complete with Ultra-Bitch herself in the center. Her smug face was evident even on a goddamn _mural._ It looked like her bitchiness was universal. Just my luck. In between the statues, an opening in the wall appeared, with a narrow ledge leading to the snowstorm outside, presumably so that Lunari could pray to Selene. I was going to be sick.

And in the center of the dais sat none other than Diana, the Scorn of the Moon, her back to us with her Crescent Blade laying across her lap. I always thought that Scorn of the Moon was a weird title. As far as I'm aware, Selene doesn't really _have_ scorn, just snobbishness. Moon Bitch would be a more fitting title.

"She said that you would come." Diana said, not even glancing towards us. "That my mistress' greatest enemy would come to defile sacred ground." Oh joy, Selene had decided to make a little "divine intervention." Bitch. It's been a while since I said that.

"Oh, is that so?" I snarled. "Did she mention the part where I kick your ass and get what I came for?"

"And there's the sarcastic one-liner, just as my mistress predicted." Diana replied. I could see the faint smirk on her ugly mug from where I was standing. I was _so_ gonna enjoy wiping it off. "I can see what she meant when she said that you relied on those to cover up your own stupidity."

"OH, IT IS _SO_ ON, YOU LITTLE-" I started, before Leona interrupted me, shaking her head. I was kinda surprised. Typically it was her that got riled up around Diana. Then again, my temper far outclassed hers, so I guess _someone_ had to mediate, and Pantheon sure as hell wasn't going to do it.

"Diana, we aren't here to fight." Leona said. "We're just looking for information. We'll just look around, and leave if we don't find anything. There's no need for violence."

Diana snorted, before going into a full-blown cackle, which ominously echoed across the temple walls. Did I mention that Diana's a little, uh...insane? If you've heard her make a joke, then you'll understand. They usually make fun of other people's misfortune, like dying and loneliness and all that crap. No one's laughed once, not even the people who enjoy pain and suffering like Sion and Lissandra.

(Sarah's cracking up at the little 'misfortune' bit. Honestly, grow up, Sarah.

Yeah, yeah, I know, it isn't fun to do that, but I'm in the middle of something, here! Why don't you go torment Gangplank with pirate songs or something?

Aaaaaaand she's gone. Planky's gonna try to kill me later, I just know it.)

"Oh, I'm afraid that I can't let you do that." Diana picked up her blade, moonlight (baaarrrrrffff) hungrily gleaming across the tip. "You see, I know the _real_ reason why you're here." She pointed the tip at me. "It's to put _him_ back in the sky." Not only was I slightly offended at her pointing a sword at me, that was rude, but I also got a close-up of her horrendous eye-makeup (Ahri's tried to patch it up, but Diana won't budge).

" _And?_ " I said. "So what?"

"Once you return to your solar form, you intend to kill my mistress, don't you?" She asked. The funny thing was that she actually looked hurt. What, was she gonna be Taliyah's replacement for stubbornness now? "You intend to kill the moon."

"You bet I am." I stepped forward, undaunted. "She's had it coming for a _looooooong_ time, and I'm going to deliver."

"You have no idea of what you speak of!" Diana barked. "My lady Selene is the fairest, purest, most regal-" Oh, _gods,_ I was _not_ in the mood to listen to that. I'd already had to listen to Selene rant about herself for billions of years, I wasn't about to hear someone else do it for her.

"Yeah, I'mma have to stop you there." I said. "See, this isn't up for debate. We are goingto _find_ the book I need, I am going to get _back_ to my previous body, and then I am gonna whip the _shit_ out of Selene."

I walked right up to Diana, inches from her face. _"Is. That. **Clear?**_ "

She then spit right in my face. Directly between my eyeballs.

And that's when all hell broke loose.

* * *

 _ **I don't think I have to tell you that Diana dun goofed, do I? Yeah, she's gonna regret her decision next chapter, just you wait.**_

 _ **Also, to explain further about earlier, yes, I made a reference to HoneyBadgerDCFF's original character, Persephone, the incarnation of death. I actually have a reason for this. If you go to my reviews page, you'll see that my bro Badger left a really nice review. But something caught my eye:**_

 _ **Helios and Persephone should hang out.**_

 _ **That got me thinking. And I decided: why not? It would be cool to have a crossover, wouldn't it? So, I put in the reference. But it's the only one I'll put in for this story. This way, it's just enough of a reference to leave open options for a crossover, but also enough so that it can be forgotten in the case that the crossover doesn't happen. Badger, if you're open to a bit of a crossover fic, just like one chapter with a few shenanigans, PM me, and we can work something out. Next chapter will have Diana getting her ass whipped, Helios FINALLY chewing out Aurelion Sol, and people sucking up to our hero (because Aurelion's arrival won't exactly be subtle). Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	12. Diana and Aurelion Invoke My Wrath

_**So, here we are again, I don't have to tell you. Last chapter, Diana dun goofed and decided to show some disrespect. You can probably guess how our hero is going to take it. Not only will Diana get whipped, but Helios is gonna chew out Aurelion Sol. I haven't seen many fics that include the Big Guy, so rest assured that I'll try to stay as accurate to his personality as I possibly can. Luckily for me, the LoL wiki has plenty of voice lines and character interactions, so that shouldn't be too hard. This will also lead to Helios' identity as the sun being made public, because a guy berating a giant space-dragon tends to turn a few heads. I'm not gonna keep you from reading any longer, so go ahead. Enjoy.**_

* * *

I didn't that little show of disrespect very well. It's one thing to verbally insult somebody else (because usually that leads to retaliatory banter, which I find hilarious). It's another to _spit in somebody's face._

So, guess where Diana ended up after salivating on me.

Go on, guess.

Wait, I won't be able to hear your reply. Whoops. I'll just tell you.

She ended up flying straight through the wall.

I didn't even put that much effort into it. I just wiped the spit off my face, grabbed Diana by the throat, and tossed her right into the stone wall behind me. I must've put more effort into it than I thought, because she just careened right into the library. I wordlessly followed, drawing my axe.

Diana held up her Crescent Blade just in time to block an overhead swing. It appeared, to my great disappointment, that my axe couldn't cut through weapons imbued with Selene's power. Typical. On the bright side, I could finally get some good practice in.

She recovered just as I made another swing from her right side, sparks flying as our blades ricocheted off one another again and again. I was swinging my axe as fast as my old spear, twirling it around like a Whirling Baton of Death.

Saaaaaayyyyyyy, now _there's_ a cool name! Whirling Baton of Death! That could work!

(Oh, come _on,_ Leona, really? No? Fine. The hunt for the perfect title continues. Maybe I could get Rengar to help me out...)

Diana was retaliating with a few swipes of her own, her Crescent Blade flashing with I-dare-you-to-guess-who's-light. Both of us were going _at it._ Diana kinda had something resembling Selene's smug and ugly mug (rhyming, much?), so I was using that to vent a little. It felt good.

Diana ducked under a swipe from my axe, which resulted in a bookcase behind us getting cleaved in half. "Aw, hell!" I whined. "I was going to read those!"

"Better for them to be destroyed than for you to defile them!" Diana snarled, taking advantage of my momentary distraction. She managed to nick my left shoulder blade, causing me to gasp at the sudden pain. It hurt a _lot_ more than it should've. It was like someone briefly soaked my shoulder in acid.

" _Augh! **Son of a-**_ " I bit back a curse as I bent over, one hand clutching my shoulder. "What the _hell?"_

"You are vulnerable to the moon's light." I didn't like the look Diana was giving me. It was kinda like when Nidalee's eyeing the last piece of bacon at breakfast. "It won't be difficult to kill you. Excellent."

"Who's...version...of excellent..." I managed to gasp. "Are we talking about here?!"

"Mine, obviously." Diana replied. "My mistress was right; you _are_ stupid."

Well, I'd just found my motivation for the day.

I growled, before thrusting my hand outward. A wall of force slammed into Diana, knocking her off her feet. "Sweet." I said. "I'm really getting the hang of this gravity thing." I crouched low. "But I think it's time we returned to the classics."

I thrust out my hand, a jet of flame bursting from the palm. Diana swerved out of the way in between a few bookcases, but as a result several volumes of _Why Selene is the Best_ behind her caught fire. Not that I was complaining.

" _Infidel!_ " Diana roared. "Do you have any idea what those books are _worth?!_ "

"Is that a rhetorical question?" I asked. "Because I don't really care. Also, I thought you didn't mind me wrecking them, because that way I won't get my mitts on them, and did you really just use the word _infidel?_ " Seriously, the last time I'd heard that word being spoken out loud was more than a decade ago.

Diana's eyes narrowed menacingly, before she swung her blade to the side. A bolt of silver energy flashed out in an arc, aiming at my right flank. A Crescent Strike, huh? Well, at least she thought I was worth the effort. Leona and Pantheon were just letting me do my thing, too. First rule of having a star as a friend: never interrupt him when he's beating the shit out of someone who deserves it.

I deflected the bolt with my axe, causing it to ricochet into another set of books.

"Infidel!" I retorted. "Do you have any idea what those books are _worth?!_ " I was in the mood, sue me.

Diana screamed in outrage before rushing straight at me, swinging her sword in a crazed frenzy.

"Temper, temper!" I chided. "Has anyone ever told you it's rude to swing a sword at people?"

"Shut up!" She growled, our blades locking together. "I'll show you the true power of my mistress!"

"Oooohhhh...kay?" I raised an eyebrow. "Kind of a random thing to say when we're fighting, don't you think?"

She kneed me in the chest, making me stumble, before raising her sword above her head. What, she was going to guillotine me? That was rude of her. I liked my head where it was.

"Whoa there, girl!" I blocked her incoming strike with the shaft of my axe. "You need to watch where you're waving that thing! I could've died just then!"

" _ **Shut up!**_ " Diana screamed, wildly hacking away at my defenses. She just kept hitting the same spot over and over again, though. I don't think she was paying attention. Part of me thought that it was kinda weird at how she was just losing it. What, had Selene taught her how to overreact too?

"Nah, don't feel like it." I replied, weaving around behind her before kicking her in the back, causing her to eat the pavement. "I mean, I'm kinda bored right now, so I thought I'd try to make an attempt at conversation. What, it is not working?"

She propped herself up on her sword, then turned around to lash out with three separate Crescent Strikes. I spun my axe around me, deflecting the first two, but the third caught me in the chest. I dropped my axe as the bolt hit me like a wrecking ball, sending my flying into a bookcase near the far side of the room, which promptly fell over and started a domino effect on several other cases.

"Okay..." I picked myself up from the wreckage, brushing a few splinters off my shoulders. "You like to shoot stuff from your fancy toy, huh?"

I rushed forward, grabbing my axe as I ran. I skidded to a stop, before holding it two-handed over my shoulder.

" _YOU TRY IT!_ " I yelled, swinging it backhanded at Diana. A blast of fire erupted from the blade, slamming into Diana like a freight train. Which, by the way, is _totally_ more effective than a wrecking ball. I think.

(AN: What Helios just did is basically like Reinhardt's Fire Strike in Overwatch. It seemed like an appropriate thing for Helios to be able to do.)

I don't know how I knew that would happen. Instinct, I guess. Plus I wanted to do something really cool. And it looked like I did, based on how Diana flew past Leona and Pantheon, all the way to the edge of the cliff outside. I am _so_ adding that one to the montage video later.

Diana shakily rose to her feet, her body singed and charred, along with a few scrapes and bruises from the impact of my attack. The ends of her hair had a few embers here and there, too. I was tempted to point them out as the three of us approached, but I decided that it would ruin the moment.

She stumbled forward, swinging her sword in a clumsy arc towards my neck. I leaned to the side, wrapping my arm around hers before sharply pulling upwards at a diagonal angle, just as Nidalee had taught me. Diana cried out as her arm snapped, her sword clattering to the ground. Remarkably, she didn't stop, groping at the handle of her sword with her free hand. She picked it up, the blade visibly trembling along with her hand.

"Diana, come on." I sighed. "Just give it up. We'll stop if you stop, I promise." You might be wondering why that fight went easier than expected. Well, for one thing, she got cocky. That may sound stereotypical, I know, but it happens a lot more than you think. It's easy to underestimate your opponent, and even easier to lose your cool in a fight and get sloppy. Diana would've done a lot better if she'd been completely focused the whole time. But alas, what could she do when I decided to run my mouth like a total ass? Granted, I didn't run my mouth as much as I'd like to believe, but it's significantly easier when your opponent's crazy.

" _You...are all...blasphemers!_ " Diana wheezed, not letting go of her sword. " _This...is... **heresy!**_ "

"This is Targon." Pantheon replied, kicking her over the edge. Her screams echoed across the mountainside as she fell into the blizzard below, her sword plummeting after her.

"You've been saving that one for years, haven't you?" Leona smirked.

 _"No!"_ Pantheon haughtily replied, before murmuring _"...Yes."_

"Uh..." I peered over the cliff. "Is she going to be okay?" I asked. "You _do_ know that you aren't allowed to kill other champions, right?"

"Diana will survive." He replied. "She has been through worse than this (which I can vouch for, I was watching for a few such instances). However, it will be a long time before she recovers from that blow to her pride."

"I'm frankly astounded that you managed to defeat her so easily." Leona remarked. "I typically have to be at my best when fighting her."

"Yeah, but I have the advantage of being an ass when I'm in the mood." I shrugged. "Plus, once a crazy person gets angry they make stupid decisions." I clapped my hands together. "Now, shall we? There are a few fires I need to put out, and then we've got some propaganda to read!"

* * *

" _$# &-ING **NOTHING!**_ " I screamed, hurling the book across the room. Due to my enhanced strength, it ended up burying itself into the wall. Leona looked up from her reading, startled by the resulting vibrations.

I was _incredibly_ pissed off. So much so that I was slowly starting to melt the stone under me from where I sat (I absolutely refused to sit in those hideous Selene-themed chairs).

The three of us had been reading for more than two hours by then, and it had been absolute _agony._ I mean, can you _imagine_ what I had to go through? _Every single book_ in the library revolved around Selene. They all "explained" why she was "vastly superior" to me, and how she played the dominant role in people's everyday lives. As _if._

The logic was pretty flawed too, from what I could ever-so-reluctantly see. There wasn't any actual science in any of the books we read. In fact, some so-called "facts" were pretty much made-up. I'll admit it, there are several books in the Solari library that suck up to me a lot. But the difference is that there's actual reasoning behind why I'm so awesome. I make crops grow! I keep everybody from freezing to death (less effectively in the Freljord, admittedly, but still)! I _made the world!_

There's also the fact that I make sure all the beach boys out there get a good tan. You're welcome for that, by the way. All of those babes that chase you around because of your gorgeousness? Totally because of me. When it comes to picking a wingman, you can't do better than yours truly. Plus I'm the reason why sunglasses exist. Sunglasses make you look cool. Again, ultimate wingman.

And Selene? She doesn't have much going for her, although she'd never admit it. She coined the term "mooning." You know, when you bare your naked ass to someone? Congratulations, Selene. You're famous for looking like somebody's buttcheek. I hope you're satisfied.

And the reason why I was so angry? Because after looking through all that propaganda, I hadn't found a single clue as to how Selene turned me into a human.

Nothing.

Nada.

Zilch.

Zip.

Zero.

Rien.

Kudos to Fiora for teaching me that one, by the way.

There was _nothing._ Nothing at all.

I stomped right over to a nearby bookcase and kicked it over with a scream of rage, causing a domino effect and knocking over several other cases. In fact, pretty much all of them. They'd been kind of arranged funny.

"Damn it, _Damn it, **DAMN IT!**_ " I screamed, slamming my fist into a table and smashing it to splinters. I cut my hand a little, but you know how it is when you're really angry and high on adrenaline. _"HELIOS SMASH!"_ and all that.

I slumped against the wall, pinching the bridge of my nose. I stared down at my hands, realizing for the first time how weird it was to have them. I'd gone most of my life without limbs. When I'd been banished to Runeterra (seriously, Selene, what the hell?), I'd never really thought about my "new lodgings." I knew that it would only be temporary, after all. Why bother thinking about it?

But now, I knew that it was _permanent._ I was stuck like this for the rest of my life.

 _"We're_ _screwed._ " I whispered, cradling my face in my hands. "We are _so, so screwed._ "

"Helios, this is _not the end._ " Leona was suddenly at my side, a hand on my shoulder. "Everything will be-"

"You don't get it, Leona." I snapped, causing her to flinch. "I'm _stuck like this._ Forever. What do you think will happen if I die, huh? My _body might explode._ Either that, or just burn out. Neither of those options are good. Option one means that the planet blows up. Option two means that the planet freezes over. Even the Freljord isn't that cold."

"It's not _me_ that I'm worried about, Leona." I said, staring at the ground with a gaunt expression. "It's _everyone else._ I just want my planet to survive as long as it can." I looked up at her, worried. "How do you think I'm supposed to handle the fact that Runeterra might not be around for much longer after I die? At the most, it's got until I die of old age."

She stared at me sympathetically, before reaching over to wrap me in a hug. I clung to the fabric of her clothing, letting her rock me back and forth a little. I was definitely glad to have someone like her at my back. It's part of being a Solari; warm hugs are mandatory. I even had them take classes.

"We _will_ find a way, Helios." She whispered. "Your power has grown exponentially over the months, right? Maybe one day you'll be strong enough to return, but for now..." Leona hugged me a little tighter. " _Live._ Enjoy yourself. Know what it means to be human."

"Yeah..." I shakily nodded. "Yeah. Okay."

"Good." She pulled away, smiling at me. "You know, I have a suggestion: why not come with me and Pantheon to the Institute of War? Being a champion would certainly be a good way to pass the time."

"Huh." I looked away, turning over the idea in my head. A champion, huh? I couldn't say that the offer didn't sound appealing. There were plenty of people I was pretty much dying to meet in person at the Institute, including a few champions that were aware of my existence.

Plus, there were two _other_ people that I had to see, both of them urgent. But you'll see who they are later. (AN: So far, nobody has managed to guess who Helios' granddaughter is, and I am _loving it!_ Part of me's kinda shocked, the answer seems so easy to me. Maybe you'll slap your foreheads and go 'duh!' when I make the big reveal, but until then, onward!)

I sighed, looking back at Leona. "Alright, what the hell?" I said. "I'm in."

"Great!" She beamed at me. "Once we return to the temple, I will notify Ms. Kolminye. She will be very excited to meet you."

"Leona. Helios." Pantheon called from across the room. "You may want to see this."

"What?" I stood up. "What is it?"

"Something that could mean a whole lot of trouble." He replied. The two of us walked in through the door he was gesturing to. The room inside was just about empty, and large enough to fit in a whale. The only thing inside was a glowing circlet propped up on a pedestal, both of which were large enough to take up half the room.

"What is _that?_ " Leona asked. "It looks like some sort of crown."

"It's kinda big to be a crown, don't you think?" I said. "Although, it looks like just the right size for-"

My eyes were blown wide open. "Oh, _**shit.**_ "

I turned back to Leona. "This was _Aurelion's_ crown. The one made of dwarf stars."

Their eyes went as wide as mine. "You mean-?"

I nodded. "Yeah, the one that was used to control his mind." I looked back up at the crown with a scowl. "I'd always wondered what had happened to the damn thing."

Surprise! The Lunari were responsible for manhandling Aurelion Sol! What, you think the _Solari_ would've done something like that? Hell no. I mean, I'm a star. Aurelion Sol _creates_ stars. For a living. As the creator of the entity my peeps worship, Aurelion got über-respect. Enslaving his mind with a crown made of stars doesn't exactly fall into that category.

"What do we do with it?" Leona asked. "We can't just leave it here. What if it gets used again?"

I hummed, propping my elbow on one arm with a hand to my chin. "Well...it would help with a little communication, if you know what I mean."

"You want to...?" Pantheon gestured to the crown.

"Yeah." I nodded. "Get me Aurelion."

* * *

"Mister Helios?" Anya said, tugging at the fabric of my pants. "Are we gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, kiddo." I replied, running a hand through her hair. "We'll be fine. Aurelion's an old friend. He'll listen to me."

We were back at the Solari temple, right at the front entrance, which opened up into a courtyard. It was packed to the brim with Solari, and all of them were nervous. I couldn't blame them; Aurelion wasn't too fond of Targonians. The problem was that he just kinda grouped all of them together on the same "Hate-List," if you will. I was pretty pissed off at Selene. Again. Of _course_ it had been the Lunari who made the star-crown. Selene must've been looking for a way to one-up me. Having a celestial dragon under your control _would_ do the job pretty well, wouldn't it? She was lucky that I was stuck as a human.

While the blizzard around the mountain hadn't dissipated, the immediate area around us had cleared up, giving us a view of the setting Me, with the stars and Selene above our heads. I wanted her to witness this, so that she _knew_ she was in deep shit. We were basically going to use the crown to call him down from the sky, using it as a beacon. He doesn't hang around Runeterra all the time, you know. He tries to remain in the stratosphere, where he can be alone. The problem with celestial dragons is that they all have _massive_ egos. It doesn't help that they can back up what they boast, too. But after finding out that Aurelion had just been lounging around this whole time, I was ready to give him a piece of my mind. Extreme Temper versus Sass. _This_ was gonna be interesting. _Although,_ his sass doesn't work as well on stars.

Another thing that had happened was that the rest of the Solari had to be told who I was. Calling down a celestial dragon couldn't exactly be done inconspicuously. Once the big reveal had been made, there was pretty much an instant drop-to-one-knee from everybody. It took a while to explain that I didn't really go for that sorta thing. Anya also latched onto me like a leech afterwards. You know, if leeches were adorable and the best thing ever.

The two of us along with Pantheon and Leona stood on a platform overlooking the courtyard, Aurelion's star-crown behind us. It'd been tricky getting it out, but with gentleness and an extremely careful use of gravity powers, we managed to get it up to the temple.

I also burned down the Lunari temple. Revenge, bitches!

"You ready?" I asked Leona. "It's very likely that Aurelion will try to kill us when he comes down."

She took a deep breath, then nodded. "I'm willing to take that risk. But...why exactly are we doing this again?"

I cracked my knuckles. "Well, _somebody's_ gotta chew him out. I mean, he was here the whole time and somehow he _didn't_ notice what happened to me? Asshole." I raised an eyebrow, followed by a cheeky grin. "Plus, I need to get him off your asses. I gotta take care of my peeps, after all."

"Alright, then." Leona walked over to the crown, placing a hand on the glowing metal.

" _Hear me, Aurelion Sol!_ " She called, her voice echoing across the mountain. The crown appeared to be projecting her voice somehow. " _This is Leona, from the Solari temple on Mount Targon! I wish to speak with you!_ " Earlier I'd told Leona to leave me out of the initial call. I wanted to see the look on his face.

" _If you can hear me, please, come to us!_ " Leona continued. " _There is an urgent matter I must discuss with you!_ "

Silence followed. "What do we do now?" Anya asked, still clinging to me.

"We wait." Pantheon replied. "I don't know much about Aurelion Sol, but I do know that he has a knack for the dramatic."

We continued to wait, my patience slowly running thin as I irritatingly tapped my foot against the floor. What was _taking_ him so long?

"Is he gonna come?" Anya asked, this time looking at Leona.

"I can't say for sure, little one." She replied. "I would've thought he would jump at a chance like this, but we may have been wrong." She looked at me. "Is it possible that he doesn't consider us worth his time?"

"Maybe." I frowned up at the sky, still waiting. "I wouldn't be surprised, if that's the case."

After another minute, I finally had enough. "Oh, for the love of-" I stomped over to the crown, slapping the palm of my hand against it as my hair flamed to life. " _Aurelion, get your ass down here!_ "

"Helios, _what are you doing,_ you shouldn't-" Leona started, but by then my demand had already had its intended effect. Something akin to a thunderclap boomed from the sky, before a massive ball of fire came hurtling down, trailing like a comet. A _very big comet._ But I knew better. It was just the son of a bitch showing off again.

" _Who **dares** speak so crudely to a celestial dragon?!_" The fire dissipated, and in its place hovered none other than Aurelion Sol, his claws gripping the sides of the mountain. He was _huge,_ easily dwarfing the entire temple. And as usual, he had that look of haughty anger on his face. Anya certainly didn't appreciate it, hiding behind my legs.

"Oh, it's _you._ " Aurelion glowered (somewhat literally) at Leona. "Typical Targonians. I should have guessed." He casually examined one claw, admiring the way it glinted in the Me-light. "Well, get on with it. My patience is thin as it is." He took a sharp glance at the crown behind her. "Especially considering you had the nerve to bring _that_ along."

Leona gulped, before boldly stepping forward. "Aurelion Sol, we have called you here because-" She began, but he interrupted.

"Oh, _too late,_ my patience is gone!" Aurelion said, before bending closer to the temple with a menacing glare. " _I think I'll just get to exterminating the lot of_ you."

Oh shit.

Panicked screams rung throughout the courtyard as people desperately tried to get back to the temple. Leona's face was deathly pale, and Pantheon was already pulling up his shield and spear. Great, he wanted to _fight_ a celestial dragon.

Aurelion's maw opened up, flaring with starfire. He reared back, his mouth glowing brighter and brighter by the second. Another thing about my creator: he does _not_ give a shit to the rules about killing other champions.

"Goddamnit Aurelion, _not now!_ " I cursed. "Of _all the times_ for you to unleash your ego! _Really?!"_

In the seconds that followed, a few things happened.

Leona tensed, raising her shield.

Pantheon hefted his spear.

Aurelion threw his head forward, unleashing a torrent of starfire directly at us.

Anya screamed.

And me?

I pushed Leona to the side, standing in front of all three of them. I extended my arms outward, pointing directly at the approaching white-hot fury.

Now, here's the thing about starfire, boys and girls: it is _way_ more powerful than regular fire. You stand about as much chance of surviving it as Draven does at dropping his ego, which, bizarrely enough, doesn't annoy the shit out of Aurelion.

Just a single _fireball_ can vaporize whatever it comes into contact with. It also makes up roughly seventy-five percent of the Me's core, the other twenty-five percent being molten metal. The same is true for all stars. Our power has to come from _somewhere._

I'd absorbed a lot of fires after I discovered the ability.

But starfire?

That's a whole other level.

Instead of the blast completely burning us to cinders, like Aurelion had intended, it funneled directly into the palms of my hands.

I gasped at the sensation, feeling the sheer intensity of the flames rocket up and down my entire body. I wasn't getting healed, like when I absorbed normal flames. It felt like I was about to explode, and not in a good way. It eventually got to the point where it hurt as bad as the time when I'd lost my eye, only the feeling was spread to _all_ of me, not just my head.

I could feel my body straining with the effort of holding it all in, like every single cell was about to burst. I stumbled to one knee, gritting my teeth. I wasn't going to be able to contain it. It was just too much for me to handle.

But then I looked back. Anya's face bore an awestruck terror, Leona mirroring her expression. Pantheon remained stoic as ever, but I could tell that he was nervous. He _definitely_ didn't want to be vaporized.

Gathering every ounce of energy I had, I turned back to the flames, my decision made. I narrowed my eyes, slowly getting back to a standing position. I dug my heels into the ground, firmly keeping my arms extended.

The pain got worse, until it was almost unbearable. But I didn't falter. I pushed past it, focusing on holding it all in.

The pain reached its peak. I yelled with exertion, as I began to reach my limit.

I clenched my eyes shut, preparing for the oncoming release of energy (It was kinda like trying to hold it in when you need to pee, right at the point where it feels like you can't hold it any longer and about to wet yourself, now that I think about it).

But then suddenly, the pain stopped.

To this day, I'm still not sure how it happened. All I know is that it did. I just stopped hurting, and then I started feeling _good._ The starfire going into my hands actually felt _nourishing,_ like I was filling up on food. The more I got, the better I felt. I was overcharged with energy. I could feel it coursing through my veins, fueling my strength into uncharted territory.

" _WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH!_ " I yelled, as I continued to power up. That might sound like a weird thing to say, but I was pretty overwhelmed by the sudden burst of adrenaline. It was like someone had injected a whole gallon of the stuff directly into my bloodstream.

Then I exploded. Don't worry, nobody died. It wasn't _that_ kind of explosion. One second I'm absorbing the last of the flames, the next I was glowing so fiercely that even Leona had to look away.

I looked down, and found that my fingers were molten. In fact, _everything_ on me was molten. I had turned into a human-shaped Me.

"Well, this is cool." I examined my fingers, looking at how little wisps of fire trailed off of them. "I'm made of fire."

The light emanating from me started to fade, until the fire and molten metal was replaced with skin and clothing, like nothing had ever happened. But something felt...off about me. I felt tingly, like I could burst into flames at any moment, yet only when I wanted to. I felt like I was _loaded_ with compressed energy.

 _"...Helios?"_ Aurelion peered down, the look on his face just as I'd hoped it would be: priceless. "How...?"

I gave him a dry grin, before starting an unamused slow-clap.

 _"Well."_ Clap. _"Well."_ Clap. _"Well."_ I said. "If it isn't Aurelion Shithead!"

* * *

" _DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH TO GET HERE?!_ " I screamed, my whole body ablaze. " _DO YOU?!_ "

Aurelion was pretty taken aback. I'd been ranting at him for a few minutes, and I wasn't about to stop. He might be the King of Sass most of the time, but most of us stars don't tolerate his bullshit. If we're pissed at him, we let him have it. As I said earlier, his sass doesn't work as well on us. We know him personally, so it's hard for him to appear superior. And it's kinda hard to unleash the sass when someone's verbally slamming you into a wall.

" _YOU KNOW, FOR A LONG TIME I WAS ACTUALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU!_ " I continued. " _YOU JUST STOPPED VISITING ONE DAY, AND DIDN'T EVEN RESPOND TO MY CALLS! SINCE WHEN DO **YOU** EVER LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL?! I JUST FIGURED YOU WERE BUSY, SO I FORGOT ABOUT IT!"_

 _"BUT THEN CAME THE DAY WHEN SELENE GOT THE DROP ON ME! WHERE WERE YOU FOR THAT, HUH?! I THOUGHT AT FIRST THAT YOU WERE SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT YOU WERE **HERE ON RUNETERRA THE WHOLE TIME!** AND **YOU** MEAN TO TELL **ME** THAT THE **WHOLE TIME** ME AND SELENE WERE AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS YOU **NEVER NOTICED?!** YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE I LANDED AFTER SELENE PULLED A FAST ONE?! IN KUMUNGU, **KUMUNGU** FOR GODS' SAKE! I HAD TO EAT A ROTTEN PEAR, AND THEN GOT MY EYE TORN OUT! I'VE ALMOST DIED MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT! YOU COULD'VE SAVED ME AT ANY TIME, BUT **NOOOOOOOOOO!** YOU JUST **HAD** TO GET REVENGE ON MY PEEPS FOR SOMETHING THEY **NEVER EVEN DID!** YOU'VE BEEN SLACKING OFF WHILE I WAS IN A CRISIS! I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A TUNE-UP FROM YOU IN YEARS, AURELION! **YEARS!**_ "

I took a deep breath, letting my flames die down.

"...Well." Aurelion started. "That was certainly...expressive."

I just verbally smacked the shit out of a space-dragon, ladies and gentlemen. Top _that._

"But, for the record..." I huffed, before smiling up at him. "It's good to see you again, Aurelion. Even _if_ you've been lazy as hell for the past few years."

"Charming as ever, I see." Aurelion mused, resting his elbows on the edge of the courtyard. "After all these years, you _still_ possess a complete and utter lack of manners."

"What would I need manners for?" I asked. He just rolled his eyes in response. He's a bit more "tame" around me. He's still an asshole, just not one-hundred percent. He _does_ make a few exceptions when it comes to being an asshole. It's a hard job, you know.

"Ahem." Leona coughed. Both of us turned to look at her. "Are we just going to ignore the fact that a few minutes ago we were about to be _killed?_ "

"Oh, come now, darling, you make it sound dreadful." Aurelion said with a smirk (and for the record, yes, he can actually do that). "It would have been excruciatingly painful, granted, but only for a few moments at the most."

"Oh, yippee." She deadpanned. "Nothing better than excruciating pain."

I gasped. "Did you just use sarcasm?!" I said. I

"Um, yes?" She replied awkwardly.

"I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!" I tackled her in a hug. " _Finally,_ you start to understand the benefits!"

"Would you look at that, Pantheon?" Aurelion mused. "He's stealing your lover away! I would recommend trying to follow up with a romantic gesture, or Leona may very well be seeing someone _else_ tonight."

Naturally, Pantheon didn't really have an answer for that. He elected just to splutter profanities.

"What's he mean, mister Helios?" Anya asked, which was followed by a collective "Erm..."

And that was our day.

You know what I mean.

* * *

 _ **Alright, that is IT for this chapter! For those of you who were expecting a little more sass from Aurelion Sol, just wait a little. Helios doesn't really have as much to verbally exploit as other champions do. Don't worry, there will be much sass in regards to the other champions. Between Helios' sarcasm and Aurelion's ego and attitude, they'll be a handful, rest assured. Next chapter will have...uh, stuff. I don't have as much of a plan for that chapter. It's mainly just gonna be Aurelion being an ass and Solari shenanigans. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	13. Solari Funtime and the High Councilor

**_Here we are again, guys and gals, with another chapter for what is apparently one of the best LoL fanfics, based on a kind review from zaraqui kenpachi. Kudos to you, my man, for thinking so. I'm glad that this story is being held in such high regard. It's one of the reasons why I put my other story on hiatus; TDHA is a lot more entertaining. Anyways, for my other reviews, it seems a few of you think that Soraka is Helios' granddaughter. I'll just say this:_**

 ** _What._**

 ** _The._**

 ** _Hell._**

 ** _People, come on, there is no way in hell that I am writing something like that! I'm PAIRING Raka with Helios, for crying out loud! Dating your great-great-grandfather would just be too weird for this fic. HOWEVER! I don't hold anything against you for it. There has been evidence to suggest that the familial relation between the two was a possibility. Raka's called "The Starchild" after all, I can see why you would think so. But no, that doesn't mean she's literally "the child of a star." I'm pretty sure she's called that solely because of her origin as an actual star. Also, congrats to the people who figured out the identity of Helios' granddaughter! Well done! So just know that you're all still my peeps, it's just that I don't really wanna write something like that. So last chapter, I said that I didn't really have a plan for this one. But, depending on where I go with this, it'll most likely have Helios departing for the Institute of War somewhere near the end. I plan to include Aurelion being an ass in this chapter (because it's always hilarious), along with Solari shenanigans...sorta. It depends on what material I come up with. Now, shall we?_**

* * *

Things were pretty interesting from that point onwards.

Aurelion couldn't fit in the temple, so he just hung outside in the courtyard, which was big enough to hold him. He never complained about it; he was pretty much an expert at hanging around. Comes with the ego, I guess.

The other Solari mostly tried to avoid him, except for Anya. She took it upon herself to explore every nook and cranny of the big guy. Aurelion strangely didn't mind _that,_ either. She'd spend hours at a time climbing up his back, then pretend his hair was a jungle and go on a safari. I'd been expecting him to shake her off at some point, but lo and behold, Anya hadn't been squished. Of course, once Anya flashed those puppy-dog eyes, what could Aurelion do?

Another thing that happened: I got plasma bolts. And molten metal.

Yep.

Plasma bolts.

And molten metal.

That's what I said.

I wasn't even angry at the time when it happened. Aurelion's starfire must've given me a bigger boost than I thought. Here's how it went down for each one:

When I got the bolts, the whole community was having a big feast at the temple. There wasn't really any sort of special occasion; it was just a friendly get-together. I mean, sure, people were still gawking at me occasionally, but they'd gotten used to me over the past few days. I'd more or less adopted Anya, so she sat next to me at the head of the table, near Leona and Pantheon. It was a pretty big table, let me add. Big enough to seat more than half the Solari, with two smaller tables for the rest.

We'd just finished the appetizers, which were these _amazing_ breadsticks that Pantheon had whipped up for us (AN: Even better than Olive Garden's, hard as it may be to believe). Even Aurelion couldn't refrain from giving them a try, although we had to chuck at least a truckload into his mouth just for one bite. His reaction was salty with just a hint of butter, as usual ('dat silver yet sassy tongue, 'do), but I could tell he was satisfied.

And that left for the main course. _Meat, meat and more meat._ Bacon, steaks, you name it and we had it. The Solari don't do second-rate. It's even more impressive when you consider how scarce food typically is on the mountain. I even went on a few hunts to help get the food. Gotta show them how it's done, you know what I'm saying?

"And now, the main course dishes, prepared by myself, and some of which were killed by none other than Helios!" Leona announced, as the food was brought out. The Solari all let out a cheer at the sight, and _oh daddy_ , was it a sight to see! Mount Targon's home to some pretty nasty boars, but once they wind up on the platter, then they're just _delicious._

"Alriiiiiiight!" I rubbed my hands together, licking my lips. "Bring on the food!"

"You really killed these, Lord Helios?" Somebody asked.

I shrugged with a sheepish grin. "Well, I did learn a few things from Nidalee."

"You know _Nidalee?!_ " Another guy said. " _How?!_ "

Oh, does it feel good to have an entourage. I don't like having servants, but I won't complain when it comes to having people around who think you're awesome.

Where are the plasma bolts? They're coming, just wait.

"Well, after Selene screwed me over, I landed in Kumungu." I explained, just as the roast boar was placed on the table. "I eventually ran into Nidalee, and she taught me how to hunt."

I smirked. "Now, in regards to our _dear friend_ Selene, what do we say, boys and girls?"

" _BIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!_ " We all shouted simultaneously, before erupting into a fit of laughter.

"I do believe you all the little ones a gold coin, Helios." Aurelion said. "You just said a 'bad word,' if I'm not mistaken, which I never am."

" _DAMN IT!_ " We all shouted.

"Better make that _two_ gold coins, then." He remedied, followed by another chorus of laughter.

"Oh, gimme 'dat meat!" I eagerly groped towards the boar that was coming towards me. "I'm _starving!_ Let's ea-"

Then the bolts of plasma jolted out of my hands and directly into the approaching entrée. It exploded, caking me, Leona, Pantheon, and a few other Solari in boar.

We all sat in stunned silence, the remains dripping from our faces onto the floor.

"Amusing, what you've done with your face, Helios." Aurelion commented. "Although next time, I wouldn't recommend your food as a source of cosmetics." We all burst into laughter for the third time that night, wiping the goop off our faces.

"Well, that's _one_ way to learn a new trick!" I said as another boar was put in. It's pretty easy to have a good time at get-togethers. You can have a laugh at things you wouldn't normally find funny. And there was also the part where my food exploded. That was admittedly hilarious.

* * *

I got the molten metal when Taric came over.

It was a routine thing that happened before the League booted up. He'd hop on over, stay for a few days, and then he'd head to the Institute with the other Targon champions, save for Diana, of course. She got there her own way.

Taric's a really good guy to have around. He's almost always incredibly friendly, and _for the love of gods,_ people, _no,_ he _isn't gay._ *sigh* _Yes,_ even _if_ his alternate skins make him look like a really buff chick.

 _(What,_ Taric? You know it's true. It's either that or a smooth-skinned prettyboy, which isn't much better.

Okay, first of all, that insult was uncalled for. Second, don't blame _me,_ blame the perverted pricks that gave you those skins in the first place. Sheesh. Women, am I right?

...Taric didn't like that. I'm probably gonna pay for it later, but whatcha gonna do.)

Anyways, he showed up a few days after the feast, about a week before we were supposed to leave for the Institute of War. Despite his incredibly flashy armor, Taric isn't really one for dramatic entrances. He just walked right through the front gate. I almost didn't notice him coming from the window of my room. I was reading a book I'd found at the library, and it was hilarious. The only reason I _did_ see Taric was because Aurelion had managed to disperse the blizzard around the mountain for a bit, which made it a lot easier to see.

(Ezreal says a book on the history of Valoran doesn't count as comedy. I disagree, because a lot of the so-called "facts" were actually hilariously inaccurate.)

"Helios!" Leona threw open the door to my room just as I saw Taric. "It's-"

"Taric, yeah, I see him." I leaned over the edge of the open window. "HEY, _TARIC!_ " I called.

He looked up at where I was, just as he was asking one of my peeps for directions.

"WOULD YOU BE HELIOS?" Taric called back, his hammer on one shoulder.

"YEAH, THAT'S ME!" I replied. "NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU IN PERSON!"

"THANK YOU! IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU AS WELL!" He said. "IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A NEW TARGONIAN CHAMPION FOR A CHANGE!"

"WELL, TECHNICALLY I'M NOT A TARGONIAN, BUT YEAH! IT IS!" I responded. I was just about to say something else when Leona elbowed me in the ribs.

"How about you go down there and talk to him instead of shouting from across the courtyard?" Leona asked, somewhat irritably.

"Fair point." I replied, before leaning out the window. "HANG ON, I'M COMING DOWN!" I probably should've just taken the stairs, but I decided that was a bit too boring. I just elected to jump out the window. If you're going to head down to talk with the Shield of Valoran, might as well do it in style, right?

Plus, as the Aspect of the Protector, it would be a riot to watch him have a heart attack as I plummeted. Seriously, the guy can be a bit of a safety nut sometimes. It can be a bit of a problem at pool parties, when he's on lifeguard duty. He once thought Nami was drowning and tried to drag her out of the pool. It was only after she tail-slapped him did he remember that she was more or less seventy-five percent fish.

Yyyyyeaaaaahhhhhh, not one of his proudest moments. But for the rest of us, it was golden!

To this day I swear I heard Taric scream while I dropped. Of course, there were plenty of female Solari in the area at the time, so I'll let it slide. For now. I altered my gravity so that I hovered just a few feet off the ground, before righting myself and casually plopping down.

"What's the matter, Taric?" I grinned, strolling over to him. "Never seen a guy manipulate gravity before?"

He managed to recover his composure, shaking his head with a brief chuckle. "I must say, I wasn't expecting you to pull a stunt like that." He stuck out a hand. "It'll be refreshing to work with another Targonian that has an actual sense of humor."

"Thanks." I reached out to take it. "Word of warning, though: I can be a bit of an ass sometimes." I frowned, as I noticed that Taric had pulled away.

"What?" He pointed towards my hand. "I'd rather not touch that." I looked down, to see molten magma dripping from the fingertips and onto the pavement. A few seconds after it made contact, the drops cooled into silvery puddles, hardening into a flawless metallic substance.

"Well..." I blinked a few times. "That's a new one."

"Does this happen often?" Taric asked, crouching down to examine the cooled liquid. He poked at one with the tip of his hammer, the response being a loud _clang._ "Astoundingly durable, but at the same time beautiful in appearance. Much like my armor."

"Oh yeah, you're into that sorta thing, aren't you?" I said. "Well, who knows, maybe once I get the hang of it I can get into sculpting. Make an art gallery." And don't worry, if I ever get around to that, it'll be the kind of gallery that has statues with clothes on. Seriously, what the hell was Jarvan the First thinking when he littered the Demacian royal palace with exhibitionists? Did he think people wanted to look at stone genitals all the time? That actually wouldn't surprise me. The guy wasn't really the golden standard for etiquette. It's why most Demacians don't say much about him other than how he founded the nation.

"So..." I rubbed the back of my neck. "You wanna grab a bite to eat or something?"

Taric shrugged. "I suppose so. Admittedly, I'm feeling a little famished from the journey here."

And that's how we ended up raiding Pantheon's secret cookie stash, for the first and last time. Because, y'know, it wasn't fun when Pantheon caught us.

Still, it was totally worth it.

* * *

The last person I was introduced to was none other than the Boss Lady, High Councilor Kolminye herself. Apparently, just before every new champion entered the League of Legends, they had a face-to-face chat with Kolminye first. She would give a little interview, ask some questions, and once she was satisfied, officially gave them the title of Champion. I was kinda nervous about talking with her. I didn't really know why; it wouldn't be my first time talking to one of the higher-ups (relatively speaking). Besides, I used to be the ultimate higher-up. I was _literally_ above everybody else. Although, I'd heard rumors that Kolminye was the reason Jinx hadn't blown up the Institute yet. If that was the case, I didn't want to get on her bad side.

"You've been fidgeting with your clothes for a while now, Helios, give it a rest." Leona chided, in the main entryway of the temple. "One interview won't kill you."

"Leona's right, there's really nothing to worry about." Taric agreed. "The High Councilor is a very polite and courteous woman, I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Then again, Helios has a rather poor record when it comes to dire situations, doesn't he?" Aurelion smirked from outside. "I wouldn't be surprised if the interview actually _does_ kill him."

"Thanks for the helpful word of reassurance, Aurelion." Leona grumbled.

"Anytime, darling." We were going to contact Kolminye using a...well...I don't know what it's called. It was basically a holographic projector, but with magic instead of technology. You could call it a...mana projector, I guess? It was nothing fancy. Just a glowing round doodad that was embedded into the floor.

(Jayce. Buddy. Pal. Do you think I give a damn as to what they're called? It's just like the magic revival thingies! We can't all be nerds like you, you know.)

I sighed. "Alright." I said, smoothing back my hair, only for it to spring back into place. "Let's do this. Call her."

Leona nodded, swiping her hand up towards the projector on the floor. It glowed golden, before shooting up a small beam of light into the air. The beam stretched and contorted, until it was in the shape of a rectangle.

"High Councilor Kolminye, we would like to speak with you." She said. The screen flashed a few times, before a woman's face shimmered into view.

"Yes, what is it, Leona?" Kolminye asked, before noticing me. "Ah! This would be our new champion, wouldn't it?"

"Hello, hello, hello!" I greeted in a small singsong voice. "Yeah, I'm the new guy." I waved. "Leona already gave you my name, but just to be official about this, I'm Helios. Nice to meet you."

Kolminye nodded and smiled. "A pleasure to meet _you,_ as well." She appeared to be in her main office at the Institute, behind her desk. It was a really nice desk too. But I won't go into all the details. She took hold of a few papers on her desk, neatly sorting them into one stack before putting them aside. "Now, before I register you as an official champion for Mount Targon, there are a few things I need to ask you."

I shrugged. "Leona already mentioned that, but go ahead, shoot."

"You are in fact the sun, yes?" Was her first question. I was more or less expecting it; it was one of the first things almost everybody asked me. Well, not really, but you get what I mean.

I nodded. "Yep, the one and only." I gave a small flourish, then a bow. "At your service."

"And as an extension of that question, did you create the world?" She asked.

"Sure did." I shrugged. "It has its quirks, but I'm very happy with how it turned out over all. You're welcome, by the way."

"Thank you." She smirked. Oh, she had a sense of humor. How nice. No, seriously, I'm not being sarcastic. For a second I was worried that my future boss would be a cranky old asshat.

"Now, from what Leona has told me, I understand that there are several champions currently present at the Institute that you are well acquainted with." Kolminye said.

"Yeah. The 'divine' ones, if you will. I'm sort of their landlord-slash-friend, but not really." I replied.

"Care to elaborate what you mean by that?" She inquired.

I hummed, thinking for a second. "Well, it's not that they really _owe_ me anything, per sé, but they become aware of me when they're exposed to some sort of 'divine power,' like Ivern when he turned into a tree."

"I see." Kolminye replied. "If you don't mind me asking, which champions fall into that category? I'd like to notify them of your entrance into the League. I imagine they would be very happy to see you."

"Oh, sure." I began to list them with my fingers. "Let's see, going in alphabetical order and minus the ones already here, there's Aatrox, Anivia, Azir, Bard (long story, dimension-hopping has certain benefits), Cassiopeia (we met in Shurima), Diana (worships the Ultra Bitch, and I broke her arm), Ezreal (also Shurima), Ivern, Kalista, Karma (being enlightened has its perks)...dammit, ran out of fingers...Kindred, Malphite (he and Ivern talk a lot), Maokai (same instance), Nasus, Nidalee (stayed with her in Kumungu), Rammus (same as Ez and Cassy), Renekton, Rengar (acquaintance from Kumungu), Sivir (again, Shurima), Taliyah (guess), Udyr (I'm a big part of nature, so of course he'd know me), and Yorick."

I folded my hands behind my back. "And yeah, I think that's about it, save for the unpleasant ones. But I'm not really 'friends' with _them._ "

(AN: Now that you know how many people Helios knows, you can probably see what kinda stuff I've still got planned.)

Kolminye sat there, stunned. "...I must say, I wasn't expecting so many champions." She leaned forward slightly in her chair. "How is it that I've never heard of your existence before Leona told me, if so many are aware of you?"

I shrugged. "I'm more of the 'behind-the-scenes' kind of guy. I didn't talk to people often, so I'm guessing there wasn't really a reason to."

Kolminye sighed. "Fair enough." She said. "It will be somewhat difficult to inform all of them, but I will have to man-"

"I heard someone! Is that who I think it is?" Kolminye was suddenly interrupted by a voice that sounded like it came from a tree, creaking and splintering like bark. A smiling face popped into view in front of her, one that was made entirely of wood and foliage. "Star-man, is that you? It's me, the tree guy!"

I rolled my eyes with a smile. "Hello, Ivern. It's nice to see you again."

"It's nice to see you too!" He said, with his usual happy-go-lucky demeanor. "Are you going to be here soon? Oh, Daisy is going to be _so_ happy when I tell her! She'll give you a nice, big hug when you arrive, I just know it!"

I let out a small laugh. "Well, tell her that I'll gladly take it. Don't worry, you guys won't have to wait much longer."

"That's _great!_ I'll make sure to tell everyone!" Ivern beamed. "By the way, Helios, I was talking to the cherry blossoms earlier today, and if I ever had the chance, they wanted me to tell you that you've done a _fantastic_ job of providing them with nutrients! Their petals have looked amazing this year!"

"Aw, shucks, you're gonna make me blush." I grinned. "Make sure to say hi to them for me, and that I'm always happy to provide."

Kolminye coughed awkwardly, causing the both of us to refocus our attention on her. "Ivern, while I'm happy that you're anxious to see Helios in person again, I was in the middle of an interview when you arrived. Would you mind allowing the two of us to resume our conversation?"

"Oh, but of course, High Councilor!" Ivern replied. "It's about time that I go, anyways! I'm running a little late for a concert! The birds are performing, so I'd better get going!" Ivern waved at me one last time. "Bye for now, Helios! I'll tell the honey badgers that you're coming!"

"Oh, that's nice, make sure to say- IVERN NO WAIT!" I shouted, but he was already gone. I stood there, dumbfounded.

" _Ssssssshhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit._ " I said. "I'm so screwed right now."

"Unfortunately, I would have to agree." Kolminye confirmed. "Now, I only have a few more things to ask, and then we can be done." She cleared her throat before continuing.

"Are you able to work efficiently in a group? It will be difficult to add you as a champion if you refuse to cooperate with summoners and your teammates." She said.

"Oh, sure." I replied. "It won't be the first time I've worked with somebody else to kick ass. So long as the others give me some freedom to do m own thing, we won't have any problems."

"Excellent." Kolminye said. "That just leaves one more question: what will your title be?"

"My what?" I inquired.

"Your title. Every champion here has a title they go by other than their actual name. Garen is the Might of Demacia, Elise is the Spider Queen, Shen is the Eye of Twilight, and et cetera." She explained.

 _"Ooooh,_ I know what you're talking about." I hummed in contemplation. "To be honest, I haven't really thought about it." I rubbed the back of my head sheepishly. "I really don't have the slightest clue as to what I'd call myself. Got any ideas?"

Kolminye placed her chin on her folded hands, eyes narrowed in thought. "Well, it would have to be something that fits with your status as a former star. It would also have to be a title that, ah, _rolls off the tongue,_ if you will." She mulled over her thoughts for a few more seconds, before a lightbulb appeared to go off in her head.

"How about..." A bit of a dramatic pause. Gotta have those sometimes, you know? Kolminye smiled up at me. " _The Dawn Incarnate._ "

Ooooooooh, now _there_ was a name that worked! It rolled right off the tongue, just like she needed, and I had to admit, it sounded really cool.

Come on, _admit it,_ it's cool. Better than Trundle's, anyways. I mean, despite being called the Troll King, he has absolutely _no idea_ how to troll people. It's a disgrace.

I'm sensing a bit of a collective groan on your part. What? Was it something I said? Anyways, back to my cool nickname!

"The Dawn Incarnate..." I took a few seconds to let the name roll around in my head, before giving out a chuckle. "I like that. It has a nice ring to it."

"Then, congratulations, Helios." Kolminye clasped her hands and smiled. "Welcome to the League of Legends. We look forward to having you as a champion within the halls of the Institute."

I smirked. This was gonna be fun.

* * *

The last thing that happened to me was my wardrobe changes.

It started when Aurelion called my outfit "tacky." I wondered out loud how he could really judge me, considering he didn't wear any clothes. He was basically running around buck-naked. Naturally, that offended him a lot. The argument eventually escalated to the point where the others had to intervene. Shockingly, they (partially) agreed with Aurelion. Leona's argument was that I needed to look more like the physical incarnation of the sun (my gi made me look like an average Solari). Pantheon said I needed something more durable to wear. While my clothes were completely fireproof, they tore easily, and were a pain to repair. My axe didn't really "fit" with them, either. Taric just wanted me to wear something that looked more appealing.

So that's how the armor ended up getting made. Leona and Taric collaborated on the design, with input from Pantheon on where to add extra reinforcement. I had to admit, what they came up with was pretty cool. I was the one that provided them with the actual metal. They made casts of the individual plates of armor, which I filled in with molten metal. Once it cooled, the metal's color was changed to gold with a little bit of magic. Neat, huh?

The armor was gold in color (duh), and stylized to resemble what a shogun (AN: leader of a group of samurai) would wear. Leona thought it was kind of weird that I'd want an Ionian design, but it suited my needs the best. It was durable enough so that I wouldn't get slapped around like a ragdoll (plenty of champions are strong enough to do that), and still left me with plenty of room to move around.

I first had to put on the dark violet under-armor, similar to what Leona wore. It was skin-tight, but surprisingly comfortable, and as a bonus, it showed off my abs. I then had to put on something similar to my original gi, only with thicker material and dark violet in color. The plating around the legs came next, with protection around the shins and kneecaps, and the thighs left bare. The armor also had thick leather flaps around the waist, clasped together by a belt with a sun emblem as the buckle. The flaps were violet with gold trim, with one between my legs, and two wider ones circling around my back. Afterwards came the main chestplate and arms. The chestplate was pulled over the top of my head, covering my upper body while leaving room for my arms. It had two curved shoulder pads that stood rigid, and more or less resembled the original Ionian design. The plating for my arms came last, two thick leather greaves with gold plating that went up to my elbows. The gloves had holes for my fingers to poke out of, so that I could get a better grip on my axe.

After I was done, I studied myself in the mirror, checking out the way my armor flexed and bent.

"Well?" Leona asked. "How's it fit?"

I rolled my left arm around a few times. "It fits great." I smiled. "Thanks, guys. This is really cool."

I had the power, the title, and the outfit. I was _so_ ready to be a champion. I certainly looked the part. Now I just had to wait a few more days until it was time to go.

* * *

The best part was that I only had to wait three more days.

Nothing exciting happened during that time. It was mostly just lounging around, waiting for the date of departure. But hey, it never hurts to have a few lazy days, you know?

I was standing in the main entryway at the temple, giving a few last goodbyes to the Solari, Anya specifically.

"Do you really have to go, mister Helios?" Anya sniffed, on the verge of tears.

"Yeah, sorry kiddo." I crouched down, ruffling her hair. "But don't worry; I'll be back real soon, and then we can hang out all you want. Sound like a deal?"

Anya nodded and gave me a hug. I almost melted with the sheer adorableness. She pulled back, beaming. "Deal! Have fun!"

I chuckled. "I will, kiddo."

"Helios. It's time to go." Pantheon informed.

I nodded. "Alright, then." I stood up. "I'll see you later, Anya."

"O-Okay." She sniffed. I waved goodbye one last time before turning to Leona, who, to my surprise, had a dark violet cloak folded up in her arms. It was similar to the one Pantheon wore, except it only had one clasp that looked like it would sit near my left shoulder. And, y'know, the color. What, was my stuff gonna be color-coded violet and gold, now?

"What's with the cloak?" I pointed at it, my axe resting on one shoulder. "I don't really need one anymore."

She shrugged with a small grin. "It's only for the trip. And seeing as how you have a bit of a knack for the dramatic..." Her grin turned sheepish.

My eyes widened. "No way. Are you saying..." I looked from the cloak to Leona. "Dramatic Cape-Swish?"

She nodded. "Dramatic Cape-Swish." Her grin grew wider.

I smiled. Taking the cloak with my right hand, I threw the fabric around myself, the cloak giving an ever-so-satisfying swish before the clasp clicked neatly into place.

"Alright, then." I looked toward the open doors. "Let's go."

* * *

 _ **That's it for now. Next chapter, things are gonna get interesting. Helios will make some new friends, kick a bit of ass, and rest assured, there will be plenty of shenanigans along the way. I really don't have anything else to add, so I'll just end here. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	14. My Best Friend Has Hooves

_**So, guys and gals. This is it. The moment you've all been waiting for...more or less. I mean, it's been a blast writing the last few chapters, but let's be honest: you've been anxious for when Helios arrives at the Institute of War, haven't you? Trust me, there are going to be plenty of Champions that he interacts with, and not just the ones that I mentioned last chapter. I've figured out a way to get him involved with just about every city-state in Runeterra. To help explain how, I'll be revealing the identity of Helios' granddaughter at the end of this chapter.**_

 _ **Yep.**_

 _ **That's right.**_

 ** _I'm not messing with you._**

 ** _The long wait is finally over, ladies and gentlemen! You'll finally get to find out who our enigmatic lady is! And for GOD'S SAKE (or whoever you believe in), don't go skipping to the end of the chapter! I put a lot of hard work into this story, and I'd rather you read all of it! Also, I'll be introducing my OC summoner from my other story soon, for those of you that know what I'm talking about. He'll be a bit different from what you remember, but he'll still be enjoyable, and paired with Sona. And lastly: the two of you who know who the granddaughter is, I hope you enjoy the reveal! I'm also making this chapter a bit longer, and slightly less funny (I just have a few major plot points to establish, sorry). Now, your excitement has peaked, I'm loaded with adrenaline, and I'm ready to crank this baby out! LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

* * *

The funny thing is that the day we left was the same day the League of Legends was supposed to start.

Normally we'd have left a week before, just because of how long a journey it was. But then again, before my arrival Leona, Pantheon and Taric didn't have a giant space dragon as a mode of transportation.

Aurelion initially didn't like the idea. He wasn't a big fan of being used as a _ride._ Luckily for us, I was well-versed in the language of Air-Head. I just told Aurelion that he wasn't necessarily a regular mount, like a donkey. He was the equivalent to a luxury cruise liner with VIP privileges and five-star service. And like the egotistic, air-headed numbskull that he was, he completely bought it. Lesson Time, boys and girls: in order to coax a space dragon into doing something you want, you must apply to his or her ego. Buttering them up always works.

So, there we were, riding on Aurelion's head, far up in the stratosphere. It was pretty damn cold, but Aurelion's hair acted like a big furry coat. I was thinking about how to best make my entrance once we got to the Institute. I wasn't just going to waltz in the door, no way. If I was going to do this, I was going to do it _right._

"Helios, is a 'dramatic entrance' really necessary?" Leona asked. "I don't think you have to kick down the door."

"Leona, just a little while ago you gave me this cloak so I could do a Dramatic Cape Swish, and suddenly you're against the idea of my spectacular arrival?" I raised an eyebrow. Speaking of cape-swishing, my cloak was flapping fabulously in the wind, which, coupled with the fact that I was riding a giant space dragon, made me look extremely cool.

"That was different." She argued. "It didn't cost anything to make. The doors to the Institute, on the other hand, were very expensive, and would cost a lot of gold to replace." She blinked a few times. "At least, according to the High Councilor."

Me and Aurelion rolled our eyes simultaneously. "Tragic how they don't understand the importance of first impressions, isn't it?" Aurelion asked.

I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, guys, come on! It'll totally be worth it! Taric, help me out!"

"My specialty is beauty, Helios, not drama." Taric replied. "I'm afraid that I'll have to agree with Leona."

I groaned. " _Fiiiiiiiiinnnnnnne._ I'll kick the door _open,_ not _down._ Is that alright?"

Leona and Taric looked at each other, before shrugging. "I suppose." She said.

" _Thank you._ " I , I've got some ideas for some fireworks, and they might be just a _tad bit_ destructive, but I'm sure we can-"

" ** _NO!_** " They both shouted.

"Alright, alright, geez." I folded my arms, pouting. "I get it, I'm not allowed to have any fun. I'll just settle for an incredibly disappointing first impression."

Pantheon huffed. "If all of you are done, I can see the Institute. We're just about there."

"Outta my way, let me see!" I scrambled up next to him, slightly leaning over the edge of Aurelion's head. Sure enough, there it was. The Institute of Goddamn War, in all of its humble yet majestic glory.

(Quinn is fairly certain that Goddamn isn't in the name. Well, gee, Quinn, who would've guessed that?

Don't you give me that deadpan, you walked right into that one. Oh, look, Valor agrees!

Damn, Valor, what a burn! I didn't think you had it in you! And for the record, boys and girls, yes, I can understand him. It took a while, but now we can talk to each other fairly easily.

 _No,_ we're not ganging up on you because you're a girl, Quinn. We're ganging up on you because it's fun. Pout all you want, but it isn't our fault that the goody two-shoes are always the easiest to roast.

Alright, _I get it,_ you don't want to tolerate my bullshit right now. Tell you what, after I'm done with this part we can go make fun of Vayne's edginess together. Valor can shit on her head!

Sweet, I'll see you then!)

"Ah, the Institute." I reminisced happily. "Full of introverted assholes that wouldn't let me take a peek in there. I can't wait to get down there."

"Uh...sure." Leona said. "That's one way to put it...I guess."

"You're damn right it is!" Just for the heck of it, I grabbed a tuft of Aurelion's hair and began speaking into it like it was a microphone. "This is your captain speaking. In a few minutes we'll be descending, and landing at the Institute of Introverts. Please fasten your dragon-hair belts, and be on the lookout for badasses, summoners, and the occasional prick. Gangplank, I don't know if you can hear me, but that means you."

"Helios, what the hell?" Pantheon said.

* * *

"Thank you for flying Space Dragon Airlines. We hope you enjoyed your trip, and look forward to flying with you again in the future." I said, just as we landed. "Please exit by sliding down Aurelion's neck, and remember: watch your step!"

I had no idea why I was talking like one of those flight attendants from Piltover, but then again, why not? You only get so many opportunities to cross small stuff off the bucket-list, so you'd better take every one.

"We're a little late, so we can just head in." Leona said, as we stood in front of the door. "Aurelion, we'll bring back a few summoners to shrink you to a suitable size." What, surprised? How else do you think Aurelion stays at the Institute? He's still pretty big when he shrinks, but small enough that he can fit through most doors.

"Oh, we're late?" I rubbed my hands together eagerly, before handing Leona my cloak. "Perfect! A fashionably late dramatic entrance!"

"Helios, _don't-_ " She started, but by then I'd already kicked open the door to the main hall.

" _HEL- **LO** , LEAGUE OF LEGENDS!_" I yelled, standing in the doorway. " _HOW'RE Y'ALL DOIN' TODAY?!_ "

I was met with the sight of every single champion the League had, all staring at me awkwardly. Clearly they hadn't been expecting me to kick down the door. Well, _most of them_ were looking awkward. There was still the people who knew me. Speaking of which...

" _HELIOS!_ " They all chorused, making their way towards me.

" _WASSUP, Y'ALL?!_ " I yelled, grinning. "You're all looking well."

They crowded around me, giving me claps on the back and saying how great it was to see me.

"Maokai, how've the saplings been?" I asked. "Malphite, buddy, you look great! Oh, hey, Yorick, what's going on?"

My grin grew wider as I spotted a few old friends outside of the crowd.

"Yo, Ezreal, what's up man?" I walked up to him, smirking as I clasped his outstretched hand. "Been a while."

"Yeah, it has." He shook it with a grin. "Nice outfit."

"Oh, this?" I gestured towards my armor. "Aurelion called my first outfit tacky, which led to a really long argument that in turn led to this getting made."

Ezreal laughed. "It sounds like you've had a good time." His expression then turned slightly worried. "So, seeing as you're here with us and all, does that mean...?"

I sighed. "Yep, I'm stuck down here." I briefly looked up, giving the Finger towards the sky. "But I suppose it isn't all bad." I smiled. "Just means that I get to have fun for a little bit longer."

"Well, I'm glad that you're looking on the bright side of things." Ezreal replied. "Hey, I've got a few people you should meet. I've told them a lot about-"

"Kit!" An all-too-familiar voice called from behind me. I turned around with a grin, just as a dark mass enveloped me in a hug.

"Hey, Nid." I said, holding her tighter. "I see that you've gotten more open to hugs."

"Shut up, kit." She pulled away, although she had a small smirk on her face. "That was a one time thing." Her eyes then narrowed as she looked at me. "What's up with your eye?"

"Oh, right." I pointed to my burning socket. "I got an upgrade from the Sun-Disc down in Shurima. I don't know why I didn't get an animal head, but I _did_ end up getting a sweet new eye, along with some new tricks."

"Okay, but adding to my earlier question, where's the spear I gave you?" Nidalee gestured to the axe I had on my back. "I don't recall you having an axe."

"Oh, uh, Rek'Sai snapped it." I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. "Sorry, Nid."

" _Did she,_ now?" Her eyes narrowed, before turning on her heels toward Rek'Sai, who was being manhandled by several summoners, all of them carrying ropes made of mana that wrapped around her body. "Excuse me for a moment, kit. I need to beat the shit out of somebody."

"Oh, boy, here we go." Ezreal muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Eh, at least it'll be entertaining." I grinned, folding my arms. "Oop, she's starting."

What followed were the most painful sounds I have ever heard in my entire life, and I'm not kidding when I say that. Per a rare request on Rek'Sai's part, I'm leaving out the description of what I saw and heard. It was that painful (and fun) to watch.

"Yow." Ezreal grimaced. "I almost feel bad for Rek'Sai."

"Liar." I replied.

"Got me." He said with a smirk.

"Lord Helios!" A pair of voices called, and I turned around to see Wolf bounding towards me, Lamb following close behind.

"It is good to see you, my Lord." Lamb said, kneeling. Wolf followed her position. "It is a relief to see you well."

"Lamb, Wolf." I put my hands on my hips, a slight smirk on my face. "What did I say about calling me 'Lord,' guys?"

"Oh! Forgive us, L-Helios." Lamb quickly rose. "We did not mean to be so forgetful."

"It's fine." I batted a hand dismissively. "It's been a while, anyways." I looked around the room, looking at what else was going on in the hall. Azir was talking to Yasuo, Taliyah standing right beside him. Yasuo's jaw had pretty much hit the floor as he witnessed the two talking so casually. He looked back to where I was, pointing at the two. I nodded, winking. He just shook his head and got back to talking to them. Cassiopeia was hanging with the other Noxian champions , including her siblings, Katarina and Talon. She gave me a brief wave before resuming her chat, the others giving me a curious expression. And as for Nasus, he was busy restraining Renekton, trying to prevent him from ripping Xerath to shreds. I don't know why he'd do that; just let him go, man, let Xerath get what's coming to him!

"Hey, Helios!" Ivern called. "I was right! Daisy _does_ want to give you a hug! Go ahead, Daisy!"

Out from behind him barreled Daisy, his Sentinel friend. I braced myself just in time before she wrapped me around in a fierce hug, and judging by how hard she was squeezing, she was trying to break my spine.

"Yeah, hey, Daisy." I patted her back as my head was pressed against her stomach. "It's nice to see you too, girl."

"Oh, look, Helios, everybody else wants to say hi, too!" Ivern said happily.

"Everybody el-Oh no." My face paled, before I was completely enveloped by small woodland creatures. There were so many of them crawling around on me that it looked like I was wearing a suit made of them. I just managed to suck in a deep breath before a squirrel landed on my face. I staggered away from Daisy, attempting to shake off my "new friends," but despite my strength, they wouldn't budge. Overly affectionate, much?

Leona was doing her best not to laugh. And failing, despite my unamused expression.

"Oh, hardy har har." I deadpanned, briefly able to talk through the pile of small animals. "Very funny."

"It really is." Ezreal snickered.

"Well, isn't that nice to hear." I retorted. "Would you mind helping me get these guys off? As nice as it is that they appreciate me, I'd rather not have to walk around with them every single day of the w-" I stopped.

Raw, white-hot _fury_ started bubbling up from deep inside of me, causing my fingers to clench, flames licking across the knuckles. My whole body started to steam and ignite, causing the animals to scatter. The floor began to bubble and melt under me, the air becoming as dry as it was in Shurima.

"Uh, Helios?" Ezreal said, slightly nervous. "You okay, man?"

I didn't answer. Instead, I slowly stepped forward, moving past my friends as my eyes homed in on the target of my rage.

"Helios?" Leona called after me. "What's wrong?"

I headed toward where the Zaunite champions were hanging, my gaze never leaving one in particular.

"Oh, hey, you're Helios, right?" Ekko asked. "You seem like a pretty cool-OW!" He jumped backwards as I brushed past him, my shoulder briefly making contact with his. It must've burned like hell, judging by the string of rapid-fire curses spewing out of his mouth.

(Ekko, you know I didn't mean to do that. I was _angry._ If we'd been introduced properly, it would've gone a whole lot smoother, I promise. And if I recall correctly, plenty of female summoners here think that scar you got from the burn is sexy. Why are you complaining?

He's conceded to my point. See, boys and girls? I'm the ultimate wingman even when I'm not doing it on purpose! I'm just that good.)

" _Warwick._ " I snarled. The Blood Hunter sneered down at me as I approached (which was kind of impressive, given how he has a snout).

"So, you're the one that claims to be the sun." He leaned down, inches from my face. "I'm not impressed. You should know that at some point I've feasted on the blood of every single champion here." Warwick licked his chops. "It'll be fun to feast on yours next."

Now, remember what happened the _last_ time somebody got in my face? I'm sure you recall what happened with Diana. There weren't any walls nearby, however. Well, there _were_ , but they were too far away for me to use, and they were probably expensive.

So, I just settled for a table.

Without a single word, I wrapped my hand around Warwick's neck, hefted him up, then threw him over the top of my head. He crashed into a nearby table, splitting the wooden surface in half as he sprawled onto the ground.

The room erupted instantly, several summoners and champions crying out in shock. I advanced forward, my hair blazing, only this time, it was an angry shade of red.

"Champion, cease your attack at once!" A summoner yelled, but I ignored him. Instead, I conjured a fireball, and hurled it at Warwick. He'd already recovered, though, and sprang out of the way, the table he was on igniting.

"You shouldn't have done that, _whelp_." He growled, wiping a trickle of blood off his chin. "Now it's personal."

"Oh, it was already personal, _way_ before we met, you son of a _bitch!_ " I snapped, a burst of flame coming off me. He lunged forward, snapping his jaws. My scowl never left my face as I stepped to the side, holding my arm. I clotheslined him, his feet thrown out from under him as he crashed to the ground. Without missing a second, I grabbed him by his collar and threw him into a wall. Not _through_ one, mind you, but I did manage to knock out a few pieces of debris.

I made my hand into a clawed position, and bolts of plasma began to crackle around the palm, causing it to give off a sinister white glow. I was just about to hurl it, _end_ the bastard, when I heard a sharp _crash,_ followed by green gas surrounding me. I gagged as it flooded my nostrils, clutching my throat and dropping to one knee. I looked up to see Singed moving in for the kill, his bladed buckler held high. I growled, and lunged up with my right hand, catching it mid-strike. I clenched my fingers, and the wood splintered and cracked from the force applied. I then tore the buckler from his arm, and with two hands, smashed it into his face. The buckler snapped in two from the impact, Singed screaming from the splinters embedded into his skin. I kicked him in the gut, before punching him across the hall.

"I'll deal with _you_ later." I snarled, before refocusing my attention to Warwick.

I advanced on the injured werewolf, before gasping in pain. Chains of light had wrapped themselves around my ankles and shins, forcing me to stagger. I looked back to find several summoners on the other end, runes flickering around their outstretched arms.

"Restrain him!" One said, and they began to draw in their chains, dragging me backwards.

Of course, since they weren't high-level mages like Lissandra or Syndra, their efforts didn't have an effect for very long.

Grunting with the effort, I heaved one arm forward, snapping the attached chain like it was made of paper. The other chains soon followed, and without so much as a second glance towards them, I continued advancing on Warwick, who was hauling himself to his feet. I know, I'm slightly OP, but to be fair, summoners aren't required to know that much magic. The only thing they're really good at is transportation magic, because y'know, us champions aren't going to teleport ourselves.

"I can't _begin_ to tell you how long I've waited for this moment, you _asshole_ _!_ " I yelled, grabbing him by the throat. I hoisted him up, holding him in the air above me. I know that I didn't exactly look jubilant at that moment, but several of my friends told me afterwards that if looks could kill, I would've burned a hole through Warwick's face, not that I would have minded.

Warwick gave a small laugh. "So, it's...personal, is...that it?" He coughed, choking. "I don't...remember...hunting _you_ down."

"Oh, you know _exactly_ what you did, _mutt!_ " I snapped, tightening my grip. He clawed at my arm, but I barely noticed, squeezing harder. "What kind of person takes advantage of somebody else like that, huh?" I shook him a little. " _Answer me!_ "

His eyes narrowed in confusion, not to mention hostility. He probably would've torn me limb from limb. At least, if he hadn't just gotten the shit kicked outta him. "Need a reminder?" I glowered. "She _trusted_ you! She even _loved_ you! And instead of returning it like you _should have,_ you try to _kill_ her! And for what?! Profit? _Greed?_ _!_ " I scowled, shaking my head.

"No more." I said. "I'm ending you right here, _right now._ " My free hand erupted into white-hot flames. "I'm going to _put you down_ like the _dog_ that you are."

(Nasus, for the love of gods, I didn't mean you when I said it! It's different with you, you're an Ascended! It doesn't count!)

I curled my hand into a fist, drawing it back. "Helios, _don't!_ " Leona cried. "He's a champion of the Institute! If you do this, there will be consequences!"

" _I don't care._ " I replied, my gaze never leaving the wolf in front of me. "I've waited way too long to do this, I'm not passing up the opportunity now."

I clenched tighter around Warwick's throat, my other hand burning even brighter. "Night-night, _mutt."_ I said, flinging my fist forward, about to _end him_ for what he'd done, when suddenly-

"H-Helios?"

I froze, the voice echoing through my mind like a thunderclap. My fist stopped its trajectory, the flames dying down instantly. My hand quivering, I released my hold on Warwick, the wolf-man (I think that's what you call it, anyways. He isn't a real werewolf, so...I _guess_ wolf-man's the proper term?) toppling to the ground. I didn't even look at him, my eyes beginning to well up with tears as I turned around.

And there she was.

"R-Raka?"

* * *

As you guys have seen so far, I can get pretty angry at times. So angry that I often resort to expressing myself through ass-kicking. One example would be when Rek'Sai snapped my spear, or when Diana spat in my face. Those are prime representations of how you don't want to get on my bad side. But despite what you've seen, I only got angry. I didn't flip out.

When I flip out, and you're the unlucky soul that set me off, start praying. Only divine intervention will save you completely.

There have only been two instances in my entire life that I've completely gone nuts. Remember when I told you about how I met Selene, way back when I started this thing? My reaction to that looks _tame_ compared to the times when I get triggered. Let me explain further about one in particular.

Soraka and I go way back. We've been best friends for about as long as I can remember. When Aurelion first created us, we had the good fortune to be neighbors, at least from the perspective of stars. In reality, we were several light years away from each other, but to us it was like we were next-door neighbors. And did we hit it off. Raka's compassion fit well with my laid-back personality, and we spent most of our lives just hanging out together.

Oddly enough, Raka never made a planet of her own. She just preferred to spectate and watch everybody else get on with theirs. It turned out to be a good thing that she did. She took a special interest in Runeterra. She really like the lifeforms that I'd made, and would fawn over the humans and Yordles constantly.

(Some of you might be realizing that at some point Soraka probably thought your great-great-great grandparent were extremely cute. Is that weird? Admittedly, yes, but at the very least she liked them, unlike Selene, the dumb bitch. Raka was actually the first one I complained to when Ultra Bitch wrecked my planet. As best friends should, Raka did her best to comfort me after my rant.)

I was really surprised when Raka said she wanted to inhabit my planet. When I'd thought about it and given the okay (even though I had no idea how she was going to do it), she surprised me even further by compressing herself into a semi-human form. The horn, hooves and purple skin were a little weird, but I had to admit, it was a good look for her. I had a few friends make me a grove for her to live in, and then for the next few centuries she just chilled there, acting like a doctor to the sick and injured. I was pretty pleased with that bit. Back then medicine kinda sucked, so three cheers for miracle workers!

Then came Warwick. Oh, how I would grow to hate the day that he showed up. He'd come to Raka with his "wife," who'd apparently been murdered. She couldn't do anything to help her, 'cause she was dead, but instead she offered to help heal his pain. He'd left in a huff, and I thought that was the end of it. The problem was that back then Zaun was filled with so many noxious gases and chemicals that I could barely see anything at all. It's gotten better, but my video feed was still grainy.

So when Warwick came _back_ to get Raka's advice on other things, I felt that something was off. Hadn't the guy just come with his dead wife the day before? Why was he suddenly feeling better? It was a "hold the phone" moment, if you will. He just kept coming back again and again, and Raka looked like she was enjoying it. I _tried_ to tell her to be careful. "Something's up, Raka, be careful around him, Raka." Stuff like that. But she didn't listen. Eventually she told me she was starting to develop a crush on the guy. I mean, who falls in love with a guy named _Warwick?_ So when he needed her help, and he was about to die from the freaks who murdered his "wife," something was definitely ominous about the whole thing. I felt like I was watching a movie, right up to the moment where one of the good guys makes the dramatic "I'm actually a bad guy" reveal.

And when the moment came, when Warwick slid a knife in between Raka's ribs, I _flipped._ I went completely off the deep end. I suddenly couldn't hear her, at _all_. It was the punishment for what she'd done, even though it was with good intentions. The other stars could be such _dicks_ sometimes. But then I heard one last cry for help from Raka, asking for a bit of my power to help her out. And _boy,_ did I ever. I gave her just enough to hideously scar Warwick's face before I stopped hearing her completely. I just had to silently watch for the rest of my life, unable to help her if she needed it.

So, standing there in the Institute, seeing her in the flesh for the first time in years? That was a pretty big moment for me. Here come the feels, ladies and gentlemen.

"Is t-that...you, Helios?" She asked, a hand going up to cup her mouth as tears flooded her eyes, similar to mine.

"Yeah." My voice was barely a whisper as I smiled. "I-It's me. How've you been, Raka?"

"I...I...I just-" Raka just shook her head and rushed forward. I ran up to meet her, wrapping my arms around her in the fiercest hug I'd ever given.

" _I missed you so much._ " She buried her face into my neck, sobbing as she clasped her arms around my waist.

"I know." I pulled her closer, resting my chin on her shoulder as I cried a fair bit myself. "I missed you too."

"I...I don't understand." She pulled away, hands clutching my shoulders. "How are you here?"

"You want to know how many times somebody's asked me that question?" I smirked, wiping my eyes and sniffing. "You should already know the answer."

Raka's eyes narrowed for a moment. " _Selene._ "

"Bingo." I confirmed, before raising a hand to her cheek, delicately wiping off the streams running down with my thumb. "You look good, Raka."

"Thanks." She sniffed, smiling. "You don't look half-bad yourself."

"Well, I'm glad that I look appealing, at least." I grinned. She laughed. Oh, how I'd missed the sound of her laughter.

...I'm getting really sappy right now, aren't I? Shit.

"Helios." Kolminye called from behind.

"Hm?" I turned to face her. "Oh, High Councilor. Nice to meet you in person. What's up?"

She gestured to the room around me, which I'd pretty much trashed. "I don't suppose you could provide an explanation for this?"

I sweat-dropped. "Uh, eh-heh. _Right._ " I gave a sheepish look around the room, seeing everybody else giving us awkward looks. "Uh, sorry everybody. I kinda lost it for a second. I just, uh...had a score to settle."

Nidalee was actually wiping a tear from her eye. I think she was proud of me. Sweet.

"Right." Kolminye clapped her hands together. "Shall we get to properly introducing you to everyone?"

* * *

We ended up doing so in the Institute's auditorium, which was huge. It could probably fit several hundred people at once. It was where the drama club met, and as an extension where all the theater performances and plays took place.

I introduced myself to just about everybody, the auditorium packed to the brim with ever single summoner and champion at the Institute. It was pretty awkward at first. I gave my name, some basic info about myself, and managed to look like a total dork while I did so. I don't think anybody really believed I was the sun at that point.

But then I moved to the part where I started taking questions, and things went a little smoother from there. I even managed to get the audience to laugh a couple of times at my answers to questions about Selene. I got to poke a little bit of fun at Diana (who's arm had healed, what a shame), and they loved that.

Afterwards, Raka offered to take me on a tour of the Institute, which I happily accepted. I told Leona to go ahead without me, and then off we went.

And _damn,_ is the Institute cool. There was an arcade, a pool, a music room, a movie theater, a lounge, several bars and restaurants, just about everything you'd need to have a good time. I can't really go into all the details, because I really don't have the time. However, I _can_ tell you about what happened just as we were wrapping up.

"And that's just about it." Raka said, as we walked down to my room. "What do you think?"

"Are you kidding, this place is _awesome!_ " I exclaimed. "When can I move in?" She laughed.

"I'm happy that you like it." She said, before pointing down the hall, where the Targonian dorms were. "I have to go. The Ionian champions are having a meeting about what to watch for movie night, and everyone has to make a vote." She then wrapped me in another hug.

"I'm really glad that you're here, Helios." She whispered. "I've made a few friends here, but none of them really know me. Not like you." She pulled back, smiling. "I'll see you later, okay?"

I nodded, returning her expression. "Yeah. I'd like that."

Raka slowly pulled away, then turned on her, uh...well, she doesn't have _heels,_ so I guess she just turned on her hooves and walked back the way we came, disappearing around the corner.

I sighed contentedly, then turned around, only to smack my head into someone else's.

"Ow." I winced, rubbing my forehead. "Sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going, I just-"

I stopped.

And looked right into the face of my granddaughter.

"Oh. Hey, uh...Shyvana."

* * *

 _ **Surprise! :D**_


	15. Summoners and Robo-Poros

_**So, it's been a bit since I published the last chapter, and your reactions to the end of said chapter were exactly what I'd been hoping for! A few of you seem pretty confused as to how Shyvana, who is half-dragon, could possibly be Helios' great-great granddaughter. Worry not, dear friends, because the first thing I will do in this chapter is explain the blood ties. I decided to make Shy our hero's descendant for a few reasons. One of them is that Shyvana is pretty much my favorite female champion, and I wanted to figure out a way to include her in this fic, in a way that would be important to the plot, and so that she wasn't just thrown in there. Plus, it'll also explain a bit more of Runeterra's history. Also, I'm including my OC summoner this chapter. I hope you like him. Now, shall we?**_

* * *

Story Time, ladies and gentlemen.

So, depending on who you are, you might already know that Shyvana's my granddaughter. For those of you who _don't,_ yeah, my granddaughter's half-dragon. Pretty cool, am I right? Anyways, seeing as you're probably confused as to how we're related, I'll explain it to you. To do that, I'll need to educate you on how dragons were first created.

It all started when Aurelion was off in some distant corner of the universe, back when I was a star. He was a little busy making other stars, and I hadn't seen him in a while. Humans didn't exist at the time, but their creation, unknown to me back then, was just around the corner.

I was starting to miss the big guy. It could get pretty boring without him around, as Runeterra was still in the development phase. So, one day, I suddenly got a cool idea. I decided, that to keep myself occupied while Aurelion was away, I'd make a new species of animal for my planet, one that resembled Aurelion. End result: dragons.

They weren't perfect at first, though. The materials I used for the prototypes weren't of the highest quality. The first dragons crawled out of the earth, per some _very complicated_ biological programming. Unfortunately, they were about as dumb as a sack of rocks, and didn't have any wings. The second prototypes were sea serpent serpents, that came up from the muck on the ocean floor. They too weren't what I was looking for. They were real drips sometimes.

After a few centuries of failed experiments, I finally decided to get serious. Instead of using materials from Runeterra, I used a fragment of my own molten core. I basically hawked up a spitball, then spat it at the planet. It turned into a comet on the way down, which then cracked open like an egg. And voilá! First fire-breathing, winged dragons.

What, you thought it would be more complicated? If you're disappointed, too bad. I wasn't in the mood for an elaborate plan when I got cracking. And where else would dragons get their fiery breath from? That isn't something that just happens by itself, you know.

So yeah, I was basically a dad from that point on. The best part about dragons was that they were just as intelligent as humans, who had just started developing civilization by that point. I could have decent chats with them and everything!

But, ah, the one problem with a few of my offspring was that they were a little _too_ similar to Aurelion.

Which meant that they were arrogant assholes, putting it bluntly.

Eventually the nasty offspring started to outnumber the good ones, not to mention when they started wrecking human villages. I was starting to think that I'd dun goofed. I was even considering disowning a few. You might think that sounds cruel, but you'd understand if you were in my position.

There were a few exceptions, however, such as Shy's father, Leonidas, and my great-grandson. He was pretty tender, as far as most dragons went. I was really proud of him, especially when Shyvana was born (I'd made humans and dragons biologically compatible for a reason).

Wait, you're probably wondering why Shyvana is only my great-great-granddaughter. My bad, sorry. You want to know how many generations there are total in dragon history?

Four.

I'm not messing with you, that's literally all there is. I mean, do you know how long dragons _live?_ To put it simply, hella-long. Leonidas was actually considered young for his age when he had Shyvana, and he'd been around long enough to document the _Rune Wars._

So, that's how I have a half-dragon for a descendant. Now, back to where I was at the Institute.

Shyvana growled for a moment, rubbing where I'd hit her (she wasn't wearing her helmet) as a few embers flickered along her body. She then took a deep breath, and the flames subsided.

"It's fine." She said. "I was a little distracted, myself." She then looked right at me, and something changed in her posture. She didn't appear to be hostile, but she seemed sort of... _tense,_ I guess? Like there was something about me that unsettled her. That was weird. Maybe it'd been that scene with Warwick?

 _Oh,_ crap. People were going to be nervous around me after that, weren't they? I mean, I thought I'd made a good impression at the auditorium. Had I been wrong?

"I, um..." I feebly gestured to my room across the hall. "I was just going to my room."

"Okay." She replied. Gods, I was screwing this up so badly. She didn't know who I was at the time, so at the very least, it could've been worse.

"I'll just...go now." I said.

"Alright. I have a few urgent matters that I need to tend to, so I'll be taking my leave as well." Shyvana replied again, pushing past me and walking the same way Raka had. She paused for a moment, turning back to me.

"And...welcome to the Institute." She said, before turning the corner.

I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath until I let it out in a huff, my shoulders sagging.

"Well, that could've gone better." I said to myself, standing there awkwardly for a few seconds before turning around, heading to my room.

I was still trying to figure out what had just happened. I'd just met my granddaughter in the flesh for the first time, and she didn't even know me. On one hand, that kinda sucked. On the other, it was a bit of a relief. I mean, what do you say in that sort of situation? "Hi! I'm Helios! Nice to meet you! By the way, I'm your great-great-granddad! Wanna grab a hot cocoa?" Yeah, I can see _that_ going over well.

(Shyvana says that she might've considered it, since she's a certified Chocoholic. Well, that's nice to hear. Still, it would've been pretty awkward.

*sigh* _Yes,_ even more awkward than our first real conversation.

She doesn't really believe me. You'll see what I mean soon. Oh, hey, Shy, the date for the happy occasion's in a few weeks, right? Just need to know when to wear my Debonair outfit. Alright, sounds good, I can't wait!)

(AN: Slight hint at one more major plot point. I dare you to guess. I _dare_ you.)

Anyways, when I opened the door to my room, my jaw just about hit the floor.

It was _huge,_ way bigger than my room at the Solari temple. It had a massive living room with a fifty-inch widescreen TV, complete with a Hextech gaming console and stereo. It also had a kitchen, with a fully stocked pantry. And in the bathroom, the bathtub/shower was the equivalent of a _hot tub._ Oh, _yeeeeesssss!_ There was also a round flight of stairs that led to the master bedroom (there was also two guest rooms, why the hell would I even need those?). To cap it off, the windows in the living room provided a spectacular view of the gardens.

I whistled appreciatively. "I can _definitely_ work with this." I said.

* * *

After I'd spent about half an hour in the bathtub (at the end of which I looked like an eighty-five-year-old prune), I decided to see what the Institute could offer me as entertainment until lunchtime. I still had a few hours until then, so I elected to just see what I could find.

I'd been wandering for a bit, giving the occasional hello to summoners and other champions, when the sudden tune of music caused me to stop in my tracks. It came from a set of metal double doors that I'd just passed, which I found a little weird. Odd place for metal doors to be, the Institute.

"Is that...Go All The Way?" I asked myself, craning my ears ever so slightly. (AN: The song by the Raspberries, to be specific. Yes, I've decided to include Earth music. I don't exactly have the time to come up with my own pieces.)

To be honest, I'm a bit of a sucker for classic music. Don't get me wrong, I love it when Ahri cranks out a new pop album, but I prefer the old-fashioned hits more. So, I opened the door to take a peek. Whoever played music like that clearly had taste.

I was met with the sight of what appeared to be a workshop of some sort, judging by all the tools, gadgets and gizmos hanging from the walls. The music I'd heard was coming from a Hextech radio on a table, and several worktables littered the room, all of them piled with various projects. I was no tech expert, but the stuff there looked pretty advanced, even by Piltovan standards.

There wasn't just tech in there, either. It also had a bunch of vials, beakers and test tubes, like something Singed (that asshole) would use to decorate _his_ workspace. Along with them, there were several holographic chalkboards (those were neat), all of them with equations and formulas scribbled across them. It was basically Nerd Heaven. Well, if there _was_ a nerd heaven. There's only one afterlife. I've only had the good fortune to see it _once,_ and it's a pretty zany place, let me tell you; not to mention _big. No,_ I'm not telling you what it looks like. That would be telling.

Then I heard a little squeak coming from below my right knee. I looked down, and saw a robotic poro.

A robotic. Poro.

I swear, I'd never seen anything like it. It had the shape of a regular poro, but completely made of metal, with wires and gears visible beneath the individual pieces of plating that made up the body. It's horns were also metal (no shit, right?), made up of various segments that fit into each other. As for the face, there weren't any eye sockets. Instead, there was an oval-shaped screen, where two glowing blue eyes flickered up at me.

Its mouth was clamped down around the rim of some sort of headset. As I looked closer, I realized it was the one that Sona used occasionally, when she was going DJ instead of playing her ethwal.

"Well, what's a little guy like you doing with something like that?" I asked, stooping down to pry the headset from the poro's grip. That's when things got interesting.

Instead of me prying the headset from the poro, there was a sudden flash of blue light, and he was gone, along with Sona's headset. A digitized squeak (that was somehow even cuter than the original) from behind me revealed that somehow, the poro was now on one of the worktables, his metallic tail wagging repeatedly.

"What the...?" I stared at a few moments, before an impressed smirk grew on my face. "Quick little guy, aren't you?"

The poro squeaked again in reply, puffing out its chest. Oh, great. A poro with an ego. This was gonna be fun.

"Sparks!" The door swung open, revealing a guy that looked about my human age, if not just a little younger. "Where'd you go with that headset, you mischievous little-" He stopped as he noticed the two of us. "Oh, hey. You're that new champion, Helios, right? You need something?"

The first thought I had was _red._ His hair and eyes were the exact same shade of scarlet, even deeper than Sarah's. It was like he'd put a bunch of rubies in a blender, then dumped the mixture on his head. He was also wearing a black short-sleeved shirt that was unbuttoned, with a white t-shirt underneath, plus jeans and sneakers to complete the look.

Oh, and there was also his left arm. It was made of metal. I had to admit, that was pretty cool. What, did _everybody_ in here have one or more robotic appendages? Had I stumbled into some sort of clubroom by mistake?

"Uh, no, not at the moment." I replied.

"Then help me get that headset." He pointed to the poro. The small, strangely adorable robot in question started to whine, shaking his head with Sona's headset still in his mouth.

" _Yes,_ you have to give it back." He sternly said, hands on his hips. "Sona's expecting me to get it fixed, and she needs it by the end of today." He then muttered " _For the umpteenth time._ " I had no idea what that was all about.

The poro then blew a raspberry, which I had to admire from the sheer sass. And the fact that it even knew what blowing a raspberry _was._

"Alright, have it your way." He said, holding up both hands defensively. He gave a quick wink in my direction, before turning his back to the poro. "I guess you can keep the - gotcha!"

He lunged back towards the poro, but it had already disappeared again, this time at the top of a shelf.

"I swear, that is the _last_ time I build something that can teleport." He muttered. "Come on, help me catch him." He said to me.

The next few minutes quickly dissolved into absolute chaos. The poro, whose name was Sparks, I discovered, absolutely refused to give up Sona's headset. Several worktables and shelves toppled over in our mad scramble to snag the little guy. It took us about fifteen minutes, and by that point I was getting irritated.

"Alright, Sparks, let's see if you can get out of _this!_ " He shouted, tossing a glowing blue orb of tech at the robo-poro (oh, I am _so_ coining that name!). It suddenly sprang open, surrounding Sparks with a glowing blue field, leaving him completely frozen.

"Time bubble." He smirked. "He won't get out unless I let him." He walked right over to the little guy, plucked the headset from his mouth, and with a press of a button, released Sparks from the bubble. The robot whined, his horns slightly drooping.

My new friend sighed. "Alright, _fine._ You can have _one_ screwdriver, but that's _it_ for today, understand?" Sparks squeaked excitedly, running around his legs.

"Sorry about that." He said. "Sparks can be a bit of a peeve sometimes, but I don't have the heart to reprogram him." He stuck out his metal arm with a smile. "I don't think I've properly introduced myself. Ellis Delande, nice to meet you."

I shook it, staring at the prosthetic. "Helios." Ellis smirked.

"What, never seen a metal arm before?" He asked. Seeing my bashful expression, he laughed. "It's fine, I get that a lot. I lost the original in a hovercar accident, if you were wondering."

"Ouch." I winced. Hovercars were a common thing in Piltover. They could get pretty high, and if one crashed, well...you wouldn't enjoy it if you were in it while it did.

"It's only a prototype, though." Ellis continued, turning away from me while fiddling with Sona's headset. "The finished model isn't ready yet."

"You're from Piltover?" I asked.

"Born and raised." He replied, grabbing a few tools from a table. Picking up a screwdriver, he tossed it to Sparks, who miraculously devoured the whole thing. I silently promised to never put my hand near his mouth again.

"Since I don't recall seeing you being advertised as a champion, I'm guessing you're a summoner?" I inquired.

Ellis momentarily froze, tensing his shoulders before relaxing again. "Yeah." He said, his tone slightly irritated. "But only in name. I've never actually participated in a match." He chuckled somewhat bitterly. "I'm all the way down at square one."

"Really?" I raised an eyebrow. "How come?"

"That's a bit of a long story." He sighed, leaning back against the table.

I shrugged. "I've got time."

"When I was ten, I built my first robot." Ellis began, turning back to the headset. "My parents, both college professors, didn't know what to make of it." He pried a few wires from the headset with his metal arm, replacing them with new ones. "When I was fourteen, I had already graduated. By fifteen, I was looking for a job."

"The problem was that I was smart. _Really_ smart. My ideas went completely over the heads of my parents, and even some of the smartest scientists in Piltover." Ellis deflated a little. "I once made a working fusion reactor on a dare, with nothing but an alarm clock, a microwave, and an old antenna."

"Damn." Was my only reply.

"Exactly." Ellis picked up the headset, turning it on. It glowed with a few holographic displays, before he turned it off again. "Then I got picked up by Heimerdinger. He saw something in me, I guess, offered me the position of his lab assistant at the Institute. The only problem was that champions and summoners are the only people allowed inside. I can't fight for shit, so..."

Ellis momentarily conjured a fireball in his hand, before letting it dissipate. "I became a summoner. The silver, gold and platinum-tiers kinda hate my guts for it, so I mostly just stick to my lab, where I'm free to work on whatever I want." He chuckled, turning back towards me with the headset. "But that's enough about me and my problems. Why'd you stop by, anyways?"

"It was, ah...the music I heard." I rubbed the back of my neck. "I'm a bit of a sucker for the classics."

"Oh, that?" He laughed. "Well, for a star, you've got pretty good taste. I like to jam occasionally when I'm working."

All of a sudden, a loud _bang_ came from the door that Ellis emerged from. "Shit!" His face paled. "My project!"

"Your... what?" I asked, but by then he was already pushing me out the door.

"Sorry, but I have something to take care of." He said, handing me Sona's headset. "Would you mind giving this to Sona for me?"

"Uh, sure." I replied. "But what are you-"

"Sorrycan'ttalknowmylabmightexplodeifIdon'ttakecareofthisgottagobyyyyyyye!" He said in a singsong voice, slamming the door in my face.

"Er..." I trailed off. "Well, then. That was... something."

So that's how I met my first summoner friend.

* * *

After my encounter with the Institute's tech support, I found myself wandering the halls aimlessly. Again. The problem was that I was hungry. My stomach made it impossible to focus on _anything._ Our digestive overlords can be so _demanding_ sometimes, you know?

(Ellis is protesting to the title of "tech support." Well, last time I checked, Mister Smartass, you spend most of your time fixing everybody's techy shit!

Fine, _Doctor_ Smartass. Happy now?)

I wound up walking right into Aatrox, the Darkin Blade. "Watch yourself." He growled, raising his sword (which is in fact alive, rumor confirmed). "Or you will become my next masterpiece."

"Cut the bullshit, Aatrox, I'm not in the mood." I deadpanned. "And last time I checked, being a fanatic about killing stuff was Jhin's thing."

Aatrox rolled his eyes. "Can't appreciate an an attempt at humor, Helios?"

"You were trying to be funny?" I raised an eyebrow. "Since when do _you_ have a sense of humor?"

Aatrox briefly sneered in response, before turning to walk with me. "Still mouthy as ever, I see."

"Well, at least I'm not edgy like Vayne." I replied. "I was going to go get some chow. Wanna come with?"

Aatrox sneered again. "You know that I despise human food, Helios. Or has your human form dulled your memory?"

"Bullshit, I seem to recall you having a particular affinity for steaks." I replied

"Oh?" Aatrox snorted. "And how would you know that is true?"

I waggled my eyebrows with a cheeky grin. "Because if I remember correctly, you sometimes sneak over to Demacia, where Kayle eats one with you on your da-"

Aatrox slapped a clawed hand over my mouth. "Not. A _word._ To _anyone._ " He glowered. I gave him a thumbs-up to signify my comprehension.

"Very well, then." He grumbled. "I will join you."

"Oh, quit making it sound like such a bad thing." I gave him a playful shove. "C'mon, the restaurants should be open by now."

The food court was already packed by the time we got there. Champions and summoners were all freely mingling, seated in front of their respective restaurants/cafés.

"Helios!" Raka called, waving us over from a table. "Come join us!"

I glanced towards Aatrox. "The place she's eating at looks like it has some pretty good meat. Mind if we hang with her?"

The Darkin sighed. "If we must." You want to know what the best thing about being a divine landlord is? You can act completely casual towards people like Aatrox and Kindred, and they'll just suck it up and take it in stride. It's certainly better than the alternative, which is dying, because, y'know, you accidentally pissed them off.

"Sweet, thanks. Now, who will I be socializing with today...?" I asked myself, skimming my eyes over Raka's companions. Ahri (who already looked like she had something mischievous planned for me), Ezreal, Nami (oh, gods, I was going to have to suffer some cheesy moments, wasn't I?), Sona, and Leona. Well, I guess I should've figured that Raka would be hanging with other girls, eh? At least they were all reasonable, and hey, Leona was there, so I'd probably survive.

"Uh...why is Aatrox with you?" Ezreal asked nervously, his arm around Nami's shoulders. If it wasn't so adorable, I'd probably have thrown up, right then and there.

"Eh, just dragging the big lug with me to get some chow." I smirked, pulling up two chairs.

"How?" Ezreal raised an eyebrow. "I'd end up as a stain on the pavement if I so much as asked."

"I'm his landlord, remember?" I briefly stopped to order a drink from a waitress (I was curious to try alcohol for the first time). "He has to do what I say, most of the time."

"Helios, are you abusing your authority for once?" Raka grinned.

"You wound me with such accusations, Raka." I feigned indignity, placing my hand on my chest. "But to answer your question, kinda, yeah."

We all laughed for a brief moment (except Aatrox, he was moody as ever), before I remembered the headset I had with me. "Oh, hey, Sona." I tossed her the headset. "This guy named Ellis asked me to give that to you. He had to deal with something, and couldn't give it to you in person."

She blinked a few times. " _Oh. Erm...thank you, Helios._ " She replied mentally. It was a little weird to hear another voice inside of my head again. I was kind of hoping to forget the episode with Rational-Me, especially that one time where I tried to jump a gorge. Sona also seemed kind of...disappointed?

"You met Ellis?" Ezreal asked, an eyebrow raised. "How'd _that_ go?"

"It was..." I trailed off, trying to find the right words. "Something. The robo-poro was kinda cool, though."

"Isn't he _adorable?_ " Nami nearly squealed. "He's _so_ cute!"

"But not as cute as Ellis, _right,_ Sona?" Ahri grinned mischievously.

"... _I have no idea what you mean._ " She replied, somewhat bashfully.

"Hoah, whoah, what's this I hear?" I leaned across the table, smiling. "Dost mine ears deceive me? Is there a little gossip I can catch, here?"

Sona blushed, taking a sip of her wine (it was the good stuff too, but that's not important). " _It's not what you think. Me and Ellis are simply close friends. We share a common interest in music, and he's always kind enough to fix my headset whenever it isn't working properly._ "

"Only because _you_ keep messing with it intentionally." Ahri retorted, leaning back in her chair with a coy expression.

Sona lifted a finger, as if to protest, but failed to respond.

My eyes lit up. " _Really,_ now?" I said. "And might I ask _why?_ "

"She keeps on using her headset as an excuse to talk to him." Nami said. "That's why she was disappointed when you gave it to her. Now she has to be direct in asking him to dinner."

Sona nearly spat out her drink. " _What made you think I want to do_ that?!"

Ahri rolled her eyes. "Oh, _please._ You should be surprised that we even know you like Ellis at _all,_ considering that not many actually know _who_ he is."

"Now, this is kinda off topic." I said, taking a sip of my drink, which had just arrived (and nearly spat it out from the bitter flavor). "But he also mentioned making a - what's it called? - fusion reactor from a bunch of old crap or something?"

"He wasn't lying." Ezreal replied bluntly. "He really did. Vi was the one who dared him."

"Damn." I replied, similar to earlier.

"That's not all." He continued. "Heimerdinger once measured his IQ level when he wasn't looking."

"What were the results?" I asked.

"Two-hundred eighty-seven." He replied.

" _What the f-_ "

"You don't have to say it." Raka cut in.

"Yeah, but... _damn._ " I whistled. "Is that even _possible?_ "

Ezreal shrugged. "Well, _apparently._ "

"How does a guy even get that-" I stopped, for two reasons. One, the waitress came back to take my order, which was a cheeseburger, because I needed meat (Aatrox was already clamoring for a rare steak). Two, I glimpsed Shyvana across the food court. She was eating with Jarvan, along with a few other Demacian champions. She caught me staring at her, and we made eye-contact for a few moments before I shook myself out of my stupor. I already knew about her "situation" with Golden Boy, not that I minded. I was pretty grateful that he'd saved her life a few years ago, actually. He was a good guy, and I knew that he'd treat her well. Plus, if they got hitched, my granddaughter would be the future Queen of Demacia! How's _that_ for bragging rights?

"Helios?" Raka waved a hand in front of me. " _Runeterra to Helios._ What's going on? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I waved a hand dismissively, focusing on my food. "What were you saying?"

She slightly narrowed her eyes. "Don't lie to me, Helios. I've known you long enough to tell the difference."

"Well, uh..." I puffed out a breath of air, tugging at the collar of my shirt. "It's, uh..."

"Dude, just spit it out." Ezreal said, a little irritated.

"I..." I sighed. "Talked to Shyvana a little while ago."

Raka's eyes widened. " _Oh._ _That._ "

"What?" Ezreal asked. "What about Shyvana?"

"Well..." Raka sweat-dropped. "How exactly do we explain this?"

"You see..." I fumbled with my words a little. "She's kinda...sorta...maybe...my great-great-granddaughter."

Silence.

More silence.

And even more after that.

 _Still_ more silence.

Silencey silencey silence.

Wow, what a lot of silence!

Could I maybe get a sound _other_ than silence, if that would be okay?

" ** _WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!_** "

Thank you.

"Uh...could you maybe keep quiet about this until I'm ready to tell her myself?"

* * *

 _ **And there we go!**_

 _ **So, I hope you understood my explanation of Shyvana's relation to Helios. It may not be what you were expecting, but just roll with it. Also, as for my OC summoner, I may have inserted him a little suddenly, but I need to crank out a Snowdown chapter soon and I need to get a move on with the plotline until then. Next chapter will have more stuff, and quite possibly, a big moment for our hero, but you'll have to wait and see what that is. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	16. I Nuke The Rift (Gangplank Started It)

_**Ready to get started? Once again, guys and gals, this is FicfansEverywhere, bringing you another chapter! I have decided that this chapter, Helios will be partaking in his first match! It won't be until a little while into the chapter, though. This might mean that it could be a slightly longer chapter than normal; we'll just have to wait and see. I'm pretty much just writing this as I go along. I can't think of anything else to add, so how about we just get started, ah? LET'S GO!**_

* * *

"So...why am I agreeing to this, again?" I asked Ahri, the two of us crouched low.

"Don't be like that, it'll be fun." She smirked. "What, scared?"

"Of what'll happen if Nid catches us? You're damn right I am." I replied.

The two of us were currently hiding in the kitchen of the Maid Café, which Nidalee worked at. I had discovered this a few days after the shocked outburst from my friends, when I told them about Shyvana. They had promised not to tell, and true to their word, Shy hadn't kicked down the door to my room yet, which was nice.

I first saw Nidalee dressed as a maid after I'd finished my food. Boy, someone needed to get a camera for my reaction. I think I wet myself. Seeing my mirth, Ahri decided a prank was in order as payback for Nid not telling me a few days later. I was dressed in a red t-shirt with a sun emblem, along with dark grey cargo pants and sneakers. Ahri had on a white leather jacket, with a red tank-top underneath, plus skinny jeans to go with them. What, did you think we wore our combat outfits _all_ the time? They're pretty cool, granted, but can get a little cramped after a while.

"So, remember the plan?" Ahri asked.

"You only want me to switch the sugar with salt." I deadpanned. "That isn't exactly hard to remember."

"Good." Ahri flicked her head towards the container of salt in my hands, then to the sugar on a shelf. "Well, go on, do it!"

"Me?" I said. "Why do I have to do it?"

"Because I'm the mastermind of this operation. I'm supervising." She replied.

"Oh, well in that case, everything's just dandy!" I grumbled. Sneaking along the floor when the maids weren't looking (which wasn't that hard, they were practically just standing there oblivious), I took the container of sugar, dumped it's contents into a nearby trashcan, and replaced it with salt.

Quietly as possible, I snuck back over to Ahri, who was peering around the corner on lookout. She was completely motionless, her tails frozen in midair. Clever. Nidalee taught me back in Kumungu that motionless targets are always harder to see. Ahri must've picked it up from Shen. The perks of being friends with a ninja...

"Well?" Ahri asked. "Do it while nobody's looking!"

I raised an eyebrow, confused. "What're you talking about? I just did."

"When? I only told you to replace the sugar only a few seconds ago." She replied skeptically. Still confused, I motioned towards the container on the shelf. She sniffed the air, her heightened sense of smell examining the contents.

Her brow furrowed, which meant she had confirmed my statement. "How did you-" She just shook her head. "Nevermind. Let's get going so we can get a good view of the results."

We didn't have to wait long. As soon as we got to our table in the corner of the food court, shrieks and cries of disgust began to ring out.

"Ah, music to my ears." Ahri sighed contentedly. "Are you filming this?"

"Oh, yeah." I grinned, holding up my smartphone. All champions and summoners got one when they arrived at the Institute, courtesy of a few deals with Piltover. "This is _so_ great!"

"See? I told you it was a good idea." She smirked.

"Yeah, yeah." I waved a hand dismissively. "I won't doubt you in the future."

"AHR _IIIIIIIII_ _!_ " Nidalee's furious voice cried out as she stomped towards us. "I know it was you again, you-" She stopped as she saw me.

"Kit." She growled, eyes thinning to slits. "When I get a hold of you, I'm _gonna shove my spear down your throat until it comes out your asshole!_ "

"And that's our cue to run like hell!" I announced, springing from my chair with Ahri close behind. We dashed from the room, Nidalee hot on our heels (in Ahri's case, literally, which was impressive, considering she was wearing heels).

"You know something, Ahri?" I asked as we ran. "I think that this is the start of a beautiful friendship!"

"I agree!" She beamed.

"HiLeonahiRakahiAureliondon'tminduswedidn'tdoanythinglater!" I called to the three of them as we sprinted past. I could almost hear Leona's facepalm from where I was at the time. I was probably going to get berated later, especially by Raka. Oh well. Totally worth it!

All of a sudden, I found myself being engulfed by a strange blue glow, which was making me disappear from the legs up. "Uh, Ahri?!" I called. "What's going on with my legs?!"

"You're being summoned for a match!" She replied. "I'll see you later! I hope you win!"

"Okay, but what am I supposed to-"

I vanished completely.

* * *

I wound up materializing in midair, above the Rift.

"Oh, perfect." I grumbled, before I faceplanted into the dirt. I was still wrapping my mind around what had just happened, so I didn't really think to use my gravity powers.

"Yay, dirt." I said, spitting out a few clumps. "What, no mud to go with it? How inconsiderate."

"I prefer goat's milk myself, friend." A heavily accented voice laughed. "But I see what you mean."

"Braum, what's up, my man?" I grinned as I stood up, clasping his hand. "Still pumping those irons?"

"It is a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, Helios!" The Heart of the Freljord smiled under his bushy mustache, which, might I add, is downright fabulous. "Anivia has told us many things about you!"

"All good things, I hope?" I asked with a lopsided smile. Braum laughed.

"Do not worry, my friend, from what she has told us, it will be a pleasure to fight by your side!" He boomed. He was loud like that.

"Hang on a sec, I forgot to change." I looked down, only to see myself in my Solari armor. "Huh. Instant wardrobe change. That's nifty." I clapped my hands together, looking around the Rift. "Alright, who are we working with?"

"Hey." Jax waved, one hand gripping his lamppost. It was gonna be a blast watching him wreck with that thing. Especially how it was always so humiliating for his opponents. I mean, they got smacked with a _lamppost!_ "What's up?"

"Well, I was in the middle of running away from Nidalee with Ahri, then got transported here." I shrugged. "You?"

"I was wrapping up a beer." He said.

"Alright, then." I took a glance towards Graves, who was loading his shotgun. "'Sup, Graves?"

"Howdy." He grunted, taking a puff from his cigar.

"Alright, now who else do we have for-" My eyes widened.

 _Aw, hell._ I thought.

It was Shyvana.

"Shy." I greeted, with a dip of my head. "Hey."

"Helios." She replied. She was tense again. Guarded, now that I thought about it. Not like there was something unpleasant about me, but rather that I could blow at any minute. Weird. It was kind of a shame. I really wanted to have a decent relationship with her, but I had no idea how to introduce myself as her grandfather.

 _Well, you could always just tell her._ A familiar voice called in my mind.

"Ellis?" I said. "What're you doing in my head?"

 _I'm your summoner for this match._ He replied. _This is my first one too, so I'm a little nervous._

"I thought you didn't want to do matches?"

 _Yeah, but this morning I finally had enough after several platinum-tiers decided to beat the shit out of me._ Ellis said nonchalantly. _I figured it was time to prove that I could actually do a fair bit of summoning, and since we're both pretty much rookies when it comes to this sorta thing, I figured I'd summon you. Besides, there was an open spot for a casual match (one of the few that_ aren't _disputes) and I decided to take the opportunity while I still could._

"Dude, what the hell?!" I exclaimed. "They did _what?!_ "

 _Meh, I've gotten used to it. Besides, it wasn't so bad. Sona caught them in the act. She activated her Rage-Mode._ He replied.

"Yikes." Since our minds were connected, I saw the memory he was having. I don't think I've ever seen someone with an ethwal be so terrifying. I would never look at the Maven of Strings the same way again. "What happened afterwards?"

 _Well, uh...she asked me to dinner._ He said nervously. _I'm not entirely sure what she's trying to accomplish._

"Maybe she likes you." I smirked.

 _Maybe you're delusional._ Ellis shot back. _Come on,_ me? _Out of all people? We might've known each other for almost a year, but we're just friends! It's probably just a little get-together!_

"Yeah, whatever man." I said. "Now, about Shy..."

 _I got it, I got it, I won't tell._ He confirmed. _Now, how about we get started? Does top lane sound good to you?_

"Which one is that again?" I asked.

 _The one all the way to the left._

"Oh. Sure."

 _Alrighty, then._ The summoner said. _Also, I should probably tell you who we're up against. We've got Gangplank, Nautilus, Master Yi, Orianna, and... #$% my life...Teemo._

My teammates all let out a collective groan, most likely receiving the same information. "Well, ain't that just dandy." Graves scowled.

Now, some of you, who have observed Teemo from afar, probably have no idea why he is the bane of all existence. He seems pretty friendly, and actually kinda cute.

It's only when you talk to him do you realize that he's Hell incarnate.

First, there's his voice. It sounds like a goddamn toddler's! It's way too high-pitched, and it's really creepy when he's making remarks while he's killing you. That's the other thing: outside of matches, he's a jolly little bundle of joy. _During_ matches, however, he's a cold-blooded psychopath. It's like that one movie with the knights and the flesh-eating rabbit. It shouldn't be capable of murdering everything in sight, but it is.

(AN: Monty Python, anyone?)

"Sorry about that, guys." I sweatdropped. "If I hadn't made Yordles, Teemo wouldn't have existed. My bad."

"Do not blame yourself, Helios." Braum replied. "You could not have forseen the outcome. Now then!" He turned towards his lane. "I do believe we have a match to win!"

The announcer's voice boomed overhead, slowly counting down. I had to give the Institute credit; they picked a pretty dramatic voice for the matches. And you know how much of a sucker I am for the dramatic.

"THREE!"

I squared my shoulders, crouching towards my lane. Braum followed behind me. He was gonna be my wingman for this, huh? Nice.

"TWO!"

Shyvana stepped towards the jungle, flames licking around her body. Badassery runs in the family, know what I'm saying? I am _so,_ so proud.

"ONE!"

My fingers tightened around the shaft of my axe. I heard the sound of Graves loading his shotgun, while catching Jax spinning his lamppost near mid.

 _"MATCH START!_ "

I took off at a sprint, an enthusiastic "Let's go!" barreling out of my mouth as I charged. Braum laughed in agreement, holding his shield at the ready.

 _Do you know how this whole thing works?_ Ellis asked. _We'll be a lot better at this if I don't have to explain it to you._

"Yeah! Raka filled me in!" I replied. "Kill stuff, get juiced up, attack the giant crystal-thingy, and go ham on the Baron!"

 _...More or less, yeah._ He confirmed. _Minions are up ahead. Ours will be joining us in a bit._

"Got it!" I saw them just as he finished telling me. They were actually kinda cute. They weren't even half my height. And the toothpicks they had for weapons just made them look like big, mean plushies.

"Aww, aren't you adorable?" I crouched down to look one in the eyes. "And I'm supposed to kill you? I don't really see why I should-OW!"

The little guy ended up jabbing me in the side with his sword. I stumbled backwards, profanities spewing from my mouth. I felt blood when I delicately fingered where it had struck.

"I wouldn't recommend trying that again, Helios." Braum warned as he advanced on the others, albeit with a hint of mirth. "They have been magically enhanced to be able to damage us, and worse, kill us."

"Oh, you don't say." I muttered. "Alright, runts, my qualms about killing you are pretty much dead. Time to unleash the hurt!"

I swung downwards with my axe, splitting the minion in two. I'll spare you the gory details, but the next few minutes basically involved me and Braum going to town. I made the occasional complaint for the minions to stop poking my ass (it was the only spot they could reach), and other than that, it actually wasn't too hard.

Of course, that's when a gunshot rang out, and I felt something pierce my skin, right under the heart. I cried out in pain, dropping to my knees.

"Helios!" Braum ran over, placing himself in front of me while deflecting incoming magic bursts with his shield. "Are you injured, my friend?"

"I'll...be good..." I gasped. "I need fire."

"It shall be done!" He roared, charging forward. "Be careful for now!"

"I would take his advice, boy." A voice made itself known, with an oh-so-familiar piratey accent. "But you'll be too busy drowning in your own blood to listen."

 _"Planky!_ " I managed a grin up at the disgraced captain, whose gun's barrel was smoking. "How nice to meet you!"

Gangplank sneered. "Watch your tongue, boy." He crouched down, pressing the tip of his flaming cutlass to my cheek. "I'll cut it out soon enough."

I smirked. "Really?" I snatched the blade with one hand, drawing in the flames. "It might be hard. I'm a little mouthier than most."

I kicked out with one leg, sending him flying back amidst the fighting. Standing up, I checked the wound he'd given me. It'd stopped bleeding, at least. Hissing with pain, I yanked out the bullet, before crushing it into powder. Planky (and yes, just to piss him off, I'm calling him that) had gotten a lucky shot, through the chinks in my armor. Go figure. Stupid Lady Luck, being a bitch. There actually _is_ a goddess of luck, and she's pretty fond of Twisted Fate.

(Fate doesn't know how to react to that. I don't blame him. He better hope Evelynn doesn't find out.)

"Well, come on, then!" I said. "Let's have a go!"

 _Uh, Helios, buddy, you sure about this?_ Ellis asked.

"'Course I am." I snorted. "I'm an overpowered badass!" I charged, Gangplank moving in to intercept me. Our blades clashed, and we began to brawl.

Planky was a dirty fighter. He might've brought a cutlass to an axe-fight, but he made up for it in underhanded feints and a particular fondness for trying to shoot me at point-blank range.

"What's the matter, Planky?" I ducked under a swipe of his cutlass, giving a few sharp kicks to his side before hurling a bolt of plasma, which managed to singe his beard. "Getting slow, you old dog?"

"I can still gut you like a fish, boy." He snarled.

"Oh, real original, fish puns!" I retorted. "Who would've guessed?"

"Boy, if you don't stop babbling like an infant-"

"You'll what? Make me walk the plank?" I snickered, elbowing him in the face. "Or sing me a shanty? I've always wanted to hear one up close."

I stopped briefly, jumping backwards. "Saaaaaaayyyy, that reminds me!" I grinned evilly. "I think I have one you'll just love to hear!" Opening my mouth wide, I launched into one of the the only shanties I knew, which was the one Gangplank really hated.

" _Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate's life for me!_ "

Ah, the joys of being an ass!

Planky roared in outrage. "Boy, I swear that I'll see you dead if it's the last thing I do!" All that seawater must've made him salty. Just then, I heard a shrill whistling, the kind that's followed by a lot of explosions. I looked up to see a volley of cannonballs shrieking towards me. Never mind how Planky even managed to get his ship on the Rift. Honestly, it's a little stunning how far Kolminye will go to help even things out.

"Helios, take cover beneath my shield!" Braum urged, but instead, I just stood there.

 _So, since we're linked, I can see what you're thinking, and while I'm not completely on board with this, go ahead if you're sure you've got this._ Ellis said.

"Oh, I've _definitely_ got this." I replied.

Reaching out with both arms, I pushed against the volley's field of gravity. The balls slowed down until they were completely motionless, circling around me.

"Hmm...let's see..." I took a few seconds to go over them, before grabbing one I liked.

"Here's the wind-up..." I gripped the cannonball in one hand, before turning towards Gangplank with my arm held back.

"Aaaaand the _pitch!_ " I chucked it at him. If a cannonball can be chucked at a hundred miles per hour, that is. Planky crashed through several trees before tumbling into the turf.

"So, here's the thing." I crouched down beside him, elbows on my knees. "I'm a little too powerful for my own good. I can do a lot of things, and I doubt my skillset is finished growing."

"Oh, and one more thing: I'm several billion years older than you are, so quit calling me 'Boy.' I casually gravity-flinged him up into the air, until he was just a tiny speck.

Then he hit the ground. Ouch. He was pretty much dead.

"Well, assuming it's gonna be that easy every time, I doubt that this match will take long." I said.

* * *

Wanna guess what happened?

Totally jinxed it. _Again._ Is anyone keeping track of these things? I lost count. Seriously, _somebody_ _shoot me._ I'll wind up being the death of us all if I continue.

(Oh, for gods' sake, Jinx, stop laughing! It's not even a good pun!)

So, the rest of the match was going pretty smoothly. Even though Teemo was working his dark magic on Graves (who was frequently screaming "SHROOMS!" at the top of his lungs, which told me all I needed to know), we were holding our own. Planky kept getting fed to the sharks (that's a pirate pun, right?), and I didn't even die once. Then again, almost-dying is more my shtick. Actual death is a little tricky for me.

I had to switch lanes a few times though, when Nautilus was giving Shy a hard time. I'm overprotective like that. Parenting is hard. Shy got a little irritated that I kept swooping in at the last minute. Apparently she could "handle herself."

 _(What,_ Shy? Can you blame me? You know that I care a lot!)

(For the _last time,_ Karthus, I will _not_ try turning myself into a zombie! They aren't hygienic! And the ladies wouldn't swoon over me like they normally do!)

Then came Baron Nashor. The Boss Bastard himself. At least, I _think_ it's a he. Even I'm not reckless enough to look under the hood.

So, when Ellis told me that he'd spawned, and I made a beeline to his nest, the first thought I had was:

 _What the $ & # was Kolminye thinking when she dragged this thing to the Rift?_

I mean...why? Just _why?_

Where do you even _get_ something like that? I sure as hell don't remember creating that thing. Which means that either I wasn't paying attention or somebody decided to toy with genetics a little. If it was the latter, I was gonna make sure they got what was coming to them.

"Sooo...why exactly do we have to kill this thing?" I asked Ellis as the two teams sprinted to Nashor's nest.

 _Beats me._ He replied. _I guess Kolminye has a sense of humor after all._

"Yeah, _I know that,_ but I didn't think she'd do something like _this._ " I grumbled. "I mean, having to kill a giant monster seems a little cli- _OH MY MOTHER$% &#-ING GODS WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!_"

As you can guess, that was my initial reaction to seeing Nashor. And _damn,_ he was _ugly._ Especially with the two extra mouths that were dripping acid. What would you even need two extra mouths for?!

"Wow." I stared up at him. "You are all _kinds_ of ugly, aren't you?"

I must've hurt his feelings, because the next thing I knew I was whipped into a wall. "Ugh." I shook my head, clearing out the black spots clouding my vision. "I suppose I deserved that one. Right, you little bitch, time to die."

The enemy team then entered the nest, and Gangplank especially looked like he wanted to hurt me.

"Teamfight!" I yelled enthusiastically, picking myself up and charging forward. "Come on guys, let's go!"

My teammates followed close behind me, and what followed quickly dissolved into a scene of absolute chaos. Blue Team vs Red Team vs Baron Nashor, which was actually kinda fun. Fireballs and poison flying everywhere, Planky shooting out strings of curses as I mocked his hat, it was a blast. Teemo was a little creepy, though, but that isn't really surprising. He kept on trying to hit me with his stupid poison darts, but due to the carnage he had terrible aim.

A swing of Nautilus' anchor caught my attention, and I was briefly forced to duck under it before parrying a few swipes from Yi, then kicking him away. I found myself back-to-back with Shyvana, as we forced the enemy team back.

"Nice day for it- ngh! Wouldn't you say?" I asked her, while throwing a plasma bolt at Nashor.

"Can you _try_ to be serious while we're fighting?" She replied, briefly stopping to unleash a jet of fire at Orianna. "We can talk later!"

"Yeah?" I asked, deflecting Teemo's darts with my axe. "What about?"

"I've been meaning to ask you something." She said, blocking Gangplank's cutlass with her gauntlets and throwing him to the side. "Years before his death, my father used to tell me stories about the origins of dragons, and how they first came to be!"

For a millisecond, I froze.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh.

 _Damn, shit's about to go DOWN!_ Ellis commented.

" _Not now, Ellis._ " I forced through my teeth, before regaining my composure. "Tell me the story."

"Now?!" She flipped over Yi (damn, that agility tho'), then kicked him in the back.

"Just do it!" I yelled, jumping over Nashor's head, which went in for a quick bite, apparently. How rude.

I could almost hear her massive groan amidst the fighting. She rolled her eyes, before starting:

" _The first generation of dragons came from deep beneath the earth._ " Shyvana said, weaving around several darts. " _Their scales were sturdy as rock, and they themselves were as wide and grand as the very mountains they had hatched from._ "

" _However, they had no wings, and were confined to the ground they tread upon._ " I caught Orianna's metal ball with one hand, before tossing it back at the Lady of Clockwork.

" _The second generation of dragons came from the sea, far below the waves of the surface._ " Shyvana continued. " _They were capable of summoning fierce storms, and many a seafarer has fallen victim to their fury._ "

" _But much like their predecessors, they too lacked wings, and even more, were incapable of walking on land, confined to the depths of the ocean._ " She seemed hesitant to recite the last part, which I already knew.

Chewing sounds inside my head distracted me for a moment. "Are you eating _popcorn,_ Ellis?" I asked.

 _Yeah. What? This is entertaining!_ He said.

"Where did you even _get_ popcorn?"

 _I summoned it. With magic. Because, y'know, I'm a summoner. I summon things._ I just rolled my eyes.

" _The third and final generation of dragons..._ " Shyvana hesitated. " _The third and final generation of dragons were born from the sun, given the gift of their fiery breath from its flames. They possessed the capability of flight, and were the most intelligent of all their race._ " I sensed her attention directing itself to me.

"You say that you are the sun, banished to Runeterra by the moon. If what you say is true, then..." Her voice seemed to choke on her next question. "Are we related?"

I didn't answer, weaving around Nautilus' legs to slice through Gangplank's metal arm.

" _Are we related?!_ " She demanded, backhanding Orianna out of the as she stomped towards me.

 **"** _ **HELIOS, ANSWER ME! ARE WE RE-**_ **"** She didn't finish, as I saw one of Teemo's darts streaking straight towards her neck. My eyes widened, and my breathing hitched.

That's when things got weird. Suddenly, things just started to...slow down, like the whole world was moving at snail's pace. A dull, low-pitched whine was echoing through the air, like my ears were ringing nonstop. I looked down, and saw plasma bolts flickering across my entire body, but I could actually _see_ them moving, instead of just instantly changing shape and position like lightning did.

 _...What?_ I thought, looking around me in a daze. I was still moving regularly, but everything and everybody else was moving at approximately one mile per hour. Then I remembered Teemo's dart, and I quickly ran up to it, snagging it out of the air and moving it away from Shyvana.

Things began to speed up again, and the battle quickly resumed its chaotic status. " _ **-LATED?!**_ " Shyvana finished, before noticing I was suddenly right next to her. "How did you-"

"Yes." I said simply. "We're related."

Her eyes widened, and she took a few steps back. "W-What?" She said.

"I, um..." I trailed off. "Yeah."

 _So, I have a few questions._ Ellis said. _One, how were you suddenly at point B instead of point A, and two, was that really the best way to do things?_ I didn't have an answer for either of those.

"Shy, listen, I-" A gunshot rang out, a spurt of red bursting from her chest. My eyes threatened to pop out of their sockets as I ran forward, catching her as she fell. She tried to speak, but no words came out; instead, blood seeped out through the gaps in her teeth.

I looked up to see Gangplank with a sneering grin (contradictory, much?) on his face, reloading his gun.

Once more, I felt that raw, white-hot fury build up inside of me, similar to when I'd seen Warwick. But only this time, it was ten times worse.

Hurt my allies.

Hurt my comrades.

Hurt my friends.

Hurt my best friend, even.

But no one. _No one._ Hurts my family. _Ever._

My whole body began to blaze, glowing brighter and brighter by the second. A cry of rage began blocking out all other sources of sound, and through the haze of anger I dimly became aware that it was my own. Gangplank's face briefly showed shock, before there was a sudden flash of white light that blocked my vision, followed by a deafening roar.

A few minutes later, when the silence was too much to bear, I cautiously opened my burning eye, followed by the right one. As soon as they saw the surrounding area, they widened to the size of dinner plates.

The Rift was _wrecked._ Every single tree in the forest had been reduced to a charred stump, covered with ash. Both our and the enemy team's Nexus was a pile of rubble, and the ground was covered with soot.

And at the center of all this ruin? Me, completely unharmed.

I turned around, to see the other champions somehow intact, poking their way out of the debris. All of them were completely speechless. Even Shyvana, who appeared to have miraculously recovered.

"What did I...do?" I said.

 _I think..._ Ellis said slowly. _That you just nuked the Rift._

* * *

As soon as I was transported out of the Rift (Kolminye had to call off the match, because I'd pretty much just blown up the arena), Ellis called me to his workshop. I wasn't entirely sure what he wanted, but he was equal parts concerned and fascinated, which was a bizarre combination. I didn't even get to talk to Shyvana. He didn't really leave room for argument.

"Sit." He said, placing me on the edge of a worktable when we got there. "There are a few things I need to check." He had I Love Rock And Roll playing in the room, too. Nice. (AN: Joan Jett, if you were wondering)

Ellis fetched what looked like a tube with a needle from another table, before making his way back over to me. "Are you gonna give me a shot?" I asked, somewhat nervously. It's an actual genetic flaw in guys. We act tough, but we're big babies around needles. No, _seriously,_ that's actually genetic. It was a miscalculation on my part. I wasn't really paying attention at the time. I seem to make a lot of Creation Derps when I focus my attention elsewhere for a second, don't I?

"I need a blood sample. This'll be quick." He promised. "Besides, I'm a doctor. You won't die from a simple needle, I promise."

"You're a doctor?" I asked, wincing Ellis pulled up my sleeve (I was back in my casual clothing), then pierced my skin with the needle. I watched blood fill the tube, before the needle was extracted.

"Yep." He turned away, examining the tube. "Scientific _and_ medical. PhD, M.D., you name it and I've got it."

"How?" Was my reply. That's something you'll say a lot in regards to Ellis. He's just about packed to the brim with surprises. I once asked him to make a ray-gun that could turn anything into fried chicken. Sue me, it was lunchtime. Not only did he do _that,_ but he included different settings for bacon, turkey, and steak.

Lesson Time, ladies and gentlemen: never dare Ellis to build anything too ridiculous, because he'll succeed every single time.

"Eh, I had a few weeks to spare in college, and I got bored." He said. "Corynn, pull up the biological scanner for me."

"At once, sir." A female voice replied, echoing throughout the room. A panel in the floor opened, where a large cylindrical container made out of metal emerged. It glowed blue briefly when Ellis placed the tube in, before flashing several times, probably scanning the blood inside.

"Wait, you have an _AI?_ " I asked. "And you didn't tell me sooner? Dude, what the hell?! AIs are cool!"

He chuckled. "Well, you never asked."

"Shall I bring up the readings, sir?" Corynn asked.

"Please, Corynn." Ellis replied. Holographic screens came to life around him, hovering above the ground. "Alright, let's see what we've got here..." He pressed a few buttons on the screens, analyzing several pieces of data before stepping back. "Well, it seems like I've found out how you were able to nuke the Rift."

"I'm the avatar of the sun. Blowing stuff up is kinda my thing." I drily replied.

"That's true, but when you consider the sheer force of the blast you generated, things get a little interesting." Ellis motioned for Corynn to pull up another holographic screen.

"This right here is a close-up of a regular human cell." He pointed to the image on the screen. "I assume you know what this looks like, but I'll still continue. As you can see, we've got the cytoplasm, which holds it together, along with all the other stuff inside of it; the nucleus, ribosomes, yadda yadda yadda, sciencey science science."

"You know, now that I think about it, it kinda looks like what would happen if Zac took a shit." I cracked a grin. Ellis snickered.

"I'll have to test that theory later." He replied. "But back to where it gets interesting." He pulled up another screen.

"This, Helios, is a close-up of one of _your_ cells." An image flickered on the interface.

"What...the hell?" I stood up, moving closer to examine it.

Instead of having the squishy gelatinous stuff around the cell like most did, mine was surrounded by a wispy white substance, glowing faintly. Inside were grouped bodies of matter, which, strangely, resembled nebulas, with pinpricks of light dotting each one. But then there was the center. Instead of the thing that had all the DNA, there was a miniature _sun._ Well, more like a dwarf star, as it was white, but I could almost _feel_ the power emanating from it.

"Would you look at that." Ellis smiled. "It's like its own solar system. It's beautiful, in a way."

"I don't get it." I looked at him, confused. "What does this have to do with what happened on the Rift?"

"Well, in short..." He sighed. "Helios, the amount of energy I'm reading from just this one cell is _insane._ In fact, when considering the fact that our bodies are made up of _trillions_ of cells..." He paused. Dramatic effect, maybe? I approve. "Your body is literally a compacted _supernova,_ full of raw, _limitless_ energy."

"Define 'limitless' for me." I said. "Because I think you're somewhat exaggerating."

"If I plugged this one cell into the Piltover Power Plant, it would be enough to power the entire city for a _decade_ on its own." He deadpanned.

I was silent for a moment. "Huh." I said, before a funny thought came to my head. "So, what? Are you saying that if I plugged the Institute's power supply into my butt, like it was an electrical socket, it would be enough to keep it going?"

"Theoretically? Yeah." Ellis said.

"I so want to try that now." I snickered.

"I can't blame you, I'm a little curious myself." He replied. "But there's also the part where you saved Shyvana from one of Teemo's darts." A video feed replaced the image of my cell. I saw myself talking to Shy, right up to the point where she asked if we were related. I saw the dart, but then there was a flash of light, and I was instantly holding the dart behind her.

"From what I can calculate, you're moving at exactly one-hundred eighty-six thousand miles _per second._ " Ellis said. "Which is kinda funny, considering."

I raised an eyebrow at him inquisitively. He sighed.

"That's the speed of light, man. Down to the very last digit." The realization hit me.

"Oh my _gods._ " I groaned. " _Light speed._ "

"I'm guessing all of your abilities are going to revolve around the 'sun' theme, aren't they?" Ellis asked.

"Apparently." I replied. "I mean, light speed is pretty cool, but I was hoping for something a little more..."

"Original?"

"Yeah, that." I confirmed.

"Welp, I think that's all I have to analyze for today." Ellis said. "I've got a few hours before my dinner with Sona, and I want to get to work on my project."

"Right, what is that again?" I asked.

"Um...it's...a, uh...secret." He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "It's a surprise for Sona, and I want to keep it under wraps until I give it to her. It's supposed to be a Snowdown present, as a sort of thank-you for being my friend for the past year, but I don't know if I'll be able to finish it in the few months that I have left. It isn't exactly easy to make a formula that will grow entirely new cells from almost nothing."

"Grow new cells from nothing? What do you mean by-" My jaw dropped as I suddenly understood. " _Holy shit._ You're trying to do _that_ for her?!"

"Yeah, I know." He winced. "It's a stupid thing to try, but it's about the nicest thing I can think of."

"Well, why didn't you just ask me, man?" I said. "I know all _about_ growing cells! I used to do that for a living, remember? I can totally help you out!"

"You'd really do that for me?" He asked.

"Course, man." I smiled. "Bros gotta help each other out, know what I'm saying?"

Ellis looked relieved. "Thank you."

I nodded and smiled, before falling silent, contemplating a few questions I have left. "So, Ellis, can I ask you a few things?"

"Sure, go ahead." He replied.

"Why are you and Sona friends?" I asked. "I mean, she's really nice most of the time, but I've seen you two chatting a few times, and you seem really close. How come?"

"Well..." He sighed, plopping himself down on a stool. "For one thing, it's music. We've got a lot of common tastes, and I always come to her solo and Pentakill performances." Ellis paused. "But I think the real reason we get along so well is because of our common issue: how no one really gets us."

 _That_ piqued my interest. "I'm not exactly sure what you mean."

"You see, while it's great having a mind like mine, it has certain drawbacks." He explained. "My parents couldn't understand a _word_ I said half the time, and I never really made friends when I was younger." He chuckled bitterly. "It's hard to, when they thing you're the biggest nerd around. I might as well have been speaking another language when I talked about my passion: science. I mean, sure, I've made friends with several Piltovan champions, but..." He sighed.

"Jayce has that signature charisma of his, Ezreal's got a _social life,_ and Vi knows how to rock out. Me?" He gestured towards himself. "I don't know how to do that. I'm a little _too_ smart for my own good."

"Okay." I was a little caught off guard by his "heartfelt confession," I guess that was how to put it, but I decided it would be better to listen. "But how does Sona come into play?"

"You know how Sona's the greatest musician in Runeterra?" He asked.

"Uh, _yeah,_ that's only the _biggest understatement of the year._ " I replied drily.

"Since she's so popular, Sona has a lot of fans. They practically _worship_ her, almost like a cult. She's loved pretty much everywhere, even in Noxus and the Shadow Isles, and her fans just eat up the fact that she doesn't have a voice. But for all that's publicized about Sona and her music..." He paused. "No one really knows _her._ The small things about her personality, like what she enjoys other than music, or her favorite food, or the little quirks she has that you don't see inside the concert hall. Taric and Xin Zhao do, to some extent, but they have their own responsibilities to tend to. Everyone else just sees Sona, The Maven of Strings, and not Sona, _period._ "

"In a way, we have the same problem." Ellis said. "Our gifts separate us from everyone else. That's why we're such good friends: we understand each other."

I took a few seconds to absorb what he'd just said. "That was deep, man." I said.

He gave an annoyed smirk. "Way to kill the moment." He huffed, picking himself up. "Now, that's enough emotional sentiment from me. What was the other thing you wanted to ask?"

"So, here's the thing." I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. "Since I nuked the Rift, I'm probably not gonna get summoned very often. I don't think people will appreciate that sorta thing happening again. To be honest, I don't think matches are really my thing. They ain't as fun as I thought. So, I heard from Raka that in a few rare cases, champions can choose to bind themselves to a summoner they really like, so that only that specific person can summon them. And since you prefer to not partake in matches _at all,_ and we get along pretty well..."

"You want me to become your bound summoner." Ellis finished.

"Yep." I confirmed. "I mean, what if there's a time when I get summoned by a prick? That won't be fun. Plus, it would give us a lot of time to work on your project so that it's ready in time for Snowdown."

Ellis furrowed his brow, thinking over my offer for a minute. "Alright." He sighed. "What the hell, why not? Sparks will be happy to have a new friend, anyways." I offered him a hand, and he took it, shaking it once to seal the deal. "I'll let Kolminye know of our decision."

"Here's to a new partnership." I smiled.

"I guess." He shrugged, grinning.

A faint buzzing in one of my pockets interrupted our budding Bromance. "It's Raka." I said, checking my phone's messages. "She wants to check up on me, see how I'm doing after blowing up everything."

"I'll see you later then." He said.

"Yeah, bye." I waved, before moving to the door. Upon opening it, I found Shyvana in the doorway.

"What the- how did you find me?" I asked. I was grateful that she was fine (wounds inflicted on the Rift healed when the match was over, after all), but no one really expects a half-dragon to magically appear in front of you.

"I followed your scent." She replied.

"Naturally." I deadpanned.

"We need to talk." She said. I glanced back toward Ellis, who was watching. He nodded.

I sighed, before turning back to her. "Yeah. We do." I replied. "We can chat in my room."

I walked out the doorway, directing Shyvana towards what was probably gonna be the most awkward conversation I'd ever had.

* * *

 _ **That's all I got for now. I hope you liked it. And as for light speed, that's probably gonna be the last super-cliché power Helios gets. Oh, yes, his skill-tree isn't done growing yet, and believe me when I say that he's gonna be able to do some really cool stuff as the story progresses. This'll be continuing for a while, trust me. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	17. I Boost Shyvana's Self-Esteem

**_Last chapter, Helios and Shyvana were preparing to have a long-overdue chat. It'll be awkward, then intense, then full of 'dem feels. I hope so, anyway. I have a general idea of how I want this to go, I just have to figure out how the conversation will transition from tone-to-tone. Basically, how it escalates to a feels-trip. That's the main thing I've got planned for this chapter. I am also planning to fast-forward a few months so that it's winter. I wanna do a Snowdown chapter, so I've gotta get a few winter chapters in to set the mood. There will be winter shenanigans, it just depends on whether or not I can put them in this chapter. If not, next one. Also, if I can't get the Snowdown chapter in at Christmas, I'll do it at New Year's. In LoL lore Snowdown celebrates the passing of one year to the next, so maybe I can get accuracy points for that. NOW LET'S GO!_**

* * *

"So..." I said, sitting down on my bed. "How do we, uh...start?"

This was going to be fun. I could tell by the way Shyvana looked equal parts confused and bashful. I could understand why. Finding out that you're related to a total stranger that happens to be the sun isn't exactly something you can take in stride.

"How exactly we're related would be ideal." Shyvana replied. "You're my...grandfather?"

"Great-great-granddaughter, specifically." I said. "But...yeah. Pretty much."

The two of us were silent for a minute. "You look like you're about the same age as I am." Shyvana said.

"I...um...age better than most." I attempted a joke, scratching the back of my head.

 _HELIOS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDOIT?!_ My inner conscious screamed. _THIS IS_ NOT _HOW YOU MAKE A FIRST GOOD IMPRESSION, YOU DUMBASS!_

"Sorry, bad joke." I winced apologetically, seeing her unamused expression. "The truth is that I'm twenty-three by solar standards."

Shyvana slowly nodded, more or less accepting my answer. "My great-great-grandfather is technically a year younger than I am." She summed up. "That's..."

"I know." I replied. "This is weird." We trailed off again.

"So..." This was going to be stupid, but it was worth a shot. "How've you been?" I asked.

"Fine." She replied.

I nodded, slightly poker-faced. "That's good." I said.

The two of us once again found the rest of the room to be less embarrassing than the conversation we were having right now. "...Why didn't you tell me?" She asked.

"What exactly was I supposed to say?" I replied. "I was mostly trying to figure out a way to tell you that wouldn't be like..." I gestured to our current situation. "This."

Shyvana hummed a little in response. "Does...anyone else know about our blood ties?" She asked.

"Um...yeah." I replied. "Everybody that I'm friends with knows."

Her eyes narrowed. "And they never saw fit to tell me?" She growled. Her temper was rising up again. It was the calm before the storm, and soon I was gonna have to deal with a hurricane...in a way. You get what I mean.

(Janna doesn't appreciate the "storm puns." Those weren't puns, Janna. You'll know when I'm trying to make a pun. You'll be able to tell by how much you've wet yourself.

Those of you who are snickering at what sounded like a dirty joke, _begone._ I have zero patience for that right now. Seriously, I'm trying to write a serious moment, here!)

"I asked them not to tell you." I explained. "I wanted to be the one to do it, when the time came."

"And if you never came?" She replied, flames beginning to rise on her shoulders. "If you never arrived at the Institute at all, was I just supposed to go around oblivious to the fact that _I had a grandfather? A member of my family that hadn't been killed off?!_ "

Hoo boy. This was going downhill faster than I anticipated. Once Shy gets fired up, good luck getting her to cool down. So far the only people capable of completely calming her temper are me and Jarvan. Well, at the time this little outburst was happening it was only Jarvan, but we'll get to that part later.

"Shyvana, I-" She cut me off.

" _FOR MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE BEEN TREATED AS NOTHING MORE THAN A FILTHY HALF-BREED!_ " Shyvana roared, somewhat literally. She was going full-blast now. " _AN ABOMINATION OF NATURE!_ "

" _I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE BEING HUNTED DOWN AND PERSECUTED, ONLY BECAUSE OF WHAT I WAS! WHAT I AM!"_ She continued, slowly transitioning to her draconic voice, which, as a little side-note, sounds really cool. Totally nailed it on that part of the design.

" _MY MOTHER AND FATHER_ DIED _PROTECTING ME_!" She yelled. _"THEY DIED AND LEFT ME TO FEND FOR MYSELF! FOR THE LONGEST TIME I WAS WITHOUT A HOME! WITHOUT A FAMILY! I HAD TO SUFFER FOR SO LONG, AND AFTER ALL THIS TIME YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME AND DID **NOTHING?!**_ "

"Shyvana, if you'd just let me explain-" But she was having none of it.

" _WHY?!"_ Flames were coming off her in bursts now. The walls and floor of my room were going to suffer _so_ much. It was going to be nearly impossible to paint over it. " _WHY DID YOU JUST LEAVE ME TO SUFFER FOR SO MANY YEARS?! WHAT REASON COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE FOR ABANDONING ME?!_ "

"Shy..." I sighed. "It's not that-"

"Are you _ashamed_ of me? _Is that_ _it?!_ " She demanded.

"Shyvana." I attempted.

"Am I _really_ just a mistake?!" Angry tears were accumulating in her eyes, slowly sliding down her cheeks. "Was I never meant to be conceived at all?!"

"Shyvana."

"You _are_ ashamed of me, aren't you?! I'm nothing more than a _freak_ to you!"

" _Shy._ "

" _I don't even care! I've survived just fine without you, I don't need you! I already have_ -"

" ** _ANA!_** " I yelled.

Shyvana froze. The flames died down almost immediately, her rage dissipating.

"W-What did you just call me?" She asked.

"Ana." I gave a sad smile. "That's what your father called you when you were little, right?"

"I- I don't-" She faltered, taking a step back.

"I was there, when your father started calling you that." I chuckled, my smile growing a little warmer as I recalled the fond memories. "I was also there when you first conjured fire." I stood up from my bed, slowly stepping towards her. Shyvana stood rigid, motionless as I approached.

"I was there when you took your first steps. When your horns started growing in. When your father first took you hunting. When you first transformed into a dragon. When you learned how to fly. And above everything else..." I stopped right in front of her, until we were barely a foot apart. "I was there when you where born."

"And..." I shook my head. "I wasn't _ashamed_ of that day. I don't regret the moment you came into the world. The day you were born was, without a doubt..." I lifted up a hand to softly caress her cheek. She didn't snap or pull away, which I supposed was good, at the time.

"It was _one of the best days of my life_." I smiled.

Shyvana began to cry again, turning her face into the hand I held to her cheek. She wasn't angry this time, but I suppose you'd already guessed that, didn't you? You're probably going "Oh my _gods,_ so easy to figure out! Gee, who would've guessed?" Well, not only is that slightly rude, but you're ruining the moment. Hush. You can complain later. We're having a moment right now.

"I am _so sorry_ that I wasn't there for you when you needed me to be." My expression became pained. "I've never really forgiven myself for letting you suffer for so long. But...now matter _how badly_ I wanted to, I _couldn't_ help you, I literally _couldn't._ "

"That's the _problem_ with having as much power as I do." I continued. "Not only did it usually take me _eight minutes_ just for my light to reach Runeterra, but if I had _tried_ to help you, vaporize the people who were hurting you..." I shrugged sheepishly. "I _probably_ would've overdone it and leveled the entire continent."

"When your father died, I _flipped._ I was so angry that the _only_ reason why Argost (the murdering asshole who did the deed, by the way) didn't kill _you_ along with your father is that he knew that I would stop at _nothing_ to make him pay for it."

"R-Really?" She sniffed.

I nodded. "I might not have been able to help you directly, but I guess I helped you in my own little way."

"And I'm gonna tell you this:" I continued. "You are _not_ an abomination." I laughed a little incredulously. "I mean, if I didn't _want_ humans and dragons to get together, why would I have made them biologically compatible?"

"You are everything I ever intended you to be." I smiled. "And I am _very_ proud of you."

I pulled her in, wrapping her in a hug. "You are _here._ You are _alive._ And you _deserve_ to be."

Shyvana gave great, heaving sobs, burying her face into my neck. It was kind of uncomfortable, feeling her tears wetting my neck, but I decided to let it slide.

"Hey, it's okay." I said, gently rocking her back and forth slightly. Parental instincts kicking in, you know? "I'm here. And I'll never let you go."

We remained that way for a while, letting Shyvana release all her pent-up emotion. To those of you who've seen her from a distance, or even talked to her once or twice, Shy might seem like she could rip your head off at any minute, but she's actually pretty fragile underneath. The scars, anger and brutality are just a protective outer layer. She only lets it crack around people she trusts.

...Wow, that was pretty deep, huh? A bit of a feels-trip, am I right? Totally ruined the moment, I know, I'm such a hypocrite, but it was over anyways.

"Better?" I asked, pulling away.

She sniffed once, then smiled. "Better."

"So...here's the thing." I said, grinning awkwardly. "I've kind of missed all your birthdays, and Snowdown is coming in a few months." I gently brushed a stray lock of her hair away from her face. "What would you like as a Snowdown present? I'd like to make things up to you."

"Well...to be honest...I already have everything I need." Shyvana said. "But if you _really_ want to get me something..."

"Yeah? I'm listening." I replied.

"You can affiliate yourself with Demacia after the holiday season." She finished.

I raised both eyebrows. "Really? That's what you want?" I asked.

She nodded. "You're the last part of my family that I have left. I don't want to lose you, for whatever reason. If Mount Targon and Demacia enter a dispute..." She trailed off.

"I get it." I raised both hands. "I understand completely. I'll notify Kolminye that I'd like to become a Demacian champion after the holidays are over."

"Thank you." She said. She gave me another hug, although it was shorter than the last one.

"You know..." I cheekily grinned. "When you were ranting at me earlier, I noticed that before I interrupted you, you were about to say that you 'already had' something." My grin grew wider. "Or _someone?_ "

Her face turned a deep shade of indigo. "...I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Bullshit." I said. "I know _exactly_ what you were about to say." I elbowed her gently in the stomach. "Is someone seeing a certain crown prince of Demacia, hmm?"

Shyvana elected to splutter profanities, which basically confirmed it. "Shy, take it easy." I laughed. "I really don't mind. Jarvan's a good guy. I trust him. Besides, I wouldn't mind a few great-great- _great_ -grandkids!"

"Oh, _gods._ "

I looped an arm around her shoulder. "Come on. Raka's probably gonna hand my ass to me for keeping her waiting."

* * *

"Damn, I can't believe she actually slapped me." I grimaced, rubbing the sore spot where Raka'd hit me. "I mean, I know she was worried and all, but... _ow._ I didn't think she was _that_ worried."

"Didn't you say that she was probably going to hand your ass to you?" Shyvana replied, an eyebrow raised.

"Well...yes." I admitted. "But I thought it was only going to be verbally." The two of us were chilling out in the gardens, idly watching nature do its thing as we stretched out on a bench.

"I'm bored." Shyvana grumbled, a bit of smoke rising off of her head. She was dressed in a simple tank-top with shorts. Nothing too fancy. "Can't we go _do_ something, other than this?"

"Give me a sec." I replied, pulling out my phone. Seeing the time, I grinned. "Well, it's around dinnertime, and Ellis is supposed to meet Sona at the King's Table for dinner. We could always go see how they're doing."

"Who's Ellis?" She asked.

"You know, guy with freakishly red hair and eyes, likes to build stuff, has a robotic arm?"

"Oh, him?" Shyvana said. "Why would Sona be interested in a guy like that?"

I shrugged. "Something about similar issues with the masses."

"Whatever that means." She replied.

"So, wanna go check it out? See how they're doing?" I asked.

"Why?" Shyvana replied. "What's the point?"

"Come on, don't be like that!" I playfully chastised. "It'll be a great bonding experience, I promise!"

"Oh, _gods,_ don't tell me you're into _that_ kind of thing." She groaned.

"Only a little." I said. "But seriously, let's go!"

"Fine." She grumbled. "But it's only because I have nothing better to do today."

A little while later, my face was plastered against one of the King's Table windows, peering through the glass. "Anything?" Shyvana called, down from the ground. The windows were so high that I had to gravitate up just to take a peek. "Not yet." I replied. "Give me a sec."

"Grandpa, we've been looking for five minutes, come on!" She complained. "Just give it a rest already!"

"Did you just call me _Grandpa?_ " I asked, looking down at her.

"What? I can call you that if I want!" She retorted.

"Alright." I rolled my eyes, looking back towards the window, although a warm sensation was secretly spreading through my chest. "Oop, I think I see them! There you are, you two- nope, wait, my bad, false alarm."

"Maybe your eyesight's getting poor in your old age." Shyvana mocked.

"Hey!" I complained. "I am _not_ old!"

"You were literally around _before_ Runeterra even existed!" She replied. "You're ancient, old man. Deal with it."

"I'd like to pretend that you didn't get this level of sassiness from me, but then I'd be lying." I grumbled. Shyvana gets a lot of things from me, actually. Sarcasm, a short temper, a tendency to wreck shit up when said temper is evoked, etc. She actually used to be a lot more bitter, but once she got to Demacia she started to come out of her shell a little.

" _Anything yet?_ " Shyvana was getting impatient.

" _No!_ " I replied. "If you want something to happen, then get up here and help me look!"

"I can't float!" She shot back.

"Then just turn into a dragon and stand on your back legs!" I said. "You should be tall enough to reach the window!"

A few seconds later I heard the sound of popping and snapping, along with what sounded like rubber being stretched. I looked to the left to see Shyvana in full draconic form, her front claws gripping the edges of the window.

" _I see them_." She said almost immediately after. It was kinda neat how her voice became raspy and deep when she transformed. " _They were sitting on the top floor the whole time. How did you miss that?_ " The King's Table had a few terraces, where diners could get a better view of the band on the stage below.

"Oh _snap,_ they've got Hooked on a Feeling playing!" I said. "That's my _jam,_ right there!"

" _Pay attention._ " Shyvana snapped. " _And be quiet. I'm trying to here what he's saying._ "

"Sorry...wait, _hold on,_ what's Ellis wearing?" I whistled. "Damn, son!"

The summoner in question was dressed in a black tuxedo, with a red button-up shirt to go with it, along with slickly polished black shoes and a bowtie. Sona, on the other hand, was wearing a glittering strapless blue dress that went down to her thighs, and had her hair untied, flowing down her back. It was actually a pretty good look for her.

" _What are they saying?_ " I whispered, which was probably unnecessary.

" _I can't hear Sona_ (she talks mentally, duh) _, but Ellis is enjoying the 'taste' of the band._ " She replied.

"It looks like she agrees." I said. "So, is he discussing the part where they make out yet?"

Shyvana shot me a look. " _What?_ " I said. "It was a valid question!"

She snorted out a puff of smoke in response. "Fine, I'll just wait and see." I said. "Let's see, how long will it take for them to make out, I wonder...atmosphere, check. Fairly romantic music, check. The lady wearing a stunningly revealing outfit, check. Ooooh, she wore a short-skirt for him too, that's gotta be a good sign." Romance Lesson Time, boys and girls: when a lady wears something revealing that shows off every curve she has to a dinner with you, then she wants you. That's a hint at flirting, just so you know. So whatever you do, do _not_ be a clueless idiot. It's rude to make all of the lady's hard work for nothing. I got this tip from Ahri, too, so you know it's legit.

"And the last factor: Demacian white wine." I finished. "That's gonna take them on a ride, that's for sure."

" _Where did you even get that idea?_ " Shyvana asked skeptically.

"Ahri likes to talk." I replied. "Especially about this sorta thing. From what she's told me, it _should_ escalate into a make-out session." I sweat-dropped. "At least, that's what I _think_ should happen. I can never tell when Ahri's joking or not."

I didn't have to look at her to see her massive eye-roll. "Ope, hang on!" I said, pressing my face further against the glass. "They're talking again!"

"Come on..." I said, watching them talk as they further drained the bottle of wine they had out.

"Come _on..._ " From what I could see, the conversation was getting a little bit more "intimate," if you will. Like, a serious version of flirty. No, wait, that's courting. I guess it was somewhere in between? It's hard to describe. Life's a bitch like that.

"That's it, that's it..." They slowly began to edge closer to each other, their faces slightly red from the wine. By the power of alcohol, this night would be one to remember! Move over, Love, it's time for the _real_ expert to get cracking!

"Oh, for _gods' sake,_ kiss already!" I yelled, pounding my face against the glass. "I swear, it's like one of those goddamn romance films that's overly dramatic!"

Their faces were just _inches_ apart when Ellis paused, probably letting his brain tell him what to do. Idiot! The brain can't do _shit_ in situations like this! Let the alcohol guide you!

I was about to break out the various obscene gestures, when Sona, apparently fed up with things dragging on, grabbed him by the fabric of his shirt and yanked his lips onto hers.

 _Oh._

 _My._

 _Gods._

 _YES._

" _ **YEEEEEEEESSSSS!**_ " I yelled. " _ **FINALLY, WE GET SOME ACTION! THE WAIT TOTALLY PAID OFF, BITCHES!**_ "

Apparently, the windows didn't muffle my voice as well as I thought, because the two of them suddenly jerked apart (after a rather heated session, rowr!) and looked right at us. Their eyes widened, and their faces turned red, although this time it wasn't from the alcohol.

"Oh shit they saw us!" I said, pulling back from the window. "Abort abort abort! Time to go!" I dropped to the ground, Shyvana reverting back to her human form to follow me.

"You're going to have to explain why you were stalking the two of them." She said.

"Why _we_ were stalking them." I pointed out. "And I can just say it was an opportunity for us to bond."

"You _really_ think they'll believe that?" Shyvana replied skeptically.

"That's the benefit of being an old geezer like me." I grinned. "I can make any sort of bullshit sound completely believable."

"Shyvana!" A voice called a little ways in front us. I looked to see Jarvan jogging towards us in a black t-shirt and jeans. "There you are! I've been looking all over for you and I was-"

He stopped as he noticed me beside her. "Helios." He greeted. "I suppose this means that you are in fact related to Shyvana?"

"Jarvan the Fourth." I reached out to shake his hand. "I guess I have _you_ to thank for saving my granddaughter's life?"

"Granddaughter?" He raised an eyebrow. "So dragons truly _are_ descended from the sun?"

"Pretty much." I confirmed. I turned my head back to Shyvana. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you told him about your suspicions, huh?"

She blushed, staring towards the ground. "He...I...we're..."

"You...know about... _us?_ " Jarvan asked, incredulous.

"Psh, of course I know!" I smirked. "I was the sun! There's almost nothing I _don't_ know!"

"And you...don't disapprove?" He said.

"Nope." I frowned. "Unlike your father."

He sighed. "Yes, that is true." Jarvan moved to loop an arm around Shyvana's shoulder. "But I've made my choice."

"Then by all means, you have my blessing." I replied. "Now, I'm guessing that you were going to ask her to dinner, so I'll let you two crazy kids get going. I'm gonna get something with Raka myself."

"Thanks, I'll see you later!" Shyvana waved goodbye as the two of them strolled off, still in each other's arms.

I sighed contentedly, watching them leave. "Now then!" I said. "Let's see if I can't convince Raka to try that burger joint with me..."

* * *

 _(Several months later, because I really don't have time to write everything in between...)_

I woke up groggily, blinking several times as my eyes adjusted to the light. Funny how that worked, when one of them was made of fire. I sat up in my bed, the covers draped around my lower body. And yes, ladies, my upper body was bare, six-pack on full display. Quit drooling, girls, I can practically see it from where I'm sitting right now.

I threw the covers off myself, yawning as I got to my feet. I went to my dresser to fetch some clothes for the day, when the view outside the window caught my eye. Walking to the window (and not even caring that I was only dressed in a pair of boxers), I grinned as I saw the weather. Grabbing myself a quick breakfast from my pantry, I brushed my teeth, threw on a thick red coat, snow pants and boots, then grabbed my shovel and ran out the door.

For whatever reason, my first new skin had replaced my axe with a giant snow-shovel. What was I gonna do, whack people to death?

I ran through the halls, greeting several other champions that were waking up as I sped past. Hurtling out the front door of the Institute, I laughed, before skidding to a stop and leaping into the air. I didn't even bother gravitating. I just leapt three stories high.

" _SNOW DAAAAAAAAYYYY!_ " I whooped, falling back down into a pile of snow.

The holidays were finally here, and what a sight it was to see. Despite the sun being at its best in spring and summer, winter is actually my favorite season. The world just looks so much prettier blanketed in white. It gets really quiet, too. You could just chill (whoops, bad pun) and watch the snow fall for hours, sipping on hot cocoa. Not a bad way to spend a day, know what I'm saying?

I sat up in the pile of snow, laughing as I brushed it out of my hair. "I _love_ the holidays." I said to myself.

"Helios?" Raka called, walking up to me in... _hello_...

"Uh...yeah?" I wasn't really paying attention. I had no idea why, but there was something about the way she was dressed that made me stop dead in my tracks. The fluffy fur-lined violet coat hugged her figure a little _too_ well, and the way her hood was down, with snow lightly settling on her hanging braid made my mind go blank.

"What exactly are you doing?" She giggled, hopefully at the fact that I was waist-deep in a pile of snow.

"What? I like winter. A lot." I smiled, snapping myself out of it. "I can't help myself." A thought came to my head just then. "You what we need right about now?" I said. "A snowball fight."

"Helios, I just got out of bed!" She protested, although with a hint of mirth. "And I don't think anyone else is awake enough to entertain you just yet."

"Oh yeah?" I replied. Standing up, I cupped my mouth with both hands and hollered " _HEY, WHO WANTS TO HAVE A SNOWBALL FIGHT?!_ "

"Oh, you're _so_ on!" Ellis ran up, with Sona in tow, clad in her Silent Night skin. Ever since their dinner, the two had been a happy couple. It was so happy that Sivir actually needed a trash can to throw up in a few times. Ah, young love! They were keeping things relatively low-key for now, but they were definitely getting hitched. At least in my opinion.

"Pardon me for askin', but did one of y'all just say _snowball fight?_ " Graves came with a furry hat with flaps, plus a...snowblower? He also had a candy cane in his mouth instead of a cigar.

"I'm up for a round or two." Sivir announced, in her winter skin. Raka snorted at my shit-eating grin.

Several others joined, until we had enough for several teams of people. "Alright, I just need one more for my team..." I mused. Graves, Raka and I were up against everyone else's teams. It was gonna be a lot more hectic than just teams of two, which meant is was going to be way more fun.

"How about..." My face lit up as I saw someone across the field. "Syndra!"

" _What?!_ " Irelia exclaimed. " _Her?!_ "

"Syndra! Hey, Syndra!" I called. "Wanna be on my team for a snowball fight?"

"We can't have _her_ playing!" Irelia fumed. "She's the _last_ person we need here!"

"And _why,_ exactly, is that?" Syndra glared, floating over. Her heavy blue coat certainly fit the festive mood, kudos to her for making an effort.

"You know _exactly_ why!" Irelia retorted. "You're a threat to Ionia. You're probably plotting it's downfall right now, aren't you? How typ-"

" _Shut the $# & up, Irelia._" I snarled. She recoiled slightly at my sudden outburst. Hell, everyone looked taken aback.

"It's Snowdown." I said. " _Everyone_ has a right to enjoy the holidays." I turned to Syndra, offering her a snowball. "And for the record, you ought to be easier on Syndra. You barely know anything her, except what you've heard."

Syndra looked surprised by my support, but she ended up taking the snowball, letting it spin around her in the air along with three others.

"Now, if there's no further delay." I gave a short glare in Irelia's direction. "Let's get this thing started!"

"Ready?" I asked. "When I count down, get to your respective bases.

"Three."

"Two."

"One."

" _LET THE GREAT SNOWBALL OFFENSIVE BEGIN!_ "

* * *

 _ **Well, wasn't that fun? Helios is on good terms with Shyvana, Ellis is dating Sona, and we are now in the holiday season! Next chapter will continue the snowball fight, and since it's the holidays, will have presents, eggnog, and lots of holiday cheer! Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	18. Snowdown Special (I Also Get Smooched)

**_It's time to crank this baby out! What's going on, guys and gals, I'm back with a Snowdown special! This chapter will have many things! Happiness! Joy! Emotional moments! And most importantly, Helios doing Helios things! There will most certainly be fun things going on while this chapter progresses, including some insight on one of Snowdown's most popular myths, the kind only a deity like our hero could provide! Now, the weather outside is frightful, the fire is delightful, eggnog has been stocked up, and the presents are under the tree! Without further ado, let's have some fun!_**

* * *

We all ran to separate ends of the field, which was small enough so that we could pelt each other with snowballs, but wide enough that we had decent cover. My group was at the top of a small hill, so we technically had an advantage. I doubt that would stop Nidalee, though. She still hadn't gotten her revenge for that incident with the salt a few months ago. It was hard to, when I could literally run at the speed of light. She actually got so desperate that she tried the old "bucket on top of a door" trick. I stood there watch it come down before I casually scooped up all the water in the bucket, then ran over to Nid and dumped it on her face. Cats hate getting wet involuntarily too, so bonus points for that.

I wasn't allowed to use light-speed for this fight, so the first thing I did was plow a trench in the snow with my shovel. "In here!" I yelled, ducking into it just as the snowballs started flying. "Start packing ammo!" Graves began sucking snow into his snowblower, Raka diligently packing snowballs together. Syndra just began accumulating snow around her, automatically forming it into multiple spheres that hovered in the air.

"How exactly do we win?!" Syndra asked, hurling snowballs with near-lethal accuracy, pelting Irelia several times in the face (and most likely not just because she was in range)

"Win?" I repeated, hurling a snowball at Lux before ducking back into the trench. "We're not _trying_ to win! We're just doing this for fun!"

" _What?!_ " She replied. "What's the point of this if we aren't trying to win?!"

"We're just trying to have a good time!" I explained, briefly blocking a barrage of snow with my shovel. "Haven't you ever had a snowball fight before?!"

"As a matter of fact, _no,_ I haven't!" Syndra retorted.

The rest of us paused at that statement. "...Never?" Raka asked. "Not _one?_ "

Syndra started. "Well...I..." She rubbed one arm nervously. "No one's ever asked me to have one before."

We were silent for a bit as we absorbed the meaning of her when words. "Oh." I said. I winced apologetically. "Syndra, that's..."

"I don't _need_ your pity!" She retorted. "I don't need _any_ of you feeling sorry for me!"

"It's my first snowball fight too, you know." I said. "But I know how these things go. I can show you, if you want."

"I _said_ that I didn't need your _pity!_ " She yelled.

"I'm not trying to pity you, Syndra." I replied. "Pity implies that there's something wrong with you. And that isn't the case."

Syndra looked taken aback. I sighed.

"Look." I bent down, packing another snowball. "You already know how to throw, so I'll just skip that part." Selecting Bard as my target, I winded up. "We just have snowball fights to let off steam and have fun. It's as simple as th-"

All of a sudden, I was blindsided by a snowball from the right. I fell sideways, flopping over in the snow.

"What the-?" My hair blazed, melting the snow that covered it. "Who threw that?!" I demanded. "I was giving a lesson here!"

I mockingly gaped when I discovered that it was in fact _Leona_ who threw it. " _I'VE BEEN BETRAYED!_ " I lamented. "Leona, _why?!_ I thought we were friends!"

"We are, but I couldn't resist." She grinned cheekily. "It's nice to get back at my boss occasionally."

"What do you mean _get back at me?!_ " I asked. "I give you a decent payroll!"

"You don't pay me at all, Helios." She replied.

"Oh. Right." I said, sweat-dropping. "Then again, you don't need one, considering. Now get your ass over here!" I shoveled a clump of snow on my former axe and running after her as she laughed.

"Helios, don't you _dare!_ " She exclaimed mirthfully, but it was too late. Swinging my shovel like a catapult, I launched a wave of snow directly onto her, resulting in her toppling to the ground.

"That's what you get for messing with the best!" I laughed, before another snowball hit me in the back of the head, causing me to faceplant. Spitting out snow (which thankfully wasn't yellow), I craned my head backwards to see Pantheon armed with snowballs in both hands, clearly having avenged his girlfriend.

"Et tu, Pantheon?" I asked, in mock disappointment.

"You speak Ancient Noxian?" Pantheon replied.

"I'm a former star; I speak a lot of things." I deadpanned. "And you're officially on my Naughty List."

I was then buried under a heap of snow, seemingly from out of nowhere. "That's for the café, kit!" Nidalee yelled, with Lee Sin and Zac in tow.

My head popped out of the snow, my expression clearly irritated. "I swear, if someone ambushes me _one more time..._ " I grumbled.

Guess what happened.

" _OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S IT!_ " I yelled, flailing my arms wildly in anger. " _I AM GETTING $#! &-ING TRIGGERED!_"

I whipped my head towards the source of my anger, which turned out to be Ekko. He didn't like hanging around me for some reason. "It was Janna's idea." He pointed at the wind mage in question. I wasn't surprised. That seemed like something she would do.

"Sometimes I forget why I selected you as part of my honor guard." I muttered to myself. " _HEY, JANNA, GUESS WHAT?! I'VE GOT YOUR WEATHER FORECAST FOR YA!_ "

I gravitated up into the air, forming dozens of snowballs around me. Focusing them on Janna's team, along with the others, I let loose my barrage.

" _JUSTICE **RAINS** FROM ABOVE!_" I yelled, unleashing an absolute onslaught. The unfortunate targets of my assault scattered, shielding their heads with their arms as they were repeatedly battered.

(AN: Anyone catch the reference?)

" _REVENGE IS MINE, BITCHES!_ " I shouted as I descended to the ground. Then I heard a snicker, followed by a snort. I turned to see Syndra covering her mouth as she chuckled, then went into a full-out laugh. She was _laughing._ A genuine, sincerely amused laugh.

"And that, dear Syndra..." I gave a flourish and a bow. "Is how a snowball fight goes."

"Helios, how long were you saving that line from earlier?" Raka asked, with a knowing smirk.

"Since Ana asked me to affiliate myself with Demacia after the holidays, why?" I smiled. I'd taken to using Shyvana's childhood nickname more often, which Jarvan then copied. She actually liked it, but only if it was the two of us who called her that. Anyone else would endure a complete and utter smackdown if they even _thought_ about it.

"You're such a goof, Helios." Raka snorted, giggling. My pulse quickened for a moment.

"But of course!" I replied with a grin. "Would you expect anything else from yours truly?"

"Never." She said.

"Hey, Helios!" Sejuani called. "Let's see if you can handle _this!_ " A chorus of squeaks rose from the snow, all responding to her voice. As one, hundreds of poros began shaking themselves from the snow, some as large as Tryndamere was high. Sejuani herself was riding one, clad in a puffy winter coat and carrying a whip with a piece of candy on the end, as a way of luring the poro forward. Sejuani and I were actually on fairly good terms, even though I disagreed with her opinions on life. We mainly bonded over a love of ass-kicking.

"Sejuani, that's _cheating!_ " I complained, watching the poros gather tiny snowballs of their own in their mouths. They can actually do a lot with their mouths, just so you know. "You have minions, no fair!"

"Yeah? Says who?" She called in reply.

"Says the guy who made Runeterra, that's who!" I retorted.

Sejuani didn't have an answer for that.

I sighed. "Well, it appears we'll have to up our game." I turned to my gathered friends.

"Syndra, do you see the frozen lake over there?" I asked. "Could you please divide the ice into chunks with your magic and bring them over here so that we can stack them into a fort? It would be a lot of help if you did."

"Very well." She replied, getting to work.

"Pantheon, help Graves stack the ice blocks once Syndra brings them over. You and Leona are defecting to my team, by the way. Graves, start providing cover fire. Leona, you're going to sneak behind enemy lines and destroy as much of their ammo as you can. Raka, help me keep the heat up. Er...cold. Whichever."

"How did you do that?" Raka asked me as we got to work making snowballs.

"Do what?"

"Get Syndra to cooperate so easily?" She rectified.

"Oh, that?" I said. I shrugged. "You just have to ask nicely. Syndra doesn't like being ordered around, so if you need to ask her for something you need to make it sound like a request, and not like a demand."

"And you know that...how?" Raka asked.

"Oh, you know." I shrugged again. "I created mankind and didn't have anything better to do than watch them progress." She laughed.

"Right, because your life's been _so_ boring." She said.

"It really has been, hasn't it?" I smiled, playing right along. "How ever shall I entertain myself?" I mimed coming up with an idea. "I know!"

"How about _this?!_ " I said, chucking a snowball. It hit Nidalee's face dead-on, coating her hair with snow. Not that, ah, there was much of a difference, considering that she was in her Snow Bunny skin.

"You're _dead,_ kit!" She almost-literally roared. I then learned that I had made a big whoopsie.

Sejuani called for the poros to advance, forcing us to retreat behind our wall of ice as snowballs began overwhelming us.

"What, is _everybody_ ganging up on us now?!" I yelled, briefly poking my head over the wall. I got a snowball in the face as an answer to my question. Again. Seriously, what was it with people hitting my face with snowballs? I know my face looks sexy, believe me, I do, but weren't there _other_ ways for people to express their adoration?

"Got any _bright ideas,_ Helios?" Raka asked. "We could use one right about now."

I raised an eyebrow. "Was that a _pun?_ "

She blinked twice. "Oh. I suppose it was. But really, we need a plan."

"You know..." I smirked. "I may have just the thing."

Leaping on top of our wall, I shouted " _TO ME, MY ARMY!_ " at the top of my lungs, before dropping back down.

" _Where_ exactly are we supposed to get an army, Helios?" Raka asked, irritated.

"You'll see." I smiled. "Just wait."

Right on cue, a chorus of bird calls filled the air, as the antithesis to Sejuani's poros. It sounded like a cross between a squawk and a quack, to attempt to describe it.

"Helios?" Syndra asked. "Are those...?"

"Penguins?" I grinned. "Yeah. They like me a lot." Being the creator of nature has its perks occasionally, believe it or not. I mean, nature's a bitch most of the time, but penguins are the typical exception, along with poros, dogs, whales, etc.

(AN: Gunther from Adventure Time, that's basically what they look and sound like.)

The penguins began diligently packing snowballs with their flippers, which was an achievement in itself. With the added support, the fight just became an all-out brawl between us and the people on the other side. It was pretty fun. The holiday spirit was running high, everybody was having a good time, even _Syndra_ of all people, and for a while nobody had to worry about anything.

Of course, somebody _had_ to come along and ruin it.

I'll give you three hints.

One: He's crazy.

Two: He's _bat-shit_ crazy.

Three: To _prove_ how bat-shit crazy he is, he rides a chicken-lizard.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen. _K_ to the _L_ to the _E_ to the _D_.

" _THIS! IS! NOOOOOXUUUUUUUSSSSS!_ " Kled screeched in that god-awful voice of his, riding straight into the fray on Skaarl. He began axing everyone's fortifications, laughing maniacally as he did so. He randomly started throwing snowballs everywhere, not even bothering to aim. It was complete and utter pandemonium, which, in other words, means a typical day for Kled.

"Aw, _hell naw._ " I said, watching him wreak havoc. "Who invited _him?_ "

"Does anyone ever?" Raka asked rhetorically.

"Point made." I agreed. "Hand me a snowball, would you?"

Upon receiving one, I carefully aimed, then threw it as hard as I could, which, if you recall my enhanced strength, is pretty damn hard.

I must've hit Kled hard enough to knock him unconscious, because as soon as it hit his head he toppled off of Skaarl and into the snow, motionless.

"Well." I said. "That takes care of that."

* * *

I whistled "Up on the Housetop" to myself as I strolled down the halls of the Institute, admiring the hustle and bustle that was taking place within. Snowdown decorations had started being set up almost a week before, a few days before the snowball fight (which we had to call off after Nunu brought in the yetis), but now that the actual holiday was near, the anticipation and excitement was in full swing. Ivern had happily grown trees to be decorated, on the condition that they be replanted in the forest after the holidays. Even Zyra helped a little, despite the initial reluctance. I hadn't quite gotten over the fact that she'd tried to feed me to her "precious little angels" a few months back, but I was willing to let it slide for the holiday season.

"Helios!" Katarina called. "Would you mind giving me a hand with this? I can't reach!"

"Yeah, sure!" I replied, jogging over. "What do you-" My jaw dropped. I snickered. Then I laughed, slapping my knees with my hands.

"What?!" She barked. "I know what I'm wearing, and I know it looks ridiculous! I had half a mind to shove a knife up the summoners' throats for this!"

Katarina was wearing her Slay Belle skin, complete with the dress that was way too short and thigh-length stockings. Every part of the outfit was meant to arouse, which I found extremely funny for a particular reason.

"Oh, _man._ " I wiped a tear from my eye, still chuckling. "I think I know what _Garen's_ getting for Snowdown!" My laugh turned diabolical as I saw Kat's furious blush. Me and Kat were pretty good friends, or at least on good terms since I was friends with her sister. The only drawback, for _her,_ was that I would endlessly tease her about her crush on Garen, which she never admitted.

"Would you stop going on about that?!" She snapped. "Just help me hang this on the top of this stupid tree!"

"Fine, fine." I snickered, taking the star and hovering up to the top of the tree. It was ridiculously high, and the ladder that Katarina was provided with only came to about halfway.

"There." I said, placing the star. "So, what's next?" I casually leaned against the tree in midair, my elbow on the tip while I grinned evilly. " _Mistletoe?_ "

I narrowly dodged knife thrown at my face. Well, not really, as I could move at the speed of light. Katarina knows too, so even though it may seem like she was trying to kill me, she was just messing around.

She's got a funny way of showing how she likes people. I think that's why Garen's so into her. He likes 'em feisty, except he's only got eyes for Kat.

"Alright, I'll leave you to it." I chuckled, descending to the floor and walking away with a wave. "Later!"

I made my way further down the halls, giving season's greetings to anyone I saw, along with handing Amumu a Snowdown cookie I'd been saving. I really felt for the poor guy. He looked like he needed it, and I was right. He almost hugged me, before remembering what would happen if he did.

Heading through a set of metal double-doors, I entered Ellis's lab, where the summoner was bent over a vial filled with creamy white liquid.

"Hey." He greeted, briefly turning his head to me before refocusing on the vial.

"Hey." I took off my coat and boots (I'd been out in the snow), setting them on a shelf near the door. "Ready to get started?"

"Yeah." He replied, handing me a datapad I could use. "Help me with these cell configurations. It's almost Snowdown, and this _needs_ to be ready by then."

"Dude, we'll be fine." I said. "We've got the main layout covered, we just need to configure the cells to grow the way we want them to, that's the only thing left."

" _Only?_ " He snorted. "You make it sound so easy."

"It's not." I said, already getting to work. "That's why it took us several months just to get this far. We're almost done, though. Chill, man. It'll be _fine._ "

"I _know._ " He sighed. "It's just...ever since me and Sona started dating, I've been feeling pressured to get this done. I...I love her, man." He straightened up from the table, turning towards me. "I need to show her just how much she means to me. If I screw this up, she'll-"

"Love you just the same." I reassured him. "Don't worry about it. That'll only make things worse."

"Right." He shook his head, pulling himself out of his daze. "Right. Let's get back to work."

A squeak from the left interrupted him, however, as a familiar robo-poro dashed into the room, squeaking excitedly and jumping around my legs.

"Sparks!" I chuckled, picking him up by the sides of his belly. "Did you miss me, little guy?"

He squeaked his confirmation, wriggling and squirming with delight as I tickled his chest. "Who's a good boy, huh?" I cooed. "You are! Yes you are!"

Okay, sue me, I was talking like an idiot. But you know how it is with pets. You can't help but act like that when they give you affection. It's pretty much their superpower. You just melt when they give you the eyes, which Sparks was doing.

I laughed as he sprang forward, licking my face with his rubbery tongue. "Whoa there, buddy!" I managed to pry him away, which he pouted at. "You're gonna make Ellis jealous!"

"Nah, it's fine." He said. "I've actually considered building him a friend for when I'm not around."

"You have enough trouble dealing with Sparks alone." I smirked. "You really want to deal with _two?_ "

"Point taken." He conceded.

We worked for several hours after that, making adjustments to the formula in the vial. It was a painstaking process, where the slightest mistake could have immense consequences. Sparks was actually being helpful for once, bringing us whatever we needed to get the project done. He likely knew how important this was to Ellis. He was funny like that. One of us had to keep tabs on the vial the whole time, to make sure it wasn't acting up in any way. It was just a constant cycle of monitoring, adjusting and adding modifications to the serum, until suddenly-

"Holy shit." Ellis's stunned voice alerted me from my datapad.

"What?" I walked over to him. "What's wrong?"

"I - I did it." He looked at me, shocked. "It's _done._ "

" _Done?_ For real?" I asked.

"L-Look." He gestured to his datapad. "The readings, th-the _cells_ _!_ They're _exactly_ what we wanted them to be!"

"Let me see that." I snatched it from his grip. My eyes bugged out of my head at the data on it. "Damn." I smiled up at him. "We actually _did it,_ man!"

He laughed incredulously, wrapping me in a massive bro-hug as I laughed along with him. "Oh, man, I can't _wait_ to see Sona's reaction to this when it works!"

I pulled away when something came to mind. "Wait, how are you gonna get her to drink it? You can't just say what it does; you've gotta surprise her."

"Well..." Ellis put a hand to his chin in thought. "I _could_ just mix it in with some eggnog, then give it to her."

"That could work." I agreed. "Alright man, I'll see you around." I went to the door, fetching my clothes. "Good luck with Sona!"

"Thanks!" He called. "She's working with the carolers on her ethwal right now, so if you see her, keep your mouth shut!"

"You got it!" I mock-saluted before I went out the door.

"Well, it's lunchtime." I mused, rubbing my growling stomach. "Mixing a groundbreaking scientific advancement tends to make one hungry. Some food oughta do me good."

However, what I found in the food court was _not_ a bunch of restaurants filled to the brim, with delicious, succulent, _mouth-watering_ food, but a crowd of people gathered in a circle at the center, and judging by the shouts, curses, jabs and jibes, I assumed it was a fistfight. And lo and behold, Zilean, Gragas and Braum were engaged in a three-way brawl, and all of them were dressed like...Santa?

"What the _hell_ is going on here?" I asked Ezreal upon seeing him in the crowd.

"Every year, one champion volunteers to take up the role of Santa for the holidays." He explained, as we watched the three batter each other. "But this year, Zilean, Gragas and Braum all volunteered simultaneously, so now they're arguing about who gets to be the Jolly Old Man for the season."

"Why?" I frowned. "What's the point of trying to dress up as a cheap knock-off?"

"Huh?" He glanced inquisitively at me. "They aren't cheaply imitating anybody. Everyone knows that Santa isn't real."

"That's what you think." I replied as I pushed through the crowd.

" _ **HEY!**_ " I yelled, causing all three of them to pause. Braum had Gragas's shirt clenched in one hand with the other clenched into a raised fist, while Gragas was holding Zilean by the throat. Zilean, being the frail old geezer that he was (honestly, I was stunned that he hadn't come to me for advice on how to stay young, much like myself, being a fellow geezer), just comically slapped at both of them, the bulky Freljordians barely noticing.

"Gentlemen, _please!_ " I said. "There's a better way to settle this matter than by hitting each other in the face! Granted, it's hilarious, but even so, if we're going to do this, we're going to do it _right._ "

"Oh, yeah?" Gragas said. "And how do we do _tha'?_ "

I grinned. "I'm ever-so-glad you asked."

* * *

" ** _CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!_** " We all chanted, cheering as Braum and Gragas drained their mugs yet again.

Instead of beating each other senseless, the three Totally-Not-Santas-For-Reasons-I-Will-Explain-Later resolved, with my suggestion, to have a drinking contest. And while Graggy Ice was typically the perfect concoction for this sorta thing, in the spirit of Snowdown, we instead decided to use spiked eggnog as a substitute. We pulled up a table, two chairs and mugs, and off we went. Whoever was still conscious at the end was the cheap knock-off for the year. I personally was a little irritated, but I understood the intentions behind it. Apparently the year's Santa was supposed to read old Snowdown stories to kids down in the market a few miles out, along with doing a little "What would you like for Snowdown?" action. It was a touching gesture, but they really should've just left it to the Main Man himself.

(Syndra thinks I'm kidding. She has no idea.)

Zilean, the poor guy, was out cold after a single glass, sprawled out on the floor. A few summoners had to drag him to the hospital, where the healers would hopefully be able to get him back on his feet. He wasn't going to be happy with the penalty for losing once he woke up.

Oh, right, I didn't tell you. The losers of the contest had to dress up in a reindeer costume instead of Santa. I was probably going to be on the Naughty List this year, but it was _so_ worth it. The costumes came with shiny red noses and harnesses, too, along with fake antlers and hooves. Don't ask me where I got those. I have my ways.

"Gettin'...*hic*...awake yet *hic* Brawmy?" Gragas hiccuped, swaying slightly.

"Don't you mean 'tired'...Gragas?" Braum slurred. "Or is it...*hic*...awake? I've...forgotten."

"I...*hic* _think_ it was...awake..." Gragas trailed off, his eyelids looking heavy. "Can't remember *hic* m'self."

This had been going on for at _least_ half an hour, and I'd managed to satiate my hunger with a nice ham that was being served at a nearby restaurant. It even took ten minutes for me to get it, and they were _still_ chugging 'nog when I got back.

The two lazily began sipping their drinks, swaying from side to side so much that you could actually see it. Each time they did, they nearly fell out of their chairs.

"I...ain't *hic* gonna lose 'dis, Brawmy." Gragas said, unable to keep a hold of his eggnog. It nearly fell off the table, but I caught it just in time. The two swayed, dipped and shuddered, both about to lose consciousness.

But just as they started to fall from their chairs, Braum caught himself by keeping one arm on the table, while Gragas flopped on the ground.

"WE _HAVE A WINNER!_ " I announced, as the crowd rushed to Braum's side in ecstasy. " _BRAUM IS OFFICIALLY THIS YEAR'S CHEAP IMITA- SANTA!_ " It was the buffest Santa I'd ever seen, too. Braum had opened his furry red coat so that his abs showed.

"Get him some goat's milk!" I ordered. "He looks like he's pretty out of it!" Summoners began to help Braum pour the creamy liquid down his throat, until he firmly gripped the mug and thrust one fist into the air in triumph. Goat's milk, for whatever reason, had the ability to make Braum completely sober almost instantly after drinking alcohol. No one knew how, and no one cared. It was lots of fun at parties.

Braum let out a booming laugh as he finished. "Thank you all for this honor, my friends! I will do my absolute best to be the Santa you require!"

I felt a tap on my shoulder as I watched the celebration, and I turned to see Ahri with a mischievous grin on her face. She flicked her head back out towards the door, gesturing for me to follow.

As she whispered in my ear while we left, I replicated her grin. This was gonna be fun.

* * *

" _Heeeeeeeeeey,_ Morgana!" I said, draping an arm around the Fallen Angel's shoulders from behind. "What's going on?" Me and Ahri were at the Sinful Succulence bakery, where the first phase of our plan was about to be put into action.

"What do you _want,_ Helios?" She didn't even look up from the Snowdown cookies she'd just put in the oven. "Seeing as Ahri's with you, I assume it's for some sort of prank."

"Morgana, I'm hurt." I said, placing a hand on my heart in mock indignation. "How dare you make such accusations of me?"

"Just get to the point if you want me to help you." Morgana said, unamused.

"We just need an extra batch of cookies, along with some frosting." Ahri said, flicking her tails slightly in mirthful anticipation.

"You want me to bake _more_ cookies?" Morgana asked. "I'm already being pressed by the High Councilor to make enough for the holiday party in a few days. I don't have time for more, and that's even _with_ Pantheon helping me."

"You don't even have to bake, Morg!" I replied. "I've been taking lessons from Pantheon. Just hand us the dough and the frosting, and we'll do the rest."

She sighed. "Fine. But on _one_ condition."

"We're listening." Ahri said.

"Tell me what you've got planned." Morgana replied. "I have to admit, I'm a little curious to see what you've come up with for the holidays."

"Well..." Ahri smirked. "It's like this." Leaning forward, she whispered in Morgana's ear, and her eyes lit up deviously at what she heard.

"Oh, that _is_ good." She said. "Alright, fine. I'll give you what you need. You can grab it from the top shelf over there." Morgana pointed at the indicated shelf.

"Thanks!" We both replied, grabbing what we needed. "See you around!" The mage gave a small wave in response, already turning back to her cookies.

"Now, for step two of our grand scheme..." I grinned deviously.

* * *

I began working on the dough, getting it into the necessary shapes for the holidays. "This had _better_ go in the Institute's history books." I said, putting the cookies in the oven after I was done. "Future generations will curse us if they get bored in history class if it isn't." And believe me, they will. For one thing, past generations did it to the generation before when they were still in school. And let's be honest, you wish history could be funnier too, don't you?

"Ahri, the cookies are warming up." I informed. "You can work your magic on the frosting now."

She nodded in confirmation, dumping the frosting into a large stainless steel bowl. Taking in a deep breath, she puffed out a heap of swirling pink mist: her signature charm magic.

"Cookies are ready!" I said, after about half an hour.

(AN: if this is the incorrect way to make Christmas cookies, I apologize, I don't know squat about making cookies)

"Now we just apply the frosting!" Ahri nearly squealed with mischievous glee.

"And then, the final step." I cackled diabolically. I was having way too much fun with this, I know.

The cookies smelled heavenly after we applied the frosting. I was having a hard time resisting the urge to stuff my face.

"You got the mistletoe from Ivern, right?" I asked her.

"He doesn't suspect a thing." She grinned. "He thinks we're just using it for decorations."

"Well, technically we _are._ " I smirked. "Just a little... excessively."

"Time for the final phase!"

* * *

We set up with our cookies in my kitchen, and waited. That's all we did, seriously; we just plopped them on the kitchen table, and sat there on the stools by the counter. Well, we _did_ fan the sweet aroma out the door for five minutes. We had to let Ahri's charm magic work its...uh...magic.

Soon enough, the door nearly swung off its hinges, and there in the doorway was Katarina, looking like a cat sniffing for a mouse. Now that I think about it, that's actually pretty appropriate.

"I smelled cookies." She said. "Give them here."

I shrugged. "Sure. Come and get one." Inside I was desperately trying not to laugh.

She stepped forward to grab one, but as soon as she got within two meters of the table, an electric shock flashed out of nowhere, causing her to jump back with a yelp.

"What the-" She tried again, and got the same results. I was biting my lip to restrain my mirth.

"Well?" I raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you hungry?"

"I smelled food!" Shyvana called, Jarvan in tow as they entered. "Mind if I have some?"

I once again gave the okay, and the same thing happened. This continued to happen with everyone that tried, more and more people filing in: Garen, Ezreal, Nami, Jayce, Caitlyn, Ashe, Tryndamere, Leona, Pantheon, Riven, Yasuo and more all got the same results.

"Okay, do you not like my baking, or what?" I asked, trying to look irritated. "If you want one, just come and get one!"

"We're _trying!_ " Katarina fumed. "But every time we do, there's-" Her eyes narrowed. "Wait."

Me and Ahri finally couldn't hold it in any longer, and we howled our amusement, Ahri having to hang on to the table so that she wouldn't fall off her chair.

"Alright, you two." Raka said, placing her hands on her hips, equal parts stern and amused. "What sort of scheme have you come up with this time?"

"Nothing that affects you specifically." I replied, wiping a tear from my eye. "Here, catch!" I tossed her a cookie, which she happily munched on.

"Why does _she_ get one?" Katarina asked irritatingly.

"Because she's my best friend, that's why." I shot back. "That's a no-no when it comes to pranks."

"And I'm your granddaughter!" Shyvana retorted. "Yet _I'm_ not being excluded from this!"

"Yes, but it's my _job_ as a grandparent to be embarrassing, sweetheart." I grinned. "What kind of grandfather would I be if I wasn't?" She groaned.

"Anyways, if you _really_ want to get one of _these_..." I waved a cookie tantalizingly. "Well, look up." I gestured upwards with the cookie.

Me and Ahri had completely covered the ceiling with mistletoe, to the point where it looked like the jungle canopy in Kumungu.

"Oh, _no._ " Katarina said.

"Oh, _yes._ " I waggled my eyebrows with a grin. "In order to dig in, you have to...well...guess." I laughed, clapping my hands together. "Hope you brought your sweethearts, boys and girls!"

"Wait, how did you even put the barrier up?" Raka asked. "You don't know any magic."

I smiled. "Oh, Syndra was willing to provide a little assistance. Again, you just have to ask nicely."

"Oh, and one more thing." Ahri added. "The girls have to be carried bridal-style while they're making out with the guys."

Several knives bounced harmlessly against the magical barrier, meaning that Katarina wasn't amused. The best part was that since Ahri's charms worked on both genders, the cookies would be to irresistible to leave behind.

"So, who's ready to get started?" I asked.

* * *

It went just as I'd hoped: gloriously.

Jarvan was the first to react, immediately scooping Shyvana up in his arms and engaging in an intimate display. They made it across, and were rewarded with what they'd been promised. I also took a picture, to hang on my wall for later. Because, y'know, I'm supposed to be embarrassing.

Everyone else eventually went through with it, and even though she tried her hardest and was the only one left at the end, Katarina let Garen sweep her off her feet. Much satisfaction, such adorableness. For that one I took a video...which I then posted on the Institute's social media. Do I regret it? Not really, no. For one thing, I could tell they both enjoyed it, although Garen's feelings towards making out with the Sinister Blade were more obvious. She tried to play it cool, like she'd just done it for the food, but really, we all know better, don't we?

A few days after me and Ahri's little scheme, it was the annual Snowdown party, just a few days before the actual holiday. It was being hosted in the food court, but all of the tables and chairs had been rearranged to group up in the center. All the restaurants were closed, but food was being provided. A stage had been set up in front of the tables too, along with instruments for a band. Sweet, we were gonna get some music, huh? That was nice. Aurelion, Raka, Ahri, Ezreal (he was pretty much my de facto "Champion bro") and I were all seated at one table, idly chatting and snacking while we waited for things to get started.

"I really don't see what all the _fuss_ is about." Aurelion said, casually examining one claw as he lounged over the table. "It's just these petty humans making the same mistakes one year after the next. What reason could there _possibly_ be to celebrate _that_?"

He gestured towards Ahri. "I mean, _really,_ darling, how can you actually _aspire_ to be one of these creatures (Ezreal shot him a look at that)? There are _so_ many other variants of mediocrity!"

"You mean like an arrogant, air-headed, overly pompous space-dragon?" I snorted. "Yeah, that's one option." Ezreal howled at that, seeing Aurelion's priceless expression.

"Hey, it looks like the band's coming up to play!" Raka said, pointing at the stage. Sure enough, a few summoners in casual clothing were stepping up, each taking their respective instrument and beginning to tune, with a microphone in front of each of them. There were a few guitars, a drummer, everything else you'd expect, yadda yadda yadda, and... _Ellis?_

"Uh...hi." He waved once with his robotic hand. "Most of you _probably_ know who I am." He sent a brief nod and a smile in my direction. "But for those of you who _don't,_ my name is Ellis Delande, and I'm a bronze-tier summoner here at the Institute."

The crowd began murmuring, the platinum-tiers especially, and for them, not in a good way. "Yeah; that's me." He confirmed. "I'm the guy that likes to tinker around with tech most of the time. The guy that's pretty much a summoner only in name."

"Some of you probably know a lot about me." He continued. "And probably hate my guts as an extension." The crowd snickered a little. "Either because you think I shouldn't be a summoner." He smirked. "Or because you're jealous of the fact that I'm dating Sona Buvelle." He waved to where she was sitting. She waved back, smiling affectionately.

"But, it's Snowdown." Ellis said. "So let's just forget about all that for a little bit. And, coinciding with tonight's occasion, I have a little confession to make." He fiddled with the microphone slightly. "You might know that I have a bit of a thing for music. But, ah, I don't just like to _listen_ to it." He shrugged. "I actually like to sing occasionally as well."

Hold up, what now? Wait, is _that_ how he'd managed to keep Sona with him for so long? By _serenading_ her? Damn. I didn't know he was even capable of that. Give that man a medal. And a Snowdown cookie.

"And I've been tight-lipped about it because, well..." He chuckled nervously. "I'm a big wimp about that kinda thing. I get embarrassed easily." The crowd laughed.

"After mulling over the idea for a few months, and, admittedly, a _lot_ of encouragement from my lovely girlfriend over there..." Ellis shot a wink in her direction. She blew him a kiss. _So_ many jealous glares from the boys, let me tell you. All of that hotness wrapped up into the package named Sona Buvelle and it was reserved solely for Ellis. Suckers!

"So, I thought I'd sing a few Snowdown songs for all of you tonight!" Ellis said. "Would that be alright with you guys?"

The crowd cheered its approval.

"Well, alright then!" Ellis grinned. Suddenly, his demeanor switched from the mostly-antisocial gearhead to a guy that looked like he was _reveling_ in the mood up on stage. "Hit it, boys!"

The band began playing, and Ellis launched into the first holiday classic of the evening, which was one of my personal favorites:

(AN: Beach Boys, anyone? Edited a little to fit the game universe, but the tune's mostly the same. The next few songs are some of my personal favorites for Christmas, and I wanted to incorporate them into this fic in some way)

 _Oooooooo_

 _Happy Snowdown Saint Nick_

 _(Snowdown comes this time each year)_

 _Oooooooooooooooo_

 _Well, way up north, where the air gets cold_

 _There's a tale about Snowdown_

 _That you've all been told_

 _And a real famous cat all dressed up in red_

 _And he spends all year workin' out on his sled_

 _It's the little Saint Nick (Oooooooo, little Saint Nick)_

 _It's the little Saint Nick (Oooooooo, little Saint Nick)_

 _Just a little bobsled we call it old Saint Nick_

 _But she'll walk a toboggan with a four speed stick_

 _She's candy-apple red with a ski for a wheel_

 _And when Santa hits the gas - man, just watch her peel_

 _It's the little Saint Nick (Oooooooo, little Saint Nick)_

 _It's the little Saint Nick (Oooooooo, little Saint Nick)_

 _Run run reindeer,_

 _Run run reindeer - whoooooaaaaaa_

 _Run run reindeer,_

 _Run run reindeer - he don't miss no one_

 _And haulin' through the snow at a frightenin' speed_

 _With a half a dozen deer with Rudy to lead_

 _He's gotta wear his goggles 'cause the snow really flies_

 _And he's cruisin' every path with a little surprise_

 _It's the little Saint Nick (Oooooooo, little Saint Nick)_

 _It's the little Saint Nick (Oooooooo, little Saint Nick)_

 _Aaaaah oooooooo,_

 _Happy Snowdown Saint Nick_

 _(Snowdown comes this time each year)_

 _Aaaaah oooooooo,_

 _Happy Snowdown Saint Nick_

 _(Snowdown comes this time each year)_

 _Aaaaah oooooooo,_

 _Happy Snowdown Saint Nick_

 _(Snowdown comes this time each year)_

The audience gave a round of applause as Ellis finished. His voice had been _ridiculously_ smooth, absolutely flawless in pitch and tone. No wonder Sona had encouraged him to do this. I was really appreciating it myself.

"And don't think that's all, ladies and gentlemen!" Ellis said. "We've got a few more for you before we call it a night!" The jubilant grin on his face indicated that he was actually enjoying himself. I guess he'd found his true calling other than science. What a bizarre combination. Not that I can really complain, of course.

"Let's continue the party, ah?" He asked. "Here we go!" He then proceeded to begin the next song of the party, entering after a brief string of notes from the guitarist:

 _Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock_

 _Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring_

 _Snowin' and blowin' up bushels of fun_

 _Now the jingle hop has begun_

 _Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock_

 _Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time_

 _Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square_

 _In the frosty air_

 _What a bright time, it's the right time_

 _To rock the night away_

 _Jingle bell time is a swell time_

 _To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh_

 _Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet_

 _Jingle around the clock_

 _Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin' feet_

 _That's the jingle bell rock_

 _Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock_

 _Jingle bell chime in jingle bell time_

 _Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square_

 _In the frosty air_

 _What a bright time, it's the right time_

 _To rock the night away_

 _Jingle bell time is a swell time_

 _To go glidin' in a one-horse sleigh_

 _Giddy-up jingle horse, pick up your feet_

 _Jingle around the clock_

 _Mix and a-mingle in the jinglin' feet_

 _That's the jingle bell_

 _That's the jingle bell_

 _That's the jingle bell rock_

I put my index finger and thumb in my mouth and whistled sharply, before joining the crowd in applause.

"Damn, he's actually really good!" Ezreal commented over the uproar. "I didn't think he even had that kind of talent!"

"Me neither." I agreed. "It's a nice surprise, though."

"It is." Raka affirmed. "Wait, didn't he say that he had 'a few more' songs after the first one?"

"Yeah, why?" I asked.

"Because the band's packing up their instruments." She gestured towards the stage. They were indeed, and all of them except for Ellis were leaving. He just stood there, looking like he was waiting for something. Several other summoners then came up, carrying violins, other string instruments, and both sides of...a piano?

" _No._ " I said bluntly. "There's no way he's gonna-"

Ellis then sat down at a stool in front of it, adjusting the microphone to sit at his height.

"He can play the _piano_ too?!" I then stood up. "Ellis, are you just showing off at this point?!" I called.

"How ever did you guess?" He grinned. "Right, everyone, this is the last song of the night. We're taking a different pace this time, and, well..." He smirked. "I think a lot of you know this one." He then cracked his knuckles (which was kinda neat, because five of them were metal), and set his fingers on the piano's keys. The strings then strummed a few notes, and I instantly smiled and sighed, leaning back in my chair at the familiar tune:

(AN: You're going to LOVE this one.)

 _Chestnuts roasting by an open fire_

 _Jack Frost nipping at your nose_

 _Yuletide carols being sung by a choir_

 _And folks dressed up like eskimos_

 _Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe_

 _Help to make the season bright_

 _Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow_

 _Will find it hard to sleep tonight_

 _They know that Santa's on his way_

 _He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh_

 _And every mother's child is gonna spy_

 _To see if reindeer really know how to fly_

 _And so I'm offering this simple phrase_

 _To kids from one to ninety-two_

 _Although it been said, many times, many ways_

 _Happy Snowdown to you_

 _They know that Santa's on his way_

 _He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh_

 _And every mother's child is gonna spy_

 _To see if reindeer really know how to fly_

 _And so I'm offering this simple phrase_

 _To kids from one to ninety-two_

 _Although it been said, many times, many ways_

 _Happy Snowdown to you_

 _Happy Snowdown to you_

The crowd erupted into tumultuous applause, Ellis standing up to make a flourish and a bow. "Thank you!" He said. "Thank you! You're all too kind!" He waved to the audience as he stepped down from the stage to the left, Sona coming up to meet him. They kissed for a moment, Ellis wrapping his metallic arm around Sona as the two made their way to their table.

"Well, this has been a _fantastic_ first Snowdown in Runeterra, just let me say." I said. "I can't think of a better way to spend the holidays then like this."

Raka smiled. "I'm glad that I get to spend it with you, Helios." She reached to take my hand, which was laying on the table. "I actually get to share the holidays with my best friend for once."

For whatever reason, my cheeks suddenly felt hot at the contact, naughty them. I most certainly did _not_ give them permission to make me feel all weird inside! Can I get someone who can teach me how to control my bodily reactions? I feel like they need to be taught to stop misbehaving.

"Y-Yeah." I managed to put up a decent façade that everything was alright. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

* * *

'Twas the night before Snowdown and through the Institute

'Cray stuff was happening, oh shit, oh poop

Well, it was really quite grand, and I'll tell you why

Gragas was drunk again, and Jinx, sugar-high

Katarina was off giving Garen her present

And judging from their moans it was clearly quite pleasant

And I don't mean to brag, don't mean to boast

But Aurelion was still mad at my earlier roast

Ellis was busy serenading his Maven

And Darius was getting a headache from Draven

Zyra, as far as I could see

Was mourning the butchery of Snowdown trees

Vayne was still as edgy as ever

What a drama queen, she'll be salty forever

Azir remained puzzled at the concept of snow

They only have sand in Shurima, don't you know?

Swain was brooding over his cane

And Kled, well, he was still downright insane

Rammus was Rammus, not much to say there

Zac had managed to get slime everywhere

Mordekaiser had a foul attitude

He was attempting to kill the holiday mood

Zilean and Grag were dressed like reindeer

Well, crud, what rhymes with "reindeer?"

And as the two were at Braum's beck and call

They cried "Goddamn it, goddamn it, goddamn it all!"

Wait, I've got a rhyme! Let's all give a cheer!

 _"Happy Snowdown to all, except the two deer!"_

* * *

Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system. I'll tell you what _really_ happened.

It was the night before Snowdown, and everybody was tucking in for the evening. Everything that I put into rhyme more or less happened, but it's what happened _after_ that was by far the highlight of my evening.

It was around midnight, and I had decided to get myself a late-night mug of hot cocoa from my pantry. The hallways were dead silent, from what I could tell, which meant that I was probably the only one awake.

So, yawning in my plain white pajamas, I trudged down the stairs as quietly as I could, turning on the kitchen lights and fetching a mug from the cupboard. Placing it under the coffee machine on the counter, I put the machine on the proper setting, and waited for the mug to fill. Afterwards, I took it to the main window of my room, and quietly watched the falling snow.

But then, I felt a little...tingling, in my fingers and toes, almost like they were about to burst with positive energy. The air suddenly felt fresher, and I felt a strange warmth spreading through my chest.

I smiled. "I was wondering when you'd show up." I didn't even turn around, taking a sip of my drink. "You're never off schedule, are you, Nick, you jolly old geezer?"

A faint chuckle followed in reply from behind me, and it was filled with kindness and warmth. Despite being so quiet, it was one of the most genuinely joyful sounds I'd ever heard. "Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint the children, now would I?" The voice of an old man said. "I must say, Helios, the human look suits you."

"Courteous as always." I turned around with a grin. "You haven't changed a bit since I last saw you."

The old man standing there was huge, around six foot seven. He was dressed in a large red coat, with white fluff around the edges and collar. Thick red pants with black boots were on his legs, and a belt with a simple gold buckle was around his waist. He wore brown leather gloves, and his cheeks were tinged a faint rosy red. The man's eyes were a radiant shade of blue, full of mirth and happiness. His bushy white beard almost went down to his belt. He even had the hat on, red with a fuzzy white ball on the end. Slung over his shoulder was a large sack.

"But of course, old friend." Nicholas grinned. "It's in my job description." I chuckled.

"Yeah, I guess that's true." I said. "Did you see the milk and cookies that Annie left you in her room? I think she's one of the only people here that actually still believes in you."

He sighed fondly. "Such a sweet girl." He chuckled. "When she isn't on the Rift, of course. And yes, I did see them. They were quite delicious." Nicholas smiled and winked. "I also left Tibbers a friend on the side of Annie's bed."

"She'll love that." I said. "She's been meaning to get another bear for her tea parties." I gave him a brief gesture of respect with my mug. "Your knack for gifts is flawless, as always." I smirked. "But then again, as the Spirit of Generosity, that's kind of a given, isn't it?"

"True." He replied. "And I always enjoy seeing them so happy when they open their gifts." He smiled wistfully. "I've always loved how Snowdown can bring such joy. It's why it's my signature holiday."

"Who's getting coal in their stockings this year?" I asked. "The usual."

Nicholas nodded. "To this day, LeBlanc believes it is nothing more than a prank played by mischievous troublemakers." He smiled cheekily. "And no matter how many detection spells she places in her dorm, I _still_ find a way to sneak past them."

"Not to mention that part of the problem is that she thinks she can actually catch Santa Claus." I snickered.

"Anyways, how come you're here?" I asked. "Did you just want to say hi, or was there another reason?" I began taking a big gulp of my cocoa.

He shrugged. "I did want to give a quick hello before I resumed my duties for the night, but I also wanted to remind you that you forgot to get Soraka a Snowdown present."

I promptly spat out my drink onto the floor, because I was totally asking for it. I mean, really, what else would happen? "Oh, _shit!_ " I began to freak out, running my hands through my hair. "You're right, I totally did! Oh, man, what do I do? It's way too late to go out quick and get something, what should I-"

"Relax, old friend." Nicholas held up a hand to silence me. "I already have you covered." Reaching into his sack, he pulled out a long, rectangular black case. I took it as he offered it to me, and my eyes shot wide open as I observed the object within.

"Where did you get this?" I asked, never taking my eyes off of it.

He grinned. "I have my ways." Nicholas adjusted the sack on his shoulder. "Right, then. I need to get going. The reindeer get anxious if I'm gone for too long, and I have gifts to deliver."

"Sure." I closed the case, smiling. "See you around, Nick. Thanks for the assist. You're a lifesaver."

He gave a small salute. "Anytime, old friend. Simply ask, and I shall deliver." He dissolved into a swirl of frost and snow, disappearing under the door.

I turned around to walk back up the stairs, holding the black case in my hands. Placing it on my nightstand, I flopped back onto my bed and drifted off to sleep. Tomorrow was going to create quite a few memories, that was certain.

* * *

I woke up with a yawn, cracking and stretching my stiff arms as I sat up in bed. Blinking my heavy eyes a few times, my face stretched into a smile as I remembered the special occasion.

Today was Snowdown, which meant it was the start of the new year. A chance at new beginnings, and to correct the mistakes of the previous year.

Flinging on some clothes, I grabbed the black case from my nightstand and bolted out the door. I didn't even bother to run down the stairs, sliding on the railing instead, because, y'know, I'm a freaking PRO.

I got myself ready as quickly as I could, a few spare Snowdown cookies and some eggnog serving as my breakfast. As soon as I'd finished brushing my teeth, I flung the door to my room open, dashing out with a whoop.

" _HAPPY SNOWDOWN, EVERYONE!_ " I yelled, running down the halls past several champions and summoners. They were already beginning to exchange gifts, exclamations of joy and gratitude ringing through the air. I was looking for Raka, hoping to give her my gift when I nearly crashed into Ahri.

"Helios, hi!" She smiled. "Happy Snowdown!"

"Thanks, Ahri. Happy Snowdown yourself!" I replied.

"Here, the High Councilor's tasked me with handing these out!" She said, before plopping something down on my head.

"A Santa hat?" I grinned. "I _love_ these!" I shook my head around, letting the hat flap around for a few seconds.

"Well, I'm glad you like it." Ahri grinned, then gestured to the case I held. "Is that your gift?"

"Yeah, it's for Raka." I confirmed. "She's gonna love it."

"Mind if I take a peek?" She asked, winking. I shook my head, chuckling.

"Sorry, but it's a surprise." I replied. "Speaking of which, I'd better give it to her." I ran past, waving goodbye. "See you around!"

I sprinted down the halls of the Institute, on the lookout for my best friend with my new hat on my head, which I thought was downright fabulous. I then paused, however, as shouts and exclamations of alarm from the Demacian dorms caught my attention.

I had a feeling I already knew what it was, moving towards it with worry settling in my gut. Upon arriving at the source, I found Vayne pinning Ellis to a wall, her crossbow leveled at his throat. Sona was on her knees on the ground, clutching her throat with one hand while coughing up a storm. Jarvan, Shyvana and Xin Zhao were crouched around her, trying to come up with some remedy for her position, but evidently coming up short.

"What's going on?" I asked, marching straight towards them. "Get your hands off my summoner, Vayne!"

"Unfortunately, I can't do that." She sneered, slightly digging the tip of a crossbow bolt into his larynx. "This piece of filth attempted to poison Sona! He must've put something in her drink!"

"For the _last time,_ it _isn't_ poison!" Ellis protested. "I keep on telling you that, but you still don't get it!"

"If it isn't poison, then why is she on the ground looking like she's about to die of asphyxiation?" Vayne snarled. " _Answer me!_ "

"Vayne, that's enough." I said, placing an arm on the one that was locked around Ellis's throat. "I know exactly what the stuff in her drink was, and it's not harmful. I should know; I helped him make it."

" _You_ helped him do this?!" She said, immediately whipping her wrist-crossbow towards my face. "Explain yourself, _now!_ "

I arched an eyebrow disapprovingly at the threat. "Get your weapon out of my face, Vayne."

" _I said explain yourself._ " Vayne didn't back down.

"Vayne, if you attack my grandfather, I _swear_ that I will make you pay for it!" Shyvana growled, flames dancing along her body.

"I don't take orders from _you._ " She replied.

"Vayne, stand down!" Jarvan ordered. "That's no way to treat one of our own!"

"I'm sorry, my prince." Vayne replied. "But I won't stand down when justice needs to be delivered."

I sighed. "Alright, Edgequeen, have it your way." I tossed Raka's present up into the air, then grabbed Vayne's arm while she was distracted and flipped her over my head, pinning her to the floor. I caught the case in my free hand without even looking, my other arm locked around her throat.

"Ellis, go check on her." I said. He nodded, jogging over to crouch in front of Sona.

"Sona, hey." He said quietly. "Look at me." She did so, her lips trembling as she quivered.

"It's alright." Ellis said reassuringly. "It's alright. You're going to be fine." Sona nodded her understanding, clutching the fabric of his shirt and leaning against him.

"Does it hurt as much now?" He asked. She pulled away, shaking her head.

"Good." Ellis said. "It should be working by now."

"... _What_ should be working by now?" She asked.

He smiled. " _That._ " He said.

Sona was silent for a few moments, before the realization of what had just happened appeared to hit her like a wrecking ball.

She'd _talked._

(AN: To be fair, it was probably obvious for a lot of you. I didn't really intend for it to be a surprise anyway. For those of you who were wondering why exactly I decided to go this route, it's to demonstrate how much Helios cares about humanity, along with provide some further advancement between Ellis and Sona's relationship. Helios is willing to help any of his creations if they have problems he can fix, no questions asked. He put a lot of work into them, after all. He needs to take care of them.)

"W-What-" Her eyes began to fill with tears as Ellis helped her up, in complete shock. Everyone else's jaws had just about hit the floor. " _H-How-?_ "

Ellis smiled. "Happy Snowdown, Sona."

She cupped a hand on her mouth, shutting her eyes as she cried further, tears running down her cheeks. "How did you do this?" Sona asked quietly, pressing herself against him. "How is this possible?"

"Helios helped me out." He gestured towards me with a smile. "I wanted to show you how much you mean to me. I couldn't have finished your present in time without his help."

Shyvana stared at me with an awestruck wonder, as if what I'd done bordered on a miracle, which, to be honest, was more or less the case, I guess.

"You did this?" Sona asked, regarding me with awe.

I held up both hands. "Hey, it was Ellis's idea. I just helped him out with it. I gotta help my friends out, that's all."

She immediately turned back to him and _slammed_ her lips against his, wrapping her arms around his neck as they interlocked with each other, the summoner's arms moving around her back.

"I love you." She said in between kisses, the exchange starting to get a little more passionate. Rowr! "I love you, I love you, _I love_ _you-_ "

They started to move in sync with each other, Sona reaching back to open the door to her room. Ellis kicked it shut behind them once they were through, leaving us all in stunned silence.

"Uh. Alrighty, then." I sweat-dropped. "That just happened. I, uh...guess we know what Ellis is getting for Snowdown now, don't we?"

Jarvan regarded me with a sense of wonder. "That was an incredible thing you just did, Helios."

I shrugged. "I wouldn't say _that._ It just needed to be done, that's all."

"You just _gave Sona a voice._ " Shyvana said, stunned. "That's...I don't even have the words." She beamed with pride. "I'm proud to call you a part of my family."

"Aw, you're just trying to make me feel good." I smiled sheepishly. "It's working, just so you know." I huffed. "And, to honor our agreement, as soon as the holidays are over, I will immediately apply to become a Demacian champion." I frowned at Vayne, who had recovered. "Even if it means dealing with Salt Queen over here." She glowered.

"Listen, I've gotta give this to Raka." I gestured to my gift. "So I'm gonna head over to the Ionian dorms. We can catch up later if you want."

"I'd like that." Shyvana replied. "I'll see you then."

"Later!" I called, running towards the dorms.

I actually didn't have to run for very long, almost bowling Raka over as I turned the corner.

"Helios! There you are!" She smiled. "I've been looking all over for you! Happy Snowdown!"

"Happy Snowdown to you to, Raka." I smiled. I held out the case in both hands, slightly nervous. "Here. This is for you."

She looked it over inquisitively. "What is it?"

"It's..." I took in a breath, then huffed it out. "Just open it."

Raka took it gingerly, slowly prying it open. She gasped as it opened all the way, covering her mouth with one hand.

"A...a _Celestial Rose?_ " She plucked the flower from the soft lining inside. It was one of the rarest flowers in the universe, that's right, _universe,_ so rare that very few planets are lucky to have them. Celestial Roses have glowing white stems, that appear to glow with starlight. But the _petals,_ however, are what make it truly unique. They're the color of the night sky itself, a swirling mix of black and deep purple and blue, with tiny stars dotting the organic material. "Where did you get one?"

I shrugged with a grin. "I know a guy." I rubbed the back of my neck. "They, uh, grew in the grove you lived in before, right? If I recall correctly, they were your favorite kind of flower." I said. "I thought you'd like it, as a way to remind you of the good times we had before Warwick screwed everything up."

"Helios, I'm..." Raka looked at it in wonder. "I'm speechless. I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything." I replied with a smile. "It's enough to know you like it." I gestured for her to give it to me. "Here. Let me see it for a second."

I carefully tucked it into her braid, until only the petals were visible near the upper-left corner of her forehead. "There! Perfect!" I grinned.

"Thank you so much." She enveloped me in a tight hug, pressing herself against me. "This is the perfect gift." Raka pulled away, suddenly looking bashful.

"I...got you something as well." Raka chewed her lip a little, placing one hoof behind the other and tugging at her lip with one finger. "But...I don't know if you'll like it."

"Don't be ridiculous, Raka." I said reassuringly. "I could never dislike anything you got me. We know each other well enough, I'm sure it'll be great."

"You really think so?" She asked.

"Of course!" I gave her a lopsided grin. "Silly girl, you don't even need to ask a question like that!"

Raka giggled. My heart somersaulted into my stomach. Yow. Wait, what? "Okay, then." She breathed in, then huffed it out, similar to what I'd done a minute earlier. "Here it is."

(AN: _IT IS TIME._ )

She then yanked my Santa hat down over my eyes. "Hey, Raka, cut it-" I was about to berate her, but then stopped.

Something soft and warm was pressing against my lips. It tickled a little, and was really soft. Did I mention that already? And it tasted like...bananas?

I dimly registered in the back of my head what I was making contact with, but my body remained rooted to the ground, frozen. Suddenly, a whole lot of new perspectives were opening up to me, ones I had never even considered before.

...Okay, that's a lie. I'd become _somewhat_ aware of those perspectives, but never enough to really think about it.

What? I can't help it if I'm a clueless idiot! It's not like I'd had experience with this sorta thing before then!

The soft sensation pulled away, and Raka slowly lifted my hat over my eyes again. "Well?" She asked nervously. "Did you...like it?" She actually looked scared. She'd taken a big gamble, one that could take a completely wrong turn. _Not._

"Uh...wow." I blinked. "Just... _wow._ I, um...wow." I slowly grinned. "That was...great."

"Really?" Raka asked, her hope steadily rising in her eyes.

"Yeah." I moved forward, placing my hands on her hips. "It was. And you know something?"

"What?" Our faces were slowly inching closer, our eyes never leaving each other for a second.

"I think I'd like to do that again." I was grinning like an idiot. "I'd really, _really_ like to do that again."

"Then what's stopping you?" Raka said, replicating my smile.

"Absolutely nothing." I replied.

I then tightened my grip, leaned in and kissed her.

All in all, not bad for a first Snowdown in Runeterra.

* * *

 _ **I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! This was at least twice as long as normal, and consider it my Christmas present to all of you. As you can see, I've finally delivered on my pairing. Bananas are pretty much Helios's favorite fruit now. And I'd also like to say: thank you. All of you. It's your support that helped me to write this extra-long chapter, and put the added effort into it. I appreciate everything that you've done to help me continue, and I hope that you remain by this story's side until the end. I wish you a happy holidays! Merry Christmas, everyone!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	19. Swain Gets Cr-Owned

_**What's up, everybody, I'm back with a new chapter! It's been around two weeks since I last updated this, but for those of you who saw the little "gift" I gave, the short-story, then you know that I haven't necessarily been inactive. I'm finally home from Athens, and as cool as it was, I'm not really one for tons of old buildings. Don't get me wrong, some were pretty cool, but they all start to look the same after a while. So, anyways, this chapter is primarily going to focus on Helios becoming inducted into Demacia's ranks, including a dinner with Jarvan the Third and his court. Since Helios possesses no formal etiquette whatsoever when it comes to these sort of things, we can all guess how it's gonna go. Also, remember how our hero mentioned that Jarvan the Third didn't approve of his son's relationship with Shyvana? Helios ain't havin' that. And since he's just a little ways away from being a god, he doesn't give shit when it comes to whether someone's royalty or not. The King and nobles of Demacia are about to learn what happens when you mess with the granddaughter of the sun. WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH RIGHT NOW!**_

* * *

"So, if I am to understand this correctly," Kolminye clasped her hands together on her desk. "you wish to align yourself with Demacia as well as Mount Targon?"

It'd been a few weeks since Snowdown, but the snow certainly hadn't let up. In fact, it had turned into a full-blown blizzard. It had gotten so bad that no one could get out of the Institute, meaning we were effectively snowed in. Even the Freljordian champions couldn't get through it. The only way we could get outside was by taking the teleporters, but they only went to the other city-states. Currently, if you hadn't guessed already, I was in the High Councilor's office, making good on my promise to Shyvana. After all, it's my responsibility as a grandparent to cater to the needs of my descendants.

"That's right." I replied, lounging in my chair. "If it isn't too much trouble, that is."

"Not at all." She said, fiddling with a few papers for a moment. "I assume this is because of your blood relation to Shyvana?" Kolminye chuckled. "Goodness, that certainly was a surprise."

I shrugged. "Family is family. I'd rather not be forced to fight my own granddaughter because of a little skirmish between Demacia and Mount Targon."

"Very well." She sighed, suddenly looking exhausted.

"What? What's up, Vess?" I asked. Kolminye's first name was Vessaria, so I sometimes called her Vess when I was in the mood. She didn't really mind. It may be because I'm technically on a higher level of authority than her, having made the world and all.

"It's just..." Kolminye winced. "You know of the rivalry between Demacia and Noxus, yes?"

I snorted. "Yeah, and water's wet, along with the sky being blue. Tell me something I don't know." I raised an eyebrow. "What does their feud have to do with me adding Demacia to my friend list?" As soon as the question came out, I already understood. It was only the most "duh" thing to realize.

"Normally, it wouldn't be an issue for someone new to join Demacia's ranks." Kolminye started to explain. "However, you would be an exception, due to your exceptional power levels." She hummed thoughtfully. "Frankly, there are probably only a handful of people here who would be able to match you."

I sheepishly grinned. "I can't exactly help it if I'm OP. Maybe if you pitted me against Syndra without restrictions, then I could actually put some effort into it."

"Noted." She replied. "Anyways, since you are so powerful, Noxian High Command will most likely see you as a threat. The last thing they need at the moment is a 'secret weapon' for their enemy, if you will."

"And by 'Noxian High Command,' you mean Jericho Swain specifically." I rolled my eyes after my clarification. Ol' Jerry's interactions with the public and press basically consisted of two things: either a very long version of "I didn't do it" or "It's not fair that our rivals have blah blah blah and we don't." He was almost like a toddler, complaining after he didn't get any ice cream. Still, that didn't make him any less dangerous.

"The paperwork alone will be immense." Kolminye groaned, rubbing her temples. "It will take me at least a week to even finish half of it."

"Or you could just toss it out the window." I suggested. "Really, why should you have to respond to hate-mail from Swain?"

She sighed. "Unfortunately, as much as I'd like to, I don't have the luxury of doing such a thing, due to my position." She huffed. "Still, it is my duty of High Councilor to deal with these things, and nonetheless, I will get through it."

"Now, before we properly enroll you, the King of Demacia, Jarvan the Third, has a few specific requirements for every warrior that wishes to affiliate themselves with his kingdom." The High Councilor pulled a paper from the stack and began examining it. "Just a few questions, is all."

"Alright, shoot." I replied. "Shouldn't be too hard."

"The first one basically just inquires about your 'sense of righteousness,' to put it one way." She said. "Whether you understand the importance of justice or not."

I thought over it for a moment. "Sure; I like to think I know what the right thing is." Was my reply. "I mean, I can't guarantee that what I believe is right would be _exactly_ like what Demacians believe, but I think that it wouldn't be too much of a problem."

"What is the proper way to view a Noxian?" Was the next question. I gave Kolminye an amused deadpan.

"Nice try, I'm not answering that." I said. "Considering what Garen and Katarina were doing a while ago."

She chuckled. "Yes, they certainly were vocal, weren't they?" She replied. "Fair enough, I suppose I can overlook that one. Jarvan the Third should take my word as enough."

"Is that all?" I asked. "Are we good now?"

"Not quite." She replied. "How's your formal etiquette?"

"Er..." I sweat-dropped. _Shit._ "Well...it's _okay,_ I guess?"

" _Helios..._ " Kolminye gave a knowing look, somewhat stern. "In order to become a Demacian champion, you must have an audience with the King in person, as well as dine with his court. I can't give clearance if you make an embarrassment of yourself in front of royalty."

"I'll be fine." I promised. "Really."

"We're doomed." She groaned. "But I suppose we can give it a go." Bullshit, I said I was gonna be _fine._ Well, I did have to have a little "chat" with Jarvan the Third about his treatment of my granddaughter, but really, _w_ hat could go wrong?

I was just asking for it, wasn't I?

* * *

"In here." Kolminye ushered me in through a door in the Demacian section of the Institute. "I'm required to formally introduce you to the other Demacian champions, but seeing as you already know a few, I would simply recommend familiarizing yourself with the ones you don't know on a personal level."

The room looked like a simple "chill space" for the Demacian champions, with couches and chairs lined up accordingly. Standing in the center, going from left to right, were Jarvan, Shyvana, Garen, Lux, Sona, Fiora, Xin Zhao, Quinn, Lucian, Poppy, Vayne, Galio, and Kayle. For some reason, the Judicator was giving me the stink-eye. It must've been because of that little stunt that involved Morgana during the holiday season. The sibling feud was, by this point, just stupid, in my opinion.

"I leave him in your hands." Kolminye nodded towards Jarvan. "Let me know if everything goes smoothly."

"I will." He replied, before the High Councilor turned and walked out the door, shutting it behind her.

"So!" I clapped my hands together, skimming over the champions in front of me. "Who's first?"

"Me!" Lux said, coming over to shake my hand _very_ enthusiastically. "It's nice to meet you, Helios! I'm Luxanna! But you can call me Lux."

I smirked. "It's nice to finally talk to Demacia's little ray of sunshine. It'll be a blast to get to know you, I'm sure."

"I agree!" She beamed.

I looked at Garen. "I like her." I pointed to his sister. "She's cool."

He chuckled. "Yes, she tends to have that effect on people." He was up next, shaking my hand like Lux had, but this time not so hard. Lux had nearly torn my arm from its socket, and that was saying something, considering how strong I am. "We've met before, but it's always good to be welcoming."

"Like how you 'welcomed' Katarina into your room a few weeks back?" I teased. Garen's face went red. Lux found that extremely funny.

"And Shy!" I said, directing my attention to my granddaughter next. "I don't know if I've told you this, but I'm your great-great-granddad!"

" _Really?_ " She gasped mockingly, playing right along. "I'm _shocked!_ " We broke down into a giggling fit. Vayne scoffed.

"Can we actually take this seriously?" The Night Hunter asked.

"Oh, _fine._ " I rolled my eyes. "Let's see, who's next...oh, Fiora!"

I walked over to her, giving a small bow in a show of respect. " _Bonjour, Madame Laurent._ " I said with a smirk. " _C'est un plaisir de vous rencontrer en personne._ "

Fiora looked pleasantly surprised. " _Tu parles demacienne?_ " She asked.

I shrugged. " _Certains._ " I replied. "I speak enough to get a general picture, but I never really took the time to become fluent. Mostly because I was too busy learning void. It's hard to ignore when Kog'Maw is drooling acid everywhere."

"We shall have to fix that, then." She smiled approvingly.

"That'd be nice." I said with a nod. I went through the others one by one, in which Poppy attempted to give me her hammer, at which a chorus of " _ **NO!**_ " from the others prevented her from doing so. Suicide hammers aren't exactly my preferred weapon, so I didn't really protest. Lucian just gave a curt nod, while Kayle seemed almost cold. Whatcha gonna do?

"Right." Jarvan said, after we were done. "Shall we get going? My father doesn't like to be kept waiting."

"Sure, I'll meet you at the teleporters." I responded. "I just have to take care of a few things, and then we can go." After giving a quick goodbye to Shyvana, I hurried down the halls to the Targonian dorms. I needed to grab my armor and axe, which were both in my closet. Even though my etiquette was shit, I understood the importance of first impressions. You have to, in order to be fabulous. I'd also discovered that I could get my hair to light up even when I wasn't angry. That would be good to include.

As soon as I'd finished changing, I went to fetch Leona and Pantheon, as my "escorts," to put it one way. Entering the Citadel of Dawn in shining armor with blazing hair, flanked by powerful warriors would probably do just fine. As I was getting close, though, I ran into Raka, who'd just finished a match.

I smiled upon seeing her. "Hey." I greeted, stepping in close.

"Hey." She replied, mirroring my expression. I pulled her in, and we kissed for a moment, the two of us smiling into it.

I was in love with Soraka the Starchild.

I'm just going to admit it. I was head-over-heels in love with her. She was the only one for me. By the way, heads up, because I'm about to get cheesy for a moment.

Some of you probably don't understand what exactly is so great about being in love. I didn't myself, until Raka kissed me. It's like...you know how when you're really nervous, it feels like you've got a hole in your chest? It's basically the exact opposite. You feel like your chest might burst, because you're just so... _happy._ It wouldn't matter _what_ happened to you in your life, because you'll still have your other half. You just feel so amazed at how lucky you are. For me, Raka's perfect. Her personality fits extremely well with mine, and she is without a doubt the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I mean, her _dress..._ yow. How did I nab _that?_ Why did _I_ get her? That's why it's so incredible, I guess. The fact that the woman of your dreams actually chooses _you..._ it makes you feel like you're really worth something.

...Welp, that's enough cheese from me. For those of you who vomited, prepare a trash can for next time. Sorry for making you suffer, by the way. But, ah, that's what happens when you get a lady. You're just gonna have to deal with it.

"Off to keep your promise to Shyvana?" Raka asked, looping her arms around my neck.

"Yeah." I replied, my hands on her hips. "You know how it is. I'll be back after dinner."

"Well, don't take _too_ long." She purred, briefly nudging her hips against me. Uh... _wow._ That _definitely_ had its intended effect, if you know what I mean. Turns out, Raka has a flirty side. Not that I minded in the least. "I'd hate to spend tonight alone."

Oh boy. Now she'd done it.

"I'll try not to keep you waiting." I promised, leaning down to peck her on the lips one last time. "I'll see you later."

Pulling away, ever-so-reluctantly, I waved goodbye before continuing my search. Surprisingly, they were already waiting for me outside their respective rooms, Leona clutching a folded lump of fabric in both hands, her sword and shield slung across her back.

"Ready?" She asked. "I thought you might want the cloak." She smiled. "First impressions are important, after all." Well, whaddya know, she was learning! So proud of her at that moment.

"You thought right." I grinned, clasping it on. "Pantheon, I need you to look as intimidating as possible for today. We gotta show Demacia how it's done."

He nodded. "I can do that." He said.

"Excellent." I turned away, letting my cloak flap dramatically. "Let's show these Demacians how to make an entrance."

* * *

I whistled appreciatively as I flickered back into view, the others following suit as we exited the teleporter.

Demacia and Noxus are both great in their own ways, but if you want to see really cool buildings, you couldn't do better than Demacia. The architecture is phenomenal, many of buildings made of gleaming white marble. They're freaking huge, too, almost hitting the clouds above. If humanity ever hits the Golden Age I've been hoping for, most cities would probably look like Demacia, minus the pride and ass-sticks. No offense to Demacians, but they can be way too proud for their own good sometimes. Despite it being winter, the city was only covered with a light layer of snow, the sun shining bright overhead. Runeterra is full of Geography Derps, let me tell you. And yes, it's my fault. I still don't really care.

Surprisingly, Ellis and Ahri had come with us. Apparently, between their singing voices and Sona's instrumental talent, they figured that they could get a few tracks going, start an album. They had to ask permission from the king first, though. The nobles are fidgety about "loaning" the Maven of Strings to others.

"I've seen Demacia before, when I was a star." I said. "But it looks even more impressive up close."

"Coming from the creator of the world, that's a pretty big compliment." Quinn replied, Valor screeching in agreement. I was beginning to understand what he was trying to say. It would take me a while, but I figured that eventually I could add Demacian Eagle to my list of spoken languages.

All of us had entered into a courtyard in the Citadel of Dawn, the palace of Jarvan the Third. Funny name, the Citadel of Me. I guess it more or less fit the role. If the space was for rent, I totally would've used it as a bachelor pad, except, y'know, minus the bachelor. I stared up at the main building, which was several hundred feet up. The courtyard was alive with activity, messengers, soldiers and various other workers all hurrying around. I could see a few gardens outside the walls surrounding the area, and finely chiseled statues of Demacian warriors surrounded us on four sides, each about as tall as five people.

"You Demacians don't do second-rate, do you?" I asked. Jarvan laughed.

"I don't believe we even know the meaning of the word." He replied. "Come. My father is waiting."

I fell into step beside him and Shyvana, Leona and Pantheon flanking behind me. Sona, Ellis and Ahri were chatting excitedly, while Garen was trying to keep Lux from ogling a rainbow for too long. That's really the only way to describe it.

"Double rainbow?" She gasped. "What does it mean?"

"Good times and good fortune are coming your way." I called back.

"Really?" She exclaimed. I shrugged, making a gesture with the hand that wasn't on my axe, which was resting on my shoulder.

"According to Ivern, at least." I said. "He's more into that kinda thing than I am, so I just take his word for it."

"Yay!" Lux cheered. Despite technically being an adult, she sometimes acted a lot younger than her age suggested. No one cared, though. She was way too positive and bubbly to chastise.

"Make way for the Crown Prince!" A guard called as we approached the main entrance, guards lining up on either side of us before raising their swords in salute, crossing their blades across from each other and making miniature archways above us as we advanced. Some of them snuck a glance at me occasionally, as well as the fox-lady with nine tails and the casually dressed summoner with a robotic arm. I couldn't blame them. This wasn't exactly something that happened regularly.

"Do you have to deal with this every time?" I whispered to Shyvana.

"Every time." She confirmed, also whispering. "Formal occasions like this are taken very seriously."

" _Stiiiiiiiiiicks_." I replied. She giggled softly.

Two guards opened the doors, and we filed into the throne room. It was similar to everything else in Demacia. Large, covered in white marble, makes your eyes bug out of your head, that sorta thing. Two ornately carved thrones (also marble, not bad) sat near the back, flanked by a helluva lotta guards. On the left sat King Jarvan the Third himself, his hands gripping the arms of his throne as he sat. He looks almost exactly like his son, except way older and with a greying beard. The other difference was his eyes. His were a dark brown, while his son's were a piercing blue, which he inherited from his mother, Queen Catherine. She sat on the right, as dignified and regal as a queen could be. She actually looked happy to see her son, unlike the King, who looked stiff and mopey, "like a proper king."

"Father." Jarvan greeted. "Mother." The second greeting was a bit warmer than the first.

"Prince Jarvan." The King replied. _Ugh,_ formal greetings. "I see that you have returned." He leaned forward in his throne. "I hear that you have brought us a new champion."

"Yes, Father." He bowed slightly. "May I introduce you to-"

" _Jarvan the Third!_ " My voice boomed as I strode towards the throne, Leona and Pantheon following. "I heard you wanted an audience with me!"

My axe was smoldering, my hair blazing, and my armor gleaming. Flanked by two Targonian warriors, I was a sight to see. The King looked startled, though his wife's expression was more obvious. I wasn't going to bow down like a good boy, no sir. I wanted to make it clear that I held a position of authority myself. And what better way to do that than a dramatic entrance?

* * *

If there is one word I'd use to describe dinner that night, I'd use "awkward." Well, it wasn't that, now that I think about it; more like "tense."

I actually didn't have to endure as much prying as I thought. Walking through the door like a badass had already made the impression I was hoping for. What was he going to do, inspect me to see if I was an adequate fighter? Had the giant axe and flaming hair not given a hint? It ended up just being formal greetings and a short chat after, nothing too serious. _Yet_. Queen Catherine was really nice, and I enjoyed talking to her. I was then taken on a tour of the palace, which ended up taking several hours, because it's a big-ass palace. It had all sorts of palacey stuff, and plenty of servants and attendants. I slightly disapproved of that, but until I discovered the working conditions I couldn't make a big deal out of it. It's stupid to overreact if the servants are actually happy, you know? Probably not, but hopefully they were treated okay.

Currently, I was in the dining hall, seated at a large rectangular table in the center. My friends and I were joined by the King, Queen, and just about every noble in Demacia. We just sat there awkwardly while we waited for the food. So...yeah, imagine how that went.

Finally, Lestara Buvelle, Sona's adoptive mother, decided to break the silence, much to my relief. "So, Mr. Delande." She said, towards the summoner seated across from her, Sona to his left. "I hear-"

"Um, it's _Dr._ Delande, actually." He interrupted. "But I apologize, please continue." Several people gave him appraising looks from their seats. I guess they knew that being a doctor was an achievement. Lestara herself looked impressed.

She cleared her throat. "Ah, yes. I hear that you've taken a liking to my daughter. Is this true?"

Ellis froze, both his and Sona's faces going red. "Uh..." He scratched his head nervously. "Yeah. We're, um...a thing."

"Really?" She looked back and forth between the two of them. "And for how long has this been occurring?"

"A few months." Sona replied quietly, suddenly becoming interested in the table's surface. I briefly started to freak out, thinking that her mother didn't know about her voice, but it turned out that I was wrong. Lestara didn't look even remotely fazed.

"And you never thought to send me a letter about the young man that provided you with a voice to call your own?" She asked. "Prince Jarvan had to notify me himself."

"Well..." Ellis looked embarrassed. "I was just...nervous. I didn't know if I should wait until we met in person, or..."

"It's quite alright." Lestara replied. "I merely hoped to thank you sooner. You seem like you care greatly for my daughter, so I won't come between you two."

Ellis looked shocked, relieved and grateful all at once. "Uh, thank you, Lady Buvelle. It means a lot."

She smiled. "Of course, if you break Sona's heart, I will have to personally beat you over the head with a spear."

The gratitude vanished. "...Okay." He nearly squeaked.

"Unless, of course, Sona beats you to it, Lady Buvelle." I suggested. Several of my friends laughed, Lestara joining in with a chuckle. Ellis mouthed a silent thank-you to me for getting the pressure off.

But, since it was me, I decided to completely butcher the moment with my next sentence.

"Speaking of relationships..." I said. "King Jarvan, I hear that you disapprove of your son's taste in women."

Silence. The king's hands clenched around the arms of his chair, the queen starting to look worried. "...I don't believe that is any of your concern, Helios." He said, fixing me with a piercing glare. Shyvana and Jarvan were attempting to send me signals to back off, but I was on a roll.

"Actually, it is." I replied almost lazily. Effect, and all that. "In fact, it's very personal in regards to me."

"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"Well, for one..." I shrugged. "You're not the one who gets to decide who my granddaughter can and cannot marry. That's my call."

What happened afterwards?

Oh, what you'd expect.

Gasps, exclamations of shock, drink-spitting, it was pretty entertaining. I almost broke character.

"The _halfling_...is your granddaughter." The King concluded. The Queen put a hand on his in a warning gesture. Wow, who could've guessed? Brilliant deduction, Your Lordship. I'm so impressed.

"Yep." I said. "I'm not even kidding. Oh, and what was that you just called Shyvana again? Wanna repeat that?"

Suddenly, the majestic monarch of Demacia didn't look so majestic. In fact, he looked like he was about to lose his temper. Bring it, bitch, let's see what you've got.

And yeah, I just called the King of Demacia a bitch. What? It was completely accurate!

(Jarvan, no offense, but you know it's true.)

"No comment?" I asked. "Really, none?"

"This is why you wish to join Demacia, isn't it?" He seethed. "To protect _her?_ Even considering what she _is?_ " Shyvana's head started steaming, hot air coming of her in drafts.

"What she is?" I replied. "What she _is,_ just so you know, is a remarkable woman, whom your son is very lucky to have in his life." I mimed my mouth having a zipper. "Zip it, pal. I'm not in the mood for your bullshit right now. Or ever, for that matter."

The effect was almost immediate. His face turned purple, eyes glowering.

"You _dare-_ " He started, but I held up a finger.

"I'm not done." I said. "You listen here, buddy, and you'd better listen well." My hair started to smolder, the air getting hotter by the second.

"Shyvana is in no way an abomination. I don't care _what_ you think, but I made humans and dragons biologically compatible for a reason. Shyvana's birth was completely natural, and as a grandparent, I won't tolerate you saying otherwise. She deserves the _utmost_ respect, and I'm very proud of her. You have _no_ right to treat her as you have, I don't care if you're a King or not. I was in charge of the whole _planet_ before you were even in diapers, and I sure as hell know what's right a lot better than you do. I remember you being a bit of a drooler as a toddler, by the way." Ahri slapped a hand over her mouth so she wouldn't laugh.

"Helios, please stop. This won't make anything better." Leona pleaded, but I shot her a look that basically said "Back down. I've got the floor right now."

"Anyways, my point still stands." I glowered. "Under _no_ circumstances are you to _ever_ mistreat my granddaughter again. If you do, so help me, I'll light your ass on fire until your buns are blistering. I don't care if you think that a union between your son and Shyvana will 'tarnish the royal bloodline.' There isn't even such a thing as 'royal blood,' genius. If I cut myself and you, then mixed our blood together in a cup, there would be no difference at all. And another thing: why the hell would you even protest to dragons' blood coursing through the veins of your descendants? That's a _good thing,_ you _moron._ Grow up. It's stupid for you to be making a fit over something so petty."

" _I WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED THIS WAY IN MY OWN KINGDOM!_ " The King bellowed, trembling with fury. I chuckled.

"Is that it?" I snorted. "You call that anger? You should've seen my rants at the moon. And just so you know..." I stood, leveling the blade of my axe at him from across the table. "There's not really much you can do about your son's relationship."

" _I AM THE KING OF DEMACIA, AND I ALONE WILL DECIDE THE FUTURE OF MY PEOPLE!_ " He was _so_ adorable, honestly. His temper was almost pathetic.

" _Ah-ah-ah._ " I tutted, shaking my head. "That's not how it works, remember? The father of the _woman_ getting married is who to ask for permission. Speaking of which..." I looked at Jarvan, who was watching in shocked silence, Shyvana doing the same, albeit with a few tears. I don't think anyone had ever talked smack to the King in her defense before.

"Jarvan, you're a good man." I said. "You've done nothing but show Shyvana kindness, love and respect, and I trust you completely. I couldn't ask for anyone better for my granddaughter to spend the rest of her life with. So..." I smiled. "From here on out, you have my permission to marry my granddaughter, any time, any day." My smile turned into a cheeky grin. "Hell, you could propose right now, and I'd be okay with it. I'll even be the priest for the ceremony myself, if all else fails. I'm qualified, after all."

"I..." Jarvan shook his head, stunned. "I'm stunned, Helios (See? Told you). When the day comes, I'll never let Shyvana go."

The lovely lady in question (Guess who inherited my stunningly dashing looks, as well?) mouthed a thank-you as tears came down, overwhelmed with emotion. How's _that_ for an additional late Snowdown present, ladies and gentlemen?

"You got that?" I shot a look towards Jarvan's father. "This is happening, whether you like it or not. And one more thing: if you haven't guessed already, even though I am siding with Demacia as well as Mount Targon, I am only working _with_ you, not _for_ you. Are we clear?"

Judging by his shocked, infuriated and downright hilarious silence, I assumed he got the picture.

"Oh, look, the food's here." Ahri murmured, as they brought it out. "Anyone hungry?"

What do you think?

* * *

Despite what you may think, everything actually turned out reasonably okay.

Jarvan the Third was pissed off at me, definitely, but the funny thing is that before he could deny my application, he had a bunch of urgent business to attend to, which would apparently last until a week after I left the city. Queen Catherine, in a surprisingly sneaky and bold move, went ahead and approved my application. While she wasn't one-hundred percent approving of my trashing of her husband, she did acknowledge that it needed to be said, and that she'd always supported her son's decision. At least _somebody_ was reasonable. She also approved Ellis, Ahri and Sona working on stuff together. Queen Catherine was slowly becoming my favorite old lady.

After that, I headed back to the Institute for a hot late-night date with my girlfriend, to celebrate me narrowly avoiding turning the situation to shit.

But that didn't mean nothing problematic happened. Oh no, once I got back, something _seriously_ problematic happened.

The day after, there was a knock at my door, and when I opened it, there stood Jericho Swain, in all of his creepiness.

"Oh, goody, it's you." I said. "What do you want?" Beatrice, Swain's raven, didn't take to my level of sass, and began squawking, before a gesture from the Noxian general quieted her down.

"Simply a chance to talk in private." He replied. "If you will entertain me."

"And if I say no?" I asked.

"Then I will try again tomorrow. And the day after, until you are willing to at least lend me an ear." Swain said.

I groaned. "Fine. Come on in."

"Not here." He said. "The Noxian meeting room will do."

Grumbling irritatingly, I followed, already regretting my decision. The meeting room for Noxus wasn't actually that much different from Demacia's. The only thing noticeably different was that a mahogany desk was placed near the back, probably a space for Swain to brood creepily. We weren't alone, too. All the other Noxian champions except for Riven (Exiled and all that) were there. Katarina, Talon, Cassiopeia, LeBlanc, Darius, Draven, Kled, Morgana, Mundo, Sion, Vladimir and Urgot were all present, making for rather unpleasant company, except for the Du Couteaus. They were cool.

You're beginning to see where this is going, aren't you?

"Now, then." Swain sat at the desk, leering (Ugh, creepy) at me from across. "Down to business."

I began to piece together what was going on, and I gave an unamused smirk.

"You can't be serious." I said. "Me, join _Noxus?_ Hell no, not in a million years."

"Helios, it's not as bad as it appears to be." Cassiopeia said. "You may find it to be more enjoyable than you think, if you agree to it."

"Is that so?" My eyes narrowed. "I'm no conqueror, Cassy, you should know that by now. I don't approve of Noxus's ideology, and I sure as hell don't agree with your military campaigns, either."

"If you speak of the invasion of Ionia, then speak no further." Darius sneered. "It is the strong that survive in this world. You would do well to remember that."

I chuckled darkly. "Right. Sure." I said. "You're forgetting that you're speaking to the creator of the world, Darius. I've seen the patterns of nature many times, and it's never been strength that allows one species to survive. And this is an awfully bold move, considering that I just joined Demacia yesterday."

"Yes, that is true, isn't it?" Swain replied. "A misguided decision, frankly."

"Yeah? Says who?" I snorted. "So far, I haven't regretted it."

"You will." He said. "If I'm not mistaken, you and Jarvan the Third had a rather heated argument, did you not?"

"That was because of Shyvana, my _granddaughter._ Forget that tiny little detail?" I shot back. "I'm not going to betray my family, Swain. Not now, not ever."

"And it's not just that, either." I pointed at LeBlanc. "There's also your affiliation with the Black Rose. I'd be crazy to agree to follow a guy who's a part of _that._ "

"The Black Rose has been disbanded for years." LeBlanc said, with an unconvincing (and totally evil) smirk. "Any rumors that it is still active are nothing more than that."

"Sure." I replied, deadpanning. "Like hell it is." I clasped my hands together on my lap from my chair. "I don't trust you, Swain. You're far too shifty for my liking. You've probably got all sorts of evil shit planned, haven't you?"

Swain narrowed his eyes. "I would recommend choosing your words more carefully, Helios. Despite what... _rumors_ may imply, I am in no way affiliated with the Black Rose, and frankly, I find that implication insulting." Beatrice squawked in agreement. "I can assure you, I am completely trustworthy."

"Tell that to Marcus Du Couteau." I replied.

Swain went rigid.

* * *

 _ **Whuh-oh.**_


	20. Katarina Gets Stabby (Kinda My Fault)

_**Shit's about to go down.**_

 _ **Shit's abou**_ **t to GO DOWN.**

 **SHIT. IS ABOUT. TO GO DOWN!**

 **What's up again, everybody, and as you may remember, things ended up taking a rather unexpected turn last chapter. So, I'm about to give a bit of a lore lesson for those that are confused as to who the hell Marcus Du Couteau is. For those of you who know very well who he is, just work with me, here. I'm trying to save LoL newcomers the trouble of digging through the lore. Anyways, for those of you who are new to League of Legends, Marcus Du Couteau is Katarina, Talon and Cassiopeia's father, and a former General of Noxus. I say "former" because he went missing a while ago in the lore. Just...poof. Gone. No trace. And, knowing Swain, well...honestly, what do you think happened? Just put two and two together. Anyways, I won't make my well-versed fans suffer any longer, but as a last thought, I'd like to ask who else more or less suspected it from the start? HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO!**

* * *

Swain hadn't been expecting that remark, from what I could see.

In fact, for what were some of the most extremely satisfying moments of my life, the Grand General of Noxus looked genuinely shocked. LeBlanc was too, along with several others. Just, y'know, the ones that actually knew what I was talking about. Even Beatrice looked unsettled. Looks like the "Master Tactician" had made a massive tactical error.

Never try to use wordplay against a guy who's seen just about everything.

I chuckled darkly. "Yeah, not so cocky now, are you, Swain?" I asked, fixing him with a grim smile.

Swain regained his composure, fixing me with thin slits for eyes. "I haven't the slightest idea as to what you are referring to."

"Is that right?" I chuckled again. "You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about, Swain. You _always_ know what's going on when it comes to stuff like this. When you say you _don't..._ " I pointed at him accusingly. "That's when you're lying."

The air was becoming charged with tension. If someone made the wrong move, things could quickly get out of hand. Not that they weren't already.

"Swain. What is he talking about?" Katarina asked from her place behind the desk, just a little ways to Swain's right, leaning against the wall. The mention of her father had made her eyes snap to attention, regarding the general with a fierce stare.

"Helios is simply making a rather insulting and poorly conceived accusation, Katarina." LeBlanc replied, giving me the death-glare. "It's nothing of significance. Isn't that right, Helios?"

"It doesn't _sound_ insignificant to _me._ " She replied. "Considering that I just heard my father's _name._ "

For once, the Deceiver didn't have an answer. Talon and Cassiopeia were watching too, and neither of them looked like they believed her.

"Wait, hold on." I raised both hands in a dramatic gesture. I was going to play this thing out the whole way, and I was going to enjoy every second of playing Swain like a fiddle.

"You...didn't _tell_ them?" I gestured to the three Du Couteaus. "Really? They don't know?"

Just to give a hint, everything I'm doing at this point is for dramatic effect.

I laughed incredulously, standing up and turning around, walking a few steps as I did so. "Oh, no _wonder_ they never left Noxus!" I turned again, this time facing everyone else. "Because if they did know, you would've been dead by now."

"Swain, _what is he talking about?_ " Katarina demanded. "He acts like you know something we don't."

"I must admit, I'm a little curious myself." Cassiopeia said, fixing him with a snake-like glare. Typical, right?

"Oh, does he _ever!"_ I said. "Swain, you want to explain this one, or should I do it?"

" _Cease your blabbering at once, or I will_ -" He started, but I'd already moved on. His reaction was enough.

"You'll _what?_ " I replied, getting right up in his face. "Go on, _say it._ What'll you do if I don't stop?"

He didn't reply. His black eyes with red irises were filled with cold, calculating fury. I could almost see the various plans being drawn up and discarded behind them, as Swain tried to think of ways to get out of this one. But for once, his silver tongue and sharp wit would do nothing to help him. Checkmate, boys and girls.

I chuckled. "That's what I thought." I pulled back from his face. "See, that's another thing about Noxus. You think that strength is everything, even though it can come from different places, but even so, it isn't necessarily strength. I mean, you're frail as shit, Swain, but your tactical genius was what made you Grand General."

I gave a small gesture towards the gathered champions. "You might _say_ it's only strength that matters, but without intelligence it's useless. Y'all are a buncha hypocrites." I paused. "Well, except for Morgana and the Du Couteaus. You guys are cool." They looked slightly appreciative of that statement; they were more focused on the little show that was playing out.

"Anyways, Swain, in reality, we both know that strength isn't power." I got up in his face again. " _Knowledge_ is power. Now, we both know the same amount in regards to what happened, what you _did,_ but since you didn't know that _I_ knew, that means that I know the most out of everyone here. And since I have all the knowledge, _I_ hold all the power."

I lazily examined a few of my fingernails. "Simmer down, bitch. You're in no position to make threats. Instead, what's gonna happen is that I am going to tell everyone what happened, and there's not a single thing you can do about it."

"So, let's begin, shall we?" I grinned, throwing myself down into my chair, putting my legs up on the desk.

"Can I ask you something, Swain?" I asked. "Wait, I don't need your permission, my bad." I hummed in thought, looking up as if I was trying to remember something. "Two years, three months, seventeen days, eight hours, twenty-nine minutes, and, oh..." I looked back at the clock on the wall. "Thirty-five seconds and counting." I smiled menacingly. "Does that date ring a bell to you?"

The general's disgustingly long fingernails clawed scratches into the desk, which really hurt my ears. I mean, really, he needed to get those clipped. Ain't nobody wanna listen to that.

"That was the night Marcus went missing, right?" I said. "Or, uh, _died,_ if you want to be more specific." All three Du Couteaus instantly let out a sharp intake of air.

"I mean, _wow,_ Swain. Three dozen Black Rose assassins, all for just one guy?" I whistled. "A bit excessive, but then again, he managed to kill them all, didn't he?"

"And yet, he died, without a trace of the body. But we both know why no one ever found it, don't we, Swain?" I asked. "It wasn't because it was disposed of, oh no." I shook my head. I leaned forward, a sinister expression on my face.

"The _real_ reason why everyone else thought he was missing..." Swain tensed, slowly tightening his grip on his cane. LeBlanc adjusted her hold on her scepter. Darius fingered the blade of his axe, while Vladimir brandished his finger claws (which were really weird). Urgot's blaster arm twitched. Sion clenched one fist. Draven gave one of his eager, sinister grins, that he typically wore at one of his executions.

Everyone was on edge. The moment was seconds away.

All it takes is just a simple phrase for everything to get messy.

"...was because by the time your ravens had finished eating him alive, there wasn't a single bone left." I finished.

That was when shit promptly decided to hit the fan.

* * *

Katarina was the first to act, hurling knives at Swain's throat from where she stood. Talon soon followed with a flurry of shuriken (knives, whatever he calls them). Cassiopeia finished the assault with a cloud of poison.

But despite their speed, Swain, as usual, had a contingency plan for that. When the attacks hit him, he shimmered and faded from view. LeBlanc must've replaced him with a duplicate when things were about to go south.

Sure enough, he reappeared behind Sion, then gestured to Draven with a nod of his head. The executioner sent an axe spinning towards Katarina, a whirling saw of death. She Shunpo'd behind it, before leaping at Swain with her blades drawn, screaming in rage.

She nearly made it, but Sion's arm latched around her throat, leaving her dangling in the air, gasping for breath. The Undead Juggernaut hurled her through the wall and into the outside hallway, following with his axe drawn. Urgot did the same to Talon, while Darius flung Cassiopeia by her tail. The other Noxian champions followed, Kled screaming in crazed ecstasy on Skaarl, leaving me and Morgana sitting awkwardly in the room.

"Well..." I said. "Aren't you going to help them fight?"

She shrugged. "It's not my fight. I don't care as much about Noxus as they do."

I sighed. "So, let me guess, I'm gonna have to step in before Katarina does something stupid and gets herself killed?"

"It looks that way." Morgana replied.

I sighed again. "Alright, might as well get it over with." I thrust my right hand out to one side. After a few seconds, my axe burst through the wall and into my open hand. There were going to be complaints about why an axe just randomly flew through the walls of several bedrooms, but I would worry about that later.

"Here's hoping that things haven't gone completely nuts by now." I muttered, picking my way through the hole in the wall.

* * *

" _YOU SON OF A BITCH! **I'LL KILL YOU!**_ " Katarina roared from outside.

Well, there goes _that_ idea. This was why I didn't tell her about her father. If the situation didn't downspiral into craziness, I would've.

I found Katarina, Talon and Cassiopeia trading blows with their former allies from all sides, Katarina focusing every other attack on Swain. She made another swipe at him, but Darius moved to intercept, swinging at her midsection with his axe, which was not nearly as coop as mine. She slid on her knees under it, before twisting around to face him.

" _Darius, what are you doing, you idiot?!_ " She yelled. " _He killed my father!_ "

"I know." He replied. This appeared to be the equivalent of a punch to the gut for Katarina, looking like she'd just been run through.

"You _knew?_ " She said, eyes gleaming with anger. "You _knew this whole time,_ _and you never told me?!_ "

"Marcus Du Couteau was weak." Darius sneered. "He was unfit to be a general, and reaped what he sowed. He deserved to die the way he did."

Katarina screamed in rage, hurling herself at the Hand of Noxus with blades swinging wildly. She was _pissed,_ to be sure.

Darius stumbled backwards, blocking blows with his axe, taken aback by her sudden assault. He grunted in pain as a blade slashed across his cheek, drawing blood. It didn't get any further than that, however, as blood suddenly flowed out of Katerina's body, flowing into a sphere in Vladimir's hand. She toppled to the ground, deathly pale. Talon was knocked to the ground by Sion, while a gas canister from Urgot incapacitated Cassiopeia.

"I should have done this years ago." Swain sneered from behind his collar. "You were always more trouble than you were worth, along with your wretched father."

Katarina snarled. "Go...to _hell."_ She spat.

Swain sighed. "Darius. Urgot. Sion. Kill them." He commanded. Strange, considering that they could be revived. But knowing Swain, he could probably find a way to make it permanent.

Darius and the others would've killed the three siblings had it not been for several things.

One:

" _HEY!_ " Three voices called out.

Two:

A fist thrown at the speed of light slammed into Vlad's face, effectively taking him out of the fight, while Sion was hurled away by the force of gravity. A burst of ki flung Darius away from Katarina. And an extremely muscular shoulder rammed into Urgot from behind.

Three:

Three people approaching the makeshift battleground, which was starting to attract the attention of the other summoners.

Me. Garen. And Riven.

"Is this a private fight?" I asked, gesturing to...everything. "Or can anyone join?"

"You all stay out of this!" Katarina snapped, clutching Garen's blue shirt as her blood returned to her. "This is _my_ fight." And what a fight it was, considering that most of us were wearing casual clothing.

"Like hell it is." I retorted. "You're outmanned, outmatched, and in desperate need of reinforcements, from what I can see."

"Katarina, please." Garen said. "Let us help."

She was silent for a minute, but after absorbing Garen's signature Poster Boy Baby Blues, she caved in. "Fine." She conceded. "Just don't get in my way."

"Wouldn't dream of it, Kat." I replied, before nodding at Riven. "Yo, Riven. What's up?"

"Helios. Hey." She greeted back. "Mind if I join in?" She sneered at Darius from where he stood, axe in hand. "I have to show _Grand General Swain_ how a _real_ Noxian fights."

"Traitor." Darius sneered.

"Who cares?" I asked. "She's got a big-ass sword! And that's all that matters."

"Um..." Riven sweat-dropped. "Thanks?"

"Welcome." I hefted my axe on my shoulder. "So, who wants a go, boys? Feeling lucky?"

This was gonna be _fun._

* * *

"Swain's _mine!_ "Katarina snarled, lunging at the Noxian general.

"I'll take Urgot." Garen rushed forward, sword drawn high.

"I have Darius and Draven. Helios, get Talon and Cassiopeia to safety, then take Sion." Riven instructed, charging forward.

"Hey, wait, _what?!_ " I called. "Why do _I_ get the super-zombie?!"

"Don't argue, just _do it!_ " Riven yelled, already engaging the two brothers.

"Yeah, yeah." I muttered. "Thanks, guys. Really feeling the love here." I then jogged over to the two downed Du Couteaus, gripping them by the backs of their collars. "Hang on, guys. We're about to go a little fast." I said. With a flash of light, I zipped them to the hospital at the speed of...well, you know. I quickly put both of them on hospital beds, fixing everything up for them (and even mixing them some hot cocoa, because I had time. Light-speed has its perks) and dashing back.

Surprisingly, even though I'd technically been gone for only eight seconds, other champions had already joined the fight. Azir and LeBlanc were duking it out, while Poppy and Kled went hammer-to-axe-to-chicken lizard. Draven was now fighting Sarah Fortune (she and Riven were arcade bros and all that), while Vi repeatedly punched Mundo in the face. I strongly suspected she was just helping as an excuse to fight somebody.

And there was Mr. Undead Ass himself, looking at me like he wanted to rip me in half, which he most likely did.

"So." I lazily kicked up a bit of dust, axe on one shoulder. "Word is that you zombies can't feel pain." I leveled the blade at Sion's chest.

"I may not be dressed for this, but if it's alright with you, I'd like to test that theory."

* * *

Turns out, that theory is completely and utterly true.

No matter how many times I sliced my axe through his decaying skin, no matter how many plasma bolts I threw, Sion never felt a thing. He just kept coming. His axe had been enchanted, too, so mine couldn't break it.

Then things started getting a little rowdy. After _finally_ getting tired of being axed with no effect, Sion elected to charge at me like a rampaging bull. Seriously, just give him horns, slap on a nose-ring and call him Alistar for all I care.

"Unstoppable force meets immovable object, huh?" I asked, squaring my knees and bracing myself. "Let's see what happens, shall we?"

You would probably think Sion would bounce off me and careen into a nearby wall. Well, that's pretty much what _didn't_ happen. You see, since Sion's undead, he can't feel pain. Not only that, but since his muscles are technically dead, he can't feel fatigue or exertion. Meaning, if he wanted to, say, pick up a building, then his muscles wouldn't scream at him to stop after trying, which means that he would keep applying force until he succeeded. It's really bizarre, but hey, that's magic for you. It does all sorts of freaky shit.

So, instead of hopelessly failing, Sion forced me back at roughly the speed of a freight train, my feet digging trenches into the floor as we moved. He didn't even stop once we reached the end of the hallway. We both just went straight through the wall, passing several rooms. I lost my axe somewhere near the hot springs (don't ask). We finally stopped in the recreation room, where I flew into a pool table, causing it to fall on one side.

"Ow..." I groaned. "Damn, that actually hurt." I shook off the black spots across my vision, just barely making out Sion's axe cleaving straight down towards my head. I zipped away with light speed, dancing around behind him while he attempted to pull it out of the wood. Looking around for suitable weapons, my gaze landed on several other pool tables, namely the balls and cue sticks. I grinned. I instantly flashed to one, gripping a cue in both hands while leaning over the table.

"Hey, Sion!" I called, aiming at a ball with my cue stick. "Up for a game?"

Not waiting for his answer (because it would most likely _not_ involve pool), I began firing off balls at super-speed, all of them hitting Sion like bullets. Most of them just left nasty bruises, but a few actually punctured the skin and just stuck there. It was kinda gross, but because Sion didn't bleed it wasn't that bad. I rapidly fired off balls from multiple tables, before moving to the table tennis paddles. Weirdly enough, they just splintered against his head. Rumor confirmed: Sion has an incredibly thick head, both literally and figuratively.

Then, once I'd exhausted my resources, including the glasses at the bar, I moved to the pool cues. With a little bit of friction, I sharpened them into spears, then shoved them into Sion in different areas. Despite looking like a sea urchin at the bar by this point, Sion was still standing.

"Oh, _come on!_ " I complained. "Who's idea was it to make this guy unkillable?"

As a reply, I was rammed through the wall again. This was going to be a bit of a them for the next few minutes, you'll see.

When we stopped again, I was in the food court's main kitchen. Going with the flow, the first thing I did was arm myself with a pineapple. Why a pineapple was just lying around in the kitchen, I don't know, but despite my confusion, I ran up to Sion, leapt high, and said-

" _EAT MY FRUITY WRATH!_ " I yelled, smashing it into his face. It actually got him to stumble, which gave me the opening I needed. Even though he couldn't feel pain, he could still stumble from the impact. Taking advantage of the split second I had, I promptly grabbed him and shoved his face into an open microwave. Setting it to five minutes, I let it run, looking for other weapons. Why a microwave? I dunno, I guess I was hoping that his face would get cancer or something.

Deciding a frying pan would be good enough, I elected to smack his ass with it. Much to my surprise, it had no effect.

He finally pulled his face out of the microwave, smashing it in two with his axe. His face was blistery and red, so I guess I did something right. I smacked his face with the frying pan when he turned around. It had some effect, but crumpled against his skull. I reached behind me as he advanced, and whipped out the first weapon my hand found.

"AH _-HA!_ " I shouted, but then discovered my weapon was a baguette.

"Uh..." I sweat-dropped. "Well, Fiora's lunch isn't really my idea of a weapon, but what the hell, I'll take it."

I swatted at Sion with it. Strangely enough, bread doesn't do much to zombies.

I was then rammed through the wall for the third time. This time, we wound up in the arcade. I raced toward the nearest machine, which was one of those shooters with gun controllers, and pulled the controller off the chord.

"Pew-pew-pew! Pew-pew-pewpewpew!" I pulled the trigger several times, but nothing happened.

We both stood there awkwardly. I sighed. "Just get it over with. Save us both the embarrassment."

The fourth time around, we entered the basketball court. I ripped a hoop of the pole and slammed it over Sion's head, which resulted in him having a very fashionable basketball-hoop necklace.

The fifth time, we were in the botanical gardens.

Having zero idea what to use, I frantically searched around until my eyes landed upon a cactus.

Taking said cactus, I shoved it up his anus.

Yep.

That's what I said.

Now, it doesn't matter if you're an undead zombie or not, there is no way in hell that you will _not_ feel a cactus up your asshole. I think Sion actually felt that one. Talk about a stick up the ass, am I right? ...Bad pun, sorry.

The sixth and final time, I crashed into the Institute's indoor pool, which completely ruined my clothes. They were going to shrink in the wash, I just knew it. Sion fell right on top of me, both hands gripping my throat and blocking my airways. Even though I was now choking to death, at the very least, since Sion now looked like a sea urchin, he was in the water where he belonged.

I attempted to pry myself free, but Sion had an iron grip. I thrashed and struggled under the water, my lungs slowly starting to burn as I lost oxygen. Great. I was gonna drown. And all because I couldn't resist taking a potshot at Swain. Someone had to do it. It wasn't like anyone noteworthy had known about Marcus.

In one last bid for freedom, I tried to light a fire. I know, it was a stupid idea, but logic doesn't really help when it comes to a desperate situation. Remarkably, even though there weren't any flames, the water frothed and bubbled around my open hand, and I could feel the heat coming off. Feeling a surge of confidence, I positioned myself so that I was under Sion, put both hands on his chest, and pushed.

A jet of steaming, frothing water pushed Sion off me, out of the water and onto the tile floor beside it. I kicked upwards, gasping as I broke the surface. I swam to the tile floor, heaving myself out and flopping down, exhausted.

Then a giant hand one again clamped itself around my throat. "You've...gotta be...kidding me." I managed to wheeze, swatting at Sion's hands. Suffocating wasn't much better than drowning. If I survived this, I was going to petition the afterlife for better ways of getting in.

But just when my vision started to go black, the grip on my throat released, and I sucked in as much air as I could. Odd. Had Sion suddenly gotten cold feet? I couldn't blame him. Sure, I was probably going to revive afterwards (couldn't be sure if Swain had messed with the hospital or not), but several people would throw a fit if it happened, namely Shyvana. And Raka. Sion already had a cactus up his anus. I doubt he'd enjoy bananas to fill in the cracks.

However, cold feet wasn't his problem. Instead, it was actually nature. I looked up to see him covered with all manner of flora, vines and thorns encircling his limbs while grass and flowers sprouted on his torso. He thrashed hopelessly, before his face was enveloped by vegetation.

I looked down, and found that plants were also around _my_ hands, but instead of covering me, they were actually coming from my open palms. I could apparently make plants grow from wherever the heck I wanted. Neat. It made sense, to a certain degree. Sunlight was a valuable resource for plants, after all. My fingertips were even glowing gold where they touched the ground. To test this power further, I dipped my hands in the water. Glowing gold-green spores drifted from my fingers to the bottom of the pool. As soon as they touched the bottom, seaweed, kelp and other ocean vegetation popped up, until the pool looked like a coral reef.

"It's been a while since I got something new." I remarked, turning back to Sion, whose body was now rooted to the floor. Flower Power, bitches! "Came in handy, I guess. Now I just gotta drag this ugly mug back to everybody else..."

* * *

And so, sopping wet, clothes torn and ripped, dragging a plantified Sion behind me, with pool cues, balls, a basketball hoop necklace, a face that was most likely gonna get skin cancer, and a cactus up his anus, I slowly made my way back, panting.

Upon reaching the hallway where I started, I found that things had calmed down, more or less. Garen literally had to hold Katarina by her leather jacket so she wouldn't tear Swain limb from limb, although he looked like if anything, he'd be all to willing to help her. Kolminye was on the scene, and was giving Swain a firm scolding.

"There will be consequences for this, Jericho." She reprimanded. "Murder does not go unpunished here."

Swain chuckled. "Are you threatening the _Grand General of Noxus?_ " He asked, Beatrice squawking menacingly. "There will be _no_ consequences for this. Unless, of course..." He leaned down into her face. "You wish for a war with Noxus, High Councilor."

Kolminye didn't have an answer for that. Swain wasn't kidding. Human life was easily expendable to him, after all. He wouldn't care if thousands died, so long as Noxus won.

"Grandpa!" Shyvana called, running over, Raka following. I threw Sion down at my feet, panting.

"This...is why...I don't get the super-zombie." I panted, letting Shyvana wrap me in a hug. "Could I get some heat, please? I'm really tired."

Shyvana's body began to steam, and I sighed blissfully as my clothes dried. "Thanks." I said. "I really needed that."

I pulled away as Raka came up, and promptly slapped me in the face.

"You idiot!" She barked. "What were you thinking?! You could've gotten yourself killed!"

"What're you talking about? I was _fine!_ " I complained. "I kicked his ass, didn't I?"

"Yes, but your clothes are ruined, and you look like you nearly drowned!" Raka replied. Being a healer, she could apparently notice that sorta thing. Nifty. "Next time you get into a fight, you had _better_ bring me along, do you understand me?"

"Yeah, okay." I replied. I smirked. "Am I going to have to deal with this every time I get into a tussle?"

"Absolutely." Raka said, pulling me into a kiss. I growled approvingly, one hand moving around her waist. We started to get into it, but Shyvana interrupted.

"Ahem." She gestured to everyone else, who was watching. "How long has this been going on, exactly?"

"...A while." I said sheepishly. "And what are the rest of you looking at, huh?!" I shouted. "We've got another issue to take care of, here!"

Kolminye shook of her stare. "Right." She sighed. "Garen, would you please take Katarina to her dorm in the Noxian wing? I must sort things out with the _Grand General._ " She shot a glare in Swain's direction.

"No one is taking me _anywhere_ near the Noxian wing." Katarina growled. "I'm done with it. Never again."

Swain's eyes narrowed. "And what, exactly, does that mean?"

"It _means,_ you _asshole_ ," She snapped. "that never again will a Du Couteau fight for Noxus." She glared. "I quit."

Silence.

Oh.

Hell.

 _Naw._

Well, hell _yes,_ but I don't think anyone was expecting _that._

"You...quit?" Kolminye asked. Didn't she just get the message?

Katarina laughed humorlessly. "Consider me and Talon independent, High Councilor." She turned away. "Noxus can tear itself apart for all I care. I'm done. _We_ are done."

She made it a few steps towards the open doorway before her knees buckled, and she dropped to the ground. Several of us cried out in alarm, but Garen was there first. He let her grip his shirt as she sobbed, drenching the fabric with her tears. In Noxus, people would've seen that as weakness, but then again, she wasn't Noxian anymore.

"I've got you." Garen said quietly, holding her tight. "I've got you."

* * *

Later that day, Katarina, Talon and Cassiopeia formally renounced their allegiance to Noxus. It was one of the biggest upsets in the history of the League of Legends. The three made one last visit to their Noxian dorms to gather their belongings, before moving to new accommodations. Katarina and Talon were given rooms in the Independent wing. Hopefully they would be at home. There were plenty of people and Yordles to talk to, but neither of them were probably in the mood for making friends. Cassiopeia moved in with the Shurimans, now officially a loyal ally of Azir. She ended up being placed right next to Sivir, but strangely, they didn't mind.

Oh, and I forgot one last thing: Riven joined Katarina and Talon in the Independent wing. Swain killing Marcus Du Couteau was the last straw for the Exile, apparently. Swain had just lost three (technically four) of his best champions. The salt was strong with that one, let me tell you. The news had already reached Noxus, but the circumstances were kept hidden. The last thing Swain needed was the Noxian citizens overthrowing him. Of course, it was the first thing everyone else needed.

But that wasn't the end of it. Well, it technically was, but it wasn't the end of my problems.

That night, after dealing with a whole day of drama, I came home to my room to find an unexpected visitor standing at my window, patiently waiting for me. Her dark hair flowed down her shoulders, and she had the look of someone who knew everything, and could tell you everything. Confused? I don't blame you. She wore a dress that was marked with runes, spelling out words like "Destiny" and "Sight." She had a bit of a theme, if you hadn't guessed already.

"Eminita?" I closed the door. "I wasn't expecting you of all people to stop by."

"Lord Helios." She gave a curt nod. "It's been a few years."

(AN: This is an OC requested by a fan, GrezzWizard. I thought it over, and the idea was too intriguing to ignore, so I went for it and worked her into the story. GrezzWizard, if you're reading this, congrats, buddy, I hope you're happy!)

"Yeah, but you were busy, I get it." I moved to my pantry, looking for the piña colada bottle I'd been saving. Turns out, I have a taste for fruity alcoholic drinks. "So, to what do I owe the Goddess of Luck and Fate the pleasure of this visit?" I paused as a thought came to mind. "I swear, if it's to tell me what I'm getting for my birthday again..." I turned around, pointing a finger at her accusingly.

Eminita chuckled. "Fortunately, no, not this time." I sighed in relief. Eminita could see the future, and surprisingly, a rather immature sense of humor. She couldn't resist spoiling my birthday presents every year. One time, back when I was a star, I had to completely feign surprise after a pod of blue whales put on a concert for me, along with a bit of breaching action.

"Alright, so are you just here to say hi?" I guzzled my drink in one go. I also can't get drunk. I'm immune to the burn of alcohol. Totally cliché? Yep. Fun at parties? Definitely. "Because I've gotta hit the hay in a bit."

Eminita's demeanor turned serious. The kind of serious when a bad omen had appeared. "There's a storm coming, my Lord." She said.

I snorted. "So? Janna makes storms all the time." I walked over to the kitchen sink, rinsing out the bottle. "I mean, really, Eminita, a weather forecast?" I placed the bottle in the dishwasher. "Are you getting _sloppy?_ "

"I'm serious, Helios." I stopped. She was big on formalities, but she used my first name when the situation was dire. The Rune Wars would be one example. The murder of Marcus Du Couteau was another.

I sighed, straightening up and turning back to her. "A storm, you say?" I leaned against the counter behind me. "What kind of storm are we talking about, here?" I asked.

"The kind that brings pain. And suffering." She replied.

"When?" I asked.

"Sooner than you may think." Eminita said. I sighed. Revealing too much of the future was a big no-no, so Eminita often had to be cryptic when making predictions.

"Will people die?" I asked.

"Many." Eminita replied. I sighed, combing my hands through my hair. This was _not_ what I needed to hear, especially after what had just gone down with Swain.

"I'll handle it." I said. "I'll get the Star Guardians up and running, and we'll take care of it."

"It won't be enough." She replied. "This is bigger than anything you've ever faced, Helios. It's been festering and growing in strength for many years. It will take nothing short of an army to defeat it."

"I'm sure." I deadpanned. "You _do_ know where we are, right?" I made a sweeping gesture around me. "The Institute of War, home to the greatest warriors on the goddamn _planet?_ " I chuckled. "You don't have to worry, Eminita. Whatever comes or way, we can deal with it."

"Helios, _please._ " Eminita pleaded. "I need you to take this seriously. You need to prepare. If you don't, the consequences will be catastrophic."

"Eminita." I made a zip-it gesture. "Chill. We'll be fine. For gods' sake, I'm pretty much friends with _Syndra._ We can take it. Just..." I sighed, rubbing my temples. "Look, if you really think that this is a big deal, I can keep an eye out. If I see any signs of what's coming, I'll make the necessary preparations. Until then, I'd rather not worry about it. We've already got Swain threatening war, I have enough to handle."

Eminita looked like she wanted to protest, but just sighed and nodded. "I suppose that's the best I can hope for." She turned around. "Farewell, Lord Helios. I wish you luck with the looming threat."

I chuckled. "Was that a pun?" I shook my head, amused. "I'll tell Nasus you said hello."

I briefly turned away to fiddle with the dishwasher, turning it on. I didn't see Eminita's reaction, but she was probably flustered. When I looked back, she was gone.

I sighed, before walking back up the stairs to my bed. "I swear, as _soon_ as things start looking up..." I muttered. "If I'd known this was coming, I would've just kept my trap shut about Marcus. Would've given everyone less of a migraine..."

* * *

I knocked on the door to Katerina's new room, Raka just behind me. It was the day after the Du Couteau Disaster, as some lower-tier summoners had dubbed it, and I'd decided to check in on Katarina to see how she was doing. I was the one who unveiled the truth about her father, after all. It was my responsibility to at least try to be there for her as a friend.

Surprisingly, it was Jarvan who opened the door. "Hey." I greeted. "How is she?"

"She's...better." He replied. "She isn't using Death Lotus without aiming anymore, so I suppose that's an improvement."

"Oh, was that why the hallway was covered in knives yesterday?" I grunted. "Huh. Remind me never to get on _her_ bad side."

"I can _hear_ you, you know!" Katarina called. "Why don't you stop talking about me like I'm not here and just get your ass through the door already?"

Raka and I walked through as Jarvan made space for us. Katarina was seated at her kitchen table, one hand lying lazily on the table while the other was on her forehead, elbow propped up on the wood. Garen stood behind her, gently kneading her shoulders. It wasn't doing much to comfort her, but she appeared to at least appreciate the concern. She was wearing a black shirt and grey cotton shorts, probably what she wore to bed. She looked like she hadn't slept much; her eyes were red, and she didn't seem to be looking at anything in particular. In fact, almost everyone was in their sleepwear, except for Riven. Precautions, and all that.

"You look terrible." I commented. "Rough night?"

"Thanks. I _feel_ terrible." Katarina mumbled. "I only slept for three hours last night." She yawned. "Garen, could you fetch me another coffee?"

"Of course." Garen replied, fetching a mug and prepping the coffee machine. Along with who I already mentioned, Shyvana, Ellis and Sona were present. Shyvana appeared to have been going through a few mugs of hot chocolate, judging by her thin choco-stache (I chuckled a bit at that), and Sona was playing a soft tune on her ethwal, Ellis lounging in a recliner next to her. Riven was standing in the corner, arms crossed with her sword propped against her hip. The room itself was pretty empty. Boxes were stacked in one corner, meaning Katarina hadn't unpacked yet. It even had that new-room smell.

"So, I get why Jarvan and Shy are here," I said, seating myself across from the former Noxian. "But how come Ellis and Sona are present?" I pointed my thumb at the two of them.

Ellis shrugged. "I'm a doctor. I've served as a psychiatrist for some people, so I came over to see if I could offer any help." Not only was he a doctor, but Kolminye had given him the job of Repair and Defense Specialist for the Institute. He'd already been given a boatload of work to do, but he seemed to be enjoying it.

"I'm keeping Katarina in a relatively calm state, at the moment." Sona followed up. "If not for my music, she would be far more distressed than she is now."

"Nice to see you all think I can handle myself." Katarina said irritatingly.

"Katarina, no one is questioning your level of strength." Garen said. "You are by far one of the strongest women I have ever met. However, you've just discovered that your father was murdered, and that isn't something that anyone can handle alone."

Katarina sighed. "I know." She said. "It's just...I hate feeling useless. I can't do anything right now, and I feel like I'm being coddled."

"At least you've _been_ coddled." I remarked. "Instead of nursing me all the way back to full health when I landed in Kumungu, Nidalee decided that _beating_ my health into me was the way to go."

That managed to get a small laugh out of her. "I can already imagine you being mauled by a cougar."

"Dear gods, _please_ don't remind me of that." I shuddered. She laughed again.

"What's the situation so far with Swain?" Raka asked, sitting on my right.

Garen sighed. "It isn't good. He's genuinely threatening war as the penalty for losing the Du Couteaus' allegiance, and the High Councilor can't do very much. Regardless of how much authority she holds, Swain _is_ Grand General. It's very hard to force punishments on the ruler of an entire kingdom."

"Son of a bitch." I snarled. "Really? No one can do _anything?_ "

"It looks that way." Shyvana replied. "Swain possesses complete political immunity at the moment."

"Damn." I grimaced. "Hey, where are Cassy and Talon, anyways? Shouldn't they be here?"

"Cassy's working on a few things with Azir, and Talon's off to gods-know-where." Katarina sighed. "They both have to deal with this in their own way, I guess."

"So, what now?" I asked. "Are we just supposed to move on with our lives, like nothing ever happened?" Great, not only was Swain coming away from this scot-free, but I also had to deal with Eminita's prediction. What had she meant when she said I would need an army? What was coming that was so bad? I'd already decided not to tell the others. I had to be sure of the coming threat before I went announcing the end of the world to everybody. Besides, a possible war with Noxus was the more pressing concern.

"Not exactly." Riven said. "We already have an immediate course of action."

"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow. "What's that?"

"Well..." Katarina glanced at Jarvan for a moment. "Cassy's already elected to just stay with Shurima, but me, Talon and Riven talked about it yesterday, and..." She sucked in a breath, like this was going to be hard for her to say. "I've asked Jarvan if Demacia has room for three more."

"Say _what?_ "

* * *

 _ **Ya dun goofed, Swain. Ya dun goofed.**_


	21. I Get Bored - Luckily, a War Starts

**_So, we're back again, nothing new, so what's up, guys and gals, FicfansEverywhere here bringing you a new chapter! Last time on Dragon Ba- I mean, The Dawn Has Arrived, Helios shoved a cactus up Sion's anus. ...What? Was I missing something else? Oh, right, and Katarina, Talon, Cassiopeia and Riven promptly gave Swain the Finger and ditched Noxus. Cassy went to Shurima, while the others went in favor of Demacia. No doubt that Swain's going to be salty about THAT. And the worst part is that he can't complain, because it was totally his fault that it happened. Well, worst for HIM, but for us, it's a blessing from the heavens. So, frankly, this chapter will have..._**

 ** _Uh..._**

 ** _...Well, I honestly don't know where I'mma go with this. I will just let my writer's instinct guide me along the plotline. I guess I've got an inkling of an idea, so how about we just see where this goes, hmm? Also, if any of you are wondering why Riven didn't go to Ionia, well...I forgot to consider that as an option. :P I dunno what to tell you, sometimes things just slip your mind, which is a shame, because Riven x Yasuo, for those of you who were wondering, is a ship in this. But, then again, while Yasuo's forgiven her, it's not like all the other Ionians have. Now, join me as we blindly walk into the next chapter! Also, we just hit one hundred reviews! Triple digits, baby!_**

* * *

"So, how'd it go?" I asked the three former Noxians as they walked into the recreation room, which, a few days after I completely trashed it, had been repaired. Leather sofas now lined the center, and a _huge_ HD flat-screen TV had been placed in front. The pool tables and everything else had been replaced, and the bar had been expanded. I guess the League wanted to take advantage of the destruction and improve a little. There were even a few game consoles underneath the TV. Sweet. I myself was lounging on a recliner with a soda, idly flipping through the channels.

"Our applications were accepted by the Queen." Katarina shrugged, plopping herself down on a sofa. "I was expecting Jarvan the Third, but apparently he had business to attend to."

"Still?" I raised an eyebrow. "Really? I thought he'd be done by now." I shrugged, refocusing my attention on the screen. Camille and Lee Sin were having a Leg Fight on the Twisted Treeline, and there was no way in hell that I was missing the possible answer to one of my most curious questions. "He might just still be mad at me for trashing him when I went to apply."

"Why exactly did you do that again?" Talon asked, taking a spot next to his sister. He wasn't wearing his typical cloak, but as the next best thing a hoodie covered his head.

"It was mainly because he had an unpleasant opinion of Shyvana." I replied. "Hell, I even gave Jarvan permission to marry her at anytime, right then and there."

"And you think the King will just be okay with it?" Riven asked.

"There isn't much he can do otherwise." I said. "After all, what's a king to a god?"

"I thought you were an almost-god." Katarina drily replied.

"Details." I watched Camille repeatedly mock Lee Sin, before being drop-kicked in the face. "I gotta go after this match is done, so you three can just take the remote when I leave."

"Why?" Katarina frowned. "What's so important?"

For a brief millisecond, my face flashed with concern. Eminita's warning had been eating me up for days, and I'd been losing precious beauty-sleep worrying. This is the problem with visions of the future. They can make you go nuts, and if you don't like what's coming, well, too bad. Trying to prevent the future usually winds up with said future happening _because_ you tried to prevent it. Gods, I hate movies that involve stuff like this. You can't change the future; you can only change who's responsible for it.

"Just have to take care of a few things." I replied, standing up and handing Katarina the remote. "I should probably deal with them now; just hit Record so I don't miss anything."

As I left the room, I began to hear furniture being thrown around. Not two seconds after I'd left had the three of them started fighting over the remote. Kids.

* * *

And so, that was how I wound up high in a tree outside the Institute, checking it over with a pair of binoculars. Eminita wanted me to be prepared? Fine. I would be prepared.

What? What's the problem with binoculars? Lots of spies use them! ...I think.

I was even humming a bit of secret agent music to myself while I was perched on a branch, hidden by foliage. I wasn't getting bored; there was a ton of hectic stuff going on at the moment. The problem was figuring out what to focus on.

Mordekaiser and Azir, strangely enough, arguing about whether hot dogs were better than fried chicken. I decided to pass _that_ one over.

Caitlyn had gotten crazy drunk, and was currently over-exaggerating her accent and the stereotypes that followed through the bar's window. She was twerking on a table, shouting "Pip-Pip" and "Cheerio" and all that, followed by a "Tally-ho!" when she attempted to jump off the table and crowd-surf, except that there was no crowd. Vi wasn't even trying to stop her; she just filmed the whole thing.

Jinx had just stolen Thresh's Pop-Tarts. Thresh hated it when that happened. He was a bit of a wackjob, so don't be surprised as to why he loved Pop-Tarts. He repeatedly went after Jinx, screaming " _GIVE ME BACK MY STRAWBERRIES!_ " while Jinx did no such thing.

Weird things happen when people think I'm not paying attention.

Karthus was attempting to serenade a flock of geese. Enough said.

Sejuani was feeding Bristle bacon bits. I can't even _begin_ to describe how wrong that was. Bristle clearly had no idea, and Sejuani looked like she was loving it.

Draven was slapping stickers that looked like his face on everything, but it ended when he accidentally put one on Hecarim's horse-butt. Boy, _that_ was fun to see.

Viktor was attempting to robotocize a carrot. I had no idea what he was hoping to achieve with that.

Renekton was fishing for Nami in the Institute's indoor pool, while Diana and Warwick were talking.

Wukong was going apeshit bananas because he was out of banana-fudge sundaes, while Tryndamere and Braum were having a flex-off. Ashe was drooling at her husband the entire time.

Wait, hold on, back up a second, _what?!_

I looked back at the previous events. _No,_ not the flex-off (although Raka probably wouldn't mind if I tried it myself, hue hue hue), the other thing!

Diana and Warwick were ominously talking in a hidden corner of the Institute. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but knowing those two, it couldn't be good. Especially with Warwick involved, that son of a bitch. I was going to carpet his bedroom floor with Legos the first chance I got.

(AN: Of course Legos exist here. Legos are multiversal. No universe will ever escape their glory.)

I mean, if anything said _suspicious,_ it was my two _least_ favorite champions talking when they didn't even have a reason to...that I knew of. It would probably be a good idea to get closer, listen in.

"Psst, what are you looking at?" Lux whispered next to me.

"Oh, just Warwick and Diana talking, which I find kinda suspicious- _WHAT THE HELL?!_ " I exclaimed, dropping the binoculars. They broke on the ground, which was bad, because I'd swiped those binoculars from Ezreal's room. "When did _you_ get here?!"

"I've been here the whole time." She giggled. "I just refracted light around myself so that you wouldn't see me."

"Why?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I don't know, I guess it was just funny to watch you look at everyone through those binoculars." She scooted a little closer to me on the branch. "What are you looking for, anyways?"

"Uh...nothing in particular." I lied.

"Liar." Lux narrowed her eyes. Damn it, I forgot that she was a spy. "Come on, what is it?"

"It's..." I sighed. "I got a call from a friend the other day, saying that something bad was coming. A 'storm,' and all that. So, I've been keeping tabs on people for a bit."

"And you haven't told anyone?" Lux raised an eyebrow.

"Are you kidding? After what happened with Swain a few days ago?" I huffed, before looking back out at the Institute. "I'll tell them eventually, but right now, we've got enough to worry about. Can you keep this a secret?" I asked. "I'd rather not have to deal with widespread panic at the moment."

Lux thought about it for a second. "Alright." She said. "On one condition."

"Name it." I replied.

"I get to tell my Star Guardian friends about this." She said.

"Really? That's it?" I asked. "I was kinda planning on telling them anyways. They're my honor guard, after all."

Lux nodded, appearing to accept my answer, before suddenly freaking out. "Wait, _what?!_ "

"Oh..." I sweat-dropped. "Right. I never told you. Um, you see..." I scratched the back of my head. "A while ago, way before I ever came down to Runeterra, I pretty much infused the five of you with some of my power when you weren't looking, in response to the growing presence of the Void in Valoran." I shrugged. "You're basically my honor-guard, except you guard Runeterra, not me."

"Wait, so let me get this straight." Lux said. " _You're_ the reason we have to wear those skimpy outfits?! I don't even _like_ glitter!"

"Well, I'm a _star,_ not a _fashion designer,_ so _excuse me_ if my experiment didn't go the way I planned!" I retorted. "It wasn't like I had experience with magically infusing people before!"

She then proceeded to swat me off the tree branch. I landed on my face. It hurt a lot.

* * *

Later that day, I got a call on my phone.

"Helios." It was Aurelion.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm missing a bit of my hair."

I promptly ended the call. I couldn't be bothered.

Afterwards, I decided to find something to get my mind off of things. Lux had agreed to keep an eye out, and I had no doubt that she'd do an exceptional job. Lux was one of the best spies in Demacia, and she'd even infiltrated Noxus a few times to swipe valuable information. Besides, with Janna, Lulu, Poppy and Jinx also helping her (though I was pretty sure Jinx was still occupied with Thresh's Pop-Tarts), there was no way that Eminita's so-called "storm" would hit me by surprise.

The sound of music eventually caught my attention. It was coming from the Institute's radio station, which technically belonged to Draven, but was used by other champions when they wanted to try their hand at various instruments. Turns out, Kha'Zix is exceptional at the piccolo.

...I'm _kidding._ I really have no idea what a piccolo is.

I found Ahri, Sona and Ellis in the recording section, Ellis working the various gadgets and doodads. Ahri and Sona were in two separate rooms, which were visible through glass windows. Ahri was in her Pop Star Skin, singing into a microphone with headphones on, while Sona was plucking away at her ethwal at a quicker pace than normal.

"Hey." Ellis didn't even look up from what he was doing. "You looking for something?"

"Not really." I replied to my summoner, shrugging. "I'm just bored. Katarina, Talon and Riven got their applications accepted, so now I'm just trying to figure out how to keep myself occupied." I slumped into a chair next to him. "Really, things just kinda...slowed down, all of a sudden." The only thing that was of any interest at the moment was what Diana and Warwick were talking about, along with Swain briefly leaving the Institute, taking the remaining Noxian champions with him. I had no idea why he'd just suddenly up and left; hell, nobody did. He'd just left without a word. The High Councilor told me that he was just heading back to Noxus to deal with some business, but I found that extremely odd. Then again, some of his best champions ditched him, so he was most likely going to create some half-assed excuse as top why that had actually happened. Kolminye had actually allowed it, so long as he swore to never again do something as despicable as murder Marcus Du Couteau. That was how she phrased it, anyways.

"Well, if you're bored, you could always listen to what we're working on." Ellis nodded toward the room's other occupants.

"Finally getting to work on that album you've been talking about?" I asked.

"Yep." He replied. "Things are kind of tense at the moment, and right now there isn't much anybody can do, so we figured we might as well get started."

"How far have you gotten?" I asked.

"Oh, just three songs." Ellis answered. "They're pretty good, though. I think that a lot of people will enjoy them once they hit the radio. Wanna hear?"

I shrugged. "I've got nothing better to do, so what the hell, why not?"

"Alright, then." He motioned for Ahri and Sona to stop, while he fetched a pair of headphones from a spot on the table. "Why...don't you try...listening to _this._ " He murmured, fixing a chord to the headphones and handing them over. "We kinda branched out a bit and decided to try a bit of island-music. You know, ukuleles and all that?" I fiddled with them until they were comfortable on my head, and waited until Ellis pressed a button on those funny doodads. I really need to learn more about tech. I can't call them "doodads" forever.

Then the beat hit me, and it did indeed start with a bit of strumming from a ukulele. Sona could make different sounds on her ethwal, ranging from a harp to an electric guitar (Pentakill) and apparently...this. The lyrics started, and I began to bounce lightly in my chair as Ahri's voice filled my eardrums:

 _Don't think about it_

 _Just move your body_

 _Listen to the music_

 _Sing "Oh-ey-oh"_

 _Just move those left feet_

 _Go ahead, get crazy_

 _Anyone can do it_

 _Sing "Oh-ey-oh"_

 _Show the world you've got that fire (fire)_

 _Feel the rhythm getting louder_

 _Show the room what you can do_

 _Prove to them you've got the moves_

 _I don't know about you_

 _But I feel better when I'm dancin', yeah yeah_

 _Better when when I'm dancin', yeah yeah_

 _And we can do this together_

 _I bet you feel better when you're dancin', yeah yeah_

 _And when you finally let go_

 _And you slay that solo_

 _'Cause you listen to the music_

 _Sing "Oh-ey-oh"_

 _'Cause you're confident, babe_

 _And you make your hips sway_

 _We knew that you could do it_

 _Sing "Oh-ey-oh"_

 _Show the world you've got that fire (fire, baby)_

 _Feel the rhythm getting louder_

 _Show the room what you can do_

 _Prove to them you've got the moves_

 _I don't know about you,_

 _But I feel better when I'm dancin', yeah yeah_

 _Better when when I'm dancin', yeah yeah_

 _And we can do this together_

 _I bet you feel better when you're dancin', yeah yeah_

 _I feel better when I'm dancin'_

 _I'm better when I'm dancin', aye, oh-ey-oh_

 _feel better when I'm dancin', yeah yeah_

 _Better when I'm dancin', yeah yeah_

 _Don't you know_

 _And we can do this together_

 _I bet you feel better when you're dancin', yeah yeah_

 _(You got the moves, babe)_

 _I feel better when I'm dancin'_

 _I'm better when I'm dancin', hey_

 _Feel better when I'm - yeah, yeah_

(AN: To be honest, I feel like Ahri would sing like Meghan Trainor. I dunno why, but that's the vibe I get. Also, I finally figured out what I'm going to do with this chapter, and it will be the prelude to a big part of this story's plotline! So, I guess until the end, this'll be a more relaxed chapter.)

"Pretty damn good." I smirked as the song finished. "And you're planning on making more stuff like that?"

"Yeah, we should have the album done in a month or two." Ellis replied. "Honestly, I'm surprised at how much progress we're making."

"Well, congrats on that, man." I stood up, patting him once on the shoulder. "Alright, I'm gonna head out. That was pretty entertaining, but I've still gotta find other ways to keep my boredom at bay."

"'Kay, see you later." He waved a brief goodbye as I stepped out the door.

* * *

Ten minutes later, I was lacing face-down on a bench in the gardens, groaning in irritation. The snow had melted, too, so I wasn't able to do fun snowy things.

" _SO BOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEED._ " I complained. "Seriously, why have things stopped all of a sudden? Just last chap- a few days ago, things were going _nuts,_ but now there's nothing to do!"

"Grandpa?" Shyvana called from somewhere to my right. "What exactly are you doing?" I looked up to see her standing there, Jarvan on her left.

I gave a half-hearted shrug. "I'm bored."

"Bored?" She raised an eyebrow. "For once, you of all people literally have nothing to do?"

"Apparently." I replied. "I briefly entertained myself by making random trees pop up out of nowhere, but I lost interest after a while."

"Really?" Jarvan asked. "You're capable of such a thing?"

I gestured around me. "Where do you thing those random coconut trees came from?" At some point, I had just decided to plant them in the center of the path.

He looked at them, frowning. "I had just assumed they were a part of the garden."

"Here, watch this." I pointed at the ground near the bench. "Bananas!" A banana tree instantly popped up out of the ground from where I pointed.

"So, you can do this just about anywhere?" Shyvana asked.

"Pretty much." I replied. "I was gonna make a papaya tree sprout in Wayne's bathroom, but I'm way too lazy right now." All of a sudden, I felt a sharp buzzing in the back of my head. It made my ears ring, and goosebumps pop up on my skin.

"Wait, hold on." I sat up. "My Spider-Sense is tingling."

"Your _what?_ "

"I get a weird buzzing sensation in the back of my head when Elise is about to do something stupid." I explained. "Which means she may be about to eat somebody."

"Why you even be able to sense that?" Shyvana asked.

"Plot reasons."

"What?"

"NevermindgottagoI'llseeyoulaterbyyyyyyyyyyye!" I called back as I dashed off, following the source of my buzzing. I didn't even bother turning; I just ran through several walls until I was in the hallways. I discovered the source to be the Counselor's Office, where I could hear Elise making a bit of banter with her prey.

I promptly kicked down the door, catching her red-handed in spider form, with the counselor leisurely talking to her while hanging from a thread of webbing connected to the cocoon around his body, although his head was still free.

" _Elise!_ " I sternly said. " _Put. The Counselor. Down._ " I waggled a finger. "Or I'm telling Kolminye."

She huffed. "Very well." She slashed apart the webbing with her front legs, gently putting him down. She was no stranger to how strong I was, and respected me to some extent because of it. Enough to refrain from ripening people up when I caught her, at least.

"You. Me. Discussion. Now." I gestured to the door. "Sorry about that, Mr. Badger." I apologized. "That must've been unpleasant."

Jay shrugged. "It's become a constant occurrence during my sessions with her, anyways. You can take her off my hands. We were just finishing before you kicked down the door."

(AN: In case you were wondering, I have special permission from HoneyBadgerDCFF to use Jay Badger for a bit, so no, don't leap at the chance to accuse me of plagiarism)

"I'll bet." I growled, shoving Elise through the doorway before putting the door back on its hinges. "What the _hell,_ Elise?!" I snapped at the Spider Queen. "Why would you even _think_ about eating someone?!"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you speak of, Helios." Elise raised an eyebrow. "I was merely having a session with the counselor, surely that isn't enough to warrant your judgement?"

"Elise, you know very well what I'm talking about." I snapped. "I can tell when you're about to have a 'snack,' remember?"

She sighed in defeat. "Very well, I was considering the prospect." She raised her palms in a what-can-you-do gesture. "But Lord Vilemaw's will must be done."

I sighed. "You do know that you're just going to end up like all the other Spider Queens at this point, right?"

Elise looked confused. "I don't follow."

I rolled my eyes. "Elise, you really think that you're the _first_ Spider Queen? Hell no. There were _twelve_ others before you, and Vilemaw ended up eating all of them. He likes to fatten up his prey before he eats it. Y'know, because he's a giant spider. I mean, haven't you ever wondered why no one else has ever gotten the powers he gave you?" I lightly booped her on the nose. "Just something to think about."

I sauntered away, having utterly failed to demolish my boredom.

Also, my Elise lecture _sucked._ Really, I could've done better. I was way too bored to care, though. Plus, my Swain lecture had taken a lot out of me.

My boredom lasted pretty much the entire day. I would often attempt to relieve the monotony by bashing my head into the wall multiple times, or by randomly jumping off the Institute's roof. Seriously, it looked like everybody was having fun but me.

Case in point: Kha'Zix and Rengar were locked in a vicious match of ping-pong. They had been playing for three straight hours, and I don't think either of them were keeping score. Their game mostly consisted of trying to smack the ball into each other's faces, losing the ball, then just smacking each other with the paddles.

Olaf was attempting to die yet again by wrestling a honey badger. Guess which incarnation of evil was winning.

Renekton was still fishing for Nami, with no luck. He'd managed to catch Fizz a few times, though.

Mordekaiser and Azir had resolved their argument and decided that burritos were the best. Was that even an option when they were fighting? I can't remember.

 _Why the hell was everybody having fun but me?!_

I was losing it, and at this point I was going to go nuts.

So, that evening, after going just as apeshit bananas as Wukong upon witnessing Zac whirl himself around in a blender, I crawled along the floor to the only person who could ever help.

* * *

" _RAKA, HELP MEEEEEEEEE!_ " I pounded on her door from my position face-down on the ground. " _I NEED HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLP!_ "

The door flung itself open, and there was Raka dressed in a bathrobe with simple pajamas underneath. She was about to tuck in for the evening, I guess. "Oh my gods, Helios, what's wrong?!" She cupped my face. "Are you sick? Did you break anything? Are you hurt?"

" _I'M BOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEED!_ " I whined.

She went poker-faced for a minute, before rolling her eyes. "Only _you_ would make a scene about being this bored." She helped me up. "Come on, we can get some popcorn ready and watch a movie."

Sighing with relief, I followed her into her room. It was what you'd expect of an Ionian room, with all the standard furniture design and artwork. Still, it had a nice big TV in the center, so I wasn't complaining. We got some popcorn ready, snuggled up with a blanket, and put _Seven Samurai_ in the disc player. An old classic, but I actually liked old-timey movies.

"Dear gods, I can't believe that people actually had to watch movies in black in white once." I remarked when we were about halfway through.

"Still, at least it's entertaining." Raka replied, popping another piece of popcorn into her mouth. "Although the plot is kinda basic."

"Basic?!" I feigned indignity. "It is _not!_ "

"Oh, really?" She asked. "How so?"

"Seven ronin are tasked with defending a village from bandits! Not only that, but there's-" I faltered. "Uh..." I sweat-dropped. "Damn it, you're right." Raka laughed. I shrugged with a grin. "Still, the fight scenes are always fun to watch."

She made a face. "I'm not really a fan of violence in general. I enjoy the emotional moments more."

"Didn't you unleash an onslaught of bananas at Draven when he slapped a sticker on your horn?" I asked. Raka blushed.

"It was just one time..." She weakly protested. I chuckled, before returning my attention to the movie. She snuggled up extra close to me, and sighed contentedly, closing her eyes.

"Hey, don't go to sleep on me." I raised an eyebrow, amused. "The movie isn't over yet."

"I couldn't care less about the movie." She replied. "Being here with you is enough." She leaned up to kiss me, which I happily accepted.

"You know what?" I said. "Screw the movie." I reached for the remote, pausing the movie and turning off the TV screen. "Be right back. Hang on a sec." I briefly zipped away with light-speed, bringing back several candles and strategically placing them throughout the room. I snapped my fingers, and they all lit, before I dimmed the lights using the switch on the wall. Last but not least, a bottle of Demacian white wine. Only the finest for the finest of women.

Sappy, much? I know.

"Consider this an official date." I winked, handing her a glass. I wasn't done, though. I zipped over to the Institute's kitchen, fetching a few things, before zipping back to Raka's room. I began fixing up a bit of Leona's signature steak, sprinkled with spices and cooked medium-well, although with a slight tinge of pink in the center.

"Bon appetite, ma petite cherie." I placed down two plates beside us. "Dinner is on me."

"Helios, you know that I already ate, right?" She asked.

I placed a hand on my chest in mock indignation. "Are you refusing my cooking, madame? I'll have you know that my cuisine is nothing short of spectacular!"

Raka snickered. "I suppose a bit more food couldn't hurt." We spent most of the night just sitting there and chatting, while our food and wine disappeared bit by bit. We messed around, laughed, told each other funny stories from our pasts, and even played with the steak a little bit (I put a piece of meat on Raka's horn to demonstrate how it could be used for kebabs).

"Oh, remember that time when you tried to give Lux, Janna, Jinx, Poppy and Lulu some of your power, but wound up making them look like kids' television actors instead?" Raka giggled. We were both a little tipsy from the wine. I couldn't get one-hundred percent drunk, but I could still get intoxicated to some extent.

"That doesn't even make sense, Raka." I smirked. "And didn't you accuse me of having a glitter kink for weeks on end afterwards?"

Raka spat out her drink, getting it all in my hair. "Ra- _kaaaaaaaaaa!_ " I complained. "Not in my face!"

"Sorry." She giggled. "But I couldn't just help myself. I did accuse you of that, didn't I?"

"Well, I regret to inform you, my lady, but I do _not,_ in fact, have a glitter kink." I leaned in, stealing a quick kiss. "I happen to actually have a thing for bananas. My girlfriend tastes like them, you see."

"Is that so?" She cooed, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Lucky her."

"More like 'lucky me.'" I replied, placing my hands on her _magnificent_ waist. "In fact, I'm kinda in the mood for bananas right about now."

"Then why don't I satiate your appetite?" Raka replied, before pressing her lips to mine. We groaned into it, Raka tugging and pulling at my neck while my hands roamed around her waste. She fell backwards, bringing me down with her onto the couch, propping myself on my elbows for support.

"Gods, you're amazing." I murmured, trailing kisses down her neck. Raka sighed blissfully, biting her lip as she pulled me closer.

"You aren't so bad yourself." Raka replied. "We should have done this years ago."

"Damn right." I agreed, trailing back up her jaw until reaching her lips again. Raka sniffed as I pulled away, however, and when I did, I saw that she'd started crying.

"Oh, _gods..._ " She moaned. "I'm such an _idiot!_ "

"Hey, hey, no, don't say that." I said, caressing her face. "What makes you say that?"

"Because you're _right._ " Raka sobbed. "We should have done this _years ago!_ "

I was a little confused at that moment. "Well...we're here doing it right now, so..." I let out a nervous chuckle. "What's wrong?"

"It was _you._ " Raka said. "The _whole time,_ it was _you._ " She reached up to cup my cheek. "I should have chosen _you._ " She began to cry again, tears leaking down and staining the cushions below us.

"Hey, Raka, it's okay." I said. "You don't need to worry about what happened in the past."

"It was you the whole time and I chose _him!_ " Raka bawled.

I quietly shushed her until she'd calmed down enough, before leaning in to kiss her. "Listen." I said. "It _doesn't matter,_ okay? We're _here._ Where we _should be._ Don't focus on what already happened." I gave her a lopsided smile. "It'll keep you from enjoying what's happening right here and now."

Raka nodded, reaching up to kiss me again. Gods, I loved it when she did that. She really did taste like bananas.

Suddenly, I noticed that her legs had come up to lock around my waist, arms gripping my shoulders. "Uh...Raka?" I looked at her, confused. "What're you doing?"

I never got to hear her answer, as she was suddenly on top of me, lip-locking while she pinned me to the couch. She was already shrugging off her bathrobe, reaching under my shirt to run her hands over my abs.

I briefly considered stopping her there, because I didn't know exactly if she was ready, but her banana-power started to overload any sense of rational thought.

I rolled my eyes, thought "Screw it" and then proceeded to ravish her.

I'm a ladies' man, bitches. Deal with it.

* * *

 ** _SLAM!_**

A sudden impact from inside Kolminye's office had me running as fast as I could go the next day, before punching through the wall, leaving a gaping hole. I was gonna have to pay for that later, but I was freaking out.

"Vess?!" I whipped my head from side to side, looking for any signs of danger. "What's going on?! Where's the thing I need to kill?!"

Instead, I found a very gaunt and shaky High Councilor, trembling with her face inside her hands, with a piece of parchment on the table in front of her. She appeared to have angrily thrown some of her important officey things off the table, judging by the strewn papers and various small items scattered around the floor.

"Hey, what happened?" I took in the mess. "Did someone piss you off?"

Kolminye took in a breath, then looked at me. She briefly jumped up in her chair, as if she hadn't heard me come in. "When did you get here, Helios?" She frowned. "And why are you in your nightwear? And with hair as disheveled as it is at the moment?"

"Like...three seconds ago." I gestured to the hole in the wall. "I heard something loud coming from your office, so I hightailed it over here." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "And I, uh...had a rough night."

(AN: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

Kolminye sighed. "I did as well. Perhaps the roughest I've had since I took the position of High Councilor."

"Why?" I asked. "What's got you so wrecked?"

"It's General Swain." She replied, her face pale. "Last night, he declared war on Demacia."

...

...

...

...

...

"...Shit."

* * *

 ** _Helios' chill-period is officially over, ladies and gentlemen. After attempting to conquer his boredom, Helios gets a war instead. If this chapter was kinda lax for you, apologies. I just had to keep things moving at a decent pace until I dropped the big plot-point. We're getting back into the action, boys and girls! For real, this time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	22. I Hate Snow (It Hates Me Right Back)

_**What's up, guys and gals, we're back, and things are about to get messy. Last chapter was a little lax and half-assed, I'll acknowledge it, and I apologize. I just had to keep things going until we got to the major plot point. And yeah, we're getting serious this time. Swain's declared war on Demacia, which means that the League of Legends has failed to keep order and peace in Runeterra. And don't think that this battle will be one-sided, ladies and gentlemen. Swain has plenty of nasty allies, and with the sudden upset of the Du Couteaus' departure from Noxus, many see this as an opportunity to pull out all the big guns. Helios won't be OP this time, I can promise you that much. This war is gonna be a big section of the story, so it'll have a lot of chapters. However, only time will tell if this is the "storm" Eminita was referring to. So, it's time for me to roll up my sleeves, stop writing Helios-mainly-chilling-out chapters, and for the first time in a while, provide a genuine issue for our hero. Now LET'S. GET. THIS MAJOR STORY ARC. ON.**_

* * *

Things had officially gone to shit.

Hmm...then again, you probably knew that already, didn't you? "Oh, _wow,_ Helios, things went to shit?! Because of a war with Noxus?! Who could've guessed?!" Yeah, yeah, I know, I need to stop stating the obvious, but sue me, I was trying to figure out a good way to start.

The Institute of War had embraced pure and utter chaos after Swain's declaration of war was made public. Champions and summoners alike were all heading for home, and the building quickly became near-abandoned. The only ones left were the people who actually _lived_ at the Institute. It was like one of those old Western movies. The Institute had become the equivalent of a ghost town, and with actual ghosts, if you count some of the Shadow Isles champions. Raka went back to Ionia. The elders would probably be safer with her support.

Why was everyone leaving? Well, what do you think? Nobody wanted to be there once Swain and the Noxian army came knocking on the front door. With battering rams, most likely. This was just the excuse he needed to go out and conquer everything, and the League of Legends was an obstacle to that conquest.

Things didn't stop degrading from there, either. Swain was not only after Demacia's ass, but from what several scouts and spies had told Jarvan the Third, Swain was aiming for all sorts of places: Ionia, Bilgewater, Freljord, he was going all _out._ Normally, this would be the most downright insane thing to do. However, not only was the Noxian army one of the best in the world (and believe me, no one typically wants a war with Noxus, because they will most likely win), but there was the _teeny tiny_ matter of Zaun's support.

Oh yes, Noxus and Zaun had officially teamed up on this little adventure. Sure, a lot of Zaunite champions weren't going to fight, like Ekko and Zac, but the majority of the nation was all for it. Zaunite war machines are an absolute _nightmare_ on the battlefield. When Noxus invaded Ionia, the locals were pretty much slaughtered. Riven would agree, but she doesn't like to talk about what happened out there. Bad memories. Ionians are decent enough fighters, but by no means are they on the same level as everyone else. Freljord has a ton of great warriors, but it was kinda, sorta...stuck in a three-way civil war, which would be problematic. Bilgewater doesn't even _have_ an army.

And last but not least, Aurelion was opting to sit this one out. Lazy bastard. He wasn't really interested in us sorting out "petty squabbles," so he was just going to chill up in the highest layers of the atmosphere until it was all done. I didn't even have time to argue; he just basically said "bye" and off he went. What an ass.

Piltover was neutral (how they pulled it off I had no idea), and so was Shurima, which sucked. I was hoping to use Azir's chicken powers to my advantage. Mordekaiser had made no comment on what the Shadow Isles would be doing, which was odd, considering he was usually up for bringing about great suffering, and all that. Malzahar and the Void, well...really, was anyone brave enough to ask?

So, with no one supporting Demacia, the word I would use to describe our situation would be "screwed."

Which is why having to deal with the King was anything but fun. He wasn't very happy.

"Must you have revealed Marcus Du Couteau's death so recklessly?" He asked me in the meeting room of the Citadel of Dawn. "This war is a direct result of your decision, and while it may have gained us valuable new allies," The King gestured to Katarina, Talon and Riven. "it does _not_ solve the issue of casualties. Piltover has elected to remain neutral in this crisis, while Zaun fully supports Noxian troops." This was by far the calmest conversation I'd ever had with him. "How are we to defeat an enemy that has us outnumbered and with superior weaponry?!"

I shrugged. "Don't ask me. I honestly didn't see this coming."

"Oh yes, very helpful." He retorted. "Would anyone _else_ care to offer a solution, or am I to devise a plan myself?"

"Well, you have Mount Targon's support." I offered. "Noxians oughta get a kick out of several hundred Rakkor warriors."

"Noxus has several _hundred thousand_ at its disposal, and you believe that a few hundred Rakkor will even the odds?" He inquired. "Are you _mad?_ "

"Father, please." Jarvan protested. "It would be wise to accept the aid of the Rakkor. The odds may not be completely in our favor, but they will be better with added support."

The King sighed. "I realize this. However, we are ill-equipped to battle Zaunite war machines. We may boast one of the most well-defended cities in Runeterra, but walls can fall, and most likely will to machines designed to tunnel through solid rock."

"You know..." Ellis said. "I might actually be able to help with that."

"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"Your Majesty, I am one of the smartest people in the entire _world_." Ellis replied. "Give me a pile of scraps and I can make a working turret, complete with missiles, cannons, you name it and I can make it. I could make a decent defense system for the city, given enough time."

"That may be the case, but time is not something we have." The King said. "Grand General Swain could be mobilizing his army at this very moment, and we must spend as much time as we can fortifying the walls. I can't spare workers to provide you with resources."

"Actually, that might not be the case." I replied.

"Explain." Was his answer, short and sweet.

"Well, considering the distance between Demacia and Noxus, it'll take almost a month for Swain to move his entire army across. Not only that, but the Institute of War stands right in the middle. High Councilor Kolminye has the tools available to stall the Noxian army. With enough summoners and the proper "management" of some of the Rift monsters, that would buy us, if my admittedly limited knowledge of war is correct..." I sighed. "Probably an additional month."

The King nodded, seeming to accept my explanation. "Very well, I suppose that buys us enough time for Doctor Delande to finish his additional fortifications..." He hummed thoughtfully. "Still, there is the matter of numbers. Word is that Viktor, the Machine Herald, is supplying mechanical soldiers, and several thousand of them at that. The High Councilor may be able to stall Noxus, but at the most that will pick a few hundred off their ranks."

"What if we had reinforcements?" I asked. "Some extra aces in the hole?"

"You have additional allies in mind?" The King asked.

"Freljord. Bilgewater. Ionia." I began. "If we can convince them to help us, the odds will be in our favor. Bilgewater may not have an army, and while I'm reluctant to suggest this, Gangplank's been meaning to take a shot at Swain for a while."

"And what of Freljord?" He replied. "What makes you so certain they would be willing to assist us? The Avarosan have never quite forgiven us for turning away refugees during Noxus' Barbarian Pacification campaigns, and they will most likely refuse us as we did them."

"Yeah, that wasn't very nice of you, now that I think about it." I drily said. "For the world's so-called 'paragon of virtue,' it wasn't very _virtuous_ of you, was it?"

The King shot me a look. I stood my ground. He slowly let it go.

"Besides, I have a few friends in both Freljord and Ionia." I continued. "Raka's pretty popular in Ionia, and so is Ahri. I'm friends with Braum and Anivia, and they're pretty influential themselves, so I should be able to convince them to help us fight."

"You intend to journey to Freljord, Ionia and Bilgewater in order to gain us an alliance?" He mused, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "Very well. How many men do you require?"

"One." I pointed to myself. "I'll do it by myself. No one has to come with me."

" _What?!_ " Shyvana, Jarvan, Garen, Katarina, etc. exclaimed. "You can't be _serious!_ I'm going with you." Shyvana said.

"Hell no." I shot her a stern glare. "You're needed here. Demacia needs its signature dragon as the first line of defense. Besides, where I'm going, it'll be too cold for a dragon. You'll freeze to death out there."

"Helios, while I have to admire that you're so suicidal, are you out of your mind?" Katarina asked. "There's no way that you'll be okay on your own."

"I agree with Katarina." Leona said. "At least take _one_ of us with you."

I shook my head. "I can't. Guys, I know that you don't like this, but you need to be _here_ , defending the city, if I can't get enough reinforcements in time." I sighed. "I need you to trust me on this. It'll be a long trip, and it'd be best if I just went alone." It really was going to be a bit of a walk. I can only go at the speed of light in short bursts, five minutes tops. I'd be way too tired to go on for the time it would take to reach Freljord. It was going to take a few weeks, tops.

"Please." I said. "I know you're worried, but I'll be fine once I reach the Avarosan."

Shyvana looked just about ready to blow, but huffed and nodded. "You'd better come back alive. I want the future royalty of Demacia to be able to meet their grandfather." Jarvan went red. Wow. I wasn't expecting her to make a statement like that, and in front of the King, too, but hey, it was motivating.

I nodded. "Just get me some food, a bow, and some decent clothes (armor is durable, but it doesn't do much against cold), and I'll make it there. In the meantime, get Quinn and the scouts out in the field, see if they can't mess around with the Noxians a little."

And so the war began, and I would, for the most part, be absent for most of the battles. Because, y'know, I'd be too busy scrounging up extra troops.

It did come with one benefit, though. Ellis gave me a portable radio, which had a lot of his favorite songs on it, so on the bright side, my journey would be able to have an _epic_ soundtrack.

* * *

"I _hate_ the cold." I muttered as I sat in the snowy forest. And I do mean _snowy._ The snow might've melted at the Institute, but once you got up north it was _freezing._ My new fur-lined clothes with a cloak to boot helped, but it was still cold.

I took a lazy glance at the head of my horse, whose dead, frozen body I now sat on. Once a horse freezes to death it makes a surprisingly good cushion.

"I don't suppose _you_ have anything to contribute?" I asked. The horse, with its tongue sticking out and glazed over eyes, didn't answer.

I really had no idea how it happened. As far as I knew, the horse had been fine. It had just suddenly toppled over after being in the snow for two days. It was dead before it even hit the ground. My life was starting to suck again, I could tell.

It had been two weeks since I left, and despite the benefits of growing a beard (Raka was going to _love_ that when I saw her again), I wasn't having a very good time. Gee, who could've guessed, right? If you're wondering why I just skipped ahead so much, it's because the two weeks were uneventful. Unless, of course, you want to hear about how I was completely and utterly bored.

I was close to Freljord, as far as I could tell, but there was way too much snow to even take a guess at where I was. There wasn't any food around either, because it was way too cold. Ah, back to where we were at the beginning of this story! How nice. And an additional problem: it turns out, I can't use a lot of my abilities in extreme cold. Light-speed? Nah-ah. Plasma bolts? No way. Gravity? It was even colder in the air than it was on the ground, so you've gotta be joking. The only things I was capable of were my usual flame awesomeness and glowing. Joy. What a cliché that I'd be reduced to this, right? That's life for you.

I'd been sent a few letters from the others occasionally, via Valor, although I hadn't gotten one ever since I hit the forest. There had been a few skirmishes in the time that I'd been gone, with Noxus already advancing. I wouldn't have much time, so logically I needed to pick up the pace.

Just as I was figuring out how to not freeze to death, my nose caught a scent. It was intoxicating, and absolutely delicious. Wanna know what it smelled like?

 _The plotline._

I abandoned the horse and climbed up a tree, following the smell as I nimbly jumped between branches like an absolute boss. As the scent got stronger (I really needed to thank Nidalee for the hunting lessons), I picked up voices through the dense treeline. Well, lucky me, people! They could even have food!

"Goddamn it, do we really have to be out here?" A male voice called through the trees. "I'm freezing my ass off!"

"We have our orders." Another replied. "We're to stay here and prevent anyone from passing until High Command says so."

Aw, _hell._

Just my luck.

Because really, once I exited the safe-zone of my life things were going to downspiral.

Sure enough, when I poked my head through the bushes, I was greeted by the sight of a Noxian encampment, filled with at least fifty fully-armed troops. There were huts and tents scattered throughout the area, and a few fires flickered in between. But oh, _daddy,_ did that food smell good! Pigs, steak, baked beans, it was a goddamn _feast._ That's the benefit of Noxians solely believing in strength: the soldiers are well-fed to make sure that they stay in fighting shape. Of course, it was just going to be a benefit for _me._

The voices belonged to two soldiers sitting in front of a nearby fire, both dressed as heavily in fur as possible. The layers made them so round that if you slapped horns on them and made them stick out their tongues, they would look like poros. They would never be as cool as Sparks, though. There was this one time when he ate a whole hovercar. His appetite is just astounding sometimes.

"Why the hell would anyone come up here, anyways?" The soldier to my left, from where I was on a tree branch, grumbled. "There's nothing up here but ice, snow and wolves. It's a practical death-zone."

"It's _also_ the entryway to the Freljord, idiot." The other soldier snapped. "Demacia will most likely send troops to ask for reinforcements."

"If they don't freeze to death first." The first one, I'm just gonna call him Fred, because reasons, chuckled. "Ain't nobody dumb enough to try, not with _us_ keeping guard." Fred pondered something for a second. "Why did General Swain send so many of us, anyways?"

"It's because of the Solari." The other guy, I'mma call him Barney, answered. "Y'know, that Helios guy?"

Holy.

Shit.

No.

Way.

I had a _reputation?_ In _other city-states?_ This was _awesome!_

"Oh, yeah, I heard about him from our commanding officer. What's so special about him? Never really understood why it was such a big deal when he showed up at the Institute of War." Fred said (that rhymes, a benefit of calling him Fred).

"I heard that he's the actual physical incarnation of the sun, which is why he leads the Solari. They _worship_ him, like a cult or somethin'." Barney replied. I grimaced. It was _not_ a cult. They were already on my hit-list for saying that. "He apparently created the entire goddamn _world._ "

"So, what, he's a god?" Fred asked.

"Just about."

"Damn." That's right, cower, fools, because your asses are _mine._

"That's not all. I heard that he's as strong as a hundred men, and can rip apart a Zaunite siege engine with his bare hands." Holy shit, there were _legends_ about me?! Screw deadlines, I needed to hear this.

"You're bullshitting me." Fred replied.

Barney shook his head. "Nope. Believe me, I wish I was. I also heard that he can run faster than lighting, and can walk through fire without it hurting him at all." Well, they got that part right. This was _so_ great.

"And you know what else I heard?" Barney leaned in to whisper.

"What?" Fred asked.

"You know that halfling that Demacia has, y'know...the dragon?" Did they just call Shyvana a _halfling?_ I was going to enjoy whipping their buns. They would be kinda stiff, because they were frozen, but hey, sometimes you gotta make do with what you have.

"Yeah." Fred replied. He was a simple man.

"I heard that she's his _granddaughter._ She gets her temper from _him._ "

"Gods, are you serious?" Fred asked.

"Dead serious." Barney said. "Which is why we need to be here. General Swain has a personal vendetta against the guy, and if he can really do all that, then we have to stop him from crossing the border."

"You know, I heard something _else_ about Helios." I whispered behind them, their backs turned.

"What?" Barney asked, blissfully unaware.

"I heard that he once bitch-slapped a bear _so hard,_ that he broke its neck." I replied.

"Holy _shit._ " Fred exclaimed.

"And you want to know something else?" I asked.

"What?" They both said.

"He's standing right behind you." I said.

They instantly whipped around, eyes bulging out of their heads and mouths opening to cry out. Before they could even get a simple "What the &%$ " out, I grabbed their heads and slammed them together, knocking them unconscious. I silently dragged their bodies behind the trees, where no one would see them. They may have said some things I disapproved of, but I kind of liked Fred and Barney. They introduced me to my legends. They were probably going to _die,_ granted, but hey, they're just unnamed goons that I randomly called Fred and Barney. Who cares, right?

I climbed back up a tree, surveying my surroundings. I'd only taken care of two of them, but I had time. The exercise would help keep me warm, anyways. And with that, I began my reign of terror...which was in no way terrifying, because no one ever saw me coming. The price of being a stealthy piece of shit, I guess.

I began picking them off one by one. Sometimes I would kick them in the balls from behind, then wrap them in a headlock until they passed out. Other times I would pop up out of a pile of snow (it was cold, but it looked cool) and drag them back in with me, a blow to the head taking care of them. I even knocked a guy out with a chicken leg he was about to snack on, before finishing it myself.

Eventually, there was only one guy left: the officer in charge of the small regiment. He was having a chow down in his tent. I wanted to savor this, so I waited. Then, as a lot of commanding officers tend to do, he suddenly flipped out for no reason and barged outside.

"Someone give me a situation report, _now!_ " He shouted.

He then realized that everyone's asses had been kicked. The officer drew his sword, and stalked through the camp, an eye out for attackers. I watched him from the trees, slowly nocking an arrow on my bow. My axe was on my back next to my quiver. I had decided to save it for epic smackdowns. I let the arrow fly, the point hitting the ground right below the man's crotch. He yelped, leveling his sword at the treeline.

Another arrow screeched past his shoulder, and he whirled backwards, his exposed spine to me. I could've pierced it, but I wanted to have some fun.

" _WHERE ARE YOU?!_ " He screamed.

"Here." I replied behind him, because I can magically appear like that.

He shouted in alarm, swinging his sword at my neck. I ducked under it, before giving him an uppercut to the chin and dashing back into the woods. He pursued me, screaming in rage (he appeared to be somewhat uptight), like a true Noxian would. Dumbass. I'd already vanished from sight by the time he came out into a small clearing. The officer turned in a full circle, his sword ready.

I then suddenly exploded out of a conveniently large pile of snow behind him. "GUESS WHO?!" I yelled.

"It's _you!_ " He shouted, glowering.

"IT'S ME!" I agreed. "GOODBYE!" I leapt up, and came crashing down on the opposite end of the log that the officer was standing on. He, naturally, was on the other end. The end shot up, and the officer went careening somewhere into the other side of the forest. He was probably not okay. Excellent.

(AN: Anyone catch the Old Spice reference?)

Once I finished that up, I rifled through the Noxian camp, stealing as much food as I could. I wasn't exactly feeling merciful. Maybe these people weren't one hundred percent evil, but they were still assholes, and they thought that conquering and enslaving my granddaughter's home was okay. Dicks.

Of course, it's not like that was the complete end of my problems.

* * *

"Goddamn wolves!" I cursed, sprinting through the snow. "This is _not_ a good time!"

Turns out, the two Noxians weren't kidding about the wolves. They were nasty little shits, too, with icy white pelts (go figure) and a whole lotta teeth. To be honest, I'd kinda missed these moments. It was refreshing to not be OP for once. Didn't mean that I was going to enjoy death any less, but at least something interesting was going on.

I was currently being chased by a pack of around twenty, and all of them had smelled the meat I had with me. Not to mention all the meat on my bones and skin. I was considering just letting them have a chicken or two, if it would get them off my ass. No, seriously, they were probably going to eat my ass too. Is it the sexiness of my ass that makes it so viable? I'm still confused about that.

Although my situation looked bleak, I was determined to stay positive, so I decided to play "Alright" (AN: Supergrass) on Ellis' radio, which was strangely immune to nature. Ellis really did prepare for everything.

"I am cold, and pissed off, being chased, by some wolves, curse a lot, curse a ton, feel alright." I sang to myself.

Finally, after running for gods-know-how long, I spotted a break in the trees. I was getting just a _tad bit_ tired of running blindly through the forest. I came across a frozen lake, surrounded by several mountains. The Ironspike Mountains, to be more precise. Woo! I was actually pretty damn close to the Avarosan! Score! I mean, there was no way in hell I was going to the Winter's Claw and Frostguard, _especially_ the Frostguard.

I ran across the ice, skidding and slipping occasionally, with the wolves following close behind. However, even though their claws let them get a better grip on the ice, I saw an opportunity for survival ahead. The ice had broken up into chunks, floating aimlessly in the water. A few looked big enough and solid enough to hold my weight.

"I'm getting away, I'm getting away, I'm getting away..." I chanted.

Then I yelped as I felt the teeth of a wolf nearly bite my ass off. See? Told you so.

"I'm not getting away, I'm not getting away, I'm not getting away..." My face paled.

Just when it looked like I was about to be dog food, I leapt, landing squarely on a floating chunk of ice. It drifted away from the wolves, and I shouted out in triumph as I got further away. I even did a little victory dance.

"Suckers!" I waved goodbye to the little shits. "I hope you have a fun time starving!"

Then I heard the roar of water behind me. I sighed. "Son of a _bitch._ Waterfall?"

I turned around. I sighed again. "Yep." I deflated.

I straightened up. Nature was going to be cruel to me again, huh? Screw it, I was feeling suicidal, why the hell not?

"Bring it on." I said.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled as I went over the edge, both arms pumped out.

* * *

Believe it or not, I actually didn't screw myself over.

Once I'd started to realize that I was screwed if I stayed on the ice, I jumped off and bit into the edge of the wall with my axe, sliding down until I reached the bottom. The water was cold as Trundle's anus, but I managed to refrain from becoming a human ice cube. The things I did for family...

"Well, that wasn't so bad." I wrung out my clothes before slipping them back on. "Sure, my luck seems to be turning sour again, but hey, I've survived. Screw you, nature, I'm on a goddamn _roll._

Then I looked up.

Guess what I saw.

Go on. Guess.

Considering how my luck usually goes, just guess.

Can't figure it out? Fine.

I had somehow gone _way_ off course, because a mile in front of me, churning out frost, ice and frozen Hell like the world's deadliest blender, was the Gelid Vortex.

Geography Lesson Time, boys and girls: the Gelid Vortex is a furious, never-ending storm that rages north of the Freljord, which was confusing, because I was certain that I'd been on the right track. That most likely meant that I was somewhere north of Rakelstake, the village where the Avarosan Iceflow Glacier was, the kingdom of Ashe and Tryndamere. However, the Gelid Vortex is one tough little shit, and entering it is suicidal, in every sense of the word.

In other words, perfectly fine by my standards.

I sighed. "Welp, I suppose I should've guessed that this wasn't going to be easy." I stood up, taking a defiant stance in the presence of the storm.

"Bring it, bitch." I said. "Let's see what you've got."

* * *

" _WHY DO I HAVE TO JINX MYSELF EVERY TIME?!_ " I screamed in the midst of the storm. It was _cold, cold, cold._ I could barely see three feet in front of me, and I was being thrown about like a ragdoll in the wind. My fingers, toes, and most importantly my crotch were starting to go numb, and the icy wind constantly bit into my spine. Really, it felt like fangs made of ice thought I looked tasty.

Come to think of it, I hadn't been in a storm this bad since Shurima. Man, that brought back memories. A howling storm, me in deep shit, about to be killed by a bunch of ice monsters, it was amazingly similar to my time in the desert.

Hold on. Ice monsters?

Well, that was just typical. Frostguard. Lissandra, you _bitch._

I was surrounded by seven of them, and all of them looked like they wanted to hurt me. Why did so many things want to hurt me? It was really annoying. Could I _not_ just be left alone for a while?

"Come on, guys, do we _really_ have to do this now?" I complained. "I'm trying to get a move on."

The Frostguard responded by lashing out at me with weapons made of Dark Ice. Nasty stuff. You've heard of Pure Ice, right? Ice so cold that it never melts? The stuff that Braum uses in his drinks? Dark Ice is Pure Ice that's been corrupted. And it was under no circumstances something you wanted to get hit with.

I parried a blade with my axe, then twisted around the attacker, swinging my blade and decapitating it from the neck. I raised my axe and cleaved downwards, slicing the Frostguard in half. You can never be too careful.

Two more Frostguard lunged, each one going for my exposed ribs. I blocked the one on the left with my axe, then kicked out with my leg and stopped the arm of the one on the right. I jumped up and spun, my right leg kicking it in the face, temporarily stunning it. I leaned backwards to avoid the swipe of the other Frostguard, catching its arm and crushing its left knee with a swift kick, then sliced it in half from the right shoulder to the left hip.

I turned around to punch through the chest of the other Frostguard, stepping back while ripping out its frozen heart. I crushed in in my hand, then kicked my opponent in the chest, causing it to fall backwards.

The four remaining Frostguard all came at me simultaneously, each one coming at a different angle. I ducked under the swing of a Dark Ice blade from the left, then twisted my body around to the right and swept its legs out from under it. I twisted to lock blades with another, then forcing its sword past me to my left, I jabbed it in the face with the butt of my axe. I grabbed its neck, then flung it over my head into the first Frostguard, which had gotten up. I turned right and bludgeoned the third Frostguard in the knee with the flat side of my axe's blade, then, using its other knee as a spring with my right foot, back-flipped while simultaneously kicking it in the chin with my left. I ran past its stunned body, jumping up onto the shoulders of the fourth Frostguard. Back-flipping again off them (Nidalee's fighting style involved a lot of agility), I landed right onto the third attacker, splitting its head in half with my axe. In case you hadn't guessed, fighting with an axe mostly involves splitting, slicing and chopping. Your enemies typically won't come out of the fight in one piece. Literally, they'll most likely be missing a few limbs.

I threw my axe at the last one, impaling its forehead with the blade. It stood there for a few seconds, before falling to the ground, dead. I sighed, tugging it out by the handle and slinging it over one shoulder.

"Every goddamn time..." I muttered to myself. "Why can't I just have a quiet time in a near-apocalyptic area without getting attacked by monsters?"

(AN: Because then the chapter wouldn't be nearly as fun to read, Helios.)

"I heard that."

(AN: Sorry.)

I felt the rush of adrenaline slowly leave me as the time wore on through the storm. It was even worse than climbing Mount Targon. My feet were already numb, and I could hardly feel, well...everything. My clothes, face and incredibly manly beard were stained white, my axe acting as a sort of torchlight through the darkness of the storm.

I wasn't going to last. My legs were close to giving out, and even with my strength, my axe felt heavy in my hands. A regular human being would've been dead by now. Lucky them. At least they were spared the agony.

A sudden gust of howling wind threw me off my feet, sending my tumbling across the ice and snow. I groaned as I came to a halt, my body laying still. My muscles felt like they were burning, screaming at me for the effort I'd put into just staying alive. My vision was getting blurry, and my lungs seemed to give out. My eyelids grew heavy, and my breathing slow, my axe laying beside me, forgotten.

 _Well, it was a good life._ I thought to myself. _Hopefully the others can go on without me._

 _ **Dude, what are you doing?**_ Some small part of my consciousness said. _**Have you forgotten your girlfriend? Your granddaughter? What'll happen if you don't make it?**_

 _How can I go on?_ I asked myself. This wasn't like what happened with Rational-Me; I was deliberately having these thoughts to myself, letting my two opinions of this matter clash in my mind. _I'm pretty much half-frozen. It hurts to admit this, but I probably won't get out of this one._

 ** _You just jinxed it, man. You most certainly WILL survive. You NEED to. For the Solari. For Shyvana. For Raka. I swear to gods, do NOT die on me._**

 _I can't get up. I'm stuck here. I don't want to die, but it looks like there's no other option._

 ** _Bullshit, and you know it. How many times have we been in a situation like this? We've always survived, and damn if we don't survive this time._**

 _Alright, genius. If you're so confident, what should I do?_

 ** _Get up. What else?_**

 _I can't._

 ** _Yes, you can. Come on, JUST DO IT!_**

 _I CAN'T._

 ** _Say you can. Say it!_**

 _I...I can._

 ** _Louder!_**

 _I can._

 ** _Come on, be a man! Say it like you mean it!_**

 _I can!_

 ** _Louder still! Give me one-hundred and ten percent!_**

 _I CAN!_

 ** _SAY IIIIIIIIIIIT!_**

" _ **I CAN!**_ " I roared, staggering up. My body screamed, shrieked in protest, but I ignored it. Trembling, my fingers found their way around the handle of my axe, slowly, gradually picking it off the ground.

I took one shaky step forward.

Then another.

Then a third.

Then a fourth.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Screw the goddamn wind. Screw the cold. Screw the entirety of the Gelid Vortex. I was _doing_ this. I was _moving._ I was going to kick down the door to the Avarosan Iceflow Glacier, _demand_ an audience with Ashe and Tryndamere, and I _would_ get their assistance in stopping Noxus.

I saw the roar of wind coming, a wall of ice and frost hurtling towards me at the speed of Jinx when she's sugar-high. ...A weird analogy, but you have to see what I mean to understand.

" _COME ON!_ " I yelled, thumping my chest with one fist. " _LET'S SEE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!_ "

I smashed the blade of my axe into the ice beneath my feet, clutching onto the handle as I braced myself for the impact. I screamed in rage, my hair flaring up as the wall drew nearer.

But when the wind was just inches from my face, it suddenly diverted sideways, two massive torrents of frost circling around on either side of me, before joining together and continuing on behind me. It was completely unprecedented, and for moment I wondered if my rage had actually scared off the wind.

Then a faint blue glow appeared through the clouds. It gradually became clearer, forming the outline of two massive wings, surrounded by an icy aura of power. Then came the talons, and finally the head.

"Anivia." I said, smiling in relief. "Perfect timing."

"Apologies, Lord Helios." The Cryophoenix replied, setting down in front of me. "I would have arrived sooner, but there was some difficulty locating your presence in the storm." She neatly folded her wings at her sides, slightly tilting her head as she regarded me with interest.

"You have come a long way from Demacia, my Lord." Anivia said. "What brings you to the Freljord?"

"I need...to speak...with Ashe...and Tryndamere." I panted, flopping down on my butt. The wind had stopped, thanks to Anivia, so the air was a lot warmer than it had previously been. "It's really important that I do."

"Understood, my Lord." Anivia replied, turning around and tilting her spine forward. "Climb on my back. We will reach them faster if we fly."

I raised an eyebrow. "Can you carry me?"

"It will be somewhat difficult, but I will manage." Anivia said, spreading her wings. "Now, if you will hurry, we must make haste. The Winter's Claw and Frostguard are preparing for war on the Avarosan, and I mustn't be gone from its borders for too long."

I briefly considered what would happen if I slipped and fell from several thousand feet, but eventually decided that it probably wouldn't hurt any more than freezing to death. "Alright, what the hell, why not?" I sighed, awkwardly clambering up Anivia's back. She winced from my weight, but probably wouldn't take no for an answer.

I huffed as she took off, the icy terrain falling away beneath us. I was tired, and the fact that I was now several thousand feet above the ground didn't really occur to me.

I was off to a great start, wasn't I?

* * *

 _ **That's it for this chapter. Frankly, I'm gonna be going a little bit off-schedule for these. I'm getting a lot of adrenaline bursts lately, so I'm just writing whenever I have time. Hope you enjoyed how we're going back to how things were in the early chapters, and I look forward to writing more for you! Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	23. Arm-Wrestling's Fun (Ashe Disagrees)

_**Well, hello again, guys and gals! We are BACK, and with a new chapter! Again! To be honest, I don't know why I even bother with the intro. We've all been expecting this, and you're mainly here for the good read. But, we all have our little quirks, and I feel like my account needs a signature feature, so to speak. HOWEVER! You aren't here to listen to me ramble on about that, are you? No, what you really came for is the new chapter, and the opportunity to see where our hero heads next in this valiant tale! That isn't really all that valiant! I mean, let's be honest, Helios isn't really familiar with the word "dignity," is he? Considering his mockery of Runeterra's clichés and stereotypes, I doubt that he has any sense of formality. But then again, chapter nineteen proved that already, so why don't I just stop my rambling and get this on, eh? LET'S GO ALREADEH! AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, THAT MISSPELL WAS INTENTIONAL! BUT WHO CARES?! LET'S GET THIS ON!**_

* * *

"Are we there yet?" I groaned, lying on Anivia's back as she flew.

"For the last time, _no._ " She snapped with her beak. "It takes time to reach Rakelstake, even for me. You must be patient."

"How can I be patient at a time like this?" I asked. "Demacia needs reinforcements, and Noxus is on the move. I _need_ to get Ashe and Tryndamere's support. If I don't, we're screwed."

"Is that why you came?" Anivia replied. "To ask for aid in the war?"

"What did I just say?" I rolled my eyes. "Look, can you at least understand why I'm in a hurry? I don't want to see millions of innocents die, so I'd rather we get a move on."

Anivia sighed, then nodded. "Very well. I will "get a move on," as you humans say." She flapped her wings faster, and I could feel the wind screeching past me as our speed increased. It was cold, but not freezing, since ice and cold weather was more or less Anivia's bitch. It did whatever she told it to, and that was one of the reasons why Lissandra hadn't taken over the Freljord yet.

After a while, my energy had returned to the extent where I could straighten up on Anivia's back. Without the cold, I had time to appreciate the view. It was breathtaking. A tundra of forest, snow, and ice. The Freljord was one of the last places on Runeterra that remained completely untouched by technology. Nature ran rampant here, and most often it trampled unfortunate souls beneath its feet.

This is the problem with life. It's a matter of figuring out how to balance the environment and science in a way that won't screw everyone over. Zaun would be one example. Technology went a little overboard there. End result: lots of noxious fumes and chemicals. Disgusting. Have you ever wondered if maybe it would be better if things _didn't_ advance in terms of tech? Demacia's got enough tech to scrape by, sure, but what they lack in science, they make up for in magic. Hospitals? Filled with healers and medical magic. You get the point. I may be getting a little philosophical, but well, I'm old. With age comes wisdom, and all that. I've had plenty of time to think.

"There." Anivia gestured with a nod of her head, slowing to a glide after a good half-hour of admiring nature (and without it trying to kill me, so bonus points for that). "Behold, my Lord. Rakelstake, the village that houses the Iceflow Glacier of the Avarosan, which in turn houses Frostheld, the Capital of the Avarosan Tribe."

For those of you who haven't been to Rakelstake, I'd recommend it. It's a beautiful place, and a nice winter vacation spot. Hell, it's a nice vacation spot for any time of the year. The snow stops just short of the village's borders, giving way to green grass. The snow, because apparently it doesn't want to admit defeat, starts again inside the village, which, if I'm being honest, can't really be called a village. For one thing, it doesn't have any houses, save for a few small markets. The only things worth noting are the massive archways that lead to the Capital's entrance. They weren't all that fancy, compared to Demacia; they were just massive stones pillars topped with gigantic axes. But on the other hand: _they were massive stone pillars topped with axes._

And then there was the Glacier. The biggest hollowed-out block of ice _ever._ Glowing a faint blue, it could be seen from several miles away, which we currently were. It was, in every sense, "majestic as %$&#." It was the ultimate igloo, worthy of champions. I mean, why do you think that Nunu hangs out there so much? His eskimo heritage beckons to him, demanding that he go inside and light a fire, before going out to hunt seals.

And last but not least, there was that big ol' statue of Avarosa right in front of it. She had one knee up on the rock in front of her, clutching her bow in her left hand while holding up a huge shard of Pure Ice in her right. Why she was looking at it so intently, I have no idea. Maybe she thought it was pretty. Maybe she was trying to think of ways to mix it into a drink. Or perhaps she was thinking "Why the gosh-darn dang am I clutching a hunk of ice for no reason whatsoever?" Life is mysterious like that. It did look pretty cool, though. Maybe that was all that mattered.

"I will drop you off at the entrance." Anivia informed. "I must resume my patrol of the Avarosan borders, by the order of the Queen."

"Fair enough." I replied, briefly fiddling with my frost-caked hair and clothes. "How do I look? Presentable?"

"You look like you stumbled your way through the Gelid Vortex." Anivia drily answered.

I shot her a deadpan. She rolled her eyes...at least, I think she did. It was hard to tell, considering her eyes were glowing. "However, that look may actually make a good first impression on the Avarosan. Many were former members of the Winter's Claw, and they will most likely respect a man that could endure such a tempest."

I shrugged. "If you say so." We touched down at the foot of the statue, pinpricks compared to its sheer size. The doors to the Capital were open, with guards stationed at either end. They didn't say anything, but the curious glances they gave me said enough.

"Oh, and Anivia?" I asked as I jumped down from her back, placing a hand on her flank. "Thanks. I mean it. I probably would've died out there if you hadn't made that last-minute rescue."

She gave a small bow of her head. "Of course, Lord Helios. Your gratitude means much to me." Anivia turned away, spreading her wings and taking off with a gust of wind. I shivered at the cold, but managed to tolerate it. I shielded my eyes from the glare of the sun, watching Anivia's silhouette fade until it was just a speck on the horizon.

I huffed, then refocused my attention on the door. I stepped forward, but my path was barred by the guards, spears leveled at my chest.

"State your business." One ordered. Well, at least he hadn't replied with "Halt." That would've made me cringe from the stereotypical clichéness.

"I'm here to see the King and Queen." I replied, drawing myself up to my full height, going a few inches above him. "It's a very urgent matter."

"Urgent as a brewing war with the Winter's Claw?" The guard raised an eyebrow. "If you arrived upon the back of the Cryophoenix, I would imagine it to be so."

"Possibly even more so." I said. "I'm a friend of theirs. This really needs to come to their attention."

The guard shook his head. "I'm afraid not. Queen Ashe and King Tryndamere are very busy at the moment. Many have requested an audience with them, so you'll have to wait until they're available."

"This isn't really something that can wait." I protested. "Where is your superior? I need to speak with someone in charge."

"That would be me!" A familiar, still-heavily accented voice boomed from behind them. "It is good to see you again, my friend!"

"Braum, hey!" I greeted, reaching to clasp his hand with a grin as he stepped forward. "It's been a while."

"That it has!" Braum laughed. "You look like you waded through the Gelid Vortex!"

"I did." I replied bluntly. Braum's eyes widened.

"You must be freezing, then!" He exclaimed. "Come, let us talk at my home. I imagine that we have much to discuss." He motioned to the guards, and they pointed up their spears, allowing us to pass. Surprisingly disciplined, for a kingdom that was just getting its act together.

Braum ushered me through the gates, and the two of us came out into the Capital of the Avarosan.

"Welcome to Frostheld, Helios!" Braum boomed. That was pretty much one of his only volume settings. "Capital of the Avarosan!"

I whistled. The Iceflow Glacier had been completely hollowed out, and inside was one of the most remarkable cities I had ever seen. Houses, shops and markets had been carved into the ice, along with a maze of wooden buildings below. The entirety of the city was alive with activity, the bars and taverns all packed to the brim. Freljordians love a good drink. It's in their job description as manly men's manly men. In the very center of the city stood the palace of the Avarosan, with towering spires of ice and frost. In fact, the palace appeared to have been carved into the ice itself. The architects hadn't even bothered with hollowing out the Glacier in that area. They just said "Screw it" and left it as it was.

There were more impressive cities, to be sure, but for a budding kingdom, it was an admirable start. The whole place had a bit of a Majestic Viking theme going on. It was like Demacia, but on half the budget and stylized to look like Valhalla, or whatever it was that Olaf rambled on about.

"Now then!" Braum clapped a massive hand on my shoulder. "If you would follow me, we can talk over goat's milk!"

* * *

Goat's milk isn't actually all that bad, with some cinnamon and cream. In fact, it's really good. Braum claimed that he let people think it was disgusting because it greatly amused him. But knowing Braum, a lot of things greatly amused him. He and Lux are pretty much the memelords of the Institute.

Braum lived in a house in the city outskirts. It was a decent size, and it even had a field out back with goats. Braum's heart is way too big to leave his precious goaties behind. He'd also given me some spare clothes, made specifically for the winds of the Freljord. Despite Demacia's best efforts, they will never come close to Freljordian craftsmanship when it comes to winter clothes. The loose tunic and pants were a little big, because they belonged to Braum (I had to roll up the sleeves gods-know-how many times), but I could already feel myself getting warmer.

"That _is_ troubling." Braum mused as we sat in the kitchen, stroking his magnificent 'stache thoughtfully, before taking a sip from his mug of goat's milk. "And you have less than two months before Swain comes knocking with his army, yes?"

"That's right." I nodded. "I was hoping to see if Ashe and Tryndamere would be willing to lend a hand. Demacia's outnumbered at the moment, and we'll need all the help we can get."

"Hmm..." Braum hummed. "I would like nothing more than to aid you in this crisis, my friend. However, my duties are to the Freljord, and I am not so sure if Ashe and Tryndamere would help, seeing the animosity for the Barbarian Pacification."

I sighed. "Yeah, I know, but...I have to try. The only way that our two nations will get along is if we start helping each other out, so we might as well start now."

"True, true." Braum agreed. "Very well, I will be your ally in this crisis. What do you require of me, friend?"

"Just to give me your support when I go to see the King and Queen." I replied. "That should be convincing enough."

"Understood." Braum said, before giving a humorous smirk. "And I must say, friend, facial hair suits you to some degree."

"Oh, this?" I scratched at the thin beard growing along my jaw. "Yeah, it's alright, but it doesn't even come close to that _fabulous_ 'stache of yours. Mind if I get some tips?"

Braum gave a hearty laugh. "I may be generous, Helios, but one thing that I shall never give away is the secret to my mustache."

I pouted, but shrugged it off as something else came to mind. "Hey, by the way, what's this I hear about a coming war with the Winter's Claw? The guard at the gate mentioned it when I asked for entry."

The Heart of the Freljord sighed. "It's unfortunate, to be sure. Anivia has reported that Sejuani is arming her men on a massive scale, and will most likely move out in a few days at the most. There has been no word on what Lissandra is planning, but it is only a matter of time." Braum plopped himself down on a stool near the counter, his magnificent facial hair drooping slightly. "I am not an advocate of war, my friend. I would much rather we all cooperated to solve our many differences, but alas, some things never seem to change."

A vein bulged on my forehead. "I may have to have a little _chat_ with Sejuani once she comes knocking."

Braum let out a halfhearted chuckle. "If you could convince her to cease her assault, that would be a miraculous thing indeed. I am certain that Ashe and Tryndamere would be more than grateful should you succeed." Something clicked in my head just then. Braum was a simple man. He tended to offer simple (yet effective) solutions.

"Grateful enough to, say...help Demacia out?" I asked.

Braum straightened up, a wee little lightbulb going off in his head (again, simple) at my suggestion. "Possibly." Braum stroked his 'stache thoughtfully. Seriously, I was _massively_ jealous of how classy he looked while doing that. Stupid Braum, not wanting to give me tips.

"Then it's settled!" I stood up, pointing a finger in the air officiously. "Should Their Royal Frostinesses agree to assist my peeps, then I will assist in shoving a foot up Sejuani's chocolate dispenser!"

We were both silent for a few moments. "...What?" Braum asked.

I sighed, deadpanning. "It means I'll help kick her ass."

"Ah. Then why use choc-"

"Nevermindthatwehaveajobtodolet'sgowe'rewastingdaylight!" I dragged him out the door.

"Uh..." I stopped just outside. "Which way's the palace?"

Braum pointed to the massive building made of ice in the city center.

"Oh. Right. Figures."

* * *

As per the usual standard for grand entrances, I kicked down the doors to the throne room.

Braum was too nice to say no. Plus, the doors were made of ice. It wasn't like they couldn't be replaced.

You want to know what the best part of being me is? A lot of things that I do are things that people have to stop and think for a few minutes to understand. Unfortunately, their mental gears start springing loose when attempting to comprehend my randomness, so they don't have any other option but to roll with it. That's the key thing you need to remember when doing stuff that people usually don't approve of. It needs to be so random that they really don't know what to make of what the hell you just did, but harmless enough that they stop caring after a few minutes.

"What in the name of - what - I - don't even-" Ashe made a series of random gestures to the now de-doored doorway from her throne. Wait, is de-doored a word? Probably not, but it's too late, so we're just gonna have to deal with it.

See? Random, yet forgettable. You all have so much to learn.

Ashe sighed, slowly counting to ten with a hand on her forehead to calm the bulging vein on the surface. "I suppose that can be fixed." She straightened up, attempting to appear dignified, while the random citizen she was speaking with had rather suspicious-looking stains on both the front _and_ back of his pants. First time I'd ever accomplished something like that. It wasn't anything special, though. Sona once beat me to it by playing the Brown Note in the Institute of War's food court as a joke. I have yet to find a scene as beautiful as Malzahar furiously attempting to inconspicuously wipe his pants while muttering obscenities in Void. For a Prophet of Doom-Which-Is-Actually-The-Void-But-Akin-To-Doom, you would've thought he'd have seen the utter annihilation of his underwear coming.

"I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that you would arrive in such a way, Helios." Ashe commented. "But I'm afraid that you'll have to wait." She gestured to the still-cowering citizen, who I awkwardly waved to.

I would've protested, considering that the war against Noxus would _probably_ have a bigger impact overall, but then Tryndamere and I locked eyes.

Our eyes narrowed.

A smirk crossed my features.

Braum got his shield ready.

Ashe looked very confused.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

 _One._

Braum leaped into the air, before landing on his rear on the floor, his shield held up above him with both hands. I sprinted straight towards Tryndamere, the King of the Freljord mirroring this while unleashing a savage war cry. Ashe immediately got her bow ready, but soon stopped as she observed the outcome.

I dropped to a slide, my right arm extended in front of me. Tryndamere did the same with his, still yelling at the top of his lungs. In fairness, so was I, but Tryndamere was flexing his pecs as he did so, which looked really weird, not that Ashe was complaining.

(Oh, _quiet,_ Ashe, I saw the look on your face! Your drool was starting to freeze from your throne!)

We met where Braum was positioned, slamming our elbows down on his shield.

We then proceeded to engage in one of the most ancient, most _sacred_ forms of combat in the world.

Many wars, disputes and arguments had been settled like this.

For some, it was a form of art. For others, it was entertainment.

But most important of all, _it was a way for two guys to test their sheer strength._

Oh, and just because we both felt like it.

" _AAAAAAAARRRRRRMMMMM WWWWWRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSTTTTTTLLLLLLLLEEEEE!_ " The two of us shouted for no apparent reason, locked in a fierce battle. We began screaming wordlessly, our sheer manliness and testosterone causing the room to shudder. It was either that, or the room was cringing from how overly dramatic we were.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH_!" I screamed.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!_ " Tryndamere screamed.

" _POOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!_ "

" _STREEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNGGGGGGTTTTTTHHHHHH!_ "

" _MUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSCCCCCCLLLLLLLLLEEEEESSS!_ "

" _RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!_ "

" _THAT'S GODDAMN CLICHÉ OF YOU, TRYNDAMERE!_ "

" _I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS!_ "

" _IT MEANS...WELL...DAMN IT, HOW DO I EXPLAIN CLICHÉ?!_ "

" _I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT A DOCTOR!_ "

" _THAT REFERENCE LITERALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ARM-WRESTLING MATCH WE'RE HAVING!_ "

" _WHAT REFERENCE?!_ "

" _I DON'T KNOW! I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL BECAUSE THE READERS WOULD IMMEDIATELY CRITICIZE THE AUTHOR FOR NOT TAKING THIS STORY SERIOUSLY EVEN THOUGH IT ISN'T REALLY SUPPOSED TO BE SERIOUS!_ "

" _...I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID, BUT USING MY BRAIN I'M GOING TO SAY THAT YOU MEAN WE SHOULD BREAK DOWN THE WALLS OF THE PALACE LIBRARY AFTER THIS!_ "

" _WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET THAT IDEA?!_ "

" _I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT A DOCTOR!_ "

" _OH MY GODS, TRYNDAMERE, WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT REFERENCES?! SHUT UP!_ "

" _YOU SHUT UP!_ "

" _I SAID IT FIRST!"_

" _FINE, BUT HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME SHUT UP?!_ "

" _BY KICKING YOUR ASS AT ARM WRESTLING!_ "

" _OH YEAH?!_ "

" _YEAH!_ "

" _YOU'LL HAVE TO BEAT ME FIRST!_ "

" _WAY TO STATE THE OBVIOUS, TRYNDAMERE!_ "

" _THANK YOU!_ "

" _IT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT, YOU DUMBASS!_ "

" _THEN I'M GONNA KICK YOUR AAAAAASSSSS!_ "

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!_ "

" _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!_ "

The room continued to shake, both of our eyes glowing with power and manliness as we strained against each other's palms. Mine were glowing because of my fire clichés, and Tryndamere's were glowing because of that whole "Rage-Mode" thing he has going on.

We continued screaming, Braum straining to support the sheer power of our testosterone. At any moment, one of us was going to cave in, and we shouted together for one last time in anticipation of the fight's climax.

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-**_ "

Then, simultaneously, we both farted.

It would appear that we both clenched too hard.

The two of us fell silent.

We both blinked a few times.

Braum blinked a few times.

Ashe blinked a few times.

The still-unnamed citizen with stained pants blinked a few times.

Tryndamere and I didn't smell the massive invisible gas clouds, because we were noseblind to that sort of thing, but we both reeked of Shame.

We bowed our heads, embarrassed that we had let things go so far.

Then, as customary for an honorable combatant to do, I smashed Tryndamere's hand into Braum's shield once he was distracted.

" _HAHAHAHA YEAH!_ " I whooped, krumping in celebration. Because what better way to show your awesomeness, right?

" _NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_ " Tryndamere lamented, falling to his knees as he bellowed at the sky. " _THAT WAS MY RIGHT ARM, TOO!_ "

" _YOU SUCK, TRYN!_ " I laughed, pointing at him in the customary tradition of a gloating asshole. " _YOU'VE GOT FLAB FOR MUSCLE, DO YOU HEAR ME?! **FLAB!**_ **"**

" _Tryn, honey._ " Ashe sweetly said. " _Get your ass back in your chair._ "

Tryndamere sighed. "Yes, dear." He replied, dragging his sorry behind back to his throne. Ashe and Tryndamere's relationship was kind of bizarre. Not only had they found love despite being total opposites, but Ashe usually wound up cleaning up after Tryn's antics, specifically his hobbies as a manly man's manly man. Our intense arm-wrestling sessions, for one. Tryn was one of the only people strong enough to actually make me work for my money. His anger is remarkable like that. And his testosterone. Ashe could testify to that, if you catch my drift.

( _Oooooooowwwwww,_ Ashe! It's not nice to smack people over the head with a bow made of ice!

No, it being made of ice doesn't numb the pain. So, y'know, how dare you.)

"I'm terribly sorry, but it seems that we're going to have to cut our conversation short." Ashe told Mr. Stainy Pants. "I'll have one of my officials tend to the issue regarding the state of your livestock." Stainy Pants bowed, then exited the room.

"This had better be important, Helios." Ashe said, gripping the arms of her throne. "So, with that in mind, what brings you to Frostheld?"

I opened my mouth to speak.

* * *

"No." Ashe said.

"Please?" I asked.

"No."

"Pretty please?"

" _No._ "

"What do you want from me, woman, the cherry on top? I'm planning on eating that."

"I could go for a barrel of cherries right now." Tryndamere grumbled.

"No to both of those." Ashe replied.

" _Aaaaaaaaaawwwwww._ " We both whined.

"Come on, Ashe, what's the issue?" I asked. "Are you _really_ saying that you can't spare at least a _few_ of your men? Demacia's clock is ticking, and we _really_ need the support."

Ashe sighed. "It's because-"

"Was it the whole 'Barbarian Pacification' thing?" I asked, wincing apologetically. "Admittedly, and it's easy for me to say this, yes, that was a bad move on Demacia's part. The King was a real asshat to turn your refugees away. But Jarvan's a lot more reasonable, and I'm sure he'd be willing to patch things up if you just gave him a chance!"

"It's not that." Ashe replied. "I'm fully aware that Jarvan is more compassionate and understanding than his father, and I would normally be more than happy to lend assistance. However, we have our own matters to attend to. Sejuani is preparing for war, and gods know what Lissandra's planning with the Frostguard. Helios..." Ashe winced. "I'm sorry, but with everything that's going on, my answer is no."

I sighed. "Fair enough." I replied. "I trust that at the very least you won't offer support to Noxus?"

"Hell no." Tryndamere growled. "If they so much as _try_ to make an offer, I'll tear each and every one of them apart."

I nodded, accepting his answer. "I guess I'll see you around, then."

I turned to leave, only to be blocked by Braum. "What?" I asked. "You knew this might happen."

"Aren't you forgetting something, Helios?" He said.

I tilted my head to one side, confused.

He coughed. "Your _offer?_ "

"Huh?" I asked, before slapping my forehead in realization. "Oh, now I remember! I forgot for a second, there!"

I whirled right back around. "What if you two didn't _have_ to deal with Sejuani and Lissandra?"

Ashe's interest was piqued, from what I could see. "You have our attention."

"You guys are having trouble with the Winter's Claw and Frostguard, right?" I asked. "What if I helped you...smack them around a little? You know, intimidate them?"

Tryndamere broke out into hysterical guffaws, but soon stopped under the Death Glares of his wife and I. "What? He actually thinks he can scare Sejuani and Lissandra!" He protested.

"Not 'scare,' per se." I replied. "I might actually be able to convince Sejuani to stop her assault entirely."

Ashe snorted. "If you could do _that,_ the entire Avarosan tribe would march with you to aid in Demacia's defense." She clicked her tongue in thought. "But what of Lissandra?"

"The Frozen Watchers are scared shitless of me." I deadpanned. "She'll roll over and show her tummy if I berate her hard enough."

Ashe paused, eyes darting around the floor as she looked down, considering her options. Tryndamere just waited for her to finish. He wasn't really one for stratagems. Braum nervously fiddled with his fabulous mustache, and no, I will never stop describing it that way because it would be an insult to Braum's glorious facial hair.

"Alright, then. I'll make you a deal." Ashe said after a while. "If what you say is true, if Sejuani would really listen to you, and if the Frozen Watchers are truly...scared shitless of you (her face scrunched up a little at the phrasing), then..." She sucked in a breath. "I will consider lending Demacia our assistance."

I bowed. "Appreciate that, Your Majesty." I straightened up. "I'll leave immediately."

Tryndamere scoffed. "Not in _those,_ you aren't." He gestured to my traveling gear, which I'd put back on just before making my way to the palace.

"What?" I tugged at the fabric. "What's wrong with them?"

"For one thing, they're torn and ragged." Ashe replied. "They're more likely to fall apart than keep you warm." She admittedly had a point. I was shivering, and it wasn't even cold. "I imagine that Demacia provided you with those?"

"Yeah." I shrugged. "They were fine when I first got 'em, but they can only take so much."

"We'll have to get you some _real_ winter gear, then." Tryndamere smirked. "I think we might have something your size."

"Do I...get to look like a Viking?" I asked.

"More or less." Ashe replied.

"Then _hell yes._ "

* * *

And oh _daddy,_ was my new outfit cool!

Gleaming silver plating inscribed with images of snarling wolves, very well insulated material, and a thick cloak with fur around the shoulders made me look like an all-around badass. It was a hella lot warmer than my previous choice of clothing, and most importantly, it looked _awesome._

"Ugh." I grimaced, looking out over the frozen wastelands of the northern Freljord. "Why exactly does Sejuani favor a place like this again?"

Braum shrugged. "I cannot say. Sejuani has always been rather...particular...about the importance of strength."

Sejuani was kind of...sort of...obsessed with proving that strength was all you needed. She'd grown up in rough conditions, and the experience had hardened her. She had a habit of calling Ashe a pansy back at the Institute, and nobody dared contradict her. She had a pet boar on steroids that ate meat. Ain't nobody gonna mess with that.

She and the Winter's Claw lived out in the Freljord's frozen wastes, where the land was nothing but ice, snow, and a whole lotta pain. I myself was currently standing in a foot and a half of snow, Braum beside me as I surveyed the area. He'd volunteered to come along, and I wasn't about to say no. Even the Winter's Claw didn't like to mess with Braum. For one thing, they couldn't, as their facial hair was nowhere near as fantabulous.

"Which way to Glaserport?" I asked.

Braum pointed to my left, his mustache flapping jubilantly in the howling winds. "Just a little further, and we should reach it."

"I swear, we had better be going the right way." I grumbled, lazily kicking up snow. "There is no way in hell that I'm wandering all over the Freljord just to find a bunch of pigs."

"It shouldn't be much longer." Braum assured me. "Anivia's directions were very precise."

I just rolled my eyes. "Alright, if you say so."

The two of us wandered through the snow for a solid two hours afterwards (Braum's definition of "just a little bit further" was clearly different from mine), with me grumbling the whole way. I was _beyond_ annoyed, because Sejuani just _loved_ to make things difficult for people, didn't she?

"That's it. Sejuani's gonna get a spanking when I reach her." I muttered. "I'm _done._ "

A slight crunch in the snow made me freeze in my tracks, no pun intended. I motioned for Braum to stop, while I listened to the howl of the wind. I peered through the wall of frigid air in front of me.

Out of nowhere, three massive boars lunged, each one bearing a Winter's Claw on their backs. They tore up the snow as they charged, one warrior swinging a mace on a chain made of ice. Another hefted a spear, and the third bore a sword fashioned from bone.

"Death to the weak! Death to the Avarosan!" One roared from behind his mask, in the shape of a boar's head. Typical.

Braum and I took an exasperated look at each other. We really couldn't be bothered at the moment.

Approximately seventeen seconds later, three boars and their riders faceplanted in a nearby snowdrift, out cold. Go figure, right? Out cold?

Laughter, anyone?

No?

Fine.

* * *

Veins were bulging in my forehead anime-style (A surprising luxury from Ionia) as we finally trudged into Glaserport, with its massive chained Wolfships.

Winter's Claw littered the area, lounging with their boars, sharpening weapons, and a lot of other things that made them seem like brutish thugs, which they were. One in particular was seated on a throne in the center of the village, or whatever it is you call a residence area for lunatics. The chair was draped with animal hide, multiple boars and dimwits surrounding it. The ever-so-intimidating woman seated upon it was having a discussion with Volibear, while numerous Ursines mingled with the various warriors and meatheads.

"Sejuani!" I shouted, marching straight towards her.

"Here we go." Braum sighed.

Bristle growled as he sat at Sejuani's side, alerted to my presence. Several Winter's Claw (can we get them a shorter name?) moved hands to their weapons, but a halting gesture from their leader prevented them from going any further than that.

"Get your ass over here, pig!" I demanded, pointing down at the ground in front of me.

Bristle snarled, baring his teeth (and those rather sharp-looking tusks of his, more importantly).

"I wasn't talking to _you,_ Bristle." I glowered.

* * *

 _ **Spanking Time! :D**_


	24. I Butt Heads With A Pig

_**We be back again, guys and gals, and once again we're here with a new chapter for y'all! Last time, Helios had called Sejuani out, and was prepping for a smackdown. You can probably guess the outcome, but not the surprise twist at the end! Oooooo, mystery! Anyways, I hope you've all been enjoying how things are going with my story. I've been seeing fewer reviews lately, which is a tad bit worrying, but that's probably because there's nothing that would spark the need to review, so :P**_

 _ **HOWEVER! I have a request to make!**_

 ** _We've already hit over 100 reviews on this magnificent adventure, which is AWESOME. Once again, congratulations to GrezzWizard for officially getting us to triple digits! But now, the next phase of the journey begins! Can we hit 100 followers and 100 favorites? Well, can we? Join me on my journey to get this story to triple digits all the way around! Can we do it? Let's find out!_**

 ** _On today's agenda for the chapter: Helios kicks Sejuani off her pig, talks her down, surprise twist happens that screws everything up, Helios has to deal with it using his fists, and then temporarily gets a new toy for reasons-which-will-be-made-evident-once-you-start-reading, which is now._**

* * *

Not only was I smack-dab in the center of her territory, but I was completely surrounded by the Winter's Claw.

...Wait, just forgot, I'm OP, never mind. I was gonna talk the talk and walk the walk, and look _fabulous_ doing so.

I was pretty ticked at Sejuani for having the balls to declare war when Noxus was advancing on all of our asses. Sometimes I wonder if she actually _has_ balls. She's like Illaoi. She's the manly man's manly _woman._

(Olaf was about to offer clarification, but now Sejuani's got him by the ear and dragging him out of the library. Shame that I'm too busy with writing this. I would've followed with a camera.)

"Helios." She grunted. "I don't remember inviting you in."

"Well, a few of your guys tried to turn me and Braum into mincemeat on the way in, if that helps." I offered. "They're currently buried in snow a few miles from here."

Sejuani gave an amused huff. "You're clearly pissed."

"Damn right." I replied, stepping up closer. "I've got half a mind to kick your ass right here, right now."

"And _I've_ got half a mind to feed you to my boar." Sejuani said, standing up. "I don't like uninvited guests."

"Does it look like I care?" I asked. "I made the world, so if anything _you're_ standing on _my_ property."

"Then perhaps it's time for a hostile takeover." Sejuani replied, grabbing her whip and stepping closer.

"Oh, you wanna go?" I asked, drawing my axe. "I could beat Volibear senseless with my bare hands if I wanted to, and you want to fight me with a sharp string and an oversized slice of ham?"

"That _oversized slice of ham_ could tear you in two with his tusks, so I'd suggest you hold your tongue." She snapped. The two of us were taking our time advancing, weapons in hand. Dramatic effect, and all that.

"Or what? You'll kill me?" I retorted. "Just to forewarn you, the sun might explode if that happens, so I wouldn't recommend trying."

"The sun has little impact here. I couldn't care less if it was destroyed." Sejuani replied. Ban. Ter. For _dayz._

"Like how you couldn't care less if the Avarosan are all slaughtered?" I fired back. "You'll have to excuse me if I'm starting to like the idea of handing your ass to you."

"The Avarosan are nothing but weak, so _you'll_ have to excuse _me_ if I'm arming myself for war." Sejuani's eyes narrowed.

"Then I guess I've got no choice but to shove my blade up your ass, huh?" I fingered the edge delicately.

"If I don't hang you by the neck with my whip first." Sejuani said.

We got right up in each other's faces, our weapons at the ready. My gaze was smoldering (literally; my eyes catch fire along with my hair when I'm in a mood), while Sejuani's was as cold and unwavering as, well...ice. I should've bought a manual for planet-making back when I was a star so that I could figure out how to prevent environmental clichés.

Volibear's arms crackled with electricity. Bristle pawed the ground, bristling (sorry, just had to get that one in there). Braum readied his shield, while the Winter's Claw unsheathed their weapons.

Sejuani and I both tensed, looking like we were about to strike...

Then chuckled and _smiled._

"Still using that ridiculous helmet to cover your thick skull, eh Sejuani?" I asked, the fire in my eyes (minus the left, for established reasons) dissipating.

"And _you're_ still an asshole." Sejuani replied, snorting. We raised our free hands, clasping them tightly in a sort of warrior's handshake. You know, minus the shake, because it'd look ridiculous. *Sigh* You know what, forget it. You get the idea.

"Says the lady who fed Bristle bacon bites." I scoffed.

" _One time._ " Sejuani protested. I rolled my eyes with a grin.

"Lower your weapons." Sejuani commanded her warriors. "The Dawn Incarnate and Heart of the Freljord are our guests." She briefly shot me a look. "For now."

* * *

You were expecting a smackdown, weren't you? Don't worry, just wait, it's coming.

Sure, Sejuani would rip your head off if you so much as looked at her funny, but she has enough decency to treat her friends the right way. She isn't heartless. She has a bit of a thing for poros, but her men don't know that. It would make her look weak if word got out that she loved to snuggle with balls of fluff.

"So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" Sejuani asked, setting her helmet down on a rough-looking chair near the fireplace in her home. Despite a belief that strength was all you needed, Sejuani wasn't stupid. She knew that it wasn't a good idea to deny yourself a chance to relax. The human body can only go on for so long without resting.

"What's this I hear about a war with the Avarosan?" I asked, placing my axe near the door. "I mean, _really,_ Sej? Now, of all times, when I've got a war with Noxus to handle?"

Sejuani's brow furrowed as she sat down in a chair. "I haven't made any such declaration. What makes you so certain?"

"Anivia's _seen_ you gearing up!" I replied. "What's with the sudden increase in weaponry, huh? Sounds a lot like a war to _me._ "

Sejuani sighed. "Yes, it's true, I've been increasing armaments for the Winter's Claw. However, it isn't for a war." She hummed. "Not with Ashe, at least."

"Oh, no?" I replied. "Care to explain what it _is_ for, then?"

Sejuani was silent. I lightly tapped one foot against the wooden floor, waiting.

"In three days, I'll move out with my men to Frostheld, and challenge Ashe for the right to rule the Freljord." She said, lazily stroking the back of a poro that had clambered up onto the chair. Not only did she like poros, but she secretly kept a few as pets. She just couldn't resist those eyes.

"Say _what?_ " I replied, a look of shocked disbelief passing over my features. "What for? I mean, I knew that you were going to do something like this eventually, but I always assumed you'd just try to win the title of Queen in a war."

"In other circumstances, I would've done just that." She replied. "However, as you said before, there's currently a war with Noxus underway. I plan to challenge Ashe in a one-on-one battle, and should I win, mobilize the united Freljord against Noxus." She briefly scowled. "I plan to _personally_ demonstrate to Jericho Swain what happens when a hostile army invades my homeland. They're already at the border, but they'll go no further."

I hummed in response, thinking over her answer. It was pretty tempting to just let it happen, to say the least. If Sejuani won, I'd have pretty much the entire Freljord at my back to help me fight. However, the same would be true if Ashe won, which complicated things immensely. Theoretically, I could just wait things out until an actual Queen had emerged from the showdown, but I honestly preferred Ashe's ideology over Sejuani's. So, the question was whether to take a gamble and let the two of them slap each other into submission, or to try and convince Sejuani to temporarily work alongside Ashe for the good of the Freljord.

And you know me, since I'm OP, I like a good challenge, so what the hell, I was going for door number two.

"Listen...Sej." I huffed, folding my arms. "Under normal circumstances, I'd be grateful that you're willing to help me out on this. _But..._ " I sucked air in through my teeth. "I _kind of_ don't have time to wait for you and Ashe to 'settle your differences.' I'd rather that you work with her to shove an icicle up Noxus's asshole. I mean, couldn't you two cooperate for _at least_ a little while?"

Sejuani shook her head. "Ashe lacks the strength needed to keep the Freljord in line. She has no experience when it comes to the art of war. If anyone's going to wage war against Noxus for even _daring_ to approach the border, it'll be me."

"I think you're underestimating her." I raised an eyebrow.

" _I think_ you're _overestimating_ her." Sejuani shot back.

"Didn't she once nail you right between the eyes when you were riding full-speed on the Rift?" I gave a sly smile.

"Lucky shot." She grumbled.

"Sej, she shot you from a hundred meters away. _From a diagonal angle._ " I deadpanned. "That's not luck. Sure, she might not like to bash heads in up close and personal like you do, but she's still an impressive fighter. Even you can admit that."

Sejuani rolled her eyes. "Alright, _fine,_ I suppose I can respect her for that. But why would she make a better leader than I, hmm? What makes you think that she would make a better queen?"

"Well, for starters, there's the fact that you _pillage_ and _destroy_ villages you deem _unworthy of survival._ " I made quotation marks in the air with my hands at the last part of the sentence. "Ashe, on the other hand, is willing to accept _anyone_ who wants to live at Frostheld." I shrugged. "The majority of the people in the Freljord aren't nearly as strong and fierce as you are, so that factor isn't really going to help your argument."

Sejuani's eyes narrowed. She didn't like my answer, but it wasn't necessarily _wrong,_ either. Good leaders had to be accepting of everyone who lived in their kingdom, regardless of background and merit. Especially when they made up the majority. If Sejuani's ideology didn't go over well with her potential future subjects, they could easily overthrow her. They outnumbered her several million to one, after all.

"Look." I sighed. "A lot of people support Ashe because even though strength is important for war, it isn't really good for much else. No one wants to negotiate with a kingdom that's incredibly intimidating. It's part of the reason why Mordekaiser's had so much trouble getting the Shadow Isles to interact with the rest of the world. Cooperation, a level head and an open mind are what the Freljord _really_ needs."

"I'm not saying you have to stop challenging Ashe for the right to rule the Freljord." I continued. "You don't even have to directly work with each other to fight Noxus. All I ask is that you two fight Noxus instead of each other, without getting in each other's way. After we win..." I shrugged. "You two can do whatever. From that point on it won't be my business."

Sejuani didn't reply, furrowing her brow and staring at her clasped hands. From a spectator's point of view, she actually looked pretty good without the helmet. If things didn't work out between her and Olaf for some reason, she could probably snag a guy as easy as it was for her to beat Volibear at wrestling, which, by her standards, is pretty damn easy.

"Well?" I asked. "I don't have all day, Sejuani. You need to make a decision _now._ "

"...Fine." A small puff of frosty air exhaled from Sejuani's nose, due to the temperature. It kinda looked like Shyvana puffing out smoke when she was in a mood. "I'll hold off on my challenge. But _only_ until Noxus is defeated." She fixed me with a ridiculously (almost hilariously) intense glare. "Got it?"

I held up both hands. "Absolutely." I smirked. "Now that we're officially in business, which I greatly appreciate, so thanks, shall we get ourselves a drink to celebrate? If I know Gragas, he's probably left some brew for you guys once or twi-"

The sound of wood splintering and snapping interrupted my plans involving alcohol, followed by the sound of something clattering across the floor.

"Hm?" Sejuani looked down as the sudden inanimate intruder nudged her foot. I followed her gaze to see a round canister made out of various scraps of technology, with a few tubes filled with glowing green liquid jammed through the cracks. The whole thing let out a slight, high-pitched whine, steadily getting louder.

In the few seconds that followed, I realized a few things after my brain started to kick into high gear.

One: that thing was most likely intended for Sejuani specifically.

Two: it probably _wasn't_ a present from a secret admirer.

Three: judging by the beep at the end of the high-pitched whine, I had a few milliseconds at the most.

There was a bright flash, then a rush of heat as the Zaunite chemical bomb exploded.

Normally, Sejuani would've been screwed.

But, since she was with _me,_ and I was not only warm, but capable of moving at approximately the speed of light, she was fine.

The bomb took the appearance of a slowly expanding, burning bubble of fire, as the world slowed to a crawl around me, the familiar dull whine and crackle of plasma bolts flickering into existence around me. I lunged forward, grabbing Sejuani and making a break for the door. I smashed through the wood and into the frigid air outside, wincing as wooden splinters cut into my skin. The things I did for my friends...

I allowed my personal view of the world to speed up again, watching as Sejuani's house erupted in a blast of flame. It sounded fairly expensive.

"Oh..." I grimaced, as the two of us took in the sight. "That's gonna take a while to replace, isn't it?"

Exclamations of shock and warning cries alerted us to the problem at hand. We turned around to see Winter's Claw haphazardly attempting to get to cover as arrows rained down from the skies. Several fell to the ground, coated in blood as their lungs, hearts and foreheads respectively were pierced.

"The hell...?" I murmured, drawing my axe and surveying the area for the hidden attackers. A sharp whistling to my right alerted me to the imminent threat, and I whipped a hand out to catch the arrow just before the shaft buried itself in my neck. I threw the projectile back in the direction it had originated from, hearing the sharp sound of a target being struck shortly after. I ran towards the sound, twisting and weaving as necessary to avoid incoming arrows.

I eventually found the body of my assailant, lying in a puddle of his own blood, splayed out like a snow-angel. Silly corpse. You weren't supposed to fool around in the middle of an ambush!

I squatted down, turning over the body and looking over whatever details I could find. The attacker himself was unimportant, it wasn't like he was still kicking or anything.

It was what he was wearing, and the type of bow that he was using that made my blood run cold and sweat to trickle down my brow.

We were being attacked by... _Avarosan?_

"For the Freljord!" A distant voice bellowed, followed by another hail of arrows. I dove to the side, hiding behind a nearby house as the onslaught continued. This _definitely_ didn't make any sense. Dammit, Ashe, what the hell? Did you get impatient or something? You had _one job,_ compadre, and you _ruined it!_...Well, actually, as Queen of the Freljord, you have a lot of jobs, but still! Really pissed!

I peeked around the corner once the sharp screeching stopped, pulling myself to my feet. I hefted my axe, ready to defend the Winter's Claw if necessary. This was _completely_ uncalled for. I didn't care what I'd promised Ashe, I get cranky when someone screws up my temporary peace negotiations.

A sudden lash of a whip across the snow in front of me, however, prevented me from advancing on Ashe's Shit-Squad (I am _so_ copyrighting that).

" _You._ " A very familiar and _very_ pissed off voice growled, making the hairs on my neck stand rigid. " _You_ did this." I ever-so-slowly and ever-so-nervously turned around, greeted with the sight of Sejuani giving me the Death Glare, and this time, actually hoping to inflict death. Sejuani looked hurt, betrayed, and ready to flay someone alive, which was most likely going to be me.

"I should've known this was your plan." Sejuani snarled (and actually sounded like it too; I think that Bristle had been giving her lessons). "You were just waiting for me to let my guard down, weren't you? Was that what Ashe was hoping for all along? To lure me into an agreement of peace, then slaughter my men?" She let out a shrill whistle, her boar charging to her side, while at the same time impaling multiple Avarosan on his tusks.

" _Winter's Claw, kill the Avarosan! Kill Helios and Braum!_ " Sejuani roared as she mounted Bristle. " _No one leaves here alive!_ "

Aw, _hell._

* * *

I should've expected that something like this would happen.

I mean, _really,_ why did I think that all it would take was to convince Sejuani to stand down for a bit? It's almost never that easy for me.

"Er, Sejuani?" I said, nervous. "Let's just calm down for a second. This isn't what it looks like."

" _Liar!_ " She barked in reply. "The evidence proves the contrary! And now..." She nudged Bristle in my direction, brandishing her whip.

"Your _life_ shall be the price for your betrayal." Sejuani urged Bristle forward at a full sprint, a savage war cry bellowing from her lungs.

"Sejuani, wait, really, can we just talk about this?" I yelped as I dodged to the left, narrowly avoiding Bristle's tusks. Sejuani didn't stop there, though, lashing out with her whip as her boar attempted to pull his tusks out of the house he had just impaled. My head snapped to the side as one strike lashed me across the cheek, drawing a considerable amount of blood. I briefly felt a hand to the cut, grimacing at my now blood-soaked fingers.

"Okay..." I scowled, cracking my neck and rolling my shoulders as Bristle finally pulled his tusks from the house. "You wanna play _that_ game, huh, Sej?" I stood up, wincing from the pain in my cheek. "Fine. Let's play."

Sejuani charged again, but just like the first time, I sidestepped out of the way. She attempted to beat my ass with her whip again, but I was ready for her this time. Well, not _entirely_ ready, granted, because blocking a whip with an axe is hard, but I managed.

Have you ever watched a matador fight a bull? I'd highly recommend it. It's fun to watch.

Now imagine doing it with a ridiculously large pig, riding an even bigger boar. Oh, and the pig has a whip. I wasn't even wearing red. The fight shouldn't have started in the first place with that factor in mind. The two of us started playing a game of cat-and-mouse matador style, consisting of Sejuani lashing out with a whip, charging with Bristle, and throwing bolas in an attempt to ensnare me. The problem Sejuani had was that she preferred to fight in open environments, as she was strongest paired with Bristle. In closed spaces, such as, say, the encampment we were currently in, her mobility and fighting ability became severely limited.

In the background, I could see Braum taking on Olaf and Volibear simultaneously out of the corner of my eye, refusing to budge an inch as their attacks rebounded off his shield. He looked just as confused by the assault as I was, if not more so. I _really_ didn't want to fight Sejuani for real, but as this point it looked like I had no choice. If I was going to get her to think rationally, I had to beat it into her thick skull.

When Sejuani turned around for what would be her final charge, I made my move. I ran at a sprint towards her boat, momentarily sheathing my axe on my back. Using a trick that Nidalee once taught me (for what I had previously assumed had been no reason at all) back in my Kumungu days, I sprung upwards, twisting my body so that my upper body was facing away from Sejuani with my legs aimed at her chest. She was forced from Bristle's hide from the impact, sprawling through the snow.

"Sorry about this, Bristle." I said. "This'll hurt, by you'll be out of commission for a while at the most, so..." I shrugged, then slammed my fist into Bristle's forehead, the only form of protection for his rather tiny brain. I winced at the sharp _crack_ that followed, indicating that bones had developed a few cracks. Bristle slumped to the ground, lifeless.

I grunted in pain as I felt the lash of a whip across my spine, feeling the edges rip through the armor Ashe had provided me and take across my skin. "You know wh- I've just about _had_ it with your antics!" I growled, reaching out to smack my knuckles into Sejuani's left cheek. She fell to her hands and knees, her helmet flying off.

"I didn't have _anything_ to do with this!" I snapped. "Granted, I just kicked you off your pig and punched you in the face which is a really bad way of showing my innocence but believe me we're still friends even though I just kicked your ass and I should probably stop talking because I'm only making things worse!"

"This isn't Ashe's way of doing things." I insisted. "She _always_ attempts to make peace, _multiple times_ might I add, before resorting to combat as a last option. She wouldn't attack without provocation, and she certainly wouldn't use Zaunite-" I stopped.

"-Chemical bombs." I slapped a palm to my face, groaning at the clever yet utterly stereotypical way the Winter's Claw had been duped. "Swain, you clever, cliché-spewing bastard." I swore a string of obscenities at my idiocy. "Sej, we're going to have to get your men back under control, because we've been duped by Sw-"

A loud beep interrupted my declaration of "Let's stop fighting because it's stupid." Stupid beep. Did no one teach sounds manners? I mean, in Ionia it's actually polite to burp after a meal, but regardless. I looked down to see an arrow lodged in the ice, fixed with some sort of Zaunite doodad. As most stories go, guess what it was.

"Oh, joy." I grumbled. "A reference to Chapter Six."

(AN: Hey, don't blame me, man. I wasn't the one who shot that thing.)

"Aren't you the one writing this?"

(AN: ...Oh. Right. Yeah, I guess I am. Well, sue me, not only is it hard to write combat scenes and make them look cool, it's doubly hard to come up with good transition sequences.)

"Maybe the film thing wouldn't be such a bad idea..." I mused.

(AN: Hey, no future references. You aren't supposed to know about that yet.)

"Oops. Sorry." I sweatdropped.

" _HELIOS, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!_ " Sejuani screamed. " _IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, WE'RE FALLING TO OUR DEATHS!_ "

"Ah, right. Explosive arrow made a giant crevice which we are currently falling through. My bad, the author can be so distracting sometimes." I replied, poker-faced.

(AN: Asshole.)

"Dick."

" _WHAT THE HELL, HELIOS?!_ " Sejuani screamed again.

"Wasn't talking to you, sorry."

* * *

Is anyone keeping track of how many times I've blacked out? I swear, at this point it's become my most frequent habit. Why does the human body have to be so vulnerable? Why can't people just take a fall, say "ow, that hurt" and move on with their lives? My body loves to inconvenience me at the worst times, it really does.

Anyhoo, once I came to I found myself faceplanted in a pile of snow, which explained why I could hardly feel my face. Sejuani lay on one side next to me, unresponsive, even when I reluctantly poked her behind. Jayce did that once on accident. For weeks afterward, no one could find his hammer. He wouldn't say where it went, either, but certain rumors implied that Sejuani had in fact forced him to swallow it. Don't even ask on how she managed to do that.

Turning over to somewhat comfortably chill on my back (heh, chill!), I discovered that our presumed point of entry had been frozen over, sealed with a slab of Pure Ice. Odd. It typically didn't manifest that fast. The ice was so thick that little to no sunlight was filtering through, so not only was I trapped underground, but I could barely see a thing.

"Great." I deadpanned at nothing in particular. " _Juuuuuust_ great."

I sighed, taking a few moments to observe the surrounding area. A narrow opening in the wall ahead gave way to a tunnel through the ice, so at the very least I could get moving once I decided to get off my lazy ass.

"Alright, Sej, shall we?" I asked her, receiving no reply. "We don't have much of a choice, so we might as well, eh?"

I stood up, fingers fumbling for my axe, which faintly glowed in the dim light a few feet in front of me. Grabbing it in one hand, I looped an arm around Sejuani's waist, hefting her up to rest on my shoulder.

"Oof." I puffed out both cheeks. "What did you _eat,_ Sej? Even with super-strength you're heavy." I pointed down to my chiseled abs through my clothing. "Some help _you_ turned out to be."

I trudged down the small slope with Sejuani in tow, using my axe as a makeshift torch. To my dismay, the opening in the ice was only big enough for one person, which meant I was going to have to shove her through.

"Nature, you're such a dick." I said, carefully placing Sejuani's head through the hole in the wall. Luckily, she'd lost her helmet, otherwise I'd have blacked out again out of despair. Unfortunately, she was a bit of a tight squeeze.

"You and your need..for muscles...is really...not helping." I said, shoving against Sejuani's body multiple times as I tried to force her through the crack. With a loud _pop,_ she was out the other side.

"Okay, now that we've got that part done..." I attempted to make myself as thin as possible. "Let's see if we can't squeeze through ourselves."

My armor didn't really make it easy. I couldn't even fit my head and shoulders in, much less my torso. I had to force the crack wider with my man-strength, then sing a lullaby to the cavern when it started to shake afterwards.

"Well, that wasn't so hard, now was it?" I patted Sejuani's rear twice in a little show of affection as we continued. The tunnel got wider as we progressed, and more light ws available too.

I whistled appreciatively as I exited the tunnel, taking in the impressive sight before me. "Damn, Sej. And to think this place was hiding underneath your pad all along..." I said.

The two of us had come out into what appeared to be some sort of weapons vault. A _Freljordian_ weapons vault. Pieces of armor and weapons lay scattered around the hall, ice sculptures of ancient Freljordian warriors lining the walls. Racks of swords, spears, axes, etc. littered the area, which was about as big as the entire city of Demacia. Some statues were even as tall as the Citadel of Dawn.

A groan from my shoulder meant that Sejuani had woken up. "...Where...?" Sejuani moaned, before realizing he position. "Hey! Put me down!" She ordered. In reply, I turned a full one-eighty, letting her take in the view.

"By the winds of the Freljord..." She let out in little more than a whisper. "This must be an old Weapons Crypt of the Frozen Watchers, back when they still reigned."

"Fill me in as we go." I said, setting her down. "We need to catch up with the others."

"Forward, _march!_ " I made an unnecessarily grand gesture towards the crypt, starting off at a stride. I stopped, however, when I realized that Sejuani wasn't following.

"Well?" I raised an eyebrow. "You should've figured out by now that those guys from earlier were Noxians in disguise, so there's no need to be suspicious."

Sejuani hesitated, then followed.

The problem we ended up having? The place was a _maze._

The walls stretched up into hallways that went in just about every direction, and they all looked identical. No matter where we went, we never seemed to be making any real progress. We just went _on_ and _on_ and _on_ for hours on end, and it was very unlikely that we were getting out anytime soon. It wasn't a very good bonding experience for Sejuani and I, either, as she was still in a gruff silence. Great. She wouldn't even talk to me while I was slowly dying of boredom. I was about ready to just end myself.

At least, until we found the sword.

I couldn't tell you when it happened. I wasn't really paying attention; too focused on griping that we were lost. One moment I was about to forcefully incinerate my brain, the next, well...dang. There it was. The faint blue chill of Pure Ice emanated from the weapon, sheathed in its pedestal in a circular room of dark marble. At first glance, it appeared to be the only thing in there, but multiple rooms of similar size and shape behind it revealed other fun toys, each one the sole occupant of its container.

Judging by the sheer badassery radiating from each one, we'd gotten to the _good stuff._ Jinx would've nerdgasmed if she saw it.

Now, at first, you'd groan at the prospect of a magic sword. How many of those are there out in the world, right? They could at least go for some originality. _But,_ that wasn't the case with _this_ bad boy. It wasn't one of those flimsy, one-handed swords that are more likely to snap like a twig than do any real damage, like Fiora's rapier, Scarlet-

(Fiora, stop ranting at me in Demacian. It was a _joke._ )

No sir, this was one of the _cool_ swords. Two-handed, required chiseled abs and pecs to wield properly, with a blade as long as you were tall, oh, _daddy!_ The blade itself wasn't as broad as Garen's sword, but it was longer, and still twice the width of a regular blade. The material wasn't anything to laugh at, either. Metal infused with Pure Ice? That's some powerful stuff. The blade was thinner near the simple, black pommel (I mean, really, the blade's all you need to look at, right?), but expanded outward and developed a slight serrated edge from that point on.

I didn't realize I was drooling until the liquid froze on my chin, leaving me with what looked like a single walrus tusk.

"I...recognize that blade." Sejuani said, mesmerized. She stepped up onto its pedestal, delicately running a finger over the pommel. "I remember reading a few old texts about this particular caliber of weapon, back when I was younger."

"Oh? Dost mine ears deceive me?" I cheekily grinned. "The Winter's Wrath actually knows how to read?"

She shot me an unamused expression. "Believe it or not, Helios, I'm smarter than I look. And it's important to know the history of my people, so yes, I do in fact know how to read." She hummed, furrowing her brow as she inspected the blade. "All Freljordian weapons this old supposedly have their names inscribed somewhere. It should be on the blade, if it's a sword."

"Cool, I'll look for it!" I promptly pulled the sword out of the pedestal.

"Helios, wait, there might be tra-" Sejuani protested, but it was already too late. My screams of horror echoed across the halls not a few seconds after.

Sejuani glared. "That wasn't funny!"

" _THEN WHY AM I LAUGHING?!_ " I howled, rolling on the ground while clutching my new toy. "Oh...I'm just...that was _hilarious._ " I wiped a tear from my eye.

Sejuani sighed. "Just give me the damn sword, Helios."

"Fine, fine." I chuckled, handing it to her. The blade had been absolutely freezing, but for some reason it wasn't a big deal. I could feel the sheer cold coming from it, but it didn't really produce an unpleasant sensation, like cold typically did. It's hard to explain.

(AN: Think Elsa from Frozen. Does that work?)

"Ah. Here we are." Sejuani's eyes skimmed over a few runes delicately carved into the blade. I silently prayed that the name would be awesome.

" _Skælveuvejr._ " Sejuani announced. " _Shiver Storm._ "

Aww, yyyyyeeeeaaaahhhhh.

(AN: I actually did some research to come up with a name for this thing. Skælve, as best as I can figure, means "tremble" in Danish, but it also means "shiver." Fun fact: Freljord roughly translates to "Bare Earth" in Danish (Frel = bare, Jord = Earth). Uvejr means "storm.")

"Here. Take it." She held the handle out to me. "Seeing your reaction, I'd say your eager to take it for a test drive."

I looked at the blade, confused. "Don't _you_ want it?" I asked.

Sejuani shook her head. "I prefer my whip." She patted the weapon at her hip, which I'd had the foresight to bring with me while she was unconscious. "I'm not very proficient with a blade, either."

"...'Kay." I replied. "Wait..." I paused. "You said that you recognized this blade from your reading. What exactly did you remember?"

"Skælveuvejr was one of the weapons forged during Avarosa's uprising against the Frozen Watchers, same as the rest of the weapons in this vault." Sejuani informed, gesturing to the other rooms. "It's rumored to be so powerful that even the former gods of the Freljord were vulnerable to it."

"Which is why I went to great lengths to keep them hidden within this vault, Sejuani." An ominous voice said, carried throughout the crypt on a gust of freezing wind. "I wouldn't have wanted the descendants of my _dear sisters_ to go around playing with toys much too big for them, would I?"

* * *

 _ **Welp, you probably know who decided to crash the party, huh? I don't think I need to tell you at this point. What do you think of Skælveuvejr? It's not going to have a huge role in the story as a whole, but I thought it'd be a cool little thing to do for the next few chapters.**_

 _ **Also, I'm going to start taking humor requests! Basically, you probably know that Runeterra is filled with all sorts of little stereotypes to make fun of. If you've seen a few that I haven't gotten to yet, let me know, and I'll find a way to incorporate it into the story! I am also accepting pop-culture references, in any shape or form. I want to make this story as humorous as possible for you guys, so if I can keep you entertained by fulfilling request for snippets of humor, then by all means, I'll do so!**_

 _ **And last but not least, once again, can we try to hit 100 favorites and 100 followers? Can we get this thing into the Big Leagues? With your help, we can! Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	25. Swords and Lissandra's Not-So-Fun House

**_How're all of you doing, everyone? We're back, and this time, things are about to get a little intense. Last time, Helios and Sejuani stumbled upon a few new toys, including a sword with a dope title, but were then interrupted by everyone's favorite Ice Witch. They'll have to play her games if they want to get out of the crypt alive, along with Skælveuvejr getting a good bit of use. That won't be all for this chapter, but we'll just have to wait and see where this goes, ah? So, LET'S GET THIS THING O-_**

 ** _Oh, wait. Forgot one thing._**

 ** _So, a guest reviewer asked if I'd decided to abandon my previous Darksiders crossover. For those of you that enjoyed it, allow me to apologize, because the answer is yes. This may be disheartening for all of you, and I'm really sorry, but...it's just...that story had a lot of things that I wasn't satisfied with. I was enthusiastic at first, but the problem that became evident later one was that it just wasn't what I'd been hoping for. The whole thing felt rushed, and to be honest, if I ever went back to do it again, War's introduction to the League of Legends would most likely be completely different. I don't feel like I did his personality very well, and there are a lot more things I would change if I had the chance. But don't think that this is the end of the Darksiders crossover just yet, ladies and gentlemen. I have a plan in mind for the future of TDHA that could involve the Red Rider, so just be patient with me, okay? Now that we've got that fiasco out of the way, LET'S GET IT ON! FOR REAL THIS TIME!_**

* * *

Even with the armor that Ashe and Tryndamere provided me with, complete with the dope fur-lined cape, I felt the chill that crawled up my spine.

"Don't look so happy to see me, Helios." The Ice Witch's voice laughed, echoing throughout the crypt. "I wouldn't be so jubilant if you knew what I had in store for all three of you."

"Is that so?" I replied, brandishing Shiver Storm with both hands. "Why don't you come down here and say that to my face? I might have something with me that suggests otherwise."

Lissandra's voice laughed again, which, admittedly, sounded really creepy. The frozen walls of the crypt gave it the same effect as Zyra's voice, and it was even worse that Lissandra herself was nowhere to be seen. "Ah, yes, the legendary blade Skælveuvejr." I could just about see her snide, smug face. "Fool. You don't even realize the power of the weapon you wield."

"Really? Does this weapon have the power to kick your ass?" I shot back.

Lissandra, oddly, didn't answer.

"That's what I thought." I said.

"Alright, _Ice Witch,_ what game are you going to play _this_ time?" Sejuani asked. "I can promise you that I'll win, and then I'll _break you._ "

Lissandra was silent.

"Uh...hello?" I called. "Ice Bitch?" Whoops, silly me. Slip of the tongue.

Still nothing.

"Come down here and fight, Witch!" Sejuani roared.

Nada.

"Er...I think she hung up on us." I sweatdropped. "That's a new one."

"Coward." Sejuani sneered. "Typical. She makes threats, but runs when it's convenient for her."

"Well, knowing _her,_ she's got something unpleasant in store." I grimaced. "Whaddya think, Sej? Up for a game?"

"Bring it." Sejuani smashed her fist into an open palm, cracking her knuckles. "I'll rip her apart with my bare hands."

"That would be nice..." I remarked, turning back towards the other weapons of Pure Ice. "But how about we grab some extra firepower...icepower, whatever you call it in the Freljord...and smash her face in using _that,_ huh?"

Sejuani huffed. "You go ahead. I'm dead serious about using my bare hands."

I shrugged. "Suit yourself." I glanced back towards Shiver Storm, still in my grip. "Uh...I don't suppose there's a scabbard for this thing, is there?"

Right on cue, frost swirled into existence around the two-handed sword, hardening into ice around the blade. After a few seconds, it had developed into a scabbard, glittering white with blue veins of Pure Ice.

"Oh. Neat!" I perked up. "What else can you do, I wonder?"

Chuckling at the sudden display, I strode towards the remainder of the vault, intent on claiming a few more toys. You could never go wrong with bringing plenty of backup weapons. You never knew when you'd need 'em. That spear looked a little tempting. It'd been a while since I used one. The last time had been before undergoing the process of Ascension in Shurima. I'm still bitter that it didn't do much for me.

But instead of walking through the archway to claim my prize, I was smacked in the face by a solid wall of Dark Ice, which had suddenly manifested out of thin air. We were completely cut off from the other weapons, which would have provided a significant advantage.

Lissandra's laughter echoed throughout the cavern, before fading away to nothing.

"Okay...she didn't hang up after all, I guess." I rubbed the bridge of my nose, where I'd bonked my head. "She's just feeling the need to torment somebody at the moment. Lovely."

Sejuani scowled. "It looks like the two of us, and whoever she selected as the third victim, have no choice but to play this game of hers." She pointed at the halls beyond Shiver Storm's pedestal. Various walls of Dark Ice had sprung up, blocking off several main passageways and corridors to follow. Only one was still available, which meant that it was most likely the one that Lissandra wanted us to take, for whatever reason. I didn't know if I wanted to find out or not.

"Perfect." I rolled my eyes. "Who's up for a bit of pain and suffering? It's been a while since I had some. I think that it's almost been a few days."

* * *

There exists a game that consists of nothing short of total warfare.

This game has been dubbed as the most dangerous, most lethal, most disastrous way to play in history.

When this game is participated in, catastrophic consequences can occur.

Friendships are destroyed.

Families torn apart.

Children mentally _scarred for life._

Lovers become _enemies._

Civilization _itself_ is haphazardly tossed around like a ragdoll.

This game _never_ has a positive outcome. You can only lose less badly than your opponents.

I am, of course, referring to Monopoly.

Bad things happen when people play Monopoly.

I nearly lost Shyvana once when I beat her at that game. I had to take her out for ice cream just so that she'd forgive me.

When Sejuani and I had no choice but to become Lissandra's playthings, however, I started to consider that _her_ game was even _worse._

" _Where. Are. We. Going?_ " I groaned. We'd been walking for at least _two hours._ The whole time, it was nothing but eerily silent hallways of Dark Ice, which refused to even offer the slightest hint as to our destination.

"You've been asking that _for the past fifteen minutes._ " Sejuani growled through her teeth, pressing a hand to her face and slowly counting to ten. "And for the _last time, I don't know._ "

"Sorry." I replied. "I just need to vent a little."

"Vent somewhere else." She snapped. "Do it on a wall for all I care, just not on me."

"I already tried that. They're terrible conversationalists."

And that was how a fist cuffed me in the back of the neck, resulting in my face hitting the snow beneath us.

"I...deserved that." I wheezed, holding up a finger in Sejuani's direction.

"Just keep your mouth shut." Sejuani replied. "Next time I'll garotte you with my whip."

"Wait, you actually know what 'garotte' means?" I picked up my face to shoot her a skeptical look.

" _Helios I swear to gods_ _-_ " Sejuani let out an exaggerated groan, before stomping over to a nearby wall, repeatedly kicking it with one boot. She'd left a good-sized hole in the corrupted material by the time she was done.

"Okay." She deflated, huffing out a puff of air. "I think I'm fine, at the moment." She turned on her heels, setting off at a brisk pace. "Come on. Let's just get this over with."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming." I muttered, standing up and brushing the frost out of my hair. I was having _so_ much fun.

A small crunch in the snow caused our heads to snap forward. The hallway ahead split into separate paths, one leading straight ahead, the other turning ninety degrees to the left. Another crunch followed the first, coming from the left hallway. A third came after, followed by a fourth. Then a fifth. Footsteps.

I placed a finger to my lips, indicating for Sejuani to be quiet, drawing Shiver Storm. Sejuani rolled her eyes, because my gesture was admittedly obvious. I gestured for her to remain stationary while I checked it out. Sejuani reluctantly complied.

I let Nidalee's hunting lessons take over, delicately pressing the ball of my heel to the snow, before shifting my weight to the edge of my foot with each step, in order to minimize sound. I slunk to the wall, pressing my back and left shoulder against it as I moved. The crunching got louder, and I could just about hear the sound of an arrow being nocked.

I tensed at the edge, just around the corner. The crunching had stopped. Either we had been imagining things, or my unseen opponent was in a similar position. I took in a deep breath, readied Shiver Storm and bolted around the corner, swinging the blade in a downward arc.

" _DIE, YOU SON OF A-_ " I trailed off, my sword hovering inches over the newcomer's neck.

"-Queen?" I asked. " _Ashe?_ How the hell did _you_ get down here?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing." The Frost Archer replied, slinging her bow over one shoulder. "But to answer your question, I became worried when Braum managed to return to Frostheld, minus you. He reported that he'd barely managed to escape the Winter's Claw, and that you and Sejuani had fallen into an open chasm. Despite Tryndamere's protests, I left on my own to search for you. That was when I fell into a chasm that appeared to open out of nowhere, similar to you, and, well..." She gestured around the area. "Here I am."

"Well, a Zaunite explosive arrow was actually the reason why we fell, but..." I shrugged. "Yeah. Sounds about right."

"Wait..." Ashe felt a hand over the edge of my sword. "Is that _Skælveuvejr?_ Where did you even come _across_ a weapon of this caliber?"

"Back that way." I gestured with my thumb. "We would've grabbed a few more toys, but Lissandra sealed off the entrance."

" _Lissandra_." Ashe let a rare scowl flit across her features. "I assume that this is some game of hers, then?"

"It looks that way." Sejuani replied, coming around the corner to join us.

The two potential Queens of the Freljord locked eyes, and a tense silence followed.

"Ashe." Sejuani greeted grudgingly, folding her arms and adopting a hostile stance. "Still using that old twig of yours, I see." Well, technically it was more appropriate to call it an icicle, because it was made of Pure Ice, but sure, why not? Made for a badass one-liner.

"Sejuani." Ashe placed a hand on her hip. "I'm surprised that Bristle isn't with you. Did you discover that one pig was enough for the both of you?"

"Maybe I just wanted to kick your ass myself, and _then_ feed the scraps to Bristle." Sejuani growled.

"Not if I pierce your lungs first." Ashe replied, clenching her fists.

Sejuani snorted. "Please. I could break you a hundred times over with my bare hands. A little bow isn't going to do much."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry. I'll just aim for your heart instead of your thick head." Ashe snapped.

"Not if I bash your head in right here and now." Sejuani replied, stepping forward and drawing her whip. Ashe stepped back, drawing her bow and nocking and arrow.

Hoo boy.

Here we go again.

At face-off number three-hundred twenty-seven, if I was counting correctly.

Sejuani roared, lunging toward Ashe while swinging her whip, Ashe letting her arrow fly.

While I let the whole thing go by in slow-motion using light speed, I contemplated how to best kill myself before their incessant nagging drove me to insanity. There were plenty of options, let me tell you. Of course, there was my entourage, granddaughter and girlfriend to take into consideration, so with the longest, most agonizing, most downright annoyed groan I could muster, I got to work. I plucked Ashe's arrow out of the air, before grabbing Sejuani's whip and tying the chord around her waist, binding her arms. I grabbed the two Queens by the scruffs of their necks, and let time resume its regular speed.

"Both of you, _can it._ " I said. "I am _not_ in the mood to deal with this right now, so so help me _gods,_ if you two bicker even _once_ while we try to figure out a way to escape this frozen hell, then I'm going to take Shiver Storm here and turn it into a shish kebab, _using your heads._ Got it?"

I was genuinely ticked off, so my hair was doing its usual "spontaneous-combustion" thing. Not only that, but since I had a beard, the effect was emphasized. There were even bits of molten metal dripping from my facial hair. Pretty sick, right?

"...Fine." Ashe muttered.

"Fine." Sejuani agreed. They wouldn't stop glowering at each other, but _that,_ I could tolerate.

"Good." I dropped them both, leaving them to sulk. I just wasn't in the mood to make a fuss over their attitudes. I'd probably draw up the strength later, but it never hurt to be lazy for a little while, right? "Now, if all three of us can get moving, we can introduce my boot to Lissandra's face-"

A faint buzzing from my hip led me to frown in confusion. Patting down my pants, I found that my phone was still in my pants. I had assumed that I'd lost it at some point. I pulled it out, thumbing over the messages.

"You still have service down here?" Sejuani asked, dumbfounded. "How?!"

"Easy." I waved the screen in her face. "My phone runs on solar power."

The resulting cringe from the two Queens was so intense that the walls of the crypt cringed with them. Lissandra was starting to regret trapping us in there. I may or may not have given an evil laugh at my own at their reaction.

Mua. Ha. Ha.

"Now that I've done my evil deed for the day..." I checked my phone again. "Huh." I frowned. "It's from Lux." Really, just from the way she'd typed her message I could tell it was her. Case in point:

 _From: LUX!_

 _OMGOMGOMG HELIOS HELIOS HELIOS PWEASE READ DIS! :O_

With a sigh, I started up a chat and got into a conversation with her.

 _ **Bitch, chill.**_ I replied. _**What's the issue?**_

 _How dare you speak in such a manner to my sister, you villain!_ Was the reply to my reply. _Apologize at once!_

 _ **Get off her phone, Garen. Wouldn't want me to post that image of you and Katerina getting drunk in the pool, would you?**_

 _WAIT WHAT SEND IT SEND IT SEND IT_ _(✧Д✧) (✧Д✧) (✧Д✧)_

Cackling like a madman, I did just that.

" _NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_ " A masculine voice suddenly shouted out of nowhere, reverberating throughout the crypt and causing the walls to shake. I don't think I'd ever heard Garen scream that loud before. The voice of someone's ass getting kicked soon followed. I could only assume that Katerina had caught on.

 _XD XD XD XD OMG YES!_ Lux typed. _THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!_

 _ **Anytime**_ ** _(╭ ⌐■_■)╭_** I replied. ** _So, now that we've done our fair share of humiliating Garen for the day, what did you need to talk about?_**

 _OMG HELIOS THINGS AREN'T GOING SO GREAT RIGHT NOW DX_ Lux typed. _NOXUS IS GETTING CLOSER REALLY FAST AND WE ARE SUPER WORRIED BECAUSE THEY ARE COMING A LOT FASTER THAN WE THOUGHT WHERE IS THE BACKUP?_

 _(◉_◉) **Uh...it's coming. Just give me a few more weeks.**_

 _WE MIGHT NOT HAVE A FEW WEEKS SO HURRY HURRY HURRY!_ _(ᗒᗝᗕ)_

 ** _Just how close are they?_** ** _( ͠° ʖ̯ °) You should be fine, what happened to the High Councilor? Shouldn't she and the other summoners be stalling them?_**

 _Oooooooo...er._ _( ‸ ) Um. They kinda...didn't hold up as well as we thought. Swain played some dirty tricks and got Malzahar to unleash Voidlings on the Institute._

 ** _...Well that's just typical. Did they make it out alright?_**

 _Yeah, but the Institute's a pile of smoldering rubble right now, if Quinn's reports are correct. WHICH THEY ARE!_

 ** _(◉ᗜ◉)_**

 ** _(ಠᗜಠ)_**

 ** _(ಠᨎಠ)_**

 ** _...Wat._**

 ** _(งಠ_ಠ)ง Them's fightin' words, bucko._**

 ** _Listen, I'm currently working out a plan to get Ashe (and maybe Sejuani) to help us out. Right now, I'm kind of dealing with a Lissandra problem, so I don't have time to chat right now._**

 _Okay, good luck_ _(ᵔωᵔ) I hope you guys are okay!_

 _You should still apologize to my sister._

 ** _(ಠ_ಠ) Get off her phone, Garen._**

I ended the conversation, tucking my phone back into my pocket. "Well?" Sejuani asked. "What's the issue?"

"It was from Lux." I sighed, fingering the edge of Shiver Storm. "Apparently, Noxus has been making a lot of headway. A _lot_ more than anticipated. Apparently the Institute of War is, at the moment, nothing more than a smoldering pile of rubble."

" _What?_ " Ashe hissed. "Swain actually had the _gall_ to pull that off?"

"It looks that way." I shrugged, before fixing the two of them with an accusing glare. "Now that you understand the situation we're in, can I trust the two of you to just _get along_ for the moment and not cause any problems?"

Ashe and Sejuani gave a smoldering glance in each other's direction, appearing to have a wordless conflicting conversation. They then reached some sort of agreement, and nodded.

"I take that as a yes?" I asked. They nodded again.

"Good." I clapped my hands together. "Shall we get going, then? Lissandra isn't going to beat her own ass (though that would be sweet), and we need to find a way out of here."

"I may be able to help with that." A voice behind us replied.

We whirled around, weapons at the ready.

And there, with the smuggest, most annoying smirk I had ever seen, was Lissandra.

* * *

All of us were silent as our brains took the time to digest the fact that _holy shit she was right there what the hell do we do?_

I stared.

Ashe stared.

Sejuani stared.

Lissandra just waited.

We all blinked.

"You were all looking for me, yes?" The Ice Witch spread her arms invitingly. "Well." She smirked. "Here I am."

We charged simultaneously, Ashe rapidly firing off arrows while Sejuani swung her whip, followed by several swings of Shiver Storm. But instead of getting impaled, lashed and cleaved in half all at once, Lissandra's form cracked, like glass in a mirror. In fact, the cracks spread to the entire hallway, which I knew was impossible...usually. Either there was some freaky space-time portal shit going on, or that hallway was not a real hallway.

The cracks reached the walls, which was when the illusion dissipated. The hallway slowly faded to nothingness, revealing the cold, blank face of a wall of Dark Ice. The area around us shimmered and warped, revealing similar constructions. New pathways opened up, to a room filled with glossy Dark Ice, in the form of pillars, archways, even the floors and ceiling.

" _Oh, silly me."_ Lissandra's disembodied voice echoed. " _This is where the_ real _game begins._ "

"Oh, joy, the old 'mirror mind tricks' routine." I grumbled. "What exactly makes you think we'll play your game, huh?"

" _It's quite simple, actually._ " Lissandra replied. " _If you don't, you'll be trapped down here forever, and eventually starve to death._ "

"...I guess you've got a point." I conceded. "Bring it on, bitch."

Lissandra laughed. " _Mind that overconfidence of yours, Helios. Someone might pay the price for it._ " Fool. The price for my overconfidence was completely free. My ego was the equivalent of Walmart on Black Friday. Chaotic, confusing, and offered at the price of next to nothing.

(AN: We really need to stop making references.)

Shut up, the readers are enjoying it.

" _So, would you care to step into my Maze of Mirrors?_ " Lissandra asked. " _I'm looking forward to tearing your minds apart piece by piece._ "

"Maze of Mirrors? Really?" I groaned. "Come _on,_ Lissandra, go for some originality, _please!_ "

* * *

"Hey...Sej." I said as we cautiously picked our way through the cavern. "You mentioned that Shiver Storm could even hurt Frozen Watchers, right? Is that _all_ it can do, or...what?" Our reflections shifted and warped in the Dark Ice around us, making it extremely difficult to even find the way forward. Sometimes passageways would turn out to be sheer walls, and the floor to actually be a pit that went down gods-know-how far. This cave was a deathtrap, and Lissandra was no doubt loving every single minute of it.

Sejuani looked at me curiously. "I would have assumed you knew such things. Haven't you been watching the entire world since it's creation?"

I shrugged. "History lessons bore me. I just pay attention to whatever looks the most interesting at the time. Plus, it's kind of hard to see through a blizzard."

Sejuani just left it at that.

"But to answer your question, Helios," Ashe said. "Skælveuvejr is said to be capable of summoning fierce, raging storms out of nothing, and legend has it that in the right hands, Skælveuvejr, or any of the old weapons, could manipulate the entire Freljord itself if one who is worthy was to wield it."

I frowned down at the sword in my hands. Shiver Storm didn't _feel_ particularly powerful. It had the aura, but so far it hadn't actually _done_ anything noteworthy. I guess I wasn't worthy? I was calling bullshit, because I was a pretty decent guy. Maybe a Freljordian had to be the wielder?

"He asked _me,_ pansy." Sejuani muttered.

"You weren't willing to offer a suitable answer, pig, so I decided to do it myself." Ashe shot back.

"Are you implying that I'm stupid?" Sejuani growled. "I'd be willing to bash you head in and 'lower you toy level' if that's the case."

"I doubt that it'd even make a difference if I impaled your thick skull." Ashe haughtily replied. "It isn't like there's much of a brain in there to begin with.'

"Why, _I oughta_ -" Sejuani raised her whip, but a cuff over their heads caused them to settle down. I wasn't having it today.

" _Well, aren't you two getting along swimmingly._ " Lissandra appeared in a nearby mirror, hands on her hips with a smug smile. " _It's a wonder that you haven't killed each other already. Then again..._ " She lazily examined a few nails. " _Neither of you are really fit to rule, are you? And Helios doesn't even possess the brain cells to come up with a solution that doesn't involve violence._ "

"Shut up!" I barked, swinging Shiver Storm at the reflection. My momentum carried me through the pillar, sending chunks of Dark Ice scattering. I tripped over a horizontal pillar that appeared to have manifested out of nowhere, almost impaling my face on a small icicle on the floor. I broke my fall with one hand, but it had still been a close call. Great. Lissandra was only _subtly_ trying to kill us. "Say that to my face in person, why don't you?!"

"Coward!" Sejuani yelled. "Stay and fight!"

" _And why exactly would I want to do that?_ " Lissandra reformed on the ceiling, appearing to lie on one side with a bored expression. " _And I can't help but notice that 'coward' seems to be a frequent occupant of your vocabulary. Tell me, do you say that to_ everyone _who has better things to do than entertain you with a brief tussle?_ "

"Only to those who are afraid to lose!" She snapped, lashing the ceiling.

A gust of icy wind threw Sejuani off her feet, slamming her into a wall. A barrage of icicles soon followed, aimed at her throat. Sejuani rolled out of the way just in the nick of time, the icicles embedding themselves where she'd been a few milliseconds earlier.

" _Watch your tongue._ " Lissandra's voice took a cutting edge. " _Do not forget where you are. You may be playing_ my _game, but at any time I could decided to halt the 'festivities' and simply_ end _you._ " She manifested in a pillar of ice opposite the Winter's Wrath, chuckling. " _You inherited much of my sister Serylda's personality. You share her stubbornness and lack of vision._ " She leaned against the side of the pillar, almost like she was stuck in a cage. " _That lack of vision, coupled with a remarkably insufficient ability to prepare against attack from the shadows, ultimately led to me slitting her throat._ "

Sejuani charged with a shriek, punching straight through the ice, right where Lissandra's face would've been. She winced as she pulled out her fist, the knuckles soaked in blood where jagged ice had cut through the skin.

" _I swear to all the gods that I will kill you._ " Sejuani said through clenched teeth. " _I'll rip off your head and mount it on a pike for all the world to see._ "

" _I'd like to see you try, truly, I would._ " Lissandra reappeared on the floor beneath her. " _Perhaps you'd have an end more befitting of a proper warrior._ " Lissandra grinned menacingly. " _Or maybe I'll slit your throat and string you up on a glacier, similar to my sister._ "

Sejuani punched the ground with her other hand, cracking the floor. Once again, her fist came out coated in blood, trembling.

Lissandra laughed. " _Dear me, you_ are _furious._ " Her voice was coming from all directions, choosing to stay out of sight. " _You're_ far _more fun to antagonize than Serylda. At least_ she _knew when there was a joke to be poked at. Frankly, I'm almost disappointed._ "

"Lissandra, stop this!" Ashe ordered, an arrow nocked on her bow. "You have nothing to gain from petty insults!"

" _Ah, yes, and then there's_ you, _descendant of Avarosa._ " Lissandra shimmered into view on a chunk of ice behind her. She let a brief sneer form, completely hostile. " _Mother's favorite. Always so_ noble, _so_ compassionate. _She never understood why servitude to the Watchers was so beneficial for us. No,_ she _believed that freedom wasn't a worthy price to pay for power!_ "

"It _wasn't._ " Ashe replied, staring her straight in the face. "We were _slaves_ to the old gods, and only by Avarosa's rebellion were we able to truly break free from our shackles, and become a proud, prosperous people!"

" _Ah,_ there _it is._ " Lissandra mused, disappearing and resurfacing on an archway above us, lounging casually against the ice. " _The consistent stream of eloquent speech and inspirational blather. Avarosa was rather fond of those, I recall._ " She fingered the ice beneath her, drawing little circle marks on the reflective surface.

" _She was the exact_ opposite _of Serylda. Quiet, unassuming, timid, and possessing of a complete lack of backbone._ "

"Do not insult the first Queen of the Freljord!" Ashe shouted. "She was everything that I aspire to be, and will become!"

" _You wish to be_ weak?" Lissandra snorted. " _Your self-esteem truly is pitiful._ "

"Avarosa was _not_ weak!" Ashe replied. "She led the rebellion against the Watchers all those years ago, and she _won!_ Who are _you_ to call her weak?!"

" _Her sister, of course._ " Lissandra said. " _I could spend_ hours _telling you of her many flaws, and how they cost her the throne, but I think I'll start with just one for now._ " Lissandra chuckled darkly.

" _Avarosa was gifted with words, to be sure, but she completely lacked the firmness required to properly rule a kingdom. She would always do only what her subjects wanted her to do, and never had her own vision for the future of the Freljord. And like Serylda, she was far too trusting for her own good._ " She cackled. " _The idiot girl never even anticipated me killing her in sleep!_ "

"It _was_ you." Ashe said, clenching her jaw. "You _murdered_ her."

" _Of course I did._ " Lissandra clicked her tongue. " _She was weak and unfit to rule, so I simply disposed of her. Why..._ " The Ice Witch snickered. " _I even dumped her body out in the woods, with nothing but her bow and a simple label to indicate it was her! And to top it all, you came along believing she had_ chosen _you!_ "

" _No._ " Ashe whispered, her arms trembling as she held her bow. "I refuse to believe your lies." She was putting up a fight, but her gaze seemed unfocused and hazy. "I was chosen as the last of Avarosa's bloodline. I know this to be true."

" _Did I hurt your feelings, Ashe?_ " Lissandra cooed, like she was talking to a puppy. " _I know this may seem_ cutting, _but the fact is that the only reason you made it this far in opposing me was that you simply recycled the battered trinket of a weak-willed_ servant girl, _and pretended to be someone that even Avarosa wasn't._ "

" _STOP!_ " Ashe screamed, letting an arrow fly. It hit straight between Lissandra's eyes, right over her unamused visage. The Frost Archer was shaking, her breath heavy and uneven.

" _Look at you._ " Lissandra grunted. " _Falling apart after nothing more than a bit of criticism._ " She sneered. " _Pathetic._ "

I'd honestly never seen Ashe this shaken. She could face down the Gelid Vortex without so much as blinking, and suddenly she couldn't take a few snide remarks? Of course, this was Lissandra. She had a way of getting inside your head with only a single _sentence._ It didn't help that she personally knew Avarosa and Serylda, either. Nothing like a relative to shed light on a matter, right? _Wrong._

" _Neither you nor Sejuani are fit to rule the Freljord._ " Lissandra said. " _It would be merciful on my part to let you die in this crypt. Unfortunately..._ " She vanished, this time appearing on every reflective surface in the area. " _Mercy is something I view as a_ weakness." She had the most unpleasant, sadistic grin that you could imagine. It was something dark and ugly and malevolent, promising nothing but pain. " _Something General Swain and I can agree on._ "

Oh, _hell no._

"You're helping Swain in return for aid in conquering the Freljord." I snarled. "I should've guessed."

" _So says the disgraced former god that allowed one of his subordinates to get the better of him._ " Lissandra retorted, retreating to a single wall in front of me. " _That_ is _what happened, correct? You were so sure of your power that the moon was able to gather enough power to banish you right under your nose?_ "

Great. It was _my_ turn now. This really _was_ worse than Monopoly.

" _It's the same problem over and over again!_ " The Ice Witch cackled. " _Your willingness to blindly trust others prevents you from predicting your own undoing! And if anything, Helios, you're the one who's to blame for everyone's pain!_ "

"Oh yeah?" I scowled, stepping up to her image in the wall. "And why's that? Last time I checked, you're the one going around squashing everyone's self-esteem."

" _Why, Helios!_ " Lissandra feigned shock. " _You really haven't discovered the reason yourself?_ "

I shrugged. "Can't say I have." I narrowed my eyes. "Care to enlighten me?"

" _But of course._ " She smirked. " _You created Runeterra, yes? You alone are responsible for every spark of life that the world has to offer. Human beings, Yordles, even_ gods _owe their very existence to you. You've openly presented yourself as more benevolent than most gods, and your numerous deeds certainly suggest this. But despite your front as a caretaker and guardian, when the world encounters hardship..._ " She grinned. " _You leave them to their deaths._ "

"What?" I raised an eyebrow. "What are you talking about? I'm not that heartless. I would _never_ let my friends die!"

" _Only because you're trapped in a human body._ " She replied. " _Let's take the Rune Wars as an example, shall we? Billions died, and the world nearly tore itself apart from the deep wounds inflicted on_ nature itself. _And yet, while families suffered and children lost their mothers..._ " Lissandra sneered. " _You did_ nothing."

I flinched, as if I'd been struck.

I'd...never considered it like that before.

"I..." I sighed. "If I had interfered, things would've been worse. I can't go abusing my power, for whatever reason."

" _Abuse?_ " Lissandra scoffed. " _Some would say it's your duty to intervene when your 'precious creations' are imperiled. It seem to me like you were neglecting your position._ "

I was silent. I...honestly didn't know what to say. _Should_ I have intervened? And not just for the Rune Wars. For all the skirmishes between Demacia and Noxus, for all the suffering and pain the world had experienced, would things have _really_ turned out for the worst if I stepped in to handle things?

Would this whole war with Noxus have never started?

Was it really... _my fault?_

I hung my head, closing my eyes. Lissandra chuckled.

" _You finally see the problem._ " She said. " _It is_ you."

My fist smashed into the wall, splitting it into fragments. Lissandra reformed on another surface nearby, baring witness to my burning glare, my hair spitting out angry bursts of heat. "You're _sick._ " I glowered. "It doesn't matter if I really am to blame for all of this, and you want to know why?" I asked. "Because I'm going to fix things by _kicking your ass_ , and then Swain's next."

" _That may be more difficult than you realize._ " Lissandra replied, gesturing to Ashe and Sejuani. They were, to put it delicately, "out of commission." The two of them had shut out everything else and we're wrestling with their fragmented realities, or whatever it is that people with broken confidence think about.

"I'll get them out and deal with you myself if I have to." I said. "What makes you think that you'll win?"

A wall faded from existence in reply, a blast of cold air hitting as it did, indicating that it led outside.

" _See for yourself._ " Lissandra pointed in the corresponding direction.

I glanced back at the two aspiring Queens, hesitating.

" _I've completed what I came here to accomplish._ " Lissandra said. " _I have no further need of them._ "

Scowling, I reluctantly left them behind (I was coming back for them later, obviously), following the newly created tunnel. There was no flash of sunlight from the exit, meaning that it was currently night.

I came out onto a narrow ledge, with a vast chasm facing it from the opposite side. Connecting the two cliffs was a small, rickety wooden bridge, barely holding together amidst the howling wind. There was another tunnel to my right, leading to somewhere else, but I didn't care where it led at the time.

And across the chasm? The Frostguard Citadel, in all of its sinister glory. Carved partially from Dark Ice, its walls looked cold, cruel and unforgiving. I scowled. Lissandra never did have a good taste in architecture, especially considering how she kept the prison cells of the Frozen Watchers in front of it as watchtowers. Typical, right? Watchers manning a watchtower?

Well, there was also just _one_ small problem with the Watchers' cells.

There were no Watchers.

* * *

 _ **(DJ Deadpool voice)**_

 _ **Oh, dang-i-tang!**_


	26. Noxus Rudely Interrupts (Trundle Helps)

_**So, how've you all been, everyone? I've got another chapter for all of you, and as you know, we're diving into it this time! Last chapter, the Frozen Watchers had mysteriously vanished from their cages (and without so much as a note explaining where they went, too), and Lissandra messed with everyone's heads! This chapter, Helios is gonna have to deal with the Noxians rolling up to the borders of the Freljord, as well as dealing with their alliance with Lissandra. He'll have to fight Trundle and the trolls as a result, because I just realized that I'd forgotten all about him. Whoops. I'll probably have two more chapters at the most for the Freljord arc, and then we'll transition to Ionia, and eventually Bilgewater. Just to let you guys know, the Ionia arc will have a lot more comedy than the current arc. I mean, do you KNOW how many anime, manga, Japanese games, etc. memes that Helios can make fun of? It will be GLORIOUS.**_

 _ **Also, I'd like to inform those of you who aren't aware that I've updated my profile! Yay! It's actually worth reading now! But that isn't what I wanted to call to your attention. Y'see, I've posted a poll at the top of my profile page. Basically, it has options for what you want my next story to be on. Don't get me wrong, The Dawn Has Arrived won't be ending for a LONG time, but I thought it'd be neat to let you guys see what I'm working on! Here are your options:**_

 _ **Batman x Overwatch crossover: AU where Batman lives in the world of Overwatch. Alfred is an omnic, because I can't help but be intrigued by that kinda thing.**_

 _ **Spider-Man x Overwatch crossover: AU where Spider-Man lives in the world of Overwatch, and was partially inspired by Jack Morrison as a kid to become a hero, which he does after the spider-bite thing. Aunt May is aware of his identity as Spider-Man from the get go, and actually helps make his costume, using materials Peter "borrowed" from an abandoned Overwatch Watchpoint.**_

 _ **Batman x League of Legends crossover: When a bolt of lightning strikes a Lazarus Pit infused with the blood of key Justice League members, Batman is thrust into the world of Runeterra, and eventually makes his way to Zaun. Dark Knight of Zaun, anyone?**_

 _ **Overwatch x League of Legends crossover: Overwatch is flung into Runeterra when Sombra's translocator **_**_and Tracer's Chronal Accelerator do something weird. Thinking of Genji x Syndra as an included ship._**

 ** _And that's enough from me. Please vote! NOW LET'S DO THIS!_**

* * *

Oh, farts.

 _Oh, farts._

"You have _got_ to be kidding me." I stared in shock. There was _no_ _way_ that the Frozen Watchers had gotten out of their cages. They were supposed to be _impenetrable,_ in every sense of the word. Of course, since Lissandra was the president of their fan club, it would only make sense that she'd dedicate every spare minute of her time to getting them out.

But it wasn't just the fact that they were free that worried me. It was why they hadn't destroyed the entire Freljord yet that bothered me. The Watchers are beings of _immense_ power. They could rip mountains apart, tear whole cities to shreds with howling blizzards and raging storms. If they got free, there would be fireworks and light shows heralding their release.

And yet...nothing. All of us were still alive. Odd.

I swore under my breath, sheathing Shiver Storm and turning back towards the tunnel I'd come through. We needed to deal with this. _Now._

"Ashe, _Sejuani!_ " I yelled, storming back into the cavern. "We have a prob- oh, for the _love of gods..._ "

They were _still_ brooding over what Lissandra had told them. I was still reeling, absolutely, but I wasn't _zoned out._ That was for later, when I had time to think about it and cry. Priorities.

Ashe was curling her knees up with her back to a wall near the exit, fingering the edge of her bow. Sejuani was on her knees still, panting while she pressed her hands around the cracks of the small crater she'd left with her fist. Okay, I guess it was the time for every monarch's special pre-midlife crisis where they question their capability as a leader. And believe me, they have those. Jarvan the First had a moment where he locked himself in his room and sucked on his thumb for half an hour. No one but me knows, of course.

"Guys, get off your asses." I said. "I'm bummed out too, but we can have an identity crisis later. Right now, we need to _focus._ "

They ignored me.

"Guys, the Freljord is in danger."

Nope.

"Guys, my ass is on fire."

Even _that_ didn't work.

"Fine, if you don't care that the Frozen Watchers are missing, whatever. It's not like it's a big deal or anything." I mockingly gasped, placing my hands on my cheeks. "Oh wait, _it is._ "

Their heads instantly bolted up, eyes wide with alarm. " _What?!_ " They shouted simultaneously. They shoved past me and out through the tunnel, screeching in shock at what awaited them. Atta boy, girls. Way to pull through.

"We need to go. _Now._ " Ashe said, briefly coming back to drag me along. "The whole Freljord needs to be on high alert. Sejuani, we're going to have to stop our tribes from killing each other. Get the Winter's Claw to halt their advance as quickly as possible."

"You get the Avarosan to reinforce their defenses." Sejuani replied. "We'll need to prepare for an assault."

Ashe nodded. "We'll split up after we take the other tunnel. Then we'll rejoin each other once the preparations are made."

"I'll see you there, then." Sejuani took off at a sprint down the other tunnel, Ashe following close behind. I, on the other hand, was left at the entrance, dumbfounded.

"Huh." I said. "Well, how about that? You so much as whisper 'Frozen Watchers' and they snap out of it long enough to get their shit together." I grunted. "I'll have to keep that in mind for next time."

A sudden realization came to mind. "HEY GUYS WAIT WHAT ABOUT ME WHAT DO I DO?!" I yelled as I ran off to join them.

* * *

The plan sounded all fine and dandy, but since life has a serious vendetta against everybody (I was going to have to look into which god I'd recruited by mistake to cover that, because I had a lot of complaints to file), the plan was pretty much moot when we exited the tunnel and out onto the open snow.

It started with red.

Or, to be more specific, the sickening squelch that resulted in red.

"...Guys?" I asked, looking down while using my eye as a flashlight. "Is snow supposed to be squishy and red?"

They stopped. "...I don't believe so." Ashe replied.

"Then I suggest we start running. Because red snow has me _extremely_ worried." We all took off at a sprint, our legs pounding through the scarlet snow as we hurried. The snow was darker, almost black in some areas, and the slight crunch that followed occasionally meant that there was something underneath. I didn't care to find out what it was.

Next came black.

It was night when we exited into the open Freljord, but the stars weren't out. _That_ was weird. The Freljord has one of the best views of the night sky in all of Runeterra, second only to Mount Targon. But today, the sky was pitch-black, void of any life.

But the snow was the indication of the first problem.

Dark pellets of frost gently floated down from the sky, the color of ash. That _definitely_ wasn't normal. It was a dirty, filthy color, that coated the entire landscape ahead. On the bright side, it kinda looked like a massive Oreo. On the downside, it was probably a disgusting Oreo, that's been left outside in the dirt for too long.

Then there was orange.

A fiery, ghastly orange that came up in numerous stacks on the horizon, tiny pinpricks of light that were followed by the ashen black of snow. That explained _one_ problem, at least.

(AN: Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.)

Shut it, now's not the time for Avatar. That's for TV-Bingewatch-Night. And I mean Last Airbender, not Legend of Korra. That show was a disgrace.

I'd _seen_ that orange before. And heard the deep rumbling that followed. The smell was the last thing to hit me. It was the smell of rotting flesh and boiling blood. The stench of death.

But then, just when I thought that was the worst of it, I saw the bodies.

Corpses were strewn about the area, hacked to pieces and barely recognizable. Some were Avarosan. Others Winter's Claw. They had heads bludgeoned inward, arms torn off, and some just appeared to have drowned in their own blood. Others were charred to a crisp, half of their bodies a burnt lump of skin, while the rest were impaled on weapons of Dark Ice.

"... _Gods._ " Ashe cupped a hand to her mouth, mortified. "How could anyone have _done_ this?" Sejuani was at a loss for words, limply dragging her gaze across the carnage.

I walked forward, delicately stepping over the remains of the fallen warriors. I skimmed my eyes across their corpses, looking for clues, although I already had an inkling of an idea.

I crouched down in front of one in particular, who'd had his skull bashed into fragments. It was a gruesome scene, and I could feel my anger bubbling up as I took in the sight. Nidalee had taught me to figure out what animals lived in your current environment by observing the corpses of the prey they left behind. Each predator had a distinct way of killing its targets, and if one had a trained eye, they could pick out the necessary details.

"Helios, get away from there." Sejuani said. "It's disrespectful to the dead to defile their bodies." She paused. "I may have raided many villages during my initial conquest of my territory, but we always burned the bodies of those who died fighting us. We even held feasts in their honor for proving themselves as worthy opponents."

Ashe regarded her with an astounded look. I guess it surprised her that even the Winter's Wrath knew proper respect. "I'll only be a minute." I informed. "Just need to examine the body." I delicately traced the edges of the skull where it had caved in, observing the individual cracks and openings.

"His skull was smashed by a blunt weapon, most likely a club." I noted. "There's also a faint chill along the edges, stronger than the snow around us. That indicates Pure Ice, as some corpses here have dark veins around them to show wounds inflicted by Dark Ice." I glanced up at the burning stacks of orange. "Trolls."

" _Trundle._ " Sejuani sneered. "I should've mounted his head on a pike when I had the chance back at the Institute."

A gurgling cough cut off her next sentence, coming from the edges of the pile of bodies. We ran towards the source, buried underneath a heap of dead warriors. We didn't care how unsanitary they were, we began tossing them aside frantically. The exclamation was revealed to have come from an Avarosan soldier, with the point of a spear impaling his ribcage. It was a miracle that he was still alive at all, regardless of the fact that his fate was inevitable.

"M-My...my lady Ashe." He gasped, amidst the crimson seeping through his teeth. "You have returned."

"What happened?" Ashe asked frantically, cupping his cheek while her other hand felt over the shaft of the spear, as if that would pull it out. "Where are the others?"

"Back...back at Frostheld." He replied. "They...c-came across the b-border...we thought we would hold against th-the initial assault...but then the machines came...and those damned t-trolls."

"How many are there?" The Frost Archer asked.

"D-Dozens." The soldier coughed, gritting his teeth and letting his head fall back. " _It hurts..._ _oh, gods it hurts._ "

"Shhh." Ashe stroked his cheek, a pained look in her eyes to go with her calm façade. "It won't hurt for much longer."

"A-Are you...going to help them?" He asked, trembling.

"Yes." Ashe said. "I won't let the Noxians win. Our people will not become slaves to those tyrants, I promise."

"Thank you." He rasped. "It was an honor serving you, my Queen. I am... grateful th-that you would g-grant...me the chance to meet you in p-person."

"And Lady S-Sejuani?" He focused on the Winter's Wrath. "I know that you are...supposed to be my enemy, but if I may...would you give assistance to my Queen? This is...my dying wish, and I ask this as a fellow warrior...who...respects your strength-" He began coughing up blood again, the snow becoming spattered with red.

Sejuani nodded. "I have already pledged my aid."

He sighed, loosening up. "What is your name, brave soldier?" Ashe asked. "It would not do me justice to remember you as one of many."

"G-Gavin." He replied. "My name is Gavin."

"Then rest, Gavin." Ashe whispered, gently moving her hand from his cheek to his forehead. "I thank you for your service."

His breathing slowed, eyelids shut and muscles fell still, until he was gone.

If one payed close enough attention, they could see two faint shimmers, one light, one dark, crouched near the body. The light shimmer drew forth a bow, which shot the body in the heart.

I nodded in gratitude. _Thank you, Kindred._ I thought to myself. _Just what he needed._

"Ashe." Sejuani said. "We must go."

She didn't answer, looking over the body for a moment, then stood, a fierce fire burning in her eyes.

"I am not an advocate of war." Ashe said. "But on this day, the Noxians will feel my _wrath._ "

Sejuani grinned, a fire of the same intensity raging within her gaze as well. "I may have misjudged you, Ashe. There might be hope for you yet."

"Now, if I know my pig..." She murmured, studying the dark horizon. She let out a shrill whistle through her teeth, then waited. A few seconds later, Bristle bounded across a hill of snow from our right, skidding to a stop in front of his master.

"Bristle!" Sejuani exclaimed, jubilant. "You found me!" Bristle snorted happily, leaning forward to nuzzle her. "Who's a good boy? You are! Yes you are!" Sejuani cooed, scratching the underside of his chin. "Who wants a treat? Bristle wants a treat?"

Bristle wagged his tail, grunting his assent.

" _Not until we've ground our enemies into dust._ " Sejuani growled.

Bristle seemed fine with that. If anything, he seemed eager.

"Shall we?" Sejuani gestured to Bristle's saddled. "I think it's time we show the Noxians what happens when you wage war on the Freljord."

* * *

The ride to the battlefield wasn't all that comfortable, but at least we looked cool. I think.

I was sandwiched between Ashe and Sejuani on Bristle's back, which, to any other guy, would've been heaven, if you catch my drift. However, since I was spoken for, it was just plain uncomfortable. For one thing, Bristle's saddle was only ideal for one person. Sure, he could carry all three of us just fine, but it was annoying how I could barely breathe with how close we all had to squeeze together.

We were making good progress, but we still had a ways to go before we intercepted the siege in process, which wasn't looking in our favor. The trail of bodies was a dead giveaway.

...

...

...Sorry. Bad pun.

"How much longer?!" Ashe shouted over the wind, clutching the fabric of her hood.

"We're almost there!" Sejuani replied. "We're only a few miles out from Frostheld, and if the smokestacks and black snow are any indication, that's where we need to be!"

"How are we supposed to fight them if we can't even see them?!" I asked. "In case you haven't noticed, nighttime plus black snow equals zero visibility! I can barely see my hand in front of my face!"

"We'll figure something out!" Ashe answered. "Right now, we have other priorities!"

"Oh, perfect, winging it!" I said. "Why not? It's not like the entire Freljord is depending on a solid plan or anything!"

" _HELIOS, SHUT UP!_ " Ashe and Sejuani yelled simultaneously.

"All right, geez." I muttered. "Make a joke and everyone hates you for it, fine, I get it..."

As we got closer, the raging flames of the Noxian war machines got brighter. Pinpricks of blue and indigo dotted the darkness around them, signifying weapons of Pure and Dark Ice. Welp, there be our trolls.

What was happening to Frostheld, and the Freljordians, was the real problem.

The Iceflow Glacier stood proudly, a glowing blue beacon of light through the ash and smoke. The only problem was that the mood really didn't fit the situation. The glacier had suffered a catapult strike to one side, biting a huge chunk out of the ice, while Avarosa's statue had been reduced to the bottom half of a dress. Ashe had a particularly violent string of curses in stock to respond to that little detail. Explosions went off every other second, rubble and debris flying in all directions. The fighters themselves weren't doing much better. Avarosan and Winter's Claw were haphazardly scattered throughout the battlefield, completely unorganized, even with several Freljordian champions leading their own divisions. Anivia was occupied with commanding the archers along the walls of the glacier, while Braum held the city gates with his own men. Gragas, who had shown up out of the blue, was at the front of a charge of slurring, screaming drunkards, courtesy of a single glass of Graggy Ice. The largest group was headed by Tryndamere, his huge abs and pecs single-handedly holding off an onslaught of Noxians and trolls. The Winter's Claw weren't as, uh...cooperative. They were even butting heads with each other, and Udyr appeared to be the only one with a remotely level head. Well, I say _level-headed,_ but I really mean that he was too busy going Thor-Meets-Steve Irwin-Meets-Jackie Chan on the enemy to care. Volibear and Olaf weren't getting along well. Let's just leave it at that.

Oh, and then there were the war machines.

Fierce, hulking heaps of metal, armed to the teeth in every sense of the word. Seriously, they even had churning serrated blades placed at the front of each one like a psychopathic lawn-mower, and whenever a Freljordian warrior didn't get out of the way in time...yikes. Crossbows as big as trucks mounted at the "shoulders," treads fitted with spikes, catapults, honey-badger launchers (I kid. No one's stupid enough to do that), thermite cannons (fancy!), poison gas canisters, you name it and chances are it was on the things. A few of them were even manned by trolls (would that be trolled, then?). One in particular got my attention, barking orders to subordinates and Noxian soldiers while smashing a gigantic club at anyone who attempted to climb up. _Trundle._

"Can't your men _ever_ get along, Sejuani?" Ashe asked, annoyed. "They're going to cost us the fight!"

"Oh, just leave it to me to whip them into shape." Sejuani scowled. "But how are we going to handle those machines? Zaun has a tendency to build things that aren't exactly safe!"

"What am I, chopped liver?" I asked. "Get me close, and I'll take care of the rest."

"Are you sure?" Ashe inquired. "Even you won't live through gas that'll sear your flesh!"

"I'm the main character!" I retorted. "The fans would throw a fit if I died?"

"What-"

"Not important, just get me over there!" I commanded.

Sejuani nodded her understanding, digging her knee into Bristle's right flank to steer him to the left. Awkwardly propping myself up into a crouched position, I tensed the muscles around my hamstrings and knees as we came up to the far right of the line of juggernauts, Ashe scooting as far back as she could without falling off to give me room.

"This is as close as I can get you!" Sejuani informed, when we were a few meters away. "You have to jump _now!_ "

"Right!" I replied. "Knees, don't fail me now!"

And with that, I sprang from the giant boar, legs lengthening to their fullest extent as I leapt with both arms outstretched towards the moving colossus.

" _TIL' VALHALLAAAAAAAAAAAAA!_ " I yelled, soaring towards my target.

I hit the edge of the vehicle's lower platform with an _oomph,_ fingers scraping for purchase along the edge. "Whoa!" I said as I slipped, nearly falling off while dangling from one arm. The bladed treads of the vehicle were beneath me, so if I so much as let one finger slip I'd be Helios à la Dead. Doesn't sound very appetizing, does it?

Using my own shredded abs and chiseled biceps, I heaved myself over the edge, grunting with the effort. It wasn't that I was heavy; my Freljordian armor just made things difficult. It was just a tad too bulky for my tastes. But hey, when the montage video rolled out it would still look good. Unsheathing Shiver Storm, I began climbing up the rigging, heading for the railing up top. A single troll was on watch at the edge, lazily fingering his teeth with a rot-covered fingernail. Gross.

"There's an intruder on the-" I grabbed his collar and threw him over the railing as he noticed me, grinding himself into paste below. "Sorry, what?" I called down. "You didn't finish!"

I climbed over, now on the top platform of the juggernaut. Various tubes filled with green goo and chemical shit lined the area, which was probably the main power source. I would've gone for it, but that would've only taken down just one machine. I needed to get rid of _all_ of them.

Assorted trolls and Noxians noticed that their friend had been replaced with Yours Truly (a definite improvement, I don't know why they were so mad, I'm infinitely more handsome), and promptly drew their weapons.

I sighed. "Why is it never easy?"

I stepped forward, parrying the strike of a spear from a troll, then kicking him in the knee, snapping the bone beneath the skin. I cuffed the side of his head with the pommel of my blade, knocking him over the railing. Stepping up the stairs to the control room of the juggernaut, I tripped a Noxian coming down with his sword drawn, then made a clean cut from his neck to the bottom of his spine. Interestingly enough, his body began to freeze over, veins of blue stemming from the wound and throughout his body. Neat. I could make popsicles with a sword.

Without halting my momentum from my spin slash, I blocked an overhead strike, then twisted my back to the next attacker, impaling him through the chest. I spun the other way, slicing his body in half to deflect a sideways jab from the dagger of a troll. I thrust his blade to the side and lopped off his head, ducking under another troll's club and elbowing him in the ribs, momentarily moving away to block the swing of an inferior axe, which really was only acceptable in the hands of a three-year-old. But hey, that's just my opinion.

I made an overhead swing, chopping through his forehead, then whipped around to grab the first troll's neck, kneeing him in the balls (because I was feeling malevolent) and throwing him over the side. I dug Shiver Storm out from the Noxian's forehead, moving up to the control room's door. I made an X-shaped cut, slicing the door into 4 pieces, stepping through the doorway. The Noxian at the helm turned his head to see me approaching, drawing a sword and lunging forward with a yell. In reply, I cut through his waist.

"Alright..." I went over to the controls, looking over the various buttons and levers. "Where can I find the 'Screw Everything Up' switch?"

I began randomly toying with different switches, causing various mechanics of the juggernaut to activate, before finding a lever that looked promising. I shoved it to the left, but instead of the damned thing going left, it went _right._ What was it with Zaunites and their messed up mechanics?

"Not that way not that way not that way- _AAAGH!_ " I screamed, as a sudden piercing pain penetrated the space in between my shoulder and collar. It stung like fire (irony hates me, doesn't it?), and was attached to the mouth of a troll, who'd decided sinking his fangs (and dear gods, are they long) into my skin from behind was a good idea. Trundle has a bad habit of teaching his subjects to fight dirty. A little bit of foul play is acceptable most of the time (that's combat for you; you either win or die), but chomping on someone's neck is going way too far.

Growling with irritation (and more pain), I clumsily grabbed the troll by the neck, throwing him off my shoulder and onto the metal floor with a _snap._ That had come from the troll's fangs being pried from his gums, as trolls have such a high level of jaw strength that you literally have to pry their teeth from their mouths to get them off you. I brought my foot down hard on the troll's neck with a sneer, snapping it in two. I grimaced as I felt over the teeth still embedded in my skin through the cracks in my armor (Trundle also liked to elevate the intelligence levels of his subjects, including things like where to look for weaknesses in your opponents). Wincing and gritting my teeth with the pain, I plucked each one out. That was gonna leave a scar, but hopefully Raka would think it was sexy.

"Okay. Let's try this again." I said, shoving the lever to the right. The Noxian juggernaut went left this time, and I whooped in celebration.

" _DIRTY DANCIN' IN THE MOONLIGHT, TAKE ME DOWN LIKE I'M A DOMINO!_ " I sang randomly, because that was what the plan involved.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking." I said to myself as I bolted out the doorway. "We regret to inform you that our intended trajectory to Frostheld has been canceled, because a handsome, charismatic badass decided to divert our course. Apologies for the inconvenience, but we regret to inform you that the badass will _not_ be handing out autographs. Otherwise, have a nice day!"

I sprinted to the railing on the other side of the juggernaut, waiting as I got closer to the other monstrosities to the left. Several trolls and Noxians cried out in alarm, but by then my occupied vehicle had already rammed into the side of theirs. I sprang from the railing, jumping over to it as mine began to tilt over, sparks flying from treads clashing blades. I didn't even entertain myself with my new friends, running straight for the other side as the second vehicle began to fall over like its predecessor. "Dosvidanya!" I waved behind me, leaping from the edge of the railing.

I repeated this process several times, the whole thing reminiscent of a giant game of Domino's. I kept jumping, moving from juggernaut to juggernaut until I reached my target: the largest machine in the center, overseen by the Not-Really-Troll-King-Because-He-Can't-Troll-People, Trundle.

" _OH, TRUNDYYYYYYYYYYY!_ " I yelled, as I cleared the last stretch of distance. "I have a fist here with your name on it!"

"Helios." Trundle gave a toothy, rotting grin from a platform above the main deck that overlooked the entire vehicle, his head a dark silhouette against the roaring fires coming from the smokestacks near the front. "Come to crash the party?"

"Well, you know, the neighbors are complaining that you're being too loud." I shrugged. "They sent me to quiet things down."

"You've gotten pretty far, sunshine, I'll give you that." Trundle replied. "But the boss wants your head, along with the princess and pig. Sorry, but this is as far as you go."

" _Boys, get down there and bring me his head!_ " The troll commanded. "I want it served on a pike!"

I cracked my neck as trolls began climbing over the railing and dropping to the main deck, weapons drawn and fangs bared. Each one was armed with Dark Ice, which meant that if I died, it was going to be _especially_ unpleasant.

Trundle lazily leaned against the railing as the trolls advanced, their eyes glowing crimson in the night air. I couldn't help but feel a little insulted. What, the skinny little goblin didn't consider me worth his time? Uh, _no._ If he wanted me dead, he'd have to do it himself. I wasn't going to die from a bunch of half-rate Snowdown elves that worked for Krampus. It was either the big one or no one.

Five trolls lunged out of the ring, aiming for different parts of my body that weren't covered with armor. I performed a two-handed swing (well, duh, it's a two-handed sword) in a spin around me, drawing blood that was a deep, frozen blue (trolls actually have blue blood, which is admittedly neat). It wasn't enough to kill them, but it got them to retreat, snarling at my sword.

"Oh, you recognize this bad boy?" I smirked. "That means good news for you, boys. You get to die from something famous."

Trundle's interest was now piqued. He leaned over the railing, giving a pleasantly surprised grin (he doesn't do smiles; they're too friendly looking). " _Well, well,_ if it isn't the legendary blade Skælveuvejr!" He whistled. "That blade's got one helluva history." Trundle glanced at the club on his back. "You could even say it's more famous than Boneshiver here."

"Yeah, well apparently it can kick Lissandra's ass, along with the Frozen Watchers, so that doesn't really surprise me." I said.

Trundle chuckled. "Yeah, it can. Which is why my boss wants it gone, along with anyone else who stands in her way." He raised his arms in a helpless gesture. "What the boss wants, the boss gets, so if she wants your head, I've gotta deliver."

"I dunno, it's pretty expensive." I replied. "I don't think she could afford the price of shipping and handling."

"I wouldn't worry too much about that." Trundle said. "So long as she can tell it's yours, she doesn't care how smashed it is. She'd probably even let me keep that sword of yours too, if I asked."

He vaulted over the railing with one hand, drawing Boneshiver from his back with the other." He struck the ground with his club as he landed, frost spreading from the weapon and across the deck.

"Change of plans, boys." Trundle said in malevolent glee, pointing Boneshiver at my chest. "I've got dibs on this one. You can have the scraps."

* * *

 ** _Bitch, do you know who you talkin' to?_**

 ** _Hope you liked this chapter, and once again, don't forget to check the poll at the top of my profile page! Only you can decide what my next story will be! Until next time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	27. Til Ikea, Because Valhalla's Boring

_**Hey everybody, we're back. Yeah, it's a bit early for a new chapter, but I had to get this thing cranked out as quickly as possible. I've got some school stuff to take care of over the weekend. You know how it is. But, I doubt all of you are complaining, am I right? So, I have a few things to go over before we start the current chapter. So, as some of you may have noticed, I recently posted another, shorter story that revolves around Terry Crews joining the League of Legends, Old Spice references and all. It looks like people like it, so I may end up continuing further. But, just to forewarn you, it won't be for a while. TDHA has to take up 100% of my focus and attention most of the time. I'll probably update it whenever I just happen to have enough time. Also, it looks like OW x LoL is becoming the favorite successor to this**_ _ **fic. So, I'm already starting to lean towards that. And just so you know, if that idea does become the victor, McCree x MF will be a ship. I underlined that part so you couldn't miss it. Anyways, last time on Dragon Ball Helios, our hero was getting ready for a fight with Trundle. Is the outcome obvious? Yes. Is it still going to be entertaining to watch? Uh, YEAH! This'll probably be the last chapter in the Freljord arc, and then we're moving to Ionia for FunTime with Helios-Senpai. NOW LET'S GET IT ON!**_

* * *

I rolled my shoulders, loosening my neck. "So, how do you wanna do this?" I asked. "Are you gonna attack first, or...what?"

"Up to you." Trundle shrugged. "Your head's still rolling off your shoulders, so do whatever you want."

"Big words from a guy who can only win by cheating." I replied. "What're you gonna do now that none of your little tricks will work, huh?"

"Remember what I always say, sunshine?" Trundle smirked.

" _Outsmart anyone you can't beat. Beat anyone you can't outsmart._ " I deadpanned. "Yes. Yes, Trundle, I remember perfectly well what you always say."

"Then you should know how this fight's gonna go." He replied. "The boss is gonna _love_ having your skull on her wall. She might even use your back as a footstool, if you're lucky."

"Oh, joy." I said drily. "Nothing like serving as a witch's footstool, is there?"

"That'll be for you to find out." Trundle almost lovingly caressed Boneshiver, regarding me with a maniacal grin. "Shall we get started, then? I'm on the clock, and you've already taken up way too much of my schedule."

"Fine by me." I went into a ready position, firmly holding Shiver Storm with both hands. "Trundy, prepare thine arse for one helluva beatdown-"

An explosion off in the distance briefly interrupted me, catching my attention. It was particularly close to Frostheld, which was worrying. I could only hope that everyone else was doing alright-

 _SMACK!_

My chin, along with the rest of my body, was flung skyward and back from the impact Boneshiver created. The cheeky little bastard hit me when I wasn't ready! That was just plain unfair! _I_ sure as hell didn't do that to people!

I went tumbling across the deck, Trundle immediately following up with an overhead swing headed towards my skull. I blocked with Shiver Storm, then swept Trundle's legs out from under him. I regained my footing, slashing horizontally at his neck, but Trundle performed a similar parry, thrusting me off with sheer strength alone.

The thing about trolls is that they're deceptively strong. About three times as strong as a regular Freljordian, and five times as strong as an average human being. But don't worry, guys! In no way does that prevent them from cheating in fights whenever they can! Yay!

I stumbled backwards, parrying random strikes from Boneshiver, then returning fire (ice?) with several heavy blows of my own. Every time our weapons clashed, frozen sparks of frost flickered, coating the makeshift arena in a thin layer of ice. Trundle, as previously established, was a dirty fighter, often attempting to trip me or go for the, ah...sensitive spots. But not to worry, I have balls of steel.

Trundle managed to get a lucky shot in, hitting me in the shoulder where I'd been bitten by that other troll a while ago. I gasped and stumbled with the abrupt eruption of pain, before feeling my arm starting to go numb. Damn Pure Ice. It could be incredibly inconvenient at the worst of times.

The Troll King lunged, springing with his club aimed at my neck, but realized all too late that I had the extremely badass Cheese Power of grabbing people by the neck when they lunged at me. I threw him into the opposite wall, the metal folding in on itself and leaving a huge dent in the material. Trundle wasn't finished, though. As soon as he hit the ground, he slammed Boneshiver into the metalwork, a thick layer of permafrost glossing over the earlier coating. I stepped back, uncertain as to whether I should go for it or not. I'd never learned to ice skate, which in hindsight sounded like a useful skill to learn. Trolls, however, can walk across ice just fine. Great.

Trundle didn't even finish at that point, either. Pillars of ice erupted from the Frozen deck around me, forcing me to clumsily dodge and dash out of the way of each one. I was soon entrapped in a circular ring of pillars, with nowhere to go but up. Trundle climbed up a pillar behind me, then jumped, landing feet-first on my shoulders.

Oh, _hell no._ I was _not_ going to be a bull at a rodeo. Especially if that bull was going to be turned into beef stew, considering how trolls liked to bite people. There've even been a few reports of rabies now and then. Yikes.

I grabbed Trundle by one leg just as his fangs neared my neck (his breath smelled awful, too), tossing him off. "You know what? I don't even have time to deal with you." I said with a scowl. "Have a taste of nature, you Mordor orc reject!"

I stomped the ground hard, causing a tremor to shake the vehicle. No, I didn't use Earthquake, although it _would_ have been effective, even against an Ice Type. It was more like Frenzy Plant, really. Gee, just what type of Moemon am I? I'm basically a Fire-Grass-Fighting-Psychic(Gravity)-Dragon-Steel(Molten metal) type. Game Freak and Nintendo would have a helluva time figuring _that_ out.

Anyways, what happened in reality was that dry, barren branches ranging from twigs to OH MY GODS WHY sprung from the deck, tearing through the pillars and any trolls unlucky enough to get in the way. Trundle himself was lucky enough to escape with a mere scratch, but he'd still gotten the message.

"Right, you." I advanced on the retreating pro of playing dirty, who was clutching the gash across his ribs with his free hand. I smacked him with the flat of Shiver Storm as a form of payback, then pinned him to the ground with one foot. "Where's your boss?"

"Gone." Trundle grinned. "And she's taken the Watchers with her. You really think that Swain wanted to conquer the princesses' turf?" He laughed. Good gods, his breath smelled bad, like rotting fish mixed with puke. "He was just buying time so that my boss could get her masters free. Have fun dealing with 'em when the assault on Demacia begins."

I sighed. Well, dang it. I was going to have a Selene-level rant at my idiocy when I was done.

Then I delivered a swift punch to his jaw, knocking him out cold (couldn't resist, sorry). Looping one of his arms around my shoulder, I trudged up the stairs to the control deck, flipping the necessary switch. I then kicked through the windows, and with a spring in my step, hopped off the juggernaut.

The explosions that followed behind me confirmed that I'd succeeded in bringing down the artillery. Now I had to deal with the cavalry and ground troops. There was just the issue of where to put Trundle.

And so, I ultimately decided to place him in a snowman, because I really have a hard time resisting the need to play practical jokes. Then, by experimenting with Shiver Storm's status as a giant popsicle, I froze it, turning it into the world's most humiliating prison.

"I'll get back to you later." I informed. "I just have to go kill all your men and then, y'know, flaunt it in your face."

* * *

Hey. Guys.

What time is it?

 _ADVENTURE TIME_ -

No? Let me try again.

 _IT'S HIGH NOON_ -

Still no? Hmm.

Oh, got it!

It's time to Kick All The Asses!

Cue the music, people! And I mean the cool music, like in Lord of the Rings whenever shit was about to go down. Yeah, yeah, I'm a nerd. But guess what? SO ARE YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING THOSE REFERENCES, YOU HYPOCRITES!

Ahem. Sorry. Right, where were we? Oh, yeah, the fightsies. Bring on the pain.

The battle was going better, now that the Noxian war machines were out of the way. Now I just had to find a way to win. Luckily for us, Ashe and Sejuani already had that part covered.

The two of them had delivered on their promise to whip everyone into shape, and what had previously been the equivalent of a herd of bulls on Valentine's Day had been sorted out and thoroughly organized. The trolls and Noxians weren't dealing with mere peasants anymore. They were now dealing with a united army that would defend Ikea to the _death._

Avarosan and Winter's Claw were now working side-by-side, helping each other to push the line and drive the enemy back. Ashe, Sejuani and Tryndamere were frequently barking out orders to their legions, directing them wherever the tide of battle demanded. The only one who looked unhappy with this development was Olaf, who was finding it practically impossible to die. Sejuani had him on a particularly tight leash. She wanted her "little boars" someday, after all. They weren't going to breed themselves.

No, I know what you're thinking, and _don't even._ The very thought of that implication gives me shudders.

Oh, you know _exactly_ what I'm talking about, don't play dumb with me. I can't even discuss it openly because of the poor, extremely censor-minded idiots who don't get my meaning.

I drew my axe alongside Shiver Storm, because not only was I strong enough to do so, but I needed to channel my inner Gandalf. Get me a goblin king, some dwarves and a hobbit and we're good to go. Although, Trundle kind of fit the goblin king profile, more or less.

(AN: Would you quit breaking the fourth wall, you idiot?! You're making this story less believable!)

Shut up, the fans love it when I poke fun at Ikea.

(AN: Heh. I'll admit, it's funny. But then again, I'm the author, so naturally I would.)

So, if you're manipulating the universe, can I get a cookie?

(AN: Sure.)

*Munch*...(Promptly spits out cookie) _YOU ASSHOLE! THIS IS AN OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE! I THOUGHT IT WAS CHOCOLATE CHIP!_

(AN: AND IT WAS HILARIOUS! GYAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!)

Why do you do this to me?

(AN: Fool, I don't give people free handouts. The only thing I'll be handing out is _pain._ And sometimes mockery.)

Forget I asked. I need to get the story moving again.

I made my way to a straggling regiment of Noxians in the back, hoping to catch up with the main group. They were pretty small in numbers, just around fifty men, and yeah, that's considered small. They were accompanied by a few trolls, but not enough to make it a problem. I doubted that it'd be a problem.

" _WELL, HI!_ " I shouted as I barreled into their rear, swinging my blades. They immediately turned around, attempting to fend off my attack, but really, what did they think they were gonna do?

I swung my axe overhead, into the shoulder of a nearby Noxian, then swiped Shiver Storm in a backhand slash, removing him of his head. I parried an incoming sword underhanded, then spun to cleave through his midsection with my axe. I began cutting through their ranks one after the other, often in sets of three from just one swing of my axe. Shiver Storm often served as my defensive weapon, utilised to parry, block and retaliate. Wherever it struck, a frozen corpse followed, the ground underneath my feet coated in red stained with blue. This was intense, and I was loving every single second of it.

A burst of fire took out the last few, and I ran to join the others, ducking around arrows and cutting down enemies where I could. " _JOIN ME, BROTHERS!_ " I shouted randomly. " _TONIGHT, ODIN AND THOR WATCH OVER US! AND SHOULD WE PERISH, THEN WE FEAST IN VALHALLA! OR AT LEAST GO SHOPPING AT IKEA!_ "

The Freljordians roared their approval, even if they were just a tad bit confused. "About time that you brought down those machines!" Sejuani remarked, steering Bristle as she attacked with her whip. "Where's Trundle?"

"I dealt with him!" I informed, launching a wave of flames at advancing enemies. "How're we doing so far?"

"Better than we were earlier!" Ashe replied, firing off arrows a hairsbreadth apart. "We can definitely win this! What about Lissandra and the Watchers? Where are they?"

"Gone!" I answered, stabbing a troll through the heart. "Swain's assault was just a distraction to get them free! These guys we're fighting probably aren't even his best men!"

"Coward!" Sejuani barked. "What kind of fight are we having if he won't even send out his best men?!" She got a familiar look in her eye, and I cringed at the thought of what would follow.

You see, there are lots of things that make Sejuani angry.

But there are only a select few things that get her triggered.

When that happens, _run for the hills._ If you're lucky, you might make it halfway.

One of those things that trigger her is when someone doesn't take a fight with her seriously. If you've ever wanted to see what it looks like when someone wets themselves and then their pee freezes, just look at the people who trigger Sejuani in the Freljord.

Sejuani let loose a devastating war cry, which shook the ground and rattled nearby mountains. "Oh, boy." One Winter's Claw muttered. "Here we go again." A friend clubbed him on his helmet to shut him up before Sejuani heard him.

She launched into the enemy line on Bristle, swinging her whip and every direction as she barreled through their ranks. The Noxians, renowned for their bravery and strength, decided that as the brave Sir Robin had done, they would bravely run away.

There's a reason why Sejuani's a champion and they're not, folks. Ain't nobody wanna make _any_ champion mad, especially Lux. Don't believe me? It's always the nice ones that are the scariest when they're pushed past their breaking point. What happens when Lux gets angry? _Lasergeddon._

"Sejuani, wait up!" I complained. "We're supposed to have fun too!" Were we experiencing a total disaster a little bit earlier? Absolutely, but once the big guns (me and whoever else I bring with me) start aiming down the sights, then it turns into entertainment. We just start to have fun with kicking ass. And why wouldn't we? We're good at it.

But don't think that I've never had a difficult fight in my life, boys and girls. When will I show evidence for this? Soon. And not just once, either. My little account's going to reveal some pretty...unpleasant moments in terms of personal experiences. But that's for later. You'll see, just wait.

"Alright, screw it guys, let's ult!" I announced. A roar of approval met my suggestion, which meant that Sejuani was drunk on power. Ashe and the others didn't need to answer. They knew I knew they agreed.

...Wow. Try saying _that_ three times fast.

TheyknewIknewtheyagreedtheyknewIknewtheyagreedTheyIknewagreedtheyIknew-pfghfpgffff _FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU-_

Ugh. I hate tongue-twisters.

Anyways, prepare thine collective anuses, because it's time for Play of the Game!

Ashe's bow began glowing a cold blue, light and frost accumulating around the tip of an arrow she had nocked.

Braum hefted his shield, the eyes of the ram adorning the front glowing even brighter than normal.

Frozen particles condensed around Anivia, swirling around her in the pattern of a churning vortex.

Gragas began shaking up his cask of alcohol, the nozzle at the front fizzing and frothing until it looked ready to burst.

Nunu, who I'd completely forgotten (but then again, hardly anyone remembers Nunu), began urging Willump to generate a frigid aura, the ice beneath their feet thickening and strengthening as the freezing winds grew more powerful.

Olaf smashed his axes together, bellowing with frenzied thrill over the blood spilt during the battle.

Sejuani drew a bola from her belt, spinning it around in the arm that wasn't holding her whip, Bristle still shredding through enemies with his tusks.

Tryndamere's eyes began to blaze red, veins bulging on his muscles as his fury simmered and boiled beneath the surface.

Udyr's body became coated with an aura of flames, the head and wings of a fiery bird appearing around him as he prepared to unleash the power of the phoenix.

Volibear started to crackle with electricity, booms of thunder and flashes of lightning accompanying the sight.

And as for me?

I stared down at Shiver Storm, uncertain as to whether I could fully contribute. So far, I'd only ulted once, and it hadn't ended well. I wasn't particularly fond of the idea of possibly burning down the entire Freljord, along with everyone in it.

Then, the blade flashed blue, and I felt a slight tremor pass through my arms.

 _Bitch, I got this._ The sword's message seemed to say. _You ain't worthy, punk, but I'll help you out this time around._

A weird thing for a sword to say, admittedly, but then again, it's a Freljordian blade. Freljordians are some of the spunkiest people you'll ever meet. I guess their weapons would only reflect that trait.

"Alright, then." I said, sighing. "Don't you disappoint me, you hear? This had better be cool."

 _You shit, I once bit a chunk out of a Watcher's ass, and you want to talk to_ me _about cool?_

Huh?

 _Now get a move on and swing me, already!_

Ashe unleashed an Enchanted Crystal Arrow, a lethal streak of icy death that completely tore through the enemy forces.

Braum's shield smashed into the ground, a Glacial Fissure erupting from the point of impact, throwing up turf and scattering Noxians and trolls in every direction imaginable.

Anivia whipped up a Glacial Storm with her wings, a hurricane of hail and ice that smashed into the enemy like a freight train.

Gragas tossed his Explosive Cask, which, oddly, seemed overly acidic. Enough said. It wasn't pretty to watch like the others.

Nunu and Willump burst out with a wave of Absolute Zero, which sounds way cooler than it looks.

Olaf was now immune to getting bashed in the face and stunned. It wasn't like anything could get through his dense head before, anyways.

Sejuani activated her Glacial Prison, making several regiments easy trampling fodder for Bristle.

Tryndamere was suddenly invincible, unable to die no matter how hard the Noxians hit him, even to the point where he was covered in his own blood.

Udyr let loose with Phoenix Stance, and promptly causing me to lose my appetite for barbecue. Eugh.

Volibear stormed (whoopsies, puns) through the Noxian line with Thunder Claws, which sounds like an Ursine rip-off of a season of ThunderCats.

And for the grand finale, there was me.

Unleashing a _torrent of freezing blue flames that came out like a tsunami,_ causing anyone caught in the blast (non-friendlies, I assure you) to be flash-frozen, then disintegrate into snow-white ash.

Frostfire.

It's one of the rarest forms of flame on the planet, and possibly the deadliest. It's the only thing capable of melting Pure and Dark Ice, as it's so cold that it will both freeze and _burn_ anything it touches.

In other words, it looked _dank._

 _"RETREAT!_ " A Noxian said ever-so-stereotypically, prompting the enemy to bravely run away. And they didn't even distract a three-headed giant to do so.

Well. This was going nicely.

"Play of the Game: Ashe as herself." An accented voice said.

"Goddamn it, Ashe, you stole all my kills!"

* * *

The battle lasted for about another fifteen minutes, before Ashe and Sejuani declared that we were triumphant. The celebration was somewhat muted, however. Everyone was exhausted, and even though we'd won, losses had been heavy. A ceremony was held to honor the fallen, the former rivals offering words of consolation to the families of the slain. Their fatigue was visible just about everywhere you looked, too. Ashe's knees had given way as soon as she was out of the public eye, having to be escorted to her chambers by a random subject that worked in the castle kitchens. Tryndamere was in the hospital, suffering from severe blood loss. He'd be okay, but it would be a while. Even Sejuani could barely stand, promptly collapsing against Bristle's back, knocked out before anyone could protest. Cleanup and organization were left to Anivia, who never needed sleep, the lucky overgrown snow chicken.

I actually had to support Braum as we headed back to his house, his magnificent 'stache sagging. That was severely depressing. I tossed him on his head, went to my own bed in the guest room, stripped down to my undergarments and threw the covers over me, unconscious as soon as my head hit the pillow.

The only problem with sleeping after a difficult day is that you have to endure some Freaky Dream Stuff.

Eminita _seriously_ needs to quit her habit of showing glimpses of the future through dreams. She might've actually done it to you, a few times. Have you ever had a dream one week, and then a week after something happens that's _exactly_ like what happened in your dream, and then you get a massive case of déjà vu and just have a "whoa" moment? That's Eminita, sending you a small glimpse into your future. She doesn't do it for any reason, really. She just likes to screw around with people.

But when it happens to _me,_ naturally I get Visions of Doom.

Needless to say, my night wasn't a happy one.

The sun going dark, giving way to a cold, indifferent illumination, contrasting against the black sky.

Water, filling my lungs and threatening to drown me as a searing pain enveloped the space above my heart.

Warwick, lunging for my throat, but when I looked at him, his fur and eyes began flashing into a different color, blinding me every time I looked. He let out a howl, and another how answered, before a dark blur tackled him from behind.

Raka screaming.

The roar of a dragon.

 _Don't think I'm done with you just yet, Helios._ A voice whispered. _Your suffering is just the beginning._

I awoke.

I winced, groaning as the ache in my shoulder decided to introduce itself. "What is it with trolls and biting people?" I asked no one in particular. Sitting up, I yawned and awkwardly stretched, swinging my feet over the edge of the bed, feeling numerous bones pop from the events of last night.

My eyes still adjusting to the light, I fumbled for the door in the shadows cast by the curtains, fingers wrapping around the knob after a few seconds of searching. I walked down the hall to the bathroom, turning on the bathtub after locking the door behind me. After testing the water to make sure it was warm enough, I stripped down and sank into the water with a blissful sigh, my thoughts hazy and unfocused. I'd just about forgotten about my dream, too. I could remember it had been about _something_ important, but I was content to forget. I wasn't in the mood for Eminita's shenanigans.

I lazily took a glance at Shiver Storm, resting in its scabbard on the floor to the side of my bed. Sighing, I reached for the blade, only to hiss with pain as something akin to both a static shock and frostbite arced up my arm.

 _Hell naw, boi._ The pulse emanating from the blade seemed to suggest. _I gave you a moment for the montage, so now we're done. Find another sword to molest with your grubby hands, you ain't my master._

Just...what?

The ache in my shoulder faded after a while, but the joints were still stiff, so after sufficiently washing myself off (I discovered to my horror that there had been a bit of teeth gunk in my hair from when Trundle tried to bite me), I got out, wrapped a towel around my waist, and snatched my underwear off the floor, returning to my room for some spare clothes. Flinging on a beige tunic with white shorts, I made my way to the kitchen, getting myself a cup of coffee and rummaging through Braum's fridge for some spare pancakes, placing them in the microwave. The Heart of the Freljord himself entered the room soon after, bleary-eyed and sore.

"Mornin'." I made a gesture with my mug, not even bothering to look up.

"I suppose." Braum plopped himself down in a stool across from me, the house shaking a little from the weight of his muscles. "We won the battle, at least."

"That we did." I agreed, finishing off my breakfast (even fatigue can't defeat my appetite). "So...what happens now?"

Braum shrugged. "I assume that we rebuild, and repair the damages dealt to the outer city. It is a shame about the statue of Avarosa, however. It required master craftsmanship, and I doubt that a suitable replacement will be ready anytime soon."

"I'll have to go to Ashe once I finish getting ready." I replied, draining the last few drops of coffee from my mug. "See if she'll help me out with defending Demacia, now that I've made good on my promise to deal with Sejuani and get rid of Noxian troops in the area."

He sighed. "She may not agree, Helios. You know this. We lost many good men last night, and the Avarosan will need to spend a good deal of time and resources rebuilding its defenses before we can consider offering aid."

"Well, it isn't just the Avarosan anymore, is it?" I asked. "What about Sejuani and the Winter's Claw? What're they doing now that the fighting's over?"

"I cannot say." Braum replied. "If you recall, you had to carry me to my room last night. I haven't had any time to ask them."

"Something to add to today's agenda, then." I affirmed, Braum nodding in agreement. "Grab some breakfast, get ready and then we'll head out. We should see if Tryndamere's gotten out of the hospital. Knowing him, he's probably at full health already."

"Sounds like a proper plan." Braum said. We went our separate ways to fix ourselves up, then regrouped to travel to the palace, bringing Shiver Storm with us. I had to wrap it up in leather from one of Braum's spare storage shelves, but otherwise I managed. It looked like my brief partnership with a badass blade had ended, which sucked.

Upon entering the main hall, we found that the Winter's Claw hadn't actually left. In fact, they hadn't moved at all. Most of them were still asleep, snuggling with their boars, others simply lounging around and munching on breakfast. They were even chatting with a few Avarosan, playing Scrabble (thank gods they weren't dealing in Monopoly, or worse, Uno) or just eating. It was a welcome sight after the shitstorm from yesterday.

But there was also the issue of Lissandra. She'd taken off, and brought the Frozen Watchers along for the ride. Wherever they were, they would be back soon, and I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't feeling friendly when they did. But that was something to discuss with the others, wherever they were.

"Hey, is Tryndamere out of the hospital yet?" I asked an Avarosan passing by. "We were just wondering if he was okay."

"He's in stable condition, from what the doctors said." She replied. "He'll be out by noon."

I sighed in relief. "Thanks. Good to know."

"No problem." She waved goodbye as she left, winking at me over her shoulder.

Braum nudged my ribs with a cheeky grin.

"Not. A word." I sternly glared.

"I won't say a thing." He promised.

I was bored again, so I kicked down the doors to the throne room like I had last time.

"Helios, _really?_ " Ashe asked, exasperated. "I _just_ had those fixed!"

"Don't care." I replied bluntly. "We need to talk- _whoah, ho boy._ " I stared. "What happened to _you two?_ " I asked.

Sejuani was there too, and both of them were covered in bumps and bruises, to the point where they looked like blueberries splattered with strawberry jam. Sejuani's right eye was swollen shut, and Ashe had a busted lip.

"We finally decided to settle our differences and have a final fight to see who would rule the Freljord." Ashe informed, looking embarrassed.

"What?" I asked. " _AND WE MISSED IT?!_ " I fell to my knees. " _NOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU AUTHOOOOOOOORRRRR!_ "

(AN: Mua. Ha. Ha.)

"So who won?" I asked.

"I did." Ashe replied.

"Cliché."

"Shut up. It was a hard-won battle. I only won because I sustained less damage from last night's battle."

I deadpanned.

"Okay, fine, maybe a little, but regardless," Ashe said. "we're done fighting."

"So...just like that?" I replied. "What's Sejuani gonna do if she can't rule?"

"Well..." Sejuani glanced at Ashe. "We've managed to come to an agreement. I will serve on Ashe's council, meaning I have a say in what direction the Freljord takes in terms of political engagements, and I've also been promoted to general of the newly formed Army of the Freljord."

"Did you just come up with that?" I asked.

"...Yes." They both replied.

"But regardless." Ashe said, straightening herself up to look officious. "Even though we may be weakened, we have become stronger than we've ever been. Demacia has the support of the Freljord!"

I grinned.

One down, two to go.

* * *

 _ **Welp, that's it for the Freljord arc. Next chapter, prepare for a buttload of references. And eventually a Kamehameha. You'll have to wait and see. For Syndra!Angst. Suspense, much?**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	28. Ninja Time!

**_All RIGHT, everyone, here it is! The next arc in our four-part battle against Noxus! Helios will be making his way to Ionia, where he will encounter ninjas, samurai, a seductive fox, an anthropomorphic monkey, and a crazy-ass masked murderer! Oh, plus references. SO MANY references._**

 ** _Oh, and I'm gonna have to call out a reviewer, Spiritual-Sister. Basically...what the HECK, lady? If you're going to post a review, at least make it worthwhile. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian too, and I applaud your dedication to God and Jesus, but this website really isn't the place to become an aspiring prophet. If you wanna preach, do it in church like everyone else. Plus, I don't really believe that these are the end times. Trump, the mango-in-chief, is certainly going to give it a go, but have a little faith in the human race. We've been through a lot worse things than this, we can make it. Hey, guys, have any of you had to deal with her and her random predictions? Just curious. But anyways, that's enough about someone who takes her religion way too seriously, LET'S GET ON WITH THE CHAPTER!_**

* * *

Trundle didn't look particularly happy, but oddly enough, it wasn't because I was leaving. Shame, I thought we'd had fun times together.

It actually appeared to be because he was still stuck inside a snowman when we found him, forced to endure wearing a top hat made of ice with a snow-carrot nose. Ashe, Tryndamere and Sejuani did _not_ look happy, and the Troll King swallowed at the thought of what his punishment would be. Not so cocky now, are ya Tryndy? He was dragged away to the cells deep beneath Frostheld, to await trial for threatening the Freljord. It wasn't every day that someone was charged with treason, so I was tempted to stay a bit longer just so I could witness it happen. But unfortunately, I had a job to do, and my peeps back home were counting on me to deliver reinforcements.

The day after Trundle was imprisoned, it was time for me to say my goodbyes (because I just wanted to have one day off to serve as a weekend; it was as close as I was gonna get). Most would be sad to see me leave, especially Braum, who was getting just a tad bit too emotional for everyone's liking. At one point he even blew his nose on Anivia's wing, the Cryophoenix looking absolutely mortified. I didn't know whether to find that funny or not. Braum has a very...gushy nose. Yikes.

"Well then." Ashe said, as we stood in front of the gates to Frostheld. "I suppose this is goodbye, then?" The dark clouds from the previous days had given way to a clear sky, the sun shining bright overhead. A temporary kindness, I guess, until I threw myself back into the fray. I wasn't going to get much time to rest, even if I did get some pretty cool moments for the montage video (oh yeah, it's coming) to compensate.

"For now." I replied. "We should be seeing each other soon, when you finally make it to Demacia." I chuckled. "Guess you and Jarvan will have to be buddies from now on, eh?"

"It looks that way, yes." She agreed. "I'm looking forward to seeing what we can accomplish together to improve relations between our two nations. Old wounds take time to heal, but they will." She briefly looked disappointed. "It's a shame that you can't stay for the coronation. Tryn's always been known as a bit of a party animal." Trynamere didn't even _try_ to disagree with that statement. Everyone knows his track record of never leaving a party sober.

"Well, you know how it is." I readjusted my bow and axe, slung over my back. I hadn't used my bow much lately, but that would soon change. Ninjas use bows when they're in the mood. "I can't be lingering for long; my duty to Demacia has to come first."

I grinned. "I don't believe I actually offered my congratulations yet, Your Majesty. The first Queen of the United Freljord, serving as a prime example for generations to come." Concern briefly interrupted my compliments. "Will you be able to handle it?"

"Course she will." Tryndamere looped an arm around her waist, gigantic in comparison to the Queen. "She's got _me!_ "

"I can always get her subjects in line if they misbehave, too." Sejuani cracked her knuckles. "It's been a while since I got to punch something on a regular basis."

"You've only gone without it for a day." Olaf grumbled. "And usually your training dummy is me."

"Watch it, smartass (who would've thought, right?)." Sejuani glanced over her shoulder. "Or you aren't getting any tonight."

Olaf promptly clamped his mouth shut.

Because swiggity swooty, he's gonna come for 'dat booty.

Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

"You should probably take this." I held out Shiver Storm, still wrapped in leather. "I've already got weapons, and this one doesn't seem to like me anymore."

Ashe gingerly took it from my hands, slowly unwrapping it as frost slowly accumulated around the edges of the material. She delicately pressed a finger to it, but yelped when she received the same shock I did.

 _Bitch, naw._ The sword said. I _definitely_ didn't imagine it, I was certain this time. _I've got one more generation to go before I let some punk swing me around, so I ain't killin' 'til_ you _start poppin' out heirs!_

 _What, surprised, dumbasses?_ Shiver Storm asked, upon seeing our dumbstruck expressions. _I'M A MAGIC SWORD. I'm a walking stereotype. Of_ course _I talk. You really are stupid, aren't you, you assholes?_

Dear gods, this was the spunkiest sword I'd ever seen in my entire life.

"Okay...I think I'm gonna _go..._ " I gestured to the horizon, in the direction of Ionia. "It's better for my sanity if I do."

Ashe smiled. "Take care, Helios." She offered one hand, and I shook it. "We're behind you on this."

 _LATER, ASS!_ Shiver Storm shouted. I elected to ignore it...him?

I nodded, and with one last wave to my friends, walked back to the gates of Frostheld to prepare. I was only wearing the loose tunic and pants that had been worn underneath my Freljordian armor, but they were still plenty warm. I'd have to be, to travel as fast as I would need to.

"Okay." I huffed, rolling my shoulders and placing my hands to the ground, bending one knee while stretching out the opposite leg. "This shouldn't take too long."

The world slowed around me. Plasma bolts accompanied by a dull whine crackled throughout the air. My breathing hitched. My muscles tightened in preparation. My eyes on the target area, the horizon that would give way to my destination hundreds of miles away.

I lunged forward, a sonic boom following a few seconds later. In less than an instant, I was halfway across the Freljord, heading for the frozen coast.

Ionia (and ninjas), here I come.

* * *

After hitting the coast, I elected to slow down, just enough so that it would take me about twenty minutes to get to Ionia. Reason? The Guardian's Sea, of course! It's absurdly abundant with life, from fish to Marai to whales. I wanted to enjoy the better parts of Runeterra, however briefly. Especially considering that the Guardian's Sea is the ultimate summer vacation destination. I mean, it wasn't summer when I traveled, but the Guardian's Sea is warm year-round. Nice, huh?

Running on water is an odd experience. It's a bit like running on a trampoline that feels like it's made of putty. It feels solid, at the speed you're going, but if you linger too long you'll sink. There's also the fact that your clothes have a pretty good chance of getting wet. That can be unpleasant.

As I sped over the rolling waves, I did a bit of sightseeing along the way. The odd thing about nature is that even though it hates me, it occasionally recognizes my authority, and then proceeds to flip the hell out. It's kinda like when one of your favorite celebrities comes to town. You promptly lose your shit and start fanboying/fangirling all over the place. It was the same with the fish, sharks, whales, etc. as I ran. _OMG GUYS IT'S HELIOS START FREAKING OUT_ would probably be what they were saying as they breached and frolicked in the water, if they could talk.

After waving at a few passing sailors (even though I was running too fast for them to see me properly), I decided to pick up the pace, streaking across the sea at a speed too fast for _anyone_ to catch.

And, less than one millisecond later...voilà. I had arrived.

Ionia, for a lack of a better word, is _MARVELOUS._

Nature is running rampant all the time there, and no matter how hard humanity tries to get a foothold, nature always gives humanity a firm spanking as a result. A bit like the Freljord, but with more trees. Judging by the direction I'd traveled in, I was somewhere along the northwest coasts. I was standing in the shallows along the beach, in the space just before the water gave way to sand, and then forest. Cylindrical mountains of rock stood tall, lining the surrounding area. They were all covered with a plethora of flora, and the buzz of insects and cries of birds indicated that it was well-populated.

Sweet. I was in the Land of Ninjas and Other Cool Things...or so it's unofficial nickname shows.

I was a bit off course, though. If I was to get direct support from the elders of Ionia, I would have to venture further southeast, where I could choose from one of two options: I could either head to the Ionian Capital City, in the southeast regions of the continent, or I could just cut my trip short and go right to the center. This would actually be a smarter move than to go all the way southeast...in theory. The reason for this is because this was where the Placidium stood, and in turn, the School of Transcendentalism, and in turn, Karma, the one and only Duchess of Ionia.

She was probably the best option for a few reasons. Not only did she hold considerable authority over Ionia as a whole, but unlike the elderly old bats who spent all their time practicing wasted traditions (as a sort-of god, I can testify to the fact that some traditions are just plain unnecessary; the Solari elders are an example of people who spent way too much time coming up with rules that weren't of any benefit), Karma isn't afraid to _kick ass._ Meditation and merely hoping for the best? _Boring._ Karma actually goes out there and _gets shit done,_ you know?

I decided after a few minutes of contemplation that I would head to the Placidium first, to see if Karma would be willing to lend a hand, and if she was, I'd take it up with the elder in the Capital. But first...I had something else to tend to. I was in the northwestern region of Ionia, after all.

Which is home to the Kinkou Order.

Well...what's left of it, anyways. You know, the whole thing with Zed and, uh...yeah. But hey, Shen was doing his best to reform the Order when he wasn't out dealing with supernatural spirit stuff, so with luck, I'd get to see some ninjas! Maybe they could even teach me the Rasengan!

*GASP* Or even a _Spirit Bomb!_

But that's probably just wishful thinking. Karma would probably be a better teacher.

Sold.

"Alright, Ionia." I placed my hands on my hips, leaning back to take in the view. "Time to get you on my side."

* * *

"It just wouldn't be the same if there wasn't a spooky forest for ninjas to hide out in, would there?" I muttered, trudging through said forest. The canopy was so thick that it was almost as dark as it was during the night, but if I recalled correctly, it would eventually open up to the Kinkou Monastery. I was curious to see how much progress Shen had made with repairing it. The last time I'd seen it back when I was still the sun, it was still mostly ruin, only a quarter of the monastery completely fixed. He'd never figured out a way to make the forest less intimidating, though. Maybe some motivational posters and some free snacks would do the trick.

It wasn't long before I found my first Ionian champion. But it wasn't who you'd expect.

The first hint came in the form of rustling in the canopy above me. I briefly caught a glimpse of a dark shadow dashing from tree to tree, before disappearing into the shadows.

"Oh...'kay..." I said. "I guess we're starting up a horror movie now. Why not?"

I drew my bow, nocking an arrow and scanning the canopy overhead. When the shadow moved again, I fired, just skimming the edge of its outline.

"I'm in a bit of a hurry, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't waste my time and just got down here already." I said. "Less trouble for the both of us."

Someone poked on my shoulder behind me, and I shot another arrow as soon as I turned. No one was there. Then I looked back at my hands, and my bow was gone. "Oh, gods damn-" I scowled, then my eyes widened and I went rigid as something hit me in the back of the head, making me shudder back and forth like a stiff board.

I examined the round object at my feet, which appeared to be a peach. I picked it up, looking it over. Shrugging, I took a bite. Unlike the last fruit I ate in a place surrounded by trees, it was still fresh, and pretty good too. I briefly froze as I realized who was playing pranks on me, because there was only one guy in the League of Legends that liked to throw fruit at people.

"I'm surprised that you didn't throw a banana, considering." I said in between bites, not even bothering to look back behind me. A groan followed, then the sound of someone cringing (I couldn't actually _hear_ it, but the way he groaned made it pretty clear). The shadow tumbled down from the branch of a tree above, landing flat on his back at my feet.

" _Really,_ Helios?" He moaned, wiping his eyes with one hand. "You know how much I hate monkey jokes."

"Yes, hello to you to, Wukong." I rolled my eyes. "And that's what you get for messing around."

"I thought you liked it when I messed around." Wukong let an eye peek through his fingers.

"Well, normally I am, but I've got a war to deal with, so I'm in a bit of a hurry." I deadpanned, sighed then smiled. "So, what've _you_ been up to lately?"

"Oh, you know." Wukong jumped to his feet, placing his staff on the ground and balancing on top of it with one hand. "Messing around, practicing my Wuju, that sort of thing." He shrugged. "I didn't even know that you were going to be here until I saw you, actually." He looked at me quizzically, dropping back down to the ground. "Why exactly are you here in Kinkou territory, anyways? If you're here in Ionia, then you probably want to see the elders, but they're down southeast. What are you doing up northwest?"

"Because dude." I said. " _Ninjas._ "

"Oh. Makes sense now." Wukong replied. "You have a weird obsession with ninjas, you know that?"

"Who _doesn't?_ " I whirled around, back towards my original destination. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some Kinkou to parley with, and a few hundred thousand Noxian asses to kick!"

"Mind if I tag along?" Wukong asked, jogging up to join me. "There isn't much to do at the moment, and I'm getting bored."

"Eh." I shrugged. "Sure, why not? Means more help for me, at least."

"Oh, and you're gonna need one of these." Wukong cheekily grinned as he pulled out a flashlight from a sack at his waist. "I've been meaning to use one of these on Shen for _ages,_ but I've always been too busy to bother."

"You mean screwing around with people day after day just because you can." I raised an eyebrow, matching his smirk. "You really _are_ a walking stereotype, aren't you?"

"I'm starting to think you're even more obsessed with those than anything else." Wukong retorted, playfully punching me in the shoulder.

"Well, I _did_ create Runeterra, so I can't help it if I can pick out things others can't." I chuckled, nudging Wukong in the ribs. "Come on, let's get going. I have nerdgasms to experience."

"And some new clothes to wear." Wukong pointed at my tunic and loose pants. "It looked like you just got out of bed. You aren't even wearing _shoes._ "

"Huh?" I looked down to see that I was indeed barefoot. "Oh. I _was,_ but I guess I must've lost them somewhere over the Guardian's Sea. No big deal, though. I'll just ask Shen if he has anything to spare."

A chorus of shouts rung out afterward, followed by the shifting of feet across stone. More followed, always exclaiming together. It was coming from the path in front of us, where the forest gave way to light. I squinted as my eyes adjusted, stepping forward with Wukong trailing behind.

I grinned as the source revealed itself. A towering monastery, once coated with dust and falling apart at the seams, infested with insects and spiders. Now, it was brand new, with a fresh coat of paint and new building materials to compensate for ones lost. In front was a large open courtyard, made out of stone and octagonal in shape. In the center was an insignia bearing two curved blades, one a dark orange, the other a bright yellow. The two came together in a Yin-Yang symbol at the center, a representation of balance. Various houses made of wood and brick dotted the outer ring, loosely connected by a web of dirt pathways. Towering wooden walls, fitted with watchtowers and barricades surrounded the whole complex, manned by people and Yordles garbed in dark shades of black, blue and indigo. The courtyard itself was occupied by men women and Yordles in simple gis, moving as one as they trained, overseen by a woman in green bearing twin kamas at her sides.

Her gaze met mine, and she held up a hand. The trainees immediately stopped, standing at attention. They split into two groups, making a line down the middle for us to pass as we entered the gates. We walked past, all eyes on us as we stopped in front of the ninja clad in green.

Wukong bowed respectfully, then nudged me in the ribs when I didn't do the same. "Oh. Right." I hastily bowed. "Forgot."

The Fist of Shadow gave a small inclination of her head. "Helios. Wukong. Welcome." Akali said. "What brings you to the Kinkou Order?"

"I'm just visiting." Wukong jutted a thumb in my direction. "You'll have to talk with _him_ if you want a proper answer."

"In private, preferably." I added. "Urgent business."

Akali nodded. "Of course." She glanced toward her students. "Rest for today. You have all done well. Tonight, we welcome our guests." That was Super-Secret-Ninja-Code for "You're going to accept our hospitality and you'll _like it._ "

Nerdgasm achieved.

* * *

"So, what can we help you with?" Akali unceremoniously tossed her mask into a random corner of the room we entered. It appeared to be a meeting room for Shen, Kennen and Akali. Three floor mats were placed in a ring in the middle, with nothing else in the room otherwise besides the windows. "Nice beard, by the way."

"Ah, going out of 'Serious Mode,' are we?" I asked, leaning against the wall. I also scratched thoughtfully at my beard, because you look really wise and all-knowing when you do that.

"It's difficult to keep up appearances in front of the students." Akali shrugged. "But we've had a lot of time to practice."

"Just one of the many advantages of being a leader, right?" Wukong laughed. "You get to be hypocrites when nobody's looking."

"Pretty much." Akali confirmed. "You should see Shen when he's at the monastery. I have to spend half my day dealing with his antics."

"Where is Shen, anyways?" I asked. "And as an extension, where's Kennen?"

"They're out on business. Their duties keep them busy, but they should both be back soon." She replied.

Right on cue, because ninjas have a knack for that sorta thing, two clouds of smoke exploded on top of the other mats. As they dissolved, the Eye of Twilight and Heart of the Tempest were revealed to be sitting on their knees, both without their masks.

"Helios. Wukong. Welcome." Shen bowed his head. "It's good to see you again. Did we keep you waiting?"

"Not really. I just got to Ionia less than an hour ago." I replied. "Ran at light-speed from the Freljord. Fastest thing in the world, and all that."

"Hmph." Shen grunted. "If light's so fast, how come it's never caught a ninja?"

I felt the primal urge to ruin his ego pump through my veins, sending a surge of energy to my bloodstream. With a sudden whip of my hand, I produced Wukong's flashlight, turning it on to shine it's beam on Shen.

Only he instantly vanished from sight as soon as I turned it on. "What-" I turned it off, and Shen popped back into existence on the mat. "How-" On. He was gone. Off. He was there. On. He vanished. Off. There he was.

On off on off on off on off-

"Damn your ninja techniques." I grumbled, conceding defeat and tossing the flashlight back to Wukong. "I never get to have any fun with you."

"You are not the first to try that trick on me, and you won't be the last." Shen replied.

"You are bold to come to Shimada Castle. The den of your enemies." I said, suddenly adopting a mock Ionian accent.

"Oh no." Kennen facepalmed. "Helios, please, the only thing worse than a nerd is a ninja nerd."

It was too late. We were already into it.

"This was once my home." Shen growled. "Did your masters not tell you who I was?!" He suddenly sent a barrage of shuriken in my direction, which I sidestepped accordingly.

"I know who you are...Hanzo." I replied.

Then, we both decided to skip to the really cool part, and we both leapt at each other with our blades (axe vs saber...thing, I don't know what he calls it) drawn.

" _RYUU GA WAGA TEKI WO KURAU!_ " Shen yelled.

" _RYUUJIN NO KEN WO KURAE!_ " I yelled.

Just before we were about to engage in an epic Ninja Fight, two fists collided with our skulls, and we fell to the floor, our heads steaming over the big red welts that had sprouted.

"Why can't my boyfriend just be normal?" Akali lamented, standing over us. "Helios, you know what happens when you set him off. Why do you even bother?"

"Because... it's fun..." I rasped, picking myself up. "Also, Shen, were we doing the right ultimates? I think I'm supposed to use Dragonstrike."

"A problem for next time, then." Shen replied. "Now, remind me as to why you're here?"

"I'm just stopping by on my way to the Placidium." I explained. "I have to see Karma."

"To ask about the war with Noxus, I assume?" Shen folded his arms. "If you wanted us to help, you could've just asked. We're in."

"Two questions." I said. "One: I'm guessing it's because of your secret ninja skills that you can guess everything I say. Two: ...really? Just like that, you're in?"

"You forget, Helios, that it is the duty of the Kinkou Order to preserve equilibrium and balance in the world." Shen remained stoic, but his eyes, glowing an otherworldly blue, betrayed the anger beneath. "The Noxian invasion threw Ionia into discord. It would be most... _fitting_ that we return the favor and restore balance."

"Then let's get going." I replied. "Wouldn't want to keep Karma waiting, now would we?"

"Not just yet." Akali said. "We have a few things to take care of first." She gestured to my attire. "Your clothes, namely."

I squealed. " _I get to look like a ninja?!_ "

Shen raised an eyebrow with a smirk. "How about a samurai?"

Oh. _Yes._

* * *

"Well?" Akali asked, once I'd finished changing. "How's it fit?"

I stepped out behind the barrier in Shen's bedroom (they're pretty old-fashioned), twisting and stretching as I experimented with my outfit. "It's a little stiff." I admitted. "But I'll get used to it. What exactly are you doing with samurai armor, anyways?"

"Yasuo's old school was experiencing a few problems with malevolent spirits some time ago. They gave us the armor, among other gifts, as a thank-you for getting rid of them." Akali explained.

Technically, there wasn't much in the way of actual _armor,_ but it was a lot more flexible and a whole lot lighter than a typical suit of armor. It kind of looked like my old gi from when I'd first come to Runeterra, except it was stitched differently, so that it covered more of the chest and shoulders. Thick black boots accompanied the fabric, tightly tied to my ankles up to just below the knees, so that they felt like part of my legs. This was to ensure I never tripped or slipped when fighting. I wore a baggy short-sleeved shirt on top of my tunic, with sleeves that had armor plating woven in. The main chest plate mainly protected my stomach, waist and upper body, with holes for the arms and neck. Twin dragons made of gold circled each other on the front. A thick black sleeveless coat was worn over it, with black sode armor pads (rectangular in shape and very thick) protecting my arms and shoulders.

"I look _goooooood_." I said, admiring myself in the mirror. "I mean, _wow,_ I should wear stuff like this more often."

"It's a wonder how Soraka manages to tolerate your ego without her head exploding." Wukong smirked.

"Eh, she just gives me a spanking to quiet me down." I replied. "Why do you ask?" Wukong laughed.

"So, when do I get my nodachi?" I asked. "I would look _sick_ with a nodachi!"

Kennen tilted his head. "You know what a nodachi is?" He asked.

"Basically a katana, but longer and with a handle as long as your forearm?" I replied. "Yeah, I know what it is. I was watching when people first came up with the idea."

"We aren't who you need to ask to acquire a nodachi, Helios." Shen said. "Yasuo's former teachers would be the ones to ask. However, I wouldn't recommend it. A nodachi takes skill. Patience. Time."

"Yeah, so?" I snorted. "I can move at light-speed. Shouldn't take me too long to learn."

"Swinging a sword around doesn't count as training, Helios." Akali deadpanned.

I pouted. "It's not the same if I can't get the whole package." I muttered, then cleared my throat. "So, what was the other thing you mentioned?"

"Dinner, of course." Shen said. "Akali makes excellent sashimi. If you're willing to wait until evening to have a taste, that is."

My stomach growled.

"So speaketh the almighty overlord." I said. "Its will shall be done."

"What?" Wukong said.

"It means bring on the food, Wukong. I'm starving."

* * *

Ionian dinners are boring. Even if they're outdoors in the courtyard of the Kinkou monastery.

I often find tradition to be a pain in the ass. I like to shake things up a little, have some fun. Or at the very least to make the tradition "party hard." Now that the Solari elders are dead, get-togethers and feasts are a blast. Fireworks are mandatory. It's always fun to attend.

But eating in Ionia? Not so much.

Ionians are all about discipline, discipline discipline. Be it in body, mind, spirit or household manners, they strive to be at the very peak of performance. Unfortunately, as a result, dinners are very quiet and reserved. No one's having fun when they eat. They don't even _talk._ It's absurdly depressing.

We, along with the rest of the Kinkou Order, sat on our knees upon floor mats surrounding several low-built tables. One in particular had been reserved for Shen, Akali, Kennen, Wukong and I. Not that it made any difference. We were still way too quiet for my liking.

The sashimi _was_ good, Shen hadn't lied. I was just finishing off my third helping when Wukong pushed forward a small bowl, filled with what looked like green pudding. "Hey, Helios, you've gotta try this." Wukong said.

"Why, what is it?" I sniffed curiously as the substance.

"Guacamole." He fibbed. "I've heard it goes great with sashimi." I knew perfectly well what it was, but I was willing to play along in order to get the best reaction possible.

"Alright, why not, let's give it a go." I shrugged, taking the bowl and dumping its contents on my fourth helping. "Gotta experiment every once in a while, right?" Wukong was desperately trying not to laugh.

"Bottoms up!" I proclaimed, taking a massive bite of my sashimi dipped in "guacamole." Wukong was wheezing, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. Shen, Akali and Kennen all stared, unsure of how to react. The Kinkou students were also curious, all eyes on me even though I was sure it went against proper ninja protocol.

Then, I winced. I began chewing slower, the "realization" hitting me. Wukong burst out laughing, falling over and convulsing on the floor. He was the only one laughing, and hadn't realized that I wasn't demanding a glass of water yet. I resumed chewing, letting the flavor roll around on my tongue.

"Ah...ah-ha...heh...huh?" Wukong picked himself up to see me calmly swallow the bite I took. "But...you should be screaming for water right now."

"Why, because you put wasabi in my food?" I smirked. "Funny thing about me, Wu. I'm immune to heat. Even _synthetic_ heat. Which means WASABI HAS NO EFFECT ON ME, DUMBASS! GYAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

Then, my stomach churned in protest. I doubled over, clutching my abdomen. "I don't feel so good...all of a sudden-"

My stomach then did what all stomachs do when they eat something spicy.

They make you fart.

Only in my case, a jet of flame erupted from my behind, scorching the mat I was kneeling on.

I blinked.

Shen stared.

Akali wrinkled her nose.

"Um..." I sweatdropped. "Whoops?"

Kennen facepalmed.

Wukong, however, found it extremely funny.

"Oh yes, laugh all you want, Wukong." I drily said while observing the monkey wet himself. "Hilarious."

"That was _way_ better than what I'd been hoping for!" Wukong said. "You've even got red smoke coming out of your anus!"

"Red smoke?" I frowned. "I don't use red smoke." Wukong was a notorious prankster, but he usually had a bit of originality behind his little schemes. Red smoke was just plain boring, frankly. I had been expecting more.

"Helios." Akali drew her kamas. "That isn't you."

I looked down to see smoke the color of blood swirling across the floor, coating it in a thick, scarlet fog. It wasn't just the floor, either. Crimson light shone through the windows, coating everything in a shade of red. The sounds of crickets chirping and wildlife activity became silent, leaving the silent whistling of wind.

"...Shen?" I asked. "It isn't _that_ time of year again, is it?"

"You missed the festival." He replied. "But yes, it is the last night of the Blood M-"

"Don't you say it!" I interrupted. "Never say the name of my least favorite holiday in front of me!"

This time of year often had a few bizarre quirks. On the last night of this occasion, evil spirits tended to get riled up and come down in the form of champion look-alikes. They have a very twisted sense of humor. And they're just plain evil, like the "holiday's" namesake. You know who I mean.

"Kinkou, ready yourselves." Shen ordered, drawing his spirit blade. "Your training has prepared you for this. Do what is required of you."

The students and veterans alike all drew weapons with similar properties to Shen's blade, eyeing the entry points in the room warily.

"Oh, joy." I muttered as my fellow champions stood at the ready, drawing my axe. "I wonder what cheap knockoffs we'll get _this_ year?"

A shuriken flew through the glass of a window, nearly taking off my ear. A gunshot rang out, splintering a table as a glowing red bullet ricocheted off Shen's blade, the Eye of Twilight's reflexes serving as a shield. The tip of a curved crimson blade burst from the gates.

A bloodred playing card suddenly struck the ground at my feet, and a cloaked figure clad in an owl mask flashed into existence, glowing violet eyes appearing to bore into my soul. Twisted Fate meets Seven Samurai meets Harrowing? Sure, why not?

"Uh..." I popped a last piece of sashimi into my mouth. "Hi?"

* * *

 _ **That's it for now. Next chapter, Helios is gonna do reference things, and fight off a bunch of Blood Moon demon spirits.**_

 _ **Also, WHO SAW THE GALIO REWORK?! HE'S ACTUALLY COOL THIS TIME! AND YES, I WILL INCLUDE HIM IN THIS FIC!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	29. Attack of the Blood Clones

**_Okay, guys and gals, we're back with a new chapter, and we're getting into the action! Last time, Blood Moon spirits crashed Shen's extremely boring party, which may or may not have been a good thing, depending on who you asked (Helios). After Helios saves the day using references, he's gonna head to the Placidium, where he'll meet up with Karma, Raka (just another average reader, I know you're looking forward to that part especially), and discover the central antagonist of the Ionia arc! Now, without further ado, read on._**

* * *

I awkwardly glanced from side to side, sweat forming on my brow. Blood Fate remained motionless, either enjoying the view or contemplating ways to kill me. Even if it was slightly creepy, I preferred the former. You know you're hot when people of the same gender are gay for you. And hey, I was a star for most of my life, so it shouldn't be too hard. Uh...not that I'd try.

"Are you just going to keep standing there, or..." I trailed off.

Blood Fate tilted his head to one side, almost as if he was curious. Then, he looked back at the other four knock-offs, who weren't exactly my favorite people. Well, except for one.

Blood Jhin was perched on the roof of the Kinkou monastery, his rifle trained on me.

Blood Talon emerged from the shadows near the gate, wrist-blade extended while his one visible eye leerd at me. And I actually liked Talon, too. What a shame.

But when I saw the _third_ Blood Spirit...I felt my blood begin to boil.

Blood Diana climbed over the gates, bearing a crimson Crescent Blade in one hand. She actually looked reasonably human, compared to the other three. The only thing that showed she was a demon spirit was the oni mask that concealed her face. I was _so_ calling dibs.

And then, Blood Fate spoke.

" _Thisss one sssmellsss...different._ " It noted. I had no doubt that it was an _it._ Its voice was a shrill rasp, creating goosebumps up and down my spine in response. Welp, so much for homosexuality. " _Thisss one sssmellsss...deliciousss._ " Okay, was he attracted to me or not? I was very confused. " _Itsss sssoul would be...exquisssite_."

Oh. That explains it.

" _We are forbidden._ " Blood Talon said. " _The missstresss hasss laid claim to it. To defy her isss heresssy._ "

" _The mistress merely instructed us to bring him before her._ " Blood Diana contradicted. Its voice was a little more bearable, but the fact that it looked like Diana made it worse. " _We may play with him if we wish._ "

"I'm standing right here, you know." I said. "I'd rather not be treated like an appetizer, thank you very much."

"You are unwelcome here." Shen stood firm, blade at the ready. "Leave, or face the consequences."

Blood Fate laughed. " _And thisss one hasss a mouth._ " It drifted towards Shen, red smoke trailing in its wake. " _What doesss the missstresss sssay about thisss one?_ "

" _She cares not._ " Blood Diana replied.

" _Then itsss tongue will be a sssufficient trophy._ " It concluded, tracing a claw along the Eye of Twilight's jawline. Shen didn't flinch, locking eyes with the spirit.

"I take that's a _no?_ " Shen asked nonchalantly.

" _Ssso bold._ " Blood Fate remarked, claws beginning to cut through the fabric of Shen's mask. " _Prehapsss I ssshould presssent your head asss a gift to the miss-_ "

Shen's spirit blade made a clean cut across its midsection, resulting in a bloodcurdling shriek. Blood Fate stumbled backwards, black mist hissing as it exited the wound. " _Leave._ " Shen repeated. "I won't ask a second time."

It snarled, bloodred playing cards flickering into existence between its clawed fingers. " _You dare to ssstrike the ssservants of our missstresss?!_ " It said. " _Your life isss forfeit._ "

"Why don't you start counting first?" Shen asked. "Take a look around you. How many of my pupils do you see?" Blood Fate did so, observing the armed Kinkou, enclosing the spirits in a half circle. "Our blades are more than capable of cutting you, and we outnumber you by the dozen. I suggest you take my advice and leave if you wish to survive."

Blood Fate cackled. " _What makesss you believe that we are outnumbered?_ "

Shrill cries and ghastly screams echoed throughout the chill wind, accompanied by pillars of red mist dropping down from the sky. They coalesced into humanoid shapes as they struck the ground, albeit with claws and demon masks. Some carried weapons. Others looked like their bodies _were_ weapons. Whatever their capabilities were, they were most certainly lethal. The most notable difference between the Blood champions and their subordinates was that the lesser spirits appeared to be made out of red mist entirely. Only their masks and weapons were completely solid.

Shen regarded the newcomers silently. "Well. This is hardly fair." Shen said. "You only brought a few dozen."

The Eye of Twilight dashed forward in a haze of shadow. Blood Fate threw a card and flashed to its location as it met the Kinkou ninja. It teleported to its location, clashing weapons. Akali and Kennen urged their students forward, while Wukong and I prepared for a 2v2 with Blood Diana and Talon.

This. Was gonna be. _Epic._

* * *

The problem with fighting Blood Champions is that they're extremely proficient at completely mimicking the abilities of their lookalikes. Blood Talon, for example, was ridiculously hard to hit, while Blood Diana's attacks just plain stung. She hadn't actually hit me yet, but her sword smelled like sulfuric acid, which was a sufficient hint. Stupid moon spirits and their frickin' moon powers...

Shen was going Pro Genji with Blood Fate, the two flickering in and out of existence all around the monastery. It was like watching an underworld light show, whatever that is. Blood Jhin was occupied with Akali and Kennen, keeping the First of Shadow and Heart of the Tempest at range while firing off shots. None of them were hitting, but the two Kinkou weren't able to get within close quarters either. Blood Talon was duking it out with Wukong, but with Wu's Wuju staff and Nimbus Clouds, the spectre was having a bit of trouble fighting Monkey Goku.

Which just left me and Blood Diana, and you'd better believe I was eager for a fight.

"You know, the last time someone that looked like you tried to kill me, it didn't end very well." I informed, putting my axe away to take out my bow.

" _I am aware of this._ " Blood Diana replied. " _But this time will be different._ "

"You wouldn't _believe_ how many times I've heard that before." I informed, firing a single arrow. She effortlessly deflected it with her blade, which I'd been expecting. Had to gauge her strength, or whatever it is manga people do when they fight.

" _True, but I represent the very antithesis to your power._ " She said. " _This time, the will of my mistress shall be done._ "

"Ah, but there's one thing that you're forgetting." I replied, wagging a finger.

" _Really? And what's that?_ " She asked.

"Never challenge me... _when I'm in an environment where I can nerd out!_ " I yelled, suddenly producing a black pellet in my right hand.

"SMOKE BOMB!" I yelled for no reason, tossing the pellet down. It exploded into thick smog, shielding me from view. Blood Diana slashed through it with her blade, but I was already gone.

"Hey!" I waved from the entrance to the monastery. "Come on! We're just getting started!"

I ran through the doors, Blood Diana following close behind, only to find the whole building in total darkness. I had absorbed the flames from the candles, in order to achieve what I was planning.

"You have done well to make it this far." I snapped my fingers, revealing that I had set up the interior to momentarily look like a dojo. I myself was kneeling in the center, on one of two opposite mats. "But now your true test begins." This was so Karate Kid, but I was just going for it.

"Please. Sit." I gestured to the other mat. She hesitated, but then complied, albeit with her blade still drawn, dropping it to lay across her lap.

" _Why do you continue to play games?_ " She asked. " _You will perish, by my hand. Why do you only prolong the inevitable?_ "

I shrugged. "I suppose that I might as well enjoy my last few moments, right?"

"Now. Your ultimate test begins." I slowly reached behind my back, pulling out my secret weapon.

"Are you ready..." I whipped my hand out, Blood Diana raising her blade at my throat in response, but slowly lowered it at she observed the blue cards in my hand.

"To challenge me at Card-Jitsu?"

* * *

A water balloon smacked into Blood Diana's face, causing her to cough and splutter.

" _ENOUGH OF THIS PETTY GAME!_ " She roared, standing up. " _WE BOTH PLAYED WATER ON THAT TURN!_ "

"Yeah, but my power value was higher than yours, so I still won." I sighed, pinching and rubbing at my forehead. Explaining Card-Jitsu to a demon spirit was harder than I thought, but then again, the game had been invented by penguins.

"Okay, okay, just one more round." I said. "Then we can fight for real."

" _NO MORE ROUNDS!_ " Blood Diana sent a bolt of red lunar energy into the ceiling. " _YOU'VE PRATTLED ON LONG ENOUGH!_ "

"Look, I'll even give you a good card." I held one out to her. It was a powerful card with the element of Snow, and it involved bowling someone over with an inner tube. "See? Ten points. Should be easy."

"... _This is the last time._ " Blood Diana took the card, setting it down to put it in play.

What she didn't know was that I'd completely played her. I mean, who accepts a card offered by their opponent.

And with that, I displayed a card with a measly three points, except it was Fire.

" _No._ " I could almost see the spirit's look of horrible realization. " _Not again._ "

"Oh, yes." A bottle of hot sauce popped into existence in front of me. "I hope you like spicy food!"

I sprayed the bottle at her feet, a jet of flame spewing from the nozzle. Blood Diana yelped, jumping up to avoid the blast, at the cost of her tunic, which had burns at the edge.

" _ENOUGH OF THIS!_ " She lunged at me with her blade raised, the metal flashing with crimson light. " _YOU WILL DIE!_ "

I rolled aside, retreating to the other side of the dojo. My axe was near the door, so I probably wouldn't be able to get to it...not that I was planning to, with what I had in mind.

"The real test begins, then!" I affirmed. "But I should warn you..." My eyes gained a sinister edge.

" _I know Kung Fu._ "

I struck a crane pose. " _HYYYAAAAAA!_ " I shouted in falsetto, trying to look like a proper martial arts master. Blood Diana looked downright confused, because she wanted a fight, not a Jackie Chan movie.

"Okay, first super-secret ninja technique!" I announced. I clasped my hands together, with both index, middle fingers and thumbs extended. "Fire Style! Fireball Jutsu!"

I sucked in, then unleashed a wave of flames from my mouth, because not only did it look cool, but as the creator of dragons, I had to do it sometime. The attack was a little slow, however, and Diana was already moving in as I finished, with her extremely creepy demon mask. One has to wonder if it gains any benefits from blood. I mean...maybe vampirism or something? I don't know, just random thoughts.

"Ninja Punch!" I yelled, driving my knuckles into her gut.

"Ninja Kick!" I snapped my foot against the side of her head.

"Ninja Block!" I grabbed her wrist as her sword came down.

"Ninja Toss!" I threw her over the top of my head, the spirit tumbling across the floor.

"Chop suey!" I threw a fireball, Blood Diana clumsily deflecting it with her blade.

"Nagasaki!" I charged one hand up with plasma bolts as she recovered, illuminating the entire room with white.

"Chidori!" I charged, aiming my clawed hand at her chest. It struck her stomach, sending her soaring through the air. She flipped before she hit the ground, landing in a crouch. Her breathing was heavy, numerous burns and bruises dotting her skin.

 **"** _ **FINISH HER!**_ " A deep voice bellowed out of nowhere. This was starting to get a bit out of hand, but what the heck, I was having fun.

"Come get some!" I said, squaring my knees. Blood Diana flashed forward in a blood-infused Lunar Rush, a blur of light and motion. As I entered light-speed, I prepped one fist for the final attack. Just before her blade could impale my heart, I swung upwards, connecting with her jaw in a massive uppercut.

" _SHOOORYUKEEEEN_ _!_ " I yelled. Her mask shattered, bits and pieces crumbling to the floor.

"That's what you get for messing with a nerd!" I said, all too smug. What an amateur. The real Diana had been a complete pushover, and a cheap knockoff thought she'd have better odds? Give me a break. Actually, no, give me an actual challenge. You know what? I was gonna ask Syndra if we could throw down for no reason if I saw her. She's the only one who could give me a run for my money.

(AN: Oh, you'd better believe it'll happen, Helios. Don't worry, guys, there will be a (mostly) serious and dramatic fight that our hero will actually put some effort into, just you wait!)

"Still...at peak performance, as always..." Blood Diana gasped, as she struggled to her feet with her back turned. Her voice wasn't distorted anymore. In fact, she sounded a whole lot like the original. "I suppose I must give you some credit for that."

"But don't get me wrong, Helios." She turned around, with a smirk on her face, and- _oh my gods._

 _It_ was _her._

"We aren't done just yet." Diana finished. My hair combusted, and I lunged forward with murderous intent. She dissolved into red smoke as I made contact, leaving her fading laugh behind.

" _We're only just beginning._ " Her final words were.

I scowled, opening one hand to allow my axe to return. "Should've known she'd want payback." I said to myself. "Time to wrap up this little game."

I fiddled with Ellis's music player at my waist, flipping through the available soundtracks. When I found a song that suited the situation, I kicked the door open, striding out into the battlefield the courtyard had become.

"Hey, ugly!" I shouted at Blood Fate, who was still entangled with Shen. I caught the spectre's attention, as the opening verse of the song began:

 _When there's somethin' strange..._

 _In the neighborhood..._

" _Who you gonna call?_ " I asked.

Blood Fate gasped in horror.

* * *

There is no song in the entirety of existence that ghosts hate more than Ghostbusters. No, seriously. It's like a vocal form of holy water. No one knows _why_ the song works so well; it just does. Not that we're complaining, of course. It's pretty entertaining to utilize.

The Blood spirits scattered as soon as I got into the chorus, making easy prey for Shen and the Kinkou. Shen's spirit blade cut through them like a hot knife through butter, or Camille's insults through someone's self-esteem when she's feeling particularly salty, which is always. She likes extra salt on everything she eats. Even ice cream, which explains a lot. Nothing like salty ice cream to set your foul mood for the rest of the day.

"DYA NAH DYA NAH DYA NAH DYA NAH DAH-DAH DA-DA-DA DYA NAH DYA NAH DYA NAH DYA NAH DAH-DAH DA-DA-DA!" I sang enthusiastically as we drove them off, screaming in terror.

" _MAKE IT SSSTOP! MAKE IT SSSTOP!_ " One cried.

" _THE HORROR! THE HORROR!_ " Another exclaimed. Geez, stop freaking out guys, it's just a song. You're all big boys, I'm sure you can wipe your own bottoms...if you guys even still go number two, that is. Hey, there's something to think about for the day!

"Guys, come on, stay a bit longer!" I complained as they began to disappear into the clouds, toward the moon. Suck-ups. "We didn't even get through the entire chorus yet!"

"I think everyone would appreciate it if you just stopped the song entirely, Helios." Akali deadpanned.

"Hell no! I'm way too into it!" I declined, shamelessly dancing to the beat. "I'll stop when the song is over!"

Akali sighed and waited for me to finish, which were some of the most unbearable moments of her entire life. "If you're _done,_ " She seethed. "can we discuss why Blood spirits decided to openly attack the Kinkou Order?"

"Er...that may or may not be my fault." I replied sheepishly. "The moon hates my guts and all that. I think this is the first time she's actually tried to have me assassinated."

" _AND GUESS WHAT, SELENE?!_ " I screamed up at the moon, which was still painted red. " _I FREAKING SURVIVED! YOUR HITMEN_ SUCK! _DO IT YOURSELF NEXT TIME, YOU LAZY-ASS FREELOADER!_ "

"...You sound like you need to rest." Shen noted.

"I really do." I sighed. "Stress plus dealing with Selene equals _headache._ I don't suppose you have a room available?"

"We do." Shen nodded. "Second floor, fifth room at the back."

"Thanks." I dashed off, taking the stairs two at a time to reach my room. Only upon arrival, I found that it was a simple floor-height mat bed, with just a pillow and a blanket.

"What is it with ninjas and their need to push their bodies to the limit?" I grumbled, stripping down and throwing the blanket over myself. It wasn't that comfortable, but it would do.

The next morning, Shen agreed to take me to the Placidium. My back had miraculously survived the solid floor that served as my bed, and after waiting for Wukong to get ready (it takes a ridiculous amount of time for the furball to get his hair properly groomed), we were off. Shen made it easier on us by allowing us to smoke-bomb there. It looked pretty awesome. Akali and Kennen had to stay behind to look after the students, but theoretically we wouldn't need them for any special reason.

With a hop, skip and a poof, we arrived at the elevated heap of rock that the Placidium was raised on. The area was alive with activity, a marketplace at the base of the entrance, filled with all manner of exotic goods and smells. I could already feel my mouth watering.

And lo and behold, there stood the Placidium, in all of its wonderfully transcendent glory. I was looking forward to checking the place out. Rumor had it that people could learn Spirit Bombs there. I needed to expand my skillset. Well, maybe not, but regardless it'd be cool!

"Fish! Fresh fish!" A vendor shouted from a nearby booth.

"Get your spices here! 2 gold pieces for ten pinches!" Another shouted. It was a labyrinth of stalls and shops, all of them intertwined and tangled like a bizarre web of commerce. Capitalism at its finest.

I looked to the left to see that Shen, in the time I hadn't been paying attention, had swapped out his Kinkou uniform for traditional Ionian garments in various shades of white and red, going without his mask.

"What's with the getup?" I asked, looking him over.

"The Kinkou, myself included, are continuously celebrated for the work we do in keeping balance throughout Ionia." Shen explained. "I would rather not have to deal with an absurd amount of press at the moment."

"Yeah, okay, but what about him?" I jabbed a thumb at Wukong. "He's a sentient monkey, and no one's freaking out about _him._ "

"I don't have an entourage." Wukong deflated, sighing.

Shen allowed himself a rare smirk. "That's because you're more trouble than you're worth."

"I am _not!_ " Wukong protested. "I just...like to ruin everyone's day from time to time."

We both rolled our eyes. "And yet apes are supposed to be intelligent." I muttered. "Well, I don't know about you two, but I'm rather tempted to check the place out."

"Really?" Shen asked. "Aren't you in a hurry?"

"Oh, half an hour of peeking around couldn't hurt, could it?" I asked. "I'm in Ionia, for gods' sake, I think I'm entitled to try out the local delicacies. Tell you what, we'll meet up at the Placidium when we're done, and then from that point on, it'll be all business."

"Sounds like a plan to me." Wukong agreed, resting his staff on both shoulders. "C'mon Shen, let's go get some sake!"

"I will go my own way." He declined. "But another time, perhaps."

"Suit yourself." Wukong shrugged.

"Alright, see you in a few!" I waved as I disappeared into the crowd, nitpicking my way through openings in the mass gathering. "Charms against evil spirits sold here!" An old woman at a nearby shop said, crouched at her tiny stall. For some reason, it caught my eye. I decided to take a look.

"Why hello there, young man!" She beamed. "Have you come to inspect my wares?"

"Possibly." I smiled, looking them over. "What exactly do you offer?"

"Protection against demons, Blood spirits, all manner of malevolent deities, my boy!" She replied. "See anything you like?"

"What's this one?" I asked, pointing to a simple sun-shaped medallion. Yeah, me and my ego, but hey, I was curious.

"I acquired that one from a Solari warrior a few years ago!" She replied. "It's said to ward off servants of the moon, and with the terrors the Blood Moon's end brings every year, I wouldn't mind taking a few chances!"

"Hmm..." I fingered it delicately, tracing the material. With a sudden idea, I traced a small rune across the surface, something Lux had taught me when I asked. It glowed for a second, before fading.

"I can't say that I'll buy, but you might find that its value increased before long." I winked, leaving her at that and walking away.

"Fresh produce! Come and get it!"

"I offer only the finest jewelry! Come see!"

"Is anyone interested in extremely rare poros? (They were supposedly gold, but I could see they'd been thoroughly dyed)"

The market here was _nuts._ And I, for some reason, was loving it. I'd never seen such a colorful collection of oddities before in my travels, and it was nice to indulge in the local culture a little. But what I was looking forward to most of all? _Food._

I spotted a small restaurant off to the side, and the smell of freshly cooked seafood and ramen lured me over. I briefly paused, though, when I noticed the small commotion occurring in some of the occupied seats

"I told you, I'm not interested." A cloaked woman said with her back turned to me, seated in front of the chef. The rejection was directed at a mook to her right, who was clearly trying to hit on her. He was pretty good-looking, fairly muscular, but it was offset by the fact that he looked like a jerk.

"Come on, entertain me a little?" He asked, inching a hand closer to her arm along the table. "You look like you're pretty good with your hands." Ugh. _Disgusting._ He flexed his biceps to show off with a smug grin. "I think you'll like what you find."

"For the last time, _no._ " She growled. "Go bother someone else."

"I think you should at least give it a try, and maybe _then_ you'll start to enjoy yourself." He grabbed her arm, attempting to pull her out of her chair. He was slapped in the face as a reply, but judging by the exclamation of pain and the three scarlet streaks dripping blood down his cheek, she'd used her claws. Some people say she needs to trim her nails, but that's just because they got punished for putting their hands where they shouldn't.

The man felt a hand to his cheek, scowling at her when he looked at the blood. "I was trying to be _nice._ " He said.

"Lay off my customers." The chef snapped. "If you aren't going to order anything, then leave."

"Can it." The other guy sneered. "C'mon, beautiful, let's go take this somewhere else."

He was about to grab her again when I tapped his shoulder. _"What?"_ He turned around with a scowl. "If you wouldn't mind, me and the lady are having a m-"

In all of two seconds, his crotch, nose, collarbone, stomach and forehead were struck consecutively. Nidalee had some pretty effective moves, and it helped that some of them were meant to ward off dirtbags. He trembled, then fell on his face, unconscious. I wiped my hands on my tunic, revolted. I then grabbed him by the hem of his shirt and tossed him outside. I sat down at the seat he'd previously occupied, crossing my arms on the table.

"A sake for me, if you please." I said, and the chef moved to pour me a cup after shaking off his stupor. I turned my head to the lady with a lazy grin. "Now, what's a pretty girl like you doing in a dump like this?"

"You're such a tease." Ahri rolled her eyes with a smile. "And I could've handled him myself."

"I'm kinda surprised that you turned him down." I smirked. "Since when do _you_ reject an open invitation?"

"Since I stopped stealing essence from people." Ahri replied bluntly.

Oh, and if you were wondering, all those rumors about Ahri's one-night stands?Completely false. Ahri's never even let a guy into her pants. She only waited for men to last their guard, then drained them of essence. She didn't really have to go any farther than that.

I can already see you perverts salivating. Good luck seducing her, you sick freaks. She'll claw out your eyes if you try to sneak a hand up her waist. And that's actually happened, I'm not even kidding.

"You still didn't answer my question." I said. "It's odd to find you here, of all places."

"Do you know how hard it is to find a place that doesn't recognize me?" She asked. "Sometimes a girl just wants some time to herself, especially if she doesn't have to deal with people who are either after her head or her skirt."

"Point taken." I replied, taking a sip of my drink as it arrived. It was an interesting taste, but it was alright.

"If you're here about Noxus, then you're in luck." Ahri said. "Karma's already trying to get the elders to agree to go to war."

"Seriously?" I wiped my mouth after taking another swig, regarding the fox with curiosity. "How come?"

"Karma thinks we should be helping Demacia to win, not only as payback, but because we need to provide assistance to potential allies and friends." Ahri replied, then ordered food for herself. "Something about 'refusing to allow the victory of injustice,' when we could prevent it. She even asked the other champions to travel to the Placidium to show their support." She paused. "Which is another reason for why I'm here."

"What's the holdup?" I asked.

"The elders are being a bit stubborn." Ahri said with a faint scowl, indicating that _stubborn_ was a bit of an understatement. "Too wrapped up in tradition and security to grow a pair and get something done. They'd rather play it safe, hope that we won't be slaughtered and executed like last time."

"And Karma disagrees." I concluded. "But why doesn't she just take her available warriors and head off? She technically doesn't need their compliance."

"Because they're threatening to take drastic measures if she makes a decision that could be potentially dangerous for Ionia." Ahri replied. "Karma's too afraid to invoke his 'performances' to go without their agreement."

"Drastic meas-" My eyes widened considerably. "You can't be serious. _Him?_ They're willing to do _that?!_ "

"It looks that way." Ahri poked at her food with her chopsticks glumly. "They're all corrupt, even if they won't admit it."

"Damn." I furrowed my brow, silent. "Well, I don't know about you, but I think I'd like to head over now and show my support. Shall we?"

"After we finish eating." Ahri said, gesturing to a second plate she'd ordered for me. We paid (well, Ahri did) after cleaning off our chicken and rice, thanked the chef for the food and offered a tip for knocking a guy senseless.

"Shen and Wukong are also here." I informed. "They should be done by now. We'll all head up to the Placidium together."

"...Oh." Ahri winced, looking away as we walked. "That's...nice."

"Ah, I'd forgotten that things are still awkward between you two." I grimaced. "He's still trying to get over you, isn't he?"

Wukong had had a crush on Ahri for a while, but while they were pretty good friends, Ahri had friendzoned him when he asked her out. Wukong apparently was still getting over it, although he'd looked fine for the time I'd recently spent with him. But it hadn't been Wu's fault. Ahri just wants a guy who can actually resist her charms. Wukong has about as much of a resistance to them as a moth does to a flame. It ain't healthy.

(AN: I know exactly who I want to pair Ahri with, and you would never guess. Wrong universe, to give a hint.)

"Well, if it helps, I can try to change the subject, keep you two occupied." I offered.

"That would be appreciated." Ahri replied both gratefully and nervously. I could see her tails shifting underneath the hooded cloak that hung over her eyes. "I've already had enough stress for one day."

"Well, get ready to enter the thunderdome," I said. "because I can see the two of them up ahead." They were waiting patiently by a noodle shop, appearing to have run into each other on the way, and sat down for a bit of ramen. I'd never heard of a place called Ichiraku's (wink-wink), but it looked worth a try after talking to Karma. Might be an ideal place for a date with Raka, actually.

Oh snap, _Raka._ She was here! Score! I was _so_ gonna surprise her, and be all suave and cool about it too! I'd be all like "Miss me, Raka?" and she'd be all like "SEEEEEENNNNNNNPAAAAAAAIIIIIIII!" on me, and I'd just let her show puppy-love while looking like a total hottie.

...Okay, maybe that was unlikely. In fact, I was probably gonna be the one screaming _senpai_ at her. And call her kawaii, too. Maybe call her my waifu. At the very least I knew what it meant, unlike Mordekaiser, who thinks that's what you call your friends. You should've seen what happened when he called Sona that back at the Institute. Ellis was there too, and it got ugly _real_ fast. He stuck Morde to the ceiling with a giant magnet, and even when Sona got him to stop, he couldn't pry Lord Emo-Face off. Plenty of time for me to grab popcorn.

It turned out that Shen and Wukong weren't the only champions there. "Lee." I greeted, giving a short bow according to traditional Ionian standards. "Nice to see you again."

"Helios. Ahri." The Blind Monk replied, bowing in turn. "You look well." He chuckled. "Well, perhaps not _look,_ but you certainly smell jubilant." Never mind how he smells moods. He smells a lot of things that seem impossible. He can even smell if someone's lying. Again, never mind how.

"Uh...hi, Wu." Ahri rubbed her arm bashfully.

"Hey." He looked away, frowning. "You look nice."

"Thanks." She replied, and they stopped talking after that.

"So, I trust that you are here to speak with Lady Karma?" Lee Sin asked. "She's been expecting you for some time. I was sent here to retrieve you, actually."

"Because she has _zen powers,_ right?" I asked, smirking.

"I do not believe that is the _proper_ term for it, but in a sense, yes." He replied. "Although I must confess, I was slightly disappointed that the Bestial Huntress did not accompany you. I would have thought that she would wish to be certain of your safety, given how she cares for you."

"Well, the Mama Cat does her own thing most of the time." I shrugged, but blinked after thinking over Lee's sentence. "Wait. Why do you care about whether Nidalee accompanies me on road trips or not?"

"A trivial matter, for now." Lee answered. "For now, we must focus. Shall we refrain from keeping Lady Karma from waiting any longer?"

"Of course." Shen replied. "I've heard much about the School of Transcendentalism, and I've been meaning to see if my students could gain any benefits from her teach-"

A gunshot sounded, and a shockwave was accompanied by a wave of heat as the Placidium erupted into flames.

* * *

 _ **Well, that's not good. Next chapter: X-Men: Apocalypse references! I bet you know which one I mean. Because that's totally something Helios would do. So, I can promise that next time, the real action starts, and depending on where I go with the story, the preface to the Syndra fight will either be next chapter or the one after that. Stay tuned, because I'm rolling up my sleeves! Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	30. Sweet Dreams Are Made of Meme

**_Wassup, guys and gals? Y'all ready for a new chapter? I know I am! I've been eagerly awaiting the chance to crank this chapter out for a while, and not just because it's what I do with all my chapters! Helios hasn't really gotten the opportunity to show the full capabilities of his light-speed ability, and now all of you get to find out! Granted, the whole thing is just gonna be one big reference, but it's totally something that Helios would do. Also, I'm gonna cut back on the Overwatch references a bit, because there be other references to make, and I only have so many chapters for the Ionia arc. NOW LET'S GET IT ON!_**

* * *

It started from somewhere near the back of the building, from what I could see at a distance of a few hundred meters. The whole structure sat on one giant nexus, as the School of Transcendentalism liked to host mock League matches to further the skills of those who studied there. The school had two main areas to it. There were the gardens at the base of the cliff the Placidium was placed on top of, and the school itself, which had been carved into the rock itself. The only way to enter was by the long winding pathway that took you up the mountain, which was infamous for being considered unnecessary.

The school had exploded from the inside, and the only reason I could actually tell was because the two-pronged structure as the top had gone up in flames first. As quickly as the explosion, uh...exploded into existence, the eruption of heat slowed down with time as I began to move at light-speed as an instant reaction. My breathing hitched and sweat formed as I remembered that Raka was a member of the school's board of regents, which meant that _she was in there._

I made a move to run as fast as I possibly could, but faltered when an odd thought came to mind.

 _No._ My conscious said. _It's stupid, and you can't afford to waste time._

 ** _But it'll look so COOL!_** My fun-loving side countered. _**And we have all the time in the world! The explosion's practically frozen!**_

 _But a single second in our point of view could be costly._ My conscious argued. _And even if we have enough time, it's still wiser to just- ...You know what, screw it. Might as well._

With my mind made up, I plucked Ellis's music player off of my waist. I fumbled through his choices of music, until one track in particular caught my eye, along with its label:

 _Thought you might need this, just in case you ever decide to jam when running. You know what I mean. Thank me later._

 _-E_

I grinned. The smart-ass really _did_ prepare for everything. I hit the "play" button, and the first few synthesized notes of the song I'd chosen began to play at light-speed. I sprinted off, zipping through various hallways as the lyrics followed shortly after:

(AN: Okay, just to forewarn you, the song lyrics are coming in between narration scenes, so it might look a little awkward. Just try to imagine what it would look like after you've finished reading. The lyrics will also be altered slightly to fit the game universe. Enjoy!)

 _Sweet dreams are made of this_

 _Who am I to disagree?_

 _I travel the world and the Guardian's Sea_

 _Everybody's looking for something_

I ran up and down the corridors, looking for the room to the nexus. Stupid Ionians and their overly complicated-yet-simplistic architecture (confusing, I know). Why couldn't they at least put up signs that showed where to go? I would think that it would be the most logical and helpful thing to do. The explosion had most likely resulted from some idiot taking a potshot at the nexus, which was never a smart thing to do.

I found the room I was looking for in the very center of the school, in a room that appeared to connect to a smaller Rift via portal. A giant green crystal (nexus, obviously) sat in the middle, about as big as Malphite's leg when he wasn't on the Rift. In other words, _huge._ But just as I'd suspected, a bullet had impacted the material from a window that led to outside, resulting in the explosion. Huddled around it were Karma, Irelia (ugh, she was probably my least favorite Ionian) and Raka. I would've kissed her, because _damn,_ she looked even better than when I saw her last time, but I elected to do that later. I quietly observed the explosion for a few seconds (from my perspective), moving a few bits of crystal debris away with my fingers, then cracked my fingers and got to work.

 _Some of them want to use you_

 _Some of them want to get used by you_

 _Some of them want to abuse you_

 _Some of them want to be abused_

I started with Karma first, as she was the closest, grabbing her neck so that she wouldn't experience whiplash. I ran her to the gardens outside, taking humor in how the skin on her face flapped and wobbled due to our speed. I sped back to fetch Irelia (ugh, she is honestly my _least_ favorite Ionian, even though there are other candidates), then returned for Raka. I posed with her for a quick selfie on my phone (I can increase the speed of lifeless, inanimate objects to match my own), then gave her a full peck on the lips, before grabbing her to place her with the others.

I ran to an atrium above the nexus, fetching various students (wearing Ionian school clothes, which look like a mix of summoners' robes and kimonos) and escorting them through the windows to place them in the gardens as the floor burst into flames from beneath them. I spotted the last one on a balcony overhead as I returned, briefly allowing my speed to decrease, creating a makeshift stairway out of floorboards and tile. I ran up to the girl in question, grabbing her before running along the wall to make my exit as the room was enveloped in fire.

 _Sweet dreams are made of this_

 _Who am I to disagree?_

 _I travel the world and the Guardian's Sea_

 _Everybody's looking for something_

As the room next to the atrium crumbled, I continued pulling people out of the way, grabbing one student from the balcony as a bookshelf splintered in his face, then escorted others out of the way of a fish tank that was filled with koi (don't they belong in ponds?), which would've hurt a lot if they had been struck by the shattered glass. I took a nearby -overly extravagant and large dining glass, I guess?- and scooped up the koi, handing it to the last person before running away with her, the fish in tow.

I made "slow" progress to the bathrooms next, checking under the stalls for anyone doing their business. Luckily for me, there weren't any at the moment, although there was one teacher who was dealing with a bad hair day. I plucked the comb from his hands, then licked both of mine and ran them through his hair, yanking him away as the explosion reached the mirrors.

 _Hold your head up_

 _Keep your head up (movin' on)_

 _Hold your head up (movin' on)_

 _Keep your head up (movin' on)_

I shuffled through the various classrooms next, emptying them of occupants as their classroom learny student props crumbled and burst around them (suckers, I never had to go to school!). Chairs splintered, tables split, and windows shattered as the wall of fire consumed them, but never managed to get a taste of human flesh, because I was in the _zone._

 _Hold your head up (movin' on)_

 _Keep your head up (movin' on)_

I spotted a young couple up on the top floor afterward, appearing to start engaging in an intense smooching session on a balcony overlooking the gardens (with that fabulous Great Tree of theirs too). But when I walked up to them, I found that the guy in the relationship was actually about to smother the lady with his tongue rather than kiss her, and the lady did _not_ look pleased with that idea.

 _Hold your head up (movin' on)_

 _Keep your head up_

I grimaced.

Then I grabbed the two of them and tossed them skyward, aiming for the river ringing around the Great Tree in the gardens.

I ran down the side of the building and back into the corridors, entering what appeared to be a training dojo (monks like Lee Sin occasionally liked to come here to hone their skills). I couldn't resist, grabbing a shuriken (it would appear that ninjas frequented the school too) and tossing it at a target on the wall as the explosion reached the opposite end of the room, before pulling the student throwing shuriken away from the area. I then returned for the other one, wrapping him up in training mats and throwing him out the window.

And, despite my absolute _loathing_ of the dance, I moonwalked into a classroom a few doors down (it admittedly looked cool), taking in the smell of smoldering education and burnt scrolls, then tore a few tapestries from the walls and shattered the windows, running outside to tie them to a few trees.

 _Some of them want to use you_

 _Some of them want to get used by you_

 _Some of them want to abuse you_

 _Some of them want to be abused_

I pushed the students and teacher out of the room, aiming for the tapestries strung across the trees to act as a barrier. I ran to the dormitories next, finding a girl sneaking tea into her room. I pulled her out bridal-style, then came back for the tea, downing it in one giant gulp. After the other dorms were cleared, I found a single poro remaining, about to chow down on some ramen. I swiped the bowl (which was still clean, lucky me), devouring its contents (priorities, and all that; gotta save the food first, you know?) and fetching the poro after, depositing him (or her, didn't check under the hood) outside.

I kicked down a door into another section of the school, striking a standard martial arts pose. I then ran a loop around the wall, grabbing the last two students and kicking up a table out the window, jumping aboard as the last of the School of Transcendentalism was consumed by the explosion. I decided that riding it as a surfboard while grinning like a cocksure idiot was a suitable exit.

 _Sweet dreams are made of this_

 _Who am I to disagree?_

 _I travel the world and the Guardian's Sea_

 _Everybody's looking for something_

I backflipped off the table, running along a railing that was part of the entrance to the Serene Garden (the official name), still having the time of my life. As I reached the others, I allowed my speed to decrease back to normal, which proved to be a mistake on my part, as the sound waves generated from the explosion severely hurt my godly eardrums, which threw a godly tantrum.

The students were oblivious at first to what had just happened, observing the wreckage in front of them while in a stupor. Then, the horror of the reality set in, and they began making exclamations of panic, a disconnected jumble of voices and frantic questions, all directed at Karma. That didn't really do anything, as the Duchess Ionia was trying to figure out what had happened herself. Her face was basically a calm, serene version of "Wait. I was over there, but now I'm here...what the hell?"

"...How did-" Karma looked around in confusion, searching for an answer to her unsaid inquiry.

"A malfunction of the nexus before it exploded, perhaps?" Irelia suggested. "It's possible that we were teleported to the gardens as a result."

"Wait." Raka interrupted, looking over the gathered students. "Are we all here? Is everyone safe? One, two, three four five..." She began counting, appearing satisfied after she'd finished. "It looks like we're all accounted for."

"That can't be a simple coincidence." Karma frowned. "If the nexus had really malfunctioned, then it most likely would have only managed to teleport a few of us, and we would have ended up in different locations."

"Then someone must have saved us." Irelia concluded. "But who would be in the right place at exactly the right time to intervene, and no less move at such a speed that we would all come out of this unharmed?" Well, gee, if that wasn't the most predictable and stereotypical question to ask after a mysterious savior saves the day (that is what saviors do, of course), then I don't know what is. And, of course, it was my duty to go "SURPRISE!" and reveal myself.

" _Wow._ " I whistled, hands on my hips as I observed the school, now burned to a shriveled and dry husk. "That was a _hell_ of a blast. Someone must've been a real badass to pull everyone out that fast." I sarcastically gasped as everyone became aware of my presence, swiveling to face me. "Oh, _wait! Could I be referring to myself?_ "

And not only that, but I'd managed to refrain from setting my clothes on fire. The friction involved should've burned my swanky samurai armor to cinders, and yet they were completely unharmed. Why was this the case? I don't know. It just works.

"...Helios?" Karma asked. "How did you-"

"Get here so fast?" I grinned. "Well, a little fox told me that you were already planning to help Demacia in the war, so I just _had_ to stop by and see for myself." I gave a flourish and a bow. "At your _service,_ m'lady!"

I then gave a small wave to Irelia. "Oh hey Irelia! Still paranoid?" She huffed, folding her arms while her blades hovered at her side. Like that was gonna intimidate me. "That's nice, that's nice. Kind of a shame, though. I'd think you were actually a decent person if you were a bit more open-minded."

"Helios, now is not the time." Karma sighed. "In case you weren't aware, my school and students were just attacked, and nearly _killed._ " I shot her an apologetic smile, sheepish.

"Sooooooo...what now?" I asked, gesturing to the remains of the Placidium. "Are we going to try and repair everything, or is there another place we can-"

I was then tackled by a purple blur, hoofed legs locking themselves around my hips while a pair of arms wrapped around my neck. I spun Raka around as we kissed, keeping my arms at the base of her spine.

Well. This was a pretty good place to start. Screw the audience, it'd been a while since I had bananas.

* * *

The Placidium wasn't going to be occupied anytime soon, but luckily for us, the villagers in Navori (the town where the Placidium was located) were willing to loan us a restaurant in the markets to serve as a meeting room. However, Raka and I had far more...urgent business to attend to.

"I can't believe that you grew a _beard!_ " Raka said in front of the bathroom mirror ('twas a very decorated bathroom at that; lots of traditional Ionian tapestries and cosmetics), scraping at sections of my facial hair with a razor, until only stubble remained.

"Why? What's wrong with it?" I asked, angling up my chin to allow further access to my jaw. "Tryndamere thought it looked downright manly when I was in the Freljord!"

"Yes, well, you aren't in the Freljord anymore, and we have different standards here in Ionia." She replied, moving to the edges of my jawline. "You could have tidied it up a little, at the very least."

"Didn't exactly have time." I drawled, fixing her with an unamused stare. "I was a little too busy fighting for my life."

"More like goofing off, knowing you." Raka said, unconvinced.

"I was _not!_ " I protested. "I'll have you know that I took my battles in the Freljord _very_ seriously!"

She regarded me with a skeptical smirk.

"...Maybe I had just a little bit of fun." I admitted. "But regardless, I did just fine. Did what needed to be done."

"Hmph." Raka switched to the other side of my face. "I'm surprised that you didn't get yourself killed, without me there to look after you."

"Are you implying that I'm _incapable of looking after myself?_ " I asked, indignant.

"Helios, there was one time back at the Institute where I left you alone in Morgana's bakery just to order a pie, for _five minutes,_ and when I turned around you'd managed to stuff your face full of pastries." She replied.

"That was _one time!_ " I huffed. "And I don't see how that relates to fighting!"

"You and Morgana then proceeded to wreck the bakery just because of how mad she was." Raka reminded me.

"I seem to recall winning that fight." I replied with a wistful grin. Ah, memories!

"Still, you just can't help yourself from starting a fight, can you?" Raka replied, as she finished off my facial hair. "There." She placed the razor near the sink, cupping my cheeks with both hands and stroking my jaw with one finger. "Now I can see more of your face."

"You can always see my face, Raka." I chuckled. "The only difference this time around was that it was covered with hair."

"True, but it's very handsome when it isn't." She said with a soft smile. "It'd be a shame if it spent every day hiding."

She leaned up to kiss me again, and no matter how many times she did it, I could never get enough. Again, bananas are my favorite fruit. Especially when the taste is coming from Raka. "We can continue this later." She said as she pulled away, to my slight disappointment. "We probably shouldn't make them wait for too long."

"Damn catastrophes." I grinned. "Keeping us from making out. How rude."

She giggled. "Oh, I wouldn't worry too much. I think I have something in mind for when our problems are over."

"Oh yeah?" I liked where this was going. "And what's that?"

"You'll find out later." Raka looped her arm through mine. "Come on, let's get going. Knowing Ahri, she's probably been keeping an ear to the door this whole time."

A sudden bang against the door confirmed her suspicions, meaning that Ahri had most likely smacked her head. I opened the door to find Ahri standing there, pouting while massaging her forehead. "Well, hello there." I greeted. "Was there something you needed?"

"You couldn't have let it go on for a bit longer?" Ahri asked, irritated. "It was just getting to the good part."

"Get a guy of your own first." I replied. " _Then_ you can start invading everyone's romantic lives." Ahri continued to pout, adding a bit of grumbling protests to the mix.

"If you three are finished, then we can begin." Karma said from a nearby table, Irelia, Wukong, Lee and Shen seated with her. "Of course." I replied, the three of us taking chairs.

"Now, there is the matter of the attack on the Placidium, first and foremost." Karma said. "Although I don't believe there is any dispute as to the identity of our would-be assassin." Definitely not. There was only one guy in the entirety of Ionia who had guns powerful enough to destroy a nexus, as well as possess the balls to even attempt such a thing.

" _Khada. Jhin._ " I let the name roll off my tongue with a sour taste, scowling. "The Golden Demon himself."

I'm sure some of you know exactly what he's capable of. You might have even summoned him, or glimpsed his work up close. For those of you who _haven't_ , congratulations. You're the lucky ones. Jhin, who refers to himself as a "virtuoso," is a prime example of a psychopath. Even more so than Jinx. A psychopath is someone incapable of remorse or pity, and believe me, Jhin fits the bill. The things he can do to people...even the hardest hearts can't help but shudder at the sight. What's even worse is that he's turned killing into an _art._ To him, a potential victim is a blank canvas. A potential slaughter is a looming performance. It's genuinely terrifying. He treats death like a theater performance, and he aims to be the best actor around.

The worst thing about him is his face. The mask, in that permanent smirk of marble, is the absolute worst thing to look at just before you die. It isn't even good for anything either. During one of my anime bingewatch nights, I got into this one show that had masks that could turn people into vampires. It involved spikes, blood and a whole lotta pain, but hey, they did something.

(AN: Happy now, Ciri?)

And then there's the eyes. They aren't cold, unfeeling, like I've seen for so many maniacs in the past. That would've been better than the reality. When you look into Jhin's eyes, you see... _passion._ The kind a singer would get from their songs, the kind a painter would get from their art. And _that_ is the scariest thing about Jhin. He follows his lethal talents with as much passion and determination as a real performer. A man like that isn't someone you'd _ever_ want to meet.

"It would seem so." Karma agreed. "And yet, I haven't given an official statement on my decision to aid Demacia." She mused. "Which means..."

Her fingers clenched on the table, a small scowl appearing on her face with a hard glint in her eyes. "The elders were willing to let him loose even though they didn't have confirmation." I finished. My hair slowly lit itself up, my fingers smoking. " _Bastards._ "

"Helios." Raka cautioned, setting a hand on my shoulder. "Not here. You'll burn the building down."

"Right, right." I deflated, smothering my inner fire. "Sorry."

"Our next course of action should be discussed." Shen said with folded arms, hanging out near the corner, because that's what ninjas do. "An open attack on the Placidium, and your school, shouldn't be taken lightly."

"Isn't it obvious?" I snorted. "We go to the capital and get some answers! I don't mind throwing a few senile old drips out of their chairs."

"That wouldn't be wise." Lee Sin replied. "We are already planning to go to war with Noxus. A civil war in Ionia is the last thing we need if we are to succeed in this endeavor." Stupid monks. Why do they always have to be right?

"We're right because often someone needs to be." Lee said.

"Stop smelling my facial expressions and thoughts as an extension." I grumbled. "It's invading my privacy."

"I suppose diplomacy is the only way to handle this matter, then." The Duchess of Ionia sighed. "An open accusation would most likely lead to conflict."

I faked vomiting. "Seriously? They have bullshit bureaucracy in places other than Demacia?" I said. "I bet if we just march in there and demand answers, preferably while looking intimidating, they'll start singing."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but for once I agree with Helios." Irelia said. My heart almost stopped. "We need to be open about this. An attack on the Placidium is unforgivable, by anyone's standards."

I grunted, amused. "Well, whaddya know?" I grinned. "You might have a chance at being reasonable after all."

"You're still naïve for trusting Syndra." Irelia replied irritably. "And a fool in general."

"And just like that, you're a snobby bitch again." I smiled blankly. "I think I'd like to shove your face through the floorboards."

"Enough!" Karma snapped. The two of us fell silent, still glaring daggers at each other. "We have more important matters to handle than pointless bickering."

"I would hardly call the security of Ionia pointless..." Irelia mumbled, but Karma shot her a glare.

"Regardless, you two may have a point." She conceded. "It would be in our best interests to at least make a statement, and we no doubt deserve an explanation for this. I can't say for certain that I can condone the amount of force you two have in mind, but nevertheless, the elders will face justice."

"I suppose I can work with that." I said, leaning back in my chair. "Just keep _her_ out of my way." I jabbed a thumb at Irelia. "I don't need her breathing down my neck."

"Irelia?" Karma glanced toward the Will of the Blades. "Are you capable of refraining from antagonizing him?"

"You're taking _his_ side?" She asked in disbelief.

"Helios is a welcome asset to our cause, and often has a tendency to accomplish what is needed." Karma replied. "I'd welcome it if he wasn't hindered. Besides, I trust his judgement." She softly grinned at me. "Even if it _is_ buried beneath thick layers of dry wit and sarcasm."

"He openly fraternizes with the _Dark Sovereign._ " Irelia seethed. "How can you be convinced that he possesses _good judgement?_ "

"I'm right here, you know." I said drily. "You could at _least_ insult me to my face."

"They say a man can be judged by the company he keeps." Irelia continued. "If he considers Syndra an ally, what does that say about _him?_ "

"That isn't fair, Irelia." Raka protested. "I've known Helios a lot longer than you have, and I can say for certain that he's good at reading most people he meets. So if he's willing to accept Syndra as a friend, then that's enough for me. The realquestion is what that says about _your_ judgement. Perhaps you need to learn to be more open-minded, and not be so quick to judge someone else based on appearances or reputation."

 _Oooooooooooooooooo!_ Snap, the tables just got turned! Irelia looked like a tomato in a microwave: red, puffy, and about ready to explode. My girlfriend's awesome like that.

"Irelia, enough." Karma said. "I may not be completely comfortable around Syndra either, but it would do us more harm than good to actually seek her out instead of dealing with the Golden Demon." Karma was actually convinced that Syndra was redeemable, as I was. She wasn't afraid to fight if need be, but she preferred a reasonable solution instead of going in guns blazing.

"Rest for today." She said. "We will make our way to the capital tomorrow. I must set up a temporary replacement for the Placidium so that my students can continue their studies. After that, we will get our answers."

"Sounds perfectly fine to me." I nodded in agreement. "Shen, Raka, everyone?"

"That sounds acceptable." Shen agreed.

"Of course." Raka said.

The others voiced their compliance, and that was that. "Then it's decided." Karma said officiously. "Now, let's see if we can't acquire a temporary residence, shall we?"

* * *

Dreamless nights are, in my opinion, the best kind of sleep you can hope for. Dreams are often just plain weird, and the worst kind of B-movie you'll ever watch. So I prefer to just not have to deal with them.

Especially when I get to wake up next to my girlfriend.

It was pretty early in the morning, judging by how a thin layer of mist still covered the ground outside of our room. A local innkeeper had been kind enough to lend us the place until our business had been concluded, and with no questions asked.

I wrapped my arms tighter around Raka's waist from under the covers, content to just snuggle for a while. However, a knock on the door prevented me from doing so, and Raka began to wake up. "Five more minutes..." She mumbled in protest, pushing further against me. She likes to think of me as her own personal furnace. Apparently I'm always warm, even when the temperature's frigid.

"Wait here for a second." I kissed the back of her neck, then carefully left the bed without denying Raka the blankets. "I'll get it."

I opened the door to find Lee Sin standing there, already fully dressed. "What?" I asked, somewhat irritably.

"I was wondering if you would be willing to join me for a bit of training this morning?" He replied. "I believe that you would be able to assist me with my improvement."

I sighed. "Alright, sure." I fetched my clothes, but left my Ionian armor near the door. "Raka, are you okay with me going out for a bit?" I asked her. She let out a dull grunt in response. "I'll take that as a yes." I said to myself.

"So, what've you got in mind?" I asked as we stepped outside. Lee directed us to a small clearing near the woods, with a lake on the other side. "Weights? Sparring?"

"Actually, the matter of advice." Lee replied. "You see, I have had difficulty with one of Nidalee's techniques for some time, and I was wondering if you could demonstrate how to counter it."

"Oh, jeez, really?" I said, wincing as I scratched the back of my head in thought. "Which one?"

"Specifically, the one where she turns into a cougar and attempts to rip your head from your shoulders." He replied.

I let out an overly sarcastic and exaggerated laugh. "Mate." I switched to a deadpan. "There isn't a defense on the _planet_ that could help you with that. You're just gonna have to do what I do."

"And that is?"

"Frickin' _run._ " I replied.

"Ah." He said. The two of us passed into an awkward silence soon afterward. "So..." I trailed off. "How are things?"

"Very well, at the moment." Lee replied.

"Okay." I said. Awkward silence continued. "Hey, uh...you never answered my earlier question."

"Hm?"

"You're more interested in Nidalee than any other guy I've talked to. What's up with that?" I asked.

"I believe that it's a fairly simple thing to figure out, Helios." Lee said. "Why _would_ I take such an interest in her?"

"Worthy opponent?" I tried.

"Yes, but that is not the full answer." Lee replied.

"Uh..." I shrugged. "I don't know, I give up." I was still waking up, so I couldn't think as clearly.

Lee regarded me with what blind men considered a deadpan. "Helios, what reason would I, as a man, have for taking interest in a woman"

I stared blankly for a few seconds. The mental gears in my brain were a little rusty.

Then, my conscious poured some grease in, however reluctantly. My gears started turning, and my mind started working. The gears churned, allowing me to process the monk's question.

And then it hit me. Like a _freight train._

" _You and HER?!_ " I shrieked in disbelief, wide-eyed with a finger pointed at his chest. " _YOU AND **HER?!**_ "

"Yes, that is correct." He nodded. "Nidalee and I are currently in a relationship."

"Uh-ee-a-but-I-where-when-you-her-but- _shwaaaaaa?!_ " I made erratic gestures with my hands to emphasize how my _How in the Hell Meter_ was all the way at one hundred. "How?!"

He shrugged. "It simply...happened. I suppose it started when we faced each other on the Rift. She proved to be a worthy adversary, and over time we began to seek each other out to spar. From there, it grew into mutual attraction, and we began seeing each other afterward."

I briefly had a horrifying vision of what their offspring would be like. Nidalee's ferocity and downright scariness plus Lee Sin's skills and chiseled abs equaled _the most terrifying being on the face of the planet._

"And when exactly we're you planning on telling me this?" I asked, hands on my hips.

"Whenever you asked." Lee replied. "Now, if you truly do not have any advice on how to counter my lover's (I felt a chill crawl up my spine) techniques, then perhaps you could offer me a suitable sparring partner?"

I shrugged. "Sure. I'm gonna beat your face into the ground, though, I hope you realize that."

"I sense a certain hostility within you." He noted.

"Maybe that's because _MY MENTOR GOT A BOYFRIEND AND NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL ME ABOUT IT!_ " I yelled.

" _WOULD YOU TWO QUIET DOWN?!_ " Irelia shouted from her own room nearby. " _SOME OF US ARE STILL TRYING TO SLEEP!_ " I felt a few veins bulge on my forehead.

" _SHUT UP IRELIA, OR I'LL GET RIOT TO NERF YOU! **AGAIN!**_ " I yelled.

Turns out, Ionians aren't all that tranquil.

* * *

 _ **Hope you all enjoyed the references! Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	31. The Lunatic of the Opera, Starring Jhin

_**Alright, it's that special time of the week again, and this time we're gonna get to the REAL good stuff! ...At the end of the chapter. And as I told you in chapter fourteen, PLEASE don't just skip to the end! I put a good amount of time into these every week, and I'd rather you acknowledge that and read everything. But enough of that, I think you've been properly chastised. On today's agenda, Helios and his ragtag crew of TOTAL AWESOMENESS will be going to the capital city of Ionia. The elders have some explaining to do. Then, they'll continue their pursuit of Khada Jhin, and resort to asking for some unconventional help, which Irelia isn't going to like. Now please, read on. Enough blabbering from me. BUT BEFORE YOU DO, WE HIT ONE HUNDRED FOLLOWERS! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_

* * *

Ionia's got one heck of a view from just about anywhere. You can look up at the mountains or look down at the vast valleys and forests. Wherever you are, it's always going to be a highlight of your life. Topped with ninjas, samurai, and spiritual badassery, and you've got one of the coolest places to be in Runeterra. I can guarantee that you'll have a hard time finding a better place to go for the spring.

The only problem that Ionia really has is that the people who run it have very odd ways of stowing their weapons. They've been known to carry katanas up their assholes, which makes them extremely irritable. They're also suckers for tradition and doing everything as their ancestors did, which prevents them from really advancing technologically. Ionia has firearms, but they're extremely crude Hextech ripoffs that require more magic than usual. Even Jhin has the same problem. His guns use tons of magic. Not that it hampers his aim.

This passion for tradition made itself evident when I learned that we'd be journeying to the capital on horseback. I suggested that I just run everyone there to save time, but between Karma's willingness to only relent so much and Irelia's overly salty refusal, I didn't have much of a say in everything.

(Alright, _fine,_ Karma, I'll tell them.)

Okay, admittedly, that isn't the only reason. So, remember when I saved everyone from the exploding Placidium? There was a teeny, tiny side effect to carrying everyone at that speed: they all vomited shortly afterwards. I'm told that it's rather unpleasant, even more so than when vomiting due to typical causes. So, as per Raka's doctor's orders, nobody was to be carried at light-speed anytime soon, for the safety of their stomachs.

"You know, we'd probably be fine if I ran everyone there." I grumbled as I walked beside the horses, on a path going over the many hills and valleys that stretched across Ionia. I had super-thighs, so I didn't need to worry about getting sore feet. "Seriously, it wouldn't even take that long."

"Helios, for the last time, _no._ " Karma said, exasperated. "You remember what happened when the Placidium was attacked, and it wouldn't matter how fast you would be able to transport us. The effect would still be the same, if not become more pronounced."

"Hey, Raka, what do you think?" I asked as I walked beside her. "Worth a shot?" Secretly I actually wanted to see her vomit again. Her puke looks like space. It's oddly pretty, and actually smells kinda nice. Like marshmallows. Don't ask. I honestly don't know myself.

"And _why_ would I support throwing up again, Helios?" She drily asked, with a tinge of humor.

"Becaaaauuuusssse...you're my girlfriend and I love you?" I tried.

"Try again, but the sentiment is the same." She smirked. Alright, then. I'd been meaning to pull out my little trump card for a while, but Ionia had been the only appropriate place to do it.

"Because you know that I find you to be so kawaii." I grinned.

Raka didn't reply, turning her head away to hide her oncoming blush.

"Quit fooling around." Irelia scolded. "We need to reach the capital by tomorrow."

"Which wouldn't be _a problem_ if I could just do things the easy way." I retorted. "Come on, you'd all chuck up a big one, sure, but I can find us a little private spot where you can hurl in private!"

Irelia, Ahri, Karma and Raka all shot me deadpans simultaneously. Wukong grimaced at the thought of monkey puke, while Shen remained stoically impassive, like all super-cool ninjas were. I sighed, defeated. There was no arguing with four simultaneous deadpans, not even if Irelia the Complete and Total Baka was one of them. Besides, my girlfriend is someone nearly impossible for me to argue with. I mostly just wind up seducing her. Then we proceed to make out in whatever private area's available at the time.

"Alright, fine." I conceded. "But you're going to regret this decision."

"And why is that, exactly?" Irelia raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Wu! Turn your staff into a banjo!" I instructed the Monkey King. And yes, he does know how to play. He can do a lot of things that you wouldn't expect, actually. His staff sprouted a banjo drum and strings, and he began plucking a few chords.

"You will regret this, Irelia... _BECAUSE I KNOW TRAVEL SONGS!_ " I yelled, launching into a horribly off-tune version of On the Road Again.

* * *

It was safe to say that by the time we reached the capital, Irelia wanted to murder me. And the others were all too willing to help.

Unlike mah boi Ellis, I find it hilarious to sing off tune. For one thing, I'm an ass, so doing things that annoy everybody are my specialty. I managed to burst one of Irelia's eardrums (score!) during a chorus, and Karma looked about ready to strangle me. Raka had earplugs with her (she had to, to be prepared for my antics), so I was fine there. Shen actually attempted to drug me with sleep powder, but I managed to take him down with me. We woke up at nightfall, and I then proceeded to pelt Irelia with my rations until she screamed at me to stop. Then it got ugly, with weapons involved. I cut off one of her sleeves with my axe, and she nearly took off my head with her blades. The others (my girlfriend excepted, she's used to it by now) didn't get much sleep. Again, I offered to just run everyone to the capital, but the only thing worse than vomiting is vomiting after little to no sleep.

To be honest, the capital city's kind of boring to look at. I mean, in Demacia, cities like High Silvermere are a blast to visit, but the capital's always the crown jewel of the entire city-state. Literally, considering it's home to the Citadel of Dawn. The Ionian capital is honestly...meh. It looks like a typical Ionian city, but bigger and with taller buildings. It's a lot more crowded, too. The only way to get _anywhere_ is by pushing and shoving, and people tend to push back.

"I thought it'd look better up close." I remarked, unimpressed.

"The elders aren't one for renovations." Karma replied as we crossed through the entrance. "They're very stubborn about making possible improvements and expansions."

"They're gonna regret that when we kick down their door." I snickered. "They'll wish they had a bigger space to run in." Wukong laughed.

"Um...guys?" I pointed at the sudden wave of people coming our way. "Is that Karma's entourage?"

"Oh, dear." Karma's face paled. "This may take a while."

" _LADY KARMA!_ " Thousands boomed, surging forward to greet her. Ionians are big on respect, but the funny thing is that when thousands of people come forward to "pay their respects," it becomes anything _but_ respectful.

" _GYAAAAAAAAAAH!_ " I screamed as the wave of anime fanboys hit us, completely overwhelming our horses. They were like _locusts,_ swarming all over us. I found myself being picked up by the crowd, and unceremoniously thrown aside. Then I was picked up by _another_ wave of people, and carried further into the slums of the city. My screaming outbursts of _WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING_ didn't do much to fix my predicament, so after a solid half hour of yelling my guts out, I resigned to my fate and let the tide of Ionian Paparazzi carry me.

When I woke up, I found myself laying in a broken ox cart down in an alley. I groaned at my throbbing head, shaking it vigorously to fight off my dizziness. "That is the _last_ time I agree to taking the slow way of travel." I muttered, sitting up as I shook off my daze. I found myself in a random corner of the city, which looked just about the same as every other corner.

"Oh, perfect." I rolled my eyes, exasperated. "Now I'm lost."

"It's not so bad." Mr. Paintbrush-Hair himself said next to me, huddled in the cart with his sword leaning against his knees. "You get used it after a while."

"What the- Yasuo?" I asked, dumbfounded. "How long have you been sitting there?!"

"Since the night before, actually." The wind samurai replied. "I heard about the situation and came to help. Discreetly, of course." Yasuo had a hood covering most of his face, and his sword's scabbard was hidden underneath a ragged grey cloak. He was a wanted man, so it made an appropriate amount of sense.

"What, you couldn't have woken me up sooner?" I stretched, feeling several bones in my spine pop. "I do have a schedule to follow, you know."

"Tried." He shrugged. "You were out cold. First time dealing with the locals, I'm guessing."

"Hopefully the last time, too." I replied, rolling my neck. "I don't suppose you know your way around, do you?"

"I can show you the way." Yasuo nodded, standing up and sheathing his blade. "The elders take up residence in a building not too far from here. You got lucky with the crowd. That doesn't happen often."

We walked in silence for most of the way, weaving around various clusters of people and occasionally stopping to admire the markets. Yasuo apparently had something on his mind, because he kept opening his mouth to speak, then closing it. "Alright, spit it out." I said. "What's got your tongue in a knot?"

Yasuo didn't reply for a second. He finally worked up the nerve, and briefly halted our progress. "How's..."

"Riven?" I finished. "It's been a few weeks since I last saw her, so I couldn't tell you."

"Oh." He replied, and we continued to walk in awkward silence.

"I mean, she looked fine the last time we talked, so that's something, right?" I said, attempting to repair the conversation.

"I suppose so, yeah." Yasuo replied. "It's been a while since she sent me a letter. They just stopped coming a few weeks ago."

"Probably busy." I suggested. "Or maybe it's just hard for the messengers to travel. Their routes could be blocked by the Noxian army. I doubt it's for a reason you need to worry about."

"Actually...you know what? Hold that thought." I fished my phone out of my pocket, bringing up my contact list. I selected "Future Queen of Demacia" at the top and began typing out a quick message:

 _To: Future Queen of Demacia_

 _From: SolarLord of Everything_

 ** _Hey, Shy, you there?_** I typed.

 _sup old man_ Was her reply. And yeah, that's exactly how she texts.

 _u need something?_

 ** _ಠ_ಠ_** _ **What did I say about calling me old?**_

 _does it look like I care?_

 ** _ **(─_─) ...I can't really see much of anything over a phone screen. You know that, right?**_**

 _uuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh yes fine get all technical if u want. did u just come to say hi or is it actually important?_

 ** _( ᗜ )_** ** _Actually, I was wondering if I had any great-great-great-grandkids to come home to yet! Is there a J5 in the royal bloodline yet?_**

 _ლ(◥▶෴◀◤ლ) I WILL TURN YOUR BONES TO ASH YOU OLD FART_

 ** _(ò ʖ̯ó) WHAT did you just call me, young lady? Don't make me come over there! I can run at the speed of light too, so if I have to spank you I will!_**

 _ლ(◉෴◉ლ) uh...nevermindi'msorryplisforgiveme_

 ** _(ᵔᗜᵔ) Ah, okay, sure. I can never stay mad at you._**

 _but for realz what did u need? i'm kinda busy fighting some noxians._

 ** _( ͠° ʖ̯ °) Wait, really? Where? And how are you messaging me while fighting?_**

 _a few dozen miles out from one of our outposts near shurima and i'm trying hard to fight and text at the same time but that isnt important. what r u messaging me for?_

 ** _Is Riven with you at the moment? I need to tell her about something important._**

 _uh, yeah actually, she's right next to me. gimme a sec, i'll hand her over._

I waited patiently for a few seconds, while Shyvana did just that.

 _Hey, Helios._ Riven greeted, on my granddaughter's account. _What's up? And this better be important. I'm not as effective swinging my sword with one hand._

 ** _(⸟ ͜つ⸟)_** ** _How many Noxians are you killing per minute?_**

 _Oh, around eighty._

 ** _(⸟ ͜ʖ⸟)_** ** _Not as effective, my ass. You're just showing off, aren't you?_**

 _Get to the point, Helios._

 ** _Well, I've got Yasuo with me, and he's a bit worried because you haven't been sending any letters. He just wants to know if you're okay, is all._**

 _(^_ _ω_ _^) Awww! Well, you tell him that's really sweet of him, and that I'm sorry because I haven't had time to send any letters because the King's been deploying me all over the place. I think he's a little trigger-happy with me, almost. But I don't really mind._

 ** _(`ω´) I dunno, Yasuo might need a little more incentive to forgive you than just a simple apology._**

 ** _If you catch my drift._**

 _(⪧ω⪦) I might have an idea in mind. Here, I'll give send this pic to you. But only Yasuo can see it. Tell him he has to delete it after._

 _Received File: Apology .png_

"Hey, Yasuo. Riven said she's sorry about not writing back, it's just that she's been busy with fighting Noxians." I told him. "She sent you this picture, but only you can see it."

He gingerly picked it up from my hands, opening the file Riven sent.

His eyes shot wide open after doing so, becoming rigid with his lips trembling.

His expression, basically, was ⤜( ﹏ )⤏. Lovestruck. All the way.

"Apology accepted." Yasuo stuttered. He fumbled for the "Delete" button on my phone, erasing the file from my system's memory. And to this day, I've never discovered what Riven put in that file, but anyone with half a brain could probably figure it out.

 _ **Yasuo says "Apology accepted."**_ I typed. **_I assume that you gave him something to fantasize about while you're away._**

 _More or less._ Riven replied. _I'm handing this back to Shyvana now. Nice talking to you!_

 ** _It was nice talking to you too. Later!_**

 _u done now?_ Shy asked. _what, nothing for me?_

 ** _I'd suggest a son or daughter, but I don't think you're too enthusiastic about that. What, has Jarvan not been trying hard enough?_**

 _I WILL SMITE YOU AND CREMATE YOUR CORPSE YOU ARTHRITIC OLD GEEZER BAG OF BONES AND SKIN_

 ** _Ana._**

 ** _Sweetie._**

 ** _Care to repeat that again?_**

 _...sorry._

 ** _It's okay. No hard feelings. But joking aside, yes, I do have something for you. I'm very proud of your progress and I hope you kick some serious ass out there! Couldn't ask for a better grandchild!_**

 _daww thanks gramps you're awesome._

 ** _I'm in Ionia right now, actually. I've gotta go in a bit, but if there's anything you want me to pick up, I'd be willing to bring you back a souvenir._**

 _dooooooo...they have anything good to eat?_

 ** _Lots of stuff. I'll send you a few recipes I found here so that the cooks back in Demacia can whip something up when you get back._**

 _Sent File: FOOD .png_

 _thanks. i'll see u later!_

 ** _Bye, Ana. Love you!_**

 _love you too bye!_

I ended the conversation, sighing contentedly. "Well, I guess both of us got what we wanted to hear out of that conversation, eh Yasuo?" I asked the wanderer, but received no reply. "Yasuo?"

I looked back to see him in the same lovestruck position, a blush spreading across his cheeks. Riven tends to do a number on him when she starts flirting. " _Runeterra_ to _Yasuo._ " I waved a hand in front of his face. No response. I smacked him across the face. He didn't so much as blink.

"Is there _anything_ around here that'll get you out of your stupor?" I asked, irritated.

An earsplitting crack echoed across the city, followed by startled cries and screams of horror coming from the elders' residence.

The sound came from a rooftop behind me, and I twisted around to see a dark silhouette back away from the edge, attempting to escape.

Yasuo shook himself out of his trance, drawing his sword and climbing up the closest building next to us.

Well. That worked nicely.

* * *

For a man in a mask and leotard carrying firearms, Jhin moves fast. Then again, leotards don't weigh much, so I guess that isn't surprising. You know what else isn't surprising? That Jhin's a murderer. His mask makes him look like a mime. You can never trust mimes. They're almost as evil as honey badgers. And bees.

Anyways, like the serial ballerina that he was, Jhin gracefully leapt from rooftop to rooftop, firing off stray shots to hinder our pursuit. Part of me didn't actually mind. For one thing, I got to Ninja Jump like a pro. I even struck a few poses midair just to increase the effect. Even Yasuo was doing it. I swear, it is just about impossible to _not_ do Ninja Jumps in Ionia. There must be some sort of protocol to be followed. I'll have to ask Karma about it later.

Jhin jumped down into the streets below, barging his way through the crowd. "You're _mine,_ asshole!" I swore, following his progress from the rooftops above. Yasuo followed, sword at the ready. As we jumped between buildings, several people in the crowds took notice, pointing up and crying out our positions, accidentally making our chase completely and utterly obvious. So much for subtlety.

Then, one old lady in particular screamed. " _IT'S THE RONIN!_ " She yelled with far stronger vocal chords than was usually possible for someone in their eighties. " _STOP HIM, BEFORE HE ESCAPES!_ "

And guess who her wrinkly old finger was pointed at? I'll give you a hint: he's got a paintbrush for hair. At some point, the idiot's hood fell down, giving everyone a clear view of his face.

The city guard (fancy term for Ionian police) looked to the source of her outburst, and sure enough, there we were. "Up on the rooftops! Shoot them down!" Their commanding officer ordered, and his men drew bows in response. Yay, now we had to dodge bullets _and_ arrows!

" _DAMN IT, YASUO!_ " I yelled as we ran. " _WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS WANT TO CLAIM YOUR BOUNTY?!_ "

" _THANK MY GIRLFRIEND FOR THAT!_ " He replied, momentarily stopping to deflect a few arrows with his sword, as all katana-wielding warriors could. " _IF I EVER SEE HER AGAIN I'M GOING TO HOUND HER ABOUT THIS MOMENT!_ "

" _SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN TO ME!_ " I agreed, as we cleared another ledge. "There! In that alleyway!" I pointed to a narrow opening in between two buildings, the Virtuoso vanishing into the shadows. We jumped down to pursue him, pushing and shoving our way past anyone blocking the way through. We were _so close_ this time, I could feel it. Jhin wasn't getting away.

We swerved around a corner to find him climbing up another wall, disappearing over another roof. Jhin had a rather odd way of getting his daily cardio in. Couldn't he just stick to one level of elevation? I could follow him for the whole day, sure, but it'd be a whole lot easier if he could just choose. It was almost like he didn't _want_ to be caught. What a bizarre idea.

When the two of us climbed up after him, using all sorts of cool ninja-samurai parkour stuff, we found Jhin just standing there, his back facing us. He was bent over the crowds below, who were currently in a mass panic, either because the Golden Demon himself was wreaking havoc or because Yasuo had been spotted in close proximity to him, which made for a terrible PR image. He looked like he was studying their reactions, as if there was something he found distasteful. And judging by the offhand comments he was making, he was in "Stage Mode." As always.

"No, no, _no..._ " Jhin muttered to himself, tutting disapprovingly. "They're playing their roles adequately enough, but the choreography is all _wrong._ " Strange, I thought screaming, shouting and running in terror were tolerable reactions. But hey, what do I know about crazy gunmen with drama issues? I'm just an (almost) all-knowing former deity with nigh-unlimited power...in theory.

"And only _perfection_ is acceptable for _my_ productions." Jhin loaded a round into Whisper, taking aim. "Some nudges from the director should put a little spring in their step."

" _Jhin!_ " I barked. "Put it down! _Now!_ "

Jhin sighed, as if I'd inconvenienced him. "And so the _hero_ of our little drama arrives to save the day and win the girl once again." He turned around, putting the tip of his gun to the floor to act as a cane. "Come to watch the performance, Helios?"

"Nah, I'm actually here as a messenger for the critics." I replied. "Their reviews are pretty negative. I'm here to stop the show."

Jhin laughed. " _Stop_ the show?" He asked. "Oh, but this is merely the prelude to my production, Helios. We haven't even gotten to the first act."

"Well, technically it's the thirty-first." I protested. "Have you _not_ been following the plotline?"

"Actually, I have." Jhin replied lazily, leaning on his cane with a bored expression (well, he had a mask on, but you get my point). "And I find the script to be rather...lacking."

(AN: U Wot M8)

"Terribly sorry if I offended you by revealing your amateur status, but the time's come for the true artists to go to work, and for the children to put their toys away." Jhin said.

(AN: *pouts*)

"I mean, _really,_ the fourteenth through eighteenth acts were completely void of _anything_ meaningful." Jhin drawled. "You could have at _least_ provided a little suspense, drama, bloodshed even! Where was the _substance?_ "

"Helios, what's he talking about?" Yasuo asked, confused.

"Inside joke, it's not important." I replied.

"Oh yes, so says the one thing about the production that even makes it _relevant._ " Jhin rolled his eyes. "Honestly, Helios, the humor's the only thing preventing the critics from denouncing the plotline! You're nothing but the comic relief, controlled by a puppeteer who doesn't even know how to write a script!"

(AN: I...try my best... sometimes.)

"Yes, and it's very amusing to see you pull recycled material from just about everywhere, but you're lacking _depth._ _Finesse. Inspiration._ " Jhin replied.

"You see, art requires a certain... _cruelty._ A splash of crimson to provide contrasting beauty to the masterpiece." Jhin said, before a curious expression flitted across his surprisingly expressive eyes. "Odd. I believe I've said that somewhere before." He shook it off shortly after. "Ah, well. It hardly matters."

"Now, if you'll _excuse me,_ I have to arrange the choreography for my production, as well as find suitable actors for the performance." Jhin slowly backed towards the edge, his heels just peeking over. "It'll be a show to remember, I _guarantee it."_

"You think we're just going to let you walk away?" I asked. "My axe is going to crack your mask in half by the end of today, pal. Believe it." I became aware of the Ionian city guard climbing up the building behind us, drawing their spears and ordering us to stand down. Yasuo focused his attention on them, guard raised and sword at the ready.

Jhin chuckled. "Well, if I am truly the villain of this act, I suppose I'd better act the part." He reached under the white shawl draped around his shoulders to reveal a Dancing Grenade. "And I believe that _this_ is the part of the tale where the hero allows the villain to escape in order to save innocents."

I grimaced and sighed at the same time.

Aw, _hell._

I _hated_ it when the bad guys played that card.

He dropped it to the streets below.

I lunged for it, leaping straight past the Virtuoso with fingers outstretched. As I fell, my fingers batted at the edge of the grenade, scrambling for purchase on the explosive. The fall itself wouldn't kill me, but it wasn't myself that I was worried about at the moment. Jhin's Dancing Grenades exploded _four_ times instead of once, and the force of the explosion became more powerful each time. They were nasty to contend with, and the aftermath was never pretty. Jhin's always had a graphic way of doing things, which is why he was banned from the Institute's drama club, if you recall. He'd been the director before, too. It just became too much after he temporarily killed Draven, Blitzcrank, and Jayce for not getting their footwork right. They were revived a few hours later, but that was Jhin's last screwup.

And now I had to deal with _this._ This was why it'd been a stupid idea for Noxus to declare war. All the crazies were loosed on the world, and nobody ever has fun with cleanup duty. Case in point: what was happening to me.

At the very least it'd been an interesting encounter. Despite my reluctance to admit it, Jhin's pretty entertaining to watch, not to mention interact with. It's kind of a morbid fascination. He'd be great in Phantom of the Opera. I've never taken much interest in that play, but it sounds like something Jhin would want to do.

I finally got a firm grip on the grenade, clutching it to my chest as I hit the ground, kicking up a large cloud of dust and punching a crater in the turf. As soon as I did, I rolled over onto my stomach with the grenade under me, squeezing my eyes shut with gritted teeth as I braced.

This was _probably_ going to sting a little.

The first explosion threw me off the ground as it blew like a landmine. I crashed against the wall a nearby shop back-first, then slumped to the ground and rolled onto my side. I was immune to extreme heat, so the explosion itself did nothing, but the impact still packed a nasty punch.

The second explosion launched me into another wall, but the angle of the blast caused me to tumble around midair, my stomach taking the brunt of the collision. I hunched further around the grenade as people scattered in all directions, anywhere away from the mayhem.

The third explosion sent me tumbling across the dirt as the grenade blew a hole in the wall I was previously on, getting mud all over my clothes and digging a small trench in the terrain. I skidded to a stop in front of a fish market, where a mantis shrimp on display looked like it was giving me the stink-eye. The thing was so ugly that I shuddered while suppressing the urge to vomit.

The fourth and final explosion caused me to rocket through the stalls, splinters and seafood alike flying in all directions as I punched a straight line through the market. I crashed through the wall of a noodle shop, destroying just about every table in the area and smashing into the bar. I burst a barrel of sake, flopping to the ground as my clothes were drenched in the alcoholic liquid. I rolled over on my back, letting the arm holding the Dancing Grenade go limp as I let out a groan that was more agitated than injured. The now-useless explosive rolled harmlessly against the wall, coming to rest near a shattered glass of sake.

I groggily pushed my head up to see a hole in the center of my clothing, showing the skin underneath. "Man, I'd just gotten those." I moaned, letting my head fall back down.

"You're under arrest!" Some of the city guard filed in to where I lay, leveling spears at my chest. I rolled my eyes, not even bothering to acknowledge the statement.

"Lower your weapons!" Karma stormed into the shop, the others in tow plus Yi (who'd decided to pop up out of nowhere, apparently) and Yasuo. "He's with me!"

"Oh...hey, Karma." I greeted, coming out as little more than a muffled whisper. "What's going on?"

* * *

"You _let him escape?!_ " The elder squawked furiously. I'd completely forgotten his name. It'd been mentioned at some point, but I didn't particularly care to remember. Especially since he kept coming back to the same point over and over again: that we'd screwed up, we were irresponsible, this was why Ionians were required to adhere to tradition, everything that could ever make someone vomit. Not only that, but it'd taken the local seamstresses _forever_ to patch the hole in my shirt, and the same went for the blacksmiths to repair my chestplate. The elder was also pissed because Jhin's shot had taken out one of his associates, which apparently sucked, judging from his tone.

"For the _last time,_ we were busy _saving lives._ " I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "It was more important than catching Jhin, at the time."

"And now your actions have allowed the Golden Demon to run rampant!" He replied furiously. "Do you have any idea as to what he's capable of?! We could very well have been assassinated!"

"But you _weren't._ " I said through clenched teeth. "And if we hadn't followed him, a lot more people would've died."

"Helios is right." Karma agreed, and without any degree of tranquility. We were both, to put it simply, _done_. "We are no better than Khada Jhin if we consider innocent lives to be expendable. Regardless, _we_ are hardly to blame for this, as it was _you_ that slackened your leash on one of the most dangerous men alive, which led to his most recent killing spree, so you and your indignity can kindly _piss off._ "

Oh.

My.

 _Gods._

 _No way._

My jaw hit the floor. Raka suddenly looked weak in the knees. If Lee's eyes were still working, they would've burst from his blindfold. Wukong was about ready to faint.

"Did you just-" I pointed a trembling finger at her. _"Roast_ somebody?"

"If that is the term for it, I suppose." Karma smiled sheepishly.

" _I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!_ " I wrapped her in a fierce hug. "There's hope for you yet, Karma!"

"I - erm...thank you, Helios." She awkwardly patted my back in response before I pulled away.

"So, wanna get out of here?" I asked, gesturing to the door. "I doubt that these idiots are going to be of any help."

"How _dare_ you undermine our authority-"

I threw the elders off their feet with a wave of gravitational force, pretending that I hadn't even heard. "Yes, it would appear that we'll have to settle this matter ourselves." Karma wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Shall we, everyone?"

"Now wait just a moment!" The elder protested. "You can't just leave us undefended!"

"Yi?" I called.

"I will see to their safety." The Wuju Bladesman bowed in confirmation.

"There, see? Boom. Wuju master for a bodyguard. Now _quit whining._ " I said, before we all exited the building.

"So, what now?" Ahri asked. "Are we planning on taking Jhin all by ourselves?"

"That sounds a tad too risky for my liking." Karma said. "Jhin's cunning, and will likely be ready for any attack. He's called a demon for a reason."

"Weeeeeeeelllllll..." I scratched the back of my head nervously. "I _might_ have an idea that could work."

"Such as?" Raka asked.

"Irelia's probably not going to like it." I replied. "With that in mind, Shen, Wu, hold her down!"

"Wait, why-?!" Irelia struggled furiously as she was pinned to the floor, her blades held in check by Ahri's tails, although the fox girl didn't appear to be enjoying the experience. Blades are sharp, surprisingly.

"So...anyways..." I trailed off. "Ever heard the phrase 'fight fire with fire?'"

"I have." Karma replied.

"Well, we're dealing with a masked weirdo, so why not get another masked weirdo of our own?" I suggested.

"You mean-"

"Yep." I confirmed. "How about we recruit a Master of Shadows?"

* * *

 _ **Next chapter: Syndra fight! Which I may be overhyping, just to forewarn you in case it isn't as cool as originally planned! Also...I have a question for all of you. Are you guys familiar with stories such as Cataclysm: Dragonborn and The Skies Will Clear? They're Shy x J4 stories, for those who aren't aware. Anyways, the new lore for the two of them is out, and well, if I was to, say...write a Shy x J4 story of my own, what would you guys say to that? Also, more OW x League ships to consider!**_

 ** _Hanzo x Ahri_**

 ** _Junkrat x Jinx_**

 ** _Zarya x Braum_**

 ** _D. Va x Ezreal_**

 ** _Reaper x Kalista_**

 ** _Ah?_**

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	32. Syndra and I Face Off (It Hurts)

_**Alright, boys and girls.**_

 _ **This is the moment you've all been waiting for.**_

 ** _...Maybe._**

 ** _Theoretically, this'll be the hardest fight Helios has ever had. Syndra's one of the most powerful mages in Runeterra, and she ain't gonna be pulling her punches. However, this does not mean that Syndra and Helios are enemies. On the contrary; they're pretty good friends in this story. But the circumstances of this chapter will have them on opposite sides of a conflict between Spirit Ninja and Emo Ninja, which, if I execute correctly, should have the Dawn Incarnate and Dark Sovereign giving it their all. It rather depends on my writing skills. The fight should take up a hefty chunk of the chapter, so there probably won't much else going on. NOW LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

* * *

"Question: Was your old pad _always_ this eerie, or did it magically become that way _after_ Zed trashed the place?" I asked the Eye of Twilight.

The question was in regards to the forest surrounding Zed's version of the Kinkou Monastery: the Temple of the Jagged Knife, formerly the original Kinkou Monastery, where Shen's father, Kusho, ran things. Before Zed killed him, at least. After the Master of Shadows had ever-so-politely relieved Kusho of his head, the monastery was promptly ransacked, the Kinkou all but exterminated completely at the hands of the Order of Shadow. Cool ninjas killed by emo ninjas. That didn't appeal to me very well. Over time, the area around the temple just got...darker. Scarier. More malevolent. Like Zed himself. His decor skills were on point, I had to admit. Syndra too, whenever she stopped by in her giant floating fortress.

Speaking of Syndra, she was the other reason why we were here. Apparently her fortress had been spotted above the temple, which means that she and Zed were probably engaging in Ionian hanky-panky. What's the difference between Ionian hanky-panky and regular hanky-panky, you ask? Ionian hanky-panky's a lot more difficult. A lot more exertion goes into it. But that's all I can say for the moment. Kolminye's starting to give me the stink-eye from across the library, which is warning enough. I swear, the woman has a radar for this sorta thing.

Since we were going to recruit some of the most dangerous people in Ionia, several people had to stay behind so that Zed and Syndra wouldn't get pissed off. Namely Irelia and Karma. Syndra was less than fond of those two, even though it wasn't really Karma's fault. Syndra just didn't like her because she was associated with Irelia, and can you blame her? Irelia has good intentions, sure, but she gets _way_ too carried away with defending Ionia. Anything potentially dangerous? _Boom._ Blades it before she even eats breakfast. Her obsession is kinda scary sometimes. Don't ever tell her I said that. I'll never hear the end of it.

So, the group traveling to ol' Vent Face's neck of the woods consisted of me, Shen, Akali, Kennen, Ahri, Lee and Raka. Wukong wanted to hang around with Yi a little bit...or so he claimed. I think he was just looking for an excuse to avoid Ahri for a while.

"Shen?" I asked again, after he failed to answer, as we went down the path, further into the woods.

I noticed that his fist was clenched to the point where he was almost drawing blood, his gaze kept firmly on the horizon.

"Shen, you're freaking me out, _come on._ " I tried a third time. Shen shook himself out of his stupor and turned his attention to me as we walked.

"Sorry, I was just...thinking." He replied.

"Like hell you were." I scoffed, before my gaze turned sympathetic. "Are you...gonna be fine with this? Working with Zed, I mean."

"Assuming we succeed." Shen pointed out. "Zed may not take too kindly to our intrusion."

"That didn't answer my question, Shen." I said.

The Kinkou leader sighed. "I..." He paused. "Sometimes I have trouble controlling myself when I'm around him. I fear that if I am not careful, I will lose myself to anger. I am the _Eye of Twilight._ It is forbidden for me to experience emotions that may tamper with equilibrium."

"Yeah, well, you kinda gave up on that a long time ago, didn't you?" I asked knowingly, gesturing with my eyes to Akali. Shen's expression gave me that one as a small victory. "And yeah, I get why you're mad. I remember the day when Zed killed your dad. It wasn't pretty, and I can understand why you'd want to kill him." I frowned. "Frankly, I'd be worried if you _didn't._ "

Shen raised an eyebrow from under his mask, both stunned and skeptical at the same time.

I rolled my eyes. "Look, man. It's neat, the value of equilibrium and all that. Balance above all things, rational and level-headedness rising over emotion, yeah, I get it, that's cool. But the idea that equilibrium can be applied to _everything?_ " I snorted. "That's just ridiculous."

"You do not believe in balance?" Shen asked.

"No, I do." I replied. "But it's idiotic to even _attempt_ to apply the idea to emotions. You're only human, after all. Humans have certain emotions for a reason. Take it from the guy who made them. Anger's normal, even expected, most of the time. You're allowed to be angry, I won't hold it against you. But..." I gave an awkward cross between a grimace and a smile. "Just don't go acting on it, alright? Find better ways to let it out, especially since I need Zed for what we're about to do."

"Do you really?" Shen asked. "You've never held a high opinion of Zed. Why so enthusiastic about recruiting him to our cause _now?_ "

"Eh, because he's Syndra's boyfriend and the fact that I need her for this more than anything else." I shrugged in reply.

"So you're using him." Shen concluded. "That's certainly devious of you."

"Well, nobody's perfect." I replied. "And like you haven't fooled around either."

"I don't believe that my 'antics' are related to using someone like a tool." Shen said.

"Zed's a tool anyways, it's not like I'm using him for something that he isn't suited for." I replied with a smirk.

Shen allowed himself to bark out a laugh. "I suppose we think alike in that sense."

" _Would you two quiet down?_ " Ahri hissed. "You're going to give our position away!"

"That's the idea." I drawled with a deadpan. "We're looking for Zed, after all. Might as well let him know we're here so he knows that we didn't come here to fight." My face split into a cheeky grin. "What, scared?"

"...Yes." Ahri replied quietly.

"...Oh." I replied. "I suppose that makes sense."

Zed might be a ninja, but that doesn't stop him from getting creative when it comes to killing people. If he's in one of his moods, well...let's just say that if you come across him, you're going to have a very bad day. Even worse than when a day without WiFi. And that's one of the most terrifying ideas in existence.

"How much farther?" She asked. "I'd rather get this over with instead of letting paranoia get to me."

"Well, knowing Syndra's knack for dramatic flair, I'd say right about..." I trailed off as we exited the woods. "Now."

And, well, dang, there it was. Syndra's floating fortress.

It hovered a few meters off the ground from across a lake in front of us, a dark silhouette against the moonlight (the reason we'd decided to go at night was beginning to escape me). It wasn't that big, as far as most temples went, but the sheer power radiating from it was enough to compensate. Mist also hung low over the surface of the lake, so it was given a spooky, enigmatically powerful vibe. Like I said, Syndra has a knack for dramatic flair, as do I. You haven't really been given good examples during the course of my adventure, but believe me, I can break out some serious fireworks. You'll get to see what I mean sometime.

The Temple of the Jagged Knife was about a mile from Syndra's not-really-bachelorette pad (do girls have that kinda thing?), assuming you got that far. Syndra served as a sort of gatekeeper for Zed, along with being his girlfriend. If you wanted to join the Order of Shadow, you had to get through her first. And if she didn't like what she saw, she threw them all the way across Ionia with her powers. Not _literally,_ of course, but they typically came out of the ordeal with broken bones and fractured limbs. Of course, sometimes it didn't matter if they got past Syndra. Zed would sometimes kill them anyway, if he was having one of those days.

Zed has issues. Let's just leave it at that. But, y'know, Jhin makes him look cuddly as a kitten, so really, it's something I was willing to let slide.

Syndra herself was levitating in front of her temple's entrance, arms crossed and looking less than pleased. Everyone faltered behind me, hesitant to take another step. The look the Dark Sovereign was shooting us sent a pretty clear message. Even Shen's weary of Syndra, and he won't even flinch when Fiddlestick's coming at him on the Rift. If he wasn't unwilling to kill me (long story, involves an ice cream truck and a few corn kernels), I'd shit myself.

A lot of people (IRELIA) fear Syndra because of her power, even though she isn't actually evil. See, the thing is that Syndra never had any parents. She was just left on the elders' doorstep one day as a baby, similar to Sona and the orphanage. However, as she grew up she displayed a natural talent for magic, and it scared everyone else as she got older. Don't believe people when they say she was being reckless with her power. She wasn't destructive or harmful at all with her magic; it's just that the things she did were on such a huge scale that the power displayed was downright terrifying. After the whole incident with her master and everything, she just became bitter. Yeah, she's done some bad things, but hey, nobody's perfect. Considering that the elders employed Khada Jhin for a while before he escaped, I don't think that anyone's in a position to judge. Syndra was only provoked. It's like stabbing a bear with one of Kalista's spears, and you're completely clueless as to why it mauled you afterwards. It's only being defensive.

"Helios. Should we...?" Raka paused, coming up next to me. She briefly took my hand in hers, her other hand tightly wrapped around her staff. I gave it reassuring squeeze, lacing my fingers with hers. "Shen, everyone, I'm going to need you to stay here." I said, letting go. "Syndra knows me. She'll take it better if it's just us."

Shen nodded, sitting himself down cross-legged on the ground. The others sat down in their own separate spots, but their eyes never left Syndra. "Be careful." Raka said, then sat down next to Ahri, keeping her staff standing upright.

I looked to where Syndra hovered. She nodded once, then gestured for me to come over.

I gestured to the lake with a raised eyebrow.

She rolled her eyes. Then, a rift formed in the center of the lake, and with a loud _fwoosh,_ the water parted, revealing a narrow path for me to take along the bottom. It was pretty deep, too. Enough to host some pretty big fish. Emphasis on _big._ Enough to feed a family for weeks. But that isn't really important.

I walked down the path, my boots gently sinking into the damp mud. Fish swam by as I passed, some stopping to give me the once-over before resuming whatever it was fish did with their lives. Syndra wasn't going to wait forever, though, so I made my sight-seeing short and sweet.

As I reached the end, the water returned, washing over the path behind me. It kinda reminded me of this one time with a couple of Shurimans back in the day. One had was an old guy and had a staff and the other was an emperor (no, not Azir), but again, not important. The important part was that it looked cool. Wielding near-unlimited power does have its perks.

I walked up the steps of the temple, all the way to where Syndra patiently waited, which, for her, was quite an achievement. She kept her arms crossed, but lowered herself to the ground, so that we stood at eye-level. A sign of respect on her part. Syndra likes to keep herself floating above everyone else because it makes her look superior. The only people she'll talk to at eye-level are people who she considers worthy of her respect (and sometimes, admiration and friendship, such as the case of Yours Truly).

"Helios." Syndra greeted.

"Syndra." I replied. "Nice to see you again."

"I suppose so, yes." She said. "Why are you here?"

I sighed. "Straight to the point, huh?"

"I'm not in the mood for small talk, Helios." Syndra replied with a small scowl. "Zed will _kill_ you if he finds out you're here. Especially since you brought Shen with you."

I snorted. "Shadow versus light? Gee, I wonder which wins? Bring it on, I'm not scared of him."

Syndra allowed a small smile to creep across her features. "Still stubborn as ever, I see."

"Would you have it any other way?" I smirked.

She chuckled. "No, I suppose I wouldn't." Not only was she talking to me on the ground, but she wasn't echoing her voice with magic. What, did you think she used it _all_ the time? It's way too inconvenient to remember to activate your Scary Voice twenty-four seven, and frankly, sometimes you _don't_ want to scare people away. "But still, you didn't answer my question."

"Actually, we came here for you." I replied.

"Explain." Syndra ordered.

"Sure." I shrugged, then grinned sheepishly. "But do we have to do _it...outside?_ In the _cold?_ "

Syndra sighed. "Fine. Come inside. I should have some tea left over. Your friends are welcome to join us."

I turned back to face the others across the lake, waving my arms to gesture that it was safe to come over. However, Syndra doesn't really give much in terms of respect for _them,_ so there was no path through the middle of the lake for them. They had to walk the long way around. Syndra also likes to inconvenience people. Both of us think it's fun to mess around that way.

Once we'd all entered, Syndra had tea made. Two cups and a pitcher floated into the living room (which actually looked pretty nice, for Ionian standards), and I took mine as I knelt on a mat in front of Syndra's, the mage doing the same. Again, she only gives treats to people she respects. She isn't really one for hospitality most of the time. Typically because she rarely gets visitors.

"Now, answer my question." Syndra said, before taking a sip of her tea. "Why are you here?"

"Khada Jhin. And Noxus." I replied.

She set down her tea, leaving it unfinished. "The Golden Demon. Yes, I've heard things from Zed about what he's capable of. Why does this concern me, though?"

"He's escaped." I said. "And he'll be coming for both Shen _and_ Zed eventually."

"Let him come, then." Syndra replied. "He's a fool if he thinks he can get past _me._ "

" _Syndra..._ " I said warningly. "You know what he's capable of. He isn't just crazy, he's smart too."

"Brains over brawn, then?" Syndra snorted. "If you believe that he's truly a threat, then very well. I will notify Zed when he returns."

"Now, about Noxus..." She took up her tea again to take another sip. "You want me to help you in the coming war, don't you?"

"Ideally, yes." I confirmed. "I don't think a measly Noxian army would be much of a challenge for you, but it's nice to stretch your legs every once in a while, you know?"

"That's something I'll have to take up with Zed." Syndra replied. "He'll be back shortly, so I can ask him then. Assuming he doesn't kill _him_ first." She pointed one clawed finger (she _seriously_ needs to get those trimmed) at Shen. "You know how he is with him."

"Ugh. Don't remind me." I sighed. "But enough about me. It's been a while since I last saw you. How've you been?"

Syndra scoffed. "You expect me to talk about my private life in front of people I barely know?" She gestured to the others. "I must say, I'm surprised that Karma and _Irelia_ didn't accompany you." She enunciated Irelia's name with venom, which I could understand.

"They'd only upset you. I didn't want to do anything that'd get you on your bad side." I said.

She nodded. "I'm grateful for that. And you're right; I would have found their presence less than appealing."

I hummed in response, and the two of us lapsed into silence for a little while. "So...are we just supposed to wait for Zed, or...?" I asked.

Syndra sighed. "He sometimes takes longer than usual to return. We may be waiting for a while."

"Yay, waiting." I drily replied. "It's not like I don't have time for this or anything."

"Do not speak to me as if I can do anything about it, Helios." Syndra fixed me with a stern glare. "This is one of the few things I cannot control, no matter how great my power."

"Right, right, sorry. Just stressed, I guess." I said. "But...still. You could at least offer some details on how you've been faring lately."

Syndra huffed. "Is this something that friends do to each other? Incessant pestering until their private lives are laid bare?"

"Well, not so much _that,_ but we do it because we care." I replied. "And yeah, as your friend, I just want to make sure you're doing okay."

Her expression softened. "That's very kind of you, Helios. And admittedly, things have been a little rough lately."

"Oh? How come?" I asked.

She sighed, her posture sagging. "Sometimes, I worry about Zed. He's letting his anger go too far, and if he isn't careful, it may consume him. I'm still bitter because of how I was treated in the past, but I've recognized Karma's willingness to start over, despite Irelia's persistent protests."

"Isn't that something you should discuss with him?" I asked, concerned. "Wouldn't he listen to you?"

"I...don't know how to bring it up with him." Syndra confessed. "Zed isn't one for talking about things like that."

"Then I guess I'll have to just help you drum it into his thick skull, won't I?" I replied with a smile. "Shouldn't be too hard. Between the two of us, what chance does _he_ have?"

" _A better chance than you realize._ " A shuriken whizzed above my head, biting into the wall behind me with a sharp _thunk._ Shadows began to congeal and solidify from the dark corners of the temple, dark silhouettes emerging. They began coming out by the dozen, taking the shapes of figures clad in black, bearing bladed gauntlets and jagged knives (Cli. Ché). Burning red eyes came next, leering at us as they emerged. One set in particular was especially malevolent, perched up on a balcony overlooking the living room from the second floor.

Zed crouched on the railing, blades drawn and flanked by six of his students on each side. "You should not have come here." The Master of Shadows said, fixating his gaze on Shen with a fierce glare. "You would have survived longer."

He nodded to the ninjas at his left and right, gesturing to us with one of his blades.

"Kill them all."

Well, damn. He didn't even wait for an explanation.

* * *

It all happened so fast, even _I_ didn't have time to react.

The only thing I remembered was blinking, and then Shen and Zed were zipping around the temple in a frenzied blur, while the Order of Shadow dropped down from shadows on the walls and ceiling, leaping towards our group. The others were immediately on guard, engaging with the attackers before I could even get a word of protest in.

Syndra and I remained seated on the floor, both of us appearing startled. We'd been expecting things to go nuts, but not _this_ fast.

Syndra sighed. " _I'm sorry._ " She said, in her projected voice. " _But it looks like I don't have a choice._ "

I shrugged with a sad smile. "It's okay; I understand. The things we do for love, right?"

She nodded. " _This probably isn't the best place to fight. Shall we take this outside?_ "

I stood up, dusting off my pants. "Sure. The lake looks like a pretty good place." I left my axe on the ground. I wouldn't need it for this match. No, _this_ time I was fighting with fists only. Well, and super-cool sun powers, but I digress.

Syndra floated up beside me as we walked out of the mayhem, the Dark Sovereign occasionally flinging a stray ninja aside with her powers (she's only for Zed, not his students). She then split the lake's water as she'd done before, but this time she expanded the area of effect to the shore, creating a ring of churning water to serve as a sort of arena. Of course, it probably wouldn't last.

We each went to one side of the lake, in preparation for our fight. I began doing side stretches, rolling my arms and neck shortly after. "So, are we just going to start right off the bat?"

" _Preferably._ " Syndra replied. " _However, you're looking at me like a dog begging for treats, so I assume you want to pull off a few shenanigans._ "

"Just one." I held up a finger. "Really. And it's a good way to start off the fight."

" _Fine. But this won't change the outcome._ " She said. A dark, sinister purple aura began to pulsate around her body, her dark orbs materializing around her to orbit in a circle. The air began to hum, becoming charged with power. " _Show me what you're made of._ "

"That's my line." I replied, slightly irritated. But hey, I was getting to unleash my inner Anime Nerd, so who was I to complain?

I clawed my hands at my right hip, acting as if they were clutching a sphere. I crouched sideways, putting my left foot towards the mage.

This was gonna be _fun._

" _Ka..._ "

" _Me..._ "

" ** _Ha..._** "

" _ **Me...**_ "

" _ **HAAAAAAAAA!**_ "

I thrust my hands towards the Dark Sovereign, and a torrent of fire erupted from my palms with enough force to punch a hole in a freight train. It scorched the ground underneath it, causing the dirt to crack and blacken.

But Syndra was ready. She clamped her orbs together in a diamond pattern in front of her, creating a makeshift shield. The blaze rammed into them, forcing Syndra to dig her heels into the terrain to avoid being knocked back. After a minute of consistently assaulting her with my flames, I got the feeling that it wasn't working, and I stopped.

However, Syndra decided to take that as an opportunity. She sent her orbs flying forward, all aimed at different parts of my body. I leaned back to dodge the first one, then twisted to the side to avoid the second. The third one slammed into stomach, knocking the wind out of me and causing me to bend over. The fourth hit me in the face, knocking me off my feet. It had actually _hurt._

 _Finally._ I thought to myself with a grin as I lay there, dazed.

 _No more slacking off._

I jumped to my feet as Syndra snapped her fingers, creating four more orbs to throw at me. I grabbed one with both hands, grunting as the impact made me stumble back. The orb burned to the touch, sending electric needles prodding into my nerves. Then, I focused, my hands lighting ablaze around the orb. Fire began to leak into it, slowly causing it to glow brighter. With a flash and a small burst of heat, the dark orb was transformed into a fireball, glowing white at the center. Using my new weapon, I smacked it across the second dark orb, deflecting it into a tree to my left. The tree exploded, a mere stump left over, surrounded by millions of slivers of wood. The maneuver was kinda like playing dodgeball, almost.

I deflected the third and fourth orbs as well, sprinting towards Syndra with my flaming orb clutched in one hand. I jumped, twisting my body in a corkscrew to add momentum. I flung it at the Dark Sovereign as my body completed its rotation, acting as if it were a miniature comet. Syndra managed to catch it with her power as I dropped to the ground, then glared at it intensely. Dark energy seeped from her body and into my orb, infecting it with darkness. It resumed the its previous form before my tampering, but this time black flames hissed and spat around the edges.

I briefly shuddered. The image reminded me of a Dark Sun, which is _not_ something I want to talk about. _Ever._ It's never a pretty sight to see.

Syndra flung the vamped-up orb, but I slid on my knees under it, the smell of sulfur and burning charcoal filling my nostrils as it whizzed overhead. I didn't bother looking back, a loud _boom_ followed by a flash of indigo coming from the corner of my eye. _Something_ just blew up, whatever it was.

I charged up a plasma bolt, hurling it as Syndra summoned more dark orbs. And as the bolt reached her (and this, I had to admit, was rather clever), she lined up all four orbs in front of it, the energy projectile passing seamlessly through all of them. But as it exited the orbs, it revealed itself to have become tainted black, purple lighting (how fancy) crackling around the main bolt. It snaked its way up her arm, traveling to the other one and arcing back towards me. I hurled another bolt, intercepting the corrupted one, creating a small explosion of light and darkness.

As I got closer and closer to Syndra, her fist began to glow purple, and she reared it back in preparation. I clenched the fist opposite to hers, drawing back to mirror her position.

We stepped forward, and our fists collided, Syndra's magical enhancement against my raw strength.

A shockwave exploded into existence from the impact, causing the trees around us to bend backward and for the water circling the arena to vaporize. The two of us held our ground, even though the ground was about ready to give way. We weren't done yet, though. My free hand flew towards her face, but she caught it mid-strike, clenching it tightly in her other hand.

The two of us planted ourselves firmly in the mud, pushing against each other as our hands remained locked together. The air started to whine and hum, as gravity and telekinesis strained against one another for dominance. The ground cracked further beneath us, straining to stay whole under the strain. The turf around us actually sank a little ways into the ground, as our respective powers pushed against it.

Tree branches started to snap. Rocks and boulders began to crumble. Our foreheads glistened with sweat from the exertion, our hands raw and our muscles aching.

 _Damn,_ she was pushing me hard. About time, too. I was getting bored with win after win.

And then, just as it looked like the environment around us would implode, we gave one last push.

The resulting shockwave (those happen a lot when powerhouses go to town on each other) threw us both into the forest beyond the temple. Syndra flew back through her home, rocketing through the wall before disappearing from my sight. I myself crashed through several trees, pain flaring up in my spine as numerous wooden shards (which were pretty damn big occasionally) dug into my lower back. I ricocheted off the wall of a nearby mountain, which actually hadn't been "nearby," per sé. In fact, it'd been about a few _miles_ from the temple, which meant that we'd overdone it a little bit.

I pulled myself up with a groan, hissing as I pulled the slivers out of my back. My clothes had been shredded, leaving my shirt and armor hanging off my chest in scraps. Raka would've found that sexy, but alas, she wasn't here.

I pulled the tattered cloth off of me, leaving me in just my battered pants. Welp, there went my Ionian outfit. Why couldn't I ever have nice things without them getting destroyed?

I heard a thundering rumble around me, and I watched as trees began uprooting themselves, floating up by the hundreds (Ivern and Zyra were going to throw a _fit_ once they found out) to join Syndra as she floated a few hundred feet up in the air, her eyes glowing like purple beacons of unrestrained power.

The gathered trees rotated a full ninety degrees, aimed at me horizontally like missiles.

My eyes widened.

Oh, this was gonna _suck._

As the newly created Wood Missiles launched themselves at me, I reached out with my gravity powers, smashing a few dozen trees sideways into the others, creating another splinter-filled explosion. I grabbed onto the debris and directed it to swirl around me, orbiting me to form a shield. Trees began slamming into my growing funnel, imploding upon hitting it and joining the others to add fuel to my fire. Literally, for what I had planned.

My budding tornado grew and grew, until it was a maelstrom of churning wood and stone, ripping away at the ground and tearing whole chunks out of the mountain behind me.

Then came the fun part. I began setting my storm ablaze, the wood inside serving as the perfect fuel. It spread upwards, enveloping my storm in flames, until it had become a hurricane of heat, causing the air to become dry and sizzling, while the ground smoked and blackened beneath me.

But then, my final phase of the plan began. Rocks lit up too, mixing in with the wood to set themselves on fire. I shot them upwards, through the opening in the top of my storm and down onto the Dark Sovereign from where she hovered.

Ladies and gentlemen, _this_ is how you set fire to the rain.

Syndra formed a shield of magic around herself just in time to take the brunt of the attack, but she was having trouble keeping it up, the sphere around her flickering and cracking under the stress. Even she can't completely handle a storm of ash and fire, especially when all of it's being directed at her.

But as it finally looked like I was going to win, and envelop her in my blazing storm, an immense shadow loomed over me, blocking out the sun and leaving my storm as the only source of light.

I looked up to see a giant mass of rock descending towards me, and descending _very, very fast._

"You've gotta be-"

And that, everyone, was when Syndra dropped a mountain on me, instantly snuffing my storm and creating a heckuva lotta hurt.

One thing to know about having a mountain dropped on you: _don't._ Not only does it hurt, but if the initial impact doesn't kill you, the lack of oxygen certainly will. I felt like someone was actively squeezing my lucks, sucking the air out of me until I suffocated. It's dark, too. Frighteningly so. It's dark, suffocating and somewhat claustrophobic. It was _not_ a fun place to be.

I gritted my teeth under the one-hundred million tons of rock pressing on my face. This was going very badly, very fast. Syndra wasn't holding back, which meant that if I didn't step up my game she was going to kill me. At least it was interesting, this time around.

With what little room to move I had, I pressed my hands against the bedrock above me, feeling the heat accumulate through my fingers. My hands began to glow, molten metal enveloping the skin. I pushed as the temperature rose, feeling the stone bubble and turn to putty in my grip. I pushed until I created enough space for me to move, then sat upright. I began clawing my way through the side of the mountain, gasping for air as my head emerged from the rock.

I growled as I saw Syndra in front of me, waiting expectantly. Some parts of her clothing were ripped, and lightly singed in some areas. Her hair was a mess, charred black at the edges, and both of us were breathing heavily.

I went into light-speed, running around her to tear up whatever trees remained from our clash. I swung each one into the mage as I uprooted them, piling up attack after attack with tree after tree. After I had finished, I began throwing plasma bolts from different angles, turning the battlefield into a crazy, electrified web, all of it aimed at Syndra.

It was the zaniest fireworks display I'd ever seen, the Dark Sovereign's body convulsing violently with the assault as it twisted and jerked. That's what happens when you get slammed by trees and plasma from multiple different angles at the speed of light.

As the smoke cleared, Syndra was revealed to be wobbling on her feet, trying desperately to stay upright, though I wasn't faring much better. Putting that much energy into everything had really taken a lot out of me, and if I even let up for a second, I'd probably have blacked out right then and there.

I trudged over to one more tree, picking it up in both hands. I turned around and swung it overhead, smashing it on Syndra like a twisted game of Whack-A-Mole. As I tossed the tree aside, I observed the hole that remained, which Syndra probably occupied. My hands lit up one more time, and I unleashed a blast of flame into the hole, until fire was spewing out as much as I was forcing it in. I stopped eventually, dropping to my knees, my lungs burning.

I thought I'd finally done it.

Then, a blast of dark magic burst from the hole, along with the Dark Sovereign, who rammed into me as she flew upwards. I felt something sharp rake across my left cheek, and I fell onto my back, groaning and cursing and hissing with the acidic pain that washed over my face.

Syndra floated back down, and she didn't look like she was doing any better than I was. Her skin had been stained with burns, and her clothing was charred and shredded just about everywhere (don't you even _begin_ to fantasize about where in particular _,_ you disgusting pervs, because those areas were actually still covered) The magic had faded from her eyes, indicating her fatigue. As soon as her feet touched the ground she fell to her knees, gasping.

I drew my hand away from my cheek to find blood on my fingers, and I looked up at Syndra from where she knelt to see that her right hand was covered in red.

"Syndra...you _seriously_...need...to get...those nails...of yours...clipped." I panted, weakly gesturing to her hand.

" _S_ or _ry._ " Syndra's voice began to distort and revert at random, as she began to experience difficulty with keeping her voice projected. "I... _th_ ink _t_ h _at I...ov_ erd _id_ i _t_ a _litt_ le."

"No...kidding." I replied. I rolled over onto my stomach, then slowly, agonizingly, I managed to stand. Syndra resumed levitating, although her focus occasionally faltered, and she almost dropped before catching herself. "Are...we still...doing this?"

"W _e_ ' _r_ e _bot_ h st _ill mov_ ing... _s_ o _we_ ha _ve_ _to._ " Syndra replied. " _On_ e m _ore_ _hi_ t... _sho_ uld _do_ it."

"Yeah..." I nodded slowly in agreement. "Let's just...get this over with."

I raised one trembling hand, gritting my teeth as I strained to set it ablaze. My muscles, mind, _everything_ screamed in protest, but I fought through it and silently commanded my body to comply with what I needed. Sweat rolled down my brow as my fist lazily began accumulating heat, glowing brighter and brighter. Syndra began doing the same, dark magic enveloping her fist. The ground began to shake, the air beginning to rumble as our power grew. Birds (what few stayed behind, anyways) scattered, sensing the imminent danger, as we each began preparing the final strike of the battle.

My fist had turned into a miniature inferno, glowing white-hot to the point where I couldn't even look at it. Syndra's had become a maelstrom of darkness and power, sucking the life out of everything around it. Whichever one of us hit the other, we wouldn't just be able to walk away. _This_ was going to _hurt,_ and only if we were _lucky._ If not...

"This..." I began.

" _Wi_ ll f _inis_ h i _t._ " Syndra finished.

We charged forward, and as our fists slammed into each other, the resulting outburst of energy enveloped us both, until all we could see was white.

* * *

 ** _And that was IT, ladies and gentlemen! Hope you enjoyed it! This was honestly really difficult to write, because fight scenes always take up a lot of time and effort to create. But I'm happy with it overall, and I hope you are too. Next chapter is the aftermath of the clash between Helios and Syndra, as well as how Soraka and Zed respectively react. Then, it's on to Khada Jhin! And don't you think for a SECOND that he won't be prepared! Because OOOOOOOOOH, it's gonna be GOOD! Until next time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	33. Jhin Attempts to Improve Our Footwork

_**And we're back! Once again, everybody, we have a new chapter available for all my delightful fanboys and fangirls, and we are actually drawing close to the conclusion of the Ionia arc! All that's left is Khada Jhin himself, and believe me when I say that it won't be easy to catch him. He's got some nasty tricks up his sleeve, along with some sick burns. WHICH I AM STILL UNBELIEVABLY SALTY ABOUT, BECAUSE HE MOCKED MY WRITING SKILLS! HE WILL PAAAAAAAAAAY!**_

 _ **Now please read. Thank you.**_

* * *

Everything hurt.

But I guess you already figured that out by now, didn't you?

"Oh, _gee,_ Helios, who could've guessed? It's not like you were fighting an immensely powerful mage or anything! Oh, wait! _You were._ "

Yeah, yeah, I get it. I need to stop stating the obvious. But I can't help myself. Not only do I receive an unbelievable amount of satisfaction from making all of you salty, but I really don't know what else to tell you. It _hurt._

As my vision cleared and my ears stopped ringing, the first thing I became aware of was how much pain I was in. I couldn't even _move._ My muscles were sore, my heart was pounding, and my lungs were on fire. Which sucked, because the irony was amazingly blatant.

The second thing I realized was that I was on my back, arms and legs splayed out awkwardly. It was still dark outside, which meant that we hadn't been out for very long, although Selene had positioned herself overhead, probably to gloat. I shot a glare upwards. If she even made _one_ remark about my current condition, I was going to die out of exasperation.

Wait...

She'd want that, wouldn't she? I rolled my eyes with a groan. I really _was_ stating the obvious too much.

The surrounding area had been decimated, trees shriveled up and dry, others reduced to charred stumps. Rocks had been melted, and the ground around my body was ashen and dark. Another repeat of that one time on the Rift, only this time it was ten times worse. Honestly, I was doing a terrible job of looking after my planet.

I hissed and gasped as I tried to move, my body firmly denying my request. Cuts and bruises zigzagged across my body, almost like tiger stripes. My body was steaming a little, although no burns were evident. I winced as I moved a trembling hand to my left side, sparks of pain igniting as I moved it over a few ribs. I guessed they were broken, then. Great.

Strangled coughs and gasps indicated that I wasn't the only one awake. I strained my neck to see Syndra next to me, just waking up. She blinked a few times, then noticed I was looking at her.

"Hey." She said.

"H-Hey." I coughed, scrunching my face in response to my throbbing ribs. "Let's...let's not do that again."

"That sounds... _okay-_ " She gritted her teeth, likely from a large burn across her chest. "I don't think I'll be able to move for awhile." Her voice wasn't distorted anymore, either. She was too exhausted to even _speak_ properly.

"Yeah, me neither." I let out an amused huff. "You did kind of drop a mountain on me."

"And you hit me with a tree. Several, actually." Syndra replied with a smirk.

"We, uh...we also appeared to have wrecked everything." I gestured with a small inclination of my head around us.

"So we have." Syndra mused. "We were pretty careless, weren't we?"

"We're gonna destroy Runeterra before we _ever_ beat one another." I said. "I'm starting to see why the Institute puts restrictions on our power."

"Otherwise the High Councilor wouldn't _have_ a League to run, would she?" She remarked.

I chuckled. "Here lies the remains of the Institute of War, fallen due to a couple of knuckleheads who couldn't resist having a go at each other. The history books would get a riot out of that one." Syndra snorted.

We lay there in silence for a bit, taking in the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation we were in. I mean, we'd almost _killed_ each other, and it was only because we'd been looking for an excuse to fight! To be honest, we'd been wondering about who would win for a while. There was just never a good place or time to find out.

We started chuckling.

Then, it turned into snickering.

From snickering to a chortle.

From chortling to laughter.

And from laughter to an all-out _guffaw,_ our stomachs hurting as our laughter echoed across the leveled forest.

"Oh, _man!_ " I wheezed through my giggling fit. "We really did a number on each other!"

"We really went too far!" Syndra agreed, gripping her sides as she laughed.

We continued laughing like maniacs, then sighed as our mirth died down. We stared up into the night sky in comfortable silence, waiting for our wounds to heal. It wasn't too chilly, and everything was reasonably quiet. It was just the two of us, chilling out after one of the stupidest things we'd ever done.

"We should probably return to the temple soon." Syndra said. "Zed and Shen could have killed each other by now."

"Those two idiots are even more idiotic than we are." I smirked.

"Can you walk?" She asked. "I might need some help with standing."

"The almighty Syndra, asking someone for help?" I raised an eyebrow. "My ears must be deceiving me."

Syndra's face went red. "Just answer my question. It's just this once."

"Nidalee said something similar when I arrived at the Institute." I replied. "Guess what? She lied."

"If I wasn't so tired that my legs feel like ramen noodles, I'd obliterate you on the spot." She muttered.

"Alright, alright, I'm getting up." I rolled my eyes. I opened one hand towards a few burning embers on a nearby stump, letting the cinders swirl into my skin. My muscles loosened up, and I was able to prop myself up on my elbows. I groaned and hissed as I gradually pushed myself to my feet, still sore from the fight before. Once I was standing upright, I reached down to take Syndra by the hand.

"Come on, up." I said, pulling her to a sitting position. "Up up _up-_ "

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders for support as she stood, and I did the second with her. We stumbled upon taking a first, experimental step, chuckling at our condition. We then made a slow, steady pace, limping in the direction of the temple.

"Hey...Syndra." I said.

"Hm?"

"I realize that you wanted to fight me in the first place, but..." I paused, trying to think of a proper way to ask my question. "Why did you say that you didn't have a choice? You could've stopped Zed right on the spot, but you didn't."

Syndra laughed humorlessly. "Because people are afraid of me, Helios. What choice did I have?"

"What does senseless paranoia have to do with your relationship?" I asked, confused. "It isn't like anyone could do anything to you."

She sighed. "Helios...it's complicated."

"Try me." I replied. "I may be a stubborn idiot most of the time, but I am smart enough to understand people's problems. I won't judge you."

"Saying that only makes me doubt you more." Syndra said, unconvinced.

"Maybe, but I've seen a lot of stuff happen in the millennia that I've been alive, and I don't think that your issues are worse than the craziest things I've seen." I countered. "Come on, you know you can trust me. We're friends, aren't we?"

"I..." Syndra looked away, embarrassed. "Yes. But I don't think you'll understand."

"That's true." I admitted, shrugging. "I may not be able to offer empathy, but I _can_ offer sympathy. At the very least you'll know I care."

Syndra didn't reply. We continued to limp in silence, which was nowhere near as comfortable as it'd been previously. There wasn't any sound or activity; any wildlife that'd been present when we fought had long since fled. It was unusually quiet, which was a little creepy, if I'm being honest.

"If...you don't want to talk about it...fine." I relented. "But...you know you can always talk to me about anything, right?"

Syndra gave a small nod, staring down at the blackened dirt as we trudged, stumbled and tripped our way back. The path wasn't hard to find; it wasn't like there was anything blocking our way. Our fight had seen to that. Thank gods it hadn't taken place in the city, either. That _definitely_ wouldn't have been good. But it wasn't like our actions wouldn't have consequences just because we fought away from other people. The vastaya, for instance, weren't going to be too happy. They already consider their lands stolen and their magic contained; they weren't going to appreciate losing more. Rakan and Xayah in particular were probably going to give me an earful. Well, Xayah would. Rakan would be too busy goofing off and looking for food to care. And I'd probably join him. Then I'd make fun of his chicken feet, and he'd slap me. Rakan would then get his feathers singed, and the whole situation would escalate into one big ol' brawl. But, as you know, that isn't necessarily a bad thing, in regards to my opinion.

"...I'm scared, Helios." Syndra finally said.

I blinked, momentarily stopping in my tracks. There was no way I'd heard that right. "What?" I wasn't looking at her when she said it, so I wasn't entirely convinced that my ears weren't playing tricks on me. "Say that again."

"Helios, _please._ " She almost pleaded. "Don't make this harder than it needs to be." It would appear that she could sense my disbelief. I grimaced apologetically.

"Sorry, it's just... _you?_ _Scared?_ " I said. "Syndra, you're one of the most powerful mages in the world, if not _the_ most powerful. What could actually scare _you?_ "

"The possibility that no one will ever love me." Her voice was small and meek, barely more than a whisper.

I didn't reply, my silence indicating her to continue.

"For as long as I can remember, everyone's always feared me." Syndra said. "No matter what good deed I did, no matter how many times I tried, I was always cast out because of my power. It was always too much for them whenever I used magic." She smirked bitterly. "Amusing, isn't it? How people can so easily resent something that is different from them, even when that resentment isn't reciprocated."

An image of Shyvana flashed in my mind, along with memories of the life she'd had bedore she met Jarvan. "I think I can understand that." I said.

"And when I was sent to my master, to learn better control of my magic..." She smiled at the memory. "I was _so happy._ I felt like I was finally being accepted for who I was, and that people would stop being afraid of me."

"But then you found out that they were really just trying to constrain your magic, eliminate the threat they felt you posed." I continued. "Then you got angry."

She nodded. "Yes. And when I killed my master, who I felt betrayed me after being the only one to ever show me kindness, I fled. I knew what would happen if I was found near his corpse. And as my power grew in isolation, so did my anger. My resentment. My hatred for what they had done to me."

"And when I met Zed, it felt like I finally had a friend. He felt betrayed by his own master, as I had with mine. We quickly formed an alliance, plotting to take revenge on those who had wronged us." She continued. "And then, somewhere down the line...we fell in love."

"And you're scared because Zed's the only one who's ever really loved you, aren't you?" I slowly put the pieces together, comprehending Syndra's predicament. "You've never really disagreed with him completely, have you?"

She shook her head. "I'm scared that if we start arguing...it'll escalate to the point where he leaves me behind. And I'll be alone again." Syndra took a shaky breath, trembling. "I can't be alone again, Helios. It hurt too much the first time."

"You won't be." I replied. "I used to watch you and Zed a lot, back when I was still the sun." I chuckled. "He loves you, Syndra. He really does. The funny thing is that he's always had trouble saying no to _you._ I bet that you could get him to see reason."

"Besides...if worst comes to worst..." I shrugged with a sheepish grin. "We can always create a master plan to 'accidentally' sneak Skaarl into his room when he's asleep."

"I'd like that." Syndra snickered.

"Sounds like a backup plan, then." I affirmed. We'd begun to enter the forest that was left undamaged, surrounded by the familiar chirping of birds and buzzing of insects once again. "Now, let's get you back to yours and me back to mine, shall we? They're either still fighting or worried sick. Maybe both."

"We probably won't get back for a few hours, at the pace we're going." Syndra said. "I suggest we hope it's the second option."

"Or..." I nodded towards the group coming toward us, which I'd just noticed. "We can go greet them earlier than expected." All of them were visually panicked, Raka and Zed especially, the Master of Shadows abandoning his typical brooding persona. Raka looked even more worried, but also likely to beat me over the head with her staff.

"What- _ZED!_ " Syndra yelled, limping faster than I found comfortable. I yelped, attempting to keep up, which my aching joints didn't appreciate. _"Syndra...wait-"_ I protested, my voice raspy from the small flashes of pain pricking my ribs, but the mage was effectively tuning me out.

Zed ran forward to embrace her, locking her in a fierce hug. "What happened?" Zed asked, gripping her by the shoulders while examining her numerous injuries. "Are you hurt?"

"Zed, you need to stop." Syndra got right to the point. "Please, no more. Just stop."

Zed paused, looking back to fix Shen with a smoldering glare. Shen didn't return it, gesturing to the Sovereign in his arms. Zed growled, then deflated. "As you wish." He replied, putting his chin on her forehead while she nuzzled his neck. Boom. Crisis averted. That was _literally_ all it took. One has to wonder why Syndra was even worried in the first place... (hint: it's because the two of them suck at being a couple; it's one of the reasons they're perfect for each other)

"You idiot!" Raka chastised, already getting to work on my wounds. "This was just like the time with Sion! What did I say about getting yourself into situations like this?"

"...Not to." I mumbled.

Raka huffed through her nose. "I don't suppose I can change your attitude toward these things, can I?"

I smirked. "I appear to be rather stubborn."

"You'd better come back alive every time you get yourself into a scuffle, then." She said, using magic to mend my broken ribs. "Being single isn't as fun as Ahri says."

"Funny. I was under the impression that she was looking for a guy." I sighed blissfully as the pain coming from my ribs faded. My muscles relaxed, and my fatigue slowly waned.

"She is, but she still says it's fun to get the boys hot and bothered." Raka replied.

"I know what gets _you_ hot and bothered." I grinned cheekily. Raka squawked, blushing as she smacked my chest.

"So, what'd we miss?" I asked Shen.

"Very little." He replied. "Zed and I had only clashed for minutes when you two started fighting. From there, we merely spectated until you two went into the forest. After you both unleashed an apocalyptic amount of energy, we began searching for you, which took hours, even with the amount of distance we were able to cover in a relatively short amount of time."

"Huh." I frowned. "Well, whaddya know, Syndra, guess we didn't have to worry after all."

"Barely." Zed grunted. "I was mere seconds away from relieving Shen of his head."

"You would have had to try harder than _that_ to eliminate _me,_ brother." Shen replied. "The Kinkou Order is not so easily eradicated."

"Maybe so, but I always enjoyed a challenge." Zed flashed his blades menacingly.

"Yes, getting knocked off your feet time and time again when we sparred was certainly difficult for you, wasn't it?" Shen countered, smug.

I laughed, slapping my knees. "Oh my gods, ninjas _can_ roast! This is _awesome!_ "

Zed opened his mouth to retort.

A crack resonated through the razed forest.

I paused mid-laugh, my mouth still open while my eyes darted around the trees, looking for an explanation.

Zed's eyes widened, and he moved a hand to his shoulder blade, which was now in possession of a bloodied hole. The bullet did little to actually harm him (ninjas have immense pain tolerance, or so I've been told), but the meaning behind it was the same.

I slowly closed my mouth, feeling a cold dread build up in my stomach.

"Ah, _shit._ " I swore.

Of all the times, Jhin, _really?_

* * *

" _A chill wind sweeps through the forest, and the leaves rustle as mist begins to coalesce beneath the trees..._ " Jhin's voice echoed ominously. It wasn't coming from any discernible direction, and neither I nor Syndra were in any condition to fight. The others instantly drew their weapons, forming up around us in a tight circle, which I found really sweet, in regards to Raka.

" _The moon glows with a cold, unfeeling light overhead, but it fails to reach the shadows below as everything falls **dead silent.**_ " Damn it, it was too dark to see anything. Jhin could be hiding three feet in front of us for all we knew and we wouldn't be able to see him coming. Zed would've been able to see him, but the mist coupled with the moonlight poking in through the trees would make it difficult for him to use his abilities to his advantage.

" _The hero can do nothing but watch as his friends attempt to protect him from the great Khada Jhin, who stalks the remnants of the Kinkou Order like a predator to prey, a lone wolf in the night."_

"Enough of this." Zed growled. "Face us and _die, murderer."_

" _The Master of Shadows blithers incessantly, his outburst as humorously tragic as it was hypocritical._ " Jhin replied. I blinked, frowning. That was certainly...an odd way to roast someone.

" _Our hero, Helios, looks as blatantly confused as ever, as his mind utterly fails to comprehend the danger he is in._ "

I deadpanned.

" _But, unbeknownst to the terrified and cowering warriors_ (I strongly protested to 'cowering,' not so much terrified) _, Khada Jhin had already set his trap. They were caged rats, completely at the mercy of the vengeful assassin._ " Jhin continued. Oh, _now_ he was just being ridiculous!

(AN: I'd have to agree, but I'm the one writing this, so...actually it's awesome :P)

" _Oh, look, the incompetent stagehand who can't write a script. Strive for mediocrity somewhere else, boy. The time for me to shine in the spotlight has come._ "

(AN: Jhin why u do dis T-T)

" _And_ _to the heroes' dread, Khada Jhin was **far** closer than they realized._" I gulped, feeling sweat trickle down my brow. I desperately looked around for a source of fire, _anything_ to hasten my recovery. I couldn't just sit there and do _nothing._

" _Alas, there was no flame to be found, for the predator had prepared his trap cunningly, and with patience._ " My blood ran cold. My heart started pounding as I realized that Jhin had us right where he wanted us.

" _And then, suddenly!_ " I froze.

...

...

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 _...Click..._

 _...Clack._

 _...Click..._

 _...Clack._

 _...Click..._

 ** _...Clack._**

 ** _...Click..._**

 ** _...Clack._**

 ** _...Click..._**

 ** _...CLACK._**

 ** _CLICK..._**

 _..._

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 _ **B  
A  
N  
G  
!**_

A bullet screeched from the brush, skimming over the edge of my shoulder. Blood seeped from the cut, and the others unleashed a flurry of shuriken and banana bolts in response. Birds scattered from the targeted area of the forest, cawing and squawking as they fled.

" _I warned you that our first encounter would only be the first act, Helios._ " Jhin said, which meant that our blind fire hadn't really done much. " _I've spent **so long** preparing for this production. All the meticulous planning, the choreography, the roles, the **finale...** I daresay that it'll be my finest work yet._"

"Jhin, stop this!" Shen said. "You only delay your inevitable capture."

Jhin laughed. " _And why would I do that?_ " He asked. " _So that the hero can win? Save the girl and ride off into the sunset, triumphant over evil?_ " Jhin groaned with exasperation and disgust. " _That's been done to death a thousand times over, and with absolutely **no** variation, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm a little blasé towards the whole concept._ _And I have been planning **your** final performance, Shen, for a _**_very...long...time._** "

" _Really, you have no idea how hard it was to get the lighting right!_ " A faint clattering beneath me caught my attention, and I looked down to see a Dancing Grenade skip and tumble to a stop at my feet.

" _GRENADE!_ " I yelled, scrambling away from the explosive. Shen and Zed both noticed, and reacted instantly. Zed scooped it up with one of his blades, and tossed it into the air in front of Shen. He drew his steel saber and smacked it skyward, using his blade like a baseball bat.

The Dancing Grenade exploded, bouncing through the air like a firecracker each time it combusted. It lit up the sky in an admittedly dazzling display, almost like fireworks.

" _See what I mean?_ " Jhin asked. " _Exact._ _Precise. Timing._ "

" _Oh, and before you ask, yes, I've planted Lotus Traps on every **inch** of this forest, so you won't be leaving just yet._" My heart sank. Jhin wasn't playing around. He wanted to be absolutely sure that we wouldn't escape. We were sitting ducks.

" _You've finally realized it now, haven't you?"_ Jhin chuckled. " _Shall we dance?_ "

" _Places, everyone, places!_ " Our friends tightened the ring around us, ready to shield us from the Virtuoso's lethal performance. " _From the top!_ "

 _ **BANG!**_ A bullet struck the ground near Ahri's feet, and she yelped, jerking back the foot that had been the closest.

" _Move your feet!_ " Two more bullets bit the dirt at Akali's heels, and she began stepping out of the way as more followed, deflecting bullets with her kamas as she twisted and sidestepped accordingly.

" _Straighten your back!_ " A bullet zipped just behind Raka's spine, inches away from breaking through the skin. Raka's body tensed, tightening her muscles and standing rigid with a startled squeak. She does it sometimes, it's really adorable. But that's another story.

" _Spin faster!_ " Kennen flipped and spun as he dodged incoming gunfire, throwing out shuriken to intercept shots occasionally.

" _Come on, you two, put your **backs** into it!_" Shen and Zed simultaneously leaned backward as rounds imbued with dark magic screeched towards them, letting them pass over their heads secret-agent style. Nice.

" _And you! Look at me when I'm trying to teach you the basics!_ " Jhin focused on Lee next, but he'd forgotten the fact that the monk could smell bullets coming from a mile away. He kicked up a stone, and the bullet ricocheted off the surface, flying into a random corner of the forest.

Lee's got some _serious_ moves, I think we can all agree on that point.

" _No, no, **NO!**_ " Jhin fumed. He was actually furious this time. Jhin's temper is fearsome to behold, and if things don't go his way when he's preparing his performances, you'd better hope you aren't on the receiving end. He might be an artist, but artists vent their feeling into their creations. Pray that he never vents with you as the target. " _You aren't supposed to **deflect** them, that isn't in the **script!** Only **perfection-**_ " Jhin paused, taking a few trembling gasps as he tried to regain his composure. He let out a shaky breath, still livid with the flaw in his production.

" _ **Only perfection is acceptable.**_ " Jhin's voice took a sharp edge, hell-bent on murder. " _It appears that I'll have to walk you through the motions._ "

" _Step."_

 _"By."_

 _"Step._ "

A faint clicking of machinery could be heard, followed by a series of _chinks,_ the kind that sounded whenever something was extending.

" _Shall we choreograph your grand finale?_ "

 _Oh,_ _no._

I knew what was coming next, and if Jhin was done playing around, then this really _was_ the finale.

" _EVERYBODY DOWN!_ " I yelled, and we hit the dirt just as Jhin pulled the trigger.

" _One."_ A round the size of a tank shell obliterated everything in its path as it exploded from the barrel, creating a line of felled trees and newly-made stumps.

" _Two._ " I rolled to the side as a second round whistled past my head, punching a hole in a boulder behind me. I clutched the left ear, wincing at the sheer volume the velocity of the bullet had generated.

" _ **Three.**_ " A third round nearly took off one of Ahri's tails, tearing out a bit of fur and uplifting the terrain behind her. She flung herself out of the way, landing on her stomach as dirt and sediment was flung upwards from the blast.

My mind started racing. I only had a few split seconds at the most before Jhin's final shot led to one of us experiencing our own ending credits. If I couldn't figure out a solution, we'd all be killed eventually. But I _still_ wasn't strong enough to intercept Jhin's shots, and neither was Syndra. Not to mention the Lotus Traps that surrounded us, which would make it impossible to chase him if we succeeded in staying alive. But we couldn't let him get away. Not when we were already this vulnerable. If he didn't kill _us,_ he'd go for Karma and Irelia, which, admittedly, doesn't sound _completely_ like a bad idea, but Karma more or less ran the country since the elder were too busy freaking out, so that wasn't an option.

 _Think, Helios, **think!** _ I thought frantically to myself, blood and sweat mixing together on my brow (Jhin had interrupted Raka's healing process). _How can we get ourselves out of this?_

 _Escape? No, Jhin's prepared for that._

 _Lure him out? Make him angry enough to make mistakes? Hell no. If anything, anger makes him more dedicated._

 _Fight? ...I must be joking._

 ** _Come on,_** _this isn't **working!** It has to be something **different!** Jhin's made us sitting ducks. He's controlling the entire confrontation, and at this point only he gets to decide who lives and who dies!_

 _That leaves bargaining, then._ I affirmed. _But what would a psychopathic killer like Jhin want that wehave?_

 _Money? I doubt I have any coins with me._

 _Hostages? Now that's just being stupid. This isn't an action movie. Shame, it would've been so much easier that way._

 _Freedom? He already has that, and he's probably not going to respond to threats to lock him up, especially when we're at his mercy._

 _No, what has it been that he's always wanted, his sole objective from the beginning?_

 _Fame._ I realized. _All Jhin wants is to be recognized for his work, and that's difficult for him because his specialty is murder._

 _So, how do we offer him fame?_

My eyes widened.

 _A performance._

" _ **FOUR!**_ "

" _WAIT!_ " I yelled.

Jhin must've heard me and jerked Whisper to the side at the last moment, because he'd been aiming right at Zed. The bullet, instead of bursting his head like a balloon, angled towards the right side of his face, where his eye was. Zed twisted out of the way, but at the cost of his mask, the armor covering his eye blown off. Zed turned to glare at the direction the bullet had come from, his pale skin and right eye now visible. And Zed's eyes are actually red. He even makes them glow like Syndra's too, but only the irises. If he, Shen and Syndra got together, they could have an optical disco party.

"You. Made. Me. _Miss._ " Jhin seethed, stepping out into the open with Whisper aimed at my chest. "You _ruined_ my production."

"Only because you would've made the biggest mistake of your life by hitting your target." I replied, stepping forward with my arms raised.

"I suggest you start explaining yourself, Helios." Jhin replied, his voice dripping with cold anger. "I may not have created the grand performance I envisioned, but I'll settle for making art out of _you._ "

"Well, it wasn't much of a performance to begin with." I said. "To be honest, it could've been a lot better."

" _You_ think you can educate _me_ on how to perform?" Jhin's eyes thinned to slits, pressing the barrel of his gun on the skin covering my heart. " _Me,_ the greatest artist to ever grace Runeterra with his presence?"

"I think you might be surprised at what I have to say." I shrugged. "Even you can learn a thing or two from someone's advice."

Jhin twitched his trigger finger, slightly readjusting his grip on Whisper.

I gulped inaudibly.

My gaze never left Jhin's, no matter how hard it was to stare at the gun against my chest.

Raka and the others were watching, ready to come to my defense, but a palm raised in their direction prevented them from interfering.

 _Come on, Jhin._ I thought desperately. _You're curious, I can tell, just say_ yes.

Then, Jhin started chuckling. He threw back his head and _laughed,_ and I shuddered at the sound. It was the same maniacal laughter that frequented the Rift, the spine-chilling cackle that drove shivers and goosebumps across the skin.

"I must admit, I'm intrigued to hear what you've come up with." Jhin spun Whisper neatly in his hand, then reassembled it into a cane, leaning on it casually. "You have my attention, Helios. I'm all ears."

I sighed inwardly, then smirked. "I have an offer for you, Jhin. And I think you're going to like it."

* * *

What the hell was I doing?

"Helios." Akali said. "What are you doing?" She didn't sound very happy.

"Saving our lives, Akali." I replied. "This'll only take a second."

"Tick tock, Helios." Jhin said. "You've made a captive audience out of me. I suggest you use that advantage wisely."

"Right, of course." I agreed. "So, here's the thing, Jhin: do you feel particularly satisfied with how this production of yours turned out?"

"I would have, if it'd gone according to my design." Jhin briefly glowered. "But no, I can't say I was."

"That's because it was a total rush job!" I replied, trying to sound exasperated. "Really, you didn't even bother with building up to the big moment! It was just one assassination attempt after another, and frankly, your targets could've been better."

"But that isn't your fault." I hastily added upon seeing his distaste for my comments. "You just didn't have a lot to work with."

"No no _no,_ what _you_ need is a larger canvas." I spread my arms with a grin to emphasize my point. "And I think I know just the place."

"Helios, you can't actually be considering-" Shen butted in, but I shot him a look to stop him from interfering.

"Demacia is under threat from Noxus." I continued. "A beacon of light threatening to be enveloped by darkness." I was starting to get into it. Acting actually _was_ kinda fun! "If you ask me, that clash of black and white could use a splash of red. You're into contrasting beauty, right?"

"And what's more, _Sona Buvelle herself_ will be giving her _own_ performance in the final battle!" I could see the excitement dancing around in the Virtuoso's eyes. "You've always said she's good for background music. I can't think of a better muse to accompany your art."

"And there will be _so_ many aspects of Runeterra to incorporate into the grand finale! Mount Targon, the Freljord, Bilgewater (theoretically), Ionia! It'll be a striking clash of murderous art, a symphony of blood and ash." I smiled viciously. "It'll be the grandest production the world has ever seen."

"But the thing is..." I sighed. "Noxians and Zaunite have _no_ finesse, none! They don't understand the _beauty_ in death like you do. They'll butcher the entire thing, and the whole canvas will just wind up as one big mess."

Jhin almost snarled at the idea. Good. He was into what I was selling.

"They need someone to conduct their deaths, Jhin! Someone who can turn carnage into a _masterpiece!_ A muse of slaughter and bloodshed!" I said. "They need a _Virtuoso._ "

"That could be _you!_ " I insisted. "You're ahead of your time, Jhin, you've said it yourself before! Who else is competent enough to pull it off?"

"So, whaddya say?" I asked with a triumphant grin, full of malicious excitement (which was really hard to pull off). "If you're still not convinced, I'm sure that Jarvan the Third would pay handsomely for your services. Demacia _is_ the wealthiest nation in the world, after all."

I offered him my hand. "Don't pass up this chance, Jhin. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you do."

"Helios, _don't._ " Raka pleaded. "This isn't right. He's a murderer. How many people have died because of him?"

I winced a little, but didn't reply. I'd have this discussion with her (and everyone else, yikes) later.

"Well?" I asked. "What's it gonna be?"

Jhin regarded my hand with interest, silent. He drummed his fingers on his cane, tapping one foot thoughtfully.

Then, he chuckled, disassembling his cane and holstering Whisper. "Kill Noxians and get paid for it? What's not to like?"

"We have a deal." He took my hand, and we shook on it.

I probably would've gotten myself killed, if Jhin wasn't such a sucker for the performing arts.

* * *

 _ **Woo! And that is IT for this chapter, ladies and gentlemen! I feel like I did pretty good with this one. I think I wrote Jhin's personality decently enough, and it was definitely fun to write.**_

 _ **Also, I HAVE A TUMBLR ACCOUNT NOW! WOOHOOOOOOOO! You can find it here:**_ ****

 ** _That's all for now. Until next time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	34. I Run Away to Pirate Land

_**Alright, everyone, we're back with a new chapter! And, uh...it's the last chapter of the Ionia arc. I think I forgot to mention that last time. This week, Helios is going to have to deal with some major criticism for making a deal with Jhin, as well as transitioning to Bilgewater, where he'll encounter pirates, bounty hunters, outlaws, and a lady with a demonic purse. Oh, and a guy with an anchor. We're more than halfway to the showdown with Jericho Swain and the Noxian army, so hold on to your hats and whatever else you have on, because things are about to get intense!**_

* * *

"Are you **_MAD?!_** " Karma asked, pacing furiously in the restaurant-turned-meeting room. "Going to _Zed_ was questionable enough, and something I was willing to tolerate, but _this?!_ " For once, it wasn't Irelia doing the shouting, although it looked like she had a fair amount of disapproval to contribute alongside the Duchess.

"I'm standing right here, you know." Zed replied, unamused. He'd taken his mask off (which he hadn't fixed yet), his red eyes and shaggy brown hair visible to the eye. Syndra was sitting cross-legged next to him, and the two hadn't left each other's side since the encounter with Jhin. We'd returned to the restaurant we'd been using, and as you can probably tell, Karma wasn't too pleased with the sight of Khada Jhin in tow. I'd gotten a loose tunic and pants to replace my shredded armor, and Syndra had repaired her clothing once she was strong enough.

"Of course, Zed." Karma winced in his direction. "My apologies. I'm just..." She let out a strangled, frustrated groan, then turned to look at me. "What were you _thinking?!_ "

I rolled my eyes, exasperated, one hand on the butt of my axe, the blade placed on the floor. "I didn't exactly have another option. It was either 'make a deal' or 'everybody dies.' And I don't fancy missing another one of my granddaughter's birthdays just because I got myself killed by a homicidal mime."

"You had _Syndra_ with you!" Karma raised her arms in an "I can't deal with this" gesture. "The two of you should have been _more_ than capable of subduing him!"

I gasped with a mocking smile, cupping both my cheeks. " _Well,_ Miss Brilliant, Syndra and I had just beaten the _shit_ out of each other, so you'll have to excuse me if I wasn't really up for it."

"Helios, I am _not_ in the mood for your sarcasm at the moment." Karma seethed. "You're making this difficult."

"You should know by now that Helios can't take anything seriously, Lady Karma." Irelia scowled. "He's always prone to making reckless decisions without considering the safety of-"

 _ **BANG!**_

A bullet knocked off one of Irelia's hairpins, and she shrieked in reply, drawing her blade. Her hair was frazzled and stringy on one side, and her eyes were wide and bloodshot with fury. The bullet had come from (you guessed it) Jhin, who raised Whisper's smoking barrel from a chair near the back, legs propped up on the table.

"Could you be any _less_ infuriating?" Jhin said, massaging his masked temples. "Your role wasn't amusing the first time it was included a few acts ago, and at this point it's nothing but exhausting. I think I speak for everyone here when I say I'd enjoy it _dearly_ if you could _shut up._ "

Irelia made a motion to throw her blade, but a hand on her shoulder from Karma prevented her from doing anything more than that. "You know..." I chuckled. "I honestly never thought I'd say this, but Jhin...you the man."

"I'm a playwright, Helios. I know when to cut a few lines from the script." Jhin replied. "And along with that insufferable fish, she had _far_ too many."

"...How long have you been sitting there?" Ahri asked, scooching a little bit in her chair, to put a few more inches of distance between her and the Virtuoso.

"From the beginning." Lee informed. "I smelled him entering as our discussion began."

"And none of us noticed?" Yi mused. "Impressive."

Jhin shrugged. "I only take the spotlight when it's my cue to do so. My productions have to be absolutely precise, after all."

"...Right." Karma's eyes narrowed. "Speaking of which..."

She stepped forward to loom over him, the lights on the ceiling casting her face in shadow, and making her look surprisingly intimidating. Jhin appeared rather nonchalant, lazily swirling a glass of gin (the irony) in one hand.

"Yes?" Jhin glanced up at the Duchess. "I'm a little busy planning my next production, so if you have criticism to contribute I suggest you get it out of your system."

"I find it rather hard to believe that you would so easily accept Helios's offer, Jhin." Karma said. "What could possibly convince you to pass up a chance at Shen and Zed?"

"A bigger production, of course." Jhin replied. "Why settle for a Kinkou and an outcast when I can make an entire army my canvas? Bigger is better, as they say. I've been waiting to introduce my work to the world for _years,_ now..." He shuddered with excitement. "My genius will _finally_ be recognized."

"Is that all?" Karma raised an eyebrow, skeptical. She put both hands on the table, leaning forward to look Jhin right in the eyes. "I doubt that that's _all_ you would want from the exchange."

"Heavens, no." Jhin chuckled. "There _was_ still the matter of what would happen to me _after_ my production."

" _Helios..._ " Karma looked over her shoulder to fix me with an accusing glare.

I coughed awkwardly. "I also promised him a five-day headstart once we won the war. Provided that he didn't murder anyone during that period of time."

Karma blinked. "That's...strangely better than what I'd been expecting." She sighed, then turned her head back to Jhin.

"You're a madman and a murderer, Khada Jhin." She said. "Don't mistake my cooperation for trust."

"Good. That means you're smarter than I previously thought." Jhin replied. "Alliances based on trust often crumble. There isn't any... _incentive_ to uphold the terms of the agreement. Now, alliances based on mutual benefit..." Jhin gave the impression that he was smiling at Karma under the mask. " _That,_ my dear, is a lasting relationship."

She held his gaze for a few moments more, then relented. "Very well. I will agree to your terms. As of this moment, you are under protection from Ionian law...for now."

"Lady Karma, _please!_ " Irelia pleaded. "I ask you to reconsider what you're doing! This won't end the way you believe it will."

"Irelia, I appreciate your concern, but loathe as I am to admit it, his unique skillset will be useful to us, and there's too much at stake to risk losing a key advantage." She replied. "But this is only temporary. You won't have to endure this for long."

Shen nodded his agreement, the Blind Monk and Wuju Bladesman following suit. Ahri and Wukong agreed shortly after, mostly because it was out of their hands. Zed was more reluctant, but some encouragement from Syndra led him to cave in. Raka was waiting outside. I'd have to get her to agree personally.

And finally, there was Irelia, salty as ever. "This is a mistake." She said one last time. "But I stand with Ionia. And if Ionia decrees that it will aid Demacia in it's defense, ad allow Khada Jhin to participate, then so shall I."

"...I guess that's it, then." I said, after awkward silence permeated through the restaurant for a few minutes. "I was expecting a more dramatic conclusion, but what the hell, I'll still take it."

"Now, if you'll excuse me..." I sat up, stretching my legs and arching my back. "I believe I have to convince my girlfriend to let this one slide." I walked out the door, the bell attached to the top ringing with a few simple notes as I exited the building.

I found Raka sitting on a rock by the lake, staff laid across her lap. The wind caused her braid to gently sway back and forth, while the edges of her dress lightly flapped and fluttered. She gave no indication that she'd heard me coming, but I knew she had. She was just upset with me, was all.

Which, from my perspective, was _not_ something I could live with.

"You know, you really should've just stayed with everyone else." I said, stepping up beside her with my hands in my pockets. "Jhin shot off one of Irelia's hairpins. It was pretty funny. He even made stage puns...sorta."

 _Okay, strike one._ I thought to myself, when she didn't reply.

"Mind if I sit?" I gestured to a smaller rock that was fairly close. Raka nodded, staring across the water. I leaned back and let my weight carry me down onto the rock, sitting on it with a soft _oof._ I took a deep breath, then let it out, listening to the birds chirping as I watched the mist coalesce and roll across the water.

"Well, now that everything's taken care of here, I'll probably be heading to Bilgewater shortly." I said.

Raka hummed in response.

 _Strike two._ I thought.

"I'm gonna miss you." I continued. "You know that, right?"

Another hum.

Oh, _come on!_

I grimaced. _Better get this over with, then._ "I know you're mad at me for letting Jhin get off easy." I ran a hand through my hair, feeling a few embers lick at my scalp as my exasperation and irritation mixed together in my mind. "Believe me, it wasn't an easy decision to make. And yeah, it was kind of my fault. If I hadn't gotten so trigger-happy and jumped at the chance to fight Syndra, then I would've been strong enough to deal with Jhin before any of us got hurt."

"Helios-" Raka sighed. "It wasn't your fault. I don't know if I could've made a different decision in your place."

"Then why are you upset with me?" I asked.

"I'm _not._ " She insisted. "I'm just mad with- ... _everything._ " She gestured around her. "Why did we have to be put in this position? Why do we have to make deals with murderers and monsters just to win battles? Why can't we just...do the right thing, without having to make compromises we'll regret?"

"That's life for you." I replied with a grunt. "It doesn't hand the best options to you on a silver platter. Sometimes we have to make the wrong choices first, and just hope that later they turn out to be the right ones in the long run."

"But...why?" Raka asked again. "Why is bloodshed so _common_ on Runeterra? It seems that no matter what I do, no matter how many I heal, the same mistakes are made over and over."

"Humans are funny like that." I let out an amused huff. "They're oddly complex; more so than most species in the universe. But I guess that's what makes them so interesting. You never know what they'll do next."

"Eminita does. Not that she'll tell anyone." Raka grumbled, sliding over to my rock, resting her head on my shoulder with an irritated frown.

I laughed gently, putting an arm around her waist. "Well, I can't control _everything_ my employees do when they're working."

"I can't decide if that's a good thing or not." She replied. We sat there in silence for a while, basking in the light of the stars above. Selene might've been present, but she was only in crescent form at the moment. The stars were taking the stage _this_ time. And there was nothing wrong with that.

"Are you going to be okay?" I asked. "When we have to fight against Noxus for Demacia, I mean."

She nodded. "If you're there, yes. I will manage." She smiled up at me. "I don't think I would be if I didn't have any motivation."

"Really?" I asked, with a knowing grin. "And what might this 'motivation' entail?"

"Oh, just stop." Raka lightly swatted at my chest. "You're always so immature when you think." She then lowered my lips to hers in a kiss, which I definitely appreciated. "Don't ever change, _mieli._ " She whispered.

Whoa. _That_ was new. "Oh, so that's how it's going to be, _miella?_ " I grinned. "I think I could get used to that."

"I'll have to do it more, then." She replied with a smile.

"Something to look forward to when I'm done with Bilgewater, then." I said, standing up and stretching with a yawn. "It's getting pretty late. I'll have to leave tomorrow, so we might as well get some sleep."

Raka leaned back on her hands. "I don't know...in spite of what happened earlier, I feel strangely alert. I wouldn't need to sleep for at _least_ a few hours more."

"Well..." I ran a hand through my hair, completely missing the hint. "I guess it wouldn't be the end of the world if I stayed up until you're ready."

Raka groaned. "You're so immature most of the time, and yet when I drop a hint it goes completely over your head."

"Hint?" I frowned, confused. "What hint?"

"Helios, we _could_ wait until I'm ready to get some sleep..." She stood up to join me, then stood on the tips of her hooves to kiss me again. She slowly slid her hands up my waist, sneaking them under my shirt and running them across my stomach.

" _Or..._ " She purred. "You could wear me out first, and we'd _both_ go to sleep a few hours _earlier._ "

A lightbulb went off in my head as I got the message.

"Ah." I replied, poker-faced. "Well then."

I immediately scooped her up in my arms, swiveling on one heel to march towards the room that we shared in the inn. She laughed and shushed me as she bounced lightly in my grasp, trying to get me to be quiet. Ahri was quite the gossip, after all. But I didn't care. She was the _last_ thing on my mind at the moment. I was focused solely on getting to the inn, so that we could continue our _discussion_ elsewhere.

* * *

"You'd better stay safe." Raka said the next day, as we all stood by the lake. "I won't be there to heal you if you get yourself into trouble. _Again."_

"What, _me?_ " I grinned. "I wouldn't dream of it."

"It was fun having you over, Helios." Ahri smirked. "Even if you _did_ almost get us killed. Several times."

"I feel like that's gonna come back to bite me later, knowing you." I chuckled, embracing her in a hug. "We'll have to plan some mischief once this whole fiasco blows over."

"Looking forward to it." She beamed.

"Stay safe, my friend." Lee bowed. "I wish you luck on your journey."

"Luck?" I said. "I don't _need_ luck." I waited for a few seconds. "Nah, just kidding, I'll need all the luck I can get. I appreciate it, Lee. Thanks."

"We'll be making our way to Demacia shortly, once you leave us." Karma informed. "We haven't a moment to waste, and Ionia has spent far too long staying on the outskirts of global conflict."

"Sounds good." I agreed. "I'll see you there."

"And Jhin..." I focused on the marksman, who was leaning on his cane near the back of the group. "Don't make me regret this. It won't end well if you do."

"I can assure you, Helios, that you have my word." Jhin replied. "So long as I'm given my production, of course."

I narrowed my eyes, but left it at that. Fixing my sights on my girlfriend, I decided to give a proper goodbye. I strode up to her and swept her up in my embrace, kissing her. She groaned into it, wrapping her arms around my neck and arching her back into it. I heard the click of a camera going off as Ahri took a picture with her phone, but I didn't mind. Nothing could ruin the moment we were having.

I slowly pulled away, and as I looked into her eyes I knew that I'd never love another woman the same way I loved Raka. She was my everything. My Starchild. And no one could ever replace her.

"Bye." I whispered.

And with that, I zipped away, running at light-speed in the direction of Bilgewater.

What? Expecting something longer? I just had to say "bye." Doesn't take all that long, you know.

* * *

I had _incredibly_ mixed feelings about looking for potential recruits in Bilgewater.

On one hand, it _probably_ wasn't the best idea. Bilgewater is absolutely _flooded_ with all manner of cutthroats and pirates (pardon the water pun), and you're more likely to end up dead before you can so much as strike up a conversation. Rum is the national brew, and violence the common tongue. If you can even last a single _night_ in Bilgewater, you're a force to be reckoned with. Unless, of course, you enter your _second_ night in Bilgewater. That's when the pirates and cutthroats start taking you seriously. Then you're dead.

However, there _are_ a few ways you can survive.

One, you kill them first. Then people are less likely to mess with you.

Two, you enter the cult of Nagakabouros. Nobody messes with Illaoi's peeps. That's a good way to get your brains squeezed out through your ears. And she's done it before, too. Nasty details, so I won't delve into them. Really, it was messy.

Three, you become a pirate captain. But good luck with that. Only the best of the best- er...worst of the worst are good enough to pull that off, and even then you're always on your toes. If you don't keep your crew in line, they'll stab you in the back within seconds. They're a rowdy bunch, pirates. Not really worth the trouble.

And sure, Bilgewater had a "navy," but that didn't really mean they were trustworthy. The navy's just as corrupt; the only difference is that they claim to be official.

To be honest, if there weren't people I knew that I could trust in Bilgewater, I wouldn't have even bothered trying. As much fun as pirates are, they're anything _but_ reliable. I didn't fancy getting stabbed in the back when I was busy fighting a war.

 _But,_ I happened to have a few friends who could be persuaded to help me...for a price. I'd have to find them first, but with their habits and personalities, it wouldn't be hard. They were either going for gold or drinks. Just had to figure out which one they were in the mood for.

The way to Bilgewater from Ionia was straight over the Guardian's Sea, so once again I found myself being fawned over by fish. Whales and dolphins are really fond of breaching in ecstasy when I'm around. And strangely, manta rays too. There was even a kraken (oh yes, those things are real, and they're _cool_ ) that poked it's head out of the water and waved at me with its tentacles. The only reason I could see it was because I was going slower than usual. The Guardian's Sea really _is_ worth seeing. Book a summer trip, if you're up for it.

As Bilgewater came into view over the horizon, I couldn't help but marvel at the scale of it all. Despite being a haven for scoundrels, thieves and murderers, it's got a lot going for it. It's a miracle in itself that it even managed to grow to the size that it did, not to mention become a somewhat functional city-state. Bilgewater's largely built on the mountains of the island it's located on, and you can get to any part of the city just by taking a boat. The whole thing's threaded with a maze of waterways and inlets; you could get lost very easily if you didn't know your way around.

Bilgewater's also cool in the fact that it isn't linear; the terrain isn't on one level. Bilgewater is both above and below sea-level, connected by bridges made from the woodwork of old ships. It's also got plenty of waterfalls within the city, and most of the buildings are actually made from ships themselves. (AN: Go to 'Visions of Bilgewater' on the LoL Universe website to see what I'm talking about; it's awesome) Everything looks pretty old and rickety, but it's actually decently crafted and constructed. Especially when it comes to ships. If you're going to be a sea captain, and you have enough money to buy the best ship the world has ever seen, Bilgewater's the place to get it built.

I spotted a ship heading into the harbor, and decided that since a guy waltzing in at supersonic speeds (roughly, by what Ellis says) would raise too many red flags, I figured that stowing away for a bit wouldn't be such a bad idea.

I ran up to the stern, launching myself off the water's surface to grab the rudder (the part that was still sticking out of the ocean, anyways). Taking care not to alert the sailors on board, I scaled the wooden surface, jumping up at one point to avoid the windows above me. I quietly snuck across the deck, keeping myself hidden, then climbed up the main mast and perched myself below the crows nest, where a sailor whistled a tune and kept watch above me.

It briefly occurred to me that I'd have to find a proper change of clothes once the ship docked, but I could probably scrounge up a few things just by looking. There's plenty of spare items to be found in Bilgewater. Not everyone's willing to latch onto whatever possessions they have. I decided that finding clothing would be the first thing to do once I was inside the city. That, and come up with ways to pirate fanboy over everything. I'd have to practice my Pirate Voice.

The Butcher's Bridge was the gateway to the harbor. It's a pretty accurate name, too; it's the most well-defended structure in the whole city-state. Lots of people have tried to fight their way in if they're the unsavory type (even by Bilgewater's standards, which is disturbing), but it usually ends up with them getting ground into paste. The sailors took care of their business with the guards, and just like that, I was in Pirate Land.

I must've missed the "Land Ho!" when I boarded the ship, which was disappointing. But the docks certainly looked promising. More promising than the Slaughter Docks, anyways. That place is just _nasty._ The place was abuzz with activity, captains and their crews unloading their treasures from around the world. Here in Bilgewater was where fortunes were made. And lost, too. Gambling's a risky game.

As soon as the gangplank was lowered (*snicker*), I ran off into the slums, before the sailors could so much as scratch their heads in regards to how I'd gotten there. I ducked in a narrow alley, and seeing that it was laden with all sorts of little goodies, I began rummaging around, looking for anything that was both reasonably clean _and_ fashionable. It was horrendously difficult, to be honest.

I found a plain white tunic stuffed in a bucket, along with a pair of brown trousers and a roughed-up pair of boots. Decent enough. I'd look inconspicuous to the point where I wouldn't attract to much attention, and that was good enough for me.

But then...

"Oh, **_hello!_** " I gasped in ecstasy, my eyes lighting up (especially the one that was actually on fire). There, laid out near the back of the alley, was a perfectly good captain's coat. You know, the kind with big sleeves, cool belt buckles, and goes down to your heels? Yeah, _those_ bad boys.

"Who the hell just _leaves_ stuff like this lying around?" I hastily put it on, admiring the way it fit me. "This is _awesome!_ Now I can pretend to be Jack Sparrow!"

There was just the small matter of how I was going to carry my axe. Swords and cutlasses weren't an issue, but axes? Bilgewater doesn't have _anything_ for that. I'd just have to improvise. I managed to find some old leather wrappings, and with a few carefully placed knots, I was able to create a makeshift scabbard for my axe that rested on my back. Gotta show off the merchandise, you know?

"Aaaaaaaaaand done!" I dusted off my newfound threads, which hopefully weren't contaminated. "Now I'm in business!"

I then looked around.

And realized I had absolutely no idea where I was.

"Well...crud." I sweatdropped. "I got this far and now I'm caught in a rut."

"I...guess I'll just have to walk around until I find somebody, then." I concluded, and with that, I turned around and set off into Bilgewater.

It was going to be interesting, to say the least.

* * *

"Looks like you wandered into a bad section of town, lad." The would-be mugger raised a flintlock, and pushed it into my forehead. "That's a nice weapon 'ya got there. Hand it over and I might let 'ya l-"

My fist rammed into his gut, and he bent over with a gasp. A knee to the face finished him off, and I continued on my way.

"Geez, the people in this town are _nuts._ " I rolled my eyes, exasperated. I'd been held at gunpoint at _least_ five times in the few hours that I'd been here, and I was _still_ no closer to finding a familiar face. Bilgewater really was a maze. At this rate I'd die before I even found a single person. Neat. Maybe I'd die of scurvy. Apparently you could still get scurvy in Bilgewater.

"Come _on,_ I don't have all day!" I scowled to myself. "How can they be so hard to find?"

I _really_ needed something to help me cool off at that point, and since Bilgewater was famous for its rum, I decided that a bar and a drink sounded like a pretty decent idea. I found a ferryman patiently waiting near one of the waterways, and using a few pieces of coin I'd nicked from my muggers (I'm not exactly above a little petty theft if the thieves were about to steal from me _first_ ), I asked him to take me to the nearest place to get a drink.

I was somewhat disappointed when we arrived.

Now, I knew that Bilgewater was especially talented at making stuff out of old boats, and usually they preferred function over form, but even so, this place didn't look particularly convincing. It was wedged into a random corner of the city, and even by Bilgewater's standards it was shoddy. The planks constructing it were crusted with barnacles and muck, and a lantern hanging above the window dimly lit the area, creaking as it swayed in the breeze. There was a name painted on the door, but it'd been dried and cracked to the point where only a few letters were legible.

"Is this really it?" I asked the ferryman, who lingered in his little canoe beneath the platform I stood on, bobbing up and down with the waves.

He shrugged. "You asked for the nearest place, not a nice place."

I sighed. "Fair enough." I waved goodbye, then opened the door (which was nearly off its hinges) and went inside.

It was just as bad.

All manner of lowlife and thugs lounged around in the chairs and booths, taking swigs from stained mugs as they all laughed and repeatedly slammed their fists on the table. Rats were munching away at something rotten in the corner. A grungy-looking bartender took care of everyone's drinks.

I grimaced.

Then I broke out into a grin.

 _AWESOME!_ A _real_ pirate bar!

Everyone's gaze turned to me as they noticed me standing in the doorway. As per the usual Pirate Code of Badassery, I held their gaze and narrowed my eyes, trying to look intimidating. " _What?_ " I growled. "Never seen a guy stop by for a _drink_ before?"

They resumed their private business, albeit in hushed whispers. I walked up to the bartender, and placed a few coins on the counter.

"Rum." I said. "And from a _clean_ mug, preferably. I'm not drinking out of a pisspot." Hopefully, that would be enough Pirate Slang to convince him.

It was. He nodded, filling up a mug that was only _slightly_ stained, sliding it to me from where he stood. I nodded in gratitude, and seeing that there were no unoccupied seats, I decided to sit at a table only occupied by one, whose face was covered by a hood.

"I'm just gonna sit here, if that's alright with you." I slid into the booth across from him. He gave no reply, so I assumed he didn't mind. I sniffed at my rum, and once I was satisfied it wasn't contaminated I took a sip. "Good stuff." I noted, examining the drink. "Want some?"

He didn't reply, remaining motionless. I decided that was more than a little creepy, and went back to sipping my rum. The people in this town really _were_ nuts.

And, of course, per usual Creepy Person Standards, he decided to speak up when I was just finishing, and wasn't expecting it.

"You look lost, _paylangi._ " He rasped, in a surprisingly deep voice. He looked up, and I noticed that his eyes were a bizarre shade of lime-green, and were almost _glowing._ This, coupled by the fact that he had really weird tattoos and called me _paylangi_ (the term used to refer to mainlanders in Bilgewater, as the religion of Nagakabouros actually originates from islands a few miles off the coast), led me to conclude that he was one of Illaoi's boys. Neat. "Perhaps Nagakabouros could help put you in motion." Naga's also the goddess of motion, along with the ocean and storms. I'll explain the ins and outs later.

"Ah, so you're one of Naga's, huh?" I asked. "Yeah, I guess I could use a little help. I'm looking for a few friends, but I've never really been to Bilgewater before, and I have no idea where they'd be."

His nose wrinkled a little at the nickname I'd given his god, but he let it slide. "Then you must journey to the Temple of Nagakabouros. I will show you the way."

He stood up abruptly, heading towards the door. He paused at the doorway. "Coming?" He asked.

"Right, right, sorry." I hastily moved to join him, following him out the door. "So...where do we go?"

"We follow the waterways." He pointed down the canal. "All paths lead to the Temple."

"Cool." I looked around, skimming over the various boats and canoes. "Which boat are we taking?"

He laughed humorlessly. "Nagakabouros wishes you to follow your heart's desires, but only _you_ can do so. I will remain here. Find your way to the temple on your own."

I deadpanned.

"Oh, joy. Thanks." I muttered, as he stepped back inside. It hadn't even been _two minutes_ and he was already ditching me. Not very helpful, was he?

"Righty-ho." I placed my hands on my hips. "I guess I'll just...'borrow' a boat...then."

Of course, if I was going to the Temple of Nagakabouros, that meant I'd have to deal with Illaoi, the figurehead of the Dark Side of the Internet along with Vel'Koz.

Yay. Tentacles.

* * *

 _ **As you can probably tell, this was a bit more of a lax chapter than usual. The transition chapters so far have all been that way, from what I can see. We'll get into the good stuff next week, I promise. Pirates of the Caribbean references, horribly-attempted pirate slang, and above all, Helios doing Helios things. Helios is gonna meet up with Illaoi next chapter, along with Nagakabouros. Knowing our hero, he's going to feel the need to show the Kraken Priestess who's REALLY in charge (Nagakabouros supposedly pushes the sun across the sky, which Helios ain't happy about). Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	35. Barfights and Banana Roasts

_**What's up, everybody? So, as you can see, we're back, and this time we're getting into the good stuff! Now that we've properly transitioned to Bilgewater, the action can begin! But, ah, I'm afraid that Helios won't meet up with Illaoi this chapter. I just realized that I haven't gotten a proper grip on how to do her character yet. So, listen up: I NEED YOUR HELP WITH THIS. If there are any Illaoi fans out there who know how to put her personality down, then PLEASE HELP ME! I want to make a good interaction with her for this arc. I'm actually debating on making this arc a little shorter, just so we can get to the three-part battle against Noxus. I'll have to include a buttload of pirate references if I do. NOW, SHALL WE?!**_

* * *

I decided to name my dinghy the SS Banana Roast.

I have my reasons. Mock them if you want, but the name was _fabulous._ I even found some yellow paint to write the name on the side.

It was actually pretty big for a dinghy. It had sails, a small bed belowdecks (even if it looked a little cramped), and oars for when there wasn't any wind. There was even a steering wheel, looking like the tried-and-true cliché stereotype expected of it.

And, since it was absolutely mandatory for such an occasion, I whistled the Sailor Mickey theme to myself while spinning the wheel as I sailed down the canal, which didn't actually do anything. The canal water was flowing in one direction, so I actually just stood there while I messed around. But hey: who ever complained about an opportunity to mess around?

I was honestly a little nervous about meeting with Illaoi. The woman's intense, even by my standards. She can't help but be unnerving, from what I've tried to figure out. Her eyes just give off a vibe that freaks everyone out, and somehow she can make a great white shark wet itself just by looking at it. She also carries around a purse with tentacles in it. Thank gods she never used her phone, or else the Trial of Nagakabouros would've gotten really weird, really fast. For those of you who don't know what I mean, don't worry about it. Not important. In theory.

But, strangely enough, she hooked up with Gangplank for a while. I never really took the salty dog to be one for women, especially someone like Illaoi. But, it happened, and I was watching when it did. I have desperately tried to erase the images from my mind numerous times, but due to my memory it's proved to be impossible. Illaoi's muscles just made the whole thing weird, on so many levels.

But on the other hand, there is _one_ good thing about Illaoi:

She _THICC, BOI._

 _ **EXTRA** THICC._

...I watch way too much TV in my spare time.

(And Raka just smacked me in the back of the head for the reference. What, _miella?_ You know that you're the kind of _thicc_ that I prefer!

She's blushing now. Score.)

Anyways, once the canal finally ended, I found that I had entered the bay I needed to be in. The Temple of Nagakabouros is all the way at the top of the waterfall above it, but there were a few creaky wooden stairways that made it possible to climb up. The temple was surrounded by tall walls of interlocking stones, which happened to look like the fanged mouth of a leviathan when looked at from afar. If you don't know what a leviathan is, Google it. I'm busy narrating, I don't have time to give biology lessons.

Plus, Illaoi'd been meaning to invoke the Trial of Nagakabouros on me for a while. I wasn't entirely comfortable with having my soul sucked out. It was fairly new, too. However, despite all the things that made me uncomfortable about Illaoi, she loved food, she loved fighting, but most of all she loved _kicking ass._

Which made her awesome, as far as I was concerned. Maybe there was more than one good thing about her after all.

I found a little dock to anchor my dinghy in, and began climbing up the stairs leading to the temple. They creaked and shuddered under my weight, and I gulped in response. I hated these kinds of structures. Why couldn't people be bothered to build something adequate? It was either that or Illaoi just wanted to see if anyone was feeling brave enough to try. Applause...kinda.

I yelped as I was around halfway up, when a board suddenly collapsed under me, taking my leg with it. I felt down until my leg was all the way through the hole, my arms grabbing along the sides of the staircase for support. I had a fine jumble of curses to offer in response to _that_ particular predicament, I can tell you. Illaoi had a habit of taking this _trial_ thing a _tad_ too far. I was going to chew her out once I established her as my unpaid intern. And _oh yes,_ she was _not_ going to get a paycheck like the others did! (I actually started paying Leona, Pantheon, etc. fees for their service once I affiliated myself with Demacia. I got super rich afterwards, so I was good for it)

"I swear, if that happens _one more time..._ " I muttered to myself as I managed to get a firm grip on the railing, hoisting myself up.

And promptly falling down again, this time getting all my limbs stuck through the stairs.

 _"Screw this."_ I growled, banging my head down on the wood. It splintered and crumbled from the impact, throwing me into freefall. I yanked my axe off of my back, then thrust it into the cliff as I fell. It bit into the rock, slowing my descent until I came to a complete stop. Once I did, I grabbed onto the cliff with one hand, using the other to sheathe my axe. Then I began to climb, scaling the cliff at a far faster rate than climbing the stairs.

 _Damn acolytes with their damn outdated architecture..._ I thought to myself. Which was funny, because I could barely _hear_ myself think over the roar of the waterfall.

I threw an arm over the edge of the cliff upon reaching the top, and heaved myself over, grunting with effort. When I looked up, I found _another_ acolyte wacko staring down at me, a few inches away from where I was perched. He was a serpent caller, if I recalled correctly; acolytes that specialized in calling down the power of Nagakabouros to defeat their enemies. He was wearing a vestment made of ropes, varying in thickness and width. Faded kraken ink, coupled with the altered sizes, gave the impression that he was wearing tentacles on his chest. His face was covered in disturbing black tattoos that depicted a leviathan's maw. What is it with these people and tattoos? Maybe they should get Draven over; his tattoos were weird enough, he'd fit right in.

"Hello." I said. "I hope you don't mind if I climb up."

"You did not take the stairs." The old man rasped. "Why?"

"Oh, gee, maybe it's because they broke with every step I took?" I deadpanned. "Besides, I don't mind a good climb. Keeps the blood flowing."

He grunted. "Nagakabouros shows intrigue to men of your nature. The Truth Bearer will wish to test you."

"I already know my heart's desire." I rose to stand upright, towering over him. "I don't need the criticism of one of my employees. But yes, I'm here to see Illaoi anyway. Where is she?" If he was confused by my statement, he didn't show it. I can't say I was very surprised at his lack of response. Acolytes tend to be creepy like that. It's part of the reason why I always tried to prevent the Solari from turning into a cult. Yikes.

"She is not here." He informed. "The Truth Bearer is tending to her duties in Buhru. She will not return for some time."

I swore. "Come _on, really?_ " I groaned up at the sky. Of course. Ooooof course. Ofcourseofcourseofcourse. Why just make it easy on me, ah? Things could be sooooooo difficult instead, and everyone else would have a good time watching. Why not? Doesn't matter what I have to say on the issue, does it?

"Do you at least know when she'll be back?" I pinched the bridge of my nose with a sigh.

"She will return when her business is concluded." The serpent caller replied.

"That isn't-" I huffed. "That isn't exactly helpful."

"Why do you require the presence of the Truth Bearer?" He asked. "Have you come to seek the truth of Nagakabouros?" Oh, boy. Here we go again with this "truth" nonsense. Illaoi's religion treated Naga like she was the _only_ viable god in Runeterra. Any others were "false" gods, which didn't really make sense. Unfortunately for most, followers of Naga were rather stubborn, and didn't take no for an answer.

"Something like that." I confirmed. I'd have to play along if I was gonna get what I wanted.

"Then come." He gestured to the temple's entrance. "Nagakabouros will _show_ you the truth."

"She'll just...show me? Just like that?" I tried to sound skeptical.

"No, child ." He snorted. "Not _just like that._ We must first perform the ritual."

Yay, rituals. As if that wasn't totally expected.

Believe me, standing in a circle while the acolytes muttered their mumbo-jumbo and beat their chests like gorillas wasn't exactly entertaining. Sure, some people might think that these kinds of things are cool, but as landlord of the gods I _really_ didn't see what all the fuss was about. Why would you even _need_ crazy dances to appease a god? Wouldn't a bucket of fried chicken and some Coke suffice? Personally, I'd enjoy that _way_ more. But sadly, I was just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it. Oh, the divinity of it all!

And so, as the brainless minions did their thing, chanting "Nagakabouros-buhru-uluk, Nagakabouros-buhru-uluk, badda bunga boo badda gee ga yee, badda bunga boo badda gee ga yee (I'm kidding on the last part)," I waited in the center of the glowing blue circle they'd drawn, near an idol of Naga in the center of the temple.

" _Step forth, wanderer._ " The serpent caller said, in a not-scary-at-all Magic Voice. _Yawn._ " _State your heart's desire._ "

I rolled my eyes. If I didn't have to humor them, I'd have left a while ago. "Uh...hi?" I waved awkwardly. "Nagakabouros? Listen, I need to talk to you. It's really urgent, and so far you're the only one who can help me. Could you lend me a hand- er...tentacle here?"

The acolytes immediately stopped chanting, the circle disappearing from view. "Foolish child!" One acolyte said. "Nagakabouros knows you seek to speak with her! You must state your heart's desire for your _life!_ A mere petty want will get you nowhere."

"Petty want?" I raised an eyebrow. "Is it not acceptable here for someone to speak to one of their employees?"

"You place yourself above Nagakabouros?" The serpent caller rasped incredulously. "Are you touched in the head? You place yourself above a _god?_ " Well, I _was_ said god's boss, so...yeah, why not?

"Enough!" The Hierophant (some higher-up within the religion, not important) snapped. "If you will not accept the truth of Nagakabouros, then you are unworthy of our god's company." He pointed to the door. "Leave!"

"No thank you." I replied with a frown. "I think I'm going to sit here and wait, thank you very much."

"Wait for _what,_ exactly?" He asked. "Nagakabouros will not answer your call; you are _not_ in motion." That was their slogan for weaklings, right there. They said that to just about everyone they didn't like.

Then, a deep rumbling shook the room, bits of stone falling down from the ceiling. The floor cracked, and jagged lines appeared on the ground, zigzagging towards the idol. It began to glow an ocean blue, eyes flaring with energy. Oh, _yeah!_ Who's the smart one _now,_ huh?

Tentacles made of sapphire light snaked their way around the idol, which began to levitate off the pedestal it sat upon, then began spinning rapidly in the air. There was a flash, followed by a loud _crack._

And well, dang. There she was.

The idol had morphed into the head of a monstrous kraken, its head covered with barnacles and hardened skin, almost like armor. Huge bristled hairs stuck up underneath its massive mouth, giving the appearance of a beard. A _lethal_ beard. With bits of fish and seaweed stuck in between. Ew. The mouth itself was filled with teeth the size of my whole body, an awful stench emanating from within the throat. The eyes were pure blue, staring at me intently. But then there were the tentacles themselves. Dear _gods,_ they were enormous. It was a miracle they even fit inside the temple, which was pretty big to begin with. Each one was thick and muscular, huge suckers on the bottoms of each one, serrated with teeth (she don't play with her food). At the tip of each tentacle was a massive barb, almost like a giant spear.

" _The Mother Serpent graces us with her presence!_ " Every acolyte immediately assumed a cowering position, bowing down on the floor with their heads between their arms.

The tentacles slowly slid closer to me, waving and swaying almost hypnotically. They got closer and closer, until they were almost caressing my face.

And, just as it looked like things were about to get ugly (with me looking like I was about to be strangled by an angry kraken), I spoke.

"Yo Naga, _wassuuuuuuup?_ " I grinned, spreading my arms invitingly. "You look well."

The kraken bowed her head respectfully. She didn't really _talk_ all that much. She didn't really _need to,_ either.

"Come on, gimme some tas- _SEL,_ girl!" I raised a hand to a tentacle, and we began our super-secret handshake that only the two of us knew. It was also incredibly difficult, since Naga had tentacles instead of hands. It was full of all the typical maneuvers, plus a few that we'd made up ourselves. I won't tell you what it looks like, because Naga has expressed her wish that it remain private. And who am I to argue?

"Man, you have no _idea_ how glad I am to see you!" I said. "I've been trying to find my other pals for _hours,_ and I've had absolutely no luck! Care to lend your boss a hand?"

Nagakabouros nodded. A tentacle found its way to my forehead, and the bladed tip ever-so-delicately poked the skin over my skull. A few fleeting images flashed through my mind, all of them of Graves and Tobias. The two of them were in a bar not too far from where I was, drinking and gambling their sorrows away, as per frickin' usual. Naturally cowboys would want to drink and gamble. And _oh yes,_ they won't be escaping my stereotypical shenanigans. We were gonna have a rootin' tootin' fun time making fun of their accents!

"Thanks." I smiled. "That's really all I needed. I'll let you get back to business."

Naga hummed, which sounded like a whale on steroids. There was a flash of light and a _pop,_ and then she was gone.

What? Expecting something more dramatic? Naga's a bit more focused on getting her job done than most other deities. She doesn't really have time to come up with elaborate entrances and exits like I do.

I turned around to see the acolytes open-mouthed and wide-eyed, trying to figure out what had just happened in the few minutes that it did. I guess it wasn't every day that their mascot showed up for a few minutes to chat with some random guy.

"Right. So, here's the thing..." I pointed down at the ground. "Kneel before Zod."

I was in one of my moods, sue me.

* * *

They didn't actually kneel, if that's what you were wondering.

They, ah...they didn't react at all.

I think I broke their brains.

So, y'know...I kinda just left them there. I didn't want to deal with Illaoi when she got back to find that she was the only functional member left of her cult. That would _not_ have turned out well for me. I just figured that the most I could do was continue on my way and recruit Graves and Tobias. That sounded better than having my head crushed like a soda can.

The bar itself was in better shape than the first one I'd been to. At least, when I docked, it didn't have as much grime and gull crap on it. The name was actually visible too, although _The Salty Dog_ sounded strangely familiar. And cliché. But hey, it's a pirate town, and pirates don't think too much.

Peering through the window, I could see Graves and Tobias with drinks in a corner booth, laughing their asses off while playing cards with the local mooks and flirting with the local chicks. And you'd better believe that Bilgewater has the best women around (except for my offspring and girlfriend, of course). I don't know _what_ it is about the place, but they just appear to pop up out of nowhere. They can hold their liquor, too. They'd get along with Freljordian chicks just fine.

I moved to push open the door, but I realized that it was too drab of an entrance to execute. I needed something crazy. Something dramatic. Something _stupid._

And I knew just the way to do it.

" _EVERYBODY FREEZE!_ " I kicked open the door, making finger guns and pointing them randomly around the room. It was unexpected to the point where everyone actually raised their hands over their heads, except for Graves and Tobias, who looked stunned, but ultimately decided to cringe.

"See, now this right here's a stickup, y'all!" I put on the worst, most cringeworthy accent I could muster. I could practically see the goosebumps crawling up the Outlaw's spine. Tobias had an accent himself, but it wasn't as evident as his partner's, so he proceeded to regard Graves with a shit-eating grin.

"Y'all are under arrest!" I said. "By the Fun Police, for gettin' drunk outta y'all's minds and actin' like a bunch of salty hillbillies!"

People slowly began to understand that I was putting on a show, and drew flintlocks in response, pointing them at me.

"Well, blow me down, I've been mutinied!" I switched to a pirate accent. "I was only having a laugh, lads! No need to feed me to the sharks!"

They weren't laughing.

Graves sighed, then fired a round into the ceiling with his shotgun. The bar's occupants jumped. "Settle down, now." Graves said, readjusting his cigar in his mouth. "He's with us. Just drunk outta his mind, 's all."

Graves is a wanted man, but he's got a big enough reputation that Bilgewater's lowlifes (read: everybody) respected him to some degree. Or rather, the ridiculously large barrels of his gun. If you've seen what just one shot can do to somebody's head, you would understand. We're talking Hateful Eight levels of Ew.

"Well, howdy 'pardner." I drawled, sliding into a booth across from him. "Mighty fine day, wouldn't y'all say?"

"Goddammit, Helios, I ain't in the mood for 'yer yappin' right now, so shut it." Graves replied with a sneer. "If 'yer here to talk, talk. Or get 'yerself a drink and play some cards. Fate's been itchin' for a good game for a while."

"Says who?" Tobias snorted. "I'm pretty satisfied with my winning streak. Keeps money in my pocket, and I've never lost a game."

"Never played a fair one eith-" The Card Master whipped a finger to his mouth, gesturing to the men seated around us at the table. Each one was looking at me curiously, expecting me to finish my sentence.

"Er, I mean...you've never played a losing game." I horribly made an attempt to recover. "You're the best, after all."

Tobias glared. The message was pretty clear: I was blowing it.

However, the idiots amongst us totally bought it. They shrugged and went back to their game, which mainly involved skimming their eyes over their cards and shifting restlessly. _Boooooorrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnng._

I thanked the waitress as she brought me a rum, although the wink sent in my direction (and she looked like the flirty type, if you know what I mean) made me uncomfortable. "So, got any good scores lately, boys?" I asked. "Or was that one time with Gangplank the best one so far?"

"Yeah, we got a few good ones." Graves grunted, taking another puff. "Nothin' too serious, though."

"Oh, and smoking is bad for you." I replied, somewhat randomly. I snatched his cigar out of his mouth, and crushed it in between my fingers. "I strongly advise against giving yourself lung cancer."

" _Again?_ " Graves's shoulders sagged, and his head drooped. "Gragas can have his beer, and Camille can have her attitude, but I can't have my damn cigar?"

"Afraid not." I said, taking a swig. "That's just how memes work."

"Why don't they have ones for 'yer hat?" He asked Tobias. "Or 'yer gamblin'? Why's it gotta be me that gets all the heat?"

"Maybe because I don't have an accent as stupid as yours." Tobias smirked. Graves didn't really have an answer for that.

"Now, down to business." Tobias leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table. "If you're here, and at our fair establishment (I snorted), then that means you want somethin.' Somethin' we can do business on."

"Observant as ever, I see." I replied. "Got any interest in a war with Noxus?"

"Hell naw!" Graves laughed. I silently cheered at the way his accent had warped his response. "We ain't suicidal! Stupid, sure, but anythin' _but_ suicidal."

"I'm not one for open fights." Tobias agreed. "I ain't interested either."

"I'll pay you a helluva lotta cash if you help me." I replied.

"We're in." They simultaneously said.

I rolled my eyes with a smile.

"Y'know, you should talk to Sivir sometime." I suggested. "She was kinda economically bipolar herself. I think she'd get along with you two pretty well."

"We'd been talkin' 'bout that a little, actually." Graves grinned. "She's got a talent for lootin', and we figured that she might be interested in our little enterprise. She ain't decided yet, but we figure we can be patient."

"Well, maybe I'll invest a little in your business, just to smooth things along." I winked. "So long as nobody innocent dies, I can turn a blind eye to a bit of mischief."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're doin' a terrible job of bein' responsible?" Tobias asked.

"Surprisingly, no." I frowned thoughtfully. "I guess people just forget the fact that I'm the sun really easily."

"And how fortunate that is for you." He concluded. I shrugged with a smirk, and we briefly clinked our mugs together in a toast, taking a swig after. "So, about the job offer..." Graves started. "What exactly would we need to do?"

"Exactly what you'd expect." I replied. "Kill Noxians, defend Demacia, win. You get paid extra if you look badass while doing it."

"That, we can do." Graves agreed, raising his mug in another toast, because they're really fun to do. "To the stupidest damn job we'll ever take, and gettin' rich doin' it!" And with that, we drained our mugs, wiping our mouths dry with a satisfied gasp. You know, the _ahh_ sound. For some reason, people do that every time.

"Hah." Tobias smirked, laying his cards down on the table. "Straight flush, boys. I win. Pay up."

"What-!" One guy looked down at the cards in disbelief. "There's no way you could've won! You must've cheated!"

"And what exactly were you doin' lookin' at another man's cards?" Tobias scowled. "That's against the rules of the game, if you didn't know. Sounds to me like you're just tryin' to get a cheap win." Of course, he actually _had_ cheated. I saw him exchange his cards under his coat sleeve with new ones that gave him an advantage; the only reason I'd seen it was because my light-speed could keep up with his fancy hand tricks.

The other guy looked like he wanted to protest further, but with all the disapproving glares being sent his way, he had to suck it up and take the wound to his pride. And no, I didn't feel particularly bad about letting Tobias get away with cheating. It wasn't like the people in the bar didn't deserve to have a little money swiped away from them every now and then. The honest, hard-working people are the minority in Bilgewater. Everyone else is either a pirate, bandit, or just plain scum. The money they lost was probably stolen from someone else, anyways. Yes, it's true, Graves and Tobias have robbed honest people too. But as far as outlaws go, they're pretty fair about it. They won't steal _everything_ you have; just enough to satisfy them. If you just comply and go along with it, you won't actually lose enough money to make a drastic difference on your life. The people who _are_ that unfortunate, however, typically have it coming. When they rescued that Noxian heir a while back, took the reward money _and_ the guy for ransom, nobody other than their employer really cared. He was a pain in the ass anyways. And when they broke into the Clockwork Vault in Piltover, they emptied it, sure, but it's where all the rich, stuck-up folks keep their cash.

If you're rich or stupid, it isn't going to end well. But if you're smart, you might actually like them. They aren't bad people; just don't like the rules much.

Hey, wait a second! It's been a while, and nothing dramatic's happened yet!

But don't worry, my sense of timing, coupled with the way the story's going, has you covered.

The door swung open, smacking against the doorway with a _bang_ as it was nearly thrown off its hinges. " ** _MALCOLM GRAVES! TWISTED FATE!_** "

"Oh, _gods._ " I groaned. "Who'd you two piss off _this_ time?"

I turned around to see a bunch of pirates standing in the doorway. At least, I _assumed_ they were pirates. To my disappointment, they didn't have any of the typical gear (eye-patches, bandannas, etc.). They were pretty well armed too, for a bunch of rats. Their weapons looked like they'd been well-maintained, but they'd been better taken care of then the men themselves. As far as I could tell, they didn't shower much. Loose coats, torn hats and faded boots kept most of their filth hidden, but Nidalee had taught me a lot of things in Kumungu. What things you could tell by scent alone, for example.

"Oh. _Them._ " Tobias smiled sheepishly. "They're what's left of the Wharf Kings. After Sarah offed most of 'em, anyways." The Wharf Kings were a faction of Gangplank's old crew, back when he was still the most terrifying pirate around (he actually keeps a pretty low profile outside the League; he wants it to be a surprise when he returns). Sarah's own crew had manipulated them against another faction, the Rat Town Dogs, and it hadn't ended well for either side.

"And?" I silently gestured for him to continue.

"We might'a...swiped their loot, after cheatin' 'em at cards." Graves finished.

I facepalmed. "You _just_ said that in front of everyone else."

And sure enough, our "companions" now had flintlocks raised. "So, I'm just tryin' to get a cheap win, am I?" The guy who'd spoken earlier said. "Sounds 'ta me like _you're_ the one lookin' for a cheap win. By cheatin' _us._ "

Great. We had the latest victims of the Dynamic Duo _and_ Gangplank's pirates after us. Because apparently things are never easy. Who exactly came up with the idea that hard stuff was cooler, and why are they running the show?

Graves sighed, pulling out another cigar and lighting it, taking a puff. "Boys, we could settle this like gentlemen, y'know."

Their aim didn't waver.

"Excellent." He grinned. "For a second I was worried I wouldn't get a good brawl in."

He looked at me. "Up for a round, Helios?"

"A bar fight, Graves?" I asked, replicating his grin. "You _spoil_ me!"

I then took my empty mug and swung it into the nearest guy's face, shattering the glass on his skin. He screamed as the shards embedded themselves into his flesh, drawing a hefty amount of blood. Graves fired a smoke canister from his shotgun under the table, creating a cloud of smog that shielded us from view. The assorted pirates and gamblers began firing wildly into the smoke, but by then we were already gone, due to Tobias's signature card.

In fact, we were behind the lot of them.

I cracked my knuckles.

I'd always wanted to do this.

"Over here, boys." I said.

I glanced toward my companions. "Shall we leave guns and cards outta this? The old-fashioned way sounds really fun."

"Why the _hell_ not?" Graves replied.

We lunged. All three of us tackled the opposition, and the scene quickly dissolved into sweet, sweet chaos. I elbowed one guy in the chin, then followed up with a punch to the gut. I flung him over the bar, and the bartender yelped as he went flying over his head. He knocked over several mugs on his way down, landing on the ground covered in spilt drinks and shattered glass. I ducked underneath the fists of another, then yanked his leg out from under him, and once he was down, finished him off with a kick to his head. Graves caught a guy charging straight at him, then used his momentum to smash him into a table. It split in half from his weight, and as he fell, Graves grabbed a Wharf King by the neck, and slammed his face into the booth, then the downed gambler.

Tobias himself was doing just as well. He'd always been slippery, and his cards didn't change that fact a bit. He ducked and weaved around his opponent's strikes, going for jabs to the ribs, waist and neck. He even used his hat as a distraction at one point, before introducing his attacker's face to his knee. Graves locked his arm around another Wharf King's neck, then hurled him over his shoulder and out through the window.

I noticed a gambler attempting to clock me out from behind, and in reply I swung a chair into his groin. Then, taking his face in both hands, I head-butted him as hard as I could, knocking him out cold.

Tobias slammed another gambler's face down on the bar, and dragged him across the wood, smashing assorted mugs into his face and flinging him off the edge.

Graves broke the rules of honorary combat and fired a round into a Wharf King's knee with his shotgun. As he cried out in pain, Graves swung the barrel into the wound, causing him to buckle, then rammed the stock into his forehead. I'd say I disapproved, but _damn_ it looked cool!

I grabbed two of their heads and slammed them together, then threw both of them into the remaining idiots, knocking them over like bowling pins.

" _DOOOOOOOOOOG PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLE!_ " I yelled, and the three of us jumped sumo-style, straight into the tangled mess of limbs and clothing.

We landed on them with a _whump,_ and without further ado, our fists started flying. I took the leg of a broken table and used it as a club, splinters scattering through the air as it connected with face after knee after ribs. Sounds strange, but basically it went in that order every single time I did it. Graves charged like a rhino, catching a gambler and ramming him into the wall, where his face was repeatedly acquainting itself with Graves's fist, until he slumped to the floor, unconscious. Tobias, on the other hand, decided that he preferred using his cards after all, and began teleporting all over the bar, using his cards like paper shuriken of death. I don't know where he gets them sharpened, but apart from Ryze, he's got the deadliest paper around. Or is it cardboard? Something in-between? Ah, whatever. Doesn't matter.

And in case you were wondering, the rest of the bar had gotten into a brawl too. They didn't even have a reason for beating the crap out of each other. They just wanted to. Bilgewater's funny like that.

"I call dibs on the last one!" I called out, as I punched a Wharf King in the crotch, then grabbed his arm and punched him in the face with his own fist. Why was he hitting himself, I wonder? Honestly, who _does_ that? It's hilarious, sure, but I've been told it hurts.

" _Damn it,_ Helios, that ain't fair!" Graves replied. "You didn't let me have my damn cigar the first time!"

"Shut it, Graves, you've already got another one!" I yelled, whipping my fist back to knock out another pirate, action movie style. "Besides, I'm the main character! I get _all_ the good stuff!"

"Hell naw!" Graves scowled. " _I'm_ takin' the last one." He smacked a gambler in the face with the barrel of his shotgun, then rammed his foot into his face once he was down. "You probably kicked alotta' ass on the way here!"

"Only a little!" I protested, as I knocked a gambler out with a mug. "It's kinda expected of me to do all the ass-kicking, you know! I'm in the spotlight, after all!"

I realized that we'd taken care of all but one of the brawlers, who was now available for a beatdown. Splashing rum into his face and pants (to make it look like he wet himself, thus humiliating him in front of the ladies for all eternity) and throwing him through the door (not _out_ the door, just wanted to clarify that) sounded like a good idea. Graves looked like he was having some pretty good fantasies of his own.

Unfortunately, Tobias had already taken care of him, flipping a card in-between his fingers as he admired his handiwork. Judging by the various cards sticking out of his rear end, Tobias had gone for the ass, which was a prime target, in my opinion. However, this intrusion upon my and Graves's competition to get to him first, swiping the opportunity out from under us, made him a-

"Cheater." Graves and I said, unamused. The bar fight was still going on, but everyone else was too busy foaming at the mouth and punching to give us any notice.

Tobias smirked. "Cheater's just a fancy word for _winner._ "

* * *

 _ **That's all :P**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	36. I Make Everybody Mad (Still Fabulous)

_**Alright, everybody, we're back with a new chapter! So, last time on TDHA, Helios caught up to Graves and Twisted Fate, and had a doozy of a bar fight in the process. And, surprisingly, I got a lot of help on what to do for Illaoi, so thank you so much to all who gave me tips! I really appreciate it! This chapter, stuff will happen, as well as some other stuff and more stuff. ...I'm kidding. This time, Helios and the ol' gang will be on a chase throughout Bilgewater, on the run from Gangplank's former crew after the bar fight leads to extra reinforcements. Could Helios undoubtedly smite them all and watch their bodies (and self-esteem) burn? Oh, hell yes. But, then again, this is Helios we're talking about. If the world's going to be at stake, he's going to have fun saving it. After that, they'll be on the lookout for Sarah Fortune next, and getting directions on where to find her. That's about it for this chapter, I think. NOW LET'S** _**_GOOOOOOOO!_ **

* * *

"Dammit guys, why do you always have to piss off the _worst_ people around?" I asked as we ran. "Why can't you ever play cards with _Ivern_ for once? Then you wouldn't have to get run out of _every_ place you visit!"

"Where's the fun in _that?_ " Graves grinned, jumping and twisting midair to fire a round from his shotgun. "Besides, 'yer one to talk, considerin' that you wanted to carry the _boat_ with 'ya! And Ivern don't even know how to _play_ cards!"

Graves wasn't lying. I was carrying the S.S. Banana Roast with both hands over my head, trying hard not to bump it against the various buildings we passed. It was harder than it sounds, due to the fact that it was actually huge for a dinghy.

Wait, wait, I should back up a little. Let's rewind for a second:

So, after the bar fight, and we'd kicked every ass available, we started planning our next move. Finding Sarah sounded like a good place to start. She wouldn't be hard to convince. She never minded a good gunfight, especially since her signature weapons, Shock and Awe, were so good at them. Besides, the paycheck was good, and Sarah's whole thing was killing baddies for money, so it was going to be a walk in the aquarium, as far as I was concerned. See what I did there?

 _Buuuuuuuuuut..._ naturally, things were never that easy. Turns out, the Wharf Kings had a _lot_ more members than any of us thought. Graves and Tobias aren't as good with numbers as most people. The only experience they have is with ammunition counts and card numbers.

So, after smashing our way through the windows, we took off, because none of us really wanted to deal with a bunch of angry pirates. I, however, refused to leave my dinghy behind, which led to a rather heated ten-second argument, before the two outlaws finally relented after I told them I'd carry it. I think they started to regret it after they discovered how much it was hampering our progress.

"Helios, just leave the damn boat behind!" Tobias yelled. "It's a _dinghy!_ It ain't worth shit!"

"Bullshit! A dinghy helped Jack Sparrow find the Fountain of Youth, so don't you tell me that they aren't worth shit, because they are _fabulous_ and _beautiful!_ " I argued, as we ran over a bridge and into the alleyways.

"That was a _movie,_ Helios!" Graves replied. "And why would you need a Fountain of Youth? 'Yer immortal, ain't ya?"

"Er...I think so." I frowned thoughtfully. "But, y'know, it never hurts to get smoother curves and skin. I enjoy watching Raka salivate over my abs."

"I'd ask 'fer the details, but I ain't got time at the moment." He muttered.

"Uh- oh, damn it." I huffed, as I realized that the boat wasn't going to fit through any of the tight spaces we were entering. Boats weren't really meant for alleys. Now, if alleys had lots of water and people dying of scurvy, that'd be another thing, but unfortunately citizens of Bilgewater have the small inkling of decency _not_ to flood their homes. Shame. I'd record that for The Universe's Funniest Home Videos, but what can you do?

"Guess we're leavin' the boat here, then." Tobias said.

"Like _hell_ we are." I growled. I took a few steps back, readjusting the boat over my head. "How much do houses cost in Bilgewater, Graves?"

"Technically, nothin'." The Outlaw replied. "Why d'ya-"

I charged forward with a yell. Instead of just bumping against the buildings blocking our path, I ran straight through them, leaving massive holes in the woodwork. I ran until there wasn't anything left to run through, and by the time I was done there was a clear path ahead.

"Well?!" I said. "Come on, let's get moving! We don't have all day!"

The two of them looked back to see that the pirates were still pursuing us, flintlocks pew-pewing and punching holes in the environment around us. They both sighed, then followed.

Then, things took a nasty turn. See, those houses I'd destroyed? People were _living_ in them. And they weren't too happy about losing their living spaces.

Graves yelped as a round from a rifle nearly found its mark, whizzing over his head. "The next time we tell 'ta to leave the dinghy, Helios, _YOU LEAVE THE DINGHY!_ "

" _ALRIGHT, I GET IT, I'M SORRY!_ " I replied, using the S.S. Banana Roast as a shield. I winced as I felt several bullets puncture the hull, which meant that my dinghy would have a hard time staying seaworthy. " _BUT DAMN IT, THIS BOAT TOOK A LONG TIME TO NAME, AND I AM NOT JUST GOING TO LEAVE SOMETHING BEHIND THAT TOOK THAT MUCH EFFORT!_ "

" _HEY! THAT'S MY BOAT!_ " Someone shouted. " _HE STOLE MY DINGHY!_ "

"For the love of-" I groaned. "Is _everyone_ in Bilgewater after us now?"

"I wonder whose fault _that_ is." Tobias deadpanned.

I sweatdropped. "...Fair point."

"Guys, I have an incredibly stupid idea that'll probably backfire but it'll still be really cool!" I said. "Here we go! In the boat you go!"

"Wait wait wait _WAIT_ -!" Graves protested, but by then I'd already thrown him in the boat, along with Tobias.

Then, I jumped.

Onto the rooftops.

This was most likely going to end horribly, but I was all _about_ stupid ideas, so I figured it was a pretty typical thing to do. Once I was on the rooftops (which were also _slanted_ ), I hopped in the boat myself, standing up on the planking and adopting a surfer's stance.

Because House Surfing, why not?

" _COWABUNGA, DUDES!_ " I yelled.

" _HELIOS, WHAT'RE YOU DOOOOIIIIIIIIIIII-_ " Graves never finished, due to the fact that by then we were already off. We careened off the house we were on, catching a good amount of air before smashing into the next house, skidding off and onto another. The shingles probably wouldn't hold up under our weight, but screw it, it was fun.

We were covering a surprising amount of distance. With each bounce off a building we covered a few hundred meters, before descending to ricochet off another. Inevitably, we ended up pissing off just about every homeowner in Bilgewater, and since it's Bilgewater, all of them had guns. And alcohol.

"Well, I did say it was a stupid idea." I noted as I glanced over the side, observing the mob chasing us below. "I'm just surprised that the boat's been holding up so well."

Graves and Tobias, at this point, had calmed down enough to just roll with it and figure out how to escape our hairy situation. "We could always abandon ship, y'know." Graves remarked. "It ain't like it's gonna hold up much longer."

"Eh, we'll just get off when it starts falling apart. Then we'll wait 'til the heat dIES down and look for Sarah." I replied. "So, gentlemen, shall we play cards while we wait?"

"Which game're you thinkin' of?" Tobias asked.

"Nobody's watching." I replied. "So how about we play a _man's_ game?"

And that's how we wound up playing Go Fish on a rickety old dinghy bed the S.S. Banana Roast, bouncing along the Rooftops of Bilgewater. You're probably thinking that I should be questioning my sanity, while Graves and Tobias did the same (my sanity, not theirs), but here's the thing: I'd been at the Institute of War for _months_ before Swain declared war. That was plenty of time to consume with antics, and Ahri proved especially helpful with setting them up. By the time Demacia and Noxus were at each other's throats, everybody had already learned to deal withy shenanigans. It was better than putting up with a haughty, stuck-up god, anyways.

It's hard to play Go Fish on an airborne dinghy. Every time we bounced, we lost a few cards, so whenever someone asked if anyone had any threes, we'd produce some from our decks, then watch as they went over the side. Sometimes a card exploded from gunfire, or a seagull snatched them out of the air. Graves promptly shot them down in reply. They deserved it, too. Buncha sky rats.

"Boooiiiinnng. Boooiiiinnng. Boooiiiinnng." I held up my hands in the air after I got bored with cards. "Y'know, this was admittedly a fun idea, but I didn't realize how long it'd take to get down from here." I glanced over the side. "Especially considering that everybody's after our heads now."

"You and science kinda have a dysfunctional relationship, doncha'?" Tobias asked.

"Yeah, I'm not really sure why." I admitted. "I think it's for entertainment."

"Whose?"

"Dunno." I replied. "Some random entity out in the universe, maybe? I'd have to get back to you on that."

"We should probably stop soon." Graves noted. "Half the joint's already wantin' to kill us. Best if we don't piss off the other half, so we have someplace to lay low."

"You're probably right." I agreed. "Let me see if I can steer us somewhere we can get off."

A particularly hard knock against the boat's hull flung me from the deck, and I plummeted to the streets below, poker-faced and blinking.

"Or...that can happen." I said. "I mean, I would've preferred to use the actual _rudder,_ but falling also works. Why not?"

I got tangled up in a few clotheslines on the way down, becoming enveloped in bloomers, men's and women's alike. A few of them screamed as I accidentally ran off with their underwear, but I tossed them away while hoping they could just pick them up. I had a boat to catch up to.

I climbed up a wall, twisting around and jumping to another, climbing up another few feet before leaping through the opposite window feet-first, in a sliding position. I ended up entering some sort of dining room, skidding along the table and knocking off all the food.

"Well, hey there." I smirked and winked at a blonde sitting across from me as I slid. She giggled, blushing. Sue me, even though I have a girlfriend I can still strut my stuff in front of the ladies. One could argue that it's extra satisfying, too. All _this_ and it's already taken! The ladies are bawling their eyes out, I'm sure of it. I swiped a smoked salmon from the end of the table as I passed, jumping to my feet and crashing through the next window. I sliced through a clothesline with my axe, grabbing onto the end and using it to swing above the hustle and bustle beneath me. Faster means of transport, and all that.

"Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can..." I sang softly to myself as I swung, kicking out with both legs and letting go. I landed on the second floor balcony of a nearby tavern, eyeing the S.S. Banana Roast as I weaved and pushed my way around occupied tables, watching the dinghy continue to bounce its way along the rooftops.

"'Scuse me pardon me coming through gangway beep-beep!" I said hurriedly. "Gotta bust a move, sorry!"

I sprang off the edge of the railing, then cursed as it collapsed under my weight. I latched onto a signpost with my axe as I fell, then used my momentum to swing up onto another roof, sprinting in the direction of the boat, which was starting to escape my reach. At this rate, I'd lose sight of Graves and Tobias within minutes, and gods know how long it'd take me to find them again. Muggers and bandits were such a _pain._ I enjoy a good brawl, sure, but when all of them are one-sided it starts to get boring.

"In that case..." I rolled my eyes with a sigh. "Guess I'd better get serious and stop having fun, huh?"

I went into light-speed, zipping across the rooftops and scattering shingles and planking in my wake. I gripped my axe in both hands as I ran, and thrust the head of the blade into the rough material, then pushed against it with both hands and flipped over it, performing a flip-slash-pole vault with the weapon. The vault, coupled with my added momentum from my speed, sent me flying towards the boat, and I eagerly waved at the two outlaws on the deck as I sheathed my axe.

" _BE THERE IN A SEC, GUYS!_ " I yelled. " _COMIN' AT YOU, SO MAKE ROOM FOR ME WHEN I GET THERE!_ "

But then, the most unexpected thing happened.

Or maybe it _wasn't_ unexpected, considering the culprits.

Out of nowhere, a flock of seagulls coalesces, a squawking, screeching cloud of white demons from above, bearing down on me with unholy fury. Literally. I've known several demonic gods that like to use seagulls as minions. Or sacrifices for the blood circle. Seagulls were on of the stupidest ideas I'd ever had. I'm just going to admit it.

" _Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!_ " They all squawked. I blinked. I didn't even know that seagulls _could_ talk. I smelled either an anomaly or a reference. Most likely the latter.

They then slammed into me, halting my airborne advance and causing me to drop like a stone.

" _CURSE YOU, SEAGUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSS!_ " I screamed. I flailed helplessly as I fell, silently swearing that if I lived through this ideal (I was considering dying of stress and exasperation) I would hunt down every seagull in existence and annihilate the lot of them. And I will not feel a _speck_ of remorse. Besides, pelicans are way cooler. Pelicans are love, pelicans are life. They are second only to bananas.

If you catch my drift. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I contemplated the futility of my existence as I landed in a wheelbarrow that was randomly lying about in the street. The hell would you need a _wheelbarrow_ for in _Bilgewater?_ Well, fish, oranges, dead bodies, I get it, but why can't people take better care of their stuff? It's one of my pet peeves, and honestly, how hard can it be? Just remember where you put it, and make sure it doesn't end up in some random corner of the street! But _noooooo,_ it's too much _work_ to be responsible and pick up after yourself!

Then the wheelbarrow actually started moving, pulled downhill by the impact and my weight. Oh, yeah. It was downhill. Which was pretty unfortunate for me. And wheelbarrows can go pretty fast, once they get going. I discovered this personally as I realized that there was no reliable way to exit at the pace I was going. On the bright side, I noticed that I was slowly catching up to the boat. With luck, I'd be able to get back on deck to finish my game of Go Fish.

And, well, as you probably know, things are never that easy.

Because the pavement then turned around a corner, and since I didn't have a _steering_ wheelbarrow, I could do nothing but watch as I barreled straight towards a building.

"Brakesbrakes _brakesbrakesBRAKES_ -" I yelled, but it turns out that shouting doesn't really do much.

I crashed through the wall of a bar (they're _everywhere_ in this town), ramming through table after table and ruining the joint's customer service. I covered my face with my hands to avoid getting alcohol in my eyes (just in case; it sounds like it hurts), and somehow wound up with a beer in my lap. While it wasn't necessarily an unwelcome addition, I wasn't quite in the mood for a beer at the moment. I'd been hoping for an emergency exit.

Next, I smashed my way into a hat shop, which was a strange thing to have next to a bar. Bilgewater isn't really familiar with the idea of organized commerce. A bar next to a hat shop? Sure. A market next to the Slaughter Docks, why not? Hint: because the dead whales there smell like the inside of Sion's armpits; rotting, revolting and completely lacking in the sanitation department.

I acquired a tricorn hat on my way out, awkwardly twisted sideways on my head. Soon after, I barreled through another bar, this time snagging a cutlass. I was slowly beginning to sense a recurring theme. The final place I "visited" sold parrots, and by then I was _certain_ there was a theme to the mayhem.

" _Rrawk! Polly want a cracker!_ " The parrot on my shoulder squawked.

My transformation was complete. I knew _exactly_ what to do in my predicament.

" _AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR, MATEYS!_ " I bellowed, in my pirate attire, sticking both legs out of the wheelbarrow while I brandished my cutlass and beer. " _SET SAIL FOR TORTUGA!_ "

I was having the _time_ of my _life,_ let me tell you. I'd _always_ wanted to try talking like a pirate, and now that the appropriate circumstances were present it felt _so good_ to finally get to do it. Besides, the fact that Gangplank would've _hated_ it if he could see me mocking him made it all the sweeter.

However, even though I'd demanded that my wheelbarrow set sail for the island of Tortuga, and catch a ride with Jack Sparrow on the Black Pearl (that was my initial plan for catching up to Tobias and Graves, unrealistic as it was), I was going in the completely wrong direction. Instead, I found myself speeding toward the Slaughter Docks, and even though I couldn't _see_ them at the time, I could sure as hell _smell_ them. The Slaughter Docks have one of the _worst_ stenches in all of Runeterra, and I'm not kidding when I say that. The Institute of War did a poll a few weeks after Snowdown. The Docks are where fishermen and whalers take their best kills, to be chopped up into meat and sold on the markets. And don't think you can just bring in a few herring and call in a day. If you're going to the Slaughter Docks, your kill has to be _big._ At _least_ a small whale. And the place is often crowded, so you're gonna have to wait a while before people can attend to your pay and your meat. And carcasses that size tend to rot after a few days. And they start to smell, too. And since there are so _many_ of them...I think you understand where I'm going with this.

" _AAAAAARRRRRR_ _, THIS ISN'T TORTUGA!_ " I noted. " _THIS BE THE LOCAL PISSPOT!_ " I assumed that's how a pirate would say it.

And that wasn't even the end of it. I didn't stop once I entered the docks. Even though the current available carcasses were disgusting to the point where I automatically retched, I couldn't get off. A captain always goes down with his ship, I guess.

" _AVAST! THERE SHE BE!_ " I pointed at one corpse in particular. " _THE GREAT WHITE WHALE!_ "

It was in fact a whale corpse, and yes, it happened to be white. References were being served up to me on a silver platter, and I was _loving_ it. Rusty old hooks and moldy ropes were all that were holding it together, and I think my stomach would've enjoyed it if the ropes just snapped. That way it'd fall into the sea, and I wouldn't have to look at (or smell) it anymore. And it looked like it'd been abandoned, too. That happened sometimes; the waiting queue was just so unbearable that people just flat out abandoned their kills so that they could go home and do something productive.

" _PREPARE THE CANNONS! GET ME THE HARPOON! WE BE EATING WHALE BLUBBER TONIGHT!_ " I yelled. " _CHAAAAAAAAARGE!_ "

Then I realized that not only was I heading towards it, but that it was a stupid idea to even _want_ to. Especially considering that its mouth was open. And it looked like I was about to be devoured.

" _WELL, BLOW ME DOWN! I BE ABOUT TO BE DEVOURED BY THE BEAST!_ " I screamed. See? I'd already figure it out.

To my utter, absolute horror, I entered the whale's gaping mouth, slipping and sliding on the tongue. I tumbled from the wheelbarrow, and faceplanted in dry saliva. And dear _gods,_ it smelled awful. It was mixed with the stench of rotten fish, too, so it was ten times worse than usual.

"Eww." I stood up with my arms spread, wobbling on the tongue. I'd lost interest in talking like a pirate. Being inside a dead whale will do that to you. Especially since my parrot appeared to have been swallowed. It'd gone straight down the thing's throat, and it doesn't matter if the thing that ate you is dead, you are _not_ coming back from that.

I grimaced, shaking the saliva off my clothing. The smell was still there, to my disgust. "At least I can still get out of here." I said to myself, looking at the available silver lining.

 _WHOMP!_

I was suddenly enveloped in darkness.

I deadpanned. "You have _got_ to be kidding me."

I glanced back towards the mouth. Somehow, it had clamped shut, leaving me trapped in the belly of the beast. Literally, too. I didn't really know what to think of that. There had been hooks holding the mouth open when I arrived, and they'd been just as moldy and green as the others. Apparently, they'd snapped, which only made sense, as my luck tends to go in that direction a lot.

I turned from side to side, taking in the sight of the carcass. It looked like the typical inside of a whale, but I could make out splotches of dark green dotting the flesh, indicating that it'd been decaying for a while, maybe even a few weeks. Holes were torn in the whale's hide, either due to harpoons or decay. None of them were big enough for me to climb through. Sure, I could've burned my way out, or used my axe, but I still remembered what that burning carcass in Shurima smelled like, and I wasn't anxious to get whale guts on my axe. That would be _impossible_ to wash out.

So, I sat. And thought.

There _had_ to be a way to get out of this mess. A sanitary one, anyways. Graves and Tobias wouldn't appreciate working with a star that smelled like a rotting corpse. Plus, I knew I'd get out sooner or later. I could at least afford to do it without getting messy.

I scooched towards the one stray beam of light in the whale's stomach, which sat in the center. I was more comfortable when I thought in direct sunlight. It felt pleasant, and fairly warm. Yep; I'm pretty much a living solar panel. Sometimes.

Then, as I continued to ponder my escape route, I looked up.

And I realized that the light was coming from the whale's blowhole.

I gasped, as a very stupid and _very fun_ idea popped into my head. I grabbed my axe, placed my hat on my head, and started glancing around the tongue. The tongue is essentially a giant muscle; it's the strongest muscle in the human body, to be specific. But there are certain parts of it that allow it to flex the way it does, and if I poked the proper spot, it'd accomplish what I needed. How do I know this? Well, guess. I kinda made every natural form of life on Runeterra. I could teach _college classes_ on biology for six hours until the end of each semester. I could educate the teachers, too. I'm awesome like that.

"No...not there...Not there either...no...no...a- _HA!_ " I grinned excitedly as I found the area I was looking for. I jumped up, and slammed the butt of my axe into the center of it, causing it to ripple and shudder. A second later, the tongue spasmed, and I rocketed upwards. But I didn't fly out the blowhole; that wasn't what the plan was. Instead, I jabbed the blade of my axe into a muscle a few meters away, just as I hit the ceiling.

This muscle, of course, was what allowed the whale to spray water.

I hit the ground, positioning myself just underneath the blowhole, as water began to seep into the whale's stomach.

" _THAR SHE BLOWS!_ " I yelled.

Not long after that, I emerged from the whale on a geyser of water, flailing and laughing as I was flung hundreds of feet into the air. " _HAHAHAHA YEAH!_ " I whooped, flinging both fists out in a display of triumph. " _I GOT MY ESCAPE ROUTE **AND** A REFERENCE IN! TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE, BABY!_"

 _WHAM!_

All the air was knocked out of my stomach as the S.S. Banana Roast smacked into me. I don't know how it managed to do that, but that was some _serious_ timing. The boat, unfortunately, wasn't holding up very well. It'd lost the back half somewhere down the line, which meant the rudder was gone. All that was left was the wheel, half of the bed and the two outlaws on board.

"Oh, hey guys." I greeted once I'd regained my breath, splayed casually across the nose of the dinghy (as casual as you can be in that position, anyways). "What'd I miss?"

"Not much." Graves shrugged. "The mob lost interest 'bout ten minutes ago, so we're just waitin' 'til we stop."

"That might actually be closer than we thought." Tobias pointed ahead.

Waterfall. We were about to fall into one of the many man-made lagoons scattered throughout Bilgewater, and they tend to go pretty far down. Enough to make it hurt. Certainly enough to make it lethal. Although, some people had apparently tried going over waterfalls in a barrel, so how hard could it be?

"Well, that's just perfect." I said. "Life seems to like throwing curveballs my way, doesn't it?"

"Helios, now would be a good time to bail!" Tobias said urgently. "Our chances of survivin' this are slim to-"

"Never tell me the odds!" I replied, climbing back up onto the deck. "Besides, they're often stacked against me, and I usually pull through alright!"

"'Yer a _god,_ Helios!" Tobias yelled.

"Well, true." I admitted. "But hey, you're vital to the plot, you'll be fine."

"Not only that, but I chose this boat because it has a very unique safety feature!" I announced.

"And what'd that be?" Graves asked, slightly hopeful.

He was about to be _so_ disappointed.

"You see, _this_ boat, my friend..." I slowly built up the suspense (but not really). "... _IS A FLYING BOAT FROM TREASURE PLANET!_ " And dear _gods,_ that movie was underrated. Like Atlantis. I really liked that one. The city doesn't actually exist (it was based off an explorer's trip to the Marai's underwater city a few centuries ago), but it's a neat concept.

And Graves realized, in that small moment, that he could very well die that day just because I felt a need to fool around.

" _ARE YOU SERIOUS?!_ " He yelled.

"Not at all!" I replied cheerily.

We went over the edge.

* * *

"We pillage and plunder and rifle and loot, drink up me 'earties yo ho...we kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot, drink up me 'earties yo ho..." I softly sang to myself as I hung onto the mast of my smashed dinghy, which was rapidly sinking as it made its way toward the docks. "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me."

I reached the wooden walkway just as the mast fully sank into the water, gracefully stepping onto it à la Jack Sparrow (AN: you know which reference I mean).

Surprisingly, none of us died. It'd been a hell of a ride, and the S.S. Banana Roast had been smashed to pieces when it hit the water, but overall we'd fared better than expected. As a proper captain should, I elected to go down with the ship, while Graves and Tobias hopped belowdecks, cramming into what remained of the small space available. It hadn't actually been the impact that destroyed the boat. We'd generated a massive wave that was the actual culprit, which had torn apart my dinghy. By then it'd been falling apart at the seams, so the wave really didn't have to do much.

I turned around to steal one last glance at the dinghy. It slowly faded from view beneath the water's surface, until only a few stray bubbles showed that it was at the bottom. I sighed, slightly depressed. I'd known that it probably wouldn't have lasted long _without_ the whole drama that had just gone down, but it'd been a faithful little vessel, in the short time I'd commandeered it. I would have to give the next boat I used an even goofier name, in honor of its predecessor.

I have strange ideas for what's traditional for this kinda thing, but at the very least it makes things interesting...right? I don't know. Maybe.

"Coming, boys?" I glanced upwards from the wreckage of the S.S. Banana Roast, spotting my companions floating by on a stray plank that'd been torn loose from the boat. "We have work to do, you know."

Graves shook the saltwater out of his beard, then spat it out. "Has anyone ever told 'ya that 'yer _insane?_ " He asked.

"Once or twice." I replied, nonchalant. "Why?"

"Because at this rate, this'll be our last job." Tobias said, emptying the water out of his hat. "We're gonna die before we get our payday, aren't we?"

"Quite possibly." I agreed. "But then again, it's all part of the job, right?"

"Damn _straight._ " Graves smirked, pulling himself onto the docks with a heave. "Even if we don't get paid, the whole experience'll make a good story for the bartender."

"Now you're getting it." I smiled. "So, shall we go find Sarah, then? With a rep as big as hers, she can't be _that_ hard to find."

" _ **She isn't here.**_ " A deep, rumbly, metallic voice replied.

A shadow fell across the three of us, and we slowly turned around.

A gigantic silhouette began to rise from the depths, blocking out the sun and creating waves throughout the lagoon, forcefully rocking the various ships and vessels tied to the docks. Water rushed from the cracks in its steel armor, and a pair of glowing red eyes stared down at us from underneath its helmet, casting two crimson spotlights down on where we stood. Whatever was left of the thing's face remained shrouded in darkness, and even I didn't really know what it looked like, nor did I want to. In one hand, the armored giant carried an enormous chain, with a barge's anchor attached to the end. In the other, he gripped the wreckage of what appeared to be a flagship, which were usually seen on the open sea.

" ** _Fortune's ship left the harbor a few hours ago, along with she and her crew._** " Nautilus continued. " ** _I witnessed them leaving myself._** "

"...Y'know, even as far as sudden, dramatic entrances go, that was pretty sudden." I noted. "Have you been here this whole time?"

" _ **I only came here to bring**_ this _**to my employers.**_ " The Titan of the Depths gestured to the wreck in his hand. " _ **I was not expecting you to arrive the way you did.**_ " Nautilus had made a career out of bringing ocean wrecks to Bilgewater for repurposing. The materials gathered from sunken ships could be used to construct houses, or even fortify Bilgewater's defenses. He didn't even ask for payment. What would he use it for? It wasn't like the big guy had anything else to do, since...you know.

You're probably thinking that I know what freak of nature dragged him down to the depths of the ocean and fused itself to his suit. You're right. I do. And, to be honest...you don't wanna know. There aren't many of them left alive, and what they look like when they fuse with people...nasty. It was one of my "drunken mistakes" as a star, if you will.

"Do you...know where she went?" I asked. Even I was a little wary around Nautilus. He wasn't scary, gods no; it's just hard to talk to the guy. How exactly do you start a conversation with a seventy-foot, one-hundred thousand ton metal man that lugs around a giant anchor? You don't, as guilty as it makes you feel. There's just not a lot of things to talk about.

Nautilus grunted, which sounded like a whale experiencing a muscle spasm. " _ **To hunt for the Saltwater Scourge. Where else?**_ "

Oh, gods, not this again! Sarah had a bit of an obsession with placing a bullet in Gangplank's skull. You would too, if he'd killed _your_ family, burned _your_ house down, ruined _your_ life, etc. Not even the fiercest of ocean storms could faze her when it came to chasing after Gangplank, and she was part of the reason why he had to keep such a low profile. It wouldn't be logical for him to get his ship destroyed _twice._

"Can you...show me... _where,_ maybe?" I asked again.

" _ **You would have me wade out into the deepest depths of the sea, brave the fiercest of storms, just to find one girl and recruit her for your war?**_ " Nautilus asked.

"If it isn't too much trouble, sure." I replied.

" _ **How would you have me accomplish this, if I agreed?**_ " Nautilus asked.

I glanced at a nearby boat sitting across the lagoon. It was bigger than my dinghy, and by the looks of it, a lot more durable. It was a full-size ship, meant to be operated by a crew of thirty men. It'd do quite nicely. But, ah, there were only four of us, and only three would actually _fit._

Then I glanced at Nautilus's anchor.

And back to the boat.

Then back to his anchor.

Then back to the boat.

Then back to his anchor.

Then back to the boat.

You see where I'm going with this.

"I... _might_ have an idea on how to make this work." I said.

"This'll be fun." Graves commented, reloading his shotgun.

* * *

 _ **Woo! And that's it for this week, ladies and gentlemen! Next time, we'll get to see Sarah do her bounty hunter thing (I think), and encounter Gangplank in the process. Then, once that's taken care of, we'll go into how the remaining champions of Bilgewater are getting roped into Helios's little recruitment venture. It mainly involves naval battles. And an old wound Swain's still salty about. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	37. I Accidentally Sink Sarah's Ship (Oops)

_**Alrighty, everyone, it's time for a new chapter of the current LoL fanfic page titan! Seriously, every time I put a new chapter out it seems like I've got the most popular story around, at the moment. At least, that most frequently updates, anyways. Authors like NarayanK still have me beat by a landslide. But that isn't important. Right now, I'm supposed to be telling you what to expect for this week. Helios is going to be chasing down Sarah Fortune, who's currently after Gangplank, for all the typical reasons. We're also getting pretty close to the end of the Bilgewater arc. Two more chapters after this, I think, and then it's time for the big showdown! Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes will be involved. Because that's undoubtedly the best song to have for something like that. Now, shall we? Be sure to let me know what you think at the end of the chapter!**_

* * *

Alright, hands up, who saw where I was going with this? To be honest, the hints I gave were a bit obvious. I doubt it took that much thought to comprehend.

...I just remembered that I can't see your hands...because...well...it's not, uh...you know what I'm trying to say.

So, for those of you who didn't figure it out, let me give you the rundown: as you know, I'd been taking a few glances at a particularly fancy-looking ship when Nautilus showed up. He'd told me that Sarah had left the harbor a few hours ago, and since nobody wanted to run with me at light-speed, I'd have to do things the hard way. Honestly, the things I do to keep my friends happy when there's work to be done, it's ridiculous! Sometimes I wonder if I should just ignore them and do it anyways. I mean, I _already_ do that sometimes, but I'm starting to think I should just do it more; deal with the consequences (a.k.a getting yelled at) later. It'd be a bit more of a headache, but I think it'd be worth it.

Sorry, getting sidetracked. Where was I? Oh, right. The plan.

The boat, which I'd named the S.S. Swirly Whirl (it was the best I could think of), was way too big to be fully operated by Graves, Tobias and I. We wouldn't be able to steer, and all of our work would have to be dedicated to keeping the sails unfurled. Luckily, that was where Nautilus came in. His anchor was strong enough to pull the boat along, and he himself was strong enough to do all the tugging. There was, however a small flaw in the plan, which was that the ocean floor was a _long_ way down, and while Nautilus could survive the pressure down there, his anchor's chain wasn't long enough to pull us from that distance. That was where I had to put my fair share of the work in.

As you all know, I am capable of making plants grow on just about any surface, but the type and strength (whether or not it's nearly dead) of the plant depends on the environment I use my power in. If I used it in Shurima, I'd get a bunch of desert plants, such as cacti. If I use it in fertile environments like Demacia and Ionia, I can create just about any plant I want. But if it's in _marine_ environments, such as Bilgewater, I get kelp, seaweed, etc. But not coral. Coral isn't a plant. It's technically an animal. Polyps, and all that.

Anyways, we spent a few hours rigging up the ship and prepping it for the open ocean. It'd be a bumpy ride, especially since it would be dark by the time we left, and that wouldn't be very fun for us. Maelstroms and storms occupy the sea at night, and they will chew through ships like Kog'Maw through fried chicken (if you've _ever_ seen him eat the stuff, you'll understand; not only is he fast, he's messy). The plan was simple: while the three of us kept the ship in working order as best as we could, Nautilus would pull the ship along, while being assisted by kelp that I'd summon from the ocean floor, giving him an organic walkway to trudge on. It'd have to be a _lot_ of kelp, but with effort, and focus, we could pull it off.

We set off just as the sun was setting, while the stormclouds started rolling in. I barely got fifteen minutes of a view before the sky was dark and grey, which soon faded to a deep black. "We got everything ready, boys?" I asked, calling down from the top main mast. I'd already untied the ropes holding up the sails, and I watched as they unfurled, snapping to their full extent with a satisfying _whump_ as the fabric beat against the air. "Main mast's covered!"

"I've got the foremast!" Graves said, tying new knots to secure the sails on his end. "Ready to go!"

"Mizzen's ready!" Tobias called. I snickered a little. The mizzen is what you call the sails at the stern (back) of the ship, and I couldn't help but find the name to be a little odd. But hey, people have their reasons for naming stuff. I could tell you what the term "mizzen" means, but it'd take too long to explain.

"Nautilus, you ready, big guy?" I shouted down to the Titan of the Depths.

" _ **I am.**_ " He replied. He heaved his anchor around the ship, and it looped around the main deck twice before locking into place on its chain. Nautilus tugged on it once, and it tightened until it was completely taught, the deck's floorboards cracking and splintering a little from the sheer force and weight. I winced. Hopefully they wouldn't leak to the point where we'd have to start bailing with buckets. That never worked well in the movies. The kelp walkway was already set up, and Nautilus stood on the starting end, while several kelp ropes looped around the boat to pull it along.

"Do I get to say it?" I asked.

Graves shrugged. "'Yer the cap'n. Go ahead."

I sucked in a deep breath, so much so that a small pit formed above my stomach. " ** _SET SAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!_** " I boomed.

The ship's anchor snapped off as Nautilus gave a forceful yank (we wouldn't need it anyways), dangling from the docks. Wind flowed into the sails, causing them to bulge outward, and with that, we set off. The ship dipped and rocked on the waves as it exited the harbor underneath the arch overlooking the lagoon, whipping up froth and sea spray. I inhaled deeply, smiling at the fresh air.

This was gonna be _awesome._

"Hey, Helios?" Graves asked, once we'd passed Butcher's Bridge and were out on the open sea. "Where exactly are we goin'?"

Hold up now, _what?_

* * *

 _C  
R  
A  
C  
K  
!_

 _ **B  
O  
O  
M  
!**_

Lighting flashed as thunder boomed.

I winced in reply. It'd been a little too close for my liking, although it _was_ pretty to look at. It also gave some decent lighting, too. We could barely see _anything_ where we were. Which, by the way, was miles and miles out from Bilgewater. There was no land to be found - just water, water and more water. you wouldn't know which way you were going unless you had a decent map and compass with you.

I squawked and yelped as lightning got _extremely_ close, striking the wood of the mast. It lit ablaze, flames chewing and munching their way up the material. I hastily extended my palms, sighing in relief as the inferno was absorbed into my hands. We'd had to roll the sails back up a few hours ago, which, admittedly, was a little disappointing. The winds were getting _way_ too strong to keep them up. If we had, the masts would've snapped off. Now, we mostly just chilled out, and waited while Nautilus did his thing. Graves and Tobias decided to play a game of cards in the captain's quarters, while I stayed up on the main mast. I was strong enough to hold on, although the pouring rain and raging winds made me both cold _and_ wet. The occasional gust of wind would drag my heavy coat back behind me, threatening to pull me down with it, but I managed to keep a firm grip on the mast.

Graves, earlier, had pointed out the one _other_ flaw in the plan: I had absolutely no idea where to find Sarah. The ocean was, ah...big, you see, and Gangplank knew it like the back of his hand, as did Sarah. They could be anywhere by now, and we'd already been searching for hours on end.

" _DO YOU SEE ANYTHING?_ " I shouted, over another crash of thunder.

" _ **I do not.**_ " Nautilus replied. " ** _You have asked me the same question at least five times._** " The guy had such a deep voice that he didn't even have to shout. People back in Demacia probably heard him.

I coughed and spat as the ship suddenly kicked up a wave, resulting in my clothes getting drenched. I sloppily wiped the saltwater out of my eyes, which already made them sting like crazy. " _WELL, I'M GETTING IMPATIENT, AND IT ISN'T ALL THAT FUN BEING UP HERE IN THE RAIN!_ "

" _ **You had the option of joining Tobias and Graves down in the captain's quarters.**_ " He replied. " _ **You could have taken it.**_ "

" _I'M THE CAPTAIN, NAUTILUS!_ " I yelled. " _I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE JOB ALL THE TIME!_ "

If Nautilus had pupils, he would've been rolling his eyes. " _ **For a god, you have a surprising lack of ability to take anything seriously.**_ "

I opened my mouth to protest.

I remained there, blinking, with one finger held up in the air.

"Caught me there." I replied. "But in all fairness, the readers wouldn't find this thing as entertaining."

Nautilus didn't even bother to answer. Like I said, everybody learns to just roll with it after dealing with me for a few weeks.

I blinked repeatedly through the salt dotting the edges of my eyelids, squinting past the horizon. I _still_ couldn't see anything. Getting down from the mast and moving to the bow (front) would probably help with my search.

 _FWOOM!_

Another wave surged up from the sea, on the starboard side. It was three times the height of the boat, and twice as wide. It crashed down back into the depths, but the waves the impact created flung water onto the deck, and nearly tipped the boat over.

I stumbled on the top of the main mast, wobbling my arms as I swayed with the ship. I nearly regained my balance, then tripped, falling over the edge. Now, since my face could probably take a missile strike, faceplanting on the deck didn't hurt...as much as it would for a regular human. It still made me a little dizzy when I propped myself up on my elbows.

"Ugh..." I groaned, picking myself up...just as a wave hit the boat from the bow, soaking my clothes again. I coughed and spluttered, shaking out the water from my sleeves, then reaching down to wring it out from the edges of my coat. Not that it did much, due to the constant torrent of rain. "This _sucks._ " I concluded. It was about the best I could think of, considering all other distractions.

"You know what? Screw this." I said to myself. "Let me know when you see something, Nautilus. I'm going inside."

I stumbled across the deck (it's really hard to balance yourself on a ship that's rocking and swaying with the waves) to the captain's quarters, opening the door and trudging inside. Graves and Tobias had abandoned their game of cards, and were now occupied with rummaging through the ship's food supply...or at least the parts of it that had drinks.

"Found anything good, boys?" I asked, lazily pushing the door shut behind me.

"A few beers. Interested?" Graves asked.

I nodded, my gaze half-lidded from fatigue. He tossed me a bottle, and I hastily unscrewed the cap, taking a guzzle. Beer actually kinda works like coffee for me. Fire replenishes my energy, as do burns in general. And that includes alcohol. "That's _much_ better." I said, satisfied. "You guys had the right idea by staying in here. It's a mess out there."

"Nautilus find anythin' yet?" The Outlaw asked, before taking a swig from his own bottle. "I ain't much for waitin' around, especially when I'm itchin' for my paycheck."

"You'll get it soon, Graves, don't you worry your shaggy little head." I replied, plopping myself down in a chair with a _thump._

" _ **Helios. There is a matter that requires your urgent attention.**_ " Nautilus's voice boomed from outside.

I froze, slowly looking down to the beer in my hand, which was half-empty.

I sighed. "I literally _just_ sat down to have a drink."

"Welp, 'yer the cap'n, ain't 'ya?" Graves asked, amused. "Best get to it, then."

I grumbled a few protests under my breath, then slid back my chair to trudge back outside.

" _GYAH!_ " The ship bucked again, tipping backwards. I fell flat on my back, catching another splash of spray in the face, while rain poured down from the dark clouds above. A brief crescendo in lighting illuminated the sky like fireworks, highlighting the dark horizon around us.

" _What?_ " I demanded, irritated. "You couldn't have waited until _after_ I was done?" I rolled over onto my stomach, spitting out saltwater as I stood, leaning on my axe for support.

" _ **I could not.**_ " Nautilus replied. He looked like he was trying to ignore my little display of clumsiness, which was proving to be difficult. " _ **Move to the bow, and you will see it.**_ " I groaned. More moving. Great. Normally, that wouldn't be an issue, but I was getting a little tired of getting thrown off my feet every ten seconds.

I stomped up the stairs leading to the ships's bow, looking over the railing behind the bowspirit (what you call the large pole sticking out from the front). What exactly was I supposed to be looking at? All I could see was the same old ocean, which, admittedly, was really cool to look at, but I'd rather have a little more variety in my scenic viewings. Sure, it's great to watch sea storms rage, but it's not so great when you're bearing witness to them personally, and with nothing to show for it-

 _Boom._

 _Blam._

 _Crack._

 _Boom-boom-boom._

Huh?

I squinted at the horizon, trying to see through the layers of cloud obscuring my vision.

 _Blam-blam._

 _Boom._

 _Crack._

 _Crack-blam-boom._

I heard the booming echoes again, as they resonated throughout the stormy sky. I shook the salt and rainwater from my eyes, rubbing the spray out of my hair. It was to clear up my vision, and provide a better view of the area ahead. I _knew_ that sound. It was one of the most common sounds to find out on the open seas of Bilgewater, where pirates and plunderers frequented.

 _Crack._

 _POW!_

 _BLAM!_

Cannonfire.

Which meant that either someone was having a Fourth of July party, or two ships were engaging in open combat. And I had a feeling I knew just who the combatants were.

Flashes of orange and fiery red and yellow punctured the clouds in front of me, and I realized with a start that they weren't clouds - they were the haze created from the cannons going off. No wonder they were black as soot. That was gunpowder mixed in with the vapor.

"Nautilus, how far away is that?" I asked, glancing down at where Nautilus strode upon the organic bridge of kelp I'd created.

" ** _Not far. And yet too far._** " Nautilus replied. " _ **We won't make it in time to interfere. However, my eyesight is capable to the point where I can see what's happening. Sarah Fortune is currently engaged with the Saltwater Scourge. He is attempting to flee, but her ship is pursuing hastily.**_ "

"Are you sure we can't make it?" I asked.

" ** _At the current rate we're going, no. I would have to throw you a considerable distance for you to even make it halfway._** " Nautilus said.

"Then do it." I replied. "I have a feeling that Gangplank's gonna have more than just running up his sleeve."

" _ **You'll need to unfurl the sails, then.**_ " The Titan of the Depths rumbled. " ** _Your momentum coupled with the extra speed they will provide should be enough to get you to the Bounty Hunter._** "

"Understood." I nodded, turning around to jog back down the steps. I marched to the captain's quarters, throwing open the door. "Guys, you're gonna want to hold onto something!" I said. "We found Sarah, and we're about to do something really stupid!"

They both looked at each other, then shrugged. "We'd best get to it, then." Tobias said, adjusting his hat.

"Get the masts ready, while you're at it." I said. "We're going to need a lot of speed just to catch up."

"Aye-aye, cap'n." Graves gave a mock salute, and I grinned in reply, shaking my head. "Just get it done." I said. "I'm going up to the main mast."

I exited and went to clamber up the mast, untying the ropes as I climbed. The sails snapped to attention, and the boat gave a sudden jerk forward. The wind had given a bigger boost than I anticipated. We were were moving too fast, too early.

" _NAUTILUS!_ " I yelled frantically.

" _ **I have you.**_ " He replied, and I felt the ship yank itself back. Then, I nearly fell off the mast, as the ship was suddenly pushed upward. It wobbled slightly in the air, and I felt Nautilus grip the keel with both hands. He was holding the entire ship up with his bare hands. Well, they were covered in armor, but you know what I mean.

" _GRAVES, TOBIAS, HURRY UP!_ " I shouted over my shoulder. " _I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG NAUTILUS CAN HOLD US!_ "

The ship lurched forward again, and I banged my head against the mast. I cursed furiously, rubbing the bruise on my forehead. Then the ship heroes a second time, and I smacked my nose on the wooden surface. I cursed again, rubbing the bridge of my nose, and the second bruise I'd have on my face for the night.

" _DAMN IT, GUYS, YOU COULD AT LEAST BE A BIT MORE CAREFUL!_ " I yelled, following up with a streak of Nidalee's signature curse words. I was _that_ pissed. You're in the rain, you're cold, you're wet, you know how it goes. You tend to have a short temper in those situations.

I didn't get an apology in return. They probably didn't care.

" _JUST FREAKING THROW US, NAUTILUS, I'M DONE WAITING!_ " I screamed. " _IT'S TIME FOR REFERENCES ANYWAY!_ "

The boat gave a jerk and a heave, along with my stomach. Next thing I knew, we were airborne.

* * *

" _Think of a won-der-ful thoooouuuuught..._ " I sang. " _A-ny mer-ry lit-tle thoooouuuuught..._ "

" _Think of Snowdown, think of snow, think of sleigh bells off you go! Like a reindeer in the skyyyyyyYYYYYYYYY..._ "

" _YOU CAN FLY, YOU CAN FLY, YOU CAN FLY, YOU CAN FLY, YOU CAN FLYYYYYYYYYY!_ " I spread my arms and whooped up on the main mast, in the light of the full moon. And sue me, Peter Pan's a good movie. Excellent soundtrack.

We'd been up in the air for a whole half minute. Never underestimate the winds of Bilgewater, ladies and gentlemen. Or how hard Nautilus can throw. Both will surprise you in more ways than one. Captain Hook's flying pirate ship had nothing on us at the moment. We were hella majestic. And we'd actually soared above the cloud layer too, so I had a chance to dry off.

I looked down as the roar of cannonfire got closer. Sure enough, Sarah's ship was in hot pursuit of Gangplank, and... _hello..._

Gangplank was using the _Leviathan_ as his own ship. For those of you who aren't aware, the _Leviathan_ used to be Swain's personal flagship. _Used to be._ Gangplank had the nerve to swipe it right under his nose. Nobody had _ever_ done that to Swain before. From that point on, Gangplank was officially on Swain's hit-list. The _Leviathan_ was just ahead of Sarah, and the cannons going off were from her ship. It wasn't close enough to score a hit, but she had him running.

I pulled out a wooden flute from the folds of my coat (someone had just left it there when I found it), placing it to my lips. I began playing Pirates of the Caribbean as loud as I could, just as we began our descent.

Gangplank must've seen us coming, because the _Leviathan_ swerved to the right just as we were about to land on top of him. " _OH, PLANKY!_ " I cackled. " _REMEMBER ME?!_ "

Then we hit the water.

And I instantly regretted ordering Nautilus to throw us.

See, the thing about ships...they aren't meant to slam down on the ocean's surface at a few hundred miles per hour. They're made of _wood._ So when we landed...the boat crumpled in on itself like a piece of paper.

"Oh...dang." I frowned, as I toppled from the mast. "That sounded expensive."

 _FWOOM!_

I hit the water, going under. The cannonfire was instantly muted, becoming dull thuds and bangs above. I clamped my mouth shut as water started to fill my lungs, and as you know, water up the nose does _not_ feel good. I twisted out of the way of bits of falling debris, along with the main mast, which nearly impaled me. I facepalmed. _Gods,_ that was a stupid idea, even for me. I was starting to understand why my friends got so frustrated from my antics. Sometimes they worked, but other times they crashed and burned. I'd have to lay off for a while after this. My second ship hadn't lasted much longer than the first.

I kicked out with my legs and starting swimming up, breaking the surface with a gasp. Ironically, my mouth was almost instantly filled with water, as the rain was back. Oh, joy. I wouldn't ever be dry again, with my luck.

I noticed the shadow looming over me, and I turned around to see that the _Leviathan,_ due to my costly error, was now in the perfect position to return fire.

I deadpanned. "Helios, you _idiot._ " I said to myself.

Cannons boomed and roared from the _Leviathan's_ starboard side, cannonballs biting deep into Sarah's ship. The crew was frantically attempting to return fire, but Gangplank's ship was bigger, and had a lot more firepower. One has to wonder why he was even running.

"I...should probably get up there." I noted, sweatdropping. Coughs and hacks from my right alerted me to Graves and Tobias, who'd pulled themselves up on another piece of planking.

" _I know what you're going to say, and_ save it!" I yelled, over a crack of lighting. " _Right now, Sarah needs a hand!_ "

They both scowled, huffed and nodded. Bits of loose rigging had been knocked over the side of the ship, and seeing that our objective was clear, we swam over and grabbed onto the ropes. I hauled myself out of the water, and the two outlaws behind me followed suit. I felt a whizz of air, followed by a piercing screech, and I yanked my lower body up just as a cannonball dug into the side, right where I'd been previously. I gulped, wiping a bead of sweat off my brow, then continued climbing.

As I pulled myself over the edge of the ship's railing, I heard a sharp, metallic _clang,_ and I looked to see a gigantic hook wrapped around it. _Thiwps_ and _twangs_ came after, followed by more _clangs_ as more and more hooks locked themselves onto the ship. I cursed, then grabbed onto a hook, my hands lighting ablaze. I burned through the rope attached, and it snapped, falling lifelessly to the water below. The ship lurched, and I wrapped my arms around the railing to prevent falling off. I turned around to see Gangplank and his crew on the other side of the combat zone, getting a small bridge ready for boarding. Jubilant screams and howls rang out above me, and I looked up as multiple pirates began swinging aboard on ropes, digging knives and swords into the sails, tearing through them as they slid down.

The _Leviathan_ still wasn't done, though. Cannons were still going off, although now that they were at close range, they were having an even bigger effect on the ship. Instead of dents, they left gaping holes, and I winced uncomfortably as one stray cannonball in particular knocked one of Sarah's crew off the side. He wasn't coming back from that one, I could tell.

I lashed out with my axe as soon as I'd gotten to my feet, slashing through a pirate's chest. I kicked him over the side, then moved on. Sarah was on the upper deck, her twin pistols Shock and Awe getting to work on anyone that got too close...and anyone that _didn't,_ for that matter. Her first mate, Rafen, was at her side, holding his own with his sword.

" _Helios, I am going to **kill** you when I get my hands on you!_" She shouted out loud, placing another bullet in a skull.

" _Funny you should mention that!_ " I yelled in reply, jumping up to kick another guy in the face, before tossing him up and over me. " _Sorry!_ "

"For what? Sinking my ship and ruining my chance to catch Gangplank?" Sarah asked irritably.

"Er...yeah, pretty much." I replied. "I didn't think that this would happen."

"Since when do _you_ think?" She said, her guns barking furiously. "You'd better help me out, or you're next on my list!"

"What do you _think_ I'm doing?!" I demanded, ducking under the swing of a cutlass. "I'm _literally_ helping you kill pirates right now!" I jabbed my knee into my attacker's face, then introduced it to the blade of my axe.

"Rafen, get those hooks off the ship!" Sarah ordered. "We can't let any more of them board!"

"Aye, cap'n!" Rafen said, jumping over the railing and to the main deck. He shoved and hacked his way past anyone who got in his way, his sword cleaving through the hooks holding the ship in place.

"He's good." I noted.

"The best." Sarah agreed. "I don't know what I'd do without him."

I shot a suggestive look her way.

" _What?!_ " She asked.

"Nothing." I rolled my eyes with a grin. "Shall we make our way down, then? We wouldn't want to leave him alone out there."

"Way ahead of you." Sarah said, casually lifting Awe to punch a hole in a pirate's chest. "I see you brought Malcolm and Tobias with you."

"Yeah, they're in it for the cash." I replied, grabbing another by the throat and slamming him to the floor. I squeezed, and I felt his neck snap in my grip. "They'll even go to war for a bit of gold, you know?"

"Wait, against _Noxus?_ " She asked, making her way down the steps. "Did you come here to recruit me?"

"What else?" I replied, leaping over her to cleave my axe through an airborne hook. "Shits and giggles?"

We were both quiet for a moment.

"Well, admittedly, partially, yes." I conceded. "But it isn't like I don't know how to properly mix business with pleasure."

She raised an eyebrow.

"What?" I said. "Are you trying to tell me I have too much fun?"

The Bounty Hunter gestured to the ensuing chaos.

"Oh. Right. That." I frowned. "Well, you might have a point. Perhaps I should start being edgy and emo like Vayne."

I waited a few seconds, slowly turning to look at Sarah expectantly.

She sighed. "Really?"

" _HELL NO!_ " I boomed, diving into the crowd with gusto. " _I WILL BE NAÏVE AND STUPID FOREVEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR!_ "

I may have gone a little overboard, no pun intended. I sheathed my axe in favor of my fists, and I wasn't even bothering to look where I was swinging. I was fairly certain that I'd slugged an ally in the face at least once or twice.

 _Oh, damn, I should've brought Shen with me!_ I realized, a few minutes into the brawl. _Then there could've been a pirate vs. ninja fight!_

Pirate vs. Ninja. A battle as old as time itself. For eons, the two sides have remained equally badass, destined to come together to determine who was the most awesome. Unfortunately, the distance between their territories made it a bit of a pain to arrange a meeting, so they never really bothered to duke it out. I should probably fix that sometime. It couldn't be too hard. Put Gangplank and Zed in a giant glass box, get them to insult each other a little, and the rest virtually takes care of itself!

 _BOOM!_

The sudden explosion had me freeze mid-punch, covering my eyes with one hand. As my eyes adjusted, I saw that the culprit had been a barrel of gunpowder, Gangplank's smoking flintlock the cause of the outburst.

He also had his cutlass in his metal hand, and it was leveled at Rafen,'s throat. The first mate was on his knees, held there by two of the Saltwater Scourge's crew.

"Plank, come on, that's no fair." I complained. "Using hostages is against the rules."

"I'm a _pirate,_ lad." He sneered. "We don't _play_ by the rules."

"So, what, 'do what you want 'cause a pirate is free?'" I asked.

Gangplank shrugged.

" _YAR HAR FIDDLEY DEE-_ "

A blow to the back of the head interrupted my mocking statement, and my vision went dark.

* * *

 _ **...Huh. I honestly thought I'd have more material for this arc. Sorry about this, guys and gals, I guess Bilgewater's just harder to write. Next chapter, Gangplank's gonna gloat a little (a lot), and I'll be fleshing out his character more. Illaoi's coming soon, don't worry. I think I've got a good enough idea on her personality. Again, after Bilgewater, the three-part battle's starting, and boy oh boy, have I got plans for that. Really, the hardest part's just making it to that part of the story. I've been suffering from a bit of writer's block lately. So, just bear with me until we get there. As always, please leave a review if there's something you wanna see, or if you just have any thoughts on the chapter in particular. Until next time!**_

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	38. The Revenge of Piratey McPirate

_**Alrighty, boys and girls, guys and gals, this time, I'mma try rollin' up the ol' sleeves! Last chapter could've been better, I'll admit, but hopefully, now that Gangplank's getting center stage, I'll be able to create a little bit of sizzle! ...I really don't know what I mean when I say that, but I think you all get what I'm trying to say. This chapter should be good. And if not, then at least stay with me until we get to the "finale" of the showdown with Noxus. I put "finale" in quotation marks because...you'll see. That'd be telling, and all that. Anyhoo, this chapter, Helios is going to be laughing his ass off at Gangplank, mostly because he's incapable of taking hostage situations seriously. It's also because he can't resist making terrible puns while Gangplank attempts to be as intimidating as he usually is. As you all probably know, that never works with Helios. He either kicks your ass, or makes fun of you and THEN kicks your ass. So, shall we GET THIS ON?!**_

* * *

Surprisingly, getting knocked out doesn't hurt as much as you think it does.

Well, then again, my skull's pretty much as thick as the hull of an aircraft carrier, so, y'know, naturally that'd be the case for me.

Hey, wait, how'd I get knocked out if my head's that thick? Come to think of it, that's probably why I'm so stubborn and unbearable. Oops, plot hole. Probably not the first one, either. But these things happen, and all I can do to steer you away from them is supply you with vast amounts of humor that make it almost impossible to take the whole thing seriously. Dang, I think I just pulled an Alec Baldwin.

When I woke up, I immediately noticed that it was still raining. Which meant that my clothes were still wet. And _my gods,_ is that annoying! It gets _cold_ when you're out in the rain for hours on end! Did I mention that already? I feel like I did. If that's the case, I'm just driving the point home. My bad, but these things need to be established if you're to understand whose discomfort's the most important around these parts. Hint: mine.

The second, smaller detail I found was that my arms were bound at my sides by numerous layers of ropes, and I'd been tied to the mast of the _Leviathan._ Sarah, Tobias, Graves and Rafen were tied up next to me, and all of them were shooting me the stink-eye. A considerably smaller amount of ropes had been used to bind them. It occurred to me that Gangplank probably wasn't taking any chances. There were at least several dozen holding me in place, to the point where the whole mess was about as thick as a tree trunk.

"So...what'd I miss?" I asked. "Also, who the hell knocked me out."

Sarah coughed.

I turned my head to shoot her a deadpan. " _Really?_ What the _hell_ , Sarah? I was about to mock Gangplank, I thought you _liked_ it when that happens!"

She returned my deadpan with greater force, then gestured to Rafen.

"Well, okay, sure, saving your crush is one thing." I said (Rafen attempted to choke on the rain, for obvious reasons). "But we could've just, y'know...beat them and skedaddled away on your ship. What's the big deal?"

Sarah flicked her head in the opposite direction with a roll of her eyes. "Oh, I don't know, how about _that?_ "

I craned my head to the side, trying to get a better view of what she was talking about.

The wreckage of her ship burned over the horizon, a gigantic column of smoke trailing off from the smoldering masts.

I blinked.

Then blinked again.

I opened my mouth.

And clamped it shut.

"Uh..." I chuckled nervously. "Eh-heh... _whooooooooops?_ "

"If I had Shock and Awe with me, I'd blow your brains out." Sarah said.

"I'd help her." Rafen agreed.

"So would I." Graves said.

"I would too." Tobias said.

"But...but _loot!_ " I protested.

"Oh, right." Graves blinked a few times, straightening up as best as he could in his bindings. "Welp, count me out, then."

"Same." Tobias agreed.

"Just like that?" Sarah replied skeptically.

"Blowin' heads off their shoulders ain't the same as takin' cash." Graves grinned. "It feels nice, sure, but hearin' gold roll around in 'yer hands is way more satisfyin'."

"If you live to get it, that is." Sarah said.

"Okay, yes, I screwed up a little." I admitted. "But at least we aren't dead. Hey, even your crew's here with us." I jerked my thumb underneath the ropes at the remainder of Sarah's crew. They were all on their needs, with Gangplank's goons aiming flintlocks and rifles at their heads, and with cutlasses at their throats. They all looked relatively miserable, but as far as I was concerned, they were mostly all right.

Sarah appeared to consider that.

"See?" I asked. "It could've been a _lot_ worse, trust me."

" _And worse it'll be, lad._ " A very salty, very piratey voice replied. How rude of him. It was Sarah's turn to reply. Doesn't he know not to interrupt people? Well, then again, he's Piratey McPirate (AN: Old Gangplank meme, when he was young and attractive, and potentially a shipping partner for Miss Fortune. Don't bother asking). He isn't exactly one for manners. _Although,_ he's nice enough (kinda, sorta, not really, no) to give people a chance to give up quietly when he boards their ships and takes all their stuff. If not, well...into Davey Jones's locker they go.

Gangplank stood on the upper deck, casually cutting slices off an orange with his cutlass as he fixed us with a sneer. Graves and Tobias actually gulped, and Sarah's glared had the potential to sear a hole in the ship. Not that I would've minded, of course.

"Well, well, what have we here?" He grinned. "Seems to me that we caught a couple of bilgerats sniffing around the deck, lads." The Saltwater Scourge's crew members snickered and laughed, showing off their rotting teeth. Seen it, boring, next, etc. Those are the pirate stereotypes I'm _not_ fond of. Even for me, that's a little too typical.

I frowned, glancing around at the present company. "Well, in actuality, we've got a bounty hunter, an outlaw, a semi-god, a walking One Piece cliché, and a gambler. Get a priest in here and we can walk into a bar."

"Helios. Not now. Please." Sarah rolled her eyes.

"Sarah, at least I'm not sulking at the fact that my ship's at the bottom of the ocean." I drily replied.

"That was _your fault,_ Helios!" Sarah yelled.

"A trivial detail. Not important." I turned up my head haughtily.

" _TRIVIAL-_ " Sarah made a series of strangled, fuming groans and huffs through clenched teeth, lashing out with both legs in an attempt to kick me. Unfortunately (well, maybe for her), she couldn't really reach me, and she just wound up flailing at me comically.

 _BOOM!_

We all winced. Gangplank holstered his flintlock, irritated. "Did I _say_ you could interrupt me?" He asked.

We didn't reply.

"Then allow me to continue." He spat, walking to the side and down the stairs to the main deck.

"Now, if my memory serves me correctly, we've been through this before, haven't we?" Gangplank said, coming to stand before us. He gestured to Graves and Tobias with his cutlass, which had a bit of orange juice on the end. "You two stole something that belonged to me, and in return I hauled you aboard my ship to feed you to the sharks with the Death's Daughter."

"But then, that didn't exactly go as planned, did it?" He gestured to Sarah, who might as well have been foaming at the mouth. "This lass here thought it would be funny to burn my ship and kill my crew."

"You can't tell me it wasn't, Gangplank." Sarah grinned viciously. "I sure as hell thought it was."

"Lass, shut your yap before I cut it out." Gangplank replied, unfazed. "The Bearded Lady knows I'm not an unreasonable man, but when someone pisses on my reputation, that tends to piss _me_ off."

"All the better, Plank." Sarah said. "I'd have hated for you to miss the message I was sending."

Gangplank sighed, then unholstered his flintlock.

 _BOOM!_ The Saltwater Scourge fired a round into the mast next to Sarah's head, just missing her ear. She yelped, thrusting her head to the side.

(AN: On second thought, this encounter might not be as merry for Helios as it usually is.)

"Next shot won't miss." He said. He crouched down in front of her, stabbing his cutlass into the deck. He grabbed Sarah's chin with his metal arm, wrenching it as close to his face as possible. She growled and hissed, thrashing in her bindings, but to no avail. "Now, are you going to be a good little lass and _shut the hell up,_ or am I going to have to dress you up like a strumpet and let the lads have their fun with you?"

A few of the pirates on deck laughed and whistled, eyeing the Bounty Hunter's most...distinguishing features appreciatively.

Sarah's eyes widened. "You wouldn't-"

"Oh, wouldn't I?" He grinned. "You forget, lass, that I like to pay my debts back in full. And the last time we met on these seas, you took my ship, my crew, and my throne. Only fair that I take everything from you in return."

She glowered, then dropped his gaze.

"Wasn't that hard to learn some manners, now, was it?" Gangplank asked. He let go of her chin, taking another orange out from his coat. He delicately stabbed it on the tip of his cutlass, then held the blade out to her mouth. "Interested?" He asked, holding it beneath her chin.

Sarah promptly spat on the orange.

Gangplank rolled his eyes, then pushed himself to his feet, throwing the orange overboard.

" _Saraaaaaaah!_ I was gonna _eat_ that!" I protested. What? I was hungry. I don't care who gives me food, so long as my stomach's satisfied, and, well, I get out okay.

"And then there's _you._ " Gangplank turned to face me, leveling his cutlass at my Adam's Apple. "Where do we even _begin?_ "

"The last time we met was on the Rift, at the Institute of war." He scowled. "If I recall, you had a small habit of shitting on my reputation over and over again."

"Aw, don't tell me you're still mad about _that,_ Planky, are you?" I asked with a grin.

Gangplank grunted. "You haven't lost that _mouth_ of yours, I see."

"If you're disappointed, I can't help you there." I shrugged. "It's kinda my thing."

"And gutting bilgerats is _mine._ " He replied. "But then again, why get mad when I can get _even?_ "

"Er...because it's funnier to watch you get mad?" I offered.

"Aye, that may be." He agreed. "But I'm the one who's taking blood payment, so I think it'd be only appropriate if I collect instead of flap and fume like a razorfish out of water."

"And sometimes, the King has to make an example for his subjects. Ain't that right, lads?" Gangplank asked, spreading his arms and turning in a circle to face the crewmembers that surrounded him. They roared and cheered, thirsty for blood. None of us looked particularly fond of that idea. I know for a fact that my divine limbs were not meant to be ripped off by a bunch of scallywags and scoundrels. It'd at _least_ have to be a dragon that did me in. If the sheer gloriousness of my death didn't sell it for people, the irony of the matter would.

" _WAIT!_ " I gasped. "You're the _King?_ "

"Aye. What's it to you?" Gangplank raised an eyebrow.

"So...does that mean you found One Piece?" I asked. "You know that Luffy's going to be pissed at you for taking it first, right?"

"I am _not_ in the mood for one of your anime references, boy." He growled. " _Shut it._ "

"Or what? You'll, ah...make me walk the plank?" I sprouted a cheeky grin. "The _Gaaaaaaaaaannnnng_ plank, even?"

Gangplank looked like he'd just taken a punch to the gut, as did Rafen, Sarah, Graves and Tobias. They all groaned simultaneously, shuddering uncontrollably while I laughed my ass off. (AN: Okay, I take it back. Helios is totally going for the cheese.)

 _CRACK!_

There was the sound of wood splintering, followed by a massive shudder that resonated throughout the _Leviathan's_ hull. All of us slowly looked down, poker-faced. "...What in tarnation was _that?_ " Graves asked.

"I...think the ship just _cringed._ " I grunted, frowning.

"Lad, do us all a favor and shut your trap, before you feed us all to the brine." Gangplank deadpanned.

"That's the one thing I think I'll ever agree with you on." Sarah said.

"Hey, maybe you guys'll drown, but not me." I grinned. "I've got _plot armor_ , baby! I'm immune because I'm the main character!"

They rolled their eyes, shaking their heads. The only thing that opposite sides will ever agree on is that I'm an annoying (but lovable) pain in the ass. I don't take offense at this, really. Nobody ever really genuinely hates me for it. They might think it's irritating, sure, but at the end of the day my shenanigans make for good memories. I mean, you're gonna need _something_ to do when you're old and senile, aren't you?. Might as well reflect on all the good times you had, right?

"Right, where was I?" Gangplank straightened up. "I do believe we were discussing the details of your unfortunate demise."

"I thought we were discussing references." I frowned.

" _SHUT IT!_ " He roared, firing another round into the mast, above my head. "And let me finish!"

"I wasn't planning on making your death quick before, lad." Gangplank sneered. "But this time, I think I'll make it slower than usual, just for spiting me."

"I've got a thing for scrimshaw, you know." He smiled menacingly, baring his poorly cleaned teeth, before speaking loud enough for his crew to hear. " _And it's been a while since I hung something **new** on my wall!_"

They all cheered, and the sight didn't really give me the impression that what happened next would end well. "Tell me, lad, you're a god, ain't you?" He asked, crouching down to look me in the eye while he brandished his cutlass. He scraped his metal arm along the edge, sharpening the blade as small sparks danced from the metal underneath his eyes, making them appear as if they were glowing with a bloodthirsty fire. "Will my blade even make a _scratch_ on those 'divine bones' of yours?"

"Can't say I really know." I replied. "No one's ever tried." Well, Diana had given me a few good licks with her Crescent Blade back on Mount Targon, but none of them had gotten deep enough to cut down to the bone. Although, her blade _was_ shaped like a meat hook, so it would only be appropriate.

Dear _gods,_ I've got to stop with these morbid thoughts. They aren't helping to get the graphic images out of my head.

Gangplank grinned. "That's the kind of answer I like to hear. If it ain't a challenge, then it ain't _fun._ "

" _WHAT DO YOU THINK, LADS?_ " The pirate lord bellowed, gesturing to me. " _WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH HIS DIVINE MAJESTY?_ "

" _SCRIM- **SHAW!** SCRIM- **SHAW!** SCRIM- **SHAW!**_ " They chanted, stomping their feet rhythmically as they cheered. I noticed that several of the pirates had small carvings of their own hanging from their clothes or looped around their necks in string, and I briefly pictured my bones substituting for them.

I gulped.

"Well, I do believe that settles it, then." Gangplank said. "Sorry, lad, but sometimes a captain's got to keep his crew's hunger fed."

"I don't think they're actually hungry." I took a sidelong glance behind him, grimacing at the pirates licking their chops.

"Blood's a delicacy 'round these parts." He smirked. "Should've known that before you came to _my_ town, lad."

"Didn't Sarah throw you off your throne and turn it into _her_ town?" I raised an eyebrow.

 _SMACK!_

I slowly turned my head back to face him with a blank expression, a red patch visible on my cheek. "I didn't really feel that one, but if it made you feel better, then I can understand why you did it."

 _SMACK!_

"Okay, now you're just being ridiculous." I rolled my eyes. "Try again when you've got a better arm then the one you've got now."

"Change of plans, lads." Gangplank seethed. "This one's all _mine._ "

"Yay, a salty old man's called dibs on my corpse." I drawled. "I'm just about ready to _burst._ "

Gangplank appeared to consider something, weighing his cutlass in both hands. "I'm starting to think that my blade's too _good_ for you, bilgerat." He said. Oh my gods, he called me a _bilgerat!_ He must've _really_ been mad at me!

By the way, in case you hadn't noticed: that was sarcasm.

"We're going southeast this time, boys." Gangplank said. "I've a _special_ treatment in mind for this one."

* * *

Turns out, walking the plank actually _was_ what he was gonna make me do.

Only I was supposed to take a dive into a school of razorfish.

Have I ever told you about razorfish? They're one of my (admittedly many), ah, "drunken mistakes," and it was only at that point that I was really starting to regret making them. They're kinda like piranhas, only bigger, meaner, sleeker, and a helluva lot more bloodthirsty. You know how piranhas can strip a cow to the bone in five minutes? Razorfish can do that in _thirty seconds._ They're almost always hungry, and if I could meet my past self now, I'd slap him in the face to prevent him from making that mistake in the first place.

"So, let me get this straight: you want me to jump in _there?_ " I grimaced as I took a glance over the plank and into the frenzied school. And I do mean _frenzied._ They don't need to smell blood to get worked up; they see potential food, their appetite's ready to go.

"Aye. A quick little hop will do." Gangplank replied.

I frowned. The plank didn't look very stable, and the razorfish weren't exactly giving me a reason to comply. The funny thing was that I was still bound, but this time in the thickest, heaviest chains they had on board. It'd been a pain in their asses to make the transition for my bindings, since I might've kicked them in the face once or twice. Maybe three times.

I turned back to face him. "No thanks. I'm not really in the mood for swimming."

" _Now._ " Gangplank growled, placing the barrel of his flintlock to Sarah's waist. I could hear Rafen's breath catch in his throat, and Sarah herself didn't look too pleased, although it was more angry than afraid.

"Oh, _damn it._ " I sighed. "Why do you people _always_ have to pull the 'hostage' tactic?"

"Because it always _works,_ lad." The Saltwater Scourge said. "Wouldn't do me much good if it _didn't,_ now would it?"

I grunted. "Fair enough." I whipped around on my heels, then cautiously placed one foot on the plank. It creaked, already straining under my weight. The few extra tons the chains added weren't really helping, either. "Just one foot in front of the other, I guess."

"Aye, that be correct. Now _move._ " Gangplank snapped, irritated.

I gulped. _This_ was gonna be fun.

No, seriously. The gulp was just for show, and I'm not even being sarcastic. Watch.

I inched forward, walking out over the edge of the ship and above the water. "Helios, you _can't!_ " Sarah protested. "Can't you just break those chains or something?"

Of course I could. What did she think I was walking for, genuine fear? I'd never gotten to walk the plank before in my life! When was I ever going to get another opportunity to scratch this off the bucket-list? Answer: never. So, I was gonna go ahead and play this out, then make my move à la Return of the Jedi and completely humiliate Gangplank. Sarah'd already had her turn doing that when she sunk his ship the first time. This time, it was all me.

Eventually, after what seemed like eons of agonizing progress, I was at the very edge, my toes just peeking over the rim. The razorfish had churned the water into froth at this point, and judging by the red stain in the middle, some of them had gotten impatient waiting for their food. That's the funny thing about Nopes: they really aren't picky about what they eat, even if it makes them cannibalistic.

" _Well?! **Jump!**_ " Gangplank ordered.

"Alright, alright, give me a minute!" I hollered back over my shoulder. "I need a minute to compose myself, or whatever!"

"Lad, anyone with half a dead fish for brains can see that you're stalling!" He replied. "Get to it, or Miss Fortune's going to have a less-than-fortunate demise!"

I groaned. "I thought cheesy puns were _my_ thing!"

" ** _BY THE BEARDED LADY, GET IN THERE OR I'M BLOWING HER HEAD OFF!_** " Gangplank roared.

I rolled my eyes. Well, it looked like I'd have to make my move now, or else Sarah would die. But it just wouldn't be as _cool,_ you know? There should be fireworks, a little bit of drama, maybe some banter-

(AN: Get your ass moving, Helios. The plotline's getting impatient.)

What, you too? Fine, but I'm half-assing the whole thing.

(AN: No, you're not.)

 _*Sigh*_ Yeah, you're right.

"Alright! I'm going to jump on the count of three!" I announced. "Then, I will be fish dinner!"

"One!" I got into a crouch as best as I could, inching closer over the edge.

"Two!" I wiggled my butt for dramatic effect. Yes, like in the movies. You should know my habits by now.

" _THR-_ " Just as I was about to jump, break free of my chains and drop down to grab the plank and use it like a springboard, my extremely acute and cool Godly Vision picked up something over the horizon.

I paused, tilting my head to the side in confusion. I couldn't _quite_ see what was coming our way, but it definitely had my interest.

"I'm _waiting._ " Gangplank said.

"I don't particularly mind." Graves commented. "'Least he's postponin' our deaths, eh, T.F.?"

" _SHUT IT!_ You'll be lucky if you even have a proper grave, Graves." Gangplank snapped back. He then chuckled. "Pardon the pun."

Graves looked confused, as did everyone else.

"See, it's 'cause your name, it's...your name is like a grave, it's - I -" He sighed. "Nevermind."

Meanwhile, while that particular voiceline copy-and-paste was going down, I was bouncing on the plank. Mostly to get a better view of what was on the horizon, kind of because I was bored.

Sadly, Gangplank noticed. " ** _IT'S A PLANK, NOT A BLEEDING TRAMPOLINE! JUMP DOWN, YOU BILGERAT!_** " He almost screamed.

"Shut it, Planky, I'm trying to get a view, here." I replied. He was too stunned by my answer to make a comeback. What a shame - we could've started some Pirate Banter, with all the "shiver me timbers" and "dead men tell no tales" you could imagine. Color me disappointed.

I bounced higher and higher, straining my eyes (even as acute as they were) to get a clearer picture of what I was seeing. Half a dozen dark outlines were barely visible through the pouring rain, muddled blurs against the storm's fury.

Ugh, this was _not_ helping. Even if you looked down on a blur, it was still a blur. It didn't really help all that much. I'd need some proper lighting if I was to find out what was coming toward us. Although, I already had a hunch that it wasn't friendly. With my luck, I'd have to knock a few heads together.

Correction: I'd _get_ to knock a few heads together. I almost forgot how much fun punching things can be.

 _CRACK!_

A flash of lightning lit up the thundering night sky, tendrils of electricity zigzagging and jolting their way above the newcomers. They were ships, that much I could tell. And they weren't just any ships - they were _war galleys._ Heavily armed, twice the size of a barge, and with enough gunpowder to level the entirety of Bilgewater. And there were six of them, too.

At first, I was only feeling _slightly_ concerned. War galleys could mean anything, really. They weren't _always_ fighting. They didn't just engage with any old ship they met, of course. They had specific targets. They had to, otherwise all that ammo would be wasted. What'cha gonna do if you run out of gunpowder before engaging your target? Hint: nothing. You're screwed.

Another crack of lighting highlighted the flags hung up on the masts, and the insignias emblazoned on the black backgrounds.

I felt a small surge of anger, coupled with a hint of malevolent glee. "Oh, _Planky..._ " I said with a grin. "You _might_ want to get me out of these chains." I could get out no problem, but every once in a while it's nice to have these sorta people suffer at your expense, right?

"And why exactly would I want to do _that,_ lad?" Gangplank asked, unconvinced.

 _ **B  
O  
O  
M  
!**_

We all heard the shell fire before it even made contact. There was a shrill whistling that followed, which got louder and deeper by the second.

 _ **F  
**_ ** _W  
O  
O  
M  
!_**

I winced as the gigantic mortar shell smashed into the water's surface in front of the ship, just barely missing us. And I do mean _smashed._ You've probably guessed who's out to get us, but they don't play with their weapons. For them, it's either Go Big or Go Home. And they aren't keen on leaving without a decent amount of loot. And severed heads.

A wave of steaming froth exploded from the impact, drenching me in hot water (I was on the edge of the plank, after all) and tossing up razorfish by the dozen. One of them made a clumsy snap at my face as it rocketed past me up into the air, before falling helplessly to the water below.

" _Oh, by the_ _**Bearded Lady** \- WHAT NOW?!_ " Gangplank roared. " _FIRST MY SHIP WAS BLOWN UP WHEN I TRIED TO SINK THE TWO OUTLAWS, AND NOW WHEN I'M TRYING TO HAVE MY FUN WITH A STAR I'M INTERRUPTED **AGAIN?!**_ " Gangplank gets moody when people try to stop him from killing stuff. It doesn't help that killing stuff is his way of relieving stress, either. When it comes to Piratey McPirate, you either watch the death happen or you participate. And Door Number Two isn't a fun option, I can tell you.

Gangplank snatched a spyglass from one of his crew, jabbing it at the advancing ships. He promptly scowled only seconds as his gaze fell on them, giving it back to the man he took it. "I should've _known_ that blasted old crow would come for his ship." He muttered to himself.

" _WEIGH ANCHOR, YOU SWABS!_ " He commanded. " _HOIST THE FLAG_ _, AND SOMEONE GET THAT BILGERAT OUT OF HIS CHAINS!_ "

Yay, freedom!

I think.

I awkwardly bunny-hopped back towards the ship, as it looked like I would be allowed to assist for this next encounter.

"Well, boys, I'm waiting." I said, once I was back on the deck. "C'mon, chop chop, those Noxians aren't really going to give us much time to act, you know!"

Surprise, surprise, Noxian war galleys were all coming at us full steam ahead. In case you hadn't remembered, Swain has a particular vendetta against Gangplank for stealing the _Leviathan._ Personally, I applauded the heist. I'd take Gangplank over Swain any day. Gangplank might be a cruel, cold, heartless maniac, but Swain's nothing but pure evil. Plus, he can turn into a demon bird. Uh, no thanks. At least pirates have fun clichés to mock.

I was willing to bet my life that Swain himself wasn't present. He wouldn't dirty his hands with the small stuff, considering that he had a war to wage. Why waste energy when there are a bunch of perfectly good minions to exploit?

There was another explosion of brine as the Noxian warships fired another shell, this time accompanied by lots and lots of cannonfire. I yelped as I saw a cannonball coming straight at me, allowing myself to fall onto my back. It struck one of the pirates that was attempting to pry my chains loose, and the mess left behind wasn't all that pretty. I felt a shaky heave in my stomach at the sight.

"Oh, _screw this-_ " I ripped my arms free from the chains, tearing the loose links off of my waist and legs. I rolled across the deck as another cannonball struck, biting chunks out of the planking. " _GET THOSE CANNONS LOADED, YOU DOGS!_ " I heard Gangplank order over the wind. " _IF IT'S A FIGHT THOSE FLOUNDERS WANT, IT'S A FIGHT THEY'LL HAVE!_ "

I moved to the main mast of the _Leviathan,_ where the others were still tied up. "Helios, _hurry up and get us out of here!_ " Sarah yelled. " _AND FOR THE LOVE OF GODS, STOP DRAGGING YOUR ASS AND GET MOVING!_ " She'd more or less repeated herself, but I could see that she wasn't in the mood for contradiction.

My hands flared to life, and I swiftly burnt through the ropes holding them in place. "You're good! Let's go!" I said.

"Wait. Where are our weapons?" Sarah asked. "I can't put a bullet in Gangplank's head if there's nothing to shoot with!"

" _What?_ You want to kill him _now?_ " I asked, bewildered. "In case you haven't noticed, we're kind of in the middle of a fight here!"

"We can kill them all and escape, just _get our guns!_ " Sarah rebuffed my protests. "Gangplank's probably hidden them somewhere on the ship. You'll have to-"

"Hold on a second." I replied. " _HEY PLANK, WHERE'S OUR STUFF?!_ " I yelled over my shoulder.

" _BELOWDECKS, NEAR THE BACK!_ " Gangplank replied. " _BY THE **BEARDED LADY,** LADS, GET YOUR ASSES IN MOTION BEFORE NAGAKABOUROS GETS IMPATIENT AND DRAGS YOU ALL UNDER!_ "

"There. Problem solved." I told the shocked bounty hunter. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get our stuff."

I kicked open the hatch, quickly descending the stairs leading belowdecks. I awkwardly and clumsily dodged around cannonball that punched their way through the hull, due to Nidalee's Ninja Hunter Senses. At least, that's what I personally call them. Nidalee didn't give them a name, which just wasn't as dramatic.

"In the back, in the back, in the back..." I hurriedly repeated to myself as I ran through the dimly lit underbelly of the _Leviathan,_ pushing random clutter and gear out of the way. "Why's this ship gotta be so damn _big?_ "

Luckily, our weapons turned out to be easy to find. My axe was still glowing, which acted like a beacon in the darkness. I threw it into its sheathe in my back, gathering up everyone's guns and Rafen's sword in my arms. Graves's shotgun was really big, so it was more than a little difficult to grab everything at once.

Another cannonball whizzed over my head through the wall, and I spat out a myriad cluster of curses in response. I stomped over to the hole created, dropping the guns and sticking my head out into the rain.

" _COULD YOU IDIOTS GIVE A BREAK FOR JUST **ONE DAMN SECOND?!**_ " I screamed. " _YOU'RE REALLY STARTING TO STRESS ME OUT, AND I'VE ALREADY GOT ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH AL_ _-_ "

I stopped.

Why?

Because as the _Leviathan_ moved into combat-ready position, we passed a small patch of land amidst the waves, barely visible through the downpour. It was about the size of a few houses grouped together, and the sand was a dull shade of grey.

And standing there, with the Eye of God wrapped up in one arm, was Illaoi, staring with a calm fierceness as the ensuing battle, nevermind how she got there.

I regarded her sudden appearance, poker-faced.

"...Well. There's our priest." I said to myself. "Now where's that bar?"

* * *

 ** _Well, this should be good. Next chapter, Illaoi's getting introduced, and the ol' gang's gonna have a showdown with a regiment of the Noxian navy! I think you'll enjoy it a lot. Until next time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	39. Illaoi Punches An Eel, Because She Can

_**Alright, FINALLY, it's here! The last chapter of the Bilgewater arc! Normally, I'm not so keen to get a section of my story over with, but this arc, I'll admit, was mostly bland story-wise, so I'm just hoping to go out with a bang, I guess. This chapter, we'll introduce Illaoi, and I've gotten a good enough handle on her character as a whole to figure out how she's going to react to Helios's general request for aid against Noxus. Then, after this, it's the THREE PART SHOWDOWN, which is gonna be LEGIT. ...Maybe. You know how it is, writing stories. Putting stuff down and publishing it is a lot different from dreaming it up in the first place. I already know how most of it's going to go down, but there's STILL some small room for modification, so if there's something that you**_ ** _think would be cool to see, I'm all ears! No request is too crazy, considering that "crazy" fits Helios's life perfectly. I can't guarantee that I'll accept your request, but I'm always willing to consider the options presented to me. So, again, please leave a review so that I know what you all thought of this, and I sincerely hope you enjoy this last chapter before things get serious._**

 ** _I should also probably mention that next chapter might be more of a transition chapter then the actual brawl. Just to let you know. So, technically, there might still be one more chapter after this._**

 ** _Another thing: Wanna talk with me on Discord? Use the link here, but add discord .com:_** /BWpaKr9

 ** _Also, by the time you're reading this, two days will have passed since May 23rd. My birthday. So happy late birthday to me!_**

 ** _NOW LET'S GET THIS ON!_**

* * *

What word would I use to describe Illaoi?

Complicated.

She might be incredibly badass, but she also has the tendency to not really give a shit about anything. And this is one of the things you don't really see coming with your disciples. It's the same way with Nagakabouros. Us gods don't really know what to expect when we start a fanclub. We just kind of assume that everything's going to be just fine and dandy at first, but then things get weird and suddenly people who don't like you are henceforth "heretics." I mean, what the _hell?_ Do you people know how embarrassing that is to watch? Now when people think of the religious assholes, they'll think of _you._ And trust me when I say that is _not_ good PR.

Anyways, Naga's got it particularly bad when it comes to _her_ peeps. For one thing, she encourages people to follow their heart's desires. Now, I know you think it sounds like that statement's _full_ of loopholes, and you know what? You're absolutely right. Originally, the message was "follow your dreams." Sounds pretty positive, right? The seas can be pretty inspiring, after all. Why not present something that reflects that? But then, somewhere along the line the zealots had the idea that she really meant "follow your desires," which meant that if your desire was to, say, murder someone and swipe all their stuff, it was perfectly okay.

At that point Naga realized that she'd made a _very_ big oopsie.

The kind of of oopsie that tarnishes your reputation for centuries.

Illaoi's the prime example of this. It doesn't help that she's even more stubborn than _me,_ either, so there's really no use getting to her. If she was a teacher in a high school and saw a bully beating up the class nerd (and don't go doing that; I'm watching you), she'd give the bully a pat on the back for doing what he loved, which is completely missing the point of that whole exchange.

See what I mean? Complicated.

So, naturally, when I saw her standing there on that little speck of land near the ship, leisurely taking in the sight of the naval carnage before her, I had two separate reactions.

One:

 _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STANDING THERE FOR?! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT WE'RE IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE, WOMAN?!_

Well, maybe I wouldn't say that to Illaoi's face. I dunno if you can even call her a woman or not. I don't think I've ever seen a woman that buff before. *Sigh* Nevermind, I'll continue.

Two:

 _Damn, that's badass. Why'd Naga get the cool priest?_

(Leona just smacked the back of my head with her shield. It hurts a lot more than you'd think. And you know that I was only kidding, Leona. I'll take lasers over tentacles any day.)

So, without further ado, I just picked up everyone's weapons with my gravity powers (that moment when a dramatic appearance actually has you taking things seriously for once) and raced back the way I came. I didn't even stop to make a reference or mock anybody or anything. I just got my rear in gear and went.

I peeked my head out of the hatch to discover that things had more or less dissolved into chaos. Good. Nothing unusual happened while I was away. The deck was getting a good scrubbing with seawater, and Gangplank was barking out orders to his crew. Meanwhile, while bombs and mortar shells exploded all around them, Sarah was busy rummaging around for things to kill him with, while Rafen attempted to yank her back by the collar of her shirt. Only Sarah doesn't actually _have_ a collar on her shirt, so he had to hold her back by the straps near her...well. You know.

I daresay that Rafen wasn't really complaining about the situation he was in.

(Sarah's threatening to shoot me know. But I can dodge bullets, so I don't feel like taking that seriously.)

Graves was actually manning the cannons, or rather, the cannons were manning _him._ He'd actually pulled a cannon off its stand and was using it as a makeshift shotgun, although it was way heavier and way harder to load. Tobias was helping the other crewmembers with the cannons that were still bolted down, while the rest of Sarah's crew appeared to put their differences aside with Gangplank's crew in order to get out of the whole thing alive. Smart people.

"Here are your guns. Have fun. And Sarah, if you don't quit it I'm going to put you in the corner." I said, then turned to notice a cannonball coming straight at my head. I casually ducked, feeling it brush over my head and ruin my haircut. In a fit of divine rage, I vaporized the cannonball with Eye Lasers. I had to capitalize that to emphasize how awesome it was.

And since cannonballs were the theme of the day, I proceeded to run over the side of the ship and tuck into a cannonball, hitting the water with a _splash_ , which is the typical sound to make when diving, and all that. When I broke the surface, and swam around the edge of the ship (it wasn't hard; it was already moving away from me), I found that Illaoi was still there, and hadn't budged an inch. She didn't even look like she'd noticed my presence. Illaoi's also kinda funny like that. She's not really a big fan of anything other than Nagakabouros, which makes for some...interesting conversations, to say the least. You kinda feel like you really aren't getting anywhere, and sometimes she'll mock your lack of masculinity, if you're a guy. I really oughta find out where Naga finds these people. I could use a bit of extra hired help.

I swam up to the shore, wringing most of the saltwater out of my clothing. I really need to stop jumping into oceans. The salt gets itchy after a while. I awkwardly walked up behind her, and she didn't so much as turn her head to look at me. She grunted, though, as she watched the _Leviathan_ score a shot on one of the Noxian war galleys.

"You look like dried gull dung." She said at last, startling me as I approached. "You prepared poorly for the fury of the seas."

"Well, I'm in a bit of a rush, so I'm not really in the mood for planning." I drily replied, which was ironic, because I was already soaking wet again. If only my body could be as dry as my with at that moment.

Illaoi snorted. "That is no excuse for diving with a rag over your eyes, Helios. You either arm yourself against the storm, or drown beneath the waves. The sea has no tolerance for fools."

"And yet here I am." I replied, stopping to her right.

"And yet here you are." Illaoi acknowledged. "Perhaps your thick head is more useful than I gave credit for."

"Said the pot to the kettle." I replied with a smirk. Illaoi chuckled.

"Maybe." We watched in silence afterwards, following the progress of Gangplank's defense. He fought like a demon (and believe me when I say that - I've _known_ demons over the years, and they'd be impressed), roaring like a lion as he lit cannons and slit throats, the deck of the _Leviathan_ becoming littered with Noxian corpses. At some point, they had attempted to board, but their grapples and lines never held up for long against the Saltwater Scourge. Sarah herself was doing some impressive work, Shock and Awe quickly blowing holes in any stragglers still standing. She danced and sprung around swords and spears, cannonfire erupting all around her to envelop her in a fiery red glow. Things got even more interesting when Nautilus showed up, occasionally leaping out of the water to swing his anchor. He had terrible aim, though.

However, the Noxians weren't completely outmatched. They had the advantage of numbers, and as they got closer and closer they began to circle around the _Leviathan,_ making it difficult for the ship's cannons to focus on one primary target.

"We...should probably help them." I winced.

"Yes. You should." Illaoi agreed...kinda.

"Right." I nodded, not really paying attention. "Let's go."

I stomped off towards the scene a few steps, then faltered, as Illaoi's reply ran itself through my head a few times. "You're not coming?" I asked, turning back around to face her.

"No. I am not." She replied bluntly.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because I couldn't care less about your war, Helios." Illaoi glowered. "To put it simply, I don't want to."

"But the ship-"

"Gangplank's crewmembers mean nothing to me." Illaoi replied. "They wave guns and swords around and pretend to be men, but as soon as they bite off a catch too big for them, they cower and flee." She scoffed. "They will get no sympathy from me."

"And Gangplank?" I was starting to get more than a little annoyed. "What about him?"

"He passed my test. He is in motion. If he lives, then he will be king, as he promised. If not, then the razorfish can gnaw at his bones. I won't shed tears for a man who offers nothing to God." Illaoi said. "It doesn't help that he's on the lesser side of my favor at the moment. He has been tested. Now I must find others who will accept."

It took me a minute to piece together what she meant. " _You-_ " My hair blazed, a look of fierce outrage adorning my features. "You would actually help _Noxus,_ after all they've done? My granddaughter's home is under _siege_ by these animals, and you're willing to turn a blind eye and look the other way?"

"Oh, _child,_ I couldn't give an _eel's tongue_ about your _Demacia._ " Illaoi replied, almost sounding exasperated. "What do Demacians know about following their heart's desires? All they ever do is make sacrifice after sacrifice, with little regard for what it is _they_ want." She scowled. "Remind me how long it took for Garen Crownguard to seek love in Katarina Du Couteau."

"A year and a half." I muttered. "But that isn't the point! Noxians-"

"Fight. Kill. _Conquer._ " Illaoi smiled menacingly, and I didn't like the look of it one bit. Her eyes had always been an eerie shade of lime-green, and the way they seemed to glow in the stormy night sky didn't make me feel any more comfortable. " _They_ understand what it is to follow the heart. They are in _motion._ Many on those galleys demand my attention. It is the will of Nagakabouros that I fulfill my duty and test their will."

"Yeah? What about Sarah?" I asked. "You've been itching to 'test' her for a while, now, haven't you?" Illaoi was _really_ starting to piss me off. I was going to take that idol of hers and ram it down her throat, at the rate things were dropping into a downspiral.

"She didn't kill Gangplank when she had the chance, and she paid the price for it." Illaoi said dismissively. "If she is that naïve, then I have no interest in giving a death sentence to a fool."

"So...what? You're going to help Noxus instead of us?" I demanded angrily, my hair blazing white-hot. "You're going to throw all of their lives away just so you can _test a bunch of thugs?!_ "

"Child, don't be stupid, I'm not going to hold their hand and coddle them the whole way." Illaoi snorted. "I'm not their mother. If they are to follow their heart's desires, they must do it themselves. I have no interest in handing their innermost desires to them on a silver platter. I'd sooner shove it down their throats."

"Oh, that's _so_ _helpful, thanks._ " I replied sarcastically, glaring. "Shut up and get your ass moving. I'm not in the mood for one of your sermons."

A fist rammed into my jaw, and I flew onto my back, tasting blood in my mouth. I wiped as much as I could off my lips, glowering. Illaoi's one of the only few people strong enough to actually draw blood on me. The others include Braum, Renekton, Syndra, etc.

"I'm not one for sermons, Helios, you should know that." Illaoi stood over me, unimpressed. "Broken bones teach much better lessons. And perhaps the lesson I should teach you today is that only _Nagakabouros_ has the authority to command me."

"I'm your _boss's boss, Illaoi._ " I spat. "If anything, I _do_ have authority over you, and right now you are _testing_ me." We all know what happens when people get on my nerves. It's been established multiple times since I started this thing.

"That's the _idea,_ Helios." Illaoi replied. "And if my god really kneels to you, then why hasn't the Mother Serpent shown herself to command me?"

That...was a good question, actually. Normally, gods freak out when their disciples start trashing my reputation. It doesn't end well for the disciples, needless to say, but it was nice that they stood up for me.

"Nagakabouros will not help you here." Illaoi continued. "Even if she is indeed your servant, she will adhere to her own laws. Man up and convince me yourself, Helios. If you truly want me to aid you, there must be something you can give me that would be good enough incentive."

"What exactly do you mean?" I asked, standing up.

"Did the cannonfire dull your ears, Helios, or are you just _touched in the head?_ " She asked, rolling her eyes. Then she stared right into my eyes, emotionless and unforgiving. "What could you possibly give me that would make me want to help you?"

"What?" Maybe I really _was_ touched in the head. A lot of people have been saying that, but I didn't really believe them. To be fair, I was still getting over the fact that she'd had the gall to punch me in the face. It _hurt._

"If I want something, I take it. If I hate something, I destroy it." Illaoi said. "And right now, I don't care what the outcome of the battle is. What could you offer me that would make me _want_ to help your friends? What could you give me to make me _hate_ Noxus?"

I didn't reply for a few minutes, thinking. What _could_ I give her? For Graves and Tobias, I'd promised loot. Illaoi didn't care much for wealth. Nagakabouros was apparently all she needed to have a fulfilling and happy life. For Sarah, it was the opportunity to score some bounties. Plenty of people in Noxus are wanted in Bilgewater. Sarah would be _dying_ to have a shot at all of them. But _Illaoi?_ What could Demacia, the representation of all she despised (being generous and selfless, instead of doing what you wanted), possibly offer her?

But...what could _I_ offer her?

What did she _want?_

Then, something she said a minute earlier bounced back into my head.

 _That's the **idea,** Helios. _She'd said.

I sighed in frustration. "Fine. I'll do it."

"Do what?" She was in the mood for one of those games. I wasn't.

"I'll take your stupid test." I elaborated. "And if I pass, then you _help._ "

" _Yes._ " Illaoi looked positively thrilled, but not in a good way. It was no secret that my soul was something she'd been wanting to test for a _long_ time. The chance to test the mettle of a god was too enticing to resist, and hey, Naga wanted people to "follow their heart's desires," and she _desired_ to play around with my soul (honestly, that part's disturbing), so why not give it a go?

I stood up, squaring my knees and bracing myself. "Alright. I'm ready. Hit me with your best shot."

Illaoi grinned. She took the Eye of God in both hands, holding it up towards the sky with the face looking at me.

" _ **BEHOLD!**_ " She boomed.

The Eye of God began to glow. Tentacles curled and snaked into existence around the stone, before lunging at my chest.

 _Oh, this is gonna hurt._ I thought to myself, wincing.

 _ **H  
**_ _ **R  
**_ ** _O  
O  
O  
O  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
R  
R  
R  
R  
!_**

I instantly whipped around, snatching the tentacles out of the air. They went limp in my grip, as if they were aware of my authority over them.

" _The hell...?_ " I whispered.

To my astonishment, the Noxians were backing off. They widened the circle around the _Leviathan,_ before completely breaking off, sailing away through the storm.

"Did they just...leave?" I remarked, confused.

I dropped the tentacles from my fist, and they didn't even bother to finish their job, retreating back into the Eye of God.

"We're not done yet." I told Illaoi. I ran back to the ship at light-speed, vaulting up the rigging and stopping on the deck. I looked around for any sign of further conflict, but no one looked ready to fight. They _did_ look just as confused as I was, however.

"What the _hell_ just happened?" I asked, striding towards Sarah. "Why'd they leave?"

"Why would I know?!" She replied. "It's not like I wanted to go over and _ask_ them!"

"Cold feet, maybe?" Graves suggested.

"They had the ship completely surrounded, and were about to light it up like a matchstick. I _highly_ doubt that it was cold feet." I replied, going over to the railing to watch the last ship fade into a silhouette over the horizon.

"Well, we won, didn't we?" Tobias asked. "What's the use in figurin' out why?"

"Because they didn't leave because they were _losing,_ lad." Gangplank snarled, wiping blood off his cutlass. "In all my seafaring days, the only time people after my head gave up was after I'd taken too many heads."

"Something doesn't feel right..." I said. "If I know Swain, he'll always go for the kill. He doesn't take prisoners, not when it's inconvenient for him. He leaves no survivors, no trace of resistance. This doesn't feel like the way he'd do things."

"Forget how he'd do things." Sarah said. "If those ships come back, we're sitting ducks. We should get back to Bilgewater and resupply."

"But _not,_ however..." Shock promptly swiveled towards Gangplank's face. "Before I mount your _head_ on my wall."

Gangplank's crew immediately snapped to attention, drawing their weapons. Sarah's crew did the same, accompanied by Graves, Tobias and Nautilus. Gangplank didn't look particularly intimidated, regarding the Titan of the Depths with a look that almost seemed _bland._

"So, we're going to settle it here, lass? Is that it, then?" He asked.

"Damn right it is." Sarah replied. "I didn't get to properly finish the job last time. I'd like to fix that mistake."

"Uh, guys? Maybe we could discuss this later?" I suggested. "I mean, three fully armed Noxian war galleys just went into full retreat for no reason, maybe we should...continue figuring out _why?_ "

"Why waste time wasting thoughts when I can be collecting bounties?" Sarah asked, pulling the hammer back on her pistol. "I think you know how much your dead body's worth, Gangplank. I wouldn't mind cashing in on it a second time."

"You couldn't kill me before, Fortune, and I'll be _damned_ if you kill me now." Gangplank sneered. "Let's do this the old-fashioned way. No crews, no cannons, just the two of us with our weapons and wits to carry us."

"I did something similar with the captain of a Noxian ship I captured, a while back." He continued. "Trial by combat. Whoever wins gets the entirety of the spoils the other possesses."

"How stupid do you think I am?" Sarah asked. "You'd rather piss in your own hat rather than play fair. As soon as it looks like you're losing, you'll play dirty."

"I be a man of my word, Fortune, that much I pride myself on." Gangplank replied. "People don't fear me for _cheating,_ lass. They fear me because I can crush a man's throat like a seashell."

These two were going to go on for a while, so I left them to it and went to hop over the side of the boat. It would be more productive to get Illaoi's test over with. I wasn't fond of the idea of getting my soul torn to shreds, but hey, my granddaughter's future depended on how much support I brought to Demacia's defense. Gangplank and Sarah would probably still be arguing by the time I got back. Maybe then Illaoi would be able to smack some sense into them.

(AN: From what I understand, Illaoi's mostly just tired of everyone's shit when it's related to what she believes in. It's like she can't believe how stupid everyone else is.)

I lazily vaulted over the side, diving into the smooth, slimy, scaly sea. That oddly smelled like a rat had decided to crawl its way up my nose and die.

Wait...

I pried my face off the unusually stick surface, gripping and prodding at the material. The sea _definitely_ wasn't like that. I mean, sure, pond scum's a real pain, but it isn't _sticky._ Doesn't really smell like much either. Plus, it only exists in ponds. I made sure of that.

I felt the rough scratch of leather underneath my palms, and I looked down to see various straps and cords wrapping around the serpentine figure I was kneeling on, attached to black patches of serrated, jagged armor. They opened up to reveal even _more_ serrated and even _more_ jagged spinal fins, bits of debris and wreckage impaled on the ends.

The serpentine mass was slowly coiling around the ship, so much so that it couldn't even be heard. The body dipped underwater, hiding both ends from view, but it didn't matter. I already knew what it belonged to.

 _ **S  
** **M  
A  
S  
H  
!**_

The giant snake suddenly squeezed, and the ship immediately caved in, reduced to a pile of splinters and rigging. The deck was still intact, judging by the cries of alarm (and a few hints of urine, oddly), but nobody really had time to react, due to the gigantic-

 _ **F  
**_ _ **W  
**_ ** _O  
O  
M  
!_**

A massive head erupted from the water, taking what remained of the _Leviathan_ with it. My foot snagged in the rigging, and I found myself being flung upwards along with the ship.

" _SON OF A- THE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL?!_ " I screamed, momentarily weightless in the air. I flailed and flapped as I soared, squawking like a seagull. After hitting around four hundred feet, I paused midair, pivoting back towards the sea as gravity took its hold on me.

And stared straight into the one-of-a-kind, ugly-as-hell mug that belonged to Baron Nashor.

"I hate it when my suspicions are right." I muttered to myself.

* * *

Swain, you _sly, sly bastard._

And here I was, hoping that I'd never have to see Baron Nashor again after that first encounter on the Rift. Good _gods,_ he was just as ugly as I remembered. Three mouths, all of them spitting acid, too many eyes than deemed acceptable, and on top of all that his breath was _still_ the worst thing my nose had ever encountered.

Oh, and then there was the armor. Swain had clearly prepped the good ol' Baron for war. Black armor plating clung to Nashor's face and body, offering added protection while giving him a new edge. Literally. Every single piece of armor was razor sharp. Sliding along that plating would be like scraping your butt across a cheese grater. In hindsight, I should've considered this. Swain never liked to dispose of anything that could prove to be useful. He must've captured the Baron before burning the place to the ground. Smart move. I _hate it_ when the bad guys are smart!

Baron Nashor, due to his stunning lack of intelligence, didn't waste any time gloating about how we'd fallen into his trap. As soon as we'd hit the deck, which was all that remained of the ship (how many ships have we lost now?), he was on top of us with his smaller twin jaws, spraying acid in torrents. His acid is way more corrosive than typical acid, and a lot of people present didn't survive the spray, screaming as they were melted into puddles.

" _NO!_ " Sarah cried, proceeding to unload her pistols into the Void monster. He reeled back with a screech, but the bullets themselves weren't puncturing his armor. Nashor roared, lunging for the Bounty Hunter, but Graves had her covered. Collateral Damage is one helluva show-stopper, to be sure. The explosive round hit the Void serpent with enough force to puncture a hole in an aircraft carrier, and _this_ time Nashor didn't like it one bit. It ripped a chunk of armor of his (I'm just calling him a "he" because there's no way in hell that it's a girl) face, and cauterized one of his dual mouths. Nashor screeched again (that's the only language it speaks), then dived back underwater.

"Since when can this thing _swim?!_ " Sarah asked. "Helios?! Any explanations to offer?!"

" _WOMAN, I WAS NOT THE IDIOT WHO DESIGNED THIS ASSHOLE, SO I DON'T REALLY KNOW EITHER!_ " I yelled in reply. " _WHY DON'T YOU ASK MALZAHAR THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM?!_ " I was in a bit of a mood. I hated having to fight Nashor the first time around, and he was just plain disgusting as a bonus.

"Where'd the damned thing go?" Rafen asked, as we all retreated into a circle with our backs to each other. Gangplank and Sarah were next to each other, but for once they didn't care. "Is this what it's like all the time, cap'n?"

"Oh, just wait until you hear about the shenanigans." I allowed myself a moment of humor...as always. "I mean, there was this one time when Ahri and I snuck Sparks into Viktor's room-"

Strangely enough, it wasn't my friends telling me to shut up that interrupted me.

Nashor burst out of the water again, landing directly on the deck. We all wobbled as the force kicked up waves that rippled all around us, making the whole scene look like one big plate of jello. Bad analogy, I know, but you get what I mean.

Then, Nashor _rolled,_ becoming the world's ugliest and deadliest steamroller. " _DOWN!_ " I shouted, and we all dropped to the floor as Nashor bounced over us, although his spinal plates caught a few unlucky souls that didn't react as quickly as we did, instantly getting torn in half.

Nashor rolled back into the ocean, this time electing to circle around the boat, spines dipping in and out of the waves while guttural growls and snorts came from the beast's throat. He was hungry, and I was willing to bet that all that time spent imprisoned at the Institute had worked up his appetite.

The Void serpent emerged behind us, rearing up to fire another jet of acid. I pushed everyone out of the way, and my palms ignited shortly after, meeting the stream of corrosive liquid with a torrent of flame. Good _gods,_ burning acid smells bad. Even worse than regular acid.

I forced the current of acid back until it was right in front of Nashor's face, then suddenly angled my hands, redirecting the jet into Nashor's eyes. Nashor roared, flailing his head furiously from what I assumed was a very painful experience. The acid had also melted some of his armor, so now it was merged with his face in hot, sticky clumps.

Of course, this didn't really make things easier for us.

Nashor jerked back from the platform, then spun, using his tail to kick up a _gigantic_ wave that soared dozens of feet high, angled towards us in order to put us under.

"I've got it!" I said, unsheathing my axe. As soon as the wave was close enough, I swung upwards, cleaving it in half and churning it into steaming froth.

For a moment, I felt like a badass, as I usually did.

Turns out, that wave was just a distraction.

The second the wave slumped back into the sea, I was greeted with the all-too-unpleasant sight of Nashor's gaping maw, bearing down on us as he charged the deck, driving a line straight through the planking.

Aw, _hell._

Nashor roared, frothing at the mouth.

And jerked to the side just as a glowing blue tentacle bitch-slapped him in the face.

Nashor skidded off the platform and back into the sea, leaving us with only a quarter of the limited space we'd had before.

Just then, I heard a dull, low whine ring through my head, followed by a crippling headache. At first I thought it was the stress finally getting to me, but then I felt something similar to grains of sand sliding along my skin, and I heard a voice echo through my mind. It was a deep baritone, yet oddly feminine, and I grinned as I realized who I was hearing.

 _It is the duty of my Truth Bearer to defend the mainland from the dark beyond._ Nagakabouros said. _For now, this includes the Voidborn._

"Oh, please, you just don't want your boss to die, do you?" I retorted. "Only reason you'd start talking for the first time in a while."

 _In some part, it is as you say, Lord Helios. But...there is also the fact that Voidborn are generally unpleasant._ Nagakabouros replied.

"Nice to see that we're on the same page, Naga." I said with a smirk.

 _Always, Lord Helios._

"Oh, so _now_ you decide to step in." Gangplank rolled his eyes. "Your timing is terrible, as always."

"Gangplank, you old bastard, you're hardly in any position to insult me." Illaoi replied. "Despite passing my trial, you can't even be left alone without getting yourself fed to the first sea monster that swims your way. I expected better of you. Nagakabouros has no patience for failed attempts to deliver."

The old pirate looked properly chastised.

"Now, what has my god ordered me to dispose of?" Illaoi grunted, unimpressed at the sight of Nashor. "Is this all? I slayed greater serpents as a _child!_ "

I don't know if Nashor really understood what she said or not, but he was already angry, so it didn't matter. He was already coming at us again, but I wasn't so sure the odds were in his favor.

"Nagakabouros has instructed me to refrain from testing you, but only until Noxus is defeated." Illaoi turned back to me, disregarding the several hundred tons of _HOLY SHIT_ coming her way. "But don't try to run when it's all over, child. I _will_ find you. And then I'll rip your heart from your chest."

"Uh...Illaoi? Behind you?" I said.

"Never mind the shrimp, it will be dealt with soon enough." Illaoi replied. "Are we _clear?_ "

"Yeah, sure, whatever, just...you know. Can you save all our lives now?" I asked.

Illaoi sighed, then turned around to slam the Eye of God into Nashor's face just as he was about to make her filet mignon. One of the Voidborn's gigantic fangs snapped off, leaving a bloodied stump in its place. "This isn't even worth my time. Only because Nagakabouros has commanded it will I obey." Illaoi sneered, advancing on Nashor as he recovered. He opened up his second jaw to fire another torrent of acid, intending to corrode her flesh as he had done the others. Illaoi held the Eye of God out in front of her, and the acid hissed and spat against the stone surface, which served as a shield for the Kraken Priestess. She didn't so much as flinch, continuing to advance.

Once the acid stopped coming, Illaoi took the Eye of God in both hands and _threw_ it, right into Nashor's second mouth. Teeth shattered as it wedged itself firmly within the maw, the jaw stretched to its limit with the idol's size. Illaoi then picked up the fang that she'd snapped off, and impaled it through the second mouth, acid spewing from the seams. Nashor screamed, and at this point I was almost starting to feel bad for the poor guy. This really wasn't fair.

"Oh, _do shut up._ " Illaoi snapped. "It won't do you any good to _whine._ "

Illaoi punched Nashor where I assumed its gut was, causing Nashor's limp second mouth to release the Eye of God from its grip. She caught the idol as it fell, then bashed the Voidborn with it in the nose, shattering the remaining armor around his head that wasn't grafted to his face.

Illaoi locked her idol in one arm, then grabbed Nashor's neck with the other, and despite his massive size, Illaoi somehow managed to get him in a headlock. Those muscles aren't just for show, I guess.

"I don't even need a net or a spear to capture you within my grip." Illaoi said. "At the Institute of War, they may have called you a monster, but in Buhru, we would have called you _dinner._ "

She rammed Nashor's face into the deck, hard enough that he went completely through the planking, disappearing into the ocean and leaving a murky red cloud behind. Or rather, murky _green._ Nashor doesn't have the same blood color as humans do, but then again who could've guessed, right?

Nashor apparently wasn't done just yet, as for the bajillionth time he surged out of the water, baring what few teeth he had left. He roared, blowing Illaoi's hair back and nearly throwing the rest of us off our feet, but Illaoi and I had one advantage: 'dem muscles. Illaoi herself looked right into Nashor's jaws as he, ah, _whined,_ regarding him with a raised eyebrow.

"Nagakabouros may encourage the inhabitants of the universe, but all you seem to desire is _food._ " She said. "It's not even desire at that, only instinct. You're far too stupid to even understand the _meaning_ of desire."

Nashor lunged, for the last time, because what happens next is _legit._

Tentacles rose up from the sea, locking around the Voidborn's body before he could get any further. He stopped just inches from Illaoi's face, roaring bloody murder and screeching for blood. Or maybe he wanted someone to get the melted metal crap off his face, I dunno.

"If it's _food_ you want..." Illaoi walked back to the main mast, which had been snapped in half after Nashor crushed the _Leviathan._ "Then this should be more than enough to satisfy you."

"And I _heavily_ frown upon those who can be satisfied." Illaoi grabbed the mast with both hands after setting the Eye of God at her feet, then squeezed. She yanked the whole thing up from the deck, wrapping it in both arms.

Nashor roared.

And that was the last mistake he ever made.

Illaoi charged, thrusting the mast straight into his mouth. The end was sharp enough and sturdy enough that it went straight through his mouth and out threw his skull, fully impaling the Voidborn.

Nashor jerked and shuddered, a few drops of saliva and acid sputtering from his jaws.

Then, he flopped to the deck, and slowly slid off until he was completely swallowed up by the sea.

I blinked.

"Damn." I said. "When can I get _Leona_ to do that?"

"So...what now?" Sarah asked.

Everyone turned to me expectantly.

"Um...how about we wait until we get back to Bilgewater...?" I suggested.

* * *

"Well?" Sarah asked. "You should probably go up now."

We'd arrived back in Bilgewater the following morning, and Sarah had gotten everybody brand new ships (with some _very_ convincing encouragement for the sellers to give them to her from Gangplank). We stood on the deck of the one Sarah had claimed as her own, and for the moment, she and Gangplank had agreed to a truce, mainly because they both wanted to kick Swain in the balls. Or shoot, stab, you get the point. They weren't feeling picky. Of course, their crews, and Bilgewater's navy, still had to be convinced to join in.

"Hm?" I grunted, not paying attention as I sat on a barrel. "Oh, right."

"Alright, listen up!" I said, standing up and rubbing the back of my head nervously while they all watched. "Um...you're a bunch of _dirty misfits,_ but you're all that's left so I guess you'll have to do."

Sarah, Graves, Tobias, Gangplank, Nautilus and Illaoi all collectively facepalmed.

"So, here's what you're getting into: my granddaughter's home, Demacia, is getting attacked by a giant scary emo crow-man. My granddaughter's half-dragon, by the way, which is really cool, so if any of you have kids, they're totally inadequate compared to mine." I was already off to a great start, wasn't I?

"I've already visited the people in the Freljord and Ionia, and they already said yes to helping out, so according to peer pressure you all need to help too." They all looked confused. Hey, it isn't _my_ fault I'm bad at motivational speeches.

"And these Noxians are really bad. I mean, _really, really_ bad. They tried to kill Gangplank, which now that I think about it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but some of you people here care, so I'm just going to pretend that I care too. They also used Baron Nashor against us, which I consider really offensive because he was ugly. We killed him, though, so it's all good."

"Here's another important thing: if Noxus wins, everything'll be gone, because they'll, uh...take it. Your stuff, my stuff, but most importantly..." I gestured to myself. " _My stuff._ Oh, and my friends and family. And believe me when I say that I am _not_ going to miss my granddaughter's wedding because all of you idiots were too lazy to get off your asses and work."

"So if I don't see you out there, I'll kill you myself." I half-unsheathed my axe, glaring at all of them to get my point across. Some members of the audience widened their eyes. Others gulped. Most of them just took it in stride.

"And, y'know, worst-case scenario, you die." I continued. "But who knows? Maybe you _won't._ " You're supposed to look on the bright side of things, right? I think I nailed it in that regard.

" _SO WHO'S READY TO DO THIS AND FREAKING RISK YOUR LIVES FOR PEOPLE YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW, HUH GUYS?!_ " I threw one fist into the air as a symbol of triumph. " _YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!_ "

They were all silent, regarding me with skepticism and shaking their heads, unconvinced.

"Really, guys? No one?" I asked, dismayed.

"That speech was _terrible,_ child." Illaoi said. "A drunken _fish_ talks better than you."

What was I missing? I felt like I covered all the points needed. What did I need to add?

Oh. Motivation. Right.

"Also - _THERE WILL BE A TON OF **LOOT!**_ " I announced.

The crowd burst into tumultuous applause, cheers, whistles and exclamations of excitement accompanying the display.

"Ah, yeah, right?" I spread my arms, reveling in my success amid the celebration. "That's what I thought!"

I grinned to myself.

Time to head back home.

* * *

 _ **After this: transition chapter, with family fluff and preparation stuff, as well as Drill Sergeant Helios. And then...IT BEGINS.**_


	40. I Finally Get A Break

_**Alright, alright, ALRIGHT, ladies and gentlemen, we are almost there! This is the last transition chapter you'll ever have to see, and then we're getting to the good stuff! Some of you might know some of the stuff that's going to happen, and I encourage you to keep it hush-hush at them moment. Let the fans find out for themselves, you know? So! Here's what's going on for this chapter: reunions, Helios Things, and above all, HELIOS THINGS. What else? The action's only starting next week. So buckle up, boys and girls, even if it's prematurely, because it's gonna be lit! Theoretically. I mean, it's gonna be a pretty big thing. I just have to work out all the kinks, bells, whistles, etc.**_

 _ **Wow.**_

 _ **You know, it's kinda crazy how close we are, isn't it? I started this thing in August, and I'm definitely proud of it. At first, I thought this wasn't going to be nearly as popular as it is now. I was hoping for it, sure, but it's still nuts to see how far we've come. So thank you. All of you. This has been a blast to write, and I hope you enjoy whatever stories I write in the future. Now read on, ladies and gentlemen, because once again, we're almost there.**_

* * *

 _Sun is shining in the sky  
_

 _There ain't a cloud in sight_

 _It's stopped rainin', everybody's in a play_

 _And don't you know_

 _It's a beautiful new day, he-ey_

 _Runnin' down the avenue_

 _See how the sun shines brightly in the city_

 _On the streets where once was pity_

 _Mr. Blue Sky is living here today, hey-ey-ey_

 _Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why_

 _You had to hide away for so long-_

"What the hell is this music?" Katarina grumbled. "Turn it off."

Ellis glared at the Sinister Blade (it was way too badass of a nickname to toss) from where he sat perched up against a tree, with Sona's head in his lap. "I'm sorry - care to repeat that?"

"You heard me. It's garbage." Katarina replied. "Find something better or turn it off."

"Uh, Katarina, maybe you shouldn't-" Garen protested, but by then she'd already set Ellis off.

The summoner whistled.

The colossal Hextech cannon on the next hill over suddenly swiveled its barrel to face the Demacian assassin (feels weird to say, doesn't it?), the muzzle at the end beginning to glow a fiery orange.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I didn't mean that!" Katarina frantically apologized. "Your music's fine, just turn the damn thing off!"

Ellis clicked his tongue, and the cannon powered down, resuming its original position.

It'd been a week since I returned to Demacia, and good _gods,_ it was great to be back! I'd missed everyone terribly, especially Shyvana, Jarvan, Ellis, Leona and Pantheon. Shyvana'd almost _tackled_ me in a hug, and I'd spun her around in the air affectionately as we both laughed. Of course, it was right in front of the King, but hey, who cares? Screw that guy, right? Especially since his reactions to Syndra, Zed, Jhin and Gangplank were...less than positive. He was just about ready to explode, but then the Queen dragged him away by the ear because she was just about _done,_ and after a few minutes they came back and he seemed calmer, for certain reasons. After that, it'd been strategize, strategize, strategize, until _I_ was about ready to explode. Eventually, Queen Catherine noticed my irritation, and suggested to her husband that everyone should probably at least get one day off, because it wouldn't be of any help if all of us were tearing our hair out when Noxus marched up to the front door.

Which is how we wound up on a hill on the city outskirts, doing nothing at all. Me, Raka, Jarvan, Shyvana, Garen, Katarina, Ellis, Sona, Leona, and Pantheon. Ashe, Tryndamere and Karma were used to political issues, so they would help the King further. The champions from Bilgewater and the Freljord decided to hit the local bars, and try the wine. They were apparently disappointed (called it pisswater), but Gragas had them covered with Graggy Ice. Ahri went on a shopping spree at all the boutiques and clothing departments available in the city, while Yasuo, Riven, Lee, Wukong and Yi all went to do some sparring, because that's just how they are. Quinn, Talon and Valor went off doing gods-know-what, and Sejuani was put in charge of maintaining the troops while all of us were on break. She doesn't do breaks. Not when there are butts to be whipped into shape. Apparently even the Rakkor were having a hard time keeping up with her. And Syndra, Zed, Shen, Akali and their respective ninja orders...well, who knows. They did their own thing most of the time. Everyone else was either busy or doing whatever. I don't know. I didn't feel like keeping track of everybody. I think Lux was practicing combat maneuvers or something with the rest of the Star Guardians, but like I said, I didn't feel like keeping track.

Jhin was given a canvas and an easel and told to occupy himself with painting.

He pouted in response, but got over it eventually.

"Maybe next time don't insult the music that belongs to the guy controlling all the defense systems." Ellis suggested drily.

"The music isn't so bad, Katarina." Sona giggled. "I like that it's so upbeat."

"But it's _old._ " Katarina complained. "Get with the times, will you?"

"Why would I want to do that?" Ellis asked. "This is basically most music nowadays-"

And then, completely off-tune, he sang: " _OH, **GIRL,** I WANT YOUR BOOOOOOOODYYYYY! YOU'RE LOOKING SO **FINE,** AND I JUST WANT TO HAVE YOU **GIRL,** HE'S JUST NOT RIGHT FOR YOU **GIRL,**_ _I CAN TREAT YOU **SO MUCH BETTER, GIIIIIIIIIRRRRRLLLLL!**_ "

We all burst out laughing.

"Okay, fair point." Katarina chuckled, snuggling up closer to Garen from where they lay on the ground. "Doesn't change the fact that it's old, though."

"So what?" He grinned. "It's still good music. It's the reason why I love Sona so much. Her music actually has _taste._ " He gently pushed a lock of hair away from her face, caressing one cheek with his thumb.

"Oh? Is that the _only_ reason, Ellis?" Sona pretended to sound upset. "And I here I thought you loved me for who I am."

"I do." He smirked. "It's also because you're witty, gentle, sweet, _sexy_ ,and by far the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes upon." Sona squirmed in his lap, embarrassed and blushing, turning her head to the side with a bashful smile. Ellis leaned down to plant a kiss on her head, to which in reply Sona yanked him down by the collar of his shirt to give him a proper kiss on the lips.

"Get a room, you two." Katarina snorted.

"We did. We share one. And we use it quite frequently." Ellis grinned deviously. "Even if it isn't necessarily for sleeping."

Katarina mimicked throwing up. Garen chuckled, pulling her closer.

"Are we just going to sit here all day?" Shyvana asked, sitting with her knees pulled up and Jarvan's arm wrapped around her shoulders. "Don't get me wrong, it's nice to relax, but I want to relax in a way that doesn't require sitting on my ass for the rest of the afternoon."

"What's the rush?" I asked, looking up and over at her from where I was spread out. Raka was sitting on her knees next to me, admiring the assorted flora absent-mindedly. All of us were in casual clothing, and I'd finally traded my tunic for a red t-shirt with a pair of dark grey cargo shorts. "I haven't had a day off in _weeks._ For once, I just want to do _nothing._ No memes, no shenanigans, no getting on people's nerves, _nothing._ "

"Now _that,_ I find hard to believe." Leona replied, sitting closer to the top of the hill with Pantheon.

"I know. I'm nearly flabbergasted myself." I said. "Still, it's nice to actually kick back and chill out. I spent a few weeks in freezing cold snow, dense Ionian forest, and stormy Bilgewater seas. The plains, valleys and beaches of Demacia? Not a bad transition."

"Was there anything you enjoyed at all?" Ellis asked. "The scenery in the Freljord's supposed to be _amazing._ "

"Oh, yeah, definitely." I agreed. "The weather in Ionia was pretty nice, too."

And despite the reply that should've followed, nothing came after. We just sat there in comfortable silence, listening to the wind shake the trees, as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky. Birds chirped occasionally, and the faint buzzing of insects could be heard among the flowers, if you listened hard enough.

 _Gods,_ I'd needed this.

I was bored, and it felt _great._

Despite the coming invasion force, we were ready. Ellis had done an impeccable job of creating a defense grid, with all sorts of technological goodies and gadgets to unleash on the Noxian army. The Hextech cannons were an example, the parts ordered straight from Heimerdinger in Piltover. He couldn't be there in person to aid his protégé, but nothing about Piltover law said he _couldn't_ supply us with resources. Loopholes can really work wonders sometimes.

"Grandpa...um..." Shyvana hesitated. "Listen. There's something Jarvan and I need to-"

"Shyvana. Not now." Jarvan stopped her before she could get any further. "He has enough to worry about. We can tell him after."

"What? Tell me what?" I propped myself up on my elbows, twisting my neck to look at them. "Is there something I should know?"

"It's nothing." Shyvana said, batting a hand dismissively. "It can wait, like Jarvan said."

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, but decided to let it go. "Alright." I shrugged, laying back down.

At that moment, a ladybug decided to land on my nose. I watch it waddle around lazily near my nostrils, staying still so that I wouldn't disturb it. I don't really have a problem with most insects. They can't really hurt me, considering my power, and they're actually kinda neat to look at. Except mosquitoes, wasps and praying mantises. Those things are evil. So are bees. I will never forgive bees for all the innocent souls they've stung.

"You know, it's getting pretty close to lunchtime." Ellis noted, checking the clock on his phone. "Anybody up for a bite to eat?"

"What do you think?" I raised an eyebrow at him with a smirk.

"You're always hungry, Helios." Raka chided. "It isn't healthy to be eating so much all the time."

"Pardon me, madam, but that food, coupled with the constant exercise I get from cracking skulls, is what keeps these abs in top shape." I briefly pulled my shirt up to give her a full view. I'm fairly certain she liked that. "If you want those abs to disappear forever, then so be it, but you're going to regret it more than I am."

"You don't need food to keep your abs, Helios. Your strength is divine, remember?" Soraka reminded me.

"Well...yeah, but still. As Rakan says, 'but _food._ ' And food is the third-best thing in my life right now, aside from _you_ and my granddaughter and friends." I replied.

"That's four things, Helios." Raka said, although she was more amused than not.

"Oh. So it is." I blinked. "Ah, well, there's a reason why you're the smart one in the relationship, isn't there?"

"I'm the smart one in _my_ relationship." Ellis said. "But Sona still owns me anyways. She knows how to woo me." Sona pecked him on the cheek in response. "She's also a bit of a vixen, but that part's private." Being young (well, I'm several billion years old, but you know, as a state of mind) and in love's fun.

"Dear _gods,_ you people are going to make me sick." Katarina nearly gasped, which just shows the extent of her exasperation. "Can't we all just shut up and relax without getting all mushy?"

"You're one to talk." I grunted. "Considering how romantic you get when Garen goes down on you."

Katarina and Garen's faces went red, and Leona had to slap a hand over her mouth to keep her laughter in. Even Pantheon chuckled a little at the jest, while the rest of us laughed outright.

"So, I believe we were talking about food?" I set the topic back to where it'd been before. "Got a place in mind?"

"The Grand Plaza would be a good place to start." Jarvan suggested. "The city-states gathered here have taken to socializing there, so I'm curious to try their individual delicacies."

"Steak plus fries plus Ionian food plus Graggy Ice equals _deliciousness._ " I concluded.

"As a scientist, I'm kinda triggered by how that wasn't a real equation." Ellis said.

"The only math I know how to do is the kinda math that'll fill my stomach." I replied. "Well, I also like to keep track of the amount of asses I've kicked, but that's about as far as it goes."

"So says Helios, creator of Runeterra." Garen smirked. "I'm still unclear as to how a god can know so little about such things."

"Hey, humans were the ones who invented math, and all that scientific crap. I only know biology and planetary crap. In hindsight, it didn't take as much as it should have." I said. "And what I do know, when it comes to human biology, is this: human beings get hungry. And as I am currently human, I too am hungry."

"And the Lord said 'Let there be lunch.' And it was so." Leona snickered.

"Indeed it was!" I jumped up to my feet, taking Raka's hand in my own and helping her up. "Now onward! To feasting!"

And with that, off we went.

* * *

"Okay, I get why I'm doing this, but why did it have to be when I'm trying to finish my lunch?" I asked, before taking another bite of my steak, followed by a swig of Graggy Ice. "Wasn't this our day off?"

"It was." Jarvan frowned apologetically. "But my father only wants this from you. Then we're free to do as we please for the rest of the day."

Now, what exactly was going on?

Well, as we'd been sitting in the Grand Plaza, stuffing our faces with just about every kind of food you can imagine, a messenger had arrived to inform us that the King wanted me to give a general inspection and "inspiration" to some of the troops. Sejuani was supposed to be doing that, but since she was a little too busy beating their pride out of them, they thought it'd be better for me to do it.

I agreed to come along to the training grounds, but I brought my chair, table and food with me.

" _COME ON, MAGGOTS, **MOVE!**_ " Currently Sejuani was having them run at a full sprint around the entire field, which was a half-mile long in circumference. And they had to do it until Sejuani allowed them to stop.

And she'd been running them ragged for hours on end.

" _DID I SAY THAT YOU COULD SLOW DOWN?! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR OR I'LL GET BRISTLE'S TUSKS TO DO IT FOR YOU!_ " She roared at a few stragglers, who were falling behind. They put on a burst of speed, attempting to catch up with the rest. All of them were red in the face, sweating buckets, and moaning like wounded animals. Some of them actually looked like they were going to faint.

"Sooooo... _why_ was I here again?" I asked. "It kinda looks like she has everything covered."

"Oh, _by all the **gods** **-**_ " Sejuani grabbed her whip, and snapped it over a few men who were passing her. " _WHAT KIND OF SPRINT IS THAT?! GRAGAS WITH A **HANGOVER** RUNS FASTER THAN YOU!_" This was actually true, as Gragas could run as fast as 60 miles per hour when drunk or hung over, but the troops didn't need to know that.

"Inspection. And inspiration." Garen reminded me, looking deeply disturbed about how even members of his own Vanguard were finding it hard to stay standing. "I'd suggest getting to it quick, or else we might not _have_ an army to defend the city with."

"Wait a little bit more. It's getting to the good part." I replied, gesturing to the unfolding spectacle in front of us.

Sejuani had mounted Bristle, and was now chasing down the men at the back, lashing her whip upon her Death Pig. I'm not gonna sugarcoat this - the men were all screaming incoherently. The only thing scarier than a Freljordian man is a Freljordian woman, especially one who has a big with tusks as big as tree trunks.

"Alright, that's enough." I said. " _HEY, SEJ! MIND GIVING ME A MINUTE WITH THEM?! THE OLD FART WANTS ME TO DO AN INSPECTION!_ "

" _ALREADY?!_ " She called back. " _WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE REAL TRAINING YET! WE'RE JUST WARMING UP!_ "

" _YOU CAN TEAR OUT THEIR SPINES LATER, THIS'LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE!_ " I replied.

" _OH, **FINE,** BUT IF IT ISN'T QUICK THEN I'M GOING TO RUN THEM DOWN WITH BRISTLE ANYWAYS!_" Sejuani yelled.

The smell of urine seemed to fill the air for a moment afterwards.

" _ATTEN- **SHUN!**_ " I barked, once they were all present. They snapped into a salute, chests heaving and hands trembling with sweat coming down in torrents.

I began to pace down the lines, taking in the sight of all of them. "I'm gonna be honest here - you all look like shit." I said. "But that isn't your fault. Sejuani tends to get a little carried away with workouts, and I doubt that the Noxian invasion will be anywhere _near_ as exhausting as what she's putting you through."

"If that's the case, then we should all just leave." Someone near the back of the line muttered, while my back was turned. "We can just throw _her_ at the Noxians when they get here."

However, what that poor fool didn't know was not _only_ did I hear, but I can run at the speed of light.

" _DID I ASK FOR COMMENTS ON THE MATTER, PRIVATE?!_ " I roared, suddenly in front of him. The sound he made was somewhere in between a squeak and a yelp. " _I WON'T TOLERATE INSUBORDINATION IN MY REGIMENT!_ "

"Sir! We aren't in your regiment, sir!" He replied. "We're serving with Captain Crownguard and the Van-"

" _I DID NOT ASK FOR YOUR REPLY, SOLDIER!_ " I yelled in response.

I thrust a finger towards the ground. " _NOW DROP AND GIVE ME **TWENTY!**_ "

"Sir, I don't believe you have the authority to-"

" _ **DID I STUTTER, PRIVATE?**_ " I loomed over him with my eyes ablaze, sneering.

"No sir. Sorry sir." He replied, dropping to the ground to crank out twenty pushups.

"What the _hell_ was that?" I asked, pretending to be disgusted. "A little girl does better pushups than you." And to prove it, I'd use a very specific specimen as an example.

"Anya, get over here!" I whipped my head around to look at her.

"Sure thing, Mister Helios!" She bounced over with a spring in her step. She'd grown half a foot since I'd last seen her, and she'd already begun combat training. She'd put a bit of muscle on her bones too, and she was stronger than people twice her size. I hadn't had much time to socialize with her, but I _had_ shown her around Demacia when she arrived. She wouldn't be fighting, but she'd be helping to escort all the civilians to safety once the fighting started.

"Anya, drop and give me fifty. In less than a minute." I told her.

"Okay!" And with that, she dropped to the ground and flawlessly pumped out fifty pushups, in all of twenty seconds.

"I rest my case, private." I looked back at him with a smirk. "Now, I'm going to inform the King that all of you are combat ready, seeing as you've gotten this far into Sejuani's training regimen. But that doesn't mean I won't spare you any more agony."

"Sej, they're all yours." I walked away.

She cracked her knuckles with a sinister grin. "So, boys, who's ready for the _real_ fun?"

They whimpered in response.

* * *

 ** _B  
O  
O  
M  
!_**

The boulder exploded, particles of dust and sediment scattering across the field.

"Not bad." I grinned. "What else can it do?"

"It can do a lot of things." Ellis replied with a smug smirk. "And on bigger targets, too."

"We won't be able to do that, I'm afraid." Jarvan replied. "My father wouldn't be happy if we blew up a mountain."

"Oh, _piss_ on what he says." I rolled my eyes. "All he ever does is fume."

What were we doing now? Well, remember that cannon Ellis nearly killed Katarina with? Ellis made smaller versions. Turrets, obviously. They were portable, lightweight, and _packed a serious punch._ They had two prime settings - either fully automatic, with a high rate of fire, or a slow rate of fire with seismic pulse rounds, for bigger targets, as Ellis just said. What is a seismic pulse round? What it sounds like, but it basically forces matter apart at the subatomic level. In other words, no matter what you point it at, it will explode.

And we'd decided that testing it out on random shit was a perfectly good idea.

Ellis had "TNT" playing, which only seemed appropriate, and Katarina wasn't complaining, which wasn't all that surprising. ACDC's a Noxian band originally, after all.

"Now _this_ is how to have fun." Katarina said, enjoying the view from where she sat on a rock. We were just outside the city limits, playing with the turret (that's exactly what we were doing, not gonna lie) on a rocky hillside, among other rocky hillsides. I'd call Demacia the Highlands, but I feel like the idea of hilly terrain with castles and samurai (considering that Yasuo was enjoying himself somewhere) was already covered. The thought also brings to mind bearded demons that look like satanic trees, but I'm not sure why.

(AN: Genndy Tartakovsky, I'm still sad.)

"Alright, what else do we have?" I asked.

"Well, we've got just about everything else here." Ellis replied, using a remote control on his metal hand (#Upgrades) to direct the turret. "Take your pick."

"How about those rocks?" I asked, pointing to a few stones on the ground. "Fully automatic. All at once."

"Sure." He replied, pressing a few holographic buttons on his arm. The turret retracted its large, singular center barrel, two smaller ones popping up on both sides in its place.

I scooped up the rocks in one hand. "Ready?" I asked.

"Just about. Throw away." Ellis said.

I tossed them all up.

 _RAT-TAT-TAT!_

The rocks fell to the ground, now in fragmented pieces. The turret had nailed all of them dead-center, completely accurate.

"Neat." I whistled.

"Yeah." Ellis replied. "Not as cool as when Sona does a Brown Note, though."

I gasped, turning to look at him.

"She. Can do. _WHAT._ " I said.

"Ellis, dear, why did you have to mention that?" Sona asked, looking embarrassed.

"You might be onto something, judging by how excited he looks." Ellis replied.

Now, for those of you who don't know what the Brown Note is - take a guess. I'll give you a hint: the "Brown" doesn't refer to chocolate.

The Brown Note is a specific audial frequency that is actually capable of making people lose control of their bowel movements. Extremely low sound waves are felt by the body, not the ears, so despite what it sounds like, it isn't impossible. The frequency has to be very specific, though, otherwise it won't work. As such, it's almost impossible to create a Brown Note. In fact, the amount of times it's been achieved in history is less than _ten._

"When did you learn to actually _do_ that?!" I asked.

"It- It was more of an accident, really." Sona replied with a rueful expression. "It was while you were gone. I was...experimenting with my ethwal, trying to create new notes for my performances, but then, I mistakenly went a little too low and..." She gestured helplessly with both hands.

"Everyone just lost their lunch? Just like that?" I asked.

"It was in the Plaza, too." Ellis added.

"And I thought _I_ was going through shenanigans." I replied. "Do it."

"Do what?" He asked.

"Not you, Sona. Do a Brown Note. Right here, right now." I said.

"Helios, I'd rather you didn't." Leona protested. "In case you've forgotten, the rest of us think that sounds unpleasant."

"I know. Why do you think I want it to happen in the first place?" I replied.

Everyone groaned. "Helios, at this point you're going to be the death of all of us." Katarina remarked.

" _Ugh, fine._ " I relented. "But can you at least show me how you did it? I'm curious, it doesn't happen often."

"Well...I suppose." Sona's ethwal floated to her hands. "I think it was..." Her hands skimmed across the strings as she looked. "Here." Her right index finger stopped over a specific spot on her instrument. "That was where I played when everyone began to experience...well...difficulties."

"Cool." I replied.

Then I plucked the string.

* * *

What happened next, all of us present swore to never speak of again.

* * *

The night after, I couldn't sleep.

That's it.

I just...couldn't.

The heat wasn't bothering me. I'm immune to heat, remember? And it sure as hell wasn't the fact that my bed was overcrowded. Sharing a bed with your stunningly hot girlfriend isn't a bad way to spend the nights. Especially when things get steamy.

But, well...I guess I just couldn't sleep because...everything.

I'd spent a long time (in human terms, that is) preparing for the Noxian invasion with everyone else. I'd brought support. I'd helped fortify the city. I'd strategized with the King and all of his advisors.

But preparing for a battle is one thing. Realizing how close it is? That's something else entirely.

So, slipping on a shirt and taking special care not to wake Raka, I slipped out of our bed and walked over to the balcony, opening the doors and gently shutting them behind me. I walked to the edge and rested my shoulders on the railing, interlocking my fingers. A room in the palace had been provided for us, and it offered quite the view from the upper floors of the building. I sighed as the cool nighttime breeze brushed through my hair, tickling the small slivers of skin that weren't covered by cloth and raising goosebumps in the process. I watched the city sleep beneath me, completely void of light and activity. It was mandatory law that citizens turn in at a certain time, with only the military left to guard the city's walls and gates.

I chuckled. "Kinda crazy to see me like this, isn't it?" It was a clear night, and since I didn't really have anything better to do, I decided to have a little chat with the stars. Say hi, catch up on things, that kinda stuff. "Me, the sun, stuck down here, inside a human body. What are the odds, right?"

"I'm gonna be honest - I wasn't expecting anything like _this_ to happen, when Selene first put me down here." I continued, watching them twinkle and glitter in the darkness. I knew they were listening. Us stars always listen to what's going on around us.

"But then again, who _could,_ considering what I've experience." I snickered. "I knew it'd be weird, when I was still processing it, but never in my mind could I ever imagine how it'd pan out."

"I mean, what, I landed in Kumungu, ate a pear that tasted awful, got adopted by a cougar, ran through the desert, climbed a mountain, chided a _space dragon_ , met my granddaughter _and_ my best friend-slash-girlfriend, then pissed off an old crow and started a war by accident?" I laughed. "That, frankly, is just _nuts._ "

"And yet, it's all because of an argument." I remarked. I hummed with a frown. "Not exactly how I was expecting it to happen, but it wasn't like I was expecting it in the first place, so maybe that's on me."

"But, even though I've been through a lot of shit...I don't think I'd change anything." I said. "I made a lot of friends, met my entourage, kicked a lot of ass (I chuckled at the thought), _and_ I got to get a girlfriend. I got to tell Shyvana how proud of her I am too. I actually thought things were gonna suck, after the Kumungu incident. But despite that...things are actually pretty good."

I hummed. "Well, I'm about to go to war, so maybe things aren't _quite_ as good, but I guess they could be worse. I'll be there to see things through, after all."

I sighed. "Thanks for listening, guys. I'll let you get back to whatever you're doing." I resumed staring down at the city, quietly content.

I turned around to walk back to bed, but I found Raka standing there in the doorway, leaning against the frame in her pajamas. Unlike most women at the Institute, Raka actually preferred to wear a soft cotton shirt with women's pajama shorts. I didn't mind. They highlighted her frame quite nicely.

"Hey." I said, with a soft smile.

"Hey." She replied, returning my expression. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Yeah." I said. "Just...everything, you know?"

She nodded. "I'm a little worried myself. I won't be out there fighting with you, so I won't be able to keep you safe." Raka would be attending to the wounded, because there _would_ be wounded, bouncing around the battlefield as needed to serve her natural role as healer.

I chuckled, walking up to wrap both arms around her waist, pulling her in as I rested my chin on her forehead, next to her horn so I wouldn't impale myself. "You won't need to worry about me. I can take care of myself."

"I know." She replied. "But that still doesn't stop me from worrying."

"I'll be fine. If it's any consolation, I'll have the others to watch my back. Jarvan and Leona will be up there on the wall with me, and they're more than capable." The wall in question was the gigantic border wall that surrounded the city, heavily fortified to defend against an invasion, which was convenient. It stood one hundred and fifty meters high, and was ten meters thick.

"Still, there's a lot of things that could go wrong." Raka replied, leaning her head against my collar.

"What else is new?" I asked. "Hasn't stopped me before, and it won't stop me now." I rubbed a hand across her back reassuringly. "We'll be fine. We should try to look on the bright side of things."

"You would, wouldn't you? You're a star, after all." Raka teased.

"Hey, so are you. Just sexier." I flashed her a grin.

"You big charmer." She pulled me into a kiss. "You're always so sweet and gentle when you're around me." She said, as she pulled away. "It's one of the reasons why I love you."

"I love you too." I smirked. "For a number of reasons. One of which you demonstrated earlier tonight."

She snorted, slapping my arm. "Of course, with a one-track mind like yours, gods only know why I've managed to put up with you."

"It's because you find me endearing." I replied, smiling as I kissed her forehead. "And my antics are amusing."

"I'm starting to understand why Xayah and Rakan get along so well." Raka remarked. "How come we didn't ask _them_ for help, anyways?"

"Eh, I asked Karma about it, and she said they were on missions in Ao Shin's territory, and you know how he gets when people walk onto his turf without his permission. It would've taken longer to deal with him than get everyone else on board." I replied.

"The gods on this planet are weird." Raka said.

"That they are, milady." I agreed, laughing. "That they are."

We stood there in each other's arms for a while, watching the stars above. The moon was out, and you all know how I feel about _that,_ but for once, I was willing to enjoy myself in her presence. It was actually kinda satisfying, considering her original intentions.

Then, something came to mind, something I'd been wondering for a while, but never asked.

"Hey, Raka?" I said.

"Hm?" She hummed in reply. Her eyes were closed, looking just about ready to drift off again.

"When did you first start loving me?" I asked.

Her eyes opened, and she propped her chin up on my chest to look at me. "What?"

"I mean, before you kissed me the first time, during Snowdown." I said. "When did you realize you loved me?"

She took a little while to think about it, placing her head back down. "Since always, I guess." She said. "I didn't know it at first, but at the same time there wasn't really a moment when I suddenly realized I loved you. The feelings were _there,_ but...I just never considered them until you were here on Runeterra. With me."

"So, what? The instant we both popped into existence as stars, you were smitten with me?" I asked, with an accusing smirk.

She laughed. "If you want to think about it like that, then yes, in a way, I was."

"Sweet. I didn't even have to do anything." I grinned. "Does that make me the world's first hunk?"

"Some people might argue otherwise, but to me, yes." Raka smiled, slightly embarrassed.

"Was kissing me your first idea for a Snowdown present, then?" I asked.

"Well...I was actually starting to freak out at first, because I didn't know what you'd want, considering you'd just arrived on Runeterra." Raka replied. "Then, I started wondering _why_ I didn't want you to be disappointed, and after I realized that all I wanted was for you to be happy because of me, one thing led to another, and, well...you know the rest."

"What a bunch of hopeless romantics we are." I said.

"We are, aren't we?" Raka agreed. "But that doesn't mean loving you isn't fun."

"Hell no." I snorted.

We both sighed. "This is probably going to be the last tender moment we have for a while, isn't it?" Raka asked.

"Yep." I replied.

"Then you'd better come back to me alive." Raka said. "Even if you're wounded, it doesn't matter. Just..." She looked up into my eyes and cupped my face with both hands. "Don't die. Promise me. I can heal you if you get hurt, just _don't die._ " She wasn't joking or playing around when she said that. This was the one thing that she wanted me to take seriously, even if the rest of our conversation for the night downgraded into playful banter.

I brought her hands down, and leaned down to kiss her. It was sweet, soft and tender, to the point where our lips barely made contact.

I pulled away, and brought her into a hug, repositioning my chin on her head while my arms looped around her waist. I could feel her heartbeat through my shirt, keeping her body flush with mine.

"I promise." I said.

I shouldn't have.

* * *

 _ **Welp. Here we go. Trust me, this is gonna be good. I plan on making my chapters around twice as long as they usually are, similar to the Snowdown chapter, maybe longer. There's gonna be all kinds of stuff in these next three chapters. I hope you enjoy them. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	41. Showdown: A New Hydra

_**So.**_

 _ **Here we are.**_

 _ **The three-part finale.**_

 ** _It's been a long journey, ladies and gentlemen._**

 ** _I'm just stunned, every time I think about it._**

 ** _We're almost there._**

 ** _All of you have been tremendously supportive, and for those of you who had criticism to offer, it was always carefully thought-out and very constructive, with good points to offer. So thank you for being polite in that regard. I realize how lucky I am to have constructive criticism instead of hate-spamming. Not everyone has that luxury with their stories. And to think, this story was nothing more than an EXPERIMENT, when I first started it! That's how nuts this is for me, everyone. It was just supposed to be another pet project, but then it blossomed into one of the most popular LoL stories on this site! But it's not really me who's made this possible._**

 ** _It's been YOU, dear readers._**

 ** _So once again, thank you. I appreciate all the support immensely. And without further ado, let's get started._**

* * *

 _One week later..._

 _VWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRT!  
_

 _VWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRT!_

I awoke.

I sat up in a split second, encased in a glowing red light as the alarm blared on the ceiling. Ellis had installed one in every possible room in every possible building in the city, with the help of worker drones and general assistance and compliance from the public. _Everyone_ had to be ready when the time came, so that meant a reliable system had to be created to give everyone proper warning.

And if the alarm was going off, that could only mean one thing.

It was starting.

Raka had also woken up, a hand resting on my shoulder. "Is it-"

"Go." I said, resting one hand on her cheek. "Get dressed, then help evacuate the city. Come back once that's done, and get the hospital in order. I'm going to the wall."

"Stay safe." Raka pecked me on the lips, then threw the covers off of us to make her way to the dresser, fetching her clothing and staff.

I briefly checked the clock next to our bed. Two in the morning. Great. They'd have darkness as cover. Swain wasn't taking any chances. Well, neither were we. If he wanted a fight, he'd get one. The hardest fight of his _life_.

I went into light-speed, grabbing my armor and axe from the dresser, leaving my cloak behind as I zipped out the door. It would only be a hindrance. I didn't need someone yanking on it from behind so that I'd fall over. That wouldn't end well at all. It was good to have my armor back on again, but that could be reflected on later. Right now, I needed to get to the wall.

However, I exited light-speed as soon as I exited into the hallway.

It was nothing short of complete and utter chaos. Maids, attendants, servants, _every_ occupant of the palace was scrambling towards every available exit the palace had, directed by the guards and various Solari and Rakkor. Plates, vases, and all manner of household items were scattered along the floor in pieces as a result of the terrified citizens' haste to leave, without much organization involved. That was going to have to change.

" _Come on, come on, let's go!_ " I ordered, pushing a few people along in the right direction. " _We don't have much time, MOVE IT!_ "

"Mister Helios!" Anya came running up to me, clad in basic Solari armor and carrying a sword and shield. "It's starting, isn't it?"

"Yes it is, Anya." I confirmed. "Get everyone _out of here._ The palace is probably going to have a bit of trouble holding up, if they breach the wall. Where's everyone else?"

"I don't know, I just woke up!" She replied.

"It's fine, I'll find them myself." I said. " _ELLIS, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, QUIT MAKING THIS DIFFICULT FOR EVERYONE! I KNOW FOR A FACT YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN MIND FOR THIS!_ "

" _Whoops. Sorry. Still tired._ " His voice replied over the recently placed intercom.

" _This is Chief Engineer Ellis Delande speaking!_ " The summoner's voice went up in volume, until it was hurting my ears just to listen. " _Please remain calm. Yes, it's the equivalent of the apocalypse and it's possible that we'll all die, but at the very least we can die with dignity, so please follow my instructions._ "

" _If you're at the palace, lights should be lighting up along the floor in white, highlighting your ideal escape routes._ " Blinking white lights lit up shortly after, highlighting several hallways throughout the palace. " _Red lights should be highlighting the emergency exits, which you can follow by taking the escape routes. Kindly follow them out of the palace._ " Red lights illuminated doorways, which assumedly meant they led outside.

" _If you are participating in the fighting, then kindly grab your weapons and GET OUT THERE, DAMMIT! I'M WITH HELIOS, GET OFF YOUR ASSES! THIS IS **NOT**_ _A DRILL! I REPEAT, THIS IS **NOT** A DRILL! Did I say that right, Sona? More or less? Okay, good. Wait, is this thing still on? Oops. Ignore that. How about a little preparation music?_"

And then, as cheeky as he was, he began to play "Final Countdown" over the intercom.

As the opening notes dramatically played out, I couldn't help but roll my eyes and smirk. Even if there was a war going on, Ellis _still_ had to be Ellis. Of course, he wouldn't actually be fighting. He'd be remotely controlling the cannons, drones and turrets from atop building in the center of the city, which would serve as his own personal command hub. Sona would be there with him, because there was no way in hell he was letting her get down there. But she had her _own_ ways of helping, which Ellis agreed to enthusiastically. He'd have a complete overview of the entire battle, serving as the "eye in the sky," redirecting troop movements and drone deployments as needed. Sparks was helping. He didn't say how.

I ran down the hallways, pushing and shoving past anyone in the way. They didn't like it much, but I didn't care. They could live with a few bumps and bruises if it meant they all lived to see them heal.

 _We're leaving together_

 _But still it's farewell_

I ran out into the Citadel of Dawn's front courtyard, which was swarming with panicked civilians. The Vanguard was already there, directing them as needed, and Garen was chief among them, along with the King, who was seeing off the Queen, escorting her into a carriage to be taken with the other evacuees. They shared a brief, heartfelt exchange, before Jarvan the Third closed the door and waved goodbye. He noticed me making my way through the crowd, and barked out an order to his men, and they parted the sea of Demacians to let me pass. I nodded to him gratefully, which he returned. I patted Garen on the shoulder as I ran past, heading towards the wall.

 _And maybe we'll come back_

 _To Runeterra, who can tell?_

Ellis's defense grid was already online as I exited the courtyard. Cannons, turrets, drones, and traps were all alive with activity, directed by his commands to wherever they were needed. Sejuani and the Freljordian army would make up the majority of the city's defense inside the wall, along with the Rakkor, with Pantheon in command. Demacia City's major ports would be covered by Bilgewater's navy, led by Sarah and Gangplank. Katarina and Talon would be assisting the Vanguard (because obvious reasons), while Riven would join us on the wall. She preferred to be on the front lines over everything else. The Ionians would be defending the civilians as they evacuated, holding down their escape route. Taric would be joining them, as would Braum, because those two are all _about_ shielding innocent life from harm. I can't blame them, but part of me wanted to see how the Noxians would take Death By Mustache. Oh well. We can't have everything in life, can we?

 _I guess there is no one to blame_

 _We're leaving ground (leaving ground)_

I could see the wall in the distance, but it would still take time to get there. With a frustrated sigh, I scaled up a building and entered light-speed once again, bouncing along the rooftops.

 _Will things ever be the same again?_

I stopped at the wall's base, placing my hands on my hips as I observed the soldiers climbing up on walkways and ladders to reach the top, manning the cannons and taking up arms.

 _It's the final countdown_

I huffed.

This was really it.

The moment I'd been preparing for. The moment _we_ had all been preparing for.

Thankfully, Ellis chose that moment to cut off the music, so I could focus. As fun as it would be, I had to give one hundred percent of my attention to the fight ahead, and there couldn't be any distractions.

I fell in line behind the troops as I jogged up to the wall, although halfway up I decided that climbing would be faster. I heaved myself over the edge, and I found that Jarvan, Leona, Ashe and Shyvana were already there, along with the rest of the Demacian champions. Lux and the Star Guardians were present too, and although they weren't too happy that they had to wear their uniforms, they were largely focused on the horizon.

Speaking of the horizon...

"Why the hell is it so foggy?" I scowled, coming up beside the Crown Prince. "Of all the times for low visibility..."

"I think that's the idea." Jarvan mused, leaning on his lance. "Swain must've foreseen this. He planned well."

"Good." I unsheathed my axe. "It'll be all the more satisfying when it blows up in his face."

A drone flew up over the wall, looking similar to a quadcopter. It had a plastic container the size of a fishtank strapped the bottom, which was then deposited at our feet. I flicked it with interest, and found what looked to be headsets, although they were little more than an earpiece connected to a screen that went over the right eye.

" _Those are for you._ " Ellis's voice came from the drone. " _Communicators. Put them over your right ear, and I'll be able to notify you of key developments during the battle._ "

"Well, that's handy." I replied, doing as he instructed. The screen flickered to life, flashing numerous data figures, before they faded so that I could see with my right eye again. Everyone else activated their own, and a small _ping_ went off in my communicator. Apparently, it was syncing with all the others, and I had the option to contact anyone else who also had a communicator of their own.

" _Alright, I'm going to enact a little connection test, just to make sure everyone's communicators are working properly._ " Ellis informed. " _I'm gonna send a small signal to each of yours right about-_ "

"Shh!" I interrupted him at the last second.

" _What? Don't like connection tests?_ " Ellis asked.

"No, that's not it." I replied. "Listen."

All of us were silent. The only thing that could be heard was the faint whistling of the wind, and the soft _clinks_ and _clanks_ as weapons were readied.

Then, from beyond the fog hiding the horizon from view, we heard it.

 _...thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum_

 _thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum_

 _thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum_

 _thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum..._

Marching.

And it was getting closer and closer by the minute, followed by the faint roar of machinery in the distance.

... _ **thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum**_

 _ **thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum**_

 _ **thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum thum**_

 _ **thum thum thum thum tum thum thum thum thum...**_

Beads of sweat trickled down my forehead. Flames licked the edges of Ana's armor. Jarvan gripped his lance tightly in one hand. Leona readjusted her shield, hefting her Zenith Blade up. With a green flash of ki, Riven allowed her sword to assume its completed form, resting it on her shoulder. Ashe nocked an arrow.

 _ **...THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM**_

 _ **THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM**_

 _ **THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM**_

 _ **THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM THUM...**_

And then, all was silent.

But that didn't really mean anything.

They were just waiting for us to make a move, as we were them.

I glanced at my friends and family, then looked down at the soon-to-be battlefield.

"They're here."

* * *

 _TCHINK!_

Huh?

 _TCHINK TCHINK TCHINK TCHINK TCHINK!_

What was _that?_

It had sounded like a release mechanism being triggered. Releasing _what,_ I didn't quite know.

That wouldn't be the case for long, though.

As you can probably guess, Noxus decided to stop waiting and go for it.

 _...fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..._

A shrill, piercing screech of a whistle was the first sign, and by _gods_ did it hurt my ears. "The hell is _that?_ " I asked, squinting up into the clouds (cloudy, too - Swain was such a cheat).

 _ **-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...**_

I got the distinct impression that something was wrong. And that I _really_ shouldn't be standing idle in one spot.

 _ **-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-**_

The skies lit up into five fiery orange spheres.

I swore as dread and shock set in.

" _EVERYBODY **GET DOWN!**_ " I yelled.

Despite the fact that the Demacian soldiers weren't under my command, they listened, and flung themselves down and to the side.

At least, the ones who were fast enough. _They_ were the survivors.

 _ **B  
**_ ** _W  
O  
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M  
!_**

 _ **B  
W  
O  
O  
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 _ **B  
W  
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 _ **B**_  
 _ **W**_  
 _ **O**_  
 _ **O**_  
 _ **M**_

 _ **B**_  
 _ **W**_  
 _ **O**_  
 _ **O**_  
 _ **M**_  
 _ **!**_

The explosive mortar shells (that's what Ellis says they were, anyways) collided with several watchtowers along the wall, erupting into fire and brimstone, coating the air around the wreckage with thick black smoke, and burning yellow sulfur. Screams of agony followed, before they were swallowed by the blaze. We'd already taken casualties, and it hadn't even been _minutes._ Ana and the others were okay, as far as I could see, which was about as lucky as I could hope for.

" _Dammit._ " I swore. There'd been _cannons_ on those towers. How the _hell_ had Swain known they would even _be_ there? "Ellis, status on the damage, _now._ " I ordered through my communicator.

" _N_ _ot good._ " I could hear the frustration and sadness in his voice. He'd put a lot of work into those cannons, after all. " _Most of the cannons along your side of the wall were destroyed. The grid's main defense systems are still online, but they're warming up. Give me a few minutes, and they'll be ready to bring the hurt._ "

"A few min- of course, of course, _of course,_ of course of course...why would you _not_ need more time?" I growled. "Fine. You'll get the time you need."

" _ **JANNA!**_ " I barked. " ** _GET THAT DAMN FOG OUT OF THE WAY!_** "

"As you command, Lord Helios!" She replied. She was the only member of the Star Guardians that was taking the whole "Honor Guard" thing in stride. I don't know _why_ \- she just did.

Gale-force winds billowed up from the area around the Storm's Fury, concentrating and tightening into the space around her staff, until a miniature tornado was churning around the weapon, threatening to blow everything around it away just from being _near_ it.

Janna levitated up, high above the wall, and thrust her staff forward. " _FEEL THE WIND'S FURY!_ " The wind spirit yelled.

A massive surge of wind stormed forward, punching through the fog with the force of a hurricane. The gust was so strong that I had to throw myself against the parapet just so I wouldn't fall off the edge. The others shared my thoughts, crouching down beside me.

As soon as the wind stopped, I resumed my earlier stance.

And almost stumbled off the wall.

The Noxian army, combined with its allies, was, to be honest, _huge._

 _Hundreds of thousands_ made up the Noxians _alone._ Lissandra had brought trolls with her, and they numbered in the _tens_ of thousands. Thousands (I guess that's a popular number group for Swain) of Zaunite war machines accompanied them, loading mortar shells into the catapults present on their hulls. The Noxians themselves were armed with their standard issue weaponry, but I couldn't help but notice that Zaun had supplied the officers with their own unique brand of chemical warfare, and Riven shuddered at the sight. Bad memories. You all know the story.

"Uh... _wow._ " I grimaced. "That's...a lot more than I thought would be present."

" _Well, you're going to have to deal with it._ " Ellis replied. " _It doesn't change the fact that I still need time._ "

"What the hell do you expect me to do?!" I asked. "I can only do so much to so many enemies!"

" _I know. That's why Sona's going to provide some assistance._ " I heard Sona pick up her ethwal, strumming a few notes to make sure she was in tune.

" _You ready, Sona?_ " Ellis asked.

" _I am._ " She replied.

" _Then Helios, you should probably turn this off for a sec. Everybody should probably cover their ears, in fact. Just in case._ " He warned. I hastily removed it, plugging my fingers in my ears. " _HIT IT, BABE!_ " He shouted from the communicator in my pocket.

 ** _VWUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM!_**

I hadn't noticed the gigantic speakers plastered to the front of the wall, oddly enough. They were facing away from us, so they wouldn't accidentally create Friendly Fire, but my stomach still felt queasy as they activated. However, it _was_ an effective method, as the Noxians near the front lines were soon doubling and over, as they...well, you can probably guess.

The Brown Note is rather self-explanatory, after all.

A few short clicks and beeps came from my communicator, and I placed it back on my ear. " _It's safe now!_ " Ellis informed. " _Give 'em a taste of their own medicine!_ "

" ** _ARCHERS!_** " Jarvan, Ashe and I shouted simultaneously. Avarosan, Demacians and Solari drew bows all at once, nocking arrows.

" _ **IGNITE**_ _ **!**_ " Jarvan commanded. Ashe and I gave similar orders to our own troops. Torches were brought forth, and they briefly inserted the arrowheads into the open flame. As they were coated with dried oil (tech works, but old-school does the trick just fine), they caught fire almost instantaneously, flickering hungrily.

" _ **READY!**_ " All three of us shouted.

The archers drew back their arrows, until their lines were stretched taught.

" _ **AIM!**_ "

They pointed upwards, minuscule beacons of light in the early morning's darkness.

" _ **FIRE!**_ "

 _Fweet!_

 _Fweet fweet fweet fweet fweet!_

The arrows snapped from their bows, arcing into the sky. They briefly paused in the skies above, then hurtled downwards toward their targets, on flaming wings of fury.

A small sliver of satisfaction crawled up from my inner conscious as I watched them strike the Noxian regiments, which expanded as a few stray arrows were lucky enough to strike the chemical weaponry strapped to their officers. They exploded in a burst of acidic green and flaming scarlet, incinerating those unfortunate (or fortunate, from our perspective) enough to be within range of the blast radius.

If Swain didn't have such a callous disregard for life, he probably would've grimaced at the sight.

" _Mow 'em down!_ " I ordered Jinx.

"Oh, _finally!_ " She giggled. "And here I thought this was going to be boring!"

She placed one foot on the parapet, readying Shiro, her minigun. "You know, Noxians, I'll admit, I wasn't sold on the whole 'Star Guardian Honor Guard' thing when Helios broke it to me." I don't think they could hear her, but she's kinda crazy, so I doubt she cared. "Then Helios mentioned that I'd _still get to do it with bullets._ " The Loose Cannon grinned. "You were _so_ close to not-dying. Oh well!"

I think they were wishing for a little more luck in that regard, once Shiro started firing.

Case in point:

"Wanna wish upon a star?" Jinx asked. "Sorry, that's more Lux's thing! But if it's dying you want, I can definitely help with that!"

"It is _not!_ " Lux fumed. "You know that isn't how it works!"

"Glitter, happiness, joy, _oh yay look at us we're so happy,_ cuteness, protecting the universe, look at how happy we are doing it, blowing stuff up." Jinx replied. "Did I miss anything? I only came here to blow stuff up. Even if it's with glitter."

"All explosions are beautiful." I offered.

"See?!" Jinx asked. "Lighten _up,_ Lux!"

"That isn't funny." She pouted.

"Yes it is." I replied.

" _Focus,_ Helios!" Leona reprimanded. "They're still coming!" To illustrate her point, the Noxians retaliated with a catapult volley, taking chunks out of our numbers and the wall.

"Oh, right." I frowned. I cracked my neck. "Well, I guess it's about time I started doing stuff, right?"

" _No need. I have this covered._ " Ellis replied. " _Remember those cannons that I said needed time to warm up?_ "

 _ **B  
**_ ** _W  
A  
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!_**

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 _ **U**_  
 _ **M**_

 _ **B**_  
 _ **W**_  
 _ **A**_  
 _ **A**_  
 _ **U**_  
 _ **M**_  
 _ **!**_

" _They're all warmed up now._ "

I then saw firsthand why energy pulse cannons are so much cooler than regular cannons.

For one thing, energy pulse cannons have absolutely _lethal_ aim, and the blast radius is enough to nail ten Zaunite siege engines at once.

And another...it looked way cooler.

" _They can fire one shot every thirty seconds, but that shouldn't be a problem._ " Ellis continued. " _Wait, hold on...you've got incoming._ "

"Where?" I saw it before I was even finished asking.

The siege engines loaded up another volley, flinging them upwards above the wall. In fact, it looked like some of them were going to go _behind_ the wall. They were going to miss!

Then I noticed that the individual shells were smaller than they should be. Also, why were they pulsating _green?_

They didn't explode when they hit, either.

 _THWUNK!_

 _THWUNK_

 _THWUNK_

 _THWUNK_

 _THWUNK_

 _THWUNK!_

Just like before, we threw ourselves aside, but no explosion came. They buried themselves firmly in the wall, but no further activity came afterwards. I looked down over the parapets behind us to see the same was true for the rest of the projectiles.

The last thing I noticed was that each of them was made of metal, roughly melded together and jagged at the edges. It looked more like they'd chucked scrap heaps at us then explosives.

Still, knowing how Swain liked to do things...I readied my axe, flames steadily rising around the blade.

" _Guys...?_ " Ellis sounded nervous. " _I'm running scans, and...it looks like something might be in there._ "

Oh, _great._ It was just like the movies. Something weird catches everyone's eye, they get closer to investigate, then it bursts open and reveals Horrifying Death By Critters. Well, _no sir,_ that was _not_ going to happen today!

"Get back, _get back!_ " I urged everyone.

"I hear something moving inside." Shyvana said. Superior dragon hearing = major advantage. "It sounds like..." Her eyes went wide. " ** _DOWN!_** "

"Get down" is a fairly common phrase during times of war. I've actually lost count of all the times I've heard people say it when I watched from the skies. The thing is that during a war, a lot of things explode. Usually, hunkering down or hitting the dirt helps to mitigate the personal damage inflicted, so...you know. It actually has its uses.

Despite what Shyvana heard (she says it was the typical high-pitched whine that explosives made before going off), it actually _didn't_ explode.

I slowly peeked out from behind Leona's shield (say what you will, but that thing has a lot of cover to offer), confused. "Er...shouldn't it have exploded? Ana?" I glanced at my granddaughter.

"I thought that was what it would do." She frowned. "Maybe it's a dud?"

 _HIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS!_

Steam then poured from the cracks in the shell, as if it was waiting for Shyvana to jinx it.

 _CLINK!_

Something shifted from within.

 _Clink-clink-clink-clink-clack-clack-clack-clack!_

It was at that point that I noticed the various locking mechanisms around the hull, which were sliding open.

 _Oh my._ I thought to myself.

 _BAMF!_

The door was flung off its hinges. Because there was apparently a door.

And out stepped the Terminator.

...I'm kidding.

Kinda.

It was _built_ like one, as far as I could tell. A strangely muscular robotic body, with thick joints and robust limbs. The feet even had toes, like humans. The fingers were unusually long and spindly, with the fingertips as sharp as swords. The face itself was the most disturbing feature, completely blank with glowing red eyes. Faint whirring and humming could be heard from within its chassis, likely coming from its power source. It stood there, motionless, completely unresponsive, devoid of emotion.

In other words, Viktor's newest toy.

Jarvan stepped forward with his lance raised, but I put out an arm to block his path, shaking my head. The whole situation was way too suspicious to make an advance. Knowing Viktor, this automaton was probably a lot more than it seemed.

"State your business!" One of the Demacian soldiers with us stammered, holding up his spear as he inched towards it.

I facepalmed.

Demacians might've been brave, but their choice of vocabulary during battle was rather limited.

A few short seconds later, it turned out that I was right to facepalm.

That way, I was able to prevent myself from vomiting.

The automaton slowly turned its head to focus on the soldier who'd addressed it, gaze unwavering.

Then, in less than two seconds, it strode over, grabbed him in both of its hands, and ripped him in half.

" _SON OF A-_ " I barely managed to get the words out before it was coming towards _me,_ wrapping a hand around my throat and hoisting me into the air, while its free hand sprouted a blade from the back of its wrist. It was strong for a machine, and the grip it had around my neck was actually enough to strangle me.

However, since it was a machine, and I was apparently its primary target, it didn't think to look to the side to catch one of Shyvana's gauntlets heading straight for its head.

" _Hands off!_ " Shyvana snarled.

Her gauntlet melted through the head in the blink of an eye, leaving a cauterized stump at the neck.

Oh, but guess what?

That wasn't enough.

To everyone's general shock, it didn't even _flinch_ afterwards. It raised me a little higher, than _threw me_ into her, and we both went tumbling across the wall.

So, it wasn't a Terminator, more like a Magnaguard, I guess?

And this thing was _tough._ As the two of us watched in shock and horror, it openly met the swarm of Solari, Demacians and Freljordians coming towards it, as it had decided they were the bigger threat. Its claws cleaved through the ranks, flinging people off the wall and impaling them through the chest and head.

Our fury ignited as we watched our comrades die.

Never piss off a dragon and a star simultaneously. It won't end well.

The two of us lunged forward, and we were both encased in flames. Shyvana sprung first, tackling the automaton to the ground. She then proceeded to rip off one of its arms, igniting it, then lashed the machine's armor like it was a club. I joined her, pulling off its legs, then cutting off its waist with my axe, then brought my boot down on its body. It crumpled under the force applied, and I smirked with grim satisfaction as it went limp.

Then, its torso started glowing red-hot.

Guess who had a self-destruct feature? Viktor, you cheeky little bastard.

"You've gotta be-"

It exploded.

* * *

I shook the spots from my vision, looking up at where I'd fallen from the wall. Shyvana and the others groaned as they regained consciousness, sitting up beside me. "What the hell was _that?_ " She asked.

" _Self-destruct feature. What else?_ " Ellis replied through our communicators. " _And I'd suggest you get a move on. That wasn't the only automaton Viktor built. There are more, remember? And some of them landed **behind** the wall?_"

"Oh, _shit._ " My eyes widened, and I leapt to my feet and turned behind me. Viktor's automatons were tearing through our ranks, and they were heading directly for the Vanguard, Rakkor, and Sejuani's troops.

Then I realized that my musings included the Rakkor.

Leona and I sighed with a small amount of relief.

Why?

Just watch.

" ** _SHIELDS AT THE READY!_** " Pantheon ordered. " _ **FORM A DEFENSIVE LINE!**_ "

The Rakkor interlocked their shields, forming a wall of iron and steel against the approaching mechanical monstrosities. Their spears jutted out from the cracks, and with the combination of their bright crimson eyes (all Rakkor helmets create that effect - magic to make them more intimidating, and all that), they were a fearsome sight to behold.

" _ **HAH-OO! HAH-OO! HAH-OO** **!**_ " They chanted, scraping their spears along the edges of their shield each time.

There were only three-hundred of them (the rest of the Rakkor and Solari were either on the wall or holding position further into the city), but guess what?

Who cares?

They don't.

The automatons were strong, but the Rakkor were stronger. The machines collided with the defensive line, but didn't get any further, falling helplessly against Pantheon's troops. I'd seen Pantheon take a blow from Nautilus's _anchor_ on the Rift and stay standing. What were a bunch of machines against a few hundred more like him?

Their spears were also quality craftsmanship, so they pierced Viktor's toys just fine.

Their bodies began glowing red-hot once they lost their limbs and head, but Pantheon was ready. He barked a short command, and the Rakkor kneeled down, shields held above their heads. The explosions did little to faze them, and they resumed their standard position after the blasts had subsided.

But the problem with Viktor:

He's _smart._

And as an extension, so are his automatons.

After five solid minutes of battering the Rakkor's shields pointlessly, they switched tactics. Instead of ramming into the shields, they used them as _springboards,_ vaulting over the line and sprinting away, at twice the speed of a regular human being. Pantheon was torn, but commanded the Rakkor to hold the line. They would never catch up with them in time, and they couldn't afford to break up their defense when it would do no good at all.

" _Guys guys guys guys guys **guys.**_ " Ellis frantically said. " _They're heading towards the evacuation point. They're going after the civilians._ "

Son of a-

Viktor just _couldn't resist,_ could he?

No way in _hell_ was he taking them for experimentation. His Glorious Evolution wasn't going to make any progress in _my_ town.

"Stay here and defend the wall!" I ordered everyone else. "I'll go help them out!"

"By _yourself?_ " Riven asked, incredulous.

I rolled my eyes. "Uh, _no._ I have _them,_ remember?"

I jerked a thumb over my shoulder.

The automatons had run into _another_ little problem.

The Vanguard and Freljordians. If you could call them a _little_ problem, that is.

" _PUSH THEM BACK!_ " Garen ordered, running to meet them head-on. He cleaved his sword through their ranks, charging into them like a rampaging bull. Tryndamere, Taric and Olaf joined him, slashing and smashing their way down the streets. Sejuani charged forward on Bristle, lashing her whip and goring the attackers with her boar's gargantuan tusks. Jarvan the Third wielded his own lance alongside the Demacians, slicing and impaling the stragglers.

Ellis had his own part to play, too. Turrets activated on the tops of buildings and along the walls, unloading into the automatons as they got within range. The rounds themselves didn't do much to puncture their armor, but they were able to cripple them, locking onto their segmented joints and blasting off limbs.

A stray automaton decided that Garen needed to die for its objective to succeed, and jumped several stories high, aiming to catch him by surprise from above.

Then a knife embedded itself in its head, others cutting through its limbs in quick succession. Katarina met the machine in midair, grappling it and performing a Shunpo, transporting it outside the immediate battle. She teleported back, and watched with satisfaction as it exploded.

"You're welcome!" She called out to Garen.

"What?!" He asked. "I'm a little busy!" He impaled an automaton with his sword, hoisting it up and slamming it to the ground. He threw it off his sword and into its clones, where they all detonated simultaneously as a result.

"You were about to die again!" Katarina Shunpo'd behind another machine, sweeping its legs out from under it before finishing it off, dodging away from its detonation via back-handspring. She tossed a knife into another's torso, then spun into a Death Lotus, hitting every target she had. "I saved your life!"

"Thank you!" Garen replied, shoulder-charging an automaton and crushing it against a wall.

"I know! I already said that you're welcome! Just pay attention next time!" She said, sliding underneath his legs and slicing through another robot.

"Y'know, I might be one for couple's banter myself..." I dropped down on an automaton from above, slicing it in half from the head to its waist. I flung it upwards with gravity, where it exploded shortly after, illuminating the night skies like fireworks. "But really, this is ridiculous. _Focus,_ people!"

"He's right." Talon came out of nowhere and unleashed a barrage of shuriken, vaulting over me to finish off a stray robot with his blade. "This isn't the place for fun."

"You're just mad because Quinn isn't here with you." Katarina shot back.

Talon actually blushed, and I snickered as a result.

" _CAN IT, PANSIES!_ " Sejuani yelled, tossing a Glacial Prison. Machines are particularly vulnerable to ice, and these ones were no exception. They were briefly frozen solid, completely immobile, before Bristle trampled them into powder. " _WE'RE FIGHTING A WAR, AND I'M NOT IN THE MOOD TO LISTEN TO YOU RUN YOUR MOUTHS!_ " Sejuani goes a little crazy when high on bloodlust. And by a little, I mean a lot. One of the quirks of knowing her, I guess.

Despite the progress we were making, more carrier pods (that's just what I'm going to call them) were dropping, and automatons filed out by the dozens each time. The streets were coated red with blood, as more and more of our numbers fell to their talons and strength. They aren't particularly picky about how they kill someone, which was unfortunate for my stomach.

"This isn't working!" I shouted, punching through an automaton's chest and hurling it all the way over the edge of the wall. "They just keep coming!"

"Well, what the hell do you expect us to do?!" Katarina demanded. She dashed into the advancing swarm, slashing at all their weak points before teleporting back to Garen, the two of them back-to-back. "It isn't like there's an end to these things or anything!"

" _I...may have a solution to that problem._ " Ellis replied.

"Well, spit it out! We don't have a lot of time!" Katarina barked.

" _Well, for one thing, from what I'm getting, these things aren't acting by themselves. They're being controlled remotely._ " Ellis brought up an image on the screen, showing a diagram of the automatons. " _Scans are indicating that they have a command matrix in their torsos, which means they're receiving a signal from somewhere._ "

"Alright, fine, so that means we have to cut off the source." I concluded, while I was melting a robot into liquified metal. "How exactly do we do that?"

 _ **H  
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!_**

The _hell?_

All across the city, the fighting briefly stopped. Even the automatons paused, intrigued by the sudden outburst. Was that a _roar?_ Oh, _gods,_ not _another_ Baron Nashor!

" _Ah...right. **That.**_ " I could practically hear the sweat-drop in the summoner's voice. " _So...um...I really don't know how to put this delicately, so I'm going to be blunt. Y'see, my scans just picked up an anomaly on the radar, and upon investigating, I discovered-_ "

 _ **F  
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!_**

And at that moment, Bright and Shining Death rained down from the skies.

Three white-hot torrents of _plasma_ struck the ground, then haphazardly spread to just about everything else in the immediate vicinity. Marble statues and buildings melted under the intense heat, and a few unlucky men and women (yes, Freljordian women fight, of course they do, why wouldn't they?) caught in the crossfire were vaporized on the spot. I dove for cover, because while I can take Syndra dropping a mountain on me, it would still hurt, and while I'm immune to heat, plasma can do plenty of _other_ things that would be particularly painful.

Garen tackled Katarina out of the way just as it was about to hit her, and they both went tumbling into an alley. Katarina, for once, didn't have any distasteful comments to add, as the two of them kept their heads down as they were sprawled on the ground. Sejuani, the idiot, decided to chuck Glacial Prisons at wherever the plasma was coming from, screaming with rage. Part of me suspected the plasma torrents were actually afraid of her, as they never once struck her or her pig. The others either weaved and dodged around them or tried to find cover, which they did.

Then, as quickly as they'd come (and leveled the entire street, which was now full of blackened and scorched buildings), they stopped.

 _ **FWUMP!**_

 _ **FWUMP!**_

 _ **FWUMP!**_

It wasn't because the threat had left, unfortunately.

In fact, our problems were just beginning.

Because those _fwumps_ sounded an awful lot like wingbeats.

And then the monstrosity revealed itself, divebombing out of the sky.

Oh, and it tackled me.

Because apparently like its fellow robots, it considered me a prime target.

I let out an _oof_ as I was plowed all the way up the street, into what used to be the Demacian Archives (they'd been emptied beforehand during the evacuation, fortunately). I say "used to be" because a millisecond afterwards, a tail the length of Nautilus's anchor chain whipped me straight through it, out into another courtyard.

I didn't even have time to get up, as I was then pinned to the ground by a clawed foot the size of Draven's ego. ...Just kidding. That would've meant it was bigger than Runeterra as a whole. It was really about as big as a horse-drawn carriage, which was still pretty damn big.

I also got a better look at my assailant.

Four wings. Three fanged, snarling heads with menacing red eyes. Three tails, and talons the size of my whole lower half. A body that stretched a quarter of the entire street, and almost as wide.

And all of that big ol' beastie was completely mechanical.

Clockwork and metalworking made up its armor, while jagged iron spikes ran up its spine. Even the wings were some kind of metallic membrane, although it was apparently thin enough to enable flight.

" _They, um...they have a dragon._ " Ellis finished. " _A giant robot dragon. I'd be nerding out if I wasn't so terrified._ "

And perched there, at the base of the Why Does This Exist's neck, was Viktor.

"We aren't interrupting anything, are we?" The Machine Herald asked. "Pardon us, but I have need of new test subjects. And you are the primary obstacle preventing me from achieving that goal. So logically, you must be _eliminated._ "

Sometimes, I really _hate_ mad science.

* * *

Of _all_ the things Viktor could've cooked up...a _dragon? Really?_ I found that to be in poor taste.

"A beautiful specimen, isn't it?" Viktor almost sounded _doting._ Which must've been difficult, considering that he'd dulled his emotions to the point of Why Would You Even Do That, but they weren't _completely_ gone. Just enough to make him sound like a smug, condescending asshole.

"Dragons are apex predators." He continued. "Nothing but raw firepower and strength, coupled with intelligence that rivals my own. But still they are _weak._ Held back by irrational fear and emotion."

"So, what, you made a metal dragon just to prove your point?" I raised an eyebrow. Part of me was starting to wonder if the robot actually _was_ better than the original. No emotion meant no selfishness. Dragons, as you know, tend to be way too greedy for their own good, and everyone else's. Well, Shyvana's bloodline is the exception, and Viktor _definitely_ hadn't created something better than _that,_ but as most of dragonkind went...mission accomplished, on Viktor's part.

"In part, yes." Viktor replied. "Dragons have habits of playing with their food. They would rather inflate their pride than go for the _kill._ Allow me to show you how I've remedied that."

I'm gonna be honest, what happened next actually hurt. It was one of the more humiliating blows to my pride, considering that I just sat there and let it happen to me.

The hydra (basically what it was) picked me up and threw me through a few more buildings, and I tumbled into the Grand Plaza, skidding to a stop against a wall.

I didn't even have a _second_ to recover before it was already on top of me, raining down blows with its talons and the claws on its wings. And they were _sharp,_ too. I crossed my arms in front of my face to shield myself from the brunt of the attack, and my arms got some nasty cuts as a result. Great, my armor was _already_ getting torn to shreds. How nice. Why is it so hard for me to keep my clothes in one piece? Is it too much to ask?

I set my arms ablaze, then grabbed one of the claws as it descended, already starting to melt at the point of contact. But then _Viktor,_ the cheeky little bastard, with that _stupid baton_ of his, gifted me with an electric shock. I cursed as several thousand volts jolted through my body, which I _definitely_ felt. I gritted my teeth, then managed to force Viktor's hydra off of me with a gravitational burst. I shakily stood, panting, then picked up my axe.

Then a tail whipped me into another building.

Oh, the indignity.

I snarled, entering light-speed, but I'd only gone two steps forward to kick the thing's ass when I was suddenly jerked backward. I looked back to see that Viktor had deployed a gravitational field, rooting me in place. I yelped as I watched three bursts of plasma rocket towards me at an alarming speed, and I answered with a two-handed barrage of plasma myself.

" _You seem to be having a bit of trouble._ " Ellis noted.

"Not- ngh! Not now, Ellis!" I grunted, straining with effort.

" _Isn't that what_ we _usually say to_ you?" He asked.

" _WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!_ " I replied.

" _Right, right, sorry. I guess you don't want my help, then. I'll leave you to your beatdown._ " The line went dead.

" _WAIT ELLIS NO I'M SORRY I NEED HELP PLEASE THIS SUCKS!_ " I yelled.

" _Oh, look who comes crawling back._ " Ellis drily replied. " _Alright, don't get your constellations in a twist, I've got you covered. With MISSILES!_ "

 _ **BOOM!**_

 _ **BOOM!**_

 _ **BOOM!**_

The hydra roared in outrage and agony, whipping its heads back to locate the source of the sudden attack on its magnificent visages.

" _Well, hello there!_ " Turrets, missile launchers, and every kind of lethal weapon that made explosions you can think of were propped up along the city streets, and all of them had red-dot sights aimed at the hydra. " _I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but the red-dot sights are actually unnecessary. They can lock on just fine by themselves. I just want you to know how much deep shit you're in._ " Ellis had apparently installed speakers on every single one of them, because he wanted to be able to rub it in Viktor's face directly while he was killing him. At least, that's what Ellis tells me.

"The _tinkerer._ " Viktor somehow managed to make such a silly word seem vile and disgusting. His Mother Freljord accent (I'm only kidding, but he does kinda sound like Evil Robot Braum sometimes) only made it sound even _more_ villainous, and for once, there was a significantly greater amount of emotion in his voice. "Come to regale me with your toys and contraptions?"

" _Says the dude who made a mechanical dragon just because he thought regular dragons needed an_ upgrade." Ellis countered. " _Really, man...robot, whatever you are._ Three heads? _That's a little much._ "

"I construct and adapt machines from organic life for the purpose of _evolution._ " I got the impression that he was glowering. Hard to tell, since his eyes are the equivalent of massive lightbulbs. "I _improve_ upon their _flaws._ You design and build for the purpose of amusement. Your work follows the principle of form over function. I am very much the opposite."

" _Oh, I'd be happy to show you_ all _my toys._ " Ellis replied. " _Which ones do you want to play with first?_ "

"You believe you can best me?" Viktor asked. "I possess an apex predator capable of leveling the entirety of the city _and_ its defenses."

" _Well, I don't know, I've currently got a quantum splice detonator ticking away behind you, you tell me._ " Ellis said.

I had no idea what that was, but it must've been something Viktor saw as a legitimate threat to his safety, because he and his hydra instantly whirled around.

It was one of the oldest tricks in the book, and yet he'd fallen for it.

Ellis's turrets _blammed_ away, lighting up the early morning darkness in yellow-orange. Missile launchers added scarlet explosions to the mix, forcing the monstrosity to turn away and reel backwards under the onslaught.

The hydra roared, leaping to the nearest turret and ripping it up from the ground, thrashing it around furiously in its mouth. It was then knocked loose as a missile hit one of its heads square in the eye, momentarily blinding it. The hydra fired a blast of plasma as a response, melting it into slag.

Then another turret rose up from the ground behind it. It fired some sort of electrified bola, tying the hydra's tails together. The turret was torn apart shortly afterwards, but I was beginning to see what Ellis was trying to do.

More turrets sprouted, and this time they were armed with what looked like harpoons. They fired at its wings, attached to steel cables. They impaled the limbs at where the bone would be (if it had bones), then began to reel in, pulling the entire body to the ground. The hydra roared and thrashed, ripping a few cables loose, but more soon took their place, and soon the hydra was unable to move save for its heads.

Then, hatches opened in the floor, and tiny spider-like drones began crawling out. They were about the size of a human head, and were equipped with blowtorches. They scurried up the mechanical beast's legs and along its necks (plural), then began burning away at the material. Apparently they were attempting to decapitate it by blowtorching it.

"Enough." Viktor said.

Then, the hydra's body was suddenly electrified, Viktor included, although he didn't seem affected. Most likely he had some sort of protective shielding, but again, biology was more my thing. I didn't know shit about tech. The drones shuddered and smoked, proceeding to explode like firecrackers. Viktor briefly jumped off to allow the hydra to roll over, its sharp spines and tail slicing through the steel cables pinning it down. It then unleashed another torrent of plasma, rotating its heads to burn through all of Ellis's available turrets.

Viktor then climbed back on, as the beast roared triumphantly. "Did you really believe that would work?" He asked. "Did you honestly believe that my perfected creation couldn't withstand your turrets and toys?"

" _Don't be stupid, of course not._ " Ellis replied dismissively. " _I just needed to give Shyvana time to get over here so she can kick your knockoff's ass._ "

And that was when thirty tons of scaly muscle, burning rage and one-hundred percent He's So Screwed slammed into Viktor's latest toy.

* * *

You're probably wondering why I didn't help out at some point during Ellis's brief distraction. Well, I was mainly busy catching my breath. I'd actually gotten the wind knocked out of me for a minute. Then Ellis sent a drone to repair my clothing, so that _also_ took a little while.

Also, once the show started, why the hell would I want to pass up the chance to see my granddaughter kick ass? It's best to let the kids strut their stuff sometimes, you know? Otherwise they get cranky because you're being too overprotective. Not that I would _ever_ neglect Shyvana's safety, but it's easier for me to relax due to the fact that my granddaughter can turn into a dragon.

Speaking of which...

" _ **FEAR MY WRATH!**_ " She roared, kicking out with her hind legs and pinning the hydra to the ground, simultaneously unleashing a torrent of flames into its heads as they skidded along, smashing several buildings into rubble. She opened her wings, lifting the monster up into the air before dropping it into a building near the Hall of Valor. That was a monument to fallen warriors, which slightly worried me, but seeing as how most of the city was probably going to be rebuilt after the battle anyways, I was willing to let it go.

" _YEAH! THAT'S MY LITTLE GIRL!_ " I cheered, feeling a burst of pride in my chest. They grew up so fast. Next she'd be pulling pranks and referencing things, possibly at the same time. _Maybe even while fighting._ The idea nearly made me shed a tear.

" _Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to go help her out?_ " Ellis asked.

"Yeah, sure, but she's probably got it covered." I replied. "You know what she's like when she gets as mad as she does."

" _True._ " Ellis agreed. " _But there's still Viktor to contend with. He might have something up his non-existent sleeves, so I'd suggest removing him from the equation as quickly as possible._ "

"I can do that." I replied, jogging towards the scene of the unfolding battle. There, I found Shyvana and Viktor's hydra circling one another, snarling. Shyvana's footsteps scorched the ground beneath her, which indicated that she was angrier than usual for her dragon form. Despite the fact that she was smaller than the hydra, she wasn't afraid to stand her ground, and I had no doubt in my mind that she could hold her own. Besides, Shyvana's dragon form is actually bigger when she's off the Rift. They have to mitigate her power to make it an even match for the other champions.

"Ah, the half-breed." Viktor said. "The only half-dragon currently alive. I would be very interested in collecting you for study...and enhancement."

" _And **I** would be interested in collecting your **head.**_ " Shyvana growled. " _It's been a while since I had a new chew-toy._ "

"I must admit, I had you in mind when constructing my latest experiment." Viktor said. "What better way to demonstrate technological superiority than to test it against the original? This is a rare treat. I'm almost excited to discover the results."

" _Let's find out together, shall we?_ " Shyvana asked, snorting smoke from her nostrils.

"Agreed." Viktor replied.

They surged forward, rearing up on their hind legs. Shyvana roared, slamming into the hydra's body and forcing it back. The hydra's heads snapped and hissed at her face as they grappled necks, and she snapped back, letting out spurts of flame as she forced it across the city streets. She headbutted the hydra's chest, at the base of the neck, causing it to stumble. She hacked at it with her claws, tearing off chunks of its armor, then lunged at one of its heads, sinking her teeth into the metallic surface and bearing down on it, in an attempt to force the monster to the ground.

Viktor wasn't having that, though. With his third arm, he shot a Chaos Beam directly between her eyes, leading her to release her grip on the hydra's neck and cry out in pain, rearing up on her hind legs as she attempted to shake off the blinding effects. The hydra then seized the opportunity to slam into her, knocking her through the Hall of Valor and sprawling out the other side.

" _SHYVANA!_ " I screamed, distressed. My rage spiked, and I glared at the Machine Herald, adding him to my Permanently Kill list. I thrust the blade of my axe into the ground, cracking my knuckles and stepping forward.

" _NO!_ " Shyvana yelled, picking herself up from the rubble. " _THIS IS **MY** FIGHT!_"

" _ARE YOU_ **_NUTS?!_** " I replied. " _YOU EXPECT ME TO JUST SIT HERE AND WATCH?!_ "

" _I expect you to trust me._ " Shyvana said.

I started, then stopped. I looked warily at the advancing hydra, then sighed and nodded. "Go get 'em, Ana." I smiled. "Show Viktor who the _real_ dragon is around these parts."

She gave a feral grin. " _They are **nothing** before me._"

She stood up, rearing her head back. A fireball erupted from her maw, exploding against the beast's armored hide. It tumbled backwards, its wings and tails flailing awkwardly in the air. Viktor was flung from its back, landing in a pile of rubble nearby. He pulled himself out, then aimed his baton at Shyvana, revving it up with electricity.

" _HELLOOOOOOOOOOO!_ " I greeted him with a dropkick, and he tumbled further up the street. "How about we keep things between you and me, asshole? I frown heavily upon cheating. Especially when you already have the advantage in size."

" _What he said!_ " Ellis agreed. " _Kick his ass already! Those turrets were my babies! Except for Sona, my prime baby. Whoops, I'm getting sidetracked. Nevermind, I'm just...gonna...go now._ "

"It didn't seem to help much." Viktor regarded the spectacle with interest. Despite the fact that I wanted to tear him a new one, I allowed myself to turn my focus to the battle between my granddaughter and his latest creation. The hydra fired blasts of plasma, which she weaved around like a snake (almost-reptile powers for the win), enveloping herself in flames. The ground beneath her melted and bubbled from the heat, and she flung some of the molten rock into its eyes with her tail. It howled, then whipped her with its own three tails, and she flew backwards. She opened her wings at the last second, slowing her progress until she came to a complete stop, landing on her feet. The hydra charged, mouths dripping with plasma, tearing up the street with its claws. Rather than go to meet it, Shyvana remained rooted to the spot, focused on her target. Just as it reached her, she clamped her jaws around its middle neck and _flung it over her_ , kinda like a sumo wrestler. It topped into what remained of the Hall of Valor, smashing it to pieces.

I frowned, confused. Shyvana should _not_ have been able to chuck that much weight with her neck alone. She was able to push it back with her entire body weight, but to throw it with her _neck_ _?_ That was something new entirely.

Most dragons can throw something around twice their own size with their necks, but that's about it. Shyvana had done something similar with a hydra _three times her own size and weight,_ which should've been impossible.

Unless...

I pushed the thought down. It could wait until after the battle. I had enough to worry about.

Still, watching her fight like this sent a shiver of excitement down my spine. Every day, she reminded me why I was so proud of her. She was the best I could ever ask for in a grandchild. I'd never have it any other way. I could literally fawn over her day after-

I screamed (more with shock than anything else) as thousands of volts of electricity barged their way into my system, causing my body to jerk and spasm.

I twisted around as they subsided, glaring at Viktor, who'd had the nerve to shock me from behind with his baton. A shudder of anger raced up and down my skin soon afterwards.

"Don't think that I am content to sit and watch as my creation is destroyed, Helios." He said. "If I cannot capture the dragon, then I will have to settle for eliminating _you._ "

"You're more than welcome to _try._ " I snarled. "But it isn't going to end well."

" _They_ would like to disagree." Viktor replied, gesturing around him.

Automatons crawled over the edges of buildings and rubble like spiders, surrounding me in a circle. They fixated their unfeeling gaze on me, extending their talons and patiently circling, almost like a pack of wolves.

"You really think your machines are going to be enough?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"To be determined." Viktor said. "An experiment to decide who lives and who dies. And I have no intention of losing that gamble."

In the background, Shyvana was taking some nasty hits from Viktor's hydra, who was unleashing torrents of plasma while raining down blows on her thick skin. The only reason she was even _alive_ was because of her natural immunity to heat. She snarled, knocking it backwards, then took off into the skies, the hydra spreading its four wings and launching after her in quick pursuit, as they soared up above the clouds and out of sight.

"Right, because a cyborg versus a god is a _completely_ fair fight." I rolled my eyes.

"Once my creation returns with the corpse of your granddaughter, I should think so, yes." Viktor replied. "Then, I will take both your bodies for enhancement, and present the finished work to General Swain. He'll pay handsomely for two new pets. Perhaps he will pit the dragon against the Prince in the Fleshing, for the ironic amusement. I have no concern for whether this will be the actual outcome or not, but my research requires funding, and if that is what is required, then so be it."

(AN: This is Old Lore Viktor, by the way. Just to let you guys know. Current Lore Viktor is currently out of the picture for the moment.)

I hummed in response, then regarded him with a blank stare.

"That was by far the _dumbest thing_ you could've said to me." I said. "Really, Viktor, you aren't even the main villain. Why'd you have to go and make threats that'll only piss me off _more?_ "

"Kill him." Viktor commanded.

The automatons lunged at me from all directions, talons bared and with murderous intent, but, then again, that's kind of a given, considering they're killer robots. I really need to stop stating the obvious. I've probably said this a dozen times already, and I'll say it again now.

I let out a gravitational burst, flinging them back, advancing on the Machine Herald. I'd already set my goal, and he wasn't going to stop it from happening. I grabbed an automaton by the neck as it sprang, then ripped it in half, tossing the scraps to the ground on either side of me. I hurled a plasma bolt through the chest of another, then levitated it up and threw it into four others, which promptly exploded from the first's detonation. I sidestepped out of the way of a clawed hand streaking down towards my throat, grabbing the arm it was attached to and throwing the machine up and over me to the ground. I pressed my boot down on its torso and ripped the arm off, then crushed its body with the foot that was still on it. I kicked it away, then spun into a crouch as more robots came at me in a circle, slicing through them at the waist with the arm I'd procured.

I punched through an automaton's chest as it leapt at me, yanking out its core and throwing it like a fastball at six of its buddies, which exploded. Detonators are useful, sure, but only when your target isn't someone who can take all of them simultaneously. Then, well...not so much.

I stomped the ground with one foot. Huge thorny vines sprung up from where my sole touched the pavement, impaling the remaining machines through the chest. The vines then caught on fire, and the robots shuddered and thrashed helplessly as they melted and combusted, exploding into shrapnel.

I sighed. "Now. Where were we?" I raised my arm, and my axe flew into my hand. I strode towards Viktor, who was rapidly retreating. I swatted a Chaos Beam out of the way with my axe, incinerating a Power Siphon as it was thrown my way (I wasn't going to let him drain my energy, no sir). As a last resort, Viktor summoned a Chaos Storm above me, creating a singularity of electricity around me. I rolled my eyes, then zipped out of the way at light-speed, right behind Viktor.

He leveled his baton at my chest, but with a quick flick of my wrist, I sliced it in half with my axe.

Then I embedded the blade in his forehead, and pulled him over my shoulder using my weapon's shaft as a lever. He hit the ground, lying on his back with an axe-blade in his forehead.

Despite that, he _still_ wasn't dead, coughing and gasping as oil leaked out from the edges of his mask.

"You're going to die, Viktor." I said.

"Yes. It would appear so." He replied. Utterly cold, even in the face of death. "The Glorious Evolution will continue without me."

"Yeah?" I said. "Who's going to lead it for you?"

"Urgot is a prime example of the possibilities of technological enhancement." He answered. "He would be a worthy candidate."

"Yeah, he's going to die too." I deadpanned. "Or maybe not. Depends on my mood."

He chuckled, but there wasn't really anything behind it. "I suppose I only have a simple hypothesis to work with, then."

I nodded. "Sorry. I realize that it's been your life's work for a while, but you've got to go."

"Do it, then." Viktor replied. His last words, and they lacked any sort of dramatic appeal. What a bore.

I reached down and plucked my axe from his head. Then, I crouched over his torso, placing both hands on either side of his face. They began to glow and bubble with heat, until they were completely molten.

Then, I pressed my hands together, and there was no resistance from Viktor's head at all.

I slowly stood, allowing the heat to fade, and observed Viktor's headless corpse. I raised a hand and lit up the remains. I had to be certain he wouldn't be repaired by any one of his fanatics (there were a surprising amount in Zaun).

I shivered, but it wasn't from anything emotional. It was oddly chilly for a spring morning in Demacia.

A deep rumbling came from the darkness above, and I looked up to see a battered and shredded mass of scrap metal and machinery tumble down from the skies, coated in sapphire blue flames. It hit the ground in front of me with a _whomp,_ a cerulean fireball exploding from its carcass due to the impact. The hydra was missing all of its heads and wings, but judging from the flaming bits of debris that rained down soon after, Shyvana had just wanted to play with them a little more.

She landed next to me, shrinking down into her human form. "Blue flames, huh?" I asked. "That's new. When were you going to tell me you could do _that?_ "

"I wanted it to be a surprise." She replied. "It takes a lot of effort, and it's only gotten easier since I-" She stopped. "Nevermind. I'll tell you later."

I shivered again, goosebumps popping up beneath my armor. Okay, what was _up_ with the weather? Why was it suddenly so cold?

Then a drop of moisture landed on my hair. Curious, I reached up to pluck it out, then examined it in my hands. It had already melted, but I could still see hints of frozen crystals in the small puddle of water in my palm.

I looked up just in time to catch another flake on my face, blinking as it tickled my skin.

"Snow? At this time of year?" Shyvana asked. Sure enough, it started _snowing,_ and the flakes were steadily becoming thicker and more numerous.

A blast of freezing wind suddenly hit, and I shivered again.

 _Crack._

 _Crack-crack-crack-crack-crack._

I looked down to see that the floor was turning _blue._ It was _freezing,_ expanding to cover the surrounding area.

The fighting briefly stopped as the gathered champions observed the strange phenomenon.

Then I blanched.

As I watched the ice expand to the front gates of Demacia. Which were a part of the wall.

The ice slithered up the stone barrier, enveloping it until it was an otherworldly, frigid blue. Then that ice turned into a dark, blackened shade, crawling up in veins of darkness that soon covered the entirety of our defenses.

" _FALL BACK! **FALL BACK!**_ " I heard Jarvan faintly shout. Troops raced down the walkways, abandoning their posts to join the Crown Prince at the bottom. They retreated in my direction, then set up a defensive line with Pantheon.

 _ **B  
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And so the walls came tumbling down, in an explosion of ice and frost.

" ** _I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A JARVAN!_** " An all-too-familiar voice roared from behind the mist. " _ **KILL THEM ALL, BUT THE PRINCE IS MINE!**_ "

Sion.

Trolls began clamoring over the remains of the shattered gates, joined by the bulk of the Noxian invasion.

Lissandra was here too. But I'd already known that.

What I _should've_ known was that she'd bring the Frozen Watchers with her.

A spark of pain suddenly flared along my neck.

" _Ow._ " I smacked my hand against the spot where I'd felt it happen, bringing it down.

And stared into the remains of a small, black spider, which at first glance, appeared completely unremarkable.

Except that _this_ particular breed was venomous.

Oh, _shit._

* * *

 _ **And so ends the first chapter :P. This probably focused a little too much on Viktor and his toys. Next time, we'll focus on the Frozen Watchers and the Shadow Isles, and you can probably guess who Helios has to deal with next. This chapter took twice as much time to make, so please leave a review to let me know what you thought of it! Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	42. Showdown: The Spiders Strike Back

_**What's going on, everybody? We're back, and with part two of the finale! And to think we're getting so close! I mean, I've already got a few things planned for my projects after this (the first big one will be my Overwatch x League crossover, which a lot of you appear to want), but still - it's crazy that I'll be able to get to them so soon. So, for the recap of last chapter, the invasion of Demacia began, which included cannons, 300 references, and the death of Old Lore Viktor. Permanently. He's not coming back, ladies and gentlemen. That's it for him. Old Lore Viktor is officially gone for good. The Frozen Watchers also breached the wall, and Helios was just bitten by one of Elise's (surprise surprise) little angels. Which happened to be venomous. This chapter will focus on the Shadow Isles and Watchers, and you'll find out that the Shadow Isles champions aren't all going to one side. So, shall we?**_

* * *

I blanched at the crushed spider's remains in my hand, trembling.

And then I promptly collapsed, already unconscious.

You see, not only was the spider that had just bitten me venomous, but it was a Kumungu Widow. Which is a particularly nasty breed. Their venom can knock out a fully grown man within seconds of entering the bloodstream, as you just saw...read. Whatever. The reason it doesn't kill the prey outright is because Kumungu Widows like to live in swarms, where they can devour their prey just minutes after biting it. It's a bit like watching piranhas do their thing on a cow, only the piranhas have eight legs and can shoot thread from their butts. The venom wears off after a few minutes, so the spiders have to keep biting to keep their prey unconscious.

When I came to, I was hanging upside down, and had a splitting headache. That was most likely just from the blood gathered up in my head, but that didn't mean anything, really. It was still annoying.

I heard a groan next to me, and I looked to see Shyvana in the same position, covered in spiderwebs. "What...the hell...?" Shyvana murmured, blinking her bleary eyes as they opened. "Hey! How the hell did we get up here?!"

"Take a wild guess." I replied. "Also, where is _here?_ "

I took a look around me. It looked like we were suspended on the Temple of the Lightborn's ceiling, but the temple itself had been gothed out. The temple's curtains had been drawn over the windows, and thick spiderwebs hung in just about every nook and cranny. Black mist hovered above the ground, dashed with ethereal green wisps that flashed into existence every now and then. Spiders crawled around the pillars, occasionally reinforcing the webs or, uh...laying eggs in the corner. I didn't know what to make of that.

"Enjoying the view?"

I looked down with a deadpan. "What do you think? I mean, really, Elise? Was this necessary? We could've just duked it out in the Plaza."

Elise chuckled from her makeshift throne of spiderwebs at the back of the room, sitting cross-legged with one elbow on the armrest, propping her chin on her knuckles. "Where would the fun be in that? Besides, the decor outside isn't much to my liking. I wanted to welcome you in a more... _fitting_ setting." She smirked. "Welcome to my parlor, little flies."

"Ugh, spider puns." I stuck my tongue out, disgusted. "At least try to be original."

"Couldn't resist. My apologies." Despite being sadistic, Elise is oddly polite about killing people. Most of the time.

"Anyways, where's your boss?" I asked. "If you're here, than he probably isn't far behind."

"Lord Vilemaw's preoccupied with the city's inner defenses at the moment." She informed. A spiderling crawled around her wrist, and she stroked it lovingly. "He wanted me to secure the two of you while he worked up his appetite."

I grimaced. I already knew what _that_ meant.

"So, what? We're the main course?" Shyvana asked.

"But of course." Elise smiled. "A god and a dragon? My Lord hasn't had such a feast in _centuries!_ "

"It'll be a shame to disappoint him, then." She snarled. "Because the only thing he's going to find when he gets back is your _corpse._ "

Her body exploded into flames, and she made an attempt to spread her arms and tear through the webbing. To her (and my) surprise, the webbing held fast. There wasn't even the faintest scorch mark as the flames dissipated.

Elise placed a hand to her mouth, snickering. "Did you really think that I wouldn't be prepared? A little dark magic was all that it took to strengthen the webbing enough to become immune to heat. You won't be leaving anytime soon."

I sighed. "If that's the case, could you at _least_ turn us around so that we're upright? I'm getting a splitting headache."

"And why would I cater to your demands?" She quirked an eyebrow. " _I'm_ the one holding _you_ captive."

"True, but since we're upside down, all the blood's going to our heads. If Vilemaw tries to clamp down on us our heads'll explode. All of our blood will come out, and then it'll be a ruined meal." I replied.

Elise hummed thoughtfully. "I suppose I can grant you that one request." She snapped her fingers, and two spiderlings the size of panthers moved down from the ceiling, slicing through the webs holding us up and grabbing us in their sharpened legs. They flipped us upright, then reattached the strands. We were still captive, but it was better then being stuck upside down.

Then, everything fell into silence.

I coughed awkwardly after a few minutes, watching the spiders do their spidery things. "So...are we just going to wait, or..." I trailed off.

"Yes." Elise replied.

I deadpanned. "I'm bored."

"My heart bleeds." She replied.

"Do you...maybe have any music, movies, coloring books I can occupy myself with?" I asked.

"No."

"You're not helping." Shyvana said, fixing me with a dry glare.

"I am _too!_ " I protested. "What's wrong with trying to make our deaths more entertaining?"

"Wait!" I realized something in that instant. "Where are our communicators?"

"Oh, you mean _these?_ " Spiderlings brought them to Elise's hand, and she admired them curiously. "I'm no scientist, but these are clearly well-made. Men and their toys, honestly."

Just then, and at the worst possible time, Shyvana's communicator started beeping. Meaning Ellis was attempting to contact us.

"Who could that be, I wonder?" Elise gave us a sinister grin. "I think I'll pick up for you."

She pressed the button, and pressed it to her ear. "Well, _hello there._ " She said. "And who might _this_ be?"

Something inaudible came from the other end.

"You're going to...what?" She asked.

And that was when an electric shock went coursing through the communicator and into Elise's head.

The Spider Queen cried out in pain, her body going taught as thousands of volts of electricity introduced themselves to her nerves (electricity's been kinda popular recently, hasn't it?). She ripped the device from her ear, glaring at it furiously. " _Insolent **brat!**_ " She seethed, her chest heaving as she caught her breath. She crushed it in her claws, tossing away the scraps.

"I'll make sure to deal with _him_ when Lord Vilemaw's finished devouring you." Elise spat. "Well...not quite. It's a bit difficult to go outside at the moment."

A gust of cold air sneaked in from under the door, and all three of us shivered, as if to illustrate her point. "Damn Lissandra and her Watchers." Elise looked up at the ceiling distastefully. "My subjects and I can't get out in this weather. Only Lord Vilemaw can withstand such temperatures."

" _AHA! YOU REVEAL YOUR WEAKNESS AT LAST!_ " I shouted triumphantly.

"And you're going to exploit it...how?" Elise asked.

I blinked.

"Touché." I replied. "You must be so smug right now."

"I am." Elise agreed. "Look at me. I'm completely vulnerable, and yet you can only sit there and watch. If must be infuriating."

"Oh, you have _no idea._ " Shyvana growled. "Jarvan made me try frog legs once. I'm anxious to see if _spider legs_ taste any different."

"And how would _you_ feel about that, Helios?" Elise asked, turning to me. "Would that upset you?" She traced a finger up one thigh, attempting to tantalize me (Elise has nice legs, sure, but the fact that her feet only consist of one single point each kinda freaks me out), completely forgetting the fact that I was taken. "I hear that men like a lady with legs."

"We do." I acknowledged. "But we have to draw the line at _eight of them._ "

"What a shame." She huffed. "Lord Vilemaw has a tendency to eat all the boys I bring home. So much for a new plaything."

"Don't expect _me_ to go 'what a shame' when you're next, Elise." I replied. "I keep on telling you that Vilemaw's going to eat you once he's finished with you, but your ears don't seem to work that way."

Elise rolled her eyes. " _This_ again? Don't even bother with it, Helios. I know what a blatant lie looks like. I'm not _ignorant._ "

If you want to take a minute to laugh your guts out, feel free to do so. I've got time.

Okay, good? Let's get back to it.

Elise appeared to consider something, placing one index finger to her mouth, then smiled menacingly. "I must say, even _I_ am getting restless. Lord Vilemaw could take more than a few hours to arrive, and all of this banter's leaving me with an appetite."

"Well, you wouldn't want to disobey Vilemaw, now would you?" I asked. "Best to not satisfy your hunger."

"I wasn't referring to you." Elise replied. She swiftly and gracefully stood from her throne, walking up the walls and joining us on the ceiling. She paced around Shyvana with a smirk, running a clawed finger along the outline of the webbing holding her in place. "You've got plenty of meat on your bones. More than enough for everyone, I would say."

" _Don't you even **dare.**_ " I glowered. "I promise you that if you so much as put a _scratch_ on her, I'll tear your legs off."

"But how on Runeterra am I supposed to resist?" Elise asked, caressing Shyvana by the chin. "If I get her to transform, there'll be twice as much food for me and my subjects."

" _Elise. **No.**_ " I snapped.

"But of course, Lord Vilemaw wouldn't be very pleased, would he?" Elise continued. "I suppose I could just tell him that the halfling broke free, despite my efforts, and I was ultimately forced to kill her. Helios _is_ the main course, after all. I doubt he'll miss the appetizer."

She smiled with malevolent glee. "Yes, I think that it shouldn't be too hard to convince him that was the case."

Elise bared her fangs, inching closer to Shyvana's neck. "Don't struggle too much, dear. This won't take very long."

 _ **B  
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A bullet skimmed across Elise's cheek, and she reared back with a hiss. "Who dares-"

" _Welcome to my parlor?_ Darling, that wasn't even as entertaining as 'care to step into my parlor,' and I already find that phrase to be dreadfully typical." The _click-clacking_ of a cane echoed down the hall, followed by slow and methodical footsteps.

"...Well. I wasn't expecting _you_ to make an entrance here of all places." Elise said.

"Why would I pass up an opportunity to play the hero?" Jhin asked, looking up at the dark sorceress. "It isn't often that the villain is forced to save the hero's life from a greater threat. When Mr. Delande notified me that Helios was in need of assistance, I simply couldn't refuse."

"Now." Jhin loaded another round into Whisper. "Care to dance, Elise?"

"Gladly." She replied.

The Spider Queen jumped down from the ceiling to land in front of the Virtuoso, and they began to circle each other.

"Tell me, my dear, do you have a taste for the performing arts?" Jhin asked. "Anything in particular suit your fancy?"

"The screams of my victims as Lord Vilemaw devours them is all the music I need." Elise replied.

"Screams _can_ be a delightful addition to the performance. _The Scream_ is a work of art for a reason, after all." Jhin agreed. "But I'm afraid that a name like 'Vilemaw' drags the whole thing down. It just doesn't..." Jhin snapped his fingers as he searched for the proper term. " _Roll off the tongue._ " He chuckled. "How silly of me to forget such a simple phrase. My apologies."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Jhin." Elise said. "It won't matter in the end, anyways."

"Ah, yes, there you go again, overplaying your role in the script." Jhin rolled his eyes.

"And that role would be...?" Elise asked.

"The religious zealot that puts too much faith in her master." Jhin answered. "I can't tell you how many times I've seen examples of that. It gets boring after a while."

"So sorry to disappoint you for your final performance." Elise said.

"Final performance?" Jhin snorted. "My dear, this is merely an encore. And with legs like yours, I see potential for a _dance._ "

"They can do much more than _dance,_ Khada Jhin." Elise replied. "I daresay I could pluck out your heart with one kick."

"Come and try it, then." He said. "But I must warn you, I've been meaning to create a masterpiece with a little more... _morendo._ "

"Why would _I_ risk dying at your hands _myself?_ " Elise asked, almost incredulously. "A queen has subjects for that purpose."

She spread her arms, and her spiderlings swarmed from the walls, floor and ceiling by the thousands, and in all sorts of sizes too. The biggest ones were the size of _elephants,_ with jagged fangs that were oozing venom.

Jhin sighed. "And so the villain relies on her minions to do her dirty work. What else is new?"

He placed a finger to one side of his mask. "Sona, darling, would you mind giving me some background music? Something with a bit of _marcato._ Bullets are always best accompanied by _marcato._ "

"Excellent. This will do nicely." Jhin sighed contentedly. "Helios was right when he promised me the performance of a lifetime."

The spiders didn't even wait for Elise to give the order. They were already on the attack, coming at him from all sides.

"Ah, an early start?" Jhin asked. "Not to worry, it's nothing I can't work with. Now, from the top!"

" _Lights!_ "

Jhin tossed three Dancing Grenades around him in a circle. They exploded four times like they usually did, coating the walls with a mix of crimson-black blood and orange-grey ash as the spiders fell victim to the blasts.

" _Camera!_ "

Jhin took aim at a seal-sized arachnid that had been caught in a Lotus Trap. It hadn't exploded, but that was because Jhin had planned it that way. He needed something to shoot, after all.

" _Action!_ "

 _ **B  
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The spider's head exploded into black, red and green, falling to the ground.

"Stay in your places, everyone, stay in your places!" Lotus Traps continued to ensnare and kill spiders as they approached, preventing them from getting too close to Jhin.

"Right. Let's begin." Jhin fully loaded Whisper, disassembling it into its pistol form, then began shooting around the room, selecting the larger spiders as the targets at a rhythmic and lethal pace.

" _One_ -two-three _two_ -two-three _three_ -two-three _four_ -and-a _one_ -two-three _two_ -two-three _three_ -two-three..." Jhin murmured to himself as he fired. The Virtuoso was in his element, and unlike last time, there was nothing hindering him from completing his latest production. And even I had to admit that it was an incredible sight to behold.

"No, you're supposed to be _stage right._ " He tossed another Dancing Grenade to his right, killing dozens of spiders and causing the survivors to scurry backwards. "The center stage is for _me_ and _me alone._ "

"You there! Fix the lighting! Where's the _spotlight?_ " Jhin shot another spider through the abdomen behind him, above the temple's front window. The spider shrieked as it fell, tumbling through the curtains and tearing through them with its legs. Light flooded the room as a result, and the majority of Elise's subjects recoiled and retreated from exposure. Elise shielded her eyes with one arm (unlike her subjects, she didn't treat light completely like a vampire did), scowling at the sight.

"That's better." Jhin said. "Now! Where were we?"

The spiders regrouped and regained their confidence, swarming forward once again. Jhin was now in the spotlight created by the open window, firing off shots as he orchestrated his masterpiece. Lotus Traps bloomed and detonated while Dancing Grenades ricocheted off the walls, creating a dazzling and terrifying display.

"You know, one problem I frequently had at the Institute was that blood didn't come in enough colors." Jhin noted, as he tossed another grenade straight into the mouth of a spider the size of a lion. "But _here,_ surrounded by _arachnids?_ I've got a genuine color palette to work with!"

"For example." The grenade exploded, and the spider was flung around the room, showering the surrounding area with ruby, emerald and onyx shades. "See what I mean? I don't even have to use dye!"

It went on like that for a few more minutes, but by then Jhin was already starting to get bored.

"Hmm. Something's... _missing._ " Jhin said to himself, not even looking as he fired through the chest of another spider. "This was plenty entertaining from the beginning, but now it's becoming rather dull. We need something to invigorate the performance. This is but one act. And we can't have the entire production consisting of endless hordes of spiders, can we?"

"Ah! I know what's missing! The star of the show!" Jhin concluded. "Has anyone seen Elise?" At some point she'd vanished, likely taking refuge in the temple's dark corners. "Goodness, women tend to take _forever_ preparing their wardrobes! I can't for the life of me understand why makeup is so difficult to apply."

A piercing screech came down from above, and Elise dropped down in her spider form, hissing. The spiderlings backed off, allowing their mistress to do what they could not.

"There you are! Where on Runeterra have you _been?_ " He asked. "Hmm..." He briefly held up his rifle, examining her form with distaste. "I'm not quite sure if that look suits you, my darling. Haven't you heard of 'inner beauty?' I'm afraid that I find it difficult to find _anything_ beautiful in _your_ ensemble."

" _And here I thought you found beauty in death._ " Elise replied, chittering.

"No, my dear. Death is beautiful, but only when executed properly." Jhin stopped, chuckling. "Oh. _Executed._ Pardon the pun. My, I do cut myself up sometimes."

Elise took that small window of opportunity to lunge at Jhin's neck, fangs bared.

"Elise, please! You need to wait for your cue!" Jhin said, sidestepping. "I realize you're a little antagonized, but you need to work with me if we're to see this production through!"

" _I'm mainly interested in plays where the hero dies at the end._ " Elise replied, spitting acid at his face. He rolled out of the way, then fired off a shot at one of her legs. It only scraped it, but she still stumbled, then chittered and spat angrily.

"As much as I'm enjoying this, Elise, I may have to cut this short." Jhin said. "It doesn't take much effort to squash a spider, and I'm in dire need of a much worthier kill. You simply aren't a big enough canvas."

Jhin fully assembled Whisper into its shoulder cannon form, taking aim. "As Madame Laurent likes to say, 'au revoir,' my dear."

 _ **S  
**_ _ **M  
A  
S  
H  
!**_

The wall exploded. All of us covered our eyes simultaneously, although since Elise couldn't really do that, she skittered back, hissing.

A massive silhouette entered the doorway, complete with a gigantic pair of hooked front legs, and multiple pairs of glowing green eyes.

I gulped.

Shyvana shuddered.

"Now _that's_ what I like to see!" Jhin exclaimed. "I can _definitely_ work with that." He took aim at the gargantuan arachnid's head. "Plenty of room on the canvas. I've always wanted to use a god for my next work of art."

Elise grinned, and reverted to her human form. "My Lord Vilemaw has returned!" She dipped into a bow. "Your feast awaits, my L-"

 _ **ELISE! ATTEND MEEEEEE!**_ Vilemaw screeched.

 _T_ _errified,_ of all things.

He came further into the light, and I saw that the spider god was _not_ in good shape. He was missing one of his back legs, and was covered in his own black blood. A few of his eyes had been torn out, and his abdomen was lined with cuts and gashes. The strangest thing I noticed was the thick black mist that continuously swirled around his body, causing him to writhe and tremble. I had a feeling I knew who that mist belonged to, and if I was right, things were about to turn in our favor. Vilemaw wasn't looking very _godly_ at the moment, and yet I had no pity to spare.

"My Lord!" Elise cried, blanching. "Are you alright?"

 _ **I am...for the moment.**_ He replied. **_Step forth. I have need of your power._**

"Of course, Lord Vilemaw." She walked up to him dutifully. "What do you require? Some of my strength?"

 _ **No. ALL of it.**_ Vilemaw said.

In the few split seconds that followed, multiple things happened.

One: Jhin sighed, shaking his head. Like me, he'd known what was going to happen from the start.

Two: I cried out a warning, because despite the fact that she was a semi-sadistic cannibal, Elise only wanted to make the world a better place, however warped her methods were. It'd be a shame to see that mindset go to waste.

Three: Vilemaw opened his maw, which smelled of rotting flesh and dark magic (The name "Vilemaw" is starting to make sense now, isn't it?), and brought it down directly over the Spider Queen.

Four: Elise's eyes widened with horrified understanding, and she brought her arms up to shield herself.

Five:

 _ **W  
**_ ** _H  
_** ** _A  
M  
!_**

A spiked mace slammed into Vilemaw's face at the last second, crushing a few more of his eyes inward and knocking him to the side before his jaws could envelop his now-former subject.

And then it was all over.

Elise released the breath she'd been holding, staring at Vilemaw, dazed. " _Lord...L-Lord Vilemaw?_ " She barely whispered.

 _ **No...No, please!**_ The spider skittered backwards towards the other end of the hall. _**MERCY, LORD! MERCYYYYYYYY!**_

" _Mercy?_ " A metallic hand gripped firmly on the mace that had struck the wounded god. "You would ask me for _mercy,_ Vilemaw? I may have caused great suffering in the past, but even _I,_ as a Lord of the Shadow Isles, frown heavily upon betraying those who place their faith in you."

"The hell took you so long, Mordekaiser?" I asked. "I was beginning to think you weren't coming."

"What?!" Shyvana regarded me, shocked. "You _knew_ he'd be on our side?!"

"Ana, dear, of course I knew." I replied. "It's kinda obvious that they'd help, isn't it?"

She was still confused.

I sighed. "Morde, you want to explain it to her? And while you're at it, can you get us down from here?"

"Kalista." The Iron Revenant commanded. She stepped forward, tossing two spears that sliced through our bindings, and we dropped to the floor.

"Right, now, explanations?" I continued.

"I would think you'd be supporting Noxus, Mordekaiser." Shyvana folded her arms, suspicious. "Especially considering the company you keep." She gestured to Thresh, Hecarim and Karthus, who were present, along with the rest of the Shadow Isles champions save for Evelynn (who'd probably gone off to see Tobias).

"In any other circumstances, yes, that would have been the case." He acknowledged.

"But, as members of Pentakill, it would be unethical of us to betray a bandmate, wouldn't it?" Yorick finished, planting his shovel in the ground.

"Yes, where _is_ Sona, by the way?" Karthus asked. "This battle is by far the _perfect_ place for a concert, and we wouldn't want to perform without her."

"She's with Ellis. But she's probably on her way now, assuming Ellis saw you guys coming." I replied. "But first..."

I glanced towards Vilemaw, who was still cowering in the corner. "I think it's about time we take care of _him,_ eh? Who wants to have first go?"

"Allow _me._ " Thresh cackled, brandishing his hook. "Lucian's no fun anymore, and it's been a while since I had a new toy. I've always wanted to snap a god's mind."

"Leave some for me." Kalista pried a spear from her back. " _Many_ have sworn vengeance against this _bug._ "

Thresh sighed. "Yes, dear." They were by far one of the oddest couples I'd ever seen. But hey, who was I to question things?

"I hope you aren't planning to leave _me_ out of this." Jhin stepped forward to join them. "A coup de grace sounds like a _lovely_ finale to this production."

"More than enough to go around." I said. "Mordekaiser, Ana, everybody else, we're leaving. Let's go."

"What about _her?_ " Shyvana pointed at the Spider Queen, who remained rooted to the spot, blankly staring to the side. She appeared to be mostly unresponsive, not even giving me a glance when I gently waved a hand in front of her face.

"Leave her." I said. "We have work to do."

We all turned away to leave, jumping down from the massive hole in the wall.

"I'm going to enjoy this, itsy bitsy spider." I heard Thresh say as we left.

I never saw Vilemaw again after that. Good riddance, too.

* * *

What had the two of us missed when we left?

Oh, not much.

Except half the city had been turned into a snowball.

And it was infested with trolls.

And Watchers.

Both of them.

Yikes.

It must've been out for a few hours, because the sky was starting to brighten, and a thick blizzard was raging around Snowball City.

"Now, this might be a _tad_ bit obvious, but I'm guessing that we should go that way." I said.

"However did you guess?" Yorick asked, planting his shovel in the first patch of snow we encountered. "I sense death ahead. There will be many graves to create."

"For the Demacians, or the invaders?" I asked.

"Both." He replied. "But with your permission, that might not make any difference."

The black mist congealed and thickened around Yorick's legs, until it was a thick, soupy liquid. Mist Walkers briefly emerged from it, hungrily snapping their jaws before vanishing.

I grimaced. "I think it would be best to let the dead have their rest. They've earned it."

"Yes, as always, they choose the Lamb's arrow." Yorick replied, over the fierce winds. "I envy them, to a certain degree. If only _I_ was allowed peace, and those who follow me."

"Well, I'll see what I can do after this. I think there might be a few strings I can pull." I replied.

"Ugh. Why did it have to be _cold?_ " Shyvana shivered. "My scales are going to freeze as soon as I step foot in that blizzard, I just know it."

I hummed. Some species of dragons were actually closer related to mammals than reptiles, but they were still vulnerable against cold. Their scales get pretty heavy when they're frozen, and then they can't fly.

"Go back to Jarvan. He's going to need your help more than I will." I said. "Maokai. Hecarim. Go with her. Morde, Karthus, Yorick, you're with me."

"Are you sure?" Shyvana asked. "I don't want to leave you alone."

"Hey, it's me, remember?" I grinned. "Besides, I won't be alone." I gestured to the three Shadow Isles champions.

She hesitated, then nodded. "I'll see you when this is over, then." She said.

"Yeah. Good luck out there." I replied. Shyvana quickly hugged me one last time, then dashed off with Maokai and Hecarim in tow. It was amazing how none of the champions had killed each other already (the Shadow Isles bears some ugly rivalries), but everybody shuts up and listens when Mordekaiser says so. Once upon a time Yorick would've challenged him, Karthus too, but ever since Pentakill was formed they'd become good friends.

"Now, boys." I rubbed my palms eagerly, as we marched towards the blizzard. "Shall we? I never got the chance to pay Lissandra back for that stunt she pulled back in the Freljord."

As soon as we stepped in, we stumbled. The winds were _harsh,_ and exceptionally cold, as predicted. It was a lot like the Vortex storm a while back, only it felt like you were constantly being smacked around by freight trains. None of us could see anything through the wind, and the ground was already frozen and slippery, making the trek across difficult.

"That way." Yorick pointed to the right. "There is a great amount of death."

We had no other source of directions, so we took his word for it. I lit up my axe to offer slightly better visibility, but it still wasn't helping much. At the very least, it was melting the snow around me, so I was able to warm up a little.

"Look." Yorick said. "The first victim."

I briefly looked down to see that the ice had been stained red near my foot, in ugly blotches that trailed a few feet. It went on until it reached a shoddy mass of ice and snow, with bits of Dark Ice sticking out.

Wait...

Not snow.

Not ice.

A troll had apparently ambushed a Demacian soldier from behind with a blade of some kind, because the remains had been mostly hacked to pieces. The body was already frozen, almost to the point where it could've been a sculpture of frost. He was still holding on to his sword, which had been shattered, and he was missing a few fingers on the other hand, which lay on the ground.

"An unfortunate loss." Yorick shambled forward, crouching down to examine the body. "He did not suffer long. The cold and the troll finished him off relatively quickly."

He picked up his shovel and struck it into the ice, then tore out a chunk and struck it again.

"You're digging a grave for him _now?_ " I asked.

"I must." He replied. "It is part of the duty I uphold."

"Yorick, it's minus a billion degrees outside, and the ground's hardly ideal for a grave." I said. "This is a stupid idea."

"The cold doesn't bother me, and my shovel can penetrate iron. I will make do with what I have." Yorick dismissed. "Wait patiently. It will only take me a few minutes, at the most."

"There could be other people dying right now!" I protested.

"And so they will. Such is the way of life. And death." Yorick replied, already halfway done with his grave. "It doesn't matter, anyways. They stood no chance against Lissandra. They will die whether we interfere or not. And I will perform their last rites."

"I can't even-" I let out a frustrated groan, running my hands through my hair. "You know what? Fine. Finish your stupid grave. Just make it quick."

"I'm already done." Yorick replied, planting his shovel down to the side. He went over to the corpse and picked it up, laying it in the grave. He snapped his fingers, and the ground closed over it, a gravestone sliding up to indicate it was there.

"Now we may continue." Yorick stood, picking up his shovel. "This won't be the only grave I am required to dig."

"Is this guy for real?" I asked Mordekaiser. "I know he does this stuff a lot, but _all the time?_ "

He shrugged. "Yorick speaks the truth. The Demacians already occupied with Lissandra will die. We can only prevent more bloodshed by slaying the Watchers and Ice Witch first."

"Then why are we still here?!" I shouted. "Let's go, already! I'm not being counted on by everybody in the city to sit around on my-"

 ** _C  
R  
A  
C  
S  
H  
K  
!_**

Odd sound, but that's what solid ice shattering sounds like.

A troll emerged from beneath the surface behind the Iron Revenant, bearing a crudely made hammer of Dark Ice. He lunged with a snarl, bringing it down on Mordekaiser's head.

 _CLANG!_

The weapon didn't even make a dent in his helmet. The troll looked very confused, and slightly frightened as Mordekaiser calmly and gently turned his head to glare at the attacker.

The troll gulped.

An armored fist clamped around his head and squeezed. A little too hard to be remotely non-lethal.

Guttural roars and howls echoed all around us as Mordekaiser disposed of the body. "Do you require a _grave_ for the _troll,_ Yorick?" I asked.

"He can wait." The Shepherd of Lost Souls replied. "The Demacian died with honor. He couldn't."

"Oh, so I only have to be worried if they die _honorably._ Which is the only way they can." I grumbled. "Joy."

"Close ranks." Mordekaiser said. "They have surrounded us."

We formed up in a circle, back-to-back. "And Karthus, for the love of gods, _don't start singing yet._ " I said. "I don't wanna die just because you were too trigger-happy with your vocal chords."

"I doubt Lissandra's _pets_ have a fondness for music." Karthus replied drily. "Consider my lips sealed."

That's when the trolls decided to make themselves known.

Glowing blue eyes flickered into existence all around us, unblinking and unmoving. Faint black smudges of Dark Ice were visible amidst the blizzard, highlighting their silhouettes.

The eyes didn't shift, remaining in their starting positions.

"They aren't attacking." I said.

"They're waiting." Yorick said. "Looking for weaknesses."

"Or trying to decide which of us has more meat on their bones." I replied. "Considering that I'm the only one here who's fully alive, I don't think I like the answer to that question."

Then, one set of eyes moved. They went closer to the ground, like their owner was crouching.

A pillar of dark ice erupted from the ground beneath them, and the troll rocketed skyward. Pure Ice formed in its hands, taking the shape of a two-handed club. My eyes widened in recognition, and I rolled out of the way as the club came crashing down, cracking the ground beneath it.

" _Or..._ " Trundle stood with a grin. "They could just be waiting for their boss to give the all-clear."

"What's up, Helios?" He asked. "Glad you could join the party."

* * *

"I seem to remember that Ashe had you _locked up._ " I leveled my axe at his chest.

He shrugged. "I busted out. Wasn't too hard, when the prison was practically abandoned after Ashe left. From there, all I had to do was catch up with the boss, and here I am." Trundle spread his arms, turning in a circle. "Welcome to Trollmacia!"

" _Troll_ macia?" I asked. "Are you serious?"

"The name needs work, sure." He agreed. "But the boss said I could have a piece of the city all to myself, so for now, I'm calling it Trollmacia."

"We aren't so sure that we fully approve of that." I replied. "This place was already occupied."

"What, you mean the soldiers?" Trundle grinned. "They're dead. Turns out, they can't really handle snow very well. One bop on the head, and they were down for the count."

" _Son of a-_ " I stepped forward, but the Troll King wagged a finger.

"I wouldn't do that." He said. "You see, in case you didn't notice, I brought a few friends with me. More than last time, actually."

"Yeah, so?" I raised an eyebrow.

"So, there are only four of _you,_ and _dozens_ of _us._ " Trundle replied. "I kinda like those odds."

"He isn't aware of who he's talking to, is he?" Yorick asked me from the side.

"Right, the gravedigger. I remember you." Trundle said. "Fought you a few times, but all you ever did was conjure a few ghosts."

"You're so screwed, man." I deadpanned.

" _Troll._ And I could say the same about you. You brought a priest, a buckethead and an undertaker to help you fight. How stupid are you, anyways?" Trundle grinned (he does that a lot).

"But, you look like you have a good bit of meat on your bones, so you'll at least make a good snack." He turned back towards his troops. "Come and _get it,_ boys! The boss's given us a _feast_ this time ar-"

 ** _SHLICK!_**

 ** _...thud._**

"What was he saying?" Olaf jogged up to us as Trundle's body hit the ground, now with an axe in his neck. "Couldn't hear from where I threw it at 'im." Sona was close behind, and was wearing the Berserker's fur-lined vest. It was a little too big for her, so she was forced to wrap it around herself like a blanket.

"Mordekaiser! Yorick! Karthus!" Sona hugged the Iron Revenant first, looking overjoyed. "You came!"

"Of course we did." Yorick allowed himself a small smile. "Pentakill never abandons one of its own."

" _You're welcome, by the way._ " Ellis said through our communicators. " _You're lucky that I even considered this, let alone allow it. So help me, Mordekaiser, if she even gets a **scratch** on her, we're repeating what happened with the magnet, only I'm going to make you magnetically attracted to the sun. It's got molten metal at its core, so don't think I can't do that._"

"You have my word." Mordekaiser replied. "She will not be harmed."

Ellis sighed. " _About as good as I'll get, I guess. Now, where did I put that popcorn? It's not every day I get to watch Pentakill live._ "

"Uh, should we?" I asked. "Considering how Karthus can kinda...by accident...you know."

" _It's different when Pentakill performs._ " He replied. " _His microphone has a setting that lets it absorb his death magic. You should be fine._ " We were basically ignoring the fact that Trundle was dead. Nobody really cared. Even his minions. Trolls are shitty friends.

"But how exactly are we supposed to perform?" Karthus asked. "We aren't exactly dressed for the occasion."

" _Got you covered._ _I managed to rig up a replica of the device the League uses to change a champion's skins. A drone should be there now._ " Right on cue, a drone emerged from the storm, hovering over the gathered champions. It beeped, then shot out a beam of light at the group. Just like that, they were in their Pentakill skins.

"You're gonna kill us with _music?_ " One of the trolls asked, bursting into laughter. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

The trolls joined in with guffaws of their own, not realizing how utterly screwed they were.

"You gonna sing us to sleep, girly?" Another one pointed a finger at Sona, howling. "Should I get my teddy bear first?"

They slapped their knees, holding onto each other for support. "Oh no, please, don't sing to us!" A troll cried mockingly. "I don't think I could handle the _tears!_ "

"I'll bet the girl's gonna sing a cheesy love song or somethin'!" Another one laughed in agreement.

We waited patiently for them to finish, savoring the moment of anticipation. Trundle was always arrogant, and it had clearly rubbed off on his troops. It was a miracle that Trundle had even been as smart as he was. Trolls typically aren't very intelligent...at least in terms of whether they should run or not.

"Well, that all depends on this one question." I stepped forward, fingering the edge of my axe.

I looked one troll square in the eye, unleashing my most intimidating and frightening glare.

He gulped.

My fingers twitched on the shaft of my axe.

I shifted my feet.

The trolls raised their weapons.

Pentakill prepped their instruments.

And after a solid minute of staring each other down, I spoke.

"Do you like _jazz-_ "

" _ **NO!**_ " Everyone else shouted simultaneously, Ellis, Sona and the trolls included.

" _What?_ " I turned around, spreading my arms. "It was an honest question!"

"It isn't the time for memes right now, Helios." Yorick said. Fool. It's always the time for memes.

"Yes...now is the time for _METAAAAAAOOOOOOOWL!_ " Yorick howled, raising his hand in a Devil Fingers sign. The champions' personalities change a little when they enter their Pentakill skins, though I'm not sure why.

"Time to _shred._ " Mordekaiser's eyes gleamed as he tuned Numero Uno.

"It's been a while since I got to wreck my shit." Olaf grinned. "I set my drums on fire last time. Let's see what I can do with _ice._ "

They continued cursing, bantering and prepping, while the trolls got back to laughing their asses off. Meanwhile, I stood there, blank-faced, my burning eye twitching.

This was _not_ how I wanted things to go.

And you'll soon see why.

After they'd finally finished cursing and prepping, Olaf began banging his sticks together.

"One! Two! _One two three four!_ "

And just as they launched into the opening sequence of Deathfire Grasp:

" _ **WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!**_ " I yelled, loud enough that the ground shook. Sona stumbled, and a string sprung loose on Numero Uno. Mordekaiser began cursing furiously, spittle flying out of his nonexistent mouth. Some of them were _way_ worse than the ones Nidalee taught me. Heavy metal bands are near- _artists_ when it comes to cursing, so I can't say I was really surprised. Even the trolls stopped laughing, completely focusing on the scene I was making.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing?!" I asked, irritated.

"Playing metal, dumbass. What does it look like?" Sona replied, her own annoyance beginning to mount. "What kinda shit were you _expecting_ us to play, a lullaby?" She snorted. " _Hell no._ "

" _Oh my **gods,** she's reverted to her Pentakill personality._" I could practically see Ellis quivering with excitement. " _I am **so** turned on right now._"

"You sound eager for something." I smirked.

" _You would not **believe** the things she can do when we're alone at my place._" Ellis replied enthusiastically. " _There was this one time when she-_ "

"I don't need to hear the details." I cut him off.

"If you don't want us to play _metal,_ then why the hell are we even wearing our _skins?_ " Mordekaiser asked.

"Metal is the only beat I need." Karthus agreed. "What do you think we are, a shitty _rock band?_ "

Gasp all you want, it won't change what he said.

"Well, there's a _perfectly good song_ out there that would be _phenomenal_ for this situation." I reminded them.

"Yeah? What's that?" Mordekaiser huffed, skeptical.

"You know... _that_ song?" I tried to gesture helpfully.

It didn't get through to them.

I sighed. I'd have to give them hints.

"Okay, look - with you, Karthus, Yorick, Olaf, Sona, Ellis and I present, that makes _seven_ of us." I said. "We're defending the _nation_ of Demacia from Noxus, Lissandra, previously Viktor's robots, etc. And right now, we're squaring off against an _army_ of trolls."

I waited for them to get the hint.

"Nope. Still don't get it." Mordekaiser said.

"Wait...Oh. I know what he's talking about." Yorick said. He walked over to his bandmates, whispering in their ears one by one.

"He wants us to play _that?_ " Karthus scratched his chin. "But...it isn't _metal._ "

(AN: _**I PROMISED THE FANS THIS, KARTHUS. DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. I NEED TO AT LEAST PUT THIS SONG IN, EVEN IF IT'S NOT THE WHOLE THING, LIKE THAT ONE SCENE IN IONIA.**_ )

"It technically _is,_ if you mean metal like _awesome._ " I countered.

"Well..." Mordekaiser shared a glance with the others. "Maybe...just _one_ time wouldn't hurt?"

"I suppose it fits, anyway." Karthus agreed. "It has a certain appeal."

"Yeah, let's do this, _bitches!_ " Sona whooped, briefly flashing double Devil Fingers.

" _You heard the lady, boys._ " Ellis said. " _Time for Pentakill's first rock concert!_ "

They all briefly shuddered.

"Right, are we doing this?" I checked back with them. "Yes? Good. Yorick, give me some Mist Walkers. I feel like they should join in."

He nodded. Thick, misty goop coalesced around the Pentakill bassist, growing fangs attached to snarling maws. The Mist Walkers emerged from their master's power, crawling around me and shrieking at the trolls. They must've gotten the hint, because they readjusted their grip on their weapons, baring their own fangs and snarling. There were only ten Mist Walkers total, but they'd be more than enough.

" _HIT IT!_ " I yelled.

Yorick plucked a few notes on his bass, beginning the opening sequence.

You know which tune I mean.

Feel free to imagine a bunch of camera angle changes between us and the trolls, accompanied by the howling wind and snow. Just to make it cool. I can't really convey the whole scene properly in writing. This is gonna be a little awkward, so just try to imagine the whole scene after I've finished describing it.

Olaf banged out a steady beat, and I took that as my cue to stride forward, brandishing my axe. My boots crunched in the ice, and I spun my axe in my hands. The trolls growled and charged, bellowing war cries and swinging their weapons. The Mist Walkers ran to meet them, lunging and snapping at their necks. Just as the trolls reached me, Karthus began to sing.

 _I'm gonna fight 'em off_

 _A seven nation army couldn't hold me back_

I thrust my free hand outward, and a blast of force exploded from the palm. The trolls were thrown back, skidding across the ice. The Mist Walkers pounced on those who weren't quick enough to recover, making short work of them.

 _They're gonna rip it off_

 _Taking their time right behind my back_

I spun my axe and sliced upwards along the ice. I created a scorching path of flames as a result, which disintegrated anyone that was caught in its wake.

 _And I'm talking to myself at night_

 _Because I can't forget_

 _Back and forth through my mind_

 _Behind a cigarette_

The trolls regrouped and attacked all at once, coming at me from the front and flanking me from the sides. I dodged and struck to the beat, because why not, ducking underneath a sword swing and slashing my axe through the troll's midsection. I parried a spear jab, then cleaved through the arm that held it, kicking the troll in the knee and lopping off his head. I crouched underneath the swing of a flail, then sliced through his legs, and finally his right arm, elbowing him in the face to finish him off. I swerved to the right to avoid the downward swing of another axe (an inferior model), then sliced the attacker in half from the groin to the forehead. I then cut him in half _again_ at the waist, and followed up by throwing my axe into a troll's chest. I summoned it back to my hands, and continued my assault. Every beat of Olaf's drums from that point was another troll dead, until a quarter of their numbers had been cut down.

I soon noticed that while I was fighting, a few trolls had snuck around behind me, and were drawing Dark Ice bows. They nocked arrows, and let them fly. I jumped around twenty feet in the air, and seeing an opportunity, I began to channel flames through the shaft of my axe, until it reached the blunt end. I began to rapidly descend, aiming the butt of my weapon at the ground.

 _And the message coming from my eyes_

 _Says "leave it alone"_

I hit the ground just as the song crescendoed into the main guitar riff. My axe unleashed a fiery explosion that fractured the ice beneath my feet, throwing the trolls off their feet while burning them to cinders. I sprung forward as soon as I'd touched down, shoulder-charging a troll and breaking several bones. I grabbed him by the lung as he flew backwards, then threw him into a few of his companions, and ignited them as they attempted to recover. Wasn't pretty.

I spied an arrow streaking towards my face, catching it and crushing it in between my fingers. Trolls all around me fired arrows, and I spun my axe around me, deflecting every single projectile. I twisted and swung my axe around me, summoning a burst of flame that scorched and charred my attackers. I turned to the remaining trolls, sprinting towards them and dodging around their arrows. I thrust my axe forward and spewed a torrent of flames from the blade.

As the guitar riff died down, and Yorick plucked a few more notes on his bass, I let the torrent cease, and realized that I'd overdone it, and decimated their ranks. Well, _shit._ I didn't have much time to find more baddies before the song continued, so with nothing left to do, I marched further into the blizzard, leaving my companions behind. Ellis had somehow anticipated this, and played the performance through my communicator, so that I was still able to hear. Olaf started up the beat again, and my footsteps fell in line with it.

 _Don't want to hear about it_

 _Every single one's got a story to tell_

 _Everyone knows about it_

 _The Freljord's King and Queen to the hounds of Hell_

I didn't have to wait long to find new adversaries, as it turns out. Frostguard began clawing their way up from below, occasionally fusing chunks of ice with their armor (honestly didn't know they could do that). Sadly for them, they aren't very quick-witted, and had only gotten their torsos out of the ice when they were set upon by Mist Walkers. And me.

 _And if I catch it coming back my way_

 _I'm gonna serve it to you_

"Fore!" I yelled, swinging my axe down at a Frostguard like a golf club. Its head when flying off its shoulders, and I began to wade through the wave of Lissandra's minions, disposing of them before they could fully emerge.

 _And that ain't what you want to hear_

 _But that's what I'll do_

 _ **C  
R  
A  
C  
S  
H  
K  
!**_

And suddenly, there was a Watcher crawling out of the ice.

It drew back its hand and swatted me like a fly, and I bounced across the ice like a stone across a pond, skidding to a stop in front of my friends.

Have you ever seen a Frozen Watcher up close before? No? Good. You wouldn't want to.

The truth is, they don't actually look lime much, but the two of them are still unpleasant, nonetheless. Both of them are about ten stories high, and ten feet wide. Their bodies are almost completely composed of Dark Ice, which are bound together by dark magic. They don't have any legs, either - their bodies are just a swirling mass of frost from below the waist. Their faces are relatively blank, save for their frigid blue eyes, and they have horns like a ram. Their hands are strangely large, way too big in proportion to their bodies. They have four clawed fingers each, which they use to summon catastrophic blizzards, like the one I was in. Neither of them have names. And if they did, you wouldn't want to say them.

The Watcher pulled itself halfway out of the ice, until its upper body was completely visible. It stared down at me with its cold, piercing gaze, and I got the feeling that it was going to enjoy this. So much for it being scared of me. It wanted _payback._

Its right hand began to glow a blackened shade of blue, and a miniature maelstrom of ice began to accumulate in its hand, drawing in power from the storm around it. The wind began howling louder until it was a shrill shriek, the Watcher's hand glowing brighter (and yet darker, because Dark Ice is weird like that) and brighter, until the light was almost blinding.

 _And the feeling coming from my bones_

 _Says "find a home"  
_

The Watcher unleashed a miniature hurricane of freezing wind from its hand, a wall of cold air that slammed into me like the Polar Express. Get it? Polar Express? Because...it's like getting hit with a freight train-...and Polar like cold...because I'm in a blizzard...*sigh* You get what I mean.

I sheathed my axe on my back and crossed my arms in an "X" shape, wincing as I experienced the wind embed frozen daggers into my facial nerves. My boots slid across the ice as the sheer force from the harsh winds pushed me back, and I almost slipped a few times. This might not sound like a big deal, but the wind was even colder than the rest of the storm, and miniature _glaciers_ of Dark Icewere forming as a result. If I lost my footing, I'd be flash-frozen. The only reason why I _wasn't_ a Me-sicle was because I was generating a steady aura of heat around me, while my arms were dripping molten.

The Watcher added more force to the storm. I doubled my efforts to withstand it.

Both of us were straining. Neither one of us wanted to back down.

Finally, as the music died down again, I pushed forward with a burst of heat, dispelling the attack.

The beat started up one last time, and this time we ended up staring each other down. I brandished my axe, and the Watcher conjured two maelstroms this time, one in each hand. Frostguard emerged from the ice around it, and somehow the Watcher was feeding their strength, causing them to grow larger, and add more frozen armor onto their bodies.

The Watcher bellowed an attack order, and the Frostguard charged. Then, at the same time, it hurled both storms at once, creating a torrent of ice twice as large than before.

I braced myself, both for the Watcher's assault _and_ its minions.

But it never came.

 _ **F  
**_ ** _W  
U  
U  
U  
U  
U  
U  
U  
S  
S  
S  
S  
S  
H_**

A second torrent suddenly appeared from behind me, darker in color than the first, and the same size. It met the attack head-on, slamming into it just before it could strike me down. Black particles began to coalesce around me, clashing with the raging blizzard. Some of them grouped together on the ground, gradually forming human outlines. The newly formed soldiers of Dark Ice (that's what I assumed it was at the time) drew their weapons, and raced forward to meet the Frostguard in combat.

 _No, not Dark Ice._ I realized, upon taking a closer look.

 _Sand._

 _I'm going to Shurima_

 _Far from this opera for evermore_

 _I'm gonna work the straw_

 _Make the sweat drip out of every pore_

But that wasn't the end of it. Darkness (for real this time) spun into existence around me in a protective shield, forming into four separate orbs of darkness. The Watcher reached down and dug its claws down into the ice, then with a gargantuan _**CRUNCH,**_ ripped out a chunk of frozen marble, and hurled it at me.

A Dark Orb shot out in response, tearing through the material like it was made of paper. It exploded into rubble, collapsing in chunks around me. I winced as a stray sliver of rock nicked my cheek, drawing blood. It was only a minor wound, though, and the temperature was already numbing it.

 _And I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding, and I'm bleeding_

 _Right before the Lord_

 _All the words are gonna bleed from me_

 _And I will think no more_

 _ **C  
R  
A  
C  
S  
H  
K  
!**_

Oh, look, the second Watcher. How charming.

And there's Lissandra, too. Great, all three of them. This'll go well.

The blizzard churned faster, and both Watchers bellowed simultaneously. The storm clouds began to compact and tighten, receding from the skies to allow sunlight to peak through. The winds ceased, but that didn't mean the Watchers were retreating. They were only drawing in the blizzard's power to use in a single attack. The blizzard was now a sphere the size of Nautilus, pulsating and shuddering with dark magic, completely made of Dark Ice. It began to glow, crackling with frigid black energy. It flashed brighter and brighter, and the air was filled with a shrill whine as it charged up.

Sand erupted from cracks in the ground, swirling around me in a typhoon of sediment. Dozens of Dark Orbs formed inside, orbiting around me as they had before.

 _And the stains coming from my blood_

 _Tell me "Go back home"_

 _ **S  
C  
R  
E  
E  
E  
E  
E  
E  
E  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
C  
K  
!**_

With a sound like pulsating thunder, the sphere unleashed a barrage of Dark Ice, clad in the form of the darkest forms of magic one could ever dream of. Sand and dark orbs combined to form a hurricane of blackened sediment, and the two attacks collided. Energy crackled and sizzled as they clashed, raw power bursting from the space where they met. I shielded my face with my hands in response, once it was too bright to stare at directly. The particles in the air stung my face and nearly shredded my armor, exploding against the torrent of Dark Ice.

 _ **B  
**_ _ **W  
**_ ** _A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
A  
U  
U  
U  
U  
U  
U  
U  
M  
!_**

A massive explosion erupted from the exchange, and I was thrown off my feet. I skidded to a stop right against Olaf's drums as the song finished, and Olaf had somehow managed to destroy his drums _again._

"Well. That was certainly something I've never tried before." Syndra noted, floating down from above.

"What took you so long?" I groaned, pushing myself to my feet. "You couldn't have come sooner?"

"I arrived in mere seconds, Helios. I'd say that's decent timing." She replied.

"I wasn't talking to _you._ " I pointed behind her. "Honestly, Azir, make up your damn mind before saying whether you're going to be neutral or not. And where the hell are the others, anyways?"

"Cassiopeia is joining up with her siblings, and I sent Nasus, Renekton, Sivir and Taliyah to aid the Vanguard." Azir informed.

I hummed. "I guess that works."

"If you're all done _socializing..._ " Lissandra called, down from the gigantic pillar of ice she stood on (because why not). "I'd very much like to reduce the three of you to frozen corpses."

"She seems cranky." I said, standing between Azir and Syndra. "Three on three sound good?"

They both nodded.

"Then let's kick her ass." I grinned.

* * *

 _ **One.**_

 _ **Chapter.**_

 _ **Left.**_

 ** _And this actually comes at the perfect time, too, because I'll be heading to the States next Friday, so I'll have to go on hiatus for a few months, I think. Next time (and the last time), Helios is going to PERSONALLY confront Swain, and hopefully put an end to the whole thing. So stick around, because next time, I've got something very special planned!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	43. Showdown: Return of (Insert Spoilers)

_**Well, everyone.**_

 _ **This is it.**_

 _ **The final chapter.**_

 _ **Of The Dawn Has Arrived.**_

 _ **It's been a tremendous journey over the course of 2016-17, and let me just say from the bottom of my heart that I'm incredibly grateful for all the support you've given me. It's absolutely thrilled me to see that this story is as enjoyable as it is, and it was only an experiment when I first started it! I've probably mentioned this a lot, admittedly, but you have no idea how crazy this is for me. It just blows me away.**_

 _ **So, as I stated last time, this chapter actually comes with perfect timing, as I'm going back to Florida for the summer and I won't have time to write, so it'll probably be a while before you see any more activity from me. But I can definitely promise you that you'll be seeing more from me in the future. Don't forget me, you hear? I'll probably be back around mid-to-late August, so be patient, okay? It'll be nice to take a break from writing. Don't get me wrong, I love doing it, but it can take a lot of time occasionally, and it's exhausting to update weekly.**_

 _ **This week, we're wrapping up the finale against the Noxian invasion, and it might just be the most significant chapter I've ever posted, not just because it's the finale. You'll see why. Read on, dear readers. Read on. And enjoy.**_

* * *

"Son of a-"

 _ **WHAM!**_

A glacier dropped itself on my head, burying me under thirty feet of ice and marble (because Demacia can apparently afford that kinda thing).

What, the Watcher I was fighting couldn't even afford to be original when it was trying to kill me? Syndra had already dropped a mountain on me back in Ionia. Getting a glacier to the face was _such_ a ripoff. It still _hurt,_ of course, but the fact that I'd basically experienced the same thing before made the whole exchange a little...lackluster.

Interestingly enough, I wasn't the one to handle Lissandra. It was Syndra who'd expressed interest in pummeling her face into the frozen pavement, which kind of made sense. Lissandra and Syndra are actually on the same level in terms of magical strength and prowess. Technically, Syndra's stronger, but she hasn't even gotten _close_ to completely mastering her power, which is honestly a little terrifying. However, I know better than that, because Syndra's a good friend, and I trust her character. The Ionian elders and Irelia...not so much, but what can you do? Anyways, Lissandra's mastered her control over ice completely, so to some extent she's able to go toe-to-toe with Syndra. But only for so long.

Azir and I were occupied with the Watchers, as you just saw. And hot _damn,_ it was cold, even though the Me was out. ...Heh. Hot damn. ...You know, because it's cold? ...And...I said "hot damn?" ...It's funny. You're supposed to laugh.

Don't you give me your sarcasm, I saw an opportunity to make fun of something stupid, and I took it! You guys are the worst.

What was I saying again? Oh, right, Watchers. The whole battlefield looked like the Freljord on clear days, but all the snow had been dyed blackish-blue. Azir and his Watcher (I should really give them names) had decided that duking it out storm-style was the right way to do it, with _minions!_ Azir's sand soldiers and the Watcher's Frostguard were clashing in between the two, as they hurled their respective elements at each other in full force. Azir was surrounded by a sandstorm, with occasional cracks of lightning (that was new, but then again there'd been lightning when _I_ was in Shurima, so it wasn't that weird), while the Watcher had surrounded itself with a howling blizzard, occasionally pulsating with darkness.

 _My_ Watcher and I, on the other hand, had decided to settle this like men (or women, depending on who you refer to). And yes, the Watcher's don't really _have_ genders, but that never really matters. So, our fight consisted of getting up close and personal, without any interference of any kind from the Frostguard. My Watcher was all about using actual magic and physical attacks to bring the pain, while its counterpart preferred using its storm powers to its advantage. Glaciers are included as physical attacks, since I'd just been flattened by one.

As for Syndra and Lissandra, I couldn't even _see_ what they were doing. The Ice Witch had generated a massive storm around the two of them, similar to the Gelid Vortex back in the Freljord. The frigid air was actually tangible and thick, a churning mass of snow and Dark Ice. Blackish-purple burst of energy occasionally flared in the vortex and inside it, so I could only assume that Syndra was doing fine. For now, I would have to focus on winning my own battles.

" _Are you intentionally letting it smack you around, or are you just messing with it?_ " Ellis asked, drily amused. He was in a better mood, now that Sona and Pentakill had left the area. They'd gone to introduce the Noxian invasion force to their music, which was a hotspot for the champions at the moment. He could at least rest easy, knowing that Sona would be well-protected.

"Well, _excuse me_ if I actually have a bit of trouble against other gods." I grunted, gritting my teeth. My voice was somewhat muffled by the fact that I had a glacier on my _everything,_ but Ellis got the message.

" _Well, you'd better start getting your act together, because I don't know how much longer the others can hold out._ " Ellis replied. " _Even Gangplank, Illaoi and Sarah are working for their money against the warships down at the port. I'd suggest you make things easier and get rid of the Watchers so that we don't have to worry about any more blizzards ruining our chances of winning._ "

"I'm _working on it,_ just _give me a minute!_ " I yelled.

" _Work on it faster._ " The line went dead, which meant that the summoner was tending to other matters. I rolled my eyes.

"He wants me to work on it faster?" I muttered to myself. "Fine, I'll work on it faster."

I set my hands ablaze and pushed, melting through the ice. I dug my fingers in and gripped firmly inside the bubbling cracks, pushing the glacier back until I could prop my legs underneath it. I set _them_ on fire too, then began to build up pressure and heat. When the time came, I released the energy I'd stored, and my limbs exploded with flames and force, so much so that I was actually pushed a few meters deeper into the ground, widening the crater. The glacier shot upwards, spinning into the sky, until it was barely visible.

I climbed out of the crater, glaring at the Watcher. " _SO, YOU WANNA THROW GLACIERS AT PEOPLE, HUH?!_ " I yelled.

I held up both my hands, and the glacier landed on my palms with a _whomp._ " _WELL, GUESS WHAT?! I CAN DO THAT TOO, YOU KNOW!_ "

I adjusted the glacier, then threw it as hard as I could. I ended up being a little off-target, but I did manage to throw the entire thing right into the Watcher's head. I'd actually been going for his nonexistent crotch (I was feeling a little moody), but watching the Watcher fall over from a glacier to the jaw was satisfying enough.

The Watcher picked itself up, then summoned Dark Ice in both of its clawed hands. It blasted a torrent of dark magic at me, which I responded to with a jet of white-hot flames. Sparks and frost flew in the middle, and we both strained to keep up the constant stream of fire(or ice)power.

I jumped, letting the Watcher's attack hit the ground beneath me, then thrust myself midair towards its face. My fist collided with its jaw, sending it staggering (which is strange - it doesn't even have legs) for the second time that day. It recovered, and dug its hand into the ground, then threw up the ground in front of it, sending a churning line of turf and frost my way. I grabbed my axe and ran forward, and when the attack was almost upon me, I swung, slicing it in two. The wave of ice fell to both sides of me harmlessly, diminishing almost instantly.

I conjured a fireball in my free hand as I ran, then threw it at the Watcher. It exploded against its hide, and it flew backwards (this happens a lot when godlike beings go toe-to-toe with each other), colliding with Lissandra's storm. It disappeared inside, and for a moment, all was silent.

Then it emerged, and I swore. The cheeky bastard had coated itself with a bit of extra armor from the storm's Dark Ice. Spiked plating now adorned its body, and it bore a spear of Dark Ice in both hands. It charged, and before I had time to say "well, gosh diddly-darn dang," it smacked me with the spear like it was a fly-swatter. I flew into a glacier, bouncing off the surface and faceplanting in the snow.

"...Ow." I picked myself up, spitting out flakes. "Now you're _really_ asking for it, buddy."

But guess who decided to interrupt my moment?

" _Actually, you might have to hold off on that._ " Ellis said.

"Ellis. No. I haven't even gotten properly warmed up yet." I replied, irritated.

" _Well, too bad, because we've got incoming-_ "

 _ **B  
**_ _ **O  
**_ ** _O  
M  
!_**

A massive explosion shook the ground, and I stumbled in response, frantically waving my arms to balance myself. "What the _hell_ was that?!" I asked.

" _That...would be Sion._ " Ellis replied. " _He and the other Noxian champions came in through the wall a while ago, if you recall, and now they're spreading out all over the city, attacking individual defenses. You need to get a move on, **now.**_ "

"Well, what do you expect me to do?!" I asked. "I can't leave it to two on three! That's not fair!"

" _I'm sending in the Star Guardians to act as your replacement. Stall the Watcher for a few minutes and they should get to you in time._ " Ellis replied.

I nodded. "That shouldn't be too hard." But how to distract the Watcher? Now, a lot of you are probably thinking "Fight it. Duh." But then again, it's me you're thinking about. There are just _so_ many things I could do instead. I'd been kicking ass since I woke up. I could afford to have some more fun instead.

I grinned deviously as a sudden idea came to mind.

References.

" _ **WAIT**_ _ **!**_ " I yelled, as the Watcher came bearing down on me with its spear.

It stopped, just as it was about to thrust its spear down on me.

And then, to its amazement, I started _dancing._

And singing, too.

 _Ooh-oo child_

 _Things are gonna get easier_

 _Ooh-oo child_

 _Things'll get brighter_

"Oi. You. Listen to these words." I pointed at the Watcher as I continued dancing.

 _Ooh-oo child_

 _Things are gonna get easier_

 _Ooh-oo child_

 _Things'll get brighter_

"Now bring it down _hard!_ " I yelled, getting more intense with my dancing.

 _Some day, yeah_

 _We'll get it together and we'll get it all done_

 ** _What are you doing?_** The Watcher asked. And yeah, they can talk. They just choose not to, because it's a lot more terrifying to keep up the appearance of a Silent Deadly Monster of Doom and Death. Sound a bit overdramatic, but that's what they excel at.

"Dance off, bro!" I did a little kick, getting into things. "You and me!"

I danced a little more, then briefly turned towards Lissandra's storm. " _ **HEY, SYNDRA!**_ " I yelled.

" _ **WHAT?!**_ " She briefly poked her head out. " _ **I'M A LITTLE BUSY!**_ "

" _ **WANNA DANCE FOR A BIT?!**_ " I asked.

" _ **ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND?! NO!**_ " She shouted in reply, somewhat flustered. The Dark Sovereign vanished back into the fray, and the sounds of exploding spells and arcane energy resumed.

"Subtle, alright, I'll take it back." I said, then continued dancing solo.

 _ **WHAT are you DOING?!**_ The Watcher roared.

"I'm distracting you!" I grinned up at it. "You big turd blossom!"

Five multicolored dots appeared on the Watcher's hide. It looked up to see five burning fireballs of the same colors streaking down towards him.

This was admittedly one of the stupider moments in my life, and probably makes no sense at all to you guys ( _omg Helios this completely ruins the tone of the battle, nyagh_ ), but considering...what happened later, it was nice to have one last bit of fun.

 _ **BLAM**_

 _ **BLAM**_

 _ **BLAM**_

 _ **BLAM**_

 _ **BLAM!**_

They all slammed into the Watcher simultaneously, like firecrackers on Teemo's shrooms. ...Weird analogy, but that's honestly what it looked like.

The Watcher tumbled across the terrain, sprawling onto one side. It picked itself back up, then glared at the source of the sudden attack.

"Hands off the boss." Jinx glowered, leveling Kuro, her rocket launcher, at the monster. "Only _we_ get to pummel him when he's being stupid."

"Hey!" I protested. "How many times do I have to tell you that the outfits aren't my fault?"

"Still doesn't change the fact that they're skimpy." Lux retorted. "But now's not the time for arguing. We'll talk about it later."

"Oh, joy." I grumbled. " _That'll_ be a fun conversation to have."

"You've plagued this land long enough, Watcher." Janna summoned a miniature tornado around her staff. "But now it is time for you to face the light!"

Ugh. Cheesy one-liners. Uh, _no._ Nuh-uh. Not in _my_ honor guard, thank you very much.

Fortunately, I happened to have a solution to that particular issue.

"If you're going to start going on and on about light versus darkness and why good always triumphs over evil, can it." I deadpanned. "That gets really old, really fast."

"Oh, _finally,_ someone admits it! _Thank you!_ " Jinx almost gasped.

"But...it's kind of our thing?" Lux reminded me. "What else are we supposed to do if not reflect and embody light and nobility?"

"We've talked about this." I replied. "You know what you have to do."

Lux blanched.

"You're not actually serious, are you...?" She whispered.

"I'm _dead serious._ " I narrowed my eyes. "Do the thing we discussed. All of you."

Janna's eyes widened. "You _seriously_ weren't kidding?" Did she not realize who she was talking to? Of all the things she could ask me, it had to be whether I was actually _serious_ about goofing around? That was one of the things I handled with the utmost seriousness and urgency.

" _No._ " I replied. "Do the thing."

"But-"

" _ **DO IT OR YOU'RE FIRED.**_ " I loomed over them, eyes blazing.

They sweatdropped. "Yesboss. Sorryboss." They all said simultaneously, as quickly as they could.

Meanwhile, the Watcher was observing this with the utmost confusion, because not even primordial beings of vast power are immune to my meminess. Don't worry about the rest of the war getting too hilarious, though. Believe me, it gets way more serious later on. You'll see. But for now, one last meme.

"Alright, so how do we want to do this, girls?" Lux asked, as they huddled in a group of five.

"Well, we should probably do it how Helios wants us to do it." Janna recommended. "Knowing him, he won't be satisfied unless it's like the original."

"Do we have to do the poses?" Lulu asked.

"What do _you_ think?" Poppy replied.

Lux sighed. "Let's just get this over with. Then we can actually do our job."

"Alright, everyone, line up!" Janna said. "Jinx, Lulu, Lux, Poppy and I from right to left."

They stood in that order, hands on their hips and glaring fiercely at the Watcher.

"Alright, goat face, you'd better listen up!" Jinx pointed at the ancient deity of ice. "You've got no idea what you're up against!"

Ellis, despite his great reluctance and urgency, began playing dramatic and upbeat music through everyone's communicators. I'm just going to forewarn you that this'll both look and sound stupid, but just work with me here. It's the last bit of fun I got to have for the rest of the battle.

" _HRAAAAAAAH!_ " Jinx crouched to the left, sticking her right leg out with her arms down in a triangle shape. Then she bent her right arm over her waist, sticking the left arm out with the fingers pressed together.

" _I'm **JIIIIIIINX!**_ " She stretched out her name to make it more fun, giving a confident grin. Suddenly, she was surrounded in a blazing red aura, bursting with celestial power. The air began to heat up, shimmering in the sunlight.

It was Janna's turn next. " _I AAAAAAAAM..._ " She crouched to the right, sticking her left leg out. She had both arms stretched the sides with the palms open. Then she bent her left arm over her waist, sticking her right arm out with the fingers together, similar to Jinx. " _ **JANNA!**_ " She surrounded herself with a purple aura, erupting with power, like Jinx.

I was already cracking up. This was all I'd hoped for and more.

Poppy was on her right, her hammer placed on the ground. She was at _least_ willing to put effort into this, and she grinned like Jinx to put up a proper front.

" _ **ALL RIIIIIIGHT!**_ " She crouched down on her left knee, swirling her hair around in front of her face, both hands on the ground. " _HRAAAA **AAAAAH!**_ " She lifted her face up, then stuck up her arms in a crane pose. " ** _I'M POPPY!_** " A sapphire blue aura blazed into existence around her, highlighting her hammer as well as her clothing.

Lulu was the fourth one up. " _HOOOOOORAH!_ " She lifted up one knee, clawing both her hands, one held out in front of her, the other raised up high. Then she got down on her right knee, holding her hands out in front of her like they were a cat's paws. Finally, she stuck her arms out in a crane pose like Poppy, looking fiercely determined. " _ **LULUUUUUUUUU!**_ " An emerald green aura emerged around her, making Pix (who was there too, the creepy thing) look like a firefly.

Lux was the last one to pose. She had her back to the Watcher, arms straight and clutching her baton. " _GRAAAAAA **AH!**_ " She bent at the waist, spreading her arms wide with her staff in one hand, then bent far enough so that her face was visible between her legs. She grabbed her staff in both hands again, and she glowed with a searing pink aura. " _ **LUX!**_ "

I was rolling around on the floor at this point.

" _ **FIGHT-**_ " Jinx shouted.

" _ **AS-**_ " Janna shouted.

" _ **ONE-**_ " Poppy shouted.

" _ **TO-**_ " Lulu shouted.

" ** _-GETHER!_** " Lux shouted.

They then struck a pose as a group. Jinx turned her back to the Watcher on my right, glaring with a grin over her shoulder. She stretched her arm out to the right, while her left arm was bent upwards, sticking the fingers together as the hand bent ninety degrees. Janna stood on her toes on her right leg, holding up her other knee while she spread her arms. Poppy crouched to the right, holding her right fist up at her shoulder while she raised her left fist above her. Lulu was next to her, crouching to the left and clutching her left elbow with her right hand, holding her left fist up. Lux was in front of all of them, crouched down on her left knee, sticking her arms out with her index fingers extended.

" _ **WE ARE THE STAR GUARDIANS!**_ " They all yelled simultaneously.

(AN: This was actually based on a piece of art on DeviantArt where the Star Guardians did the Ginyu Force poses. It was brilliant.)

The Watcher actually sweatdropped.

"Um...can we stop now?" Lux asked.

"One second." I took a picture with my phone. "Okay, you're good. Give 'em the what-for, girls!"

" _YOU SON OF A-_ "

 ** _B  
O  
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!_**

I whipped my head around to see another explosion rock the area, near the palace.

" _Helios, you need to get over there NOW NOW NOW NOW **NOW.**_ " Ellis urged me. " _They're closing in, and most of my turrets are gone._ "

" _What?!_ " I replied. " _How?!_ "

" _I don't know!_ " He said. " _Somehow they know where my automated defenses are even before they get there!_ " Something didn't add up. Ellis's turrets and drones were well-hidden, and some even had camouflage capabilities. Nobody should've been able to see them coming. So how could _Swain_ predict such a thing? He was an expert tactician, to be sure, but if he'd sent spies in beforehand, they would've been caught. Katarina and Talon had patrolled the city _constantly_ during nights around the walls.

Come to think of it, this whole _war_ didn't add up. Something...just wasn't right. I couldn't shake the feeling out of my gut, no matter how hard I tried.

"Alright, I'm heading over." I notified my summoner. "I'll see what I can do to help out."

" _Less reassuring, more running! Go, go, GO!_ " Ellis replied.

"Welp, as much as I'd like to stay and get my ass kicked, ladies, I've gotta go." I turned around to leave, waving goodbye. "See you in a bit!"

I ran off.

If only I'd known, back then.

Then maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

* * *

Ellis had made it sound like we were in deep shit.

He wasn't exaggerating.

The blizzard, combined with the Noxian Army, their champions, and the brief onslaught by the spirits of the Shadow Isles had taken a large chunk out of our forces. The others now stood in a ring around the Citadel of Dawn, pushing back against the advancing enemy. Ellis was right about his turrets, too. Most of them had been reduced to scrap metal, and the only ones still active were the smaller models. The occasional drone flew around supplying arrows and weapons to anyone who needed them, but as far as numbers, we weren't doing too well.

" _ **WHERE IS HE?!**_ " Sion roared, cleaving his axe through the Demacians that got in his way. " _ **I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A JARVAN! WHERE IS THE CROWN PRINCE?! I'LL TEAR THE MEAT FROM HIS BONES!**_ " And the palace was at least two miles away, too. Sion had an uncanny ability to scream at a volume that nobody could miss. I winced as I pictured the carnage the Undead Juggernaut was causing as he spoke, and I picked up the pace.

"Ellis, status, _now._ " I said. "Did we lose anybody?" I was genuinely worried that this was going to be too much. I had faith in the abilities of my friends, but with all that'd been thrown at them, I was starting to think that I might've asked too much of them.

" _Nope. We've been lucky so far._ " Ellis replied. " _Riven took a nasty hit a while back, but...well...you know how she is. Didn't even flinch when that sword nearly took her arm off. I sent her some bandages to patch herself up with, but at this right I'm going to run out._ "

Riven used to be the Noxian poster child for a reason. She's pretty stubborn when it comes to fighting, and the only way you'll get her to _stop_ is when she's won or incapacitated. But that's easier said than done. She got hamstrung once, and somehow she _still_ managed to stay upright. That was enough to freak _me_ out.

"Shit!" I stumbled to the right as a stray mortar shell wrecked a building to my left, and I quickened my pace in response. "What the _hell_ is going on up there?!"

" _Swain's trying to get the siege engines through the walls._ " Ellis informed. " _The opening's too small for them at the moment, so they're blind-firing shells until they can get through._ "

"Gods, I've got _way_ too much to deal with this morning." I grumbled, vaulting over a random cart that had been left in the street. I scaled another building and heaved myself onto the rooftops, where I could get a better view of what was going on.

"Where do you want me?" I asked, scanning the area for open opportunities.

" _Near the back of the palace. Swain's trying to focus his forces there as much as he can, and it's just about working, too. Get in there and cut them off before they get inside. They take the palace, they can use it as a beachhead to finish us off._ " He replied. " _And I don't know about you, but I'd rather live to see my girl by the end of the day._ "

"I can definitely relate to that." I agreed. "Alright, I'm heading over there now."

 _FWASH!_

 _Hissssssss..._

A cloud of green vapor exploded at my feet.

As soon as I inhaled it, my nostrils started burning, and my vision started swimming. I fell to my hands and knees, coughing up a storm. I grabbed my axe just as I fell over the edge of the roof, away from the poison gas. I hit the ground with a groan, clutching my head, which felt like Olaf had used it for a drum. I waited for the spots to stop dancing in my gaze, as the world reverted back from a dizzying blur.

A glint of metal out of the corner of my eye alerted me at the last second, and I rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the axe that embedded itself into the ground.

"Oh, _great._ " I said. "Twoof my _least_ favorite champions in the same spot. I must be _really_ lucky."

"Well, lookee here!" Kled licked his lips as Skaarl trotted forward. "Little Miss Sunshine here thought he could trespass on my property!"

Great. Of all the people I could've run into, it had to be Kled. Kled is the _ultimate_ crazy hillbilly. Anybody who trespasses on the land he occupies at the time is just about dead. And when he says that he's going to make clothing out of your organs, you'd better believe him. He doesn't make idle threats. He's way too crazy to do that. The funny thing at the time we confronted each other was that he was actually content with taking orders from Swain. Usually he goes off and does his own thing, and Swain's idea of running things in Noxus is apparently a major turnoff for him. He's the kind of guy who'd prefer a spray-tanned Oompa Loompa with tiny hands and a tinier brain who says he'll "Make Noxus Great Again." Kled's got a fairly minuscule brain himself, so that's really the only kind of guy he'd be able to understand.

Skaarl gargled questioningly.

"Huh? What? So what if he's a guy?" Kled asked. "We still gonna kill 'em."

" _Your_ property?" I asked, incredulous. "You _do_ know where we are, right?"

"Sure I do!" Kled replied. "Demacia, home of skanky-ass goody two-shoes and uppity rich folk! Doesn't make much difference to me where we are. I'm still gonna piss on the street and mark my turf." He grinned. "Did it just before we ambushed ye, actually."

I shuddered. "I did _not_ need to hear that."

" _You won't have to hear it for much longer._ " Urgot crawled down the wall of another building, locking another gas canister into his arm. " _We've marked you as our primary target._ "

"Yeah, and _Skaarl's_ marked you as good eatin'!" Kled agreed. "So get 'yer ass ready, boy, 'cause I'm gonna use those buns 'fer my barbecue tonight!" I grimaced at the mental image. I didn't want to know what he'd be using the _rest_ of me for.

"You two must be _really_ stupid if you think you can take me on." I replied. "I'm...kind of a _god,_ and all that...?"

"What, you's expectin' me to bow to ya and beg 'fer 'yer favor?" Kled snarked. Then he stood up and made puppy dog eyes, clasping his hands together. " _Ooh, look at me, I need a blessin' so that I get food in my stomach! I gotta pray like the wimperin' ass-biter that I am so that I don't die!_ "

"Well, bless _this,_ Sunshine." Kled said.

And then he dropped his pants, doing a little dance as he did so.

The sight was so horrifying that even Urgot momentarily recoiled in terror, as did I. I shielded my face with my hands, screaming incoherently as I tried to erase the image from my mind. See, the thing about Kled is that he almost _never_ showers or washes himself. The only person that's less hygienic than him is _Twitch._ Yeah. It's _that_ bad. Get a whiff of his armpits and you're all but gone.

Urgot recovered first, due to the fact that as a walking cesspool of gross, he was used to staring ugliness in the face, especially in front of mirrors. Using that weird ult thingy that makes no sense, he teleported, switching places with Kled. He fired a harpoon from his right hand, directly into my thigh. My armor stopped it from going all the way in, but it managed to break the skin, and the acid only made it hurt worse. He swatted me backwards with his left arm, and I slammed into the cart I'd climbed earlier.

" _START RUNNIN, BOY!_ " Kled screamed, as he charged forward on Skaarl. " _SKAARL LIKES HIS FOOD LIVELY!_ "

I sprang to my feet, somersaulting over the Cantankerous Cavalier as his axe swung overhead, almost splitting my skull. I _did_ end up getting a few hairs trimmed, and that was just plain irritating.

" _WHAT YOU RUNNIN' FOR?!_ " Kled asked, despite the fact that he'd _wanted_ me to run at the start. " _STOP MOVIN' SO'S I CAN KILL YOU!_ "

"No thanks." I replied. "I'd rather not get myself killed by a rabid teddy bear."

"Are you _mockin'_ the High Major Commodore of the First Legion Third Multiplication Double Admiral Artillery Vanguard Company, Sunshine?!" Kled spat. " _DON'T MAKE ME LEAP OFF THIS HERE LIZARD AND RAM MY BOOT UP YOUR WATOOSIE! I'M GONNA KILL YE ANYWAY, BUT SKAARL NEEDS 'TA EAT!_ "

I heard the distinctive sound of a weapon being loaded, and I looked behind me to see Urgot aiming another gas canister. It launched with a _poompf,_ and I smacked it away with my axe in response. I ended up hitting Kled, who started coughing furiously while Skaarl whimpered and snorted, clearly disliking the gas.

" _HEY! CRAB LEGS! QUIT INTERRUPTIN' ME!_ " Kled yelled at the Headsman's Pride. " _I AM TRYIN' TO KILL SOMETHIN' HERE, AND I AIN'T IN THE MOOD FOR SNORTIN' SHROOM GAS, Y'HEAR?!_ "

" _Your well-being is not a vital factor to this operation's success._ " Urgot replied, reloading his left arm. " _My body functionality is capable of eliminating the primary obstacle **with** or **without** your meager assistance._"

" _ARE YOU INSULTIN' MY HONOR, GAS MASK?!_ " Spittle flew from the Yordle's mouth. "Y'know what? Maybe I oughta kill _you_ instead of Little Miss Sunshine. Both of you's're annoyin, but only _one_ of ye's ugly as hell!"

Huh?

...Well. _This_ could turn out in my favor, if I just quietly stepped to the side...snuck away...without them noticing.

Or I could watch, and enjoy myself instead.

" _You are making a grave miscalculation, Yordle._ " Urgot glared. " _Your lack of temperament is inefficient, and must be rectified immediately._ "

"Rectify 'yer _face_ when I'm done _smashin' it in,_ if 'ye don't _shut 'yer yap._ " Kled replied, snarling.

" _Do not order me around like I am a **pet.**_ " Urgot said. " _I am not the one who requires a leash._ "

"Are _you_ callin' _me_ a domesticated _**housepet?!**_ " Kled screeched.

Uh-oh.

" _ **THAT'S**_ _**IT!**_ " Kled screamed. " _TO HELL WITH_ _ALLIANCES, THE ONLY ALLIANCE HERE IS GONNA BE BETWEEN MY **AXE** AND **YOUR FACE!**_ "

Kled spurred Skaarl forward, screaming with furious indignity. Urgot was ready for him, and he fired a harpoon at the drakolop's feet. Skaarl stumbled while he was trying to swerve out of the way, and Kled flew from the saddle. It didn't stop him, however. He only soared through the air, holding his axe up high.

" _ **DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!**_ " He screamed.

Urgot stumbled backwards on his spindly legs as Kled plastered himself to his face, hacking and slashing with his axe. " _ **AXEAXEAXEAXEAXEAXEAXEAXEAXE!**_ " The Yordle screeched, banging his weapon against the Noxian cyborg's armor. Urgot skittered and wobbled around the street, grabbing at the Cantankerous Cavalier with his left arm, as it was the only reliable grabbing appendage he had. Kled latched onto it with his teeth, ripping a finger loose and cutting off the other two with his axe. He then began to crawl over Urgot's back, ripping various tubes and mechanisms loose with his fangs. Urgot stumbled and trembled each time a mechanism was pried loose, because while he couldn't feel pain, he could still succumb to fatal damage.

Then Kled came up and stabbed his right eye. Urgot tipped backwards, randomly firing a gas canister in an attempt to get the Yordle off of him. Surprisingly, the green vapor did almost nothing as it enveloped the two of them, and Kled continued his onslaught. "Ha! I snort shrooms for _fun,_ crabcakes! This stuff ain't _nothin'!_ Skaarl _farts_ stuff worse than this!"

Urgot grunted, and pointed his harpoon up at the crazed cavalier. It fired, but missed, only scraping Kled's ear. "Oh, _now_ you done it!" He yelled, stabbing his axe into Urgot's right arm, rendering it useless. This was entertaining, but at some point I'd have to intervene and deal with both of them. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait for long.

A mechanical whine came from within Urgot's mechanical parts, and he flashed orange, before disappearing. Suddenly, he and Kled were in opposite positions. Urgot was now on _top_ of the Yordle, and as he recovered, he quickly pinned him to the ground with one of his legs. Kled hissed and spat, attempting to chomp down on the leg that held him there, but it appeared that Urgot's legs were heavily reinforced, more so than his torso had been.

" _Primary target acquired._ " Urgot said. " _Proceeding with elimination._ " He started pressing down, digging the point into the spot above Kled's heart. Kled let out a strangled groan, and I knew it was only a matter of time before Urgot finished him off.

So, despite my reluctance, I punched Urgot in what remained of his face. He staggered, and I swept his legs out from under them, for while they were durable, they weren't great for walking. He flailed on his side like a crab on its shell, flinging his legs around wildly. Kled slowly got to his feet, grabbing his axe, but he was unable to do so before I kicked him into a wall. He fell to the ground, limp and unconscious.

Satisfied with my victory, I approached the downed cyborg. I grabbed one of his legs and ripped it off, chemicals spurting from the socket. I placed my boot down on Urgot's waist and thrust the bladed appendage into his chest. He cried out, his body seizing up. I pressed the leg down until it went through his chest and dug itself into the ground, pinning Urgot like he'd pinned Kled mere moments earlier.

"Next time - _get an upgrade._ " I sneered. I turned around to leave, jogging down the streets. But then I paused, looking back to see Skaarl standing there, blank-faced.

"Y'know, drakolops nuggets are a delicacy in Demacia." I said. "And I haven't had breakfast yet, so..."

Skaarl straightened up, then bolted in the other direction, until he was out of sight.

" _...Damn...lizard..._ " Kled muttered in his delirium.

I sighed. _Noxians._ I resumed my earlier pace, setting off towards the action. "Kled and Urgot are incapacitated." I told Ellis. "What next?"

" _Head to the Plaza next._ " He replied. " _That's where the majority of the Noxian Champions are, and they're making a lot of progress towards...oh, **no...**_ "

 _ **B  
**_ ** _W  
O  
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!_**

The ground shook for the third time that day, and at a greater magnitude. So much so that several buildings around me collapsed into rubble.

" _Shit, shit, shit, **shit, SHIT!**_ " Ellis yelled.

"What? What's going on?!" I asked.

" _Our back line just got hit with a round of mortar shells!_ " He replied. " _I've got eyes on Sion, and he's still at the front. The others have their focus on him, though, but...you know how strong he is._ "

"So I go there, right?!" I asked.

" _I wasn't done! The back line was fired on by Swain's **personal command engine.** Darius, Draven, Morgana, LeBlanc and Vladimir are escorting him to the palace **right now.** I think you know where you need to move your ass!_ " Ellis said.

Swain was going to _personally_ storm the palace? Did he _not_ know that was a major tactical error? I was beginning to think that he'd lost his touch in his old age. But that was all the better for us, if it meant we could end things before lunch.

I sped up into a sprint, heading towards the palace.

It was time to finish this.

* * *

By the time I got there, Swain was already inside, judging by the look of things.

Hundreds of Demacian corpses littered the Citadel of Dawn's back courtyard, all butchered in a colorful variety of ways. Some of them had massive chunks taken out of their flesh, missing more than a few limbs and sometimes their heads. Some had deep gashes in their heads or torsos, the result of impalement. Others had scars from magic-based injuries, or were stone-cold and blue, completely drained of blood. The crimson liquid gleamed in the early morning moonlight, providing a grim setting for what I witnessed.

Not to mention that some of them also looked like they'd been set upon by crows.

I shuddered. This had been a massacre. I was stepping up to my heels in blood, the occasional _crunch_ of my feet indicating that I'd just stepped on a bone. I'd already taken care of the Noxians guarding the palace entrance, wiping blood off the blade of my axe. What had Swain expected, throwing them at me ceaselessly? To kill me? Slow me down? He must've been _joking._ This wasn't going to stop me. Nothing could.

"I'm here." I told Ellis.

" _Finish it. Or we're all screwed._ " He replied.

I sighed. "I will." I said.

I stepped forward over another body, weaving my way around the corpses. Despite the fact that they were dead, I didn't want to desecrate their bodies. They'd be given a proper burial once this was all over. It was tedious, and it took much longer than necessary, but for once, I could wait.

I heard strangled groans from somewhere behind me, and I glanced back to see a Noxian pull himself up from the ground, panting. I thought I'd finished him off with that blow to his chest, but apparently he was more stubborn than I gave credit for.

" _Die, Demacian scum._ " He sneered, picking up a sword and charging/limping at me with the weapon raised. He'd fulfilled just about every Screwed Minion cliché in existence, but I wasn't in the mood. I rolled my eyes and sidestepped a swing, then brought my axe down on his head. His corpse fell to the ground, and I nudged it away from the Demacian corpses with my foot.

The back doors to the palace had been thrown off their hinges. I walked over them and into the hallways, which had been occupied by Noxians. _Had been._

I wasn't expecting what I found next. By no means at all.

Demacian corpses were scattered around the hallways, as I'd predicted, but what surprised me was the sheer amount of _Noxian_ soldiers that joined them. Some appeared to have died fighting the palace guards, with spears and swords lodged in their bodies, but the strange thing was that even though there appeared to have been a _hell_ of a lot more Noxians fighting than Demacians, they _still_ died. Noxian soldiers were on par with Demacians in terms of skill and combat prowess. They should've won easily, loathe as I was to admit it.

They were even bearing the same wounds as the Demacians in the courtyard. Axe wounds, cuts in the head and torso, magical scarring, and blood-loss. I was beginning to get an idea of what that meant, but it didn't make any more sense than the rest of it.

"They killed their own men, if that's what you're wondering." A solemn and leveled voice said above me.

I instantly conjured a fireball in my hands, but relaxed when I saw that it was Galio instead of a potential enemy, hanging from the ceiling.

"Have you been here this whole time?" I asked. Come to think of it, I hadn't seen him at the walls. Odd, but he had a tendency to disappear. He was pretty withdrawn, compared to the others, and despite the fact that he was a gargoyle made of stone, he could slip in and out of crowded areas without anyone noticing he'd been there in the first place. And people think _Lux_ is a Demacian stealth artist.

"I have." Galio replied. The Sentinel's Sorrow dropped from the ceiling (like a rock, hue hue hue), then spread his wings, turning himself upright. He gracefully touched down on the floor, folding his wings in again. "The King thought it imperative that someone stay behind to guard the palace, should the invasion force breach the walls and the palace as an extension. Naturally, I was the only option." For gargoyle reasons, of course. They have a bit of a reputation for being watchful guardians hanging around buildings, and I imagined that Jarvan the Third had selected Galio for this purpose. Fat lot of good it did us, but that wasn't really anyone's fault.

"I assume that some of the kills here are yours, then?" I gestured to the aftermath of the carnage.

"Some, yes, but only until after Darius, Draven, Morgana, Evaine and Vladimir escorted General Swain inside." He said. "From there, I retreated into the shadows. I thought it would be wise to await assistance before engaging with them. I now see that I was correct in my assumption."

"You flatter me." I smirked. My smile faded, as I remembered what the gargoyle said earlier. "Swain killed his own men?"

"He did." Galio replied. "They didn't see it coming, I'm afraid. Once they had finished off the guards, Swain and the others turned on them. Noxians may be some of the fiercest fighters in the world, but their commanders are in charge for a reason."

"But... _why?_ " I asked. "This doesn't make any sense. Swain's always had an astonishing disregard for life of any kind, sure, but he's never been _wasteful_ about it. Why kill his own men when it doesn't do anything beneficial for him at all?"

"I have an inkling of a suggestion to make." Galio offered. "As they passed beneath me, I heard the Grand General mention something about 'creating the proper setting for the honored guest.' It sounds like he's waiting for someone. You, specifically."

My stomach knotted.

I sucked in a shaky breath, then let it out, furrowing my brow as I exhaled. Swain killed his own men just so I wouldn't have any trouble confronting him? Didn't he know that I _liked_ a good brawl? I was honestly kind of disappointed. And at the same time, revolted.

"In that case, follow me, but stay hidden." I instructed. "If Swain's got something up his sleeves, I want to make sure we've got the element of surprise on our side."

"Understood." He replied. He spread his wings and flew back up into the shadows, hiding in the corners above. The ceiling was high up, and there was plenty of cover, to the point where I couldn't even see him. Galio's glowing red eyes might've been a dead giveaway, but he doesn't actually need them to navigate. He also has excellent senses of hearing and smell. He closes his eyes, and suddenly he's invisible.

I walked down the halls to the throne room, following the trail of blood. Swain must've wanted to make sure that I didn't lose my way. How kind of him to direct me with dead bodies.

The palace was a mess, a result of the evacuation. Tables had been overturned, paintings knocked off the walls. The floor was littered with all manner of household items, and judging by the occasional food spill, the chefs had even been preparing breakfast when the invasion began. Galio silently followed above me, darting from shadow to shadow. I didn't need to see or hear him to know what he was doing. I knew he was there, but only because I'd seen him hide.

I turned a corner, into the hallway leading to the throne room. There was a separate way above that Galio could take, as the hallway also opened up into an atrium. From there, Galio could sneak in without being noticed, using the atrium's windows as entry points.

I found the remaining Noxian champions standing guard at the doors, clearly expecting me. LeBlanc, Vladimir and Draven had cocky smirks on their faces, while Darius and Morgana remained stoically silent. My eyes narrowed, and I slowly drew my axe from its sheathe, spinning it around in my hands.

Draven reached behind him and drew one of his throwing axes, but a hand on his shoulder from Darius prevented him from going any further. " _Don't._ " Darius said.

"Draven's gotta up his game, bro." Draven replied, irritated. "How else is Draven going to spread his fame if he doesn't kill a god?"

"Well, _Draven_ won't get _anywhere_ if he kills Helios without an _audience._ " The Hand of Noxus rolled his eyes.

"Oh. Draven can agree to that." Draven agreed.

I took a hesitant pace, keeping my guard up. But when I reached them, they did nothing. Instead, they stood to the side, watching me expectantly.

I made a sidelong glance at all of them, then reluctantly sheathed my axe. Their expressions didn't change, however. Draven was snickering incessantly, but Darius then smacked him over the head, and the Glorious Executioner fell silent. "What? It's funny!" He protested. Darius glared. He made no further comment.

I moved past them, then moved a hand over the doorknob. I hesitated for a moment, then sighed and turned it, pushing the door open.

" _Good luck._ " I heard Morgana whisper.

I paused, turning back to look at her, as did the Noxian champions.

I gave a sad smile. Morgana's situation was always complicated. She only joined Noxus because she hated Kayle. Sure, Noxus's idea of radical freedom held some sort of appeal to her, but it was offset by the fact that Noxus liked to conquer and enslave its neighbors. If we won, I'd have to make sure she got a light sentence. She was a friend, in a way.

I nodded. "You too."

And with that, I went inside.

* * *

Swain stood in the center of the throne room, or what remained of it. At some point, the Noxian mortar shells had gotten lucky, blowing a hole in the ceiling, casting the Noxian general in pale moonlight. He stood with his back to the throne behind me, resting both hands on his cane. Beatrice noticed me coming first, but instead of ruffling her feathers and squawking like she usually did, she only clicked her beak a few times, regarding me with those six beady eyes of hers.

"That bird of yours is less annoying than normal." I noted, approaching him from behind.

"Yes, she knows better than to ruin the mood this time." Swain looked at me from over his shoulder, lifting up a hand to stroke the raven's feathers. "Even I have a certain distaste for her unnecessary comments when it doesn't suit me." He turned to face me, readjusting his grip on his cane as he regarded me with his pitch-black eyes.

"I've been waiting for you, as I'm sure you know." Swain replied. "I trust that the others didn't give you any trouble?"

"They were well-behaved." I replied. "Your trust in them's been rewarded."

"I'm glad to hear that." Swain said. "I wouldn't want to ruin this moment."

We stared each other down after that, taking a momentary pause. Swain looked like he had a million scenarios going through his mind at once, as per usual, and they probably didn't turn up promising results for him.

"I got your present in the back courtyard." I said. "How sweet of you."

"I must have sent it to the wrong address, then." He replied, whatever _that_ meant. "But I'm glad you still appreciated the gesture."

"Next time, get me something a little less violent." I said. "Slaughter isn't really one of my favorites."

"So...here we are." I said.

"Here we are." He slowly nodded in acknowledgement. "The climax of all the two of us have ever worked for. I must admit, I'm impressed by the resistance you managed to gather."

"It wasn't that hard." I shrugged. "Just about everybody with half a brain and a shred of decency hates your guts, you know."

"An byproduct of Noxian ideology, unfortunately." I got the feeling he was giving a wry smile from underneath his collar. "Not everyone understands that 'Survival of the Fittest' is a necessity."

"Then again, some people also understand that it _isn't._ " I replied. "Like the person who _made_ the planet, and never intended for people to be mindless brutes above all."

Swain chuckled. "We're misunderstood for that phrase, aren't we? Noxus has never been about _mere_ strength. Strength can come from intelligence, skill, creativity, and artistry as well."

"I find it hard to believe that _you_ believe that." I said. "Is conquering other nations really necessary?"

"Those who survive in this world are the best at what they do." Swain replied. "If some are successful at repelling our militaristic advances, then we draw back. They've earned their right to live freely."

"And yet, that's never happened." I said. "Anything you wage war against, you conquer."

"That only proves our argument, then." Swain replied. "We've taken a substantial amount of territory, and become one of the mightiest nations in the world in the process." He chuckled. "Consider us extremist capitalists, if you wish."

"It's a shame that you'll lose all that you gained, then." I huffed with dry amusement. "You know what's going to happen next."

"I do." He agreed.

"And you're fine with that?" I asked. "No plans, no counterstrikes, no nothing? That's it?"

"You couldn't _begin_ to describe how much I find that acceptable." Swain said.

"And your men?" I asked.

He shrugged. "What of them? I have no concern for their welfare. If they live, they live. If not, then they don't."

"You _really_ have a knack for pissing me off, you know that?" I fixed him with a smoldering glare.

"It's a gift." He replied.

"Welp, time for you to surrender, then." I clapped my hands together. "Now that the war's over, I can take you in, and I'll let High Councilor Kolminye (she and the other summoners had actually fled to Piltover just before Swain got his mitts on them) deal with you. I can't wait to see what she-"

"No." Swain said.

I blinked.

"Sorry, what?" I asked.

"If you plan on taking me in, then you're going to be disappointed." Swain replied. "I have no intention of going peacefully."

I slowly clenched my fists, drawing my mouth into a thin line as I regarded the Master Tactician with a glare. "...You know that you aren't going to beat me." I said. "No one can."

"I'd disagree on the last part, but yes, I'm fully aware that I lack the necessary power to defeat you." Swain acknowledged. "But it would be an insult to my pride to yield. If I must die fighting, then so I will."

I sighed, my frustration mounting. "So, that's the way it's going to be, huh?"

I nodded thoughtfully, ingesting Swain's words.

And in that split second afterwards, we both made our move.

My hand moved to my axe, pulling it out and swinging at Swain's neck. Despite his frailty, the general was surprisingly fast, moving his cane under the blade to block the strike, shaft to shaft. With his other hand, he forced me backwards with a blast of dark magic, causing me to stagger. I scowled, regaining my balance and advancing, but a purple flash from beneath me had me look down with confusion.

Gigantic talons erupted from the ground, latching onto the back of my neck, and the spots where my arms met my torso. I cursed as they moved past the openings in my armor, drawing blood. It didn't stop me for long, however. I kicked the talon to my left, freeing my left arm, then ripped the right talon off at the base. I plucked myself out from the back talon's grip, then sliced through it with my axe.

I turned back to glare at Swain, then advanced on him once more. He retreated, throwing bolts of dark magic, but I deflected them all, a grim determination blazing in my eyes.

"This. Ends. _Now._ " I said, and my hair ignited to illustrate my point.

Beatrice flew from Swain's shoulder with a caw, talons outstretched. She flapped and flitted around me, firing off beams of energy, but they barely did more than tickle me. She swooped in to claw at my face, only to find my hand around her neck. I tossed her aside, and she smacked against a wall, falling to the ground.

Swain glared furiously at his bird's condition, and he roared with outrage. He surrounded himself with a greenish-black aura, and hunched over. Tattered wings sprouted from his back, feathers sprouting all over his skin. His collar lowered to allow his mouth to elongate and twist into a snapping, jagged beak, while four extra eyes appeared on either side of his head.

Swain let out a furious, squawking screech, as he completed his transformation. Ravens formed out of the dark magic surrounding him, and they came at me in one gigantic flock, bloodthirsty and murderous.

"Oh, _please._ " I said, and my entire body exploded with heat. The ravens' feathers disintegrated under the sheer temperature, and they dropped to the ground like flies.

The Grand General himself lunged, beak poised to rip into my neck. I reared back and punched him between the eyes, and he sprawled across the floor. I leaned down, picked him up by the throat, and hoisted him into the air. I walked over to one of the throne room's support pillars, dragged Swain with me. I slammed him into the marble, and the material cracked under the force applied. I drew him back and slammed him into the pillar again, and the cracks grew wider. I did it one last time, and the pillar collapsed, and I released Swain from my grip, letting him drop to the floor. He reverted to his human form, coughing up blood, his robes ripped with cuts and bruises on his skin.

I stomped my boot down on his chest, and he grunted with pain, a fresh spurt of blood coming from his mouth.

"You know what? I've changed my mind. You're going to _die_ here, Swain." I said. "You lost the moment you decided to go to war with a _god._ "

"Admittedly...I should have...better prepared for that-" Swain launched into a coughing fit, which was wet and spasming.

"Yes. You should have." I agreed. "The war's over, _General._ Your plan _failed._ "

This was finally it.

It was all over.

We'd won.

My friends were safe, and Noxus would surrender as soon as I displayed Swain's corpse.

Then I'd finally get to see my granddaughter get-

" _My_ plan?" Swain's collar was down, and I briefly recoiled at what I saw underneath. He was _not_ hiding his mouth because it looked evil.

And that disfigured, ripped, fang-filled mouth was curled up at me in a _grin._

"When did I ever say that it was _my_ plan?"

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A dull whine echoed throughout the air.

My stomach lurched, and suddenly I felt dizzy.

I staggered backwards, dropping my axe and clutching my head. " _What..._ what did you-" I grit my teeth and stumbled into a pillar as an intense pressure built up in my skull, dulling my senses and causing my legs to shake.

The whine heightened in pitch, and I cried out as the pressure in my head became piercing, like a sword had wedged its way into my mind.

The sound rose to a screech, and as I fought the darkness closing in on my consciousness, I happened to look up.

At the moon.

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!_**

It pulsed, and suddenly there was an explosion of light, energy and force.

And for a moment, there was nothing but white.

I must've been out for a few minutes at the most, because when I came to, it was still dark. I was on my side against the wall, surrounded by rubble. I was covered in debris, and my clothing and skin were coated with dust. I coughed, groaning as my body ached. I rolled over onto my stomach, and tried to push myself up. My muscles screamed with the effort, and I sharply exhaled in response, starting to sweat. I dropped to the floor, cursing as my arms gave out. I propped myself on one elbow with the other hand on the ground, and started to try again.

"Having difficulty, Helios?"

I froze.

I let out a shaky breath, wide-eyed and blankly staring at the floor as horrified realization settled in.

 _No._ I thought to myself.

 _No, no, **no.**_

 _ **No, no, no, no, NO.**_

 _It can't be._

"Excellent work, Jericho." The voice said again. "You'll be well rewarded for this, as promised."

"Thank you, my lady." He replied.

I finally dared myself to look up, and my body complied.

The throne room had been almost obliterated , over half the room blown apart. Beyond that, the city had been nearly destroyed. Buildings everywhere had been torn apart, and entire courtyards and city squares had terrain thrown up. A thick smog hung over the spectacle, and I could pick out the survivors emerging from the rubble. I was too far away to know if my friends had survived, and I felt a cold sense of dread run through my veins.

Swain was pushing himself up, covered in debris and dust, as I was. He reached for his cane, propping himself up on it as he stood.

But it was who he was talking to that made my mouth run dry.

From the hips, the newcomer wore a simple black dress, opening up at the front so that it didn't restrict the legs, which were covered in armored silver boots. From the waist up, a silver chestplate similar to mine was worn on the torso, although it was slimmer and was held to the body by numerous metallic wrappings across the waist and spine. There were fingerless gauntlets on the wrist, but like the chestplate, they were slimmer, and more decorative than protective.

And in one hand, propped up against the ground was a _scythe,_ a long black pole that ended in a silver, crescent-shaped blade, although the blade itself was longer than the rest of the metal.

Her hair was silvery-blonde, like Diana's, although it was tied back in a braid that reached her waist. A black and silver tiara adorned her brow. But above all were the cold, metallic-grey _eyes,_ glinting at me with dark satisfaction.

It didn't matter that she had a human body. I knew her well enough to recognize that smug look _anywhere._ And to know that I wasn't the honored guest after all.

" _Selene._ " I spat.

" _Helios._ " She smirked. "How lovely it is to see you again."

* * *

"What's wrong?" Selene asked. "Don't like the new me?"

She stretched out an arm, admiring the fingertips on her hand. "I must admit, when I first banished you to Runeterra I assumed that being human was unappealing, but in actuality I find it oddly satisfying."

"How..." I groaned, finally pushing myself to my feet. "How did you-"

"Create a human body for myself?" She finished, chuckling. "You make it sound so difficult, Helios. Turning myself into a human was the _easiest_ part of the plan."

"Plan?" I echoed, clutching my side with one arm. I looked down at the floor with grim certainty as I realized what she meant. "Swain never declared war because Katarina, Talon, Cassiopeia and Riven switched sides, did he?"

"Why would I?" Swain asked, covering his mouth with his collar again. He came up to stand beside Selene, albeit without his cane, which had snapped. "I knew they would discover that I was behind their father's murder sooner or later. It made no difference to me whether they betrayed Noxus or not."

"Then _why?_ " I asked. "Why all of _this?_ Why kill so many if there was no reason to?"

"Ah, yes." Selene said. "That _is_ the question of the day, isn't it?"

She started pacing around me, fingering the edge of her scythe delicately. "It really has to do with what _I_ want, Helios. Swain would benefit from my plan, absolutely, but ultimately _I'm_ the one calling the shots."

"You see, I want what _you have,_ Helios." Selene continued. "Power. Dominance. Respect. _Control._ "

"I already _have_ power, and I'm not far away from acquiring the rest." She finished. "All I need now is to conquer Demacia, the wealthiest and most powerful nation in all of Runeterra, and the rest will fall into place."

I laughed. "And you think I'm just going to _let_ you?"

"Oh, I very much doubt that you'll be able to stop me." Selene shrugged. "I've been planning this for a _very_ long time, after all."

"Yeah?" I grunted. "How long is that?"

"Since the beginning, of course." Selene smiled. "Why do you think that I placed you in a human body in the first place? So that we could _have some distance between us?_ " She laughed. "You really are daft sometimes, Helios."

"I never believed you wanted _space_ for a second." I spat. "You wanted me _dead._ "

"Yes, and as the wildlife and environment failed to finish you off, like I'd expected, I was forced to improvise." Selene explained. "Fortunately, I happened upon Jericho here-" She gestured to the general at her side. "He was _exactly_ what I was looking for. I had him declare war at the opportune moment, then waited until you were in the necessary position for me to strike."

"It sounds like..." I grunted, wincing as pain flared in my side. "You could've killed me at any time. Why let me live?"

"It's simple, really. I wanted to give you _hope,_ Helios." Selene said.

"Hope?" I asked.

"So I could take it away from you." She elaborated. My shock had evaporated, replaced with a steadily growing rage. "I wanted you to rise to the top, before I threw you from your throne and took your place."

"And you thought you could take me on _now?_ " I raised an eyebrow. "I'm _stronger_ than you, Selene. I could snap your neck like a _twig._ "

"Maybe once." Selene smiled. "But now, I think you'll find that things are different."

"Really?" I asked. "My friend behind you says otherwise."

She turned around, as did Swain, completely falling for it.

I grabbed my axe and lunged, swinging at my nemesis's midsection.

That had been one of _many_ mistakes I made that day.

Selene was faster than I ever imagined she could be, and I realized that far too late to do anything about it.

In one instant, my axe was arcing towards her neck, ready to cut to the bone and through the other side. The neck, her scythe flashed, and I screamed in agony as two gigantic cuts opened up across my thighs. I dropped to my knees, breathless from the sheer pain. The wounds sizzled and steamed, like they'd been splashed with acid.

" _W-What-_ " I stared down at my legs in horror, which evolved into ceaseless fury. I glared up at Selene, clawing my right hand. It crackled and hissed with plasma bolts, and I brought it up to Selene's face. But before I had even gotten halfway, she'd brought her own hand to my chest. It flashed white, and a blast of lunar energy blasted me into the wall, and my eyes started to water as I heard the crack of bone in my spine. I fell flat on the floor, and I managed to slowly, _agonizingly_ prop myself up on my knees, which were stained red with my own blood.

I growled, summoning my axe to my hand. I thrust myself forward with a burst of gravity, swinging the weapon again.

And for the last time.

Selene was suddenly right there in front of me, and it occurred to me that I wasn't the _only_ god who could move at light-speed anymore. She caught the blade in her free hand, regarding me curiously.

"What _is it_ with boys and their playthings?" Selene asked, glancing over the axe. "It's a cute weapon, but frankly, in my eyes it lacks refinement."

Her fingers clenched around the blade.

A low hum filled the air as her hand glowed, channeling lunar energy throughout my axe. The blade itself began to glow, filling up with Selene's power.

The humming grew louder.

 _Crack._

A thin crack appeared near the edge.

My eyes widened.

 _Crack-crack- **CRACK.**_

They grew wider, spreading throughout the blade until a web of fissures had coated it.

With a final push, the blade _shattered,_ and I was left with nothing but a shaft in my hands. I stared at the rubble on the floor in shock, trembling.

Selene's hand clamped around my throat, and I suddenly found myself unable to breath. She lifted me up with ease, my feet dangling in the air as my hands gripped at her wrist. I choked and gasped, batting awkwardly at her hand as I attempted to free myself.

"Who's stronger than who _now,_ Helios?" She asked. "I've been sapping your strength for _years,_ little by little, taking such small amounts at a time that not even _you_ could notice."

"Do you want to know how I finally did it?" Selene continued. "How I _finally_ forced you into a position of weakness? Diana's blade proved to be useful in that regard. It's an _excellent_ conductor for my power, you see."

"It- _was..._ her-" I gasped.

"Yes, and right under your nose the whole time." She smirked. "Don't feel so confident _now,_ do you?"

She turned and threw me across the hallway, and I crashed into a pillar. I slid to the floor, glaring at Selene with contempt.

"You can't win alone, Selene." I spat, my saliva tasting sour in my mouth. "You'll have to get through my friends first, before you take Runeterra."

"Ah, but I have friends too, you see." She wagged a finger in my direction. "You don't really think I came alone, do you?"

She whistled.

A chain flew from the side, looping around my arm. It pulled me through the pillar and into the wall, cracking it from the impact. Something too fast to see blindsided me from the flank, smashing into my jaw and drawing blood from my nose. The chain looped around my waist again, and I was dragged into the center of the room. The shaft of a spear smashed into my face, and my consciousness briefly wavered. Another blunt weapon rammed into my side, and I screamed as three of my ribs snapped.

"That's enough." Selene ordered. "I think he gets the message."

Ten silhouettes emerged from shadows, coming up to stand with Selene alongside Swain. They wore similar armor to hers, though some were male instead of female. They even had the same hair and skin color, although their eyes didn't burn with the same cold intensity (irony) as hers. They carried lunar-themed weapons of their own, and the same smug grins. Which meant they were _minor_ moons, lunar entities that weren't powerful enough to be considered a _true_ moon, but were still formidable in their own regard.

"I'd like to introduce you to my lieutenants, if that's acceptable." Selene gestured to each one of them in order. "Ganymede. Io. Calypso. Phobos. Deimos. Atlas. Titan. Oberon. Charon. Nix." Phobos and Deimos appeared to be twins, judging by their identical appearances. They both carried chains with crescent sickles on the end, which meant _they_ were responsible for initiating the assault.

"And of course, I can't forget the Red Guard, can I?" Selene smiled.

Crimson pillars of smoke dropped from the skies, shifting and swirling into physical forms as they hit the ground. From them emerged the Blood Moon spirits from Ionia, and not just the most recent three. _All_ of them. Blood Akali. Blood Diana. Blood Elise (different from Real Elise, which is strange, considering). Blood Jhin. Blood Kalista. Blood Kennen. Blood Shen. Blood Talon. Blood Thresh. Blood Fate. Blood Yasuo. Blood Zilean.

"They're a bit similar to your _Star Guardians,_ but the outfits are better." Selene smirked. "Diana's the _captain_ of my guard, and she serves her position well."

"Thank you, my lady." The Scorn of the Moon bowed. "Your approval transcends the most divine of blessings." Ugh. Not only was I grievously injured, but I also wanted to vomit.

Then Selene hummed, frowning. "Wait. We're missing one. Where's-"

"Here, my lady." Another crimson pillar descended, taking physical form like the others. "Apologies. I am not yet used to my new form."

My breath caught in my throat, and my body began shaking with rage. " _You._ " I snarled.

"Long time no see, _**whelp.**_ " Warwick sneered.

The Blood Hunter had changed since I last saw him, but only physically. Mentally he was still the same bloodthirsty psychopath I knew and hated. Instead of a dark, shaggy grey, his fur was now stark white, with silver claws and fangs. He'd forgone his armor and bandolier in favor of Blood Moon armor, covering his shoulder, torso and shins. A canine kabuki mask covered his face from view, leaving holes for his blood-red eyes.

This was going so wrong, so fast.

And at this point all I could do was watch.

"All is forgiven, Warwick." Selene replied. "It's understandable, really. How do you feel now that you condition's been stabilized?"

"I've never felt _better,_ my lady." Warwick grinned savagely. "I analyzed our troop deployments as I descended. Our forces are quickly overwhelming the Demacian resistance."

"Oh yes, Helios." Selene glanced over at me with a smirk. "The Lunari are making a comeback. Recruitment was _another_ thing that I snuck past you without you noticing. Feeling inadequate yet?"

I hung my head, defeated.

"Well, that was easier than expected." She smiled. "All that's left is to-"

At some point, I'd completely forgotten about Galio, silly me.

The Sentinel's Sorrow rammed into her at full speed, slamming her into the wall. Her lieutenants and the Red Guard reacted instantly, charging at the gargoyle, but he was ready. He assumed his idol form, allowing his attacks to rain down on him for a few moments, then exploded with magic, throwing them all backwards.

"Took you long enough." I grumbled, as he flew to my side.

"I was only waiting for the proper moment." Galio replied, putting my arm around his shoulders. "Come. We must escape, before they rec-"

A blast of lunar energy flung him away from me, and I was thrown back onto the floor. Selene zipped in front of him in an instant, eyes blazing with fury.

And then, with her own bare hands, she grabbed onto his head and ripped it from his shoulders.

" ** _GALIO!_** " I screamed, watching helplessly as Selene deposited of his corpse.

"G- _Galio._ " I whispered.

" _Insolent-_ " Selene took in a shaky breath, then regained her composure and smiled. "He managed to surprise me. I'll give him credit for that. It wasn't enough in the end, though."

I'm going to be honest - I didn't know Galio all that well. I'd only _talked_ with the gargoyle on five separate occasions. But I still considered him to be a friend, and a good one at that. He was loyal, understanding and kind, as well as tremendously brave. And Selene had just _killed_ him, like he was nothing more than a _gnat._ He didn't have the chance to retaliate, plead for mercy, or even _say goodbye._

My rage rarely reaches a level where I lose control. That's only happened twice. And in that moment, when I stared into Galio's blank, lifeless eyes, I felt something stir within me. It made my chest shake, my throat burn and my lip quiver. It made my hands clench into fists until the fingernails drew blood, dripping from the cracks and onto the floor. It made my nostrils flare, and my breathing uneven, in long, trembling gasps. And it made my anger bubble and froth from deep within the confines of my soul, rising to a boil, then a burn, and then an _inferno._

 _Hate._

 _Raw, unfiltered **hate.**_

" _ **HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**_ " I screamed, as my temper exploded.

And for a moment, _I myself_ was an inferno.

My body exploded with flames so hot they melted and boiled the ground beneath them, burning through the remaining pillars and vaporizing the ceiling. Selene, the minor moons and the Red Guard shielded themselves with their power, but I could almost _smell_ their fear. Even _gods_ fear my wrath, and they were no different.

I lunged forward at Selene, and she actually backed away in response. I clawed my hands and conjured white-hot fireballs in each one, then yelled and charged.

A flare pain burst in my thigh, and I looked down to see that a silver arrow had wedged itself in the flesh, attached to a chord made of light. I glared back, growling, to see that Selene had made good on her promise of a Lunari comeback. They entered the building in the dozens, all carrying bows and crescent blades of their own. I snarled, then ripped the arrow from my thigh, turning back to Selene.

Immediately afterwards, five more arrows took its place, each in a different part of my body and dragging me backwards. I ripped out three of them, but again, five more took the place of each one, and with them came fifteen new searing marks of pain.

I continued ripping them out and advancing, but with every arrow, I grew weaker, my rage diminishing under the agony, and eventually I was only stumbling towards Selene. I ripped out one last arrow, took another staggering step towards her, cried out as another arrow pierced my spine and-

-And it was too much.

My entire back half was coated with arrows, so much so that you couldn't even see the back of my armor through the thick forest of shafts. The pain was too excruciating for me to bear, and the Lunari finally succeeded in dragging me back. I staggered, then dropped to my knees, the fire in me gone.

"That's better." Selene came forward to crouch in front of me, stroking my jaw. Then she _slapped_ me, generating a fresh spurt of blood from my mouth. I turned back to look at her, glowering silently.

"I've been waiting to do this for _years._ " Selene smiled menacingly, gripping her scythe.

* * *

Two slashed thighs. A broken arm. Multiple cuts across my torso. Three broken ribs. Bruises around the neck from where Selene had nearly strangled me to death. A cracked spine. A face so bloody, bruised and beaten that it was almost unrecognizable. One of my eyes had been swollen shut. My armor was ripped, broken and shattered, various plating missing from the ensemble.

I wasn't doing so well, was I?

I'd lost consciousness before Selene had her minions drag me to a cliff overlooking Demacia City's main port. The Lunari and Noxians had made quick work of Bilgewater's navy, reducing their ships to flaming wrecks.

Selene had gathered all the champions, soldiers and civilians before her, with my friends and family in front. She hid me behind her lieutenants, to save for the _big surprise._

"Good morning, everyone." She said, once she was ready. "I hope everyone's had a pleasant war so far."

The Noxians and Lunari snickered, while their opponents seethed.

"For those of you who don't know who I am, my name is Selene, and I am, in fact, the moon." My friends recognized her name instantly, and their eyes lit up with fury. Shyvana had to be restrained by Jarvan so that she wouldn't try to rip Selene's head from her neck.

"And yes, as you've probably guessed, I'm who's to blame for all of this." She smiled. "Jericho never made the decision to declare war on his own. It was all _me._ " The King looked furious, but he had been separated from the others, held captive by numerous Lunari. The Queen looked distraught from where she was being restrained, as did her son.

"As of right now, _I'm in charge._ " Selene announced. "As of _this day,_ you all bow to _me._ "

"And why the _hell_ should we kneel to _you?!_ " Shyvana demanded. "What gives you the right?!"

"The halfling herself. I've heard much about you." Selene grinned. "You raise a good question."

"I was going to go on a _long, eloquent tirade_ about my superiority, and why you can do nothing about it." Selene's grin turned unpleasant. "But they say that a picture's worth a thousand words. So, I'd like to present _three_ pictures, which so wonderfully illustrate your powerlessness."

She raised her arm, and I looked up to see the sun start to rise. Its light filled me with warmth, and for a moment, I had a sense of calm.

But then the moon descended, in the complete opposite direction it was supposed to, heading towards the sun. Dread settled in as I realized what Selene was doing, and I watched as the lunar body covered my own, blocking the sun from view in a never-ending eclipse, the day's light to forever be dark and dull, and under Selene's jurisdiction.

"From now on, it'll be _my_ light running things." Selene said. "As with all other moons in the universe."

She looked up to the stars, and my gaze followed hers.

Then...

One by one...

Their golden lights began blinking out of existence.

And were replaced by cold, unforgiving specks of silver, glinting harshly in the distance.

 _My gods._

This wasn't just a coup against _me._

This was the _end of an era._

The era of _stars._

" _An empire of lunar light will **rise,**_ _on this very day!_ " Selene announced, spreading her arms. " _With **me** as empress of all creation!_"

"But that's only the _first_ picture." Selene smirked again. "Bring out the second."

Galio's corpse was thrown into the crowd, his head rolling to a stop at Jarvan's feet. His face went white, and his fists clenched. " _YOU **BITCH!**_ " Shyvana roared, and this time the other champions roared their agreement, stepping forward with their weapons drawn.

"Ah-ah- _ah,_ I wouldn't do that." Selene wagged a finger at them. "Don't you want to see the _third_ picture?"

"If it's your _head_ next to _Galio's, **gladly.**_ " Garen sneered, showing an unusual flash of anger. Even Katarina looked disturbed.

"Oh, it's _much_ better than that." Selene snapped her fingers at the Red Guard. "Bring him out."

And they deposited my beaten, bloodied body at Selene's feet, propping me up on my knees.

Everyone froze.

" _G...Grand...pa?_ " Shyvana whispered.

" _Gods._ " Ellis blanched, while Sona covered her mouth with one hand.

"Helios?" Leona looked horrified, as did Pantheon. "What...what did she _do_ to you?"

All across the surrounding area, my friends fell into a mortified silence. I couldn't meet their eyes, nor could I reassure them that everything would be alright. I could barely _breathe,_ let alone _speak._

" _ **HELIOS!**_ " Raka pushed and shoved her way through the crowd, pursued by several Lunari who restrained her as she made it to the front of the crowd. " _ **NO!**_ "

My heart shattered. This was worse than anything Selene had done to me previously. Much, _much_ worse.

"Well? Aren't you going to answer her, Helios?" She asked, looking at me expectantly. "She's _waiting._ "

I didn't reply. I couldn't.

"Helios, _please._ " Raka pleaded. "If you can't say anything, then _look at me. Please._ "

My gaze slowly rose to meet hers, and I could almost see her heart break at my condition. "It'll be alright." Raka tried to reassure me. "You said that you'd come back alive, and you've done that. I'll heal you after this, I promise."

"No, you really won't." Selene drily replied. "You see, I'm going to-"

"My Lady Selene, I hate to interrupt," A Lunari stepped up, and it looked like he'd nearly been clawed to death. "We found an intruder near the gates, attempting to get in. We subdued her, but we lost a dozen men in the process."

Selene sighed. "Show me."

They dragged in a snarling, kicking Nidalee, biting and snapping at her captors through her bindings of woven light. "Kit? Sorry I'm late, I had to-" Her jaw fell slack. " _Gods,_ kit. What _happened_ to you?"

"I did." Selene replied.

"So, you're the _bitch_ that Helios is always ranting about, huh?" Nidalee growled. "I used to think he was exaggerating when he'd go on and on about you in Kumungu, but I'm starting to understand _why_ he hates you so much."

"My men had difficulties traversing through Kumungu because of _you,_ didn't they?" Swain asked. "You sabotaged their operations when they attempted to pass through the jungle."

"Guilty as charged." Nidalee grinned. "You're next."

"Hm." Selene paced around her, fingering her chin thoughtfully. "You transform into a cougar, yes?"

"I do." She replied.

"You'll make a fine house cat, then." Selene said. "I think I might have a collar put on you, see if that doesn't improve your attitude."

"Like _hell_ I'll be a damn _pet._ " Nidalee snarled.

"It's not really up to you, I'm afraid." Selene waved her hand, and a blow to Nidalee's head from Titan knocked her unconscious. "Now, what was I saying? Ah, right. I'm going to-"

 ** _B  
W  
O  
O  
M  
!_**

"Oh, _gods, **WHAT NOW?!**_ " She roared.

And suddenly, out of the sky dropped a great blazing ball of fire, a comet of raw power descending from the heavens. It struck the ground near the Grand Plaza, and the area shook as a result, forcing buildings to collapse.

And from the debris rose _Aurelion Sol,_ looking the angriest I'd ever seen him in _eons._

" _ **HOW DARE YOU LAY YOUR TAINTED HANDS UPON MY CREATIONS, YOU INSUBORDINATE WORM?!**_ " He roared. " _ **I WAS NEUTRAL OVER THE COURSE OF THIS CONFLICT, BUT NO LONGER!**_ "

"Ah, Aurelion Sol!" Selene looked positively delighted. "I've been expecting you! How kind of you to join us!"

Aurelion's maw grew white-hot with starfire, intending to vaporize Selene on the spot.

" _Cute._ " She said. "You should know that I've been sapping some of _your_ strength, too."

She raised her scythe, and an _enormous_ blast of lunar energy threw the dragon off-balance, and he roared with fury and indignation as he tumbled across the plaza, landing on his side.

"Restrain him. I have yet to completely absorb his power." Selene ordered.

Lunari surrounded Aurelion by the hundreds, firing off chains of lunar light that wrapped around his midsection. He thrashed and snapped at his bindings, but his movement became more and more restricted as chains looped around his neck, pinning his head to the ground.

" _ **YOU INSIGNIFICANT WRETCH! YOU DARE CONSTRAIN MY POWER?!**_ " He bellowed.

"When it's remarkably easy to do so, absolutely." Selene agreed. "Now, _as I was saying earlier,_ I'm going to-"

She paused, as she witnessed the Solari surge forward to engage with the Lunari, attempting to free Aurelion from his chains. They broke into the Lunari ranks, cutting down as many as they could.

"Oh, _to hell with it._ " She muttered with a sigh.

Her hands blurred, spinning her scythe behind me.

They say that one bad day can ruin your life, and force you to become something that you never wanted to become in the first place.

That's true. But one bad _moment_ can _end_ your life, and _shatter_ the lives of your loved ones.

I experienced that moment.

As the blade of Selene's scythe sprouted from my chest, piercing my heart.

The reaction was instantaneous.

For the rest of my life...

No matter how hard I try...

I will _never_ be able to forget the sound...

Of Raka's _screaming._

It was utterly void of anything good, filled with sorrow and agony.

Shyvana transformed into a dragon, roaring furiously and spraying fire haphazardly all around her, caring little for who she struck, so long as she incinerated as many Lunari as she could.

Ellis cried out with rage, drawing back his metal arm to strike a Lunari in the face. He immediately responded by driving his knee into the Summoner's chest, and he was set upon by Selene's acolytes as Sona desperately tried to come to his aid, held back by a Lunari at each arm.

Leona and Pantheon charged, bellowing war cries, but Diana and the Red Guard came to meet them, and my friends were soon overwhelmed.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I coughed up blood as my consciousness started failing.

"And to make sure you _stay_ dead..." Selene removed her scythe from my back, then opened her hand. Lunar light coalesced and hardened within her palm, forming a razor-sharp shard of light.

She jammed it into the hole she'd left in my heart, and I let out a breathless gasp.

Selene knelt down next to me, and whispered in my ear. " _Don't you worry._ " She said, gesturing to my friends and family. " _I'll take good care of them._ "

She snapped her fingers, and Titan grabbed onto my collar. He dragged me over to the edge of the cliff, where the sea churned and frothed below me.

"Goodbye, Helios." She said. "I'd say I'm going to miss you, but then I'd be lying."

Titan released his grip, and I fell hundreds of feet to the water below.

I hit the surface, and the impact was enough to finish me off. My vision slipped away, and my consciousness faded as I sank beneath the waves.

And then there was nothing.

Nothing but cold, darkness and sorrow.

* * *

 _ **So...remember when I said that this was the last chapter?**_

 _ **I lied.**_

 _ **See you in August!**_


	44. For Once, Nothing's Funny

**_Miss me?_**

 ** _I hope so._**

 ** _Especially since I came back early._**

 ** _What's going on, everybody? I know it's been a while, but have no fear, because once again, The Dawn Has Arrived is here! You didn't honestly think that I'd abandon this story after revealing a critical plot point, did you? Uh, NO. This story is my pride and joy, and I'm fully aware of how much all of you enjoy reading it. So believe me when I say that I AM GOING TO FINISH THIS THING. I've put way too much effort into this to give up now, so in the name of all my fans, the show shall go on!_**

 ** _Now I'm gonna stop chattering. I believe you have a chapter to read._**

* * *

Darkness.

Cold.

Despair.

Fear.

These were all that registered in the few small fragments of my mind that remained. The pain that plagued my body was no longer searing. Now, it was only a dull, aching sting, buried within the deepest layers of my subconscious. The only thing I _could_ feel came from the shard embedded in my heart. It pulsed rhythmically, each vibration sending a fresh wave of pain throughout my veins. How I was even still alive, I didn't know, nor could I process it. Selene had impaled my heart straight through the middle, almost tearing it in two. I should've been dead.

At the very least, it wouldn't have hurt as much.

Oh, _gods._

 _Selene._

She'd won.

She'd bested me.

And she'd only had to use my ignorance, my arrogance, and my _pride_ as the necessary weapons.

How could I have been so blind? So stubbornly ignorant?

Why hadn't I listened, when the signs presented themselves?

 _There's a storm coming, Helios._ Eminita had warned. _The kind that brings pain. And suffering._

Rage dimly flickered at the back of my mind, followed by shame.

This was my fault.

I'd done this.

And everyone and everything I'd ever cared about had paid the price.

* * *

 _"Do you really have to leave?" I asked, nervous._

 _Aurelion must have noticed it. I tended to give off little flares in quick succession when I was nervous. I was a star, and one of the most powerful, but that didn't mean I didn't have trouble socializing. I'd only been alive for a few million years. What did_ I _know about making friends?_

 _He tilted his head to one side as we drifted in the cosmos, regarding me curiously as he pondered my question. "I must, Helios." He said. "I've watched over your development long enough. You are ready."_

 _"Am I?" I asked. "I've never been alone before. Can't you stay for just a few thousand more years?"_

 _"Helios," My creator's tone took a sterner edge. "You know that I can't show favoritism. The other stars must be cared for. And I will not be gone forever. In time, you will require maintenance again, and so I shall be there, as I always have been."_

 _I sighed, huffing out a small gravitational wave. "I know. But...what if the other stars don't like me?"_

 _Aurelion blinked, incredulous. "Why in the universe would they_ not? _"_

 _"I don't know! I'm- ...I'm new. I don't really have much confidence._ _" I replied, embarrassed. "I mean, look at the red giants! They're kinda dumb, sure, but they're still pretty cool."_

 _He threw back his head and laughed, the sound echoing for light-years around. "You say you have no confidence, and yet you've already developed a high opinion of yourself. I don't think confidence is the issue."_

 _"...Oh. Sorry." I flushed a deeper shade of orange. "I just...I don't know. I'm still nervous."_

 _Aurelion sighed. "Helios, you needn't worry about who might or might not take a liking to you. The other members of your kind will welcome you openly. They remember what it felt like to be in your position. They will tolerate your timidness until you've grown comfortable around them. Then you will be their equal."_

 _"That's not exactly comforting." I drily said. "I'd feel better if I had someone to help me along."_

 _The dragon rolled his eyes. "You're clearly one of my harder cases." He muttered. He hummed thoughtfully, turning around in a circle, skimming over the rest of his creations. "Would you feel more comfortable if I introduced you to someone before you met the others?"_

 _"That'd be nice." I agreed, still embarrassed. "But I doubt you'd be able to-"_

 _"Ah!" Aurelion looked delighted. "Yes, yes, you'll do nicely. Yes,_ you, _darling, don't be shy." He'd oriented himself to face my left, making a "come here" gesture with one of his claws. "I'd like you to meet someone. I think you'll like him."_

 _"Uh, Aurelion, maybe this isn't such a good-" I meekly protested, but he wasn't really listening._

 _"Here, Helios, look where I'm pointing." He said, extending a finger and pointing in front of him. I obeyed, as all stars did for their maker, shining my light in the direction he wanted. "_

 _No, a little to the left- almost, up, then right- yes, right there." He smirked. "I believe that you'll take a quick liking to her."_

 _...Wait._

 _HER?!_

 _It was a GIRL?!_

 _Oh gods._

 ** _Oh,_** _gods._

 _I started sweating bits of my core, fumbling for the right words to say. I'd never talked to_ anybody _before, much less a_ girl. _It was certain now. Aurelion just wanted to torment me. Of all the things that he could do, this was the worst. I was_ so _screwed._

 _"And with that, I take my leave." Aurelion turned, and began drifting away. "Good luck, Helios!"_

 _"AURELION NO WAIT-" I screamed, but by then he was already gone._

 _I gulped._

 _I slowly focused back on the star he'd shown me, resigning myself to my fate. With a sigh, I observed my "new friend."_

 _As far as I could tell, she didn't look all that different from me. We were roughly the same size, though I might've been a smidge bigger, and were both golden stars. She had a faint tinge of purple-yellow at the edges of her aura, while I had orange-red._

 _And she was close._

 _Really, **really** close._

 _Only a few million light-years away._

 _Naturally._

 _She didn't look all that intimidating, but with my luck, this was probably going to turn for the worst._

 _I gathered up my courage, puffed up my core, and went for it._

 _"Uh...hi?" I greeted awkwardly._

 _"H-Hi." She replied._

 _I momentarily paused. She sounded nervous. Almost as nervous as I was. In that case, it was possible that I could maybe pull this off._

 _"Are you still there?" She asked. "Hello? ...Oh no. I already scared him off. I_ knew _this was a stupid idea. Figures that a guy wouldn't want to talk to me anyways-"  
_

 _"Nonono, I'm still here! Sorry, sorry!" I frantically replied. "I was just thinking. I'm Helios. Hi."_

 _"I'm Soraka. It's nice to meet you." She said._

 _"So...I guess Aurelion wants us to be friends?" I asked._

 _"And he didn't even stay long enough to make sure we got along." Soraka replied._

 _"What a jerk." I said.  
_

 _She giggled._

 _Slowly, gradually, my nerves began to ease._

 _This didn't sound like such a bad idea after all._

* * *

A sudden pressure at my back thrust me forward, sending me tumbling through the shadows beneath the waves.

Demacia has numerous waterways, mostly in the form of rivers, that connect to the seas outside of Valoran. The cliff where Selene disposed of me, however, was in the bay of High Silvermere, which was a direct pathway to the ocean. It possesses fierce currents, which I was likely experiencing, followed by coral reefs and trenches.

My eyes stung with the fading memory. I'd promised that I'd come back to her. So long as I was still alive, she'd be there for me. And then we'd be together for the rest of our lives after the war was won.

Without knowing it, I lied to her.

And her _screams..._

I'd broken her.

Whatever Selene had planned for her, she'd suffer alone. Everything I touched, Selene would invoke her wrath upon. Her jealousy wouldn't let her stop, until she'd destroyed and corrupted everything I'd built.

Some boyfriend _I_ was.

I felt a spark of bitter amusement. I could still remember my first few moments as a human. I'd thought that was the worst that could ever happen. This was those moments a thousand times over, and a thousand times worse.

What kind of god was I? At that moment, it seemed like a god would have done better. A _proper_ god wouldn't have been a disappointment.

And more importantly, what kind of _grandfather_ was I?

* * *

 _I'd been nervous when I first met Raka._

 _This was infinitely worse._

 _I wasn't just nervous. I was_ scared shitless. _In all my days as a star, all my billions of years of existence, I'd never been this terrified._

 _"Helios._ Calm yourself. _" Raka said. "Everything will be fine._ _"_

 _"How can you say that?" I asked, mortified. "Look at her! She's fighting a losing battle, and all I can do is watch!"_

 _I gestured with a few rays, down below at Runeterra. I'd been observing the southern countryside of Demacia, looking down on one small farm in particular. It was only a few hundred acres, and the house wasn't anything to look at, but as far as I was concerned, it was the Citadel of Dawn itself._

 _Because inside, my great-granddaughter-in-law was having a baby._

 _"Helios, you know it isn't the first time a human has given birth to a dragon's child." Raka reminded me, sitting by the edge of the lake in her garden. "It wasn't the process of childbirth that became the problem in the end."_

 _"Yeah, but this still looks bad!" I nearly shrieked, panicked. "This is my great-great grandson-slash-daughter we're talking about! I am_ not _going to lose another one!"_

 _It had been hours since she went into labor. She'd be giving birth any minute now. The immense amount of sweat on her forehead, coupling with her quickened breathing and moans didn't really convince me that everything was going to be okay._

 _She screamed again, clenching the hand of her husband, who was still in human form. Leonidas had somehow managed to remain calm throughout the whole process, though I could see the worry in his eyes. A few nursemaids flitted around her as she lay on the bed, tending to her needs, and if they were fearful of Leonidas's scaly purple skin, yellow eyes and horns, they didn't show it. Thank the_ gods _that the professionals were willing to do this sort of thing for free!_

 _If I had eyes, I would have winced, and I briefly averted my gaze._

 _"I know that this is a big moment for you." Raka said, caressing a Celestial Rose as it swayed in the breeze. "But worrying and fretting over it won't help anyone. All you can do is wait. Have faith, Helios. Leonidas married her for a reason." Because he loved her, duh. But she was right. Iara had always possessed an immensely strong spirit, and she was relentlessly stubborn when she needed to be. I had a suspicion that the child would take more after his/her mother than her father, if she had anything to say about it._

 _"You're almost there." Leonidas assured her. "You are strong. You will succeed." He was kind of profound like that. And he was right. The head was coming out, followed by the rest. I couldn't tell the gender yet, but right now all I wanted was for things to be okay. Genders be damned, I just wanted my offspring to_ live _for once._

 _"I can't watch." I turned away. Curse the fact that I didn't have ears, otherwise I would have clamped my hands over them! Curse the fact that I didn't have hands, too!_

 _There was another scream._

 _The nursemaids worked faster._

 _Leonidas doubled his efforts on comforting his wife, taking her hand in both of his own. She locked fingers with one of them, glancing towards the dragon at her side._

 _He nodded._

 _She regained her breath, gave one last push, her screams rising to a **shriek** and-_

 _"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_

 _My core stopped._

 _Raka's breath hitched, letting out a tiny gasp. She looked up at me, gesturing for me to go ahead. I frantically looked back at the farm, peeking in through every window, wherever my light could touch._

 _Iara was cradling something in her arms, exhausted but with a smile on her face. They were facing away from the windows, so I couldn't see adequately enough, but then Leonidas made a motion to take the baby from her arms._

 _"Here, my love. Let me bring our child into the light." Leonidas looked at the windows with a knowing grin. "Her grandfather wants to meet her."_

 _Iara complied, staring at the light shining through. She looked uneasy, but if her husband wasn't worried, then she had no reason to be._

 _Then Leonidas opened the window, giving me a clear view of-_

 _Oh my gods._

 _She was beautiful._

 _She was perfect. In every way._

 _She was almost the spitting image of her father. Her skin, and eyes matched his, and I could see the faint blue tufts of hair that poked out from above her scalp. Her cries were fierce and loud, and I could tell that she would grow to be healthy and strong._

 _My core swelled with pride._

 _This was it._

 _She was going to be the one. I could feel it._

 _"Her name will be Shyvana." Leonidas said. "Do you approve? We ask for your blessing, Grandfather, but we understand if-"_

 _My light surged down through the open window, raining radiance down on every inch of her skin. For a brief moment, she glowed golden, and her cries stopped. She looked up,_ right at me, _and she smiled, laughing._

 _Leonidas mirrored her response. "You're certainly enthusiastic, aren't you Grandfather? Very well. We graciously accept your blessing."_

 _He turned back, and the child was removed from my gaze. I wanted to see her again almost immediately. "Forgive me, Grandfather, but my wife wishes to see her daughter. I will bring her out again later."_

 _I could hardly wait._

* * *

A sharp pain burst in my side.

I'd entered the reef, most likely, and judging by the faint pinpricks of agony near my ribs, I'd smashed through a patch of coral.

Pain erupted across my thighs, chest and forehead. With each new searing sensation, my conscious dulled, until I could barely comprehend the identities of those I'd betrayed.

Raka, my best friend, as well as my love. My _miella._ I wasn't worthy of her. I'd failed her when Warwick almost killed her, and despite my attempts at redemption, it seemed like that was still the case. Every time she placed her faith in me, I was a disappointment.

Shyvana, my granddaughter, and my pride and joy. She had been my legacy, and my future. Once, her future looked bright, with the promise of royalty, no less. Now, my legacy would be my failure to protect her, as I'd promised her father all those years ago. Selene would take pleasure in tormenting _her_ the most. I could only hope that Jarvan would be there for her through it all. He'd be a much better man than I ever was if he could accomplish that.

And above all, there was Leona, who'd never stopped believing in me, right up until the end. She'd been in my favor all her life, even before she became blessed as my Aspect. She'd been strong enough to resist the temptation of Selene's power, when Diana had given in to it. I'd been there for her through every trial, every challenge she encountered, and I had watched as the Solari grew strong through her guidance.

And now her god was dethroned, a hollow shell desperately clinging onto what scraps of thought he had.

I'd blessed her every time she asked, given her whatever she needed whenever she needed it.

And once again, I'd broken a promise I'd made.

* * *

 _It'd been a hell of a few weeks, that was for sure._

 _And I was_ beyond _pissed._

 _Although, I was also relieved, in a way._

 _Diana had slaughtered the Solari elders._

 _Every._

 _Single._

 _One._

 _And yet, they were assholes anyway._

 _I had_ very _mixed feelings about the whole ordeal. Hell, I was still wrapping my mind around it._

 _But it didn't matter if the elders had turned the Solari into a cult - Diana would still pay with her life for crippling my followers. And I knew just the person to trust with the job. As a matter of fact, she was coming up to Mount Targon's peak now, where I was waiting._

 _Leona walked up the last of the steps to the mountaintop, bearing the weaponry and armor that I'd recently bestowed upon her. She walked to the peak's center, then knelt on one knee, resting the tip of her sword on the ground in front of her._

 _"My Lord." She greeted simply._

 _I shone my light down on her in a golden aura, signifying that I was listening._

 _"I know what must be done." Leona continued, staring down at the ground. "Diana has gone too far, and I know that her life must be the price."_ _Good. I wouldn't have to do that much coaching, then. Made it easier on me._

 _"And yet..." She paused. "What am I to do_ after _I complete my task? I know it is my duty to eradicate any trace of the moon's power, but that will not take a lifetime to complete. You called me into your service, but what am I to do once my service is done?"_

 _"I'm no stranger to leadership." Leona said. "But...the_ Solari? _And the Rakkor as an extension? I...I don't know if I'm ready for that."_

 _But she was. I'd chosen her for a reason. She'd proven herself to be more than capable, and there was no one else that I'd trust with my power. Her armor and weapons had taken a lot of effort on my part. I didn't put work in for just anybody that waltzed up to the peak._

 _"And then there's the League of Legends." She said. "I don't know if you approve, but I went ahead with my application. The High Councilor has already accepted, and I am to leave within a month. It wouldn't surprise me if Diana were to apply as well."_

 _This I knew. I'd seen her do it myself, but I held no animosity towards her for that. It was her choice to make, after all._

 _"There's..." She sighed. "There just too much to deal with at the moment. I don't know if I can handle the burden."_

 _"Yes, you can." I replied, even though I knew she couldn't hear me. "You are worthy, Leona. You have always been."_

 _"Perhaps it was a mistake to select me for this." Leona said with a wince. It must've hurt her pride to admit it, if that was any indication. "It would be better to choose someone else."_

 _Oh,_ hell no.

 _My light blasted down, gleaming off every piece of armored plating that my Radiant Dawn wore. I filled her with as much warmth and comfort as I could, solar energy radiating from her every pore._

 _She momentarily gasped as the sensation overwhelmed her, falling to her hands and knees. I halted my efforts, and waited for her response._

 _For a long time, she was silent, as she attempted to process what I'd just done. And then at last, she let out the breath she'd been holding, and spoke._

 _"I...yes." Leona said. A small smile crossed her features, and she stood. "I understand, my Lord." She chuckled. "I suppose that I'm not alone in this venture, am I?"_

 _Exactly. I'd be watching over her the whole time. She wouldn't have anything to worry about, so long as I was there to guide her._

 _She gave a small bow. "Thank you, my Lord. I won't fail you." She turned away, and began her descent down the peak, back towards the Solari temple_

 _"And I promise_ you, _Leona..." I said. "I won't fail you either."_

* * *

I lied.

I lied to every single one of them.

Why couldn't it just have been me?

Why did they have to suffer my pain?

They didn't deserve to pay for my mistakes. This was on me, and no one else.

I wasn't a god. Not anymore.

I wasn't even a man.

I was...nothing.

Irrelevant.

Disappointing.

Broken.

Useless.

My head bashed against a hard surface, and I felt something warm and thick envelop my face.

Again and again, the current threw me against the reef, as if it could break me any more than Selene had. And again and again, the pain was almost irrelevant. As far as I was concerned, I deserved my punishment. I'd sacrificed everything I'd ever loved. It was only fitting that I sacrifice myself in turn.

Eventually, it must've been deemed that I'd had enough, for the currents began to slow, and my body with them. The warmth and thickness now smothered me from all angles, and I barely registered a faint musk through the haze of darkness.

I was going to drown in my own blood. Jhin would've found that amusing.

I slowly drifted down, rocking with the motion of the waves above, until I finally came to rest at the ocean floor.

Rest.

That sounded pretty tempting.

I had no other salvation.

I didn't deserve one.

And so, laying there in the cold, with nothing left to lose, I allowed myself to rest, and I gave in to the darkness.

* * *

And yet...

And yet.

It seemed as if even death was too good for me.

No matter what I did, I couldn't escape from the pain.

My eyes shot open, and I gasped, sitting upright.

I immediately bent over as soon as I did, vomiting blood into the sand. This in itself seemed odd, as underwater physics typically disliked that sort of thing.

"What-...?" I coughed, wiping the blood from my chin. For whatever reason, I was fully conscious, and capable of sight. Now that I could see, I discovered that I was indeed surrounded by coral, sitting in a patch of sand surrounded by the reef. The water had mysteriously receded around the ring, leaving me as dry as I could be in that situation. But despite the abundance of life, the reef was silent. Darkness coated every surface, and the only source of light came from a faint glow residing in my chest.

I didn't dare look down at myself. I didn't want to look. I couldn't.

At this point I realized that I wasn't alone. Standing around me were the gods of Runeterra. Every single one of them. All of them looked particularly melancholy, even pained at the condition I was in. I didn't meet their eyes. There was nothing for me to say.

"Lord Helios." Lamb placed her hand on my shoulder. Wolf trailed behind her, looking equally depressed. They'd slowed time around my wounds again, like they had in Kumungu. That all seemed like such a long time ago. Grim humor crossed my mind as I remembered all those times Nidalee beat me into shape. I'd have gladly taken the opportunity to go back and do all of that again, if it meant I could change the way it ended. "I'm...I'm sorry. _We_ are sorry."

I laughed bitterly. "You aren't the one who should be apologizing, Lamb. You're not the one who didn't see this coming."

"I tried to warn you, Helios." Eminita said, looking over me with anguished pity. "I told you a storm was coming. And yet you chose to ignore my warning."

Any other day, I would have lashed out. But she was right. I didn't listen, and this was the price I had to pay.

"I know." I swallowed, my throat burning. "I'm...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. To all of you." I hung my head shamefully. "I failed all of you."

 _It is not your fault, my Lord._ Naga tried to comfort me. _You couldn't have known-_

"Yes, I could have." I replied. "Did you not just hear what Eminita said? Don't try to make excuses for me, Naga. I know what I did."

None of them replied. There was nothing they could say to make me feel better, no petty compliments to boost my confidence. It was over. Selene was in charge now.

I sighed. "What's going on now? Is...is everyone...?" My question trailed off, but Eminita knew what I was asking. She always did.

"Leona is completely heartbroken." She replied sadly. "She was still struggling against her captors before we found you, but she's completely given up the will to fight, as have Pantheon and the Solari."

I swallowed, my throat burning as I did so. I nodded, trembling. "Shyvana?" I asked.

"Selene put a collar on her, with Nidalee." She grimaced. "She hasn't stopped crying since your...death. She's been separated from Jarvan as well. They may never see each other again, if Selene has her way."

Tears started forming in my eyes, and I sucked in a throaty gasp. _My gods._ What had I done?

"...Raka?" I asked, already regretting it.

Eminita paused, then shook her head. "She's completely shut down, Helios. I...I don't know how to describe it. She was almost catatonic, even when the Lunari beat her to provoke a response."

" _Dammit..._ " I couldn't hold it in any longer, letting the tears flow. I clutched a hand to my face, and I fell to my back as I broke down and wept. Fat, angry tears washed down my face, trembling gasps bursting forth as they fell to the sand. They mixed with the blood that had previously oozed from my wounds, linking together to form a silhouette around my body.

But eventually, my tears had to dry, and my sorrow faded, giving way to anger.

I continued trembling, goosebumps rising across my ripped and ravaged skin, but this time, I only felt _rage._

I was angry at Eminita, for always being so damn _enigmatic._ If she hadn't been so light on the details, none of this would've happened.

I was angry at Kindred, for keeping me alive long enough for Eminita to tell me how my friends suffered because of me.

I was angry at Selene, for taking my throne and destroying the natural order.

But most of all, I was angry at myself, for my blindness and arrogance.

And how quickly did that anger give way to _hate._

If you asked anyone "Which is stronger: Love or Hatred," they would always reply with "Love." How could hatred ever compare to love? Love is the most powerful force in the universe, they'd say. Nothing could ever be as powerful.

That's absolute bullshit.

If you say you hate someone, chances are you actually don't. You _loathe_ them, sure, but it isn't hate.

 _Real_ hatred? That comes from _pain._

And you'd better believe I learned what it felt like. It's dark, vile and filled with venom, and it's so thick that you could almost _choke_ on it. You want _nothing_ more than the cause of your suffering, and you're willing to destroy it at any cost. People might say love is more powerful, but that's only because it has beneficial results. But that's not how power is quantified, is it? You can't compare strength between the power to create and the power to destroy. They're two different kinds of power.

I shook, sucked in and _roared,_ bellowing my rage across the reef, echoing across every surface. The gods flinched from my outburst, Kindred and Eminita included.

And when my cries diminished, my throat burned raw, I glared upwards in furious silence, trembling.

My guilt and sorrow may have destroyed my will to live, but the hatred that boiled in my veins brought it back with a _vengeance._

Selene was going to die. By _my_ hand. At whatever cost.

"Kindred." I said, sitting up.

No more fun.

No more games.

I was done messing around.

"Give me Option Four."

* * *

 _ **This chapter was a bit shorter than usual, but this was more of a transition chapter anyways. From this point onwards, the REAL journey begins. As of right now, Helios is done with memes. Now, he just wants Selene's head. I hope you enjoyed this chapter like always, and I hope you're glad that I got it out early! Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	45. Supernatural Road Trip

_**What's up, everyone? Man, it feels good to get back into writing! I know this came two weeks after the last update, which is abnormal, but it's still summer vacation, so I'm still mostly taking a load off. Once work and school start again and all that, we'll be back to the weekly updates you all know and love. So! Last time on Dragon Ball League, Helios went through a helluva lotta angst, and demanded Option Four for resurrection from Kindred. I'm just gonna give you a heads-up here: don't expect something overly complicated and unexpected. To be honest, it's kind of a no-brainer, at least when people think about it. This time, Helios is cheating death once again, and the gods will have to take drastic measures to hide him from Selene, as he's in no condition to fight at the moment. So shall we? It's been a while since I got to say this, so...LET'S GET IT ON!**_

* * *

Damn the consequences.

I knew as well as anyone what would happen if I failed. I didn't particularly care about the risk. Nor was I surprised when the gathered gods immediately burst into uproar.

"Are you _mad-_ "

" _Far_ too dangerous-"

"Must be another way-"

"You _cannot_ in good conscience-"

"In your condition you can't-"

"A death wish-"

"Suicidal-"

"Far too weak to even _stand_ in your condition-"

"My Lord you _mustn't_ _-_ "

"You'll never survive-"

"You will _die-_ "

"Consumed utterly-"

"Not worth the price-"

"Your very _being_ will be-"

" _ **ENOUGH!**_ " I yelled.

They cut off immediately.

"Now, I'm very touched by your _faith_ in me," I spat. "but I don't really have any other options, do I? So unless you have something better to offer, _shut up._ " Normally, I would've been comforted that they were so concerned for my safety. I'd always taken some measure of pride in how close I was to my subordinates. But there was always a time when it eventually became annoying. I wasn't a child that needed to be coddled.

"Lord Helios, you _cannot._ " Eminita protested. "You _know_ what will happen if you fail. You can't just-"

"Oh, can't I?" I raised my eyebrow, scowling. "Remember your place, Eminita. I don't need to be informed of the risks." I snorted. "And I find it ironic that you of all people would be _scrambling_ to do so, considering how you failed to inform us of Selene's uprising before it happened."

Eminita flinched, as if she'd been struck.

"But who am I to judge?" I continued. "I'm merely the deity that lost everything within the span of a few minutes. It's not like _I_ ever had anything to worry about."

"It was _your_ mistake for not heeding my warning, Helios." Eminita replied, regaining her composure, though now with a cold aura. "If you had not been so _arrogant-_ "

She cut herself off right after the gathered gods gasped audibly.

I narrowed my eyes. "So, _that's_ the way it's going to be, Eminita?"

"My Lord, f-forgive me for speaking out of turn, I-" The goddess of fate stuttered.

I waved a hand to silence her. "Enough. I don't want to hear another word out of you. Your words have never done me any good, anyways." I knew I was being cold, but so what? I had every right to be.

"Kindred. You know what needs to be done." I stood, wincing as I felt the bones in my broken limbs shift uncomfortably. Despite the fact that they didn't pose any danger at the moment, the damage dealt still had drawbacks. My arm popped with movement in certain areas, and at times was stiff and immovable.

"You are asking us to _kill_ you, Lord Helios." Lamb replied, worry evident in her eyes. "We are Kindred, and we are Death. But this..." She shook her head. "You will never survive."

" _ **Take the arrow. Or the chase. It matters not.**_ " Wolf agreed. " ** _It is better than the alternative._** "

"I am giving you an _order,_ Kindred." I said. "This isn't up for debate."

"But my Lord-"

"Do you think me _weak,_ Lamb?" I loomed over her, glaring menacingly. "Do you think me so helpless that I would throw my life away?"

"Of course not, Lord Helios." Lamb said hurriedly. "I was foolish to suggest-"

"Damn right you were." I grunted. "Now you know what to do. Let's just get this over with so I can mount Selene's head on a wall."

"And if you fail?" She asked. "If you are lost to us forever?"

I started, closed my eyes and sighed. Despite my initial denial, the consequences of failure _did_ make me nervous. All gods feared death, despite being immortal. It was why Kindred held such high status in the divine hierarchy. No being, god or mortal, was immune to Lamb's arrows and Wolf's teeth. My heart skipped a beat more than once at the thought, though it beat uneven and ragged, hindered by whatever Selene had wedged into it.

And yet...

Who was I to fear my demise when I had prepared it myself?

"If I do not succeed after all..." I looked down at Lamb sadly. "Then it will be the price I pay for my mistake."

She said nothing, hanging her head in mournful acceptance.

"Very well, Helios." Lamb chose to forgo the honoraries, as her words could very well be the last I ever heard from her. "To the deities gathered before our Lord, you know the Law of Death. No one is to interfere in this process, lest the penalty extend to them as well."

One by one, the gods bowed their heads, resigning themselves to remain idle while I fought for my life.

I huffed, taking a few steps back from Kindred. I wouldn't want to be close to them once they started. "I'm ready."

Wolf whined pitifully. Lamb nodded.

"Prepare yourself." She said.

A dull whine filled the air.

Lamb suddenly flashed with a glowing white aura, her eyes turning from a churning blue to the same color. Wolf was engulfed in shadow, his burning eyes hissing and spitting as they turned pitch-black. The two of them stood an equal distance apart from each other as Lamb's bow dropped from her grip, lying forgotten in the sand.

A searing pain emerged in my chest, and I dropped to my knees, gritting my teeth as I strained through it. A thin, ethereal wisp of blue slowly emerged from my chest, snaking its way through the air. As it grew to a foot in length, it flipped around and dove back onto my skin, splitting into multiple tongues of sapphire light. They spread across my torso, coiling around my arms and legs before engulfing my head. They then thickened, until they touched each other and I was surrounded by a blue aura.

Ever wondered what a soul looked like when its owner was still living? Now you know.

I stood, rolling my shoulders and neck. This might have seemed like I was getting ready to completely obliterate the competition, but in reality it was really just to settle my nerves. I wasn't going to enjoy this.

Surrounded by his cloud of ash, Wolf began to slowly around Lamb, picking up speed with each completed orbit around his counterpart. Lamb's feet left the ground, levitating upwards. Her arms and legs spread, and she began to convulse, shuddering violently as Wolf's miniature twister grew larger and larger.

The cloud of ash tightened as it rose above her head, forming a dark silhouette of her fur as it engulfed her. She shook harder and faster, dark lightning crackling across her body as her transformation progressed. Her body grew taller and broader, her stump of a tail elongating and thickening while her arms did the same, growing into long black claws with tendrils of dark electricity flickering at the tips. Her legs stretched, growing talons on each toe, as well as the heel. The mane of fur on the back of her head lengthened, the hairs becoming wild and tangled until they reached her waist. Her mask (face, whatever) snapped and popped as it grew, a jawline emerging along the bottom. Her eyes blazed purpe, spewing miniature infernos of indigo.

 _CRACK!_

There was an explosion of light, and I was thrown off my feet, slamming into a wall of coral behind me. I shook my head as the dust cleared, and a dark silhouette presented itself through the haze.

" ** _HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!_** "

My heart nearly stopped.

I looked up to see Kindred step into view, and the other gods murmured nervously in response.

The creature before me was as I described it, black fur coating its body, white tufts emerging around the collar, torso and mane. Lamb and Wolf's masks had been fused together, creating a snarling visage bearing a maw filled with teeth. Horns sprouted from the forehead, twisting upwards and glowing purple at the tips.

This creature was nothing but Death. It is only known as the Beast, for no one dares to imagine another name for it. If it _did_ have a name, it would not be spoken.

It roared again, and I felt my heart pound erratically.

This was a mistake.

* * *

The pain was indescribable.

Selene's humiliation couldn't even compare. My soul was being forcefully wrenched from my body, spiraling in translucent wisps of cerulean into Kindred's (or what used to be Kindred) jaws. I was rendered immobile, completely unable to move as billions of years' worth of experiences were warped and erased from my memory.

When Lamb and Wolf fuse, they become the Beast - the living embodiment of Death, in its purest, most hateful form. It lacks coherent thought, and only responds to the vast hunger residing within itself. It can only sate this hunger by devouring the souls of its victims. Those that are consumed will never see the afterlife. They are simply...gone. They cannot achieve eternal rest if there is nothing at all _to_ rest. Your soul is more than just your spirit, you see. It is _you._ The body contains your physical traits, such as your appearance. The mind contains your thoughts. But your personality, experiences, everything that you _are_ is contained within the soul. To destroy the soul is to completely eradicate your identity, turning your body into a dry husk, which eventually withers away.

And in the case of Option Four, you must risk that. You don't actually _fight_ the Beast. You can't. Were you to try, the outcome wouldn't be in your favor. Instead, the Beast tests your will to live. It begins feeding on your soul, your entire life laid bare before its eyes as it feasts. In some ways, it is similar to Illaoi's test, but the Beast does more than consume your soul:

It erases you from existence.

If you fail, your _history_ fades away. It'll be as if you never existed at all, and time will alter itself to compensate for the error of your existence. All of your past accomplishments will be undone, and the world will carry on from a new starting point without you.

This was the consequence gods feared. Their influence is almost _boundless,_ shaping the very course of Runeterra. Civilizations have risen because of their guiding hands, and at the same time fallen for the same reason. Who knows what would happen should they fail to conquer the Beast's trial?

The only way to succeed is to keep hold of your soul through sheer force of fill. If the Beast is unable to devour you, it will split back into Kindred, and you will have earned the right to live. However, few have done so, and only we gods remember those who've been erased.

It occurred to me in that moment, as my essence unraveled, that even though I had damned the consequences, I hadn't really considered them. How idiotic.

I was the _creator_ of Runeterra. Through my will, mountains had risen in the harsh lands of the Freljord, oceans had rained down from the skies to form the Guardian's Sea, all out of _nothingness._ If I failed, there would never be a Valoran. No Demacia, no Mount Targon, no League of Legends.

And no Leona.

No Shyvana.

I clung to my fading memories as much as I could as they were torn from my mind, screaming from the strain. However, I was fighting a losing battle. My companions were already disappearing from my knowledge, and in their place I only found muddled blurs. Who had I fought with in the Freljord again? Her name started with a vowel, I was sure of it, but the rest I couldn't recall.

One by one, they all slipped away, until only my best friend, my girlfriend, and my granddaughter remained. These were the central figures of my life, and they were not so easily forgotten.

I couldn't let myself die.

I had failed them.

I had to save them. I couldn't abandon them when they needed me the most.

But at the same time...why did I fight?

If I faded from existence, if all my accomplishments followed, didn't that also include my mistakes?

If I never existed, Raka would most likely find another star to bond with, and fall in love with as an extension. Warwick would also cease to exist, which meant that she would never have to endure his betrayal. And maybe Leona and Shyvana would come back as well, in some other form. Without my arrogance, they'd be better off. I wouldn't be a disappointment to them.

The more I considered this, the more the three of them encouraged me to die.

They were my demise. They were, quite literally, going to be the death of me.

 _It would be so easy to give in._ They seemed to tell me. _We are happier without you. Give in to the darkness, and we will be free._

I agreed with them.

And as a result, I let them go.

The Beast began to consume my soul at a quickened pace, as my grip on my life slackened.

"Helios, _no!_ " Someone I didn't know said. "You _can't_ give up now! Remember who you _are!_ "

She sounded familiar, but I couldn't place the name. It didn't matter anyways. Nothing would, in the end.

 _My Lord, **please.**_ Someone else agreed. _You are sentencing this world to **death.**_ That was certainly the idea.

"You are _stronger_ than this, Helios." A male voice rumbled, followed by the booming of thunder. I looked over to see a dragon that crackled with electricity. A storm dragon? What a weird idea.

It was funny, so I laughed.

And as my consciousness faded, as my mind fell apart, it finally went dark.

I sank into the void, and there was nothing but darkness, bliss, and...

 _Laughter._

 _What?_ I thought, through the fragments of my conscious thought.

Cold, unforgiving _laughter._

 ** _You really are daft sometimes, Helios._ **

What was that?

I knew that voice.

I decided that I didn't like it.

 _ **I wanted to give you**_ _hope, **Helios.**_

 _Hope?_

 ** _So I could take it away from you._**

More laughter.

 _GALIO!_

Who was Galio? It made me feel...sad, for some reason.

 _ **I've been waiting to do this for** years._

 _Stop._ I silently pleaded. _Just let me die._

 _ **From now on, it'll be** my **light running things.**_

 _ **Stop.**_ I pleaded, louder this time.

 _ **As of right now, I'm in charge.**_

 _STOP!_ I yelled, through the darkness.

 _Pain._

 _Laughter._

 _She beat me within an inch of my life, and she **laughed** while she did it._

 _Ha. Ha. Ha._

 ** _Pathetic rodents that can't even compare to our power-_**

 ** _Runeterra needs me. You'll mess it up if you destroy me-_**

 _ **Much too hot-headed and idiotic for my tastes-**_

 _ **Inconsiderate wretch-**_

 _ **Aren't you going to answer her, Helios? She's** waiting-_

 ** _An empire of lunar light will_** _rise, **on this very day-**_

 _I hate you._

 ** _The feeling's mutual._**

 ** _Oh, don't you worry._**

 ** _I'll take good care of them._**

...Selene.

 _SELENE._

I remembered the rage, the _hatred_ that consumed my mind. I remembered how I hated her with every fiber of my being, how I wished I could simply _will_ her out of existence.

My will to live weakened with my guilt, but my hatred caused it to return with a vengeance.

I couldn't die yet.

Not until I'd dragged her down with me.

My memories came flooding back under the haze of red that filled my vision, and I let out a cry of rage as I remembered all that she'd done. All that she had taken.

I was going to make sure that the last thing she'd ever see was my face, with my hands around her _throat._

And as my vision cleared, as I came back into the world, I realized that someone was attempting to speak with me.

"My- ...Lord- _Helios-_ "

I looked to see my hand clenched around Lamb's throat, her legs dangling in the air while Wolf lay on the ground a little ways away from her, unmoving.

My eyes widened with horror. Her mask was cracked, and she was bleeding, her fur stained red around the shoulders and hip. Her bow was almost snapped in two, held together only by the string.

My trembling had released its grip, and she fell to the ground, gasping for breath.

"What- what did I-" I dropped down next to her, helping her to sit up. "I'm- I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"What did I...do?" I asked, mortified.

"You nearly killed her." Ao Shin informed. "You were nearly lost, then you suddenly regained consciousness and beat the Beast back into Kindred. You didn't stop there - if you had not regained your senses, they would both be dead."

"Is Wolf-"

"He will live." Eminita replied.

I hung my head. Once again, I'd somehow managed to hurt everyone I cared about. If Selene hadn't beckoned me back, I would have been more than content to let go. It was becoming more and more evident that everyone was better off without me. But my hatred wouldn't allow me to rest. Selene had illustrated my weakness, and used it to overthrow me. The very least I could do was tear her head from her shoulders.

My knees buckled, and I collapsed in the sand.

Shit. Time was reverting to its normal speed, now that I'd won.

My vision swam, and the tidal wave of pain from Selene's abuse returned, though I couldn't scream or cry out in response.

"We don't have much time." Eminita said. "Selene sent out search parties for his body before he undertook the trial."

"She is no fool, then." Ao Shin grunted. "She knows that if she can't find the corpse, then he may very well be alive."

"Selene...will find him-" Lamb coughed erratically, and I felt another pang of guilt. "-If he stays here. We must hide him."

"Where could he be hidden?" He replied. "Nowhere on this world is safe for him. Selene will be able to find him no matter where he goes."

Nagakabouros remained silent as the gods continued to debate, considering something.

 _V  
_ _V  
W  
A  
A  
U  
M..._

"Dammit." Ao Shin cursed. "They're already here."

Pale silver searchlights shone down from above, highlighting various sections of the reef. They began to trail along the ocean floor, getting closer and closer to our position. They'd see us in minutes, and then it'd be over.

It was then that Naga made her decision.

 _He may not be safe in **this** world,_ She said, coming forward. B _ut perhaps he will be in another._

 _What?_ I thought.

Naga opened her gigantic mouth. The inside began to glow bright blue, becoming a swirling sapphire vortex. It slowly sucked in everything around it, pulling me closer.

Those idiots. What the _hell_ were they doing?! If they sent me away to somewhere I couldn't reach them, they'd be at Selene's mercy. And she had none when it came to my friends.

Eminita must have noticed my distress. "Forgive us, Lord Helios." She gave a pained smile. "But we have no other options. We answer to Selene, as of this day."

"We will serve her until your return." Ao Shin continued. "Regain your strength, then find your way back to us."

"You will not let us down, my Lord." Lamb said.

" _ **We have faith in you.**_ " Wolf agreed, picking himself up to limp beside her.

The rest of Runeterra's pantheon voiced their agreement, and I felt so gratified and so humiliated that they would put their trust in me at a time like this.

I didn't have much of a choice. I would have to go through with this, and pray (to whoever was listening) that I would see them again.

As the lights approached me, the vortex pulled me in.

And then I was gone.

* * *

I woke up in a dumpster.

As an extension, I felt like shit.

The tidal wave had been reduced to dull ripples, almost like the tide, but I still felt extremely weak, and I could barely keep my eyes open. My entire body felt heavy, and I was aware of numerous broken bones. Only my left leg and right arm were mostly intact, and movable.

I was laying in a pile of trash, which was already staining my armor. Not that it mattered, anyways. It was already useless. Frankly, the dumpster was where it belonged.

I also became aware of the disgustingly deep pool of blood that was slowly expanding underneath me. That explained why I felt like losing consciousness just after waking up. Now I had to figure out where the hell I was. And, with luck, not die while doing so.

Trying my best to ignore the searing spikes of pain that flashed in my everywhere, I snaked a trembling hand up to the rim of the dumpster. When I pulled myself up, blood suddenly began seeping from my wounds in greater quantities, and the immense strain from the effort, combined with the mind-numbing pain, caused my stomach to lurch. I immediately vomited over the rim, coating the street with blackish-red splotches. I fell over the rim, landing on the cobblestones in front.

I coughed wetly, tasting my blood in my mouth. I felt like I had to fight for every breath I took, each lungful of air a prize to be won.

I hadn't cheated death for five _minutes,_ and I was already dying.

This was bad.

 _Very_ bad.

Even more so, considering that I was in _Zaun_ of all places. So much for "another world."

I'd recognize the patchwork architecture and smokestacks anywhere. The thick stench of chemicals hung in the air like fog, making each breath I took rather bittersweet. People mulled about and performed their daily business in the streets ahead of the alley I was in, though none of them gave me any notice. I doubted I was the first unfortunate soul to grace Zaun's streets, nor would I be the last.

With an exceptional amount of effort, plus an extra gallon of blood, sweat and tears, I pulled my arm up to the rim again, and used it to help me stand. I covered my mouth with my good hand as I shakily stood, my armor and clothing stained crimson. I wouldn't last _minutes_ at this rate, and I didn't feel like having to explain to Kindred why I'd died so quickly.

I took one step forward, and my leg buckled almost immediately, sending me to my hands and knees. I nearly went into shock from the pain, cold tendrils of fire racing through my veins.

 _Just die already, Helios._ Raka's voice whispered in my head. _You're useless the way you are now._

It was tempting.

 _ **I'll grind them all beneath my feet.**_ Selene's voice countered. _**They will all suffer.**_

I growled, grit my teeth and stood, the pain fueling my anger, which fueled my hate, which fueled my energy.

I cradled my broken arm with my intact one, placing my weight on my good leg. The ground was slick from the blood I'd lost, but I managed to set off at a consistent pace, limping out into the streets. Or what passed for them, anyways.

Unlike Piltover, which sits on top of the city, Zaun doesn't have any main roads. It's a giant maze of courtyards and bridges on multiple levels, crowded with run-down buildings and the Grey, the constant cloud of noxious gas that fills the atmosphere. You can't walk for two _seconds_ without finding another chemical spill, and in some areas the gas is so thick that you can easily suffocate.

I had absolutely no idea where to go, but I knew that unless I could find a doctor, I'd bleed out. So-called "doctors" in Zaun were relatively cheap, but I didn't have any money on me, and even if I did, their methods of medication were less than favorable. I'd have to get as close to Piltover as possible if I wanted to find someone I could trust with my health. However, I doubted I would find help in Piltover itself. Ekko's right when he says that a lot of Piltovans are stingy. They tend to look down on those that are unfortunate.

The Bridgewaltz market would be the place to go. Zaunites and Piltovans alike flooded there each day to take delight in the goods each city had to offer. It was a spot of common ground between the two, and with luck it'd have what I needed. If it didn't...I didn't want to dwell on the thought.

I'd have to take a hexdraulic-conveyor to get up to the market, as it was several levels up. Fortunately, there happened to be one rather close, the entrance just up a flight of stairs leading to a bridge.

The downside: the entrance was up a flight of stairs.

I stopped at the bottom, the stairs seeming like they went on for miles. I cursed, then began to limp up, staining the roughly hewn cobblestone red. I nearly tripped five times, and by the time I'd gotten to the top I'd probably broken my arm _again._

I staggered into the conveyor just as there was the final call for passengers, filing in with a crowd of Zaunites. The operator eyed me warily, but he didn't care enough to inquire about my condition, which was how I preferred it.

The ride up was humid, sticky and nauseating, and I could see people attempting to keep their distance. To be fair, I wouldn't want to share an elevator with a bleeding, barely conscious psychopath wearing bits and pieces of shattered armor either. I wasn't a _psychopath,_ per se, but one can see how I'd be perceived as such. The windows of the lantern-shaped conveyor were stained green from the air, and as we went up, I was offered a lovely view of the Grey, followed by shrieking birds constantly bashing against the glass.

When the doors opened, everyone else flooded out, making it clear that they didn't find me good company. If I was in better shape, I might have cared. I was fading out already as it was, so I had little time to waste. I staggered across the wide bridge that made up the market, skimming over the various shops and stalls in search for one that had medical supplies. I just needed something to keep me alive for an hour at the most - that would be more than enough time to find a proper doctor.

I felt my skin crawl as the various stall managers greedily eyed my armor. What few scraps remained would fetch a pretty penny in the black markets, which painted a massive target on my back.

 _There._ I found one stall in particular that looked promising, littered with all manner of prosthetics and apparatuses. The manager looked shifty, even for Zaun's standards, but I didn't have much of a choice. I staggered over as quickly as I could, dropping to my knees and hurling at the foot of his stall.

"...I take it you're here for a purchase, then?" The grubby man asked, casually leaning over the stall. He didn't look particularly concerned for my well-being, which didn't surprise me. There were probably hundreds of other people like me limping about in the city.

"P-Please." I stuttered, pulling myself up until I was supported by my elbows on the stall. "It...it hurts. I just need something, _anything_ that can keep it from hurting until I find a doctor."

"You got payment?" He raised an eyebrow. His eyes wandered to my armor, picking it clean in his imagination. "That's a nice set of duds you've got there. I might be willing to part with something good if you offered up a piece."

I pointed to a shoulder plate, which would hopefully be enough to cover the cost. I'd be shocked if it wasn't. "Ta-" I hacked and coughed up a storm, blood dripping from my teeth. "Take it. I have...no use for it."

He pulled a knife from his belt, and with a great amount of effort (even battered, Targonian craftsmanship is absolutely flawless), managed to cut the plate from the set.

"Here." He tossed me a breathing apparatus from the stall. "It'll give you a bit of adrenaline." Glowing green tubes filled with chemicals jutted out from almost every angle, and there was a little strap attached that was intended to be wrapped around the head.

I scrambled to press it to my face, sucking in through my nose as quickly as I could.

My nostrils and throat were filled with fire, and the world warped into a sickly green around me.

Son of a bitch.

I hacked and coughed even harder, green tainting the red patches that littered the floor. "Oh. That's not good." The stall manager carelessly remarked. "Sorry. I should've mentioned that it malfunctions sometimes."

"You- _bastard..._ " I swore, my head feeling like it was about to burst.

"Well, what can you do?" He chuckled, admiring my shoulder plate in the dim light of the Grey. "I gotta say, this'll fetch quite a price in the right market. Probably worth thirty to forty times the apparatus I just gave you."

I was absolutely _livid._ I'd been beaten, humiliated, and cheated in less than the span of a single morning. To think that twenty-four hours ago I was so jubilant.

I lunged upward to wrap my hand around the manager's throat, clenching at the area over his vocal cords.

His fist rammed into my cheek, and I felt my jawline crack as I flopped to the ground.

"Hands off." He scowled. "Fair trade's fair trade. This is mine now."

He picked me up by the collar of my tunic, then pulled out his knife and began sawing away at the rest of my armor. Plate after plate fell on his table, until I was only dressed in my undergarments. "Don't mind if I take a little more, do you?" He asked. "What am I saying? 'Course you don't."

He dragged me to the edge of the market and threw me over the railing, and my limp body hovered in space for but the briefest of moments, before I began to fall. I plunged downward, falling deep into the bowels of the city.

" _Try not to lose too much blood!_ " The manager called after me, cackling. " _The Howler's got a taste for it!_ "

I didn't have enough time to process what he said. I bounced off a passing hexdraulic-conveyor, breaking several ribs before I plummeted into the darkness below.

* * *

 _Hissss..._

 ** _Hassss..._**

 _Hissss..._

 ** _Hassss..._**

 _Hissss..._

 _ **Hassss...**_

 _Hisss-_

My eyes snapped open.

 _Where-_

I couldn't breathe.

I immediately began thrashing and struggling, in an attempt to pry whatever blocked the flow of oxygen from my face, but my arms wouldn't move. Neither would my legs. Or _anything._

No.

No, no, _no._

 _ **NO!**_

I screamed out pained whimpers as I tried again and again. I was desperate. I felt trapped. Constrained. Vulnerable. Someone had even taken off my undergarments and replaced them with a pair of boxers, so I was also feeling violated.

I thrashed so hard that I shook the walls of my new prison, screaming until my throat felt raw. My vision was unfocused, and I couldn't see, adding to my panic.

There was the sound of a door opening, and a dark muddled blur rushed over to me, carrying a flash of white in one hand. I felt a stab of pain in my right wrist, and then my pain stopped, and my vision sharpened. My breathing evened, and I found that I could inhale through the apparatus attached to my face. Unlike the previous one, it actually _worked,_ to my relief.

My relief faded when I finally took the time to look around.

I was in a small bedroom inside a larger building, judging by the hint of a workshop outside the crack of the door. The bedroom itself was bare, save for the actual bed I laid upon, along with a desk bearing various medical instruments, neatly organized in rows. Jars filled with organic and mechanical body parts lined shelves on the walls, and I subconsciously gulped at the sight.

Hoses and tubes stuck out from along my arms, legs and chest, filled with a murky red fluid. Around my chest was a sort of harness, the tubes protruding from the material filled with greenish-yellow chemicals. These also connected to my skin, mostly around the heart. The shard Selene had impaled me with jutted out from the hole in the center of the contraption, causing the scars poking out from the harness to glow a faint silver. With each pulse, I felt a small ache, confirming the shard as the source of my torment.

"You were unconscious for three days." The figure at my side said.

I turned to look at him, and my eyes widened. I immediately began struggling in response, muffled cries piercing the stale air.

"You are safe here. I know what they say about me, but I will not cause you any harm." The voice tried to reassure me, but I wasn't fooled. I knew exactly what kind of man he was, if he was even a _man_ anymore.

He sighed, and I felt another soft stab of pain. My eyelids began to grow heavy, and my thrashing ceased.

"Rest." Viktor said, as my vision darkened. "We will talk once you have recovered sufficiently."

* * *

 _ **Oh, so you thought the lore changes would screw my fic over once they were released, eh? Well GUESS WHAT, RIOT?! I CAN ADAPT! I CAN WORK THAT IN! IN FACT, THE LORE CHANGES ONLY MAKE IT MORE FUN! THIS MEANS NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME?! NOTHIIIIIIIIING!**_


	46. Viktor Stops Being Viktor

**_I'm back. And with a new chapter to boot! So, guys and gals, who's ready to GET THIS THING AWN?! I've been getting a lot of reviews lately, ever since chapter fourty-three, and that pleases me a lot, so thanks! It feels nice to see that my plot twist paid off. So, let's explain a few things: first off, for those of who lack half a brain, Helios met Current Lore Viktor. This means that I am going to include the other reworked champions as well. So for now, sit back, relax (or stand on the edge of your seat, I don't care), and enjoy the show, because from here on out, things are getting JUICY._**

* * *

This wasn't Viktor.

No matter what he looked like, no matter how similar he sounded to the original, there was nothing that could convince me. As I stared at him while he fetched me a mug of sweetmilk, I could find _nothing_ about the Viktor that _I_ had known. There was no cold indifference, no cruel disregard for organic life. He had saved mine, after all. Viktor never had any use for trickery or deception. If he wanted you dead, or experimented upon, you'd know it.

 _Hisss_ _..._

Hasss...

I sucked in through the breathing apparatus, grimacing from the stale air that was laced with chemicals. According to the Machine Herald, I would have to keep it on until I fully recovered. Which, he made clear, might never happen. To be honest, I had expected this. How? Guess.

You wouldn't have called me a sight for sore eyes, if you'd seen what I looked like. The mechanical implants were for function, not form, and even then they weren't particularly durable. I was almost as bad as Urgot. Tubes and augmentations covered my limbs and torso, almost like an exoskeleton. The harness around my chest prevented Selene's shard from going any deeper, but it was clunky and awkward, not to mention heavy. The breathing apparatus could only be removed while eating or drinking, as it was the only thing allowing me to heal. The shard was emitting a strange magical aura that prevented my body from healing, to the point where it had to be forced. My burning eye was no longer a blazing light, merely a dull orange that was a slightly brighter color than my other eye.

The day after I awoke, I had been allowed to leave the bed. However, I wasn't yet allowed to leave the workshop until I had explained myself. To pass the time, I sat on a chair by the window, watching the fervent lack of activity in the alley. It irritated me to some extent, which only served to fuel my outrage at my condition. Glaring at the occasional passing rat relieved my mood once in a while, however slightly.

Viktor finished mixing the powder and cream, then poured it into a mug, using his third arm to heat the liquid until it was a sufficient temperature. He set the mug on the table, then gestured for me to join him as he sat.

"Drink." He gestured to the mug.

I obeyed, slightly pulling up the apparatus to let the frothy white substance stream down my throat. While this Viktor wasn't as malicious as mine, I had no way of knowing how he would respond to insults. I thought it best to stay on his good side. The implants around my fingers clicked and adjusted as the appendages moved, reminding me of my discomfort.

I finished drinking, setting the mug down with a gratified gasp. It was followed by dismay, as I once again had to place the apparatus over my lower face. After that, we sat together in uncomfortable silence, at least on my part.

"I unsettle you." Viktor noted.

"Yes." I replied simply.

"It is not because of the implants." He said.

"No." I replied again. "I understand the need for them."

"Most don't." He continued. "I imagine that you've heard the rumors."

"Bizarre experiments, turning men into machines, the like." I confirmed. This, in a way, was true. They weren't _rumors_ where I was from, however. They were reality.

"And if the rumors _were_ true, why do you suppose I would perform such acts?" This conversation was beginning to feel like a school session.

"Because machines don't have the emotional weaknesses that humans do." I replied. "You believe that emotion limits our capabilities. People won't give their humanity away, so you force it on them, because you believe that the ends justify the means." Alright, Viktor, I'll play this little game of yours. If you're really one of the good guys, prove it to me.

"And that is where rumor separates from reality." Viktor said, briefly exiting his chair to clean the mug in the sink. He talked over his shoulder, focusing mainly on his task. "Emotion can be a weakness, but it can also be a strength. Aberrations like anger, fear, hatred, these are what limit us all. They prevent us from striving for greater things, settling for good when we can have exceptional."

"Answer me this: throughout the course of history, how many times has fear of change been a cause for disaster?" He turned back to look at me inquisitively.

"Too many to count." I replied. And that was the truth. It's always been a flaw within us. And not just for humans, either. People in general seem to never get along just because they're different from each other. Take Xayah, for instance. She's naïve, too much so for her own good. She wants to help her people, but she doesn't understand the necessity of compromise. Humans are dependent on first impressions. Make a bad one, and they won't like it. Rakan doesn't help much either, considering.

"And why would I seek to eliminate the emotions that fuel my cause?" Viktor asked. "I pursue the goal of an augmented world because I believe it will help people. I _care._ If I were to erase any and every trace of my humanity, I would lack the capacity to care. Thus, I would question the futility of my efforts, and likely cease trying. Emotion is valuable when unrestricted by fear. That, in essence, is the idea behind my pursuits."

"The Glorious Evolution." I echoed.

Viktor hummed with mild distaste. "Ironically, fanaticism is a trait that I _also_ wish to exterminate. The Glorious Evolution is only a name given by those who treat me as if I am a messiah. I am not here to save them from whatever imaginary enemy they conjured up in their feeble minds. I am only here to help them save themselves."

"And the augmentations?" I asked. "You don't force them on people?"

"What purpose would that serve?" Viktor asked in response. "That would only confirm the rumors. My pursuit is akin to a revolution, and revolutions never succeed if people do not _want_ them to succeed." Start taking notes, Xayah. The robot actually gets it. "No. I only operate on those who come to me of their own free will, or if those who will die without it. I am here as a doctor, not a tyrant. What good is my work if it only creates pain?"

The knot in my chest began to unwind, and for the first time since meeting him, I relaxed. It felt a little odd, to lower my guard after a relatively short conversation, but...something about his reasoning just made me feel safer.

"Now then." Viktor sat himself back down.

"If my counterpart on your world is so delusional as to force augmentation on the unwilling, you must have a good story to tell."

Well, shit.

* * *

Zaun really was remarkable, in the way that it was completely _un_ remarkable.

No matter where you went, the atmosphere was thick with the Grey, and at times it was impossible to see even three feet in front of your face.

It looked even worse from up above. Zaun also had crude copies of Piltover's Hextech cable cars, and by crude I mean _disgusting._ Sitting in one of them was like being suspended in an airborne furnace, and the rats weren't shy about hitching a ride. Most of Zaun's residents weren't much cleaner, making the entire car one giant petri dish. It didn't even offer a decent view, either. During my time as a star, I had often pondered what the city beneath Piltover looked like, as the smog made it difficult for my light to pass through. Now that I was bearing a firsthand glimpse, my excitement was severely diminished.

After I had calmed down from nearly having a seizure, Viktor had explained how he deduced where I was from. It mainly had to do with the fact that I kept mumbling stuff in my sleep (which was a tad bit embarrassing), and the fact that I had stared at him like I'd seen a ghost. Viktor, in reply, had only two possible explanations in his mind: one, that I was delusional. Through our brief conversations, he had concluded that while I was remarkably brooding and antisocial (which he related to), I wasn't insane. Two: I was from a place where he had an even worse reputation than in Zaun. He had a photographic memory, and didn't remember any of the heinous acts I described to him after the revelation, which meant that it was either an imposter or an alternate version of himself. Considering that it would be _very_ difficult to pose as Viktor, he ultimately went with "alternate dimension."

It was remarkable what a lack of fear or doubt in one's abilities could do for you. Viktor's revolution was starting to make more and more sense.

So...I told him everything. I didn't have much of a choice otherwise, and Viktor had asked nicely. Plus, he wasn't offended by the fact that I'd killed him back on my world. I decided to take that as a token of good faith. By the end of my recount I was trembling, and Viktor had to place a hand on my shoulder to steady me. His capability to offer sympathy had lessened, as he was more machine than man, but he did his best by fetching me another mug of sweetmilk. The flavor was addictive, though it may have been due to the fact that it was the _one_ thing in the city that wasn't completely contaminated.

After that...nothing. Viktor resumed his work, which left me feeling rather annoyed. I'd bared my soul, and in return he hadn't even bothered asking if I wanted his help, which I did. Viktor had been capable of making some pretty crazy things, back on my Runeterra. I had no doubt that _this_ Viktor was any different. Oh, what, you think I wouldn't have figured it out? I hadn't missed Naga's ominous statement, and by the looks of things, there weren't many other explanations.

He eventually noticed my irritation, and confirmed that he was indeed willing to help, but getting me home would take time, and there were others in Zaun that needed his attention. In secret, of course. However, he would be willing to help _me_ quicker if I helped _him_ first. Which brought his previously mentioned patients to mind...

So, here I was, acting as his personal delivery boy, carrying a large sack of mechanical parts on my back that reeked of oil and mildew. He'd given me a list of locations that needed his services, then sent me off with directions to each one. I had been at the task for three days, and it never ceased to irritate me.

It was absolutely infuriating, and yet once again my drop in status seemed fitting.

 _Oh, how the mighty have fallen._ Leona's voice laughed. _It's little wonder that you failed me, seeing you as you are now._

 _Shut up._ I snapped. _You aren't real, so don't bother screwing with me._

 _Do I have to be real?_ Leona replied. _The truth remains the same either way._

And as much as I hated to admit it, she was right.

 _I wouldn't antagonize him, if I were you._ Selene's voice smugly interrupted. _You've seen what he's like when he's angry._

 _True, but what's he going to do_ this _time?_ Leona asked mirthfully. _Throw a tantrum, then bleed out through his tears?_

They both howled with laughter, and I cursed my own insanity in response. I was losing it even worse than my early travels.

 ** _Damn it all._**

The cable car lurched to a stop, and I quietly stumbled off, close to my destination. I say "stumbled" because I was still adjusting to the implants. Viktor had said I would be able to move relatively normally given time, but for now, my pace was little better than a lumbering gait. Viktor had also given me a spare tunic, complete with trousers and boots. The tunic was a dirty grey, the trousers a muddled greenish-black, and the boots an absolutely riveting shade of muddy brown. Numerous holes had to be torn to allow room for the implants, and then I was given a cloak and hood to help shield the augmentations from view, or at least try to hide them. All in all, combined with my breathing apparatus, I looked like a typical Zaunite. Viktor wore the ensemble when he needed to run personal errands in the city, as his appearance generally caused mass panic. Thus, a disguise was needed. I was fairly certain that I could still smell the faint scent of singed metal fused with sinews. Fascinating.

I hopped off the walkway and gently nudged my way through the crowd as I exited the station, stepping down the stairs to the streets while mindful of the occasional glance thrown my way. Their attention was mainly focused on the sack of parts slung across my shoulder, but they weren't stupid enough to try it out in the open. But then again, it was Zaun. There would be _plenty_ of alleyways to slit my throat in.

"'Scuse me!" A boy said from out of nowhere, brushing past me as if he was in a hurry. I felt a faint tugging on my arm, and I realized with a start that the boy thought my implants weren't actually attached to my body. Beginner's mistake, I assumed.

I snatched the wrist that had made contact and wrenched the boy towards me, glaring with all the fury and intimidation I could muster, which was quite a decent amount. The boy let out a pained cry and tried to flee, but despite my weakness, my grip was strong.

"Try that again," I growled. "and I break your arm. Do you understand?"

He nodded haphazardly. "Get out of here." I said, releasing my hold. He bolted, disappearing into the huddled masses.

I sighed, shaking my head and resuming my course. If you're wondering why I don't do a better job of describing the surrounding environment this time, what would I tell you? Zaun looks exactly the same in most areas. Poorly constructed houses, buildings that hadn't been washed in decades, the ever-present stench of the Grey, you get the picture. There _were_ a few canals dividing the cobblestone blocks, overlooked by small archway bridges, but the water wasn't anything special. Or sanitary.

So, to relieve the depressing aroma in the air, I did what all Zaunites did in that situation: I looked up. One could faintly see the towering golden (though not actual gold) spires that made up the structure of Piltover, and the hovercars that floated in lanes in between. It was a beautiful sight, and for a brief instant, I forgot the drab squalor I sat in.

Then I looked back down, and my misery returned. See how it works?

I pulled out the list of locations and glanced down at my current objective. "4321 Burke Lane." I muttered to myself. "Well, isn't that a typical name for a completely untypical city."

I checked the map that accompanied the list, and then referred to the bleached street signs for reference. The paint was chipped, which made it _so_ much easier. "4317...4318...4319..." I trailed off. "4325?" That couldn't be right. I looked back and forth between the alternating signs, to make sure I was seeing things correctly, and indeed I was.

Which meant...

I groaned. Oh, _gods._ I peered around a corner to the right, and sure enough, faintly through the Grey, there was the house I needed to be at.

Near the end of a long, dimly lit alleyway. _That_ was boundto go well.

I briefly considered dodging the house altogether, but I knew that Viktor would notice. With an even further exaggerated groan, I lumbered down the alley. This particular alleyway had a street that was cracked most of the way, letting the greenish-grey soil poke through. My boots lightly splashed in the puddles that littered the path, the lanterns hanging on the walls casting a grim mood for the setting. I swallowed, then continued on.

I reached the door in question, letting go of the breath I'd been subconsciously holding as I stood in the light near the doorway. Most creatures in Zaun would stay away from the light if they could help it, shady figures included. Or perhaps it was my natural desire as a star to dwell in the light. Regardless, I was relieved as I knocked on the rotting wooden surface.

The nervousness began to creep back, as the house's resident took a considerable amount of time to reach the door. I sighed irritably, growing increasingly resentful. "Open up!" I called, glancing over my shoulder. "You're on Viktor's list, right? He said you needed parts!"

The shadows began to play tricks on my mind, taking shape in the form of clawed monstrosities. I shook the hallucinations from my thoughts and continued to wait, tapping my foot and humming a random rhythm to keep myself occupied.

The door cracked open, light shining from the small sliver of space. "You're from Viktor's place?" A gruff voice asked. I paused, feeling as if I'd heard it before.

"Yeah." I replied. "I have a sack full of parts. Just take what you need and I'll be on my way."

The man on the other end hesitated, then opened the door fully. "Alright, let's see what's in the bag."

My eyes widened for a fraction of a second.

Standing in the doorway was the same grubby shopkeeper that had sawed off my armor and tossed me into the river. I stiffened, then subtly relaxed, a cold determination settling in my mind. He didn't appear to recognize me. Good.

"Are you going to open the sack or not?" He asked, beginning to sound impatient.

In response, my hands placed themselves on both of his cheeks. He made a motion to swat them away with a sound of protest, but fell slack as my hands twisted, snapping his neck. I gently pushed him backwards, and he sprawled onto the floor, his gaze blank.

"Apologies. We decided to cancel your order." I replied, stepping over him and into his house. I shut the door behind me, then took a look around his abode. His living quarters were relatively small, tiny flakes of moss, oil and chemical stains coating almost every surface. The room would have fit in my closet back at the Institute. The bathroom and kitchen were in unspeakable condition. Unlike Viktor, who was always clean and orderly with his workshop, the now-deceased shopkeeper had carelessly strewn his works around the house. There were a few items of intrigue among the cluttered stacks, but their quality looked a little too decent to be made by his hands. Stolen, most likely.

Aha! Bingo!

The fool had appeared to have sold off most of my armor, but a golden gleam to my left alerted me to one last shoulder plate, a glimmering jewel amidst the piles of trash. I snatched it from its resting spot, then shook it humorously at the corpse near the door.

"Do you mind if I take these?" I gestured to the plate, along with the parts I'd noted. I snorted. "What am I saying? 'Course you don't."

I began placing the parts in the sack, then slipped the shoulder plate within the folds of my cloak. Heaving the sack over my shoulder, I made one last glance at my victim.

"A pleasure doing business with you." I said, slipping out the door.

* * *

I'd taken a wrong turn somewhere. I was sure of it.

 _This damned gas._ I thought bitterly, staggering through the assumedly toxic fog, if the pale green color was anything to go by. My apparatus prevented the toxins from being inhaled, and Viktor had given me a pair of goggles to keep it from entering my eyes, but it was relentless, gradually stinging whatever skin was exposed to the air.

I had intended to make a few more stops before returning to Viktor, but I'd forgotten to take a cable car. It was easy to get lost when wandering through Zaun, as sudden chemtech failures and chemical spills could make whole sections of the city unrecognizable.

There was some relief to be found within the noxious gas, as since it prevented any visibility extending over a meter, no one would be able to see me from afar. Of course, it was toxic gas, so in reality it was trading one death for another. Charming.

I walked down the alleyway as quietly as possible, praying that the soft clicks of my implants couldn't be heard. I silently weaved my way around various litter, attempting to avoid scaring the rats.

The gas began to grow thicker as I pressed on, creating near-solid walls of toxicity that blocked individual pathways. I had a sinking suspicion that I _wouldn't_ be able to survive _those_ particular clouds, so I allowed the small passageway to take me where it wanted.

As far as I could tell, I was the only occupant of the streets at this hour, whatever hour it was. I supposed that made me the only one there with a lack of common sense. It hardly mattered. I had survived worse than this. That didn't mean I would survive just because it was a lesser death, but the thought comforted me, to some extent.

 ** _TONG!_**

I cursed rapidly as my foot slipped, the heel kicking against the side of a random pipe jutting out of the wall.

"What was that?" A voice through the fog said. There was a soft multitude of hisses as chemtech weapons were primed, revealing their green glow through the fog. There were six in total, and all of them were armed. Fortunately, I had a slight advantage. Their weapons were connected to harnesses they wore, glowing green tubes diving in and out while highlighting their bodies. The chemicals running through _me_ weren't combustible, which meant they didn't glow.

However, they would find me quickly, if I didn't move. With no other options, I chose _up_ as the viable direction, clambering up the side of a pipe as quietly as I could. The implants made it awkward, not to mention that I could hardly see where I was going. Of all the times for it to be cloudy in Piltover...

I crawled onto a slanted roof, creeping up the roughly cut shingles to peer down at the thugs. Four male, two female, if their body shapes were anything to go by. They were all effectively shielded from the gas, as I was, wearing face masks to protect themselves.

" _I suggest you take them out quickly and quietly._ " Viktor's voice nearly scared me out of my implants.

I didn't reply, fearful of alerting my soon-to-be victims.

" _They can't hear you._ " Viktor replied. " _Your apparatus has the ability to muffle your voice when need be. I also installed a comm system to keep in touch._ "

" _Why are you only telling me this_ _now?_ " I hissed out a whisper. I wasn't taking any chances. " _It would've been helpful to get directions!_ "

" _I assumed you wouldn't require them when you began, based on your origin._ " He said. " _It would appear I made a rare miscalculation._ "

"Guess so." I replied.

" _Did killing the man who nearly drowned you satisfy your anger, or do you need more?_ " He asked.

" _You saw that?_ " I said.

" _Your goggles also have a built-in camera. I left them on the entire time, along with your apparatus, which allows me to hear what you hear. I knew your assailant was one of my clients when you described him. And despite my being mostly machine, I know the snap of bone when I hear it._ "

I sighed. " _That's awfully cold._ "

" _Says the man who killed him in the first place._ " He replied.

Fair point. " _Who are these guys?_ " I asked. " _I know that the Chem-Barons aren't particularly subtle when it comes to getting what they want._ "

" _Where you are now isn't Chem-Baron territory._ " Viktor replied.

" _What are you talking about?_ " That couldn't be right. " _Everywhere in Zaun is Chem-Baron territory!_ "

" _It used to be. Then Baron Voss was murdered._ "

"What?!" I raised my voice back to its normal level. "Who'd be dumb enough to do that?!" Killing a Chem-Baron is _strictly_ a no-no. They all bear a loose alliance, and if one's killed, the others see it as a declaration of war. That never ends well for Zaun's residents.

" _You're approximately one mile away from one of the underground entrances to the Dredge._ " Viktor replied.

"What's the Dredge?" I asked.

There was silence on Viktor's end for a few seconds. " _Perhaps our worlds are not as similar as we thought._ " He finally said. " _I will explain further once you return. In the meantime, I suggest you ask your new_ friends _for an introduction._ " The comms cut off, and I heard no more from the Machine Herald.

 _Okay..._ I thought, analyzing the situation. _How do we want to go about doing this?_

There was a narrow pipeline down a meter below me, going over the thugs' heads and across to the other side. A plan of attack began forming in my head, and I grinned in dark excitement.

 _Better not disappoint me, kit._ Nidalee's voice echoed. _You've done that enough already._

 _Shut - up._ I retaliated, setting the parts down on the roof. I wouldn't be needing them, and Viktor could always make more.

I slunk down to the pipeline, going across it on all fours while pressing myself to the surface, as my teacher's instructions had dictated. I then scaled down the tangle of metal rigging to the street, right behind one of my female targets. These implants were surprisingly flexible. I'd have to ask Viktor if any modifications could be made later.

I spotted a knife sheathed around her thigh, right below one of the harness's non-luminescent tubes, which connected to her mask. That would work.

Slinking right up to her, I gingerly slid the knife from its sheath, careful not to make any sound. I then lightly poked a sliver in the tube, watching with satisfaction as oxygen began to leak.

I snuck to the side as all six thugs slowly began to edge toward the alley, moving away from the main road. As I hid in the fog outside their field of vision, my victim began displaying symptoms of my ambush right on cue. She clutched at her throat as her mask failed her, and she pried it away from her face, which was her first and last mistake. The toxins immediately took effect, burning her face and entering her lungs. She let out a muffled scream, then fell into a bloodied fit of coughing, sucking in one last breath of contaminated air before falling limp to the ground.

" _Damn it!_ " One of the male thugs said, and the group immediately dashed over to their fallen comrade. "Not you!" Their presumed leader pointed to one of the others. "You stay back and keep watch!" Excellent.

The thug nodded, and turned his back to the alley, sweeping his gun in front of him in a one hundred eighty degree range.

Clutching my newly acquired knife, I crept around his legs (the gas was just _that_ thick) and stood, weighing my options. But before I did, I decided to at least listen in on their conversation.

"This wasn't supposed to happen." The other female thug said. "We were chosen. We are strong." Clearly. Even the female had rippling muscles showing through her bodysuit. I doubt they needed chemtech weapons - they most likely used brute force and intimidation on the weaker Zaunites.

"Even the Dredge can't prepare us for everything." The leader replied. "Our commander gave us one test, but that doesn't mean we won't receive others." He gestured to the body. "We survived. She didn't."

I was already bored. I covered my next victim's mouth with one hand, then cut through his thick (or not) bodysuit and slit his throat. I silently lowered him to the floor, then moved on, stalking my prey. It had been far too long since I'd gotten to vent my rage on anything or anyone that deserved it. They would do nicely.

One of the other Zaunites noticed my latest kill just as I vanished back into the dark green mist. He gave a shout of warning, and the four blindly fired their weapons above their comrade's corpse, melting through pipes and anything in their range.

"Form a circle!" Their leader ordered. "Cover all angles!" They placed themselves back-to-back, consistently rotating and changing positions. They were smart, for common hired guns. Covering all their bases, too. But I only needed a split second to seize an opening. And picking up a single piece of scrap metal laying on the road, I was presented with that opening.

I tossed it over their heads, and the cog made a small _tink_ as it ricocheted off the cobblestone. The reaction was instantaneous. All four opened fire, spraying ceaselessly at nothing in particular. As soon as they were distracted, I lunged for the man at the back, wrapping my arm around his throat and cutting off his air supply, while I silently dragged him out of view. My knife flashed in my hand, and I repeatedly stabbed into his chest, his neck, his face, his heart, over and over and over again. I let out my pent up frustration into my prey, picturing Selene in the same position as I tore the man apart. I was just warming up. For Selene, I would do _so much more._ I would bring her to the brink of death, and then I would let her live, until I'd broken her as she had broken me.

There were no screams - just blood. Staining my knife, staining my mask, staining my hands, which were already tainted. It felt _good._

"It's the Howler, isn't it?" One thug said. "Only one thing in Zaun could move so fast and be so cunning. I can smell the blood of our comrades in the air. The Howler has an addiction to it. Feeds on it. Smells it on our hands."

"It might be." Their leader remained skeptical. "Howler or not, we have orders. We survive, by whatever means necessary. If it _is_ the Howler, we outnumber it three to one, and it's lost the element of surprise."

There that name was again. The Howler. I hadn't given it much thought when the shopkeeper mocked me, but now I recalled the meaning behind it. As I'd traveled around Zaun, I'd heard whispers of a beast that lurked in the dark, hunting when its hunger needed to be sated. I never heard facts, only stories. The only thing people could agree on was the trail of bodies it left in its wake.

 _Shink!_

In my brief moment of distraction, I had gotten sloppy with my technique, and my blade slipped against the metal of the harness he wore, creating the faintest audible sound, followed by a small spark.

 _Shit._

The remaining three turned around, and this time they saw me clearly. " _I see him!_ " Their leader shouted. " _Open fire!_ "

I lunged to the side as their weapons' barrels sung, blasting out round after round of acidic ammo. The light generated kept me visible as I evaded their attack as best as I could, restricted by my implants in my mobility.

A round grazed my shoulder, and the pain briefly dulled my senses, causing me to slip.

There was a _snap_ and the sound of metal pulling apart as a brace on my right leg came loose, spraying chemicals all over the pavement. Pain flared in my thigh, and I clumsily rolled to a stop. My left leg's implant bent and twisted, unable to cope with the impact. In effect, I was paralyzed from the waist down.

" _I got him!_ " One shouted. " _Finish him off!_ "

I propped myself up on my hands, gripping my knife in one fist, prepared to kill them crippled if need be-

My body spasmed, convulsing and twitching furiously.

Pain.

There was nothing but a maelstrom of pain.

I momentarily blacked out, as I lost all sense of feeling except for the white-hot fire that blossomed in my chest. I threw myself all over the ground, clawing at the surface like an animal while screaming like a wounded one.

The shard was glowing brighter now, pulsing faster. With each flash of light, lightning bolts tore through my nerves, and the pain only grew as I felt the scabs that hadn't yet healed rip apart.

My attackers backed away, frightened by my sudden outburst. To them, I must've looked like the Howler, encased in darkness and thrashing wildly. This wouldn't occur to me until later. All I wanted was for the pain to stop, or for _me_ to stop, for my heart to give out, just so that I wouldn't have to endure this-

A blow to my side rocked me out of my trance, only to replace it with greater trauma than before. More followed from all sides, and through the onslaught I could glimpse the thugs kicking me all at once. Each strike left a fresh bruise, with a reopened scab to go with it.

I would never escape this cold hell. Selene had punished me for my ignorance. Now these idiots were punishing me for my negligence.

The blows stopped, but the spasms didn't, and I was left as a spectacle for my would-be victims. "Wait..." The female thug trailed off. " _This_ is the Howler?"

"Can't be. The Howler's supposed to be bigger." Her companion replied. "Right?"

The leader chuckled. "It would appear that we've gotten lucky today." He crouched down, wrenching my face towards him with his hand. "All of those bodies. All that blood. All that death."

"And look at you. The Howler's just a man. I used to fear you before the Dredge, when I heard stories. Now? Not so mu-"

 _ **HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!**_

The pain stopped, as fear shot through my veins like ice, making my blood run cold (whatever was left, anyways).

It was uncontrollable and fierce, resisting all sense of logic and reason and locking my limbs in place. I didn't understand what was making me react this way, but I couldn't stop myself from shivering with terror, panic washing over me in torrents.

The thugs instantly forgot me, jolting straight up. They formed a circle once more, pointing their guns upward, where the bone-chilling cry had come from. Their voices shook as they mumbled inaudibly - they were just as terrified as I was.

"Who's there?" The ringleader said. " _Come out and fight!_ "

... _rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..._

A dense, thick growling resounded in response, the air itself rumbling with the vibrations. It came from everywhere, bouncing off the walls and pipes.

"I- I'm not kidding around!" He shouted. "I _will_ shoot if you don't!"

 _THUD._

A dark silhouette dropped into the loose ring created by the three of them. They scrambled away, turning back around to train their weapons on it through the fog. It...glowed, the same shade of lime as chemtech weaponry. It was also gigantic, standing at seven feet tall fully upright.

For a moment, it did nothing, and there was only silence to accompany the waves of terror that it radiated.

Then, there was a shrill whine of machinery, and the lime green turned to a fierce orange, raging like fire. The shadow shuddered and twitch, hunching down to all fours.

It opened its eyes, and they were the color of _rage_ \- a hellish red that scorched whatever it touched, promising nothing but torment and hate.

 _ **HRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!**_

It howled again, and then there was nothing but death.

* * *

 _ **Here he cooooooooooooooomes...**_


	47. Big Game Hunting (Kinda)

_**Alrighty, we're back, and not only that, but we're back on our regular schedule. I will be doing my very best to update every week once again, because now that we've kicked into high gear, I'm anxious to get all these ideas out where you can see them. Er...right. Listen. Remember when I said that I was thinking about doing an Overwatch x League of Legends crossover after this fic? Well...I might have to postpone that idea. I actually came up with a few new ideas during the summer, and I think you'd enjoy them. One involves the Star Guardian skins, and includes the five new ones for Ahri, Ezreal, MF, Syndra and Soraka. The other is a bit of a gamble. It's an origin story for Demacia, and explains how it came to be the way it is now. It also makes connections between champions that've been around for centuries, and their involvement with the story. The main characters are all OCs, so you might be reluctant to read it at first. But if you're willing to trust me and take a chance, I think you would enjoy it. Now, enough of my babbling. Let's focus on the here and now, shall we?**_

* * *

The worst part of fear is that it almost always leads to irrationality.

There are some who can fight of their terror, who can think logically even when everything's falling apart around them. This is the remarkable phenomenon of courage, which in my opinion is a far more significant thing than bravery itself. Being brave can make you overconfident. It can get you killed. But courage doesn't have that weakness. A little bit of fear is healthy. It makes you pause to consider what you're doing, what your next move should be. It keeps you from underestimating your opponent. It keeps you alive.

But fear is a powerful and addictive drug. In small doses, it's harmless, even beneficial. In torrents, it's a cruel mistress, and a rather lethal one at that.

The strong embrace fear. They use it to control the weak, as it's an effective weapon. Then they forget what it's like to be afraid - when they stop being feared, then they become weak. The weak are shackled by fear. It controls them, and they forget what it's like to go _without_ fear. They become willing to do anything to preserve their survival, and a coward will almost always turn into a rat. They act selfishly, and only reap what they sow when enough people have had it with their betrayals.

Fear makes the strong weak and the weak weaker. But in both cases, they share a common similarity:

Their immediate response to fear was to abandon all idea of rational thought, as if it would only hinder them in their plight.

You may be wondering why I'm telling you this. Or maybe you already understand what this has to do with the situation at hand.

Regardless, fear proved to once again dull the minds of those affected.

Because despite the obvious futility of such an action, despite the clear dominance of the beastthat had suddenly emerged from the shadows of the Grey, one of the surviving trio decided that the best immediate course of action was to shoot.

At first, it looked like a lucky shot. The Howler received a splash of acid directly on the right side of its face.

And then...

Nothing.

The only indicator that the chemtech projectile had done anything at all was a slight jerk of the beast's head to the left. The flesh sizzled and hissed, but only for a few seconds, before whatever kind of advanced healing the Howler possessed began eliminating the threat to its body.

The thug who'd attacked it began to shake even harder, unable to even keep his finger secure around the trigger. The Howler was only looking at _him_ now, temporarily uninterested in his companions, silhouetted in its fiery orange glow.

There was a split second of grim certainty in the air. Everyone understood that there was only one outcome.

 _Death._

"I'm sor-"

It pounced.

There was only a blur and a flash of orange light as the thug was slammed into a wall, right behind where I lay. I was rendered immobile, and thus had no way of spectating the unfolding slaughter. Nor did I have any wish to see.

The only thing I heard was blood, death and _screaming._ There's no real way for me to properly illustrate the brief, yet _unbearable_ pain I heard in that man's voice. Whatever I convey won't do it justice.

So I will ask you to imagine it.

Imagine the most torturous, terrified, agonizing _shriek_ that any man could ever muster. Imagine that it's so loud that the windows on the buildings begin to _shudder_ with the volume, forcing goosebumps and ice down your spine. Now imagine that it's only for a few seconds, and accompanied by the sounds of flesh ripped from bone, and the sickening liquid _splurch_ that comes with the splash of blood. It coated the walls to where I could see, bits and pieces of flesh and organ mixed in.

I'd done a lot of nasty things to people during my time on Runeterra, but this man was being _destroyed,_ torn apart to the point where there was not even an identifiable limb remaining. The chemicals pumping through my veins were already causing my wounds to clot, so I was certain that the blood that now coated me wasn't my own when the screaming stopped.

There was a burst of green fire as the other two attempted to defend themselves. They both missed, and the Howler twisted around to snarl at them with its hackles raised. It soared through the air towards them, landing on the last female Zaunite and pinning her to the ground. It buried its jaw into her neck right before my eyes, ripping out a bite of her flesh. Its claws raked through whatever was left, consuming and feasting on its prey. The last remaining thug finally decided to do the logical thing, throwing down his weapon and fleeing from the site through an alley.

The Howler's ears ticked, and its face snapped upwards to observe its surviving target. It then bounded through the alleyway after him, disappearing into the smoke. Screams soon followed, and the filthy green smog was briefly tainted red.

The creature's brief disappearance gave me the motivation to snap out of my rigid terror. My hands scrambled to where the implants on my legs had broken, desperately trying to find areas where they could be temporarily meshed back together. I needed to be able to _run,_ to get away from that _thing,_ just so that I would _li_ -

 _... **rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr**..._

 _Oh, no._

 _No, no, **no.**_

A hand tipped with gleaming metal claws curled around the alley's corner, followed by a sinister orange light. Crimson beams of rage cut through the fog, swiveling to place themselves on me.

"No." I stammered, scrabbling away on both hands.

It dropped to all fours, slowly stalking towards me as it continued to growl.

" _Please!_ " I begged. "I'm not one of _them!_ "

My cries went unheard. Its nostrils flared at the scent of my blood, pulling its teeth back farther in a snarl.

It moved closer... _closer_...until it was within striking distance.

" _Have mercy on me._ " I pleaded one more time. " _Please._ "

It bent lower to the ground, hackles raised.

It lunged.

I opened my mouth to scream, one last exclamation of fear before I was ripped to pieces.

But then, in that split second between its leap and my demise, the Howler's face fully came into the light of a nearby street lamp for the briefest of instances.

Recognition instantly raced through my mind, and instead of a cry of terror, all that came out was-

" _Warwick?_ "

...

Silence followed.

I'd closed my eyes just after speaking, twisting my face away from the beast that I knew and hated in another life. I slowly opened them as it became apparent that I was _not_ dead, but very much alive. Warwick had suddenly jerked his claws out of the way, landing on all fours. He (I assumed he was still a he, at least) hunched over on his hind legs, clawing at his face and backing away from me. The light on his back began to flicker, rapidly transitioning between orange and green.

I hesitantly propped myself up on one shoulder, looking at him with concern despite almost dying. "Are you-"

Warwick was suddenly right in front of me, howling into my face. It sent my fear careening back into my nervous system, the volume enough to crack the lenses of my goggles.

And then, in a flash, he was gone, climbing up onto the rooftops and vanishing into the Grey, his light continuing to flicker until it vanished.

For a moment, I was frozen in place, reeling.

It was him.

That son of a bitch was _here._

And yet...

I collapsed, letting my head fall slack onto the street. I craned it up to try and look at the bodies of his victims, which stained nearly half the block red.

Of all the people he could've killed...why _them?_

* * *

"Something doesn't add up." I said, crouching down to examine a corpse.

It'd been a few days since my encounter with Warwick, and Viktor had made modifications to my implants, and they had _finally_ stopped feeling so awkward. The new ones, albeit still bearing chem-tubes and a harness for my chest, were thicker and sleeker, and had been built with combat taken into consideration. I wouldn't be staring down armies anytime soon, but at the very least I wouldn't be rendered completely helpless.

"If I had the capability, I would be surprised that you could make such a distinction between your Warwick and the Warwick of _this_ world." Viktor replied, standing beside me as he regarded the body with interest.

"Well, for one thing, this Warwick has a gigantic chemtech chamber on his back." I looked back up at him in a deadpan. "I think I would've noticed that with _my_ Warwick."

"That isn't what you were referring to, however." Viktor replied. "What is it about the corpses that makes you wonder?"

"Right now? I can't say for sure." I said, shaking my head. "It's just...something feels... _odd._ "

"Perhaps it's the fact that Zaun is currently plagued by a wolf-man stalking around in the dark." He replied.

"Was that a _joke?_ " I asked.

"A small attempt at one." He said. "I'm not as proficient at it as I once was, and even then I was never one for humorous antics."

"Word of advice from a retired professional: stop trying." I replied. "Please."

Viktor grunted with mild annoyance, but didn't go any farther than that. Part of me was curious as to how far I could push him before he snapped, but my more logical side decided against it. I still remembered that hydra that the old Viktor had created during the invasion of Demacia City. I didn't want to invoke that lethal creativity when I was so weak.

"How many others has he killed?" I asked, getting back to the matter at hand.

"There's no official count." Viktor replied. "But in the six months that the Howler's been active, there's been an estimation of over eight dozen casualties." He gestured to the corpses around us. "Adding his latest victims, of course."

" _Gods._ " Horror began to mount in my mind as I looked over the bodies. " _Eight_ _dozen?_ And they were _all_ like this?" Despite _my_ Warwick's all-consuming bloodlust, he'd _never_ racked up a kill count that high. Most of his targets after his transformation had been animals. Whatever reason Warwick was the way he was in _this_ world, he preferred much larger prey.

"Some worse than others, but yes." He confirmed. "Wolves aren't particularly known for being picky eaters."

I clenched both fists, feeling the metal parts attached to my fingers grate against one another.

"Who's he killed?" I asked. "He's feasted on a lot of people, but is there any preference he has for who dies? My Warwick always went for the most valuable specimens he could find. There might be a similar pattern with this one."

"That's a difficult question to answer." Viktor replied, tilting his head upwards in thought. "As far as early accounts go, his attacks have been random. They range from sump-scrappers to merchants, with no clear connection between them. At some point, however, the accounts stopped coming. Warwick must have gotten smarter during that period. The bodies he leaves behind are damaged to the point where they can't be identified."

"Clearly." I stood, moving over to examine another corpse. "Warwick took a bite out of this one's neck." I gently nudged the woman's body with a boot. "It seemed like..." I huffed, trying to figure out a way to explain this. "It felt like he was going out of his way to tear every single one of them apart. Even for someone that's more animal than man, this is excessive." Take Rengar, for instance. When he's not hunting for food or supplies, he's hunting for sport. And even though he gets gritty when doing so, he doesn't go _completely_ nuts.

A speck of green caught my eye, and I bent down to get a closer look. I pulled on a glove from my pocket, but I could only barely insert my fingers into the holes. It would've been helpful if Viktor could've altered the glove to fit my implants, but then again, he specializes in robots and chemicals, not sewing. How inconvenient.

I dipped one finger into the sickly green substance and brought it back up, and after confirming that it wasn't going to melt my hand, held it up to the dim light in front of my face. "Weird. There's some kind of chemical mixed in with the bite wound."

"Hm?" Viktor put his own finger in to observe it himself. "Interesting. It appears to be mixed with his saliva." His tone was tinged with mild disapproval.

I raised an eyebrow. "You seem to have a problem with that."

"When chemical augmentations are implanted within the human body correctly, the compounds mix directly with the bloodstream, and only operate within the bloodstream." Viktor explained. "Toxins shouldn't be excreting from any of the body's pores afterwards." Viktor hummed again, looking up at the other victims. "I'm beginning to suspect that Warwick may have suffered rather poor maintenance." He turned back to look at me. "You mentioned a chemtech chamber on his back?"

"Yeah. It glowed orange for most of the fight. Why?" I asked.

"Were you by any chance _bleeding_ when you encountered him?" He asked in return.

I slowly began to put two and two together. "You think it has something to do with his augmentations?"

"I think it may have _everything_ to do with them." He replied, rubbing the sticky green substance in between his finger and thumb. "It's just a theory at its current stage, but I can test and confirm it with the proper evidence." The cyborg admired the goop on his hand for a few seconds longer before plucking a few vials from his belt (because he apparently likes to be prepared for that kinda thing), squatting down to acquire samples. "Help me get these filled up. We need to acquire everything of value before we plan our next move."

"I'd say our next move is relatively obvious, considering." I gestured to the carnage around us.

He gave me a blank stare, which I supposed was his less emotional version of a deadpan. " _Clearly_ we have to prevent him from killing, but we have to determine _who_ and _why._ You've killed a substantial amount of people during your time as a human, no? And can you honestly say that you've done anything wrong in that regard?"

I huffed. That wasn't exactly a fair analogy. I'd been a bit messy myself when wading through hordes of my enemies, but I'd never been _this_ graphic. Not to mention that my kills hadn't been _random,_ either. Still, I could see Viktor's point. At the very least I could be certain that I was right.

So, only begrudgingly, I did as he asked, picking out the bits of green that stuck out amongst the gigantic red stains. Once I'd collected all that I could, I handed the vials back to Viktor, who tucked them back into his belt.

"I'll need to run these samples back at the laboratory for analysis." He said. "They could potentially prove to be useful, if they're capable of creating such a large amount of anergy within an organic being. They might even help you return home."

Now I was interested. But there was still something that he hadn't covered yet. "And what exactly am _I_ supposed to do in the meantime? Run another errand?"

"If you're up for it." He replied. "It would help if we could pinpoint the locations of each of his dens. I may be able to draw a pattern based on where each of them is."

" _Oh,_ no." I slightly tilted my head back while shaking it. "I am _not_ putting myself in a near-death experience like that again for at _least_ a few days." You might be wondering why I was getting cold feet _now_ of all times, but for once, I just wanted to work from behind the scenes, and not risk getting myself killed again. It was getting to be a bit too much of an occupational hazard for my tastes. " _You_ can go look around for his dens. _I'll_ analyze the samples."

"You're capable of isolating and identifying chemical compounds?" Viktor asked.

"I'm a former star." I reminded him. "I didn't create the planet by just _wanting_ it to happen. I had to learn how to shape matter together over billions of years. I think you'll find that I can hold my own when it comes to chemistry and biology."

Viktor hummed. He had a habit of doing that when presented with anything of interest, or when taking something into consideration. He must've not had any better responses to offer, given that he was seventy-five percent robot.

"Alright." He handed me the vials, which I carefully stowed within the folds of my cloak. "I wouldn't normally trust anyone with my equipment, but just this once, I'll make an exception."

"I'll try to keep everything in one piece." I promised, somewhat half-heartedly.

I sighed. "Time to go wolf hunting, then."

This was a rather bizarre turn of events.

Just a typical day for yours truly.

* * *

I probably should've refused to promise Viktor that I would keep his equipment in stable condition.

It wasn't that I hadn't had experience with similar machines in the past. Ellis and I had used several unique variants to construct Sona's vocal chords in the months prior to Snowdown. But Ellis is from Piltover. Zaunite technology, despite being nothing more than a cheap knock-off, is somehow something else entirely. There was also the matter of the equipment being designed to account for Viktor's mechanical parts, so if I wanted to heat something up, I had to spontaneously grow a third arm on my shoulder. A small part of me suspected that Viktor had neglected to mention that on purpose, as payback for making _him_ be the one to risk his neck for once. It would be fun to see how he handled it. And I hadn't had a bit of fun in a while, so I was looking forward to it.

Eventually, I figured out a way to make the tech work, and eventually began the procedure to analyze Warwick's contaminated saliva. I'd gone from practically ruling the world to squinting at dog spit. Life was weird like that.

And what I found in the compounds were some very ethically questionable ones, to say the least. Most of them were illegal to possess (if one of Caitlyn's absolutely _fascinating_ rants about Piltovan and Zaunite law in the past served me correctly), and highly volatile if exposed to the right substance, namely open flame. What the _hell_ were they doing in Warwick's back?

( _No,_ Cait, I _don't_ enjoy your little speeches on how government works. I was there when people conceived the _idea_ of government, remember? *sigh* _Yes,_ I'm more into punching stuff. So what if I'm a _second Vi?_ The hell does that even mean? I couldn't copy Vi no matter how hard I tried.)

A lot of the compounds in the vials were capable of warping the temporal lobe and limbic system, which controlled reasoning skills and mood control respectively. It was mixed in with epinephrine (adrenaline), and of all the things that it could be mixed with, _nicotine._ You know, the stuff that's in tobacco? Highly addictive, and all that? Warwick had that stuff in his mouth twenty-four seven, by the looks of it. And that was only _one_ of the addictive chemicals within his system.

There were also dozens of other compounds in there too, and by the time I'd finished with them (which took me the rest of the day, until nightfall - gods, I was starving by then), I'd discovered that they were all commonly found in blood. This entire mixture was designed to muddle the brain and incite raw fury at the smallest _whiff_ of blood, and I couldn't fathom for the life of me why _anyone_ would want that, especially Warwick. He _hated_ being so mentally unstable as a beast on my world. This Warwick had taken it one step further, feeding himself Goofy Juice daily. And don't even get me _started_ on the chemicals that incited _physical_ reactions. Some of the materials were designed to grow and expand bone marrow, as well as produce keratin in the form of claws. There was also stuff for extending teeth into fangs, while growing...hair?

I was still appalled by Warwick's brutal killing spree (except for the thugs who'd had it coming - it was mostly just recovering from the shock of seeing them like that), but now I was starting to worry. I was actually worried for _Warwick,_ of all people. If all the stuff I was seeing was legitimately correct, Warwick had an _extremely_ reckless and volatile mixture pumping through his veins. The only person I could possibly think of who'd try something like this was Singed, and my train of thought slowly began to see this as a logical conclusion. It wasn't the first time the mad chemist had done something like this. He'd been the one to give Warwick his transformative serum on my world, after all. But I couldn't help but find Warwick's current augmentations more than a little excessive. My Warwick was a hunter. This one was a slaughterhouse.

I slumped back in my chair, massaging my temples. This was getting far too complicated, far too fast. I wanted to get revenge, but at the same time I felt like I was missing something important. Now I was wishing that I _had_ gone out, just so that I wouldn't have to deal with this information. Blech. I missed when things were easy for me.

The door slammed open, and I swiveled in my chair to see Viktor standing in the doorway, drenched with acid rain. His armor protected him from most of it, but it still steamed off the metal surface, which created in me a small amount of discomfort. Viktor himself looked as agitated as he could be in that situation, tromping over to sit himself down beside me.

"You look ever-so-slightly miserable." I commented.

"The result of a wasted journey." He replied.

"You didn't find the dens?" I asked.

"Oh, I did." He replied. "But the dens themselves offered no clear pattern to Warwick's movements. He simply relocates to wherever he won't be found, and only very rarely are the locations hidden cleverly."

"So, what? You've got nothing?" I said.

"As of right now, no." He grunted with a slight amount of displeasure. "I may end up having to use my so-called _cult_ as a means to an end."

I chuckled. "That'll be fun to see. The Glorious Evolved are going to go _nuts_ when they get to meet their messiah in the...uh...flesh?" Did that saying even apply to Viktor anymore?

"I can't say I'm looking forward to it." Viktor replied. "It'll be a miracle if I manage to get a single word in before they're heaping praise upon me."

"To be fair, you've done plenty of good work for Zaun." I reminded him. "It's not like their gratitude isn't unfounded."

"True enough, but I've never been fond of the spotlight, and I detest being treated as a sovereign figure even more." He said. "But if I must...so be it."

"Just try not to stall too much while you ask around." I said. "I've been in Zaun long enough - it's time for me to head home."

"I'll see what I can do, but don't get your hopes up." He replied. "Now, what've we discovered about our canine acquaintance?"

"Nothing that makes me feel even _remotely_ comfortable with what we're dealing with." I answered, gesturing to his machine. "I checked the chemical compounds in his bloodstream and...you really just have to see for yourself."

Viktor took a seat as I moved over to give him room, barely looking at the monitors for five seconds before freezing up. "Are you absolutely certain that these readings are correct?"

"What is this, Star Trek? Yeah, I'm sure." I drawled. "And now I'm starting to think you were right when you said we should wait to get all the information."

He brought his hands to the desk, and that's when I started to notice something...odd. Viktor was _shaking,_ and his hands were gripping the wooden surface so hard that his fingers were leaving imprints in the bark. "Uh...Viktor?" I asked warily. "You okay?"

"No." Viktor said, glaring at the monitors with... _contempt._

"Even before I transformed myself into the half-machine you see now, I had made it my life's work to improve humanity through augmentation." He continued. "I still believe that through cybernetics, we can become something greater than ourselves, and be rid of the fear and doubt that has plagued this world for so long. People think I am trying to play the part of a god, but as you know, I only want to help humanity improve."

"But _this..._ " He leveled a finger at the screen. "This causes nothing but _pain._ It is an absolute _mockery_ of all I have ever worked for, and I will _not_ idly stand by while a man suffers from his own derangement."

It was probably time for me to start feeling inspired, but frankly I just didn't have the energy for it. "Well, you have fun with that." I lightly patted him on the shoulder, standing up and stretching out with a yawn. "In the meantime, I'm going to grab a bite and hit the hay while you pull an all-nighter. Looking at this kinda stuff for five hours nonstop is exhausting, and I'm supposed to be resting." I winced as I felt a few bones in my spine pop, then relaxed when I felt them shift back into their proper place.

I wasn't really looking forward to getting myself cleaned up after leaving Viktor to his work and fanclub. He doesn't have a shower, for one thing. What would he use it for? He doesn't get his skin dirty anymore. Instead, he has one giant nozzle in the bathroom that's been bolted into the ceiling. It basically spurts out a cloud of colorless chemical vapor that disinfects his armor. It was good for any kind of surface, including skin, which was unfortunate for me.

So, after feasting on a slab of meat that was barely big enough to satisfy me, I took the next half hour to strip down in the bathroom. Viktor doesn't have much in the way of internal heating either, which made me hate my weakness even more. _Gods,_ I was pathetic. Sometimes I felt like I just wanted to curl up into a ball and act like it was all a dream. Instead, I only got a nightmare.

I tightly closed my eyes and mouth, then clenched one hand over my nose as I fumbled for the switch on the wall. I managed to flip it, and was graced with an ice-cold jet of grime-dissolving gas. I let it run for five seconds before switching it off, then took a brush off a hanger on the door and began to scrub myself. Once I was done, I wiped it all off with a stained towel, then spent five minutes putting my underwear and undershirt back on. Depending on how the weather decided to fluctuate, it would either be boiling hot or freezing cold tonight. Zaun really was a special kind of hell.

I opened the door to the bedroom I'd first woken up in, gently easing myself onto the bed, which was little better than a cot. Once I'd gotten myself reasonably comfortable, I flung the covers over myself, laying on my back with my head supported by my arms. I quietly listened to the faint nighttime hustle that occurred in the city, and lay motionless for several hours as I looked out the window.

I chuckled somewhat bitterly to myself.

For better or for worse, my life was never boring.

* * *

Unbelievable.

 _Un. Believable._

Did I always have to do _everything_ myself?

As you can probably tell, I wasn't happy.

Mostly because Viktor was an incompetent sod who was incapable of getting me the information I needed.

...Okay, that's probably not fair. Viktor was trying his best, and I respected that. But when his acolytes were no help at all, I couldn't help but get a little pissed - and I was impatient enough as it was already.

The Glorious Evolved, despite having good intentions, aren't all that smart. They're not scientists like he is. They might be enthusiastic about machinery, but they have no real comprehension of its complexities and capabilities. They're just desperate for something to believe in. Now, in a city like Zaun, that's understandable, but could they at least afford to be a hindrance _after_ I'd found my way home?

Viktor hadn't been able to find a single reliable lead.

Not one.

He had the worst. Cult. _Ever._

The Solari were _way_ better than whoever his technological miracles had inspired.

...

...

...

 _Aaaaaand_ there's the painful memories. Nothing like a little kick to my self-esteem to start the day.

So here I was, trudging through the streets, looking for absolutely nothing in particular.

I sighed, pulling my cloak tighter around myself to try and keep out the early morning chill. What was I even _doing_ , trying to find Warwick? What exactly was I trying to accomplish? I didn't even know anymore. This was more Viktor's obsession than mine, anyways. Damn him and his dedication to improving humanity. As far as I was concerned, this city wasn't ever going to get any better. I had enough problems to care about. This one could go to hell.

The one reason why I hadn't completely given up and gone up to Piltover in an attempt to scrounge parts for myself were the bodies. They were unnerving me in more ways than one. I felt like there was something familiar about the way they'd died...something I knew all too well, and had still forgotten.

It was this feeling that allowed me to persist, despite the whole thing being pointless. I'd asked around as much as I could, but there was rarely anyone who was willing to openly discuss the Howler.

"I should just accept the fact that I'm never going to get out of here." I grumbled to myself. "It's not like the answer's just going to drop out of the sky like a leaf on the wi-"

I froze as a lightbulb went off in my head.

 _Oh._

I hadn't considered that.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, cursing myself. I was _such_ an idiot. With little time to waste, I turned back on my heel and raced down the cobblestone roads, as fast as my feet could take me.

One hour later, I was racing down into one of Zaun's major ports, waving down one of the ships that was just coming in to dock.

"Excuse me - do you have a shrine I can use?" I asked one of the sailors, who was carrying a supply crate down. Zaunite sailors are almost indistinguishable from regular citizens. Their clothing's just stained with a bit more saltwater, and they're just a _tad_ bit more polite.

He wrinkled his face at me in confusion. "What?"

I rolled my eyes. " _Do - you - have - a - shrine?_ " I asked. "I need to make a prayer." I feigned nervousness, looking down at my feet. "I, um...have an uncle who's out on the open sea right now. I'd like to make sure he gets home okay."

His expression softened. "It's near the prow. The captain's busy right now, so I doubt he'd mind if you used it. Just be quick, alright?"

"Thanks!" I ran past him and up the boarding plank, clumsily weaving around a few other sailors, also carrying supply crates. I may or may not have caused a few of them to drop their caches, which resulted in a severe amount of cursing pointed in my direction. Maybe they were just angry because their ship was a bunch of metal plates and chemtech scrapped together, I dunno. It really was an ugly ship. No effort put into it whatsoever.

The shrine was indeed near the prow, and it wasn't really anything to look at. Just a bunch of fishbones, rope and gods-knew-what else, all stacked in a ramshackle little pile that was only a foot tall.

I almost slid to a kneeling position in front of it, locking my hands together in a praying position.

And then...I did nothing.

My eyes remained glued to the deck, and I suddenly felt sick.

If this worked, I'd be having to stare a lot of my mistakes right in the face.

Was this even worth it? It was Warwick, after all, and even if he wasn't _my_ Warwick, he might've gotten what he deserved on this world.

 _Coward._ Leona sneered in my head. _And I'm supposed to be following_ you? _At least I never backed down in the face of danger. Are you just going to run? Again? No wonder I gave up the will to fight after you were humiliated. Why would I ever fight for someone who lacked a spine?_

My eyes narrowed.

Alright, Leo. _Fine._

The spirit in question had a name derived from an old Shuriman word. Azir (ouch, there were the memories again) had taught me a good portion of his language during my days as a champion (double ouch), and I could recall the words to an old prayer for protection and safe guidance that had been one of the first things I'd learned. He said it'd help me when I had no other options. At the time, I'd laughed him off. Now, it made way too much sense.

The word fluttered out of my mouth in whispers, almost trancelike as I begged for an audience with my guardian in the old Shuriman tongue.

The air around me began to pick up, swirling around my legs in a gentle breeze.

I detected a slight haze in the air, as the wind traveled farther up my body, wrapping around me like it was embracing me.

 _Come on._ I thought encouragingly. _I'm right here. Meet me face-to-face._

I looked up.

And there it was.

A small, tiny bird, with feathers the shade of the ocean. It sat on the masthead and regarded me curiously, tilting its head to one side.

It was already disheartening.

"Hello, Janna." I said, giving the bird a sad smile. "I need information. Mind helping me out?"

* * *

 _ **FINALLY! WRITER'S BLOCK OVERCOME!**_ _ **Mostly. I've figured out where I wanna go for the next few chapters. So, as you can probably figure out, Warwick and Helios are gonna chat. I am also going to be doing some other stuff. But who could've guessed, right? Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	48. I Have a Chat with an Old Friend

**_Once again everyone, we're back with a new chapter of everybody's favorite League of Legends fanfic! I know that isn't necessarily true, but this time excited because WE RECENTLY HIT ONE HUNDRED FAVORITES, BABY! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO! I finally achieved both my goals for this fic, which feels absolutely amazing. I somehow have 144 followers too, and I didn't even notice! I've said this plenty of times before over the course of this story, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you all for being so supportive. It's because of you that I've been as motivated and successful as I am now, and I can't help but continue to want to do my best. I owe it to ya. So, let's get down to what's happening this chapter, eh? As you probably guessed, Helios is finally going to be talking with Warwick face-to-face. You might find that they have more in common than you realize, but I'll just let you read on so that it can be properly explained. Now that I've said everything I needed to say, read on, dear readers. You da real MVPs._**

* * *

"You're sure this is the right place?" I asked, staring straight down into the darkness. "This seems a little crazy, even by _his_ standards."

The tiny blue bird on my shoulder trilled a series of chirps, using a vocal pattern that suggested she was wondering why I even bothered asking such a stupid question. Janna was a tad bit saltier on this world than she was on mine. I could've sworn that she even rolled her eyes, though I couldn't be sure, as she was a bird.

Despite that difference, not much was different about her. Still the same tranquil beauty, still the same wind powers, still the same _everything,_ almost. The only thing I had no clue about was whether she was a Star Guardian or not. I prayed to whatever gods who existed that she wasn't. She'd done enough.

Was I even the sun on this world? Was I even _sentient?_ Was _Selene_ even sentient? That was another thing I couldn't help but pray for. If I was just a big ball of gas and Selene just a big glowing rock, that'd be a nice change of pace. If Janna was an example of the _most_ gods interfered here, then maybe this Runeterra wasn't completely screwed over yet.

Warwick, it seemed, had deemed it appropriate to carve out his new territory in the remains of an old smelting pit, placed smack-dab in the middle of one of the scrapyards on the outskirts. This had previously been Chem-Baron territory, if Janna had told me correctly, but someone or some _thing_ had kicked down the door and proclaimed the area as theirs. The Chem-Baron (couldn't bother to recall the name) had apparently made it out alive, but that was as far as Janna knew. I was willing to bet money that he'd cut himself at _least_ once. He was a dead man if he had.

The scrapyard itself was nothing special. It had already been rusting away before Warwick had arrived, and now that it lacked proper maintenance it was in even worse condition. The twenty-meter walls surrounding the ovular compound were made of iron loaded with chemtech, and yet massive shards were peeling off around the entire circumference. Four watchtowers had once guarded the mechanical wealth within, but the chemtech turrets (oh yes, they have those) were now deactivated, stripped of the actual _chem_ and left as rotting husks. They weren't even good for parts. There had actually been massive gashes ripped into the machinery when I climbed over by using the metal peels as handholds. It looked like they'd been ripped apart, decimated by something with massive strength and fangs.

Of all the stupid, crazy and downright suicidal ideas I'd ever had, this was probably one of the worst.

Once you got past the walls, that was where the scrapyard found its few redeeming qualities. Scrap metal flooded the entire area, ranging from simple nuts and bults to steam golems, which looked like older models of Blitzcrank. I wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that, but hopefully I wouldn't be around long enough to suffer another brooding session. Guard platforms stood like islands in the sea of iron, connected by flimsy steel bridges that had snapped in half in some areas, on account of rusting. The only way to tell how scrap was carried in an out was by the giant claw crane that jutted out from a watchtower, long enough to reach the other side. From there, it would dump the scrap outside, where it could be sorted and put to use.

And last but not least, there was the crown jewel of the entire set - the smelting pit. The actual pit itself was way down in the ten-meter hole at the center of the yard, which opened up in an upside-down funnel shape as you got further down. The pit hadn't been used for a while, and as of then was just a lake of ash. Platforms ringed around it below, with deactivated lighting running alongside them. There also appeared to be a network of corridors within the funnel, most likely for worker barracks and supply areas, along with a few escape routes.

In other words, the perfect place for a mutated werewolf to hide.

I sighed, looking at the wind spirit from where she was perched. "You can head off now, if you want. I'll be fine from here on out."

Wind swirled around her petite form, turning into a small funnel cloud that dove onto the ground like a slinky, expanding until it revealed Janna in her humanoid form. "Are you sure?" She asked. "It's my job to protect those who need me. I don't wan't to leave you here if you're defenseless."

My heart split open in my chest.

Janna was always so kind, so caring, so concerned with everyone's safety. She was one of the better deities in Valoran - humble, generous and loyal to the end. She always made it a personal affair whenever someone prayed to her, watching over them as their own guardian angel. What had I _ever_ done to deserve having her in my service?

Nothing.

Which meant that she needed to stay as far away from me as she possibly could.

"Well..." I huffed. "I'm _not_ defenseless, and I don't really _need_ your help either, so I'm good."

She blinked, startled, before relaxing, moving a hand to rest on my shoulder. "We all need help sometimes." She said. "There's no shame in asking for it." True, but it wasn't like I deserved it. I'd forgotten that she could be stubbornly persistent when it came to this kind of thing.

"I'll be fine. Really." I rebutted. "This isn't the first time I've dealt with someone like him. I know how to put him down if he tries anything." This, of course, was a bald-faced lie. If Warwick tried anything at all, there wouldn't be much I'd be able to do about it. I would be dead before I even knew what hit me. But, well, Janna didn't need to know that. One little white lie wouldn't hurt her.

However, the Storm's Fury didn't look all that convinced. "Are you saying that because you'll actually be fine, or because you don't want me involved?" She crossed her arms, her scepter floating next to her. I inwardly cursed. This was _not_ one of those times that I was grateful for her intelligence. Really, couldn't this Janna just be a _little_ bit more oblivious? No? Figures. I'd been freeloading off of life for so long that I'd forgotten what it was to have a hard time. I guess this was life's way of saying "payback time, bitch."

"I said I'll be _fine._ " I didn't budge an inch. "Don't you have other people to help out?"

"As of right now, no." She said. "You seem awfully anxious to get rid of me."

"What tipped you off?" I asked. "My witless charm?"

"If you're insistent about going down there alone, then I shouldn't be letting you go at all." Janna replied. "You're basically asking me to _kill you._ "

I huffed in annoyance. "Maybe I am. Do you have a problem with that?"

She joined me in my silence. For a few seconds, it was just the two of us, listening to the soft hissing of the malfunctioning chemtech. "You're hurt." She said, after a while.

"My implants kinda made that obvious, don't you think?" I asked.

"No." She pressed hand to my chest, right next to the shard. "In here."

I dropped my gaze to the floor with a sigh. "I...please leave." I pleaded. "It's not that I don't want you around because I dislike your company. I don't want you around because..." I paused. "I don't want you around because I don't want you to get hurt."

"Why would you be so concerned for my safety?" She asked. "I'm perfectly capable of handling myself, you know."

"I know that better than most." I chuckled, before my serious demeanor returned. "I'm not asking for much. If I need you, I'll call for you. But right now...I need to be alone. It's for the best that nobody gets involved."

She furrowed her brow with confusion, then slowly nodded. "I've got my eye on you." She warned, wagging a finger at me. "Don't get mad at me when I say 'I told you so' after nearly getting yourself killed."

"Yeah, yeah." I rolled my eyes. "Now get outta here. It's time for you to get back to work. Wouldn't want to make your boss angry, would you?"

"My...what?" She asked.

By then I'd already begun climbing down into the smelting pit.

It was time to have a chat with an old friend.

* * *

There was one common trait that all smelting pits shared:

They smelled absolutely _awful._

It was going to take _weeks_ to wash the stench out, as I'd been wading knee-deep in...whatever it was, for about fifteen minutes. This seemed like something that would be inevitable, walking through a narrow corridor that was the equivalent of a sewer, but complaining wouldn't get me anywhere. If anything, it'd only alert Warwick to my position, and then I'd _really_ be screwed.

"I thought _alligators_ were supposed to be fans of places like this." I grumbled, after almost tripping into the noxious substance. "Though in all honesty I doubt that even _Renekton_ would be interested in something _this_ bad..."

The worst part was the dark. I _hated_ it when it was dark in these situations. The only consolation I had was that Warwick's chemical augmentations would be glowing, which meant that I'd be able to see him coming. Still, I doubted that I'd be fast enough to react.

My hands kept my body upright by sliding around the curved walls of the tunnel, fumbling for purchase in the shadows. The smell only grew more rancid as I pressed on, which may have indicated that I was getting closer. It was hard to tell what exactly I was smelling.

My left hand suddenly fell into an opening in the wall, and I fell in the same direction, catching myself in what was revealed to be a doorway. After providing it with a healthy dose of furious insults, I took a moment to observe the room I was standing in. My fingers probed around for a light switch, and flipped the lever up once they'd found it. The bulb in the center of the ceiling barely had enough juice left to do an adequate job, and the glass had become stained with fungus and other forms of muck. Just like the rest of the city, the room was now bathed in green. Couldn't they _ever_ just throw a little bit of blue or red in? At least it'd relieve the monotony.

The bed was caked with ash and grime, the sheets looking like they were about as comfortable as sandpaper. It appeared to be what was left of a barrack. I almost didn't notice the gigantic hole in the corner of the wall. It clearly hadn't been a part of the initial design, as giant claw marks were embedded in the metal around it. Warwick wasn't one for subtlety, apparently.

I trudged through the muck and peeked through the hole, wary for a sudden werewolf ambush. Instead, the hole led into another corridor, with another hole in the wall. This pattern repeated itself, going through multiple rooms and hallways until it trailed off into the blackness.

I huffed. "Well, at least he's making it easy for me." I muttered.

I gingerly stepped over the hole, then made steady progress towards Warwick's newest den, aided by the dim lighting the first room created. I was going to have to ask Viktor for implants that were capable of glowing in the dark - assuming he didn't kill me for this afterwards. Each room transitioned from barracks to washrooms to storage rooms, but they all looked like Zac had taken a shit in each of them. I couldn't help but wonder if _he_ was here too. Probably.

I got deeper and deeper, losing my way again as the barrack's light failed to reach me. Luckily, the holes stopped shortly after, which meant that I only had to walk straight. Of course, there could always be a wall I'd run into, which would actually be more accurate in regards to my luck.

 ** _BONG!_**

I promptly fell flat on my back in the raw sewage.

Figures.

After the unfortunate demise of my nostrils, I ran my hands along the wall to search for a way out. I soon found that the tunnel went to the right, and promptly followed.

 ** _BONG!_**

I was going to kill Warwick just because he was being such a damn inconvenience.

This time, I'd crashed into the top half of a door, with the bottom half having been sliced off. It appeared to be one of those vertical sliding doors, which explained why the Laws of Physics weren't freaking out. Not that I ever gave a damm about the Laws of Physics. Who needs 'em?

There was a dim green light emanating from the opening, which elicited a gulp in response. Sweat starting coalescing on my neck, from both the heat and my nervousness.

 _This is_ such _a stupid idea_.My conscious told me.

 _No shit._ I agreed. _I honestly have no idea why I'm doing this._

 _But screw it, right?_ My conscious replied. _We're probably gonna die if we try to back out, so we might as well go through with_ this.

I pressed my hands and forehead to the door, dampening it with my sweat. After stilling my pounding heartbeat, I clenched my fingers into fists, set my mouth into a firm line and nodded. "Alright, Warwick." I said. "Come get some."

I stooped down and squatted beneath the door, inching my way under it and out to the other side. I could just faintly make out the outline of a lever from the green light above. I _really_ didn't want to focus on that until I'd acquired the not-really-advantage of the light. I guess that as a star, it was in my nature to seek out light if I couldn't generate it. And why wouldn't I? It's soothing. Calms my nerves.

I flipped the lever, squinting my eyes as I waited for them to adjust. After they had, I took a few precious seconds to take in my surroundings.

I appeared to be in some sort of supply room, circular in shape and wide enough to hold forty people at once pressed together. Overturned rotten crates littered the back of the room, spilling rusted scrap and moldy food. This would've been _heaven_ for rats, but judging by the bits of bone and halfway-constructed skeletons that were scattered around the floor, Warwick had taken it upon himself to be his own pest control.

My nose wrinkled at a rancid smell in one of the room's makeshift corners (circles don't have corners - geometry lesson, scrubs). Were those _droppings?_ Did Warwick seriously take _shits_ in his own bachelor pad? Without flushing? I knew that he was an animal, but he was still at least _partially_ human - there was no excuse for terrible hygiene.

I then noticed that the rats weren't the only dead thing in this room. Warwick had apparently taken to _human_ corpses as well, stashing them away for later. His idea of leftovers didn't settle well with me. There wasn't a clean spot to be found on the walls, either. They were covered with dried blood, grime and slash marks, and extended down to the floor. I was fairly certain that while my world's Warwick was a pain in the ass, he at least knew how to keep his room clean. If this wasn't worth my time, I was finally going to lose it and throw a fit. It'd been a while since I'd had one of those.

 _Plip._

Something landed on my shoulder.

I slowly looked down to see that it was a goopy, contaminated scrap of meat, mixed with green chemicals and saliva. It started hissing on contact, so I quickly brushed it off.

 _Plip._

Another moist piece fell on my head. I almost cursed as I felt it begin to sear through my hair, brushing it off even faster than the last one.

I stepped back, letting the pieces of meat fall in front of me. Where the _hell_ was that coming from?

 ** _...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..._**

I froze.

And then I looked up.

As expected of a typical Zaunite structure buried underground, there was a messy network of gigantic pipes that ran from wall to wall near the ceiling. It was almost like looking at a spiderweb, if you looked at it in a certain way. Each pipe was thick enough to make for an easy walkway, and they all intersected to make a sort of platform in the center.

And hunched down on that center, glaring at me with his burning red eyes while blood dripped from his jaw, was Warwick. He'd brought up one of his recent kills, and was currently devouring the remains.

This felt like more of a mistake than ever.

* * *

Warwick didn't waste much time afterwards.

In a flash, he'd discarded his meal and pounced, before I'd had even a second to react. He landed right on me, knocking me to the ground while pinning my arms and legs with one of his claws and both feet. Interesting advantage.

" _Why have you been following me?!_ " Warwick snarled, spraying spittle and chemicals into my face. That'd leave a few burns, if I survived. " _Who sent you here?! The Chem Barons?! **Singed?!**_ " The other claw was wrapped around my neck, clenching hard.

I blinked.

Now, this was probably a stupid thing to be thinking while I was being interrogated, but the only thing I could think of was:

 _What the_ hell _is up with this guy's_ voice?

I should've been expecting it, but this Warwick sounded _nothing_ like the original. Granted, he _looked_ nothing like the original, but it was still surprising. The old Warwick had a thick, rumbling growl, one that was silky smooth, yet utterly menacing at the same time. _This_ Warwick sounded _way_ more deranged. Within just a few short sentences, his voice had gone up and down every octave repeatedly, words strung together with barely any control. It sounded... _wetter,_ too. Like he was speaking and gargling saltwater at the same time. Warwick sounded like he was reigning in his primal urges with every ounce of his strength every single second, and he was fighting a losing battle.

Through the pinpricks of pain and phlegm that dotted my vision, I finally had the opportunity to stare into Warwick's eyes up close.

It was like staring into two miniature red suns, and as a star, I can confidently say that. It felt like they were going to burst into flames at any moment, just from the raw _anger_ they emanated.

But most of all, through that animalistic rage and killing instinct, through the exhaustion that came from being strangled, I finally realized what else lurked behind that gaze. Why his kills felt so familiar.

" _ANSWER ME!_ " He roared, baring his fangs. He tightened his grip on my arms, and I felt my implants groan under the strain. It was the shot of adrenaline I needed to get my mouth moving, and preferably moving fast.

I shook my head frantically, flinging beads of sweat everywhere. "No...no one!" I gasped, through his ironclad grip. "I'm...only here...of my own accord...and I came alone!"

" _Then **why?!**_ " He demanded, as I began to black out.

"Because..." Rather unhelpfully, he squeezed tighter, hastening the pace at which I was falling unconscious.

"Because you-" I tried to breathe in, but nothing came from it, sucking on a void.

" _Because **what?! SPIT IT OUT!**_ " He roared.

" _BECAUSE YOU HATE THEM!_ " I belted out in a gasp, using the last wisp of oxygen I had.

I fell slack in his grip.

And then...he let go.

I coughed and sputtered as I refilled my lungs, everything coming back to me in a rush. Warwick had backed off, standing on both hind feet while hunched over. He regarded me with suspicion, but confusion had just been thrown into the mix.

" _Them?_ " His eyes narrowed.

"The-" I hurled up one last coughing fit, wiping my mouth after I'd recovered. "The people you've killed. Whenever I stare at a new corpse you've made, all I can see in the remains is _hate._ "

He didn't reply, briefly glancing down at the floor.

" _You **know,** don't you?_" He asked, looking back up at me. " _You've felt it._ "

"I still do." I replied. "Every day."

We were quiet after that, considering what to do next. This was... _odd,_ to be certain. We were both still on edge, but curiosity was getting the better of us. Me? I wanted to know why Warwick had gone on a killing spree. Him? He wanted to know I knew what it felt like to be in his position, among other things. It was why he wasn't acting so hostile, I guess. If I'd been anyone else, he would've either tried to kill me, or warn me to stay away and then leave. But I had his interest, and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity.

" _You knew my name._ " He said, after a few minutes had passed. " _From...before. How?_ "

I sighed. "I guess I wasn't being completely honest when I gave my reason for following you." I sat myself down on a crate, wincing as I felt its dampness soil my pants. "I don't really know how else to say this, but where I'm from...I... _know_ you."

His skeptical-yet-curious growl told me to continue.

"We've never met before." I said. "Well, we _have,_ but not _you_ you." I wasn't really good at explaining myself. "Another you. From before."

" _Before?_ " Warwick looked down at himself. " _Before... **this?**_ "

"...Yeah. Kind of." I halfheartedly agreed. "You...hurt someone close to me." I brought my gaze to my feet. "I loved her very much."

" _So it's personal._ " Warwick concluded. He tilted his head to one side, considering something. " _I don't...remember. Before._ " He huffed. " _I didn't even know my name, until you told me. Now...I remember some things. Not everything._ "

"Your transformation warped your memory, I'm guessing." I said. "Did your buddy Singed have that in mind when he pumped you full of the stuff you've got in that chamber on your back?"

" _HE IS **NOT** MY FRIEND!_" Warwick snapped, spraying saliva as he violently smacked his chops at me. " _It's because of **him** that I am what I am now._"

"Hm." I grunted. "That's a new one." So, Singed was Warwick's enemy on this world. That could be useful, in the right situation. "He captured you?"

" _Then he tortured me. **Broke** me. And cast me aside when he was done **playing** with me._" He bitterly confirmed. " _Before the pain...nothing._ "

"You don't remember a thing?" I asked. "Not even how he caught you in the first place?"

He slowly shook his head.

I hummed. "What _do_ you remember?"

" _The operating table. The torment. The pain._ " Warwick bluntly responded. " _Before that, nothing._ "

It occurred to me that I was trying to coax a psychotic wolfman into talking about his mental issues, but my life had been _way_ weirder beforehand. This didn't even rank high on the list.

"Nothing at all?" I raised an eyebrow. "Anything of value would help. I'm still debating on whether to trust you or not."

Warwick paused, thinking. " _I sometimes hear a girl in my dreams. She screams, but I don't know what she's saying. It sounds like a name, but then it fades._ "

"Warwick." I said. "That's what she was saying."

" _Maybe._ " He replied. " _Other times, when I killed gangers in the streets, I'd remember a knife. And blood. On my hands._ " He stopped, working things out in his head. It actually looked like it was physically _hard_ for him to think. Whatever Singed had done, it hadn't been pretty. " _I was one of them, once._ "

"A gangster." I guessed.

" _And a killer._ " He looked down at his claws. They were still stained with his newest kill. " _I still am. So I hunt._ "

"You hunt killers. Criminals." I concluded. "You weren't in control when you killed those innocent people months ago, were you?"

" _No._ " He replied. " _I only needed blood. It was only when I remembered that I remembered the **hate.** I don't hate **them.** I hate **myself.** The only thing I know about my life before is that I tried to be better. But I **wasn't.** Now...I can't run from myself. I can only **hunt.**_ "

In that moment, I finally understood why Warwick was doing what he was doing.

He'd tried to do good, but things didn't go the way he wanted. He tried to be better, and to do the best he could, but in the end it wasn't enough. The city had taken everything from him as a price. He'd been broken down and strung back together with hate, and now all he could do was to kill as many of Zaun's criminals as he could. Not just because they were criminals - but because they constantly reminded him of the fact that he'd been a failure. He wasn't the good guy. In his mind, he didn't deserve to be. He was just the guy that got rid of the bad guys. He took care of everyone else's problems while he never fixed his own.

In a lot of ways, Warwick's problems were remarkably similar to mine, and it was pretty jarring. I'd tried to protect Demacia, to protect my friends and everyone that I loved, but I'd ignored my arrogance. I let Selene pull the wool over my eyes. In return, she kicked my ass and left me to die, while simultaneously enslaving everything and everyone that I'd been trying to protect in the first place. I didn't deserve to be with them. All I had left was hate. So I was going to kill Selene, eliminate her armies, and then...I'd leave. I'd never interfere again.

"It's a damning mistress, ain't it?" I chuckled. "It empowers us. It makes us stronger. But in return, it demands that we sacrifice our humanity."

" _So you **do** know._" Warwick said. " _Who tore **you** apart and pieced you back together?_"

"Someone who I intend to kill _very_ soon." I replied, clenching and unclenching my fists at the thought. "I have to find my way back home first, I'm afraid. I'm not from Zaun, you see."

" _I figured._ " Warwick grunted. " _You don't smell like rot and the Grey. You smell...different._ " He sniffed in my direction twice, wrinkling his nose after. " _You don't smell like you're from Piltover, either._ "

"Let's just say that I'm not from around here." I replied. "I'll tell you more later, depending on the answer to my next question." There was still one more thing that I needed to know.

" _Which is?_ "

"What does the name 'Soraka' mean to you?"

There was no reply for a while. " _Is she dead?_ " He finally asked.

"She might be." I replied, pained. "I don't know if she's okay right now. I'd be willing to bet she was alive, though." Only because Selene would want to play with her first.

" _Then it means nothing._ " Warwick replied. " _I've killed everyone I ever sought to kill. If you don't know, then I've never met her._ "

I slumped back against the wall on my crate, sighing with relief.

He didn't know who Raka was.

He'd never met her in the first place.

She might not even _exist_ here.

I could forgive the deaths of the innocents that had died by his jaws. I _couldn't_ forgive him if he'd hurt _Raka_ too. But he hadn't. So with that in mind, and taking everything else into consideration, I was willing to trust him, at least for now.

"Alright." I folded my arms. "I'll make you an offer, then."

Warwick raised an eyebrow.

"Do you _want_ to continue to be a monster, Warwick?" I asked.

" _I don't have a choice._ " He replied. " _It's what I am._ "

"But what if it didn't have to be?" I countered. "What if I could help you become human again?"

He laughed. " _And how would you do **that** **?**_ "

"You know, Viktor, right?" I asked. "Robot scientist, likes making _more_ robots, _specializes_ in robots? I know him. He's interested in your...unique...physiology."

" _I'm not interested in becoming his **lab rat.**_ " Warwick snarled.

"He doesn't want to experiment on you." I assured him. "He just wants to meet you. Check you out. Maybe run a few tests-"

" _ **NO!**_ " Warwick roared, tearing his claws through a crate. " _ **NO MORE TESTS!**_ "

I cautiously backed further into the wall, holding my hands up in a defensive gesture. "Uh...okay. Will you at least consider letting him take a look at you, then? You've got a lot of problems with your body's augmentations. He might be able to fix you up a little bit."

" _And if he can't?_ " Warwick asked. " _If it only gets worse?_ "

I paused, pensive. "I have...friends. Powerful friends. Or...they used to be." I huffed. "They're kind of in danger at the moment. But if you help me, I might be able to help you through them."

" _Is that right?_ " Warwick half-sneered. " _And what do **they** have that everyone else in Zaun doesn't?_"

"Magic." I replied. "Healing magic."

Oh, I _definitely_ had his attention now. " _Magic?_ " He asked.

"Oh yeah. The real kind, too - not just the small bursts you find in hextech." I smirked. "If you help me, I'll help you."

"But. Um. See...here's the thing." I continued. "If you agree to help me, you're going to have to...get out of your comfort zone."

" _How, exactly?_ "

"By traveling to another dimension and helping me overthrow a tyrannical lunar deity hellbent on conquering the universe." I bluntly replied.

Warwick said nothing, stunned.

Then...he started _laughing._ It was just as deranged and wet as his regular pattern of speech, but it was genuinely humorous. This Warwick was so confusing on so many levels.

"I'm not kidding, you know." I deadpanned. "There's a _very_ high chance of death."

" _I grew up in **Zaun.**_ " Warwick reminded me, after he'd finished. " _What else is new?_ "

Oh. Fair point. With the Grey, the gangs and the Chem-Barons all taken into consideration, Zaun was definitely _not_ the safest place to live. Average citizens had to risk their lives at _least_ three times a week, and that was if they were _lucky._ Since Warwick went up against the Chem-Barons almost every single day, he'd probably been doing it three times _daily._

"So...you're in?" I asked.

" _Not just yet._ " He replied. " _You have to do something for **me,** first._"

"I offered you a chance to become human again. What more could you possibly want?" I asked.

" _The deaths of the Chem-Barons._ " Warwick replied. " _Every. Last. One._ "

I grinned.

"I was hoping you'd say that." I said. "This'll be fun." Just a couple of maniacs, a night out on the town, slaughtering gangsters left and right, it was going to be rather pleasant.

 _ **BOOM!**_

The ground shook.

Debris came loose, falling from the ceiling all around us

We both jumped, instantly tensing up. I sprung to my feet, Warwick doing the same and baring his fangs.

"The _hell?_ " I said, looking up with confusion. "Is that the _pit?_ "

" _No. It hasn't worked in years._ " Warwick replied. " _I'd know if it was._ "

 _ **BOOM!**_

The room rumbled with a thunderous echo, and I felt myself rattle from the feet up from the vibrations.

" _It's coming from outside._ " Warwick noted. " _I smell arsenic. And smoke._ "

"Bombs. You're smelling bombs?" I said.

" _Big ones._ " He replied. " _It's coming from the industrial district._ "

"You can smell that from all the way over here?" I raised an eyebrow.

" _I know Zaun's streets like the back of my claws._ " He grinned. " _And that's **without** my nose._"

"Who do you reckon's causing trouble _this_ time?" I asked. "My money's on Jinx." To be fair, this felt _exactly_ like something she would pull. She was into explosions. And the occasional mass murder. Before joining the Star Guardians, that is. But, the Star Guardians didn't _exist_ here, which meant that she was probably still a psychopath.

" _I know her weapons. They smell different when they fire._ " Warwick shook his head.

"I guess we'll find out, won't we?" I gave a feral grin, feeling a murderous itch race through my fingers.

Warwick returned my expression, flashing his claws and giving a growl of anticipation.

"Let's go hunting."

* * *

 _ **And that's it for this chapter. Don't really have much to say this time, so I'll see you all next week. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	49. Robo-Crab 20 - Thicc Edition

_**Alrighty y'all, you know the drill! We are once again back with a new chapter, and I'm feeling like I'm on a roll here! From what reviews are saying, it would appear that I've been popping off with my writing since chapter 44, which is really pleasing to hear. It's awesome that you're all taking these Zaun chapters so well, because I've honestly been unsure about how they'd be received. I dunno, I feel like I'm trying my best, but I could be doing better. What on Earth would I do without fans like you? So as always, thank you. Now, let's address what's gonna be happening, shall we? This time around, Warwick and Helios are starting their rather unorthodox partnership, and will be investigating the major ruckus going on in the city. Some of you might have an inkling of who it is, but I'd rather that you find out for yourself. Now, shall we?**_

* * *

Riding on the back of a pseudo-werewolf while he bounds across the rooftops of Zaun is one hell of an experience.

It's not _fun,_ exactly, not when there's a giant chemtech chamber in the way. I could've sworn that I'd gotten stretch marks just from having to contort my body into such an awkward position for so long. Then there was the fact that each time Warwick landed, it _hurt_. If the theoretical stretch marks weren't annoying enough, the bruises certainly were. Over all, we were just a really odd sight to see. Still, even though it was a pain in the ass for the both of us, Warwick had still offered, as it was faster than me trying to keep up with him.

And _gods,_ could he move. The one upside to riding on his back was how _exhilarating_ it was. He was _insanely_ fast, and when he put his mind to getting somewhere he was unstoppable. He straight up mowed through anything that was in his way, briefly becoming a flurry of claws and fangs to remove obstacles. I felt my stomach drop whenever he made a particularly large leap, soaring over the streets below.

Despite our mutual irritation, and the admittedly intimidating pace at which we were moving, I felt surprisingly calm. I held no animosity whatsoever towards Warwick, and I found that our similar circumstances led to a common understanding of each other. If we were going to go on a killing spree together, I found that the idea agreed with me. It was still weird, considering that he had the face of my old nemesis, but overall I could ignore it. Warwick had given me enough reason to trust him, so I was going to focus on what we were trying to accomplish.

Speaking of streets...

As we got further and further into the city, we both couldn't help but notice that things looked like they were going to hell. Even more so than usual, and in Zaun, that was saying something. Debris and rubble were haphazardly strewn about everywhere, and several buildings had gigantic holes in them. That _definitely_ wasn't normal. The path of the destruction got bigger and more evident as we went further in, with lots of people running in the opposite direction. Yowza. The hell had been going on while I was away?

And then there were the giant gas clouds that coated the streets once we got to a certain point. The Grey could be lethal if it was thick enough, and we were ultimately forced to climb higher just to observe the carnage. A few stray Piltovans looking out their balconies promptly shrieked in response to Warwick chaining bounces off their railings, but eh - who cares? It was fun to watch them freak out, anyways.

And then we got to the source of the commotion, where the Grey was thickest. It was blotting out the sun, to the point where it was almost as dark as it was during the night. Green gas clouds swamped the leveled square, hiding in the wreckage of markets and shops.

But the weirdest thing?

It was quiet.

 _Deathly_ quiet.

There was absolutely _no sound at all,_ not even the faint screech of Zaun's critters (they don't have names - they're mutated to the point where nobody can tell what they're supposed to be). It was a ghost town, which had never happened before. Not in this city.

Despite Warwick's speed, we'd gotten there too late. Whoever had started this had already finished, and they'd been brutal with their execution. As Warwick and I dropped down into the remains of the square's main courtyard, the corpses that littered it came into view. Not a single one was whole, and appeared to have been blown apart at the seams. However, they hadn't been as thoroughly erased as Warwick's kills, and they were still identifiable.

"Gang runners." I said, as I slid down from the werewolf's back. "Lots of them."

" _They worked for the Chem-Barons._ " Warwick noted. " _They smell a little less like filth than most._ "

That in itself was no big loss. Nobody would miss them, after all. But, once again, like Warwick, something about the way they'd been killed unnerved me. It wasn't the intent behind them - I recognized hate when I saw it. It was more the way they'd been killed in itself. I crouched down to observe the body of one gangster in particular, noting where he'd apparently exploded from the inside out. He hadn't been torn apart by anything sharp, like Warwick's fangs. It actually looked like his body had burst, due to some form of high-caliber weaponry. The spread of the shot had ripped him in half, leaving his legs a few meters further down the pavement.

" _Helios. Look there._ " Warwick gestured off to the side, and I followed his gaze to a few dozen more bodies. "What about them?" I asked, but even before the words had left my mouth, I'd figured out what was wrong.

The bodies nearest the thugs were dressed _far_ too nicely to be in with their crowd. Crips blue overcoats, the remains of Hextech firearms...oh gods. Those were Piltovan _officers,_ and they looked like they hadn't fared any better than the gangsters.

"What the fff..." I trailed off, before cautiously walking over to the new pile of corpses. "The hell are _Pilties_ doing in a place like this?" Zaun is filled to the _brim_ with all manner of illegal acts. Piltovan police, while highly effective, are simply unable to cope with the sheer amount of crime that Zaun experiences. On its worst days, _hell no._ Forget it. As such, it was _extremely_ rare for Pilties to come down and take matters into their own hands - it was a measure reserved for only the most extreme cases, i.e. Jinx. But I could already tell that this wasn't her style. A lot more buildings would be on fire otherwise.

"It's not Jinx." I voiced my thoughts out loud. "She messes with Piltover's police department a _lot,_ but she's never actually killed any of them." I took a wary glance back at Warwick. "Unless, she's different here...?"

He shook his head. " _She's nothing more than an annoyance. I don't even bother with chasing after her._ " Well, reasonable enough. I wouldn't either. It'd give me too much of a migraine.

"Good." I said, resuming my attention back to our problem. "She's...a friend, back where I come from." Warwick looked mildly confused, but didn't press me on it.

"That's odd." I frowned, briefly dipping a gloved finger into his blood. "He's been killed in the same way as the gangster. These officers were using Hextech, and the thugs were using chemtech firearms, so why do their wounds look the same?"

" _It couldn't have been a confrontation between the two, then._ " Warwick affirmed. " _I only smell smell acid on a minority of the officers slain._ "

"Hm..." I stepped over the victims to take a glance into the ruins of a nearby shop. What'd it been selling, I couldn't say, but it didn't matter anyways. I traced my fingers along the edges of the massive hole blown in the wall, rubbing the ash together on my fingertips as I pulled it away. I didn't want to get too close - the interior was packed with some sort of noxious gas. "There's a lot of gas in here, but it doesn't look like it was what blew this wall open - no chemicals on the edges."

" _There are civilians mixed in with the bodies._ " Warwick said, gesturing to the courtyard's outer edges. I came over to where he was looking, getting down on one knee to observe the latest piece of evidence. "Looks like a few shopkeepers got unlucky." I said, squinting as I leaned closer to the victim's neck. "A few of his veins are black, and there's swelling in some areas. It looks like he died by inhaling whatever gas was fired into those other buildings."

"Any more bodies, or is that all we need to know?" I asked. I was angry that innocents had lost their lives, but at the same time, it wasn't my problem - I'd be leaving soon anyways. ...Ooh. I needed to get back to Viktor on that once I'd wrapped this up.

" _One more._ " Warwick said, pointing to the center of the courtyard once again. " _Or what's left of it._ "

I could see what he meant even before I'd gotten there. "What the hell did _this guy_ get thrown into?" I asked, scrunching up my face with disgust. "A _meat grinder?_ " Just by looking at the remains, I could see that the body had been flattened, pressed, and then shredded into thousands of tiny bits. The bones were paste, the skin pressed flat and barely hanging together, almost like a torn sheet of paper. And the...other things...well, it wasn't pretty. It was more of a puddle of blood than it was anything else, really.

"Well, I don't think we need any more evidence to know that a third party interrupted this little throwdown." I said, placing my hands on my hips as I stood. "Whoever - or _what_ ever - it was, it hit like a wrecking ball. These poor idiots didn't know what hit them."

 _Plr-rr-rrrrk._

A rustle of debris.

The two of us instantly got into a combat-ready position, facing the direction of the sudden noise.

It was coming from the rubble of another shop, which was missing a roof and back wall. The rock had fallen from behind the gas cloud that enveloped the hole, which wasn't ominous at all.

And then, from out of the darkness, stumbled _Janna,_ falling to her knees. Her clothing was worn and shredded in some areas (don't even _think_ about getting any ideas), and she was covered in bruises, accompanied by a multitude of gashes and scratches. One of her eyes was swollen shut, and she was cradling a broken arm. Her staff clumsily floated next to her, barely able to keep itself afloat.

She wasn't even able to speak, a look of utter desolation and despair her only way of communicating.

" _Janna!_ " I shouted, running in a full sprint towards her. No. Not again. She was _not_ going to suffer again. I knew better this time. She wasn't dying on my watch. Warwick dropped to all fours to join me, and the two of us raced to get her out of harm's way.

We stopped just before reaching her, realizing that the three of us weren't the only ones present. A massive shadow loomed in the gas behind the wind spirit, shrouding her in darkness. A faint green glow emanated from its lower half, highlighting six mechanical appendages that were each half a meter thick.

Then, a gigantic hand, unusually pale in tone, reached out from the shadows and clamped itself around her neck. It lifted her up, then threw her at us, sending her tumbling across the cobblestone. I immediately rushed to her side, checking her wounds as Warwick stood guard, baring his fangs. I let out a sigh of relief upon seeing that her injuries weren't fatal. She would need a _lot_ of rest, but she'd survive.

" _ **She was unworthy.**_ " A voice rasped from within the gas. " ** _But_** _you... **you are different. You have** suffered. **You are** strong._"

I scowled up at him, cradling Janna's limp body in my arms. "And _who,_ exactly, are _you_ to deem her unworthy?"

He gave no reply.

Instead, he stepped forward.

 _Plank._

 _Plank._

 _Plank._

 _Plank._

 _Plank._

 _Plank._

I watched, slowly becoming more and more awestruck, as a gigantic mechanical leg teeming with chemtech placed itself on the ground as he came into the dim light. Then another...and another...and _another..._ until there were six legs total.

The juggernaut's face revealed itself at last, and my eyes widened.

He looked different, and _sounded_ different, but I'd recognize that fat tub of lard and his legs anywhere.

" _Urgot._ "

* * *

He'd been lifting.

Despite the fact that I felt nothing but _rage_ at seeing him again, feeling the bubbly black _hate_ rear its head in my heart, it would seem that my wry sense of humor could never leave me, no matter the situation. I could've been coming up with plans of attack or escape, and instead my first thought was "he'd been lifting." Real mature, Me.

To be fair, though, he _did_ look like he'd been pumping iron. Urgot's physique, or at least his upper body, was in _way_ better shape than it'd been on my world. The old Urgot, while augmented with chemtech that possessed Noxian designs, was bulky and fat, with skin that had to be stitched together in some areas. One of his eyes had to be replaced, not to mention that he'd been _dead_ at one point. But _this_ Urgot? He was still fat, but just from looking at him, I could tell that it hadn't been because of poor health - Urgot had grown fat from _strength._ He no longer had a potbelly, and his biceps were thick with muscle. His skin was still unusually pale, but it was _living_ flesh - no stitches, no faint glow of chemtech, _nothing._ Urgot had apparently never died on this world. He had both of his eyes, too.

And then there were his augmentations. Old Urgot was more of a pet project than anything else - his augmentations did a little bit of everything, but nothing special overall. It was like the Zaunites who'd experimented on him couldn't decide what he'd be good for. New Urgot, on the other hand, had been built for _war._ Instead of two augmented limbs that fired projectile blades and chemical blasts respectively, Urgot had kept his left arm wholly intact, choosing to attach a gigantic _cannon_ onto his right. It took up the entire arm, leaving no trace of flesh or bone behind.

His voice had changed, too. Urgot used to talk like a robot. "Target acquired," "objective complete," you name the cliché and he'd said it at least once. Now, Urgot talked relatively human, and was spouting off crap about worthiness and pain. It sounded oddly familiar, but the closest thing I could think of was Illaoi, who wasn't close at all.

(AN: *Cough cough* _ **Bane**_ *cough cough*)

Last but _definitely_ not least, we had the legs. _My gods,_ the legs were ridiculous. Urgot now had _six_ legs instead of four, as I mentioned earlier, and each one made the older models look like toothpicks. They were flat on the ends instead of pointed, and noticeably, each one had some sort of opening at the knees that was brimming with chemtech. What was up with _that?_

And now here he was, sneering (I think - his face mask covered his mouth) down at Janna's unconscious form. " _Pathetic._ " He spat, without the spittle. " _ **And this is the standard for a** goddess? **This is why I don't invest in**_ **religion.** " He looked up to stare at me. " ** _Deities are always disappointing when you meet them in person._** "

I felt his statement strike a chord, momentarily freezing up. Did he know- no. He couldn't have. Urgot didn't even appear to be aware of the effect he had on me. I steadied my furiously pumping heart, letting out a discreet sigh of relief.

" ** _They prayed to her._** " Urgot gestured to the other bodies. " ** _They dropped to their knees mid-battle and_** _begged **for her to save them. So she came. She saw what I'd done. But she, like them, was a waste of my time.**_ "

"And yet she's still alive." I replied, fixing him with a cold, angry glare.

" _ **Her skin was unblemished, before she challenged me.**_ " Urgot remarked, as if this was a perfectly reasonable explanation. " ** _There wasn't a single mark on her body, unlike the poor, lost_** _sheep **that she claims to care for.**_ " He gestured to her as she lay still in my embrace. " _ **I fixed that. I** broke **her because she was** weak._"

" _ **But** you..._" He chuckled. " _ **Yes, you** both **know** pain. **I see it in your eyes. You were made strong, and reborn in** hate, **you most of all, Howler.**_ " He flicked his head at Warwick, who raised his hackles and snarled at the direct mention. " _ **What** torment **was inflicted to turn you into such a beast? What** agony **it must have been.**_ "

" _LET ME SHOW YOU **FIRSTHAND** WHAT I FELT!_ " Warwick roared - he'd finally had enough. He bounded forward on all fours, then leaped, soaring through the air with his claws extended.

But Urgot wasn't shackled by his augmentations like he'd been on my Runeterra. They only made him stronger. And _faster._

Even before Warwick had jumped, Urgot was trailing his movements with his cannon, and once Warwick was airborne, fired a glowing green canister at his chest. It exploded midair, and while the werewolf twisted so that it only grazed his shoulder, it still impacted, filling his lungs with only a _fraction_ of the gas that enveloped the wreckage around us. Warwick lost his momentum and fell, collapsing in a heap at Urgot's feet. His sense of smell was a hundred times stronger than a regular human's, and his pain was indicated by the chemical tears that rolled down his face.

" _ **A concentrated form of the Grey.**_ " Urgot informed. " ** _It has many uses, but bringing a beast to heel is one of my favorites._** "

Then, Urgot sprung forward, pushing with all six of his legs. The force with which he lunged was so great that he left a _crater_ where he'd been standing earlier. As he flew, he grabbed Warwick by the neck, dragging him with him. I desperately leapt to the side with Janna in my arms, just barely missing Urgot's trajectory. He slammed Warwick into the pavement, then threw him overhead, swiveling his body around to face him as he tumbled to a stop. Interesting. Instead of his legs moving to change the direction he faced, his torso moved while his legs remained stationary.

Warwick was on his feet in an instant, howling with rage. Urgot blinked, momentarily looking down at his chest.

" _ **Interesting.**_ " He said. " ** _A twinge of fear._** " His gaze hardened, eyes narrowing. " ** _I won't let_** _fear **get in my way.**_ "

He aimed his cannon, then started firing. Each shot had the force of a railgun, the shockwaves generated visible as they burst from the barrel. Warwick dashed around each round with inhuman speed (no shit, right?), zigzagging towards the Noxian headsman as he did so. He was almost within reach.

Urgot sensed the imminent danger, lowering his cannon to one of his legs as Warwick came within a range too close for his cannon to be effective. Why was he-

He plugged his cannon into a socket on his leg, then fired.

I then discovered the significance of his knees.

His knees were shotguns.

A widespread blast _exploded_ from the joint, fizzling out at a certain range but packing a punch at close-quarters. This, then, was what had blown a hole in so many buildings. Graves was going to be _so_ jealous, assuming I lived to tell him the story.

The blast ended up missing, as Warwick sprung high into the air just a millisecond beforehand. It clipped the end of his tail, but he didn't seem to mind, focusing on his prey. He landed directly on Urgot's shoulders, thrusting his head down to bury his jaws into Urgot's left shoulder blade, just before the neck. Urgot grunted with pain, but surprisingly didn't cry out, thrashing wildly and bucking his legs as Warwick held on. He finally discarded the notion of using his hand, clubbing Warwick on the head with his cannon.

Warwick, disoriented, fell backwards, extracting his fangs. It left a sizable wound, but Urgot didn't seem particularly bothered by it, as if the pain meant nothing. Did he even _feel_ pain?

" _ **That hurt.**_ " Urgot remarked. But he didn't sound angry. He actually sounded _pleased_ with his injury. " _ **Good. You might make a fair trial after all.**_ "

Warwick groaned as he recovered, but instantly went rigid after Urgot made his remark. He started shuddering, clawing at his face and making uneven, guttural growl. The chemtech chamber on his back began to flicker, turning from green to orange.

 _Oh, **no.**_

" ** _Intoxicating, isn't it_** ** _?_** " Urgot asked, slowly advancing. " _ **The smell of** blood, **as it gushes forth from the corpse of your** prey._"

" _Helios._ " Warwick grunted, straining. " _Take her...and-...run._ "

I'd been standing frozen for the entire exchange, unable to recognize that helping him _might_ have been ideal. "But-"

" _ **RUN!**_ " Warwick screamed, as his chamber finally turned completely orange, his eyes filled with bloodthirsty fire.

He didn't have to tell me a third time. I picked up Janna bridal-style in my arms, carefully wrapping her staff in the crook of my arm, awkward as it was. I turned around and fled, listening to Warwick give in to his hunger. I briefly glanced over my shoulder and saw Warwick lunge at the headsman, attacking with three times the fury. Urgot was still undaunted, engaging the man-turned-beast head-on.

"First Warwick, now Urgot." I muttered, as I returned my focus to getting Janna to safety. "Two crazy idiots in one day. This place is going to hell, and it's not even lunchtime."

I turned a corner, jogging down the street while cursing the loss of my divine strength. It would've been _so much_ easier if I was able to lift houses with my pinkies again. Life just kept on throwing inconvenience after inconvenience at me at a pace I just couldn't keep up with. How on Runeterra had I dealt with it the first time?

A slight wheeze told me that Janna was awake, and barely holding on. I looked down to see her looking up at me with glazed, half-lidded eyes. I got the feeling that she couldn't even see me, she was in so much pain. "Wh-"

"Hey, hey, shh." I softly whispered, readjusting her in my arms. "It's okay. You're gonna be okay. You'll live." I felt like I was trying to reassure _myself_ more than I was trying to reassure _her._

She continued to stare at me for a minute, then drifted back off into unconsciousness. I cursed, trying to pick up the pace. Why was I so damn _helpless_ all the time? Warwick hadn't been hanging with me for little more than three _hours,_ and he was already getting his ass kicked because I couldn't do anything to stop it from happening.

After I'd been running for around twenty minutes, I finally exited the makeshift arena, momentarily pausing as I noticed the police tape blocking my way. Hextech hovercars owned by the PPD (Piltover Police Department, duh) flooded the street, with officers trying to calm the panicked civilians on the other side.

"Please, stay calm!" One officer said, holding his arms out in the typical way one did in futile attempts to calm a crowd. "We are dealing with the situation as quickly as we can! For your own safety, please refrain from coming any closer!"

The crowd, a mix of both Zaunites and Piltovans, didn't appear to be particularly convinced. The Zaunites were acting rather hostile, in fact, tossing random bits of scrap and trash as they taunted the enforcers. Even in times of crisis, Zaunites still held Piltovans with contempt. Idiots, all of them.

Then, two officers in particular caught my attention, their colorful clothing standing out amongst the sea of blue uniforms. One was wearing a crisply maintained top hat, and the other had dyed her hair hot pink.

I gulped.

Of all the people it had to be...

"C'mon, Cupcake, let me in there!" Vi complained, smacking one fist into the palm of her other gauntlet. "I'll be in and out in five minutes, I swear!"

"You know we can't." Caitlyn replied, looking worried despite her rebuttal. "Lennox and the others haven't reported back since going in. And the _noise..._ we can't just go in blind."

"I bet it's the Howler." Vi grinned. "I've been wanting to take a shot at that thing for a _long_ time."

"Are you _daft?_ " Caitlyn asked. "It would kill you in an _instant._ "

"Would _not._ " Vi turned up her head, feigning offense. "And even if it _did,_ I'd still try. It'd be worth it."

Oh, for the love of _gods._

" _HELP!_ " I cried, as I ran towards the line. " _OVER HERE!_ "

They looked to the source of the plea, and upon seeing me with Janna in my arms, instantly freaked out. Eyes widening, they dropped their conversation and ducked under the tape, racing over to me as I lowered the sorceress to the ground. Caitlyn took her from my grip, cradling her as I panted. _Gods,_ I needed to exercise more. Not that I _didn't,_ but it clearly wasn't enough.

"She's injured." I said, nearly out of breath. "She needs help, _now._ "

Vi tilted her head to the side, confused. "Okay, but what's up with the glowing sti-"

"Vi." Caitlyn turned to sharply glare at her. "Not now."

The Piltover Enforcer folded her arms, grumbling.

"What happened to her?" Caitlyn asked. "I've never seen wounds like these."

"No time to explain." I said. "No time to explain why I don't have time to explain, either. Just get her someplace safe!"

I turned around, but stopped as I felt Vi grab my arm. "Whoa, whoa, wait. Where are _you_ going?" She asked.

"Back in there." I gestured back to the square with my head. "Someone there needs my help."

"Are you nuts? No." Vi shook her head. "You barely got out alive as it is."

"We just need you to answer some questions is all." Caitlyn added. "Just tell us what you saw, and then we can take it from-"

I. Did not. Have _time. For this._

I was going to regret this later, but I didn't have much of a choice. I reared my other fist back and slammed it into Vi's stomach, winding her. She released her grip on my arm, and I sprinted off, ignoring the click of Caitlyn's rifle or her warnings for me to stay put. She wasn't going to fire. I knew her too well.

I ran back to Warwick's location as fast as I could, praying to the gods that I hadn't killed him just hours after meeting him. My lungs were burning, sweat streaming down my brow, but it didn't matter. I would run myself ragged if I had to.

* * *

When I returned, I found that only one of them was present, and Warwick didn't look too happy.

He was licking his wounds, clotting the blood with his saliva. His hyperactive healing factor was taking care of the rest, though it looked like it still hurt.

" _Took you long enough._ " He grunted, finishing up on his right arm and moving to his left. " _You were lucky. He would have killed you if you'd stayed._ "

"Where...where's-" I wheezed, plopping down on my hands and knees while I gestured for him to wait. "Where's _Urgot_ _-_ " I fell into yet another coughing fit, pounding my chest with one fist to get it all out.

" _He left._ " Warwick replied.

"Where'd he go off to?" I asked, recovering.

" _I don't know. I can't smell him._ " He said, wrinkling his snout. " _My nose still isn't working as well as it should be. That gas of his burnt like fire._ "

"I'll bet." I said, falling back to sit on my butt. "He let you live?"

" _To send a message._ " He replied. " _He wanted me to spread the word._ "

"Which I doubt you will." I finished.

Warwick chuckled bitterly. " _I have no one to tell, anyways._ "

"True." I agreed. I hummed with a frown, considering something. "Shouldn't you be crazy right now?" I asked. "Blood drives you nuts, right?"

" _The smell has gone dry._ " He said. " _And I still can't smell properly._ "

"Right. That." I replied. Then I noticed the awkward way he was sitting, hunching over his stomach. "What's up with the weird way you're sitting? Did he get a lucky shot off or something?"

" _He stuck me with some kind of needle._ " Warwick said. " _It went through my spine, as far as I can tell, but it's already healed._ "

"Must've been one hell of a needle." I remarked, slightly mortified. "What about the marks on your ribs? It looks like that wasn't the only place he got you."

He shifted, slightly uncomfortable. " _The 'needle' was just the first part. The next was the meat grinder._ "

"...What?"

He nodded. " _It was in his chest._ _He impaled me with chains, then tried dragging me in._ "

"That's not overkill at all." I replied somewhat drily (I was still reeling from the thought). "I'm guessing that you escaped?"

" _I was still enraged, but I managed to bite through them._ " He confirmed. " _Then he left._ "

"So much for a first hunt." I grunted, easing up to sit next to him. "We'll deal with him later, then." As much as I wanted to _kill_ the bastard, I had to be practical about this. Neither of us were a match for him as we were already - fighting him was suicide. "We should get rid of the Chem-Barons first. Viktor might be able to help with that."

Warwick's mood took a bit of a sour turn. " _I said I wasn't interested in being poked and prodded._ "

"I don't think there'll be any needles involved." I reassured him. "All he has to do is get a blood sample and some of the stuff that's in your back."

" _And how is he going to get **blood** without operating on me?_" Warwick asked, skeptical.

I silently gestured to his wounds. "I have a few vials on me right now. Just give me a few drops and that should be good enough for him. Plus, you spit and cry acid. I don't think it'll be hard."

Warwick sighed, then beckoned for a vial. I handed him one, and he carefully (though still a little clumsily) brought it to the wound on his chest, letting a few drops of his blood drip in. He handed it back to me once he was done, and I screwed the lid back on. "And there we go. Problem solved." I said.

" _Where's the wind sorceress?_ " He asked.

"I gave her over to the cops." I said, leaning back on my elbows. "She should be fine after a few days."

Warwick snarled. " _I wouldn't trust Piltovans to handle my **droppings.**_ _What makes you think they won't ask questions?_ "

"Oh, they will." I said. "But, y'know, she can turn into a bird. She'll just fly away after she's done healing. Maybe she can feign unconsciousness until then, I dunno."

" _You seem surprisingly casual about all this._ " Warwick snorted. " _You don't fear for her safety?_ "

"Of course I do." I replied. "But, well, this isn't the first time I've had to deal with something like this." I exhaled, making a little fart noise with my mouth as I put on a poker face. "I guess I've just gotten used to crazy."

" _Is that so?_ " Warwick offered a small, wry smile.

"Warwick, I haven't even gotten _started_ on the kinds of crazy things I've seen and done in my lifetime." I said, chuckling. "Get me a drink, and I'll tell you all about it."

I never got that drink - we were in a courtyard filled with corpses, after all. But that didn't stop me from telling my story.

And good gods, what a story it was.

* * *

 _ **Aight, that's it for now. Sorry this is a little late - I had a brain-fart halfway through the week and ended up going back to fix it. So, here we are. We're getting close to the end of the Zaun-Piltover arc. Helios just has to help Warwick with the Chem-Barons, strike a deal, get the parts he needs to get back home, and then make a short pit-stop. You'll know what I mean by each of these in time. Until next time!**_

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	50. This is About to Go Horribly Wrong

**_Here we are again! We are back with a new chapter, and BY ALL THE GODS OF RUNETERRA, THE PLAN TO GET HOME IS FINALLY PROGRESSING. I can FINALLY get to the part of the story I've been meaning to get to for weeks! So, this time around, Viktor has finally drawn up a list of the parts Helios needs to build a device that'll get him home, and some of them will have him brushing up against some very familiar faces. Will he regret it? Oh yeah. Is it going to stop him? Hell no. He's going to return home even if it kills him. ...Which it probably won't, but STILL! He's doing it with determination, UNDERTALE-STYLE! NOW LET'S DO THIS THING!_**

* * *

Ekko's apartment was pretty decent, even though it was hardly worth anything at all.

It was tucked away in a corner of one of the more modest sections of the city, and was easy to overlook. The paint was faded, and the tech used to construct it was somewhat outdated, but it definitely looked nicer than most of Zaun's architecture. One could even say that it was a relatively cozy place to live. I had to admire Inna and Wyeth's resolve to give their son a better life, even though he stubbornly resisted going anywhere but deeper into Zaun. Back on my world, they understood. They still wanted to get Ekko into good schools, but more so that he could help do better things for Zaun. Here, they most likely had no idea about what he wanted to do. They were still doing all they could just to scrape him a few meals.

It was a shame, then, that I would have to ransack their house and steal their property.

Well, not _their_ property. Ekko's.

The Z-Drive.

The bat, the chain, the whole package. I needed _all_ of it.

Viktor had been rather clear about it. The Z-Drive was one of the only pieces of technology in Zaun capable of altering the fabric of reality. Its ability to manipulate time was a key component of the device Viktor would build in order to get me home. There was a few other pieces needed to make the device capable of breaching a hole in _space-time,_ but Viktor hadn't revealed what they were yet. Some emotionless robot _he_ was. He had a thing for dramatic effect, the pompous bastard. The thought fed a trickle of amusement into my mind as I stared at the property.

I sighed. It'd been a few days since the encounter with Urgot, and we hadn't seen him since. We'd gotten word of his actions, and how he stirred up Zaun's criminal underworld, but ultimately we hadn't encountered him. Viktor also forbade Warwick and I from trying it, too.

We don't argue with the only doctor in the area. Not if we want to keep getting patched up.

And then there was the other thing: the two of us had, after a rocky start, embarked on our own little killing spree. It was _chaos,_ and we _loved it._ We'd even managed to get one of the Chem-Barons already. I didn't care enough to remember his name - I only knew him for five seconds, before Warwick had promptly made mincemeat out of him. It was fun to watch, too. Does that sound a bit psychotic? Yes. Do I care? No.

But, as much fun as it was, home had to come first.

So, while Warwick was off doing his own thing, I was about to steal from a poor married couple with a delinquent child.

 _Oh,_ the cruel, cruel humor of it all.

I hated my life sometimes, I really did.

It was nighttime, so theoretically Ekko would be asleep. I knew where the Z-Drive was (he'd told me himself back on my world, when we were both champions) - I'd just have to swipe it without alerting him. That would be a lot harder than it sounded - Ekko was a light sleeper, and if I so much as _stepped_ the wrong way, he'd be up and at me. Not that I couldn't take him - I'd just have to hurt him, which I didn't want to do, and if his parents got involved I'd have to knock _them_ out too. And that would just make me feel even guiltier than I was already feeling.

"This oughta be fun." I muttered, rolling my eyes as I stared up at the building. "This isn't going to haunt me at all."

I cracked my shoulders and neck (which I actually did for a reason other than dramatic effect - since getting beaten within an inch of my life, they were sore almost _all_ the time), then strode across the street, right up to the front door of the apartment building. All the lights were off, meaning that the residents were indeed asleep, but just in case, I'd avoid all the windows. Conveniently, there was a pipe running up the wall, which led right up to Ekko's bedroom window. Perfect.

I pushed myself up the pipe, testing to see if it would hold my weight, then started climbing, mindful of the noise I was making. Over all, this was going better than expected, but knowing my luck, it wasn't going to last.

When I finally got to the window I was looking for, I paused. Then, I squinted, looking along the edges. Sure enough, Ekko's security systems were in the same place as usual. Just a tiny wire, barely visible in the darkness, connected to an an alarm inside that would go off if I tried to pry the window open. I silently vowed that I'd thank Ekko for giving me that information as soon as I saw him again back home. I'd also have to thank him for explaining how the Z-Drive worked. It wouldn't be useless to me once I acquired it. It'd be fun to see if I couldn't fool around with it a little bit - bash some heads in.

I fished a pair of pliers from my pocket (I hadn't asked Viktor if I could borrow them, but what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him), which is difficult when hanging by one hand from the edge of a window. Since my fingers were already beginning to burn, I cut through the wire as quickly and quietly as I could, cursing with frustration when it took several tries. Once I was done, I slipped the pliers back into my pocket and gently pushed the window open, careful not to make any noise.

Ekko's room was, like the apartment it was housed in, relatively modest. It had a small closet, a few cupboards, and a desk where he worked on his inventions, and of course, the bed. It was getting a bit too small for him, indicated by his toes almost peeking over the edge. He was a light sleeper, but at the same time he slept very messily, always contorting himself into awkward positions, usually with the covers almost off. Ekko himself was fast asleep, blissfully snoring the night away.

Once I had fully gotten myself through the door, I silently snuck around the foot of the bed, pausing whenever Ekko looked like he was about to wake up. I then got to my hands and knees, bending down to look underneath. There was a large rectangular case there, but I knew that it didn't contain the Z-Drive. That was only the decoy, in case someone broke in. In other words, this instance.

I slid the case out from under the bed, then felt around the spot it had previously occupied. There should be a little indentation- _ah._ There it was.

I pulled at the nook in the flooring, then pried up the hidden compartment, inside which I found a key. It was small, and looked insignificant, but that was most certainly not the case. It was supposed to unlock a hidden compartment in the closet, which had taken Ekko some time to construct without his parents' knowledge. And, once I opened the closet and unlocked said compartment...la di da. There it was.

It was a beautiful set of machinery. I had to admit that every time I looked at it. Ekko was destined for great things - you could see it in his dedication to his work. I frowned, feeling a mote of depression. Ekko was, frankly, wasting his talents. What he did during the night was admirable, but it wouldn't accomplish anything in the long run. If Ekko _really_ wanted to help Zaun, he had to play the game the way Piltovans did. And that was something he'd never want to do.

I couldn't help myself. I took the Z-Drive's keychain component and clipped it around my waist, the same way Ekko did. I took the bat and held it in both hands, feeling the way it firmly fit in my grip. I could see why Ekko would enjoy using this thing. It felt good. It felt _powerful._ It felt like I could do the impossible without so much as blinking.

I chuckled, feeling the brief thrill of success. That hadn't been so hard.

And then, forgetting myself, I turned around and smacked the flat surface of the bat against the closet.

 _WHACK._

The sound echoed throughout the room.

And just like that, Ekko's eyes snapped open.

"Wha-" He blinked, rubbing his eyes. As soon as they were completely focused, they landed on me, and promptly widened.

He opened his mouth again to shout, but I was already on him.

 _Dammit, Ekko._ I thought to myself. _Why can't you just sleep like Tryndamere does for once?_ When Tryn was out, he was _out._ Only Ashe could get him to wake up. _No,_ I won't tell you how. The methods vary.

I pinned his arms to the bed with my legs, pressing down on his throat with his own bat while I covered his mouth with my free hand. He kicked and thrashed frantically, but due to the position he was in, he could only smack my back with his knees, and that didn't really hurt enough to be effective.

"Ekko?" Inna's voice groggily called from outside. "Are you okay in there? You still asleep?"

His eyes darted to where her voice had come from, trying to scream louder, tell her to _get out_ while she could. Always thinking of family, even in situations like these. It almost brought a sad smile to my face.

"I'm not going to hurt her." I whispered. "Your tech's the only thing I want."

He thrashed harder, but he was already losing oxygen, and his eyelids began to flutter. "Yes, that's good. Thaaaaaaat's it." I told him softly. "Go back to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning."

His struggling continued, but only sluggishly, burnt out by a lack of energy.

His body tensed for one last time, then went limp. He was unconscious.

I sighed. _Gods,_ I hated doing stuff like this. I was trying to keep my friends _safe,_ not hurt them directly. But, my plans tended to go wrong most of the time, so I really should'nt have expected anything else.

Still, at least I could afford to make him comfortable. I gently pulled the covers out from under him, then tucked them over, moving his body up a little so that it wasn't quite so close to the foot of the bed.

"You're a good kid, Ekko." I said softly. "You were a good friend, too. I'm sorry it had to come to this."

And with that, I turned and jumped out the window, grabbing onto the pipe and sliding to the ground.

I looked down at my newly acquired gear. It had _better_ have been worth all this trouble, or it was going to be the first thing I trashed when I got home.

" _Helios. Are you there?_ " Warwick's voice said into the comms system attached to my mask.

"Yeah. What's up? Need help for something?" I asked.

" _I've cornered someone who's had ties with Urgot._ " He replied. " _I thought you'd want to get involved._ "

"With what, interrogation or just messing with him?" I said.

" _Both._ " He replied.

"Works for me." It'd give me something to think about other than ambushing my friends, at least.

* * *

" _I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!_ " The thug screamed. " _I SWEAR TO GODS, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!_ "

I sighed. "You know, this would go a _lot_ faster if you would just be honest with us."

"Please," He whimpered. "Please just let me go."

" _I don't think you're in any condition to make demands, **rat.**_ " He snarled, holding him by one leg. " _Have you even looked **down?**_ "

This guy was either surprisingly defiant or downright stupid, and I was inclined to believe it was the latter. He was too scared to recognize that he needed to tell the truth, especially since we were threatening to dump him into several thousand gallons of molten metal. Warwick had dragged this guy's sorry ass all the way to a smelting pit, similar to where he'd holed up before moving in with me and Viktor (and Viktor was _not_ happy about how much he shed daily). The only difference was that _this_ smelting pit was fully operational, and was currently cranking out the goods at a few million degrees, courtesy of chemtech enhancements.

Warwick was holding the gangster by the leg over the edge, while I just sat there with my knees hanging over the side. This had been going on for a little while, and we were both getting irritated. This was taking _forever._

"Alright. Drop him." I said, moving one hand to the Z-Drive's chain. If I recalled correctly, Ekko had said there was a function for preventing select individuals from being affected by the Z-Drive's abilities...

"What?! _NonononoNOOOOOOO_ -" He screamed, as Warwick released his grip. He fell down, down, down, until he was just about to hit the surface of the fiery liquid.

Then, I yanked the chain.

Time then proceeded to go in reverse, like I'd just pressed "rewind" on a tv remote. The gangster rose up from the pit, flying right back into Warwick's outstretched claw.

" _I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE IS!_ " He screamed again. " _I SWEAR TO GODS, I-_ " He paused, realizing what had just happened. "Huh? What?"

"Listen, pal." I patted the Z-Drive from where it hung on my waist. "This little beauty right here is the only thing that's able to stop you from vaporizing. And I can do it as many times as I want." I paused, looking him right in the eyes. " _Or,_ I can choose not to do it at all, and simply let you fall." I fixed him with a grim smile. "Are you really willing to risk that, or do you want to avoid taking a swim?"

He gulped.

This was kinda fun.

"I d-don't know anything about what he's planning." He said. "Not really. He doesn't like to share information."

I gave him a dry stare. "And that's going to save your life because...?"

"Waitwaitwait!" He said, holding his arms out haltingly. He looked really awkward, as the blood was beginning to go to his head, but it was also a little entertaining. "That doesn't mean I don't know what he _wants!_ I know what he's _trying_ to do!"

"So do we. He wants to make a ruckus and hurt a whole bunch of people, then keep the cycle going." I deadpanned. "Tell us something we don't know."

"I bet you don't know how he got here." He continued, clearly trying his hardest to come up with relevant info. "You think he just waltzed into Zaun by himself? Think about it - who in their right mind would _ever_ want to settle down in Zaun?"

I frowned, considering that. "I _am_ a little curious, I must admit." I said. "Start talking. If you don't talk fast enough, Warwick's gonna bite your leg off." That was a bald-faced lie - Warwick hated the taste, but it wasn't like our victim needed to know that, right?

"He used to work for Noxus. Did nasty stuff to people i-in the arena!" He stammered. "A headsman, I think that's called."

"We know what they're called." I narrowed my eyes, then flicked my head at Warwick. He tightened his claws, and the thug shrieked, briefly overcome with pain. I could see blood beginning to drip from his foot, and while blood was almost always able to drive the werewolf nuts, especially given his sense of smell, the noxious fumes combined with the smoke were smothering the scent. Warwick couldn't smell a thing.

" _Alright, alright!_ " He shouted, almost squealing. " _Just stop!_ "

I nodded, and Warwick slackened his grip, though now the gangster was dangling a little closer to the pit, which made him sweat even harder. Or maybe that was just the heat, I dunno. Didn't matter.

"He got orders to come to Zaun, crush an uprising against Noxus that was being planned by some of the locals!" He yelled. "But it was a setup! He got thrown into the Dredge while some new guy took charge back home!"

"And Baron Voss _tried_ to break him, she really did. She tried her best, but a year in that prison does things to people. Nothing could hurt him worse than the Dredge had." He glanced down at the pit before continuing.

"He scared her off, replaced bits of him with tech that made him stronger, than blew the Dredge to high hell." I narrowed my eyes. So, Garen hadn't been responsible for Urgot's augmentations, then? That was a new one. Then again, that made sense as to why he didn't look like he'd been reanimated. If only that made him less dangerous.

"Why's he going around blowing stuff up?" I asked.

"He thinks he's giving the city some sorta _test!_ " The thug said. "The Dredge tried to break him, but it only made him stronger. He's gonna turn the city into a wasteland, or a war zone, I dunno! But once he's done, only the strongest are gonna be left to dig through the scraps."

"And you honestly thought that joining him was a good idea?" I sneered. "You're not making a very good case for yourself."

"Of _course_ I'd side with him! The Chem-Barons are scared _shitless_ of the guy!" He yelled, starting to talk faster. "Baron Voss stuck him with her sword, and he only _laughed_ at her! I'm not getting in the way of someone like _that!_ "

Welp, it was official: Urgot was a bad guy. But no shit, right?

"What about after he's done with Zaun?" I said. "Is he just gonna stick around, or does he have another agenda in mind?"

"He's going back to Noxus." He said, sweating buckets. "He's got a score to settle with the guy who stabbed him in the back. He's gonna kick him off his chair, take control and then do to Noxus what he's going to do to Zaun."

Familiarity and unease began to crawl up from within my mind. Noxian warlord, huh? Could it be...?

"Name. I want a _name._ " Warwick helpfully swung him over to me, and I grabbed him by the chin. "Who betrayed Urgot? Who left him here to die?"

"I-I...I f-forget." He stuttered. "Just gimme a minute to think."

"Better come up with it quick - Warwick's claws are getting slippery." I flicked my head at the werewolf. "How're you holding up?"

" _My arm's getting tired._ " Warwick grinned savagely. " _I don't know if I can hold on for much longer._ "

"I just need a _second,_ I swear!" He shouted. "It's...it's-"

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. "Alright, drop him again."

Warwick let go, and once again the gangster plummeted.

I tilted my ear in the direction of the pit, hoping to listen to his answer.

It took approximately five milliseconds before I heard him scream.

" _SWAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!_ " He shrieked, just as he fell in to the molten metal. There was an almighty _FWOOSH,_ and a column of fire erupted from the pit, singing Warwick's fur. And my eyebrows.

I instantly yanked on the Z-Drive's chain, and time once again went in reverse, until the gangster was right back in Warwick's grip.

"Swain?" I asked, crouching down to meet him at eye-level. " _Jericho_ Swain?"

He nodded fervently.

"Are you _sure?_ " I asked again.

"Yes! Yesyesyesyesyes, I'm _sure!_ " He confirmed. "That's the name I remember."

I looked down into the pit, processing this new information.

I brought my mind back to our first encounter with Urgot, and how he'd wrecked an entire section of the city. He'd displayed such destructive force, such _power,_ and like Warwick before I met him (well, he still left the same imprint), his attacks were laced with _hate._ With _rage._ He laughed when in pain. Massacres were almost _boring_ for him.

Back on my world, Urgot was weak. He was only a puppet, Swain playing enthusiastically with his strings.

 _Here..._ he was a match for _gods._ And all that power was being utilized with the intent to topple the general from his throne.

A sinister grin slowly spread across my face. Even Warwick was unnerved by the malice it contained.

 _Well._ It would appear that life had just thrown me a spot of luck. It would be a shame to waste such an opportunity.

"Thanks for the info." I said, standing up. "You were very helpful." I started walking away, and once I'd put a suitable amount of distance between myself and Warwick, I called to him over my shoulder. "Do what you want with him. We'll meet up back at Viktor's place."

He nodded. He threw the gangster to the ground, brandishing his claws and bearing his fangs.

"Wait- w-what?!" The thug exclaimed. "Aren't you gonna let- ...aren't you gonna let me go?"

I paused, turning to look back at him blankly. "I never said that." I said, with a slight frown. "I just said we weren't going to throw you in the pit." I hummed, shrugging. "I guess it would've been kinder to let you fall in, but I'm not really in a merciful mood today."

Warwick growled, sniffing the air. I could see why - the gangster's fear was so intense that it was almost _pungent_ \- you could smell it dripping from every pore.

"No - _please!_ " He scrambled backwards on the platform, one hand raised at the Uncaged Wrath of Zaun (took me a while to come up with a good title for him, but I think it suits him quite nicely, don't you?). " _Please please **please-**_ "

" _Quit whining._ " Warwick snorted a puff of air from his nostrils. " _Or don't. I like it when they scream._ "

" _No- ...no no no no **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_ " He screamed, as Warwick pounced.

I whistled a merry tune, hands in my pockets as I walked back home.

Music to my ears.

* * *

Viktor was bent over his workbench when I got back to Emberflit Alley, not even bothering to give me a glance over his shoulder. He was completely engrossed in his current project, using his third arm to weld metal together when needed.

"I'm back." I said, shrugging off my cloak and hanging it on a coat rack.

"Yes, the sound of the door opening told me as much." Viktor replied. "Where's Warwick?"

"Finishing up with a new chew-toy." I replied, plopping myself down on a couch (which was actually pretty comfortable, despite the stains and holes in the fabric). "He should be here soon."

He nodded, satisfied with my answer. I briefly forgot what I was going to say, then immediately stood up as it went off with a little _ding_ in my head. "Oh! I almost forgot!" I walked over to his workbench, removing the Z-Drive and placing it in front of him. "One Z-Drive, as requested."

"Ah, excellent." Viktor said, holding up the bat to inspect it. "It's a remarkable piece of technology, no?"

"It definitely has its perks." I agreed, as my mind drifted off to remember my interrogation of the most-likely-now-dead gangster. I took a greater interest in Viktor's project, then furrowed my brow. "Is that-"

"It is." He confirmed. The device was circular in shape, though rose up to create a small, thin dome. It appeared to be intended to open up at the middle, almost like a flower going into bloom (I could almost hear the sound of Jhin salivating). When Viktor opened it up, I could see three different slots in the middle, each a different shape. The edge of each "petal" had a prong attached, with numerous coils of wiring looped around each one. They were intended to channel electricity, it appeared, or at least whatever form of energy the device would generate.

"How long until it's finished?" I asked.

"Technically, it's almost done." The cyborg replied. "I only need the last two energy sources, and then it will be ready."

"So, are we going to put the Z-Drive's crystal in now?" I asked. "Like, smash the bat open with a hammer and take it out?"

"I am most certainly not." Viktor said. "If I were to do such a thing, I may very well end up disrupting the timeline, and since you are so desperate to return home, I'm quite certain you don't want that to happen." He looked back at the device. "When it is time, I will _carefully_ remove the crystal, and insert it along with the other two."

"Right. Those." I said. "Which crystals are we talking about?"

Viktor hummed with slight distaste, as if he'd encountered something difficult that displeased him. "About that. The other two crystals are going to be the notably more difficult stage of the plan."

Oh boy. Here we go. "I'm listening." I said.

"The Z-Drive's crystal is capable of manipulating time, but as I explained to you earlier, it cannot manipulate _space_ -time." He started to explain. "To achieve the effect we want, we will require a crystal that is capable of transporting the user solely through space, not time." This time, he actually bothered to look at me, and I got the feeling that I wasn't going to like what he said next. "And so far, there is only one crystal publicly known to Piltover that is capable of such a thing." He tilted his head up ever-so-slightly, which meant that he was raising an eyebrow. It'd taken me a bit of practice, but now I could tell. "I think you know which one it is."

Oh, _gods,_ he couldn't really mean what I thought he meant, could he? I did indeed have an idea of which crystal he was talking about, but I was _really_ hoping that I was wrong. If I was, it'd be _extremely_ relieving.

Still, that probably wasn't the case. Which meant it was most definitely:

"Ezreal's gauntlet." I said.

I winced when Viktor nodded. "Indeed it is." He confirmed.

"And how exactly are we supposed to get it?" I asked. "Ezreal spends all of his time exploring, and he hardly ever returns to Piltover to visit."

"True enough, but fortunately for us, three days from now happens to be one of those rare occasions." Viktor replied. "Are you familiar with Progress Day?"

"Yeah - it's Piltover's national holiday." I said. "Celebrating their recent advances in scientific knowledge, and all that."

"Progress Day is in three days time, and the annual tradition is to host a convention of sorts." Viktor continued. "Ezreal will be attending, in order to showcase his most recent archaeological finds."

"I'm sensing a _but_ in there somewhere." I replied, briefly interrupting.

"Naturally." Viktor conceded.

"Which is?"

"Jayce's patron house, Clan Giopora, is hosting the event." He replied.

I walked over to another workbench and flopped facedown on it, moaning exaggeratedly into the wooden surface. "I'm guessing that the crystal that powers his hammer is the third piece we need?" I asked, though a bit muffled from the workbench.

"Indeed." Viktor said. "The manor will be heavily guarded, and outfitted with the latest in Hextech security."

I groaned again, louder this time. "What else? Tell me now so that I can give it out of my system."

"Numerous high-ranking officers from the Piltover Police Department will also be there." He continued. "Including Sheriff Caitlyn and her deputy, Vi."

I groaned ever-louder, even more exaggerated and exasperated than before. "Is that it?"

"One more thing." Viktor said. "Every noble house in Piltover will be attending, including Clan Ferros and its Principal Intelligencer, Camille."

" _ **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWGH.**_ " I groaned so loud that it almost shook the room, gently slamming my head multiple times into the workbench.

"I want to die." I said, almost on the verge of tears.

This just wasn't _fair._ Why did this have to be so damn _hard?_ First, I'd almost gotten Janna killed. Boy, did I feel guilty about _that._ She was probably at Selene's beck and call every day back home, or dead, or worse. Selene could do _so much worse_ than death. My guilty conscience was going to kill me before this city did. Viktor had informed me earlier on in the day that she'd vanished from the hospital, and nobody currently knew her whereabouts. Good. Hopefully she'd stay away long enough for me to leave. Oh, and there was also the part where I punched Vi after depositing Janna into her care. Wasn't _that_ a smart idea? Assaulting an officer was a serious crime in Piltover. They'd recognize me.

Jayce wasn't going to be a pushover either. He'd gotten combat training from Poppy back at the Institute, but since the Institute didn't _exist_ here, I assumed that meant he'd still be relatively lacking in the fighting department. He'd probably rely on all the neat tricks his gadgets could pull off. It was going to hurt a _lot,_ and that was if I was lucky.

And then there was Camille. Cold, unyielding dread was already crawling up my spine just from thinking about it. It doesn't matter who you are, or where you're from - you do _not_ mess with Camille. If you get on her bad side, you're _dead._ Even Elise, LeBlanc and Lissandra are afraid of her, and they're immortal. Well, mostly. They could still die from wounds, which is why they gave the Steel Shadow a wide berth. Ain't nobody wanna mess with those legs.

And lucky me, I'd get to be on her bad side!

I was going to die.

Why, life?

Just... _why?_

I swear, "Why Can't We Be Friends" needs to be the theme song for my relationship with life in general.

"Well, there _is_ a bit of good news, though it's mostly bittersweet." Viktor offered.

I sighed. "What is it?"

"Each year, the Chem-Barons are invited to join in the festivities." He replied. "They have to negotiate the terms that allow them to keep their territory, you see. If they don't, then they risk being overthrown."

"Hm." I raised my head up from the workbench, a plan beginning to formulate in my mind. "That...could be useful to us, actually."

"Which is why I mentioned it." Viktor replied. "Warwick wants to kill the Chem-Barons. This is the first Progress Day since he first became active, and they'll all conveniently be in one place for him to eliminate, however grotesquely." He hummed, and I got the impression that he was frowning. "I don't see how we'll be able to assassinate them all without being noticed, however."

"Actually, I might know how to deal with that." I sat upright, turning around in my chair to face him. "Warwick and I interrogated a goon that had ties with Urgot just a few hours ago. Apparently, Urgot's after the Chem-Barons too. He also wants revenge on Swain for dumping him into the Dredge."

"And you believe that you can use these factors to bargain with him?" Viktor asked. "Strike a deal?"

"Basically, yeah." I confirmed. "He'd make a pretty good distraction, don't you think? Plus, we'll be able to keep an eye on him, and prevent him from hurting any more innocent people." I looked down at my fingers, trying to count with them. "How many birds are we trying to hit with how many stones, again?"

"Even I lost count." Viktor grunted, slightly amused. "We'll have to smoothen out the finer points of the plan, but that can wait until tomorrow."

"Can't rush how we plan to hopefully not die, can we?" I agreed. "Think we'll be able to pull this off?"

"I couldn't say." He shrugged. "I doubt that I'd like to know the odds anyway."

"Yeah, we're kinda screwed, aren't we?" I said, deflating with a sigh.

Things just kept getting better and better.

* * *

 _ **Alright, that's it for this week! Next chapter, Helios is finally enacting the plan to steal the crystals and get back home! However, an unexpected turn of events later on will have him making a short detour. My my, what could it be, HMM?! I guess you'll have to find out. Until next time!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	51. It Goes Horribly Wrong

_**Aight, I'm bringing in the big guns this time. We're back with a new chapter, and as you all know, this is the part where Helios finally gets to go home. Well, acquire the means to do so, specifically. He's not going to be going back just yet. Something's gonna come up which'll make him drop everything, and momentarily forget about what he needs to do. But I'm not gonna spoil it for you. That'd be cruel of me, no? Now, shall we?**_

* * *

"You're absolutely positive that I'm going to get in with this outfit?" I asked.

"Despite the multitude of things that could go wrong during this venture, yes." Viktor replied, through my comm. "You look similar enough to a native Piltovan that they won't look twice."

"I _know_." I muttered, slightly under my breath. "Piltovans can be air-headed about that kind of thing, but I wouldn't be surprised if they noticed that what I'm wearing's a bit conspicuous."

"It's Piltover, Helios." He replied, almost exasperated. " _Everyone_ looks conspicuous."

It was Progress Day, and the city was abuzz with excitement, even though it was late at night. It wasn't too surprising, I guess; the Progress Day convention was always a sight to see, and since a different ruling house hosted it every year, there was always a guarantee of something new. The streets were flooded with stalls, marketeers clamoring for attention in order to sell their wares. What better day to sell gadgets than on Progress Day? It was something that was to be expected, and that much hadn't changed from what occurred on my world.

This was also the day that Ezreal and Jayce would both be in one spot, where their equipment would be wide-open for the taking.

Of course, Ez's gauntlet and Jayce's hammer were anything _but_ wide-open for the taking, but a pessimistic mindset wouldn't do me much good.

Even though the Chem-Barons frequently attended to negotiate the terms of their sovereignty, that didn't necessarily mean all Zaunites were welcome. Plenty Piltovans still frowned upon the "rabble," and it wasn't completely unwarranted, either. As such, Zaunites were allowed to stroll around the markets, but they weren't allowed to do so without an escort from the PPD, nor were they allowed to enter Clan Giopora Manor, where the actual convention was being held.

This meant, naturally, that I'd have to change my wardrobe if I wanted in. Viktor had done his best, pulling out favors from wherever he could find them, and by the end of the endeavor had secured me a set of Piltovan-style clothing. It was a crisp, clean-looking ensemble, comprised of a blue overcoat with matching trousers, both embroidered with intricate gold designs at the edges, waist, shoulders, spine and torso. There were also slick brown boots, once again embroidered with gold, this time around the back of the heels.

There was, however, the small problem that my implants presented. They could be hidden inside my clothing, but it was itchy and hot inside as a result. Being hot was an unpleasant sensation for me, especially since I was a star. It was demeaning above all else, really.

But Viktor had actually come up with a rather clever solution for my harness, and the shard it enshrouded. My outfit also came with a teal blue sash, embroidered with gold for the millionth time. Piltovans can be rather vain sometimes, so this was a necessary piece. It wrapped around my left shoulder and went diagonally across my torso, right above the spot where my harness was concealed. Viktor cut a little hole in the coat where it was positioned, then built a sort of clasp around it that fit into my sash. The shard would look like a mere accessory, something Piltovans were fond of. Once I'd secured a navy blue cloak for myself, minus the hood, I looked like a typical Piltovan. Only my flickering orange eye would be considered unusual.

Viktor had gone through a number of pains to get me inside the manor, too. Using his vast number of connections once again, he'd forged an ID card for me to get inside, identifying me as a diplomat with ties to Clan Medarda, which controlled Piltover's shipping lanes. This wasn't a bad idea, actually - Piltover's ruling houses had a truckload of representatives each, so much so that it was astonishing if all of the representatives of one clan actually knew each other by name.

I was currently on a train to Piltover Central Station, which was close to Clan Giopora Manor. If you want to look like a Piltovan, you've got to travel in style. That's how the best of them like to do it, anyway. The train itself was ovular in shape, and ran on steam and clockwork. There were plenty of seats inside, but I still sat near the back, where I was unlikely to be heard.

"You know what needs to be done, yes?" Viktor asked. "We can't risk you forgetting a crucial part of the plan."

I rolled my eyes. " _Yes,_ Viktor, I remember just fine. Get in, socialize, wait until it's time, then get the gauntlet, get the hammer's crystal and get out."

"That's not entirely-"

"But it's the general gist, isn't it?" I cut him off. "I know the finer details, but I'm not going to sit here for three hours and list them one by one."

He huffed on his end. "I suppose you have a point. Do what you must, then get out of there as fast as you can. We both know that you're not going to be able to do this quietly, whether we like it or not." He was right. The Hextech security was going to make it difficult, and the fact that most of Piltover's champions (well, they weren't champions _here,_ but you know what I mean) were going to be there too would make it absolutely impossible. There was simply no way this could be done with absolute stealth.

There was also the matter that I was going to be going in unarmed. The Z-Drive and its capabilities were well-known with the higher-ups of Piltover, and if they saw that I was carrying it, and that I _wasn't_ Ekko, they'd put two and two together and lock me in a cell. Then I'd be screwed, and I was trying very hard to avoid that.

"You there, Warwick?" I asked, as the train opened its doors. People began to flood out, and I with them.

" _I'm on the rooftops._ " He replied. " _You'll see me when it's time._ " He was going to have to carry the Z-Drive for me, and then when things went to shit, which they would, he'd finish his business with the Chem-Barons and then deliver it to me.

"Any word on whether or not Urgot'll show?" I asked.

"As of right now, no." Viktor replied. "It remains to be seen if he received our message."

"Eh, I doubt he didn't." I said, recalling how exactly we'd left him said message. We ended up slaughtering several dozen of his so-called followers, then pinned a note to one of the dead bodies. I may or may not have put a smiley face at the end. It just felt like that'd be creepy enough to get his attention. Just to guarantee that we _definitely_ got his attention, we also arranged the corpses so that they spelled out his name when looking at them from a bird's-eye view.

Weird, yes. Effective, also yes.

The message basically stated that I knew what he wanted, and that if he wanted to get it, he'd have to do as the letter instructed. Now, all we could do was wait. We didn't really have a Plan B for a distraction, which meant that a _lot_ was riding on his compliance.

In hindsight, that probably wasn't such a good idea, but we didn't really have any other options. It was all or nothing.

"Whatever his response may be, we still have to carry on as planned." Viktor said. "We can't abandon this operation just because of cold feet. It should be a half hour's walk from the station to the manor. I trust you know how to put on a Piltovan accent?"

"Do I look incompetent to you?" I asked, with a perfect accent. Imitating and mocking Caitlyn with Vi for months on end had its perks.

"Good." Viktor replied. "From this point on, I leave things to you. You'll have to discard your comm once you're at the manor. The security will notice otherwise."

"Understood." I said, exiting the train station and striding out into the streets. "I'll see you when this is all over, I guess."

Boy oh boy, were we screwed.

* * *

According to Viktor, Jayce's home was about as big as his ego.

I was somewhat worried when I discovered just how big Clan Giopora Manor was, as an extension.

It took up the equivalent of _ten_ city blocks, and was more of a small town than a house. It had the typical build of a Piltovan manor, which meant "loaded with clockwork, Hextech and an extremely posh attitude." It was about as fancy as you could get, befitting for a family that took in Jayce as its ward. On top of the manor, however, was a gigantic dome that covered the entire estate, transparent and steadily ticking with Hextech.

 _I don't know what Jayce is like on your world, but here he's nothing short of arrogant._ Viktor had told me. _He has a moral compass, to be sure, but he lacks humility to balance it out. I'd recommend avoiding conversation with him unless it's while you're stealing his hammer. It will be the most insufferable experience of your life if you don't._

Oh, joy. Nothing like a bloated ego to get me excited for the evening. If Jayce had an armored suit stowed somewhere to go with his attitude, I _swear..._

The front gates were the site of an enormously large line, but when a guard dressed in a black (and guess which color was secondary) uniform asked for my ID, he led me through as soon as I brought it out. According to my false identification, my name was Corran Holt, one of Clan Medarda's more prestigious representatives. I couldn't help but feel a little bad as I felt the crowd giving me spiteful looks, but I had more pressing matters to deal with than their annoyance.

 _Getting closer now, Helios._ Raka's voice reemerged, after a few days of sweet, silent bliss. Damn. _Think you can make it in time?_

 _Let's find out._ I replied. She appeared to be surprised by my open acceptance of her challenge, even though she wasn't really there. I needed to get back, just so that I could see everyone again and get these voices out of my head. I preferred to stay sane.

"Welcome, Mr. Holt." Another guard greeted at the entrance, once he'd checked my ID. "The meeting for the Clans will be held in two hours. Until we fetch you, feel free to enjoy yourself." I passed under the blade-shaped gate, walking between two guards with their rifles pointed at the ceiling. They nodded, then moved back to allow me to pass.

And once I had...my _my._

If by some chance that I didn't acquire the crystals after all, there appeared to be dozens of _other_ toys that could get me home.

Lucky me.

The manor itself, due to it being mostly comprised of Hextech, was actually capable of shifting and transforming to suit the needs of the residents. Currently, it was arranged so like one would expect of a convention center - an open floor to make room for the new inventions, plus multiple floors higher up that were accessible via Hextech escalators. I can't even _begin_ to describe the stuff that I saw in there. This convention was where the greatest minds in Piltover came together to showcase their scientific breakthroughs, and they weren't hesitant to show off.

I would be here for a while before it was time, so that meant I needed to take as much of an interest in everything as I could. Then I'd be invited up to the top floor to see the _real_ intriguing stuff, and that would be my cue to strike.

It was easy to get lost in the crowd, and I was already feeling a bit lost in general. There were plenty of things to check out, but there had to be something that would be worthy of my immediate interest.

...Wait. If I was _really_ here for the convention, it wouldn't matter which one I saw first. I'd just have a go at whatever took my fancy.

Silently cursing my idiocy, I marched over to the nearest oddity that I could find, shrugging off my temper as I did so. It appeared to be a vehicle of some kind, consisting of a single wheel that was almost exactly my height, with a seat and handles installed inside. A motorbike, then? I didn't know what to make of it, but its inventor clearly looked proud of it, so I feigned interest and looked over it as the engineer prattled on, clearly failing to notice that I wasn't paying attention. Something about running on kinetic energy, or whatever. It was very well designed, which I had to give it credit for, but it looked a little too flimsy for my liking. Whatever I was going to use for a joyride needed to have a little more meat on its bones. Of course, I've ridden on Aurelion's back, so I might be a little biased.

"Thank you for explaining this to me." I thanked the engineer with false gratitude, in my accented voice. "I'll make sure to notify my house about your developments." He looked positively ecstatic in response. Poor guy was going to be disappointed. Ah, well.

That had taken approximately two minutes of my time. This was going to be a bit harder than I originally thought. I ran my mind through what I knew of Clan Medarda, in hopes of getting a better idea. Clan Medarda controlled Piltover's seaports, which made it one of the most powerful houses in the city. It heavily focused its funds on seafare and exotic markets, which meant that it would be interested in anything that could bring it a profit.

Okay...take two. Exotic, marine-related, or profitable. Narrowed it down enough.

I looked around. I...had no idea what anything did. I was screwed.

 _Ooh, look, something shiny! Let's try that!_ I thought, spying something of interest.

The shiny thing in question was what appeared to be an augmented riot shield. This wasn't exactly what fit the bill, but it would at least help me to blend in. It was in the shape of a vertically stretched hexagon, and about as thin as a sheet of paper. It was lustrous in quality, and appeared to be comprised of several smaller diamond-shaped segments, with glowing blue energy in the cracks between them. I watched as its engineer demonstrated how it worked, pressing a button at the back. The segments sprung outwards from the shield, creating a glowing blue wall of energy between them. When it was done, it became a rectangular energy shield that stretched out two meters on both sides, and a single meter overhead. Effective for its intended purpose, but it still bored me.

I sighed, turning away to resume my search. Everything around here looked so _cool,_ and yet it was proving to be more than difficult to find something fun. So much for taking the optimistic approach. There had to be _something_ that'd fit my profile.

"See anything that catches your attention, young man?" A small, high-pitched voice to my lower left said.

I already knew who that voice belonged to even before I looked down. There was only one person in Runeterra who spoke that eloquently and yet was so short at the same time. No doubt he was a big name around here, as he was on my world.

"Heim-" I stopped. _The hell...?_

Heimerdinger looked and acted relatively the same, cheerily looking up at me with an inspirational air about him. Ah, except for one thing:

He was _human._

Instead of his traditional orange-yellow fur, Heimerdinger was covered in skin, bearing his typical curly rat's nest of hair. His goggles, labcoat and gloves were ever-present, though he was lacking his white beard; only a mustache served in the place of facial hair.

It was so startling that I was visibly thrown off, momentarily inching away from him. The idea of Heimerdinger being human simply didn't register with me. What was this place going to throw at me next? Was Orianna going to magically sprout wings and a duck bill?

"Something the matter?" Heimerdinger asked, tilting his head to the side.

"I- yes, of course. Apologies." I said, recovering as neatly as I could. "You simply startled me, is all."

"Mm, yes, people have remarked that I tend to come out of nowhere." He agreed. "Now! You look lost. First year at the convention?"

"It is." I nodded. "I was recently selected by Clan Medarda to act as one of its representatives, you see." Alright, let's see if I couldn't play this little game with him. "I'm here to see if there would be anything worth investing in for the house, but..." I haplessly shrugged. "I haven't had much luck so far."

"Hm..." Heimerdinger put a hand to his chin, scratching it thoughtfully. "Ah-ha!" He exclaimed, in the typical conclusive way that scientists usually did. "Your house specializes in sea trade and exotic goods, yes?"

"It does." I confirmed.

"Follow me, then!" He turned around, gesturing with a wave of his hand. "I happened to spot a marvelous contraption earlier that I think you'll find to be quite interesting!"

Even though he wasn't a Yordle anymore, the little guy was still unbelievably fast. Combined with his small size, it was almost impossible to keep up with him, and I frequently lost sight of the Revered Inventor as he ducked under every pair of legs that he came across.

"Would you slow down?" I shouted, even though it would most likely fall on deaf ears. "You're going too fast!"

"Better keep up then, eh?" He chuckled, which I barely heard over the noise the crowd generated. "Not too bad for an old Yo- man like me, eh, sonny?"

My eyes narrowed as he stumbled over his words. "Yo-" seemed like an awfully suspicious thing to stumble over, not to mention the fact that he shouldn't have been able to hear me from where I was. Yordles had better hearing than humans, and yet Heimerdinger looked completely-

Wait.

I lowered my eyelids in a deadpan.

It was a freaking _mirage._

Mirage spells were the easiest disguise spells to pull off, even though they were one of the most convincing. I squinted at the professor's retreating form to see that there was a slight flicker to his movements, as if I was looking at him through stained glass. Unnoticeable to the untrained eye, but relatively easy for anyone who knew what to look for. The odd question was as to why Heimerdinger would even bother with concealing his true appearance in the first place. He was famous back home - why wasn't he popular here? Come to think of it, there was a substantial lack of Yordles in general, which bothered me considerably.

Then again, the whole world was batshit crazy here, so really, why should I be surprised?

"Here we are!" Heimerdinger proudly presented another project to me with open arms. "I think that this will be of great benefit to Clan Medarda, no?"

The wooden outline of a Piltovan ship had been erected on a platform, lacking the necessary planking that was to be expected of a fully functional ship. However, this was just only to serve the purpose of showcasing the four massive engines that were placed at its corners. Each one was powered by Hextech, which was connected to the giant turbines at each end of each engine. There was a faint humming sound emanating from the engines, and they appeared to be individually powered.

"What are they?" I asked.

"Hydraulic Hex-turbines!" He replied cheerily. "They're intended for rough seas, when sails ultimately prove useless. They can also be used for quicker sea travel in general. I imagine that your house would get quite a kick out of them!"

Huh. They weren't my favorite thing in the world, by any means, but they were useful to my profile, at least. They certainly looked creative, more so than the other things I'd seen so far. I walked around the perimeter of the platform the ship was positioned on, trailing a hand across one of the engines. I could feel it vibrating beneath the surface, and it felt more than capable of performing its intended task.

"Hm." I hummed theatrically, making a show out of it. I nodded back at Heimerdinger, pretending to be pleased with what I saw. "Yes, Clan Medarda could find some use out of this. I'll send word to my superiors. I reckon they'll be pleased to hear what I've come up with."

"And what of your achievements?" I asked him. "With someone of your reputation, I'd think you'd have a few surprises up your sleeves."

He blinked at me from underneath his goggles. "I'm not quite sure I understand what you're trying to say. Someone with _my_ reputation? My services are known, to be sure, but I'm not famous by any means."

"Ah, of course." I dipped my head towards him. "My apologies." That was...odd. The Revered Inventor wasn't so revered here? Why the hell not? He was capable of doing the assumedly impossible with only a few facts and figures, and here he wasn't popular at all? "My house finds it imperative to know people of interest, in case there might be a deal to be had."

He raised an eyebrow in suspicion, but didn't push it any further. "Well, to be truthful, I _had_ been planning on bringing some of my latest work in pyrotechnics, but the loss of my assistant threw a wrench in my schedule."

"Your assistant?"

"His name was Zigmund." Heimerdinger said. Ziggs? Assistant? That was new (again). "Good man, but he was far too reckless for his own good. I had to fire him after one of his latest stunts got him into a spot of trouble." He looked down at the floor, looking depressed. "I...can't say for sure where he is now. I can only hope that he's well." Well, getting into trouble sounded like Ziggs, all right. His explosive fetish was almost as serious as Jinx's. He'd mainly had to use his income from the Institute to pay reparations for the innumerable counts of property damage he'd been responsible for. Still, I couldn't help but feel bad for the guy, especially if it was Heimerdinger who fired him. Champions should look out for each other, after all. But there weren't any champions here, so that excuse was null and void.

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that." I said. "He sounded like a good man."

"He was, to some degree." Heimerdinger agreed. "A bit on the psychotic side, but a good chap overall. It was a shame that I had to leave him the way I did."

"Such is the way of business, unfortunately." I replied, meaning not a single word I was saying. "We often have to make sacrifices for the good of the whole."

He snorted. "You would say that, wouldn't you?" He sniffed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Clan Medarda's always had an eye for profit."

"That can be a bit of a flaw sometimes, to be frank." I replied, looking back at the invention on display. "I sometimes wonder if it'd be better to have a bit more compassion in our dealings."

Heimerdinger raised an eyebrow. "That doesn't sound like something a representative of Clan Medarda would say."

I chuckled. "Well, I'm still relatively new to the job. They haven't quite beaten the sentimentality out of me yet, I suppose."

He laughed. "Better enjoy your your while you still can, then! Soon enough you'll be a knotted old rope like me."

We both chuckled at that, then settled into a comfortable silence. We admired the various mechanical wonders around us, watching as a few flying machine prototypes buzzed overhead. "So, if you're not here for the sheer satisfaction of demonstrating your own genius, why are you here?" I asked him.

"It's not for the party that's reserved for the more prestigious folk, if that's what you're wondering." Heimerdinger replied. "They'd never let me in anyways. I could science _circles_ around everyone attending, but without Zigmund to help me with the work, I've fallen a bit behind. That, and my reputation isn't anything to balk at either."

"Have you considered getting a new assistant yet?" I asked. "It may be best to acquire new hired help before it creates a severe negative impact on your research."

"My dear boy, it's _far_ too soon for that!" Heimerdinger exclaimed. "I only fired Zigmund little over a week ago! I couldn't shoulder the guilt if I replaced him so soon!"

I smirked. "That doesn't necessarily mean you aren't considering it."

"I-" He paused, then sighed. "Yes, I suppose I must admit that I've been sorting through my options. I'll get around to selecting a new assistant eventually, and I'd rather be more prepared than not."

"Anyone in particular who catches your eye?" I asked.

"Yes, actually!" Heimerdinger said. "I happened to come across a lady whose intelligence may even rival my own! He can be a bit eccentric sometimes, but I find that to be refreshing." He hummed sadly. "Poor boy's been through an awful lot for his age, though. He lost his arm in a hovercar accident at the age of sixteen, you see."

I stiffened.

He couldn't be here too.

"...Did he, now." I said slowly. "It must've hurt quite a bit."

"Oh yes, I'd imagine so." The disguised Yordle replied. "Said it was the worst thing he'd ever experienced, he did. Said it was like-"

 _-He'd been frozen from the fire that engulfed his arm._ I thought, just as he said it. He wasn't good at describing things in poetic detail. He could get a little dreamy when talking about his girlfriend, but otherwise he was mostly literal.

"What's he look like?" I asked, feeling myself drop into a cold sweat.

"Caucasian, but his hair and eyes are the most bizarre shade of red that I've ever seen." He said. "Interesting tastes in music, too. He often likes to have the radio on while he's working."

I knew it.

 _Well, how about that?_ Ellis's voice echoed in my head. _Didn't think that I was gonna be here too. What are the odds, am I right?_

 _Go away._ I thought. _I'm done dealing with this. I've paid the price for my ignorance._

 _Hey man, I'm not the one who left me to die._ He replied, passive aggressive. _If you don't want to deal with us trashing your self-esteem daily, then don't pull dick moves on your_ friends.

I- ...couldn't argue with that, no matter how badly I wanted to. Maybe that was the problem with all these voices in my head. Until I found a sufficient counter-argument, they'd just keep chipping away at me until I snapped. Well, the joke was on them - I'd _already_ snapped...in a way. I brooded more often, at least. Gods, when was the last time I'd even cracked a decent joke? Well, there was the thing with Star Trek, but even that didn't have the same amount of _oomph_ as it should have.

"Good to know." I nodded awkwardly, trying not to meet Heimerdinger's eyes. "I'll save that information for later." ...Uh, no I wouldn't. What was I saying? Stupid, stupid, _stupid!_ That was going to give him the wrong idea, and I didn't want to have to deal with a conversation like _that._

"I'm afraid I don't follow." Heimerdinger said. "Do you mean to tell me that your house might consider hiring him first?"

"No, no." I waved a hand in his direction. "Slip of the tongue. Forgive me for implying that - it wasn't what I really meant to say."

"Hm." Heimerdinger hummed an awful lot. Scientists tend to do that sort of thing. "Well, if you say so." He pulled out a datapad, and began tapping away at its surface. "Pardon me, but I need to get going. These equations aren't going to solve themselves, you know!"

"It was a pleasure." I gave a small bow, as was customary of the Piltovan elite. "I'll see you some other time, then."

"I should hope so. You seem like a decent fellow." With a wave goodbye, Heimerdinger was off, muttering under his breath as he studied the datapad. His volume suddenly increased when he shouted " _Aha!_ Fourty-two! _I KNEW IT!_...Er...what was the question again?"

I shook my head with a fond smile. Same old Heimerdinger. It was a shame that I hadn't been able to talk with him often back at the Institute. I would've enjoyed it more than I expected.

"Right." I said to myself, looking around the convention hall. "Where shall I head off to next?" I'd have to stick to my profile to make sure I didn't raise suspicion, but I figured that I could at least take a few creative liberties with my position, so long as I balanced it out.

And so I did. I walked around for several hours, asking questions and taking interest in whatever suited my fancy. Occasionally I found something that was actually worth my time, and there were plenty of toys to drool over, but most of the concepts presented went _way_ over my head. I was just lucky that nobody even noticed how clueless I was. I suppose nobody suspects it when you've put on an eloquent accent. Surely the gentleman can't be a fool at the same time? I don't mean to be rude, but if that's all it takes to fool somebody, then good gods, this world was full of oblivious idiots.

"Excuse me - sir?" I felt a hand lightly tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see one of the mansion's butlers standing there, dressed in the typical black suit and bowtie that was customary for the station. "You would be Mr. Holt, yes?"

"I am." I replied, with a dip of my head. "Can I help you?"

"The meeting for the clans is about to start." He said, gesturing towards a Hextech elevator near the wall. Its track went straight up through the ceiling, probably to the upper floors reserved for the clan members. "If you would just follow me while the others are brought to the study, we can proceed."

"Of course." I said. "I imagine that it will be quite an event, no?"

"The clans never fail to deliver." He replied, with a small smile. "Now, shall we?" We most certainly would.

 _Showtime._ I thought to myself.

* * *

The butler referred to the meeting area as the study.

I preferred to think of it as a labyrinth.

It wasn't so much of a study as it was a library the size of the Rift, only instead of one-hundred foot tall trees there were bookshelves of the same height. They just never seemed to end, and as the butler directed me through the maze, I couldn't help but wonder how he managed to keep himself from getting lost. His pay had to be worth a _fortune_ for him to commit like that.

"In here." He said, directing me through a door. "Not everyone has arrived yet, so make yourself at home while you wait."

I stifled an eyeroll. _Again?_ If they wanted me to be there, they should've at least waited until they were _legitimately_ ready. This was always an issue with meetings. Whenever the High Councilor called a meeting of the faction representatives every month, she'd always call us at least an hour before she was actually ready. People need to get the fact that we don't take hours and hours to get anywhere at all. Meetings are the bane of my existence, they really are. Among other things.

I walked in the doorway, and was treated with the sight of an extravagant ballroom. An _extremely_ extravagant ballroom. Magic crystal chandeliers (that's chandeliers using magic crystals - the chandeliers themselves weren't magic), polished marble floors, golden silverware (goldware?) lined up around the tables covered with Ionian silk, you name it and it was there, Piltover-style. The finishing touch came with the house-sized windows that occupied the front of the room, granting a scenic view of Piltover's skyline. It was expensive, yet surprisingly tasteful. It wasn't overdone, despite the glitz and glam, and it actually felt kinda cozy. If you're going to flaunt your wealth, might as well do it with style, right?

There were several guests already present, presumably the representatives of each house. And there were a whole lot of them, too. I wouldn't stick out like a sore thumb, at least. This was an odd place to host a celebration of knowledge, though. The study would've been more appropriate.

None of the guests seemed to take interest at my arrival, which was relieving, but I couldn't help but stick to the edges of the crowd just in case. I was already getting tired of hanging around upper-class nitwits, and I needed to get something for my oncoming migraine. But when in doubt, apply alcohol.

The ballroom had a bar placed over to the left side of the room, which was convenient and a bit strange at the same time. The bartender gave me a small nod as I took a seat, finishing up with the wineglasses he was tending to.

"What can I get you?" He asked.

"Surprise me." I said, as an excuse to avoid my complete lack of knowledge concerning wine. Next time Fiora tried to convince me to go wine-tasting with her and the other femme fatales, I needed to go along with it. "I'm sure that you've got something special in reserve."

"That I do." He winked at me, then went to the back, fetching a few bottles from the shelf. He started to get creative with mixing the drinks, creating a concoction that would probably leave me light-headed and dizzy. Drinking during a heist was probably not the best idea, but screw it, I needed to relax every now and then.

"Here you are." He slid me a glass, filled with a greenish-blue liquid that fizzed. "I think you'll get a right proper kick out of this one."

"Thank you. I'll take your word for it." I said, pulling it up to take a sip. I blinked as soon as the first few drops went down my throat. Uh... _wow._ This was...this was _really_ strong. As good as it tasted, it was better for me to lay off. I wasn't immune to fire anymore (which was nothing short of humiliating), and that included burns. I had to watch myself, otherwise I was going to be too drunk to enact the plan.

"Don't suppose you mind if I drop in, do you?" A juvenile voice next to me suddenly asked, its owner plopping down next to me.

I grinned. "Not at all. Charmed to meet you in person, Ezreal."

"That's what they all say." He smirked, then turned his attention to the bar. "I'll have what he's having."

The bartender nodded, fetching the same bottles from before. "So, not a big fan of parties, are we?" The Prodigal Explorer asked, putting both elbows on the bar.

I shrugged. "I'm only here as a representative for my house. I've never been one for socializing."

"I know exactly how you feel." He agreed. "I'd much rather be out exploring every dusty old tomb and ruin I can find. It's _far_ more exciting than drab places like this."

Hm. Weird. Ezreal sounded a bit more eloquent than I remembered him to be. Maybe it was just the setting? It's best to use formal language when dealing with bureaucrats, after all. But still, it seemed a bit off. Something about it was unsettling.

"I can imagine." I chuckled, hiding my slight twinge of nervousness. "Unfortunately, I'm more of a stay-at-home type. The wilderness doesn't really settle well with me." This wasn't actually a complete lie. It mainly had to do with the emotional trauma Nidalee inflicted on me during my Kumungu days, but I really don't need to remind myself of that period of my life.

"Understandable." Ezreal conceded. "It's not for everyone." He smirked again. "It takes a certain combination of talent, daring and luck to be any sort of good at the job." He leaned back, somehow managing to recline on his stool. "Fortunately for me, I happen to be an expert at all three."

I smiled, though there was a considerable lack of force to it. Uh...what was going on with this guy? That didn't feel like something Ezreal would say. He was cocky sometimes, but he didn't openly flaunt his talent.

"Is that so?" I asked, raising an eyebrow while trying to look amused. "And what sort of benefits do being an expert bring?"

"Well, this gauntlet, for one thing." Ezreal reached down to pat his signature weapon. "It's gotten me out of plenty of tough scrapes. For example, I ventured into a tomb deep in the heart of the Kumungu jungle just three weeks ago..."

As Ezreal began to prattle on not two seconds after I'd met him for the (technically) first time, I gradually began to dip into an inward deadpan. Something about this guy definitely irked me. He wasn't the chill bro type that I remembered him to be, gods no. The absence of the Institute seemed to have had a weird effect on him. He'd been surrounded by people who dwarfed his reputation then, so he'd been pretty humbled by the experience. Now...

"Behind me, the entrance to the tomb caves in completely, releasing a billowing cloud of ancient dust." Ezreal continues, just about to finish his story. I'd been pretending to listen, but really, I couldn't care less. Thank the gods it was over, though-

"I brush the dirt from my clothes, toss my hair out of my eyes with a well-practiced flick and walk away." He says, which was really unnecessary to add. "Another impossible ruin traversed. Another treasure to prove the truth of my daring tales." He smirks. "And all before lunch."

Good gods, this guy was an asshole.

Had he only told me a story? Yes, but still, there was something in the way that he carried himself that made me certain. He'd gone straight to talking about himself when he barely even knew me, and with the way he'd told his story (since when are backup plans _anyone's_ specialty?) put him in a particularly favorable light, which irked me. The old Ezreal was always _thrilled_ if he faced impossible odds, especially if he was at a disadvantage. That always made things more fun.

This Ezreal, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy coming out on top. Not that the old Ezreal didn't. This guy was just more of an asshole about it.

 _Sigh_ Look, you're just gonna have to trust me on this. I imagine that not many of you've had a friend who has an alternate dimension counterpart. You're able to tell the differences pretty quickly.

"Sounds like quite an experience." I said, after I was sure that he was done. "I can't say I'd have been able to handle myself in a situation like that."

"I know." He said. "But that's why I'm me, after all." He took a sip of his drink. "You get to experience the excitement, but none of the danger."

"Ezreal, you're boring the poor man, leave him be." I looked over my shoulder to see Caitlyn and Vi walking over, sitting themselves to my right. "Not everyone has the mental capacity to withstand your inflated ego." Both of them had their weapons on hand, though Caitlyn's rifle was attached to her back, Vi's gauntlets strapped to her thighs. Her strength never failed to amaze me. Simultaneously...

Shit.

Shit shit shit shit _shit._

They just _had_ to be here, didn't they?

 _No, don't show it, pretend that everything's fine._ I thought to myself, sweat beginning to trickle down my neck. I put on a smile at seeing the two of them, acting delighted. I'd at least been wearing my mask when I punched Vi in the stomach. If I was lucky...

Oh, who was I kidding?

"It's fine." Ezreal reassured her. "He's been enjoying it so far." He faltered at seeing my apologetic glance, realizing that I hadn't been enjoying it as much as he thought. His expression became somewhat flinty, and he got up from his stool, taking his drink with him.

"Sorry about Blondie." Vi said, going for the strongest stuff they had available. "He's a bit of a pain sometimes, but he's decent when you're lucky."

"I take it that I was unlucky today, then?" I asked.

"Quite." Caitlyn confirmed, declining to have anything. Smart woman. "He always gets itchy for a spot of conversation after being out in the wilderness for a few months. He can't help but rant about his latest adventures when he returns to civilization."

"And we have to suffer for it." Vi grinned, before downing a massive chug of her drink. "Only one worse than him is _Jayce,_ but we won't have to deal with him for a while." She jerked her head over to where the Defender of Tomorrow was courting a few of the female representatives. He was as skilled at sweet-talking as I remembered him to be, judging by how the ladies swooned.

"He seems to be quite the charmer." I raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Are you sure we're referring to the same Jayce?"

Vi laughed. "That's only when he _wants_ to look good. Most of the time he's an ass."

I looked over at Caitlyn for her opinion. She shrugged, basically confirming it.

"He means well, but he doesn't have any tolerance for people who aren't on his intellectual level." She elaborated. "The only person he ever got along with was Viktor, before he, well..."

A warning signal flashed in my brain. That had been awfully specific. For anyone else, it wouldn't have been anything noteworthy, but I knew Cait. She was good at playing mind games. It could've been nothing, but...

"I heard." I replied, propping my cheek on one fist. "Trading a partnership for fame and fortune doesn't sound all that bad, though."

"Yeah? That's your take on it, huh?" Vi asked. "Which house are you from?"

"Clan Medarda." I replied.

"That explains it." She grunted. "Can't talk about anything without including money, can you?"

I shrugged. "I suppose they've hammered it into me. I'm relatively new to the position, so I must admit that I haven't quite perfected the art of rhetoric yet."

"The what?"

"He means he doesn't know how to talk to people properly yet, Vi." Caitlyn rolled her eyes.

"Then speak in a language I can understand." She deadpanned. The Sheriff just shook her head in response, exasperated.

"So, might I ask as to what you two are doing at an establishment like this?" I asked. "I would think that Piltover's Finest would have better things to do than attend events like this."

"Tell me about it." Vi huffed, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. "I'd rather be bashing heads in, but _nooooooo!_ Nobody wanted to leave me at the station by myself!"

"That's because every time we do, you break something." Caitlyn replied.

" _One time._ " Vi pouted in response.

"And what about you?" Caitlyn asked me. "What business would you have in a place like this?"

What? I thought she already knew why I was here. "I'm afraid I don't follow." I said, confused. "I'm a representative of Clan Medarda. It's mandatory that I attend."

"Really?" She said. "I don't recall seeing you on the list."

"I wasn't aware that there _was_ a list." I frowned. "The higher-ups keep track of us?"

"They do indeed." She replied. "It's to make sure that there aren't any uninvited guests to these kinds of events, you see." Her eyes narrowed. "It's not something that's taken lightly."

...Shit.

"Well, like I said earlier, I _am_ new to the position." My gaze slowly hardened, fingers tensing on the bar. "It could be that I was added to the list after you referred to it. When was the last time you checked it?"

"Five minutes before we sat down to talk to you." Caitlyn replied.

Damn it. Damn it _all._

I was _so close,_ and I'd been praying to all the gods that I wouldn't have to deal with something like this until _after_ I'd stolen the gauntlet and hammer.

I was silent, deciding not to reply. Vi looked confused, but you could see in her eyes that it was slowly becoming apparent that something was wrong. Her fingers twitched as they held her glass, which meant that she was getting ready to hit something. Most likely _me._

I weighed all my options, trying to figure out how much longer I should try to keep up the act.

"I also couldn't help but notice the color of your eye." She continued. "That's a rather interesting shade of orange."

I paused. "I was born with it. If you're unsettled by its appearance, it's something out of my control."

"Oh, it's no problem at all." She said. "But it _does_ look somewhat...familiar." She turned back to Vi. "Vi, remember how that one civilian punched you in the stomach a few days ago?"

Her eyes lit up with recognition. " _Yeah._ " She growled. "Didn't he have an orange eye too?" _Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit._ I hadn't worn my goggles that time! I'd completely forgotten!

"Why, I think he did!" Caitlyn mockingly exclaimed, looking back at me accusingly. "What a bizarre coincidence, wouldn't you say, Mr. Holt?" When had she found out my fake name? She was beginning to freak me out.

The air was loaded with tension.

My eyes shifted to the Sheriff's rifle for a fraction of a second.

She didn't miss it.

Her hand started to slide down the barrel, reaching for the stock.

Vi slid one hand into the glove of her gauntlet.

My fingers twitched.

The two officers began to ease themselves off their stools, preparing to pounce.

I narrowed my eyes.

And then sighed.

"Dammit." I said, in my regular, actual accent. "I guess I should've seen this coming." I nodded at the both of them. "Kudos to you for figuring me out, though. You're as smart as ever, I see."

"Who are you?" Caitlyn asked. Nobody had noticed us yet, but that wouldn't be true for very long.

"No one important." I replied. "I'll be gone long before you find out, anyways."

"Why are you here?" Was her next question.

"I'm here for the gauntlet." I nodded at Ezreal, who was busy regaling his "daring tales" to anyone who would listen. There wasn't anyone available. "And the hammer." I jerked my head at Jayce, who was still buttering up the ladies. "The crystals inside both of them are worth a lot to me."

"Why? What do you want with them?"

"To save lives." I replied, meeting her hard stare with one of my own. "And to kill someone."

"Murder's a criminal offense here, Mr. Holt." Caitlyn replied, using my fake persona snidely. "I don't know if you're aware of that, but you'll be tried if you're going to attempt it."

"Oh, it's not murder." I said. "She has it coming. She's a very bad person herself, you know."

"I don't care." She replied. "We're bringing you in."

" _Listen._ " I said, somewhat urgently. "I'm not doing this for selfish reasons. I'm doing this because there are people who _need_ my help, and the only way I can help is using those crystals. If I don't get them, people will _die._ "

 ** _B  
O  
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M  
!_**

The building shook, as the room was suddenly illuminated by an explosion the size of an entire city square. It erupted right outside the ballroom window, reducing multiple buildings to rubble.

 _ **B  
**_ _ **O  
**_ _ **O  
M**_

 ** _B  
O  
O  
M  
_**

 ** _B  
O  
O  
M_**

 ** _B  
O  
O  
M_**

 ** _B  
O  
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!_**

Five more explosions followed, each one bigger than the last. The ballroom's occupants cried out in shock at seeing the city devolve into chaos so suddenly, watching as the skyline erupted into flames.

"...Like that, for instance." I said.

Well. How about that.

Urgot came through on his end of the bargain.

And so begins a fruitful partnership.

I had a split second to act before the two of them subdued me.

My hand whipped my glass across the bar, causing it to shatter squarely on Caitlyn's face. She cried out with pain, falling to the floor as she clutched at her face, which was now soaked with alcohol and her own blood. Vi primed her gauntlets and leapt up to challenge me, but a well-placed kick to her groin staggered her before she made it.

...What? I'm not going to fight fair. Chivalry's dead, as they say. If I want to live, I have to fight dirty.

And then I was sprinting across the ballroom floor, running straight for Ezreal and my prize.

I jumped up just as he saw me coming. He tried to concentrate, but by then I was already twisting midair, striking out with my leg. My foot whipped him across the face, and he fell to the floor in a daze.

I pounced while he was vulnerable, bringing my boot down on his arm. I felt the bones break underneath my heel, and I couldn't deny the satisfaction it brought me. It felt _good._ As Ezreal whined like a toddler at having his arm broken, I pried the gauntlet off of his hand, securing it to my own. The only reason it was able to fit (implants in my hands, and all that) was because the gauntlet could be opened, and fastened around the wrist.

"Okay." I said to myself, looking up to see Jayce aiming his hammer right at me. It was in its Mercury Cannon configuration, charging up a blast of electricity. "How did Ez say this thing worked again?"

Concentrating was a part of it, right? That was what he said. Just concentrate on where I wanted to go, keep that picture in my head, and then the gauntlet would do the rest.

So I concentrated. I knew where I wanted to be, and that was right behind Jayce, with an energy bolt aimed at his spine.

My body shimmered sky-blue. There was a bright flash, and suddenly I was behind him, the gauntlet charged up as I wanted.

Nifty.

I aimed it right in the center of his spine, feeling the mana build up in my hand and then-

There was never any opportunity to strike.

A dark blur came at me from the side, and I noticed it just in time to jerk my head back. Pain flared up in my cheek as I felt something sharp slice through the skin. That would scar for sure, if it healed before I got home.

Unfortunately for me, this gave Jayce just enough time to turn around and nail me square in the chest with the Shock Blast he'd been charging up.

The force generated threw me through the windows, shattering the glass as I tumbled across the balcony. I felt my ribs crack as I smacked against the balcony, coming to an abrupt halt.

"Dear me." A feminine voice laced with machinery said. "Boys don't seem to have proper manners these days, do they?"

Aw, _hell._

I groaned as I propped myself up on my hands and knees. Urgot was still wreaking havoc, and the explosions were an absolute monstrosity to my ears now that I was outside. It was kinda bright too, since it was dark.

So much for the plan.

 _ **B  
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M  
!**_

Urgot set off another explosion, rubble flying right over my head and through the windows. I heard the guests shriek as they ducked under the tables, desperately trying to avoid being collateral damage.

"Dammit, Urgot." I said through clenched teeth, trying to ignore the searing pain in my ribs. "This is way too much, even for y-"

I stopped.

Suddenly, nothing mattered.

The explosions were only white noise, the advancing Steel Shadow all but forgotten. It was if the world had slipped away, becoming naught but a dream.

Why?

Easy.

Piltover has numerous public display screens throughout the city, displaying the news and latest political developments worldwide. It's one of the reasons why Piltover's always at the front of the pack when it comes to advancing knowledge - its residents are always well-informed of anything happening anywhere.

As I turned my head to the side in a motion to scold Urgot for his recklessness (even though he wasn't there), my gaze fell upon one such display.

And the latest piece of news, which had only been displayed five minutes ago, only said this:

 _DEMACIA CITY DESTROYED IN CATACLYSMIC EXPLOSION  
CAUSE UNKNOWN  
NO SURVIVORS CURRENTLY DOCUMENTED_

* * *

 _ **Oh my.**_


	52. I Shouldn't Have Invited the Crab

_**So, here we are again. Sorry that I didn't update last week; I had school stuff to work on, and I was too drained to muster up enough energy to write. Last chapter, I revealed that Demacia just got blown up, and as you can probably guess, Helios is going to be hightailing it over there after he makes his great escape from Camille and the other Piltovan champions. From that point onwards, I have two options for this chapter. One, I can just have him make it to Demacia next chapter, depending on how long this one takes, or two, I can get him to Demacia this chapter, where another surprise is in store. Let's just see where this goes, eh? I probably should've put more thought into this fic...heh heh heh...oh, I can't wait to finish this thing. NOW WITHOUT FURTHER ADO HERE WE GO!**_

* * *

What?

 _What?_

As my mind reeled from shock, it occurred to me that I hadn't even considered the fact that Demacia may have still been a world power in this universe. I was too busy with trying to find a way to get home that the thought had easily slipped my mind. And once again, I was so slow on the draw that it was too late once I got the general gist of things.

And if Demacia existed here too...then that could mean Shyvana was too.

Oh, _gods._

"You'd better have a good reason for interrupting the festivities." Camille said, staring down at me with her hands folded behind her back. She appeared to be unfazed by the explosions raging throughout the city square, taking them in with an exasperated air. "It'll only take a few weeks to make reparations for the damages, but I'm not going to overlook someone being inconsiderate, even when it isn't inconvenient."

I didn't reply, staring at the screen. It was still displaying the news of Demacia City's destruction, the only thing that I could think about. How many people had died? Demacia City had a population of tens of millions; did that mean _all_ of them were dead? Was Shyvana safe? What about Jarvan, Garen and Lux? What had happened to _them?_ _No survivors currently documented?_ That had to be a mistake, right? If it'd only happened five minutes ago, then their information could've been inaccurate. How would they even know so fast, anyways?

I knew, deep down, that Piltover had the most efficient methods of gathering information in the world - _both_ of them - but I didn't want to believe what I was seeing. My family could _not_ have just died out so suddenly. Absolutely _not._

And suddenly, my leg was on fire.

I screamed as I felt Camille stamp down on my thigh, piercing the skin effortlessly. "You. Boy. I asked you a question." The Steel Shadow said. "It's rude to ignore a lady when she's talking to you."

"Technically-" I hissed, biting down on my lip and gritting my teeth as the pain licked over me in waves. " _Technically-_ you didn't ask me _anything-_ "

I lolled my head backwards in a silent scream as Camille twisted her leg ever-so-slightly, widening the wound in my leg. "Don't talk back to your elders." She said, disregarding my discomfort. "I don't care much for smart alecks."

Her eyes drifted down to Ezreal's gauntlet, which was still on my arm. "You successfully utilized the gauntlet's capabilities. And on the first try." She twisted again, making me scream harder. "How?"

"He... _taught_ me-" I cursed, feeling my leg go numb. "He showed me himself."

Camille looked back at Ezreal with a raised eyebrow. "Is this true?"

He shook his head, confused. "I've never met him before today."

She held his gaze for a few seconds more, narrowing her eyes. Ezreal gulped, fiddling with his collar.

"You're not lying." She noted, and the Prodigal Explorer sighed with relief in reply. Well, it seemed that Camille's fearsome reputation certainly hadn't dwindled. Shame, it would've been all the better for me if it had.

"And yet, neither are you." She looked back down at me. "There's more to _you_ than you're letting on."

If only she knew. Damn it, I needed to get _out_ of here. Where the _hell_ was Warwick when you needed him? I couldn't have cared _less_ about getting back home then - not when there was something else that required my immediate attention. It was just one curveball after another, wasn't it? I would've sighed with exasperation, had I not been so worried.

My gaze flicked to the display for only a fraction of a second. It was all Camille needed to start making observations.

"Well." She said, finally noticing the headline. "Isn't _that_ interesting?" She glanced back down at me, noticing my expression. "You seem worried. Why could _that_ be, I wonder?"

I wanted to answer, but I was slowly bleeding out, which hurts a lot more than one would anticipate. Damn Camille and her intelligence. She was about as sharp as an unexpected floor tac. She didn't look like she was going to let up with her interrogation, either.

" _A few._ " I said, followed by another slew of curses, some aimed in Camille's direction (she was unabashed when faced with most things, so I figured that I could push my luck just a smidge).

"This is related to the hammer and the gauntlet." Camille said, with more certainty than not. "You predicted this would happen?"

"Yes and...no." I replied. "But that doesn't- _ngh -_ matter. Not anymore."

"I think it does." Camille twisted her leg even harder, and this time the world faded to white before I regained my senses. "You're bleeding out. You can either start talking and spend the rest of your life incarcerated, or keep quiet and lose your pride _and_ your head simultaneously."

 _ **B  
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!**_

Camille staggered as an explosion suddenly rocked the ballroom, her leg coming loose from my thigh. Urgot had aimed an explosive round directly over our heads, raining debris down from above. I winced as several chunks of marble came close to smashing my head in, forcing me to roll out of the way despite the gaping wound in my leg. Camille, on the other hand, gracefully backflipped away, with as much poise and effortlessness as was to be expected of her. There was a faint _chink_ from behind, and I looked to see two giant hooks embed themselves into the railing, attached to a thick set of chains. The clanking whir of a crank soon followed, hauling Urgot up the wall despite his assumedly unbearable weight.

"Took you long enough." I said, sitting up. "I was beginning to think you wouldn't show up." I ripped off a piece of my sash with my teeth, using it to bandage my wounds.

" _ **I only accepted out of curiosity.**_ " Urgot replied. " ** _I doubt that a scrawny little thing like you would be able to make good on such an offer._** "

Urgot whipped his head back to the ballroom as he heard Caitlyn prep a shot, lining up her crosshairs with his forehead. He fired a gas canister in the fraction of a second afterwards, filling the entire ballroom with poisonous gas. "Everybody out!" The Sheriff commanded. She shielded her eyes and mouth as she began to cough profusely, the rest of the room's occupants following her example save for Camille, who naturally didn't need to breath. Caitlyn pulled a switch on the wall before leaving, and an alarm blared through hidden speakers in the walls. I heard a momentous rumbling as the mansion's occupants evacuated en masse, which would give the police ample room to take us down.

"Damn it Urgot, we need the hammer!" I said, watching helplessly as Jayce ran to exit the building. "Without the hammer, we're screwed!"

Urgot grunted. " ** _You'd better get it, then._** "

"Me?" I echoed, dumbfounded. "What do you expect _me_ to do when I'm outnumbered ten to one?"

He looked down at me, unabashed. " _ **I expect you to retrieve the hammer. Need I repeat myself again?**_ "

I sighed, frustrated yet defeated. "Fine. I'll do my best, but if I get in a heap of trouble, I expect you to help me out."

" _ **I'm not going to coddle you and hold your hand, boy.**_ " Urgot replied. " _ **Do it yourself. I'll know if you're being honest if you succeed.**_ "

"What?"

He rolled his eyes. " _ **Do I** really **need to spoonfeed it to you?**_ " He dragged me to my feet (which luckily didn't hurt, due to the miracles of Viktor's modifications), then pointed in the direction of the door. " _ **If you can't so much as handle a few Piltovan rats, then why should I believe you'll be able to grant me my revenge?**_ "

...Oh. Now I got it. Great, another test. He and Illaoi would get along _so_ well. The thought brought a twinge of humor to mind. I couldn't help but wonder how Illaoi was faring, back on my world. Selene might've been able to best _me_ , but the Kraken Priestess would be a bit more difficult to wear down. Sheer stubbornness has its perks.

" _ **Now that I've gotten through to you on a pathetically simple concept,** duck._" He commanded, grabbing me by my shirt and tossing me aside. I was but a hairsbreadth away from inhaling Urgot's gas, which would've been a tad bit inconvenient. I looked up to see that Camille had lashed out with her legs, slicing Urgot across the middle. The blow sliced clean through his armor, drawing a sufficient amount of blood, but the chestplate's thickness had prevented the wound from being lethal.

"Don't go and forget about me so easily, boys." Camille said, holding one bladed knee up as she prepared to strike. "I'd hate to feel neglected."

" _ **Go.**_ " Urgot said. " ** _I will handle her._** "

"Will you, now?" She snorted. Grapple lines suddenly shot out of her legs, pulling her to the wall. She bounced off, then kicked out with both legs, and the Dreadnought (I am _killing it_ with these nicknames) only barely managed to avoid getting his one good arm severed. "I think you'll find that I'm a bit too much for you to bear."

She sprang, but Urgot was quicker this time, blasting forward like he had when Warwick and I first fought him. He latched onto Camille's face and threw her overhead, but she flipped midair and landed on her feet.

" _ **My my, what** have **they been up to here in Piltover?**_ " Urgot asked. " _ **I must admit, I have a thing for...** legs._"

"Why don't you come take a closer look, then?" Camille asked. "You can watch as I cut out your eyes."

" _ **You can try.**_ " Urgot replied, advancing on her with his front knees blasting. The two of them began their own erratic dance, weaving around each other while trading blows and insults. ...It...almost looked like the way Katarina and Garen used to fight, before they started going out.

...Hopefully I was just imagining things.

Shaking myself out of my stupor, I ran over to the railing just as the guests exited the building, flooding out into the streets. Caitlyn had already called in the cavalry, hovercars descending from the skies to surround the area. I knew this was going to happen, but that didn't make it any less of a pain.

I sighed, rolling my eyes. I took a few steps back, checking to make sure my leg was decent, then broke out into a sprint, leaping over the edge. I fell for a few seconds, then latched onto another balcony, cursing as I felt the strain on my arms. I inched my way over to the wall, then scaled down the building, making light hops from handhold to handhold.

I reached out to grab onto the head of a stone gargoyle perched on a ledge, then jerked it back as it exploded. " _Shit!_ " I exclaimed, turning my head back to see Caitlyn loading another shot into her rifle. "Oh, you have _got_ to be kidding me." I said, climbing straight down. As a few shots nicked the wall beside me, I randomized the pattern of my descent, going in zigzag lines or horizontally across. I could tell that she was getting frustrated, because her aim was becoming less and less focused, trying to aim faster instead of aim smarter.

I hit the ground, ducking behind the wreckage of a hovercar that Urgot wrecked. The Piltover Police Department started concentrating fire on my position, riddling the car with bullet holes. _Okay..._ I thought, checking the gauntlet on my arm. _Let's see if this thing actually works._ I peeked out from behind the car and fired of a blast of arcane energy, hitting an officer dead-center. I ducked right back behind the car as a spray of bullets screeched my way in reply, gradually tearing my cover to bits.

A faint blue glow from behind me alerted me to Jayce charging up his hammer. I dove out of cover, ignoring the hailstorm of bullets as Jayce's Shock Blast tore the car apart. I ran as fast as I could, ducking behind another car. "You know, this would be a lot easier if you'd just let me have the hammer!" I called, over the thundering gunfire.

"And why would I give it to you? A common criminal?" Jayce replied, charging up another Shock Blast. I fired another blast his way, though, which forced him to cancel the shot and retreat behind Caitlyn's own squad car. The cost of reparations was probably nothing to shrug at, either. Whoopsies.

"What makes you think I'm _common?_ " I shot back. "I _did_ manage to steal this gauntlet, didn't I? I almost killed you with it, too!"

"You were stupid to try!" Jayce said. "You didn't think, which would've done a lot more for you if you had!"

"Oh, _shut up!_ " I shouted. "I'm not in the mood for your shit right now!"

"Only because you won't surrender!" He said. "Did Viktor send you?"

"Yeah! So what?" I replied. "At least he isn't an ass like you!"

"Are you joking? He's _worse!_ " Jayce said. "If he had it his way, we'd all be his slaves!"

"What kind of bullshit are you going on about?" I replied. "He's trying to _save_ lives, not _enslave_ them, you dumbass!"

"Let me guess - he went on about his _Glorious Revolution?_ " He asked. "You can't honestly believe that what he wants is a good thing!"

"He doesn't even _call_ it that!" I retorted, popping out to fire another arcane blast, which missed. "It's not his fault if people turn his beliefs into a _cult!_ Believe me when I say that I've got experience with that kind of thing! All anyone can do in that situation is the best they can to fix things!"

"By turning people into _machines?_ " Jayce asked, twisting a nob on his hammer. It let out a shrill whine, gears churning furiously. Jayce began firing shots at three rounds per second, and I felt the surface of the car turn hot. I leapt out of the way just as it _exploded,_ throwing shrapnel and scrap metal in every direction. This time my cover was a statue of the head of Clan Giopora, whose name was never of any importance to me. It was bigger than the cars, and more durable, but it probably wouldn't last any longer. "How can society be better when there isn't free will to accompany it?"

"When did he _ever_ say that he wanted to eliminate free will?" I asked, hurling a volley of energy bolts in his direction. "He just wants to get rid of the emotions holding humanity back! He's actually a pretty decent guy once you get to know him! I get that it isn't easy, but still!"

"Did he mention how he tried to kill me?" Jayce replied. "He wanted the crystal that powered this hammer, and when I wouldn't give it to him he took it by force. Then he tried to kill me when I took it back."

"Eh, to be fair I'd probably do the same thing." I muttered to myself. "You don't seem like someone worth saving anyways." I raised my voice so that he could hear, ducking as a bullet from Caitlyn's rifle whizzed past my ear. "Did he tell you _why_ he stole the crystal when you wouldn't give it to you?"

"Because he's a psychopath who lacks a moral compass, that's why." He said.

"Oh, for _gods' sake_ -" I poked my head out of cover. " _HE WAS TRYING TO SAVE LIVES, ASSHOLE!_ _HE HAD PEOPLE IN HIS CARE WHO NEEDED THAT CRYSTAL TO SURVIVE, BUT THEY **DIED** WHEN YOU SMASHED HIS WORKSHOP!_"

Jayce didn't reply, shellshocked. "He...what?"

"Unbelievable." I sighed. " _This_ is the guy they call 'The Defender of Tomorrow' here?"

I needed a distraction, just to buy enough time to call in reinforcements. A hovercar parked about half a block behind the officers would do the trick, assuming Hextech could even be overloaded with magic. I took aim, feeling the particles sing as the gauntlet glowed, then fired, piercing the engine block. The car exploded, sending shockwaves throughout the square. The PPD shielded themselves in response, and while their attention was diverted I snuck to the main doorway of the mansion, hiding behind a pillar.

I pressed a hand to my comm, waiting for someone to pick up. " _You seem to be having fun._ " Viktor noted on the other end. " _Having a chat with my old classmate, are we?_ "

"Can it Viktor, not now." I snapped. "There's been a change in the plan. Where's Warwick?"

" _En route to your position now._ " He replied. " _Can you get the hammer without him?_ "

"What do _you_ think? _No!_ " I said. "I have the entire PPD on my ass, and Jayce alongside them! Just tell him to get the hammer, get _me_ and get _out._ "

Viktor disconnected, and for a few painful seconds I heard the PPD call out search patterns, when they realized that I wasn't where I'd previously been. Vi smashed the statue just to be sure, much to Cait's chagrin. It was so nostalgic that I almost wanted to laugh. But then I'd die, so...yeah.

" _Done._ " Viktor replied, reconnecting after what felt like an eternity. " _What about Urgot?_ "

" _Shh!_ " I hissed quietly. " _They're looking for me._ "

" _Noted. Warwick's close, and should be arriving at your position now._ " He said. " _Try not to get yourself killed. If you die, then I won't have anywhere to run._ " Oh. Right. I'd flat-out told Jayce that I was working with him. That was...reckless of me.

 _ **HROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAR!**_

A thundering howl from behind the pillar told me all I needed to know. Cries of shock rang out as Warwick engaged the PPD, along with a startled grunt from Jayce as the werewolf assumedly tackled him. A patch of grey blurred into view to my left, and then Warwick was standing in front of me, gripping Jayce's hammer in his jaws. He also had the Z-Drive strapped to his back, and I took it off to make room for the hammer. I strapped the chain to my waist, holding the bat in my right hand. Now that I was armed with _two_ magical weapons of mass destruction, this would hopefully be just a tiny bit easier.

"Run." I said, and the two of us bolted inside, the PPD and Jayce in hot pursuit not two seconds after. Warwick suddenly grabbed onto me with his augmented arm, tossing me onto his back and dropping to all fours. His speed dramatically increased despite the extra weight, and we were able to narrowly avoid the bullets flying our way as we darted around the empty hall.

"So, how are we getting out of _this_ one?" I asked him, turning around to hurl one of Ekko's time bombs. Most of the officers, including the Piltovan champions, swerved out of the way, but a few unlucky souls got caught in the blast radius, trapped in a distortion field which slowed down time around them. When it exploded, they fell apart in slow motion. _Ew._ "It occurs to me that I didn't think to ask about the escape plan."

" _Viktor's got an airship docked at the port._ " Warwick replied, panting heavily as he ran. " _He's waiting there now._ "

"And how far away are we from said port?" I asked.

"C _lose enough._ " Warwick said. " _We might get there in time if we're lucky._ "

I sighed. "Just another day in the neighborhood, then."

" _Looks like it._ " He agreed. " _Not a bad day to die._ "

"I'd like to disagree, considering that I have a _lot_ riding on me getting back home, but sure, yeah, let's go with that." I muttered, rolling my eyes.

" _I heard that._ "

"Shut up, Furball. Nobody asked for your opinion."

Warwick snarled at my jibe, but didn't give a full reply, coiling his legs and springing to the second floor balcony. He smashed through the nearest window and jumped, landing on the wall of a building across the street. He scrambled for purchase with his claws, pulling both of us upward once he did. And then just like that, we were flying across the rooftops once again, just like we'd done in the dark depths of Zaun.

The port Warwick had described wasn't that far away in terms of actual distance, but when considering the officers hot on our tail, it seemed _way_ too far. It was dark out, but our silhouettes stood out like a sore thumb against the bright lights of the city. We were moving so fast that the constant blur of the city lights was almost disorienting, but the PPD never seemed to be too far behind. Of course, they had hovercars on hand, so it wasn't like it was too difficult. Case in point: the gigantic spotlights they placed on us so that they had clear visibility.

"Why exactly are we using an _airship_ to escape?" I asked. "Don't get me wrong, it's fast enough for what I have in mind, but if _all_ the Piltovan champions are here, then that means Corki's going to be able to shoot us right out of the sky."

" _Urgot already took care of that._ " Warwick replied. " _The docking station for the Screaming Yipsnakes was the first thing he leveled when he answered our call._ "

"Perfect!" I replied, taking aim at a nearby chopper. The shot knocked off its tail rotor, and the _whup-whup-whup_ of its main blades went faster as the vehicle tried to stay upright. It spun out of control, disappearing behind another building as it descended. The crash sent a giant mushroom cloud up into the sky, briefly illuminating the entire city in fiery red. Well, great. If our position hadn't been obvious before, it sure as hell was _now._

" _Would you stop **killing things?**_ " Warwick asked irritably. " _They're going to want to shoot us instead of arrest us now!_ "

"Oh, like they weren't planning on that already!" I shot back, tossing a Timewinder grenade back behind us. "In case you didn't notice, those are _bullets_ they're firing at us, not beanbags!"

" _You don't say._ " Warwick growled. " _I never could've guessed._ "

" _While listening to you two bicker has been one of the highlights of my evening, I'd like to suggest that you focus instead._ " Viktor said through our comms. " _The police haven't spotted me on the airship yet, but when they do you need to be here. Otherwise we're not going to be dimension-hopping anytime soon._ "

"We're not doing it yet anyways!" I replied. "Can the airship fly all the way to Demacia City without running out of fuel?"

" _Demacia?_ " Viktor echoed. " _Why would you want to go there of all places? It might be home to the alternate versions of your family, granted, but there's no real reason to make a visit._ "

"Why don't you check the newsfeed?" I replied. "Then you'll see what I'm so worried about."

" _What-_ " He paused, going silent again. He was presumably doing as I requested. " _...Oh. Oh **my.**_ "

" _What?_ " Warwick asked.

"Look to your right." I said, shakily pointing at a display screen as we flew past it.

He saw the headlines, eyes widening with shock before refocusing on the way forward. " _That makes things harder, then._ " Warwick said.

" _Not necessarily._ " Viktor replied. " _We can choose to ignore it and continue as planned, which would be a much safer option overall._ "

"Are you shitting me? _Hell no._ " I snapped back. "I'm not going to turn a blind eye when something like this happens, Viktor - regardless of where it is."

" _We're far too pressed for time, Helios._ " He said. " _The longer we wait to activate my device, the more time Piltover's law enforcement will have to track us. They're zealous in pursuing revenge; we might not be able to succeed at all if we do this._ "

" _I don't care!_ " I shouted. "I already failed them once. I can't do nothing and ignore them now. I _won't._ "

" _Urgot won't like-_ "

"Viktor. _Please._ "

My plea was quiet, almost a mere whimper, but he heard it nonetheless. "I haven't seen them in so long." I said. "If nothing else, just give me this."

The cyborg sighed. " _You realize that we'll be going in blind, possibly to our deaths. Demacia City was leveled in **one blast.** Who's to say that the same won't be true for us?_"

"Impossible odds are the norm for me, Viktor." I replied. "I'm willing to take that chance. What do I have left to lose?"

" _Very well._ " He said. " _I'll make the necessary preparations._ "

"Thank you." I replied. "This means a lot."

" _It better._ " Viktor huffed. " _Otherwise this is a fool's errand, and we're all going to die._ "

"Happy thoughts, Viktor." I said. "They'll do a better job of keeping us alive." He chuckled in response, to which I offered a wry smile. It wasn't quite as funny as the way things used to be, but it was a start.

The port was close now. It was _very_ close. If I didn't know any better, I would've remarked that we were going to make it. Warwick jumped down, hitting the ground just before reaching the docks. He stopped, allowing me to dismount, and the two of us continued onwards from there.

I could see the airship, too. It wasn't anything special - just a fair-sized blimp that had been augmented with Hextech. It would be pretty cramped once Urgot joined us - assuming Camille hadn't killed him - but I was willing to put up with it. It was better than nothing, at least.

"Quickly! Climb aboard!" Viktor called, waving us over from the helm. "We haven't a moment to waste!"

The three of us ducked as a spray of gunfire was sent in our direction, ricocheting off the walls and floor. "You know how to fly this thing, right?" I asked. "Because if you don't we're screwed."

"I've read the instructions manual from cover to cover numerous times." He replied. "There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to operate it."

"You read the-" I groaned. "You _do_ know that there's a massive difference between reading about something and actually doing it, don't you? Or did your superior robot brain fail to consider that?"

"Helios, with all due respect, _shut up._ " He said, hurriedly working the controls. "If I'm going to get this machine working, I need to be able to concentrate." Yeah, like it wasn't just some excuse to get me to shut up. It was working, granted, but it didn't make me feel any better.

"Ngh!" Viktor stumbled as a bullet grazed the side of his mask. "Will you _deal with them?_ If a bullet lands right between my eyes, it will become rather difficult for me to get us airborne."

"What do you expect me to do, just run out there?" I replied. "Sure, maybe if I wave my arms and scream real loud they'll focus on me, but why the hell would I want to commit suicide?"

"Because if you don't _do something,_ we are all going to _die._ " Viktor seethed.

"Why couldn't my hired help nicer?" I muttered. "Alright Viktor, _fine._ What do you want us to-"

 ** _B  
A  
N  
G  
!_**

 ** _FSSSSSSSSSH!_**

There was a loud _pop,_ bearing the force of a sonic boom. The three of us covered our ears, then looked up once they stopped ringing. Caitlyn had blown a hole in the airship's balloon, and air was rapidly beginning to leak out. If it emptied all the way, we wouldn't be going anywhere.

"I don't suppose you have anything to see with, do you?" I asked.

"No. I do not." He replied.

"Great, so we're dead then? It's all over?" I asked.

"Not quite." He grabbed his third arm with one hand, twisting a nozzle on the palm. A small metal cylinder popped out, glowing orange on one end. "Use this to seal the hole in the balloon."

"You want me to _laser_ it shut?" I stared at it blankly. "Have you forgotten the fact that lasers tend to make stuff catch fire?"

"Not this one." He replied. "On a very low setting, it will only release a minimum amount of energy. It should be enough to fix our problem."

"Welp, I guess I don't have another option anyways." I said. "Warwick, can you cover me?"

" _Not a problem._ " He replied, leaping over the control board and charging straight towards the assault team. They quickly scattered in response, fleeing desperately from his jaws. The only ones who didn't flee were Caitlyn and Vi, who met him head-on. Warwick was going to have his work cut out for him.

I winced at the matchup, but nothing could be done. He only needed to buy time, which I was wasting by just standing there. Placing the rod in between my teeth, I climbed up the side of the airship, crawling across the rigging holding the balloon in place. It was already half-deflated, air rushing out from the gaping hole in its side.

Once I'd positioned myself above it, I quickly realized my problem. I only had two hands, and the balloon was flapping wildly in the wind. I was going to have to pull off a _very_ risky position if I wanted to fix the seams.

"Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down..." I muttered, slightly muffled as I gripped the ends of the hole with one hand. I rooted my feet to the rigging, leaning back and taking the laser from in between my teeth. Pulling the ends together with my fingers, I began to burn the hole shut, cauterizing the artificial wound. Viktor was right - the beam was so small that there was hardly any heat, only hot enough to work at its focused point. That was handy.

I glanced to my right. Warwick was still fighting, ducking away from Vi's gauntlets and retaliating with a flurry of swipes with his claws. He was fast, but her gauntlets were durable, and they were more than adequate enough to serve as a shield. She raised them up to deflect another swing, then struck back with an uppercut to the werewolf's jaw, sending him flying. Ouch. He'd probably just broken his jaw.

Warwick, to no surprise, got up anyways, the chamber on his back blazing orange as his anger overtook him. Vi quickly realized her mistake, shielding her face with her gauntlets as he rained down blow after blow after blow.

But wait. Where was Cait? She'd been there just a minute ago. She couldn't have just disappear-

 _Click._

I looked up to see her perched on the roof of a building behind Vi, her rifle aimed right between my eyes.

 ** _B  
A  
N  
G  
!_**

By all the gods, if my reflexes hadn't saved me (I silently promised that I was going to make Nidalee a goddess once I got my powers back, she was a _lifesaver_ ), my brains would've splattered all over the docks. Instead, I jerked my head backwards at the last second, dodging the bullet. Only, not quite. While it didn't hit me directly, I was a bit too slow in avoiding its trajectory, and a searing skidmark of pain suddenly appeared across my forehead.

Oh, _gods_ it hurt! I almost fell off the balloon, which would've made it hurt a whole lot worse. And the worst part? I was practically blind. Face wounds bleed a _lot,_ and the angle I was facing meant that my blood trickled down into my eyes. And unlike water, it _stings_ when you get blood in your eyes.

I frantically wiped the blood away as it obscured my vision, trying to focus on patching up the balloon. I was about halfway through, but this was taking too long. Dammit, why did things always go wrong for me? What happened to the months of being overpowered that I experienced back at the Institute? Gods, I missed those days.

A series of gunshots followed by a pained whimper told me that Caitlyn had now focused on Warwick, intent on bringing him down before moving to the rest of us. Warwick was now on the defensive, running with his tail between his legs as he was assaulted from all directions.

The hole was almost done being fixed. I was so close. We could refill the balloon's air supply later, but I was _so_ _close._

 _Click._

 _Damn it._

I shut my eyes, preparing for the end.

 _ **B  
**_ ** _O  
O  
M  
!_**

...Nothing.

I cautiously opened one red-stained eye, then the other.

What?

Why hadn't I-

I looked, and there, standing with his left arm barely hanging on to the socket and soaked with his own blood, was Urgot. He'd survived. And Camille was nowhere in sight. Whether or not that meant she was dead remained a mystery, but at that point I couldn't be bothered to care.

Vi, on the other hand...

Vi was on the ground, screaming. She was clutching her leg, convulsing erratically. Her leg was nothing but a bloodied stump, blown apart at the thigh. My throat was swollen shut at the sight, and my mouth suddenly felt dry.

Oh gods.

 _She's not your friend, she's not your friend, the real Vi's back home, you don't have to take pity on her..._ I clenched my eyes shut, my lip quivering. _She's going to die. Your friend is going to die, and you're just going to let it happen._

And yes, I was, because I didn't have a choice.

Caitlyn screamed Vi's name, immediately taking aim at the former Headsman. He halfheartedly pointed his cannon at the roof she was perched on, almost looking _bored._ The shot took out the section of the roof she was crouched on, leading to her losing her balance. I turned back to the hole, tears mixing in with the blood as the Sheriff fell a solid three stories to the ground.

Urgot's chest opened up.

His tracker missile hit her square in the stomach, impaling her all the way through as she lay there.

His chains latched onto her broken body.

They reeled in.

I could faintly hear her whimpering cries as she struggled, sluggishly trying to escape.

I closed my eyes, sobbing.

 _She's not your friend, she's not the real Cait, she'll still be alive when you rescue her back home..._

 _Oh, please._ Selene said. _I probably killed her on our world too._

The spray of blood came just as the hole closed.

 _How's it feel to be a murderer, Helios?_ She asked.

* * *

"You've been quiet ever since we left." Viktor noted.

"Don't feel like talking much." I said. "There's nothing to say, anyways."

"Well, it _would_ at least make the time go by faster." He replied. "We've been flying for three hours. If you're not going to talk, then I suggest you get some sleep. We still have five hours to go until we arrive."

We were so high up that the clouds were at least a mile below us, a dark sheet of black in the dim morning light. Warwick had curled up in the corner, snoring his wounds away. Urgot stood across from him with his arm folded on top of his cannon, staring out into the darkness. Viktor had tried to tend to his arm, but Urgot had only given him a death glare, which promptly shut him down. Viktor then got a wad of gauze and used it to clean up my forehead, which was already healing. I'd also stripped myself of my Piltovan garments and slipped into my regular attire, which was baggier and somewhat more comfortable.

Urgot, as far as we could figure out, had _not_ killed Camille, but merely buried her under a heap of rubble from the mansion he'd trashed. Going by Comic Book Logic, since her body couldn't be found, she most likely wasn't dead. She _was_ going to be pissed, though, when she found out what had happened while she was MIA.

"I can't sleep, either." I said. "Too much to think about."

He sighed. "This is about the Sheriff and her companion, isn't it?"

"Caitlyn's dead, and Vi's probably going to be crippled for the rest of her life if she doesn't get that leg replaced." I replied sullenly. "And it's because of me that it happened. _Again._ "

"You weren't the one who killed them, Helios." Viktor said. "It was going to happen whether you liked it or not."

"It shouldn't have." I replied, pointing a finger at Urgot. "I could've shouted for _him_ to stop."

" _ **No. You couldn't have.**_ " Urgot said, not even looking back at us.

"You're not helping." Viktor said, irritated. "He's numb over what happened, and it's because of _you_ that he has to go through this process _again._ "

" _ **Does it look like I** care?_" He replied. " _ **I'm agitated enough that we're taking a detour to rescue his little friends in** Demacia, **of all places. A bit of bloodshed helped to soothe my temper.**_ "

"Yes, and we're all very grateful that you so _wonderfully_ slaughtered most of the PPD." Viktor said. "Never mind that both cities will likely descend into chaos because of the Sheriff's death."

" _ **That had been what I was trying to achieve.**_ " Urgot replied. " _ **Well done. You managed to do in the span of a single night what I could not do for months.**_ "

The two of us fell silent.

 _Damn._

"Ignore him." Viktor said, pushing me down into a bench. "You need to sleep. You've been through enough stress already, and I imagine that you'll likely suffer more when we arrive."

"But I can't-"

" _Sleep._ " Viktor said. "Rest, if nothing else. You've been running on fumes ever since we left."

" _Keep it down._ " Warwick said quietly. " _I'm trying to sleep._ "

Viktor chuckled at that. "Better do as he says, no? It wouldn't do us good to have those two wind up at each other's throats."

My lips pulled into a tight frown, but I did as he asked, lying down on the bench. I took off my cloak and bundled it up, propping it against my head like a pillow.

This had been a hell of a night.

I could only hope that the day ahead would be different.

* * *

 _ **And we're finally out of Piltover. Thank GOD for that. So, I've ultimately decided that the Demacia business will be taken care of next chapter, and then Helios is returning home. Time for the ultimate showdown, baby! ...In a bit. Not sure when. Bye!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	53. Here Comes the Boom

_**What's going on, everybody? Sorry I didn't post this last week. I was in a bit of a rut again with how I wanted this chapter to go. But now I've figured it out, so here we are. This chapter, Helios is going to visit the alternate universe's Demacia, and find some unpleasant (and not-so-unpleasant) surprises along the way. Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentlemen, or go find a hat and holt onto it if you don't have one. This is going to be a little angsty. Maybe. I don't know the exact definition of proper "angst" in a story. :P**_

 _ **Also, I have an announcement to make!**_

 ** _I've been wanting to do this for a long time, and it's my pleasure to finally say that it's happening! As of right now, I am working on a collab fic with my fellow authors and absolute FAMS Elhiní Prime and Masked Demise! For those of you who aren't familiar with their work, Elhiní's the author of the We Are Warriors series, which I highly recommend reading. And no, I'm not just advertising. It's lit. Masked Demise has written side-stories as an extension of WAW, but she also has her own projects. We're bringing our universes together, and believe me when I say it'll be a blast. I'm not sure when it'll be done, but it will be LIT. Now, shall we?_**

* * *

Slowly, hesitantly, almost painfully, I allowed one foot to descend and sink into the lifeless earth.

The air smelled like death. Warwick had smelled it as soon as we'd reached the border, and his observations had been confirmed immediately after making them. The sky had lost its sapphire hue, obscured by a thick grey smog that coated the entire region. I mean it. _Nothing_ escaped its reach. The air was so thick that we couldn't see three feet in front of us while airborne. We'd had to reduce our speed to a relative _crawl_ as a result, while descending to a few meters above the ground.

And the _ground..._ it was even worse than what the skies displayed. Demacia's often known as the world's most well-trained and disciplined military power, but to its citizens, its real fame lies in its huge swaths of fertile land. Abundant harvests mark every year, and you can settle just about anywhere you want and expect to get a good living out of it. Noxians, while never admitting it, were envious of the conditions Demacians enjoyed.

Now...

Now, there wasn't much of anything to be proud of.

The grass, once a vibrant green in color, had been reduced to shriveled black husks, charred and smoking at the tips. The ground had been drained of color, nothing but a dull grey. It was an incredibly unusual and disturbing color to see, one that was only present in the Shadow Isles. But even then, the earth there had been teeming with dark magic. This had _nothing._ It was just...dead. It was cracked and decayed, dry in some places, yet in others it was thick and soupy, close to becoming liquid.

There were no trees in sight. They'd all been burned away by whatever had done this. The mountains had been flattened, the hills leveled out with destructive force.

But that wasn't even the worst part.

"Behold," Viktor declared, "the once-great beacon of all hope in the world. Demacia City."

I swallowed, my throat starting to burn. It felt like my airways had been swollen shut at what I was seeing.

White, I decided, was _not_ a pleasant color for the city to bear at the time I laid eyes on it. In its prime, the city bore the color proudly. It was the color of light, of justice, of hope. It was inspiration, pure and simple. Now, the bleached marble walls reminded me more of _bone_ than of light. Like the entire city was a corpse.

" _What..._ " I whispered, horror mounting in my chest. "What _happened_ here?"

The walls surrounding the city had been blown apart, leaving a ring of soot in their place for the most part. A few stray sections had been lucky enough to survive, but they looked brittle, ready to crumble at any moment. The four of us wordlessly passed through them, and while Urgot remained indifferent, the rest of us were uneasy. The walls were twenty feet thick. How could they have been wrecked so easily?

"You seem worried." Viktor noted, as we walked.

"Of course I'm worried." I replied, somewhat irritably. "This is unnatural, even for Runeterra. I've never _seen_ this amount of destruction, not on such a wide scale. There's hardly anything in this world with enough firepower to do something like this. The only one I can think of off the top of my head is Syndra, but her magic has a very distinct imprint that it leaves behind, which I'm not seeing."

"Who?"

"An old friend of mine back home." I hastily elaborated. "Ionian. Extremely gifted with magic. Enough said."

"If you say so." Viktor wisely left it at that.

The city was just up ahead, and it didn't make me feel any better about the current situation. It was still a little ways away, but I could already see the ruin and devastation that it had endured. The Citadel of Dawn had stopped burning, but pitch-black smoke still churned from its central dome. The city was a ruin, and the sight brought a fresh wave of sweat to my brow, along with an added weight to my stomach.

" ** _I must admit, part of me hoped to see Demacia City someday, preferably during a campaign._** " Urgot said. " _ **It's a rather pleasant sight to see, now that I'm standing in front of it.**_ "

That wasn't helping. At all. "Could you just shut up for _one second?_ " I asked. "You're not being very productive."

" _ **And why should I care?**_ " He replied. " _ **Consider this the price for taking unnecessary detours. You promised me vengeance, and if I can't have it now, I'll torment you until I get it.**_ "

 _Joy. Not only is he a master of physical pain, but he apparently knows how to be an annoying little shit too._ My brain unhelpfully offered.

 _Kill me now._ It offered again, in reply to its previous statement.

Remarkably, the ground tried to oblige.

Remember how I said that the ground was cracked in dry in some areas, and goopy in others?

I discovered this the hard way, as my foot suddenly disappeared into the earth, along with the rest of my body. I didn't even have time to scream, or at least wet myself.

"HEL-" I heard Viktor shout, before mud and dirt flooded the inside of my mouth.

There's nothing quite like drowning in earth. It's a lot different than being underwater, for one thing. I've never drowned in actual water before, but the experience, I still know, is something else altogether. When you're underwater, you feel this pressure on your chest, which gradually spreads to your ears the deeper you go. It's hard to breath even when your head is above water. But underground, the pressure's _everywhere._ It's squeezing your chest, your skull, your eyes, etc. You can't keep it from going up your nose, either. Once it's up there, it's _up there._ And you'd better be prepared for a bit of indigestion afterwards, because it's going into your mouth too.

 _Well, great._ I thought. _I'm going to need some new clothes now._

Atta boy, brain. Always looking on the bright side of things. Even when it does nothing at all.

I tried to move, to struggle, but the weight of the mud kept forcing me down, locking my limbs in place as I sank to the bottom. But the weird thing was that it _stung._ Dirt wasn't supposed to do that. It was dirty, sure (hue hue hue), but it wasn't supposed to feel like I was bathing in radioactive waste. And after living in Zaun for long enough, believe me when I say that I know what it feels like.

I wrenched my eyes shut, ignoring the way my eyelids burned from exposure. A flash of color briefly illuminated the darkness, a spurt of blue mixed with red and orange. What? There shouldn't have been any color. There was no light. And when one took all that wavelength sciencey shit into account, color should've been impossible. But then again, it's Runeterra, so what do I know?

Something suddenly wrenched at my collar, and I was pulled upwards and back into the light. I burst from the ground, gasping for air the second I had broken the surface. As I flopped to the ground, I found that it was actually Urgot who had saved me, his good arm covered with burning mud, though being the complete freakshow that he was, he wasn't bothered by it.

"Oh...oh _damn,_ that wasn't fun." I coughed, hacking up dirt on my hands and knees. "Thanks."

Urgot grunted, though not with complete disdain.

"You're going to need some new clothes." Viktor noted, agreeing with my earlier musings. "That doesn't look particularly healthy."

"It didn't _feel_ that way either." I agreed. "It _burned._ Since when does dirt burn?"

Viktor hummed, bringing his attention to the pit I'd just fallen in. "I don't suppose that multicolored flames mean anything to you?"

"What?"

"Look." He pointed. And there they were. Flickering motes of rainbow-colored flame, seeping through cracks in the ground. Now that we were actually paying attention (one's mind tends to go numb when staring at widespread destruction), we could see that these flames were just about everywhere. They swallowed the grass, the plains, everything in sight. For the first time since arriving, I spotted remnants of life in the form of animal carcasses, half-rotted and melted in some areas. The flames covered _them,_ too.

" _What_ is _that?_ " Warwick asked. " _It smells unnatural._ "

"It's not." I replied, as recognition festered, along with dread. "It's magic residue."

He turned to look at me with a raised eyebrow.

I sighed. "You grew up in Zaun, so it isn't surprising that you wouldn't know what this is. When magic gets out of control, or if an especially powerful spell is performed carelessly, it often leaves behind markings like this." I gestured to the flames. "But this shouldn't be happening. Mages all across Runeterra have been _extremely_ careful not to let their spells turn out like this. The last time magic was used so recklessly was..."

My face went pale, and my eyes wide.

" _Oh no._ " I whispered.

I suddenly took off at a sprint, leaving my companions behind. "Helios, _wait!_ " Viktor called, but I wasn't listening. I could only think to run as fast as I could towards the city, cold terror racing through my veins.

"Please let me be wrong, please let me be wrong." I pleaded, hoping to all the gods that I was. Because if I was right, then I was too late.

I barely even noticed as Warwick caught up to me, asking through his panting as to why I'd taken off. I didn't answer, staying focused on what lay ahead.

My feet hit the cracked marble streets, and just like that I was in the city. It was a mess, a hollow shell of its former glory. Buildings had been smashed in, _vaporized_ even, while the streets were in the same state as the ground outside the walls. Walkways above that once connected courtyards had been destroyed, and the smog was so thick that it was almost tangible.

My heart was pounding, my lungs burning, my head throbbing. But it didn't matter. None of it did. All that mattered was that I get to the Citadel of Dawn as quickly as possible. I leaped across wrecked walkways, scaled up walls, took shortcuts through buildings, all to reach my destination. Even if I fainted upon arrival, I _needed_ to be there. If my friends were anywhere, if _any_ survivors were anywhere, it would be in front of the palace, a centralized location that everyone could rally to.

When I got there, I felt just about ready to faint, as predicted. Warwick dropped to the ground beside me a few seconds after, panting pretty hard himself. " _Are you_ insane?" He asked. " _You're going to get yourself killed._ "

"Been there, done that." I replied, only half-listening as I looked around the main courtyard. The floor had been cracked into several gigantic pieces, similar to the rest of the city, only on a much larger scale. The main building of the palace was almost non-existent, a massive hope blown in the side. The similarity to my first (and worst) battle with Selene was almost jarring. It felt like a bad omen, which didn't settle well with me at _all._ A pile of debris and rubble blocked the front gates, as tall as the palace itself, and twice as wide as the doors. That seemed...odd. The rubble should've been blown to bits, along with the rest of the building.

But what was more disturbing were the _bodies._ I first noticed them as I unintentionally brought my foot down on the remnants of a shield, startling myself. The courtyard had been a battlefield at one point, home to hundreds of corpses. They appeared to have been bleached of color, and when I brought my hand to one I found that the surface felt brittle. Presumably, half of them were Demacian, but their features, weaponry and armor had been distorted to the point where they were unrecognizable. They'd been _petrified._ Some of them were even standing upright. The sight reminded me of how Cassiopeia could- _oh,_ and there was the guilt. _Wow,_ it hurt.

"I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but what the hell _happened_ here?" I asked. "Where _is_ everybody? Is this it, or are they somewhere else?"

"They're all dead, small man person." The giant pile of rubble said, heaving out a sigh. "And it was my fault."

* * *

Of all the things I was expecting to find in Demacia, a talking pile of rocks wasn't one of them.

I swear to gods, I must've jumped up around ten feet in the air. Warwick jumped _twice_ as high, clinging to the side of a building nearby, his fur on end. He kind of looked like Rengar on a bad hair day, which was a bit strange, considering that Warwick was canine.

" _HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL._ " I said, snapping around once I'd landed. Warwick remained rooted to the wall he was clinging to, but he tried to be helpful by bearing his fangs. I tried charging up a shot with Ezreal's gauntlet, but for whatever reason, it wouldn't activate. The crystal was still active, but it wasn't giving off any power. The hell?

"Don't bother, loud glowing thing." The pile of rubble sighed again. "I'm not gonna hurt you, and I'm made of stone anyways. It wouldn't do you much good."

I slowly lowered the gauntlet, still hesitant to bring my guard down with it. Warwick finally managed to pry himself down from the wall, dropping down beside me.

"The hell is wrong with this thing?" I asked, smacking Ezreal's gauntlet a few times. "It should be working."

"Is it magic?" The pile of rocks asked.

"Yeah. Why?" I replied.

"I'm made of petricite. I smash magic." It (he?) Said. "Anything with maguc gets close enough to me, it won't work."

" _Petricite?_ " I repeated. "What the hell is petricite doing in _Demacia_ of all places?" Petricite was material capable of nullifying magic. Its effects diminished the stronger the source of magic was, but in greater amounts it was incredibly effective. But Demacia used magic regularly to accomplish its goals. Why would it have access to petricite?

"Well, they needed petricite to make _me,_ you know." It replied. "They needed someone to smash enemy mages, so they sculpted me out of petricite to do the job." It sighed. As a brooding pile of debris, it was clearly fond of that. "I wasn't very good at it, turns out."

"You smashed mages to protect Demacia? So, you're like a guardian, then?" I asked.

"I used to be." It said. "Every place needs a good magic-nullifying Colossus. So I stood on a pedestal every day, and then they'd take me out when there was smashing to be done. Sometimes, with enough magic, I'd wake up. And then I could get some _real_ smashing done. Only problem was that I'd go back to sleep once I was done."

"Wait, you're a Colossus? Like, a giant statue?" I hummed. "Funny, you don't look like one."

"Oh, this?" He (I was just going to stick with that) asked. "I just piled a bunch of rocks on top of myself. I decided to try becoming a mountain, after..." The Colossus trialed off.

"After all this." I finished. "About that - what happened? This shouldn't be possible. And on top of that, if you go back to sleep when there's no magic, how are you awake now?"

"That's a bit of a story, tiny question-asking person." He replied. The way he kept giving me off nicknames was starting to grate on me, but a statue probably didn't have much access to proper education. This was going to be a problem at some point, I could already tell.

"Well, I've got time." I said, sitting myself down on a reasonably comfortable-looking pile of debris. "There's nowhere else on this planet that I really have to be, at the moment." This was also true, for established reasons, but I wasn't in any hurry to spill about my plans to a gigantic statue that I'd only just met, even if it was Demacian. Safety precautions, and all that.

"If you say so." The Colossus replied.

"I didn't just smash mages, you know." He continued. "I smashed everything that came over Demacia's borders while eyeing 'em funny at the same time. They'd haul me over to where I needed to go, and then I'd either smash their mages or smash _them,_ if their was enough magic nearby. Sometimes both, if I was lucky." He sighed, almost wistfully. "I love the way mages squish. Especially when I'm walking at the same time. It sounds like thunder. I like thunder. It's loud. And big. Like me."

"Back to the point?" I attempted to steer him back on-topic. For a statue made of solid rock, he was awfully scatterbrained. "Like...how all of _this_ happened, maybe?"

"I'm _getting_ to that part, rude interrupting thing." He replied. This guy...

"I've lost count of how many times I've protected Demacia over the years." The statue said. "I sometimes sleep for a few hundred people years at a time, so my memory isn't so good."

"And the one thing I loved smashing almost as much as mages? _Noxians._ " His tone turned bitter. "I hate those guys."

I slowly broke out into a cold sweat.

"You're sitting in a pile of 'em right now, actually." He continued. "They thought they could get past me when the invasion started." He chuckled. "They weren't expecting me to chase after 'em, once I'd gotten off my pedestal."

"They invaded?" I asked, feeling a cold familiarity. "How many were there? Was it just them, or did they bring friends?" If this was a repeat of last time...

"I dunno. Do people other than Noxians wear black, red and silver?" He asked.

"Typically, no." I replied.

"It was just them, then." He said. "Hundreds of thousands of them, coming over the hills. It looked like it was going to be the most fun I'd had in a while when I saw them from my pedestal." I slumped back, sighing in relief. It hadn't been like Selene's invasion, then. With any luck, that meant she wasn't a problem here.

Of course, Demacia was nothing but a burning husk, and Piltover had just lost its Sheriff, so that probably meant this world was going to shit anyways.

"You should've been there when it happened." He said, somewhat fondly. "Me stomping around, doing what I do best, smashing people left and right, it was _really_ fun." He chuckled. "The huddled masses got a real kick out of watching, too. Especially this one young girl person I liked. She was a mage herself, actually."

"Mage?" My head snapped up. "Was she a blonde, by any chance?"

"What's a blonde?" He asked.

I...wow. "You know, people with light-colored hair? Kind of like corn?" I tried again.

"Oh. Yeah, she was." He confirmed. "I liked it a lot when the young girl person showed up. Her magic kept me moving, even if I smashed it at the same time." Another sigh. He was fitting them in between just about every other sentence, I _swear._ He was so mopey, which I did _not_ need, considering the party of dull nitwits that I was rolling with at the time.

"Lux." I said, almost choking on the name. "Her name's Lux."

He hummed. "Bit of a shame that I never remembered her name. Guess there's nothing that can be done about it now. I would've liked to remembered when she was still alive."

She...she was dead?

Of all people, _Lux?_

The bubbly ray of sunshine who never complained _once_ about anything? Who always took things in stride and looked on the bright side of things? Not to mention one of the most powerful mages in Demacian history. How? How could she have _deserved_ to die? How could she just be _gone?_

This was bullshit. I needed more information. And a method of getting my trembling legs to stop (I probably would've fallen flat on my face if I'd been standing). There was no way.

"And the explosion?" I asked. "What about that? How'd _that_ happen?"

"Oh. That." He replied. "Dunno what it was, really. Everything was going fine, and then some mage pulls out this weird glowy stick thing and starts smashing everything with it."

"Glowing stick?" No. No, no, _no._ They'd all been sealed away. It was impossible.

I gulped. "How big was the glowing stick?"

"It fit into the mage's hand pretty easy, I think." He recalled. "Waved it around like it was a toy, too."

"Did it have a runic symbol on it?" I asked in reply. "A marking, or whatever."

Please let me be wrong, please let me be wrong...

"Uh...yeah! It did!" The statue said. "It was red, and _real_ nasty-looking. My petricite body didn't work on it. It was a strange little stick."

I was right.

I sighed. "A World Rune. You're talking about a World Rune."

Remember the Rune Wars? Those little "skirmishes" where millions of people died almost every month? The World Runes were the cause of that. Each one granted control of a specific aspect of magic, and could be _really_ nasty when used in the right hands. Or even nastier, if they weren't. That was one of the reasons why Ryze had set out to seal each of them away; they were too powerful to completely control. If one went haywire, apocalyptic levels of destruction followed. It had taken _centuries_ for the magical fallout to disperse, and even then some areas of Runeterra are still exclusion zones. You stay in there long enough, you're gonna die.

...Which was why it was probably ideal for me to make my exit as quickly as possible, after talking to the Colossus and getting the answers I needed.

"Is that what that was?" He asked. "Right, so I make my way over to the glowing stick thing, and I try to smash its magic. It worked a little bit, but not enough. So I tried harder."

"Please tell me you didn't actually consider-"

"I did." He confirmed. "I smushed it. And then everything went _boom._ "

I ran my hands through my hair, feeling my heart beat erratically as my limbs trembled. "You mean to tell me that you stomped on an _arcane agent of destruction_ without considering the consequences?! Are you _insane?!_ "

"Maybe. Or I'm stupid." I got the feeling that the Colossus's shoulders were sagging underneath the rubble. "The only good thing that came out of it was that I don't need mages to stay awake anymore. I got charged up with so much magic that I can move for as long as I want."

Oh my gods.

Oh my _gods._

This idiot had blown up his own _country_ because he was too eager to smash heads in.

"Well, I'm _so glad_ that you're feeling so fortunate." I spat, standing up. "I've heard enough. I'm going to go look for my friends."

"Oi, didn't you just hear what I said? Even your puny man-ears should've been enough." It replied. "They're all _dead._ "

"Coming from a literal sack of rocks, that's not really enough to convince me." I called over my shoulder, already walking away. Viktor and Urgot turned the corner of the street just as I left the courtyard, noticing me almost immediately.

"Viktor, you're with me." I said, as the two of them reached me. "Urgot, you and Warwick need to watch this thing. Make sure it doesn't get any ideas about how well we'd squish." I pointed at the statue.

" ** _Are you giving me an_** _order, **boy?**_ " He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. So what?" I wasn't in the mood for his games. "Get your ass in gear, or I'll do it for you." I looked at the Colossus one last time. "Besides, look on the bright side: if he starts attacking, you get to have something to chew on for a while."

A guttural growl resounded from within his throat, but he didn't object any further, grudgingly click-clackinghis way over to Warwick.

"You don't think Urgot will be able to handle him." Viktor noted, strolling up alongside me.

"No. I just want him out of the way." I replied. "He wouldn't have made what comes next any easier."

"And that is?"

I sighed. "An emotional breakdown, probably."

* * *

"This...is an extensive amount of carnage." Viktor said, almost sounding bewildered.

I sighed. "You don't have to tell _me_ twice."

We'd made our way to the south end of the city, which gradually transitioned to the countryside over the horizon. It wasn't any prettier than the rest of it had been, charred and smoldering and littered with bodies. It was nauseating to look at, and even more so to smell. Euch.

The situation might've been dire, but we couldn't afford to hastily sprint through every random street and alleyway. We might miss something important if we did. So, as agonizingly grating as it was, we _strolled_ through the ruined city, making sure to take in every detail.

"What exactly are we looking for?" Viktor asked. "Signs of survivors?"

I looked down at my feet, choosing not to reply. I wanted to say yes, but I knew that was too much to ask for. The signs I was _really_ looking for would be a lot bleaker.

"Ah. I see." He hummed, looking ahead. "You're looking for the exact opposite."

"Do you always have to read me like that?" I asked. "It's getting kind of creepy."

"Understandable." He said. "But it has its uses."

"I'm sure." I muttered. "You must feel _so_ proud of yourself."

"Not at all." He replied. "My capacity to experience pride has been muted significantly."

"If you're emotionless in that regard, why do you sound so _smug?_ " I said. "Doesn't sound like you've got a lack of pride to me."

"A drawback to lacking certain emotions, unfortunately." Viktor replied. "When your voice carries no emotion, it can often be interpreted in ways that are unappealing to others."

"Jayce must've had a _blast_ when you two worked together, then." I rolled my eyes.

I froze, then winced.

"Sorry." I said.

"Apology accepted." He didn't even break his pace. "Whatever happens now that the Sheriff is dead is of no concern to us. It would be best to simply leave while we can."

"Still, I can't help but feel a little bad." I said. "All I've done since I got here is ruin your life."

"I don't share the sentiment." He replied. "You've provided me with a unique opportunity to expand my field of study. As a scientist, the chance to learn from your world is one I would be foolish to pass up." He tilted his head to one side, considering something. "So, in an odd sort of way, thank you for that."

"You're...welcome?" I hesitantly said.

"Indeed." He replied. "Now, the next courtyard is up ahead. Shall we take a look?"

"I guess." I shrugged, the knot in my stomach still present.

 _Just let there be nothing._ I silently prayed. _Please gods, you've taken enough from me already. Spare me just once,_ please.

I blinked, as the first rays of sunlight suddenly pierced the thick curtain of clouds. They shone down on the courtyard, the scene of yet another battle. The air was still, but not stale like the rest of the city. And at the same time, not quite peaceful, either. It felt like the area was being highlighted for emphasis, promising a show that I was guaranteed to remember.

 _Please gods, no..._

Viktor stopped at the edge of the courtyard, leaving me to tread towards the center alone. Their was a significantly higher presence of corpses here, stacked on top of each other in piles that went as high as four or five, tightly clustered together.

 _Please._

I tripped, stumbling over a petrified arm. The concentration was so thick that a limb crumbled with every step I took, scattering dust around the recently formed graveyard.

 _No..._

I swallowed, making my way to the center. A Demacian standard poetically stood tall, its banner drained of color, though the emblem still blazed defiantly. I gently picked it up, weighing it in my hands. With a sigh, I set it down, resting it in the crook of a soldier's arm.

I looked up, sweeping my gaze over the courtyard as sunlight continued to pour in, allowing patches of color to appear among the sea of stone, wherever a body hadn't been completely petrified.

I caught splotches of blue and gold, scattered across the bodies of deceased Demacian troops.

Patches of red, black and silver followed, showcasing the corpses of Noxian shock troops.

I winced, as something metallic caught the gleam of the sun, rebounding the light into my eyes. I shielded my face with one arm, waiting for the effect to disperse, and then-

My blood went cold.

A splash of scarlet. A splash of brilliant gold.

Slowly, reluctantly, inevitably, my feet bade themselves to walk towards the source, like I was a criminal being marched to a firing squad. The object I was focusing on was buried beneath a pile of weapons and armor, as brittle as the men and women who used them.

I squatted down, my heart pounding thunderously as sweat ran down my neck.

I forcefully ripped away the materials obscuring it, sitting there breathlessly as it came into full view.

A helmet.

Its design contrasted sharply with that of its neighbors, forgoing a polished decorative quality in favor of efficiency and brutality. Jagged edges lined every crevice, and it felt warm to the touch, almost enough to give a burn, but not quite. The most notable feature was the gigantic horn that jutted out from the right side, drained of its scarlet hue like everything else. The left horn had been snapped off, leaving a diminutive hole in its place.

I stared, feeling the reality of the situation set in.

 _Plip._

 _...Plip._

 _...Plip-plip-plip._

I didn't even notice I was crying until the tears came in torrents, attempting to drown the helmet in my anguish. My throat felt raw, letting out only the bare minimum of breath that I needed with each sob. My fingers fumbled as I tried to pick it up, cradling it to my chest once I'd succeeded. I dropped onto my rear, gently rocking back and forth on my tailbone.

She was gone.

My little dragoness was gone.

Shyvana was _dead,_ and it was all because I hadn't been there when she needed me.

I don't know how long I cried. Only that it was until my eyes burned from the effort, my throat raw to the point where I could barely breathe. Screw everything else. Screw the whole damn _planet,_ for all I cared. It didn't matter anymore.

I stiffened as I felt Viktor's hand gently come down to rest on my shoulder. Slowly, I relaxed, blinking my bleary eyes as the tears stopped coming.

"I'm so sorry." He said. "I can't imagine how this must feel for you."

I sniffed, nodding. I ran my fingers over the surface, tracing every existing contour.

"What do I do, Viktor?" I asked. "They're damned if I do. They're damned if I _don't._ " I opened my mouth, pausing as I figured out what to say. "I wanted to leave once it's all over, but...will that even solve anything?"

"Why are you asking _me_ to decide your next course of action?" He asked in reply. "This is up to you. Whatever you feel is the best way to keep your loved ones safe on your world, stick with it. You will know if it was the right path to follow eventually."

I looked up at the sky. The sun was coming into full view now, though enough clouds covered it so that it didn't hurt to look at.

I thought for a moment, then decided to try something. "You'd better take care of her." I said to the sun. "She deserves the best, regardless of what life it's in."

Remarkably, I got a reply. And I was the only one who heard it.

 _I will._

Satisfied, I looked back down to the ground, looking at the helmet for just a few moments more. Strengthening my resolve, I firmly nodded, then stood, gripping Shyvana's helmet tightly. I began to walk back in the direction of the palace, my course of action set.

"Where are you going?" Viktor asked.

"To get some extra firepower." I replied over my shoulder.

I strode all the way to the Citadel of Dawn, not stopping for anything. Viktor tried to keep up with me, but I might as well have been running, and Viktor's augmentations weren't built for that specific purpose.

Warwick and Urgot were still watching the Colossus when I got back, and he apparently hadn't moved.

"Hey. Pebble head!" I balanced the helmet in one hand and threw it as hard as I could. It bounced off the Colossus's accumulated pile of debris, clattering off to the side.

"Oh. You're back." He said. "Thought you'd taken off."

"Nope." I replied. "I'm not done here yet. I've got business to attend do."

"Yeah?" He asked. "What's that?"

"Do you want a second chance?" I asked.

"...What?" He replied.

"I've got an offer for you." I said. "Demacia's gone. There's no changing that. But what if there was _another_ Demacia you could protect? What if you had the chance to guard Demacia City's walls once again?"

"Really?" He asked. "I could protect people again?"

"Yeah. Really." I confirmed. "This Demacia might've been destroyed, but only on this world." I gestured to Ezreal's gauntlet and Ekko's Z-Drive. "And I happen to be from _another._ "

"So, _big statue thing,_ whaddya say?" I asked. "You in?"

" _ **AM I?!**_ " He exclaimed.

The ground rumbled, causing the four of us to stumble. The debris surrounding the Colossus began to crumble, falling away as he began to move.

 _ **BOOM!**_

The pile of rubble _exploded,_ making way for him as he stood at his full height, the size of a small mountain. His previous ambitions didn't seem all that impossible, honestly.

" _ **LET US MAKE HASTE, TINY MAN PERSON!**_ " He boomed, as a set of enormous golden _wings_ unfurled from his back, which was composed of gleaming white petricite. " _ **DEMACIA AWAITS!**_ "

A smile slowly spread across my face as he came into full view.

"Hey, wait a second..." I said. "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"

* * *

 ** _Y'all ready for the boom?_**

 ** _'Cause here comes the boom._**


	54. Coming Home

**_How's it goin', bros, my name is FIIIIIIIIIIICfansEverywhere, and today I'm bringing y'all a new chapter! ...I don't know why I decided to open up with a Pewdiepie intro, but sometimes you've gotta try stuff, you know? So, last time, I mentioned that I was doing a collab fic with my main gals Elhini Prime and Masked Demise. For those of you who don't know yet, the first chapter was finished last week! The title of the story is Daybreak, and mainly takes place in Elhini's We Are Warriors universe. For those of you who haven't looked at it yet, I highly recommend that you do. It's a good read. Anyways, for my own fic, Helios is finally returning home this time around. He's going to discover the scope of Selene's reign, and he's not going to like it. So, shall we?_**

* * *

Interdimensional travel, while dramatic, is actually way more boring than you think it is.

Well, at least it was coming back. Nagakabouros pulled off some fancy-shmancy portal shit when she deposited me in the other dimension, but the return trip was significantly more disappointing. I wanted to come back in a blaze of glory, heralding the awe-inspring badassery of my return. In hindsight, that probably wouldn't have been such a good idea, since Selene would've instantly seen that, but I was excited. Sue me. You would be too, if you hadn't sniffed the fresh air of your homeworld in weeks.

Anyways, when Viktor removed the crystals and placed them in his device, he asked me to hand over the last piece of my old Targonian armor, which I'd pocketed a while back. He needed something from my world to lock onto, which held its "dimensional signature" or whatever he'd called it. Biology was more my thing, not physics. I thought that using _me_ would be the way to go, but he explained that the resulting energy would _vaporize_ whatever was used as the catalyst. So...there went that idea. As reluctant as I was to part with my armor, I was going to be going home anyways, so there was decent compensation involved.

Viktor started up the machine, putting every component in place, and right after it started glowing. The light was an interesting shade of turquoise, though it made the air shimmer with a heat that made me feel just the slightest bit uncomfortable. Oh, if only I had my powers back. Then I could frolic in all the bonfires I could ever want.

But when the thing fully activated, it didn't create a portal like we'd been expecting. I'd been rolling up my sleeves to take the plunge and everything. Instead, the device freaking _exploded,_ taking my consciousness with it.

Through the haze of _what just happened_ that was my inner thoughts, I could only process how anticlimactic that was. I mean, _really?_ I'd been preparing for so long, and then it just blows up in my face? Hilarious. And rather typical. Life just loved to have fun at my expense.

Then there came what sounded like a great rush of wind, though it didn't feel like I was moving, or falling. It was like moving through a tunnel, almost, though like I said, there wasn't any actual _moving_ involved.

The wind got louder, _faster,_ blowing against my face harder and harder. The force was staggering, even painful, almost peeling the skin off my skull. The pressure built and built, until it was too much to bear. I squeezed my eyes shut (metaphorically speaking, of course - they weren't open regardless), doing as much as I could to ignore the pain, waiting for the inevitable end-

My eyes snapped open.

I gasped, realizing that I was in desperate need of air. After sucking it all in, I pushed it back out in one great sigh, feeling my chest rise and fall as I panted. It was after a few seconds of suffering from a blank mind that I pondered _where_ I was panting. With a blink and a frown, it occurred to me that I was on my back, propped on something that was pleasantly soft. That in itself was surprising. I'd been expecting to wind up in some ditch on the side of the road. I'd landed in a dumpster after the journey to Zaun, so it was only logical that I'd land somewhere similar upon arriving home.

Holy shit.

I was _home._

I sat up as quickly as I could, the jubilance of the situation dawning on me. It had _worked!_ I was _back!_ A bubbly feeling rose up in my chest, making my fingertips tingle and my feet feel warm. I was just about ready to whoop and holler at the top of my lungs, but I remembered at the last second that I was probably in hostile territory. The bubbly buzz was replaced by a grim reality, reminding me that Selene was still in control.

Now that I was more focused, I could finally figure out where I was. I had apparently landed on a plush couch, which was colored a pale white. Ornate little swirls of silver could be faintly made out within the main color scheme, which seemed like a lot of effort for a piece of furniture. As I looked around beyond the couch, I surmised that I was in a living room or study of some kind. The design confused me at first, but after moving past the white mixed with blue color palettes (Selene had expanded beyond black, apparently, which showed that she'd been learning since I last saw her), I slowly pieced together the fact that I was in a Demacian household.

Tasteful architecture, despite the colors? Check.

Ornate decorations that were paradoxically simple? Check.

Domed ceiling? Checkity-check-check check.

Well. I was closer to my goal than I thought I'd be. This was a nice change.

Wait.

Where were the others?

I looked around the room, hoping to see my compatriots nearby, but to my disdain they were nowhere in sight. Oh, _great._ Either I'd left them on the other world by accident, or we'd been scattered across _this_ one. In which case, I was going to have to go on yet _another_ road trip with unreasonable complications involved. And I was _not_ in the mood for that.

I sighed, slouching as I deflated. I ran a hand through my hair, feeling exasperation set in. Just once, life. Just _once,_ it would be nice to have it easy again. I needed a universal remote or something, I really did. Anything to improve my luck by just a smidgen.

It was dark outside, too. That was...odd. It had been morning in the other universe, and to my knowledge the timezones were the same. I could've looked out the window, but part of me had a sinking suspicion of what I'd find, and the thought didn't sit well with me.

This was _Selene's_ world now. And, despite it being a rather obvious act of cowardice, I wanted to delay staring it in the face for as long as possible.

 _Click._

The hairs on my neck stood on end as the doorknob turned, sending goosebumps down my back. In the fraction of a second that I had left, I scanned the room for places to hide. There were none - none that would hide me for long, anyways.

Window? Nope. It was probably locked, and the view would be discouraging anyways.

Couch? Get real. That wouldn't hide me for two _seconds_ , even if I was lucky.

Other rooms? Would hardly do me any good anyways.

Which meant, unfortunately, that I was going to have to do this the old-fashioned way.

I silently sprinted across the floor to the wall beside the door, pressing myself to the blindspot of whoever was entering. A shadow loomed in the doorway, getting bigger and bigger as the room's newest occupant stepped in.

It was...a maid.

I inwardly sighed with relief. She didn't look particularly dangerous, though her uniform was different from what I was accustomed to seeing in Demacia. Her dress was the same color scheme as everything else, which was already starting to get old. She was holding a bucket and a mop, so she was probably just here to do a bit of cleaning. She gently set the bucket down on the floor, then dipped the mop in the water it contained, splashing it over the tile as she got to work.

And, being a maid, she had absolutely no fighting ability whatsoever. She failed to hear me creeping up behind her.

I kicked the back of her knee, causing it to buckle, then locked my arm around her neck, closing off her windpipe. Her body went rigid, and she gasped as an automatic reflex, though no air would come out. Her delicate hands slapped and pulled at my arm, her movements getting slower and more sluggish as time went on. She breathlessly gasped one last time, then went slack, her eyelids fluttering shut.

"Sorry." I said, as I moved her to the couch, setting her down on the pillows. "You would've screamed if you saw me."

Now, where was I to go? Out the door was the only conceivable option, but I had no idea how many people were wandering the halls. If even one person saw me, I was dead. Assuming, of course, that Selene kept a substantial guard presence now that she was in charge.

I poked my head out the door, looking from left to right to see if anyone was there. When my query brought up nothing, I hesitantly stepped out into the hall, silently shutting the door behind me.

 _Okay,_ I thought. _So far so good._ Now I just had to...

I stopped.

Well.

Where _did_ I go from there? I wanted to rescue my friends and stop Selene, to be sure, but that was a _long_ way away from accomplishment. I'd brought the others along because I needed the firepower. Now that they'd vanished to who-knows-where, I was back at square one. Which was a problem.

There was only one thing to do at the moment, really: walk.

So I did. Sneakily, stealthily, and silently did I make my way through the manor, which was getting bigger and bigger as I progressed. This wasn't just some wealthy family's house. Whoever owned this place was one of Demacia's (former) ruling families. That didn't make things any better for me, however. I could've landed in any one of the houses' manors, and it probably didn't matter regardless. The Lunari were calling the shots now, which meant that everyone reported to Selene. I was Public Enemy Numero Uno, as far as everyone was concerned.

I came out of the hallways and into the foyer, at the top of a staircase that went two floors down. The chandeliers were all lit, though their light was a sickly grey instead of golden yellow. It painted a stale mood for the setting, making the place feel...cold. Artificial. That was unpleasant.

I slunk down the stairs as quickly as I could, letting out the breath I'd been holding in once I reached the bottom. There wasn't anyone in the foyer, either. Was it late? It couldn't have been. The lights were on. I couldn't tell if it was early, either. Everything just felt _wrong._ It was almost nauseating.

Part of me felt bad that I was tracking mud throughout the manor. I hadn't had time to change before Viktor's device activated, so I was still caked in magic-tainted dirt from earlier. Well, at least there would be people to clean it up. They could just follow the trail of muddy footprints and mop 'em up as they went al-

I froze.

I facepalmed.

Of all the half-brained, idiotic things I could've done...

Right on cue, a gasp came from behind me. I cursed, turning around to see another maid stare at me from the top of the stairs, hands over her mouth. She immediately turned and fled back the way she came, which was _very_ bad.

" _MILADY!_ " She screamed, as I charged up the stairs after her. " _MILADY, WE HAVE AN INTRUDER!_ "

 _Shit shit shit shit shit shit **shit shit SHIT!**_ I thought, easily gaining on her. She threw over furniture and sidestepped frantically in order to avoid me, but it was hardly the most difficult chase I'd ever experienced.

I tackled her to the ground, covering her mouth and pinning her arms to her back.

" _Shhh!_ " I shushed her. "It's okay, I'm not here to hurt you, _you're going to get me killed-_ "

 _SHING!_

I felt the cold steel of a blade press against the back of my neck.

Aw, _hell._

"I would suggest you set her free." A heavily accented voice said. "Or else you will find your head removed from your shoulders."

I blinked.

Wait.

I knew that voice.

Could it be...?

"Fiora?"

* * *

Nobody had ever accused Fiora Laurent of being slow on the uptake.

As soon as she heard my voice, she'd sheathed her rapier without a word, grabbing me by the collar. She made a quick order to the maid in Demacian, telling her not to say anything about this. Before she could even confirm her obedience, Fiora was already pushing me away, leaving the maid in the dust.

"Quit being so rough." I squirmed in her grasp, trying to turn around so that I could see her. "You could at least say hel-"

" _Quiet._ " She hissed. Well, uh... _that_ was rude. She could at least say she was happy to see me. What was up with her?

She directed me through the manor's hallways for a solid ten minutes, and by that point my neck was starting to feel a little sore. Her ironclad grip was impressive, but annoying. Where was she even taking me? It'd better not be to Selene, or I was going to be _pissed._ We passed some of her servants and attendants as we walked (well, she walked; I was more or less being dragged), and though they looked curious at my condition, a sharp glare from their mistress prevented them from doing any more than that.

"In here." She finally steered me though a set of double doors, closing them behind us as soon as we were inside. We appeared to be in Fiora's personal chambers, which had retained their original white and scarlet coloring, surprisingly. Crimson floral patterns adorned the eggshell walls, red drapes covering the windows. A door to the right led to the bathroom, while a door to the left revealed her bedroom, which housed a red king-sized bed. Couches and chairs were arranged comfortably in the living room, which was intended to entertain guests.

"Nice place you've got here." I remarked, turning around. "I'm surprised that Selene even let you keep it this-"

I stopped.

"...way."

Son of a _bitch._

Fiora's home hadn't been the only thing to get a Lunari makeover, apparently. Fiora herself had also been given the same treatment. The first thing that caught my eye was her skin. It was _pale._ Not that it hadn't been before, but this was the disturbing kind of pale; the kind of pale that came from a lack of exposure to sunlight.

Her hair wasn't black with red streaks anymore, either. It was silver, with little wisps of white in-between the strands. Her eyes were the same color, and it was getting _really_ repetitive. Seeing my friend wear the color seemed like an especially cruel joke; especially to me. Her clothing had been changed to include Lunari aspects, taking influence from Targonian designs and applying them. The highlights we're black, to offset the glaring silver and white.

Fiora, if I was being honest, looked _older._ Tired. Weary. And that analogy wasn't too far off, if the bags under her eyes were anything to go by.

"What happened to _you?_ " I asked, appalled.

"I could ask you the same." She replied, unceremoniously plopping herself into a chair. Fiora tended to do things with poise, so that was more than a little odd to see. "The last time I saw you, Selene stabbed you through the heart."

"Yeah, well." I smiled humorlessly. "It takes more than that to kill me, I guess." I traced a finger through the air around my face. "I, ah...couldn't help but notice what you've done with your hair."

She sighed. "A side effect of swearing myself to the service of the Empress." She fingered a strand near her cheek dismally. "It disgusts me every time I look in the mirror."

"You swore yourself to Selene?" This was a first. "Why? You've never been the kind of person to bow your head, even to the King."

"The world has changed, Helios." Fiora replied. "We do not have the same luxuries that we did before."

"I figured." I said.

I looked around the room, trying to find the right words to say. Fortunately, Fiora gave me a head start. "You must have questions." She said.

"That's an understatement." I replied. I spread my arms, gesturing to...everything, really. "Fiora, what _happened?_ How long has all of _this_ been going on? And more importantly, where's Leona? Where's Shyvana? Where's _Raka?_ "

"I..." She shook her head. "That will take a while to explain, Helios. It has been nearly two months since your...demise, and Selene was ambitious in her endeavors."

"I've got time." I wasn't budging on this one. "I've got nowhere else to be at the moment."

"Helios, I-" She sighed. "I don't...I don't know where they are. Or if they're alive. I haven't been allowed outside of my own district since Selene took power."

"What? What do you mean, you haven't been allowed to leave?" Let me explain: each of Demacia's ruling houses lords over a specific district of the city-state. The most powerful houses have influence in Demacia City, though they're still under the command of the King and Queen. They're responsible for making sure everything runs smoothly for their assigned stomping grounds, which is why Demacia's government has held up so well over the years. It's a well-oiled, efficiently running machine. Or, at least it _was._ Now, I wasn't so sure.

Fiora stood, walking over to her pantry. She opened the door, then fished through the inside, pulling out a bottle of red wine. Instead of getting a glass from the cabinet, like she typically did, she just uncorked the bottle and took a swig, guzzling it for a few seconds before offering it to me, now half-empty. That was _definitely_ not like Fiora.

"You didn't get a glass." I said, voicing my concerns as I took the bottle from her hand.

She chuckled half-heartedly. "Doing things for the sake of my own dignity isn't as much of a priority as it once was." She smiled sadly. "Now, keeping myself sane while I rot in this _cage_ is the most I can do."

"When Selene took charge of Demacia," She continued. "the first thing she did after securing the populace was to gather all the nobles and have them brought to her in the Citadel of Dawn. She then-"

"She's _here?_ " I said, stopping myself just as I was about to take a swig. "In _Demacia?_ "

"No. She only stayed for the first week, then moved to Mount Targon." She replied.

You know that sound a DJ's keyboard makes when the track discs are suddenly stopped? That big _VWIIIP_ that makes everything go quiet?

That's the sound that went off in my head as I heard what Fiora said.

"She didn't." I deadpanned.

"She did." Fiora replied. "As of right now, the Solari temple has presumable undergone some renovations."

"Do you have a table I can flip, by any chance?" I asked.

"Must you always be so dramatic?" She said.

"Well, you haven't said anything about me tracking mud through the house, so I assumed that you'd be fine with something less severe, at least." I replied.

She rolled her eyes. "If you must. It will be cleaned up shortly after, anyways."

"Thanks."

I walked over to the coffee table placed in front of a couch, setting the wine bottle on the ground, where it wouldn't get in the way.

I sighed, slumping my shoulders.

" ** _GAH!_** "

Despite my weakened state, my strength when agitated was still nothing to balk at. And it was a tiny little coffee table anyways, so...y'know. It snapped in two as it flew upwards, and the sound was enough to quell my rage, at least for the moment.

"Okay, I'm sorry. You were saying?" I wiped myself off, looking back at her over my shoulder.

Fiora, despite clearly not wanting to, looked mildly amused. "Right. Yes. As I was saying, Selene had each of us swear our loyalty to her, then gave us _this-_ " She gestured to her current appearance. "-as some form of reminder. It may have been for the sake of her twisted sense of humor more than anything else, however."

"I can't say I find that surprising." I said. "What I _do_ find surprising is that you accepted her offer."

"Do you think she gave me a _choice?_ " She asked. "She gave me an ultimatum - serve her for life, or watch as she killed every last one of my subjects before my eyes."

I grimaced. "That must've been hard for you."

"It wasn't. And that was what was so infuriating." She replied. "My honor only means so much to me. I am Demacian first and foremost. I must look after those under my care."

"Yeah? How's that working out for you?" I said.

"Admittedly, not very well." She replied.

"What about the other nobles who are champions?" I asked. "Garen? Lux? Vayne?" I gagged as I forced out her name. Things were _really_ bad if I was worried about _Vayne_ of all people. She was a bitch on and off the Rift. Ellis would frequently permaban her out of spite whenever I had a match. Ah, memories.

Ooh, speaking of whom...

"What about Ellis?" I asked. "What happened to him?"

"I have no idea." She admitted. "He and Sona were separated after the war, and I have not seen them since. All I know is that the others were forced to undergo the same treatment. They were escorted to their districts, and then I never saw them again."

"Wonderful." I deflated, sprawling onto the couch. I winced as I felt the pillows make an odd _squish_ sound, which appeared to rankle Fiora as well, but neither of us really felt like getting worked up about it. "And everyone else? Ashe, Tryn, Ahri, Syndra, Sarah? I'm guessing that you don't know the answer to that either."

She haplessly shrugged. "I would tell you if I did."

"I know, but..." I huffed. "I was hoping that I would be able to get at least _some_ good news when I got back, but I guess this'll have to do."

"What good news would you be expecting?" She asked. "There is none to give."

"Well, can you at least give me the _time?_ " I said. "It's dark out, which is really throwing me off. It was morning when I left, and I could've sworn that the timezones were more or less the same."

"Timezones for where?" She raised an eyebrow.

"Oh. That." I replied. "I suppose I haven't told you how I survived, have I?"

"No. You did not." She said.

So I told her.

I told her about everything that had happened to me since getting impaled. How I was thrown away by the current, won my life back from Kindred, and was transported to an alternate Zaun soon after, where I met Viktor and the rest of my new companions. It took a while to tell the story, though her attention never wavered while I did. She occasionally asked for clarification on some of the things I said, to which I elaborated. After I finished, the two of us simply sat there, mulling over my story for a moment.

"And you have no idea where they are?" She asked.

"None." I shrugged, sitting up. "The last time I saw saw was technically less than an hour ago, but that doesn't help much."

"Now, how about you answer _my_ question?" I leaned forward, reaching for the wine bottle. I took a swig, then set it down at my feet, resting my elbows on my knees. "I'm getting the feeling that it's not just me when I say that something doesn't feel right about the weather."

"Do _not_ go outside." Fiora told me, standing up. "She will see you. And then it will be too late to save the others."

"Let me see, Fiora." I replied, also getting to my feet. "I need to know how bad it is."

"Allow me to clarify - she is _always_ watching." She said, grabbing my arm as I started toward the windows. "If but one _speck_ of her light lands on you, you will be captured, then executed."

"Then just _tell me._ " I replied. "If you don't want me to go outside so badly, then just tell me what I'm going to see."

Her mouth was drawn into a grim line, letting go of my arm. "It is currently around nine forty in the morning. I woke up only two hours ago."

" _What?_ " I exclaimed. "How can it be that late in the morning if it's _dark?_ "

"Do you recall what she did before she nearly killed you, Helios?" She asked. "How she darkened the sky with her own physical form?"

The memory came back to me just then. Selene had pulled her true body up to cover mine, creating a permanent solar eclipse. If it was still going on now, that explained why Fiora's skin was so pale. It wasn't just because she'd sworn herself to Selene's service - she hadn't seen the sun for _weeks_ on end.

"Wait. If Runeterra hasn't seen sunlight since the end of the war, then how come you're still alive?" I asked. "Without sunlight, all the plants in the world should've died. Which would then have led to all the _animals_ dying, including humans, Yordles and vastaya."

"She didn't just cover your light, Helios. She altered it. _Warped_ it for her own personal gain." She replied. "I don't know how she accomplished it, but she's somehow able to funnel your light into her true form. Her light acts as the substitute for yours, but the effect it has on the plants is...strange. They don't grow right. They twist and morph into unusual shapes that I have never seen before."

"She did not just become the Empress." Fiora said. "She has become _you,_ Helios. She is everything you once were, and more. And her influence grows more powerful each passing day."

She... _what?_

This piece of information hit me particularly hard.

Selene was smart, loathe as I was to admit it. _Despicably_ smart. But this seemed like the dumbest thing anybody could ever do. Did she _not_ understand how the world worked? How I had _built_ it to work? I'd seen her do the deed before getting stabbed, but only now was I registering what it meant. As the Solari have constantly preached, I'm the source of all life on Runeterra. I mean, no shit, I made the planet, but I'm always nourishing life. Every organism I ever created was made to live off the benefits my light created. When people are cold, they naturally try to get into the sun. Because, well, it's warm. They welcome the transition of winter into spring, and the bountiful harvests that I provide during the summer and fall. I made plants grow. I dictated the global climate. I decided how everything, _everything_ was meant to exist. The Solari don't exaggerate when they list all the cool stuff I've done over the years, I can tell you that.

And now, Selene had just straight-up thrown the natural order upside down, kicking me out of the spotlight and standing in my stead. That was all _kinds_ of idiotic. If she was really substituting moonlight for sunlight, then I _definitely_ believed Fiora when she said that the plants were getting weird. Moonlight isn't something they can adequately photosynthesize on. Not only that, but Selene's magic infested moonlight was probably making them even weirder.

"The water level's risen, too." Fiora added. "She drew herself closer to Runeterra after you left. You can't even see the sun anymore. Instead of roads, canals stretch throughout the city. I don't know the extent of them, but they are the only method of transport currently available."

"That's how she keeps everything under her control, I'm guessing." I replied. "Minimal contact with minimal modes of transport mean that it'd be impossible to start an uprising. She's probably got a heavy guard presence stationed too, doesn't she?"

Fiora nodded. "Only in here do I possess complete authority. Outside, her guards escort me wherever I need to go."

"I can't imagine you have to go anywhere most of the time." I said.

"I take what I can get." She replied.

I hummed. "So...what happens now?" I asked. "I've got to get out of here _sometime,_ Fiora. I can't sit around while Selene screws everything up."

"I don't see how you have much of a choice, Helios." She replied. "As of right now, there's nothing you can do."

"So I'm just supposed to sit here until an opportunity magically drops out of the sky?" I said. "I don't know about you, but I'm a little tired of doing that."

"Well, there is _one_ thing you can do to keep yourself occupied until then." She said. "We need to get you cleaned up. You are absolutely _filthy._ "

* * *

Fiora wasn't as relentlessly stubborn as she used to be, but her servants picked up the slack just fine.

They didn't care one bit that I had augmentations sticking out of every square inch of my skin. They just washed around and in between the cracks. I was, frankly, humiliated that I had to have other people wash me in the first place, but the implants wouldn't take to water that well. At least I got to keep my underwear on, even though it chafed.

I huffed as one of the maids instructed me to lift my left arm, wincing as she scrubbed with the brush (really, brushes?) across every pore that she could find, including the armpit. Gods, this was so awkward.

They were scrubbing _hard,_ too. The brushes they were using had some _serious_ bristles, and it felt like they were going to peel the skin off my bones. "Do you _have_ to be so rough?" I grumbled. "You're supposed to be cleaning me, not flaying me alive."

"Apologies, sir." She said, sounding sorry yet not sorry at all. "We have to be thorough. We can't have you getting enchantment poisoning, or else Lady Fiora will be very upset with us."

Oh. There was something I hadn't considered. That was a pretty decent reason for being so thorough, I had to give them that. Being covered in the magic equivalent for radioactive waste tended to make a few red lights go off. I could spontaneously combust or melt into a pile of mush, for all anyone knew.

"Just...hurry up." I grumbled. "Get it over with before I lose my mind."

"It will be done when it will be done, sir." The maid replied. "We will finish correctly or not at all."

See?

Stubborn.

As merciless as they were with their scrubbing, they weren't so rough that I didn't have time to think. Fiora, despite being happy to see me, had more or less deflated. It was still so unnerving to see her so resigned. The old Fiora had been a firecracker. She'd slit someone's throat if they even _thought_ about insulting her honor. Now, it felt like I'd been gone for years, not for almost two months. Had I actually been gone for that long, or did I screw with time when I was transported here? I knew I was just being ridiculous, but the thought was somewhat fun to entertain. Then I felt bad, because I shouldn't be having fun when Selene was having _her_ fun at everyone's expense.

(You really should have seen how much you moped, Fiora. It was almost like watching Kayn brood.

I regret nothing, Kayn. You can put Rhaast down, or so help me I'll go get Zed.

That's what I thought.)

And now, I was supposed to do...nothing. To just sit here and wait until a move could be made. That was irksome, to be sure. I'd had a _very_ short attention span back at the Institute, and I didn't want the old habit to surface now, at the worst possible time.

 _Well._ I thought wryly, _Maybe Fiora will have a stash of baguettes for me to snack on. Some snails to go with them, too._ I could not for the life of me understand how she ate those things. It was revolting to watch every time she slurped them down.

This was irritating, infuriating and mildly amusing all at once, which wasn't a great combination. Not only would I be bored, but I'd also be unproductive. At least give me something to punch in the face. Then I'd be a happy camper until something useful came along.

 _WHAM!_

The door slammed open, and Fiora strode in.

"Get dressed." She said. "We'll have to finish cleaning you up later."

"I thought you were the one who wanted me clean in the first place." I replied.

"That was the original plan, but unfortunately we have a visitor." She said. "A rather unexpected and unwelcome one at that."

"Who?"

"It slipped my mind that I forgot to tell you who oversees the districts and makes sure we do not step out of line." Fiora sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Ganymede, one of Selene's lieutenants, has been given reign over the city. But it is Darius, his second-in-command, who has suddenly decided to grace us with his presence. So unless you want to have your head removed from your shoulders, I suggest that you hide."

Well.

That would do nicely.

* * *

 ** _That's all for this time. This was more to lay out the general direction the story's going to take, but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Until next time!_**

 ** _FicfansEverywhere_**


	55. I'm Turned into a Special Delivery

_**We're back! And, well, y'know...with a new chapter. That you're reading. Which is kind of obvious. Good Lord, how many times have I said "we're back with a new chapter?" I've lost count. I mean, I could probably count by the number of chapters, but you get my point. This time around, Helios is going to deal with Darius acting as second-in-command to the guy now running his peeps' stomping grounds. So, shall we?**_

* * *

The only thing that Fiora's servants did quicker than cleaning up after me was cleaning up after themselves. In less than a minute after Darius pounded on the door, they were already fetching my clothes, which had been cleaned with inhuman speed. They hastily helped to fit my implants through the holes in the fabric, having me fully dressed just as Fiora went to answer it.

"Quickly!" One of the maids urged. "You must hide!"

Fiora _had_ suggested that as an option, but, uh...hide _where?_ We were in a bathroom. Granted, it was a ridiculously grandiose bathroom, but there weren't a lot of adequate hiding places.

"Darius. What a nice surprise." Fiora said, presumably opening the door to greet him. "I was not expecting you at this hour."

I could almost hear him sneering. It almost sounds like how salt smelled. Don't ask; just roll with it. "You don't have to be notified beforehand." Darius replied. "You just have to do what you're told."

"I prefer to be informed of my orders _before_ I'm made to carry them out like a dog." Fiora said. "If what you have to say is so important, you should have given me time to prepare."

Hoo. This was going to escalate quickly. Those two were some of the saltiest and most savage champions in the League. And here I was, stuck with nowhere to stuff myself in so that I wouldn't be seen.

The maids and butlers frantically looked for places to put me, but were turning up short. I was going to have to improvise. Again. Say, that was an awfully nice bathtub...

Remarkably, Darius didn't snap back with a scathing remark. He just sighed, letting it go. "I'm too tired to argue with you right now." He said. "I'm just here to deliver a message from Ganymede."

"Then by all means." Fiora replied. "Do enlighten me on what our _lord_ requires of us."

"Don't presume to call Ganymede 'lord,' Fiora." He said. "It is only Lady Selene who is sovereign above all."

"Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?" Fiora snorted. Her haughty hair-toss was clear as day in my mind. "Waxing poetic about our _beloved empress_ might impress her, if you are lucky. Trying to get a promotion, Darius?"

" _Fiora..._ "

She grunted. "Just give me the message, if you want me to stop wounding your Noxian pride so badly."

" _Thank you._ " He replied. "Ganymede wants you at the palace in a week. He's unveiling his new _project_ then, and he wants all the members of the court to witness it."

"A _week?_ " Fiora exclaimed. "Why are you telling me _now?_ It could have waited, no?"

"I don't give the orders. I just carry them out." Darius said.

"How the mighty have fallen." She replied. "From commander of the Trafarian Legion to Ganymede's errand boy. You must feel very proud of yourself."

"We all have to do what we can to survive." He said. "It wasn't my choice to begin with."

The servants had noticed what I'd elected to do, and were erratically gesturing for me to get out of the bathtub. First of all, there was no other viable option, and the shower curtain would hide me anyways. Second, the bathtub was padded, and was the most comfortable thing I'd laid on in a while. There was no _way_ I was getting out of that thing.

" _What are you doing?_ " A maid hissed in a whisper. " _Get out of there!_ "

" _Where else am I supposed to hide?_ " I asked. " _If you come up with a better suggestion, I'll take it into consideration!_ "

" _Anywhere but there!_ " She replied. " _He will see you if he comes in!_ "

" _Well he'll hear_ you _if you don't stop yapping, so_ shut up!" I snapped back. " _You're making this whole_ stealth _thing really difficult!_ "

Our mouths clamped shut as the conversation between Fiora and Darius continued. "Just let me know if you'll be there." Darius said, clearly having a proportionate distaste for the whole thing. "Ganymede's having me run all over Demacia City to notify the other houses. _Without_ transport."

"My heart bleeds for your poor health." Fiora replied. "I suppose I don't have much of a choice, do I?"

"No. You don't." He said.

The maid grabbed my arm, trying to pull me out of the tub. With my other hand I clenched onto the rim, digging my knees into the walls in a firm statement of "I'm not budging one inch." She pulled and pulled and pulled, and while it _hurt,_ it was by no means strong enough to yank me out. The other servants noticed the struggle, then grabbed onto her to help get me loose. It was becoming a game of tug-of-war, in which my arm was the rope. And by no means do I ever recommend trying this at home. I felt like my arm was going to pop out of its socket.

" _Ow ow ow ow **ow ow ow ow!**_ " I whispered. " _Let go, you're hurting me!_ "

" _We...were given...a task by our mistress..._ " One of the maids grunted. " _So we...will **not**...fail her!_ " Even with the added manpower, they were still having trouble. My arm was about to be dislocated, but at least I'd get the satisfaction that it took that much, right?

Wrong.

 ** _BAM!_**

One of the maids slipped, leading to the whole ensemble of servants to trip and fall over. My head slammed against the wall of the tub, inducing a splitting headache and a furious torrent of curses on my part, which weren't nearly as quiet as they should've been.

"What was that?" Darius asked.

"My servants are cleaning in the bathroom." Fiora explained, trying to cover for me. "One of them probably just fell."

"I doubt it." Darius said. Heavy footsteps followed, coming straight for the door. I wasn't even given time to curse. Booooooo.

The door burst open, and in came Darius, axe in hand.

...Huh. I had a feeling that getting Selene-ified would've also happened to _him,_ but I didn't expect it to make him look so...old. The silvery-white hair combined with same-colored eyes made him look like Grandpa Darius, out to backhand (y'know...like "Hand of Noxus..." _sigh_ forget it) young whippersnappers for trespassing on his lawn. His armor had also undergone a bit of remodeling, similar to Fiora, but it was honestly hard to tell. The black and silver color scheme hadn't changed, but now it was more ornate. The scratches and battle scars were gone. His axe was now lunar-themed, and judging by the permanent scowl on his face, he probably wasn't too happy about it either.

He raised his axe, then froze and started when he saw me. " _You?_ " He asked.

"Uh...me?" I replied awkwardly.

Fiora darted through the doorway, her sword drawn and at the ready. Darius flicked his eyes over it for a second, then looked back at me. If you'd been there, you could've seen the way his face rapidly went through every expression at once, except for the happy ones. He might've been a certified meathead, but that didn't mean he was a _complete_ idiot. He was running through a list of possibilities, viable paths to take that hopefully wouldn't get someone screwed over. _Who_ that someone was, I couldn't say. Darius had never really been worried about his own personal safety. As far as he was concerned, if he died in battle, oh well. He probably deserved it.

"So." He said, lowering his axe against all odds. "You survived."

The axe was down, but that didn't make anyone feel any more comfortable. "That I did." I replied icily.

"You look like shit." He noted.

"I'm not the one who's going through a midlife crisis, _old man._ " I said.

Darius scowled. "Getting impaled didn't remove that mouth of yours, I see." Behind him, Fiora still had her sword drawn, but looked unsure of how to continue. I couldn't blame her. Darius was throwing me off with how casual he was being. Usually he was all "grah, strength" and " _NOXUS!_ " and " _nyah, the weak don't deserve to live._ " This was kind of disappointing, in a way.

"Well, I guess it'll take more than getting stabbed to keep my mouth shut." I shrugged. "It's what I do best."

Darius looked over his shoulder. "How long have you been hiding him?"

"Hours." She replied. "He only arrived this morning."

He grunted. "The gates to the city are guarded twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. How did you get past my guards? The Lunari? The _Silver Sentinels?_ "

"The _what?_ "

Darius quirked an eyebrow. "You should've seen them if you snuck in. You got here through unconventional means, then." See? As far as social skills go, he's clueless. When it comes to putting two and two together, along with a lot of more complex numbers, he's one of the best in the business.

"Interdimensional travel has its perks." I said. "I wouldn't recommend trying it, though. It's not as fun as it sounds."

He grunted and sighed simultaneously. He was fond of making noises like that. "You know that my duty requires me to take you in."

"Right, you're Ganymede's top yes-man." I replied. "How's that working out for you?" I remembered Ganymede, in the short period between Selene's grand entrance and her hostile takeover. He'd been lean and skinny, looking borderline sickly. I didn't remember seeing a weapon on him, which meant that he was either one for diplomacy or magic. I wasn't seeing much diplomacy lately.

Darius scowled. "Just because it's my job doesn't mean I like it."

"Oh, do enlighten us on why your duty pains you so." I drawled. "Long hours? Unfriendly co-workers? Foreign setting?"

The last part brought something curious to mind. "Come to think of it, why are you even running errands around Demacia in the first place? I would've thought that you'd be basking in the glory of Noxian victory on your home turf, not milling about in enemy territory."

"It wasn't my decision." Darius said. He sat himself down in the bathroom's only chair (because fancy bathrooms) and uncorked a flask clipped to his belt, chugging down it's contents. "Whatever Selene orders, I must obey."

"Can't imagine that's very fun for you." I said.

"No." He surprisingly agreed. "It's not."

Somehow, I got the vibe that despite what he'd been ordered to do should I ever return, he wasn't going to do it. At least, not right away. The Hand of Noxus looked _tired,_ like Fiora did. Selene was having that effect on everyone, it seemed. For now, Darius was content to talk. What happened after probably wasn't going to be pleasant, but hey, Fiora and I outnumbered and outmatched him. Theoretically, we could take him down.

"And Swain?" I asked. "What happened to him?

"Yes, I must admit that I am curious about the Grand General's condition as well." Fiora agreed. "Noxian footsoldiers occupy the city, but I have not seen hide nor hair of that _rat_ since the regime began."

Darius tensed. "Swain is...different."

"Different?" I echoed.

"I only saw him once since the war ended." He replied. "It was after I was assigned to be Ganymede's chief officer. He came on business from Selene, though as far as I know it wasn't for anything particularly important. He felt...off, in his discussion with Ganymede. Erratic. Unhinged. I'd never seen him like that before then."

Fiora and I shared an uneasy glance.

"And that was the last time you saw him?" I asked.

"Didn't I just say it was?" He rolled his eyes. " _Yes,_ I'm sure. I would've remembered if it wasn't."

An uncomfortable silence followed.

"So...what now?" I asked. "I've got some very mixed feelings about this whole conversation right now."

"You're not the only one." Darius huffed. "But, I may have an idea on what to do next."

The blunt end of his axe blurred, and I was suddenly left with a splitting headache, blacking out not long after.

Well.

Dammit.

Darius had just surprised me by doing something completely typical of him. Ugh, I was getting sloppy. I could already see Nidalee's disapproving glare.

Also: Riot, you _really_ need to nerf Darius's attack speed. Combined with his biceps and stupidly gigantic axe (though who was I to criticize, considering), it's seriously OP.

* * *

There's only so many times that you can get knocked unconscious before it starts to get old. It'd happened to me so many times that I was already in a foul mood _before_ I woke up, and my mood certainly didn't improve when I found myself inside of a metal box.

I'm not claustrophobic, lucky me, but that didn't make it any less comfortable. It was cold, it was dark, and it was cramped. I'd been pressed into an odd fetal position, with my elbows in between my knees and my head in between my elbows. The only light available came from tiny air holes pricked in the metal, in front of my feet. Geez, I could've at least been arranged so that I had a bit of a view. And what the hell had happened to Fiora? She'd had her sword drawn; she should've been able to go all stabby-stabby in an instant. But _noooooooooooo,_ here I was on my way to my possible death. Joy.

 _Well, this is just perfect._ I thought. _I'm_ so _going to kill Darius when I get out of here._

That son of a bitch. I should've seen it coming, I really should have. Why did I think that I knew Darius? I never got along with him, even before the war. _Gods,_ I felt like an idiot. Darius was probably having a laugh about my stupidity. Boy, didn't _he_ feel clever?

Come to think of it, where _was_ Darius? And where exactly was _I?_ It felt like I was-

The box jerked.

 _Yep._ I thought, as I fruitlessly tried to nurse the new bruise on the back of my head (no way to move my arms). _This thing's moving._

My container jostled in swayed in an oddly fluid rhythm, steadily granting me a fresh bout of pain every time it went up. Hm. Fiora _had_ mentioned canals as the only viable method of transport nowadays. It was possible that I was traveling along one now.

There was also my discovery of seasickness. In Bilgewater, when traveling on a ship in the open air, it'd been cold, wet _and_ dark. I'd been just fine, though. But inside a confined metal box where I had no knowledge of which way it was going to jerk? That was a whole other story. And just as unpleasant as it sounds.

If I didn't get out of here soon, I was going to vomit on my pants, and then it was going to soak down to my _under_ pants, which I didn't need. Come on, there had to be _something_ that I could move! I jiggled and jostled as much as I could, trying to find which limb had the least resistance under it. I finally found the answer in my right side, which had just enough slack in the shoulder, knee and elbow to grant me a fairly free range of motion. It should also be noted that since I couldn't see anything, this was a lot harder than it sounds. When one's covered in augmentations, moving gets kind of clunky in tight spaces.

I slammed my right side into the walls of the container, creating an audible _thonk._ " _HEY!_ " I yelled. " _WHERE THE HELL AM I?! **GET ME OUT OF HERE!**_ "

"Welp, he's awake." Someone said. It was a voice I didn't recognize. "He sounds like a feisty one. Where'd you even pick him up?"

"Outside the city gates." Darius replied. "He'd gotten past the guards, and was trying to make a run for it. The trail suggested that he was going north. The Sentinels apprehended him, but not before he killed some of my men. With his bare hands."

A whistle. "Should be fun for the games then, eh Commander?"

"Maybe. We'll see how he holds up." He said. "This is just to get Ganymede off my back for a while."

I probably should've paid attention to what he was saying, but I was a little too pissed off to care then. Instead, I banged against my crate again, ignoring the bruises that were starting to form. " _DAMN IT, DARIUS!_ " I yelled. " _IF YOU DON'T GET ME OUT OF HERE, YOU BACKSTABBING SON OF A BITCH, I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY FIST UP YOUR-_ "

 _Whump!_ Someone, presumably Darius, struck the crate, giving me another headache. "If I were you, I'd shut up." Darius (called it) said. "I could just drop you in the canal."

I wisely decided to shut up.

"Now, just so you know, I'm going to put you on the prow." Darius continued. "You make the slightest move or give me a single word, and you'll drown." My stomach lurched as my crate was picked up, Darius manhandling it up to the prow as he promised. Now, despite being convinced to shut up, I had _not_ been convinced to withhold my murderous rage. If I had my powers back, the crate would've melted.

" _Quiet, you idiot._ " He whispered. " _Do you want to get us caught?_ "

Hold up. what?

"You say something, Commander?" The (probable) officer with us on the (probable) boat asked.

"No. You must've been hearing things." Darius replied.

Uh...this was kind of...what? I was still angry, but now confusion had been thrown in the mix. I was going to question Darius when I got out, then throttle him. Possibly not in that order.

"We're here." He said, as the boat stopped. It sounded like it'd been directed at me more than anything else. He also had to grab the crate to keep it from falling into the water. Stupid forehead knocking into the stupid crate.

" _OPEN THE GATES!_ " The Hand of Noxus yelled.

There was the sound of a crank being pulled, followed by something being pulled upwards. Portcullis? Darius had mentioned that Ganymede was unveiling something at the Citadel of Dawn, which I guessed were probably the games that had been previously mentioned. Still, that was in a week. Unless I'd been unconscious for that long, which sounded pretty typical.

The boat jerked forward, and this time my crate was thrown backward, hitting the deck. It made an odd _clang_ when the box hit, which I'm surprised that I noticed through my cursing (Darius couldn't stop me from doing _that,_ no matter how much he wanted to). Boats had surfaces that went _whump,_ not _clang._ And _yes,_ sometimes I categorize what sounds certain things make. I didn't have a lot to do when I was a star, sue me. If you were a celestial deity that had reached the point in time where you couldn't screw around with your own planet anymore, you'd be bored too.

The surface felt cold, which was extremely difficult to discern from the inside of a metal crate. So I'm somewhat proud of that. It felt metallic, which seemed like an odd choice for a boat. It wasn't very buoyant. This was Selene we were talking about though, which probably meant that this was another one of her gimmicks. Gods, did _I_ do stuff like that when I was in control? Decorating everything with one theme sounded exhausting.

The precious little bits of light that I had disappeared from the air holes, momentarily sending me into a panic. Dark confined places = very bad in a lot of action movies. My life was basically one meme-filled action movie, so that logic probably applied to me as well.

There was the sound of marching footsteps. Guards, probably. "Get that picked up." Darius ordered, and once again I found my crate hefted up. I _swear,_ if I got any more bruises after this...

"Damn, this one's heavy." Someone grunted. "Must be a real fatass if it takes all six of us."

Oh, _hell naw._ " _FATASS?!_ " I yelled. " _LET ME OUT OF HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU-_ "

The crate suddenly dropped, and I let out One Curse to Rule Them All as my face bashed into the wall. I'd spoken too soon, apparently.

"Whoops." A female voice snickered. "Our hands slipped."

I hated these people so much.

"Quit screwing around." Darius said. "Just do your damn job and carry him."

"Where should we put him?" A third, gruffer voice asked.

"Level Three. With all the others." He replied. "Cell Eighteen, Block Four."

A pause. "You're kidding, right?" The first voice said. "You want us to put him in with-"

"Don't argue." Darius snapped. "This one's just as dangerous, if not more so."

Oh, great. I was going to get strapped in with a maniac. Seeing Fiora again did _not_ make up for all the nasty people I'd met along the way back. Sure, Fiora wasn't the first time, but I preferred the majority of my companions to be decent-minded. Viktor and Warwick were alternate versions of my enemies, so that was a little weird. Urgot was an even more hardcore version of _my_ Urgot. Give me somebody who's nice right off the bat, please. Or at least a decent conversationalist.

Aye carumba. My life sucked.

We came to a stop, and then there was the sound of a lever being pulled. My crate jerked again, but luckily not enough to give me a fresh bruise. I was beginning to suspect that my forehead was bleeding. There was the sound of a crank (sue me, I couldn't see anything; I know that you're getting bored of the sound crap but what else do you expect me to do?), and we went upwards, probably in some kind of elevator.

"At least he isn't as heavy as the drunk." Someone said, groaning. "We had to drag his fat ass all the way up to the top floor."

"We're in an elevator, dumbass." The female voice said.

"Didn't change the fact that he weighed at least a ton." He replied. "Then we had to carry him back _down_ after Lissandra said that she wanted to keep him."

Fat plus heavy plus drunk equals Gragas, without a doubt. He and Rumble had been pretty good bartenders back at the Institute, so I got along with them alright. Hm. If Gragas had been here, then that meant that other champions could be too. I was beginning to suspect that Darius had brought me here to help stage a jailbreak. The mention of Lissandra, however, concerned me greatly. She'd gotten her own bargain out of partnering with Selene, it seemed. The Freljord was probably just one giant blob of Dark Ice now. I knew a guy who could melt Dark Ice no problem, but I didn't really have a way to call-

 _BAM!_

Instead of politely placing my crate on the ground once we'd arrived at my presumed cell, they flat-out dropped it. It was too dark to tell if I was blacking out or not, but one thing I knew for sure what that I was _angry angry angry._

"Get it open, and put the barrier up." Darius said. "And not a word out of _you_ either." This was presumably directed at my soon-to-be fellow prisoner.

Five...

"He's going to come out swinging." One of the six said.

Four...

"If his head isn't spinning." Another said. "How many times did we drop him again?"

Three...

"We outnumber him anyways." A third agreed. "Shouldn't be too hard."

Two...

"Should've brought a Sentinel with us, just in case." The first muttered. "

A latch I hadn't seen before on the rim of my crate popped open.

 _One!_

I burst from the crate as soon as I was free. I'd been in the dark for so long that the light, while dim, momentarily blinded me. I rolled across the floor and got into a crouched position, using the few seconds given to adjust my eyes to the light.

As loathe as I was to admit it, Selene had gotten pretty creative when it came to designing holding cells. For one thing, there weren't any actual bars. Or walls. I was inside a room that was cylindrical in shape, about twenty feet in diameter. The only thing actually solid was the floor, which was a boring shade of greyish-black. The walls themselves were made of a muddled silver light, which pulsated and flickered. Even though it was light, it was somehow opaque, distorting the outside so much that it couldn't be seen. The ceiling was made of the same substance, giving me a rather uninteresting view of nothing in particular. Other than that, there wasn't much else. Simple, yet intriguing. _Ugh._ I felt like I was going to throw up.

In front of me, Darius stood behind an even mix of Noxian and Lunari guards. Two of them were female, and all of them were armed. Well, shit. My day was going to be fantastic, as per frickin' usual.

We stared at each other for a few seconds, before the guards realized who'd been inside the crate the entire time. "Holy shit, it's _you!_ " One of the guards shouted. All of them drew their weapons, rushing forward and-

Darius swiftly drew the blade of his axe through their necks, decapitating them in an instant. Their heads hit the floor, their bodies following soon after.

...Uh.

Well.

A thing just happened.

"They were annoying as hell anyways." He said, carefully wiping off the edge with his hand. "If only I could've done it sooner."

"Ganymede's probably going to kill you for that." I said.

"He won't. I'll just tell him that you did it." He replied.

"How generous of you." I deadpanned.

Okay, so maybe Darius was planning to help me out after all. Neat, I guess. His reasons for doing so weren't all that clear to me, but I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth and ask questions.

"What happened to Fiora?" I asked. "Is she-"

"Alive." He confirmed.

"She can't have been too happy about what she did." I said.

"She wasn't." He replied. "In case you hadn't noticed, I'm going to have a few new scars."

He wasn't kidding. Now that I could see a little better, I saw that Darius was bleeding through numerous chinks in his armor, blood oozing from thin yet costly wounds. Fiora was as lethally precise as ever, it seemed.

"I had to strangle her, but I ultimately won after I knocked you unconscious." He explained. "She should be up by now." And she was _not_ going to be pleased. So much for helping friends out, eh? It wasn't her fault, though. He'd come at me faster than Jax with a full passive, and we all know how that turns out.

"I suggest you get comfortable." Darius said, after shaking off the awkward silence. "You're going to be here for a while."

...What?

Okay, forget about not asking questions.

What the _what?_

"What about the plan?" I asked.

"Plan?" He raised an eyebrow. "What plan?"

"You know... _the plan?_ " I replied. "To bust me and my friends out of here?"

"There is no plan." Darius said, turning away. "Not for me."

What the _double what?_

"Then...why am I here?" I asked.

"Because I have a duty to uphold." He said. "I'm not going to help you if you can't stand on your own two feet."

Son of a _bitch._

"If you can't even take a single hit from me, why should I feel confident that you'll be able to take back your throne?" Darius asked. "You're just going to get yourself killed. And I'm not going to drag myself down with you if you fail."

I picked up a sword from one of the dead Noxians. "So, what? You're just going to leave me here to die?" I asked.

"That depends on how well you do." Darius replied. "Don't expect me to coddle you and hold your hand while you try. I'm not convinced that you'll be able to succeed, and I'm not going to invest in a lost cause. Do whatever you want while you're in here, I don't care. But if I'm called upon to kill you, I won't hesitate."

So, that was the way it was gonna be, huh? "I could just kill you right now." I said, making a small gesture to the corpses he created. "You've given me enough weapons to give it a go. I could just try to find my way out right now."

"The walls are enchanted. Only those in Selene's service can enter and exit at will." Darius rebutted.

"Doesn't mean I can't kill you before you reach the edge." I replied.

"Maybe you could, if you got lucky." He conceded. "But you won't."

"Oh yeah?" I kicked up a sword from one of the dead Noxians, spinning it around in my hand. "And why's that?"

"Because if you kill me, then eventually Ganymede will realize I'm missing. Then he'll send guards to investigate, upon which he'll then discover _you._ You'll most likely be presented to Selene as a trophy. And that sounds like a pretty good way to get Leona, Shyvana and Soraka killed."

* * *

"...What?"

"You heard me." Darius replied. "They're alive. All of them."

I stumbled sideways, hitting the wall of my cell. To my surprise, it burned, and I would've been given a nasty scorchmark if I hadn't pulled away at the last second. I fell to my knees, feeling my heart pound in my chest.

 _Oh my gods._

They were _alive._

I shuddered and shook as tears streamed down my face, sobbing with relief. I felt an enormous weight lift off my chest, sending prayers of gratitude to every god that I knew by name. They were alive, I hadn't killed them, and there was still a chance that I could save them.

I sniffed, wiping the tears away. "But how?" I asked Darius. "Selene should've-"

"She was considering it." He replied. "But I convinced her not to at the last second."

The statement hung in the air for a moment. "You. Convinced _Selene._ To spare my friend, girlfriend and granddaughter." I said, flabbergasted.

He nodded. "She was considering doing a lot of things to them, actually. Believe me when I say you don't want to know what they are."

"But why? Why go that far to protect people you don't even care about?"

He leaned in, close enough to whisper. As if he was afraid of being heard. "Because I felt that something was off as soon as Swain made the deal." He said quietly. "Selene wanted complete control over Runeterra as her end of the bargain. Swain had been planning to conquer the world, but with _Noxus_ as the dominant power. He handed over his chance without even realizing it. I dedicated my life to Noxus, and now it's been sidelined in favor of the Lunari. That annoys me, to say the least."

"That still doesn't explain why you spared them." I said.

"We Noxians take pride in our strength, but that doesn't mean we don't show mercy." He replied. "Demacia and its allies were worthy opponents. They should've been treated with respect in defeat. Selene was going to treat them like animals."

"And, as much as I hate to admit this," he sighed; "I respected you enough to watch over those you cared about, to some extent."

This made sense, I guess. Noxians were, despite being assholes, pretty generous to those they conquered if they agreed to roll over. Full benefits of the empire and everything. Selene didn't strike me as the type of person who'd approve of that ideology.

"So they're all here?" I said. "Leo, Ana, Raka, everyone?"

"Not quite." Darius replied. "I convinced her that taking Leona and Shyvana as prisoners for the games would be more entertaining, but she was adamant about keeping Soraka for herself. She's with her on Mount Targon right now, I believe."

My heart sunk, before I pulled myself back together. She was alive. That was the important thing.

"You mentioned the games before." I said. "What are they?"

"You'll find it familiar." He said, because even Noxian brutes like him want to be ambiguous sometimes. "If you survive, and somehow manage to get your powers back, save your friends _and_ overthrow Ganymede, _then_ I'll help you. Truth be told, this isn't what I wanted in victory. I miss the old Noxus."

Okay. I understood. "So this is your own little test, huh? I pass, and you help me?"

"Exactly." He replied.

"And how am I supposed to do _that?_ " I asked. "A sword isn't going to cut it. Neither will these weapons."

"Oh, you'd be surprised." Darius said, turning to walk out the door. "Maybe you should look behind you. And that's the only help you're getting." And with that, he left, leaving me to fend for myself.

"Look behind-"

I turned around.

There, embedded in the center of the cell, was Aatrox's sword. Or, more specifically, Aatrox himself.

And behind _him,_ trapped behind a transparent silver barrier,were none other than Kayn and Rhaast.

"Took you long enough." Kayn said.

Rhaast grunted. " _Is this supposed to be a rescue? I'm a bit disappointed._ "

* * *

 _ **Y'all want new champions?**_

 _ **Then I WILL GIVE YOU. NEW CHAMPIONS.**_


	56. Pistols and Axes and Scythes, Oh My!

_**Hi. I'm back. This chapter's a tad bit on the late side, but that's because I'm on winter break now. This is going to be a longer chapter, if all goes well, so I'm doing the writing when I don't have school and can focus on writing and League.**_

 _ **Speaking of which: we need to talk.**_

 _ **Over the past few days, I've gotten a few reviews that say I need to pick up the pace. I haven't been updating every week since the temporary hiatus, and apparently that's irritating some of you. A lot.**_

 ** _All I've got to say about that is: please stop._**

 ** _When I first started TDHA, I had a lot of time on my hands. School wasn't nearly as grueling as it is now (I have AP classes this year), and it was mostly intended for the humor. Now? I've got a lot of work on my hands. I've got other things I need to take care of, more responsibilities. I can only do so much, guys. Once every two weeks is what I can do at the moment. And yes, I know, the humor's been a little lacking, but PLEASE bear with me for a bit longer. I'm close to bringing the story back to how it used to be, I just need to get the Demacia arc wrapped up. I'm aware that some of you are upset, but I have a life to tend to, which takes time. Plus, I have a plotline to work through, and I'm mostly writing it as I go along. So...patience? Please? It would mean the world to me if you could understand. As a bit of a peace offering, here's a longer chapter. I hope it'll give you the satisfaction you've been wanting._**

* * *

A part of me was kind of happy to see Kayn holed up in a cell, if I'm being honest. I couldn't care less if it was Selene's doing or not. He somewhat deserved it.

See, I'm mostly cool with Zed. He's got a lot of murderous tendencies, sure, but he's pretty alright once you move past that. He's kind of like a more hardcore version of Talon. Brooding, sulky, and by all accounts lethal, but a decent guy nonetheless.

Kayn, on the other hand, is...well, to put it simply, he's a cocky-ass bastard who doesn't know when to shut up.

You think _Vayne_ is edgy? I could physically _cut myself_ on his backstory, not to mention his attitude. He's almost as bad as Draven when it comes to confidence in his own abilities. I've _never_ seen him fight without a smug smirk on his face. Even Zed gets annoyed, and he's the Orochimaru to Kayn's Sasuke. When Kayn first acquired Rhaast, he actually expected Zed to promote him to leader of the Order of Shadow. Instead, he got a right proper ass-whoopin'.

And don't even get me _started_ on Rhaast. Rhaast is just...no. He's hilarious sometimes, but once you get accustomed to the weirdness of his delivery, his rants about murder parties and Varus's demon pants start to get old. He's basically a cheap knockoff of me, which I resent immensely.

The two of them have a pretty odd relationship on the Rift, too. I mean, one temporarily kills the other until the match is over, but off the Rift they get along surprisingly well. In a weird, homicidal kind of way.

Even captured, Kayn was still as irritating as ever. "You're still alive, I see." He said, almost as if he was bored.

"No shit." I replied. "What gave you that idea?"

" _Well, you're here. And you're not dead._ " Rhaast said. " _So you're either alive, or a zombie. And you don't smell bad, like zombies tend to._ " Rhaast also had an annoying habit of stating the obvious.

"Yes, thank you for your input, Rhaast." I rolled my eyes. "I never could've figured that out by myself."

The Darkin looked a little proud of himself, his eyelid curving up as an indicator. " _Well, I_ am _the brains of the team. Kayn would probably be dead in a ditch somewhere if it wasn't for me._ "

"You know, I could just stick a plunger on you and use you to clean the Institute's toilets." Kayn said. He sighed. "But, unfortunately, there isn't an Institute anymore, so that's not an option."

Rhaast rolled his eye. " _At least I'm not laying my nipples bare for the world to see. Because I don't even_ have _nipples. So there._ " Ha. I had to give him that one. Sometimes I wondered why so many champions decided to go shirtless. Rakan, Kayn and Yasuo should just start a One Nipple Showing club. It'd be pretty popular.

Kayn was pretty beaten up, though it wasn't as bad as it could've been. His pants were ripped up in some places, and his hair looked a little disheveled, even though it was still tied up in a braid. He had a few new scars, too, but other than that he looked fine. Rhaast was a scythe. Scythes didn't get scars. Enough said.

As the two continued to bicker (they did that a _lot_ ), my attention came to Aatrox. The poor guy had been shoved blade-first into the ground, deep enough that the hilt was only a little ways above the ground. The light from the center was only a dull shade of crimson, instead of the glaring scarlet that frequented sites of conflict. It irked me that someone had been cheeky enough to destroy Aatrox's host body. He'd waited a long time to get that thing, and it hadn't been an easy process. There's a reason why Darkin don't enjoy staying in their weapon forms. It sucks.

Still, it wasn't like I couldn't use this to my advantage.

Gingerly, I raised my hand towards the hilt. I touched it, and was immediately overwhelmed with a wave of telepathic force. " _WHO DARES-_ " Aatrox yelled, but then immediately relaxed when he sensed my presence. " _Helios? You're alive?_ "

 _Surprised?_ I thought. _It was a close call, I'll admit, but it's better than being dead, that's for sure. How've you been holding up?_

"What _do_ you _think?_ " He asked. " _I've been stuck this way for a month. I haven't had a proper body since they destroyed the original after the war's end. It's been more boring than anything else, and the only company I have is_ these _two idiots._ " I sympathized with his plight. It didn't sound fun.

" _I haven't seen Kayle since then, either._ " He continued. " _I'm worried for her. What they might do to her. What they might be doing to her_ right now. _It's agonizing._ " I got the feeling that that was going to be the answer a lot of my friends were going to give me.

 _Well, I'm back now._ I said. _And hopefully I'll be able to get us out of this mess._

" _And how exactly are you going to do_ that?" He asked.

 _I'm...working on that part._ I looked at Kayn. "Have you tried shadow-walking out of here, by any chance?"

He rolled his eyes. "The walls are made of _light,_ Helios. What do _you_ think? Even Zed couldn't escape this cell, and as an extension, neither can I."

Well, that was just perfect. "What if I..." I looked down at Aatrox. An idea was beginning to come to mind.

" _No, wait, don't-_ " Aatrox warned, but I'd already pried him out of the ground. I gripped him in both hands and swung at the barrier, expecting the Darkin blade to cleave through it like it was made of wax.

Instead, I was rewarded with a blast of lunar feedback, promptly knocking me out cold.

Well.

Ow.

* * *

It was a whole week before I finally saw the outside of that cell.

Soldiers and Lunari would come in to feed us at regular intervals, there times each day. We only got water and biscuits, which tasted bland and were a suspiciously grey color. They didn't wash us. They let us gather dirt and grim until our pungent stench could be whiffed from all the way down the hall. At least, that was what our jailers remarked whenever they visited. We couldn't smell anything, but we were probably nose blind anyways.

They learned really quick not to mess with us, though. They put barriers up so that they could feed us, but every once in a while someone would wonder why I always curled up and kept my face hidden. When they tried to find out, they'd lower the barrier. And then I'd either snap their necks or sic Aatrox on them. Kayn and Rhaast didn't get to share in the fun, which really pissed Rhaast off. He loved the smell of slaughter in the morning.

Darius never ordered for a change in feeding methods. This was either because he was staying out of our affairs, as promised, or because he knew that I'd enjoy killing Selene's soldiers. Probably both.

As you probably guessed, there wasn't much to do in order to keep ourselves entertained. We mostly just spent our days listening to Rhaast prattle on about gods-knew-what, which I hardly ever paid attention to. At night we would get to enjoy shivering until it felt like our bones were going to shatter from the vibrations. It was _cold._ Not _Freljord_ cold, but still cold enough to suck.

We weren't given proper beds, either. Boy, was I going to be sore once this was all over.

When the day finally _did_ come where something actually happened, I was just about ready to lose it. Rhaast had finally gotten bored, which meant that instead of making morbid jokes, he was missing about even more morbid things.

" _Do you think they'll flay your skin while you're still alive?_ " The scythe asked. " _Or maybe they'll pry off your limbs and shove them in... certain places. That would be fun._ "

"For you, maybe. You don't even _have_ skin. Or limbs." I replied, massaging my temples. "They'll probably just chuck you in a trash bin somewhere." How did you even _torture_ a scythe? Rub the blade on a whetstone made of sandpaper?

" _Maybe they'll kill people you love right in front of you._ " He cheerily continued. " _They might string up one of your friends, and slit their throat while you stand their, helpless. Personally I find it much more entertaining when they have a fighting chance, but maybe that's just me._ "

"Oh, _shut up._ " I groaned, from my fetal position in the middle of the floor. I'd discovered that the walls were the last thing I wanted to touch, as lunar energy could kill me and all that. Kayn still got a nasty burn, but it wasn't anything he couldn't take, the lucky bastard.

" _Say, maybe they'll crucify that one follower of yours!_ " Rhaast didn't feel like taking the hint. " _Leona, wasn't it? Anyways, imagine this: they tie her up, gag her and then get an iron and-_ "

Wordlessly, I got up, marching over to where Kayn sat. He seemed to understand, or at the very least his ego had deflated enough to let it slide. He handed me Rhaast, who was getting to the part where pliers would get involved.

The Darkin paused mid-rant.

" _What are you-_ "

 ** _WHACK_**

 ** _WHACK_**

 ** _WHACK_**

 ** _WHACK_**

 ** _WHACK_**

 ** _WHACK_**

 ** _WHACK!_**

It might not have actually been the case, but when I slammed Rhaast against the floor, I felt like I might've splintered the shaft a little. I knew for sure that I had knocked a chip or two off the head of the blade..

" _Is this what being drunk feels like?_ " Rhaast asked.

"No, that's more of a hangover feeling, really." I replied. I frowned. "At least, I think it is." I glanced over at Kayn. He nodded. I'd never really gotten drunk before, so I needed a little outside expertise. Immunity to alcohol, and all that.

"Now, if you would be so kind, _shut up._ " I tossed him back into Kayn's hand, plopping my rear back down on the floor. "I'm terrified enough as it is, knowing what Selene might be doing to her and Pantheon."

" _Oh right, the man with the helmet!_ " Rhaast doesn't pay much attention to people's names. He just kind of gives them weird nicknames, or titles to act as substitution. " _Maybe they'll take his spear and-_ "

" _Shut. **Up.**_ " I glared. "You're not helping."

" _I kill people. For fun._ " He rolled his eye. " _When was helping **ever** in the job description?_"

"Get the plunger ready when I get us out of here." I told Kayn. "We're going to find Twitch, have him shit in a toilet, then stick Rhaast down there by the shaft and have him clean it until it's spotless."

" _Which one is Twitch again?_ " Rhaast asked.

"The rat."

" _...Oh. That doesn't sound fun._ "

"It's not supposed to be." I replied. "Now _shut up._ "

Aatrox sighed. " _He's always been this way, unfortunately. The day he shuts up is the day the world ends, and only because he's probably the one who ended it in the first place._ "

"As his older brother, you still need to keep a tighter leash on him." I said.

" _And how am I supposed to do that?_ " He asked. " _I don't have any hands._ "

"Well, here's hoping we can fix that shortly, then." I replied.

"Wait." Kayn squinted, tilting his head up. "I hear something. Listen."

Footsteps. It was impossible to tell how many, but it sounded like a lot. They got closer and closer as their owners marched further down the corridor, coming into view as dark silhouettes through the muddled walls of our cell.

"They're feeding us early today." Kayn noted, running his finger along the edge of Rhaast's blade. He brought it up to admire the blood trickling down, his excitement clear in his eyes. "How lucky for us."

I was inclined to agree (mutilating a Lunari can be _very_ satisfying when you have a personal vendetta), but something made me feel uneasy. They'd adhered to a strict schedule, and were only switching it up _now?_ That didn't feel right. There were a lot more guards present than there usually were too, if the vast multitude of footsteps was anything to go by.

The Shadow Reaper's hands twitched around the shaft of his scythe as the figures came right up to our cell, almost visible through the wall of light. I hunched over, covering my face with my arms while laying Aatrox across my waist.

"Not that one." A voice barked. The Noxian/Lunari paused, just as their fingers were inches away from pressing the switch to open the cell (as far as I could figure, there was some sort of rune on the front that let them do so). "Not yet. Get the others inside first."

The soldier stepped away, walking around the edge of our cell. Kayn looked visibly disappointed, but I was more intrigued. Others?

"You know they're going to put up a fight." The grunt replied. "It'd be easier just to subdue these three first."

"If you want to try, be my guest." The first voice offered. "Those two have killed just about everyone that's even taken a _peek_ in there."

"Damn." He said. "And the other three?"

"They shouldn't be much of a problem. At least the bounty hunter and fish, anyways." The other one replied. "She won't get her guns for a while, and the other one's useless without that staff of hers. If you can take a slap to the face with a tail, you'll be fine."

"And the vastaya?"

"She'll claw your eyes out if she gets the chance." I could feel him rolling his eyes. "What else? You think they're just for show?"

"I'd say that about the rest of her." He snickered, in a way that made my skin crawl. "It's a shame that we couldn't have our fun with her. She'd have given us quite a party."

"Lord Ganymede's orders were clear." He replied. "They need to be kept in decent condition. If we disobey, we get lynched by the drakehounds. Is that so hard to understand?"

"...Yes sir." The grunt said. Oof, drakehounds. They're a bit of a fan favorite in Noxus. Their name pretty much gives it all away. They're dragons, but more like dogs. They're a distant relative of dragons, actually. Shyvana and Aurelion Sol both resent them immensely, because they're cheap knockoffs. And stupid. By all the _gods,_ they're stupid. But as a counter, they're bloodthirsty. Piranhas ain't got _shit_ on the way they eat.

"Now get them in." His commanding officer ordered. "I don't fancy getting torn apart today."

There was the odd sound of multiple cells opening, which sounds like a pod of whales having an aneurism. "Are the barriers up?" The officer asked.

"Sir, yes sir." Another grunt replied.

"Good. Now get those cells linked, and keep your weapons at the ready." He said. "For the love of our empress, _be careful this time_. We don't need a repeat of last time. I've _still_ got third-degree burns on my shoulder because _you_ idiotsweren't ready."

The walls of our cell began to warp and sputter, shimmering like a mirage. Then, three tiny openings presented themselves, growing bigger and bigger with each passing second. Kayn looked about ready to take advantage of that, when a glowing white barrier cut him off once again. I'd been boxed in too, though mine was a bit smaller. That made me feel _immensely_ uncomfortable.

"You've got her, right?" The grunt asked.

"Yeah. Shouldn't be too hard to hold her down." Another grunt replied. "Why?"

"Because we're moving them to a cell full of psychopaths, that's why." He replied, irritated.

"Well, if you just _focus_ and do your job, we should be fine." His friend said. "Ready?"

"One."

"Two."

"Three!"

The footsteps thundered into the cell farthest away from ours.

There was a cry of pain, followed by soldiers rushing to the scene of their comrade. "Shit, what'd I _tell you?_ " The officer asked. " _Don't get too close._ "

"I thought you had her!" The grunt said to his friend, groaning. "What do you think she has those tails for, _cosmetics?_ " His figure cringed. "Damn, I think she almost got an artery."

As our cell connected to the next one over, we finally heard the commotion being made by our fellow prisoner. She was _cray cray_ _,_ hissing like a pit of vipers and flaying layer upon layer of skin with her claws. Scratches that bad have a very distinct sound, and it isn't pretty. It's enough to give you goosebumps, I can tell you that much.

The guards piled on top of her, throwing her down to the ground as they tried to subdue her. She wasn't making it easy for them. She'd kick a few of them off, then lay into whoever was unlucky enough to be close to her. I was fairly certain that she'd gotten an eye once or twice.

Could it be...?

"Get the other two in there!" The officer ordered. "I'll deal with this one myself."

 _WHAM!_

I saw his figure swing some sort of heavy weapon, possibly a hammer. The frenzied vastaya went limp with a whimper, slumping to the floor.

Rage flared in my chest, sending my mind into a haze.

 _Damn him._

"Get the _hell_ off of me, you son of a-" As the other two openings expanded, I heard the struggles of our other new friends. All three were female, and I was starting to think I knew who they were.

The second prisoner put up a hell of a fight, even without her guns. She kicked and punched and headbutted and clawed, until a punch to her jaw shut her up. The third prisoner was struggling, but didn't appear to actually be fighting against her captors. It wasn't like she could do much of anything, considering that she had a tail instead of legs.

It really _was_ them.

The holes in the wall expanded to the point where they were big enough to walk through, and several Noxians marched in, three holding a body over one shoulder.

"What are _you_ looking at?" The officer asked, sneering at me as I glared at him from under my hood. "Got something to say?"

I didn't answer.

"Set them down." He ordered, after losing interest. "Then you're all heading down to the med bay." He shook his head. " _Empress_ , you're all useless." He had ample reason to suggest that much. They were a sorry sight to see. Several of them actually _had_ lost an eye, and one of them had been unfortunate enough to lose _both._ Claws had torn through chinks in their armor, and they were losing a lot more blood than they should've been comfortable with. That brought me plenty of satisfaction.

The prisoners were thrown onto the floor, which probably hurt. They turned to leave, before their commander paused behind them.

"You'll only be staying with each other for a little while." He said, with a glance over his shoulder. "Get to know each other better until then. You won't be very entertaining if you don't play nice."

He fished out a rune from a container on his belt, opening a hole in our cell for he and his troops to walk through.

His men had just exited when the vastaya pounced on him from behind, sinking her teeth into his neck. He screamed, blood gushing from the wound. He was still alive enough to do some quick thinking, though, and tossed the rune through the opening just before it closed, ruining our chances of escape. As punishment, Kayn and I joined in on the fun once our barriers were down, ripping him apart with our weapons. His men freaked out on the other side, presumably running down to the med bay.

The three of us fell to the floor once we'd finished, panting. We'd _really_ gone nuts, and there wasn't much of him left to identify. But _damn,_ that felt good.

Now that _that_ was over, it was time to catch up with one of my best friends.

"Ugh." Ahri grimaced, wiping the blood off her tarnished clothing. Her tails were stained red in some places, and her hands had blood all over them. "This is why I hate going feral." She shot a glance at Kayn. "Kayn."

"Ahri." He grunted. "Nice to see you again."

"I guess." She replied. "You're not my first choice, but beggars can't be choosers."

" _Can we do that again?_ " Rhaast gleefully asked. " _That was a nice warmup. Give me the main event!_ "

She rolled her eyes.

"You handled yourself pretty well with Aatrox." She continued, choosing to ignore him and turning towards me. "I'm surprised that he didn't try to-"

Ahri's eyes were blown wide open, tails going rigid.

She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She blinked, eyes bleary as she cupped her mouth with both hands.

"Hey." I smiled. "I, uh...I'm not too late to help you pull some crazy stunt, am I? I know that you had a plan for when the war ended and everything." My smile turned sheepish. "I guess I kind of screwed that up. Sorry."

She started trembling, closing her eyes as tears flowed down her cheeks. I was getting a little teary-eyed myself, because... _gods,_ it'd been way too long.

"You don't have to cry, you know." I chuckled, though my throat felt a little raw. "It's not like I said I wasn't going to come back or-"

"Just shut up." Ahri said, throwing her arms around me.

"I can do that." I replied, returning the hug.

And just like that, my day got just a little brighter; just a little warmer. Ahri and I both smelled like shit (where do you think we went in a cell with no toilet?), we hadn't had a bath in weeks and we both looked worse for wear, but we were both _alive._ Ahri's tails curled around me, and even though they were absolutely filthy, they were still soft, and incredibly warm.

"I missed you so much." She bawled. "I thought you were dead."

"I almost was." I replied. "Which, if I'm being honest, might've been a nice change. I hear they've got room service in the afterlife. And free Netflix."

She barked out a strangled laugh. "That was terrible, even for you."

"Yeah, things haven't been as fun for me lately." I said. "But, y'know, I'm getting there. Get me a spa treatment and a fresh set of clothes and I'll feel right and dandy."

"That would be nice." Sarah groaned, picking herself up off the floor. "That last punch wasn't half bad."

"I wouldn't mind a bit of water either." Nami agreed, awkwardly spreading herself out across the floor. "I haven't seen the ocean in forever."

"You know what I'd absolutely kill for right now?" I asked. "A fire. It's colder than Lissandra's ass in here, even without windows."

Foxfire danced along Ahri's fingertips. "I can help with that. Though I'd need something to keep it burning."

All seven of us turned our attention to the officer's corpse.

 _"Now this is how you bundle up." Rhaast sighed, once we'd gotten the body burning properly. "Warmth, comfort, the smell of rot and decay as my enemies suffer, what's not to like?_ "

The smell. But other than that, yeah, I couldn't really complain. Ahri and I had huddled up next to each other, her tails serving as a blanket while I regaled my friends with tales of my latest exploits.

This was nice. Like old times.

* * *

Selene has the worst alarm clock system ever. And her subjects have the worst _baths_ ever, too.

Imagine, if you will, that you're woken up in the morning by a kick to the gut. At what passes for dawn. By the time you realize what's going on, you've already been dogpiled by around two dozen Noxians who all have the demeanor of a moose with a concussion. They tie you down, throw a bag over your face (thank the gods for that) and drag you through the corridors, while your friends suffer similar treatment. Nami didn't get hooked by a fishing pole, luckily.

Anyways, when they're finished hauling your quote-unquote "fat ass" to the baths, you've probably procured plenty of bumps and bruises along the way. They throw you into a dark room, remove the bags, then pull a switch that submerges the entire room in freezing water for about thirty seconds. Only Nami remotely enjoyed that, and that's just because she's a _fish._ She _didn't_ enjoy it all the way because the water was filthy, mixed with mud and grime . She came out worse for wear, as did we all, which was odd, because ground-type moves normally have a weakened effect on water types.

They don't even _feed_ you beforehand. I was hungry, and I _actually_ wanted the biscuits. It wasn't freaking Chef Boyardee, but it filled my stomach.

The apes then put the bags back on, drag you through the halls _again,_ then stop at a door to a gigantic cylindrical elevator. They beat you up some more (and they're smart enough to only touch Aatrox and Rhaast with a giant pair of tongs), then force-feed you health potions until you're feeling halfway decent.

The elevator then goes up, and when you reach the top you're momentarily blinded by light of an intensity that you hadn't seen in months. Your friends receive their weapons back, but they're unpolished and smell like they'd been thrown in a closet for a month.

Such was the start to our day.

It sucked.

And when you've just about had enough, guess whose voice you get to hear as the grand finale?

" _WELCOME TO THE LEAGUE OF DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVEN!_ "

Oh yes.

And at the same time, oh hell naw.

The pimp walrus from the circus was having the time of his life. From his central platform at the end of the gigantic stadium from where we'd entered, he flexed his biceps and struck poses for the roaring crowd, made up of Lunari, Noxians and...Demacians? They were fitted to the color standard now, but the blue incorporated made it kind of obvious. Draven himself was garbed in a shining silver alternative to his typical outfit, and I do mean _shining._ It was disgustingly bright, like the 30-watt bulbs in a department store. White, cold and generally nauseous to look at.

Hoo, did the Rift look different from how I remembered it. You probably know the general stuff, but the brush wasn't going to be hiding anybody. It looked like mutated seaweed, glowing and twisted at awkward angles. It also had an odd haze about it, wisps of bioluminescent vapor trailing off. That did _not_ look healthy. I was going to faint with one whiff of that stuff, probably.

" _Yeah! YEAH!_ " Draven shouted, spinning his axes. He basked in the thunderous applause of the audience, delighting in the way they adored him. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"

It all made sense now.

I was top.

Ahri was mid.

Kayn was jungle.

Sarah was bot.

And Nami was supporting.

This was nostalgic, but for all the wrong reasons.

Darius was hanging back next to his brother, arms crossed. Farther back, seated in the VIP chair high above the crowd, was none other than Ganymede, flanked by three Lunari guards on each side. He had one leg folded over the other, splaying his fingers across his lap as he silently regarded the spectacle.

"Welcome, welcome, _welcome,_ everybody!" Draven said. "Are you all ready for a good time?"

The crowd roared.

" _I CAN'T HEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAR YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!_ " He yelled.

Their volume rose to an earsplitting shriek, so loud that my eardrums felt like they were ready to bleed.

"That's more like it!" He grinned. "This is the very first match of the League of Draven _ever,_ and have we got a show for you tonight!"

"All in honor of our Empress, of course." He smirked, looking up while taking a bow.

I looked up too.

My heart stopped.

 _She was right there._

Selene was in her full phase, blocking out the sun (me) as her light shone down on the stadium.

This was it.

It was all over.

I clenched my eyes shut, waiting for her to strike me down on the spot.

...

...

...

I slowly counted to ten.

Nothing.

 _What?_ I thought. _I should be dead by now. Why hasn't she fired a giant death laser? I should've been vaporized._

Did she...not recognize me?

No way. Bullshit. My cloak, hood and scarf could only hide me so well. The shard in my chest was a dead giveaway for anyone who hadn't gone bat-shit crazy after I'd been impaled. ...Which was relatively few, surprisingly. Or maybe not. People love me, so they tend to get emotional when bad stuff happens to me. Must be because I'm so hot.

But enough about how good-looking I am. This was...weird. Something was up. There was some kind of game being played here.

Well, I mean, besides what was going on.

"Hail to the Empress. May her light remain pure and everlasting." Draven said, still bent over.

The audience echoed his statement. I grimaced.

"So, here's what's going to happen!" He said, standing up as the crowd quieted down. "You all remember how the old League of _Legends_ worked, right?"

They voiced their confirmation.

"Eh, it was fun and all, but not really my style." The Glorious Executioner rubbed his index finger and thumb together, admiring the motion lazily. "Not enough emphasis on _me._ Or the Empress. Plus, Draven had to do what the _Summoners_ wanted me to. 'Draven, do this. Draven, kill that dragon. Draven, buy this little trinket.' How boring is _that?_ "

"So this time, we're switching things up!" He grinned. "This time, _Draven_ get to call the shots! No Summoners, no items, no Summoner _spells,_ no _nothing!_ Just good old-fashioned slaughter, just the way I like it!"

" _Ooh. I like the sound of that._ " Rhaast said.

" _Not helping._ " I spat, through clenched teeth.

"So! The rules, other than that, are pretty simple." Draven said. "Escort your minions, take the towers down, kill stuff, blah blah blah. You get the idea."

"Except for a few things." His smile turned _really_ unpleasant. "First off, we don't have any _ordinary_ minions. In fact, our minions are none other than the Demacian regiments that were spared after our Empress's victory! Ain't that nice of her?" _What?_ We were going to be escorting actual _people?_ There was a _reason_ that we used mindless drones. Normal people can't handle the prospect of dying over and over again. That's what makes champions so special: they're resilient enough to take it. Or crazy anyways.

"The bodies aren't going to disappear after they die, either." He continued. "I figure that'll make things a _lot_ more interesting." Oh, joy, people were going to get to stare their corpses right in the eyes.

"Second rule: new perk of taking the main objective. You blow up the enemy Nexus, you take the entire enemy team with it. You'll all be shielded, of course, but it might still sting a little. The other team...well, they won't be fighting again any time soon." He laughed. "But hey, you never know! Just give Draven and the fans a good time! You get to stay alive if you do!"

...Shit.

"Finally: throughout the match, there might be some... _changes_ being made to the map." I noticed that a few select spots in front of the spawn area had rectangular indents into them, suggesting that the floor underneath was hollow. The same was true with different shapes for other areas of the map. The hell was _this shit?_ If there were going to be traps, I _swore to gods..._

"All of these new toys will be operated by none other than our chief engineer, _Ellis Delande!_ "

My head snapped up.

Draven pointed across the stadium.

There had been a hole cut in the seating area at the center, making room for a giant control board with monitors, switches and keyboards appropriately placed. They all appeared to be connected to the Rift, the map puffing out little wisps of steam through the cracks as he made minor adjustments.

Ellis looked awful.

His artificial arm was missing. He had bags under his eyes so deep that I could see them all the way from the spawn area. His movements were sluggish, further suggesting that he hadn't gotten much sleep in a while. His hair was disheveled, tangled in a rat's nest at one small patch on his head. Sona wasn't there with him, either. That was worrying.

He looked up at Draven, giving a small nod.

"Alright! Almost ready to go!" Draven said. "But first..." He snapped his fingers behind him. Two Lunari guards stepped up, dragging someone in between them.

"You know, I'm hoping that this match goes alright. It's the first one, and all that." He said. "So why not get a little blessing from above in order to help things go smoothly? Bring her out, boys!"

So many familiar faces, so little time.

Leona was barely recognizable. Her armor was missing several plates, and she looked a bit thinner than she used to be. Her sword and shield were nowhere to be found, and her face wasn't looking so hot, either.

"Well? Come on!" Draven bent down to grab her chin, forcing her face up. "You're so confident that the sun will save you, right? Seeing as how many of his friends are present, you might wanna give a little prayer to keep them safe."

Oh, Leo, what had they done to you? What had _I_ done to you?

Her mouth moved, but no sound came out.

"Mind speaking a little louder?" Draven asked. "C'mon, everybody's gotta be able to hear it."

" _Please..._ " She said.

"Everybody quiet down!" He ordered. "This is gonna be good!"

The crowd complied.

"I don't..." Leona paused.

"I don't know if you can hear me. I don't know if it's even worth it, if you're not even there. You're dead. I know that." She stopped again, catching her breath. Her new home hadn't been kind to her, clearly. "But _please._ If it's still within your power, if you still have _some_ kind of influence over what happens next, then don't let everyone you love die. They deserve better than that."

"And that's all you're getting." She glared up at the executioner. "You can go to hell."

Draven shrugged. "Suit yourself. Though you may want to go there first, seeing as you're gonna get to watch your hubby die."

She blanched.

"So, how was _that,_ huh?!" He roared to the audience. " _Wasn't that something?!_ "

And they _laughed_ in response. They actually _laughed._ Even the Demacians. Now _that_ was just despicable. So much for Demacian honor.

" _NOW LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR OUR CONTESTANTS!_ " Draven yelled, and they were directed back into applause.

" _FOR THE BLUE TEAM, WE HAVE..._ "

He squinted down at me.

"Who's this, again?"

I felt the eyes of the entire stadium on me.

Oh, boy. Oh, gods. Oh, shit.

Then, a Lunari came forward and whispered in his ear. "Eh? He's, uh...ah, gotcha. Okay."

" _ASTERIOS AS OUR TOPLANER!_ " He exclaimed.

(AN: Si, if you're reading this, subtle reference drop.)

 _Asterios?_ Who the hell came up with-

I looked up at Darius.

He cast me a fleeting glance.

Clever bastard.

" _AHRI MID! MISS FORTUNE BOT! NAMI SUPPORT! AND KAYN JUNGLE!_ "

They were eating us up, but that didn't feel like much of a good thing. In a way, it almost felt literal. We were all probably going to die, and they looked pretty bloodthirsty. Was this what high school reunions felt like? I mean...not even that. Just reunions in general. The band was all back together, and we weren't even going to get so say so much as _hi_ before getting eviscerated. Nevertheless, Ahri and the others had given me motivation to at least _try_ to stay alive, which I had every intention of doing. ...And probably failing.

" _ON THE RED TEAM!_ "

" _PANTHEON TOP!_ "

My heart lurched.

The Fog of War was up around the Rift, unfortunately. I couldn't see the enemy spawn camp, or who was in it. But _dammit,_ I was going to have to fight _Pantheon_ to the death?

" _SYNDRA MID!_ "

" _EZREAL BOT!_ "

" _THRESH SUPPORT!_ "

Now this was just unfair.

There were too many terrible options, and absolutely zero decent ones. Without my friends from the alternate Zaun and Demacia, I had no way of getting us out of here. There were no escape plans, guards at every exit, and all of us were outnumbered, even if we _did_ team up against Draven.

Next to me, Nami looked mortified. Sarah cast a worried glance at her, which I shared. I was wholeheartedly convinced that Selene had a part to play in this. The prospect of someone being forced to kill their own lover was just too enticing for her to ignore. And Nami was the _support,_ too. If Ezreal got one well-placed shot in, regardless of whether he wanted it or not...

Syndra was mid. That was...bad. Very bad. If they'd been able to shackle _her,_ then we were screwed. This fight was to the _death._ Did that also mean no restrictions on our powers? None at all? I was almost tempted to pray to _myself,_ like Leona had done.

" _AND FINALLY, SERVING AS JUNGLER, THE GREAT-GREAT-GRANDDAUGHTER OF THE SUN HIMSELF..._ "

" _SHYVANA!_ "

* * *

No.

No no no no _**NO!**_

Not like this.

Please, not her.

Anyone but her.

Ahri let out a tiny gasp, looking over towards me. "Oh my gods." She placed a hand on my shoulder. "Are you going to be okay?"

"No." I replied.

That settled it. There was no way in _hell_ I was going to fight if it meant killing _Shyvana_ of all people. They could take me first. I'd already almost-died once. The real deal couldn't be that bad compared to the alternative.

I still couldn't see anyone on the other side. My sense of urgency was kicking into overdrive, fueled by my desperate desire, my _need_ to see her again. I didn't care if I'd get myself killed from disobeying; I was going to protect her no matter what.

"You all ready, ladies and gentlemen?" Draven asked. This time, it was directed at a VIP box above where Ellis was stationed, and seated inside it were the heads of Demacia's ruling houses, including...Garen? And Lux? Fiora was sitting next to them, and all three were naturally bearing the Selene Treatment. It was an ill-fitting look for the light mage in particular.

And, y'know, Vayne was there too, but Vayne is, well...Vayne. Project skin or not, nobody really cares if she burns in a fiery pit.

"Then _LET'S DO THIS!_ " He shouted. "Summoners, get ready!" Surprise, surprise, Selene had her own version of _those,_ two. Sellouts, all of them. Dressed in dark grey robes, they took their places on platforms above the stadium, ten in total. Summoners, Leona, Pantheon, Shyvana, boy, wasn't this a party? Get out the cheap paper hats and champagne, because this was a cause for celebration. Kinda.

All of a sudden, the group was greeted with a Surprise Mind Lynch.

It felt like someone had driven a sword into my brain. All of fell to the ground with a scream, as the Summoners wormed their way into our heads. This wasn't like Ellis and I had done so many times previously. This wasn't guidance - this was control.

 _Submit._ The Summoner's voice echoed.

 _Go to hell._ I promptly replied.

 _ **SUBMIT.**_ He tried again, twisting the blade and making me scream.

 _ **YOU OBEY THE WILL OF THE EMPRESS NOW.**_

 _ **YOU ARE A TOOL, MADE TO SERVE.**_

 _ **WHEN YOU ARE GIVEN A COMMAND, YOU WILL OBEY.**_

 _ **YOUR LIFE IS ENTERTAINMENT. YOUR DEATH, THE SAME.**_

 _ **YOU FOLLOW MY EVERY ORDER, FOR THE GLORY OF LADY SELENE.**_

" _How about **no?**_ " Aatrox asked.

The crystal in his blade pulsed red. The Lunari Summoner cried out in pain, as did the one linked to Kayn. They momentarily fell limp, before standing up. Their faces were oddly neutral, holding no trace of emotion.

 _What just happened?_ I thought.

" _I made contact with their minds._ " He replied, grunting. " _Humans. They value themselves so much, yet their competence is sorely lacking. I barely had to put any effort into it._ "

 _I'm guessing the same thing happened with Kayn's Summoner?_

" _Oh yes. But Rhaast has always been a bit more... **thorough** with his advancements._ " Kayn's Summoner was foaming at the mouth. Euch. Luckily, nobody apart from us noticed.

Ahri, Sarah and Nami weren't as lucky. Their bodies were moving against their will, stiff and awkward as their new masters got a feel for directing them. But for the sake of keeping up appearances, I had no choice but to act as if I was under the same effect. Kayn had the same idea, acting the part surprisingly well.

" _LET THE GAMES BEGIN!_ " Draven proclaimed.

The barrier went down, and we were off, speeding towards our respective lanes.

The "minions" wouldn't spawn for around a minute, which left me a bit of time to worry. And fret. And all those other nasty things that give you goosebumps and butterflies in your stomach.

 _Helios._ Kayn's voice resounded in my head. Ah, so the mental bond was still present too. Good. That would hopefully make it easier to survive. Champions had separate bonds from the one they shared with their Summoners, so we couldn't be heard. But Selene's Summoners might decide to change the rules, which meant that I'd have to be careful.

 _What? What's up?_ I asked.

 _Invasion._

 _Oh. Be there in a jiffy._

Ah, dammit. Already? They were being aggressive this time around.

I wove through the corridors of the jungle, taking in the altered wolves, Gromp and raptors as I passed. "Everything is Weird" was the day's recurring theme, apparently. I vaulted over the wall à la Talon, coming to a stop as I witnessed Kayn, Sarah and Nami attempt to steal a...whoa.

Silver Sentinels were...smooth. That's a weird thing to say, but when you get used to the bumps and rough edges the Blue Sentinel normally has, it's the first thing you notice. Riot has odd rework priorities, I'll tell you that.

(AN: Uh...)

Shaddap. It's been a while.

And there she was.

My little dragoness.

My heart ached. Like everyone else, Shyvana didn't look so good. Her armor was dented, and few patches of her skin remained unblemished from minor injuries. "Decent condition," my ass. Her gauntlets looked okay, but I was a bit worried at what her hands might've looked like underneath. Ezreal was mostly the same, but Thresh...not so much. He's basically a ghost anyways.

Ezreal took notice of me, charging up his gauntlet and aiming a shot in my direction. Revenge for what happened to his counterpart, probably. Curse you, plot. I dove behind a wall, charging straight at him once he needed to recharge. I took a swipe at him, exaggerating the swing so that it'd miss. I needed to stall, figure out a plan, _something. i_

Kayn, on the other hand, was being _much_ more enthusiastic. He gleefully cut a line through Thresh's midsection, delighting in the way the specter howled. He almost took off Ezreal's _head_ next, before turning his attention to Shyvana, granted an opening from Sarah's cover fire.

Uh, _no._ Absolutely _not._ But what could I do? Draven would get suspicious if I tried to stop him.

Pantheon and Syndra still weren't here, but a quick glance behind me showed that Ahri was dealing with them at her tower. Don't underestimate her, boys and girls. The things she can do with her orb and foxfire are absolutely insane.

Kayn swung at my granddaughter again, which she...clumsily blocked with her gauntlets. He kept coming, aiming at her chest, her sides, her throat. She blocked each one, but she was on the defensive, and she looked... _scared._ That _definitely_ wasn't like her.

Flames burst to life at her hands, and she attempted to throw a fireball. It hit its mark, sending Kayn stumbling back. But the burn only stung, and was hardly enough to leave lasting damage. She yelped as his scythe went right over her head, falling to the floor just in time to dodge the blow. What the hell was going _on?_

I shook myself out of my stupor as Thresh threw his hook, latching onto Nami and pulling her in. Ezreal looked horrified as he primed his shot. I spared him the act and smacked the hook off, allowing it to return to his side. Sarah followed up with a barrage of bullets, sending both of them back to their lane.

A lucky shot by Kayn felled the Sentinel, and just like that the trade was over. I glanced over at Shyvana as she sprinted away. Well, more like _stumbled._ She was moving slower, hunching over ever-so-slightly as she disappeared into the brush.

"She's in a delicate condition, in case you were wondering." Kayn said, stopping me as I made to go back to top lane.

"What?" I asked.

"I'd been meaning to tell you, but I suppose that now's a good a time as any." He replied.

Delicate condition?

...He couldn't mean-

" _She's got a little dragonet in her!_ " Rhaast finished, happier than deemed appropriate for the setting. " _And if she makes one wrong move, it's going to die._ "

* * *

 _ **Obvious?**_

 _ **Probably.**_

 _ **Still worth adding?**_

 _ **Absolutely.**_

 _ **Have mercy on my poor soul!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


	57. Why Now, and Why Me?

_**Have no fear, for Fic is here! What's going on, everybody? I know this chapter is just a TAD bit late, but I was on holiday in Thailand, so this was the fastest I could get it out. Hm. Wonder how many chapters I have until I finish this thing. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE writing TDHA, but I've got other projects I'd like to work on, you know? I can't have THAT long until I finish, can I? Anyways, this time around, Helios has to deal with his family getting a little bigger, along with trying to figure out how to save everyone when they're all in a fight to the death. My my, how will he get out of this one? ...Probably the same way as always: winging it. LET'S GET IT ON!**_

* * *

"She's... _pregnant?_ " I said.

Kayn nodded.

"How...how could you even know that?"

"The guards rotated which cells we were placed in for weeks, before they finally gave us a permanent location." He replied. "She told me herself, when we shared a cell for a few days." He set Rhaast's head on the ground, leaning against the butt of the scythe as he rubbed his index finger and thumb together. "They didn't make the same mistake twice, as you can probably imagine."

I suddenly felt drained. My legs felt like they were going to buckle.

"How long?" I asked, swallowing.

"Since just before Noxus invaded, I think." He said. "I wasn't there, but Master Zed told me that she'd experienced a sudden surge in strength around that time."

" _But now, all the fight's gone out of her._ " Rhaast grunted. " _It's no fun to kill them when they're just meatsacks waiting to be butchered._ "

Oh, like _that_ was a mental image that I needed. On one hand, what I'd just learned certainly explained a lot. I recalled Shyvana wanting to tell me something before the battle, and the blue flames she'd conjured also came to mind. On the other hand...oh, _gods._

I straightened up, though my knees were still shaking. "Kayn. So help me gods, if you kill her _once_ during this match, or even _touch_ her..."

He held up a hand. "I'll do my best."

" _I won't._ " Rhaast said.

"Shut up."

" _No._ "

I decided to leave the two of them to their bickering (again), realizing that Pantheon was already advancing on my tower. He could probably take a few deaths, right? I was going to feel bad about it, sure, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

I was halfway through the jungle when I encountered the first of Draven's little "bonuses." I failed to notice the indents in the dirt, and I found the floor disappearing beneath me. I yelped (though some who were watching will argue it was a scream, which is a lie) as I plummeted, my fingers just grabbing the edge.

" _Ooooooooh,_ so close!" Draven laughed.

Rows of spears had been inconveniently placed at the bottom of the pit. Go figure. I pulled myself out with a curse, consoling myself with fantasies of Draven's head on a pike. I ran to my lane, and my heart sank once I arrived. There really _were_ Demacian soldiers instead of minions. Their resolve was more or less confused, as while they didn't want to die, they didn't want to kill their comrades either.

 _Damn it._

No choice.

"Come on guys, let's go!" I shouted, barreling into the opposition. Aatrox made short work of anyone stupid enough to stick around, sating his thirst for blood as he slit throats and gutted hearts. My men reluctantly shrugged off their fear and charged after me.

 _BONG!_

I fell to the ground in a daze, clutching my forehead. A dark blur alerted me to the spear heading for my neck, and I clumsily blocked with my sword in reply. Pantheon's spear became a blur, and I winced as I felt several cuts open up along my arms.

"We don't have to do this." I said, getting back to my feet.

He thrust his spear through the chest of a footsoldier who'd been feeling ballsy, yanking it out and dancing out of my turret's range.

"Yes. We do." He replied, retreating back to his approaching wave. Aatrox could've probably hit him at that range, but...

" _You hesitate._ " The Darkin said.

"Only to kill him. I won't hesitate to defend myself." I replied.

" _And how are you going to keep_ all _of us alive? Our options are limited._ "

"I don't know, I'll think of something." I said. "I always do, right?"

" _Try to convince_ yourself _of that before convincing_ me." He replied.

I hated it when he was right.

I waited for my men to collect themselves, then urged them forward, straight toward Pantheon's tower. He stood guard with his spear planted in the ground, waiting for me. He pulled it out once I reached him, deflecting my overhead strike with his shield before going for my ribs. I twisted around him, slashing towards his back. He blocked again, forcing me to jump backwards as he jabbed at my neck. I spun and crouched, swiping at his midsection and rolling backwards to avoid his spear.

"Let's turn up the _heat,_ shall we?" Draven appeared pleased at his mediocre pun (as a professional pun-maker, he should be _pun_ ished for being such an amateur), gesturing for Ellis to press a button on his control board.

Nozzles opened up on either side of the lane, glowing orange from the light within each one.

" _HIT THE DECK!_ " I yelled.

Both of us dropped to our stomachs as jets of flame burst forth, roasting our minions and singing the gigantic toothbrush on top of Pantheon's helmet. Colgate was going to be _pissed_ that one of its mascots had been damaged. And I'm not kidding, that's actually a thing. It was a weird thing the Institute wanted us to do as a PR move to encourage dental hygiene or whatever. It was mainly directed at Twitch, since at one point his breath was so bad that he actually made Nasus start hemorrhag- ah, you know what, not important. Moving on.

"Is he actually _insane?_ " I asked, once the heat had died down (pardon the pun).

"Wouldn't surprise me." Pantheon grunted. He looked more than irritated, considering that he was being manhandled by a Summoner who didn't give a shit about his personal opinion. Still, at least his reflexes were fast enough to get Pantheon to move when he needed to. That would hopefully remain true until I could figure something out.

As soon as we'd both gotten up, we continued fighting, as if nothing had happened. We were both in agreement about this whole situation, but at the same time, well...you know.

He deflected a thrust with his shield, then countered with one of his own, taking a bite out of my thigh. I fell to the ground, crippled. Pantheon raised his spear, ready to finish me, then sharply turned to the left as Kayn burst from the wall. He wasn't fast enough to avoid the ambush, and fell to his knees as the ninja carved a gigantic cut across his back. I seized the opportunity to lunge upward with Aatrox, plunging the blade deep into his chest.

"See you next wave." I said, pulling him out. The Rakkor's body slumped to the floor, then vanished, as if it'd never been there. Aatrox sucked up the leftover blood just before it did though, applying the power gained to healing my wound.

"Thanks for the assist." I said, getting to my feet.

"You might not want to thank me yet." He replied, looking over his shoulder. "The wildlife's a bit more voracious this time around, just so you know."

"The wildlife's more-" I looked where he was. "Oh gods."

The mutated wolves and raptors were surprisingly aggressive. So much so that they pursued Kayn even after he left their territory. They were also escorted by a Silver Sentinel, which was just overkill.

" _Dammit Kayn,_ why'd you have to bring them over _here?_ " I asked, shying away from a wolf's jaws. "Ganks are supposed to _save_ your teammates, not get them killed! Riot's very specific about this kind of thing, it's in the New Player Guide!"

"You're welcome!" He replied, cutting off the same wolf's head (though he still had to back off, because Rift Wolf Logic) and cutting a line through three raptors. "It's not like I had any other choice!"

" _Ohhhhhh, **right,**_ because you're the master assassin!" I said, ducking under the Sentinel's right hook. "Only a true master of shadow magic could be so spectacularly incompetent at clearing camps!"

" _I think you dealt a blow to his pride._ _"_ Rhaast noted, as a seething Kayn decapitated the golem after I removed its legs. " _What a savage._ "

"You know what that means?" I asked.

" _Well, when I call Kayn a complete noob for failing to secure jungle camps, I have to know what that is, right?_ " He replied.

"True." I agreed, finishing off the last of the wolves. "Proper terminology _is_ helpful for when you need to remind someone that they're useless."

" _I know!_ " He said. " _I might as well kill people by myself! What do I need_ him _for?_ "

Kayn whacked him against the ground.

" _Ow._ "

"Just finish getting the tower so we can move on." The _former_ cocky-ass bastard sighed, exasperated.

"Sure thing, Nipple Boy." I said, cleaving through minions on my way there.

"What- _THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!_ " He yelled after me.

" _SHUT UP, YES IT DOES!_ " I shot back. " _PUT ON A SHIRT ALREADY, YOU EXHIBITIONIST!_ "

When I have a lot of pent-up pressure, stuff like this happens. Thank the gods that Draven couldn't hear us over the noise.

I started chipping away at the tower's health, dancing in and out of range once each minion wave ran out. The bodies were beginning to stack up, and the soldiers looked unnerved seeing themselves like that. Couldn't blame them, really.

I was supposed to be strategizing, though. Getting out alive was the MO, after all. But, unfortunately, my mind was offering nada. I was a bit too focused on not dying. Which was ironic, because if I _didn't_ stop thinking about not dying, then I was _not_ going to not die. Funny how that works- _shit!_

My inner monologue was nearly proven right, as I ducked to avoid a fireball that went right over my head. Or, at least I thought I had. I'd ducked as soon as I saw the flames spark from her hands, but when I looked back, they actually hadn't gone any further than that. They hissed and flickered, then sputtered out.

" _Damn it._ " I heard heard Shyvana mutter. Her lack of firepower ultimately failed to discourage her from attacking, which she proceeded to do with as much ferocity as she could muster. I quickly realized just how much difficulty she was having. She was fast, but clumsy, and was getting more and more fatigued every time she swung with her gauntlets.

On one parry with Aatrox, I couldn't help but notice the sizeable bump that had begun to develop in her stomach.

I gulped.

" _Swing me at somewhere well-guarded._ " Aatrox advised. " _I wish to test her defenses._ "

I swung him towards my granddaughter's shoulder (no way in _hell_ was I going for the chest). In that moment, Shyvana seemed to be clashing with her Summoner. He attempted to make her deflect the blow, but she herself felt that running away was the best choice. It led her to take an awkward stance, stumbling to the floor as Aatrox connected with her gauntlet.

" _Say nothing._ " He said. " _We will be discovered if we converse._ "

That frustrated me, but I understood. She really wasn't in good shape, but it would only make things worse if I tried to help her now. I needed to be patient, and wait for an opportunity. To do _what..._ eh. Still working on that.

 ** _FWOOM!_**

The two of us recoiled as a sudden surge of light exploded from the mid lane.

" _Whoa,_ would you look at that, ladies and gentlemen!" Draven exclaimed, leaning against the railing. "Draven thinks we might've just found the highlight of the match!"

Whatever Ahri was doing, she was doing with no holds barred. Foxfire and dark magic was being flung left and right around the lane, clashing and crashing like tidal waves. That would provide a suitable distraction, assuming that Syndra didn't tear me limb from limb.

I left Shyvana on the ground, running towards mid. Instead of letting me, Shyvana staggered to her feet and gave chase, panting. She was pushing herself _hard,_ her sweat evaporating into vapors that I could smell from the raptor pit (which was empty at the moment, lucky me). When I got out of this place, I was going to _kill_ her Summoner, without hesitation.

Trying to discourage her, I gathered the energy stored in my blade and hurled two consecutive blasts of energy behind me. The shots were wide, which only made it easy for her to weave around them and continue her pursuit. So much for motivation.

" _I though we weren't supposed to hurt her._ " Aatrox said.

"Do as I say, not as I do." I mumbled. "And I wasn't _trying_ to. It's not my fault that she's so stubborn."

" _Er..._ "

"Not another word, Aatrox. Not another word."

Just as mid was in sight, Draven decided to introduce yet another surprise. A hole opened up on both walls of the jungle, and in the floor. A metal peg popped out of each one, locking themselves onto a track. Then, blades popped out, taking the form of a saw.

In my surprise, I tripped, falling to my hands and knees. Shyvana also noticed, falling to her rear as she and her Summoner clashed on how to best evade them. I helpfully gave the input of "Not that way _not that way!_ " as a suggestion, scrambling backwards as the sawblades shot toward us.

Shyvana slumped to the ground, exhausted. There was no way she could keep this up for the entirety of the match. She was going to hurt the baby at this rate.

She grunted with exertion as her Summoner forced her to get up, cradling her stomach. "What are _you_ looking at?" She snarled at me. She dropped into a fighting stance, claws smoldering. "I'm still going to kill you. Don't expect me to be grateful."

I ran away.

I figured that the sudden troll would stun her long enough to escape.

I was wrong.

Her Summoner was wholeheartedly determined to gank my ass until I died, which seemed a bit contradictory, considering that she was the only enemy present. Well, he couldn't be crazy enough to follow me into midlane, could he?

And _whoa,_ Syndra and Ahri were going at it. Ahri doesn't go all-out often (it ruins her hair, and you would not _believe_ how long it takes to make Gorgeous happen), but when she does, run for the hills. They're probably going to light on fire. Is she as strong as Syndra? No. She doesn't have the stamina. But in short bursts, she _can_ keep up with her, provided she paced herself and didn't run out of energy too quickly.

The terrain was suddenly thrown out from under their minions as Syndra picked it up with her magic. Ahri used her Spirit rush to dart around the massive chunks of rock as they flew at her, replying with a barrage of foxfire. The air smoldered with power as the two Ionians went to town on each other, exchanging blows that leveled the lane wherever they clashed.

Er, even _I_ wasn't sure if I wanted to go midlane. This looked _way_ out of my league.

But screw it, you gotta make baller moves every once in a while. Yolo, boys and girls. Yolo.

" _ALRIGHT, SYNDRA!_ " I yelled, charging at her with Aatrox in hand. " _PREPARE TO BE **GANKED!**_ "

She was _so_ going to hate me for this, once she found out who I was under the mask. I definitely felt a _little_ bad about it, but my brain was in Baller Mode, you see. It couldn't make rational decisions; only stupidly reckless ones that defied all common sense.

I was jerked back into reality when the dark mage turned to face me, with around a dozen dark spheres orbiting her.

I stopped in my tracks.

"Methinks that this wasn't a good idea." I said.

" _Really now?_ " Aatrox asked. " _I never would have guessed._ "

Five seconds later I was running through the jungle, screaming at the top of my lungs as Syndra blitzkrieged me with her spheres. She made it rain death balls while willing them to materialize along the ground, successfully reminding me why people don't gank Syndra. I was fairly certain that I'd wet myself.

" _GET BACK HERE!_ " Syndra yelled. The volume was amplified so much that it cracked the stone around her, making even the unusually aggressive jungle monsters nervous.

" _AHRI HELP AHRI HELP AHRI HELP AHRI HELP-_ " I screamed.

She was too busy split pushing. Gods, teammates can be such assholes. I mean, no offense to my _actual_ teammates, but when I ping for help, I expect to get some. And as far as I was aware, I didn't have anybody on my team who countered Syndra. Such was my life. Why me?

I got a little more than I bargained for in asking for help, though. In my efforts to leave Syndra in the dust, I'd stopped paying attention to where I was going.

And where I ended up going was straight towards the Rift Herald's den.

And you'd better _believe_ that that thing was moody. It went from zero to a hundred as soon as it laid eyes on me.

I was not fast enough.

Dying hurts, by the way.

* * *

Respawning isn't that much fun, either. I don't die on the Rift often, so there was never really a need to mention it, but it's basically the worst hangover you'll ever experience. You could down twelve mugs of Graggy Ice and it _still_ wouldn't be as bad.

" _Oh..._ " I groaned, massaging my temples. "When was _that_ added to the rules?"

" _I wasn't under the impression that there were_ rules _to begin with._ " Aatrox replied.

"Right, because Draven loves being a circus clown." I shook off my daze, spinning the blade in my hand. "Did they get Eye of the Herald?"

" _How should I know? There aren't any wards in this match._ "

I sighed. "I suppose we'd better check, then."

I looked up at the stands as I ran back towards the jungle. The audience was absolutely _loving_ it, screaming for blood as the slaughter piled up. Draven was having the time of his life, posing for the fans while Darius put his head in his hands. Ellis still looked gaunt, working furiously at the controls to keep up with Draven's demands. Garen, Lux and Fiora seemed to be focusing on Shyvana the most, getting on the edge of their seat every time she had a close call. She was having far too many of those.

Fiora met my gaze for the briefest of instances. She flicked her head towards the jungle.

Message received. Head in the game, Helios.

 ** _FWOOM!_**

The ground shook again, causing me to stumble. The mid lane was empty this time, though, so it must have been coming from the jungle. I'd been dead for thirty seconds (which, as we all know, is basically a year by Rift standards), and they were _still_ fighting over it? Why was Ahri only helping _now?_ ...Okay, to be fair, it wasn't her fault. Rift matches just make me salty, same as everybody else. Especially when things start going to hell.

After cutting my way through a few more minions (the problem with them being grown men is that they tend to soil themselves when they're just about to die), I arrived back at the jungle, though this time with more awareness of the things that were likely to kill me.

Syndra and Ahri weren't the only ones fighting. Like the start of the match, _everybody_ had come to the party. But, y'know. It wasn't a party. No cheap plastic hats. Or cake.

" _Now_ this _is my kind of party!_ " Rhaast said, as Kayn used him to take a chunk out of Ezreal's leg. " _Because there's death in it. And murder. It's a **murder party.**_ "

Thank you for your input, Rhaast. Your contribution to the matter at hand is strategically vital, as always.

True to my speculations, the Rift Herald was still kicking. It was a stubborn little beastie, thrashing about and smacking champions in the face with its claws whenever it could. It had also roped a few of the other monsters into its little operation, making the clash between both teams one giant cluster****.

Yeah, hey, remember High Councilor Kolminye? She's still watching me. Censor beeps are my salvation, boys and girls. She will smite me on the spot if I don't use them. I mean, literally. Lightning hurts.

Shyvana was...oh gods, she was _not_ playing it safe. She was being dragged into the fight and forced to go head-to-head with people who only had to _poke_ her to kill her. She needed to get out of there _now._

"I'm sorry!" Nami said, as she hurled a bubble at her.

"It's not-" She grunted, just getting out of the way in order to chuck a fireball that was only the size of a tennis ball. "It's not your fault." She chuckled, though it was tinged with bitterness. "I don't suppose you'd be willing to let me kill you, would you? It'd be appreciated if you could."

"Baby's gotta eat, huh?" The aquatic vastaya offered a wry smile.

No, stop, my feels were doing weird shit, I wasn't ready for this!

Shyvana smiled sadly, but it was soon suppressed as it transitioned into a sharp cry of pain. She clutched her head, hissing, which gave the Rift Herald enough time to attack. It waited until the wolves gave it an opening, then pounced. Its claws tore a deep gash in her thigh, and she screamed, falling limp.

My vision went red.

That slimy little maggot was _dead._

(I don't care how funny you think it is, Rhaast, so what if it rhymes? You sound like a freaking two-year-old, now _shut up._ I hope Kayn ultimately destroys you and sends you screaming into the abyss.

I also don't care if that's a low blow. You earned it.)

I'm not quite sure what I did exactly, but I seem to recall going for its eyes. One second it was going after my granddaughter, the next I'd gone in on it harder than Leona when she throws her sword. When my rage had finally subsided, and my vision had cleared, I saw that I'd somehow managed to cut off one of its front pincers, black blood spewing into the river. Kayn looked mildly disturbed, while Rhaast looked like a kid in a candy store. Syndra was actually granted a moment of pause by her Summoner.

The Rift Herald screeched, the scent of its own blood driving it into a frenzy. Aatrox felt the same way, however, and proceeded to disembowel the beast before removing its head. The Eye of the Herald appeared in my hand with a flash of purple, and I held it up for all the gathered champions to see.

"I'll just use this, if you don't mind." I said.

I turned and bolted for Pantheon's tower, and the pounding thunder of footsteps behind me indicated that the enemy team was _not_ having it. Syndra in particular was vocal about her displeasure, screaming bloody murder as she hurled sphere after sphere behind me.

Hoo boy.

Why had I decided to do this again?

A dark sphere collided with my back, causing me to faceplant in the river. A glowing green hook bit into the surface of the Eye, then yanked it back towards Thresh. He caught the slimy orb in one hand, but then Ahri tackled him, raking her claws across his face on the ground. She didn't even bother to apologize, but then again, Thresh was one of those people who she only _mildly_ tolerated. Psychopaths will be psychopaths, after all. Ahri yelped as Pantheon yanked her back by her tails, only for Nami to give him a fresh helping of saltwater to the face. The Eye bounced back and forth between each of us as we fought for it, dancing across our fingertips while we dogpiled one another.

Syndra flung everyone back in a telepathic shockwave, surrounding herself with dark spheres as a shield as she levitated the Eye into her hands. "I'm sorry it had to come to this," she said, "but only one can remain."

 _BOOM!_

The Eye suddenly exploded in her hands.

"What-" Syndra looked up.

Sarah had the smuggest expression I'd ever seen, holding up Awe as the barrel trailed smoke.

First rule of fighting someone armed with guns: don't give them a clear shot, because * _GASP*_ _they're ranged fighters._

The Rift Herald exploded into existence once more, only this time it was working for _us._ It screeched, then dove for the tower, smashing against the stone surface with twenty-five tons of muscle and carapace behind the slam. The tower couldn't handle the strain, and promptly collapsed.

Golisopod used Tackle. It was super effective.

Syndra's teammates all turned to look at her.

Her face slowly turned red.

" _Oooooooh!_ " Draven winced, grinning. "Looks like the blue team's closing in!"

Hell yeah. We were in the lead. We were _so_ going to win.

...Wait.

Oh, _shit._

We were going to _win._

Maybe.

It appeared to dawn on Sarah what that meant as well, realizing that she'd most likely made a Big Oopsie. Hm. To throw for a bit or _not_ to throw for a bit, that was the question. My personal objective was to buy time, but then again, only Kayn and I actually had any control over what we were doing. Sarah was already being forced to push with the Rift Herald, which was making steady progress towards the enemy base. Shit, I'd forgotten how fast that thing could move. What to do, what to do, what to do, _DAMN IT BRAIN THINK OF SOMETHING ALREADY-_

"Hm." Draven frowned. "You know what, this feels a little too easy. And Draven _did_ promise the fans a good show."

He snapped his fingers. "Reset button, please!"

Ellis grimaced, then pressed another switch.

And guess what popped out of the lanes _this_ time?

His very own signature turrets.

Oh, Irony. How I love thee and hate thee simultaneously.

The spray of bullets tore through the terrain, punching holes in walls that were at least four feet thick. As an extension, they tore through _us,_ felling most of my teammates in a matter of seconds, save for Kayn, who was only rivaled by Vladimir when it came to dodging attacks like a troll. The Rift Herald sustained some heavy damage too, its body peppered with bullet holes that oozed black blood. Welp, there went all that hard work. Joy.

Kayn had been smart enough to drag me through the wall with him when the shooting started, though in all honesty I probably would've preferred dying. Turning into a shadow is a weird experience, you see. Weird enough to make you hurl your guts out after exiting the wall. "Could've given me a fair warning, you know." I said, wiping my mouth.

"I could have, but then you would be dead." Kayn rolled his eyes. "Is this how the supports feel when their work goes unappreciated?"

"Yeah yeah, you're a genius and I owe you my life. Happy?" I asked, rolling my eyes. "Wait. Where's Shyvana?"

Luckily, she was more or less fine. She'd been cauterizing her wounds during the battle over the Eye, which must've hurt like a _bitch,_ but I was more relieved to see that she was still alive. She'd apparently escaped by sheer luck, and was now killing our minions to prevent the lane from being pushed any further.

Getting over my brief and utterly terrifying heart attack, I ran towards bot with the Shadow Reaper in tow, as Syndra was the only one besides Shyvana who'd survived the barrage. And, y'know, fighting Syndra is about as appealing as kissing Kled, so that wasn't going to happen.

But, Draven being Draven, he couldn't resist making things more entertaining.

Pushing the lane too easily? Have some pit traps filled with spears, flame pillars and venomous snakes!

Killing too many minions? Would you be interested in some poison-tipped arrows, by any chance?

Doing too much damage to the tower? Then please allow Draven to introduce you to a _mongoose!_

To this day, neither of us talk about the mongoose. Getting traumatized once was bad enough.

Eventually, everybody else respawned, which meant it was back into the general routine. Kill minions, go ham on enemy champions, push lanes, destroy towers, you get the idea. The crowd was still screaming like it was freaking Gladiator all over again, which really hurt the eardrums after a while. Draven was going into a bout of nonstop flexing, while I went into a bout of nonstop fretting over my granddaughter's safety. She was being forced into gank after gank after gank on me, none of them proving successful. Her Summoner was beginning to show his agitation, throwing his anger behind her attacks in other lanes. She nailed Sarah and Ahri a few times, but when that happened Kayn and I were there to provide defense while they recovered.

It was a perfect stalemate, which was exactly what I'd been going for in the first place.

Now, if only my brain could do its job and come up with a _plan..._

But Draven could only keep flexing for so long.

Once he got tired of _that,_ he started noticing how the audience was getting tired of our performance. The blood kept gushing in the form of our dead minions, but it'd been a while since any of _us_ had died.

And no entertainment value makes for a cranky Draven.

"This is _not_ going the way Draven thought it would go." He said, folding his arms. "Why isn't anybody dying anymore?"

"Hm...how can we get people dying again?" He stroked one of his massive tusks (don't even _try_ to tell me that that's not what they look like), pondering the issue.

His face lit up.

"Got it!" He looked over at Ellis. "Hey, redhead! Bring out the big one!"

Ellis blanched.

" _Well?_ " Draven asked. "Draven's _waiting!_ "

He gulped. Hand trembling, he pressed a big red button in the center of the control board.

 _Sigh._ It's always the big red button, isn't it?

 _BOOM._

The ground shook.

 _BOOM._

This time, it was coming from beneath the entire Rift.

 _ **BOOM.**_

What on Runeterra...?

 _ **B  
**_ ** _O  
O  
M  
!_**

Thecenter of the mid lane _exploded_ in a shower of boulders and shrapnel, flinging both Ahri and Syndra backwards. A gigantic serpentine shape burst from the hole, extending several hundred meters into the air.

The minions paused mid-combat, the monsters growing quiet in the jungle. The champions all stopped, staring up at the monstrous new arrival.

Oh, _gods,_ not _this_ guy again.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a round of applause for the Earl of Ew, the Duke of Disgusting, the Guru of Gross and the Overlord of Oh Hell Naw.

The one, the only, the certifiably disgusting and utterly atrocious Baron Nashor, Selene Edition.

"Are you _serious?_ " I asked. "How many times are they going to throw that thing at me?"

Remarkably, Selene's shiny new pet had much better hearing than it used to.

It turned its colossal head to _stare right at me,_ its unblinking white eyes locked on and centered.

It took a gigantic sniff through its minuscule nostrils (you have to _squint_ to see them), presumably inhaling my scent.

Its eyes narrowed.

 _It_ knew.

" _Run._ " Aatrox said.

"Good idea." I squeaked.

Baron Nashor roared, slithering after me as I fled back down my own lane. It tore up the terrain and completely bulldozed my towers, going so far as to follow me all the way down to my base.

 _Oh gods oh gods oh gods oh gods **oh gods oh gods OH GODS OH GODS OH GODS**_ _ **-**_ I thought.

I screamed.

Why? Because Baron Nashor had just picked me up by the leg with one of its smaller mouths, flinging me up high into the air above it. It opened its main mouth as I plummeted, eager to get revenge for its repeated deaths by my hand. That was kind of unfair too, because Illaoi had been the one to kill it the second time. I just couldn't catch a break from anybody, could I?

" _NOT LIKE THIS!_ " I screamed, thrashing about midair.

I survived, through sheer dumb luck.

The thing about Baron Nashor is that while its big, its main mouth is only big enough to swallow people when they're going in vertically. But I ended up landing _horizontally_ on its mouth, placing me smack-dab on top of its teeth. My vision swam as I felt a few of my ribs break from the impact, my eyes beginning to water. Nashor repeatedly opened and closed its mouth in an attempt to throw me off and into its maw, but I kept a firm (yet disgusting) grip on its lower eyelids, digging my feet into the gums of its bottom teeth.

The Void serpent's acidic breath ensured that I didn't enjoy that position whatsoever. The toxic chemicals began eating their way through my clothes, burning my face where it was hidden by the cloak. Good _gods,_ it hurt. It felt like my face was being shoved inside an oven, with the heat turned up to a thousand degrees.

 _Nonononononononono **NO!**_ I thought. Was that just my imagination, or did my skin feel just a tad bit loose? It was probably just me imagining things...right?

Nashor sensed my weakness, thrashing harder.

My grip slackened.

And then Nashor screamed, as Ahri unleashed a torrent of foxfire at the creature's belly. Its head flopped to the floor as it curled up, flailing and screeching as its body was wracked with pain. I fell to the ground, breaking another rib as I ricocheted off one of Nashor's insectoid legs on the way down.

My cloak was steaming, still damp with acid. Fumbling with the material, I threw it off with a gasp, feeling the clean air travel up my nostrils as I fell to my hands and knees.

...Hm. That was odd.

Besides what Nashor was doing, everything had gone strangely quiet. You could've heard a...pin...

Drop.

...Oh.

I'd just taken off my cloak.

Which meant...everybody could see my face now.

...It was at that moment, I realized...

* * *

 _ **Say it.**_

 _ **SAY IT.**_


	58. Getting the Band Back Together (Almost)

_**Ahem.**_

 _*inhales*_

 ** _SWAIN TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!_**

 ** _...That's all I've got to say for now. Feel free to read now._**

 ** _(Edit: forgot Aatrox in the original chapter, silly me. Fixed.)_**

* * *

Of all the times for a dramatic reveal, this was probably the worst. Baron Nashor had known before, but now that it had seen my face, it was only going to get worse.

It snarled, fangs dripping with acid.

Lovely.

And then there was my _other_ problem.

The entire stadium had gone quiet. The audience, Lunari, champions and Noxians all stared in shock. They must not have been expecting me. Funny, I could've sworn that I'd left a message somewhere. Wasn't that why they'd been so excited at the start of the match? No? Boooooooooooo.

Sarcasm is a form of therapy, boys and girls. You'll find that it does wonders when helping you get through the hell known as life.

"Well, shit." Sarah said. "Guess the cat's outta the bag now, eh Helios?"

"Gee, what gave you that impression?" I muttered in reply.

"... _Grandpa?_ "

I stiffened. I turned to see Shyvana standing there with her eyes blown wide-open, hands clasped together in front of her. Her voice was small, almost a whisper, yet carried a faint hope that steadily grew. It was almost like a child's prayer, and in that moment it seemed only appropriate. My granddaughter looked just like a little girl again, her eyes filled with disbelief and wonder.

"Is that...is that really..." She trailed off, taking a hesitant step forward.

I smiled. "Yes, my little dragoness. It's me."

Sobbing, she hurled herself forward into my arms, burying her face into my tunic. I fell backwards onto my rear, gently rocking her back and forth as she soiled my tunic. Ah, well, what was one more time? I'd lost count of how many times it'd been covered in shit anyways.

"Shhhhh." I said, with my arms firmly wrapped around her. "It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. You're okay. Everything's going to be alright." She looked so tiny and frail. She'd curled up into a ball against my chest, quivering. Poor girl. What had they done to her, in the months that I'd been gone?

But that didn't really matter. She and I were together now. She was wrapped in my arms, where she belonged.

"Grandpa." She said. "There's something I need to tell you. I'm-"

"Pregnant." I finished, nuzzling her. "I know. Kayn told me."

"It's Jarvan's." She said, giving an awkward smile. "Just in case you had any doubt about it."

I softly laughed. "That _is good_ to know."

I then realized that everyone was still watching. Ezreal, Pantheon, Leona and Syndra were absolutely shellshocked, mouths failing them as they attempted to speak. Even Thresh was at a loss for words. The most remarkable thing was that their Summoners hadn't even tried to reign them in. They were still getting over it themselves, apparently.

Darius was currently facepalming.

Baron Nashor moved to lunge, but a snap of Ganymede's fingers held it at bay. Since when did that thing take orders? Mh. At least we weren't being interrupted.

Unfortunately for us, Draven _had_ to be that one guy who ruined the moment.

" _WELL WELL **WELL** **!**_ " He boomed, laughing. " _ISN'T **THIS** A SURPRISE?!_"

"Glad to see you're still as egotistical as ever, you son of a bitch!" I shouted.

"Well, can you blame me?" He spread his arms, gesturing to the crowd around him. "Draven got an upgrade from the execution pits in Noxus! Gotta admit, this is more my style."

"I'll bet." I rolled my eyes. Shyvana snarled at him, pulling closer.

"Weird." Draven frowned. "Shouldn't the Summoners be working their magic on the both of you?" He gestured to Kayn and I, as we'd both (obviously) stopped playing our little game.

"It's one of the perks of wielding a Darkin." I patted Aatrox's guard, and the living blade hungrily pulsated in agreement. "Your servants are a little braindead at the moment, you'll find."

"Eh?" He looked down at our Summoners. Both of them were foaming at the mouth, eyes glazed over with blank expressions.

"Ah, _hell._ " Draven said. "You know how hard it is to find Summoners willing to sell out?"

"Tell that to someone who cares." I replied.

"Fair enough." He said, resting his arms against the railing. "So what've _you_ been up to?You've, uh...got a little something in your chest there."

"You can thank your new boss for that." I spat.

"Yeah, I can thank her for a lot of things." He agreed. "And now, I get to pay her back!" He winked up at the moon. "Just imagine what she's gonna give me when I personally deliver you to her!" He sighed dreamily. "Draven's name is gonna be known throughout the _universe!_ "

"Only as an idiot." I fired back. "Don't think I'm going to go quietly, Draven. I have every intention of getting out of here."

He gasped, staggering back in mock terror. "Watch out, everybody! He's gonna rain fire down from above and kill us all!"

A few seconds passed.

"Uh..." Draven leaned forward. "Well? Come on! Smite us!" He puffed out his chest, thumping a fist against it. "Draven will even give you a free shot!"

My eyes narrowed, mouth drawing into a thin line.

"Grandpa?" Shyvana placed a hand on my chest. "Are you-"

"We might have a bit of trouble escaping, Ana." I replied, placing my hand on hers. Dammit, Draven wasn't a complete moron after all.

"Wait." He smirked. "Don't tell me that you-"

He started laughing. "Oh, that's just _hilarious!_ " He pounded his fist against the railing, tears coming out of his eyes. "You can't summon fire anymore, _can you?!_ "

The crowd laughed with him. _Traitors,_ I thought, tightening my hand into a fist. It unclenched, however, when I noticed the uneasy looks each of them shared.

Hm. Was that fear of _me,_ or fear of the guards?

" _Oh,_ sorry." Draven apologetically waved a hand in my direction. "It's just-" He chuckled. "You're gonna take us _all_ on by yourself?"

"Who said I'd be alone?" I stood, drawing Aatrox as I helped Shyvana up. "I think the odds are even now, wouldn't you say?"

"Right. About that." He replied, a dark grin spreading across his face. "Draven doesn't think you're friends are gonna be as helpful as you think."

He snapped his fingers.

All the other champions except for Kayn went rigid.

Oh, no.

I took a step back as they all turned to face me. All of us felt absolutely mortified.

" _No._ " Shyvana blanched as she was forced into a fighting stance. " _Please!_ "

Even my teammates had been turned against me. Ahri had summoned a simmering aura of foxfire, Sarah and Nami aiming their weapons at my face.

Ganymede nodded, and Nashor advanced again, its ravenous anger on full display.

" _Helios..._ " Kayn stepped back with me, his scythe at the ready.

"I _know,_ Kayn." I replied, fear and annoyance warring within me.

"Helios, _get out of there!_ " Leona yelled.

Draven shrugged. "Well. I guess if you aren't gonna come quietly, that leaves Draven with no choice."

"Make it hurt." He ordered. "And make sure that he gets to Lady Selene alive."

Dammit.

 ** _B  
W  
O  
O  
M  
!_**

The ground shook.

Oh _gods,_ not again.

...Wait. Hold on.

The tremors weren't coming from the ground. In fact, the shockwaves appeared to be coming from...the _sky?_

 _ **B  
**_ _ **W  
O  
O  
M  
!**_

That was a sonic boom, there was no mistaking it. The way my ears popped from the pressure confirmed that.

A shadow fell over the battlefield.

" ** _HEY, EVERY-BODYYYYYYYYYYYY!_** "

And that's when a giant stone colossus dropped out of the sky.

* * *

Not only was his entrance completely and utterly badass, but he managed to squish Baron Nashor as he landed. Either he'd been lucky or he was an absolute god at aiming his fall. I couldn't tell you how much time he had to practice.

The downside was that the shockwave generated almost obliterated my eardrums. If Syndra hadn't thrown up a telekinetic barrier to protect herself, we'd all be deaf.

Never mind the stench of Nashor's corpse. I'd best not attempt to describe it. It's really something else.

"The _hell-?!_ " Draven said, throwing up one arm to shield his face.

"It's about damn time!" I called up at our new arrival. "Where the hell have you been?!"

"Sorry!" He grinned. "I was underwater!"

I squinted, unsure of how to react.

"We ended up in Bilgewater, for some reason." Viktor explained, riding on Warwick's back as the wolfman climbed down the side of our dynamic friend's leg. "We nearly drowned."

"I can tell." I replied. Warwick smelled like a wet dog, and Viktor's armor had small rust stains on it. Nothing a little polish could scrub out, hopefully. Urgot looked just fine as he crawled down the back, assisted by his chains. Then again, Urgot was, well... _Urgot,_ so I wasn't particularly surprised.

"We weren't interrupting anything, were we?" Viktor asked.

Warwick gave a feral grin as he landed. " _We'd hate to miss the party._ "

"Oh no." I smirked. "You guys are right on time."

" _ **Perhaps introductions are in order.**_ " Urgot shot a thumb at the stunned crowd. " _ **Our audience seems to be at a loss.**_ "

I glanced around at my friends. They were still under the control of their Summoners, but they were too wary to give an order to attack. Meanwhile, their captives looked downright flabbergasted.

I sighed, smiling. "Oh, what the hell? It's been far too long since I got to do something like this anyways."

"Didn't you do something similar last chapter?" Viktor asked.

"Shhhhhh. That was different. Not in front of the fans."

"Ah, right. Sorry."

I cleared my throat.

" _LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HAVE WE GOT A SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!_ " I announced, spreading my arms in presentation to the crowd. " _TODAY! WHATEVER IT'S CALLED NOW!_ "

" _FROM HALFWAY ACROSS THE MULTIVERSE, I'VE BROUGHT YOU SOME OF ZAUN'S FINEST, ALONG WITH A NEW ADDITION FROM DEMACIA!"_ I gestured towards my friends (and acquaintance). " _ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO VIKTOR, WARWICK AND URGOT, WHO I COULD'VE HAVE RETURNED WITHOUT!_ "

Viktor brandished his scepter. Warwick growled. Urgot loaded his cannon.

Yes, yes, I'm getting to the Big Guy. I just love building suspense. It's only appropriate, considering who I brought to the party.

" _AND FOR OUR FINAL GUEST!_ " I swept a hand up at the colossus. He spread his wings, clearing the dust around him and coming into full view.

" _HE'S A HUNDRED FIFTY METERS HIGH, WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED TONS AND CAN DROP A MOUNTAIN ON YOUR **FACES,** I GIVE YOU THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE NEW AND IMPROVED..._"

" _ **GALI-OOOOOOOOOOO!**_ "

Galio straightened to stand at his full height, his petricite skin illuminated by the moonlight. He lifted his arms, flared his wings and struck a heroic pose, creating a wave of wind that almost knocked us off our feet.

And hot _damn,_ did it look badass.

"The name's Justice. _Galio_ Justice." He said.

And then the moment was gone.

"Uh...Galio?" I asked, as everyone in the stadium sweatdropped. "You kinda killed the moment."

" _I_ thought it was pretty cool." Galio replied, frowning. "Come on, look at me! I'm a giant stone statue!"

"No, your entrance was cool, but what you said ruined it." I said, attempting to clarify.

" _What?_ " He haplessly shrugged. "That's my name! Galio Justice!"

Oh, Galio. He might've not been the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he was too innocent for anyone to hold it against him.

"Yeah, but there's certain things you're supposed to say during badass moments, and what you just said wasn't a good example of that. You-" I sighed. "You know what? Forget it. It's too late now anyways. Let's just do what we need to do and get out of here."

"Which is...?"

Oh my gods. Scratch that, if he went on like this, I probably _would_ hold it against him. Or at least whoever sculpted him. Somebody needs to write a bill that guarantees colossi the right to an education in the Demacian constitution. Assuming it has one.

"Smash the bad guys, Galio." I replied, facepalming. "When all us fails, smash the bad guys."

"Right!" He said. "...Which ones are the bad guys, again?"

"Start with them." I pointed at the Summoners controlling Syndra and her teammates. "They're a bit problematic for us right now."

"Okay!" He replied, beaming.

He started to lumber towards them, and it was only then that Draven and Ganymede both realized that shit was going down.

"Kill them." The lunar lieutenant ordered.

It was the first time I'd heard him talk, and his voice was surprisingly low-pitched.

The guards drew bows made of silver light and started firing, sending a hailstorm of arrows at the colossus. Each projectile exploded in a blast of lunar energy, the light enough to nearly render me blind. Viktor helpfully turned my head away from the display, which was a relief. I felt a headache coming on.

Galio only laughed. "Hey, that tickles!" Lunar magic apparently didn't work against a magic-nullifying statue. Who knew?

The Summoners quickly realized the danger they were in, and attempted to force their champions to defend them. But they weren't having any of it, resisting their commands with every last ounce of energy they could muster. Beads of sweat formed on their brows as they struggled to maintain control over their own bodies, looking like they were going to vomit. Ahri actually cupped a hand to her mouth and fell to her hands and knees. Euch.

"I love this part!" Galio said, raising one fist.

The Summoner controlling Syndra made one last-ditch attempt to protect himself.

He managed to rein her in enough to have her hurl a dark sphere at Galio.

It harmlessly evaporated as soon as it hit.

What an idiot.

Galio brought his fist down on all five Summoners, staining the knuckles red.

He sighed contentedly. "I _love_ the way they squish."

In that moment, I couldn't have agreed more.

Shyvana gasped as she was finally freed, staggering towards me for support. I caught her just as she began to fall. "Easy." I said. "Is the baby okay?"

"It's fine for now." She replied. "I'm going to need to eat a _lot_ after this, though." Stale biscuits and questionably-colored water couldn't have been good for its nutrition.

"I'll see if we can't raid the palace pantry once we're done here." I said. "Shit, incoming!"

Lunari and Noxians were jumping into the Rift en masse, drawing their weapons as they charged at us in dozens. The crowd was being evacuated in the meantime, rushing toward the exits in panicked droves.

"Get ready!" I said, holding Aatrox in both hands. " _HEY, GALIO! YOU'VE STILL GOT FIVE MORE!_ "

He nodded, advancing on the remaining Summoners. Sarah, Nami and Ahri were about to get in his way when all three of them suddenly faceplanted.

"I hope you don't mind." Syndra said, her hand glowing purple. "I'll release you when he's done."

" _Yeah._ " Sarah rasped. " _Sounds good._ "

A sickening (yet satisfying) _splurch_ confirmed that Galio had completed his task.

"There we go." She stood, brandishing her pistols and emptying them into a couple of Noxians coming her way. "I guess this is where the fun begins."

"Looks like it." I agreed. "Though to be honest, I really have no idea what we're going to do next."

"Didn't you suggest 'get out of here' earlier?" Ahri asked, flinging a burst of foxfire.

"Well, yeah." I cut a Lunari in half with my sword. "But at the same time, there's nowhere we can really _hide._ 'Get out of here' was just me panicking more than anything, really."

"So what are you suggesting?" Syndra dropped a boulder on a cluster of enemies. "We retake the city?"

"I mean...if we can." I replied. "Can't you just toss all the bad guys into space?"

"I _would,_ but your _friend_ up there is sapping my strength." Syndra jabbed a thumb in Galio's direction. "This is the best I can do at the moment."

"Same." Ahri said. "Where'd you even find him, anyways?"

"Long story." I replied. "I'll tell you once we wrap this up."

"We're going to need an army to do that." Shyvana said. "I don't think the statue's going to be enough."

"Oh, you mean like _that_ army?" Sarah pointed.

Our minions were now engaging the enemy, reinvigorated and screaming for blood. Not only that, but Garen, Fiora and the other nobles had dropped down from their booth, making their way towards the battlefield with their weapons drawn.

I could make that work.

"Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" Garen called, clearing a path toward us with his sword.

"Ditto!" I replied. "Nice haircut!"

He shuddered. "Silver's not really my color." He shrugged off a blow from a Noxian axe against his shoulder plate, then impaled him with his sword. "Remind me to get a new color scheme for my armor later."

"I think a lot of us aren't going to be anxious to see the color silver for a while." I agreed.

I caught a Lunari aiming an arrow at us out of the corner of my eye, but Warwick was already on it. He pounced on the unsuspecting archer, ripping him to pieces before he could get a shot off.

"What's _his_ story?" Sarah asked. "Isn't he our enemy?"

"Again, long story, and again, I'll tell you later." This was probably going to take a while to explain. "We can talk about it when we're _not_ about to die."

My eyes darted up to Ganymede's seat. He stood, flanked by his guards as he disappeared through one of the tunnels.

"Like _hell._ " I snarled, cutting my way forward. "That one's _mine._ "

"Helios, _wait!_ " Garen called. " _Where are you going?!_ "

"Be right back!" I said. "Need to take care of something! And for the love of gods, _keep Shyvana safe!_ "

"Grandpa!" Shyvana cried after me, but I was already on the move. Sorry, Ana. Just wait a little while longer and it'll be just like old times, I promise.

Garen cursed as he was enveloped by a fresh wave of Lunari, unable to follow me. "Would somebody _please_ follow him?" I heard him say, as I climbed up the wall and into the stands.

A barrage of gunshots told me all I needed to know.

I fought my way to the tunnels, cutting down any Lunari or Noxian that got in my way. Sarah followed close behind, providing me with longe-range support. Both of us had a significantly more time fighting up the stands, with our enemies holding the advantage as they fired arrows at us from above.

A Lunari wielding a crescent-shaped greatsword (it's a weird sight to see, don't question it) charged down at us, bellowing a war cry. He was then blindsided by an axe to the ribs, cutting him in half.

"Oh, so _this_ is good enough for you?" I asked, as the three of us ducked behind a row of seats.

"If I'm going to commit treason, it might as well be now." Darius replied. "This is as good a chance as any."

Sarah raised an eyebrow. "How many of our old enemies have you been recruiting again?" She asked me.

"Oh, just a few." I replied. "Why are you so insistent on hearing my story when we're all fighting for our lives?"

"Right, right, got it." She momentarily popped out of cover to nail a few guards between the eyes. "I'm expecting a good story when we get out of here, though. Especially with that load of junk you're wearing."

"Believe me, that part wasn't fun." I said, tossing out a blade of energy before retreating. "I wonder if this is what Urgot feels like."

"We can make comparisons later." Darius said. "Am I the only one here who can stay focused?"

"You're one to talk, considering that you were our jailers for the past few months." Sarah shot back. "If you're so focused, why didn't you help us sooner?"

"I took care of my brother." Darius pointed at the platform where Draven had been strutting his stuff. He lay in a heap on the floor, a massive bump pulsating on his forehead. "That good enough for you?"

Sarah opened her mouth, then deflated. "Can't argue with that, I guess."

Darius grunted.

"Yay, we're all bonding!" I said. I wasn't actually being as sarcastic as I sounded. "Now, how about we use the power of friendship and-"

Fiery white pain exploded in my shoulder. I cried out, feeling the shaft of a Lunari arrow lodged in the bone. Sarah immediately let loose with another round of bullets while Darius moved closer to examine the wound. Holy _shit,_ I'd forgotten how much they hurt. Even without my powers they still burned. It'd been a lucky shot too, adding insult to injury. If it had just been an inch closer to the right it would've ricocheted off my implants.

"It didn't go all the way through." Darius said, infuriatingly neutral despite my obvious discomfort. "I can't snap the shaft. I'm going to have to pull it out."

As if to ensure their fellow projectile wouldn't get lonely, more arrows started raining down from the sky. I only had a few seconds to comprehend what we were seeing.

" _GET DOWN!_ "

A pair of shields had spontaneously appeared out of nowhere, protecting all three of us from the storm of arrows. Pantheon still retained his trusty aegis, while Leona had stolen a Lunari shield. Thank the _gods_ that Selene had chosen to have it bear the likeness of a full moon. If it'd been a crescent moon, we would've been screwed.

" _Honestly!_ " Leona grunted under the impact. "I can't leave you alone for _five seconds_ without you getting into trouble, can I?"

" _NOT HELPING!_ " I yelled, as Darius began to ease the arrowhead out of my wound. " _BUT YEAH! IT REALLY- **AUGH!** SUCKS WHEN YOU'RE NOT AROUND!_"

"Well, at least he admits it." Pantheon muttered.

With a final scream of agony on my part, the arrow was yanked out. The wound was bleeding pretty badly, and the arrow had left the equivalent of an infection as well. That arm wasn't going to be moving for a while. Naturally.

"Got a plan for saving the day, by any chance?" I asked, shakily wiping the sweat from my forehead.

"Well, I wasn't planning on being rescued today, so no." She frowned up at the tunnel entrance. "If we had a good enough distraction, Pantheon and I could drive a wedge through their ranks. But I'm powerless, and a shield can only protect from the front. Considering that we're surrounded on all sides, that won't work."

And since our other friends were occupied, we were on our own.

Just another day in paradise!

And then the humming started.

Not an _actual_ hum, mind you. Not the kind a person would make with their voice.

It was a mechanical hum. The kind you hear from machinery.

Or in this case, a robo-Poro with a _serious_ amount of ADHD.

At first, I thought Kennen had staged a breakout. I didn't know anyone else who could turn into a bolt of lightning. Yet the hyperactive ball of electricity that bolted from the tunnel was far too small to be the Ionian Yordle.

Nevertheless, it still did the trick nicely. It bounced between our assailants faster than any of us could follow, paralyzing them with several thousand volts each bounce.

As soon as the way was clear, the ball of lightning landed in front of us, its glow fading.

And there with his tongue out happily panted none other than Sparks.

"Sparks!" Despite the aches and pains that rocked my shoulder, a smile managed to spread across my face. "Good boy!"

Sparks squeaked, running up and jumping onto my good shoulder, licking my face with his wet, rubbery tongue. I laughed, nuzzling against his frame. "Yeah, I missed you too buddy." I said. "Glad to see that you're still in one piece."

A sharp whistle from the tunnel diverted my attention away from my quadruped companion. Ellis frantically waved from the tunnel entrance. " _Come on!_ " He shouted. "We don't have much time until they get back up!"

Now _this_ was what I called a reunion.

"Help me up." I grunted. Darius pulled me to my feet, checking to make sure I could walk on my own before putting his back to me, axe raised. Leona and Pantheon pushed a line forward, keeping their shields up even though the threat had been incapacitated.

"Hey man." Ellis clapped a hand on my shoulder. "Good to see you're still kicking."

"Same to you." I smiled. "Now, are we gonna kill that bastard or what?"

"Not yet." He replied, whistling. Sparks shot to his side in an instant, happily trailing along behind him as we marched down the corridor. "We need to free the other prisoners first. And, as Selene's temporary chief technician, I happen to know _exactly_ where the control room is. We get in there, we get our army back."

"And we're going to do that while you have one arm?" I asked. "You sure you're gonna be able to handle yourself?"

"They took my arm, but my new one's hidden inside our destination." He replied. "They'll be expecting us, though. But I'll be _damned_ if I let them get in the way of seeing Sona again."

Ah. There it was. "Where is she?"

"Noxus, along with the other Pentakill band members." He said. "They split us up just after Selene won the battle for Demacia." His expression became forlorn. "I haven't seen her since then."

I grimaced. "I'm sorry. If I could've done anything to prevent that, I would've."

"I know." He lightly jabbed my side. "But hey, now that you're back, now's the time for us to get some _sweet sweet revenge._ "

"Hell yeah." I grinned. "Now we're talking." Boy, the band might've not been all together, but it was getting close.

As we progressed further, the corridors slowly transitioned from ornate to barren grey stone, until we were once again inside the makeshift prison within the Citadel of Dawn. Passing the cells, I noticed numerous silhouettes appear within the glowing walls of their cells. Some of them had figures I could recognize.

"Take a left here." Ellis said, directing us to turn into another corridor. "Now right."

And then we ran smack-dab into a regiment of Noxians.

"You know what to do." He said.

Leona and Pantheon charged, barreling into them with their shields. Darius and Sarah followed close behind, while Ellis and I hung back. Our progress was barely halted at all, our friends' weapons making short work of them. Now that I was out of my cell (and didn't have a bag over my face, thank the gods), I realized just how much Selene had transformed the palace. She'd extended the floors down several levels, separating the prison into several "blocks" of cells that were connected by bridges on each floor. Elevators and stairways provided access, and we descended down flights of stairs again and again so fast that it was almost becoming a blur. Ellis's directions were making me dizzy. The continuous regiments we plowed through were beginning to annoy me, too.

"How much longer?" I asked.

"We're almost there." Ellis replied. "I'll be able to help fight once I get my arm ready, too." He frowned. "Assuming that its capabilities make up for my lack of combat experience, I mean."

"Good luck with that." Darius said.

"Thanks. I'll probably need it." He replied.

"I was being sarcastic."

"Notice how my recent lack of sleep leads me to not give a shit."

"Lunari!" Leona shouted, helpfully shutting down the argument before it escalated.

This regiment was made up of both Noxians and Lunari combined, and was far larger than the other squads we'd faced. "The control room is a few blocks away from here!" Ellis informed. "If we can get past them, we'll make it!"

Leona and Pantheon immediately engaged, forcing their front lines back with their shields. Leona locked her arm around a Lunari guard's shoulder, jerking the limb upwards once it was in her grip. The arm snapped, her enemy crying out and dropping his sword. She dug her foot under the hilt and kicked it into her hand, then cut him down with it. Now that she was _properly_ armed, she and her boyfriend could start cutting the enemy to pieces, Darius performing his signature axe dunk on whoever forced their way through. Sarah blasted away at the stragglers, popping heads left and right. Aatrox engorged himself on the slaughter, empowering my attacks as I flung energy blades over the shield wall.

And then one Lunari poked through the line, ducking under Darius's axe and shoving past Sarah in order to get to me. I raised my sword, dodging beneath his swing and cutting at his waist-

Pain.

Relentless, merciless pain.

My world faded into white as I screamed, agony exploding in my chest. The shard was pulsating louder and faster than it ever had. I fell to the ground, spasming. Blood frothed in my mouth, my hands clawing at the air.

This was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. How was it possible to hurt _this much?_

The Lunari saw an opportunity and took it, raising his sword above his head. An axe blade split his skull in two shortly after, flinging the corpse to the side.

"Helios, what the _hell_ is wrong with you?!" Darius exclaimed, shaking me furiously. "What's gotten into you?!"

I couldn't respond. My lungs had been robbed of oxygen. Everything was becoming a blur. I couldn't see. I couldn't talk. I couldn't _think._

" _Shit._ " Ellis got to his knees and felt my forehead. "He's going into shock. And the bloody foam coming out of his mouth isn't a good sign either."

"It's that thing wedged in his heart." Darius said. "It has to be."

"Dammit, we need to get him somewhere safe." He replied. His face was getting pretty blurry.

"There's a side door just past those guards." Darius pointed a shaky blob. "That'll have to do."

" _LEONA!_ " Ellis yelled. "Force them back so we can get him in there!"

A few seconds later I heard the sound of Leona and Pantheon going Full Spartan. It involves a lot of screaming on the enemy's part.

Darius dragged me down the hall, keeping a firm grip on me as I jerked and twitched. The door slammed shut behind us, Darius thrusting his axe in between the handles. The guards rammed against it on the other side, but the door held.

"That should keep them occupied for now." Darius said. "Now what?"

"This is a storage room." Sarah said. "Why are we in a storage room?"

"Sue me, it was the best I could do!" Ellis replied. "And I might actually..." His words faded out as what felt like an aneurism rocked through my skull. I got a fading concussion as a substitute shortly after. At least that's what it felt like. "Some of my old stuff is...yeah...should work."

"Hey." Ellis tapped my forehead. "You still with us. Listen, I can..." Another fadeout. "...but I don't have any...me, so this might...understand?"

" _Get- ...out-_ "

"What?"

" _ **GET IT OUT!**_ " I screamed, finally finding the right words.

"Sparks, get me a lighter! Max flame intensity!" He ordered.

I looked to see Sparks open his incredibly blurry mouth, a bright light emanating from within.

"I'm just gonna...your hand...here." His voice was getting a bit wobbly now. I felt my arm move to where Sparks was positioned. I could hear the poor Poro whining pitifully as he watched me.

"Do we...pliers here...any chance?" Ellis asked. "This...probably...suck for him. Hold him down while I work. ...something for him to bite on

Something that felt and tasted suspiciously like a sponge was inserted into my mouth. Darius, Leona, Pantheon and Sarah all took hold of one of my limbs.

" _Helios. **Focus**._ " Aatrox said. His core glowed red, and I felt the fog of pain subside, just a little. Just in time for Ellis to give me a heads-up.

"Now..." He returned to my side, clutching a pair of pliers. "I left one of my audio players here before the invasion. Any song requests?"

Right now? No.

After the procedure?

I had a _slight_ idea.

* * *

When the time came for Darius to finally remove his axe, the guards had all piled up at the door. They fell in a heap on the floor as soon as the door opened, stumbling to their feet shortly after.

The first thing they noticed wasn't actually us.

It was the acoustic guitar music.

Nothing fancy. Just a few notes and chords strung together here and there, repeating twice in a rhythm. It set the tone nicely.

And then, they turned their eyes to see the elephant in the room.

Ellis had propped me up in a chair, and had just set down the pliers, which were covered in blood. The shard sat next to them, coated in a fair amount of crimson itself.

My implants lay in a heap on the floor, oozing chemicals from their various tubes and hoses.

Sarah, Leona, Pantheon and Darius all stood in a half-circle around me, arms folded. Darius had looped his arm around Aatrox's handle, the Darkin's bloodlust thickening the air with pure malice.

I chuckled weakly, looking down to my left.

A steady trail of flame had started flowing from Sparks's blowtorch into my hand.

Little by little, my wounds began to close. The gaping hole in my chest began to stitch itself together, sinew, bone and skin repairing themselves at an extraordinary speed.

I breathed in as the last cut sealed shut, exhaling embers.

I looked up at the guards as the music's intro finished.

Flames burst to life in my hair, miniature infernos raging in my eyes.

"Feeling _lucky,_ boys?"

* * *

 _ **Now, if only there were a flying arrow of death lying around...**_


End file.
